imagine that you’re in a perfectly happy relationship.
but, a deadly combination of an unusually stressful week (you just got demoted at work for a monkey. not a figurative monkey either. your boss decided that placing a real, live monkey in your old position would be more productive than keeping you there. and, after a couple of days, you realized that he was right. plus, you’re a redskins fan, and the monkey oddly favors jason campbell), an unusually compassionate blind blasian stripper, and an unusually strong ultimate zombie pushed you off the cheating cliff once three months ago.
yet, there’s no residual damage (std’s, torn hamstrings, m.s.c.s.r.’s¹ etc), no evidence (the blind stripper is afflicted with the same condition as guy pierce in memento, a fact which made them a quite sympathetic lay), and, most importantly, absolutely no chance that you’ll ever do it again. you’re happy, you have no need or desire to ever step out of your relationship again, the thought of what you did fills you with guilt and regret, and there’s no chance that your wife will ever find out on her own.²
usually, this is the part of the blog where i’d ask the women of vsb some open-ended question about honesty and full-disclosure and whether they’d want their significant others to divulge that information to them, while ending my query with some theory about what your answer really says about you.
and, i was actually planning on doing exactly that, until i realized that the vast majority of you all would probably just end up saying some variant of “actually, sometimes its best not to know everything. i wouldn’t want to know“…and you’d be right
although the idea of choosing to be willfully ignorant initially wouldn’t sit too well with most of you, you’d eventually realize that your naiveté is actually the most optimal and rewarding solution in this situation, considering the unique circumstances. there’s really no good reason to be made aware of this info. “plus”, you’d be thinking to yourself, “his guilty conscience would be his punishment, no need to upset myself about it too.”, and this would be a perfectly mature and pragmatic response
but…what if the stripper was a man?
¹ miscelleaneous strip club skunky residue
² filing entire entry under “topics men currently in relationships probably shouldn’t blog about, for obvious reasons“, and by “men currently in relationships”, i mean “i”
—the champ
Related posts:
{ 53 comments… read them below or add one }
Dayum! I was not expecting that twist. I was ready to say don’t say anything, but in this case full disclosure is a must.
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The Champ {November 4th, 2009 at 10:50 am}
@Leila,
I was ready to say don’t say anything, but in this case full disclosure is a must.
why?
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Sula {November 4th, 2009 at 1:53 pm}
@The Champ,
Because there are a lot of things at play in the case of a stripper-man… Some minor things like how our whole relationship might be a lie because you are attracted to males?
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The Champ {November 4th, 2009 at 3:07 pm}
@Sula,
what if the guy is attracted to males…and still extremely attracted to and in love with you? is the relationship a lie then?
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Me fail english? {November 4th, 2009 at 3:30 pm}
@The Champ,
Prob not a lie. But def a mistake. So if he’s in love and with me he probably thought he’d be satisfied in a monogamous relship with me. But I call BS on that one. Denying a bi man wenis meat, is like denying a hetero man …pink (black (c) Taco Bell?
)”taco” meat. Just won’t work. Bi people should just have open rel’ships with someone who knows what they like. Anything else is gonna end ugly.
Sula {November 4th, 2009 at 3:45 pm}
@The Champ,
The relationship is not a lie, but my not-knowing is like what somebody accurately described as emotional kidnapping. Let me make that decision for myself… Don’t make it for me. Let me assess whether or not “sacrificing” your true self (I do believe homosexuality is a character trait and can’t be changed) for the sake of loving me and our relationship is worth it.
I like to have as much control over the decisions I make as possible. In not sharing that tidbit, you are depriving me of this privilege. Based on that only, you should go.
Panama Jackson {November 4th, 2009 at 11:49 am}
@Leila, yeah, i want to know too. i understand you want to know and all, but what all of a sudden makes it different?
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Hell I still wouldnt want to know…
but I would think if he was susceptible to men you would have some clue before hand
Im just saying, as a man you dont one day decide to take or give another man some dyck out the blue….
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sweet and sour chicken with a glass of wine {November 4th, 2009 at 5:40 am}
@shay_d_lady, true he doesn’t just wake up and decide. But what if he had done it in the past way, way before he met you and understanding how society views it, stopped it because he
1. loved women more
2. it was just one person he cared about
3. it was abuse at some early stage in his life
He loves women and he loves you but like Champ said he slipped up. And you really didn’t know the background cause as a (mostly) a straight man you know no woman will give you time of day if you told her this and you really want the white picket fence, two kids and all?
What if?
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shay_d_lady {November 4th, 2009 at 9:09 am}
@sweet and sour chicken with a glass of wine,
what if ?
what if nothing, its only a shock if its a man if you dont know his past. I would think that if that is part of his past I woudld already know about it and have accepted it. And if thats the case its like I stated at the very beginning, I dont care to know about a 1 time thing, male or female because it would end the relationship for me……I would rather stay in the dark about a single indiscretion..however I dont believe in single indiscretion as a rule.. there’s always an exception but most of the time, you cheat once, you ll cheat twice….
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sweet and sour chicken with a glass of wine {November 4th, 2009 at 6:01 am}
@shay_d_lady,
Seriously though this is the one thing I can’t deal with though. I think this is probably the one thing that would drive me crazy. The thing is in most African countries homosexuality is criminal. I don’t agree with that but the intolerance levels are insane. Success when you are gay is 0.000000000000000001% possible. The possibility of death is high. Being disowned by your family is almost a given.
However given the fact that education is very important in most African countries most schools are all girl or all boy schools.At that age when the hormones are at an all time high and you’re in boarding school three months at a time with hardly any opportunity to see a girl. Sh!t happens that many take to the grave. The they finish school spend university paying back by chasing anything and everything remotely in a skirt. Finish. Get a good job and at the time your mama starts bugging you, you give in find a good girl and get married.
Then it’s over or it comes back and because you still see those guys still know them and go for business trips and conferences it starts again.
Society is much smaller here and the perks of being married are too many. The stigma and life as a divorced woman is so much harder so many just cut out the nooky and become married in name only never telling anyone. I used to think I’d kill someone then I read a blog with a woman in that situation, only then did I appreciate how difficult it can be and with the children what do you do? Read on http://mrs-no-soul.blogspot.com/2009/03/opening-up.html
You think you’ve got down low?
We’ve got six foot under and digging to the devil’s basement.
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The Champ {November 4th, 2009 at 11:01 am}
@sweet and sour chicken with a glass of wine,
welcome and sh*t (i think), and thanks for sharing…alot
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sweet and sour chicken with a glass of wine {November 4th, 2009 at 12:00 pm}
@The Champ,
thanks though I’ve been here a while just changed up the screen name. Sorry it’s a huge fear of mine. And in a country where gay men can’t be gay they got the game 100 goals to nil. There are those you can spot which is fine but a whole lot of them are up burying the signs and some times with the help of their fams. A mother is goin to welcome a daughter in law knowing her son is bi or gay and work with him to pull the wool over her eyes just so the son has a chance in society and she still get’s the grandkids..
****thisrighthereismyworstnightmare**
P.S. Champ I’m finaly watching the Wire … been totally hooked since I started
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The Champ {November 4th, 2009 at 12:28 pm}
@sweet and sour chicken with a glass of wine,
P.S. Champ I’m finaly watching the Wire … been totally hooked since I started
this makes me happy and sh*t
The Champ {November 4th, 2009 at 10:57 am}
@shay_d_lady,
as a man you dont one day decide to take or give another man some dyck out the blue…
LOL, this literally made me laugh aloud
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however I call foul on the whole premise because stress happens and as happy as you are, if the situations came together once, odds are they will come together again, and if you arent strong enough in this instance to say no to a MAN when you are “straight” which means in my head that the temptation wasnt that strong, you were just that weak……..or in complete denial about your s.e.xual identity….
Im just gone say I think that is a very Tameka/Mashonda way of looking at your relationship….the glass aint always half full…. a lot of times that mug is dayum near empty and just tilted…
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kamakula {November 4th, 2009 at 12:29 pm}
@shay_d_lady,
Lol, I love your prisoner’s dilemma aka Hobson’s choice for those of you born before the 80s. If you are unable to say no to a man then you must be gay because no temptation is that strong. And if the temptation is that strong then you must be “confused” because no straight man is that gay.
Face it Champ, This is one story you must keep to yourself.
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I am not a part 0f the school that says ” I wouldn’t want to know”. Just tell me the truth and you’d be surprised what i’ll work with if you tell me the truth, and not because you’re about to get caught.
If it was with a man I especially want to know. I ask dudes I date if they are bi, gay, bi curious etc… if they say they are, that’s cool. Live your best life. they just are not someone I want to pursue a relationship with. I would feel completely betrayed if my husband laid down with another man and thought it was ok to keep it from me. Much like shady lady said “you dont one day decide to take or give another man some dyck out the blue”.
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The Champ {November 4th, 2009 at 11:03 am}
@Satya,
I am not a part 0f the school that says ” I wouldn’t want to know”. Just tell me the truth and you’d be surprised what i’ll work with if you tell me the truth, and not because you’re about to get caught
in the scenario i wrote about though, what is the value in knowing just for the sake of knowing?
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Sula {November 4th, 2009 at 1:56 pm}
@The Champ,
Not “just for the sake of knowing”, for the sake of leaving.
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Mini {November 4th, 2009 at 5:42 pm}
@Satya,
“I would feel completely betrayed if my husband laid down with another man and thought it was ok to keep it from me. ”
So if it were another woman it would be ok to keep it from you.
Cheating is cheating, don’t care who it’s with man, woman, shemale. You’re a wrap. The End. Roll the credits.
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Satya {November 5th, 2009 at 1:03 am}
@Mini, keeping infidelity with a woman from me is wrong as well.
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honestly if the man was strsight you should have included this scenario in yesterdays post. LOL
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The Champ {November 4th, 2009 at 11:09 am}
@shay d lady,
the cheating part?
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What the hell Champ, i was thinking were was he going with this and then boom you throat punch me. I don’t even know where to start………
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JamaicanGirl {November 4th, 2009 at 1:41 am}
@JamaicanGirl, Ok i think in that case i would absolutely positively want to know. Of course it would hurt even more.
BTW my ex boyfriend is now gay!
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Monk {November 4th, 2009 at 9:48 am}
@JamaicanGirl,
Sure he wasn’t already gay?
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Me fail english? {November 4th, 2009 at 10:37 am}
@Monk,
That ninja was DEFINITELY already gay. It was her job to set him straight and she failed. Thanks alot, Jamaican Girl! Hmph!
Haha j/k
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The Champ {November 4th, 2009 at 11:10 am}
@Me fail english?,
LOLOL
JamaicanGirl {November 5th, 2009 at 12:55 am}
@Me fail english?, *hangs head in shame* He was not gay before (i hope).
An Island {November 4th, 2009 at 10:05 am}
@JamaicanGirl,
I wonder how many women here have found out later that their man is gay? Especially since one of the common lines women say to dude or their friends after being told to bounce is, “Yeah he dumped me, but I think he’s gay.”
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miss t-lee {November 4th, 2009 at 10:22 am}
@An Island,
I met a kat a few years ago, we went out on 2 dates. Nothing ever happened between us, no touching, kissing, much less anything else. I just figured it was because we didn’t click. He moved and we lost touch. About a year later he contacted me through a mutual friend, and when we started catching up he told me he had a boyfriend. I was just like…wow. I wasn’t upset, I was more relieved that we hadn’t progressed into anything further.
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Me fail english? {November 4th, 2009 at 10:39 am}
@miss t-lee,
There was a guy my sister went to HS with that acted like he was absolutely in love with her. I think he just wanted to be her cuz years later, the rumor is that he’s in gay porn. I havent found it yet, but I NOBODY put it past him.
miss t-lee {November 4th, 2009 at 11:58 am}
@ me fail english?,
Wow…lol
charli skipper {November 4th, 2009 at 1:19 pm}
@An Island,
“I wonder how many women here have found out later that their man is gay?”
There are at least 2 guys who’ve approached me wanting to date that i really, truly thought were gay. and wanted to help them come out. like, not in a mean way at all, but seriously. first of all, NTTAWWT, but you not gone be f’in my self esteem all up by coming out AFTER we date. and secondly, it’s definitely so cool that we can swap “real housewives of new jersey” comments. but it’s not right.
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An Island {November 4th, 2009 at 5:12 pm}
@charli skipper,
What do you mean by they wanted you to help them come out? They wanted a girlfriend who they could talk to about how hard their day was and how hard their male friends make them? I’m lost.
charli skipper {November 4th, 2009 at 5:37 pm}
@An Island,
“What do you mean by they wanted you to help them come out?”
I mean I wanted to be like, “Do I want to see your bedroom? Honey, you’re gaaaaaaaaaaaaaay. Let’s watch Tyra.”
An Island {November 4th, 2009 at 6:31 pm}
@charli skipper,
LOL
The Champ {November 4th, 2009 at 11:12 am}
@JamaicanGirl,
Ok i think in that case i would absolutely positively want to know
why? what difference would it make if everything else in the scenario (there’d be no evidence, residuals, and no chance that it would ever happen again) stayed true?
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AnonyMiss {November 4th, 2009 at 12:34 pm}
@The Champ,
….well because realistically there is a chance that it could happen again if it happened once. Plus, if he’s into guys then we may really have some serious problems because then its possible he might be confused and not really be into women which would be a problem….
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Sula {November 4th, 2009 at 2:01 pm}
@The Champ,
no chance that it would ever happen again
In this case, the chances are greater because what you have at home is DIFFERENT than what you sought outside. The blind blasian girl stripper has something you, the wife, can somewhat provide (short of being blind and blasian)… The blind blasian male stripper offers something, you will NEVER be able to provide.
Plus, if he is into male strippers, he should be intomale strippers and not me.
I don’t want a repressed and depressed individual as a partner.
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The Champ {November 4th, 2009 at 3:11 pm}
@Sula,
P”lus, if he is into male strippers, he should be intomale strippers and not me.”
why not?
also,
“The blind blasian male stripper offers something, you will NEVER be able to provide.”
dont women have anuses too?
Sula {November 4th, 2009 at 3:39 pm}
@The Champ,
P”lus, if he is into male strippers, he should be intomale strippers and not me.”
why not?
Simply because I like my men heterosexual.
dont women have anuses too?
Homosexual intercourse is defined by who the person is having chex with rather than where on the body said chex is happening… Hope that answers your question.
Panama Jackson {November 4th, 2009 at 11:52 am}
@JamaicanGirl, BTW my ex boyfriend is now gay!
turned him out, huh? and how did this make you feel…on the inside?
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JamaicanGirl {November 5th, 2009 at 1:04 am}
@Panama Jackson, Ouch, i felt that one!
I def had no idea he was gay, we were friends prior to dating and he gave no clues. After we broke up he dated plenty other girls but i suppose eventually he decided that was not enough. We did have a conversation about him being gay and his response was that he always knew he was kind of different. He tried to bury the way he felt about men by dating women because he thought it was wrong for two men to be together, but eventually he felt like he was not being honest to himself so he came out the closet.
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I would need to know man/woman/animal/mineral because stds run rampant and if you gave me a gift I can’t return, you may wake up dead. fin.
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Satya {November 4th, 2009 at 1:44 am}
@VeronicaCorningstoneD, LMAO @ “mineral”
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The Champ {November 4th, 2009 at 11:14 am}
@VeronicaCorningstoneD,
I would need to know man/woman/animal/mineral because stds run rampant and if you gave me a gift I can’t return, you may wake up dead. fin.
***gently asking ms corningstone to read the 3rd paragraph of my hypothetical scenario again***
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The One & True GEM... of the Ocean {November 4th, 2009 at 11:30 am}
@VeronicaCorningstoneD,
but Champ implicitly stated in the post that there was NO std or any other “residuals” of the indiscretion.
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VeronicaCorningstoneD {November 4th, 2009 at 2:54 pm}
@The One & True GEM… of the Ocean,
@Champ
I have been gently reminded lol. My bad, my bad. I blame long hours reading psych research articles for my actions. iSorry. Anyhoo…
I would still want to know because either way, you stepped out on me homie. and once I get done putting everything you own in a box to the left, maybe one day I could laugh about it because the story is truly one of a kind lol.
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There is this proverb “tou manti pa fon”-> lie’s grave is shallow?
.
Therefore, the truth will eventually come to light. The sooner you fess up to the breach, the faster things get resolved. The relationship will be healthier. Things get more compounded when you prolong
sh!t. I would want my partner to confess whether he cheated with a man, woman or in between
Trust before love. I don’t want to be kept in the dark. I trust you to let me know what’s up when the relationship is good, bad, and ugly.
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The Champ {November 4th, 2009 at 11:17 am}
@SnijanaFleur,
Therefore, the truth will eventually come to light
not always, at least not on earth at least.
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I’d want to know either way. And I’d tell my significant other if something similar happened to me as well. I think not disclosing such information as cheating (with a man or woman) bases the relationship from that point forward on a lie. Because had I known, I may have/may not have done some things differently. And your non-disclosure deprived me of making the best decision for myself.
Plus in dealing with secsuality, there should be no secrets.
And if I can’t trust you to tell me about a small indiscretion, how can I rust you to tell me something major? If it’s never gonna happen again, tell me that too. But let me know so I can decide what I want to do in regards to our relationship
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HabitualLineCrossa {November 4th, 2009 at 2:57 am}
@Imperfect, “And if I can’t trust you to tell me about a small indiscretion, how can I rust you to tell me something major? ”
So you mean to tell me if your man came back and told you about a sexual indiscretion, especially one involving the same sex, it possibly wouldn’t be considered something major?? I mean what would be more major than that?
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Me fail english? {November 4th, 2009 at 9:54 am}
@HabitualLineCrossa,
Women are usually more forgiving (than men) about infidelity. But if he’s a bisexual I’m going to go ahead and guess I have no shot in hell at making this man happy in a monogmaous relship. The other option is that he’s completely gay and he’s been lying to me (drawing my ire/contempt) or he’s been lying to himself (which makes me pity him). Either way, there’s no way to salvage a rel’ship if the guy is just not that into it. If he had any respect for me at all he should tell me everything and let me cut my losses.
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Me fail english? {November 4th, 2009 at 9:54 am}
@Me fail english?,
I meant
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The One & True GEM... of the Ocean {November 4th, 2009 at 11:36 am}
@Me fail english?,
im inclined to completely agree with you.
but i dont think any man who has “down low” secrets would ever confront his current woman-lover about it. its safe to be “normal” and if he has a chance at getting away with it then he will certainly try.
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Me fail english? {November 4th, 2009 at 11:54 am}
@The One & True GEM… of the Ocean,
Yeah, I think most gay/bisexual people never come out of the closet to anyone. Some dont even seem to admit it to themselves (bicurious? wtf is that?). I’m just saying what I’d like to happen in an ideal world.
HabitualLineCrossa {November 4th, 2009 at 12:57 pm}
@Me fail english?, say he was tried it and it wasn’t for him…and he’s back…could you move forward?
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Me fail english? {November 4th, 2009 at 1:05 pm}
@HabitualLineCrossa,
I probably couldnt to be honest. I’d still feel like he’s bisexual and maybe just had a bad experience with the Blasian. Then I’d be scared he may want to revisit that, only this time with more lube and he’d get to play pitcher. Then I’d be dumped.
And if his his desire for men was only in thought, like he finds them attractive, but he’s against letting them touch him, I’d just be turned off. I dont have a good reason for that, but thats how I honestly feel.
Sula {November 4th, 2009 at 2:03 pm}
@Me fail english?,
But if he’s a bisexual I’m going to go ahead and guess I have no shot in hell at making this man happy in a monogmaous relship. The other option is that he’s completely gay and he’s been lying to me (drawing my ire/contempt) or he’s been lying to himself (which makes me pity him). Either way, there’s no way to salvage a rel’ship if the guy is just not that into it. If he had any respect for me at all he should tell me everything and let me cut my losses.
Bingo.
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The Champ {November 4th, 2009 at 11:20 am}
@Imperfect,
I think not disclosing such information as cheating (with a man or woman) bases the relationship from that point forward on a lie.
but, what if the lie (or, the absence of the whole truth) had absolutely no bearing on your relationship? is knowing the entire truth about something that wont harm or even affect you more important than piece of mind?
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The One & True GEM... of the Ocean {November 4th, 2009 at 11:41 am}
@The Champ,
my question to you, Champikins, is do you honestly believe that lying and cheating has no bearing on the relationship? is it that easy to do and forget about? if a person cheats on their SO does it have any higher meaning then simply having sex with another person? is there not something missing in the relationship that caused the indiscretion to happen in the first place? is it truly possible to be happy and satisfied in your relationship and STILL step out? if so, what is the basis for it? i’d really like to know why you think cheating (even if the person cheated on has NO idea of what happened–which btw is very unlikely to be the case) is outside the bounds of the relationship to where it SHOULD be kept quiet.
don’t worry… i’ll wait….
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The Champ {November 4th, 2009 at 12:30 pm}
@The One & True GEM… of the Ocean,
my question to you, Champikins, is do you honestly believe that lying and cheating has no bearing on the relationship?
in real life? no
in the hypothetical universe i created in todays scenario? yes
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HabitualLineCrossa {November 4th, 2009 at 1:03 pm}
@The One & True GEM… of the Ocean, ok, as the self proclaimed vsb devil’s advocate I can’t resist this.
Lying and cheating having a bearing on a relationship…its possible. You cheated, your sorry, it won’t happen again, and there is no chance in hell she’ll believe you so no good comes from telling her, so…take it to the grave.
Why they cheated? Wanted to be sure there were no underlying feelings unexplored before committing to a monogamous life long commitment. Or was just immature and the act brought about guilt that would leave that man waking up every morning to keep a smile on your face…which in fact means you benefited from his infidelity.
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i am from the school of thought that had the mistep been with a woman, i would have wanted to be completely oblivious to it. however, you bring another man into the equation and i demand to know about. like now, m!@#af@#$a! that being said, i must ask (because this bothered me when i asked myself) why is it that we’re willing to go blind when it’s a heterosecshul stepout, but upon finding out our man slips up (hehheh) with another man, we must know? there is a small ugly little double standard here and i’m wondering why i cling to it so and with no apologies? can anybody help me there?
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HabitualLineCrossa {November 4th, 2009 at 3:11 am}
@cam1ll3, yeah there is a double standard…case in point
So would I wanna know that she had been lickin/kissin/suckin/tribbin with some (FEMME) chick…um a resounding yeah!! Getting it on like Kerry Washington and Dania Ramirez in She Hate Me…or the reason 4,632,789,235 I watched the L-Word…ok I need to stop.
For some reason I just don’t think its “cheating” when my woman messes with another woman. Am I alone here?
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charli skipper {November 4th, 2009 at 5:12 am}
@HabitualLineCrossa,
you’ll think it’s cheatin when she leaves your a*s and adopts a little Samoan baby with Dania. lol. but fareal.
i think guys don’t think of that as cheating because they’re too busy being aroused by the idea of 2 pretty women touching to consider that two femmes might ex them out of the whole equation altogether and have a real relationship of their own….although i wonder….is it often 2 pretty, femme women in real life? or just in your head? methinks that if your woman really cheated with a woman, you would NOT be all that turned on.
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Monk {November 4th, 2009 at 9:13 am}
@charli skipper,
I, for one, am not turned on by at all by picturing my lady being all intimate with another femme (or not so femme) chick. Maybe I’m just possessive like that but I don’t want her licking or being licked by ANYBODY but me..especially not in front of me.
In my mind, I feel like if you willingly participate in homosexual acts, you’re a homosexual..and I just prefer my girls hetero.
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HabitualLineCrossa {November 4th, 2009 at 1:06 pm}
@charli skipper, I personally won’t think its cheating. Its only cheating if there is a dude involved. If she finds out she is gay, more power to her…that is something I’d rather I know, and she know before we jump the broom. And since I love women so much, I can understand. No harm no foul, good luck and send me footage every now and then.
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The Champ {November 4th, 2009 at 11:35 am}
@HabitualLineCrossa,
For some reason I just don’t think its “cheating” when my woman messes with another woman. Am I alone here?
its still cheating to me. but, honesty, while the chances that i’d forgive a woman for cheating on me with a man are zero percent, if its a woman, those odds raise to 0.1 percent
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Stank-0 {November 4th, 2009 at 10:12 am}
@cam1ll3,
I’m gonna very honest. I said this to the S.O. Her cheatin w/ another woman=NOT OKAY! In my head, my reasoning is that I can’t compete with what that woman has. I don’t have the same…equipment.
Another man? Pure anger and then I’m out.
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Caballeroso {November 4th, 2009 at 11:23 am}
@cam1ll3,
I suspect that you recognize and expect that your man is attracted to women, after all he’s with you. If he yields to the charms of a blind blasian woman, it’s somewhat respectable simply because you know he’s into women. When he steps out with a man, however, a totally new and unanticipated dynamic has been introduced and dammit, you needs ta know!!! That’s my 2 cents.
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The Champ {November 4th, 2009 at 11:29 am}
@cam1ll3,
that being said, i must ask (because this bothered me when i asked myself) why is it that we’re willing to go blind when it’s a heterosecshul stepout, but upon finding out our man slips up (hehheh) with another man, we must know? there is a small ugly little double standard here and i’m wondering why i cling to it so and with no apologies? can anybody help me there?
your comment alludes to the two main ideas i wanted to bring across in the entry.
1. we know that the scenario completely changes when its a man, but why? (my guess? the idea of male-on-male sex represents the complete antithesis of how we define manhood, especially black manhood, and most of us can’t reconcile ourselves with the initial visceral reaction that thought induces)
2. men aren’t the only ones who hold the opposite sex to seemingly hypocritical double standards
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Panama Jackson {November 4th, 2009 at 12:06 pm}
@The Champ, 2. men aren’t the only ones who hold the opposite sex to seemingly hypocritical double standards
you so sneaky.
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cam1ll3 {November 4th, 2009 at 5:33 pm}
@The Champ,
i’ll agree with your #1. maybe that’s it. i was trying to figure it out on my own and i kept thinking, it can’t be about the STDs–you can get those in hetero or homo activity…it’s not the sects, that would piss me off regardless…is it the fact that it’s him seeking the affections of another man? and i almost felt ashamed that i was discounting the hypothetical manhood of the hypothetical man that would hypothetically make one mistake and sleep with the hypothetically hot blasian from the Mandingo stripper revue…but truth is, i would question it. …Gem pointed that out too…but, really, i’d like to think that i’m a little bigger minded than that but, alas, i yam what i yam and that’s all that i yam.
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The One & True GEM... of the Ocean {November 4th, 2009 at 11:56 am}
@cam1ll3,
it is NOT a double standard to want to know if your man is boning other men. if you are in a heterosexual rel’ship it is quite reasonable to suspect that if your SO is cheating, he/she is cheating with the opposite sex. your SO engaging in homosexual activity brings up different issues, as has already been mentioned previously in this thread.
cheating is NOT ok. period. but if you’re cheating with some one of the same sex, then you’re lying about much more than sex outside of the rel’ship.
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Me fail english? {November 4th, 2009 at 12:10 pm}
@The One & True GEM… of the Ocean,
Prec-xactly. There are infidelity lies and then there are identity lies. If it seems like there are two standards it’s cause there are two separate issues to address.
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The Champ {November 4th, 2009 at 12:34 pm}
@Me fail english?,
i guess the next question is, does committing a single gay act automatically make someone gay (or even bi)?
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The One & True GEM... of the Ocean {November 4th, 2009 at 12:42 pm}
@The Champ,
YES. the definition of homoSEXuality is pertaining to SEX. to call some one gay or lesbian is somewhat different, as it implies their are other social/cultural factors involved in addition to sex, i.e. relationships, lifestyle.
miss t-lee {November 4th, 2009 at 12:46 pm}
@The Champ,
I believe so. NTTIAWWT
The One & True GEM... of the Ocean {November 4th, 2009 at 12:46 pm}
sorry, i didnt get my complete thought out. i was trying to YES to being homosexual. NO to being “gay”.
Me fail english? {November 4th, 2009 at 12:47 pm}
@The Champ,
I’m not the authority, and I call ppl whatever they like to be called out of respect (even if its smthg inane like “bicurious”). But I’d be inclined to believe that they are gay/bi. For me sexuality/orientation is about thought more than action. You may never engage in a homosexual act and be gay. On the other hand, I saw a Diane Sawyer special on some young heroin addicts (males) that do things for money that I dont believe are necessarily gay or bi.
Sula {November 4th, 2009 at 2:08 pm}
@The Champ,
Yes.
Sula {November 4th, 2009 at 2:07 pm}
@Me fail english?,
There are infidelity lies and then there are identity lies
Amen.
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cam1ll3 {November 4th, 2009 at 5:47 pm}
@The One & True GEM… of the Ocean,
i completely agree that cheating is not the bees knees. i just felt like i was being unfair because of the situation taking place between two men. i hear you tho…
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Oh hell no, I’m going to sleep.
Gooddamnnight.
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HabitualLineCrossa {November 4th, 2009 at 2:59 am}
@8th Wonder, LMMFAO!!!!!!!!!!! Yeah this post kinda reminds me of Kellz’s Trapped in the Closet.
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The Champ {November 4th, 2009 at 11:40 am}
@8th Wonder,
sleep deez
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OH HELL NO!!! if its a man i’ll rather be NAIVE, DEAF & BLIND!
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The Champ {November 4th, 2009 at 11:42 am}
@h3avensent08,
if its a man i’ll rather be NAIVE, DEAF & BLIND!
lol, so basically you’d rather be the blasian stripper
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Me fail english? {November 4th, 2009 at 12:08 pm}
@The Champ,
The fact that my man is stepping out with the ‘09 Helen Keller adds yet another layer of disgust to this tale. At that point, not only do I want to know. I want to fight.
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I’m going to need to know the truth whomever or whatever it may be. I’m not trying to have the truth be thrown upon me with the discovery of a sex tape, salon shop gossip, twitter, facebook, or any other 3rd party person. That would be an instant trip to yesterdays #1…you want them dead.
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The Champ {November 4th, 2009 at 11:44 am}
@MzKang,
I’m not trying to have the truth be thrown upon me with the discovery of a sex tape, salon shop gossip, twitter, facebook, or any other 3rd party person.
what if you was a zero percent possibility that anyone else would find out?
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MzKang {November 5th, 2009 at 12:47 am}
@The Champ,
Thats hard for me to even conceptualize. My mind works from the premise that the truth always comes out in some form or fashion. I’m going to need to know the truth.
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I’d have rather not known my last ex had a threesome before we met.
Because I never had one and she wasn’t gonna have one with meeeeeee!:*(But yeah, if the information won’t take the relationship to another level, just go on and keep it to yourself.
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Raqi {November 4th, 2009 at 9:26 am}
@Stuff Ghetto People Like, believe you me if I found out my husband done been (lol) with a man that information would most definitely take our relationship to another level. It just won’t be a higher better level.
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Sula {November 4th, 2009 at 2:10 pm}
@Raqi,
Exactement.
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Panama Jackson {November 4th, 2009 at 12:05 pm}
@Stuff Ghetto People Like, Real? Is that you?
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wow, interesting. i would wanna know for sure if the person I’m with cheated on me, like some folks already voiced, it’s about me having all the information necessary to process what my next move is gonna be. Am I going to be want to stick around, will I be able to work pass that betrayal etc.
Now as for it being with another man, idk, seems like it’d be harder to grasp that infidelity, i’d be shocked for sure. it’s funny cuz the stigma surrounding straight women who mess around with other women is almost non-existent. it’s like most pple think that’s no big deal, but then the flip side is an an automatic that dude is gay, he gotta be…but um yea, i’d wanna know because i wouldn’t be able to move past it. I just think there are some things that he’d has going on in his mind/self that I’m not gonna be able to help him with/thru whatever.
but for real,how many men/women who get locked up are lurds/hurds and you wouldn’t even know cuz it’s a commonplace social behavior…just saying.
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The Champ {November 4th, 2009 at 11:45 am}
@maria,
Now as for it being with another man, idk, seems like it’d be harder to grasp that infidelity, i’d be shocked for sure. it’s funny cuz the stigma surrounding straight women who mess around with other women is almost non-existent. it’s like most pple think that’s no big deal, but then the flip side is an an automatic that dude is gay, he gotta be…
why do you think that is?
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HabitualLineCrossa {November 4th, 2009 at 12:29 pm}
@The Champ, its cos there is no room for bisexuality/same sex “experimentation” in the Black community. Denial is a mutha. (Some) women date these cats who been locked down for years at a time and you know they done had they sh!t pushed in/sucked some dudes off…but that is acceptable/disregarded.
I say the sooner the Black community accepts homosexuality, the sooner we eradicate the DL issue…the sooner the guy can honestly share that type of stuff…the sooner it can be understood and the relationship may move further.
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The Champ {November 4th, 2009 at 12:35 pm}
@HabitualLineCrossa,
its cos there is no room for bisexuality/same sex “experimentation” in the Black community.
do you think there should be?
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HabitualLineCrossa {November 4th, 2009 at 1:43 pm}
@The Champ, absolutely. I believe people should be allowed to be themselves and not be vilified for it provided nobody is hurt. I’m sure we are all for full disclosure, though we turn a blind eye to the fact that the environment is not conducive to it. Wouldn’t you wanna know if your girl was with a bi dude? How many of us truly require to see clean bill of health from the other before we engage in sexual activities that put us at risk for contracting some sh!t?
If we made room for it, folks could be upfront about it and each party could make an informed decision whether to proceed or not. If someone is forced into being something they are not, out of fear of the consequences of coming out (esp in the Black community), I’m sure some level of resentment/frustration will build up that will manifest its way into the relationship leaving yet another unhappy couple/family. I’m sure its hard enough to make relationships work without having to worry about the sexual orientation of your partner.
Sula {November 4th, 2009 at 2:33 pm}
@HabitualLineCrossa,
I am very embracing of gay people in my life and everywhere. I just don’t want to have sex with one. It’s a personal choice and really, it’s that simple.
cam1ll3 {November 4th, 2009 at 6:14 pm}
@HabitualLineCrossa,
well stated. where do we begin tho? how do we go about making room and being tolerant of alternative sexuality? amazingly, certain facets (group sex, swinging, s&m) are becoming more popular and are almost on the verge of being (for lack of a better term) celebrated. homosexuality, on the other hand, is still a dirty secret that we keep attempting to push deeper and deeper in the the furthest, darkest, crack of a crevice that we can. how do we move past that?
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Really? Dishonesty is this big and folks are cool with that? Naw…I expect a woman to demand to know everything…I know it’s a must for me. And why not just leave if you “slip up”? Evidently…the thrill is gone. No way to rationalize away the obvious…
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The Champ {November 4th, 2009 at 11:47 am}
@Atltx,
again, lets say that everything i outlined in the scenario is true (the spark is still definitely there, it was a 1 time slip-up, etc).
would your feelings still be the same?
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The One & True GEM... of the Ocean {November 4th, 2009 at 12:03 pm}
@The Champ,
is it really a “slip up”, though?? do you just one day wake up and accidently fall into/onto some one else’s reproductive organs?? to trivialize in this scenario that cheating can be something that just happens, like the pgh pirates’ inability to win, is unsettling to me.
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Panama Jackson {November 4th, 2009 at 12:08 pm}
@The One & True GEM… of the Ocean, accidently fall into/onto some one else’s reproductive organs??
you really know how to ruin a good time don’t you?
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The Champ {November 4th, 2009 at 12:36 pm}
@Panama Jackson,
lol, she does.
The One & True GEM... of the Ocean {November 4th, 2009 at 2:48 pm}
lol i shoulda just stuck with sayin “slip up deez”
um…..i was not expecting that twist at all. why am i so involved in this blog? i literally almost slammed my laptop shut.
anyway. i think i’d pretty much want to know whether it was a man or woman, because da*n you being “happy” now–i need to know what i’m working with.
but if you done just up and slept with a dude, man…i just…first of all, i’m gonna wanna fight you. because i just feel like:
cheat on me with a woman and don’t tell me = you’s such a punk for that one.
but cheat on me with a man and my friends/ family/frenemies know or have any clue AND i’m the last to find out you even swung that way at all = you dead.
and they better tell my story right and have me looking cute on “snapped” or else your family is in peril too.
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Me fail english? {November 4th, 2009 at 10:24 am}
@charli skipper,
‘and they better tell my story right and have me looking cute on “snapped” or else your family is in peril too.’
LMAO @ you seeing your episode in prison and breaking out to kill the family…just to get a second, more accurate episode.
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Blacklaw {November 4th, 2009 at 10:54 am}
@charli skipper, lol @ “=you dead”
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The Champ {November 4th, 2009 at 11:50 am}
@charli skipper,
anyway. i think i’d pretty much want to know whether it was a man or woman, because da*n you being “happy” now–i need to know what i’m working with.
why though? why is knowing every single thing that important, especially if not knowing wouldnt affect or harm you in any way?
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HabitualLineCrossa {November 4th, 2009 at 12:34 pm}
@The Champ,
So they can drive themselves crazy with worry over something that they cannot change or something that has nothing to do with them.
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Sula {November 4th, 2009 at 2:35 pm}
@HabitualLineCrossa,
Or more simply, so they can leave.
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chasdizz {November 4th, 2009 at 2:40 pm}
@HabitualLineCrossa,
pretty much.
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charli skipper {November 4th, 2009 at 1:06 pm}
@The Champ,
“why though? why is knowing every single thing that important, especially if not knowing wouldnt affect or harm you in any way?”
um…because it makes him a liar if he’s slept with someone else (esp. if we’re married, but i’d say the same if we’re in a monogamous, nonmarried relationship) even just once–because that’s a big “just.” case in point, i had/have a bf…who was always seemingly very, very sweet. when we’re out in public people say, “oh. you can just look at him & he’ll do anything you ask. got him whipped. must be nice.” if i sound anything less than overjoyed on the telephone he’s all, “what can i do to make you smile today?” sickening sweet stuff like that where other women look at me like i’m living the da*n life. i never asked for all that, just some honesty. you’d think this guy was perfect. until his phone accidentally dials yours while he’s WITH another woman and she’s talking about what happened. supposedly just once. even though he’s supposedly happy. i would want to know what i’m working with because while i’m guilty beating myself up about why i can’t get into this “happy”relationship with this guy who is supposedly “happy” he’s a da*n liar. and half the happiness is probably guilt anyway. it does affect the other person, because it might change the shade through which they view everything that happens after that. and also, although the blasian stripper was antiseptic in your story, people in real life is (yes “is”) nasty, and i need to able to know to wipe myself down.
the just once wouldn’t happen in a completely healthy relationship. but if it did and you admitted to it, okay. maybe we can deal with that. however, if i FIND OUT because you thought it unnecessary to tell me because it was going to happen “just once,” then anything that happens to you after that is just da*n justifiable.
those just once-ers are a*sholes that make the women they’re with look like a*sholes all while they’re screwing somebody “just once” anyway.
*here’s where i descend from my soapbox, curtsy, and change into my sweats and comfortable shoes backstage*
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Blacklaw {November 4th, 2009 at 2:29 pm}
@charli skipper, well damn
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charli skipper {November 4th, 2009 at 3:27 pm}
@Blacklaw,
now that i think about it, that just may have been overshare. but, hey, we’re anonymous. and hindsight is 20/20. lol
I’d want to know either way. The thing is, these things ALWAYS come out. It could be days, years, or decades later. the truth always comes to light. So tell me. I’ll break up with you, but it’s better I hear it from you than from Boney T in the mail room.
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Me fail english? {November 4th, 2009 at 10:46 am}
@Ms. Smart,
“the truth always comes to light.”
False. This is one of those things that ppl tell themselves to feel better about life…but has like zero basis in reality. You’d be surprised how much shet you can get away with PERMANENTLY if you’re smart. Esp. if the “other” person knows your situation and plays their position.
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Blacklaw {November 4th, 2009 at 10:53 am}
@Me fail english?, I agree…..im a bit of a skeptic……the truth dont always come out…..some ppl have the ability to hold shit with no remorse and are careful enuf to not get caught….
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The Champ {November 4th, 2009 at 11:51 am}
@Me fail english?,
You’d be surprised how much shet you can get away with PERMANENTLY if you’re smart.
***nodding head***
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The One & True GEM... of the Ocean {November 4th, 2009 at 12:11 pm}
@Me fail english?,
You’d be surprised how much shet you can get away with PERMANENTLY if you’re smart. Esp. if the “other” person knows your situation and plays their position.
id also call false to this claim too. their are PLENTY of reasons for the “other” person to snap and unveil secrets. furthermore, you’re only in control of yourself. you can’t control what other ppl say and do. hell, you might be accused of a crime, and you’re only alibi is the blasian stripper.
things do come to light when you least expect. maybe not ALL things. but it’s completely ridiculous to believe that you can have complete and utter control of your indiscretions.
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Me fail english? {November 4th, 2009 at 12:31 pm}
@The One & True GEM… of the Ocean,
You may have noticed I quoted and addressed the line in which the poster said the truth “always comes to light”. Implying that she believes at least the vast majority (if not all) of the time, the cheater will be caught. You’re the only one talking about “complete and utter control”. We’re talking about the likelihood that a partner finds out. Whether its because you know how to keep a secret, the “other” knows how to keep a secret or your partner is just naive, what’s completely ridiculous is to think that you’ll know all or most of what your partner is doing if they actively work to hide it. Even more ridiculous is to suggest that this is true because you’ll be in need of an alibi or “other” people “snap” often enough (huh?).
What’s to stop me from going out of town and boning a married man who has even more to lose than me if this gets out? What about a one-night stand who doesnt even know anything about me, much less my life? Further, how exactly is my man gonna find this out?
The truth is that what a partner knows (unless they’re on some old Sherlock Holmes/”Cheaters” isht) is often just what the cheater has been reckless enough to reveal.
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The One & True GEM... of the Ocean {November 4th, 2009 at 1:00 pm}
@Me fail english?,
this post reads (to me) kinda RUDE. “you may have noticed…” “you’re the only one talking about…” “(huh?)” soooooo unnecessary. but anyway…
but my point is things do come to light. period. lol. even when you try your best to conceal your secrets. EYE (and it could be just me — since i’m the only one talkin bout…) think its ridiculous to assume that if you do everything within your power to hide something the truth will remain hidden and that it wont be revealed by other means — be it some one seeing you creeping and telling your SO, or you are forced to tell your secrets for some other reason (an alibi was an extreme example — i watch L&O, sue me — but there are others), or the other person coming clean and the word getting back to your SO.
the world is small. and karma can be a b*tch. and i think its just silly to ASSume that secrets will always remain secret. sure, its possible that they will, but why leave it to chance??
Me fail english? {November 4th, 2009 at 1:21 pm}
Once again, how does…
“You’d be surprised how much shet you can get away with PERMANENTLY if you’re smart.”
…equate to me suggesting that “secrets will always remain secret” and never come out?
You seem to be ASSuming that’s what I said when I definitely did not.
P.S. Stressing the “ASS” in assume and calling a sentiment you (erroneously) attributed to me “completely ridiculous” can also be read as rude and unnecessary.
The One & True GEM... of the Ocean {November 4th, 2009 at 2:52 pm}
@Me fail english?,
lolol you’re reading waaaaaaay too much in my comment, esp the ass-ume comment. ALL of my uses of YOU — in the second paragraph — was meant in a global sense and was directed at the convo starter (which was all things done in the dark coming to light), not directly aimed at you, mefail dear. your post was simply a prompt to answer to a broad idea of keeping secrets kept.
The Champ {November 4th, 2009 at 3:17 pm}
@Me fail english?, gemmie
get a room
Caballeroso {November 4th, 2009 at 3:20 pm}
@Me fail english?
While I agree that all indiscretions won’t necessarily come to light, consider this: I discovered an ex’s indiscretion and broke up with her about it. As I was ending it, the indiscretion I knew about was not the one she confessed to. She probably still thinks I don’t know about the ‘other’ indiscretion, but since I was ending it anyway, I felt no need to disclose. In other words, just because you think it didn’t come to light doesn’t mean you got away with it, but again, everything will not come to light.
Me fail english? {November 4th, 2009 at 3:41 pm}
@The Champ,
Get deez…in ya mouf.
charli skipper {November 4th, 2009 at 1:10 pm}
@The One & True GEM… of the Ocean,
um…i love the example where the blasian stripper is needed for the alibi. juicy! and also, realistic cuz some people just have that horrible luck like that.
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The One & True GEM... of the Ocean {November 4th, 2009 at 2:54 pm}
@charli skipper,
lol fa real. ya just neva know…
Sula {November 4th, 2009 at 2:39 pm}
@Me fail english?,
I agree. Actually, I think the truth seldom comes out if the person doesn’t want it known.
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The One & True GEM... of the Ocean {November 4th, 2009 at 2:56 pm}
@Sula,
Actually, I think the truth seldom comes out if the person doesn’t want it known.
now this i can agree with. even if the truth is made known, it is not always acknowledged. its often easier to ignore the ugly truth..
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OrangeStar616 {November 4th, 2009 at 5:00 pm}
@The One & True GEM… of the Ocean, that brings to mind one of my favorite lil sayings..knowing something and believing it are two different things, you can know it all day but until you believe what you know, what good is knowing really???
Me fail english? {November 4th, 2009 at 3:05 pm}
@Sula,
Pretty much. Don’t know why folks are acting like it’s so rare for crimes/indiscretions to go unnoticed, unreported and unsolved. If people can get away with kidnapping kids and murdering people in cold blood, I’m pretty sure they can get away with screwing hookers.
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OrangeStar616 {November 4th, 2009 at 5:04 pm}
@Me fail english?, if its meant for you to know Me fail, it will be revealed to you……
miss t-lee {November 4th, 2009 at 5:12 pm}
@Me fail english?,
Or as my Dad likes to refer to it–”a need to know basis”.
Me fail english? {November 4th, 2009 at 5:25 pm}
@OrangeStar,
Not a big believer in the zen, mind chi forces of the universe. It’s kinda like defensive driving. Yes, a bread truck may force you into an oil slick full of banana peels, just like blasian strippers may be your only defense or your girl’s best friend may catch you checking into the motel. But the precautions you take to stay “safe” (driving or cheating) can make a huge difference in how often you get “hemmed up” (in an accident or caught out there) or if you get hemmed up at all.
The one-time slip up with the Asian stripper reminds me a great movie I saw for the second time recently, M. Butterfly.
The movie starred Jeremy Irons, acting as a French diplomat deeply involved with a beautiful opera singer who spies on him for the Chinese govt. It was loosely based on real events in the play, Madam Butterfly. While she wasn’t blind, he was blind that she was a man.
From Wiki: A key line in the film is “Only a man knows how a woman is supposed to act.”
So, Champ, in your scenario, I wouldn’t think the boyfriend was at least occasionally on the downlow if it was a Madam Butterfly kinda fling and probably forgive him. Otherwise, no, because bisexual men have been the primary gateway to HIV among women.
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Blacklaw {November 4th, 2009 at 10:51 am}
@Kit (Keep It Trill), That’s actually not true….new studies seem to say “our bad” it wasn’t the rampant bisexual men’s crowd that was to blame for the huge spread of HIV in black and african populations…….just bad science and an easy “culprit” to blame……
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OrangeStar616 {November 4th, 2009 at 4:57 pm}
@Blacklaw, not in the District, the CDC listed DL lifetsyles as the leading culprit this past April,followed by interveneous drug use
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The Champ {November 4th, 2009 at 11:52 am}
@Kit (Keep It Trill),
this sounds a bit like the crying game.
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I don’t know about yall…but how in the hell do you just “slip up” and slip into an azzhole? Cats need to tell women what’s going on in their heads…it’s better than getting kilt or chopped in the throat while you sleeping…springing shat on people ain’t right.
To hell with a white picket fence, 2.5 kids, and a mangy dog…quit being selfesh.
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miss t-lee {November 4th, 2009 at 9:35 am}
@atltx,
I agree with this whole comment…lol
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Monk {November 4th, 2009 at 10:23 am}
@atltx,
I feel the same way about cheating PERIOD. The shyt doesn’t ‘just happen’. One puts themselves in a position in order for cheating to even take place and it’s usually based on a number of decisions that lead up to it actually happening. For example, if you never would have innocently flirted with your co-worker, took him up on a lunch offer, had happy hour drinks in which he paid for to discuss the upcoming week’s workload, chatted with him online all day at work when y’all were just 3 cubicles down from each other, and accepted to share a room with him when y’all attended that “work” conference, then maybe you wouldn’t have been so naïve and smashed him.
If you don’t allow yourself the opportunity, it won’t happen.
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Me fail english? {November 4th, 2009 at 10:29 am}
@Monk,
Couldn’t agree more. Thats why I wanna go upside these talk show people’s heads when they accuse a mate of “insecurity” just cause he/she has a problem with their mate’s constant flirting/going to the club, etc. That aint insecurity. That’s called foreshadowing.
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HabitualLineCrossa {November 4th, 2009 at 12:42 pm}
@Me fail english?, so you are saying its a slippery slope then. If you flirt chances are it will lead to cheating. Sure, I guess in some scenarios this is true, but not always. Some cats actually have the ability to control themselves. There is nothing wrong with a lil tension.
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Me fail english? {November 4th, 2009 at 12:54 pm}
@HabitualLineCrossa,
Yeah, you’re right. There are def people that just flirt a lot and do nothing (like me!) but if someone shows a whole pattern (hanging with their single friends a whole lot, going to the single , club type places a lot, flirting, etc.) I’d say that person, even if they dont intend to cheat, is exposing her/himself to an environment that’s gonna make it way easy to slip. Like alcoholics hanging at bars. You still have a choice, but this choice is a lot easier from outside of the bar.
edit: this made more sense in my head.
The One & True GEM... of the Ocean {November 4th, 2009 at 12:19 pm}
@Monk,
ab.so.lutely.
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Sula {November 4th, 2009 at 2:47 pm}
@Monk,
If you don’t allow yourself the opportunity, it won’t happen.
Where do I contribute for this man’s drink?
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charli skipper {November 4th, 2009 at 1:12 pm}
@atltx,
i agree, lol, and *smileyface*
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I am not apart of the “I don’t want to know..let me live in naivete” group. I want to know. Its my relationship too..and I deserve to know. Mainly because, if it was me…who cheated.. I would have guilt and would not be able to hold it in. There is no difference between if its is a female or a male. You should be open with your partner…
kboug out.
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Blacklaw {November 4th, 2009 at 10:47 am}
@kboug, that’s the truth…..a) i wanna know b) it’s over once I know c) there will be a visit paid if you gave me something
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The Champ {November 4th, 2009 at 11:53 am}
@kboug,
welcome and sh*t (i think)
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UM!!! No…you cheat, you tell! I don’t care WHOWHATWHENORWHERE! If we are together and you take it upon yourself to step out…keep the f*ck on steppin and leave me be, hurt or otherwise. If this brick house that we have built together isn’t grand enough for you..go build your own sand castle somewhere else! Blood will out eventually and hell will rise before I become THAT dayum complacent…hell no! Do not leave me blissfully ignorant…nope, no sir I’d rather be painfully cognizant …
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The Champ {November 4th, 2009 at 11:54 am}
@Smiley Face,
lol, ok
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Smiley Face {November 4th, 2009 at 12:22 pm}
@The Champ,
i’m just sayin, lol
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Champ, I love that Jake Tyler Brigance move you pulled at the end.
“Now imagine she’s white”. That’s my favorite part of the movie A Time to Kill.
That’s how you get people’s true thoughts on a situation. It suddenly becomes a big deal. LOL I love it.
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Blacklaw {November 4th, 2009 at 10:41 am}
@Raqi, nice reference….2 points
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The Champ {November 4th, 2009 at 11:56 am}
@Raqi,
Champ, I love that Jake Tyler Brigance move you pulled at the end.
lol, thanks. thats exactly the effect i was aiming for. now, i guess we still need for someone on vsb to play a sweaty ass sam jackson
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Oh wow…this is interesting.
Reading this post reminds me of how I felt watching the end of Primal Fear.
Just shocked.
All I’ma say is if ol’ boy crept with Antoine, it would be in his best interest to go on ahead and move in with that kat. As far as a “slip up” goes, ain’t that much slippin’ up in all the world for his junk to end up in another kat’s chocolate starfish.
So yeah…I wanna know.
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The Champ {November 4th, 2009 at 11:57 am}
@miss t-lee,
As far as a “slip up” goes, ain’t that much slippin’ up in all the world for his junk to end up in another kat’s chocolate starfish.
LOL.
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Sula {November 4th, 2009 at 3:28 pm}
@miss t-lee,
As far as a “slip up” goes, ain’t that much slippin’ up in all the world for his junk to end up in another kat’s chocolate starfish.
Exactly! I mean, hello?
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WOOOOOOOOW! Okay, so he was stressed the eff out…got it. But what I’m more intrigued by most is why come (yes, why — not how) he and the blasian skrippa were even in the same vicinty? Cuz apparently demoted dude was in a venue where men seek solace; a place offering soothing tunes and a sympathetic ear i.e. the local
Strip ClubMale Revue. Y’all ain’t just ‘happen upon’ each other. Nah, he convinced himself that the relief of finally engaging in the long desired act would outweigh the ridicule of being replaced by Bubbles, so what the heck!On a slightly related and even more slightly implausible note, if I ever open up any such establishment, I’ma name it Rear View…
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Me fail english? {November 4th, 2009 at 10:33 am}
@bittersweet’s baby,
This whole comment has me dying.
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Voiceovereason {November 4th, 2009 at 11:33 am}
@bittersweet’s baby,
I’m glad I’m good at holding in laughter at work!
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The Champ {November 4th, 2009 at 12:03 pm}
@bittersweet’s baby,
But what I’m more intrigued by most is why come (yes, why — not how) he and the blasian skrippa were even in the same vicinty? Cuz apparently demoted dude was in a venue where men seek solace; a place offering soothing tunes and a sympathetic ear i.e. the local Strip Club Male Revue. Y’all ain’t just ‘happen upon’ each other
lol, admittedly, this is where my scenario breaks down. there’s no way in hell that a man without any non-straight tendencies is going to put himself in a situation where a slip-up with a male o-ren ishii could occur.
“hanging out where all the gay male strippers be” is one of the least favorite nitetime options for a straight guy, right up there with “prison” and “watching the wanda sykes show”
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HabitualLineCrossa {November 4th, 2009 at 12:51 pm}
@The Champ, “lol, admittedly, this is where my scenario breaks down. there’s no way in hell that a man without any non-straight tendencies is going to put himself in a situation where a slip-up with a male o-ren ishii could occur.”
A$$hole boss set you up to close a deal with gay clients in from outta town. They mentioned that there is an establishment that they must attend. Anyone they do business with can not be a bigot. Closing this deal leads to big big bucks and a sure fire way to shoot your way to the top.
Now where this scenario fails…putting yourself in that situation might get one of them to think that you may require convincing to try some sh!t…whereas all you wanted was to close a deal…now you in court charge with a hate crime lol.
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Me fail english? {November 4th, 2009 at 1:13 pm}
@HabitualLineCrossa,
LMAO @ how completely plausible this is.
No really, a financial firm downtown got sued for chexual harassment because these guy always took certain clients to strip clubs. I forgot the details, but a woman who worked for the firm said it made her uncomfortable working with the clients in that environment and stuff. Never found out how that turned out…
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Sula {November 4th, 2009 at 2:55 pm}
@Me fail english?,
She was rewarded, I believe.
Sula {November 4th, 2009 at 2:53 pm}
@HabitualLineCrossa,
Either you have great screenwriting skills, or… never mind. You have great screenwriting abilities.
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HabitualLineCrossa {November 4th, 2009 at 3:07 pm}
@Sula, Thanks…I think… LOL!!
Me fail english? {November 4th, 2009 at 3:43 pm}
@Sula,
Yeah. I would actually love this movie. Or at least as a skit on The Whitest Kids You Know.
THIS: “imagine that you’re in a perfectly happy relationship.”
PLUS THIS: “but, a deadly combination of an unusually stressful week …”
PLUS THIS: “an unusually compassionate blind blasian stripper, and an unusually strong ultimate zombie”
EQUALS THIS?: ” pushed you off the cheating cliff once three months ago.”
GTFOH, Champ! Your premise makes no sense. If your relationship is “perfectly happy”, there should be no room for strippers and zombies. I call shenanigans!
That being said, cheating is a breach of contract no matter who or what it is. Withholding the truth is like emotional kidnapping, you’re keeping the other person around against their will. The minute you withhold info that prevents your SO from making fully informed decisions, the relationship becomes a lie. The whole “ignorance is bliss” is only fun until someone gets hurt. And they will get hurt.
The fact that it’s a dude only proves this point. Like someone said earlier, if you know you like a little sausage now and then you gotta disclose that information. Otherwise you are robbing that person of making the choice to be with you and cheating yourself out of being with someone who you can truly be yourself with. Hiding who you are is only going to make you more miserable as time goes by.
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Smiley Face {November 4th, 2009 at 10:37 am}
@Deviant,
SAY THAT!!! Totally agree!
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Me fail english? {November 4th, 2009 at 10:50 am}
@Deviant,
Yeah. There can be room for strippers and zombies in a happy relship (To this day I go to the strip club with my bf. I just choose rum & coke over zombies). But that champagne room slip? That’s some ol extra stuff. You dont really respect your mate when you’re letting things “slip”.
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Voiceovereason {November 4th, 2009 at 11:20 am}
@Deviant,
“GTFOH, Champ! Your premise makes no sense. If your relationship is “perfectly happy”, there should be no room for strippers and zombies. I call shenanigans!”
So true. A man in a perfectly happy relationship would wanna get some love from his boo boos in a situation like this. Right?
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kamakula {November 4th, 2009 at 12:40 pm}
@Voiceovereason,
No. This is totally wrong. Absolutely happy relationsp has much less to do with sex than you think. At least not for a man. Relationship and sex are not necessarily synonymous in a guys head.
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Voiceovereason {November 4th, 2009 at 1:01 pm}
@kamakula,
When I said love I didn’t mean sex. I meant encouragement, comfort, etc. If you’re happy in your relationship, wouldn’t you want to go to you’re SO for comfort when life is kicking your @ss? Being able to go to your SO during rough times is part of what makes a person happy in a relationship. At least that’s how I feel about it. If my man can’t come to me when he’s down, our relationship is not perfectly happy.
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Me fail english? {November 4th, 2009 at 2:20 pm}
@Voiceovereason & kamakula,
*strokes chin*
Interesting dilemma. On the one hand, I’d like to think a man happy to be with me would seek me out as his refuge…especially over some random stranger. But on the other hand, I consider my relship a happy one. I have, however noticed that when my bf is at his most down he doesnt really like talking to me about it (at least not at first). In fact, I dont think he talks to anyone. He just smokes a blunt, goes to play ball, basically distract himself til he’s ready to talk (if ever). So I can totally see him turning to large, bare funbags for a distraction…but not the actual chex
The One & True GEM... of the Ocean {November 4th, 2009 at 12:30 pm}
@Deviant,
well put.
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HabitualLineCrossa {November 4th, 2009 at 3:10 pm}
@Deviant, what the h3ll kinda deviant says there is no room for skrippers in a happy relationship?!! You need to change yo name patnah!!!! lol
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Deviant {November 4th, 2009 at 4:08 pm}
@HabitualLineCrossa,
“what the h3ll kinda deviant says there is no room for skrippers in a happy relationship?!!”
Being that my statement deviated from your expectation of what someone who calls themselves Deviant might say, I believe the name is quite apropos.
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HabitualLineCrossa {November 4th, 2009 at 4:25 pm}
@Deviant, actually one woulda thunk that it would deviate from societal norm. skrippers?? Hell I woulda thunk with a name like Deviant you’d've brought in some tranny midgets, a blow up doll, and at least one sheep for good measure.
Always disappointed lol.
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What if it’s a chick with a strap on……don’t usually like to revel in the possibilities of booty play…..but is it any better if he only thought he was being man-loved…..and was actually being woman with a strap-on loved?…….
Or what if he cheats with a woman knowingly…but the way he cheats is in a homoerotic way…..? Still the same? (Ah hkah……where’s the spoon?)
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miss t-lee {November 4th, 2009 at 10:50 am}
@Blacklaw,
“What if it’s a chick with a strap on”
See…now you’re just splitting hairs…lmao
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The Champ {November 4th, 2009 at 12:04 pm}
@miss t-lee,
See…now you’re just splitting hairs…lmao
you’re nasty
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miss t-lee {November 4th, 2009 at 12:31 pm}
@The Champ,
*snickering loudly*
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AnonyMiss {November 4th, 2009 at 12:44 pm}
@Blacklaw,
LMAO @ the whole chick/strap-on scenario…. if he admitted this to me;; i’d probably laugh && then proceed to cry my eyes out because I’d still be hurt…
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charli skipper {November 4th, 2009 at 1:26 pm}
@Blacklaw,
well, see, then my issue has to do with why he’s so desparate to feel that familiar feeling of morning w**d deep inside his spirit. i mean…..now i’m dealing with a chexually repressed, possibly bichexual, secretly freaky a*s lying, cheater who just got demoted? i don’t know, boo. that’s still a lot to deal with…
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Blacklaw {November 4th, 2009 at 2:36 pm}
@charli skipper, we need to bring “bichexual” into our daily lexicon…..3 points for you
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Sula {November 4th, 2009 at 2:59 pm}
@charli skipper,
now i’m dealing with a chexually repressed, possibly bichexual, secretly freaky a*s lying, cheater who just got demoted?
And I am dead.
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chasdizz {November 4th, 2009 at 2:57 pm}
@Blacklaw, i somehow think this might be worse. at least when it was with a man i knew exactly what i was dealin wit. even tho Champ clearly said nothing would come of this encounter….now we gotta worry bout u a) tryin to get the real thing or b) u wantin ME to do all that along with c) tryin to figure out where to take the relationship next.
hellnaw.
bring back the blasian blind male stripper.
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HabitualLineCrossa {November 4th, 2009 at 3:12 pm}
@Blacklaw, so…strap-on vs finger…whats the difference? I only ask cos some fellas let they woman do em like that. Care to open that door?
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Sula {November 4th, 2009 at 3:23 pm}
@Blacklaw,
What if it’s a chick with a strap on
Let’s look at what the Merriam-Webster says:
Main Entry: ho·mo·sex·u·al·i·ty
Function: noun
Date: 1892
1 : the quality or state of being homosexual
2 : erotic activity with another of the same sex
Main Entry: 1 ho·mo·sex·u·al
Function: adjective
Date: 1892
1 : of, relating to, or characterized by a tendency to direct sexual desire toward another of the same sex
2 : of, relating to, or involving sexual intercourse between persons of the same sex
So based on those definitions, a dude who eats Chex in the morning with a woman whether he gets it in his nose, his ears, or any other orifices on his body is not , per the Merriam-Webster, homosexual.
The scenario of the girl with a strap-on will then be akin to the blind blasian female stripper.
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Some of y’all sound like some bona fide homophobes.
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Cheekie {November 4th, 2009 at 11:29 am}
@Stuff Ghetto People Like,
Point ‘em out, point ‘em out…
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Sula {November 4th, 2009 at 3:03 pm}
@Stuff Ghetto People Like,
How is it homophobic to not want to have sex with a homochexual man? If anything, I want them to be happier in a full blown homochexual relationship.
I am trying to decipher the homophobia here.
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miss t-lee {November 4th, 2009 at 3:10 pm}
@Sula,
Thank you. Those were my thoughts exactly.
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Me fail english? {November 4th, 2009 at 3:47 pm}
@miss t-lee,
I third. I’ve seen some borderline phobic (or at least non-pro-gay) comments on vsb before, but this discussion has everybody sounding pretty enlightened.
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miss t-lee {November 4th, 2009 at 3:57 pm}
@Me fail english?,
Yeah…but we’re talking about today…lol
Cheekie {November 4th, 2009 at 4:50 pm}
@Sula,
*nods*
That’s exactly why I asked SGPL to point ‘em out. I didn’t see (or notice) any of that going on…
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Stuff Ghetto People Like {November 4th, 2009 at 5:28 pm}
@all the ladies, it may not be overt, but the undertones are very much there. It comes off like anyone (especially a man) happening to be gay is a threat and a danger to all. These attitudes show our society has a long way to go…and I’ll leave it at that.
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Sula {November 4th, 2009 at 6:09 pm}
@Stuff Ghetto People Like,
Hon, you’re sure you are not reading what you want to read?
A person being gay AND pretending to be straight is a threat to all, gay and straight alike.
Anybody misrepresenting themselves to this extent is a threat to everybody.
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Cheekie {November 4th, 2009 at 6:23 pm}
@Sula,
“A person being gay AND pretending to be straight is a threat to all, gay and straight alike. ”
Badda bing.
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Dun, dun, DUN!!!! If the stripper’s a man, I’d want to know. Not only is it wrong to cheat, but it’s even wongER to lie about who you are. IMHO, anyone who enjoys being s3xual with someone of the same s3x is either ghey, bis3xual, or at least has tendencies. In any event, I’m not cool with being with a man who’s ghey, bi, gheyish, or bi-ish. I can’t be in a relationship with someone who would hide something like that.
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OrangeStar616 {November 4th, 2009 at 11:34 am}
@Voiceovereason, pretty much!!!!
Those kind of lies cut so deep……..you ultimately question whether everything was lie???
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Yeah tell your girl…
It’s one thing to slip up… but a dude? A dude? You don’t just slip up with a… a dude???????????????
Nah… tell the girl. Like the late, great Pimp C said, if you ghey just be ghey… if you like bwoys then go ‘head and like bwoys… but don’t go around contaminating the p*zzy population like that.
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miss t-lee {November 4th, 2009 at 11:27 am}
@SouthernCharm,
You know I love you for quoting Pimp C right?
*daps*
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Voiceovereason {November 4th, 2009 at 11:28 am}
@SouthernCharm,
“Like the late, great Pimp C said, if you ghey just be ghey… if you like bwoys then go ‘head and like bwoys… but don’t go around contaminating the p*zzy population like that.”
I love this!
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The Champ {November 4th, 2009 at 12:06 pm}
@SouthernCharm,
but don’t go around contaminating the p*zzy population like that.
i feel the exact same way about lil wayne
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Sula {November 4th, 2009 at 3:04 pm}
@SouthernCharm,
Right??
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So, is um, “stressed” code for “loves man-meat?”
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OrangeStar616 {November 4th, 2009 at 11:31 am}
@Cheekie, really tho??? WTF
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what kind of sh*t young????
So the question is would I want to know if my man is bi and cheated on me with another guy but it was never going to happen again????
To answer this question, your orientation should have been disclosed to me EARLY, and cheating with a male stripper tho ????
I can’t…..I will say this tho to quote George Michael ” to the heart and mind, ignorance is kind” ….very kind honey in alot of instances..but thats because alot of people aren’t living truthfully TBW, whateva that truth may be…….
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The Champ {November 4th, 2009 at 12:07 pm}
@OrangeStar616,
I can’t…..I will say this tho to quote George Michael ” to the heart and mind, ignorance is kind” ….very kind honey in alot of instances..but thats because alot of people aren’t living truthfully TBW, whateva that truth may be…….
reading that just made me cross-eyed
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OrangeStar616 {November 4th, 2009 at 12:25 pm}
@The Champ, SMH…..similar to the side eye your post produced, what kind of f*&kery??? LLS
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Cheekie {November 4th, 2009 at 1:26 pm}
@The Champ,
“reading that just made me cross-eyed”
I think it matches your pigeon-toed walk.
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OrangeStar616 {November 4th, 2009 at 2:02 pm}
@Cheekie, I thought it was more knock kneed LOL
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Well, dayum. I do believe you have left me speechless and sht.
This is one of those things where I really have to say that I would have to ‘burn that bridge when I cross it.’
Off the rip, I have no answer.
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The Champ {November 4th, 2009 at 12:08 pm}
@SexyCool,
I do believe you have left me speechless and sht.
if i had a dollar…
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Unanimous {November 4th, 2009 at 2:14 pm}
@The Champ,
You’d have a dollar.
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I can’t reply directly to your comment @Champ but it’s not just knowing for the sake of knowing. If a man I married slept with another man at any point in his life our entire relationship is based on a lie. I ask have you ever engaged in any homosexual practices which means giving or receiving the tool to or from a man, are you bisesual or bi-curious. If you answered yes to any of these I WOULD NOt start or continue a relationship with that man. I don’t think any person that is “happily married” wakes up one day and says hmmm I’ll chex someone of the same gender today. They’ve been curious all along and finally got the balls to try it. If you knew u were curious u should have told me the truth. Don’t start or continue a relationship under false pretenses. I can not stand lies.
How do you know there’s no possibility of it happening again?
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The Champ {November 4th, 2009 at 12:13 pm}
@Satya,
How do you know there’s no possibility of it happening again?
because the incident took place in the hypothetical scenario world where the champ is completely omniscient.
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you know, i’m actually in the “i’d want to know” camp as well, but i’m trying to understand why. for those who feel the same way, why is it so important to us to know the entire truth and to always keep it real, and why would we prefer to take the red (knowing everything) pill, when the blue would allow us to stay happy and ignorant to something thats has no effect on us anyway? what makes an relatively insignificant truth so damn important?
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OrangeStar616 {November 4th, 2009 at 12:49 pm}
@The Champ, @The Champ, the truth about who someone really is, is never insignificant..when you know the truth about someone or something then you have a better understanding lending itself to wisdom, and a truer basis from which to choose wisely, producing a truer and wise choice.
But when things are based on lies you are cheated out of this process because folk are making choices for you.
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Smiley Face {November 4th, 2009 at 1:28 pm}
@The Champ,
insignificant truth…? o_O i don’t understand how a LIE this big is insignificant and how it won’t affect whomever is involved…even if it doesn’t affect the cheatee, it’s going to affect the cheater somehow, some way. whether the get a bid head from knowing they got away with it or they suffer from guilt or just get stressed the hell out from knowing what they did or it just makes them callous (IMO) that they can break a promise and not care, or that they take away my choice..just like I chose to enter into this relationship with you, let me choose if i want to stay with a liar. that’s not insignificant to me. Regardless of the possibility of it happening again or not ..you still take my choice away with your lie.
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atltx {November 4th, 2009 at 6:44 pm}
@The Champ,
it’s the truth dammit…it’s really that simple.
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so i agree i wouldnt really want to know… given the circumstances. but if it was an ongoing thing… i guess an actual affair… then yah id want to know
“but…what if the stripper was a man?” lmao….. well then clearly he is confused && its best we part ways so he can figure things out.
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QUESTION FOR THE MEN: Let’s say the situation was reversed and your woman is the one who cheated on you….. would it make a difference if it was with a man or a woman?
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The Champ {November 4th, 2009 at 3:21 pm}
@AnonyMiss,
for me it wouldnt
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HabitualLineCrossa {November 4th, 2009 at 3:37 pm}
@AnonyMiss, Lets explore. One scenario leads to a body being found in the harbor…another…a whole new dynamic in our relationship provided I can join. If the answer is I am not welcome…well them dayum, we have an open relationship/marriage or none. And if we decide, since I cannot join, that she wants to go back to monogamy…then I have a freebie.
So yeah, the other party makes all the difference in the world.
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Caballeroso {November 4th, 2009 at 4:06 pm}
@AnonyMiss,
Yes!!! It definitely makes a difference. Like someone indicated in an earlier post, if some other dude has been all up my SO, we got problems, it’s time that she and I part ways.
If I discover that she has had relations with another female on the other hand, a) I don’t regard that as cheating, b) I’d want to know if that was a one time thing as well as many other details regarding the physical and emotional aspects of it, and c) I would thank her for telling me, let her know that I remain supportive of her, and let her know that if she chooses to continue to indulge in that type of interaction it is not an issue so long as she does not do so to an extent that is detrimental to what she and I have. Further, if she wants me to assist in her tryst, again, I am there for her as her supportive SO.
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HabitualLineCrossa {November 4th, 2009 at 4:29 pm}
@Caballeroso, “b) I’d want to know if that was a one time thing as well as many other details regarding the physical…”
Cut you off here cos the rest are just minor details LOL!!
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Caballeroso {November 4th, 2009 at 7:29 pm}
@HabitualLineCrossa,
good point.
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what a tangled web we weave. i don’t know if i would necessarily say anything especially if i never planned on doing it again and i didn’t have anyway of getting caught. my conscious would eat me alive though. i guess i would say i wouldn’t put myself in that situation but isn’t that what everyone says before they find themselves in that situation?
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AnonyMiss {November 4th, 2009 at 12:46 pm}
@Tunde,
“guess i would say i wouldn’t put myself in that situation but isn’t that what everyone says before they find themselves in that situation?”
Are you saying that it’s possible that you could one day find yourself cheating on your S.O. with a male stripper? lol
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Tunde {November 4th, 2009 at 1:23 pm}
@AnonyMiss, no i was saying…never mind. lol
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ignorance is bliss, but the truth shall set yhu free. cheating is a no no for me. I don’t accept him ever doing it because i wouldn’t do it. end of discussion. i think everybody’s been in a situation where they could’ve cheated, but it takes self control, love, and empathy for yhur partner not to . cuz let’s be real, yhu had a bad day, yy rr yhu going anywhere other than home in the first place. isn’t yhur wife supposed to be yhur best friend…i may have on rose-colored glasses, but whatever. i say tell me, always tell me, and then let me decide what I wanna do. don’t let me sit around looking stupid. just cuz i don’t know doesnt mean someone else won’t find out. idc if it’s a man, if it’s a woman, a midget, a cat, or an apple pie…tell me.
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AnonyMiss {November 4th, 2009 at 12:49 pm}
@juanita Pistolas,
“just cuz i don’t know doesnt mean someone else won’t find out. ”
other than wanting to be aware so i can leave… this is perhaps one of the biggest reasons why i would want to be told if i was cheated on… i really dont want to deal with the embarrassment/anger/hurt of being told by someone else that my S.O. is cheating before i come to suspect/confirm it myself.
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OrangeStar616 {November 4th, 2009 at 12:52 pm}
@AnonyMiss, I concur, hearing things from a third party just adds another layer and produces shame
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juanita Pistolas {November 4th, 2009 at 12:56 pm}
@AnonyMiss,
acuerdo. this world is to small for yhu to really get off scott free. somebody saw yhu talking to the stripper who goes to church with my auntie’s baby daddy’s mama && before yhu know it i’m getting a phone call from cousin Pam talking about how my nigga is gay.
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miss t-lee {November 4th, 2009 at 12:55 pm}
@juanita Pistolas,
I actually wouldn’t mind him getting it in with the apple pie.
*giggling*
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nikki87 {November 4th, 2009 at 2:29 pm}
@juanita Pistolas,
i agree. i hate being lied to. even if it’s a lil white lie, half a lie, not a really a lie, lie by omission, w/e…nothing cuts me deeper
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The Champ {November 4th, 2009 at 3:23 pm}
@juanita Pistolas,
welcome and sh*t (i think)
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This is like that riddle with the bus driver and all that unnecessary math… you know, where they ask you who drove the bus after you’ve added and subtracted 30 times.
But this is humorous, especially the last sentence. That’s all.
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The Champ {November 4th, 2009 at 3:24 pm}
@thismayconcernyou,
lol, no “letter to a blasian stripper”?
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Wow Champ! I wasn’t expecting that. Really thought provoking isht today.
If the other party is a man I’d like to know. When a man cheats with another woman I often think that he succumbed to temptation. You know, weak man theory and such. However if it comes out(…hehe) that my man is into men(…haha) then I’d feel as if I never knew him at all. There is a greater sense of betrayal. Allow me to decide IF I want to be in a relationship with a bi-chexual individual.
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The Champ {November 4th, 2009 at 3:25 pm}
@Ms. Hall,
Wow Champ! I wasn’t expecting that.
thats what she said
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Must be me…but I don’t get the difference between cheating with a the opposite sex vs the same sex…I mean i get it…betrayal, lies about who he/she is as was presented to you, blah blah blah..but isn’t cheating a lie to you from who your SO is anyway…? Maybe my big picture is different from some folks…me no know…
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Me fail english? {November 4th, 2009 at 2:10 pm}
@Smiley Face,
Yeah if I found out my mate was a chronic cheater I’d feel like that was an identity lie as well. The way champ makes this one sound it seems like a single mistake by an otherwise, faithful partner… But to some folks, once a cheater always a cheater, so its very possible there just that same double standard he was referring to.
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nikki87 {November 4th, 2009 at 2:21 pm}
@Me fail english?,
i can totally relate. u begin to question yourself like “what was it that i was or wasn’t doing that made him think to step out on me?”
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Smiley Face {November 4th, 2009 at 2:38 pm}
@nikki87,
that is the unavoidable question that comes with uncertainty of your position in this person’s life. you go from being “I am Always…” to “I am sometimes…” to “Am I really…?”
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HabitualLineCrossa {November 4th, 2009 at 3:23 pm}
@nikki87, this is a classic example of how women beat themselves up. If he does something with ANYBODY else, its not a question of you, but of him…period.
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nikki87 {November 4th, 2009 at 3:29 pm}
@HabitualLineCrossa,
actually this type of behaviour isn’t limited to women. i know quite a number of guys who were pretty messed up after they found out their gurl cheated on them and even started to question themselves. i think once u’ve invested a lot in your relationship and u were under the impression that everything was reciprocated then questions are bound to be there.
Me fail english? {November 4th, 2009 at 3:34 pm}
@HabitualLineCrossa,
Agree with you, but Nikki is also right. None of my male friends have admitted to being cheated on (Ok, one did, but we already knew before he came out with it) but I’ve seen dudes on Maury (the foremost authority on stable, healthy rel’ships) asking their cheating girlfriends “were you not satisfied in bed?” “what he got I dont got…other than teef?”, etc. You get the picture.
Smiley Face {November 4th, 2009 at 3:37 pm}
@HabitualLineCrossa,
I disagree…if he/she if telling you and showing you what you mean to him/her and how you are everything , you communicate well, you talk about everything, you’re happy…and then he/she cheats, that’s not beating yourself up, that’s questioning his/her lie (at least for me).
HabitualLineCrossa {November 4th, 2009 at 4:07 pm}
@Me fail english?…did you just refer to Maury as “the foremost authority on stable, health rel’ships”? yes…you definitely fail english.
I mean if dude asking “what the other dude got that he don’t got”, that’s why right there.
@nikki87 & Me fail english? ok…in my circles it tends to be the women that do this, but point taken.
If you, in your hearts of hearts, know who you are and more importantly love who you are, and someone cheats on you, then they the one with the problem… success and happiness are the best forms of revenge…second to murda.
Me fail english? {November 4th, 2009 at 4:11 pm}
@HabitualLineCrossa,
lol. “U iz hatten!!”
Smiley Face {November 4th, 2009 at 2:34 pm}
@Me fail english?,
See..that’s what I’m getting at…if you cheat on me, you are a liar…period, you may not ever cheat on me again but you will be forever a liar, (whether I found out or not) if not to me, then to yourself.
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Sula {November 4th, 2009 at 3:13 pm}
@Smiley Face,
Like Kamakula mentionned above, a lot of people don’t equate sex to love. So in some instances, the cheating is a sexual act and seems unrelated to the loving part of relationship (in the theory of The Champ where it’s a one-time thing)…
However, even a “one-time” thing with a male stripper denotes an “all-time” lie about your identity. Which puts the relationship in peril.
At least, that’s how I interpret the difference in the two scenarios about the blind blasian stripper.
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Me fail english? {November 4th, 2009 at 3:22 pm}
@Sula,
Well said. Also, I kinda expect both of us to lie/make a mistake at some point if the rel’ship goes on long enough. That’s why I make a distinction between the single lie and an ongoing lie. I honestly dont know if I could come back from my boyfriend/fiance cheating on me. My husband on the other hand, unless I found out he did it more than once, I’d probably attempt to rebuild. I was Team Miranda (SATC movie) and all but I was happy she met Steve on the bridge
.
Smiley Face {November 4th, 2009 at 3:31 pm}
@Sula,
I don’t care what folk outside of my relationship relate sex to..if you are in a commitment to me and you take any parts of that commitment from me and give it to someone else…you lied whether I know it or not. Sex, in this case, is the physical manifestation of the lie.
HabitualLineCrossa {November 4th, 2009 at 4:19 pm}
@Smiley Face,
“I disagree…if he/she if telling you and showing you what you mean to him/her and how you are everything , you communicate well, you talk about everything, you’re happy…and then he/she cheats, that’s not beating yourself up, that’s questioning his/her lie (at least for me).”
Nikki87 said “i can totally relate. u begin to question yourself like “what was it that i was or wasn’t doing that made him think to step out on me?””
That to me is beating yourself up. Some people just cheat. Whether they don’t have the ability to see and preserve a good thing/the constant need to cause drama in their lives/greed/whatever it may be…its on them. As with every mature adult you reflect on whether you played your role they way you should have/were expected to. You answer yes then you good. You start saying your boyfriend is messing around on you and you wonder what you did to make this happen, ESP when things are great…its an exercise in futility. Actually no, one that leads you feeling sh!tty bout yourself that the next man is gonna have to shovel.
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i’d wanna know simply bcuz relationships are built on trust, honesty and loyalty. i’m sry, but i’d feel messed the hell up if u’re going through some things and didn’t feel like u could talk to me about it. i don’t care if u cheat with a man or woman, cheating is cheating. plus how could u be so sure that it’d never happen again? i mean, let’s get real. he’s in a happy relationship, u said so. he gets so stressed out that he decides to step out like that?? it’s a tad bit extreme for a one time indiscretion
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The Champ {November 4th, 2009 at 3:31 pm}
@nikki87,
plus how could u be so sure that it’d never happen again?
because thats how things work in the hypothetical scenario world
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I think we’re reading too deeply into something that’s simple. No one wants to be lied to and deceived, and you’re a fool if you knowingly allow yourself to be lied to and deceived.
In this instance, why hide it? Because you want to protect her or yourself? Because you’re afraid she might think you’re ghey? Shouldn’t have messed with a dude then.
I’m a Sith… I only deal in absolutes. LOL
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The Champ {November 4th, 2009 at 3:34 pm}
@SouthernCharm,
and you’re a fool if you knowingly allow yourself to be lied to and deceived
does this make you a fool though? maybe that persons decision not to entertain unneeded stress makes them smarter than the rest of us
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Smiley Face {November 4th, 2009 at 3:40 pm}
@The Champ, “maybe that persons decision not to entertain unneeded stress makes them smarter than the rest of us”
or selfish as hell…
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SouthernCharm {November 4th, 2009 at 4:41 pm}
@The Champ,
“does this make you a fool though? maybe that persons decision not to entertain unneeded stress makes them smarter than the rest of us”
well, when you word it that way… it makes them a fool and a fool in denial.
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Here’s the real double standard plaguing me. I’d wanna know ALL the situations. I’m nosy like that. But would I ever tell about my own ish? Probably not. For the reasons Champ listed above (I dont think I’ll do it again so what he doesnt know wont hurt him) and because I’m just selfish like that.
Who’s with me?!
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Sula {November 4th, 2009 at 3:14 pm}
@Me fail english?,
I am with you.
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Um yeah…
Party foul.
The enlightened, non-judgemental side of me says, “I don’t wnt to know.” If the paragraph about no evidence, residual damage or chance that you’ll ever do it again id true, I don’t need to think about that…
NOW, the neck/eye rollin, loud/smart mouth IGNANT sista in me wants to know, cause I will KICK YO AZZ for being undercover and not telling me. Then I’d promptly dump you. So…yeah.
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The Champ {November 4th, 2009 at 3:37 pm}
@MyzDevyneOne,
The enlightened, non-judgemental side of me says, “I don’t wnt to know.” If the paragraph about no evidence, residual damage or chance that you’ll ever do it again id true, I don’t need to think about that…
NOW, the neck/eye rollin, loud/smart mouth IGNANT sista in me wants to know, cause I will KICK YO AZZ for being undercover and not telling me. Then I’d promptly dump you. So…yeah.
lol, i wonder which side is going to live longer
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@ Sula…my last point I believe addresses this and is a win win for everybody. If gay/bi folks are allowed to openly discuss thoughts/feelings/activities where they were both willing and unwilling participants…openly explore where they are most comfortable, I think everyone would be better off.
You say you don’t want to have sex with a gay person. I say if we foster an environment conducive to open dialogue about one of the most taboo topics in our community, chances are, you won’t ever have to worry about it because they will be able to tell you up front thus maintain honest communication…what more can one ask for.
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Sula {November 4th, 2009 at 3:16 pm}
@HabitualLineCrossa,
I definitely agree with that line of thinking. And I am pro-ghey myself. I am just not pro-having sex with a ghey man.
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Me fail english? {November 4th, 2009 at 3:17 pm}
@HabitualLineCrossa,
True that. Homophobia makes me a sad panda…really, anytime ppl dont mind their biz (whether its because of fear, anxiety or just plain dislike of gays) I dont get it. In the meantime, I cant account for other people’s cruelty/coldness. So he still has a responsibility to be truthful with me. I’d hope that my gay husband, even if he’s not in love with or attracted to me, would trust that I wouldnt do something so sadistic as “outting” him. Or at least be merciful enough to not keep me holding on to smthg I can NEVER have. Plus, after all these years he should know that my gaydar is shot so it’s not really my fault that I didnt notice he liked boys
.
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OrangeStar616 {November 4th, 2009 at 3:32 pm}
@HabitualLineCrossa, I am not homophobic in the least, matter fact I get MUCH love from openly gay men/a.k.a. the chirrens chile, most of them are very cool peoples and loves a fly b*tch LOL…thats not the issue, the issue is the DL dudes fear and cowardice, wanting it both ways without the womans knowledge or consent to such ……..
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HabitualLineCrossa {November 4th, 2009 at 4:39 pm}
@OrangeStar616, its obvious we are talking about this cos said parties don’t feel comfortable to come out and discuss these things with their partners. We obviously cannot force truth from folks, but we are in the position to support, and not denigrate, those that do by creating an environment conducive for others to follow suit. Not saying any one in particular, just us as a community.
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OrangeStar616 {November 4th, 2009 at 4:48 pm}
@HabitualLineCrossa, I am totally for that.
Personally my capacity for understanding and empathizing is great as in vast…….thats why its so hurtful when folks choose to deceive instead of just comign clean, you never know what folk may understand or what kind of relationship you can have truthfully if you don’t try………@ the very least good friends I would bet more times than naught, cause folk tend to respect honesty even if they don’t agree with it.
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okay okay okay okay what do you get when you cross a black hole the anti-christ pandora’s box
jim jones ehehehehehe
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The Champ {November 4th, 2009 at 3:38 pm}
@WuDaMan,
LOL
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Just curious:
For the men, you’re already married, dont want children. Now what if your wife used to be a man? Would you want a full disclosure or just keep it on the low so you dont blow a gasket? I mean if she’s like that “girl” from Top Model or those “women” in Brazil she should have all the same parts. Even a little cubbyhole for you to hide salami.
*is not expecting an honest answer*
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Caballeroso {November 4th, 2009 at 4:32 pm}
@Me fail english?,
I’m throwing up while plotting a hate crime.
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OrangeStar616 {November 4th, 2009 at 4:40 pm}
@Me fail english?, girl you know, they’d kill a bish for real……I just had a flashback from the movie Bachelor Party LMAO
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Humble_One {November 4th, 2009 at 4:48 pm}
@Me fail english?,
NO!! Completely, Totally, Absolutely, Unacceptable.
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Me fail english? {November 4th, 2009 at 5:29 pm}
@Humble_One,
No, you dont want the disclosure or nOoooooOoo, I cant even wrap my head around this?
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HabitualLineCrossa {November 4th, 2009 at 4:56 pm}
@Me fail english?, thanks…now I gotta go hire a P.I. to look into this for every woman I can remember that I been with.
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Voiceovereason {November 4th, 2009 at 5:32 pm}
@Me fail english?,
cubbyhole…LMAO!!!!
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atltx {November 4th, 2009 at 6:40 pm}
@Me fail english?,
I AIN”Ted never seent a self lubricating cubbyhole…you stank!
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Damn shame what these women go through…
Oh well, I rest easy knowing that 2 out of 5 women that I come across are bi- or try sexual. Seems like it…
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Damn. I always think I see it coming. Then BAM! Gots to watch for the right. LOL
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Thank you GEM…
How does a person spark in two different places within a relatively short time period?
If I’m about to spark in one spot…I cut all my other potentials off till I’m done with that serial dating episode.
There’s a way to do everything…
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@ Mini
“Roll the credits”
LOL, love that. It would be a wrap no matter how much I loved the man, I love my health more. AIDS and other STD’s are real and I’ll be damned if I’m going out behind somebody else’s denial and negligence. Let me know. Honesty is ALWAYS the best policy.
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