Category — bedside manner

pants on fire

before i start, i want to preface this by saying that i appreciate the effort. seriously, i do. i’m being completely sincere, non-patronizing, non-condescending, and non-disingenuous when i say that. kudos and sh*t for the effort.

with that being said, it greatly pains me to let many women know that their efforts have been for naught.

all those magazine articles? lies. that convo you had with your girlfriend two years ago that got you hooked to the game? she’s full of sh*t.

what am i referring to?

the kegel exercise, which results in tighter, stronger, vagina muscles during sex, is overrated.

yup. i said it.

don’t believe me? ask a guy, any random guy, to list in order the qualities that made the best gotdamn he’s ever had the best gotdamn he’s ever had, and numbers 1 through 20 will probably be one of at least 327 synonyms of the word “wet”, followed by enthusiasm and energy. “tightness” or “vaginal clenching-ness ability” would probably fall in the 25-35 range, bookmarked between “presentation” and “color”.

now, i’m not saying that we enjoy boning women with vaginal canals so cavernous that each stroke echoes twice, but having a vice-grips va-jay-jay is not the business. it, for lack of a better term, hurts dammit, and pain is usually not one of the optimum qualities straight men we associate with good sex.

anyway though, good people of vsb.com, what are some other popular misconceptions about sex that you wish to debunk?

—the champ

you’ve had it.

you had it bad.

yeah. you what i’m talking about.

whipped. sprung. gone. caught up. caught out there. stuck. hooked. thunderbolted

each word describes that same feeling, that same lustful and libidinous infatuation that gives you that same feeling down there everywhere every time you think about them. this isn’t love. not yet, at least. (although, everyones optimum long-term loving relationship does include these feelings) but it is random doodles and not so random flashbacks at work…the type of ish that’ll get you while you’re sitting at your desk, making you randomly shiver and exclaim “ooh shit!!” like someone just dropped a piece of ice down your shirt, and then nervously looking around to see if anyone noticed your aftershock.

it usually sneaks up on us. one day, you’re minding your own business, daydreaming about crocheting and pears and bowling night and sh*t and then, forty-eight hours later, your body has become a erogenous minefield, a walking, incoherently talking victim of ptfs (post-traumatic f*ck syndrome) and you’re wondering to yourself what the hell just happened and when the hell am i getting some again

thing is, although it sneaks up on us, there usually are subtle indicators that you’re on the sexual springboard, and, as a service from the champ, i’ve decided to give you 3 signs that you very well might be sprung

1. you become gilbert gottfried

i lived in a corner suite (two bedrooms separated by a common/living room type area) with three other roommates my freshman year of college, a somewhat unremarkable arrangement sans for an entertaining bi-weekly occurrence the entire second semester. you see, one of my roommates (jay) had a regular jump-off named kimmie, an extremely demure sophomore who would come through every other saturday afternoon (yes. afternoon!!!), chop it up with us in the living room for a few minutes while we were playing nba live, then head to the bedroom with jay. as you know, dormitory walls are notoriously thin, which makes afternoon sex a community affair, but this obviously didn’t phase kimmie at all.

without fail, within fifteen minutes, the barely audible moaning would began. nothing unusual there though, just your perfunctory garden variety sex moans. soon, though, the moans would then give way to the words. by “the words” i mean that when kimmie was kumming, she’d scream out some of the most bewildering, befuddling, and hilarious word combination’s known to man. from “you’re punching it papachulo” to something that sounded like “f*ckkkkk!! toaster!! f*ckkkkk!! toaster!! f*ckkkkk!! toaster!!”, she’d use horrifically awkward syntax, with word combination’s sounding similar to something you might overhear at in an esl classroom for asian toddlers with tourettes. then, afterwards, she’d come back out with us and play spades or tonk like nothing happened. in hindsight, i probably should have married kimmie.

my point is that there’s sex, good sex, very good sex, and sex that’ll have you doing and saying the most inane and unbelievable sh*t during and directly after the act. the type of sex that’ll make you jump up right afterward and iron clothes butt naked at 3 in the morning while whistling “ordinary people”. nothing you do during or directly after that time can be explained by any type of rational thought or reasoning. basically, you become gilbert gottfried

2. you schedule important sh*t around sex

“you know, even though i dont have any gas, and stopping for gas will insure i wont have any cash to buy lunch today, i need to drive to work instead of catching the bus, just to give me those extra 15 minutes i need this morning to, umm, yeah. f*ck this. i’m driving.”

these are the types of conversations you have with yourself everyday when you’re on the springboard.

3. you’re willing to overlook common sense deal-breakers

she still lives with her ma? so what. stop hating. she has the whole basement to herself anyway.

he has a different colored grill for each season? well…you can’t really tell in the dark.

her baby daddy is kimbo slice? whatever. dat bald n*gga can’t beat me

most of us have been there before, where you’re so into someone that you always find yourself making excuses for them and intentionally ignoring sh*t instead of actually wondering why you’re always making excuses and ignoring sh*t. this is easily the worse by-product of the springboard…the fact that your cognitive sense goes completely to sh*t, and, despite your intelligence, you’re prone to make more bad decisions than tavaris jackson

on a positive note, though, the antagonists in these types of situations have been the muses for some of the best music, movies, and art ever made, so maybe its not all bad.

damn. alot of memories in these paragraphs today.

i need my f*ckin toast

—the champ

slowly but surely, straight men have become american culture’s whipping boys. the scapegoats for everything that’s wrong with everything, we’re looked at as the ugly elephant in the room scratching his nuts with his forearms, reeking of axe body spray while downloading porn and drop kicking kittens like jack black in anchorman, and i’m sick and tired of it.

yeah, i know. we’re pretty much responsible for every war, the holocaust, slavery, rape, the inquisition, the murder of Christ and big l, and pink tims, but we’re not as bad as everyone makes us out to be. we’re people too, with feelings and sh*t, and we’re sick and tired of taking sh*t from everybody else.

today i will name three separate culprits. three sources of our unrelenting agony and pain. three completely unrelated ways that all contribute to our ridicule, and hopefully by recognizing these we’ll be able to make some changes.

1. SITCOMS

it’s no secret that i’m a huge fan of comedy. from arsenic and old lace to bingo long’s traveling all-stars and catch-22, i have a great appreciation for sh*t that can make people consistently laugh. this is why it pains me deep within my loins to see how thoroughly dissed males are in every sitcom. think about it, seemingly every popular sitcom revolves around the same basic premise: men are f*cking dumb as hell. unhealthy, simpleminded, and senseless nincompoops who’d be utterly useless without our hot and witty wives to balance our utter thimblebrainedness out.

now, before i continue, i want to let it be known that i’m not complaining about the hot and witty wife part. cheryl hines, and kelita smith can complain about me not taking out the garbage any day of the week with their milfy asses. i know this formula is used because nobody would watch a show revolving around an attractive guy and his witless, clumsy, and unattractive wife, but damn…throw us a f*ckin bone. would it hurt to show one of these men with a brain or a spine? would ratings really plummet if jim belushi didnt walk around with mustard stains on his chin for 23 minutes each week?

again though, please understand that i’m not complaining about the unproportionately good looking and witty women part. i want to make that as clear as possible. its not my dream to turn on cbs one day and see idris elba and niecy nash starring in “baby hair and her baby“. i’d just like a little equality here. not full, but just a little. a smigen.

2. THE TOILET SEAT

honestly, out of all the gripes women have about men, this confuses and infuriates me the most. can somebody please explain this to me? how lazy does it make a gender look when you universally complain about something which would take less than a second to rectify? plus, its been researched at harvard that leaving the toliet seat up actually improves the airflow in the room and has a positive effect on your immune system.

for those still griping about the callousness and inconsiderateness of leaving the seat up, just think of all the potentially objectionable things we do and put up with, and never complain about:

sleeping in the wet spot
eating the, ummm, you know.

***seriously, i enjoy doing it, but, you have to admit, the vagina is one of the most intimidating looking substances on the planet. imagine if you had never seen one before, and the earth was invaded by a bunch of 8 foot tall vagina monsters. you’re telling me that wouldnt scare the sh*t out of you? a bunch of drippy, stretchy, flappy, leaky, multi-colored beings that spit random red substances at their whim? spielberg or eli roth couldnt even dream of something more frightening, but we still happily partake with our tongues a blazing and necks a crampin.***

kissing after fellatio

***someone, please tell me. what is it in your minds that triggers the thought “cool, i’ve just had my mouth on his meat for the past five and a half minutes…this would be a perfect time to kiss him!!! i’m sure he’s always been curious about the relish of semen, especially his own“? please, somebody, explain this to me***

four words: pantyhose in the sink

3. YOUR WEIGHT

from this point on, we will not take even a hint of blame anymore for the masochistic obsession you all have with your weight. it is finished.

of course, i know that women are judged to a different standard body-wise than we are, and i do realize that for many women, self-image/attractiveness and percieved self-worth have a direct correlation, but the only people who give a damn about a stretch mark on your boob or reserve hero worship for ultra-waifish chicks are gay men and other women. thats it. nobody else. we’re no longer to be blamed for anorexia, bulimia, siberia, rihanna, and any other eating related disease thats been invented in the past 25 years. its over.

this is a start. if these things can’t be rectified soon, we’re prepared to protest and boycott certainsh*t until our demands our met. i have a crew of n-words right behind me (insert phrase that rhymes with “go slowmo”) ready to follow my lead. be afraid, women. be very afraid.

—the champ

soon to be former mayor kilpatrick with mistress christine beatty, the patron saint of light-skinned points

i received this email a couple of weeks ago from ashley “the fireman” johnson (aka “hood bradley“), a friend of vsb.com

IS THERE A FAITHFUL POLITICIAN OUT THERE…ANYWHERE?

If we just go w/ the big scandals…we first heard about JFK and Marilyn, then Bill and Monica, most recently Elliot Spitzer and the Miami pro, now John Edwards.

(Oh, and lets not forget Thomas J. and Sally Hemmings — who started it ALL…)

What is it w/ these fellas and their inability to stay faithful. The power? The prestige? The young, fresh intern-quality @$$ just lying around D.C.?

And what is is about their wives, who be standing right next to ‘em at the “blow up ya’ spot press conference”?

Lastly…Barack. Will he fall victim too, if he assumes the throne? ‘Cause you can imagine that Michelle would box-cutter that playa.

ashley could have very easily substituted “powerful/popular man“ for “politician” in the title, and the theme would have remained the same. as reluctant as i am to admit that any particular gender has the edge in the cheating sweepstakes, history has shown us that men with elevated social status seem to be more likely to sidestep faithfulness and monogamy more than anyone else.

from the theory that the type of competitive and borderline compulsive personalities that high achieving men typically possess usually extends to the way they view the opposite sex to the fact that this same hyper-assertion and aggression is an aphrodisiac for many women, there are myraid possible reasons for this dynamic…but maybe chris rock is right. maybe we’re truly only as faithful as our options.

as much as i love to get on my ivory tower and bray about the fundamental selfishness and weakness exhibited in habitual cheating, maybe every guy (including the champ), regardless of how moral they claim to be, has a “breaking point”, a p**sy point of no return. maybe the only thing separating me from kwame kilpatrick (other than the fact that i would have at least picked a chick who didn’t look like the mulatto version of bea arthur) is that i just haven’t reached mine…yet.

honestly, i’m stumped. people of vsb.com, how would you answer ashley’s questions?

—the champ

earlier in the week, vsb.com regular muse (who’s probably riding a pyramid as we speak) forwarded me a link to an, ummm, “unique” marriage contract.

originally posted on thesmokinggun.com, this contract was devised by 33 year old iowan travis frey. titled “contract of wifely expectations“, this document was to be signed and explicitly followed by his wife (who never actually signed sh*t)

(click here for full contract)

sample gems from this insane four page manuscript:

“when we are home and alone as a family, you will be naked within 20 minutes of the kids being in bed, and sleep naked unless instructed otherwise”

“misbehavior is when you complain about what is requested or expected of you, or when you try to negotiate something other than what was requested or expected of you. if this happens you will lose 5 gbd’s (good behavior days) per incident”

“i will select your sleepwear for you, and you will find it under your bed if there is none you will be naked. during your menstrual cycle you can wear a top and panties. the top is to be no longer than to cover your buttchecks”

“you are to pose for 20 pictures per quarter, unless your quota is filled”

“by the end of the first day of each quarter, you are to choose your pet name that you want me to call you by. your choice must meet my approval, and noncompliance will be a 20 gbd loss”

complete and utter insanity notwithstanding, i think we all have some variant of a contract in our heads as we try navigate the murky shark-infested waters of courting, dating, and relationships. maybe we’re not all as crazy as mr. frey, but we all have certain rules and expectations we’d like our potential and current mates to follow.

so, occasionally intelligent and outrageously lascivious people of vsb.com, what rules (if any) would be in your contracts?

oh, and btw…what ever happened to mr. frey?

he was eventually charged with first-degree kidnapping and domestic abuse assault causing injury (as well as child pornography) and convicted of third-degree sex abuse and domestic assault. he’s currently serving 11 years, and sharing a jail cell with beanie segal.

moral of the story: maybe its not a good thing that obama won iowa.

—the champ

****edit, wednesday 12:00pm****

watch as “our favorite cp3″ plays a principle role in the first ever wnba bench clearing brawl. we couldn’t be more proud

http://youtube.com/watch?v=uhnxUbUi_nM

****end of edit****

there are a few guarantees in life, with “death”, “doritoe stains”, and “getting the roof of your mouth burned by microwaved french bread pizza” obviously being among them.

for the champ, since i’m basically a human garbage disposal when it comes to food, i can guarantee that at least two or three times a day, i will be extremely hungry. this isn’t your normal hunger, or even your grandmothers hunger, but an all-encompassing hyenaesque condition caused by the fact that my metabolism is faster than tyson gay. sh*t, at the moment I’m writing this I’m extremely hungry, and when you finally read this I will probably be extremely hungry then too.

what the champ usually looks like when he's hungry

now, if I happen to be out and about while I’m in one of these hungry spells, there’s a chance that I might happen to walk past somebody eating a whopper or one of those neat little wrap thingys from bruegger’s bagels. naturally, my first instinct when seeing that will be to snatch the food from the person’s hand, push them down, and run away eating and cackling, fulfilling my unrelenting hunger.

thing is, because i’m a human being, and i’m aware of little things like “laws” and “social mores” and “prisons” and i’ve seen shows like “Oz” that remind me of why i don’t want to go to prison, i just walk by, ignoring my natural instincts.

my point is that being a human is predicated on doing a lot of unnatural shit. wearing clothes, using toasters, buying books, watching “Girlfriends”, visiting outrageously popular weblogs co-founded by colloquial pittsburgers…basically everything we consciously do is unnatural, and it’s idiotic to compare our sexual selves to other species in the animal kingdom who lack the ability to reason on a high level.

the idea that human monogamy is wrong because its unnatural is at best misguided, and at worst dangerously imbecilic. belief in this suggests that we shouldn’t be held completely accountable for any sexual misdeed short of rape, a completely immature way of understanding our human selves.

“i cheated? so the hell what. you think tigers dont be trying to bone all the other tiger bitches in the jungle?? growl, growl, bitch. growl, growl!!!”

maybe it’s not natural for an animal to commit to just one sexual partner (and, btw, there are numerous species in the animal kingdom who practice monogamy. strangely enough, the reasons for this usually comes down to getting used to the smell of their mates shit), but a human being should know that it’s safer, healthier, and usually makes for a better environment to raise children.

now, am i suggesting that every one needs to run out and discontinue their unmonogamous ways, burning black books and putting entire 12 (wo)man rosters on waivers? hell no. (sh*t, i’m not, lol) just like college, wnba basketball, and mormon pu**y, monogamy isn’t always for everyone, and i understand that. all i’m saying is that the “monogamy is completely synthetic” argument is stupid as hell, and lazier than shaq’s mouth

now, excuse me while i forage for some grub.

—the champ

Okay. I’ll admit it. It’s true that men are typically held to a different standard in regards to the number of sexual partners we have. Because women are seen as the gatekeepers, the ones with the keys and the sexual veto power, men who are able to consistently “circumvent the system” are often highly regarded by their peers, and found to be more attractive to women. On the other hand, because women are seen as the creators of the sexual matrices, women who are “less stringent with their admissions policies and standards” are looked down upon.

To expound, men who are able to get with many women are seen in the same vein as the guy who’s able to get admitted into any university, while women whose screening processes are the exact opposite of “aggressive” and “thorough” and “logical” are seen in the same vein as community college, hence the phrase “junior college ho”‘

Admittedly, there is an inherent unfairness to this. Women are taught to suppress their sexual appetites, while men are encouraged to fulfill them. Although you can argue whether or not this way of thinking is ultimately beneficial for everyone and for the greater good of society, you can’t argue the blatant inequality in expectations.

Thing is, women aren’t the only ones held to a seemingly unfair sexual double standard. You don’t believe me? Read on:

Scenario 1: A man and a woman have been dating for a while, and have decided to take a step towards being in a committed relationship. During this time, they have a “talk”…one of those all-nighters where each party reveals a bit about themselves and their feelings and their history that the other party probably wasn’t aware of before. During this talk, the woman reveals a bit about her past…

“A decade ago, while I was still in college, a few girlfriends and I went to Cancun for spring break. We were short on cash, so we shared one room with two twin sized beds between the four of us. On one particularly wild and crazy and drunken night, while the other two roomies were still out partying, my bedmate and I decided to “experiment” with each other. It was just a one time occurrence. Sh*t, I’m not even attracted to women, and that was the first and last time I’ll ever have sex with one, but I thought that I should let you know about it before we got serious. I’d rather you hear it from me than someone else”

Now, in my very unscientific opinion, 85-90 percent of men will have some variation of one of the two following responses

1. “That’s no big deal honey. I’m sure we’ve all done stuff that we’re ashamed of. Lord knows I have”

2. “Did ya’ll make a tape???? I gotta see this tape!!! Where’s the f*cking tape??? Will you marry me????”

The other 10-15 percent might have a serious reservation or even consider it to be a deal-breaker.
Compare that to…

Scenario 2: A man and a woman have been dating for a while, and have decided to take a step towards being in a committed relationship. During this time, they have a “talk”…one of those all-nighters where each party reveals a bit about themselves and their feelings and their history that the other party probably wasn’t aware of before. During this talk, the man reveals a bit about his past…

“A few years ago while I was in college, a few frat brothers and I went to Cancun for spring break. One of the nights, when a friend and I were especially drunk and happened to be chillin in the room by ourselves watching “change of heart”, one thing led to another, and we made out and, ummmm, a few other things. It was just a one time occurrence. I’m in no way, shape, or form attracted to men, but I thought that I should let you know about it before we got serious”

Now, in my equally very unscientific opinion, 10 to 15 percent of women will have some variation of the following response…

1. “That’s no big deal honey. I’m sure we’ve all done stuff that we’re ashamed of. Lord knows I have”

…while the words coming from the mouths of the other 85-90 percent might sound something like

“Okay, I’m gonna run to the store to get some clorox wipes, plastic gloves, and ziplock bags. I expect you to be gone by the time i get back. I’d say don’t let the door hit you on the ass too hard on the way out, but your Al Reynolds ass would probably enjoy it!”

You can argue that a male homosexual act is more invasive then a female homosexual act. You can also argue that our definition of masculinity is so concretized that any act that’s perceived to be outside of that norm is immediately deemed “unmasculine”, but you can’t argue the fact that’s it’s a bit unequal. Where women are looked down upon for sheer volume, men are dismissed because of specific acts.

When you match the two “inequalities” together though, things have a way of balancing out. A self-imposed system of sexual checks and balances that ultimately work in everybody’s favor, and keeps the champ happy, which is all that really matters anyway.

—the champ