although actually watching them was like watching paint f*ck, kim kardashian and ray j are concrete proof that a sex tape can benefit both parties. slutty celeb ambition aside, a properly made video recording of you and your lover’s most intimate moments can be a private, visual confirmation of your mutual love and affection, a relevant boon in moments of libido recession, or an audition tape to host 106 and Park.
while i’m assuming most of us haven’t actually recorded ourselves, i’m 100 percent sure everyone has thought about it at least once. with this in mind, the champ has decided to bring you ten vsb do’s and dont’s of making a sex tape. take notes.
1) do make sure you have enough light
unless you want your vid to look and sound like one of stevie wonder’s dreams or a triple x version of the “blair witch project”, its a good idea to make sure your filming area has proper lighting. take my word for it, there’s nothing more disorientating and disappointing than anticipating great theater but witnessing shadow sex puppets 3 when you finally play it back.
this is one the reasons why i keep a spare strobe light in my bedroom closet
2) don’t show your face
over 92% of amateur sex videos are made with cell phone camcorders¹, which explains how these things seem to leak out so frequently. because of this, you should probably make sure your face is somewhat obscured.
while this can be accomplished with creative positioning, personally, i prefer to just rock twin zorro masks.
3) don’t use any t-mobile products
trust me
4) do make sure that all parties involved realize they are being recorded
although the mini cam you’ve hidden in that evisu shoebox on your dresser saved you from all nine of those rape charges last year, its in everyone’s best interest if each participant knows they’re being filmed.
and, although i can appreciate the comic relief in slipping in a whispered “yeah baby, smile for daddy’s camera” between a chorus of unintelligible moans and “say my names“…
…5) don’t decide to let them know they’re being recorded halfway through the act unless you want to get stabbed
6) do have a sense of humor
camcorders have a funny tendency to record the type of stuff you don’t see in that flattering mirror you pass twenty-seven times a day or those nine year old facebook profile pics that you’ve convinced yourself you still actually look like. you’ll need a sense of humor if you watch yourself and receive visual conformation that your real nude and sexual self is more janet reno than janet jacme
7) don’t allow any unexpected visitors
this includes (but isn’t limited to): pets, babies, roaches, baby roaches, parents, window voyeurs (unless planned), annoying ringtones, midgets (unless bored), and angry ex-girlfriends (unless banging)
8 ) do handle the recording duties by yourself
even if he allowed you to borrow the cam he uses to watch the barbershop while its closed, its probably not the best idea to ask your barber to record you and your girl, and its definitely not the best idea to let his janky-ass watch if he volunteers
9) don’t blast your sexin mixtape
call me crazy but, when you replay this vid i’m assuming you’re going to want to actually hear each other instead of aaron hall’s scary ass screaming “i miss you”
lastly,
10) don’t be chris brown a freakin punk
don’t be the paragon of bitchassedness who “accidently” leaks you and your lovers most intimate moments on the internet after a bad break-up or argument. there’s no possible excuse or justification for this, unless, of course, she hits your over the hill ass up for 50 g’s a month in child support.
so, people of vsb.com, how do you feel about the sex tape? did i miss anything? has anyone ever recorded themselves during the deed, or wanted to but chickened out thought otherwise?
the carpet is yours and sh*t
¹i’m completely making this up
—the champ
Related posts:
- 12 things about sex i’ve learned since becoming an adult
- the champs comprehensive, omniscient, all-encompassing, and all-inclusive two part guide detailing absolutely everything you need to do to insure that you will always have the best sex that you can possibly have…part two
- nttawwt: the vsb spectrum of gay things that straight men regularly do
- tale of the tape: “hood” vs “ghetto”
- 10 things we’ve willingly seen that we never need to see again
{ 38 comments… read them below or add one }
Rule #1a. Don’t be Paris Hilton
Related: #1b. Don’t be boring. JEEZ! Watching that chex tape made me wanna watch a Beyonce interview o_O. Just imagine that.
Reply
Blacklaw Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 2:41 am
@Luvvie, side bar but does she have a disability cuz her interviews hurt to watch?
Reply
The Champ Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 11:31 am
@Luvvie,
with the exception of liz’s, i still haven’t seen an “entertaining” celeb sex tape.
Reply
baby roaches?
Reply
Ivy St. Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 9:39 am
@Liz,
LOL! or secadas
Reply
The Champ Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 11:32 am
@Ivy St.,
LOL! or secadas
is that a mutant form of a cicada?
Reply
Liz Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 1:48 pm
@Ivy St., LMAO @ secedas. I hated them thangs!!!
Reply
Cheekie Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 10:28 am
@Liz,
Ew. I call for a baby roaches genocide.
Reply
Peysonic Temple Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 12:25 pm
@Cheekie, no such thing. they dont die, they… (wait for it) multiply
Reply
Cheekie Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 12:43 pm
@Peysonic Temple,
Yeah, I actually do consider them the Bebe’s Kids of insects/rodents. Very apt, there, Peyso.
wow.
Reply
WuDaMan Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 10:54 am
@V.E.G.,
unh unh come on that’s alls you got to say?
Reply
The Champ Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 11:34 am
@WuDaMan,
me thinks the blog convinced her to record one…or delete the 400 megabyte home movie on her harddrive
Reply
My first thought is just don’t : http://www.blacknbougie.com/2009/08/wbfdd-why-r-u-nekkid.html
But if you must, set ground rules first including the destruction/disposal/distribution clause both parties agree to.
Actaully I’m going back to my first thought : don’t
Reply
Anechoic Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 1:04 am
@OneChele has it right – just don’t do it. If you’re any good people will know about your skillz anyway. If you’re not, people just gonna laugh at you.
If you must get your freak-on in HD, at least find a way to get paid for.
Reply
Blacklaw Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 2:42 am
@OneChele, i say do it but dont let the tape linger….watch it a few times but then let it go
Reply
An Island Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 7:55 am
@Blacklaw,
Exactly. Unless you pulled off something you can NEVER repeat, saving it for more than a week is just not smart (my college roommate used to actually have viewing parties of his times with his high school ex — I rolled with stable people, I know). And if you have enough homemade pron sitting around to make a compilation, you’re probably going to be on the web one day.
Reply
The Champ Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 11:38 am
@Blacklaw,
“i say do it but dont let the tape linger….watch it a few times but then let it go”
this is a good point. unless you’re the meat in a baxter/berry sandwich, there’s no reason not to delete that sh*t after a couple weeks
Reply
This post made me cackle.
#’s 6 and 10 are the reasons I will never rock the casbah on tape.
No sir.
Reply
RedBeanzNRice w/Catfish Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 2:05 am
@8th Wonder,
Oh! I stole your name 2 months ago for use in my Sorority Life game on Facebook. Sorry, but I’ve always liked the name since the Sugar Hill Gang made that song back in the 70’s (hope I’m not telling my age, lol) And I’m proud to say that I’m now a level 78.
Guess your charming name had major influence on my success. 
Reply
The Champ Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 11:40 am
@8th Wonder,
#’s 6 and 10 are the reasons I will never rock the casbah on tape.
No sir.
mmmhmmm
Reply
K to the... Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 12:31 pm
@8th Wonder,
#’s 6 and 10 are the reasons I will never rock the casbah on tape.
LMAO cuz that song is now playing in my head…thanks alot! *sarcasm*
Reply
BlackBerry Molasses Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 3:53 pm
@K to the…,
for you,
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OAkfHShATKY
you’re welcome,
BBMo.
Reply
K to the... Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 4:09 pm
@BlackBerry Molasses,
lol You’re so caring!
Do: Provide the total viewing experience. Don’t give me good visuals and bogus audio. I’m not Helen Keller. I want to SEE and HEAR what’s goinz on in HD. Also, have enough memory or vhs tape space to capture the whole act. If you spend 85mins politicing and conversing for the cookie, that’s 5mins footage time remaining for actual rompery (deduct 2mins to really get it going). If you check out during your 3mins of fame, it was a waste of my eye sight and more importantly my bandwidth.
Don’t: Ladies, pick that day to rock the George W. Bush feature down yonder. Just jivin, just jivin. The Angela Davis is dugout is fine by me. Just don’t be wack (shout to Luvvie for gettin at Paris). There’s nothing more sobering and anti-erectile than watching a snooze mic check display, epileptic pipe-ration or carnivorous cookie consumption. Pump ya brakes and study ya arts before going digital you analog slouches. =)
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Frederico Ronaldo Jeremiah Savage Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 1:02 am
@Frederico Ronaldo Jeremiah Savage, **remove** the “is” after Davis. And I totally agree with #2. Embrace my motto “MY POV works for me”. #10 is on point. Blasting the footage because you’re uber bitter if/when the bottom falls out is just out to tax.
Reply
bittersweet's baby Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 2:08 am
@Frederico Ronaldo Jeremiah Savage,
Soooo…what I’m hearing you say is that you’re quite the coital connoisseur; the Siskel &
EbertRoeper of homemade sweaty-studio productions, some might say…Now that I think of it, that might be my next career. I’m nothing if not somewhat horny & completely objective.
Reply
NiazDad Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 2:09 am
@Frederico Ronaldo Jeremiah Savage, LMFAO@I’m not Helen Keller. I want to SEE and HEAR what’s goinz on in HD.
I guess if you are going to see your bidness might as well being in 1080 right?!?!?!?!
Reply
miss t-lee Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 8:58 am
@Frederico Ronaldo Jeremiah Savage,
“I’m not Helen Keller”
*crying*
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Monk Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 9:09 am
@Frederico Ronaldo Jeremiah Savage,
“Study ya arts before going digital..”
I concur. You can learn a lot about production from studying the product of others. Learn from their mistakes. If something is or looks wack, refrain from doing. Take the good aspects of their production and incorporate it in yours.
I’m not tellin’ you what I heard, I’m tellin’ you what I know.
Reply
Ivy St. Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 9:40 am
@Frederico Ronaldo Jeremiah Savage,
“have enough memory”
So a minute and a half won’t do?
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Frederico Ronaldo Jeremiah Savage Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 10:21 am
@Ivy St., Sure, that’s good for the trailer, but a definite no bueno for the feature presentation.
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The Champ Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 11:42 am
@Frederico Ronaldo Jeremiah Savage,
Don’t: Ladies, pick that day to rock the George W. Bush feature down yonder. Just jivin, just jivin. The Angela Davis is dugout is fine by me. Just don’t be wack (shout to Luvvie for gettin at Paris).
lol, basically be sally instead of harry?
Reply
Cheekie Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 11:57 am
@The Champ,
What…the…
*cracking up*
STOP IT.
Reply
Hmm… Never thought of midgets as a cure for boredom. Don’t think I quite want to, either. >_>
Reply
Purplenat Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 12:53 am
Oh, and…
Do: Realize that you will not only be watched, but will be critiqued by a bunch of
hornybored blog-followers.Reply
Cheekie Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 10:32 am
@Purplenat,
Yeah, that is a huge risk. Especially these VSB folks. They can roast with the best with them. And best believe you will be subjected to ceremonious roasting*.
*Yes, said roasting involves a rotating grilled pig.
Reply
NiazDad Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 2:08 am
@Purplenat, That would be some serious boredom for you to want to bring some midgets into the equation. Granted i know (not personally) some people who get off on that. So they don’t even have to be bored for all that to happen. Who knows midgets might take your vid to that next level; give you an extra minute to your fame…
Reply
bittersweet's baby Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 2:15 am
@NiazDad,
Uhm, no. You didn’t say that ironically, a midget might elevate the thrill level. Comical.
Do you know some pregnant p0rn
pervsfans too? It kinda disturbs me, tho I’ve heard many men find their women sexiest during that time. Still, *shudders*…Reply
The Champ Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 11:44 am
@bittersweet’s baby,
I’ve heard many men find their women sexiest during that time.
i can see why. i mean, if you can get past the human being living in her stomach, the woman parts are bigger and supposedly its six flags over darien lake 24/7.
8th Wonder Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 12:14 pm
@The Champ,
Please remove yourself from my life.
NiazDad Reply:
August 26th, 2009 at 2:53 am
@bittersweet’s baby, Well i thought my wife was beautiful when she was preggo…but i didnt want to through her into a prono though…people get off on some wierd stuff these days!!!
“you ain’t gon’ never see me f^ck!n on film” (c) coral, real world back to new york. oh, and “i don’t wrestle. i beat b!tches up”
*cackle*
back to topic.
no.
that is all.
Reply
NiazDad Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 2:06 am
@SouthernGirl, LMAO@“i don’t wrestle. i beat b!tches up”
..that ish had me rolling…
Reply
bittersweet's baby Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 2:19 am
@SouthernGirl,
It’s of no consequence, but methinks Coral’s out of the closet now. Maybe that was an added incentive to keep her from effin on film?
Reply
Dante_Alexander Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 9:45 am
@bittersweet’s baby,
Not necessarily. She may have been offered the lead in “Lezbo Power Tools 4″.
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SouthernGirl Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 10:14 am
@bittersweet’s baby, yeah. i heard about that a while back. makes me no nevermind. i think she’s hilarious.
@Dante Alexander, lol. so she should have said “you ain’t gon never catch me f^ck!n on film…for free?” in which case, i rescind my support of that statement
Reply
Cheekie Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 10:39 am
@SouthernGirl,
LOL. I love Coral.
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The Champ Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 11:45 am
@SouthernGirl,
“i don’t wrestle. i beat b!tches up”
this is still one of the top 17 or so lines of all time
Reply
WuDaMan Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 12:48 pm
@The Champ,
*anouncerman voice*
Exactly Champ. Not only is it unicecks. It’s even funnier when used on a man. insult to injury. Both figurative and litterally.
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this post was so funny to me for some reason.
i definitely agree with the good lighting tip. seriously. lighting will strike the difference between whether you look like a megastar or a monster. ooh! and definitely don’t show your face.
My tip:
Don’t make a tape with your boyfriend of 1 year and then break up with him the same night****…before either of you have seen the potential monstronsities on the tape….and leave said tape at his house….UNLESS, you have
a) not shown your face and
b) used that fire lighting so you’re 85% sure you look good.
****this tragedy happened to a college friend of mine, yall.
oh, and for ladies: use that waterproof dermablend body makeup…you gotta look good from all angles. hell, men too.
Reply
NiazDad Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 2:12 am
@charli skipper, to add something to the makeup statement, not only wear makeup but make sure you have lotion on. There is nothing worse than having everyone seeing ur body in all of it’s nakedness but you have some ashy white knees or knuckles. That ish on tape you can change that!!! LOTION UP PLAYA!!!!
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Blacklaw Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 2:46 am
@NiazDad, lol that was some funny ish
Reply
charli skipper Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 2:58 am
@NiazDad,
you’re right. i would be so devastated to see myself–or my partner–all ashy on film for all of posterity to see. forget it, just use coconut oil. lol
Reply
Ivy St. Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 10:59 am
@NiazDad,
LOL!
Reply
The Champ Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 11:47 am
@charli skipper,
****this tragedy happened to a college friend of mine, yall.
college friend my ass, lol. lemme find out there’s a 15 minute tape titled “skipping through charlie” floating around the internet right now
Reply
superwoman Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 1:25 pm
@The Champ, ha ha ha ha ha, so wrong!!!
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charli skipper Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 5:18 pm
@The Champ,
lol
i know, right?!
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If you do go through with it, get yourself a tripod and learn about composition.
Reply
Cheekie Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 10:39 am
@Anechoic,
I also think the film should include a poignant montage.
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The Champ Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 11:47 am
@Cheekie,
a good screenplay helps too.
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and i always heard that if a husband and wife do a tape, it should be put way away but still have a really off-putting codename for a title, like “visual notes from our 2005 income tax audit,” so that if somebody comes across it they’d rather wax their eyelashes than watch it.
Reply
Dante_Alexander Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 9:48 am
@charli skipper,
Until someone needs to dub a tape. I don’t speak from experience… At all.
I suppose it’s all different now with the Digi-Cams being commonplace, but back when it was tapes? You’d be LUCKY for nobody to ever find it.
Unless it was one of those 2-Inch mini tapes and you hid it behind one of the hinges on the closet door after unscrewing said hinge and cutting a small hole out just big enough for fitting a 2-inch tape.
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11. Don’t Have a Squeaky Bed, which moans louder than your sexy cohort and makes all of yall’s tired, chill ( go to sleep on the d*ck) moments seemed unwarranted and undeserved
Reply
NiazDad Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 2:04 am
@The Hallway, Man i have to agree something serious with the squeaky bed. There is nothing worse than your bed outshining you on your porno..SMH!!!
Reply
The Champ Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 11:48 am
@NiazDad,
There is nothing worse than your bed outshining you on your porno..SMH!!!
LOL
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I’m mad that you didn’t post these juicy tidbits 8 years ago. *destroying incriminating evidence*
Reply
The Champ Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 11:50 am
@RedBeanzNRice w/Catfish,
which rules did you break?
Reply
Just so you’d think it wasn’t him, I wonder…
If Al Sharpton made a sex tape, would he wear an afro wig to disguise his “press and curl?”
Yeah, clearly I’m sleepy – have a fabulous night yall!
Reply
blackberry molasses playing hooky from work Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 7:33 am
@RedBeanzNRice w/Catfish,
D@am Red Beanz… you had to go there?
My mind’s eye can’t unsee that sh*t.
**hands you quittage papers**
Reply
Cheekie Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 10:41 am
@RedBeanzNRice w/Catfish,
I am DONE with you. As done as a burnt filet mignon.
Al SHARPTON?! *gag*
Reply
Ivy St. Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 11:37 am
@RedBeanzNRice w/Catfish,
LOL! All I can imagine is him standing in some big holy white underwear (not to be confused for actual underwear that most men wear but something he happens to wear under his clothes).
Reply
i only got two things to say A) Remember where in the hell you hide that tape….aint nothin worse than driving ur self crazy thinking ur roommate, mom (those of you livin at home), pastor, brother, child etc…might come across that tape while you are on vacation and you asked them to check on your house
B) Do notify a close friend of the whereabouts of said tape and any other materials that are to be destroyed if something ever happens to you to prevent the true hollywood story that would ensue. My brother knows to go upstairs in my house, reach and get the trunk and destroy all contents…..no questions asked, just light that ish on fire
Reply
Nicki Sunshine Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 7:15 am
@Blacklaw, “My brother knows to go upstairs in my house, reach and get the trunk and destroy all contents…..no questions asked, just light that ish on fire”
Brilliant! lol. Sometimes it waunders across my mind, what if something happens to me and my family has to find the stuff that I keep in my underwear drawer????
****shudders at the thought**** lol
Reply
miss t-lee Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 9:48 am
@Nicki Sunshine,
You don’t have a go-to person in that event?
I do….lol
Reply
BlackBerry Molasses Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 9:56 am
@miss t-lee,
word. what the h3ll are best friends for if not to destroy all evidence of your h* sh*t before your family gets there???
miss t-lee Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 10:14 am
@BlackBerry Molasses,
Yes ma’am.
Nicki Sunshine Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 11:07 am
@miss t-lee, I don’t.. Not yet.. but trust. I will now. lol
Cheekie Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 10:42 am
@Blacklaw,
Letter B is pure genius and great advice. It’s probably Paris looking all over the world for a new BFF because she didn’t have that then. Ah, regret.
Reply
Ivy St. Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 11:35 am
@Blacklaw,
If left up to my brother, he’d being playing the video at the next family reunion using a HD projector.
Reply
The Champ Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 11:56 am
@Blacklaw,
i only got two things to say A) Remember where in the hell you hide that tape….aint nothin worse than driving ur self crazy thinking ur roommate, mom (those of you livin at home), pastor, brother, child etc…might come across that tape while you are on vacation and you asked them to check on your house
and, don’t be a dumbass and leave it in the dvd player or on your computer screen when you have company
Reply
Tx10inch Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 12:46 pm
@The Champ,
I got a couple of dem joints out and i don’t know where da hell they at. seriously.
Reply
BlackBerry Molasses Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 3:49 pm
@Tx10inch,
*snicker*
#hosh*tdiscretionFAIL.
Lemme come over for… uh… to borrow some sugar. Yeah, that’s it… sugar.
Tx10inch Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 6:50 pm
@BlackBerry Molasses,
lol. come on ova, we’ll look 4 that ummm…sugar together.
1. Make sure your rude & xtube accounts have different names from your blogger name so people will not be able link you to either.
2. Choose women you have completely d*ckmatized, this way they enjoy looking into the camera when you do all of your Justin Slayer impressions.
3. NO music. The score to a homemade should be produced by lip, lungs, and headboards.
4. Extra points for breaking the 4th wall. Double your score by getting her to break the 4th wall.
That is all I can remember, um…I mean, suggest (laughs).
Bond. BlkBond.
Reply
Suga&Spice Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 10:18 am
@BlkBond,
What is the 4th wall? Forgive me I have been away from VSB a bit lately.
Reply
Cheekie Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 10:51 am
@Suga&Spice,
*puts on theater geek hat*
Breaking the fourth wall is engaging with the audience (think Zach Morris in Saved by the Bell). It’s a theater term. Comes from the idea that if you picture the stage, it has 3 literal walls and then what is facing the audience is this open space. That open space is the 4th “wall”.
Reply
Ivy St. Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 11:34 am
@Cheekie,
Thanks I was lost too.
BLUNTBLAZER Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 11:55 am
@BlkBond,
dogg why was i talkin to this chick and she hada rude account she didnt hide it from me but dam i hadta ditch that chick i mean if a million ninjas seen tha puss im coooooooooooooooo
Reply
BlkBond Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 1:33 pm
@BLUNTBLAZER,
Nah cuz…false grounds. Now if a million ninjas hit the puss, then you can be cool. Otherwise you might be throwing away some good arse. Maybe she’s a voyeur (shrugs).
Bond.
Reply
The Champ Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 11:59 am
@BlkBond,
4. Extra points for breaking the 4th wall. Double your score by getting her to break the 4th wall.
this actually takes away from the experience to me, and decreases points. there should be an official committee that makes rulings on stuff like this
Reply
BlkBond Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 1:37 pm
@The Champ,
I assessment of points is based on the fact that the female has knowledge of being filmed. (points for him)
I tire of these ‘hidden’ videos where the angles are off, you can’t even tell whose f*king.
Points for her for being so into it that she has to let the audience know. Considering that she doesn’t even know who the audience is, speaks volumes about her freak factor.
You are correct, we do need a committee to make rulings on such matters.
Bond.
Reply
This was funny. A “friend” made a tape once. She thought it would spice up her relationship. The next day sober she reviewed the tape and was horrified. She thought it would be sexy like pron. It was the nastiest thing I…..She had ever seen. It was like watching farm animals. The skin flappin, the grunting and growling and the faces. (I think I just threw up a little in my mouth just now reflecting back on it).
Reply
Nicki Sunshine Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 7:13 am
@Yaa, LMBO!!!!!
Reply
Complex Simplicity Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 9:13 am
@Yaa, I just laughed out loud at your whole comment…
Reply
Cheekie Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 10:52 am
@Yaa,
Oh…my… *Julia Roberts guffaw*
AHAHAHAHAHA!
Now, you blew up that tape with TNT right?
Reply
BlackBerry Molasses Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 11:08 am
@Cheekie,
TNT? She put C-4 with a short double remote trigger on that tape.
Reply
Cheekie Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 12:00 pm
@BlackBerry Molasses,
LOL…you’re right. These days, hackers can get into TNT.
Yaa Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 11:46 am
@Cheekie, Heck yeah!! I looked a hot mess & everything was all clumsy looking. Unless you got a really bangin body & a script….put the camera away.
Reply
Ivy St. Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 11:33 am
@Yaa,
Why would she show it to you? why would u watch it?
Reply
Yaa Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 11:47 am
@Ivy St., ….wait are you making a joke. “SHE” was “ME”
Reply
Ivy St. Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 11:58 am
@Yaa,
Cheekie Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 12:04 pm
@Ivy St.,
LOL…checkmate.
The Champ Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 12:01 pm
@Yaa,
The skin flappin, the grunting and growling and the faces.
lol, sounds like it was made in a slaughterhouse
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BlkBond Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 1:39 pm
@The Champ,
LMAO!! Dude…you have your days, and for this comment, this is one, lol.
Bond.
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NiazDad Reply:
August 26th, 2009 at 3:02 am
@Yaa, LMAO@It was like watching farm animals. The skin flappin, the grunting and growling and the faces…..OMG..I can’t stop laughing as i am typing this…Thanks for the greatest laugh if the week…
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If I wanted to be in sex tapes, I’d be in them for a living.
That’s probably the most un-sexy, not-hot thing one could possibly do. Professional smut is losing its hotness as it is. And the folks who make these swear they doin’ something.
Besides, those tapes always become blackmail. It never fails.
So it’s not in your best interests to make one. Cuz ya neva know.
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Dante_Alexander Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 9:51 am
@Stuff Ghetto People Like,
“Cuz ya neva know.”
Isn’t this the motto for “Emergency D!ck in a Jar” (c) Chris Rock?
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BlackBerry Molasses Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 9:58 am
@Dante_Alexander,
shows how much you know. Its “D*ck In a Glass Case” … in case of emergency, break open glass….
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Stuff Ghetto People Like Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 10:24 am
@BlackBerry Molasses & Dante_Alexander,
Y’all do know that some commentators could spin that all kinds of ways?
BlackBerry Molasses Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 10:30 am
@Stuff Ghetto People Like,
Why, whatever do you mean?? **innocently bats eyelashes**
8th Wonder Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 10:01 am
@Dante_Alexander,
It is indeed, my friend.
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aren’t mirrors and memory enough?
i say just don’t do it. i have no ‘real life’ horror stories, but celeb horror stories are enough for me.
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blackberry molasses playing hooky from work Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 7:36 am
@Miss Patterson,
thank.you.
I have massive mirrored closet doors. They are enough. No tape. Not now, not never. I might be running for office one day.
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Suga&Spice Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 10:21 am
@blackberry molasses playing hooky from work,
I agree mirrors are enough. I have an 8 foot one at the foot of the bed. Whenever I’m lucky enough to get any it serves its purpose.
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Cheekie Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 10:55 am
@Miss Patterson,
That’s probably the best advice. I mean, you can imagine making a sex tape, but no one can put your imagination on TMZ. Keep it safe.
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Ivy St. Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 11:29 am
@Miss Patterson,
“aren’t mirrors enough?”
Are they? I mean if u use a mirror, you might find yourself looking in it more than actually enjoying the moment.
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The Champ Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 12:03 pm
@Miss Patterson,
aren’t mirrors and memory enough?
actually, yeah. adding mirrors and a couple gigs of memory to your recording is a great idea
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I need to know more about this tmobile thing since it is my carrier.
Annnnd, I’mma have to pass on the s3x tapes. lol
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The Champ Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 12:05 pm
@Nicki Sunshine,
for all the benefits of using t-mobile, you should be warned that their devices have the worst cameras of any carrier. they’re terrible.
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Nicki Sunshine Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 12:27 pm
@The Champ, Got you. lol. Good lookin out.
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“3) don’t use any t-mobile products”
LOL!!!! I have t-mobile so I’ma write this in the notebook.
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WuDaMan Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 12:06 pm
@miss t-lee,
Wait what is going in the notebook? are you going to make still drawings of the getting down? Or are you puting the note not to use a t-mobile phone for this?
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Ivy St. Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 12:12 pm
@WuDaMan,
I had the same question!
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Do: Set the stage. If the tape is something that you plan on watching a few times with (or without) your co-star, make sure the setting is right. Light those candles. Put in those deep red or blue lightbulbs (if you want it to look like a Hype Williams’ video). Make sure the area is clean and free of trash laying on the dresser, dirty clothes on the floor (unless if that’s the look you’re going for), baby toys, the distraction of a TV screen showing the Wendy Williams’ show in the background, etc..
Do: Suck it in. No ladies, I’m not talking about THAT..I’m talking about your stomach. This goes for guys too. You’re bound to look a little heavier on TV so it’s in your best interest to hold that gut in to the best of your ability.
Do: Let yourself go! You’ve already decided to do the tape so you might as well give it your all and don’t hold back.
Do: Be creative. Use different angles. If you’re doing the do standing up, sit the camera on the ground and tilt it up for a dope low angle shot or put it on top of that book shelf and tilt it down for that bird’s eye view. Share camera duties and take turns holding it so you get point of view shots from each person’s perspective.
Don’t: If you’re not 100% set on doing it, just don’t.
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The Champ Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 12:08 pm
@Monk,
lol, sounds like you have some behind the scenes experience in this regard. lemme find out you’re really john stagliano
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Monk Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 12:33 pm
@The Champ,
Not John Stagliano, but let’s just say I’ve entertained the thought of producing (more than) a few times.
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V Renee Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 2:23 pm
@Monk,
Is this a class you’re teaching Sex Tape 101?? You sure do know the ins and outs of this.
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Luckily I do not have political aspirations bc there is a tape out there in the world of me in all my ho-sh*t glory… maybe someone will put it out to boost my Spoken Word career… *crickets*
Viva la hosh*t, just let it live off tape. This is your hosh*t PSA, bc I care…..
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BlackBerry Molasses Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 10:04 am
@Naturally Alise,
do I smell a ho-sh*t rant?
I’ve never done this before Ho-Sh*t
I’m so comfortable with you Ho-Sh*t
I wanna be like KimmyK but less boring Ho-Sh*t
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Naturally Alise Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 11:22 am
@BlackBerry Molasses,
Since my sex tape is going to promote my spoken word career:
Soliloquy of hosh*t
I write poems and sh*t hosh*t
Ode to hosh*t
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I’ve flirted with the idea….haven’t done it to this point. My gf has unequivocally said no, for many of the reasons stated by the VSS here. Me thinks there have been secret communications afoot.
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BlackBerry Molasses Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 10:57 am
@Stank-0,
y’all think y’all cornered the market with “Man Laws”??
Pshhhhhh
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Ivy St. Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 11:21 am
@Stank-0,
Tell her it is a 3 step process:
1. make it
2. watch it
3. erase it
see, it’s like it never happened.
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The Champ Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 12:12 pm
@Stank-0,
Me thinks there have been secret communications afoot.
or a ton of frontin.
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Sex tapes are a no no along with naked pics, coochie shots etc, unless its in the future with my future husband LOL
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WuDaMan Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 12:04 pm
@OrangeStar616,
baby sure we gone get mrried. I need a lil help since I’m away on business. Send me a pic of that supa fly snookie… lol
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Yaa Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 12:36 pm
@OrangeStar616, I have posted this here before but….
What the heck is up with the nasty camera phone pics? I think the response I got last time was that it was just me that gets them LOL!! I swear I get pics all the time. Penii (singular LOL) isnt the most attractive looking thing on the planet. Plus I get grossed out by the visual of a IPhone in some dudes neather region. STOP IT ALREADY! This has created another phobia for me…I refuse to borrow somebody’s cell phone to make a call. REFUSE!!
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Re: #7 – But how funny would it be if you saw a baby roach crawl across the camera lens? *guffaw
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Ivy St. Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 11:20 am
@what she said,
lmao! … and wave
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what she said Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 11:50 am
@Ivy St., veddyhappytobehere.
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Cheekie Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 12:09 pm
@Ivy St.,
*DEAD* @ “and wave”.
Be all, “Hi Mom! And my 54 trillion brothers and sisters!”
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The Champ Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 12:14 pm
@what she said,
lol, i’ve seen a “homegrown” vid with an infant laying next to the participants, and ive also seen one that was apparently made in an apartment laundry room, so anything is possible
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pgh muse Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 12:56 pm
@The Champ, with an infant laying next to the participants
Wow. U know ur ghetto when…
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N.I.A. naturally Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 1:49 pm
@pgh muse,
…when YOU watch a “homegrown” vid with an infant laying next to the participants.
BlackBerry Molasses Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 3:46 pm
@N.I.A. naturally,
ZING!!!
WuDaMan Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 3:24 pm
@what she said,
what if said roach blocks out an on top participant and it looks like the roach is doing the submissed participant. Iew. Now that’s a horror flick.
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I have one to add….make sure your feet are not ashy and they are clean, there is nothing worse than looking at crusty feet on a prono…
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Cheekie Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 10:27 am
@Complex Simplicity,
And the ash probably glows in the dark. Not hot.
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do: if you completely trust your partner to not get mad and use it against you after a break-up/divorce. otherwise, don’t do it. memories are so much better, and no one else can see them if it turns out your ex is an azzhole.
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OrangeStar616 Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 9:41 am
@N.I.A. naturally, I agree memories are much better,…….what you recall naturally colored by the emotion felt in those moments…….
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Ironically, this post reads like, “Dr. Knockboot,” off of Nas’ I Am album.
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8th Wonder Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 10:07 am
@SouthernCharm,
Hope you’re listenin, turn up your transister-in
Hot 97, KISS-FM
or B-L-S, with your hand up her dress
Chillin with your girl while you think about ya ex
Not too easy, not too complex
I break it down, how to adress, the opposite sex
Problems or questions, I can answer them best
Signin off, Dr. Knockboot at your request, peace!*
*Yes, I know this whole song by heart. I think its one of the reasons why my ex-boyfriend still calls me.
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SouthernCharm Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 10:44 am
@8th Wonder,
i’m speechless
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8th Wonder Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 11:10 am
@SouthernCharm,
That’s the whole point, baby.
superwoman Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 1:39 pm
@8th Wonder, wow – i think i’m kinda falling in love with you…the smoothness!
BlackBerry Molasses Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 11:06 am
@8th Wonder,
That’s my e-twin… Killin ‘em in the streetz!!!
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overitnomore! Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 12:01 pm
@BlackBerry Molasses, ..*running up and down the e-streetz yelling* that’s my dawg! that’s my dawg!
The Champ Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 12:18 pm
@SouthernCharm,
i forgot all about that song. you know, if i made a list of “sh*t that’s actually much better than we remember it being” “i am” would be at the top of the list
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No. You. Didn’t. Say. “like watching paint f*ck”. HAHA!
Also, this:
“unless you want your vid to look and sound like one of stevie wonder’s dreams ”
I always imagine his dreams were either the color spectrum dance that happens whe you play a song on Windows Media Player or the same trippy drunk sequence in the film, Dumbo.
Another Rule: Don’t be Kels. Like, period. I mean, the mofo at one time, called himself the pied piper and has an affinity for pee. And he actually DOES wear Zorro masks, Champie.
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The Champ Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 12:19 pm
@Cheekie,
And he actually DOES wear Zorro masks, Champie.
i know. who do you think he shaqed the idea from
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Cheekie Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 12:39 pm
@The Champ,
Hmm. He probably figured by wearing it, you wouldn’t recognize him. Damn you to hell, Kels. *shakes fist to him*
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Hilarious post Champie Poo Poo.
The comments are even funnier.
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The Champ Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 12:22 pm
@Ivy St.,
thanks, ivy skeets
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I once made a lil cecksie ptime cell phone vid. I lost the phone once so it and all the nicety txt pics out there in the world on my stinkin memory chip. What did I dooo. Well it was just a vid of a bootie gyratin n some moaning. Mh mh mh.
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Ivy St. Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 11:59 am
@WuDaMan,
Hey, you left your phone at my place during your last visit. I’ve been meaning to tell you.
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WuDaMan Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 12:01 pm
@Ivy St.,
laughing my fat head off. I think I lost it in the target parking lot. mhm
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The Champ Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 12:21 pm
@Ivy St.,
**making the “hmmmm” face at “during your last visit”***
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WuDaMan Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 12:33 pm
@The Champ,
I lost it @ the target on city line avenue in the great state of Philadelphia
pgh muse Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 1:00 pm
@WuDaMan, Ivy, and the Champ
*nebby instigator mode*
Mmmmmmh hmmmmm. Sure u did, Wu.
WuDaMan Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 1:13 pm
@WuDaMan,
I was in some jogging pants w/ shallow pockets. I had to get in and out of the back seat of a 2 door car…
Hahahaha. This post made me laugh. I would totally do it within the confines of holy matrimony. Seems like it would be kind of a fun bonding experience. Ummmm… if it leaked out after the divorce, it would give me just another reason to go dc sniper on his a$$ so it’s kinda a win-win, right?
Btw, that is the prettiest pic of Kim K. i’ve ever seen. She’s beautiful. I guess maybe I’ll stop hating on her and her kind now. lol.
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WuDaMan Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 12:10 pm
@pgh muse,
“bonded experience” Daaaaang!
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Don’t make a sex tape with the basketball team as a freshie….
Then try to join a BGLO!
*TREAT*
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The Champ Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 12:25 pm
@K to the…,
so basically, don’t do what me fail english did?
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Me fail english?, the runaway slave Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 1:22 pm
@The Champ,
Me and ya mutha…
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I neva made a tape but there are a few candid shots of me full throttle that I am not ashamed of(cant see my face).
Ill give one exp. one chick was amazed and begged me to take a pic of my mini me stretched out on her face (cause with the ballz on her chin it was bigger than her face). long story short we broke up her friend found the photo i wasnt mad tho the friend was hella fine. I denied it tho but i was grinnin showin all my teeefuses…….long story short……and yeah it was bigger than her face 2 lol.
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The Champ Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 12:26 pm
@BLUNTBLAZER,
***slowly backing away from comment***
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pgh muse Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 12:54 pm
@The Champ, lol.
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BLUNTBLAZER Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 2:40 pm
@pgh muse,
sorry dogg its like twitter i tried to erase it but it was to late shii. fuq it tho. i speak nuthin but the truth.
Selah Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 2:48 pm
@The Champ,
LMAO! You just made me guffaw. I’m in the front row of my class, and it’s the first day of school. Bad first impression. *SMH*
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superwoman Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 1:44 pm
@BLUNTBLAZER, crikey….
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V Renee Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 2:18 pm
@BLUNTBLAZER,
Without photo proof, no one believes this story.
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BLUNTBLAZER Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 2:38 pm
@V Renee,
lol i kno talk is cheap……i can make u a believer tho………..lol i wud give u my ex’s # id bet anything she still has it. She was def a-dick-ted.
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Selah Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 2:49 pm
@V Renee,
i think i do. *shrugs* lol
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K to the... Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 3:35 pm
@BLUNTBLAZER,
and yeah it was bigger than her face 2 lol.
This is assuming some witchdoctor didn’t shrink her head in the same manner Betelgeuse’s head was shrunk after making the witchdog in the afterlife reception waiting room upset…
However, BB…I somewhat believe you! *shrugs with Velah* hehehe
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Funny Post!
# 11 Men, why do they wear socks? (mainly white tube ones)? I mean…okay u want the girl to get bucket nekkit but you wont? Dang is it that cold?? I swear I wont watch a pron if the dude has on socks..it just ruins the mood for me! :-/
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NiazDad, enjoying the sandbox.. Reply:
August 26th, 2009 at 3:09 am
@aja, Wow…very true statement..I dont understand why they wear socks…i guess they feet are busted or ashy…if not BOTH. Some people may need to look into getting pedicures or some ish. There is nothing gay with taken care of yourself…
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Also be sure to make your own beat it up dance!
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OK, Playa; this would be the most COMPREHENSIVE listing that i’ve seen.
THANXXX!!!
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