Category — Uncategorized

One of my favorite songs is the chart-topping Tavares song, “It Only Takes A Minute Girl”.  I love this song.  It makes me want to hug squirrels and emu.  If you’re unfamiliar with this song, you should find it quickly.  You will love it like I do.  Or you shall feel the grapes of wrath.

(I’m not actually sure if the plural for emu is emu or emus.  So just be aware that when I say emu in that second sentence, I mean more than one emu.  I’m also too lazy to look that up. )

The title of the song got me to thinking about this saying:  It takes a minute to like someone, an hour to love somebody, and a lifetime to forget someone.  Or something like that.  Removing the literal interpretation of that statement and I have a question and I get to wondering how quickly you can actually fall for somebody.

Screw that, here’s the better question, who falls “in love” faster – men or women?

Now, in my estimation, and judging by the number of relationships that I’ve been in where a woman has told me she loved me before I knew her last name, I’m inclined to think that women fall harder, better, faster, stronger.  Now this could be easily explained by the mere fact that so many women seem to be looking for love….actively.  Like standing on the side of a road with signs that say “Will Sing, Strip, and Cook for Love”.

Seriously, I saw a woman with this sign.  By the way, that last sentence is completely fabricated.  If you don’t know what fabricated means, then that first sentence is totally true.

Now what’s interesting about this observation is that most women I know are very guarded about their vulnerabilities.  This seems to fly in the face of falling so quickly.  Yet, we all know women who meet a dude and 2 hours later she’s naming their imaginary children and scribbing his name on her Palm Pilot Etch-A-Sketch.  But alas, you can’t stop your heart from feeling what it feels.

Unless its heartburn, in which case you should find an antacid.

Of course, children, this is not to say that men don’t fall hard.  I’ve been the victim of the Fastfall.  I met some chick and before I knew it I found myself mysteriously interested in a woman I’d known for all of 3 hours.  I guess you can’t argue chemistry but truth is, I’ve never worried about getting screwed over in a relationship either, so for me, falling fast isn’t so much a problem.  I don’t assume that all women are triflin’ ho*z – despite having dated two outwardly trifing ho*z.  (Seriously…one of my ex’s ACTUALLY asked me if her ex-boyfriend could spend the night with her while we were dating– not to sleep with her, but because he was in town for the weekend.  I told her “sure, while you’re at it, get pregnant too.  So she did.)  So it seems that for men, like me, who aren’t really trying to guard their emotions and all that jazz, falling hard is just one of those byproducts of a big butt and a smile.

Naw, that’s the old style.

But perhaps I’m shortsighted.  I know there are lots of other chaps out there who meet a woman and get all enamored and blindsided by some woman they barely know and get messed up in the game because they go professing their love and it becomes unrequited.  Next think you know, she’s out tricking or something and you roll by Cheesecake Factory and see her and because she’s supposed to be at her grandma’s house, where she said she’d be, you have no choice but to go in their and yank her the fu…

Um.  Never mind.

Either way, citizens, who do you thinks falls faster?  The easy money seems to be on the women, but are men just as prone to fall in 2 shakes of a lambs tale?  And if we assume that women do fall faster, what does that say about the contradiction of most women doing everything they can to not get screwed over by being guarded?

What say you?

Say you, say me.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST

P.S. I’d like to thank so many folks for signing up for the DC Happy Hour.  I’m working on setting the date for that right now.  Just need to hammer out the particulars and we’ll be shooting out some information soon.  Should be a blast though, and I’d like to say I’d buy everybody a drink, but that’d be a lie.  Cheers!

***paraphrased version of a question raised by a friend of the champ’s last week***

With the most important election of our lifetime coming up, its getting harder and harder for me to separate peoples political selves from their actual selves. I was able to compartmentalize before, but I’m so aggressively pro-Obama now that I can’t see myself even considering the idea of dating someone who wasn’t. Is this a bad that I feel this way?

–friend of the champ

you know what, i’m not even going to touch this one (yet). somewhat intelligent people of vsb.com, how would you answer her question. in regards to dating prospects and relationships, how important is politics to you?

—the champ

**CLICK ME!!!**

Yes ladies and gentlemen, today…yes today, we celebrate our 100th post!!!!

*screams and applause*

First off, we’d like to thank each and every one of you who venture to our beloved VSB.com site and also to everybody who comments here, whether you’ve commented once or a million times. Thank you a thousand times over. Without you all, we’d both have failed to live up to the legacy of Johnson and Randolph who lost their lives in 1913.

But thanks to you all, their memory lives on!

With that said, we’re also going to pass the 25,000 comment mark sometime today. And get this, neither of our mothers has left a single one. That, my friends, is an accomplishment. Just ask Hot Stylez, whose mothers are going to buy all of their albums that actually get sold.

So we’d like to do a few things here today in commemoration of our 100th post. And we’d also like to make a request or two:

1) We’d like for everybody who stops by to drop us a line and let us know where you’re from or something. Tell us something interesting about yourself. And yes this includes the long-timers because believe it or not, we plan to throw shindigs across the nation and it would help us to know where you all are. It doesn’t make any sense for us to throw that party in Butte, Montana, when nobody actually lives there…and by the way, we’re canceling that event, though the Butte Chamber of Commerce is going to be really upset. Besides…who doesn’t like to put on for their city???

For kicks…Panama puts on for Washington, DC, and The Champ puts on for the Pittsburgh aka the ‘Burgh.

2) We’d like you to go check out the t-shirt store we have opened. Now it doesn’t have all of the shirts yet, but we’re moving in the right direction, no? Check.It.Out. Buy one. Buy twelve. Our mothers? Definitely exhibiting major coppage. Be like Mike.

Also, here are the winners of the vsb.com t-shirt quote poll.

“And no you’re not overanalyzing, you’re just a woman.“—deviant

“Breed carefully people!“—the hostess

“black women are the bangingest“—the champ

“I am an asshole, and I am ok with that”—luvvie

“Smart b*tches have drama too”—goodeness

“its hard out here for an abstinent pimp“—Abcde A-Lexus

Now in real VSB form, we’d be remiss if we didn’t do something to commemorate this momentous occasion. So what we decided to do was create some awards for the people who keep us afloat by venturing to our dear VSB.com (we’re working on our alma mater right now, Ne-Yo’s writing it)…follow along…

The VSB.com 100 Post Anniversary Commentator Awards

the boris and idris memorial, to the person who consistently leaves the most panty-wetness inducing comments goes to: d*stroy, who also has the honor of being the father of the youngest vsb.com fan.

the stan award, which goes to the fan who most consistently goes above and beyond, is actually a two-way tie between ms. patterson and the wise diva, two women who, from emailing sample topics to relentlessly plugging us in their own circles, have done everything possible to allow the gospel of vsb.com to grow.

the goodeness corner award, for the most consistently outrageously entertaining comments, goes to, you guessed it, the goodeness herself…a woman who also has the distinct honor of receiving an award named after herself. good job and sh*t. 1st runner up, and probable 2009 winner: luvvie

the mike eric dyson award, for semi-coherent yet always compelling longwindedness goes to genius khan, who we’ve become convinced is either a mensa chapter president or an inmate at leavenworth

the wes mantooth award for best screenname is a three-way tie between eff yo couch, tits mcgee, and westindianarchie

the krs-one award for never missing a single hip-hop reference no matter how obscure or randomly placed in a post goes to miss t-lee who’s made panama strive to throw as much random hip-hop into posts as possible and start to name drop more songs than The Game.

the Yolanda Springer Povich award for consistently managing to ask questions and approach topics like a talk-show host who’s trying to incite a riot and simultaneously spread knowledge to the masses goes to the hostess, who always finds a way to bring some insightful and personal twist to the random f*ckery that goes down here at vsb.com

the john witherspoon in boomerang award for telling it like it is goes to Deviant, who is ALSO up for the award for the most interesting method of procuring women with the hand-on-ti**y method which to date hasn’t worked for 98 percent of all those who’ve tried it

the rico suave award for getting more than enough women hot enough to try to locate his nightclub in Washington DC so they can find out if his bark is as good as his bite…and vice versa goes to Big Buck who can also tell you exactly how to talk yourself into a nightclub, assuming you’re a hot chick

the gustav harsford award for feeling like family goes to Monk who’s been reading both of us and commenting for so long that we’re either paying him or he must be family that we feel like we know the brotha, he also managed to slaughter all opponents back in the day during the blog rap battles at panama’s site…thanks Monk

******

We’d like to once again thank you all for helping make VSB.com what we are. We do the best we can to provide interesting topics but the fact is that as much is gleaned from the comments as our actual posts themselves. As we push forward and continue to move towards the 200th and 300th post and so on and so forth we hope that you all stick along for the ride and help us continue to grow.

You know what to do in the comments (see above), and if you have any awards you want to nominate someone for, shout them out.

Also, check our ubiquitous asses out on Facebook and Myspace if you haven’t done so already. We major, come on homie, we major and sh*t.

Keep bangin’.

Thanks,

Very Smart Brothas (and Liz)

Problem: Light-Skinned Points.

Wait. I see some people wondering what I mean by light-skinned points. Let us define.

Light-skinned point(s). noun. 1) the additional attention that fairer skinned light skinned women receive over their darker-skinneded sisters whether or not their face actually warrants any attention at all. 2) the assumed increase in attractiveness laid before melanin deficient black women…whether or not their face actually warrants any attention at all.

I’ve always thought this was a funny phenomenon. I mean, even the most busted light women get a lot of attention. Whether you’re on the subway or just walking down the street, the light skinned women with a hairline that starts in Australia will get attention. Even George Benson asked for the light.

(Actually he asked for the night, but it rhymed with light. Run with it. Call me now!)

It has to be frustrating for attractive dark skinned women. And for the record, you are not attractive if the only person who has called you attractive is your mother and your reflection. You can put 9 dark-skinned fine women in a room with one light skinned Gremlin and I’d be willing to bet that most men would say that the light skinned woman was the most attractive woman in the room. And that is emblematic of the problem in the black community — we place lightskinned people on a pedestal. Well, mostly women since everybody knows that lightskinned men went out of style back in the early 90’s.

I suppose you could just make the connection that light skinned women are closer to white women, thus the black mans innate desire for white women is the culprit here. And I guess that has merit. Which would then explain the hate that a lot of light skinned women receive from other black women since black men love them some light chicks and dark chicks know that causing them to hate on their light sisters who can at times be assholes about the fact that they get a lot of love from black men. Not always, as I know some light chicks who hate the light attention as much as dark chicks do. Which is kind of interesting if you think about it. If you are a light chick who gets a lot of sweats from black men and you know that light skinned women do indeed get points, and you hate the points you get for being light skinnt so much so that you wish you didn’t get the points…how do you reconcile that? Does it stop light chicks from being proud of who they are??

It’s like intra-race reverse affirmative action.

Slavery really did a number on us didn’t it? Some of the self-hate that a lot of us are caught up in has translated into our love for the light. A lot of us hate ourselves. We hate our skin cuz its black, we hate black pepper, we hate midnight, and black ball point pens. Hell, there are some black folks reading this right now who hate what I’m saying cuz the text is showing up black. Psychologically we get so caught up in light versus dark in our community (and you better believe its still an issue) that we offer solace to light-skinned women who would in NO way ever get points if life made sense.

[***DISCLAIMER #1: I'm aware that all men don't go straight for light-skinned women. But facts and videos don't lie to us. ***]

Which brings up another point. In an ideal world, dark skinned women could be video ho*s urban models. That’s actually the saddest and funniest part of the entire debate. We always hear about all the light skinned women in videos — which just so happen to be the same videos that so many women rail against. The same videos that exploit women to the fullest are the very ones that many darker women get upset about not being able to participate in. Strange, strange world we live in.

And really, that’s what its all about, equal opportunity in my videos.

It was written.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST

This is for you Doc.

There are many underrepresented groups in America. We like to call them minorities. There are blacks, women, Asians, Latinos, gays and lesbians, puppies, rappers, crackheads, etc. These groups are usually maligned and disenfranchised by the dominant group at the time, which in this country has usually been white men.

Well there are groups that are discriminated against by not only white men, but black men, white women, black women, hell anybody actually, because of their antics and the belief that these individuals are not bringing anything to society and are actually detrimental. It’s ironic, because this group has the ability to bring change to the world and bring about unity because of the diverse nature of its makeup.

I’m talking about video ho*s.

Yes, video ho*s.

It’s amazing the hate that is spewed towards video ho*s. Here is a group of women who are merely adding color, class, and a little bit of sexiness to a video and they receive nothing but negative energy. It’s just not fair. Well, I for one, will not stand around and allow this nincompoopery to continue. It is my goal to point out the one positive that video ho*s bring to the world that could make this a better world for you and me. Yes, they can heal the world. Even make it a better place…for you and for me.

Yes, that’s what video ho*s can do.

First, I apologize for any ill will I’ve given to the video ho*s. You make me smile and I intend to purge myself of all of the ignorance I’ve thrown your direction.

Being as I watch a lot of videos, I realize that some of these women are being exploited, but most of them just want to be there, sharing their beauty and dancing skills with the world. These women, these valiant purveyors of aesthetic voyeurism, are providing the backdrop for a society enamored with entertainment and a**. We are a T&A society. They are T&A. I think we should examine how much these video ho*s, these women that we talk so horribly about, go through just to make us smile, gawk, and appreciate the aesthetic beauty that is hip-hop.

I was watching the MTVJams the other day and saw the popular 2006 video for the Back Wudz single “You’re Gonna Love Me”.

While watching this video, I started thinking about when this video came out - mostly because there is a severe disparity in the outfits that are being rocked in this video. The dudes, especially towards the end and during the night hours are all wearing…coats. The video ho*s?? They’re wearing what video ho*s wear.

Nothing.

You can see the cold breath from these dudes as they’re rapping. And yet, right there, bright as day, those video ho*s are still putting in their work because they see the greater picture here. They make it look like its 90 degrees outside, despite the fact that Dallas Austin is wearing a Gap (I only know this because I have that coat) $150 parka.

You see, what video ho*s bring to the world is an undying spirit and work ethic despite the odds. Sure its cold outside and they’ll probably have to go to the hospital to get treated for hypothermia…but there is a greater cause at hand! Making the men look like the pimps they aren’t. Video ho*s risk heights, will walk on ledges, will stand on the edge of a crane, let snakes climb all over them, just to make a video look good. That is dedication.

You see, video ho*s, the oft maligned group of women, are believers in perseverance and the greater good. They believe in the artistry of music. Video ho*s believe that without aesthetics and without determination, the world would crumble.

Video ho*s make us believe that men in these videos are sex symbols. But alas, they do them, over and over.

They show up and give light to the darkness that is a horrible song because they believe in the plight of the entertainer. And I believe in their plight, because video ho*s make it possible to believe!

That is what they bring to the world and why this group shouldn’t be discriminated against any longer. Video ho*s make me believe in myself.

What have you done to better the world lately?

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST

Right now, I’m writing this post overlooking the Pacific Ocean in a hotel room in Redondo Beach, California. What a view.

LA…stand up. By the way, I love Cali like I love women. A lot.

I came out to the West West Y’all for a wedding and that got me to thinking about things that happen at weddings. Nuptials. Drunken Happy grandparents doing the Cupid Shuffle. Wedding Cake. Dancing. Hotel parties. One night-stands.

Ah…the one night stand. The one night stand is a lost art. It really is. I think people have forgotten the nuance, subtlety, and showmanship of a proper one night stand. Now folks be brown-nosin’ these pros. I treat a one-night stand like 7-Up, I never have I never will.

I can’t be your lover.

Thing is, most of us have done it at least once. Maybe not intentionally. Maybe you intended to call her back…you just forgot. She was a one-night stand by default. Or maybe you just wanted to get you some and he was available and after you were done you wanted to repent so bad you can’t bring yourself to answer his 37 calls in 22-minutes and relegated him to, “eewww girl…not that white stuff.”

But here, we’re talking about real one-night stands. Like the kind you plan to enter on purpose.

So let’s go on ahead and just show you how to do this, son. Did you know that there’s rules to this sh*t? No? Well I wrote me a manual. Thank me kindly and love you good.

VSB Guide To The Proper One-Night Stand

1. Leave the last names at the door. The only thing last names are good for are paternity tests and finding you in the phonebook to stalk you…for a paternity test. No last name, no future problems. It’s not yours anyway. She let you hit on the first night, it could be anybody’s kid. Just keep telling yourself that.

2. Don’t wake up looking into his or her eyes. Eyes are the windows the soul and all that. Though I have to wonder…if you have terrible vision, does that mean that your eyes are like stained-glass windows to the soul? Like you can’t really see through them but you know there’s something on the other side? That’s deep. Anyway, looking into someone’s eyes will make them ask for your last name. And why do people want last names? To establish connection because they want to call you again. Stop it. Just don’t do it. In fact. Get up and leave while their sleep.

3. Hmm…don’t go to sleep. Do your duty. Please that booty. Perhaps even a Rooty Tooty Fresh ‘n Fruity. Then bounce ever so coolly. And friend, strap up so there are no oopsies.

4. Keep the conversation above board. That means that you shouldn’t be discussing your hopes and dreams with the intended target of one-night standation unless its directly necessary to procure the panties or boxer briefs. Thing is, the more talking you do and getting to “know” one another fully clothed, the less likely it will be possible to complete the Perfect One-Night Stand. We’ll have to start deducting points for execution. On some Chinese 12-year old stuff. Go USA!

5. Don’t be winin’ and dinin’ no one night stand one some full-fledged trickin’. For one, it ain’t necessary. Trust me. For b, that violates section 1512(c) of Title 69, that explicitly states: “Notwithstanding any other provision of law, any procurer of pleasure that does not otherwise intend to build a structured foundation with said procuree, there shall be no trickin’.” Hey, I didn’t make it up. I’m just the messenger. Like Nicolas Cage.

Follow these rules and you can guarantee success. And the best part is that they’re actually unisex. So get thee people. Get your jollies and tallyho. A little bit. Just a little bit in love with you.

Of course, there are more rules, and in order to fully craft the perfect one-night-stand manual, we need to ge them all. So share…share.

Why don’t you…dance?

(By the way, I think I put something like 10 random arse song references in this post. If you can name 5 and what song or artist they’re from, I’ll send you a hi-five).

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST

Due to ridiculous unusual circumstances, The Champ will not be posting today’s entry.

Neither will Panama.

Instead, you get me (Liz), the third and (almost) silent partner of this here establishment, to throw a little sumthin’ up until The Champ returns. Lucky for you, The Champ gave me marching orders on what to post for today. It’s Thursday Link of the Week afterall, how hard can it be?

For this week’s external link observation, we turn our official VSB.com magnifying glasses on the country of Russia and their, um, workplace shenanigans:

“Sexual harassment okay as it ensures humans breed, Russian judge rules”

The unnamed executive, a 22-year-old from St Petersburg, had been hoping to become only the third woman in Russia’s history to bring a successful sexual harassment action against a male employer.

She alleged she had been locked out of her office after she refused to have intimate relations with her 47-year-old boss.

…

The judge said he threw out the case not through lack of evidence but because the employer had acted gallantly rather than criminally.

“If we had no sexual harassment we would have no children,” the judge ruled.

Ladies, apparently our Russian counterparts have it rough in the workplace. No pun intended. I guess I know which country I won’t be moving to if Bush wins the presidency again.

Anyway, at this point, I’d like to play: What Would Champ Say? Or better yet, what do *you* say? I’m sure The Champ will come through later with his Official Statement. Some of you late night West Coasters (you know who you are!) get first dibs.

*****champ’s edit, 9:15am*****

three things:

1. kudos to the lizzzzard for being the vsb.com interim quarterback. i was stupidly incapacitated last night and she stepped up to the plate, and slam dunked the puck. they say that behind every good team is that one chick in the locker room who makes sure the entire team stays focused and loose, and the lizzzzard is our locker room chick, and we love her as well as all the other locker room chicks in the world

2. the article definitely does seem like something posted on theonion.com, but its too ridiculous not to be true. you couldn’t make sh*t like…

“He always demanded that female workers signalled to him with their eyes that they desperately wanted to be laid on the boardroom table as soon as he gave the word”

…up if you tried

3. with that being said, workplace sexual politics are always sticky (easily ass pun intended). as a few people mentioned above, theres a fine line between “persistent flirting” and “uncomfortable advances” and this largely depends on variables such as body language, job status, alcohol, and the relative attractiveness of the principals involved, perfectly embodied in this saturday night live skit featuring the antichrist tom brady:

*****end of champs edit*****