Breaking up sucks. There’s never a good or easy way beat that b**ch with a bat to kick somebody to the curb. But sometimes you have to do what you have to do. And for argument’s sake, we’ll assume an actual relationship has existed, not a one night Frisco frog-f*ck.
So let’s do it.
VSB’s Do’s and Don’ts for a Successful Break-Up
1. Do break up and don’t beat around the bush.
You know, this is the one that gets people in the most trouble. In attempts to not be the bad person or to try to maintain some semblance of niceness, ambiguity rears its ugly head leaving somebody looking like Whoopi Goldberg and the other looking like Oprah. You see, neither looks good but they’ve lingered around forever. Honestly, that made sense in my head.
2. Do it face to face if you can, don’t send a text or an email.
The only reason I think you should do it face to face is so you can possibly get some last time for-the-road boo-tay. If you send a text, there’s a good chance you won’t be hitting that any time soon, jack. Chicks hate text message breakups. I know. Oh well, the sh*t cost me $.10 so we both lost.
3. Do move on but don’t sleep with his or her friends…too soon.
It’s just not a good look. Period. Though, I think at some point all bets are off and if they’re friend is trying to offer up the snappy nappy dugout (word to Ice Cube), then by all means, there’s another hit Barry Bonds. For the time-being though, go f*ck Kanye (Megan Goode) or something.
4. Do break up (part 2).
Don’t get on some bullshit about taking a break if you really want to let the relationship ride. You see, “breaks” are the dumbest shit known to man. If you’re ready to move on, do it. Don’t keep the other person hanging onto your nuts/tit-tays for no reason – mostly because that gives them just cause to slash your tires and/or kick your puppy.
5. If you can, do make it an amicable split, but don’t patronize the other person.
Don’t be nice just for the hell of it and make it seem like you’re showing pity on the other person despite the kcufed up situation you’re in. However, if you can make it an amicable split you may still be able to hit when you need a little bit of that good lovin…or your batteries run out…or your internet connection times out or something.
6. Don’t break their stuff.
Never understood why people just ruined their ex’s stuff. I mean, come on, it feels good for a second, but then you have to clean the mess up yourself. It’s like un-protected sex. With a chick with no arms who doesn’t take birth control pills.
7. Don’t call all of their friends trying to get them to fix sit.
Chances are they agree with the breakup. Suck it up and go see Iron-Man. I get the idea this is some chick stuff mostly. I can’t see most dudes calling their girls friends. At least I’d never do that. I’m a damn G.
8. Don’t stalk them.
Um. Duh.
9. Do throw rocks at them if they stalk you.
Um. Duh again.
10. Do some self-reflection on the lost relationship…don’t assume that literally looking in the mirror counts as self-reflection.
Mostly because some of you shallow bastards don’t learn anything from your relationships.
Let us know some other must-do or must-don’ts for a successful break-up.
Inquiring minds would like to know.
-PANAMA JACKSON
Related posts:
- chasing windmills: the six part vsb guide to keeping a woman happy
- the compass: the vsb guide to what men really mean when they’re talking to you
- Why Won’t You Let Me Be Great?: How To Break Up With Somebody Who Won’t Let You Break Up With Them
- “greens, please” the vsb guide to questions random whites probably shouldn’t ask
- five reasons why successful brothas don’t want to put a ring on it
{ 129 comments… read them below or add one }
How about
Don’t take the easy way out, by acting like a Jack Ass so they will break up with you instead.
Even though that might have some advantages to it, I would recommend only doing so if you fear that she can hire someone to kill you if you break up with her.
I’m so guilty of the taking a break thing: I told the guy I had an exam coming up (which I do) and that I would need to concentrate fully and completely on it for 2 months (the slight exaggeration). And I would appreciate his “support” during this time…and fall back until they’re out the way.
I was just hoping to buy myself some time to let the lust I have for him quell and finally snap back to my senses because I know he’s not for me and I had tried numerous text message break ups before to no avail. I think this should do the trick! We’ll see…the test and THE test is in 2 weeks.
Besides, his more than happy to do it attitude about not seeing me for 8 weeks makes me think he was trying to get out of something too…hmmm… All’s well that end’s well and shit.
“I’m so guilty of the taking a break thing”
the only thing “the break” does is delay the inevitable.
That’s fine…but I wasn’t gonna be ready to break off anything as long as I was still letting him “break me off” on the regular. So hopefully, we can square this thing away once and for all since “I got my mind back from letting the penis ejaculate all in my brain” (Alexyss Tylor). Of course.
Alexyss Tylor is a hot mess in the best possible way.
I love Alexys Tylor. so ghetto, so not ghetto, so sexy, so real and you just know she is speaking from experience. she could f around and get long stroked and Im used to coochie and not easily phased.
“I got my mind back from letting the penis ejaculate all in my brain”\
thats just nasty
Don’t sit around doing shady things in hopes they’ll break up with you. You want out, get out. There are no excuses.
*hangs head in shame*
Kinda ties in with #1 – I think it’s part of an attitude that “hey, if we wait long enough, maybe things will get better.”
It doesn’t. Sigh
signed: someone who’s been on the receiving end of #1, 2, 4 and 5 all in one breakup. I need a drink.
10. Do some self-reflection on the lost relationship…don’t assume that literally looking in the mirror counts as self-reflection.
Mostly because some of you shallow bastards don’t learn anything from your relationships.
Couldn’t agree with this more! Self reflect so that you don’t carry baggage into your next relationship & continue to make the same mistakes.
PREACH! I will never understand women (I can’t speak for men) who get out of one shitty rship and then hop right back into another with no time in between! I looove the in the meantime, in between time that happens after a relationship ends: those are always the best moments to really learn who I am. If the rship was shitty then the only thing you can hope for is to have one life lesson under your belt that you don’t have to repeat! If not? What was all that bullshit for in the first place? This is a a very NECESSARY step in the process.
When I think about it I think men should take this time too…do you? And if so what does it look like?
I agree with what you’re saying Treezy, but I wonder why women are expected to self-reflect in a vacuum but are constantly encouraged to date? This makes no sense.
Is it considered bad form to do the aforementioned reflecting while you’re still in the relationship?
“Is it considered bad form to do the aforementioned reflecting while you’re still in the relationship?”
no.
I reflected for about 1 year while still in my relationship. I think that is why when I gave him his walking papers (after I had spent half my life with him, literally about 15 years) it was so easy for me to tell him it was over. i.e. minimal tears and no regrets. I did mourn the loss over the next few months. In the traditional mourning style. Wore black and everything (jk)
When I’ve had to be the initiator of a break-up it’s never been an easy task. My experience has been that when the woman tries to break up with the man he’s not as willing to let go. On the other hand when the man makes the decision there tends to be less lingering. (Why is this?) In my opinion a man is much more willing to set aside his ego and make his ‘baby, baby please’ plead than a woman. A woman who hangs on is considered a fatal attraction. I once had a situation where I had to put an end to a ‘pseudo love affair’ and no matter how many times I tried to convince him that it was over he wouldn’t relent. I finally had to state my case in an email to get the point across(shame, shame). My actions were justified because he was non-committal and suffered from the common “have his cake and eat it too” syndrome (no pun intended).
what was the pun?
i guess the pun wasn’t as obvious as i thought it was. that or my mind is in the gutter. you folks decide. In this lame metaphor I’m the cake, and he wanted to have it and eat it too. get it? eat IT too.
It is so freakin hot right now and I think the heat is getting to my brain.
“It is so freakin hot right now and I think the heat is getting to my brain.”
lol…it must be
@ Miss Paterson, I got it… I think some people are slower on a Monday morning *coughin’ looking both ways*
I agree. I’ve had “normal” guy friends basically stalk their ex’s after break-ups and can’t accept that it’s over. My female friends cry it out but move on quicker than the guys.
There is a study whose results showed that men who were recently divorced were more likely to commit suicide than women.
Even though it ignored discussing some of the obvious reasons why those statistics would come out that way (that men typically use guns to commit suicide vs pills and wrist slashing by women, thus being more likely to succeed than women . . . yeah, I said it, men are better at killing themselves than women), the study’s own conclusion was the following:
Women have more emotional support in general and more likely to discuss and work through their feelings with friends than men. When a man get’s divorced, he typically loses financially, his children, potentially his house, and his strongest emotional connection to anyone. Women are not as affected. Also divorces tend to come as a surprise to the man who thinks it’s something out of the blue while the woman may have been thinking about it for months or even longer.
good points. definite possible future entry subject.
Kamakula,
This is really interesting. Thanks for dropping that knowledge.
…something to be said for “seeing the exit sign first.” {Bilal} …but errrhh ahhhh suicide: Hell NO. if someone tells you i committed suicide, investigate. TRUST, its a set-up.
there’s a lot of cirCUMstantial evidence in each relationship but “seeing the exit sign first” may have a lot to do with it. In relationships suprise we’re through is like a sucker punch. If you know a fight or a dump is CUMing then you can act on your own terms.
LMAO @ —>It’s like un-protected sex. With a chick with no arms who doesn’t take birth control pills.
I want to add that if you want to be over DON’T KEEP HAVING SEX WITH THEM! I know this may sound real simple, but some of my friends and I (on ocassion) has slipped and called an ex for sex. The reason you shouldn’t do it… it gives him the idea that you still want him (and not just nice stick and tongue tricks)
And wtf is space anyway??? If a dude tells me he needs space I assume its over… have one last go round in the sack and get over it. Now as soon as he tries to test how much space I given him (ie…calling for some booty) I’ll polite remind him that he ask for his space which is now no where near me. Eventually he’ll figure it out.
yeh i agree with you on all points. Once it’s over it has to be over in all areas: phone calls, booty calls, and myspace friends (lol). If you keep having sex with the ex you’re just asking for the saga to drag on like a bad soap opera.
And another thing, you should probably get rid of any gifts, or obvious reminders of the ex…like his college t-shirt that you used to sleep in every time you slept over at his place and eventually made your own. And by get “rid of” I don’t mean bonfire, the trash will do.
I love a good bonfire (made with reminders of him)
A reason for the break up should be given. Not the “it’s not you, it’s me” crap either. Quite honestly, I think there should be a break up questionaire that is filled out at the end of each break up. That way the person who is being kicked to the curb will know exactly what prompted the Bend it like Beckham reaction.
Plus, if someone really wants to engage in self reflection and empty that baggage, they will have an idea of what they need to focus on and where they should start first. That and some people need to be told that they are non-normal. Some crazy people honestly do not know that they are crazy.
“Not the “it’s not you, it’s me” crap either”
you know, sometimes this is true though. its not just a cliche.
I’ve tried “You’re not for me.” but that doesn’t work either.
Bottom line: People can’t fathom that you don’t want them.
Even if they have halitosis all their life and you develop a very strong sense of smell, they will get offended when you say their breath stinks.
It’s true in our own minds we are the perfect lovers…How could you NOT want me? This is the mindset that makes a person want to fight to keep the rship going only for the hopes that they can “prove” themselves: a very DETRIMENTAL way of thinking.
Bottom line: People can’t fathom that you don’t want them.
Deviant, that is some real morning truth. No matter how wack someone is or how little they have going for them, they just can’t imagine that they actually suck to be around.
Break ups are tough but the main thing is to not create any negative vibes between the two of you. Even if it’s officially over, you should at least try to leave on good terms and how you word your “break-up speach” has a lot to do with that.
“Even if it’s officially over, you should at least try to leave on good terms and how you word your “break-up speach” has a lot to do with that.”
this is good in theory. thing is, regardless of what you say or how kindly you put it, if there were seriously feelings involved the “good terms” probably wont be reciprocal
Breaking up has never really been my strong suit…I’m usually on to another relationship while the last one is slowly coming to an end…ahhhh the infamous overlap.
And of course by latching on to another I either eventually come out and say it’s over and boy do I give reasons…or I disappear and give them reason to leave me.
Yep, breaking up has never been my thing…surprisingly all of my exes are still anxious to talk to me…it must be b/c of the head…all life really is about is blow jobs.
“all life really is about is blow jobs.”
Profoundness has a new name…and it is TEACIA!
A good blow job can change the game and the way it’s played.
yeah it can turn you into a cum thief but that about it.
“I’m usually on to another relationship while the last one is slowly coming to an end…ahhhh the infamous overlap”
ahhh…the infamous relationship salamander. i’d tell you to watch your back, but salamanders dont have backs
no need…i don’t do relationships anymore…but in the past that is how i handled my break-ups…not saying it was right or smart, but it was the way i dealt.
Do accept that it’s over. This is not a test. They don’t want to see what you’ll do. They just don’t want to be with you. Move on.
*Ouch* Most profound comment yet.
YEAAAAH there is a difference…when I think about it, I really only pull the let’s sit down and talk about it break-up card when I’m trying to test a dude. I wanna see what he’s going do to fight for me. Cause to be honest if I still wanna talk to you, I’m still in cooperation mode and I’m still rooting for him and the relationship.
On the other hand, when I’m done done, I’m like Teacia, I do the salamander move and slide on out and direct my interests to someone or something new. I don’t want to talk about it anymore and I don’t give a damn what you do. I guess I just don’t really respect the standard “rules” of a break-up. Cause I mean who really does? It’s like we know what’s right to do but everyone seems to be a renegade about this.
They say that nothing gets you over the last like the next…that is unless with the last it was not your choice to leave…then it’s still a little hard to let go.
I’m not much for rejection, especially since it’s not common place, so when a guy tells me it’s a no go I lose my bearings a little and have a hard time moving on. And yes he gets the occasional myspace message or email forward or mass text in hopes of a random response…hey, I am human.
Of course, of course…we can’t resist. Like whatever we can say in two or three sentences in a text message will make him see the light…LOL.
OK…lol, so sad!
“I really only pull the let’s sit down and talk about it break-up card when I’m trying to test a dude. I wanna see what he’s going do to fight for me.”
Uh… Yeah, no.
Testing people is kinda childish. And by “kinda”, I mean it is.
There’s too much opportunity for you to get your feelings hurt. I mean, what do you do when it backfires? When he says “ok” not because he wants to break up, but because he doesn’t want to look like a chump? Then you’re both S.O.L.o
If you’re still trying to make it work, why not just say that?
I’m with you on that…I don’t agree with testing a man’s honor, especially when society is always raping it. You have to be upfront if you actually want it to work.
Life is a test…everyone’s values, ethics, patience, nerves, skills are being tested all the time. So yeah, f*ck it, I test these n*ggas. When it comes to my life and my happiness in a relationship, dude is always being tested…ALWAYS. I will not sacrifice my time, body, space with someone without scrutinizing them for their worth. Am I constantly thinking up scenarios just to test somebody? No. Am I constantly creating expectations in my mind of how I think someone should respond to something I’ve presented them with? Of course. When I say “test”, it’s like a mic check not the SATs.
I’m also a “runner” and not a “fighter”; I will take flight before I fight. Meaning: I see something wrong in the rship and I think its automatically time to keep it pushing. It’s harder for me to say “let’s try to make this work” rather than “let’s break up.” If the shit backfires I expected it to anyway. And I can take comfort in knowing I was right to bring it up all along. Self-fulfilling prophesy and shit. It has a lot to do with the fact that I just really don’t believe that you can change someone. Anything I think is worth breaking up for probably means its related to the person’s character or something else that is not up for modification. So if I don’t like it then he’s just not for me right? It takes him telling me something different and making that EFFORT to make me think otherwise. That’s just me and my own issue. I haven’t really experienced anyone that makes me give up on this way of thinking. I think the person that does is THE ONE.
“Am I constantly thinking up scenarios just to test somebody? No. Am I constantly creating expectations in my mind of how I think someone should respond to something I’ve presented them with? Of course. ”
-How are these different? Both of them basically boil down to “I want to know what he’ll do/say if I [fill in the blank].”
All I’m saying is “testing” people just to see how they will react is childish. If they are not already doing or saying those things you want to benefit from, using scare tactics and guilt trips is not the way to go.
Exact. I don’t negotiate with terrorists. If i smell tests and torture all u get from me is name rank and serial #. I will not be punked. head don’t rule me. pus dont run me. full stop.
Relationships are a power struggle and have rules and strategies…much like a game does. So, T.F. Baby, I kinda understand your perspective which sounds like you play the “relationship game”…but at the end of the day you are the one who is fulfilling the prophecy by creating a situation that will ultimately sabotage a relationship. It sounds like you are carefully looking for the dude to fail and when he does you are like “see, told you so.”
Nobody will meet your expectations if they are unrealistic.
Do clean break. Don’t keep calling/texting/emailing/chilling together like you did when you were together. An occasional “how are you” phone call like once every 6 months at most.
#1,2 and 5;
So I’m horrible at breaking up with people. I have this fear of hurting the other person, which leads me to stay in relationships far longer than I should. I haven’t been good at it since I was younger – I think my first girlfriend dumped me (since she was in college and I was in high school), I dumped my second girlfriend on the phone, and my next girl cheated on me, so that ended that relationship. As I aged, I became less callous and more caring. I was married for six months, and I can tell you that it took me 5.5 months to finally screw up enough courage to get divorced!
“The hottest love has the coldest end”.- Socrates
Brenda “Liracio” Missing you girl..holla at your boy!!
“Brenda “Liracio” Missing you girl..holla at your boy!!”
LMAO! This shout-out really put this comment over the edge! lol
Chief, if you don’t mind me asking…how did the six month marriage unravel so quickly? And how did you propose a divorce?
“Brenda “Liracio” Missing you girl..holla at your boy!!”
PRICELESS!!
“I was married for six months, and I can tell you that it took me 5.5 months to finally screw up enough courage to get divorced!”
lol, damn
Don’t take calls from his parents or siblings. Matter of fact, change your damned number.
Here are a few don’ts that I have put together based on my personal experiences:
1.Ladies, don’t get dumped and out of spite call the guy who dumped you gay because he doesn’t want you anymore. Then stalk him for months. That crazy-@ss behavior is probably what got you dumped in the first place.
2.Don’t get dumped and try to give a blowjob to fix the relationship. FYI–a man will inevitably take the bj and then break-up with you later. That makes you a two-time loser.
3.Don’t dump someone and then get with their homegirl. You just look like a scumbag… AND they most likely are friends because they share similarities…some of which may be the reasons why dumped the origial chick in the first place.
4.Don’t dump a chick by saying…”I’m just not attracted to you anymore. I like thicker women now.”
4. (This one was inspired by one of my boys…)
Don’t dump a chick by saying “Sorry, but I’m just not attracted to fatness.”
“Don’t get dumped and try to give a blowjob to fix the relationship. FYI–a man will inevitably take the bj and then break-up with you later. That makes you a two-time loser.”
DAMN. LMAO!
Point Treezy F. Baaaaaabbbbbbbby!
“Don’t get dumped and try to give a blowjob to fix the relationship. FYI–a man will inevitably take the bj and then break-up with you later. That makes you a two-time loser.”
“Ladies, don’t get dumped and out of spite call the guy who dumped you gay because he doesn’t want you anymore. Then stalk him for months. That crazy-@ss behavior is probably what got you dumped in the first place.”
I actually hear more men say that than chics…it’s like a man’s reason for any guy not liking an attractive chic…you guys are quick to give the he must be gay comment.
“Don’t get dumped and try to give a blowjob to fix the relationship. FYI–a man will inevitably take the bj and then break-up with you later. That makes you a two-time loser.”
LOL…blowjobs should never be used as an act of desperation.
“A good blow job can change the game and the way it’s played”
So much for that, huh? lol
I know right I’m kinda wondering what Teacia has in mind with her magical blow jobs that make the tides change for her. Teach on it.
I was just making a statement about the power of blow jobs based on a conversation I had with an author of love and relationships this weekend.
She made some valid points, and I also agree that men will put aside all ration and reason for a damn blow job. We have an ex president who not only risked his family but also his job for some of the goody goody.
I’m just saying a blow job will change the game in life…not just relationships or even break-ups(which i definitely don’t think u should give head to a man who has lost respect for you)…but I am an avid believer in the power of a head…sue me.
A ferocious head game will atleast make you consider couples counseling.
Yeah, that sounds really bad, but I had a homeboy that literally let that notion be the deciding factor in whether or not to break up with his girl.
Homeboy: Dude, I don’t think me and ol’ girl gon make it…but, I just can’t seem to let her go.
Me: Word?!…It’s gotten that bad? Well, love will do that to ya.
Homeboy: Love? Nah, her head game is of PHD proportions and I’m considering us going to some type of couples conseling…maybe we can rekindle the love later.
Me:…D@mn.
Homeboy: Love? Nah, her head game is of PHD proportions and I’m considering us going to some type of couples conseling…maybe we can rekindle the love later.
- And that right there is how a dude ends up married to some broad he doesn’t even like who stops using that PhD the minute he puts a ring on her finger.
Teacia, now that I think about it… I wonder if we would be at war right now if blowjobs were strategically implemented into our foreign policy?! I mean yeah this sounds a bit absurd but this theory may have some validity.
On some real sh*t…after further evaluating this statement, I have concluded that I am getting smarter b/c of this blog! Teacia and I just solved the War in Iraq and our foreign policy woes! VSB should be required reading for our America’s students! Where else can they read about the power of fellatio!?!?
I’m telling you…Bill Clinton was a great president b/c he got a fellatio(i’ve always loved this word) or two while being leader of the free world. Why else would he be so cool and calm in the face of adversity…head should be mandatory AND that goes both ways fellas!
…and now back to our regularly scheduled programming “breaking up is hard to do!”
you know, i’m sure i’m in the minority with this, but bj’s are overrated. i mean, sure, i love em, but the big p is like 600 times better. it’s like comparing a steak-um with an actual ruth’s chris steak.
“you know, i’m sure i’m in the minority with this, but bj’s are overrated. i mean, sure, i love em, but the big p is like 600 times better. it’s like comparing a steak-um with an actual ruth’s chris steak.”
awwww, this means ur a romantic…well either that or haven’t been privy to some fire head.
@ Champ: That is unless ur girl observes Steak and BJ day on March 14th. We have Valentine’s Day…it’s only fair right..lol
For those of you who are clueless to what I’m referencing:
http://www.steakandbj.day
Why is it starting to sound like I’m an advocate for head…
“awwww, this means ur a romantic…well either that or haven’t been privy to some fire head.”
lol, i think i’ve had enough head from enough different women (including one in college who we nicknamed “artichoke”. don’t ask) to know by now.
also, this doesn’t mean i’m a romantic…i just really, really love the big p
LoL…I hear ya pimpin.
I have to agree with the Champ on this one. Head is just not that serious to me. And not because I haven’t had some real award winners on the job. It’s just a warm up to me. The whole time I am getting head I am thinking about getting in the goodie good. It just takes more than that to do it for me.
First of all, I do believe that some men out there are suckers for blow jobs more than others. Those that are addicted to receiving will and can be coerced into extending the affair. On the other hand if he’s really not feeling you and he’s told you to beat it the WORST thing you can do is get on your knees. It’s just plain humiliating. Plus if he’s a true player he’s gonna do some mack sh*t and grab your head and work your throat like an oil drill. Do you really want that kind of treatment on your record? Let me answer that for you, NO!
Miss Patterson,
You are really funny as sh*t! This whole comment is just hysterical!
I wasn’t referring to keeping a man or trying to fix a relationship…I was speaking in general AND I was being facetious guys.
“I wasn’t referring to keeping a man or trying to fix a relationship…I was speaking in general AND I was being facetious guys.”
I know… I just thought I’d bring it up for a laugh. I still say that you get the “Profound Statement Award!”
I know…I meant to put that damned “lol” at the end of my statement.
If you are the breaker upper (as opposed to the breaker uppee) like K. said CLEAN BREAK. Y’all can be friends – later. Especially if it was a long term relationship, a clean break is SO needed.
I suck at being the breaker upper. It has never worked out well for me.
I broke up with/divorced my ex-husband after 8 months of pure hell… after we went our separate ways and into other relationships, he had an epiphany and realized that i was the best thing that ever happened to him but it was too late, I found a man who loves and cares for me deeply and now my ex is stalking me. so this list is for men who can’t really get the hint after a break-up:
1. if you cheat, lie, and you ain’t puttin it down (or gettin it up),expect to get dumped.
2. if you show up at your ex-girlfriends apt. drunk and beg for sex while she is with the next man, expect to get shot at.
3. if you ever have to wonder why someone doesn’t want to be with you any more, try some deep introspection.
WOW #1 and #2 this is some straight outta compton sh*t!
Oh, yeah… and it sounds like he should have let himself get shot because his life doesn’t seem worth living.
Erectile Dysfunction + impromptu drunken sex-begging = suicide alert
(was that too mean to say?)
Damn!!!!
“2. if you show up at your ex-girlfriends apt. drunk and beg for sex while she is with the next man, expect to get shot at.”
another t-shirt
QBs have low self-esteem and suffer from severe depression. it’s better that you let them break up with you…then later when he thinks the coast is clear. You make thousands of flyers that boast his sexual dysfunction. (on a sidenote, i really which myspace existed when i was in college…i probably would have written a very evil blog about someone.)
There’s something about guys that I don’t understand. Why is it after a break-up, the guy comes back 6 months later. This has happened multiple times and it doesn’t matter if I ended or the guy ended, they always come back calling 6 months later and try to rekindle the romance.
They’re lonely and were just scrolling through their phone.
“It’s like un-protected sex. With a chick with no arms who doesn’t take birth control pills.”
Do they make AIDS control pills now? If not, and you all aren’t trying to make a baby, why would anyone be having unprotected sex?
MESSAGE
“Do they make AIDS control pills now? If not, and you all aren’t trying to make a baby, why would anyone be having unprotected sex?”
you’re against unprotected sex, even if it’s someone you’ve been in a monogamous relationship with and you’ve both been tested?
Yes. I am waiting until I get married to experience the “raw”. It’s not that married men don’t cheat, but I just feel that I would trust a husband more than a boyfriend. Also, I don’t really care to be on birth control. And I really want to save SOMETHING special for marriage: I am not living with a man or having unprotected sex until then.
“It’s not that married men don’t cheat, but I just feel that I would trust a husband more than a boyfriend.”
Huh? They’re both men. One just has a ring on his finger.
Damn….that’s some reality for your ass!
I suppose. But if we are fucking raw and living together and, oh why not, getting a joint checking acount….what is left for when you get married? I want my marriage to be something more than a license to have children. I want a lifestyle change.
I’d like to believe that a marriage and a committed relationship are seperated by more than a piece of jewelery. If I am in a monogamous relationship, yes, I expect my boyfriend to faithful. But at the end of the day, it is a lot easier to walk away from a boyfriend than it is a marriage. If a BF cheats on me, I have to decide “Can I trust him again? Is he worth marrying?” If my husband cheats it’s like “Okay, we stood before God and our families and agreed that we would be loyal. We have begun a life together.” That to me is a lot deeper than a dating relationship and I expect more.
“I want my marriage to be something more than a license to have children.”
-I didn’t know that’s what marriage was.
“I’d like to believe that a marriage and a committed relationship are seperated by more than a piece of jewelery.”
-Why should it be? If you’re committed to the right person and your relationship is ideal, marriage is just a ring and a piece of paper.
You’re placing too much stock in the word and the ritual and not the connection it implies.
“But at the end of the day, it is a lot easier to walk away from a boyfriend than it is a marriage”
i want to be the devils advocate, but i see and agree with your point. you (should) have more invested with a spouse, and one of those investments is trust.
@ Deviant- No, I am placing stock in the connection. And the connection implied by marriage is stronger than the one implied by
“That’s my girlfriend!” It’s not about the ritual, it’s about the intentions. And when you marry Sister Toldja, your intentions should be to spend the rest of your life with me, faithfully and lovingly. You should intend upon working together to create a family and a life.
I don’t believe a marriage is a piece of paper, I believe it is a very serious statement of intent. There is no guarantee that a spouse won’t cheat, there is no guarantee that the love won’t end. But there is a very serious promise to work towards suceeding as a team. I personally feel that if we are ‘playing house’ and doing married things before marriage, then there is nothing left to do after the nuptuals but have children. This is all hypothetcial, as I refuse to play house or have children out of wedlock.
Are you saying you don’t believe in marriage?
Sister T. (which sounds a little like Mister T. and so now I’m picturing your neck bound in gold chains)
I believe in marriage. I’m just not that pressed about it. I’d rather have a life long relationship with someone I love who is there because they want to be and not because they feel obligated. Ring or no ring.
I’m not saying that your refusal to “play house” is a bad thing. By all means you should stick to your guns on that. That would be like me trying to convince someone to lose their virginity – it’s not my place.
I was just commenting on you saying that you’d trust a husband more than a boyfriend. That part doesn’t make sense because at some point your husband was your boyfriend and you can’t make me believe that the “marriage”exponentially increased his trustworthiness or the value of his intentions of your life together.
Not to get all historical but our ancestors didn’t get married they way we do now. They jumped a broom. It was their commitment to each other that was significant. That’s why I said, I don’t think that marriage is anymore than just a piece of paper and an exchange of jewelry.
And I didn’t just say marriage is nothing but a piece of paper. I questioned why it should be more than that if two people are in an ideal, committed relationship.
Please don’t just use sound bites.
“I was just commenting on you saying that you’d trust a husband more than a boyfriend. That part doesn’t make sense because at some point your husband was your boyfriend and you can’t make me believe that the “marriage”exponentially increased his trustworthiness or the value of his intentions of your life together.”
Wow! That is some super-intelligent sh*t.
I tried getting married without living together first. That experiment went horribly wrong and almost leveled the Florida panhandle. I will be living with the next woman before we get married. It just makes sense to me, that is the only way to see how someone truly is. And I understand the aversion to raw sex, but let me just say you better stick to your guns. Because as soon as you feel the difference you will not want to go back. You will be dragging every man you want to sleep with to get tested so you can roll around hat free all the time.
I can see that arguement, but did you know that statistics show that the divorce rate is HIGHER for couples who live together before marriage? In fact, it is higher for people who have lived with any mate before marriage (meaning if I live with Steve and later marry Malik, I have allegedly increased the chances that Malik and I will divorce.
Regardless of stats, I don’t want to play house. If we are serious to the point of marriage talk, we have spent many (if not most) nights at one another’s home, taken vacations together, spent time amongst each other’s friends and family, observed the other’s spending/saving/cooking/cleaning habits…I’m not gonna be putting on the “dream wifey” show for a man I am serious about. He will see the real me, flaws and all, and be able to accurately judge. I feel like if I live with a man for two years before marriage, ain’t nothing left to do but pop out some babies! I want to live as man and wife for real for a year or two and then start my baby making.
And remember- if you and Sally get tested on Sunday, and you bone Sue raw on Monday and Sally bones Tim on Tuesday…the testing was for naught. Your window is open and you can be catching/spreading something. I am not naive enough to believe that condoms are 100% effective, but I am not even taking a chance without them until “Death do us”.
“statistics show that the divorce rate is HIGHER for couples who live together before marriage?”
-What statistics?
You’re fearful and with good reason. Ninjas kill people.
But if you scared, say you scared. Don’t say you’re saving it for marriage… Because calling someone your husband will not exempt you from danger. You’re no safer married. You’re basically admitting it’s an illusion of safety because you perceive a husband to be more trustworthy than a boyfriend because you took vows. Promises are just words. It’s the person’s intentions that make them powerful.
“… everyday people they lie to God too… So what makes you think they won’t lie to you?” – Ms. Hill
I’m not scared, I am responsible. What is wrong with wanting to save something special for the person I have decided to spend my life with? It’s not about fear, it’s about 1) not wanting to put my self at a hightened risk and 2) wanting to wait for the right time, which to me is marriage.
Yes, INTENTIONS make words powerful. And I hope that my husbands intentions will be good and righteous. I’m not saying that married men don’t cheat, that’s insane. I’m saying if I am gonna put myself at risk, I rather do it with someone who vowed to be faithful in a very serious space. Not just a boyfriend.
Oh, the study was published two years ago. Can’t remember where I read it, sorry. But you can take the stats out my arguement anyway, cause it is still my personal preference to not play house.
I’ve read those marriage statistics too. Not sure how much stock I put in them though…
Anyway, Sis’ T., I agree with you whole heartedly. The fact is there is no practicing when it comes to marriage. Living with someone does not simulate a marital situation. Living with someone could never conjure the pressures that come with lifelong commitment because it is a drastic economic, emotional and psychological shift. When I went from being a 24 year old single man to a 24 year old married man I suddenly realized that I no longer was living for myself but now for my wife and future kids. I put my dreams on hold to make sure my wife’s were fulfilled. I cut back and sacrificed my money and youthful carefree attitude because I felt this new sense of responsibility to the economic and emotional well-being of my wife and unborn children. All that is to say that I would never do these things for someone I was not married to.
I didn’t live with my wife before marriage and I’m glad because I’m confident that we would not be together now. The problems that we endured were devastating and much of our willingness to stay together came from the vows and promises we made to god (and to each other). I’m not religious but something about me divorcing my wife just didn’t sit well with me spiritually.
Now I should also say that I do believe that people can be married without a ceremony, paperwork, officiant, rings etc..
When I said you were fearful, I meant of the cooties.
And see what you’re saying, and I’m not knocking your decisions, but all I’m hearing is I’d rather be married to the man who might infect me.
Deviant, all I am hearing from YOU is “Any man can infect me, so let me get it where the getting is good”. You can hear what you want. Maybe marriage isn’t a sacred, important arraingement to you as it is to me, which is your right. Or maybe you’ve been cheated on so many times, you don’t believe in men anymore, which I can empathize with because for every “Very Good Brotha”, there are 100 who aint shit it seems. Best of luck in not getting the HIV.
THANK YOU, D*Stroy! And I agree that you can be married without being legally bound. True marriage exists in the mind and the heart. But me personally, I want the whole package: the intention, the spiritual bond, the ring and the party.
“Deviant, all I am hearing from YOU is “Any man can infect me, so let me get it where the getting is good”. You can hear what you want. Maybe marriage isn’t a sacred, important arraingement to you as it is to me, which is your right. Or maybe you’ve been cheated on so many times, you don’t believe in men anymore, which I can empathize with because for every “Very Good Brotha”, there are 100 who aint shit it seems. Best of luck in not getting the HIV.”
Wow. It’s incredible to me that you jumped to so many conclusions in the same move.
1) I don’t know how you heard “Any man can infect me, so let me get it where the getting is good” as I don’t recall making any statements about my sexual proclivities other than my preference for sex the way nature intended. Just because I “like it raaaaaawwwwww” doesn’t mean I’m fucking everybody all willy nilly.
2) I said I wasn’t pressed about getting married. That doesn’t mean I don’t think it’s sacred or important. To be completely honest, I don’t care how you view marriage there’s only one other person’s views that will matter when, and if, the opportunity for marriage arises. And I’m sure we both share that sentiment.
3) My beliefs in the opposite sex are just fine. I’m not jaded. In fact, I’m pretty optimistic in matters of the heart.
4) I’ve been doing just fine staying disease free.
…a successful marriage (successful defined as sticktuitivity) can often hinge on living in mutual denial of infidelity.
Oooh baby I like it raaaaaaaawwwwww!
Yeah baby I like it raaaaawwwwwww!
sooooo gooooood but unsafe these days ohhhhhh but soooo dammmmm…….
One more piece of advice. If the relationship ended (especially if you ended it), accept that it’s over and don’t flip out if your ex has moved on. Why do people expect the ex to hang on when they’re the ones who ended the relationship. My ex ended our relationship and when I wasn’t looking, I met a really great guy and start seeing him. My ex found out and had the nerve to cuss me out and hang up the phone. He also said that I never loved him because I moved on so quickly.
He’s just mad because you “won” and now he can’t show you what you’re missing because… you’re not missing it.
Champ,
Seriously, though…how did she get the name “artichoke?”
yeh, i wanna know too!
I’ll admit, in the past I’ve worked to reverse the “let’s breakup” thing. And it worked. I was given second and third chances until I realized something . . . why was I the one being given a chance to make it better? Yeah, I thought I was hot shit, but I had a point. I didn’t break any of the relationship cardinal rules, perhaps I strayed near the lines of a couple. . .
But anyway, I guess those were times where I was still learning about the things that were important to me. Important enough that they are immediate deal makers or deal breakers – do not pass go, do not begin relationship. I guess they were learning theirs as well.
So now, I don’t think I will fight as hard anymore. Or perhaps I’ll be the one to start the conversation instead of pretending I could live with certain things forever.
Break up with the family as well…Because no one wants to run into their ex at Thanksgiving dinner and why the hell not?
I couldn’t agree more. When I was in college the mothers of every Negro I dated loved me…I was the daughter they never had, so I’d make every effort (even during the obvious demise of my affair with their son) to stay in touch. I don’t know what it is, but something about getting the mother’s approval almost makes you want to stick around. Trust me it’s not a good idea. Eventually, in all of my situations I had to dump moms shortly after the break-up. In most cases I realized I dug the family more than the guy…but that’s another topic for my therapist.
I’m thinking now perhaps there is some ejaculate in my brain…hmmm
LMAO! No I’m kidding but seriously I have no issues breaking it off with anyone. If I’m feeling a situation I don’t like to waste time. I will go as far as paying $15 to get my number changed if the message is not recieved well and is out of control.
It’s another story when someone breaks up with me…that’s difficult, not because of the time, emotions or sex..simply I don’t like rejection and feel a sense of loss of control…a vulnerability. Depending on how it’s done he will come face to face with Ms. Jekkyl!
I’ve found that there is no best way to break up with a woman. …in person on the phone etc. You still get that victims pie all over you. Finger pointing and such, what I did for you, who is it?, are you wearing that shirt i bought you out with this bi***? but however if whatever you do or don’t garners amicable results with the understanding that GOOD PEOPLE can just not be meant for each other then thats waht you want. may be friends with benefits waiting for you down the road if thats what you want at that place in time. BTW the goodbye sex was so intense. oooohhhhh weeeeee!
Point Deviant.
“You’re no safer married. You’re basically admitting it’s an illusion of safety because you perceive a husband to be more trustworthy than a boyfriend because you took vows. Promises are just words. It’s the person’s intentions that make them powerful.”
Point D* Stroy
“I was just commenting on you saying that you’d trust a husband more than a boyfriend. That part doesn’t make sense because at some point your husband was your boyfriend and you can’t make me believe that the “marriage”exponentially increased his trustworthiness or the value of his intentions of your life together.”
Wow! That is some super-intelligent sh*t.
Point Champ:
you know, i’m sure i’m in the minority with this, but bj’s are overrated. i mean, sure, i love em, but the big p is like 600 times better. it’s like comparing a steak-um with an actual ruth’s chris steak.