heavy load movie This past weekend, 2/3 of the VSB family, VSB P and Liz, threw a birthday BBQ in Washington, DC to commemorate our ascendance into wisdom and sagacity. You weren’t invited, unless you were, in which case you were probably there since quite a few people I actually didn’t know were there. At my house. That’s okay, this BBQ was practice of Iversonian levels. For what you ask?
The VSB BBQ. You heard it here first. Coming soon.
Anyway.
It’s summertime in your city. The advent of summertime means that every weekend, save for the weather, somebody you know is having a BBQ. Now you might not KNOW that a BBQ is going on, but perhaps you just weren’t invited.
Maybe it’s because you suck and don’t know BBQ etiquette. Lucky for you, I was born.
Allons-y.
VSB Guide: The Do’s and Don’ts of BBQ Etiquette
Do show up with something unless it is specifically stated by the host that you are not to bring a thing. Nothing is worse than the mothertrucker who just shows up to the BBQ, eats all the food, drinks all the drinks, doesn’t help clean up and leaves. If this is you, go kill yourself.
On the other hand, don’t show up with some twist-ties for some trash bags that you did not bring, talking about “I’m contributing to the cause.” I’m not saying somebody did this this past weekend, I’m just saying don’t ever do that again motherf*cker or I’ll run you over with my Magnum with two boxes of Kit-Kats in my trunk.
Do make sure to dress appropriately for a BBQ, which is by most accounts, an outdoor event. At this past BBQ, this chick I know (bless her heart) ACTUALLY showed up with a sweater on because it was “cool” this morning.
By the way, that morning, it was 69 degrees outside. The forecast predicted 80. I don’t care if you’re from the 7th ring of Hell where its usually 2000 degrees, if the forecast is 80, wear some loose fitting and non-wool clothes, duckface.
If you choose not to wear the appropriate clothing, don’t complain to anybody that it’s hot as it will give Panama them free reign to douse your dumas with the water hose. Not that this happened or anything.
Do make sure that if you are going to drink alcohol in the sweltering sun and heat that you pace yourself so that you don’t end up being the dude trying to go to sleep on my somebody’s deck because you mixed too much light and dark liquor together and got sick. It just doesn’t make you look good — you look like the guy who can’t handle his liquor.
Do enjoy whatever food that the hosts provide assuming it tastes good, but don’t complain about what they didn’t cook if you didn’t bring a single thing to the table in the first place. There’s nothing worse than somebody who finds a reason to complain because you didn’t have steak at your BBQ when they showed up with a bottle of $2.99 wine. Seriously, who in the flying black squirrel f*ck drinks wine at a BBQ anyway?? That’s new to me. Perhaps I’m uncultured because at every BBQ I’ve been to its beer and hard liquor.
Apparently as you acquire degrees, folks start bringing Pinot Noir to the soiree. Hey ho. Hey hey.
Do make sure to be social. It’s a BBQ: God’s Social Hour. Seriously, that’s how you can tell whether or not you have a keeper boyfriend or girlfriend. If you take them to a BBQ, a social event by design, and they retreat into themselves and don’t speak to anybody except you, throw the b*tch back.
By the way, in that last sentence, b*tch is non-gender specific.
Speaking of speaking, if you do happen to decide to go to a BBQ being thrown by somebody you don’t know, don’t traipse your happy little arse into the person’s abode or pavilion and not speak to a single person except the person you know. For one, a person like me will call you straight the f*ck out for coming into my establishment on some f*ck sh*t. But also, it’s just rude. And nobody likes rude people. People like nice people who smile and speak.
Maybe it’s the southerner in me, but seriously, that’s like coming in my house and not wiping your feet on the rug. Disrespect.
Well, I think that’s enough out of VSB P for now. What are some other do’s and don’ts that people need to be aware of when attending a BBQ and specifically the upcoming VSB BBQ?
Sharing is caring people. We’re indirectly healing the world.
-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL, HE A 3
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- chasing windmills: the six part vsb guide to keeping a woman happy
{ 401 comments… read them below or add one }
Stop talkin bout my friends!!!
LOL.
@Liz,
LMAO!!!!!!
@Liz, I’m not talking about your friends. But just in case I am, how’s about you forward this joint to them anyway…
@Panama Jackson, I can’t cuz then they’ll think/know you’re talkin about em
@Liz,
i think that’s the point LOL
@Liz, you win some, you lose some.
#9 shoulda been #1 to me
If you bring Aristocrat, Milwaukee’s Best, or Natural Ice then do not lock your lips around the Heineken, Grey Goose, or Red Stripe. Stay in your lane. Don’t be THAT guy.
@Naturally Alise,
I am with you. I have a friend who brings Miller Lights – something no one drinks – but will drank, yes drank, all the Stella Artois.
@Naturally Alise,
Natty Ice comes with a baby t and candy necklace. Is there even likka in there? Iono, but if you come in with it, expect to leave with it.
@Saule Wright,That’s real talk
@Saule Wright, Speaking of leaving with it, if you brought something and nobody drank it, or it didnt get cracked open, unless the host gives it back to you. Consider it your gift to the host, DO NOT TAKE IT BACK!
I agree.
They came to your house and didn’t speak? Oh H33333333LL no!
I usually don’t bring things to family BBQs, but I always ask if we need anything. What ever happened to making a good first impression?
LOL at the wine. I suspect they were the ones feeling sick by the end of the afternoon.
Another rule I’d like to add: You know your body. Don’t eat something or eat so much that you’ll have everyone waiting for you to finish in the bathroom. As a hostess I am forgiving and when you have to go you have to go. But I’m just saying, if you can avoid the scenario….
@Ms. Hall, & Panama Jackson…
sweeties, in SA, it’s acceptable to bring wine to the braai (i even sipped someone’s port at the last one i attended)
it was held on voting day, april 22nd, and summer had begun to creep out, but we’d resolved to hold that braai on voting day come hell or high water, so after ‘making our mark’, off we traipsed to zoo lake, all bundled up in our jerseys, fired up about 3 braai stands and got to roasting and eating a lot of meat, drinking lots of booze, (including wine and port, hee hee), and celebrating south africa’s 15 year old democracy – and it was all good!
besides that, i agree with every item on your braai etiquette guide, peejay dearest…
(you see me slooshing up to you after incorrectly attributing yesterdays article to champie…)
@superwoman, try harder. lol. like i said, perhaps i’m just uncultured. i’m okay with that.
@Ms. Hall,
Shetting in my bathroom=disrespect!
I won’t call you out or talk behind your back, but I will be seething. Esp. if your shetty antics are a result of you eating up all my gd food!
I generally don’t ask ppl to bring anything or even expect it, but I never show up to somebody’s house without at least a big bottle of liquor.
@Me fail english?,
Why are y’all so hard on the sheeters? I bring my own wet ones, and wipe down the seat before and after. Dang IBS can get a sista down, no need to pile on!
@Lil’T, we’ve all seen House Party. it’s almost a given that somebody is gonna clog the toilet. its going down like a yung joc song.
@Panama Jackson,
like pops on Friday ‘aint nobody droppin a stinky load but me” yall betta hold it I hate when people do #2 at my spot I feel hella violated gotta lysol the seat a shiiii 5x.
@BLUNTBLAZER,
Word! Unless you pay the bills in this mothaeffa…There’s an Exxon two blocks up.
@BLUNTBLAZER,
i’m sayin though…if i’m welcome enough to eat your food, then i should be welcome enough to drop a deuce. it’s biology
@Ms. Hall,
“They came to your house and didn’t speak? Oh H33333333LL no! ”
Yeah that is the ultimate diss. Oh, you being silent in my house. IN MY ISH? You better silence your way back off my property.
This is why you build that lil 1/2 bath close to where you do the most entertaining. EVERYONE has been in a situation where we have been forced to-do-a-numba-2 in a place in which we didnt prefer. Lets be realistic. I don’t even use my own guest WC in my own house… and i clean it! The last thing i want to do is try to hover/squat over your toilet in my summer bbq dress, with my 4 in wedges, after 1 or 4 henn-n-redbulls…. I don’t think ppl save up their shyt all week, just to have the pleasure of sqweezin one out on your turlit (<thats my New Orleans accent coming out).. Nature Calls Folks!
@Laneianna,
“This is why you build that lil 1/2 bath close to where you do the most entertaining.”
Yeah, folks at my sister’s place actually specifically point out that this is where number 2 is to be done. The boo-boo bathroom, if you will.
@Cheekie,
*Deader than MC Hammer in the 90′s on a minefield* @ the “boo-boo” bathroom… I don’t know why that tickles me.
@Laneianna,
lol my cuzzins still call it camode
@BLUNTBLAZER,
It’s that too. I prefer camode; my moms and maw maw say turlit. lol.
@iloV.E.G.rits,
maw maw dam i miss my maw maw RIP she was hella country “beeeeeebe”
@Laneianna,
“turlit”
LOVES IT.
Ya homegirl
@iloV.E.G.rits,
Well you just gonna have to come to one of my shindigs since you so close…. and you can come back to VSB and tell em’ all about it.. As a matter of fact, I am giving my father a party on the 20th @ Gabby’s in the old Kenilworth shopping center (New Orleans East Ya Heard!)on the 20th!!
@Laneianna,
I live in New Orleans. Can I come? Huh? Can I? Can I? Please…?
@Laneianna,
Party at Gabby’s? The pool hall?
@Laneianna,
Yes Gabby’s right off of the Morrison Exit on the service rd. June 20 9pm.. C-yall there.. No funny akkin people round these parts!
Don’t come through late – very late – into the evening expecting there to be food and drink left.
And if you notice EVERYONE is leaving but you still want to chill…find some place else to go chill. GET OUT.
Don’t tease the owner’s cat. Or mistake it for a puppy. Or chase it around the room.
@iloVEGrits,
Don’t tease the owner’s cat. Or mistake it for a puppy. Or chase it around the room.
Lol. Just lol
@Imperfect,
Chile. The cat (R.I.P) has been dead a year but I am still BOTHERED that folks harassed him so at a bbq I had about 2 1/2 years ago. At 12, nearly 13, he was too old for all their foolishness!
One fool actually said “that’s a different looking kind of puppy.”
Me: “it’s a cat.”
still lol’ing at that one.
@iloVEGrits, made me think of that Martin episode when he and Gina went on vacation and that cat/dog attacked Martin thru the window
one of the funniest damn episodes
@Blacklaw,
THAT AINT NO DAMN PUPPY!!!
@Me fail english?,
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BXrJH8VgOgs&feature=related
@iloVEGrits,
“And if you notice EVERYONE is leaving but you still want to chill…find some place else to go chill. GET OUT.”
Or help clean up.
@Saule Wright,
exactly never be the last one to leave or I will never invite you back unless you look like Rosie Perez then you can stay lol
@iloVEGrits, you know, i’ve always wondered why people thought it was okay to show up to a BBQ that started at 4pm…at 11pm at night.
you’re running a real risk that folks are even still there, but that’s a wee bit disrespectful too. like, it took you 7 hours to decide to roll thru…FOR 10 MINUTES??
next time, don’t come. in fact, you won’t come cuz you just got disinvited to further Panama functions.
@Panama Jackson,
Oh better yet, those folks who are supposed to bring the paper products (plates, napkins) are the fools who show up 4 hours late. Um…yeah…we needed that stuff when the party started, jagoff.
Also…don’t start touching the music selection trying to find some ‘dance’ music. It’s a BBQ, not a club. lol.
@iloVEGrits,
CHUUUUCH. Everybody is a DJ….and when they put in that ONE song that kills all the conversation, they look around like “who did that”. turrble
@Saule Wright, Yes yes, don’t come to my barbecue with a CD talking about play this. Ninja please, not only will this get you cussed out but you will also be place on the ninjas that are not invited anymore list.
@JamaicanGirl,
True life.
And truthfully, you can tell the type of crowd its SUPPOSED to be by the musical selection most of the time.
I say “supposed” because of some people allowing special guest DJ’s to toss any and everything in the Player. Don’t do that.
@iloVEGrits, true story. my iPod probably doesn’t have a single song it from the past 3 years. and i have 15K songs on my iPod. let’s just say, the swag surfers were not happy about that as they wanted to hear the day’s latest concoctions.
i told them that if they can’t rock out to michael jackson on a warm June day…then they need to go kill themselves.
@Panama Jackson, PJ, for this statement alone I am now your number one fan
“my iPod probably doesn’t have a single song it from the past 3 years.”
@Intellectual Hedonist,
Where do I sign?
@Intellectual Hedonist, lol. yeah folks were looking at my iPod like it had SARS.
who the f*ck is Blue Oyster Cult??? is that something Rick Ross started?? where is Soulja Boy!?!
f*ckouttahere.
@Panama Jackson, can I tell you my girl in Jamaica asked me to cop her some new music cause they dont get it for a while so she started listing some folk like Rick Ross and Jim Jones, and I told her sorry I cant I would rather cop you some hard core drugs then spend hard earned American money on that ish….
@Panama Jackson,
True talk there. I hate the BBQ where we only gotta listen to hard core gangster ish cuz there are some muthaf@ckers trying to be hard. Can’t we just sit back and groove and listen to the old school joints.
All apologies to Katt Williams but “Why are you angry…”at a BBQ?
@Panama Jackson, if you don’t have ANY EWF on your Ipod and you trying to DJ, go away.
@T. Troy Stewart, word.life.
@Panama Jackson, yeah, there’s a time and a place for everything. and a summer bbq at my crib is neither the time nor place to start booty poppin or swag surfin
@A Plus,
lol. They can stop by my BBQ for that
very important…not just for a BBQ, but anny event in general.
If you say that you’re comin…come!!! It’s that simple
I too hosted a BBQ this past weekend for my B-Day. Invited oh about 50 people, includin kids. 30 said they’d show up. I bought/prepared food/drinks for 30 people. 10 people showed up! Yes 10. And we had a ball…we did. But I’da had a lot more fun if my money did not go to waste. What the hayell am I supposed to do wih 10 packs of hotdog/hamburger buns?? I’ll tell you…throw it away cause we don’t eat burgers and hotdogs at home and there’s only 3 of us. And one of us ain’t got no teeth!
WooSah…
If you’re not sure, say “I’m not sure”
And to add…
It’s a BBQ. There’s gonna be butter and sauce and probably even some red Kool-Aid. So don’t go gettin your knickers in a knot if somebody’s kid runs by and accidentally smears ketchup…yup on your white T/white linen pants/brand new white 1s. If you don’t want it dirty keep it at home in your closet where the red stuff is not
If you ain’t playin or waitin for your turn, stay away from the spades table! It ain’t a game! You will get shanked
And if there aren’t enough seats and you ain’t eatin, get up!!! I cannot balance a plate full and a drink standing, but you sure can socialize standing up.
@Imperfect,
“If you ain’t playin or waitin for your turn, stay away from the spades table! It ain’t a game! You will get shanked”
No truer statement has ever been spoken.
@iloVEGrits,
..and the church says “Amen”
@Numbah 5, and say it again
“AMEN”
@iloVEGrits,
dominoes too we be serious think eryone tryna look at our hands dont sit/stand behind me lol
@BLUNTBLAZER,
And about dominoes…if it looks like I brought out the kiddie table last used on Thanksgiving ’88 for yall to play that ish on, DONT SMACK THE EFFIN TABLE!
Who made y’all ninjas MC Eiht?
@Me fail english?,
its hella unconcious (dam i need a spell check at all times) reaction my homie dominoed tha table so hard he fell thru tha mutha lol
@Imperfect,
*pours out a little likka* I ain’t mean to bury him like that. But renigin’ on wheels/boston/stand up/rock a bye/etc. is punishable by death where I’m from….sorry.
@Imperfect, that whole post is nothin but the truuff
@Imperfect,
“one of us ain’t got no teeth”
I am hoping this is your baby or an elder parent you are caring for and NOT your man.
@Imperfect, how about the inverse…if you say you’re not coming when you were invited, don’t show up. lol. or if you do, you have to wait until everybody’s eaten twice before you can eat once for throwing off my count
Rude people who don’t speak are a perplexing, evil, waste of lifespace that upset my delicate, side eyeing, straight asking who you are sensibilities. ijustcant.
And since I had the day from h3ll complete with an in-office crisis while I was surrounded by rude @ss people at this conference (lets move the bbq to coming into your booth trying to grab 4 or 5 of your items to put into their already overflowing bag of crap non-speaking triflin’ @sses), I have nothing else to add at this point.
except rude people suck straws. kick rocks. and just get on my f^cking nerves.
*sigh* ok. i’m done now.
@SouthernGirl in San Antonio,
lolol. Relax. Relate. Release.
Get home safely!
@SouthernGirl in San Antonio,
yes, the not speaking at any sort of social event always perplexed me… like, ain’t that the point?… the same people who don’t speak at social gatherings are the same folks who say “Where can I go to meet good guys/girls?” At a BBQ as opposed to a club you might meet a quality specimen, and you can screen them bc a BBQ isn’t loud and is usually well lit at some point.
@Naturally Alise,
“the same people who don’t speak at social gatherings are the same folks who say “Where can I go to meet good guys/girls?” ”
This is the second truest statement ever spoken.
Y’all some VSPeeps.
@SouthernGirl in San Antonio
There’s a name for rude people who don’t speak even though they know d@mn well you are standing right next to them at a social event, or alone with them in the elevator . . . “New Yorkers.”
@An Island,
lmao
@An Island,
Winner.
@An Island, LOL. that is very funny.
@An Island,
HAHA! Yeah, that’s in the dictionary.
@An Island,
BWAHHH!
@SouthernGirl in San Antonio,
I don’t mind shy people, but rude people can really change my mood. Especially at a networking event.
I aint mad at ppl who just wanna touch base with who they know and dont really care about meeting new people at a BBQ or smthg (esp. if you already know most of the people there). But the ppl that get cute when you start speaking at an effing Meet -n- Greet?! Like wtf did you think was gonna happen here?
On a completely unrelated note (sorry), I am watching Imitation of Life for the umpteempth time (1934 version). You can tell the woman who wrote the original story was white. Had Terry McMillan told this story, Peola’s ‘mammie’ would have beaten that whole “I’m white” ish outta her real early.
Now, back to your regularly scheduled programming.
@iloVEGrits,
LOL
that was actually the 3rd thing u’ve said tonight that made me giggle. so i decided hey. why not let her know.
@iloVEGrits, Love that movie. I haven’t seen it in years though.
1. don’t go fixin yourself a take-home plate early on b/c you a greedy phat-a$$ and no you can’t take a plate home for *insert name*, if they didn’t come they ain’t getting none of my bbq goodies.
–Don’t say you gonna bring some food and show up with enuff for 2 pple, or just yourself? wtf!!—
2. don’t go tryin to hook up with someone (especially my man) just cause you get s-l-u-t-t-y after a few cocktails and the atmosphere is chill & laid back.
3. don’t go startin no $hit that’s gonna get the cops called to my spot and/or get me involved in some ol’ foolish $hit that’s gonna make me have to whoooop that @ss.
4. don’t be invitin some ignant folks to my house when you know d@m! good and well i wouldn’t want them fools in my crib
___
All the aforementioned don’ts DID happen at my 28th bbq bash…it was all fun and games until my “friend” got all touchy-feely on my man and we ended up scrapin…and the cops (3 squad cars)was called to my house at 3am…smh. Luckily, I knew one of officer(s) so I was told to get in the crib…and I guess luckily for her, she was boning one of the other officers…so she didn’t get locked up…
**has anyone in DC ever been to the Safeway BBQ? Is it worth checkin out? June 27-28? **
@maria, damn, just damn
@maria, just wow
@maria, when’s your 30th birthday BBQ?
@T. Troy Stewart,
yea right…my 30th came and went…I bought my self a ticket to Chicago and hung out with my friends-family from home..bunk that…everyone that didn’t caught up in the foolishness of my 28th was talkin bout i coulda sold tickets to that join cause that’s how entertaining the whole night turned out…smh
@maria, i’ve never even heard of the Safeway BBQ but i’m guessing its gonna be a hood event if ive ever seen one. unless its in Georgetown.
@Panama Jackson,
this is the link, it’s on the mall…what can i say I’m missing the good ol’ days of going to the Taste of Chicago…
http://www.bbqdc.com/
@maria,
wow… you had some TRIFLIN guests
@maria,
Safeway BBQ???
Something about this just sound wrong.
@ChocolateGirlWonder, don’t it? i dont imagine anybody that reads showing up.
@ChocolateGirlWonder,
lol! It sounds like a BBQ full of obese and toofless people
@ChocolateGirlWonder,
http://www.bbqdc.com/
yea here’s the link…i dunno I was just tryin to see if anyone had gone to it…lol guess that’s a big old NO..lol
@maria,
I co-sign this whole message
Don’t be the lush who turns into the BBQ h* after a little liquor. It’s cool to “be social” and meet prospects, but no lap dances to strangers just because you’ve had one too many margaritas. It’s still daylight and children are present!!!
Sorry, I had a BBQ two weeks ago and some people take “Blame it on the Alcohol” a little too far.
Speaking of which, don’t turn my BBQ into divorce court just because you’ve had a couple of drinks. Everyone knows that you all are having problems but the BBQ is happy time…leave that sh*t at home!
@I was wondering….,
I was hoping to score at LEAST 1 lap dance from her.
@Saule Wright, for some reason that line in “blame it on the alcohol” “…she spilled some ‘drank’ on me”
is so funny to me
@I was wondering….,
“Speaking of which, don’t turn my BBQ into divorce court just because you’ve had a couple of drinks. Everyone knows that you all are having problems but the BBQ is happy time…leave that sh*t at home!”
I never understood this, either, and I think I’ve seen it at almost every barbecue I’ve ever been to.
However the BBQ Gardening tool has had a LOT to do with that argument the couple has… It’s like they go hand in hand… attracted like magnets.
Just don’t let Chauncey drink. He’s GOING to make you want to pistol whip him. It’s just who he is. You’ve been warned.
@Dante_Alexander, LOL hard at “Just don’t let Chauncey drink. He’s GOING to make you want to pistol whip him.”
@T. Troy Stewart,
eryone got a family member like that the bar closes early for them we gotta find activities n shiiii for them to partake in
@BLUNTBLAZER, LOL “find activities”
@T. Troy Stewart,
u kno to take they mind off drinkin and shiii lol like ninja go watch a disney movie a chill out always tryna fight somebody but they fam
@Dante_Alexander,
“Just don’t let Chauncey drink. He’s GOING to make you want to pistol whip him. It’s just who he is. You’ve been warned.”
*snort* I can’t survive here, for real. Ya’ll are clownin’ today.
And Chauncey? STOP now. Ol’ suss name.
If you’re an anti-pork/red meat person, show up early. I’m cooking your b.s. turkey dogs/burgers and veggies first. Don’t come 3 hours in and then complain because the ribs “contaminated” whatever you wanted heated up on the grill later.
@Sheffield Swats,
I love that you said “b.s. turkey dogs/burgers and veggies” , I hate uppity foodies (who are in the minority) who try to bash the rest of the carnivores (who are in the majority) about our burgers and hotdogs… next time bring a damn bag lunch, and if you complain I’ll smack you with a beef pattie…
@Naturally Alise,
Bag lunch is a good idea for some folks. Had a vegetarian show up with her own asparagus at the end of the festivities. Fine. Oh but now that it’s touching the hot links, you all huffy? Exit stage left please.
@Sheffield Swats, Matter of fact, I don’t want their health foods contaminating my polish sausage with green peppers and onions that I’m about to throw down on.
And I don’t want them eyeing me in disgust as I devour it. They need to sit at the kid’s table.
@Sheffield Swats, Lol @ all of this. Vegetarians should know better…I show up early with my OWN veggie business (w/ extras for others that might come…)
@Mr. Mister, the veggies and rastas in my circle get on my dam nerves with this dam contamination stuff. So now we have two grills one for the meat and one for the Veg heads.
@JamaicanGirl,
You’re so kind.
They better bring their own. Who’s barbecue THEY tryin to contaminate. I dunno how to cook that veggie sheet.
@Dante_Alexander,
Exactly. bring your own effin grill. This is MY crib and you can’t have it your way.
@Me fail english?,
exactly herbavores kno not to show up cause they gone starve we ghetto even the “patata” salad gott bacon bits in lol
@BLUNTBLAZER,
LMAO! I think we might be related!
@Sheffield Swats, man, if this comment was a woman, i’d sop it up with a biscuit covered in Red-Koolaid.
@Sheffield Swats,
LMFAO!
If you are a big person like myself, DO plan on either a significant amount of time standing or DO bring a chair to support yourself. It’s not cool breaking folks flimsy walmart lawn furniture or watching folks get giggly like a little child as you start to squat in that chair that is already trembling just from your shadow.
*hold me*
@Saule Wright, lol
@Saule Wright, LMAO!
@Saule Wright, LMAO (pronounced Le-May-Oh; French origin)
@Saule Wright,
As a team chunk member I can appreciate this…lol
@Saule Wright,
LOL oh my, i tear of joy fell from my eye just now
@Saule Wright,
LMAO!!
SHHH you are disturbing my monkeys!
@Saule Wright, LOL! you had to wait until my boss is right outside my door to share that.
@Saule Wright, I am a calorically challened American (but I’m cute though, don’t get it twisted) and I am proud to say that I have never demolished any furniture. It’s all in how you position your chunky arse.
If you heavily structured, you should be able to look at something and computer scan like The Terminator and know the psi and weight max of a chair INSTANTLY and plan accordingly…
@Saule Wright,
iChortled.
But this is true. Had a friend DEMOLISH one of my Smith and Hawkens. I myself am no flyweight and those aren’t flyweight chairs.
I still love him though. But D@MN son!!
@blackberry molasses,
I broke the leg of my roomates bed one time. I didnt stop till i popped tho lololol the chick was impressed with my focus.
@BLUNTBLAZER,
I will not start listing the furniture I’ve broken due to “activities”. Nope. Just know its enough to fill a furniture store.
@blackberry molasses,
lmao good to know im not the only one. Ive only broke a bed , towel rack (dont grab them thangs they aint made to hold on to) and a chair before oh yea that weight bench dam lolol almost forgot about that.
@BLUNTBLAZER,
Damnit! How the hell did you break a weight bench?!
I’m back to looking out for my folks who are taller when they lie down than when they are standing….ya know, those of us whose inseam is shorter than the waist size….a’la 36′ 29 or sum’n like that. DO NOT gawk at our plate as we get food. We know, we either are trying to eat light so you won’t talk about us, or we are piling it on and that explains our enormity. Yea yea yea, but you ain’t gotta look at us like that.
*puts slab of ribs on saucer sized paper plate*
How rude.
One more for the road….DO NOT wear a tank top, shorts, and sandals then complain about bugs. It’s like a Monte Carlo on dubs to a cop, you WILL draw interest.
@Saule Wright, or just bring some damn Off.
Thou shall not make up a big @ss plate of food and not eat it.
COME ON! those baked beans ribs extra burger and potato salad would have been PERFECTLY happy with me or some other “we believe in eating good while the eatins good” individual. You making a huge plate and not eating the majority is sacrilege of the WORST kind.
I propose to the VSB family we think up punishments for such behavior. Any Ideas?
@ESQuared,
Food waste makes me upset…lol
@miss t-lee,
Me too. Like I will be very, very unhappy with you. And even burst in song about all the children that are starving in the world.
I hate food wasters
almost as much as I hate cats@ESQuared,
Expulsion from the premises, I think.
@WordSmith,
And no more invites! Thankfully I’ve never run into this animal. I might weep where I stand.
Wait that’s a lie. The kids in my family are famous for this shet and it’s not their faults. I dont know why the old folks see this 10 pound sprite and expect her to down a small rack of ribs for dolo. She won’t even SIT to eat.
Obviously she’s gonna eat half a burger and go attack the dog for the rest of the night. But nooo, my fam wants to give her a heaping plate of fly fodder and then have the nerve to get pissed when she doesn’t eat it. My petty/greedy asz cant wait to have some pickneys just so I can go to THEIR houses and throw out a pile of half eaten steak and shrimp on some “oh Junior’s not hungry anymore” ish.
*fumes*
@Me fail english?,
Oh heyll naw.
The kids at our BBQ’s get hot dogs and sides…that’s it.
They ain’t messing off the good stuff. No way…
@miss t-lee,
zactly!!!!
@ESQuared,
Just make sure they do not fix another plate! If they want a togo plate tell them go find all that food they just threw in the trash and take that home!
@Ms. T, Oh they better KNOW not to get caught making another plate of any kind. ESPECIALLY a take home jammy. The fam stays on the look out for that kind of stuff and you will get called out.
And dont be tryna hog up all the desert either. I know Miss D made that Tripple Chocolate, Red Velvet, and German Chocolate for everyone, BUT that does NOT mean you need to eat 3 pieces off each cake.
I know its good. We ALL know its good. So stop being a ninja, EASE UP, and let us have some too.
@ESQuared, Oprah to Harpo: beat her.
@Panama Jackson,
LMAO
@Panama Jackson, LMAO
@Panama Jackson,
LOL! I hate u for this.
Damn, I could so see the ex-factor (who still calls to this day, I might add) as that anti-social bistarrrd who retreats into only talking to me, and gets all in a huff like I’m not supposed to say peace to my folks I know well. I know this from how she would always have something to say when we finally get alone/leave about how I chummed it up with someone, struck up a conversation, displayed my personality, etc. Like it completely never occurs to her that maybe she’s the one who’s off. Not to mention she really has no sense of adventure about things that weren’t her idea. That’s why she’s the ex and I never take her anywhere that I really wanna kinda go hard at. I’m asking to be miserable to be booed back up with her snob arse.
@Stuff Ghetto People Like,
bawahahahaha, so what is she good enuff to take to, I’m wondering?
@maria,
LOL sounds like a movie or an opera! LOL
@maria,
She only goes places she’s interested in and that I know I won’t see the homies or freaks I’ve talked to. Basically sand-to-the-beach affairs.
Don’t start making take home plates until everyone has ate
For you greedy mfers, Do not bring the following items to a bbq – foil, foam platters, tubaware or anything food can be taken home in. The purpose of a BBQ is not for your @ss to have leftovers for the following week
For all my playas (male & female) it’s not a good idea to invite all your exes or current SO/ jumpoffs or a combination of both to your cook out. Shyt like that only works in movies
One of my pet peeved as far as BBQ’s go, is when the host keeps all the good food & liquor for themselves. I’m eating a burnt @ss hotdog & sipping on Mad dog 20/20 while your inconsiderate @ss is enjoying steak & henny.
Then you have people who complain about everything at your shindig and when you attend theirs it like going to a soup kitchen
Okay, I’m done ranting, now I have to get back to cramming for this midterm that will take place on a couple of hours. Sorry for any mispellings. It’s hard typing on a damn phone while trying to stay awake
@Eff yo couch,
dang, you wrote that entire post from you phone! that’s some skills, good luck on your test
@Eff yo couch, i hope thats iphone or crackberry, that toook skillz
well played sir, well played
@Eff yo couch, that really is quite a feat you pulled off hombre.
@Eff yo couch, good luck with the midterm and I too applaud your skill and technique.
One of the reasons I was gone and lurked for so long was because I did not have the strength to respond from the crackberry… got frustrated too fast
@Eff yo couch,
Everything you said is hilarious.
I recently went to a cookout where every guy was either an ex, jump of or “old friend” of one of the females in attendance.
LMAO @ the soup kitchen comment. I must say all of my local friend know how to throw a good BBQ.
If you attend any frat party, they keep the good stuff in the back. I went to a kappa party a few months back. They were literally pouring cups on kool-aid into out cups telling us it had alcohol in it. 2 cups later, we had red lips and were still sober. One of the bruhs responds you have to drink4 cups to feel it. What kind of likka takes 4 cups to feel the effect?!?!?
@Ivy St.,
LOL. The Kappas have always been the stingiest frat party throwinest ninjas I’ve known
Only one thing comes to mind that really irks me about BBQs:
When you are leaving, don’t pack up plates for you, your baby’s mama/ daddy, your child, your pet goldfish, etc. If the host tells you to take a plate, fine, take ONE. If the host doesn’t mention it, leave just how you came.
@Nicki Sunshine,
Yes, and don’t try taking the rest of anything, unless the host offers it to you. That potato salad is reserved for the clean up crew!
@Me fail english?, Exactly!!!!!!
Spades can get serious
watch out for new partners
if the host is your new partner dont try to play him if he reneg
Dont be tryna insinuate things would have gone diff. if you had your “normal” partner there
just let it go
@Blacklaw,
lol i can appreciate this… but sometimes the host *looking around hoping Poison Ivy St isn’t around* IS the normal partner and then we just have one big ol mess!!
@Gem…BeThatAsItMay,
I caught you!! I see how it is! Man, it’s hard in these streets. Leave for a moment and then they talking about your spades game!
I see you Gemmie baby! Next time Killa K is going to be your partner. Enjoy!
@Ivy St.,
lmao you know i love you!!! i have NEVER abandoned you as a partner have i?? we just hit a mighty rough patch. until the last spades game we got into– we killed the competition!!!
if only that second game hadn’t started with us only gettin 2 books LOL
@Blacklaw, if you don’t know how to play spades, don’t come to the table trying to play spades with me. I am not your Spades Sensei, I will cut you if we get to playing and you start asking “what’s a big joker”…YOU THE BIG JOKER…get out of here!
And don’t come to the table trying to be cute, prostitute. This is serious business. You play catch-a-man somewhere else.
If you drunk, don’t come to the table.
And don’t ask if we playing YAHOO SPADES…look around, this ain’t YAHOO SPADES country, bag deeznuts
@T. Troy Stewart,
“YOU THE BIG JOKER”
Teee heeee….
Also I have a sternly worded letter I want to share with the public:
Dear Spades Bammas,
If you come to my table talmbout a kitty, blinds, or going nil or some other family or 2520 rules, I am just gonna get up from the table, refresh my drink, and expect you to have vacated the table by the time I get back.
Best,
Alise
@Naturally Alise, you don’t like the “alabama rules” or “that’s how we play spades in mississippi”, HBCU rules when you know you didn’t go to school there, you were the janitor”…etc?
there should be some law about your butt going double blind one hand in because you thought that you were going to get all seven books you called and didn’t even think for one second that somebody just might be cuttin’ from jump
@Naturally Alise, ayeeeeeee hold up. I always have to ask about the rules at different folks functions. The list of random bonuses i have in my head requires it.
For instance:
4 Jokers = bonus 100 points
Joker Joker Duce Ace= 50 or 100 points
What consitutes a throw in hand? (no spades or no face cards?)
Is passing cards between partners allowed?
Overs or not?
Criteria for Sandbags? (How many times can you under bid before we start snatching points?)
Is the Big Joker the biggest joker drawing or the one that says “Garunteed” on the bottom?
and thats just a few. Which leads me to ask, “What are the rules everytime I sit down to a game.
@ESQuared,
Yes. I definitely agree with the Big Joker question, especially since, in essence, the BIG Joker is the BIG Joker picture.
however, I have heard it rationally explained that the BIG Joker is the one with the guarantee… You can’t beat a guarantee.
It just makes calling it the Big Joker like calling Fat Basterd “Tiny” for a nickname.
And why the hell is he in a makeshift wheelchair?
@ESQuared,
these are very valid questions and should be asked. becuz ppl from different cities, regions, family trees play all kinds of ways. and there’s nothin worse than getting a game started and a nig is playin by a diff set of rules!
@Gem…BeThatAsItMay,
hmm…me thinks there should be a blog about this,
is it possible to even really play spades, if you follow errebody rules? like can it happen? and what will happen, will the cards just burst into flames? will there be a huge riot at the cookout?…hmm.
and the same could be said about uno.
@college bunni,
lmao@ the Great Uno Stampede of ’09.
You’re right tho, questions need to be asked and rules established…EARLY!
@Me fail english?, I didn’t see any of my facebook friends for two weeks when they put the UNO app on there…
@T. Troy Stewart,
LOL!
@T. Troy Stewart,
YOU THE BIG JOKER…get out of here!
lmao!!
@Blacklaw,
“Spades can get serious”
This is law. I mean, this ish was made into a bill. “I’m just a bill” type serious.
Also, hood monopoly can get serious. I saw my two cousins gets in a dice fight over the money under the free parking space. They were just straight throwin dice at each other’s eye.
@Cheekie,
*DEAD*
@Blacklaw, as a spades empresario (no lie, in May 2006, i ran TWO Boston’s in one night), my spades game is mucho viciouso.
and you do not want to play with me when i’m on my grown man-cocky b/c i’m running a table like diddy run’s NY. i will tell you the next card your about to lay down AND THEN TAKE YOUR BOOK. lol.
panama jackson gets gully at the spades table.
i just might have to write the spades law/rulebook. i’ve been toying with it anyway, but this reminded me of it.
@Panama Jackson, please add “no code talking”…unless Dana Owens is standing over your shoulder, there is no need to suddenly blurt out “Black Queen over here”.
@Blacklaw,
**BBMo peeks in, decides to leave this convo alone because there are people she STILL isn’t talking to because of their Spades whacktastic-ness**
@Blacklaw, my golden rule is to always admit, I just learned how to play SPADES about 10 years ago (which is the truth) so you might not want to play with me, however I been told I can play, go figure….
and yes I need to know the rules and what rules guidelines you are playing with, and might need you to explain them to me cause its some ish you just made up.
side note, fight the urge to play sweat inducing activities and games, unless there is some way of freshening up and continuing the bbq as planned
@Blacklaw, lol…very true. you shouldn’t be playing olympic volleyball when everybody else is playing “hit the ball if it comes near you other than that just stand there and socialize”
@Panama Jackson,
LOL the mental picture is hilarious
side side note if you are dancing at the bbq and you are sweating a whole lot, stop and let yourself cool off
Look around and make sure you are not the only one dancing that hard
This just cracked me up
@8th Wonder, me too…
@Blacklaw,
LOL! What kind of dancing do you do?
The real dancing shouldn’t start until the sun goes down and the temp drops some.
@Ivy St., I hate those dudes who want to “slow it down” so he can get his slow dance on.
9 times out of 10, there are going to be kids there, some of them yours, don’t put the parents on the spot and have them have to explain the birds and bees right then and there….
Playa, go pimp your game over in the corner or something. Don’t make the married people mad.
@T. Troy Stewart, first off, there really should be no slow dancing at a BBQ anyway. it’s not a 1960′s barnhop. danceoffs are okay…but slow dancing to H-T0wn’s “knockin’ da boots” will be frowned upon.
unless two people are just drunk enough where they decide to make a public spectacle of themselves.
because that’s what youtube is for.
@Panama Jackson, LOL at “because that’s what youtube is for.”
Indeed.
@Blacklaw,
“Look around and make sure you are not the only one dancing that hard”
Also make sure you ain’t dancing that hard to a slow jam. Stop, look, listen.
@Cheekie, can’t lie. i love watching trainwrecks who hear their song and have had too much to drink and start dancing by themselves only their hard singing turns into crying and everybody is wondernig what happened…
…only she’s drunk so she’ll tell everybody.
saw that happen last year. it was not pretty.
neither was she.
@Panama Jackson,
Yeah, it’s natural to look at trainwrecks. It’s like coded in our DNA. Tell ‘em that it’s human nature.
“Maybe it’s the southerner in me, but seriously, that’s like coming in my house and not wiping your feet on the rug. Disrespect.”
I see ya with the goodie mob!!!
“Speaking of speaking, if you do happen to decide to go to a BBQ being thrown by somebody you don’t know, don’t traipse your happy little arse into the person’s abode or pavilion and not speak to a single person except the person you know.”
I really hate this ish right here…I will call you out too. Don’t come up in my house and don’t even say hello…to me at my own dayum house.
Also, if you have kids or you bring more than a few extra folks with you to the BBQ–you shol’ better bring an extra pack of meat or a case of soda…
I ain’t playin’.
Don’t bring cheap liquor. I will send it back home with you.
Please check your siddity ways at the door. It’s a BBQ–not a state dinner.
Have fun–dance, play dominoes or something, don’t just sit there like you’re bored, you could stayed home with that ish.
@miss t-lee,
“Don’t bring cheap liquor. I will send it back home with you.”
We always just made them drink it. And they cannot have anything else. Only that piss warm chango they tried to pass off as “Something to add to the party”.
Serves em right.
@Dante_Alexander,
I may try that next time.
@Dante_Alexander,
I love you for the “Desperado” reference.
@blackberry molasses, and I you.
Obscure lines from cult classics (read, relatively BAD movies) are my specialty.
I’m waiting for the opportunity to quote “Black Spring Break” and “Black Spring Break 2″.
It’s coming…
@Dante_Alexander,
**waits patiently**
@blackberry molasses,
It’s not gonna be long… Panama will prolly come up with a topic that BEGS for the end of “Southboy, you bout to go to the IN EFF ELL. Ain’t no chick you meet gon be no lady…”
It is written…
@miss t-lee, you know what might kill you? cheap whiskey. i drank some real cheap whiskey one time and my spleen was in pain for three days.
and i only took 2 sips.
by the way, i don’t know where my spleen is. i just know i have one.
@Panama Jackson, “my spleen was in pain for three days.”
LMMFAO…. wooo
sorry… me and my people always complain about our spleens (in part because of “i don’t know where my spleen is. i just know i have one.” and that most people in a movie rupture it in an accident and have to have it removed and it seems like a big deal) and clavicles. LOL this made me laugh for a whole 22 seconds.
@Intellectual Hedonist,
Most people know about it, but I always chuckle when people mention a pancreas.
Although I can only think of one movie where they say it… And it stars Paulie Shore.
I still laugh, though.
“And it stars Paulie Shore.”
haha. I find your taste in films comical and disturbing.
*shudders*
@Me fail english?,
Encino Man was classically disturbing in a comical way.
So I guess I’ve served my purpose.
All I want to know is when is this alleged VSB BBQ????????? We’ve been hearing about it for over a year. I have yet to see a date put forth………..
@V Renee, we’re working on this. seriously. we’d like to have one this summer complete with seating chart for folks who’ve managed to get themselves put in the corner.
@Panama Jackson, can I please request that you have it before I leave… Aug 21
(Though my calender is starting to fill up as if I was on tour before I jaunt off on my around the world cruise.)
but honestly. Please and THANK YOU
@Panama Jackson,
Dont forget to give us out-of-towners plenty of notice!
@Dom,
I concur.
@Panama Jackson,
“…with seating chart for folks who’ve managed to get themselves put in the corner.”
*considers name change*
@Panama Jackson,
HAY! Why all the IGnant folk gotsta be segregated?!?! This ain’t Little Rock in 1962.
@V Renee,
I am with you Miss V. Stamp a date already!!
@V Renee,
the 33rd of Neveruary…
@blackberry molasses,
Hahahaha. That’s what I’m beginning to think.
This goes for any kind of gathering at a home, actually, but if you have animals, let guests know before they arrive.
Your rottweiler/german shepherd/pit bull is “just a puppy” and “really gentle,” I know. But dogs get spooked around a lot of people they don’t see/smell every day and act out of character.
Also, some people have allergies to dander. So if such a person leaves your home after 10 minutes because their throat’s closing/eyes are watering/can’t stop sneezing, don’t get offended because you didn’t mention your pet in the invite.
*drops mic*
@WordSmith,
If you have allergies, shouldn’t you have medication with you at all times?
@Ivy St.,
Yes, but they work best when taken in preparation for such a situation (building up in your system), and even then, they don’t work better than not being around an allergen.
@WordSmith, i broke this rule. i have a cat and didn’t tell anybody. then again, my cat wasn’t outside and everybody else was so, f*ck it.
@Panama Jackson,
This is acceptable.
PRACTICE, WE TALKING ‘BOUT PRACTICE?!?! Not a game.
My BBQ Do’s and Don’ts:
If you meet someone you enjoy talking to, you have two options. Either bring more people into the circle, or keep it moving after 5-10 minutes. No one’s looking to meet just one new person at a BBQ.
I don’t care what you do for a living. No really, I don’t. So don’t start recounting every conference call or disagreement with the boss you’ve had over the past month. I’m here to have fun, not to be your work therapist.
Also, when I’m a host, I need to work on introducing people. Nothing’s more useless than, “Hey everyone, this is Mike.” Or even worse, assuming people with similar interests/personalities will find each other. But it’s hard when you got other stuff going on.
@An Island,
“PRACTICE, WE TALKING ‘BOUT PRACTICE?!?! ”
This rant made me fall in love with AI’s ignant asz all over again. *swoons*
Whoa there partner!!!! I was with you until you mentioned that wine wasn’t on the approved list of beverages at the BBQ. It’s one of the staples of every BBQ I’ve been to since people stopped drinking wine coolers. By the way, going from wine coolers to wine is a natural progression. It’s especially natural when a friend works for one of the best and largest wine store this side of Heaven.
@Hostess,
I agree wine is a great thing to have at a BBQ. I brought wine to the last BBQ I went to and mysteriously it was the first thing to go.
@Ivy St.,
and i never got any even after i requested some! that’s the 2nd time lil missy!! DO BETTER!!
@Gem…BeThatAsItMay,
I BARELY got a cup myself. I brought it for you and Seyi to have. I called myself hiding it. Next thing I knew it was not only open, but almost gone. I just happen to catch a taaall man pouring what looked like the next to last cup. All that liquor and someone had to touch the wine. *smh*
@Hostess, like i said, i could just be uncultured. however, i also rarely order wine anywhere i go for any occasion. i don’t like wine.
that’s for you “cultured” drinkers.
seriously though, wine in red Solo cups?? that’s more ghetto than steak marinated in red kool-aid (i’ve seen this before – i used to live in a pretty questionable environment where ninjas would bbq in the entrance to our building – it didnt seem odd at that point to me).
@Panama Jackson,
They make plastic wine glasses… that are very BBQ friendly…
@Sula, Thanks!! I was thinking the same thing. OR, and this might be completely crazy, you can rent proper glasses. If that’s too much effort, you can but a bunch of those cheap IKEA glasses.
@Panama Jackson,
“steak marinated in red kool-aid ”
I am curious to know how that tastes??
@Ms. T,
I just wanna know why?
They didn’t have any Lea and Perrin’s in that jump?
Kool aid? ‘da fcuk?!
@Hostess,
I was with you until you mentioned that wine wasn’t on the approved list of beverages at the BBQ.
So was I… Wine IS the stuff of BBQs… Or maybe I’m just a winehead…
I’m in the majority of folks here in that the “Politeness and sociability” factor is the most important part of coming to a barbecue.
When I was in high school, I went to a friend of a friends home for a graduation party. My folks were the loud ghetto bunch. In retrospect, we should have all been put out, me included, just because I was with them (even though I introduced myself, didn’t eat, AND found a lonely straggler in the back)…guilt by association.
Anyway, now that sort of thing is ANCIENT history. I feel bad when I don’t bring things to a shindig (sometimes the host is overly nice and will say “nah, I don’t need anything, just bring yourself), so I’ll dip right after arriving and seeing what is REALLY needed. Some things I’ve noticed that are always in demand at a bbq:
Ice – Especially if you’ve got liquor. The beer and everything may fit in the freezer or fridge or a cooler or two, but when you make a drink, unless EVERYBODY is taking shots (also a no-no for lightweights, but peer pressure is a mug), you’ll need to have ice… and chasers. Everybody ain’t Drunk Uncle Dante, and can fill that red barbecue cup with nothing but Ice and Henny. Somebody may need some coke or juice to add to the mix. And hypntiq is not a chaser. Lush.
I went to a “persuasion” BBQ a few weeks back (I shouldn’t say that, the party was a mixed affair) and they had a game called cornhole. I’d never played before, and IMO, cornhole is NOT something you want to play… I’m just saying. Anyway, everybody seems to be wanting a piece of this game like its a Spades table. I figure “When In Rome” so I jump in. I suck at this game. Its just a friggin bean bag toss, and I can’t hit ANYTHING throing underhanded like a wuss. So I decide to heighten my blackness and shoot the beanbags like a basketball. I rock out. not only do I become the most fanciful player at the party, it creates a buzz that was subtle, yet powerful.
The moral of the story folks: bring your REAL self… You know, the one that people LIKE. If you don’t know what that one is, or are often being told to shut the FF up, this doesn’t apply to you. Its cool to fit in and all, but its a BBQ… lighten up and enjoy the hospitality of those that have ignited their flame pit and charred mammal flesh for you.
@Dante_Alexander,
You’re right…you can NEVER have too much ice. Always the first thing to run out…lol
@Dante_Alexander,
“I went to a “persuasion” BBQ ”
LMAO!
and I wouldn’t be able to stop giggling long enough to play “cornhole”. heh heh heh heh (c) Beavis
@Me fail english?,
“I am the great cornholio!!!!”
@miss t-lee,
that never gets old… NEVER.
@Naturally Alise,
Nope!!! As I mentioned the other day…my brother and I will just shout this out at random.
Grocery store, happy hour…etc…
@miss t-lee,
I want TP for my bunghole.
@Cheekie,
“Are you threatening me?”
*loud sniggling*
For you viewing pleasure…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N7MMTwIlWlU
@miss t-lee,
LMAO these were the ONLY skits in beavis and butthead that i liked. my lil bro used to do this impression so well. it’d have me in stitches
@miss t-lee,
BBMo…. dearly departed
@miss t-lee & Cheekie,
Gosh, I really, really love you guys. *sheds tears of joy*
@Gem…BeThatAsItMay
@Cheekie,
@blackberry molasses
@Me fail english
I’m glad ya’ll enjoyed it as much as I did…I laughed for 5 minutes straight earlier this morning…
@Me fail english?,
“Gosh, I really, really love you guys. *sheds tears of joy*”
The feeling is most definitely mutual. Same goes for you miss t-lee!
@Cheekie,
Awww…thanks chick!!
@miss t-lee,
Not Cornholio!!!
@Me fail english?,
When I first heard the name, I thought of Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, where the Sherrif says “Let’s go back to the station and Cornhole us a drunk.”
This did not bode well for my volunteering to try this game with a bunch of people I don’t know, especially since there seems to be a heightened latent homosexuality when a bunch of white guys gets together. nevertheless, I realized what the game was and got rather good at it after a few warm up shots. it was a beanbag free throw for me. i shoot 84%.
If you have a dog that terrorizes people either DOput him upstairs or keep the bish on a leash. No, I don’t find Murder Dog to be playful or cute and I’d appreciate if he’d stop humping my leg.
If you break my toilet, DO tell me. I’m not big on scatological humor and don’t plan on telling your biz for shets and giggles. I would, however, like to know about the plumbing problem before the bish overflows!
DON’T bring strippers/hookers or any other variety of working girl to a BBQ you did not plan. That may not the vibe your hostess was going for.
And as a flipside to P’s point, if you bring someone with you to a BBQ or any function where they don’t know anybody, please introduce them to people there. As the hostess I will feel obligated to make sure your guest is having fun and feeling welcome. (I’m a softie, sue me) If that becomes my full time job for the night, I will be tight…at you!
And for the love of Pete! CLOSE THE SLIDING DOORS! You know I’m allergic to mosquitos
@Me fail english?,
No, I don’t find Murder Dog to be playful or cute and I’d appreciate if he’d stop humping my leg.
lol wowsers!
@Me fail english?,
What if his GF dresses like a slut? Should he leave her at home?
Or should he have that talk with her like “You’re wearing THAT?” Which will, inevitably at some point in the night, turn them into the aforementioned couple that gets a couple drinks in us and gets to arguing…
Conundrum and sheet…
@Dante_Alexander,
lol. I’m a bit of a feminist so short of putting your naked baby maker on my good Target seats, there’s really no style of dress that pisses me off.
I actually had a childhood friend, turnt pimp bring hoo-ers to my family BBQ. Then he walked down the street with one cussed her out and threatened to hit her within earshot of my sister. I HIT THE EFFIN ROOF!
I’ve also gone to a superbowl party where some guest invited strippers. And no one paid the girls! haha. That’s what his dumb arse gets. Who rents strippers for the Super Bowl?
@Me fail english?,
First, EVERYONE wants strippers at a Super Bowl Party.
Second, while I’m on the subject… Do any people actually WATCH the game at one of those any more? I do, so they tend to piss me off because nobody is really paying attention, and therefore decide to walk in front of the TV or do dumb sheet around my vicinity. We’ll speak on that later.
Ummm… Might I get an invitation to your next shindig? Reality TV has nothing on that story you’ve just relayed. Did you smack him when he called you a “Skoo-way-ahh”?
@Dante_Alexander,
“Second, while I’m on the subject… Do any people actually WATCH the game at one of those any more?”
I do.
I told my peeps they couldn’t come over this year because I wanted to watch my Steelers kick arse in peace.
Last year all they did was talk…a bunch of girls who aren’t into football no less, they just wanted to come over, eat and socialize. Nope!!!
@Dante_Alexander,
lol @ skoo-way-ahh. The VSB family is always invited to my events. Even Champ!
Im with T-Lee. I’m not even a big football person but I am GLUED to the screen when the game comes on. And most of the ppl at Bowl parties I attend are the same, or at least they shut up long enough to fool us into thinking they are.
And that’s good enough for me.
@Me fail english?,
super bowl strippers hmmmmm? *takes notes*
@Dante_Alexander, i always want hoochiez at my BBQ. for one, they’re constant ice-breakers and conversation starters. nothing gives you the opportunity to introduce yourself to a new chick like a slut.
@Panama Jackson, kindred spirit and sheet.
There are two dope convos that can take place here:
a) Hello (you say to the slutty woman), let’s get some barbecue and get busy.
b) I can’t think of another one. (A) always wins.
@Dante_Alexander,
Word to Raphael De La Ghetto.
@Me fail english?,
What about cats that insist on drinking out your red cup or sitting on your lap?
@Ivy St.,
Girl, who drank out your cup?! I murda fi fun!
This reminds me of a few more don’ts:
DON’T use my house cups/cutlery/plates. We got the Chinet for a reason.
DON’T spike my effin punch. If you’re feeling like an adventurous bartender tonight, I’ll be happy to provide you with your own bowl to wreak havoc in.
@Ivy St.,
*Throat Punch*
On both accounts.
@miss t-lee, aww I missed the throat punches
**shed a nostalgic tear**
@Intellectual Hedonist,
I had to bring ‘em back…
*waving* good to see ya back girlie!
@Ivy St.,
“What about cats that insist on drinking out your red cup or sitting on your lap?”
OH NO! Don’t drink out my cup. I am a bit neurotically squeamish and I even tense up when my own family tries to drink out my cup or bite off my food. Talm bout “we family”. The eff cares? Ya’ll still got germs! It ain’t n’an chapter in a biology book that mentions family germs being immune.
@Cheekie,
I’m the saame way. cats have clean motuhs though with all the enzymes. Just make sure it’s not after litter box time.
@Cheekie,
I had to hurt my mama’s feelings explaining this. I don’t know you like that!
@Ivy St.,
I’m confused. Are you talking about grown @ss men doing that to women? If so, h3ll no. I can only see a guy pulling that off with similarly inclined guys (nttawwt).
@Ivy St.,
“What about cats that insist on drinking out your red cup or sitting on your lap?”
Was I the only person who assumed you were talking bout a feline?
lol.
@iloV.E.G.rits,
LOL! I was talking about felines!! LMAO!!!
Black folks, I tell you!
@Ivy St.,
lol. The sitting on laps part I thought about cats, but the drinking out your cup totally threw me!
@Me fail english?, My cats like sitting on people’s laps for some odd reason and drinking out of cups.
I had a spades party t my place. I stressed to EVERYONE not to leave their red cups on teh floor as my cats like to drink out of cups for some odd reason. So folks left their cups on the floor. By the end of the night quite a few folks had shared a drink with my cats and one of the cats was drunk. *smh* oh dear!
@Ivy St.,
“My cats like sitting on people’s laps for some odd reason and drinking out of cups.”
This is what makes cats so charming.
@iloV.E.G.rits,
For a minute I was confused… Like wasn’t she talking about pets?
@Sula,
I thought I was the goofy one for thinking she was talking bout a pet. lol.
my DOs and DON’Ts based on a BBQ i went to a few weeks ago…
DO NOT come to a BBQ with your SO and hosted by your SO’s friends and hit on the primary host (homeowner)!!! that is rude, disrespectful and just plain OUTTA ORDER!!!
if you spill your drink on the hosts floor DO NOT drink anything else with color. clearly you are slightly clumsy and prone to spill. so it’s not a good idea to clean up the drink you just spilled and go get something else red and stain inducing. after your 3rd spill, you need to either drink outside or drink water. period.
if you don’t know how to grill DO NOT get near the grill. keep your non-grilling, thinkin you’re cute butt away from the food prep. put down the grilling tools and go entertain the guests elsewhere.
DO NOT get your undies in a bunch over stupid ish and start pointless drama with your SO. nobody wants to see a cry baby or an uptight sourpuss– it’s sooooo middle school and this is a grown folk cookout. stop pouting, fix your face, and HAVE FUN!!
@Gem…BeThatAsItMay,
ok so these were clearly all DONTs and no DOs. *shrugs* oh well.
@Gem…BeThatAsItMay, ok, i was going to point that out lol. glad you caught it. BeThatAsItMay, the Don’ts always stand out.
@overit,
yes the DONTs do. and other things of that nature…
@Gem…BeThatAsItMay,
DO NOT come to a BBQ with your SO and hosted by your SO’s friends and hit on the primary host (homeowner)!!! that is rude, disrespectful and just plain OUTTA ORDER!!!
Hmmm… *pondering this event*
Don’t
1) Come to the BBQ talking about I only eat aunt/mama/cousin so and so’s potato salad, mac n cheese, etc. It’s free food.
2) A side hog. Please do not make a meal of one side.
3) leave with enough plates for a NFL football team
Do
1) Bring any attractive female friends with swollen backsides
2) Bring good drink. No cheap beer or liquor
@Humble_One,
“Don’t
1) Come to the BBQ talking about I only eat aunt/mama/cousin so and so’s potato salad, mac n cheese, etc. It’s free food.”
On the flipside, if I come thru and find that your cleanliness/cooking skills are not to my standards, please don’t keep insisting I try some ish. I may be saying I’m allergic just to avoid hurting your feelings. It would be rude to say “Feck no bish! IS THAT DOGMEAT?!”
@Me fail english?,
Everyday you make me laugh! LOL But this is so true! I will smile and say I ate already thanks.
@Me fail english?, if you know you having a BBQ and you a slob…CLEAN YOUR HOUSE! Hire somebody if you can’t do it…I don’t care, do something! Don’t be Boo Boo The Fool and honestly think that no one will have to use the bathroom at some point. And if you rent a Port-A-Potty, you are just opening yourself up for some dissin’
@Me fail english?, yeah you’d do best to just act like you’re not feeling good cuz if you’re at a BBQ and not eating, folks are going to wonder whats up.
better have like typhoid fever than offend the cook who’s giving you free food. even if it does taste like cardboard.
@Humble_One,
“1) Come to the BBQ talking about I only eat aunt/mama/cousin so and so’s potato salad, mac n cheese, etc. It’s free food.”
So true! If you don’t eat others potato salad, skip over it, no one needs to know why you are not eating it. And no one cares that your mama makes the best potato salad in the world!
@Humble_One,
“1) Come to the BBQ talking about I only eat aunt/mama/cousin so and so’s potato salad, mac n cheese, etc. It’s free food.””
I KNOW! Then your mama and ‘nem shoulda thrown you OWN BBQ party. And since you’re such a arsehat that disses other folks’ food at THEIR house, I bet you’ll be the only ones in attendance.
My brother came to a BBQ at a friend of ours once with bbq Turkey Spam. I can’t make negro science-fiction this fantastic up.
He was talking about “this is all I could afford” knowing good and well that was some crap he had left up in the cabinet from that time he was dating that sista who would go down to the food shelter crying broke.
Yeah, my brother was “white elephant-ing” section 8 can goods at a yard party in July. He got mad at me and called me “siddity” because I told him that he was ghetto for that move LOL.
@T. Troy Stewart,
“My brother came to a BBQ at a friend of ours once with bbq Turkey Spam”
Absolutely not.
@T. Troy Stewart,
For the purposes of this post, your brother should be ashamed.
For sheer comedic value, he has my most enthusiastic two thumbs up.
That was better than the guy who brought the bag of fruit he bought from Bow Tie Charlie at the stoplight right around the corner from the BBQ, talking about “I knew you all had liquor, I figured the ladies might like that liquor soaked fruit”… Knowing good and damm well you supposed to soak that sheet for hours beforehand…
@Dante_Alexander, LOL…he know he was wrong for that
@T. Troy Stewart, but without these people, who would we laugh at and talk about?
i love people who do retarded stuff, sincerely.
@Panama Jackson, you would love my family…don’t get me started on the reunions, we can only have them once a decade because that’s about the only time all of them aren’t on parole/in jail at the same time.
@T. Troy Stewart,
“My brother came to a BBQ at a friend of ours once with bbq Turkey Spam. ”
What…in…the…French Toast?
Does he think your last name is Connor and you have two Beckys? GTFOH with that…lol
@Cheekie,
“What…in…the…French Toast?”
Pickle you kumquat!!!!
@miss t-lee, *guffaw*
@miss t-lee,
*hugs miss t-lee*
I encourage everyone to Orbit cuss on the daily.
@Cheekie,
*what’s up head nod*
Ladies:
don’t yall have a rule, like the one about wearing white bras after Arbor Day or something that applies to y’all wearing white anything to a BBQ and then acting like Jackie O after JFK got shot when something gets spilled on it?
@T. Troy Stewart,
Arbor day?! LMAO!!!!
It’s no white before Memorial day or after Labor Day–which most people don’t adhere to anymore.
Common sense says…BBQ sauce and white–don’t go well together.
@miss t-lee, okay…that sounds familiar to the rules some of my kinfolx have about dating certain types of women…
@T. Troy Stewart,
I see you’re trying to kill me again today…lol
@T. Troy Stewart, then acting like Jackie O after JFK got shot when something gets spilled on it?…
In the name of Camelot!
@overit, y’all will not be using camelot references that make me spit out water on my computer (not that I care cause I am only working 16 more days up in this piece) . But really
“acting like Jackie O after JFK got shot when something gets spilled on it?”
TEARS are streaming down my face
@Intellectual Hedonist,
Word! I can see the slow-mo Zapruder style film of this happening in my yard
Pinot noir?? You must know my wife! lol. She’s the queen fo bringing the wine that folks can’t pronounce, when a bud will do perfectly well.
Here’s a rule. All kids under 10 must be watched by their parents at all time during the bbq. After 9pm, their parents must put them to bed so that adults can truly appreciate the festivities.
@mp1, preach! I hate those parents who bring their bad seeds to the party and then commence to act as if they don’t have any for the next 6 hours as their kids unleash heck on everything and everybody. Then the parents want to get huffy when somebody tells them to check their younguns. I will call the Silent Witness CPS line on you…
@mp1,
I like your wife… He he!
I forgot one
Do have meat other than pork on the grill.
@Humble_One,
I’ll bring the turkey burgers!
@Humble_One,
The only other meat I would have is chicken, if you don’t like it you better bring your own meat!
@Ms. T,
OMG, nothing knows how to cook a chicken breast like a BBQ grill. I’ve had the most moist chicken breast EVAH from the grill. The BBQ grill wins at life.
@Cheekie, LOL. i like that
“the bbq grill wins at life.”
good job.
@Panama Jackson,
Thanks, Panama.
*curtsies*
@Humble_One, I’m a Moooozlim and I approve this message.
halal game PROPER.
*just had coffee,help*
DO bring a friend, DON”T bring your whole crew (unless the host has asked you to bring a gaggle of guys or girls).
@Babs,
The more the merrier right?
@Ivy St.,
It ain’t merrier for folks that want a slab of meat and get burned becausesomeone’s random posse eats all the food. lol
@Babs, i’m all about gaggles of friends unless the gaggles are disproportionately unattractive.
don’t turn my BBQ into this convo:
“i aint going back to another PJ cookout. did you SEE all those wooly mammoth lookin’ heffas that were over there? i’d have rather watched The Color Purple. there wasn’t a single chick there worth talking too. in fact, Celie was the hottest chick there and she was in the TV.”
@Panama Jackson,
Please tell me you walked up to one of them and said, “You sholll is ugggglllly!”
Question for the BBQ Dee Jay:
Yes, I see you have brought your Ipod and your laptop and have them hooked up to your Harmen-Karmen speakers that you got off the open items table at Circuit City before they closed up. Bully for you, Don Corneilus.
But, why for the love of all that’s holy, does it seems that you only have about 15 songs total in your database and six of those are remixes of Single Ladies?
@T. Troy Stewart,
The bootlegger at the barbershop sold him bad CDs. He said they would play this time. Maybe thats why he was selling them 3 for 10.
@T. Troy Stewart,
LMAO @ “Bully for you, Don Cornelius.”
Priceless.
@T. Troy Stewart,
“But, why for the love of all that’s holy, does it seems that you only have about 15 songs total in your database and six of those are remixes of Single Ladies?”
This not only questions his/her validity in being a DJ, but it only makes me wonder what this mofo is doing with an iPod and 15 songs. lol Waste of GB.
@Cheekie, the last BBQ we went to, Memorial Day, the dude must have played Soldja Boy Tell’em about 10 times…I knew it was a lot, even the kid who everybody want to see dance because her young butt knows all the nasty dances (you know this kid, every party has at least one of them…it just might be yours) was tired of dancing to it. She was dragging her fass self out front to dance the last time, but I have to give the lil’ heffa respect because she twerked it.
@T. Troy Stewart, i really cannot deal with you today, lol.
@overit,
For real. T. Troy Stewart is a VSB serial killer. You’re gonna have multiple infractions…keep it up, boy.
@T. Troy Stewart,
lol! I WAS this kid.
@Me fail english?,
So was I.
My folks dug up pictures recently of me doing my “thing” on some party dancefloor at the ripe age of… 5. I told them they were lucky because with those skills, it was a 50/50 chance I would end up as a stripper….
*no wonder stripping is my secret dream job*
@Sula,
Haha, my ghetto arse family has a ton of pics of me gambling, drinking wine and doing the “Tiny Windyyyy…shake your boom boom” all by age 3.
The funny part is I was always a shy little kid til the party started. Then I’d tear the roof off that sucker!
@T. Troy Stewart, that’s why i screen all of my DJ choices quite thoroughly, especially since I’m a DJ extraoridnaire myself.
true story: back in 2006, two of my friends got married in Miami. well they had a BBQ on the Friday before the rehearsal dinner and asked me to put together the music for the BBQ. a solid 5 hour shindig. for a month, i meticulously combed over a playlist placing songs in order by BPM and mood and vibe, etc…
how about they forgot the damn CD player. there was no music that day.
except the violins playing in my heart.
@Panama Jackson,
This just made me really sad.
@Panama Jackson,
“how about they forgot the damn CD player. there was no music that day.”
*moment of silence*
Seriously, everyone’s Blackness was melting during that moment…
@Cheekie,
no music? only 2520′s can operate for long periods of socializing sans music.
everytime i ride to lunch in their car they never play the radio…what the sh*t is that?
@Carver The Great!,
“everytime i ride to lunch in their car they never play the radio…what the sh*t is that?”
The hell? So it’s just complete quietness? What kind of mutants ARE these people?
@Carver The Great!,
They prolly don’t want to feel embarassed about the Kenny Loggins and Richard Marx they were jamming to on the way to work.
@luvtheshoes,
Hmm, good point.
@Panama Jackson,
“except the violins playing in my heart.”
wow and if they played like I did when I was 8 that not only was heart breaking but ear shattering as well.
@Panama Jackson, that story was sadder than a baby coughing…
@T. Troy Stewart,
that story was sadder than a baby coughing…
Congratulations!
You are the first to get me to e-luv you and e-quit you at the same time.
Just foolish. Tempted to send you to… The Corner.
@T. Troy Stewart,
See I intended to remain alive for the VSB BBQ, but now I’ve been killed…yet again.
Another
DON’T insist on bringing some essential ish like the buns and then don’t show up til 3 hours after my ish started. Unlike most colored folks, if I say this bish is starting at 8pm, the first plate is being served by 8:02pm.
@Me fail english?,
LOL! Essential rule!
They’re gonna have folks having to do some low-carb ish and eat the burgers with lettuce. Barbequed FAIL.
@Me fail english?, that’s why assign certain people stuff. my late friends? bring ice and more liquor.
Hmm, looks like I missed a great BBQ
and many opportunity to roast folks!Some rules:
DON’T come up with the idea of having a BBQ at my mama’s crib with the nice backyard, then show up with nothing and then have the audacity to ask me or anyone else for some gas money.
DO join in any obligatory juke fests or slides. It’s the easiest way to bond without talking.
DON’T cause drama amongst the family members, especially if you ain’t part of said family. Best believe you willeth getteth jumpethed on.
DO be a carnivore. Naw, I’m just kidding, I love the veggies/vegans. DO pass your hypothetical share of meat on to me.
@Cheekie,
“DON’T cause drama amongst the family members, especially if you ain’t part of said family. Best believe you willeth getteth jumpethed on.”
you know? Why does somebody always invite “Danger Darnell” to the BBQ when you know he doesn’t play well with no one?
I don’t want to go to any of yall stuffy azz BBQ’s… When you guys come to my home for a BBQ.. Take your shoes off.. Shyt in the guest WC, eat till you can’t eat anymore, drink as much as you like, Take a dayum plate to go if you want to! You cant actually touch the music, but you can make a request.. (this usually applies to the older cupid shuffelers/bus stop/bunnyhoppers) Bring a bottle of Boone’s Farm, or don’t bring shyt. If you have a lil too much to drink, I have guest space for you to rest, or i’ll have one of my peeps bring you home. If I open my home to you, I WILL be a gracious host. There will be plenty for all, and you don’t have to worry about minding your proper p’s an q’s. It’s a BBQ… not a “dinner party”… Whats a bbq with out loud shyt talkin domino/spades/tunk/pitty-pat players, a freaky aunt that flirts with all the young stallions, at least 1 minor domestic dispute( usually from the guest u invite), an inappropriatly dressed female, and the guy that tries to holler at EVERYBODY… I want all of my guest to have a good time.. seeing my family and friends let loose and laugh is worth wayy more to me than a bottle of grey goose and a couple of shyt stains in my toilet.
@Laneianna,
“Take a dayum plate to go if you want to!”
Naw, it’s a recession.
I do agree with you, though, that the little dysfunctional part of BBQs is actually part of the fun. Especially in hindsight for roasting.
@Laneianna,
You from Detroit?
Cuz you just described all our cookouts. Except you left out the part when the kids are too young to stay up past a certain hour, when the old school jams come on (Al Green, Marvin, Etc) and we’re banished to the basement… Where we that are of middle school age decided to play Hide-ee-0h-get-ee-oh.
I always found the ones with braces. in 92? not so hot. In 02 and legal in all 50 states?
“Remember when we were in that basement…?”
@Laneianna,
AMEN!
Oh and if you DON’T eat meat, DON’T turn your nose up at the food. It is, after all, a BBQ! And YES there is pork in those beans!
Vegetarians should bring their own tofurkey burgers and not expect the host to provide.
@Babs,
what kills me about vegetarians n dem is that they decide NOT to eat meat, but eat meat-esque food.
nucca if you don’t like burgers then don’t eat burgers. period. of all the things you can eat you decide to clone the ish you don’t like, wtf!
btw, i feel the same way about l3sbians and d*ldos….
@Carver The Great!, “btw, i feel the same way about l3sbians and d*ldos….”
huh? you play left field much?
@Intellectual Hedonist,
i have no idea what you don’t get, or what playing left field means, but i’ll clarify
l3sbian = only likes girls and is not “strictly d*ckly” because that would make you bi…thus if you no likey the dills, then why play with the pickle?
@Carver The Great!, i.e. that came out of left field honey
@Carver The Great!,
There’s plenty to like about D without wanting the man attached.
@Me fail english?,
as easy it is to get the d w/ out having to really deal with us, we take that as pure disrespect.
i would gladly knock down a pair of munchers that i never had to date/talk to/spend unnecessary money with.
where do i apply for that job?
@Carver The Great!,
Initial where?!
I feel you. On both points.
@Carver The Great!, LOL at “meat-esque food”
@Carver The Great!,
btw, i feel the same way about l3sbians and d*ldos….
okay!!!–I thought I was the only one…lol
I’ve had the convo with way too many of ladies of that “persuasion”, and they still can’t give me a valid arguement.
@Carver The Great!,
We are so I2I!
I do not understand meat-esque foods nor do I understand d!ck-esque contraptions!
@Babs,
Non-Alcoholic Beer also falls into this category for me.
The only pass: If you’re truly allergic. And not like my cousin’s “I’m allergic to white liquor cuz every time I drink it I look like an asian kid with the Flush for no apparent reason other than I must have an asian Father” reasoning for drinking only Hennessey. That is a ruse and a ploy to affirm blackness.
no, I mean real allergy, like epipen type allergy.
if you can and want to , don’t say you DON’T. That only makes you a liar. if you’re gonna be insubordinate, you might as well go the whole nine yards, and not poosay out when it comes to free sheet to drink.
@Carver The Great!
“of all the things you can eat you decide to clone the ish you don’t like, wtf!”
Hilarious.
@Babs,
And if you DONT eat meat every other day of the year, keep your a** away from the ribs/burgers/and bbq chicken! People will realize that youre just being cheap the other 364…
@Dom,
I know! Turn your nose up at pork every other day except the day there are some fall off the bone ribs on the grill. Move bish!
is it wrong that i always bring tupperware to bbq’s? i keep in the trunk and wait til the end though
i still act like i’m in college and treat free food with the utmost respect
@Carver The Great!,
“is it wrong that i always bring tupperware to bbq’s?”
You sound like my brother with this ish…
*giggling*
@Carver The Great!,
you’re the kind of guest that requires me to buy extra foil, warming dishes and chinette.
**sigh**
@blackberry molasses,
how you gotta bring extra when i brought my own?
dyslexia thursdays!
@Carver The Great!,
but see… knowing how GREEDY yo azz is, I figured that I might as well be prepared to just give you a pan and kick you da h3ll out
@Carver The Great!,
oh, and no Brownies for you!!!!!!
DON’t bring +1s that don’t know how to act. This includes obnoxious drunks, cons, thieves, people with warrants, etc.
DO come to have fun. I HATE people who come to BBQs with ulterior motives. This is not speed dating! Either you come to enjoy the company and the food or don’t come at all.
DON’T volunteer to do anything food related if you know you can’t cook! If you are asked to bring a dish, go to you’re local food supplier by a prepared dish then go home and put it in a bowl to bring with you. You will get your feelings hurt when your dish is sitting alone in a corner!
In related news… DON’T touch the grill unless you are explicitly asked to do so. Food poisoning and charred meat is not the business.
DO announce your food allergies ahead of time. Nothing is more of a mood killer than someone who is gasping for air as their throat closes up and their face swells up like Rhianna!
DON’T bring your “medication” with you to somebody else’s house. Either take it before you get there or excuse yourself and go on an ice run or something.
DON”T
start the electric slide to the wrong song all early on in the cookout.
And if you start the slide,,,finish that sheet.
Don’t quit after the second chours, how lazy are you.
And if you don’t know how to do it, get in the back wit the kids and figure that sheet out.
@college bunni,
Also don’t constantly stare at my feet to decide which way to go the ENTIRE song. After a few reps, you should be able to get it.
@college bunni,
U must be a freshman in college, youthful and full of energy!… I mean… I can bus stop and electric slide with the best of them… but I don’t know too many people, outside of my Uncle Charlie (R.I.P.) who could stand one of D.J. Cap’n Charles’s master double extended compilation old school/new school Electric slide/ All the single ladies remixx, bus stop marathons! That one song can last forever! You gon mess around and catch Virtigo doing the bus stop 2 hours in a row!
BLUNTBLAZERS RULES OF THE HOUSE
1) Stay in the designated areas.- if the bbq is in the backyard/kitchen /bathroom/living room ninja dont be in my bedroom or my son’s room playin video games or lookin at my pictures/cd & dvd collections. Kick Rocks ASAP
2) Bring Drank- you can never have enuf drank I mean for real tho and if you dont bring nuthin dont get mad if I send you to the store
3) DOnt trip off wha I be doin- If we burnin gettin tacted out dont be like oh my god becky look at the size of that blunt he must be one of those rap guys.
3a) No fade no blaze- you either got five on or you dont dont try to sneak in the smoke circle we will skip over you like red n meth did that indian dude for “how High” with the shiii on his lip
4) Know where to park/act in ya car- dont block my neighbors driveways, bump ya music outside my house, you jus gonna get my function raid by tha popos.
5) If you spill it you clean it- Jus some West Coast shiii do I look like Alice the napkins/409/vacum aint hard to find
5a) If you break it you pay for it- SOme more West coast shiiii
6) have fun- dont come to my place beefin you will get the boot with the quickness
7) DOnt be the last to leave- I will neva invite you back
*unless shorty is a ten then I expect you to be waitin in my bed wearin nuthin but my raiders jersey with a bleeezy all ready rolled up.
MOST IMPORTANT
Dont do #2 in my place only #1′s and girls dont try ta sneak a squeeze one out. If you gotta do #2 I understand go home and Ill hollatcha tomeeezy.
And yes you have to sign this before you enter. And I will take it to judge joe brown if you break my rules.
@BLUNTBLAZER,
c/s all of these. Almost forgot about ppl’s nosy arses all ending up in my bedroom and ish. You ninjas don’t live here! F*** outta here!
I’m sensitive to those with restricted diets (a good friend is allergic to gluten and dairy, another is veg, and I myself don’t dine on the swine) so I will do my best to accomodate folks who GENUINELY can’t eat certain items… and aren’t persnickety about it.
But, if you don’t have any restrictions, leave the ‘special menu items’ for those who need them. Don’t go snarfing down all the Gardenburgers with soy cheez along with regular cheesburgers. Greedy azz mofos.
No shoes on the carpet. That’s what the solarium is for. Leave them there.
I don’t have too much else to add. Y’all covered it pretty well. except that at my BBQ’s, without a doubt, the partaking of herbal refreshments goes down. So here are some of my rules:
You know I got it, but PLEASE don’t expect to not contribute to the cause. Bring para, bring cash, or bring some more. If you ain’t put in, you ain’t getting none.
Please know that I will flip the grill back on… I know y’all ninjas will be hungry again. But if we’re out of food, please run to the 24 hour ACME around the corner and get some more. Thanks.
If you bring your chirrens and you plan on partaking…. DIE… slowly. Effin around like that with your grown azz is one thing… subjecting kids to it.. NO BUENO. I WILL put your azz out and tell you to take your babies home to bed.
@blackberry molasses,
“You know I got it, but PLEASE don’t expect to not contribute to the cause. Bring para, bring cash, or bring some more. If you ain’t put in, you ain’t getting none.”
Can I get a witness?!
My friends are either childless or inattentive parents so there’s never really any babies at my functions. That’s why it’s a BBQ wide cipher. Don’t think you just hoardin ish for you and your two homies. Share with the table and we’ll share back…or I’ll be forced to thrash you.
This is random, but I think the biggest trick the devil ever played was convincing the world that citronella candles really ward off mosquitoes.
@Naturally Alise,
have I told you lately, that I eLove you?
Citronella is so BOGUS. Give me Off Deep Woods. And plenty of it!! We got deer ticks ’round these parts!
@Naturally Alise,
LMAO!!!!!
I convinced that unless you’re wearing the candle…that ish ain’t gonna work.
My grandfather (RIP) built a fire in a metal drum a couple years back, and poured motor oil over it. We laughed until we cried, we thought he was crazy.
That was the only thing I remembered keeping them big arse amazon Texas ‘skitos away.
Don’t try that home kids.
@miss t-lee,
Too late.
Jimmy never had eyebrows again.
Or a hairline.
@Dante_Alexander,
“Gus… GUS! Why is the fire so big? We cooking burgers and franks, not muthaf*ckin brontosaurus burgers! Look at Charlie over there with third degree burns eating a muthaf*ckin frank!”
@blackberry molasses,
LOL “Dipped yo azz in gasoline… heh heh heh… Light yo azz on FIYAH!”
ok now that I read everyone’s responses.
When I (read my family) host a cookout there will be the following:
FOOD:
at least 60 lbs of seasoned steak, some sort of potato salad, tossed salad, various types of rice (red beans and rice, plain yellow rice, pigeon peas and rice), tortillas, red sauce for the steak aka SALSA (spicy and plain), picadillo (fresh pork rinds and radish mixed with lime juice and cilantro), home made Guacamole, and last and definitely least there might be hamburgers and hot dogs (for the kids)….
If none of this appeals to you. Stay your happy arse home, or bring a plate to share.
Music:
Spanish music of all varieties, from mariachi, marimba, salsa, merengue, bachata, to periko ripiado (sp)
WE TAKE OUR DANCING SERIOUSLY AND IT WILL START EARLY
Old School Hip Hop and R&B
Games:
@Intellectual Hedonist, sorry for the double post…. my computer was bugging… read the next one which is the complete one.
Thank you
ok now that I read everyone’s responses.
When I (read my family) host a cookout there will be the following:
FOOD:
at least 60 lbs of seasoned steak, some sort of potato salad, tossed salad, various types of rice (red beans and rice, plain yellow rice, pigeon peas and rice), tortillas, red sauce for the steak aka SALSA (spicy and plain), picadillo (fresh pork rinds and radish mixed with lime juice and cilantro), home made Guacamole, and last and definitely least there might be hamburgers and hot dogs (for the kids)….
If none of this appeals to you. Stay your happy arse home, or bring a plate to share.
Music:
Spanish music of all varieties, from mariachi, marimba, salsa, merengue, bachata, to periko ripiado (sp)
WE TAKE OUR DANCING SERIOUSLY AND IT WILL START EARLY AND GO LATE
if this is going to bother you stay your happy non cultured arse home
Old School Hip Hop and R&B
Games:
Dominoes
Spades
both will be taken seriously
Children: will be running errywhere.
Attire: from the chick (with the jealous bf at her side) wearing shorts that you know will give her a yeast infection and all her breasts hanging out with at least 5 gold chains on her neck, and one baby daddy name tated somewhere to the classy older women giving them the side eye
BRING YOUR OWN CHAIR
you know lawn furniture only comes in a set of four I aint buying extra chairs for you to sit in
last but not least the DRINK:
though my father is a 32 year recovering Alcoholic and has not drank since I was 6… we serve alcohol
Captain Morgan, Grey Goose, Hypnotiq, Heineken, Stella Artois, Corona (yes we have limes), Coronitas, Crown Royal, Heineken, VSOP, Patron, and whatever you decide to bring with you to share.
There are also jello shots that will be brought around when the DJ (yes DJ) plays a particular song, so get used to it.
I think that is all.
Come and have a good time, if you are the one that doesnt want to speak to nobody or is planning on sitting profiling in the corner.
STAY YOUR HAPPY ARSE HOME
@Intellectual Hedonist,
*writes down Intellectual Hedonist’s address*
@Intellectual Hedonist,
Now this is a party I can get with.
@Intellectual Hedonist,
“you know lawn furniture only comes in a set of four I aint buying extra chairs for you to sit in”
Lol. Cold-blooooded!
But re: children, hell yeah. Everybody winds up drunk and half yelling at the kids, half ignoring them. I don’t even notice the kids if things are going right.
@Me fail english?, yep and if you dont want no one else yelling at your children either leave before it gets unruly or keep them rug rats at home
@Intellectual Hedonist,
You had me at 60 lbs of seasoned steak, but you brought it on home with the goose.
Please say it’s in Atlanta?
@Babs, I live in RI
and for the record my going away Churasco is Aug 8…woohooo
@Intellectual Hedonist,
Damn picadillo…
I want IN.
@Dante_Alexander, fresh made at home
@Intellectual Hedonist,
I need some of that in my life. I moved up to B’More and ain’t found a good carneceria or at least a hood where I can get my “Mira, whey.. Oye mira” on just yet.
Very good post. I found the part about the wine, very funny… and only because I am a wine drinker, and I would be the one to bring some to a BBQ. Although it wouldn’t be the “cheap” kind… no Boone’s Farm over here. lol.
This is hilarious! One of my favorite posts to kick off the summer!
great article, petty about your constant bad language. now that’s rude. And common.