hello.
my name is the champ, and i’m the coolest muthaf*cker any of you will ever meet.
i’m cool ass hell. i’m cooler than ice, ice water, ice cream, and debra lee
i’m to cool what crackheads are to home depot parking lots. if “being cool” was “being black”, i’d be the back of shaq’s neck
my coolness is all-encompassing, incessant, omnipotent, and a bunch of other SAT words i could have used because i’m too cool to just say “big”, bitch.
my cool plays chess while your cool eats checkers.
f*ck king kong, the other side of the pillow aint got sh*t on me
basically, i’m the sh*t
being this cool didn’t happen overnight though. while i was born with many inherently cool-ass qualities (dark-brown skin the color of a clear cup of raspberry iced tea, an egg head, an anadromic first name, a shrimp eating mother and a dad with a fro the size of pam oliver’s ass, etc), its taken a bit of work¹ to become the emo mandingo. and, while none of you lukewarm n*ggas will ever be as ice cold as me, here’s ten ways to help you to be the sh*t too
1. answer questions that were never even asked
nothing says emo mandingo like a bespectacled brother who’s asked a question but responds to it with an answer the person wasn’t even asking about.
for instance:
lukewarm n*gga: “yo. did you hear that new ghostface joint?”
emo mandingo: “nah, i don’t want any steak. i’m probably going to get some pizza later anyway”
see?
2. joke about being a nerd
when around company, refer to yourself as a “nerd” or “nerdy” even though you know you haven’t seen the inside of a library since the second season of twin peaks.
3. make randomly nonchalant analogies that noone in their right mind would ever understand, and allusions to people no one has ever heard of
lukewarm n*gga: “yo see that dunk lebron had last night?”
emo mandingo: “yeah, dawg. that sh*t was harder than a bowl of cream of wheat”
lukewarm n*gga: “huh?”
emo mandingo: “seriously. he got higher than a mexican papsmear. the only other cat i’ve ever seen jump like that is roscoe chang”
4. don’t drive anywhere, ever
walk if you can. if you can’t walk, bus. if you can’t bus, go back to sleep
this, by the way, only works if you actually own a car
5. make faces at people
sometimes, your flagrantly excessive coolness will be so overwhelming that words won’t possess the worthiness to leave your cool-ass lips. plus, remember: you’re the emo mandingo. actually speaking all the time is for the lukewarm.
why say a sentence or type a paragraph when a series of simple shrugs or squints will suffice? so what if a sneer doesn’t really translate over the phone. you’re the cool one; the pressure’s on their lukewarm ass to interpret what you’re saying
6. pay for stuff that you can easily get for free
***actually, this only applies to water, babies, drinking straws, purple objects, jitneys, and porn.***
7. start a completely impractical trend
in the summer of 2002, i began wearing inside-out dress shirts to bed at night. why? well, i’m the sh*t, which means that i don’t have to explain sh*t to you.
8. take showers during thunderstorms
cumulonimbus deez, bitch
9. give yourself three completely eclectic for no damn reason theme songs, and play them in your head when you’re talking to white people
for me, monday through thursday its marvin gaye’s “trouble man”. friday’s its fiona apples rendition of “across the universe”, and on the weekends its a collection of cat farts i recorded in the fall of 2007.
10. be unnecessarily descriptive and vulgar when people least expect it
lukewarm n*gga: “hey, can you have those reports done by 3 o clock?”
emo mandingo: “yeah, boss. i’ll knock them out when i get back from getting head on my lunch break from that waffle house waitress i met two weekends ago”
lukewarm n*gga to himself: “damn. how the hell can one man be so damn cool?”
exactly, lukewarm n*ggas. exactly.
anyway people of vsb, although i know that none of you will ever be as cool as me, how exactly are you the sh*t, and what advice would you give people hoping to be as sh*tty as you?
¹by “work” i just mean “living“, because emo mandingos don’t work for sh*t
—the champ
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{ 271 comments… read them below or add one }
My lukewarm ass is cracking up!
@EbonyI,
i think thats a sign
@The Champ,
Of?
@Cheekie,
deez
@The Champ,
Hopefully it’s a “STOP” sign.
<–Able to challenge dudes' video game skills (not madden/ncaa/COD…actual games non casual gamers play), reference anime characters, program websites and applications…then turn around and cook you a nice spread with a desert of head…in lingerie and 3 inch heels.
It's the little things.
@KaNisa, I think I just had a nerdgasm. Will you marry me.
@Deus Ex Machina,
“nerdgasm”
How is this different from the regular Big O?
@Ivy St.,
I think during a nerdgasm, you go into convulsions in nerd-speak. Sort of like the nerd voice Conan O’Brien makes, maybe…*kanyeshrug*
@KaNisa, What counts as a non casual gamer game?
@Plain Ole Peyso, I’m all late…
But examples would be Deus Ex, anything from the mind of Hideki Kamiya, Final Fantasy ###, God of War, Old school puter games like the Zork or Monkey Island series…etc.
@KaNisa,
lol, i thiink you should have left this as a comment on yesterdays post
know a couple random words in other languages then when someone fluent tries to engage in that language (the one you frontin like you know)…..kiss that mafuc*er right on the cheek…….walk away holdin ya balls…….either you are the coolest nigga eva, or you are batshit crazy……either way your legend will live on like Ron Burgandy
@Blacklaw,
This is brillant. I speak French, but find myself doing this in Spanish and Italian…I’ve yet to follow through with the kiss, but great advice. haha
@Blacklaw, LMAO… now that’s a coll muthfucka *side eye*
@Blacklaw,
I will go for that in an instant. The visual is hilarious!
@Blacklaw, love it! ha. i’d remember that person forever. lol.
I pull dimes like Scrooge McDuck, pimp. Where them squares at? I can kick em some game, but it’ll cost.
@Dr Hak,
welcome and sh*t
@Dr Hak, boooooooo
so you’re basically saying be Ron Burgundy?
*shrugs* when in rome… oh wait, that actually could apply here. nevermind.
@Gem of the Ocean,
“I don’t know how to put this but I’m kind of a big deal. People know me. I’m very important. I have many leather-bound books and my apartment smells of rich mahogany.”
@Tunde,
dont worry. youll find it.
@Tunde, You’re all over the place quoting my favorite movies.
“Veronica and I trying this new fad called uh, jogging. I believe it’s jogging or yogging. it might be a soft j. I’m not sure but apparently you just run for an extended period of time. It’s supposed to be wild.”
@Plain Ole Peyso,
Bwahahaha!
@Plain Ole Peyso,
i love any movie with will ferrell and/or vince vaughn in it. exception is semi-pro. i hate that movie.
@Tunde,
Vince Vaughn gets me every time. He sees every joke to the end.
@Gem of the Ocean,
you look like a blueberry!
@Gem of the Ocean,
Oh Ron, there are literally thousands of other men that I should be with instead, but I am 72 percent sure that I love you.
that’s a hot pic of dude with the balls
@drea,
are you referring to george gervin or the picture of me on my facebook page?
emo mandingo = hipster?
@Rae, drop of golden sun,
what did you just call me???
@Rae, drop of golden sun,
emo mandingo = not Kobe
wait, ” if “being cool” was “being black”, i’d be the back of shaq’s neck”
i can’t deal. shaq does have a black ass neck. like he washes up with the rag you use to wipe down the dipstick when you are checking your oil levels in your car.
“3. make randomly nonchalant analogies that noone in their right mind would ever understand, and allusions to people no one has ever heard of.”
- i think i’m going to try this one this weekend.
@Tunde,
i can’t deal. shaq does have a black ass neck. like he washes up with the rag you use to wipe down the dipstick when you are checking your oil levels in your car.
i think its that way because his height gets him closer to the sun
:-/ ……. :-l ……….
…… :-I
iDied at number 9 and the cat farts. too much. thanks for distracting me from this max weber reading.
@puff,
why the hell are you reading max weber
@puff,
I’m not sure how he was able to record cat farts since they tend to be silent killers. I think he meant cat coughs.
AND Debra Lee??
Well damn. Yous a cool ass muthaf*ka, Champ & yes… this post is most def a sign The Champ might be losing his f*cking mind but it’s hilarious as all get out if nothing else.
My advice to ppl wanting to be as cool as me is to get rid of just about everyone in your life because when you have ppl in your life, they expect things of you and seriously
who needs that kind of pressure?
@Made In Hawaii,
I pretty much agree with both of your paragraphs especially the point about Champ losing it. Sad thing is, my only comments were a series of smilies representing my emotions after reading this…which I realized only after posting makes me fall into one of his “cool” categories… which I find disturbing because I think all of those things are just odd. But when you’re the ish you can be odd, right? *shrugs*
“…get rid of just about everyone in your life because when you have ppl in your life, they expect things of you and seriously who needs that kind of pressure?”
*hugs you* lol
@Ashleyg,
But when you’re the ish you can be odd, right? *shrugs*
no. everyone else might be odd, but you never will
Randomly speak in prose. Also, refer to yourself in the 3rd person when speaking about your feelings.
That’s how you channel my Diva. Just saying.
@chaoticdiva,
LMBO! love that!
@chaoticdiva,
“Randomly speak in prose. Also, refer to yourself in the 3rd person when speaking about your feelings.”
We call this something else in the Neuroscience/Psychology world…
@Ivy St.,
lmao “auditory verbal hallucinations” anyone??
@Gem of the Ocean,
DING DING! Those are the positive symptoms.
Champie, tell her what she’s won!
ok now that wendy is over i can share with vsb how to be as grand as Gemmy…
conjugate words other than verbs.
be bold, make a simple noun a gerund. then use it haphazardly in a sentence. por ejemplo…
sbSQUAREpants: “ay, whatchu up to this wknd?”
spicyGEMbalya: “not much, just amygadalating”
remember, only the lame and faint of heart are subject to abiding by the laws of english grammar. think AND speak outside the [voice] box.
“when in rome it”
meaning respond to serious (even professional) discourse with movie lines or music lyrics that dont actually apply to the situation.
“just jack! 2001 it”
meaning promote yourself as a superstar entertainer with absolutely NO credentials or accolades and dare somebody to say otherwise. besides, if you THINK it, you achieved it, right??
inappropriately touch the person youre with in public
and i dont mean in a chexual way. like, casually take a strand of hair (yours or theirs) and insert it into their ear. or dig your finger in their neck space where youd put a tracheotomy. pull at their arm hair (if applicable) and try to lift and move like a puppet. you get the idea… point is, all others are dispensable and to be used at your discretion.
make mandates to inanimate objects
for instance, when you set your alcoholic beverage down on a table or the bar say “hold this for me”. when you walk through doors or other openings (pause) say “open up, coming through” (wait for it…. thats what he said). never take for granted that “things” need instruction too.
@Gem of the Ocean,
make mandates to inanimate objects
for instance, when you set your alcoholic beverage down on a table or the bar say “hold this for me”. when you walk through doors or other openings (pause) say “open up, coming through” (wait for it…. thats what he said). never take for granted that “things” need instruction too.
*____________________________________*
@Gem of the Ocean,
I like the mandates. I’m using the mandates. Your mandates now belong to Diva.
@Gem of the Ocean,
make mandates to inanimate objects
for instance, when you set your alcoholic beverage down on a table or the bar say “hold this for me”. when you walk through doors or other openings (pause) say “open up, coming through” (wait for it…. thats what he said). never take for granted that “things” need instruction too .
LMAO!! Loves it! I try this out tonight.
@Gem of the Ocean, Yous cool muthafuka!
@Gem of the Ocean,
inappropriately touch the person youre with in public
and i dont mean in a chexual way. like, casually take a strand of hair (yours or theirs) and insert it into their ear. or dig your finger in their neck space where youd put a tracheotomy. pull at their arm hair (if applicable) and try to lift and move like a puppet. you get the idea… point is, all others are dispensable and to be used at your discretion.
make mandates to inanimate objects
for instance, when you set your alcoholic beverage down on a table or the bar say “hold this for me”. when you walk through doors or other openings (pause) say “open up, coming through” (wait for it…. thats what he said). never take for granted that “things” need instruction too.
these both sound like “things that happen at every game night”
@The Champ,
lol which is why game night is only for cool kids.
@Gem of the Ocean,
Not amygadalating! I’m telling your dad that you used his word.
@Ivy St.,
lmao he would charge me a penalty fee for copy right infringement.
@Gem of the Ocean,
“just jack! 2001 it”
Complete with hands cradling the face for effect!!
@Sula,
yesssssssssssssssss!!!
@Gem of the Ocean,
“make mandates to inanimate objects
for instance, when you set your alcoholic beverage down on a table or the bar say “hold this for me”. when you walk through doors or other openings (pause) say “open up, coming through” (wait for it…. thats what he said). never take for granted that “things” need instruction too.”
I really liked this one. I talk to my car sometimes when I’m driving. Like when I”m passing people I’ll say to my Magnum with a Hemi, “That’s right, get up for daddy.”
Is that strange?
@Big Man,
Is that strange?
It’s only strange if you are amongst the lukewarm…
@Big Man,
it by “magnum w/ a hemi” you mean your girl, then no.
@Gem of the Ocean,
“make mandates to inanimate objects
for instance, when you set your alcoholic beverage down on a table or the bar say “hold this for me”. when you walk through doors or other openings (pause) say “open up, coming through” (wait for it…. thats what he said). never take for granted that “things” need instruction too.”
LMFAO!!!!!!!
My mama totally does this. Well, not so much giving them mandates but when she bumps into mannequins, she says, “Excuse me”. She’s a little nuts, though. I love her.
@Cheekie,
lmao cheeks i know yo mama crazy, you gotta get it from somewhere!
i am notorious for speaking to inanimate objects. ppl think im just jokey jokin. but im quite sin-surr.
@Gem of the Ocean,
I shouldn’t admit this, but as soon as I saw “just jack” I did the hand gesture. That fool is one of my favorite characters.
laid out in lavender…
@london,
why are you giving us the finger?
@The Champ,
‘Cause he cool like that?
ALWAYS talk about sustainability and being green and ish, but litter like crazy.
if someone dare ask you why you threw out not only the box, but the unused portion of the contents in your Dark and Lovely Gentle-laxer kit, out of the window of your Hummer on the freeway, respond by saying it is biodegradable (if you choose to respond, because really you don’t owe anyone an apology). in fact whatever you throw away on the street, on the freeway, on your co-workers desk etc, is biodegradable.
p.s. this post confused the hell outta me and this is the first thing that came to mind
@Naomi,
It actually makes all in the sense in the world to me. But then sh*todomer is at like level 332. So that may not be the most comforting thing.
@Naomi,
p.s. this post confused the hell outta me and this is the first thing that came to mind
lukewarm ass
Always find a way to make your opinion the majority.
lukewarm: N*gga you don’t look nothin like him
Me: I got 6 blind b*itches that say I do, So wat you knw?
@Kirk Lazarus,
this works, especially if you take the 6 blind b*tches with you wherever you go
@Kirk Lazarus,
lmao
Randomly answe questions with church jargon:
lukewarm: What kind of cheese you want?
ME: The DEVIL IS A LIE!
Make up random stats:
“60% of the time it works everytime”
“I was man of the decade for 1988″
@Kirk Lazarus,
“Make up random stats”
Champie Poo poo is really good for doing this. LOL!
@Ivy St.,
lol, sure is.
I do 1, 2, 3, 5, 7, 9, and 10.
How to be like P.:
- Whoever said “when in Rome,” I learned Latin just so I can get my Augustus on around unsuspecting people, translating coins and state mottos just because I muthaf*ckin can.
- Be capable of responding to literally anything with a movie quote or song lyric.
- When talking to someone, change accents mid-sentence just to see if people notice. Or, mock their accent and mannerisms.
- Only call people on 1s, 3s, or 7s (11:37, 4:41, etc.)
- When people ask for the time, answer without checking. Just throw a number out and see what happens.
Just because I’m kidding doesn’t mean I’m not dead serious.
@P., “When people ask for the time, answer without checking. Just throw a number out and see what happens.”
Ok, I total do this. I been trying to tell time without for a while now. I’m usually off by 10mins.
@Mr. Gundam,
me too. i can usually guess within 7 minutes now. sometimes i’ll even look up at the sun before i respond, like i can read it’s positioning and sh*t
@P.
Be capable of responding to literally anything with a movie quote or song lyric.
O. So I totally do this daily. And song’ll do. But my movies of choice is Goldmember, 40YOV, Anchorman, and Chapelle Show, not tech a movie but you get my drift.
@P., “Just because I’m kidding doesn’t mean I’m not dead serious:
Is this t-shirt worthy?… I would wear it.
@Yeah…SO?!,
I’d wear it too!
@Yeah…SO?!,
I would too.
@Yeah…SO?!,
I’d totally rock this.
@Yeah…SO?!,
Yeah, I’d so rock this on casual Friday. I mean, our firm doesn’t let us wear shirts with phrases on them (sensitive arse HR folks…lol), but this would be worth it. (I’ll bring a hoodie jacket to put over it ’cause I ain’t tryna be escorted out and ish)
@Yeah…SO?!, absolutely T-Shirt approved
@Yeah…SO?!,
Just because I’m kidding doesn’t mean I’m not dead serious .
OMG this is me all day everyday. I kid A LOT, but 98% of the time, I am dead azz serious.
@Yeah…SO?!,
A wise man once told me that most of the things I say are indeed t-shirt worthy.
LOL heres a few that I do on the regular:
Train people who know you: Get to the point where you can get anyone’s attention just by whistling.
lukewarm n*gga: “yo!! Andrew”
emo mandingo: “*whistle* lukewarm n*gga turns around and greets”
If you gonna talk about Politics, society, or philosophy always have a references from a books and articles: Never over explain a concept to an adult. Always explain these subjects in an fun way t children. Not only will people know that you are the sh*t but, from then on people will refer to you as “professor or Mr.” out of respect.
When someone try to insult you on the sneak tip, politely call there ass out. Example: I was sitting with some dude and his girl (who I knew) making convo. He said the organization I work for probably won’t be around much longer. I said “My organization is as necessary as water is to an ocean” His girl chucked, he looked like bobo the fool
@Mr. Gundam,
When someone try to insult you on the sneak tip, politely call there ass out.
polite? i’m not aware of this word. what does it mean?
*All of the above tips are uber useful and about to be worked into my life.
*Answer ridiculous questions with ridiculously dead-panned answers:
Example. My flatmate and I were discussing China’s rise and the implications, lame, lame, lame. He asked me if I thought Americans hated China and I said I do. And continued to poor my tea.
He stood there, mouth open looking lukewarm and basic.
Example two:During the election people asked me, in gest, if I didn’t like Hillary Clinton because she was a woman.My response:That is exactly accurate.
*Have a quirk. I write my “Fs” backwards. Why?Because at the ripe age of 12 I decided they look better that way.*kanyeshrug* Have teachers asked what’s wrong? Sure,one good time and I asked her to look at my grades and see if there was anything wrong. Got ‘em coach.
I don’t have to explain myself to basic people.Hmph.
@KayBeezy,
That’s my motto in life if you are going to ask an obtuse question… you will get an equal or greater obtuse answer…
@KayBeezy, This post is regotdamndiculous…….i love it. I say good day sir.
@KayBeezy,
I write my “Fs” backwards. Why?Because at the ripe age of 12 I decided they look better that way.*kanyeshrug*
Ok, the VSB consortium is officially responsible for my unceremonious death. It was written.
- – - – - – - – - —- —– —– —– ————————–
#9: I knew I wasn’t nuts for playing Talking Heads’ “PsychoKiller” in my head while listening to my colleagues!
My cool?
1.Anthropomorphism. I had an argument w/ a systems admin. ’bout 1 month ago: I said the server he setup for a test application was nothing but a “Pro-anna, frail and failed Next Top Model” where as the virtual server I installed was Henry Rollins, therefore, he and his weak-ass app. would be pummeled into the ground. *He greets me w/ a scared/goofy grin every morning since then.
2.Refer intermittently to what you’d be doing right now in a parallel universe i.e. : “We’re watching this lame power point presentation right now, but in a parallel universe, I’m hula-hooping my way to a new Guinness World Record.”
3.I’ve worn designer glasses (frames only, lenses knocked out) off and on for years… simply to watch people’s faces while they try figure out if I need them or not.
@GeekChicness, BTW I know (based on yesterday’s post) that many folks can get ill over the ‘fake glasses’ game… but please realize that the ‘glasses w/out glasses’ bit has caused great and delicious confusion amongst neighbors, friends and co-workers alike= daily delight for me.
As I am already an official Nerd (I work on all of the DOS machines at work willingly people!), folks already know I’m not trying to fake any type of extra smartness:geek is as geek does.
*in fake British accent*To my further optically challenged VSBs and VSSs= please take no offense to my shenanigans.
@GeekChicness,
1.Anthropomorphism. I had an argument w/ a systems admin. ’bout 1 month ago: I said the server he setup for a test application was nothing but a “Pro-anna, frail and failed Next Top Model” where as the virtual server I installed was Henry Rollins, therefore, he and his weak-ass app. would be pummeled into the ground. *He greets me w/ a scared/goofy grin every morning since then
the emo mandingo likes this
@GeekChicness,
1.Anthropomorphism. I had an argument w/ a systems admin. ’bout 1 month ago: I said the server he setup for a test application was nothing but a “Pro-anna, frail and failed Next Top Model” where as the virtual server I installed was Henry Rollins, therefore, he and his weak-ass app. would be pummeled into the ground. *He greets me w/ a scared/goofy grin every morning since then.
I salute you, madam.
Henry Rollins’ spoken word is ill. So is his talk show on IFC.
@ComicBookGuy,
His music isn’t bad either.
I wouldn’t wanna p*ss him off though…lmao
@miss t-lee,
Hell naw. At 48, dude looks like he does MMA.
@ComicBookGuy,
Right?!
I knew he was getting up there, but I didn’t realize he was knocking on 50…lol
Get outta bed at 11:43 p.m. because you have just been dispatched to a house fire. Radio reports multiple calls so you know it’s burning this time. Arrive on-scene wearing 54 pounds of gear, then advance a hoseline inside. At 12:15 a.m you stand in the middle of some stranger’s living room with a 1-3/4 inch hose line with 125 psi of water pressure waiting for your fellow volunteer firefighter to pull the ceiling sheetrock so you can have direct access to the fire burning in the attic. You hear the fire roaring overhead and it’s orange glow. You see nothing else because the room is filled with smoke. You have a general idea of which way the exit is in case the roof begins to collaspe based on the way the hoseline extends from your hands. You open the nozzle and the room goes pitch black…the power was shut off because water and electricity don’t mix. A hot spot flares up behind you and you continue suppression. Another FF places a ladder on the wall and up into the attic you go, chasing the flames of hell. Suppression accomplished, just as your air pack signals that your air supply is down to 25%. It’s time to get out and let someone else continue.
After drinking both a bottle of gatorade and a bottle of water you go back in on a primary search team. The other search team yells that they found the victim. Damn, first house fire and first fatality of the year on the same night. Discontinue suppression ops in the room of the fatality to allow the sheriff’s department to work. Recouperate. Reload hoses and equipment on to the fire truck. Return to station. Hang out gear to dry. Arrive back home at 3:01 a.m. CST. Log onto VSB to see if today’s topic lends itself towards allowing you to tell of your night’s experience. Bingo! Go sleep on the floor in front of the alarm clock because you are too tired to shower and it would only further wake you up. Take a two hour nap so that you can be at the job that pays you by 7:30 a.m. Feel good because, although what you did – did not help one person in particular, you prevented the situation from becoming the neighbor’s problems, too…and, because you now know you are an emo mandingo. Goodnight (morning).
@Caballeroso,
Wow. You are one s3xy muthafutha. That just did it for me in all kinds of ways that I can’t even explain. But I bet you already know that, right, cuz your a muthafuthin emo MANdingo. Yum.
@INFJgurl,
Good to know!
@Caballeroso,
WHOA….volunteering to put your life on the line! Maybe I should’ve posted this for yesterday’s topic. This makes you quite randy….veeeery randy.
@Ivyette,
Much obliged!
@Caballeroso,
I shouldn’t be surprised by this at all. You’re a son of Callis.
@ComicBookGuy,
@Caballeroso,
I thought you liked that, bruh.
@Caballeroso,
damn. wait to make me feel bad for complaining about my gloves not being warm enough this morning
@The Champ,
Warm gloves are important; cold gloves can ruin a man’s swagga!
@Caballeroso, Bravo! this could be a short story! wow!
@Miss Patterson,
I tried to keep it brief.
@Caballeroso,
You are a volunteer firefighter?
Thanks.
I respect y’all cats, even though some of you can be annoying when I get to the scene of a crime. Anybody regularly risking their life on a per call pay basis is worthy of respect.
@Big Man,
You’re welcome. No per call pay though; 100% volunteer. Just the intrinsic value of assisting someone on what could very well be the worse day of their life, the adrenaline rush, the camaraderie, and a $20 gift card every birthday to Texas Roadhouse.
@Caballeroso,
This chexy post just pissed on everyone’s comments. *swoon*
@Caballeroso, amazing o_O… who are you? and don’t answer with that emo mandingo stuff (I got that)… no, you’re clearly an alien- good for you, just don’t die ok
just say ridiculous sh*t. anything young money.
real convo below:
room temp ninja: hey, what’s your name?
frigid Naomi: Equinox
room temp ninja: for real? Equinox. that’s different
frigid Naomi: Nicki Minaj
room temp ninja: huh?
frigid Naomi: Be on my peddle bike.
room temp ninja: well, my name is Montrevaughn (da eff?)
frigid Naomi: Barbie b*tch
@Naomi,
This was hilarious!
I’m gonna answer someone’s question today with “Barbie B*tch”.
sidenote: I can’t stand Nicki Minaj.
@miss t-lee, hahaha… I kinda like Nicki…
And I’m using that too. Barbie B*tch. Lmao.
@pgh muse,
I do too!! *waves hi to e-twin*
@Sula, E-TWIN!!! *smooches*
@Naomi,
I am laughing like only an emo Muso can… and in case you don’t know? Muso is the female version of Mandingo. You’re welcome.
@Naomi,
lmao!
i can’t wait to say Barbie B*tch today in regular conversation. i feel so enlightened.
When answering questions:
Nod your head (up and down motion) and say “NO”
Shake your head (side to side motion) and say “YES”
without feeling the need to clarify. let them ask what you mean and then switch answers using the above method and with a straight face, walk away.
@Smiley Face,
“Nod your head (up and down motion) and say “NO”
Shake your head (side to side motion) and say “YES””
Ha!
I used to do this as a wee shawty. Hilarious.
@Smiley Face,
Lovin’ this!
G. Gervin…lmao I met him back in my senior year of HS, he was indeed cool as ice.
Champie asks:
what advice would you give people hoping to be as sh*tty as you?
I have no advice for anyone, “I’m miss t-lee and you’re not!”
Can you feel it?
*10 cool points to whoever knows where that quote came from.
@miss t-lee,
I have no advice for anyone, “I’m miss t-lee and you’re not!”
Can you feel it?
*10 cool points to whoever knows where that quote came from.
malia obama?
@The Champ,
Good try, but no.
It’s something I could see her totally getting away with though.
Funny read. i give you cool props just for the Pam Oliver shout out. Wow! I did not now Pam Oliver was holding it down like that!
Keep schooling Emo Mandigo. Keep schooling!
@Dave,
Wow! I did not now Pam Oliver was holding it down like that!
yeah. if she didnt resemble a slightly younger, better looking oprah, she’d be on my celebrity milf list
@The Champ,
It’s the forehead and bad makeup.
If they would ever get that sister some consistent bangs and a real makeup artist, cats would be out of control behind her.
I loved this post. and it made perfect sense to me, cuz I’m cool and s*!t too.
@Reecie,
cuz I’m cool and s*!t too.
according to who?
@The Champ, everyone that matters, duh.
LLS!!!
Rumplestiltskin my orange peels and feel my pulp!
(LOL dayum that sound kinda nasty tho LOL)
just muy mucho Frio!!!
@OrangeStar616,
did you take your vitamins today?
so The Champ is too cool for school, and Panama Jackson is so sexxy that one “x” can’t fully contain it.
we are some otherworldy motherf*ckers around here. no wonder we kicked Jupiter’s ass last Tuesday while sipping Mai Tai’s with TyTy down in Nevada (haha papa).
word.life.
@Panama Jackson,
“so The Champ is too cool for school, and Panama Jackson is so sexxy that one “x” can’t fully contain it.”
What is Liz?
@Cheekie,
horny
@Panama Jackson,
no wonder we kicked Jupiter’s ass last Tuesday while sipping Mai Tai’s with TyTy down in Nevada (haha papa).
you sure that was tuesday? i could have swore last tuesday was tiger day.
Ever get advice from an emo negro past 60?
Sounds like this:
Me: “Dad, I’m looking for a new car and I need…”
Dad: “You know fat meat is greasy, babygirl.”
Me: “haih?!!”
Dad: “That’s right. Bird in the hand. Heheheheh. Run tell your mama now. White folks.”
@RocktheCatbox,
I am dead at the 60+ Emo Mandingo!!!
@RocktheCatbox,
lol, you sure we dont have the same father?
@The Champ,
He wanted me to tell you he’s been meaning to pay that back child support but he left his wallet at a strip club. In space.
@The Champ,
LOL…I think he may be my grandfather!
@RocktheCatbox,
This really kilt me.
@RocktheCatbox,
I too, think we may share a father…
@RocktheCatbox,
bwahaha. just made me laugh aloud in this pin-drop quiet class. thanks.
Something I do becuz I am the Sh*t!
Stare @ a person intently while I am doing something else unrelated to them.
Example:
You will find me writing on a piece of paper while glaring intently at a stranger across from me in the metro..the sheer act of multitasking while boldly grillin you makes me the Sh*T!
@Say-It-An’t-So,
welcome and sh*t (i think)
Champ. This sh*t is hilarious. That is all.
@pgh muse,
Champ. This sh*t is hilarious. That is all
thats exactly what i tell myself whenever someone says they’re cooler than me
As a woman, the fact that I can hold a conversation (argument, opinion with stat knowledge) about most NFL and NBA teams. This seems to make me stand out at the happy hours on top of my genuinely nice smile. There is nothing like arguing with a man about how their favorite team isn’t as good as he thinks.
@Ivy St.,
I love when a woman can argue with me about sports, not using feelings, but information. That does make happy hours enjoyable.
@Ivy St.,
There is nothing like arguing with a man about how their favorite team isn’t as good as he thinks
especially if he realizes that she doesn’t know what she’s talking about
@The Champ,
That hatorade must be tasty.
Champ you’re a riot.. I don’t even know what to say to this post.. I can’t really think of any examples ‘cept for a recent disagreement I had with SO. Basically the premise of the argument was that I’m spoiled and can’t take no for an answer. He said he feels he should be able to say no with no explanation necessary. (Had to set him straight on that though, i don’t roll like that.. who da f*ck he think he is????? N*gga you aint my daddy!! lol)
So the next day which was Friday.. i decided to boycott him and spend an evening alone. He had left a scarf at my house the previous night sends me a text asking if I can bring the scarf to work on Mon (implying we weren’t going to see each other over the weekend – i had the drop on him though because I spontaneously decided to go visit my cousin in MD anyway… hmph that’ll show him!!) Anyways… here was our text conversation:
SO (5:31 pm): I don’t know if you got my last text message but can you bring my scarf on monday?
Me (9:35 pm): No. (note the 4 hr later response hehehe – i play hardball)
SO (9:45 pm): 8.3/10. I figured it out.
Me (9:51 pm): ?
SO (10:03 pm): I’m old
Me (10:07 pm): Don’t know what you’re talking about
SO (10:11 pm): You’re right. But it doesn’t matter cause you’re wrong.
Me (10:15 pm) : You must be drunk.
We ended up making up over the weekend… and so when we finally spoke on the phone, i asked what he meant by “8.3/10″.. he said, “Our argument was about being able to say no with no explanation required. So I asked you to bring my scarf and you responded with “no” with no explanation. Well played. I gave you an 8.3/10″
Sigh… men… just want to kick them in the balls sometimes.. (just kidding… (but not really))
@BKSweetheart, loved this. and I knew exactly what he meant by 8.3/10.
but because I’m the same way, I’d say you get at LEAST a 9. lol
@BKSweetheart,
Sigh… men… just want to kick them in the balls sometimes
spoken like a true yinser
@The Champ, hahahahaha nah not me…. i was one of the “boughie” burgh chicks lol
@The Champ, no hood spots i.e. arts, chaunceys, anywhere in homewood, etc… hell naw! and for god sakes no shadow lounge.. my parents live down the street from there in HP, wouldn’t be caught dead there.. maybe its ok now but it looked like a bunch of losers and weirdos bk in the day
Cool people show up everywhere with their own beverage.
Everywhere.
A. Go to church, sit in the church pew, have somebody turn their head and see you chillin’ with a glass of Ice Tea with a lemon wedge cocked on the side. Pour a lil’ out into the collection plate when it comes by.
B. Show up to work with the ubiquitous red plastic cup filled to the brim with any red beverage of your choosing.
Reference Wu-Tang albums, artists, skits, and quotables randomly.
Ex1.
Co-worker: What are you eating for lunch today?
You: Wu-Tang is for the Children
Ex2.
Boss: Did you finish that report?
You: I’m black and I’m white, ni%%a!
Ex3.
New Employee: How do I do “x,y,z”
You: *muttering* Shahmeik from 212 just got shot up……
@legitimate_soul,
Or my personal favorite skit from Meth
“I’ma sew your arsehole shut and just keep feeding you, and feeding you…”
*snicker*
@miss t-lee,
^Exactly! LOL! In college, my boys and I used to claim we saw Shahmeik everywhere. In regular conversation someone would interject “I saw dat, ninja Shahmeik. He was in the dining commons serving the meatloaf surprise”. Or we’d get pumped and be like “Whew! Ima’ rock kids this summer! Drippin’ like it’s marble cake!” Random Wu-Tang quotes is te way to go…even if it’s from the kung-fu flicks they sampled.
@legitimate_soul,
“Blue and cream like that n*gga!”
Yeah that marble cake ish used to kill me.
“hey hey, who the f*ck you think you talking to huh? the f*ckin’ bellboy? You wanna go to war?
okay…seriously this could go on all day…lol
@miss t-lee,
“okay…seriously this could go on all day…lol”
^and it would, LOL!
@legitimate_soul,
“A. Go to church, sit in the church pew, have somebody turn their head and see you chillin’ with a glass of Ice Tea with a lemon wedge cocked on the side. Pour a lil’ out into the collection plate when it comes by.”
I totally gasped.
LOL
@legitimate_soul,
Lukewarm ninja: Windy out here, huh?
Me: Blowin’ like Shalamar in ’81
@VeronicaCorningstoneD,
Your Shalamar/Wu-Tang reference is perfection! “I seen it like a 27-inch zenith. Believe it.”
Motha Fuhckin Cool!!!
@WuDaMan,
right.
Why am I the sh*t? Well….
I don’t just wrestle alligators, I turn them into vegetarians.
I undress women just by quoting Peter Griffin. “That’s a nice sideboob.”
When I am asked a stupid question, I answer it with “Razzle Dazzle”, and the person that asked the question suddenly realizes they asked a stupid question.
I train squirrels in self-defense to fend of red tailed hawks.
I built a time machine to go back in time to beat Mao Zedong in Chinese checkers to get him prepared for America kicking Chinese @$$.
Even though I am an American citizen, I am not allowed to go to Hawaii because last time I was there, I accidentally fell in a volcano and froze the muthafu**a.
I play drinking games with the Russian mob in Moscow, just to pass the time.
If you hear about an explosion in Poughkeepsie, NY that created a shower of Tootsie Rolls, I don’t know anything it.
@ComicBookGuy
hahaha. Drinking games with the Russian mob in Moscow?Nah, playa, I’d have to sit that one out. You are indeed one back motha…shut yo’ mouth…
@ComicBookGuy,
I think you should go against Chuck Norris!!! You might win!!!
@Sula,
Sorry, my dear. I have trained at the feet of Master Norris. I will not challenge him in fisticuffs, but I carry own his legacy of awesomeness.
All kidding aside, have you read his book where he explains the funny quotes that people have about him on the internet? It is really good.
@ComicBookGuy,
I haven’t read the book, but I used to get updates when people will add the new quotes. It was hilarious!
Glad you trained with Master Norris. But as every good student knows (especially emo Mandingo ones), the last step of learning is challenging your master (see Kill Bill Vol 2)… until you get to that step, the emo- level of your Mandingo-ness will remain in question. It was written.
@Sula,
Ok, since you are in the H, I guess I admit it to you.
(No one was supposed to find out about this but oh, well)
On St. Helena Island, the island that is in the middle of the Atlantic, Master Norris and had a fight as part of my final training. I kinda, sorta used the twisted punch of infinity and may have opened a hole in the time-space continuum. Master Norris pushed me aside and was sucked in. I got back to the plane we flew to the island and there was a note that he wrote just in case he didn’t make it back. Turns out, he was far ahead in human intelligence that he cloned himself, you know, in case sh*t. The note told me to release the clone so the world would still be guided by his knowledge. I carry his touch of awesomeness as an emo mandingo.
Now, please keep that under your hat. His wife hasn’t complained at bit.
@ComicBookGuy,
Your secret is safe with me. Good job, grasshopper.
No wonder I felt weird about the person I saw in the new Total Gym informercial… It all makes sense now.
p.s: his wife has been a clone for the past 2 decades. But you didn’t hear it from me.
@ComicBookGuy, “That’s a nice sideboob.” and “I accidentally fell in a volcano and froze the muthafu**a.” and “I answer it with “Razzle Dazzle”, and the person that asked the question suddenly realizes they asked a stupid question.”
I hate you a lil and by hate I mean hate- lol
@Yeah…SO?!,
Hey, darlin’. It’s been a minute. How are ya?
@ComicBookGuy, I’m good babe… how are you?- your side boob is looking extra lovely today.
@ComicBookGuy,
Lemme find out you a descendant of Stagga Lee (Stagger Lee) and the man next to the man, next to the GOTd**n man, LOL!
Ah! Spelling error:
*pour, not poor. Sorry.
@KayBeezy,
The emo mandingo does nit acknowledge erors! We only make perfect inparfections!
“my name is the champ, and i’m the coolest muthaf*cker any of you will ever meet.”
Negative. Because if you were, someone would’ve wrote this post for you and said you’re cool. Cool folks don’t say they’re cool, other people do it for them. Cool deez.
Also, that’s you in today’s pic, right? Nice Thursday suit you rockin’, there!
“cumulonimbus deez, bitch”
LOL, no you didn’t. lmfao
But on the real, though. All joking/ribbing aside. On to the question:
“how exactly are you the sh*t, and what advice would you give people hoping to be as sh*tty as you?”
I’m the sh*t because:
1. Unlike Lil’ Wayne, I’m the sh*t (you just poop stains) without looking like a short, skinny-jean-sagging roach. Because anything associated with roaches deducts 40 cool points. That’s the one and only reason that matters.
Advice for those that would like to be sh*tty:
1. Gender Neutral: Respond to ANYTHING with a Color Purple quote…at least as much as possible. Such as:
(Job Interview)
Possible Employer: I see you’ve majored quantum physics over at Rutgers.
Possible Employee: Yes, and I hear she’s got that nasty women’s disease.
or
Sweet Church Lady: Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior?
Cool Cat: Could be, could be not.
2. For the men: Commit some crime. Then go to jail. When time comes for you and your group of inmates to go out into the yard for weightlifting, playtime, book-reading-under-the tree cliche stuff, peruse the young
availablemen with sagging pants. Burst out into the classic melody, “Pants on the ground”. In baritone.3. For the ladies: Whenever your date decides to do that “lean back” move whenever the bill comes (meaning, he tryin’ to get out of paying it), just scream at him, “I HATECHU JODY!” and proceed to pour wine/Barcardi/sparkling water/Ciroq/whateverthehellyoudrinking on his lap. And leave. And yes, call him ‘Jody’. Even if his name is ‘Sheldon’ or some sh*t.
@Cheekie,
2. For the men: Commit some crime. Then go to jail. When time comes for you and your group of inmates to go out into the yard for weightlifting, playtime, book-reading-under-the tree cliche stuff, peruse the young available men with sagging pants. Burst out into the classic melody, “Pants on the ground”. In baritone.
ummmm, no.
@The Champ,
Not cool enough, huh?
@Cheekie,
“Commit some crime. Then go to jail. When time comes for you and your group of inmates to go out into the yard for weightlifting, playtime, book-reading-under-the tree cliche stuff, peruse the young available men with sagging pants. Burst out into the classic melody, “Pants on the ground”. In baritone.”
Seems like you are trying to get someone’s ass kicked or perforated.
@Cheekie,
” just scream at him, “I HATECHU JODY!” and proceed to pour wine/Barcardi/sparkling water/Ciroq/whateverthehellyoudrinking on his lap. And leave. And yes, call him ‘Jody’…”
In response, in my best loc’d out, G-voice, I quote…”females….they some (emo)tional…creatures…I ain’t gon’ call em b#tches…I’m just gon’ say emotional creatures…yeah that’s it…”
That is all…
It’s not cool to put Cheekie in moderation. *pout*
@Cheekie, lol
@Yeah…SO?!,
I bet it’s because I made a comment on Champ’s Thursday suit up there.
@Cheekie, girl you dey be hatin- ol’ cold bathwater a**es- lol
This was hilarity at its finest. I am so guilty of the gestures and making faces joint.
Yea, thats another thing I do thats cool. I say joint when I forget what words describe what I’m trying to say…
For instance:
*While shopping for a new car stereo*
Me: “Hey man, show me that joint from last time, you know…the one you got in the back”
Store Clerk: “excuse me…?”
“Aint no excuse for ya” (insert cool expression here)
@iKeish,
welcome and sh*t
I would buy a t-shirt with this photo and the words “emo mandingo” from vsb for $20. Please make it happen.
@Miss Patterson,
I second that e(mo) motion. And yes, I am so cool I can make mistakes purposefully. Get with it.
@Sula, hahahaha. girl, you crack me up.
@Miss Patterson,
Should your shirt say emo mandiga?
I love your pic by the way. Is this after a wash and before the set?
@Ivy St., well, i guess the shirt *could* read that. but i wanted to honor my mandingos and sh*t. oh, and yes, girl BEFORE the set. lol. i think i’m gonna to rock it for real.
Why am I cool?
“I live vicariously…through myself”
“I can speak Hindi… in Mandarin”
“I won’t have a conversation about the weather even in the middle of a hurricane”…
I am the most interesting woman in the world. I am an emo Muso (get with it!).
@Sula,
LMAO!!!
The most intersting woman in the world on tight pants
“If I can count the change in your pockets, maybe you should use it to find a better tailor.”
Love it mayne!
@Sula, I live vicariously through myself
Love this…. would definitely wear the T-shirt
Now, even you can be the sh*t like MeteorMan:
* Know how and when to refer to yourself in the 3rd person. Mostly to intensify a command without yelling or cursing.
* Tear apart people’s arguments with such logical precision that it becomes a verbal game of chess. Check mate h*e!
* Ask random people you come across a random question about life that requires deep meditation.
* Use other people’s stray comments/sounds for segways to music and movie quotes.
Temperate zone ass n*gga: “Yo homie. I was telling dude: ‘You have to just live your life!’”
Me: “Oh! AAAAAaaaaaye AAAAAAaaaaye AAAAAaaaaye”
* During conversation, randomly start doing spoken word/prose and come up with some life lesson from it all.
* Be honest. Brutality is a tool.
* Simplify situations that people have been wrestling with for generations.
group of lukewarm suckas: “Racism is still around… People of different color don’t like us… [blah] [blah] [blah].”
Me: “Man, they’re just some haters. Why glorify some haters? Forget a hater and keep it moving.”
* Make half-serious half-joking comments. The joke is not what you said, it’s the other person’s confusion on which part of your comment was the joke.
* Tell people straight up when you don’t care.
* Dress up for no reason at all.
@MeteorMan,
* Dress up for no reason at all.
this is why i play ball in a blazer at least one a month
@The Champ, I hate u
@MeteorMan,
* Use other people’s stray comments/sounds for segways to music and movie quotes.
i do that all the time! lmao. rarely do people get them though. guess i’m too cool for them and ish. lol
Awwww, Champ, I’m sorry to hear you have that Kanye illness. Get well soon!
@Darth Paul,
get deez
In my day, we called Emo Mandingos. “Visionaries”. These were the dudes that didn’t smoke weed, but hung with all the stoners, wore their locks in their eyes at all times, and only listened to ubiquitous and obscure dancehall, Miles Davis and Das EFX.
@Neighborhood Hussy,
Sounds like me in college, except I was stayed wavy instead of rocking locks.
Why am I the ish?
*I insert random rap, movie lines, and quotes in my convos…and somehow it all makes sense
Friend: I’m not sure if I want to go out on Saturday.
Me: I see I said. Jealousy I said. Got the whole industry mad at me I said.
Friend: I found a $100 today and smashed out Reggie Bush.
Me: We don’t believe you, you need more people.
Person A: *rolling up* You wanna hit?
Me: You know I don’t do that narcotic no mo.
Friend: You see that dude over there?
Me: I’ll look to like if looking liking move.
*I always do me. Even if it doesn’t make sense to others.
In Egypt last year riding a camel across the desert:
Me: Yo, Muham…get me down.
Muhammad: Faster?
Me: *points at sand* Nah son, DOWN!
Begins walking the rest of the way across the desert sand.
Friend: You okay down there? You sure you don’t want to ride your camel…everyone else is?
Me: I said I’m cool! Damn! That ish is whack…don’t watch me…watch TV.
*I wear headphones on the train just so I don’t have to engage in meaningless conversations with strangers.
*I know how to shut people the hell up
Friend: What did you do to your hair?!!!
Me: I got a relaxer and cut it.
Friend: OMG…why did you do that? I thought you were gonna stay natural longer.
Me: Are you willing to pay $100 at least once a month to get my hair done? If so then I’ll glady go natural again. Preferred method of payment is cash, but I also accept checks and money orders.
Friend: *crickets*
*I play volleyball in one soccer sock and one ankle sock
@La Bakir,
Let em know.
@ComicBookGuy, I’m not nearly as cool as you.
I’m not worthy..a la Wayne and Garth
@La Bakir,
No, no, no, my dear. You are definitely cool. You know how to used the quote “don’t watch me…watch TV” at opportune times.
I will say this, though. When humbled, Chairman Mao was actually a cool dude, even if you aren’t into the whole communism thing.
@ComicBookGuy, Why thank you.
LOL @ Mao. I heard Bull Connor was pretty awesome himself…as long as there weren’t any dogs, fire hydrants, and ninjas in the perimeters.
@La Bakir,
On my way back through the timestream, I was going to stop through and rough Bull Connor up but something on the time machine messed up and I ended up kicking with Escobar. He was cool, but hanging out with him was like walking around knowing that there is a sniper scope on you at all times.
@ComicBookGuy, *muffles laughter, regains straight face*
I see I said. You must be careful. There’s been a recall on certain machines. Let me know which model you have as I too have experienced a similar glitch of sorts.
I wanted to get revenge on the fools who assasinated Brother Malcolm X because that was completely foul what they did. And I wanted to warn everyone that this fool didn’t even have a wallet, you know?
To my surprise…I end up in W. D. Fard’s crib as he’s constructing the foundation of that Nation of Islam. It was a bit too much really. The theory of a mad scientist named Yakub creating 2520′s was all a bit much and I had to get up out of there ASAP. The bean pies were the truth though.
@La Bakir,
I had to bust the time machine up. I’ve read too many comic books that show that time travel is a very bad thing.
Glad you came back when you did. That whole founding of the NOI theory is kinda creepy. I mean, how does a guy disappear without a trace?
I love this site. Only here can I talk like I am off my rocker and it can be topped by someone else.
@ComicBookGuy,
Smart moving. Time traveling can get tricky…you know…with possibly altering the future and all just by picking a wedgie.
Yeah man, Fard was a very…let’s see “different” dude. I’m sure he’s lamping it up with Tupac and Elvis somewhere.
LOL @ your last comment. Yes, only here can I talk in such a manner and it be acceptable.
@La Bakir,
“I wear headphones on the train just so I don’t have to engage in meaningless conversations with strangers.”
This does not work in Pittsburgh or DC.
@Ivy St., Really? What a pity. It absolutely does the trick in NY/NJ.
@Ivy St.,
Pretend to know sign language and start signing to them with your headphones on.
@RocktheCatbox, I caaan’t! LOL!
@RocktheCatbox,
Bwahahahahaha!
@RocktheCatbox,
rotfl
@Ivy St.,
@La Bakir,
“I wear headphones on the train just so I don’t have to engage in meaningless conversations with strangers.”
This does not work in Pittsburgh or DC.
Definitely doesn’t work in DC…DC strangers are hell bent on having their meaningless conversations
@La Bakir,
i’m really completely dying at the exchange betwixt you and ComicBookGuy.
i’m slightly disturbed that it makes sense to me too. lol
@Muze, LMAO!!!! He has no idea how much I find this entertaining. Shame on my sense of humor.
@La Bakir,
Believe me, my dear, I do. It is the entertainment I need before I go get a crown put on my tooth. God, I hate going to the dentist.
@ComicBookGuy, Awwww shucks! I hope it’s not too bad buddy. Dentist visits=no bueno.
this has nothing to do with anything, but VSB is the only place where i’ve seen the term “cat fart” used on a regular basis… and usually in relative context.
i think that alone makes this the home of the emo mandingo. lol
how exactly are you the sh*t, and what advice would you give people hoping to be as sh*tty as you?
How I’m the ish
I dance under water and don’t get wet.
I make medicine sick.
I moonwalk….. literally.
When gas was at $4.00/gal I was pouring it on the ground like Puff was pouring Cristal.
Advice to get like me
Let out the worse fart possible leave the scene and come back like you are repulsed and blame it on the other person there.
Talk to chics like a liberal guest on a fox news program.
Drink Old E like it’s cristal.
@Humble_One aka The Market,
Ooooooooooohhhh WEEEE!
You are the sh*t²!
@Humble_One aka The Market,
It was very clearly written: You, sir, are an emo mandigo.
Exclaim “That’s the game.” matter-of-factly when someone has a small bit of misfortune or disappointment.
Ex1. Person A : Dang, they ran out of Cheetos!
You: That’s the game.
Also perfect for watching reality TV, talk shows and court shows.
Ex2. “When it comes to 15 month old Shontae-iesha, Lenny, you are NOT the father!” *Accusing mother cries and runs off stage*
You exclaim, “That’s the game.” in deadpan fashion as you watch her flee.
Variations include: “Well, That’s the game.”
Sidebar: LOL at all of us validating a**hole behavior
@legitimate_soul, Ha, I am so using that!
“I stumped my toe”
Thats the game…
@iKeish,
Exactly! Adversely, you can say wack stuff is “hurtin’ in the game”.
Ex. “Some people’s potato salad be hurtin’ in the game.” You know you can’t eat everybody’s potato salad.
^I didn’t make it up, but hey, that’s the game. Use it. I’m too cool to trip off ownership, lol!
@legitimate_soul,
“Sidebar: LOL at all of us validating a**hole behavior ”
I tell people all the time that I’m an a**hole, so it’s all good.
@miss t-lee, A lil off topic… one day I was talkin sh*t to my homeboy and he was like “if I wanted to talk to an @sshole I’d fart”- bwahahaha- luv dat isht ninja
@miss t-lee, meant luv dat ninja (and he’s white)
emo mandingas call 2520s ninjas… to they faces- it’s only right.
@Yeah…SO?!,
Yup! I never limited my ‘n’ word usage to black people only. Told a 2520 “Ninja, What?!!!” *said just like Ms. Roq in “Let’s Get High” on Dre’s Chronic 2001 album* Hey, sometimes my self-censor is off and it comes out just how I thought it. That’s the game.
@Yeah…SO?!,
LMAO!!!!!
Love it mayne!
Cool is never letting slang go out of style…regardless of the decade.
Random cat: You see them new Mercedes/Land Rover/Mitsubishi/Kia?
Me: Yeah, that ride is FRESH!!! (other appropriate words in this situation include dope, bad, ill, proper, dynamite, etc.)
Cooler still is making up your own slang, a la’ the one and only…Pootie Tang!!
Random cat: Yo, you see the a$$ on shawty over there?
Me: Yessir…she is photosynthetic with it!!
It ain’t always gotta make sense if it sounds cool…SA-DA-TAY’
@DG,
Me: Yessir…she is photosynthetic with it!!
I have to use “photosynthetic ass” in the near future!!
@DG,
“Cool is never letting slang go out of style…regardless of the decade.”
No bull, I still say “funky fresh” regularly. The irony is astounding considering how much I’ve clowned my sister for her eloquent descriptions of everything as “fly” in the past 21 years.
@DG, Sippy tow on a Kippitang my main dilly
Another:
* Add “In bed” at the end of other people’s phrases and grand self-reflective statements like it’s from a fortune cookie.
Friend: “I can’t believe I just did that. I feel like I’m the worse person…”
Me: “in bed”
* When people dictate their rejection or disappointment to you, end their monologue by saying: “Sincerely, The Establishment”
@MeteorMan,
* When people dictate their rejection or disappointment to you, end their monologue by saying: “Sincerely, The Establishment”
Yeah, I’m bout to use this ish. I usually just give it a few seconds and go “This is a Black thing, isn’t it?” This works especially well against other Black people.
Both of you alls references to Shaq has got me laughing w/ tears streaming down my face…
^^^ @Tunde & @ The Champ
“I use tabasco sauce instead of visine.”
“when I was a kid, I didn’t wet the bed. The bed wet itself.”
“google won’t search for me because google knows you don’t find me. I find you.”
“I don’t sleep, I wait.”
“I can divide by zero.”
Stolen Chuck Norris facts that also happen to demonstrate, perfectly, how much I am the shit.
me: What’s goin on now?
cuz: Shiiid…I can’t call it.
cuz: You got that ol fode (ford) lookin tight….I’m talking bout tighter than nat puzzy.
cuz: That sumbitch sound like it’ll run…let’s see what you can make it do.
me: You ain’t said nothing slick to a can of oil…let’s put em out there.
cuz: Geoot Damn boe…can you burn tires off this muffukka?
me: Shiiid…is pig puzzy pork…does shit stank.
*After 165 mph on heated coil springs in a 68 ford truck…*
cuz: Wheeeew shit…that mutherfucka will will run a hole in the wind…i gotta go feed up my dogs and goats.
me: aight then cuz…take it easy
cuz: We’ll holla at ya later.
……..
Straight from the 60+ country azz emo mandingo handbook…glad to be able to carry on the fuckery
@atltx, “run a hole in the wind” bwahahaha
My cousin likes to say “Ay beesh(for affect), is you gon barbeque or mildew?”… that isht kills me.
@Yeah…SO?!,
geot dam right…shit or get off the pot
I’m late but isht…
-When asked a question respond in onomatopoeias
They a**- “So what happen last night?”
I- “Whoosh”
-When giving advice never complete the most important thought
-When someone is telling you something really important stop them right before they’re finished and say “Were you saying something” all while maintaining eye contact
-A favorite of mine is to sing responses to anything… not actual songs- no, these are real answers just melodically delivered… feel free to come up with a tune of your own or borrow someone else’s- who gives a isht- do you you emo madingo
-Randomly break out in dance in crowded places- preferrably something Jerome-isk
- When two people are having a conversation just walk up and start talking over whomever is currently speaking without prior notice… then walk off
-Lastly… but not definitely not least
@Yeah…SO?!, Also- get mad at other people when you make a mistake…
Them: I don’t get that last part
I- Aw…dang I meant “Lastly…but definitely not least”… You know wut- Fuk ya’ll mutha fukkas *pointing intently*… Try to help yo’ @ss out! F*k YOU!
e-mandinga
@Yeah…SO?!, Lastly but not least what??? Just kidding I get it, you cool ass mofo!
So I am not too much of the ish that I can not pass on some coolness to the lukewarm ninja…
1. I frequently tell ppl what the wave of the future will be normally things that ppl abhor such as fruitcake, pickloaf, blind-seeing-eye dogs for ppl who can really see, etc.
2. I call off from work on random world holidays or take breaks while at work to celebrate them. Then make ppl feel bad because they dont know about them and call them close minded.
3. Use language barriers to blame other people when I am wrong. For example:
Mildly chilled ninja: I don’t get that last part
Antarctic Me- What? what you cant comprehend? Your fucking (Sanskrit, Greenlandic Nors, Iberian or some other obscure extinct language) skills is are sub-par! I thought you would be more useful than that. I see [Insert obscure language here] is not your native language. Get with the wave of the future
4. I somtimes end an argument with a derogatory or racist term that isn’t applicable for my opponent’s race/ethnicity. Example:
I ended an argument with a Chinese woman with a simple, “You’re an idiot, Cracker/Wetback! “
Addendum:
*Use the phrase “with all due deference” before telling someone about themselves. Let your imagination run wild as they attempt to decipher the compliment?
*Also, for men, carry and smoke a pipe. Self-explanatory
* Lastly, if someone who is lukewarm ask you what you’re doing, the reply “Living notoriously well” usually shames them into silence and self-contemplation
Yea that use of analogies to describe things makes you cool as shit…
One of my favorites that tends to amuse/confuse random women on the street is: Damn you look better than breakfast!
@Brklyn2Chi, as someone that has food on the mind tweny fo seven- that makes perfect sense
My name is VeronicaCorningstoneD and I approve of this message.
how to get like me:
-give lukewarm a*s ninjas nonsensical comfort when going thru tough times:
Tepid Muhfcuka: Looks like I can’t go to Cancun for vacation, had to get the car fixed.
Me: Looks like you zigged when you should have zagged.
-use old slang on the reg, to the point where other ninjas start picking it up: I’ve done this with jiggy and boss
-get fcuked up while watching intervention
Have at least three identities and switch between them at any given moment usually mid sentence
@klysha,
that’s called crazy…and it’s kinda hot…do it again
LOL @ cool ass hell, not cool as hell. Spell check can only do so much.
‘he’ is not a he..
nothing personal..
my jury is still out as to if ‘personal’ is possible in cyberspace… but that’s another discussion eh..
RE: #4
Convo with a male friend at a meeting –
Me: Why are you late?
Him: My bus was late
Me: What happened to your car?
Him: It’s in the shop
Me: Your girl couldn’t give you a ride?
Him: She’s out of town
Me: And she wouldn’t let you drive her car?
Him: It’s a Jetta
Me: Oh.