ever since adam made the fateful mistake of buying eve a mammoth skin handbag for valentines day when she specifically asked for velociraptor, knowing what and what not to purchase a woman has been one of the toughest questions for a man to ponder
today, as a service from vsb.com, the champ has decided to share the ten worst gifts you can give a woman to hopefully ensure that you vsb’s out there don’t pull an adam and accidentally make your eve’s eden drier than paul mooney
1. your d*ck in the inbox
actually, this applies to all unsolicited pictures of yourself. randomly sharing those gphone cam pics you took in the mirror last week that show off your “perfect goatee” is one of the quickest ways to go from “he’s cool” to “he’s cool, but i think he likes nuts on his chest”
2. a new gym membership and any other out of the blue workout paraphernalia
while its perfectly ok to renew gym memberships or purchase track shoes and treadmills for your girl if she’s already a workout fanatic, bringing up even the faintest hint that she needs to hit the gym is a bad idea on par with “i think “keeping it up with the van gundy’s” would be a great p*rn series” and “wow. that raccoon is so cute. i wonder if it can fit in my mouth”
3. crabs
although herpes is the gift that keeps on giving, crabs creates a cruel and confusing conundrum because of the obvious permanent negative imagery it gives seafoodies.
basically, while the herpe might stall her horse riding and nude sailing days, the coochie crabs will ruin red lobster forever
barbie as rapunzel movie download
4. an anonymous drink from across the room the water horse legend of the deep online
***filed under: “bagging techniques that only work in beer commercials or if your last name happens to be elba, kodjoe, champ, clooney, or pitt”***
5. an abortion
hey capitán, when she asked you to be more considerate about sex, “hey, babe. after work lets head down to the abortion clinic. i heard they’re having a special this week, and there’s a chick-fil-a right around the corner” probably isn’t what she had in mind.
my advice: pearl necklace
6. clothes from any store with a “one-size for all” plastic bag.
lets put it this way: if you’re buying her a vsb baby-tee and the sales clerk stuffs it in the same six gallon garbage bag perps use to hide dead hookers on CSI, the thought still counts, but she probably won’t give a f*ck
7. candy from the p*rn store, even if they have a sale on snickers (her favorite)
***filed under: “sh*t the champ had to learn the hard way”***
8. anything that’s breathing (unless she explicitly suggests it)
this includes, pets, exotic plants, big brothers, big sisters applications, and midgets
9. lotion or a new brand of deodorant
unless, of course, you’re training for a marathon and you’re intentionally aiming for three straight months of desert d*ck
10. anything she can use to efficiently plot your demise and/or murder
this includes guns, cutlery, account passwords, bleach, razors, pre-sharpened pencils, darts, the “dexter” box set, and nude pictures of your better looking ex
very smart brothas, sistas, and things named “blackberry molasses”, i know i’m forgetting a few. any suggestions?
—the champ
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{ 374 comments… read them below or add one }
don’t buy me pots and pans. i get it–you’re hungry.
@Liz,
lol, I did this last year for my girls 30th b-day. I keep joking about doing that for about a year and I finally did it. Getting her pots and shyt was the set up for the real gift, which was a Louie hand bag. I wrapped all boxes up. By the time she unwrapped the 6th box of non-stick frying pans, she wanted to bust me upside my head with one of them. lol
I still don’t she what she was mad for, those pots and pan were expensive. And I must say those non stick frying pans make a mean grilled cheese
@eff yo couch,
And I must say those non stick frying pans make a mean grilled cheese
this is true. and great pancakes
@The Champ,
what do you know about making pancakes or a grill cheese? lol!
@Ivy St.,
cheese deez
@The Champ,
ya know, I LOVE to cook and have some high end cook ware, so if someone wanted to add a pan or high end blender, pasta maker, etc. to the stash, I’m game.
@The Champ,
they make good fried egg samiches too lol
@eff yo couch, yeah, how can you get upset over getting quality cookware?
@Panama Jackson, you can never have enough quality cookware…besides, Teflon doesn’t jack you up as much as those old school cast iron skillets.
@T. Troy Stewart, Teflon doesn’t jack you up as much unless you cook with it….that stuff is full of toxins….granted a Teflon head lump might be a little less painful than a cast iron head lump.
@Panama Jackson, Busters. the whole lot of you. buy me some quality cookware on a Sunday. Not my birthday or anniversary or valentine’s day.
@Liz, buster deez. lol.
@Panama Jackson,
lol
@Panama Jackson, i hate you. both of you!!! watch ur not gonna be able to log in tomorrow!
login deez.
@Panama Jackson,
lol. Quality cookware is great…363 days of the year. On my bday or Jesus’, I want smthg more fun. How would yall feel if we got yall “quality hand tools” for Christmas
@Me fail english?, hell, right about now? i’d love it. i’ve had my eye on a freakin’ reciprocating saw for like two months now. for what reason? i have no clue.
i stay watching HGTV right now and been wanting to do some home repair!!!
@Me fail english?, Yeah-count me in on the quality power tools too. Home ownership is a muh-fugga and what these cats are out here charging for labor has forced a bruh to get more handy…
@Panama Jackson,
I concur. I’ll take quality cookware anytime of the day. I love me some kitchen appliances.
@Liz, I think if you are a person that enjoys cooking & he gets you a nice set then he is paying attention!! I would hit my knees giving thanks for a nice Le Creuset set (take that how you want to LOL)
@Yaa,
Cooking and hitting the knees, huh? Why would a man let you divorce him?! lol
@Me fail english?, EXACTLY…I am friggin catch
@Liz,
I actually love getting kitchen appliances… from anybody… Shoot, those KitchenAid mixers can go as high as $400, I’ll take it!
*sighs* The worst gift I ever received from a dude was a cordless phone – on VALENTINE’S DAY! But yeah, he’s my fiance now – don’t judge me, lol.
@RedBeanzNRice w/Collard Greens,
he just wanted to keep you close and sh*t.
@RedBeanzNRice w/Collard Greens, if you had said a corded phone maybe…but what with technology in like 2001, some of those cordless phones were quite exciting. they did all kinds of cool sh*t like. i used to love the “flash” button.
yay!
@Panama Jackson, You gonna have to go ahead and puase that “yay!”
Champ, I just wanna add that I’m mad at your tags, lol. “crab and crab like subtances”? LMAO – you’s a nut for real!
@RedBeanzNRice w/Collard Greens, did your phone break that same week? Was it the top of the line cordless? I need more details :p
@El,
I agree, was it the free football shape phone you get when you order a subscription to Sports Illustrated?
I always wanted one of those phones. lol
@eff yo couch, LMAO!! You are tripping. Do they still give those? You just took me back in time! Was it a clear phone that lights up when it rings?? I couldn’t resist.
@El, & eff yo couch,
See, yall just wrong, lol. It was a funky-butt V-Tech phone – no caller ID screen, no nothing. Just a plain cordless phone. But the point was that it was Valentine’s day, and that’s not really a romantic gift to give – ya dig?
@RedBeanzNRice w/Collard Greens, I hear you and yes that was some bs! V-tech….classic. V-day is always overrated but we got your point.
@RedBeanzNRice w/Collard Greens, phones are the most.romantic.gifts.ever.
what says love and romance like “i actually want to talk to you”
hell, i broke up with two chicks for talking to me when i didnt want them to speak. used to call me with silly sh*t like, “hello” and “can you come pick me up, my car broke down”
gtfohwtbs.
@eff yo couch,
I always wanted one of those phones. lol
i had a basketball phone from the age of 12 up until 17. whenever it would ring it would light up and go “swish” over and over again
@The Champ, stop lying you still have that phone
@Intellectual Hedonist,
you’re right, i do. its stored underneath my bed, right next to your dignity.
@Intellectual Hedonist, my dignity is well in tact and has never been under anyone’s (especially yours) bed. A closet perhaps but never under a bed.
you’re right, i do. its stored underneath my bed, right next to your dignity.”
Aif Wondra~ She was cool n shyt
1983-2009
@Intellectual Hedonist, damn 8th how you gonna play me like that I thought we were e-peeps
I’m sorry, it was just too funny….I had to die.
Before I make a comment bout this post, I’d like to say that I’m DEVASTATED that I missed the “10 things you should know about SPADES” post. I did all types of wall slides. WHYYY did I have to be tah’d & working??/ WHAYYYYYYYYY???
*wall slides again*
Jeebs hold my Dereon glittered gym shoes (with the gold soles) as I scoot down ur aisle in the name of Your FAVVA, you, Meshack, Shadrack and that Billy Goat. Oh I coulda spread my IG all throughout that post!!!
Mkay i’m done lamenting. Carry on.
@Thuggie Luvvie, sorry you missed out on that spades topic the other day. It was classic. Just so happens I had to open up a can of whup a$$ on Sunday at the park. Call me “white girl” all you want. I ran that table!!! And, we bid a boston and made a boston. Man, watch out!!!!!! We the best
@El,
white girl?
@The Champ, I was going to call her Teddy Ruxpin
@The Champ, some people think I speak proper. Well, not really some people, just the hood ni**a’s in GA. Because they don’t finish their words and I do, I must be white. **Rolling my eyes at the name**
@Thuggie Luvvie, you art forgiven for thine absenceth.
yay-men.
Anything that you already told me you bought for your last girl on her bday/v-day/xmas (and then forgot you told me)…i.e. some “Build-a-bear” b.s., a Bath & Body Works lotion set, or the movie “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind”. For some reason I’ve dated 2 dudes who tried to recycle game. More disrespectful than not buying sh**.
@Thuggie Luvie Jeebs hold my Dereon glittered gym shoes (with the gold soles)
Anything Baby Phat, House o’ Deron, Rocawear, JLo, Apple Bottoms, Vokal, GUnit, or any perfume that smells like a recording artist or herpes-having “heiress”. Matter of fact, drive by an inner city high school….don’t buy me anything that the class of 2010 is wearing. Thx.
@Sheffield Swats,
“Matter of fact, drive by an inner city high school….don’t buy me anything that the class of 2010 is wearing. Thx”
Yeah me and them urban youths best not be rocking the same gear.
@Sheffield Swats, co sign. Do, I look like I advertise for free???? Seriously! Have you ever seen me rock urban gear regularly. Just because I like the way babyphat jeans fit does not mean I need some rocawear, seanjean for women, or applebottoms. *rolling my eyes*
@El, I know thats right, as if i would be caught dead in a coogie dress or applebottom jeans. I wish a ninja would!
@JamaicanGirl, actually, my ninja did buy me some applebottom capris. I always have to wear a long shirt when I wear them. CRAZY! But we had a talk so he wont do it again. LOL
@El, I have apple bottom jeans but only because I got them for free when my girls worked and designed for them… I dont think I have ever worn them, I need to give them to good will.
@Sheffield Swats,
“Matter of fact, drive by an inner city high school….don’t buy me anything that the class of 2010 is wearing. Thx.”
‘fa sho!!!
@Sheffield Swats,
For some reason I’ve dated 2 dudes who tried to recycle game
if it aint broke…
@The Champ, prob is, it IS broke. Grrrr. Maybe I’m just exposing my unadulterated hatred of stuffed animals. They’re craptastic.
@Sheffield Swats, Matter of fact, drive by an inner city high school….don’t buy me anything that the class of 2010 is wearing. Thx.
i’ve said it once and i’ll say it again…there is TOO MUCH FASHION in America right now.
i blame Ed Hardy and Jim Jones for this. Ed Hardy released those horrid ubercolorful shirts and skin-tight things that made dudes look tatted up…next thing you know everybody’s looking like a damn box of skittles wearing clothes that are 3 sizes too small.
which is kind of funny since Andre 3000 said on the “walk it out remix” to “take that thing 2 sizes down”
i hate skinny jeans. and american apparel.
and jim jones wore ed hardy so he’s to blame.
actually, i blame Harlem.
@Panama Jackson,
its it ironic that the most homophobic rap crew in hip-hop history helped to spare head the extra medium age we’re in now?
@The Champ,
In a totally unrelated note, has anyone ever noticed the latent homo-ness of “The Chronic”?
Blasphemous? No. Not at all.
Listen to Dre Day. I can’t tell you how I felt actually thinking about those lyrics.
Prison Gay, the whole lot.
Anyway, Gangstaliscious and the rest of DipSet are solely to blame for many things. Among them: Global Warming, Ms. Cleo, and airbrushed Timbs.
@Dante_Alexander,
In a totally unrelated note, has anyone ever noticed the latent homo-ness of “The Chronic”?
well, i do think there was/is a dr.dre=gay rumor floating around. maybe he was trying to send a different type of message
Oh. Was supposed to add to topic at hand. Well here it goes:
*An appliance or tool of some sort. Don’t get me nothing from Home Depot, unless my fridge just broke down
*Bad Birthday Chex (No Jeremih). Come w/ the ammo on THAT day. Extra moves? Show me. Them new boxer briefs? Break em out!
What will probably lead to you getting to see the special red lace:
*The Kindle – I want one soooo bad! I’m a nerd. Get me the Kindle so I can read books everywhere w/o the hassle of lugging them around? Yeah, King Treatment.
*Them shoes I got my eyes on. Just picture them on my feets & me rocking a trench coat. You will enjoy.
That’s all I gots for now.
@Thuggie Luvvie, the trench coat or just a scarf, same effect, lmao.
actually i’d so do the trench.
@i’m overit, BOO,
Same here. I saw this DOPE Burberry trench. To afford it, I’d have to sell my ovaries
. So I shall drool from afar
@Thuggie Luvvie,
No need to hock the proto-Luv’s! I got a fly arse Burberry trench from an outlet in May for $600. Owwww
@Me fail english?, more people are a necessity.
@Peysonic Temple #69,
Or how about a receipt. Right at Tanger in Riverhead. Zippered lining and errythang
@Thuggie Luvvie,
“Come w/ the ammo on THAT day. Extra moves? Show me.”
so you’re saying he should break out those spectacular moves he was studying on youtube?
@The Champ,
No.
iRebuke that in the name of non-tangy men everywhere. Get thee behind me, Firecrotch!!!
@The Champ, I’m so mad “we gon’ get tipsy…” just popped in my head.
I can never look at a spin/turn move in the same light. Why Spec?
@Thuggie Luvvie,
“Them shoes I got my eyes on. Just picture them on my feets & me rocking a trench coat. You will enjoy.”
Interesting…I don’t want a guy buying me shoes. That’s my hobby. lol. Buying me clothes (other than fancy under garments, sports gear or a something like that) isn’t something I’d necessarily want a guy to do.
@iloVEGrits,
Interesting…I don’t want a guy buying me shoes
to be honest, im kind of the same way. you have to prove you have taste first (and its compatible with mine) before im giddy with you buying me sh*t to rock.
@iloVEGrits,
If he knows I want the shoes, I see no probs with him buying it. Of course if he was to come home w/ some white Chanclattas (some laundromat specials chunky shoes), then we may have to break up from his lack of taste.
@iloVEGrits,
I am with you. I don’t want a guy buying me shoes, or clothes or even accessories… Matter of fact, I don’t even like a guy shopping with me. Let me go shop and then show the clothes off to you, how about that?
Re:accessories… Jewelry is THE exception.
It really is the thought that counts. The worst gift I’ve received was a TV. There was no thought in that. I already had a TV that worked just fine. Its not like he benefited from the TV because we hung at his place more than mine.
I like getting gifts that aren’t things I would buy for myself but clearly show you thought about me and what I like. If you get me something practical and/or thoughtless I feel like you saved me a trip to the store and my gratitude does not extend beyond that sentiment.
@Nola Darling,
“If you get me something practical and/or thoughtless I feel like you saved me a trip to the store and my gratitude does not extend beyond that sentiment.”
Zackly! I completely agree with you on this.
@Nola Darling,
I like getting gifts that aren’t things I would buy for myself but clearly show you thought about me and what I like
who doesnt like a tv???
@The Champ,
4 real i need a new tv had the same one since 99 its been coast to coast with me even had it in college
@BLUNTBLAZER,
This just made me realize that I had the same tv since I was in the eighth grade. Which is probably why bf won’t watch the fight at my crib…Betch!
@Me fail english?,
“Which is probably why bf won’t watch the fight at my crib…Betch!”
Girl, don’t nobody wanna watch a fight in black and white.
@RedBeanzNRice w/Collard Greens,
shiiiiiii if i was at my gf crib dam a fight im tryna go 12 rounds on the matress “lets get ready to rumble”
@RedBeanzNRice w/Collard Greens,
lol!
…or hot pink, which is how everything appears in the upper left corner now.
@ Champ, “your d*ck in the inbox”
yesss… this is just NOT okay. The last dude who sent me pics got cut (from my phone, not with a sharp object lol)…… he was all greased up and errr thang. ….. Can’t lie tho, me and my girls got a good laugh out of that. lol
@Selah, i to have gotten this in my iPhone inbox. Sigh. Def fun for laughs. Def not a turn on tho. All I am thinkin about is the scene of the crime, not the object of affection. How stupid do you look takin pics of your packages?
@Liz,
“How stupid do you look takin pics of your packages?”
very… very stupid. lol and PUHLEEZE do not send me a text/email talkin bout “now YOU send ME some” …. yea, NO. lol
@Selah,
hey i gotta collection of chicks in my phone me an my homies compare broads. kinda like “look at these tig-o’s”. “naw dawg look at these lungs” lol
@BLUNTBLAZER,
“naw dawg look at these lungs”
*DEAD* …. and since I don’t wanna be the broad that gets compared to another broad in some mans phone… i’ll sticks with my first answer. no pics! lol
@Selah,
word. I don’t even send out face pics. I mean, what if I have to fake like I don’t know you one day??? Now you got the proof complete with ambient lighting
@Selah, why do i get the *pics of the dude with a bigger rack than me? i make people feel too comfortable, lol.
ok, it was one, but…i see it now. f*ck. his life.
@i’m overit, BOO,
“bigger rack than me” …
LMAO …This is why I tell dudes upfront: do not send me any nekkid pics….. unless i specifically request them (insert wink here)
@Selah, you know, i’ll never understand for the life of me why ANY DUDE would do this. and yes, i’m judging you if you do and/or have done this. lol.
first off…if things go badly between you and your chick, your biz is SO getting plastered on cell phones across america. its like instant ammo to be used against you in the near future.
bad.bizness.
@Panama Jackson, d*mn. consider me judged then. lol… but i promise not to do it no mo’!
I agree with 1 and 2. In the past this guy thought it was cute to send me naked pics. It wasn’t. In fact it got old quick and I used to forward the pics to all my friends and we would laugh at the girl tank he wore and how he sent the same pics in a rotation. Gross.
My bf once gave me a how to get perfect abs magazine out the blue saying he thought about me when he saw it. Ummmmmmm, I have never had a 6 pack before in my life; and hell, I will even go on record now and say, I probably never will… wtf.
I am so glad I can’t relate to the other rules. Candy from the porn store still has me thinking I wish a ni**a would!
@El, he aint get no candy from the porn store. that’s just ugly, lol.
@i’m overit, BOO, Yes he did. I’m going in a porn store tomorrow to check out this alleged candy selection.
@El,
“I’m going in a p*rn store tomorrow to check out this alleged candy selection.”
mmmhmmm. going to check out candy, huh?
@The Champ,
lol
@The Champ, i neva knew they had a candy section.
Crazy but tru story i saw my ex at a chex store one night that was a weird convo lol
@The Champ, I mean, I might as well pick up some oils and a new DVD while I am there with gas prices being so high and all :p
Champ,
” “wow. that raccoon is so cute. i wonder if it can fit in my mouth” PLEASE CONTAIN YOURSELF! lmao, wth. Also, I like how the product placement..
*dream sequence: overit frolicking in DC with a vsb shirt*
I think I want a tee! lmao..
What not to get: The Twilight series “cause you like Harry Potter”, ninja, BYE! next.
What to get: A gift card from Levenger!!
@i’m overit, BOO,
Hmm I always thought gift cards were the easy way out. I want something I can hold in my hand for a long time.
@Ivy St.,
I want something I can hold in my hand for a long time.
i’m sure you do
*chuckle*
@8th Wonder,
aww champ why you let her off the hook like that lol
@BLUNTBLAZER,
Cause he knows I’m not the one!
@Ivy St., too easy drill sargent, too easy.
@i’m overit, BOO,
I think I want a tee! lmao..
tee deez
Brand name knock offs…. Yes I can tell the difference and Its just tacky as he.ll I mean I’m hood but I aint ghetto! Dayum and plus last I checked gucci didn’t make slouch socks
@shay-d-lady, lol, hi shay! i missed ya!!
*waving*
*now doing the paw paw*
@shay-d-lady, plus last I checked gucci didn’t make slouch socks
they don’t? LOL. i’d bet millions that if slouch socks were still in style in DC, you’d see a rack of dudes rocking gucci slouch socks.
and them fugazi LV shades Rick Ross was rocking on the cover of XXL mag.
@Panama Jackson,
LOL I laughed HARD when Louis Vuitton wrote them a letter talmbout
Dear Rick Ross,
Umm… that ain’t us, dawg. You need more people, including some Koreans, an appraiser, and the dude you bought that janky ish off of on Canal Street. Can’t e’en stand by that.
Sincerely,
Vuitton an’ em
*sticks to gift certificates/cards*
unless somehow that’s a no-no too…
@maximillian, I’m cool with gift cards as long as it is one to my favorite store. Don’t give me a visa or amex gift card though.
@El, my girl got me a gift card to one of my favorite stores for my birthday last year.
f*cked me up cuz i spent MONTHS trying to figure out what to spend it on cuz i want the whole store. lol.
new guitar? naw. new amp? naw. new software? naw. new headphones? naw.
no bull. i’m STILL arguing with myself about this.
@Panama Jackson, I really need you to just buy something you really wouldn’t want to spend your own money on. I hate when people hold on to gift cards forever!
@maximillian, gift cards are acceptable, but they don’t excite me. . . i guess I like it when guys put in lots of effort to please me with their gifts… lemme know u struggled over what to get me until you found the perfect gift… and im yours! lol
@Selah,
lol, so lemme get this straight: you’d rather have a gift he put tons of effort in that you may or may not actually like than a card to allow you to purchase something you really want?
@The Champ,
Yeah, eff a struggle. I want the cash!
@Me fail english?, i’m wit u e-dopple. Show me the money.
@Me fail english?,
Exactly. As long as it’s not a gift card from some crazy store I’ve never heard of, I’m good… Shoot, I’ll even take a gift card from Whole Foods… My grocery bill stays too high!
@The Champ,
You’re missing the point…what we really want IS the struggle. What better gift than to know your honey cares that much about putting a smile on your face?
@Nikiloveli, agreed!
@Nikiloveli,
You’re missing the point…what we really want IS the struggle.
lol, i got the point. it just think the point sucks
@The Champ, yes. plus, i’ve never really been a fan of cards because what if what I want costs more than the dang card??? So then I gotta put in on it????? noooooo!!! lol
@maximillian,
I’ve always thought gift cards were kinda thoughtless. It’s kind of a last choice “I REALLY didn’t know what to get you gift”.
Gift cards are okay when they come with something else more thoughtful
Worst gift is lingerie. It sounds like a great idea, but seriously, when have you ever seen me wear a sheer onsie with cut out sides? Ummm, how about we BOTH go pick out the lingerie together? That’s sexy.
Best gift is jewelry. You can never go wrong with jewelry. Bible! Even if you buy some simple studs, I’m good
@El,
“Best gift is jewelry. You can never go wrong with jewelry. Bible! Even if you buy some simple studs, I’m good”
Let the chuuch say Amen!
@RedBeanzNRice w/Collard Greens,
*nods in complete agreement*
@RedBeanzNRice w/Collard Greens,
““You can never go wrong with jewelry. ””
Yeah you can. lol. I’ve seen women rocking bad engagement rings, tacky necklaces, Baby Phat hoops…all given to them by their men.
@iloVEGrits, one of my closest girlfriends owns a “wifey” necklace, matching bracelet and earrings “wifey” is written in script with diamond chips in it. SMH a valentine’s day gift, followed by mother’s day, followed by her birthday whenever I see her wearing them I ask her “how old are you again, almost 40 right?” …just wrong.
@Intellectual Hedonist,
I don’t know. I’m 22 and I hate the term “wifey”. It sucks. I never understood what “wifey” meant in terms of describing the significance of the other within a relationship. I mean does it mean you are taken more seriously than a girlfriend, but less seriously than a fiance? Does it mean you have wife potential, but there is something missing that keeps you just short of being an actual wife? Is it just a nickname for wife because words with the long vowel e sound cuter? Is it just a word some guys use with their girlfriends (who they will never marry) to make them feel better? What are the degrees of significance between girlfriend, wifey, wife, woman, or just calling a girl by her name, or just a nickname?I hope Champ or Panama does this topic, please. Sorry I went off on a total tangent.
@Intellectual Hedonist,
lmao! I hope she’s married, at least. Otherwise isn’t “wifey” such a lovely way to say “NOT MY WIFE”?
@Me fail english?, she is married to the buster, who keeps her laced in Porn star attire… I ask her all the time “you don’t have a problem with this” her response, “its what he likes”
I wonder what he calls her behind closed doors?
@Me fail english?,
dam lol neva thought about it like that weird how it works out like that
@El,
Worst gift is lingerie.
even lingerie from the p*rn store?
@The Champ,
ESPECIALLY lingerie from the pron shop. Unless y’all pick it out together. THAT is a different ball game alltogether
@The Champ, hmmmmm, that’s a tough one. If it’s edible, it’s good
@El,
“You can never go wrong with jewelry. ”
Da hell u can’t! I told bf to take one of my sister’s with him if we get to the engagement ring stage cuz that fool would have me in a effin Lazarus piece with his tacky arse.
Journey pendants, floating stones, “chocolate” and “champagne” diamonds, herringbones, those stupid coins… I could write a whole book on busted jewelry.
@Me fail english?, Well, for me, you can never go wrong with Jewelry. I have never dated someone that would buy me something that says “wifey” or wanted to bling me out. Soooooooo, I guess you have to know your mate. For my mates, jewelry is the best way to go.
@El,
Nah, all these girls bombing the guys about picking the perfect final gift themselves, no cards, no nothing? Call me one dude that wants the woman to surprise me with her having the freaky lingerie on that she gripped on her own. If I’ve already visualized you in it, it’s already dead.
@Stuff Ghetto People Like, just saying. Know your chick’s style. Hell, go to the mall, have her try on about 12 and then you pick one of them later. Hell, some dudes want you to put on those same red pumps regardless of how many times you wore them. Like they care if they have already visualized you in it, hell, they barely care that you are re-wearing it. RUFKM?
@El,
“RUFKM?”
Zackly – cause I got over 80 pairs of shoes in the closet and 35 of em are hooka heels. But I’ll be doggoned if my dude don’t get the same “extra excited” glaze when I rock the silver and lucites – hell, he begs for em, lol.
But yeah, as long as you’re putting any kind of effort into gettin’ sexy for them, they don’t care if you’re rockin’ repeats. Shew.
Truth be told, they ain’t lookin’ at the gear anyway – they’re looking at how fast they can get it off of you.
@RedBeanzNRice w/Collard Greens, That’s what I am talking about! Bible! I have at least 5 pairs of fu*k ‘em heels and he only likes the red ones, even when they don’t match the fit. Craziness.
@El,
“…Even if you buy some simple studs…”
why did i just picture of a bunch of miniature snoop pearson’s given as a valentines day gift?
@El,
I think that really depends on the SO… I would love some lingerie… Please get me some La Perla or Chantelle… I’ll be beyond happy. But that’s because I love lingerie and will buy it myself
if those two brands weren’t so dang expensive…So I think the lesson should be: Know your S.O.
@El,
Sheesh! I beg to differ on the jewelry comment. My ex boyfriend bought me the ugliest jewelry I’ve ever seen in my life. Talkin bout the lady at the store said I would love it. I was like that lady lied to you. I made him return it and just give me a gift card.
Stay away from technology unless specifiacally asked for or your girl is a nerd (see previous post-i see u thuggie)
For ppl in relationships…stay away from any gift that she has seen/heard/helped you buy for other female relatives or female friends etc….unless you are more than willing to give the better version of that gift to her (i.e. someone gets a ipod nano she must then get an ipod touch but stay away from tech *see above*)
Dinner,
dinner sounds good but if you have taken that chick out all the time her going out to eat is not a good story to tell her friends*see below*.
Women like to brag to they friends keep this in mind. from the super afrocentric, to the super religous/spiritual, to the nerdy “im above that” chick….yeah her too
If you do end up taking a chick out to eat (cuz you forgot said holiday, or you r really lazy or she is hard to shop for, make sure you really upgrade normal venue *see above*
@Blacklaw, Exactly, can I get a gift I can brag about please.
@El,
Though I don’t like to brag, it is still a nice story to share. Also keeps my momma off my back.
@Ivy St.,
Yes. Mothers have a special knack for making daughters feel like stir-fried isht if their dude isn’t all the way up to par. Heh heh.
@Me fail english?,
this is true. even when your daddy ain’t up to par. Lawd knows my father is missing the ‘gift giving/romance’ part of his brain.
@blackberry molasses at the National Tuberculosis Conference, maybe this is mothers trying to live vicariously through us :/
@Ivy St.,
Well them ninjas need to cut it out! Don’t get all high siddity like I don’t know your man. Pops is ignorant as hell! Ol’ stones-from-a-glass-tenement azz ninjas.
@Me fail english?, Yes, mothers have a way of saying it without words… LOL
@Blacklaw,
Stay away from technology unless specifiacally asked for or your girl is a nerd (see previous post-i see u thuggie)
I am a nerd and technophile! So anything new and high-tech is the absolute PERFECT gift for me. the worst gifts for me Stay Away from Sentimental Shyt. I do not like mushy-gushy!
I think the worst gifts are the ones that show you don’t listen/pay attention.
If your girls despises all physical activity, a ski weekend – although generous – is not, to me, a good gift!
Similarly, if she prefers edgy fashion, a $2000 shopping spree at Ann Taylor or any where similarly classic and/or preppy is not really a great gift…for her.
Some of the best gifts I’ve gotten from guys honestly came out of a neighborhood stroll on a Saturday afternoon or from an innocent comment.
One fall, years ago, I mentioned that I wanted a NorthFace coat to my then boo but didn’t want to shell out the cash (this was before I became a North Face addict!). I got one, in my fav color, for Christmas, along with a necklace I’d drolled over at a boutique one weekend late that summer (I was touched he remembered!)
When I was 22, my cat Frazier went missing in my apartment complex (yes…I know) never to be seen again. My other cat, Ali, was lonely and I mentioned it to the guy I was dating. My birthday rolls around about three weeks later…guess who got a kitten? I had that cat for 9 years.
I’ve also gotten La Perla underwear sets from an ex after admiring something through the window.
The moral here: you will never give a bad gift if listen.
@iloVEGrits,
do you name all of your cats after boxers, or is that just a coincidence?
@The Champ,
In my life time, I have named three cats after boxers. Big classic boxing fan.
@iloVEGrits,
one named tyson?lol
@The Champ, see Champy listening and paying attention pays off
@iloVEGrits, if she prefers edgy fashion, a $2000 shopping spree at Ann Taylor or any where similarly classic and/or preppy is not really a great gift…for her.
$2000 shopping spree for a birthday? da hell. oh yeah, i forgot. i’m broke. that just SOUNDS insane to me when to some folks, that’s just regular habit.
we in a recession.
@Panama Jackson, I don’t care if the streets were lined with gold and everybody could afford Navigators, 2 grand for a shopping spree? You better be Halle Berry and have the freaky deak style of Vanessa Del Rio…
I’m sorry, I meant that you should be a very nice lady
on second thought, naw, you better be a super freak for a 2 grand shoppin’ spree.
@T. Troy Stewart, and I’m not just talking about regular Halle Berry, I’m talking about Halle Berry with the Halle Berry haircut and the Kung-Fu grip.
@T. Troy Stewart,
“’Im not just talking about regular Halle Berry, I’m talking about Halle Berry with the Halle Berry haircut ”
I’m glad that men too feel that the long hair wasn’t doing her face much justice.
@iloVEGrits, and the Kung-Fu grip
@T. Troy Stewart,
“Kung-Fu grip”
wtf? As opposed to Rock em, Sock em Berry?
@Me fail english?, it’s almost as good as Etch-A-Sketch Berry that’s good with her wrists.
@T. Troy Stewart,
It ain’t trickin’ if you got it.
@Nikiloveli, most of us don’t have it in this economy unless you trickin’ and even then your pimp done traded in the Escalade for a ’87 Cimmeron w/spinner hub caps, trying to turn a profit
@T. Troy Stewart,
2racks thats a new buick for me shiiiiiii
@Panama Jackson,
$2000 shopping spree for a birthday? da hell. oh yeah, i forgot. i’m broke. that just SOUNDS insane to me when to some folks, that’s just regular habit
i assumed it was a typo, but, sh*t, 200 is still too much to spend in ann taylor
3 and 5 made me WEAK
@Saule Wright,
lol, weaker than those chairs you broke?
@The Champ,
**insert BBMo’s overloud inappropriate snicker here**
Stop.That.
I’m supposed to be uber professional today. You can’t have me snickering during conference sessions.
@The Champ,
ah, well played grasshopper!
@The Champ, bwahahaaha! u are on a roll today!
“And things named blackberry molasses”
Champ. Is that the BEST you could do? I’m disappointed.
Official score: BBMo = 1; The Champ= big ‘ol goose egg.
I agree with VEG, the worst gift is one that shows a lack of thought and that you are not paying attention to what your lady likes. It shows you really don’t know her (or women) well. Take that as you will VSB’s.
I’ll be trapped in whack conference sessions all day. Ciao bellas!
**exorbitant Diva Dust ™ tossing and overblown sashaying exit**
@blackberry molasses on her Crackberry,
“he worst gift is one that shows a lack of thought and that you are not paying attention to what your lady likes.”
Even worse, now I have to pretend I like it. :/ Am I the only one that does this?
@Ivy St.,
“Am I the only one that does this?”
No. I do it, too. Even if the gift is whack, it is the effort that counts. And it, I think, is in poor taste to get a ‘tude with the person, sulk and/or tell them they suck because they gave you a gift you didn’t like.
@iloVEGrits,
I got ‘tude from the gift I got her and guess what I have extreme reluctance to even give a damn the next time.
I’m thinkin gift card and keep it movin.
@Ivy St., i don’t pretend i like anything. i give you the “da hell am i supposed to with this face?”
i got that from my dad. you NEVER want to give him a gift he doesn’t want or need. he will straight up say to you, “that’s not what i wanted. why’d you get this?”
on the flipside, one year, my dad really wanted an umbrella. so i got him one. some old 10 umbrella and he LOVED it. 10 years later he still on some, “you know, i really liked that umbrella you got me.”
sometimes, it really is the little things.
@Panama Jackson,
“i give you the “da hell am i supposed to with this face?”
tsk. tsk.
I thought you were southern!
@iloVEGrits, unfortunately i wasn’t gifted with the fakeface gene. plus, half of my family’s European.
@Panama Jackson,
Me neither…I can never pretend I like a wack gift.
@Panama Jackson,
My dad is like that too! He sent me back one year because he ALREADY had a shirt that was SIMILAR.
*smh*
@Ivy St.,
Yeah I fake too. Im a thoughtful gift giver but if ever someone didnt like what I got and they hit me with the real??? Well that’d be the last time they got a gift, cash, shoutout, wink and nod or anything outta me.
“Oh it’s your birthday? So what you tellin me for?”
@Me fail english?,
Im a thoughtful gift giver but if ever someone didnt like what I got and they hit me with the real??? Well that’d be the last time they got a gift, cash, shoutout, wink and nod or anything outta me.
Please preach that on the mountain. I will not even feel bad crossing an ungrateful bastid from my gifts list.
As my daddy says, you better appreciate that somebody graced you even one minute of their thoughts and got you something.
@Ivy St.,
Nope I do it too. I had a boyfriend offer me a dang purple-ish, Faconnable Polo tee. I know you wish I was preppier than thou, but I am not. Why would you even buy something like this? But I just smiled and said thanks… and wore the tee-shirt on house cleaning days.
@Sula,
I received something similar one year. It was an oversized, UNC baby blue sweater that NOT even my grandmother would wear. it was the first gift he ever got me. The gifts got much better over time.
@blackberry molasses on her Crackberry,
“Champ. Is that the BEST you could do? I’m disappointed.”
i’m surprised noone has touched that yet.
@The Champ,
you know what… me too…
truce?
@The Champ,
We’re sure you hear that alot. No need to pour salt in the wounds.
@Me fail english?, LMAO!!!!
@The Champ,
““Champ. Is that the BEST you could do? I’m disappointed.” I’m surprised noone has touched that yet.”
If you only had a dollar.
Anything she doesn’t ask for or refer to while while talking.
We’re talking about women for chr*st’s sake. Every conversation goes so:
“You know, I was telling . . .” (aka the recount of EVERY boring conversation she’s had that day), which is followed by “What should I wear to [place/event]” which is quickly followed by “I’m going to die without . . . [LISTEN TO THIS PART MEN, THIS IS THE GIFT/FUTURE GOOD S*X PORTION OF THE CONVERSATION!!!]” which is followed by a short “Oh how are you” and “D*mn, I’m running late, gotta go.”
The good news is that once you know the formula, you just need to be pay attention during the “wants” portion of the talk and for the part where you say, “Same ‘ol same ‘ol” and “ok, we’ll talk more later, s*x tonight?”.
@An Island,
“You know, I was telling . . .” (aka the recount of EVERY boring conversation she’s had that day), which is followed by “What should I wear to [place/event]” which is quickly followed by “I’m going to die without . . . [LISTEN TO THIS PART MEN, THIS IS THE GIFT/FUTURE GOOD S*X PORTION OF THE CONVERSATION!!!]” which is followed by a short “Oh how are you” and “D*mn, I’m running late, gotta go.”
LOL
“7. candy from the p*rn store, even if they have a sale on snickers (her favorite)
***filed under: “sh*t the champ had to learn the hard way”***”
*giggling loudly*
‘da hell?
Can you please tell us this story???
The only bad gifts are the ones that I’ve recieved that pointed out the fact that he seriously didn’t know me and he clearly wasn’t paying attention.
@miss t-lee,
Can you please tell us this story???
no
@The Champ,
I knew you wouldn’t.
I haven’t had many men buy me gifts but for a birthday one year, I had a man buy me a naval ring. Mind you, it is pierced but I could have gotten that for myself- it’s so unpersonable.
Other bad gifts:
Any thing from the Dollar store. My cousin’s husband belives in quantity not quality, so one christmas, he bought all of her gifts from the Dollar Store (including panties. )
@Nicki Sunshine,
“he bought all of her gifts from the Dollar Store (including panties. )”
Man, that’s grounds for divorce, lol.
@RedBeanzNRice w/Collard Greens, Ain’t it though???? he would have been dead, had he been my man
@RedBeanzNRice w/Collard Greens,
divorce? i was thinking a jailhouse shanking….
@Nicki Sunshine, Dollar store
This is effed the eff up. I can see stocking stuffers… but her GIFTS? Her PANTIES?? wtf? I agree w/ Red beans.He would have done better buying and cooking dinner or something… wow.
@Nicki Sunshine,
My cousin’s husband belives in quantity not quality, so one christmas, he bought all of her gifts from the Dollar Store (including panties. )
lol, i’m sorry but you’re gonna need a few more people. i refuse to believe this is true
@The Champ, I promise and I swear. LOL. If I haven’t talked about her on so many blogs, I’d tell her to come tell u herself.
Her man is CHEAP. U should see her engagement ring.
@Nicki Sunshine,
U should see her engagement ring.
is it one of those cherry flavored ring suckers?
@The Champ, Nope, but it looks like a class ring. It’s (gasp) gold with a small green stone… I just looked at it and said, “awwwww”. I don’t lie very well. lol
@Nicki Sunshine,
LMAO! That’s worse than the Ring Pop!
@Nicki Sunshine,
You know cheapness is something that a guy you are dating can not hide. Cheap is like a glaring red STOP light. The signs are obvious very early on. This why I can not make a mistake marrying a skate. The love must have been strong.
@Blue Skyez, YES ma’am. U are not lying.. she knew he was cheap from day one but she married him any way and just complains to me about it. I say, “Umm, didn’t u know this going in?” in respsonse. lol
@Nicki Sunshine, Any thing from the Dollar store. My cousin’s husband belives in quantity not quality, so one christmas, he bought all of her gifts from the Dollar Store (including panties. )
it might be wrong, but its damn sure funny. LMAO.
@Panama Jackson, LMAO. That, it is.
I have too many worst gifts to mention. I have been given so many of those teddy bears that you get out of the machines at Dave & Busters, but I the most recent worst gift was from my ex…he knew I liked Ferro Roche chocolates, because everytime the commercial came on or we would go to the store together I would buy them. Needless to say my birthday rolls around and he told me he had a gift for me. In my mind, I was thinking, “wow, I wonder what it is…”, I got to his place, and there waiting for me, in one of those “one size fits all plastic bags”, was an industrial sized box of Ferro Roche’s he bought from BJ’s….oh yeah and a card. I liked the card more than the candy. None the less, I still to this day, have that box of Ferro Roche in my pantry. He on the other hand is history…..
@Complex Simplicity,
“was an industrial sized box of Ferro Roche’s he bought from BJ’s”
*snickering*
Those thangs do go hard though!!
@miss t-lee, Agreed….
@Complex Simplicity,
I could see not wanting to eat all that chocolate, but it actually sounds kinda thoughtful, though overdone.
@Me fail english?,
I was thinking the same thing. He was paying attention and shyt.
I don’t know, women seem to be a very complicated species to please…
@Me fail english?, it was a nice gesture,
@Complex Simplicity,
I have too many worst gifts to mention
lol, obviously a grammar textbook wasn’t one of them
@Complex Simplicity,
Sounds tasty. A listener and a whole heap of chocolate. Send some my way if you wanna go splitsies!
What about not getting her a gift at all?!?!
Also, pets and exotic plants are much appreciated. Please no more cats!
@Ivy St., not getting a gift!! WTF? Is he unemployed, saving for a house, or did ya’ll just get back from a trip? Is he really your bf. I’m confused.
@El,
LMAO!!!
Maybe he is “frugal.”
El, I’m sure you can translate.
@Ivy St., oh hell naw. NEXT!
@El,
Or feels that most holidays are BS.
The only time I feel compelled to buy anyone anything is on their birthday or Christmas. Even then, you’d be lucky to get more than two gifts in a year.
The way I see it, until I’m in such a position that I could burn a Jackson every day that year and not care, you only get a gift if I’m so moved.
As for those who feel gifts should be quid pro quo deals, I usually have one of two responses:
1. I didn’t give you something expecting anything back.
2. I don’t want anything anyway for myself. If you absolutely feel a need, get me a card or hug.
@kamakula,
I was talking about a NON-HOLIDAY gift. Who needs a holiday when you can get a gift any time. WHY MUST I WAIT for a holiday?
@kamakula, ummmmmm, yeah, no! I need gift all year round. And, I wish you would NOT acknowledge men on Valentines Day, it would be so over. Don’t believe in giving gifts… but I bet you believe in getting f**** after weddings and after concerts. You suck!
@El, correction men should be me*
@El,
Wow. Kamakula doesn’t suck – he’s just extremely linear in his thinking – read his blog – you’ll understand, lol.
But overall, he’s a nice guy.
@El, “but I bet you believe in getting f**** after weddings and after concerts”
I know that’s right!
@Ivy St.,
No, actually I don’t. I believe in getting f***** every night if possible. If it so happens there was a concert or wedding involved. . .that’s just icing on the cake.
If I never took her to a concert or wedding? I’d still believe in getting f*****.
I don’t do those things for s3x, I do them to make her happy or to enjoy spending time with her. Those two are actually quite separate in my head.
@El,
So the flucking is a compensation for the gifting?
Things you learn on vsb.
@Sula, yes. Flucking is always a reward for you doing something good. It’s like a scooby snack :p
Worst Gifts
* A framed picture of your self, signed like I’m your number 1 fan. Negro WTF is this. I know I sung Usher’s Ill Be Your Groupie to you, but that does not mean act the part and start handing out “autographed” pictures.
* The new latest bootleg mixtape, new bootleg p.o.r.n DVD
* Toe Rings
* IOU coupons – example hand made coupons stating IOU oral secks, IOU a massage, IOU a pounding, IOU dinner.
Acceptable Gifts
* Concert tickets to somewhere that I want to go
* Jewelry – This can include earrings
* Jewelry – This can include necklaces
*Jewelry – This can include bracelets and watches
@V Renee,
“* A framed picture of your self, signed like I’m your number 1 fan. Negro WTF is this. I know I sung Usher’s Ill Be Your Groupie to you, but that does not mean act the part and start handing out “autographed” pictures.”
NO WAY!!!! Really?
How tragic.
@V Renee, Usher’s Ill Be Your Groupie
i just spent the past 15 minutes trying to figure out what the hell song this was. then i realized, you’re talking about “superstar” off of Confessions. LOL.
really, i read nothing else b/c i got stuck at that part.
@Panama Jackson,
that just gets me when people confuse the chorus lyrics for the song title. Calling the radio station talking about “Can you play that song “Hey I’m getting money?!” DeeJay: “What song is that?!” Caller proceed to sing: “Took a look in the mirror said wassup heeyy I’m getting money ooooh” DeeJay: “Oh you mean “Turn My Swag On”! Why didn’t you just say so?” Happened for real on a radio station about couple of weeks ago.
nothing you can’t normally afford. Even if it fell off a truck. (well if it falls off a truck sell it on ebay or amazon and put the money in a savings account and buy it later when you can really afford it). Going big willie $ when you ain’t making big willie $ makes you look foolish w/ money. Trickin by any other name is = es trickin
@WuDaMan, i disagree Wu Wu… u should buy gifts that are nice, meaningful and it is an occassion, so it’s something that you don’t normally do. It comes around once a year. I’m not saying go spend thousands to floss and be in the hole for the next couple months… but giving a gift is a special time that should take some thought and planning and should be nice.
@pgh muse, gonna have to go ahead and disagree with you here: It comes around once a year.
unless you mean “once a year” you actually mean: birthday, christmas, anniversary, valentine’s day…
and lord forbid they all happen in the same half of the year. you can easily go broke trying to go all out, EVERY time. i say, pick the one that will mean the most to her THEN go all out.
@Panama Jackson, u are right. I’m saying tho. U don’t have to go all out, but at least make an effort. It can be a cheap something that I actually want or like. Some daffodils, a new scent, something. And u can get an inexpensive nice gift. It doesn’t have to cost a lot of money to be nice.
@WuDaMan,
Though I would like a Coach bag, I’d gladly take a dress from Express or some NON CHOCOLATE sweets.
I agree. The gift doesn’t have to be all that expensive. One shouldn’t have to save up, 3 paychecks to buy it… unless it’s a ring.
Throw something in there for my monkey too.
@Ivy St.,
“Throw something in there for my monkey too.”
Please tell me you mean an animal monkey, cause my mind goes STRAIGHT to the gutter, lol.
@RedBeanzNRice w/Collard Greens, sit down Red! lol
@overit,
“sit down Red! lol”
*kicks imaginary can and heads to the sat down corner* See? Yall don’t let me do nuthin’.
@RedBeanzNRice w/Collard Greens,
she does…and she doesn’t (if that makes any sense)
@The Champ,
Good read! Now I might see why u call yourself the Champ.
@RedBeanzNRice w/Collard Greens,
I don’t think she’s talking about an animal…lmao
@RedBeanzNRice w/Collard Greens,
Please tell me she didn’t mean animal monkey, as my mind goes straight to “Outbreak”
@Me fail english?,
BTW, I do have monkeys, medium sized critters. They are nice though so don’t think “Outbreak.” Think Lion King.
@Ivy St.,
“BTW, I do have monkeys, medium sized critters. ”
So I guess you already know the next question is:
WHY do you have monkeys? I mean, are they sock monkeys, or real, live monkeys? Are you prepping them for flight into outer space or something? *sighs* So many questions. Sorry for the extra questions, but I just never met a monkey lady before.
@Ivy St.,
Ok, this is kinda cute (altho…Lion King makes me think Rafiki, and he hit people over the head). Do they help with household tasks like Mojo Simpson?
“I never met a monkey lady before”
definitely a t-shirt
@Ivy St. and errbody, this whole thread is hilarious.
@WuDaMan,
nothing you can’t normally afford.
Word.Life. What do I look like being with a fiscally irresponsible lover? Tsk Tsk. Get me something nice and easy that reminds you of me and that is within your budget. And we’ll call it a day.
I can’t lie, I suck at gift-giving. I won’t get started on Valentine’s Day, that’s a WHOLE different can of worms. But I will say I’m terrible at getting gifts.
Which is ridiculous because I ALWAYS pay attention. Which I suppose means I’m always with a woman who changes her mind more than her shoes.
I’ve been out places and paid attention to that “Oh, that’s beautiful!” comment while walking through the mall. Except when I buy it, it ain’t what she wants no more. Tuh. The nerve.
Usually, when this happens, it’s when I stop paying attention all together. It begs the question “what’s the point?”
So I’ll just be trying to buy gifts for those that I love for real for real: mom, Sis, Nana, Grandmommy, Auntie Cuffie, etc. They are always simple even though they always say ‘I don’t want anything” around holiday time. No matter. If I got cheese, I toss the semolians on some people I really care for.
Perhaps one day I’ll live a romantic comedy like Serendipity. As of right now, I’m okay with living the first half of High Fidelity, all the way down to the COSBY SWEATAAAAH… Except I have no Frankie. Everyone needs a Frankie.
@Dante_Alexander, everybody does need a Frankie.
@Dante_Alexander,
“As of right now, I’m okay with living the first half of High Fidelity”
lol, join the club
@Dante_Alexander,
You know what I think gift giving is a trait. Some people are good at it, some just are not. My SO is not a good gift giver… at all. Lol! It was actually endearing to see him work his brain cells overtime to give a good gift. I kept telling him to just relax about it… Even a pin coming from him was cool. It’s not that big of a deal… From then on, I’ve had spa trips, care packages (it’s an ldr), etc…
My favorite was a tee that said: “Caution: Intelligent Black Woman. Handle with Care”… with an afro-wearing, sexy black lady in the back. He said it made him think of me, and I thought it was the most adorable thing. It probably cost a whole lot of $20 plus taxes, but I stay rocking my tee.
Get you a girl who is not too gung-ho about the “right” gifts and your life would be mucho easier.
i haven’t had time to play on VSB much lately, but peeking in i notice there has been an overabundance of LISTS lately. are we making up for all the many weeks that were listless??
that is all for now…
@Gem…BeThatAsItMay,
You no likey list?!?
@Ivy St.,
yeah I like lists but I don’t like mine written down. Although I like someone to have the written down list to compare me to. sort of like a test
@Gem…BeThatAsItMay, you got listbeef or something???
lists are fun. like skittles. skittles and lists? totally fun.
and tube socks. can’t forget the tube socks.
@Panama Jackson,
Yeah don’t forget the tube socks.
I like list too. Easy to read over during my busy day.
@Ivy St.,
“I like list too”
and apparently hate plural nouns.
@The Champ,
*DEAD*
@The Champ,
LISTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
@The Champ,
I love lamp.
@Gem…BeThatAsItMay,
“i haven’t had time to play on VSB much lately, but peeking in i notice there has been an overabundance of LISTS lately”
tomorrow will be our 300th entry. thats if you discount my propensity to repeat sh*t 300 different topics. if you have any suggestions, please feel free to let us know and sh*t.
if not, list deez.
I hate commenting on this phone because you can’t reply, but my homie Wu is right. It IS trickin if you ain’t got it. You will get a Lady Cameroon style side eye from me
Another is obviously self-serving gifts.
-Lingerie
-Video game system (unless she clearly expresses a desire for it– I love my Wii)
-Restaurant gift cards
-Electronic upgrades to her home that benefit YOU.
Stop that mess.
Oh, and practical gifts will make me want to choke a ninja.
@blackberry molasses on her Crackberry,
I love my blackberry too! I JUST discovered the apps for it. I’ve spent most of my morning downloading apps.
@blackberry molasses on her Crackberry, LMAO @ Lady Cameroon side eye, that was the most heartfelt, passionate, deep down from the soul side eye i ever did see. made my side eye look like gary coleman
The worst gift I’ve received is a vibrating chair messager. Or however you spell it. It’s not horrible… I just don’t use it, I’ve never opened it and will prolly regift it. Gifts are special and should be given with thought and care. And should be nice. You only give someone u really don’t give an eff about some bullshyt. Otherwise why even make the effort?
@pgh muse, i actually got my girl one of those shiatzu massagers while she was pregnant b/c she was having tremendous back pains. perhaps i goofed? she said she liked it, and used it. i tried to be practical!!!! (it wasn’t the only thing i got her, it was like one of 10 things)
@Panama Jackson,
I don’t think you goofed. I asked for one of these on my last birthday. That and a foot spa because I love pampering
@Panama Jackson, That was a great gift for your pregnant wifey
don’t listen to me and my bytch antics 
see my comment below 
@Panama Jackson, wait! you got her THE chair? I had one of these in my hotel in DC last summer…. I would sit in it every morning and night…..AAHHHH
http://www.brookstone.com/store/product.asp?product_code=572438&search_type=search&search_words=massage%20chari&prodtemp=t2&cm_re=Result*R1C1*T
@Intellectual Hedonist, that is NOT what i got lol.
@ Panama, Me Fail,
okokok…That was thoughtful of you… and maybe i’m being a BIZNOTCH cause at the time that wasn’t what i wanted. I don’t even ‘member what holiday it was purchased for… I’m actually looking at it in the corner right now
so maybe i’ll pull it out and humor m*fuck*s… i’d prolly like it lol.
@pgh muse, if you dont like it there is always E*Bay
@Intellectual Hedonist, YES! Good point! Ebay is my friend
The best gift I’ve ever gotten was a simple bouquet of flowers delivered at work.
The worst gift? A proposal. Yes, a marriage proposal. We didn’t even know each other that well – I was so creeped out I ended it immediately.
@KindredSmile,
“The worst gift? A proposal. Yes, a marriage proposal.”
Yeah. I’ve gotten three of those and each time was like “wtf?”. One of them came from a guy I’d only been dating four months. He had a ring and all. The others came from guys I’d been dating a while but I thought I’d made it clear I was not interested in marrying them. See what happens when you don’t listen?
@KindredSmile,
HAHA! I actually got one of those from a guy didn’t know too well either. I’m talking “Wow, I wasn’t even aware that I was your girlfriend…” well. Ring, bended knee by the waterfront and all. I was 18 years old and totally creeped the eff out!
@KindredSmile, The worst gift? A proposal. Yes, a marriage proposal. We didn’t even know each other that well – I was so creeped out I ended it immediately.
I get those all the damn time, wtf. It makes me think dude just goes around proposing and Ima be the one who said yes, no thanks.
you can never go wrong with those cash cards and/or traveler’s cheques (did I even spell that right?)
@T. Troy Stewart,
i love gift cards so much that i even love the bullsh*t “store credit or cash” option they give you when you have $1.73 left on it.
i usually take the cash
@The Champ,
I really feel like I came up on some surrrrous change when they hand me that $0.32 back.
@T. Troy Stewart,
I keep telling people, when in doubt, just grab me a Target gift card. I will be good.
it was my birthday. he surprised me with dinner at a restaurant i’d said i’d wanted to try. we were seated immediately, at a table overlooking the park. we talked about nothing and everything and then:
him: “so, do you like your present?”
me: “oh, yeah, it’s awesome. thanks!” (slightly disappointed that dinner was my present.)
him: i didn’t think you noticed it. i dropped it off here before i came to pick you up.
just then i noticed the stupid orchid on the table tied with a stupid little bow. i hadn’t given it a second look before then, assuming it was the restaurant’s standard centerpiece.
then he told me he bought himself one too and thought it would be cool if we both had them and nurtured them the way we’d nurture our relationship and they’d last forever. or some sh!t. i stopped paying attention after awhile.
got home, stuck it in a dark corner (after i took pictures of it with my phone and sent it to all my friends with the message: “can you believe this mothaphucka gave me a plant?!?) and watched it die. then i broke up with him.
basically, yes, keep the plants.
@GiGi, LMAO at all of this
@GiGi, he took you to dinner, right? and he gave you…nevermind, I just realized, them Zane novels hath killeth symbolism in black romance. Now you best have a killer body, a credit rating that will get you the Taj Mahal and you best not be rolling around town in less than a Nissan Sentra GXT ….
@T. Troy Stewart
giving someone a gift they have to care for (unless they asked for it) is presumptuous.
and i absolutely love the male response: “only a bad chick can have an opinion that doesn’t align with mine.” classic.
@GiGi, what about the thought behind the gift? doesn’t that count for anything?
I don’t know what you mean by that last statement. I am kinda dense when it comes to womanspeak at times.
@T. Troy Stewart,
sure, the thought was nice, i guess. except that he didn’t think about whether or not i’d like it. in a rush to make a “romantic” gesture, he completely ignored whether or not i even wanted to care for the plant that never dies (anyone ever try to kill an orchid? difficult!). just like the ladies up top who got proposals. it doesn’t count just because he thought it was a good idea. the first thoughts should always be: will she like this? does this work for her?
and i was paraphrasing your earlier second point. this is man logic: “Now you best have a killer body, a credit rating that will get you the Taj Mahal and you best not be rolling around town in less than a Nissan Sentra GXT… if you’re going to be hating on gifts.”
@GiGi,
lol @ u tryna kill the orchid! They usually require a lot of care and are very easy to kill. Maybe that was a sign that his love was undying! lol.
That is BS though, to think someone would want to take care of that ish. At the end of the day it’s a flower and flowers do not a gift make. No matter how pricey!
@GiGi, you’ve tried to kill an orchid LOL…throwing it off a building usually works for me…
about the sentiment behind the gift, it seems, to me, that would have been a good time to tell ol’ fella what you thought of his gift…well, I guess you did, huh? Perhaps you were looking for an out and he handed you one with the orchid? Let me stop with the bootleg Dr. Phil routine….
my comment was about what a woman expected in a man: Good credit, good bod and good car…
@T. Troy Stewart,
my bad, troy, i misinterpreted the “taj mahal” et al comment.
@GiGi, No prob, we all in the same gang…except them ninjas from Tampa…quarantine them ninjas!
@GiGi,
awwww. I don’t think this was that bad. lol.
The lil speech would have made me queasy but, still…
lol.
@iloVEGrits, i thought it was a nice gift. Dinner and orchids. Me likey.
@pgh muse, right? i don’t understand what the problem eyuh! the part about nurturing it was a bit..wack lol, but overall, nell carter!
@overit,
You killing me with Nell Carter… Didn’t you put her in a baby tee the other day!?! LOL
@GiGi,
All this illustrates is that there is a limit to which I can predict female behavior, wants, and desires.
My MO, if I am actually going to get a woman a gift and she’s the type who makes a fuss (either immediately or days later) about such things is to give them two options:
A. tell me what you want.
B. you will get a card.
I think I’m starting to see why many people just don’t like me. . .
@kamakula,
I think I’m starting to see why many people just don’t like me. .
me too
@The Champ,
LMAO!!! Champy, have you been taking your “mean a-hole”pills today?
@Me fail english?,
lol…its all love and sh*t
@kamakula,
i’m totally cool with this!
@GiGi,
Dang…that was kinda cold.
@CreoleInDC,
sheesh. it’s not like i told him i hated it and threw it to the ground while he was standing there. i did was i was supposed to do: pretended to like it, then ripped it and him to shreds when i got with my friends later. stupid orchid (in this case) = bad chex.
not really seeing the problem with that. lol.
@CreoleInDC,
kinda?? that was frosty with a side of icicles.
@GiGi,
A single flower is cheap, eff the supposed symbolism.
You give a chick a single flower, and she’s going to be pissed, this is normal. All the sweet words in the world can’t change the fact that for your girlfriend’s birthday all you could manage was a single flower, and a DUTCH birthday dinner.
Eff that.
@Big Man,
Orchids can actually be quite expensive depending on how rare and temperamental they are. The more difficult the species, the more care/attn a horticulturist (not even a regular florist) has to give to keep it thriving. But seeing as how she couldn’t make the bitch die…yeah, she shoulda cut his azz
@Me fail english?, I have a cousin who is an orchidologist… he has very rare species in his home and a couple that are close to extinction. I second your sentiment.
@GiGi,
Wow. See, people should know their SOs for real. I would have LOVED that gift. It means so much, plus orchids are thee best flowers ever.
I can enjoy practical gifts depending on whether or not I would have bought it for myself.
The best gift in recent memory was a navi system. I kept getting lost going to bf’s crib. We were fairly new (only dating like a month and still not official) so the only thing he really knew about me was that we both suck with directions. I love my navi system. It talks to me and everything.
@Me fail english?, I got the Ma’am a Navi system for Christmas and she has that thing sounding like Hugh Grant now LOL.
@T. Troy Stewart,
Mine’s a lady but I call her “Rupert”
edit: haha
@Me fail english?,
“It talks to me and everything.”
Yeah, it’s always nice to have someone or something to talk to on long trips in the car.
A vacuum cleaner.
Salt and pepper shakers for Valentine’s Day.
@CreoleInDC,
“Salt and pepper shakers for Valentine’s Day.”
I think that means he don’t want to be served no bland turtle. (c) Yaa.
@RedBeanzNRice w/Collard Greens,
bwaahahaa.
@RedBeanzNRice w/Collard Greens,
Humph. What it meant was, and I QUOTE: “There was this HUGE line over by the jewelry but NOBODY was over by the housewares and I didn’t want to pick you up late!”
@CreoleInDC,
Oh shet! Please tell me by “quote” you just mean “think due to a generally cynical mindset”…
lmao@ him keepin it funky like that.
@Me fail english?,
No ma’am pressed ham. That was a DIRECT quote from my husband.
@CreoleInDC,
He so gansta! Lol! I love it.
@RedBeanzNRice w/Collard Greens, LMAO!!!
the worst gift ever… Everyone in my family including my parents forgot my Birthday…. IT SUCKED!!!!
My Birthday falls around Memorial Day so when I was little the parade in our town started near my house, my parents had me believe it was for me up until I was about 8 I believed that oh and my dad always came in in the morning and sang me a song in Spanish complete with him strumming the acoustic guitar. Well on my 10 th birthday I was going to New Hampshire on a school trip and in an effort to make sure I left the house by 4am my parents forgot. Since then I make sure they never forget. To this day when my mom puts up her new calendars in the house. I write my birthday in (all of) them and make sure we cook out on or around my birthday and always make a big deal about it. Which why I celebrate my birthday all summer, since it is the official kick off to summer. Nuff Said. Happy Birthday to me!
@Intellectual Hedonist,
***things less boring than ih’s retelling of her depressing childhood birthday rituals***
staring at my business cards
calling comcast
swallowing saliva
opening my refrigerator door
pondering the origin and idea behind the paperclip
@The Champ,
*cleans out desk*
LMMFAO! Damn it Champ!
Someone give dude a hug and a fresh batch of bacon toast or whatever it is you eat all day.
@The Champ,
You are in
meanrare form today!!! Dry spell huh?!?!?!?!@The Champ,
LMAO.
@The Champ,
“***things less boring than ih’s retelling of her depressing childhood birthday rituals***”
doing The Champ
@Intellectual Hedonist,
That is horrible!
Random aside: My spirit has been disturbed by the fashion TRAGEDIES I have seen since my arrival in ATL. I know y’all aren’t a fashion destination… but the following are UNACCEPTABLE:
*The barista at Starbucks wearing the rough and unneccessary BURGUNDY lace front wig with the baby hair. Did I mention ol’ girl was 2520?
*The dude on the subway wearing a muscle shirt… with muscles AIRBRUSHED onto it. But wait… not just muscles… the interior view, as if you had cut off his skin. Oh, he designed it himself and was selling them. Oh yeah, and he had NO BUSINESS wearing it, since there were no discernable real muscles on his frame to begin with. Oh, and he was wearing said shirt with over-long plaid man-pris and what looked to be a belt holding plastic M-16 shell casings.
Imma need the ATL to do better. Thanks.
@blackberry molasses at the National Tuberculosis Conference,
“The dude on the subway wearing a muscle shirt…”
lol. Was he also holding a smoking, glass pipe?
@Me fail english?,
Was he also holding a smoking, glass pipe?
hahahaha!!
@blackberry molasses at the National Tuberculosis Conference, lawd. LMAO!!! wow! Hilarity is ensuing.
LMAO!!! Gifts that I have received that made me wanna smack him down:
1. A foot soaker for my birthday. His words: You are always doing so much for us and you are always on your feet. My thoughts: Thats because you are a lazy a$$ good for nothing ninja & you are training my kids to be the same way!!
2. A vacuum cleaner with about 100 attachments for Christmas. His words: I thought about you when I saw it because I know how you like to clean & this way you could use all the attachments and clean EVERYTHING. My thoughts: SEE ABOVE.
3. A fake Coogi sweater. I was in highschool & my then boyfriend purchased it for me. I didnt know it was fake until I wore it to school….KIDS CAN BE SO CRUEL!!
4. A fake Coach bag. Same dude. Nobody but me knew it was a fake but the Coogi sweater incident ruined me for life so I eventually stopped carrying it.
5. Flowers from the people that sell them on the side of the road. Not only are the flowers NOT nice but it is a lazy gift. I only got them because the light was RED….DO BETTER!!!
6. A handwritten card letting me know that you are really feeling me & that it is time we moved to the next level & that you’ve already spoken to your mom & your doctor about me and that your mom wants to meet me and that your doctor suggests that we come in for STD testing. (MET DUDE ON FRIDAY….HE GAVE ME THE CARD ON SUNDAY)
**I WISH I WAS MAKING THESE UP…MY LOVE LIFE SUCKS!!**
@Yaa,
Girl, you got dudes tyrna feed you turtle and alligator, dudes buyin’ you swap-meet accessories, and dudes tryna tell you yo foots is crusty. Where in the world do you meet these fools?
You really need to move to a new city, lol.
@RedBeanzNRice w/Collard Greens,
“crusty foots” is sooo much worse than crusty feet.
*shudders*
@RedBeanzNRice w/Collard Greens,
Girl, you got dudes tyrna feed you turtle and alligator, dudes buyin’ you swap-meet accessories, and dudes tryna tell you yo foots is crusty
LOL, you make it sound like she’s been dating bobby boucher’s mom
@Yaa,
You sure know how to pick ‘em!
And why is it that men think women like to clean?
Papa English: I was thinking bout gettin your mama a new laundry basket or smthg. You know how she feels about the laundry. *grinning idiot face*
Me Fail: No. How does she feel about laundry? *perplexed*
Papa English: She be all smilin’ and stuff while she foldin. I be seein’ her!
Me Fail: I dunno pop, it is her 50th…
Papa English: SHE GON LOVE IT! Pink or red?
@Me fail english?,
“Papa English: She be all smilin’ and stuff while she foldin. I be seein’ her!
Me Fail: I dunno pop, it is her 50th…
Papa English: SHE GON LOVE IT! Pink or red?”
**insert literal, workplace inappropriate LOL.** I think I actually burned some calories, there. Good job, Papa English.
What did Mama E say?!
@Nikiloveli,
Would you believe she read him the riot act and he STILL was tryna convince her that she really, really loved to do the laundry. He took her on a trip to New Orleans as well for her 50th and made her seafood at home when they got back. I believe that’s the only reason his jugular wasn’t cut
@Me fail english?,
I love Papa and Mama English sooo much! Lol!
Bwahaha!
@Me fail english?, LMAO!!! OH MY GOD…I am on a conference call right now trying not to laugh!! YALL CRAZY!
@Yaa,
This is also the man who buys “Congrats Son on your Graduation!” cards to say he’s sorry(True story, and I have no brothers). So we don’t expect much. smh
@Me fail english?,
***Off to screenprint Papa English fan club tshirts***
Who’s buying?
@Nikiloveli,
“Who’s buying?”
I got 5 on it!
@Nikiloveli, count me in
@Nikiloveli,
Please make a whole batch, the fan club is sure to widen. Lol!
@Me fail english?,
“Papa English: SHE GON LOVE IT! Pink or red?”
Why, man – just why?!! I could imagine him cheezin’ – all proud that he knew zackly what to get her, like “bump what you talm bout the 50th – but wasn’t sure about the color. LMAO – Girl, that right there made my day!!
)
My husband is the absolute worst gift giver in the history of dispensation.
To wit:
1. Mother’s Day: Magical Womb Sounds stuffed bear. I was not pregnant.
2. V-day: Giant stuffed frog, holding heart that says “I Love You.” Immediately re-gifted…to the dog.
3. Another V-day: A custom cake. Lemon Creme (his favorite.), and three roses, tied in a bow. Not a single rose. Not a dozen roses. Three. W.T.F.?!
4. Christmas: Gift Card to Motherhood Maternity, purchased while I stood just outside said store, having just run out and proclaimed that I would surely catch hives if forced to spend another moment within. At least I was actually pregnant this time.
5. Mother’s Day, again: a fetus.
@Nikiloveli,
Actually #5 is a sweet one, unless he actually gave you a fetus, like from a cadaver or something.
But yeah, I’m gonna assume you meant you ended up pregnant on Mother’s day, so #5 ain’t so bad.
@RedBeanzNRice w/Collard Greens,
*Literally LOL!!*
Damnit, Red! I literally just pictured someone handing her a jarred baby like, “Thanks for the memories” and shyt.
bwahahaaha! *collapses*
@Me fail english?, OMG I think I love you… cause I pictured the same damn thing
@RedBeanzNRice w/Collard Greens,
Actually #5 is a sweet one, unless he actually gave you a fetus, like from a cadaver or something
CLMBO
@RedBeanzNRice w/Collard Greens,
“Actually #5 is a sweet one, unless he actually gave you a fetus, like from a cadaver or something”
Why are you and Me Fail conspiring against my financial health and safety today? My abs ache, and no one believes I am doing anything even mildly work-related anymore.
Perhaps I should clarify: My two children are 12 years, and 10 months old, respectively, and I like it that way. I was not HARDLY ready for that second pink line to pop up. Plus, I just got back to pre-baby weight! “Happy Mother’s Day, and kept up the good work. No really. Keep it up. ” Who the hell died and left me Fertile Myrtle? FOH, ovaries!
@Nikiloveli, girl. i hear u. my kids are close in age… but damn them ovaries… oh well. Science takes care of that shyt. mwahahaha!
@RedBeanzNRice w/Collard Greens,
“Actually #5 is a sweet one, unless he actually gave you a fetus, like from a cadaver or something.”
Clawd have mercy!!!!
*luaghing*
@Nikiloveli,
1. Mother’s Day: Magical Womb Sounds stuffed bear. I was not pregnant
I think that’s a cute one (or maybe my ovaries are in overload)… Doesn’t it mean he wants and is ready to be a daddy and shyt… It’s so awwww-inducing….
Worst gifts to give a Guy
-stuff we already have- ima Raider fan I was datin this chick she was at my place everyweekend for like 4-5 months and she buys me the same raiders shot glass i already had. I was like duhhhhhhh ya dummy
-stuff you think we should have- some stuff I dont own for a reason dont buy me no lime green/neon orange outfit i dont care if puffy or russ made it or not i dont wear that stuff and will neva wear it. exp. vacuum, lawnmorer (thats the first time i eva spelled it *u never use in in a sentence*)
Best Gifts (come from the heart)
-Trees- If you buy me some grapes im in love and ill share lol
-Socks-no lie I got some thick Raider socks one year and i still wear them mofo like crazy I hate houseshoes so i jus walk around in socks
-Protien Shakes- you can never fail with those
-Anything Raiders- Thats my team and I go to the games so I need gear
@BLUNTBLAZER,
Ugh @ you – GO NINERS! The YaY all day – everyday! My fiance is a Raider’s fans too; and both of yall some straight up busters.
RED AND GOLD, baby! Yep, I said it – even though I bought him Raider’s stuff for Christmas a few years back, lol.
Reason being: Giving gifts to those you love should always be about what THEY like/want, not what you want them to like/have.
@RedBeanzNRice w/Collard Greens,
pink and gold you mean lol
@BLUNTBLAZER,
“-Anything Raiders”
*shops for third shot glass for BLUNT’s upcoming bday
*
@Me fail english?,
yea and my b-day comin up in aug i bet ill get anotha one
@BLUNTBLAZER,
“-stuff you think we should have”
**nodding head**
A RING! Unless you are proposing, I don’t want a ring.
Actually for me jewelry in general. I don’t wear it, it’ll rust in my closet with the rest.
Sex. We get that all the time. It’s not special because it’s my birthday. It’s the same sex you gave me 3 days ago
Worst gift I’ve ever gotten…
My ex and I officially met in NYC. For Valentine’s day he got me all these stupid little NYC trinkets. I can see why he thought it’d be a good idea. But it was horrible.
He also gave me a fake fish tank. Cause I said I wanted a fish.
Meanwhile I’m killin myself trying to find a book that has been out of circulation for a couple decades cause he just couldn’t stop talkin about it
@Imperfect,
RUST?!?! what kind of jewelry have u been receiving and/or wearing?
@Ivy St.,
lol. Word, I’d be pissed if dude gave me iron earrings too.
@Imperfect,
“Meanwhile I’m killin myself trying to find a book that has been out of circulation for a couple decades cause he just couldn’t stop talkin about it”
You are a good person.
@Imperfect, “It’s the same sex you gave me 3 days ago”
LMAO!!!!
@Imperfect,
I refuse to let myself get into a most thoughtful gift competition. I’d rather not get anything than have to deal with that nonsense (that’s what it is to me).
But I guess it is partly my view on gifts in general. I t is just not an expectation of mine. What I love most about my birthday or holidays is reconnecting with friends and family. In fact, when there is something I want, I want to be the person that get’s it for myself.