i realize most guys will call me nuts for publicly admitting this, and that there’s no bigger ego boost than getting propositioned by an attractive and sober woman.
i understand these sentiments, because i feel the exact same way, lol.
still, personal selfishness aside, i’ve always believed that women shouldn’t attempt to “bag” men, and i’ll give you four reasons why.
1. from a relationship standpoint, a woman making the first move usurps one of a mans most basic duties: to show a woman that he has enough balls to approach her
believe me, nothing takes more guts than a sincere cold, “i dig her, but i have absolutely no idea if she’s feeling me or not” approach. still, regardless of how shy or socially awkward he might be, stripping a man of this task subsequently strips a woman of one of natures inherent bitchassness filters. i mean, how the hell is he going to be able to protect you from lions and tigers and crackheads and sh*t if he wasn’t even able to muster a meek “hi” while in the meat line at giant eagle?
2. women don’t grow on us
***i spent at least 30 minutes trying to come up with a less blunt way of saying what i’m about to say. blame it on jim jones. and miss dominican republic in the miss universe pageant***
there’s no convo, cooking, or coitus invented yet that’s great enough to get a man to overlook lukewarm physical attraction to a woman. even if it had been, shaq would have stolen it already anyway.
women don’t grow on us, and there’s nothing a woman can do to “win” a guy, just lose. basically, if he wasn’t attracted enough to you to approach you first, he’ll never be attracted enough to you to do anything but close-bus you.
3. its not hot
lisa lampanelli
brigitte nielsen
an albino cockroach
the redheaded weekend barista at the crazy mocha down the street, who looks like a freckled white female version of jason whitlock.
pizza the hut
***these are the only things i could think of that are more unattractive than an perpetually thirsty and propositioning woman.***
4. it doesn’t work
i’ve been lucky enough to be around a couple dozen or so successful marriages, and i can’t name one where the man was blatantly bagged by the woman. i’m not saying it can’t happen, but like the existence of people who actually celebrate kwanzaa, i’ll believe it when i see it
now, i’m not saying women don’t have a part in this. just as it’s our job to approach if we’re interested, its their job to make themselves somewhat approachable.
smiling, eye contact, starting conversations, subtly making your relationship status clear, and responsive body language is perfectly within a women’s wheelhouse.
bagging him on the bus, making moves on your crush, and fed-exing a thong to his cubicle with a “digits, please. sexy-ass” note attached isn’t.
what say you, people of vsb? do you think a man should always instigate the approach? if so, why? if not, why not? does it even matter? why am i asking so many questions? if a barren womanist bagged a black blogger in the woods, would her roommate buy a round?
—the champ
Related posts:
- two reasons why men are “better” at friendship than women are
- lost in translation: what men usually hear when women are talking to us
- mercy, mercy, me…please?: the four cruelest things women consistently do to men
- pants on fire: 7 things we (men) like much more than you think we do…even though we’ll never admit it
- “is she cute?”: the one topic men and women never agree on…and why
{ 348 comments… read them below or add one }
i was with you until you took the low blow on kwanzaa
habari gani champ…
@moks,
I have met only one person who celebrated Kwanzaa, and she was one of those wealthy mulatto chikas who went to college and became all militant. I don’t celebrate any holidays, and it led to a hilarious blowup between us where she ended up questioning my “Blackness”. Screw you Kwanzaa! You cost me some a Guyanese swirl. Poseur ass Holiday Festival. Festivus>Kwanzaa
@Legendary Dash,
I don’t always get down with the Seinfeld, but this: “Festivus> Kwanzaa” made me snort. Really loud. lol
@Selah,
It’s time for the airing of grievances!
@Legendary Dash, I celebrate nothing so I don’t know anyone who’s down with Kwanzaa either…
@moks,
I actually wanna know who devotedly celebrates Chrismahanukwanzakah.
@Cheekie,
Growing up we celebrated Kwanzaa and Christmas. My dad is African and he couldn’t have cared less about Kwanzaa. My mother the super pro-black African American was the one that had us celebrating Kwanzaa.
@Cheekie,
I thought I was the only freak who said that.
**waves at fellow freak**
@BlackBerry Molasses,
Oh, yes, ever since I saw those commercials (I forget who…was it a phone company?) I’ve embraced the term.
@moks,
i was with you until you took the low blow on kwanzaa
if i had a dollar…
@moks,
Ick – just ick. Kwanzaa is a made up “motherland” custom. I have yet to meet one African person who recognizes it. Yes, I ended my sentence with a preposition. And?
@RedBeanzNRice w/Catfish,
Thank you. – Everyone
@RedBeanzNRice w/Catfish,
And I quote:
“My daddy says Kwanzaa is just a made up holiday for Black people who are too uppity to celebrate Christmas.” -Cindy from The Boondocks Comic Strip
@BlackBerry Molasses,
I “less than three” you. <3
“how the hell is he going to be able to protect you from lions and tigers and crackheads and sh*t if he wasn’t even able to muster a meek “hi” while in the meat line at wegmans”
I wholeheartedly agree. I live on the west coast where the guys are really passive and the women are usually the aggressive ones (at least in my experience). I still won’t approach a man. I feel that if he’s interested, then he should approach me. It’s funny talking to my boys here because they say that they’re intimidated by women and have a hard time approaching them (I’m talking about tall, built men who don’t like they’re intimidated by anything). I don’t get it.
@Leila,
That’s not just the west coast, that’s the Midwest too. We actually went out and interviewed random single men about that and they said the same thing.
While I agree with this post (in theory) it seems the only place where this would truly be applicable would be in the South where men still have the gumption to walk up to a woman without feeling like he has to take his balls off and put them in her purse to do so.
@The Lioness,
Add the east coast to that list. The DMV has a good amount of men who will approach.
@Lil’T,
Really? Many of the women I know in the DMV have experienced the opposite. Especially in comparison to the guys in B-more up the hwy.
@The Lioness,
You ever thought that the reason why a lot of these dudes don’t step to sistas has less to do with “manhood” and more to do with “not wanting to get clowned”? Let’s not pretend that all women are acting like they will carry on a convo with anyone.
@T. Troy Stewart,
Whatever happened to go old fashioned risk taking? Why does everything have to be a sure thing anymore? Do you only apply for jobs that you are overqualified for? No. You go after the ones with the best salary & benefits. You apply to schools that you don’t have a shot in he double l in getting in to. You try anyway and hope for the best because even if there’s a 1% success rate, if you happen to be in that 1% then it’s all worth it. If you can do that in your career/education, you can do that in your dating life.
And MOST women will at least entertain a dude if he comes at her right. If she doesn’t, then she wasn’t in your 1% and you keep it moving.
if it were that simple why don’t more women pursue who they want?
simple…gals have a hard time dealing with rejection….
for us average looking dudes, well it’s a way of life….. not to mention demoralizing
@The Lioness, The South WILL still approach you…except it on the South it goes like this
Him: Ayo shawty…when you gonna sit on my face?
Me: What?
Him: Lean in so I can whisper it
Me: *Leans*
Him: When you gonna sit on my face *Sticks tongue in my ear*
Me: *Lean Back Quickly and Stare for a few seconds…then bust out laughing
Gotta love the South
@Siobhan means Woman of Wisdom,
*DIES @ the above foolishness*
@Siobhan means Woman of Wisdom,
As a woman who’s from the South, that sounds like a winner to me. LOL.
@Siobhan means Woman of Wisdom, Wow….LMFAO on that one…that is something my fellow southerns would say…SMH!!
@Siobhan means Woman of Wisdom,
I can’t even think the number of times some variation of that happened to me…it’s the South all day, and YES you must die from the madness.
I’m still trying to work out how that became a viable pick up line…even in HS.
*smh*
OMG, that “stick tongue in my ear” sh*t happened to me. I live in the DMV and I met this guy who was visiting from Texas. We had just met and he was trying to take me to a bar. When that didn’t work, he tried to take me back to his house and when that didn’t work tried to lick my ear. All this within 10 minutes of meeting me. What is that about??? Really
@Leila, The word intimidation always burns my toast. I don’t buy it. I think it’s just an excuse to get dumb women to chase them so they can sit lazily back and reap the benefits.
@Ms. Smart,
This doesn’t sound isolated at all. There has to be a reason, a cause for this lack of trying.
*Puttin on the Kevlar*
Are women themselves somehow effecting this change? Is it that dating is dead? Why date if you can get chex for cheap? I’m just sayin…
@Stank-0, You’re gonna make me pull out my MLK,Jr./Swanson Funeral Home church fan early in the week with those questions.
@Leila,
It’s funny talking to my boys here because they say that they’re intimidated by women and have a hard time approaching them
are your boys gay?
@all the girls, maybe these dudes are intimidated because they don’t have the finances that give a lot of guys courage and confidence (as they’ve had it beaten in their head that having money–and other pedigree-makers like professional degrees–is the only way the ladies will f*ck with men)
@Stuff Ghetto People Like,
No.
@Stuff Ghetto People Like,
there ya go how can mr walmart step to miss prada?
@BLUNTBLAZER,
Simple. By saying, “I find you attractive and would like to get to know you better.”
@The Lioness, whats the chances of that being sucessful
@BLUNTBLAZER,
or you can say “Would you like to see THESE balls?
@Stuff Ghetto People Like,
stop pandering… it does NOT become you.
Thanks,
Management.
@Leila,
Im in cali too and I wont approach a man either. I may do a ” flirty eye thing”..lol We have more than our fair share of bitchassed men out here. If hes a real man and interested he’ll holla..if not, press on homie..lol
of all the points you mentioned, i think your #1 hits it on the head. as much as i empathize with the struggles of approaching a woman, i still think its weak when men make it a mountain. get over it, you get to nap until an hr before the wedding, and i get to nap for an hr until i have to get ready. in short, deal.
oh, and your # 2? rude.
@overitnomore!, whatchu mean “no more”? booooooooooo!!!
@overitnomore!,
Hey I saw homegirl whose apt you took me to last week on 34th. She’s so cute! Did she tell u?
@Me fail english?, the runaway slave,
Hey I saw homegirl whose apt you took me to last week on 34th. She’s so cute! Did she tell u?
***filed under “things that lesbians probably say to each other all the time”***
@The Champ,
file deez…
…in ya mouf
@Me fail english?, the runaway slave,
*DEAD* iHate that iLove u
@Thuggie,
I accepted your Gchat and then it went bye-bye????
*needs to get up on this Gchat*
I’ve missed some FOOLISH convos because of not signing up for that thang yet. lol
Champ,
I first wanna say that men don’t grow on women either (well…not this woman. I know a few who have said “he’s kinda ugly but he likes me” or “he’s missing a tooth but I can tell him what to do” – I’ve actually heard these things said.) Those relationships have never lasted).
I also want to add that I agree with everything you said.
BUT…I think a woman can let a man know she’s interested. I have written here before about my patent-pending walk by, make eye contact, mutter “dayum” and walk away technique. That has always, always worked. I also, if with friends, will separate myself from the pack if I notice a cutie scoping me (if he’s fugly, we close in on each other).
By taking these steps, I let him him know that he won’t be immediately rejected or laughed at when he comes over. Closing the deal is up to him.
@V.E.G.,
Co-sign. Wholeheartedly. You said what I wanted to say but didn’t feel like typing out. lol
@Selah,
A woman letting a guy know that she’s interested, I think, is the best thing a woman can do. Guys still love a little chase..it gives us the impression that hopefully she’s not THAT easy as to where she has been around the block or smutted out by every Tom, Dick, and June Bug and ‘nem. In my experience, I have very rarely approached a woman until I had some type of inclination that I wouldn’t be shot down and rejected. I’m not throwing up half court shots when the lane is open for a lay up.
@Monk,
I’m not throwing up half court shots when the lane is open for a lay up.
lol, true, but you gotta be suspicious if the hoop is only four feet high
@The Champ,
lmao lololol its too early
@The Champ,
Really this doesn’t make any sense. How is the woman supposed to know that the guy isn’t “easy” himself? What if it’s a guy that approaches every woman in the hopes of reducing things down to a numbers game.
Perhaps it’s just me, but I only date women I’m actually interested in. If 100 women that don’t fit that category approach me, I would go home and figure out what I’m wearing.
@Monk,
True..true. Men are hunters by nature. Let a brotha know you interested without being too aggressive. Me personally..if I know I got u from jump street, that’s just gonna put me in “fallback” mode automatically and make me feel like I’m not pressed to close tha deal. Think about it as tha carrot on tha stick routine ladies. Put it out and let us know it’s there and let us chase. But don’t keep it out there too long cause eventually I expect 2 bite….
@V.E.G.,
Okay the seperating from the pack is a man move. You just supposed to look @ him in the eye from across the room like twice and touch yourself above the neck line. yeah
@V.E.G., BUUUUUUULLLLLLSHEEET. Men grow on women allll the time. If not for this little glitch in the woman’s matrix, half of us would never have had a chance. Our ability to overcome initial lukewarmness or even complete dislike is the only reason the human species hasn’t died off and been replaced at the top of the food chain by bears.Bears are bigger than us, stronger than us, and a much more handsome species in general. It is they who should rule the earth. But because for millenia, man has been able to talk, romance, lie, charm, and cajole women into liking them, we remain the top of the heap. I can’t tell you how many women told me they initially didn’t like me who I went on to sleep with. Women ARE much more succeptible to being sold on a man than vice versa, and thank Jeevus for that.
@Brandon St. Randy,
“Bears are bigger than us, stronger than us, and a much more handsome species in general. It is they who should rule the earth.”
LOL!!!! This sounds like some shet from South Park.
And I gotta agree with VEG. Physical attraction NEVER changes for me. In fact, I’ve dated some VERY, VERY physically attractive guys and they always look less attractive as time moves on. Then I see another chick drooling over dude, so I’m reminded I got a stunner. Heh, heh…
But that aside, I can friend zone (read: dead zone) a dude within mere seconds of making his acquaintance.
@Me fail english?, the runaway slave,
And I gotta agree with VEG. Physical attraction NEVER changes for me. In fact, I’ve dated some VERY, VERY physically attractive guys and they always look less attractive as time moves on. Then I see another chick drooling over dude, so I’m reminded I got a stunner. Heh, heh…
what brandon is trying to say is that most women can grow to like a guy that she’s not immediately physically attracted to. the physical attraction might not change, but everything else does, which makes them more sexually attractive.
we can’t.
@The Champ,
“most women can grow to like a guy that she’s not immediately physically attracted to”
Me fail and I are not among these women. Sue us.
@v.e.g.,
sue deez
@The Champ,
Thanks VEG. I thought that was clear in my post. And further, I’d argue that “most” women prob arent like that either. You’re not really growing on a woman just cause she hasnt left yet.
Maybe women are just more likely to go through the motions with someone that’s good-on-paper and that they can tolerate cause they dont wanna be alone or pay their own bills. I dont know too many of my girls that genuinely started liking some lame/busted dude, though I do know some that “surrendered”
@Me fail english?, the runaway slave ,
“You’re not really growing on a woman just cause she hasnt left yet.”
lol. Good way to put it.
@The Champ,
I guess what I’m trying to understand is why would someone date someone whom they don’t find attractive?
@kamakula,
“I guess what I’m trying to understand is why would someone date someone whom they don’t find attractive?”
That’s what I wanna know. The physical attraction, to me, differentiates that cool guy you like to hang with as “dateable” as opposed to “friendable”.
@Cheekie,
Exactly. Champ must be referring to the gold diggers and chicks to lazy to find a man they like.
@Brandon St. Randy,
Bears are bigger than us, stronger than us, and a much more handsome species in general. It is they who should rule the earth
lol, i actually have something coming this week along these lines and sh*t.
@The Champ,
I can wait ’til this post. Cuz I can’t imagine what you’d possibly have in store. lol
A post about handsome bears? A post about bears taking over the dating world? I’m so curious…
@V.E.G., CO-SIGN!
Accept I will proclaim that he has a nice ass…or some other attribute…because that’s just how I roll.
ugh.
@Miss Patterson,
Lol.
@Miss Patterson,
Reply of the year
@Miss Patterson,
I loved how this summed up an opinion better than any our tomes. It’s so simple, yet complex.
@Miss Patterson,
my bad. i didn’t think anyone would smell that
@Miss Patterson,
This… was poignant. Kudos
Thank u for writing this. Now I can just post a link to this whenever this comes up in the blogosphere. It will mean I won’t have to write it…again.
@Ms. Smart,
no problem and sh*t, ms smart. any time
what if you sort of bump into eachother in a field of buttercups in his backyard and exchange phone numbers and start talking about the clouds and the children. and what if at the end of this conversation, the dude says “hey, what are you getting into tonight? and then what if you say “nothing” and then he says “let’s exchange numbers”, but it’s pointless because you’re flight leaves real early the next day and you live 3,000 miles away. but, it’s cool because you end up doing the long distance thang, visit eachother, and eventually move to the same city. THEN whose fault is it if he turns out to be an inattentive, socially inept, LSD, text-only, mute, retard?
p.s.- i’m moving to utopia.
@Miss Matterson,
Miss Patterson is that you?!
@Miss Matterson, Then y’all moved without really knowing each other. *sigh* Sorry.
@Miss Matterson,
Okay easy on the girl pron.
This weekend I had some Voodoo Grand Met 10.5 % alcohol by volume, delicious.
I’m going to have to agree with this post. Maybe its just me, but the guys that I make the first move with all seem to be homotional clings that I end up dropping because of their femininity.
Cased closed. No further arguments needed. At least in my book.
@chaoticdiva,
homotional:
adj., a.)displaying b*tcha$$ness or punk-like tendencies. b.)skinny jeans.
@Ms. Hall,
why some yungster in red skinny jeans with a red mohawk tried ta mug me cause he was walkin in the middle of the street wit his ipod and i honked tha horn so he would move cause he cant hear shi. i was thinkin ninja i aint scare of you you cant even fit a 22 in them nuthuggers u aint gangsta
@BLUNTBLAZER,
LOL. I hate the mohawk. Almost as much as I hate sunshades in da club. Why are the parents allowing the young’ns to get this foolishness? I would allow my child to get a face tattoo before that mess.
@chaoticdiva,
Homotional = classic…I love you and the example you used. Like Eazy-E said in the “we want Eazy” video when asked why he wears his pants like that…easy access baby. I don’t condone the county jail sag, but I will take a Sag over a tight pants wearing p***y.
Bond.
@BlkBond,
I wish there was a ‘like’ button on this site.
I would use it all over your comment.
@BlkBond,
LMAO! the propaganda against skinny jeans on males must cease at once!
@postmodern pwnage,
Skinny jeans caused me to disown an entire generation. Where does the wang go when you rock skinny jeans? And why would a person buy jeans that skinny to sag them? Questions…
@Legendary Dash,
I passed a group of boys this morning waiting at the bus stop, and they all were sagging with their skinny jeans. When will the madness stop?!!!!
@Legendary Dash,
skinny jeans are 249.5% gay.
moving on..
@postmodern pwnage,
It’s not propaganda, simply the truth. I will also co-sign Dash–an entire generation of homotional, bromance-having, socially-inept, lames. Ugh. A bunch of fun boys dancing and twittering each other all day with loud a** clothes on. Disgusting. Only one thing is good about this…the amount of women b/w 18-25 me and my guys get to have our way with, because the guys their age are busy dancing & facebooking each other…LOL, thanks.
Bond. BlkBond.
@BlkBond,
I just googled “bromance”. What would compel a manly man to use such a word.
@BlkBond,
It’s one of the newer and PC ways to say something instead of using another term to describe these relationships. This was added to the lexicon some time ago. I have hella 2520 friends,classmates, former co-workers, etc. (shrugs).
Bond.
@BlkBond,
LMAO. I wanna make your whole comment my status update on twitter. Too bad I don’t twitter.
@postmodern pwnage,
love you but… umm….
SADDOWN.
How in heaven’s name are you attracted to a man whose jeans are tighter than yours? Just HOW?!?!?!
@postmodern pwnage,
Is it propoganda or is there clearly a movement??? Basically, they’re like mini-metrosexuals but worse, cuz they’re lookin almost asexual. Throw in the sunshine yellow, neon pink & lime green and they’re now elevated to homosexual. Or so it seems…Jus sayin’.
@postmodern pwnage, There is an ignored upside of skinny jeans. Tight things around man parts discourage sperm from being sperm. With continued use of skinny jeans, these men won’t be able to reproduce.
@Ms. Smart,
These fun boys don’t care, it’s not like they’re having chex with anyone…lol.
Bond. BlkBond.
@postmodern pwnage,
“LMAO! the propaganda against skinny jeans on males must cease at once!”
U must be a male skinny jeans-connoisseur. o_O Yes, I’m judging you
@postmodern pwnage, Skinny jeans aren’t a big deal…the day-glo style is amusing. I was in England when that REALLY got started in Europe around 02 so America is just late (as usual with fashion).
With that said…I watched that “You’re a Jerk” video…those jeans are STRETCH LOL…if they weren’t they would have split in TWO! It’s HILARIOUS!
@chaoticdiva,
See, you shoulda gotten a copyright on homotional cuz I’m d@mn sure adding it to my colloquialism collection…
You are a Meanie for the Kwanzaa diss. I hope KwanzaaKlaus doesn’t bring you sh¤t on December 26th!
I can see and respect your point. But as a woman sort of getting my feet wet again in this whole dating thing I see things differently.
Things have changed as far as roles in relationships and dating. To me people [men] just don’t try that hard anymore. There used to be something kind of nice and innocent about dating but now there is a lot of work involved. I know in most places we out number you all so it is doing the work! Maybe a woman approaching a man is her just trying to make something happen? This is one I have to think longer on because on the one hand we are told that we are to be these strong independent women yet we can’t approach a dude who aint got the stones to approach us? Or he knows that he possibly has more options? I thank you for your honest blog but it just left me confrustrated.
@Yaa,
Yeah I wish I could disagree here too. But as a woman who used to “bag” dudes, I gotta agree they never wind up being what I wanted. But on the other hand, I’ve run into dudes that bagged me and still wound up being bishes. Damned if u do, damned if u don’t.
@Yaa,
“This is one I have to think longer on because on the one hand we are told that we are to be these strong independent women yet we can’t approach a dude who aint got the stones to approach us”
do you want to be with a guy without the stones to approach you?
@The Champ, Never thought about it like that. I guess if my personality is strong enough to make the first move then I’d get bored easily w/him huh? Damn you Champ and your thought provoking blogs!!!!!
I agree with this. I tend to think that–along with the whole “how can the man kill lions to protect you if he can’t even approach you?” idea–the man who gets bagged by the woman will have an inflated sense of importance. and the relationship will be all skewed and shifty. i mean, both parties should be into each other reciprically and all that, but the fact is that one person is going to like the other one a lil’ bit more. and that someone should be the man.
i do, however, think it’s okay to help bring the man home when you know he’s interested and you are too. i’ve been known to up the touching and accidental rub against’s to give the guy confidence if i know what he’s trying to get around to.
@charli skipper,
“but the fact is that one person is going to like the other one a lil’ bit more. and that someone should be the man.”
Why?
@Monk,
“but the fact is that one person is going to like the other one a lil’ bit more. and that someone should be the man.”
you know, a part of me recoiled when initially reading that, but i think there’s some truth to that statement. while the relationship shouldn’t stay that way, in the beginning, its probably best that a man has a bit more interest in the woman than vice versa.
like i said in number 2, we can make up the difference, but a woman never can.
@Monk,
Because I da*n said so.
@charli skipper,
But, seriously, men have been known to turn into huge d-bags when they suddenly realize, “oh! you haven’t grown on me. after 5 years, i just discovered that i don’t want to be with you anymore.” women usually try to break their lack of feelings for a guy to him easily, to spare him. but men are just like, “you’re old b*tch, i’m done!”
for security purposes, a woman should not be tryin to pursue a man that she is more into than vice versa. because one day he’s going to grow a pair, think he can do better, and break her world down.
@charli skipper,
Now this has never been my experience in bag-a-man-world. I’m the woman goddamnit! Past the initial # exchange I go back to playing my old school gender role and dude can get with it or get lost. And funny enough, I’ve never had any problems in this regard. The dudes I bagged always knew to take over. In fact, some of em got extra aggressive once bagged cuz they assumed I was more into them than I was. I asked for your phone # fool. Not to have yo’ babies!
There is absolutely nothing wrong with a woman approaching a man. If you want something or someone, go get it. Just don’t do it Jamaican style. *Generalization alert* Yardies tend to go in too hard and because of that I don’t fux wit em. Approaching works well with me because I am fairly self-absorbed and my attention must be earned. I am also one of the rare type of guys who can have a woman grow on me, provided she caters to my ego.
@Legendary Dash,
This…damn, homie (SMH). I will give you credit for honesty. I can’t have a woman ‘grow’ on me. I have a habit of taking advantage of the ones that allow me to; not even in the ‘good’ sense of taking advantage, but in that…”make a video in your parents room with your cousin” type of way. I think it best to keep that low self-esteem type away from me because I have the tendency to be on some James Spader in “Secretary” type ish…it’s not good. For her.
Bond. BlkBond.
Bond.
@BlkBond,
Getting in a relationship with me is a war of attrition type deal. I am naturally predisposed to being a bit of a whore, it is something I am working on, and I bob and weave when it comes to commitment. The reason my friends call me Dash is because it is what I generally have done all my life post coitus.
@Legendary Dash,
I too suffer from this affliction, a work in progress as well, we simply have different prescriptions for the same problem…carry on.
Bond.
@Legendary Dash,
Getting in a relationship with me is a war of attrition type deal. I am naturally predisposed to being a bit of a whore, it is something I am working on, and I bob and weave when it comes to commitment
from what you’re saying, you didn’t grow to be more attracted to them, but to the idea of being in a relationship. two completely different things and sh*t
@BlkBond, dang! Now, let me give YOU credit for honesty. And you had to add the cousin and parents into it? lol.
@BlkBond,
BB…I do all men like that…every guy keep saying it’s because I meet lames but how is EVERY guy who approaches me or I approach becomes a lame? Highly unlikely…I am just that evil apparently.
@Legendary Dash, Oh my…LOL….while I’ve never approached a man I think I have stumbled up and gotten involved with the likes of a guy like you before… trouble trouble
Why did I want to reach for the Feminine Mystique after reading this? I got all agitated and ish; want to burn my bras and throw them into flaming trash cans (which early feminist activists did do, FYI).
I’m going to be the lone voice of dissent, so far anyway. I just don’t believe in absolutes and all these d**n rules. I don’t know, maybe you’ll approach the guy and it will work, or maybe it won’t. I think if the woman is really moved to initiate that first interaction, then go for it. It seems silly to relegate every initial contact between two people to some code/playbook/guide on how to live life. I’m sure there are successful relationships out there that started off with the woman approaching a man, just as there are failures. I don’t think it strips the man of his balls, but then again I’m not a man so what do I know. I just hope that men are more complex (not some phucking caricatures), than having to validate their masculinity by clubbing Jane over the head and drag her back to the man cave.
Your second point is just harsh. Lol. Either men are highly perceptive creatures that can detect and appreciate every nuance and intricacies of a woman’s character, personality, whatever from the onset, or they are just tools. Seriously, anything can grow on a person. Dude, fungi can grow on a person. I’m sure there is a person out there who is rather fond of whatever yeast substances is sprouting on his body, and wasn’t initially. I’m not sure where I was going with this. I just question the validity of statement #2. Then, again as previously mention I have two X chromosomes. What do I know?
@ofloveandotherdemons,
I love you.
@ofloveandotherdemons, I really like your comment… and in a different world I would be nodding my head like YEAH! I think in some cases it’s possible for some men to respond favorably to being “bagged” by a female, but thousands of years of socialization aren’t going to be rendered null in a couple generations.
@pgh muse,
Yeah, I’m raising my fist at this comment in theory, but am skeptical about it in reality…
@ofloveandotherdemons,
I still disagree with yall on the “grow on me” thing. If I dont find you physically attractive initially, you will NEVER pique my interest romantically.
But to your other point, I think the whole reason women went the Sadie Hawkins route in the first place is cuz they got tired of getting bagged by men who display all levels of bitchassness, don’t really like them or develop deeper feelings, and whatever the third reason is.
So while I cant say it ever worked for me, so far gettin bagged by dudes hasnt worked for me either (‘cept that one time
).
@Me fail english?, the runaway slave,
true i may be shallow but if my eyes dont like you it will neva work
@ofloveandotherdemons,
Then, again as previously mention I have two X chromosomes. What do I know?
lol, basically.
seriously though, the point i’m trying to make isn’t that there are concretized relationship absolutes, but that there’s a reason why certain ways are proven to be better than others.
btw, none of this…
“…every nuance and intricacies of a woman’s character, personality, whatever from the onset”
…matters if the guy isn’t initially physically attracted. thats what i mean about women not being able to grow on us.
@ofloveandotherdemons,
It seems silly to relegate every initial contact between two people to some code/playbook/guide on how to live life.
It’s VERY silly but black folks ain’t trying to hear that because we all scared. Bottom line. Somebody scared of being the one to be first to say “I love you” to hold hand, to unclench, to fart first…etc…etc…etc…
the stupid games that people play.
@ofloveandotherdemons,
Co-sign
I have approached men BUT I have made it seem like they had won me over. Kind of like a Jedi Date Trick…. It made them feel confident that they approached me even though I orchestrated the whole thing…
See I was like all into these Negroes mental mind. It was like psychology. But in reverse. (c) paraphrased Riley, from the Boondocks
@Naturally Alise,
did I ever tell you how much I e-love you?
i stan for this entire comment.
@Naturally Alise,
Props to you just for paraphrasing the Boondocks.
@Naturally Alise,
*high-fives you*
We trick men into believing all types of ish, so it makes sense that the above is possible. lol
@Naturally Alise,
dam works for me
@Naturally Alise,
If this comment was a subject, it’d be Lunch… or Gym. That is how awesome it was.
@Naturally Alise,
Oh yes…I arrange situations like that too but since it’s mind control it’s actually a Sith Manipulation.
And…I just killed the last Sith Master so the Rule of Two says I need an apprentice.
(Is my inner geek showing…*looks around*)
1. Co-sign. I think women should be more attentive to the traits and characteristics of men, this would save them alot of problems. For example, men who gossip and talk about their business and others, men who bad mouth other men to women, etc. Those are b*tch tendencies. By identifying these early, I think this could save women alot of stress, time, and foolishness.
2. Co-sign. The honorable thing would be to dismiss this women to avoid misleading her, but honestly, sometimes we are bored (laughs). When that boredom exists, it can get bad for this poor woman. See: Marquis de Sade.
3. 2 out of 3 isn’t bad. I cannot say it does not work, I do know 2 successful relationships that stem from the woman initiating the contact, etc. Though both parties are not married (yet), their relationships are successful (together over 1 yr & 3 yrs respectively).
If women want to go after men, by all means they can. It is by and large a ‘hit and miss’ chance. We hear so much from our peers/these professional women about being equals, part of me believes they should share in all the experiences (good & bad); however, the oldschool/southerner in me believes a man should be a man: initiating contact, leading conversation, asking her out, etc. It’s a toss up determined by the people involved, time, and location.
Bond. BlkBond.
@BlkBond,
We hear so much from our peers/these professional women about being equals, part of me believes they should share in all the experiences
i don’t. sharing goes both ways, and i’m cool with having to approach chicks as long as i don’t start bleeding from my wang 72 hours straight every 28 days
@The Champ,
lol, point taken. There are some women who only want that tube steak, and in that case, it works out.
Bond.
@The Champ,
I respect the fact that you clearly ain’t no fool.
Another way to make yourself more approachable, ladies: A look of readiness
in your pics on Myspace and Blackplanet while leaving out those vulgar, stank disclaimers. Them thirsty mother-effs will holla guaranteed!Also on the serious tip, be on your cell phone a LOT less in public. That is an irritation of most guys who wanna approach right up there with them hyenas girls call their friends.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with a woman approaching if she’s only out for one thang (c) Ice Cube. If she wants a husband, she’s better off letting dudes pursue her. Besides, women have proven they like it that way anyway, as they have more power in that engagement (they get to do the rejecting).
@Stuff Ghetto People Like,
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with a woman approaching if she’s only out for one thang (c) Ice Cube
which is what i usually assume when it happens
@Stuff Ghetto People Like,
cell phones: hell yea there is this one chick i work by and i wanna holla hella bad but she always on her phone must be a dude plus we work to close together and thas neva a good idea
@BLUNTBLAZER,
She’s not talking to anyone. She just knows you want to holla. lol
@charli skipper,
LMAO!
@charli skipper,
hahahaha she sure does flirt alot tho so i cant call it she works down the st but we talk/see eachother eveyday.
@Stuff Ghetto People Like,
“Also on the serious tip, be on your cell phone a LOT less in public. That is an irritation of most guys who wanna approach right up there with them hyenas girls call their friends.”
We do it on purpose. One of the very main purposes I use my cell phone is to detract from random male conversation whilst walking thru the Walmart/convenience store/courthouse. lol
@charli skipper,
I concur.
@charli skipper,
i do this all the time when i see a group of goons eyeing me in the produce aisle, or while I’m walking in the mall. basically, whenever i don’t want to bothered by some less than attractive males, who just happen to travel in packs like wolves.
@charli skipper,
LMFAO. I do this, too! Those lame/fug ninjas are relentless and a cell phone is the only thing that’ll stop some of them.
@Cheekie,
sometimes it doesn’t work, though. this guy tried to chat me up while i was on the phone. I had to yell at him “Don’t you see me on the phone!!!” d@mn persistent ninja! It’s the #1 reason I refuse to ever go to Wal-Mart for anything….
@N.I.A. naturally,
Yeah, there’s a lot of ‘em that it doesn’t stop. I mean, you gotta go extreme with some of these ninjas:
(Disclaimer: I’ve never actually participated in the below foolery)
Cheekie: *chatting on phone*
Lame: Hey Ma, what’s good?
Cheekie: *holds up finger to say hold-on* (on phone)
Girl, guess what, he just came up to me. I’ll drop by to get that turkey baster soon. Looks like I’ll need it now. Yeah, brings a whole ‘nother theme to “Who’s Your Daddy?”!! Aiight, bye.
*looks at lame sweetly* Hey, there.
Lame: *scrams*
@Cheekie,
LMAO!!
LMAO! See why I dont respect turkey basters!!
I agree!!!! I need a man with the cajones who is not afraid to claim me. It just doesn’t feel right for me to be pursuing him….. after all, if you start that way in dating, what’s next, buying him an engagement ring and proposing????
@Nicki Sunshine,
It’s a slippery slope…lol
@miss t-lee, MAN!!! lol
@miss t-lee,
and a tangled web.
@Chasdizz,
Next thing you know you’re walking around with his boys in your purse and he’s asking if he can see them.
@miss t-lee,
mmhmm. i already got enough sh*t to keep up with.
@miss t-lee,
And complicated teef.
@Thuggie Luvvie,
Pure.D.Silliness
@Nicki Sunshine, Actually, this is whole proposing thing is trying to gain traction. We can not allow this to happen. Thus far, I haven’t heard of a man accepting but I bet the skinny jeans dudes would accept if they were into women and the women were asking them. Again, we must not allow this to become socially acceptable.
@Ms. Smart, “Thus far, I haven’t heard of a man accepting but I bet the skinny jeans dudes would accept if they were into women and the women were asking them. Again, we must not allow this to become socially acceptable.”
I agree- plus it’s just dayum lazy! Might as well take his cajones and sew them onto me and we’ll trade places. LMBO. (that’s a gross thought.) “Trading Places” will not go any further than the Usher song, please and thank you.
@Ms. Smart,
I know of at least one man who accepted — Michael Jai White.
http://www.essence.com/news_entertainment/entertainment/articles/michael_jai_white_wedding
@Right Her,
Wow.
@Right Her, He is the exception to the rule. We don’t base behavior of hoping for exceptions.
@Ms. Smart, AMEN!
@Ms. Smart,
I’m pretty sure every successful couple has had some element of their relationship that was “exceptional”. That’s what makes love grand.
@Right Her,
Wow, indeed. I don’t know why, but everytime I hear his name, I think of him as that random groomsmen or usher or whatnot at the non-wedding in Madea’s Family Reunion. He was just standing there like a statue when the domestically abused sister was letting everyone know the wedding was off.
@Ms. Smart, Nah the actor from Spawn…um…Micheal Jai White…his girl proposed, he accepted, and they are married.
@Nicki Sunshine,
“after all, if you start that way in dating, what’s next, buying him an engagement ring and proposing????”
Oh gosh, perish the thought. I feel some kinda way about this. That is the ULTIMATE de-balling of a dude, IMO.
@Cheekie, LMAO @ de-balling. I love the term.
I fully agree.
…but does that “too intimidated to approach you” thing really exist, or is it just a “he´s just not that into you” cover?
And what does a girl do when she gets approached only by the kind of guy who seems like he has nothing to lose (beyond ugly, AND corny) but the every guy who you are attracted doesn´t even look your way? Settle? Rub her (my) chesticles on him in desperation? Plastic surgery in Colombia? Buy herself (myself) a dog and say to hell with dating?
please advise!
@GabbyTime, Do you flirt/ use body language with the men that you WANT to come to you?
@Nicki Sunshine,
By flirt you mean crotch-grabbing, and flicking my tongue out at him in a lizard-ish way, right? Yea, yea I do that all the time.
No but in all seriousness…sure, I do.
@GabbyTime, LOL>. Nooo, not that kind.
Oh ok.. I got you.
I hate the nothing-to-lose kind… maybe the others will be able to provide some more advice!!!!!
@Nicki Sunshine,
If he is interested, he will let it be known. Maybe his moves will be unorthodox, ie. staring you down, but he will let it be made known.
As for approaching, ladies you can do it, to jumpstart him and then slowly ease back and let him do what he’s gonna do.
@GabbyTime,
lol
@GabbyTime, I believe it is a cover. First, women started using this to justify why they are single. Second, men started using this to get women to do the approaching and thus be in constant campaign mode.
@GabbyTime,
How do you look? Sounds shallow, but this may be a determining factor.
@Monk,
Like Bea Arthur.
@GabbyTime,
HOT!
@GabbyTime,
Before or after death?
@Monk,
I look like Naomi Campbell.
After Death.
@GabbyTime,
“Like Bea Arthur”
I just cackled HARD
@GabbyTime,
“And what does a girl do when she gets approached only by the kind of guy who seems like he has nothing to lose (beyond ugly, AND corny) but the every guy who you are attracted doesn´t even look your way?”
HAHA…this is my LIFE. I mean, except that I do get attractive guys to look my way, just not to approach. I mean, sh*t, I smile and whatnot and look approachable…sometimes I’m a bit in my own world because I’m a daydream believer, but for the most part, I’m a smiley cheeky face. I mean, that obviously lures the one-tooth slack-jawed yokels my way…wtf is up with you cuties?
@Cheekie,
“I mean, except that I do get attractive guys to look my way…” read: But I´m not QUITE as much of a mess as you, negress.
haha, I´m teasing. I appreciate the solidarity. You know, I don´t know what it is with the cuties, but they wear on my nerves. When the one-tooth elmer fudd monkeys come a-hollerin, I put on my best outrage face and stammer “But..but I was in Nylon…TWICE! Now SHOO, SHOO! GO ON! Scat!”
Perhaps if I were Jet Beauty of the Week (looking up flights to Colombia for ass implant surgery). Or maybe I should give up on Ninjas altogether…?
But on a serious note: I think we should develop some kind of spray to repel these scabby men. CheekyTime Lame-Away spray…now in aerosol!
@GabbyTime,
“read: But I´m not QUITE as much of a mess as you, negress.”
LOL, yeah I just wanted to make that crystal clear. LOL, I’m playin’…I bet they’re lookin’ at you too just not approachin’. Ninjas think they sly with their ish sometimes but I’m observant like a mofo.
ROFL @ CheekyTime Lame-Away. Let’s make an informerical! Too bad, my dream promotor, Billy Mays is no longer amongst the living.
@Cheekie,
Where are you guys hanging out? Is it in places where the man cant make a quick exit if he gets rejected, like a stalled train? Or is it places where you guys may run into each other alot if all doesnt work out like work or the gym?
I feel like the two of you should come out with me. No BS – the summer b4 I met hubby, be it a club , BBQ, Beach, etc I was averaging 16 #s per day. Yep that’s right, averaging. I usually only had to bag like 2 or 3 per night.
I could make ya famous/You dont know what you’re missing/ I could change ya mind if ya listen…
@Me fail english?, the runaway slave,
“Where are you guys hanging out? Is it in places where the man cant make a quick exit if he gets rejected, like a stalled train? Or is it places where you guys may run into each other alot if all doesnt work out like work or the gym?”
This does factor in, actually. I mean, in more sociable places like the club or whatnot errbody approaches, but if I’m just walkin’ down the street in broad daylight, hot ninjas act like vampires and fug ninjas act like gnats to a lightbulb. I mean the 2s (not the 3s Panama, not the 3s) ALWAYS have the most courage with me it seems. I am NOT intimidating. Maybe my booty is? No, no, that can’t be it. It ain’t even all that. Ok, its kinda glorious, but it’s not like I got folks wondering if I have implants.
I guess in terms of my commuter cutie mentioned way below, he can switch cars and whatnot if he gets rejected (he wouldn’t)…and it’s not like we both get on at the same spot.
@Cheekie,
I’m not sure I would chance it on the train either. That could make for an awkward rest of the ride for him if he gets shot down. And the chance of him running into you one day, even with switching cars seems high.
I agree with everyone else. I’d just start making friendly convo. Actually, I’d get into general friendly mode from now on and chat up anyone who seemed friendly, just so I wouldnt feel as awkward once I started chatting him up. It’d just be my thing I do…plus by then I’d be good at small talk.
@me fail,
“I’m not sure I would chance it on the train either. That could make for an awkward rest of the ride for him if he gets shot down. And the chance of him running into you one day, even with switching cars seems high. ”
Yup, thought about this. And it’s very valid. Usually the people who actively try to avoid end up bumping into you in general. lol
“I agree with everyone else. I’d just start making friendly convo. Actually, I’d get into general friendly mode from now on and chat up anyone who seemed friendly, just so I wouldnt feel as awkward once I started chatting him up. It’d just be my thing I do…plus by then I’d be good at small talk.”
Makes sense. Thanks, ya’ll.
@Cheekie,
I think most men that women would find attractive see a dimepiece he wanna holla at and think ” she probably got mo dudes chasin her than nba playa’s chase 2520 gurls ..I ain’t pressed” and proceed to let you walk on by. It’s tha 3′s and scallywags that ain’t got nuthin to lose..no real ego to get in tha way. If they get rejected, no biggie..he expected 2 crap out. If you bite then he just rolled a lucky seven. They playin with house money now. It’s really fasinating 2 watch…
@Tx10inch,
Yup, very valid point.
@Cheekie,
“because I’m a daydream believer”
But are you a homecoming queen?
@Thuggie Luvvie,
In my mind, yes. lol
Love you for the added lyric.
@GabbyTime,
I fully agree.
…but does that “too intimidated to approach you” thing really exist?
no.
but, if you want more guys to approach you, you have three options
1. be more approachable
2. be more attractive
3. be more naked
@The Champ,
“3. be more naked”
How naked, because don’t be trying get folks arrested and/or fired from their job(s)*, Champ.
*the exception of course is if your job description involves being naked, then you’d probably get a raise.
@The Champ,
1. Any more approachable and I´d be a Wal-Mart greeter.
2. I´m a beaut.
3. American Apparel, here I COME!
“fed-exing a thong to his cubicle with a “digits, please. sexy-ass” note attached isn’t.”
*giggling loudly*
@miss t-lee,
isnt a loud giggle an oxymoron?
@The Champ,
Yep.
It’s Monday…lol
@The Champ,
“isnt a loud giggle an oxymoron?”
You never met my baby cousin. Because how do you explain a squeal-like laugh that also happens to be loud. Giggle seems like a goofy laugh to me, so that’s what I call it. lol
I agree. My cousin and I had this conversation. He said no matter how shy a guy maybe, it is in his nature to seek what he wants. He said being a man, it is their basic instinct to hunt what they want.
Our job as women is to give them signs that we are open to their advancements. So long as we continue to give them signals that we welcome their actions, then we are doing our job. Essentially, the work is up to the man.
But I see nothing wrong with Fed-exing a thong to him once we are in a relationship. Not that I would do that or anything.
@pe. riche.,
Can’t you just send it via slingshot or Messenger pigeon? In these TETs even FedEx is kinda expensive… Just tryina help VSSs be more cost effective
@Happy Meal,
Look! Take a pic and email that jawn or txt it to him.
That would make Monday go by really fast. Anticipating gettin it in when I get home.
@pe. riche.,
I think the reason I’m skeptical of this theory is because I dont see getting numbers as “work”. The work starts during courtship. Not on my way back to the car from the club. And if dude forgets that just cuz I happened to get the number first, that’s (been) an easy problem to correct. At least in my experience it has been.
@pe. riche.,
Our job as women is to give them signs that we are open to their advancements. So long as we continue to give them signals that we welcome their actions, then we are doing our job. Essentially, the work is up to the man.
x_Tx10inch______________
This statement has been co-signed accordingly.
“how the hell is he going to be able to protect you from lions and tigers and crackheads and sh*t …”
Yup, cuz I’m afraid of all those things getting too close. Well, maybe not the crackheads, cuz they be havin’ good deals sometimes…
P.S. Oooooh, Black Jee-sus gon’ get you for sayin’ sumthin bad bout Kwanzaa. Don’t nobody betta say nuthin bad bout Kwanzaa!
@bittersweet’s baby,
Black Jee-sus gon’ get you for sayin’ sumthin bad bout Kwanzaa.
earl “the pearl” monroe celebrates kwanzaa?
I agree, and I observe Kwanzaa… lightening musta struck someone somewhere today.
Happy Monday.
@pgh muse,
lightening musta struck someone somewhere today
yeah. it struck the festivus pole in my living room.
I agree with this entire post.
I have tried in the past to initiate things with men, and it NEVER worked out. Either they always felt strange because I was the one who approached, or they got comfortable thinking that it was my job to guide the relationship along, seeing as how I’m the one who started it anyway.
Miss me with that ish.
As a more mature 8th, I believe a man should be a man. Men are predators, they are initiators, they are conquerers. And if the man I’m smiling at from across the room doesn’t come to me, I can only assume he’s just not that into me and move on. There are no excuses for being shy, and blah blah bleh. Men go after what they want, period. The question is, do you believe you’re worth going after?
Holla.
@8th Wonder,
A slow clap for this whole comment.
@8th Wonder,
Couldn’t agree more.
@8th Wonder,
Men are predators, they are initiators, they are conquerers
you know, this was the original url for verysmartbrothas.com until liz starting hatin
@The Champ,
lol
champ are we doing this again? For the record for the second time I just celebrated my 9th anniversary and my wife and I have been together for 13 years. Our best married couple friends have together for 10 years. The ladies initiated both
@Jaybilal, Is it possible that those situations are the EXCEPTION to the rule? Have you ever seen, He’s Just Not Into You? The one point that I think people can take from that movie is that operating on the general rule is the way to go. Hoping for the exception just doesn’t make good sense. Being open to being the exception is good but expecting it…not so much.
@Ms. Smart, sure there is a chance its an exception to the rule but I don’t think it is. I had this debate with a female co worker years before and actually we agreed it was best for the woman to approach. She approached her boyfriend of 5 years as well
@Jaybilal, BOYFRIEND of five years huh? And she considered that a success…having a BOYFRIEND for five years. Please say she was 26 or younger.
@Jaybilal,
champ are we doing this again?
yup.
@Jaybilal,
Here, here! And to your point, a dude I bagged in Sept. 2007 just texted me this morning to see how I’m doing and if I wanted to go out to celebrate our birthdays. He’s actually a pretty good friend to me now. And though it didn’t work out for a rel’ship, it’s not for the reasons listed above like he wouldn’t pay for dates or ask me out and shet. And we’ve never done anything remotely sexual.
As for me I’m one of those conquerers that just want to skip the flirting and bullsht altogehter. Im more of an instant gratification type of guy. Too lazy to speak, but always down to freak. Approached me, because if I spend my time talking and you don’t in the legendary words of 50 Cent “get in my car”, I will surely be pissed.
I usually do the talk to girls through over friends ethod you skip all the predating who-blah(ms).
@The Hallway,
***filed under “things cam’ron would say if he logged onto vsb”***
@The Champ,
Cam’ron is the only hip hop artist that shut Bill O’Reiley down on his on show.
My job blocked VSB
But for some reason I was able to get on today. Yaayyy!!
I need a definition of pursue. By women pursuing do you mean they flat out ask you out on a date/ask for phone numbers?? Yeah not so much.
But if you mean pursue as in make the guy think it was his idea to approach you (i.e. strategically placing yourself in his vicinity, catching an eye and smiling), then that’s okay.
@V Renee,
But if you mean pursue as in make the guy think it was his idea to approach you (i.e. strategically placing yourself in his vicinity, catching an eye and smiling), then that’s okay.
there’s nothing wrong with this. in fact, the angry asian chick who lives in my basement does that to me on a daily basis
@V Renee,
“My job blocked VSB”
*throat punches V Renee’s job*
Ain’t that cruel, though? That’s happened to me at another blog, then all of a sudden after a span of weeks, I was able to get on again.
@Cheekie,
Thank you for throat punching them. Ha! Much appreciated!
As I stated to someone’s comment, relationships that work where the woman was the pursuer are the exception, not the rule. I think there are some people who this will work for. Men who don’t want to approach and women who like taking a more obvious control in situations. Where I’m more likely to have a lingering glance, they’re more likely to
club a man over the headstep to him FIRST.Just had brief IM discussion with a real life friend. He said that while it’s nice to know a woman is hot for them, most men find the women they WANT aren’t the ones stepping to them. It’s always the ones they don’t want.
@Ms. Smart,
“He said that while it’s nice to know a woman is hot for them, most men find the women they WANT aren’t the ones stepping to them. It’s always the ones they don’t want”
Cant this also be said of women tho?
@Me fail english?, the runaway slave,
Good point.
@Me fail english?, the runaway slave,
It can. It most definitely can be said.
@Me fail english?, the runaway slave, Not for me. Typically I am approached by the very men I like. I’m a magnet for them. They all have certain basic personality traits. AND if you add that at least 50% of them are Kappas, half of them looks similar. LOL
@Ms. Smart,
I think you’re an exception here then. While the men I like approach me, they are far outnumbered by the street urchins with bad hairlines, beer bellies and the like. I think most women who live in large cities, esp. if they commute by train have this problem as well.
@Me fail english?, the runaway slave,
*nods unfortunately*
@Me fail english?, the runaway slave, I don’t go to places that aren’t populated by men who I’d want. I even live in a neighborhood full of that type of dude. If I go to the Target, it’s full of THAT kind of dude. When I go to events with my friends, they are filled with that kind of dude. The only time I might get approached by someone who isn’t my kind of dude is when I go down to the hood to get my hair ‘did’. LOL
Having said all that, I recognize I have it good.
@Ms Smart,
“I don’t go to places that aren’t populated by men who I’d want. ”
But, a lot of it is from just simply walking down the street and as me fail pointed out public transportation. Just doing the daily commute in a big city leaves you susceptible to like 60% (or more) of the flirting (unwanted or wanted) you encounter alone.
@Cheekie,
Same with me. Sometimes, ya just gotta get your car washed. And while I may meet one cute guy at the car wash, there’s four more waiting for him to leave so they can pounce. Maybe she just lives in a better looking city.
@Ms. Smart,
Your name is fitting, you play the statistics, this is typically what men do. I only venture to events where I KNOW I will be among 8′s, 9′s, and dimes for dating.
I only go to places where lower digits frequent when I need quick fix or disposable.
Bond.
I disagree with this. I don’t see why a woman should sit back and wait. If you see a dudes you like go talk to him. Is there something I’m not seeing when a woman approaches a man? If she approaches a man and they exchange numbers then he is wuss? If he approaches her then he is automatically an alpha male/tarzan/conan the barbarian/Shaka Zulu? This makes no sense to me at all. So a woman just BREAKING THE ICE puts her at a disadvantage? Maybe I’m not old school enough but I will treat a woman that approaches me no different than a woman I approach. It’s one thing if a woman tries to talk to you like you are a woman. No man would like that. And of course most women will agree with the man always approaching because they don’t have to put in any work. They also don’t have to deal with the downsides of always having to come out their comfort zone and put themselves out there just to get rejected. Most women that support this idea don’t have the stomach for that.
@Humble_One,
“So a woman just BREAKING THE ICE puts her at a disadvantage?”
This is what I’m tryin’ to get at. Breaking the ice is different than asking for the digits. Or does Champie consider them the same?
@Cheekie,
I think that is two different things…lol
@Humble_One,
Well, nobody is saying the woman has to sit back and wait. There is nothing wrong with showing a man subtle signs that you are interested and that he won’t be utterly embarassed if he comes to you and tries to talk. Smiling, saying hello, even a simple, “this party is pretty cool, don’t you think?” are ways to initatiate a holla.
But flat out approaching a man, telling him you’re interested in him and you want his number…nah, not gonna happen.
@8th Wonder,
Smiling, saying hello, even a simple, “this party is pretty cool, don’t you think?”
How is a man suppose to differentiate b/w this and a woman just making friendly small talk?
@Humble_One,
Its all in the body language, I assure you.
And sadly, women rarely initiate small talk with men they have no interest in.
@Humble_One,
I wholeheartedly disagree.
I would love to be able to pick and choose. I have tried and it backfired. It makes me so pissed, but that´s what it is.
Believe me, putting all that energy into flirting and come hithering is ROUGH….we make you THINK you´re doing all the work, but you´re not. Subtlety is exhausting.
IMO, the bottom line is that it´s unfair and retarded beyond belief that we have to wait to be chosen. It´s like picking dodgeball teams. When you feel like you are consistently the only one not getting chosen, it makes you feel low and not want to even bother anymore. But, there´s really not much of an alternative.
In my social experiences, I´m damned if I initiate things because men only feign interest for a hot minute; and I´m damned if I don´t, because honestly, I have probably been approached by a desirable man perhaps thrice in the last 365 days. It makes me question myself and my own beauty, which makes me appear more unattractive to the opposite sex, which makes less men willing to approach me, which….you see where this is going?
I say all that to convey that no, I do NOT prefer this passive approach because I am sexually frustrated (casual sex isn´t appealing to me), and perpetually single (25 years, 2 boyfriends, a total of 1 year between the two. I´m. Not. Kidding). But it´s passive or passed over. Fuck Monday.
@GabbyTime,
lol. Word. F*ck Monday. I still dont get what the problem is with bagging either. Most dudes who ask YOU for your number dont wanna put in work (beyond a slap and tickle) for the rel’ship either so what the hell’s the diff.
I cant do the passive aggressive “bait” thing either, cuz any man dumb enough to not know I’m throwin myself at him is fcukin dumb. And I’ll lose respect for him instantly. Expect this man to be extra chummy with all the office sluts and “platonic” female friends that like to sit on his lap too. Obliviousness/naivete is NOT manly or attractive.
@GabbyTime,
IMO, the bottom line is that it´s unfair and retarded beyond belief that we have to wait to be chosen. It´s like picking dodgeball teams. When you feel like you are consistently the only one not getting chosen, it makes you feel low and not want to even bother anymore. But, there´s really not much of an alternative
This is why I don’t understand why some women limit themselves to only men that approach them. A lot of times men may not put forth the effort because he may have watched you shoot dudes down left and right all night. Or you give a vibe that you may turn him down when he talks to you. It seems that women appreciate the kamikaze dudes. These are the dudes that will holla at you anytime. Good mood, bad mood, no matter if you look mean, or aren’t paying him any attention.
@Humble_One,
And the funny thing is that women actually cant stand these dudes! If he’s cute they’ll be feeling him initially. But once they realize his cute just did that same ish with 50 other broads…not so much.
@Me fail english?, the runaway slave,
See..now I’m confused, cause once all signs point 2 “go” i’m going in 4 tha kill. But that’s the same ish tha leave a man wondering if he should approach or not simply cause he ain’t sure if you just THAT very friendly with everybody or just me. I work with a chick like this and intially the friendly convo and giggles and ish is kinda nice. You thinkin “yeah she feelin me” and then you come to find out that’s just her personality. hell..she touchin an huggin on customers and ish. wtf? Ladies, if you just a friendly person what are DEF/unmistakeable signs that you are into somebody?
@Tx10inch,
As someone who’s been accused of “flirting” with men, women, children, old folks, gerbils and everything in between I have no idea what the surefire signs are. I
say just observe her, assume you’re the one and if your calls are actually getting returned and she actually makes and KEEPS her plans with you it’s real. No way to know until yall really start hangin out tho.
@Humble_One,
hell yea cause there was this chick at the tree store on sat and she was helllllllllllllla fine and she was smilin (at me ?)like she won the super bowl. I try to sneak a hint and said “dam your so distracting how much money did i give you?”. i didnt wanna put myself all out there and start mackin cause there are 2 otha fine chicks and if you get at one you lose out on all of um but dam if she said wuz up (id jump her bones/give her my #). but i need my tree store so kept it movin. How does a ninja kno when to go all in vrs fold and wait for the next deal.
@BLUNTBLAZER,
Next time you see her in the tree store, I say bag her. As long as you not losin out on the other chicks for a chick that aint want you, you’re good money. But that doesnt sound like the case since she was all grinning at you.
Besides, them other two chicks might not have been feelin you anyway..
@Me fail english?, the runaway slave,
tha other 2 be grinnin hard too though maybe cause its a tree store lol but yea if i see her again ima holla. my eyeballs turned into hearts like they do on the cartoons n shiii and tha shii dont be happnin im usually billy d williams smooth but dam chick was jus askin 4 sum baby makin fluid.
@BLUNTBLAZER,
Aww, how romantic! Yeah, them otha two need to hit the “break room” or sumthin. They might be grinning cuz they know she got a lil crush on you.
@BLUNTBLAZER,
When I read this the first time I couldn’t figure out if “tree store” was a lawn and garden place, or the spot where you cop medical marijuana. When you said you need your tree store, I thought it was weed. But then I figured that some cats are really in to landscaping. Please clarify.
@Humble_One,
And of course most women will agree with the man always approaching because they don’t have to put in any work. They also don’t have to deal with the downsides of always having to come out their comfort zone and put themselves out there just to get rejected
there are certain relationship double standards both genders have to deal with, but when you add them all together, we still basically come out on top. i’d rather have to deal with the potential initial rejection than the negative sh*t they have to.
but, getting back to your initial point, its not an accident that men have done the approaching in pretty much every human culture since the beginning of recorded time. i’m not saying that other ways can’t work as much as i’m explaining why shifting the established mores decreases your chances
@The Champ,
But does it really decrease the woman’s chances? If she hollas at dudes it’s not like next time she goes out, less dudes will holla at her. Dude she bagged may be the only one who met her standards that night. Therefore she got one # instead of none
Interesting list, especially the part where if a woman approaches she would utimately “one-up” the man in terms of balls (or deez). Because I felt that way as well, only more and more men are saying they “appreciate” when a woman approaches them. Um, and ya’ll say WE’RE confusing. *furrows brow*
Anywho.
This post speaks to me because Imma ’bout to approach a guy. A train commuter. He seems like the shy type…he’s snuck a few glances at me and has indicated interest. We’ve even had the one “wow, this is somethin’ else” one-liner when we had to transfer trains. I don’t know, was that my “in”…that one thing he said to me? Was that his one way of approaching? He just glanced back at me and was like, “Man, I never experienced anything life this before” and I laughed and agreed. But since then, he’s reverted back to his shy self.
So, tell me, is the indirect approach technically an approach? Like if I complimented his suit or some ish, am I
Lorena Bobbit-ingtaking away his manhood even if I do the subtle approach and not outright ask for his digits? I mean, I’m still giving him the chance to be the one to ask me out…@Cheekie,
I say you try to hold a converstaion with him and see if he asks for your number. Sometimes women act as if their signs are so obvious when they are not. Now if you all talk repeatedly and sit next to each other and he doesnt get it then move on.
@Humble_One,
Ya know, you’re right. Thanks!
@Cheekie,
dont wear a ring on ya weddin finger either try ta see if he hasa gf? ask stupid ?’s like did your lady dress u this mornin?
@BLUNTBLAZER,
LOL @ “did your lady dress you this morning”. Love the wit, BB.
@Cheekie,
i finnally hollad at this chick and got her # and she was like why you wait so long to holla I said i thought u was married *pointed to ring on married finger* she was like dam i didnt kno guys be payin attention to details like that my grandmama gave me this. jus sayin lose grandmamama ring
@Humble_One,
I say you try to hold a converstaion with him and see if he asks for your number. Sometimes women act as if their signs are so obvious when they are not. Now if you all talk repeatedly and sit next to each other and he doesnt get it then move on.
good advice and sh*t
a woman propositioning a man, just kinda spells out desperation. The end!
@Mmeditorinchief,
Ehhh, I don’t know about all that. lol
It spells out “taking initiative” and/or “confidence”, but not so much desperation. Not in all cases at least.
@Cheekie,
I don’t know! When I think of confidence I think of a woman who has the guts to say “No I just don’t like you” vs. “Your like a brother to me and I would hate to mess up our friendship”.
But I think you might be on to something with “Taking initiative”. However I can’t promise that the results will be good!
@Mmeditorinchief,
I think this goes along with what some dude said upthread. Most chicks have no game so they come off desperate, lame and weird. There’s a way to finesse things without being thirsty. In fact, when I used to bag dudes alot of THEM wound up being the thirsty ones cause they thought I was more interested than I actually was. Then, in an effort to rope me back in or smthg they started going TOO bloodclot hard.
I support this document. It’s a very fine line women have to walk between showing signs of interest that compel a man to talk to them and losing a man’s interest because there’s no chase involved. Unfortunately, most women were raised with no game, so they’re very awkward about doing this. Two words, ladies: Eye-fu*king. It is the most effective tool in the woman’s arsenal. Use it. If a man doesn’t approach you after a steady and lustful eye-bone, he’s not interested and any attempt to talk to him will just get you doing the walk of shame out of some crappy garden apartment at some point in the future when he’s bored without so much as a $20 on the dresser “for your troubles”
@Brandon St. Randy,
Unfortunately, most women were raised with no game, so they’re very awkward about doing this.
This is true. This is also why they need to recognize that some of their signs that mean they want to talk to you aren’t as blatant as they think. A woman will have the same conversation with dude1 and dude2. But being that she is feeling dude2 he is supposed to know she wants to talk even though her manners were the same with dude1.
@Brandon St. Randy,
Can we get an addendum to this. Should you choose to “eye bone” dont get mad when all he wants to do is…
If a chick is steady eye-effing and licking her lips and ish at you, are you really thinking “Gee, I’d like to take her for a lovely dinner”?
@Me fail english?, the runaway slave,
even if she isn’t eye-effing and licking her lips, he still probably isn’t thinking about taking her out to dinner…at least not initially.
@N.I.A. naturally,
Hmm the dudes that approach me will act like it tho by time he comes over to get the number. I feel like the chick re-enacting the Vanity 6 video will get the straight “What you doin after the club?” treatment if he even speaks before she gets the “What you drinkin on?”/”I wanna take you out.”
@Brandon St. Randy,
fuq the eye bone chick need to talk spark up a convo show us you are interested we will take it from there.
@BLUNTBLAZER,
Basically thats it. But women act like that’s too much to do. You don’t have to ask him for his number. I just don’t see why it matters who breaks the ice.
@Humble_One,
its actually easier for a chick to spark up a convo cause people think guyz are light weight stalkers for tryna holla.
@Humble_One,
I think women arent as used to having to be the one to initiate small talk and thusly arent very good at it. Besides we’re so used to being approached, sometimes we think “well if he liked me, he’d be the one to start speaking.
It causes contention. Men are stereotypically the point man. We point n sthi. We see stuff coming. That’s why we taller so we can get a better vantage point for pointing. Nobody likes duplication of effort. Everybody likes job security. So good people of VSB stay in your lane and off of your mate’s toes.
@WuDaMan,
*applause*
@WuDaMan,
We supposed to impress you w/ our ability to see you. When you didn’t see us. But we hot so we come from hot people so we are something of hot aficionados. We get comfortable speaking to you cuz you hot n we like hot and want hot to stay around. This lets you feel at ease cuz we gone make it hot together because we selling the win win. & the hot will be propegated.
*motor boat face*
@WuDaMan,
Nobody likes duplication of effort. Everybody likes job security
these are tough economic times and sh*t
@The Champ,
4 sho quality over quantity. and accuracy my homies say dam dogg u got game and i say no i jus have high accuracy %.
I agree with this post in general. Me and my female friends have had several conversations about the fact that balls are not just for decoration and how we want our men to have enough balls to at least approach us. But can someone please tell me where the men with balls hang out?? Cuz it ain’t in DC. Wait let me correct that…where are the attractive men with balls…..cuz bugaboos and land trolls got balls for weeks!!!!
@klysha,
They are in NYC
@CrissieD,
Like hell. I´m on 148th right now.
@klysha,
But can someone please tell me where the men with balls hang out??
ymca locker room?
@The Champ, yeah but the village people are not interested in approaching me
@klysha,
I often hear women speak of these men who do not approach women. I just can’t believe this. I have seen instances where one guy is talking to a woman, and there are at least 2 waiting until he finishes so they can talk to her (outside the strip club! lol). Seriously, you ladies may have to start posting pictures for Approach Approval Status, because through rain, sleet, snow, typhoons, hurricanes, etc. Ninja’s are born to mack.
Bond
@BlkBond,
Like Too Short huh?
ctfu
@miss t-lee,
Just LIKE Todd Shaw, except with straight teeth and without nappy arse hair.
Bond.
@BlkBond,
*sniggling*
@BlkBond,
Ninjas will. But I’m getting from these posts it’s mostly not the ninjas they want. Most people just arent good looking to begin with. Throw in bad breath, funny hairlines and highwaters and you may be in trouble. And if you look friendly and approachable just fuhgettaboutit!
You can tell by the way some dudes on here type, that they psych themselves outta hollering at girls cuz, she’s prolly been gettin hounded all nite, she looks high maintenance, blah, blah, blah…
P.S. The strip club is a GREAT place to meet guys. Yuuuup.
@Me fail english?, the runaway slave,
I don’t think any dude with pride in his looks, game, swagga wants to get rejected by a chick he’s been watchin swat 25 dudes all night one by one. Unless he’s that confident in his mojo (which i am) or just don’t give a rat’s azz (which i don’t). For me, it’s more of a personal choice…(Do i wanna waste my time? Do i wanna blow her head up bigga than what it already is now and STILL get rejected cause she think she all dat? Do i wanna stand there find a reason to cut tha convo short if I’m not feelin her like I thought? Do i wanna see her legs up in tha air enventually?)Decisions, Decisions…
@Tx10inch,
I hear ya. But what I dont think alot of men take into account (or plain dont realize) is have you SEEN the other guys hollerin at her all nite?
Now if she’s turnin down Billy Dee an ‘em, I cant blame ya. But if it’s Stanley Burrell and his golden genie pants, you should be happy this is a woman of discriminating taste.
Dudes give each other too much credit. I suggest not watching her movements all nite and gettin yourself all nervous and shet. Spot what you want then go have fun. Get into a festivus type of mood and then itll be easier to approach her just as casually as all the rest. If she’s a rude betch about it, well then screw her.
It takes a minute of your time. And though the rejection stings it only lasts a few minutes. Should you complete your mission you probably get at least a few months of reward…
@BlkBond, Now I will agree that when once guys start hollering (given that I’m friendly to the first ones) the line generally begins to form….this may be related to the subsequent guys getting their courage juice built up from watching the other guys approach…or it could be because I’m looking extra cute that day….not sure…maybe it’s both…
Champale, for once I fully and thoroughly agree with you. I know this sounds sexist, especially coming from a woman, but…
Women should NEVER be the aggressor in a “hopeful soon-to-be relationship” meeting. MEN are the hunter/gatherers, and they only hunt and gather what they want or like. Oh, I’ve tried the dominant approach a few times at clubs, and guess what I ended up with? Nothing. But when men approached me at the club, I always ended up with breakfast after the club, and multiple phone calls telling me how bad he wanted me to have his baby. Mmmm yeah, ok negro – we BOTH know you only want to have the fun that leads up to making the baby, and we both DAMN SURE know you’re not gonna be there for the end result. Wow – I digressed, lol.
But yeah, men like what they like, and if they don’t like you, you won’t be approached. Women who do the approaching might as well just go ahead and consider themselves MEN because the ones that accept it and roll with it are easily dominated, and are nothing more than BROADS in dudes clothing. But hey, if you like it, I love it. Just sayin.
@RedBeanzNRice w/Catfish,
I’m starting to think I have a problem. Nah no I don’t. Today’s tag-name litterally made me *lick my twisted tongue up in my superior labia then out on the left upper lip* Tell me about catfish makin my nature rise…
Either love me or leave me alone…
@WuDaMan,
you, my homie, have an interesting (read: disturbing) relationship with food.
I’mma pray for you…. in Kitchen Stadium.
@BlackBerry Molasses,
“you, my homie, have an interesting (read: disturbing) relationship with food. ”
He does, don’t he? I remember how he had me crying that day he would only reply to a comment with a delicacy or otherwise unique food item.
I need a Wu-to-English dictionary a lot of the time…
@Cheekie,
I need a Wu-to-English dictionary a lot of the time…
Aif Wondra been slippin on her Wu Translation duties **o_O @Aif**
@RedBeanzNRice w/Catfish,
I don´t want no damn Breffiss! lol
@RedBeanzNRice w/Catfish,
your screen name does to people reading at lunch time what great boobage does to men. basically, i can’t see sh*t past your screennameclevage
@The Champ,
*cackles @ screenameclevage*
E-gods, make that official e-slang, please.
*re-browses the post and notices something different*
What the…
Champs, you deserve a ceremonious throat punch for putting that Pizza the Hut pic up on a MONDAY and giving me the heebie jeebies.
@Cheekie,
Say word! I remember watching space balls and feeling sadomasochistic about this character. my gut was turning over but my mind’s palat was like what if you had a great big giant ball of pizza.
@WuDaMan,
But that mofo looks like he has a giant bitten-off hot dog in his mouth. *gag*
…
and *pause*.
@Cheekie,
I thought I was crazy…I looked again like, that wasn’t there the first time…lol
And to people’s points about who puts in the work and if a man thinks he’s just gonna have an easy time with you cuz you got his number, I say this:
Why does everybody act like well the first 15 minutes that he met me, this was the dynamic, so it shall be forever more? F*kc outta here!
If I looked like a nerd when we met, I wouldnt let you give me wedgies the rest of my life. If I look high when we meet, dont get cussed out talking to me all slow and stupid like the non-smokers tend to do, as if weed stops you from comprehending English (f’in arseholes). Sometimes I look I’m mean, doesn’t mean I’m feeling bitchy everyday. Sometimes I look sometimes I look like a ho…or at least like a regular woman in a ho’s uniform. You can think Im an easy lay if you want to, but watch how far you’ll get.
I dont give two screws how you thought it was going down when you first met me. You better treat me how I like or its gonna be a problem.
As I mentioned upthread, if you assert how you expect to be treated people will either get right or get left. I’ve never had a problem with this, bagged or bagging.
And another thing…
I would encourage any single woman to do whatever the eff she likes simply because one-size-fits-all, “Rules”-style advice doesn’t make sense.
“But why not Me Fail, oh ye of long, luscious locks and enviable shoe game?”
I’ll tell you why. Cuz NOTHING works! Most HS sweethearts dont stay together. Most office romances dont work. Most people hooked up through families, friends, Oracles at Delphi don’t make it either. Its silly to make all these statistical inferences when the truth is NOTHING works…’til it does.
@Me fail english?, the runaway slave,
I would encourage any single woman to do whatever the eff she likes simply because one-size-fits-all, “Rules”-style advice doesn’t make sense. .
I definitely have to co-sign on this. People like to tout up these so called rules acting like they’re the end to be all, when their azz is in the same boat as you. Moral of the story – F*ck a rule!
@Me fail english?, the runaway slave,
Oh how I luv my lil’ ED. Get ‘em, girl
@Me fail english?, the runaway slave,
Why does everybody act like well the first 15 minutes that he met me, this was the dynamic, so it shall be forever more? F*kc outta here
thing is, this is how most relationships play out. how you met usually serves as an accurate microcosm and synopsis of the whole thing.
@The Champ,
Not buying this. I’ve met different people when I was going thru different moods. I was dressed differently, made eye contact or didnt. Used cusswords or didnt. etc. And over time, pretty much everyone gets the same impression of me. And just about everyone treats me with the same level of respect.
Every guy who thinks his wife is a jealous, nagging arsehole didnt remark when they first met, “Gee, she sure is a jealous, naggin arsehole. This might be my future wife.” Maybe you thought the kid down the street was a charming young man…til he knocked up your daughter.
It happens all the time that your first impressions are wrong and you have to adjust from there. In my experience, men bring their preconceived notions to the party just like anyone else. The longer they see you being yourself they either learn and adjust or get disappointed and leave your a$s. Such is life
@Me fail english?, the runaway slave,
Every guy who thinks his wife is a jealous, nagging arsehole didnt remark when they first met, “Gee, she sure is a jealous, naggin arsehole. This might be my future wife.”
If they knew this the would not have married her. People change or better yet hide.
Bond.
@BlkBond,
That’s exactly my point. First impressions are off a good portion of the time. You’ve got ppl putting their best foot forward, overcompensating tryna seem cooler, etc. So for me while the first meeting can give you some useful info, it’s rarely the best indication of future rel’ship dynamics.
@Me fail english?, the runaway slave,
“Sometimes I look I’m mean, doesn’t mean I’m feeling bitchy everyday. ”
This is such a good point. I know it ain’t smart to approach women with stank-face, but don’t write her off entirely if you see her out and about on the regular…she coulda just been having a bad day and/or off her game. If you see her the next day at least giving you a half-smile, take the chance.
@Cheekie,
Yep. And as far as first impressions go, people generally dont seem that good at them.
I’ve had people make up a whole life story about me based on a single convo.
Stuff ppl have thought about MeFail:
“Girl, when I first met you I thought you were ____”
- a stuck up rich girl
- a healthy eater
- a devout Christian
- rude & bitchy
- gay
And we all know none of that is true (okay, okay I might be rich
). The point is, people can only treat you how you allow them to. And most people, if you’re pleasant will adapt to who they learn you to be. They wont stay stuck on stupid, steady tryna make you pay for dinner, when you made it clear you won’t. And if they do, just drop they ass. NO. BIG. DEAL.
@Me fail english?, the runaway slave,
You bring up many good points, Me Fail. But I *died* when you mentioned the Oracle of Adelphi. I thought I was the only kid who watched the Nerverending Story about a billion times because the main character was a nerdy kid who read a lot.
What’s this? Champ propaganda! Didn’t Mo’nique get Prof. Ogilvie in the end?
Seriously though, doesn’t it depend on the man? Some men are hunters, some are not. The fatal flaw in this logic I suspect is that women who have the courage (call it what it is, ’cause it takes guts to do this!!), are also attracted to similalry brave men- who will tend not to be attracted to being wooed and courted.
Finally, as a trained anthropologist (i.e. I’ve watched Sir David Attenborough’s boxed “wild kingdom), women approaching men might be doing nature a disservice- if as a male, you weren’t bold enough to approach your mate, your genes died with you. Are these the kind of genes that we want to propagate?
@Wanjiru,
lol, this…
Finally, as a trained anthropologist (i.e. I’ve watched Sir David Attenborough’s boxed “wild kingdom), women approaching men might be doing nature a disservice- if as a male, you weren’t bold enough to approach your mate, your genes died with you. Are these the kind of genes that we want to propagate?
…is a perfect response to this…
“Seriously though, doesn’t it depend on the man?”
thanks and sh*t
I dunno it dont matter who approach who but I had to make it a point to hunt vrs being hunted. When you are the prey the hunter gets what they want but the prey doesnt always get what they want. Ive been tha prey before and I go along with the ride cause Im flattered/feeling wanted/and she is bangable and i hope it grows but it usually doesnt. But when you are the hunter and pick your prey you usually get what you want Im so selective I have to be the hunter.
side note: on fri in the bay area they are have this thing called the “cougar convention” google it i aint lyin only chicks 35+ can attend and they want yunger dudes 21-35. I dunno Im really thinkin bout goin shiii we ina recession i needs a sugamama. I might be huntin down cougars shii or get free drinks all night. *in chris tucker voice*”ninjas is broke these days”.
@BLUNTBLAZER,
Ive been tha prey before and I go along with the ride cause Im flattered/feeling wanted/and she is bangable and i hope it grows but it usually doesnt
***nodding head and sh*t***
I agree with this post. Both 8th and Wu expressed it far more eloquently but I have to co-sign.
As a grown woman (40+) the behavior of b!tch a$$ men and thirsty women makes me want to randomly & repeatedly slap people until they realize the error of their ways. As this would take up an inordinate amount of my time and thereby reduce my availability to read VSB, I refrain.
@EbonyI,
As this would take up an inordinate amount of my time and thereby reduce my availability to read VSB, I refrain.
smart woman and sh*t.
Champ I could not agree more…..besides pursuing, holla-ing @, approaching, and or chasing men ain’t neva been my style.
I have neva had a problem attracting folk LOL, esp the ones I’ve been attracted to, in turn…….
Is it possible for their to be a mutual attraction between two people – and they talk and converse and all that, and go from there? I’m really trying to think HARD about this now cause this is an interesting conversation, and I’m not a very passive female, at all. I can play coy and all that, and I’m definitely a little reserved. But i’m not into game playing. And I’m not into gender roles, i’m just into being me. And in the initial “bagging” between myself and the love of my life I’m pretty sure that he started talking to me first but as time went along I got more aggressive like, “So when are we going out?”
@pgh muse,
Word, ED. I can’t get with the “show him a little leeeg and take it right back!” school of dating.
I be like dude YOU GON SUCK IT OR NOTI just like to be forthright@Me fail english?, the runaway slave,
Lol. I know. I think maybe I was bagged and just didn’t know it.
I’ve been known to approach for other people but, in my own hypocritical way, if a man sends his boy to “holla” I’ll send him back and tell him we’ll talk when he walks up to me himself.
Yeah, if I was into a guy enough I would surely approach and, in that scenario, I have a 100% success rate. HOWEVER…if I start walking toward a dude and his jaw drops he just became someone to torment for my amusement.
A man who is good with his masculinity and can handle the lion, tigers, and crackheads (oh my) shouldn’t have a problem with my approach…and the filter can spot those who can’t.
I could not agree MORE! In fact, you just confirmed my blogpost from last night. I am on the right path now for sure. Even though, ‘bagging’ and making provisions to show I’m interested are ‘cute’ it’s not what’s up at all. I tried. It doesn’t NOT work. Every point you made is VALID! I’m going back to my lane and drive there. Thanks Champ. VSB always saves the day…..
Ahhh and I’ve updated my most recent post to add a bit of your knowledge Champ. Thanks.
I tried the coyness, smiling stuff with my husband. He’s a computer geek–read oblivious–so it didn’t work. Finally I just approached him. It was super simple. “Hey, do you want to have sex?” Three months later, we were an item. Two years later, married. His wedding reception speech started off with, “Make no mistake, she found me.” We’re on year five of marriage, year seven of the relationship. Granted, he suggested we get serious and he was the one who suggested marriage, but the initial approach was all me.
but I still don’t celebrate Kwanzaa.
i agree with your 4 reasons especially number 3. its mad unattractive for a woman to come off as thirsty. if a woman is attracted to a guy she should drop subtle hints to see if the attraction is mutual. thats usually how it happens with me. lol.
I agree with this. Being one of those guys that occasionally gets that look from women on public transportation I won’t be on it unless I see them doing the garnier fructis thing with the hair and more demonstrable body language, like a smile or a sly wave. If I don’t come over then that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t ever might be in day dream land as well and have to regroup for a next time.
Well it doesn’t work for women because..he either
a. isn’t into her
b. have no game
c. he knows she’s the neighborhood slut.
As for your first reason, I think this is accurate if the guy knows that she is into him.
Well in nyc the women never smile. And as for the fake cell fone convo nyc chicks had to set that off in the 80′s with the walkman. The actual player is in her bag but shortie got the earphones on, the cell phone has made the game more fierce!(Slim Charles, The Wire). I will say that yes its no garuntee to get her math but must she be cold and rude when I was nice, smiled while talkin and considerate. Yes I have no shot @ Harvard but they aren’t writing rejection letters saying “hell no you lame no go drink vomit” and neither is the hot law firm. They will reject me with the same dignity in which I used to apply to em.
Now as for showing interest, just smile plz that’s it. Also if you frontin on the jack end the call if you feel I am ur flavor. But now @ 33, in nyc only I just ignore women(any women up here from the 5 boros wanna debate me on this let’s get it on!)mostly on the trains and in the streets in general. Unemployed or gainfully employed, degrees or a GED it seems too many nyc chicks are too cold. As I said they’ll look all day (even when with a man) but smile hell no. Don’t ask me when a chick out here is feelin you other than the same lame spots (bars-lounges-clubs) women outhere show no overt signs they like you, now I am being general here, I do have an great nyc moment between a man and woman and she is interested but this being nyc I just igged her as a another pretty but non approchable woman in the city:peep game. On a empty Manhattan bound C train, me in a two seater re: not a lot of space to sit she dashes on jus as the doors closed I thought fa sho she’ll walk the length of the car for a seat despite plenty of them closer to me. (yea once I got the good look I was hoping she sit close to me) she did one better and sat next to me sign 1, sign two is as the train moves she used the motion it creates to balance herself by slightly tochin my knee then when the train moved again she put her foot rite next to mine. Witout a word said I KNEW I was baggin her. She told when she looked bak in my direction her initial move was to keep walkin but she saw me and felt if she woulda went too far then when the train takes on more ppl flirting from even 3 feet wouldn’t have worked. In the end it was cool we never became a couple but to this day we talk here n there but I feel her method esp for nyc(where face it tons of women get over on the fact they are from here but other than that their avg) was the best I have seen.
Ah, a detached, hip-ironic reconstruction of anti-feminist arguments in favor of men making the first move. Charming.
Why anyone would take this seriously as dating advice, or even a perspective to be considered and rejected, is beyond me.
On non-sexist assumptions, reason 1 is a juvenile rehash of traditional gender roles; reason 2 applies equally to men as to women, so it’s an argument in favor no one approaching anyone; reason 3 is a non-sequitur; and reason 4 is anecdotal. I know couples in which the woman picked him up, and they’re doing fine. In addition, most women don’t make the first move, so it’s no wonder the writer doesn’t know any couples in which, you know, the woman made the first move.
I’m a man, by the way. I give huge points to women who are bold enough to approach me, whether or not I’m physically attracted to them. And, you know, just because I find a stranger attractive doesn’t mean she’s inviting me to approach her. Often I refrain out of basic politeness. Hot women should be able to go about their day, in my opinion, without every guy thinking she’s fair game for cruising. In the writer’s world, though, what a woman wants hardly figures into the matter. Or he wouldn’t be constructing stupid arguments like the one on display.
<<Rolls over and dies<<
Tried reading all/most of these comments and now my eyes hurt.
Look, it's kinda complicated. Would I dig a chick hitting me up? Heckyea! Would I have second thoughts? Only if she came too strong. I once had a chick walk up to me and say I looked like the man of her dreams…IN ALL SERIOUSNESS! That one made me eye the exit.
Flipping the script is hot. Flipping the script, the table, the cards and my whole dam* drink…NOT.
Easy does it, like one of y'all ladies said. Show interest…a vague smile don't cut it ma.
With regards to what some of you have termed 'not having the stone', may I politely say FVCK U! No, seriously. Once a man reaches the age of 25, he has probably been turned down more times than any of you have menstruated. You think we like it? So, ladies, I love you to death, but if you think a guy doesn't approach you because he doesn't have the 'stones', then you need to [was going to say eat sh*t and die] but I'm feeling better after that FVCK U lol.
Look, what men have learnt is to choose our battles and disappointments. If I see you and I'm attracted to you and don't have any kind of green light from you, I'm essentially taking a leap of faith. And trust me, there ain't no safety net down there.
So yes, we do approach, we just choose to let the old scars heal before we do. The only hot chick we've seen, you most definitely are not.
One love.
Hmmm.. I’m not so sure buddy. I’ve sent drinks to men in a bar / restaurant before and they have been met with open arms. I have also approached men and taken them home. It works… trust me. Women are stepping up to the plate these days because men’s balls are shrinking up into their bodies. Men are losing their game. True story.
You are so right about this. I know about this from past personal experience. In both cases when I approached men first, it led to insecurity in the relationship on my part and his. The insecurity on the female’s comes from an inner nagging question of “Would he have ever stepped to me if I hadn’t made this thing (our relationship) happen?” However, I do know of one marriage that resulted from the woman approaching the man. It’s the Bill and Hilary Clinton marriage, but you did say SUCCESSFUL marriage didn’t you?
Ehh.. The men that have no problem approaching me are men that have no chance with me. They absolutely have no problem with rejection prob because they are used to it. Prob because they know no girl in their right mind (unless they are also crackheadish) would willingly date them. Those are the men with the most gumption, and have no problem approaching any women, be them on their level or not.
Now, I have a lot of balls, I have pursued men, dated them… and because I like my men bigger and taller than I, they’ll have no prob defending me or themselves should they need to.. it just hasn’t worked out because they had a child and all his time went to her… boooooooo…(but he’s a good daddy, and I am too young to be another womans childs step mommy)
Some men are afraid of rejection, some of too nervous to just say how they feel. Some men feel that if a woman is feeling you they should at least just come out and say it. Some cats are gay on the cool. Then some are just scary.
@RedBeanzNRice w/Catfish…You are damn right…am African and I’ve always been trying to figure out what this Kwanza that African-Americans celebrate is.
Never heard of it where am from….and none of my pals in the greater continent have either…
Totally agree. 100%. Men go after the things they want including women,If he ain’t approaching you, he ain’t interested. Yes I used the word ain’t. I don’t get why women can’t understand this. I’m a woman and I would never teach my daughters ( when I have them) to pursue men. It makes you look desperate and leaves you open to be played.
If one doesn’t notice, when women approach men, there are also chances of being kidnapped, battered, raped, and/or being killed (or even insulted with names like “slut”, “whore”, “tramp”, “sleaze”, etc.-verbal abuse) just like Natalee Holloway five years ago. She was said to have approached a Dutch guy named Joran VanDer Sloot in a bar in Aruba. A couple of minutes later, he kidnapped her and misplaced her body in an unknown location, where no one could find her. It’s like saying the more passive, illogical, and vulnerable you act, the more guys will respect you and like you even more and that if you act more assertive, logical, and confident, guys won’t respect you and like you, even though that’s how normal adults are. They will always be intimidated by you, which is really bad.
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