much of the acrimony between the sexes is born from and cultivated by a latent communication breakdown. generally speaking, we have much different ways of expressing ourselves, and it can be extremely difficult to navigate the murky relationship morass without a working compass
ladies, in furthering our committment to crime fighting, the champ will be your compass and, if you’re hot, willing concubine. without further ado, here’s a portion of the vsb guide to what men really mean when they’re talking to you.
“hey, i just wanted to tell you that i care about you, and i think about you all the time.” = “i know that i’m a half-thread of toilet paper on the anal fissure of bad boyfriends, but i’m hoping this’ll make you verklempt enough to forget that and continue the post-dawn daily bj’s”
“thats not what i meant” = “actually, i did mean exactly that, but since this unexpectedly upset you, i’m gonna to continue to rephrase it until i find something that works. take a seat. this might take a while”
“huh? excuse me? can you repeat that?” = “i heard you, but i just need a bit more time to patch up this tattered story”
“whats your name?” = “not you, dummy. i’m talking to your boobs. are they fraternal or identical twins?”
“i really dont understand women” = “i really dont understand why women generally think i’m lame”
“where did you learn how to do that?” = “seriously, where did you learn how to do that, and how crazy must you be to have that skill-set and still be single???”
“whats your friend’s name?” = “is there a clause for buyer’s remorse in our relationship contract?”
“am i getting fat?” = “i’m gay.”
“we should work out together” = “i like you. i really do. but, i’m going to make your life a passive-aggressive living hell until you lose some weight”
“i’m not looking for a relationship right now” = “i’m not looking for a relationship with you right now…just your vagina”
“when was the last time you had sex?” = “if we do the do and i decide to go down on you, i won’t be tasting geralds nuts, will i?”
“my day was good, and yours?” = “even though this never works, i’m begging you to allow my blatantly succinct answers to rub off on you”
“where do you see us in five years?” = “please break up with me now so i dont have to feel guilty about the inevitable sneak attack break-up three weeks from now”
‘hi” (to a girlfriend) = “whats wrong???”
“whats wrong?“ = “what did i do???”
“what did i do???” = “i know what i did, i just wanna see how much mileage i still have on this ignorance card”
i’m sure i’m missing a few. fellas, feel free to chime in.
oh, and ladies, i aint forget about ya’ll, lol. you’re not gonna get off the hook that easily. share your compasses too.
–the champ
Related posts:
- lost in translation: what men usually hear when women are talking to us
- VSB’s Guide To A Successful Break-Up
- Until You Do Right By Me: 5 Ways That Women Go Wrong When It Comes To Dating Men.
- chasing windmills: the six part vsb guide to keeping a woman happy
- Black Heat: VSB Guide To the Dos and Don'ts of Summer Madness
{ 298 comments… read them below or add one }
lmao….all of them are so true!!! Champ ur the best…on a daily basis you crack me up
@Maria, I was cracking up too. Funny stuff…
@Maria,
thanks and sh*t. i try
Our REAL thoughts. I hope the ladies don’t kick me out the Ya-Ya Sisterhood
“Nothing’s wrong” – You pissed me off and I don’t feel like talking about it but if you ask me again with more concern, I’ll tell you. But you’ll probably think I’m coming from left field.
“I had a bad day” – Just give me a hug and I’ll feel slightly better
“No” – You may be able to convince me otherwise if you do that thang I love so much. You know…
“I don’t really celebrate Valentine’s” – If you don’t at least acknowledge it, you will get ice-grilled.
“I LOVE football” – I know the rules and ish and will watch it if there’s NOTHING else on! Besides, I just like that jersey of yours. Can I wear it on Sunday?
There are just a few.
@Luvvie,
I gotta agree with the Luv Bug, cause she’s on point, but Champ, you’re making me retract my e-crush on you with the past 2 posts.
Especially this one and the part about …
“whats your friend’s name?” = “is there a clause for buyer’s remorse in our relationship contract?”
You know durn well you don’t think like that, and if you do, I’m even more mad at you, Humpty.
No thanks, Sula.
@RedBeanzNRice,
I gotta agree with the Luv Bug, cause she’s on point, but Champ, you’re making me retract my e-crush on you with the past 2 posts.
this ruined my morning. btw, by “ruined my morning” i meant “quote had 15 words. interesting”
@luvvie,
“I LOVE FOOTBALL” = I love football players.
@Luvvie, These are good!
@Luvvie,
I agree with all but the “No”. When I say it, “no” means “no”, not “let’s start the bidding at an eaten box and a bacon sandwich!”
OMG MEDIC!!!
@Me fail english?,
“let’s start the bidding at an eaten box and a bacon sandwich!”
sounds like my type of auction
@The Champ,
Mine too.
@Luvvie,
Great points Luvvie! I agree with all of them except, I LIKE football.
If I say I like it then, I genuinely do. It would suck to be forced to do something with a male counterpart that I really had no real interest in doing just because I said I liked it.
@Ivy St.,
It would suck to be forced to do something with a male counterpart that I really had no real interest in doing just because I said I liked it.
***handing ivy st. daily vsb.com unintentional double entendre award***
@The Champ,
LOL! How do u know it was unintentional?!?!
@Ivy St.,
AHahahahahah!!
@Luvvie,
You swung the hell outta that hammer cuz you hit the nail on the head girl. Bullseye with all of those.
much of the acrimony between the sexes is born from and cultivated by a latent communication breakdown. generally speaking, we have much different ways of expressing ourselves, and it can be extremely difficult to navigate the murky relationship morass without a working compass
ladies, in furthering our committment to crime fighting, the champ will be your compass and, if you’re hot, willing concubine. without further ado, here’s a portion of the vsb guide to what men really mean when they’re talking to you.
“hey, i just wanted to tell you that i care about you, and i think about you all the time.” = “i know that i’m a half-thread of toilet paper on the anal fissure of bad boyfriends, but i’m hoping this’ll make you verklempt enough to forget that and continue the post-dawn daily bj’s”.
OK, this is a seriously delayed comment but remember that post about nicknames your friends came up with for the opposite chex? Well, we had a “TOTUL” category=track marks on the underwear of life”. It doesn’t even really make sense but it worked in our circle, and that comment reminded me of it…lol.
@overit, much of the acrimony between the sexes is born from and cultivated by a latent communication breakdown. generally speaking, we have much different ways of expressing ourselves, and it can be extremely difficult to navigate the murky relationship morass without a working compass
lol, i was clearly 1/2 sleep when i posted, i pasted that part cause i was going to make some remark about dictionary.com lol…yeah.
I have no idea what you’re talking about right now.
@8th Wonder,
me neither. is overitey on that sh*t again?
I didn’t know she’d ever been OFF that sh*t.
@overit,
Methinks Overit has taken a gulp from WudaMan’s Kool-Aid. LOVE U BOO!!
@Luvvie,
LOL!! Or maybe Wu posted this under her name…Say, has anybody seen Wu lately?
*snatches off Overit mask, Scooby Doo style*
Egads, Daphne! It was old man Wu all along! And he would’ve gotten away with it…if not for us meddling kids!
Yep, that’s my theory.
@Me fail english?,
I would have quit you if you weren’t so fabulous.
Bwahahaha!
@overit,
Somebody give me a map, I’m lost.
what ya doin…..whatever it is stop right now cause I need you to do something fpr me…that i could really do for myself but for whatever reason I want you to do it
Can you scratch, rub,my back or unhook. zip. my bra, dress, etc…yeah Lets get it on…
Im tired..no nookie for you!
never mind, I will do it….you triflin a$$ cant do shyt right.if I want something done the right way I have to do it myself….i might as well kick yo a$$ to the curb and get a dog and a bullet…
man I sure could go for or have a taste for xxx… I want you to go and get XXX
@shay_d_lady, never mind, I will do it….you triflin a$$ cant do shyt right.if I want something done the right way I have to do it myself….i might as well kick yo a$$ to the curb and get a dog and a bullet…
This is my favorite!
@pgh muse, co-sign!!!
@blackberry molasses,
Shiddd…see how happy that leaves you.
@Monk,
ain’t no body ask you….
@shay_d_lady,
“what ya doin…..whatever it is stop right now cause I need you to do something fpr me…that i could really do for myself but for whatever reason I want you to do it”
And that is the main reason that I hate people asking me what I am doing. If you need a favor ask for it, don’t try to trap me into doing something for you because I’m not busy…. but that is just my thoughts.
@Ms. T,
Yeah I have a co-worker who always asks “Are you busy?” I used to say “why?” now I just say “yes”
@Me fail english?,
i have a co-worker that used to trap me with that too, but he’d do it by asking me questions he knows i had no answer for, then attacking
“hey champ, what are you gonna be doing at 2:45 three tuesdays from now?”
champ: “i have no idea”
“great. then you can come with me to this knitting convention i’m giving a seminar at”
@The Champ,
This is funny as hell. And I’m not quick enough on my feet to get out of this either. I’d have to remember to fake an illness later
And isn’t “knitters” such a dirty word? I’m blushing just typing it…”knitters”…
i am sick and tired of being moderated.
@overit lou hammer,
lol, then stop changing your name five times a day
I know that I am a rarity. I usually say what I mean. If I say nothing’s wrong, nothing’s wrong (or it’s so small that if you let it go, it’ll be nothing soon).
I may not say what I mean all the time (I may not tell you I hate your mother for birthing you), but when I say something I mean it
@Imperfect,
I may not tell you I hate your mother for birthing you
ice cold!
My Thoughts:
“What would you like for dinner”- not that i give a dang because im making Chicken regardless.
“Where did you sleep night last night”- I really don’t care because i didn’t sleep here either, but if i don’t ask then you may get suspicious.
“Thanks for the flowers, their beautiful”- I know you did something wrong so hurry up and tell me, before i get mad.
@JamaicanGirl, “Thanks for the flowers, their beautiful”- I know you did something wrong so hurry up and tell me, before i get mad.”
lol! Unless it’s a special occasion, I get suspicious too.
@Leila,
this contradicts the cliche complaint, “you never buy me flowers”
we can’t win for losing…women
@Carver The Great!,
Exactly, it’s like they want a n*igga to f*ck up or they don’t appreciate genuine surprises.
@JamaicanGirl,
“Where did you sleep night last night”- I really don’t care because i didn’t sleep here either, but if i don’t ask then you may get suspicious.
LMAO! This sounds like classic end of relationship antics. Feigning anger in the hopes of starting a fight that leads to splitsville….
@JamaicanGirl,
“What would you like for dinner”- not that i give a dang because im making Chicken regardless.
I love this one!
“No, you don’t have to pick me up. I’ll meet you there”—-I’m not sure I want to ride in a car with you. And I don’t want to have to deal with having you drop me off at my house afterwards, with your awkward a*s.
“Yeah, I miss you too.”—I love the attention you show me, but I’m still on the fence regarding my feelings for you. But, hey, a girl’s gotta eat.
“I don’t really celebrate Valentine’s day”–see Luvvie’s post, above.
“You don’t have to get me anything for my birthday/Christmas. Once you pass a certain age, that stuff doesn’t matter”–I suggest, that if you wish to continue thinking of yourself as my “man,” that you don’t be no damn fool. When the other women start discussing the gifts they got, it really ain’t no thing for me to start talking about how i cussed you out and broke up with you.
“I’m sorry. *giggle* I always get giggly when someone tries to kiss me.”———Don’t touch me.
“No, it’s fine.”—-Note to self: strike one.
@charli skipper,
ooh, another!
“what does that mean? so you think i’m getting fat?”—-like i give a da*m. ummm….look at yo a*s. Negro, please.
@charli skipper,
“I’m sorry. *giggle* I always get giggly when someone tries to kiss me.”———Don’t touch me.
“No, it’s fine.”—-Note to self: strike one.
SO SO TRUE!!!
@Leyla,
Yeah these two are particularly on point.
No, I’m fine= Yep, you’ll pay!
@charli skipper,
“No, it’s fine.”—-Note to self: strike one.”
YUP!!! lol
@Dope Fiend,
I’m guilty of doing this I must say.
@charli skipper,
“Yeah, I miss you too.”—I love the attention you show me, but I’m still on the fence regarding my feelings for you. But, hey, a girl’s gotta eat.
And the church said, “AMEN”.
I miss you= I don’t love you/I’m filling space cause I wanna get off the phone but you won’t let me/I’m not that into you but I’d be bored if you weren’t around so here’s a bit of encouragement
@Charli skipper & Me fail english?,
“Yeah, I miss you too.”—I love the attention you show me, but I’m still on the fence regarding my feelings for you. But, hey, a girl’s gotta eat.”
This is all too true, esp in these TET. Shoot it’s a recession and i’m getting all the free food I can, but at the same time sorry i’m just not that into u! lol
@Me fail english? & PrincesMo,
yasss. lol
@charli skipper,
“No, you don’t have to pick me up. I’ll meet you there”—-I’m not sure I want to ride in a car with you. And I don’t want to have to deal with having you drop me off at my house afterwards, with your awkward a*s.”
LOL that is a great interpretation. My other reasoning is I am not to sure yet if you have stalker tendencies. I don’t want you stalking me if I tell you that I don’t want to talk to you anymore.
@charli skipper,
Your list is really on point!!!! Note to self… Strike one!!!! This is so true!
@charli skipper,
““I’m sorry. *giggle* I always get giggly when someone tries to kiss me.”———Don’t touch me.
“No, it’s fine.”—-Note to self: strike one”
Love it!!!
@charli skipper,
Yes on all them! Esp the last three. I thought I was the only one who did the giggle thing as code for “get off me!”
@charli skipper, @charli skipper,
“No, it’s fine.”—-Note to self: strike one. – SO TRUE!! I second everything on this list… had to pull the “I’ll meet you there…” line just the other day, LOL!
@charli skipper,
“Yeah, I miss you too.”—I love the attention you show me, but I’m still on the fence regarding my feelings for you. But, hey, a girl’s gotta eat.
lol, this should be required reading for every simp on the planet
@charli skipper,
I actually mean “I miss you” when I say it. Thugs like me dont jus say that for no reason
Thug deez.
@Luvvie, If by thug you mean soft hearted punk, then by all means carry on
@Luvvie,
you aint no thug…. you’re not even a reasonable facsimile of a thug…..
@Luvvie,
U and these Twitter raps and your tiny fists just isn’t gonna cut it. Sowwy
@charli skipper,
“I’m sorry. *giggle* I always get giggly when someone tries to kiss me.”———Don’t touch me.”
all the time and it usually followed by another arkward attempt on his part and a “accidental” kick in the nuts on my part.
@charli skipper,
“I’m sorry. *giggle* I always get giggly when someone tries to kiss me.”———Don’t touch me.”
all the time and it usually followed by another arkward attempt on his part and a “accidental” kick in the nuts on my part.
“I’m not looking for a relationship” : I’m talking to several guys and I haven’t decided which one I like the best, so I’m going to continue dating you all at once.
“I think I have to work/something to do”: I don’t want to go out with you.
“I’m kind of busy”: I don’t want to talk to you.
(mid-conversation) “What time is it?” : You are boring me. Can I leave now?
…ok, so maybe I’m just wrong in general…
@chaoticdiva,
Maybe I am too…
@chaoticdiva,
“I’m not looking for a relationship” : I’m talking to several guys and I haven’t decided which one I like the best, so I’m going to continue dating you all at once. (CHING CHING)
“I think I have to work/something to do”: I don’t want to go out with you. (RING A LING)
“I’m kind of busy”: I don’t want to talk to you. (DING DING)
(mid-conversation) “What time is it?” : You are boring me. Can I leave now? (SNAP CRACKLE POP)
It’s like you read my mind girl!
I had ta sign up man yall are crazy had me dyin at work but here is my 2 cents.
“naw you go down first”= 69 and I owe you one
“nice dress” = dam wtf are you wearing and you say i cant dress
“can you rub my back” = and give me an excuse to take off my shirt and get molested
“im broke” = i spent all my money on the last broad
“after you miss, ladies first”= let me check out your big round ass again
my fav right after sex
“aww my homie just called I gotta go do some dirt dam i gotta go my bad”=cool I get to bang and not cuddle afterwards
thats all lol
@BLUNTBLAZER,
You aint fooling anyone with the last one. We know the deal.
@Dom,
That’s exactly what I was thinking… We all know you not getting out of ish that quick… who really answers the phone right after chex knowing you might just do it again.
@Dom,
Ive actually used that one a few times and its worked sad but true
@BLUNTBLAZER,
Not saying it wont work, but dam*ed if she doesnt know what youre doing.
@BLUNTBLAZER,
welcome and sh*t
@The Champ,
I like what you have going here hope i can add some bay area west coast flavor up in hea
Oh, and I forgot:
(in response to anything a guy says) “Awww!” : I don’t know what else to say because I’m not really that interested.
I’m a pretty straight shooter when I like the dude I’m involved with. The guys I don’t like…
Nice meeting you= Go away…quickly
I have a boyfriend=I just don’t like you
Sorry, can’t stop to talk= I just don’t like you
Haha, that’s funny= What did you say? I stopped listening after the third unfunny joke.
Haha, you’re crazy= You’re not funny at all. Shut up and leave.
I don’t think we’re compatible= You’re friend is cute. Is he single?
Wow, talking to you is just like talking to one of my girlfriends= You’re gay. STOP FRONTIN’
I have a headache= Let’s end this date now
I gotta pee=I don’t respect you
The only code I ever used with my man is…
No, I don’t trust you=You better be wearing a condom
edit: Haha, meant to post this separate, but lol @ Chaotic’s post. We might’ve been separated at birth
@Me fail english?,
Hhhhhhhhhaaaaaa! Soo funny but yeah that pretty much sums up all of the things I say and do.
@Me fail english?,
I gotta pee=I don’t respect you
lol, how do these even relate to each other?
@The Champ,
haha. I wouldn’t say something that crass to a man I just met unless I had zero respect. It’s up there with spitting and excessive cursing.
Kinda like how men won’t clean up the apt before a girl they dont respect comes over.
@Me fail english?,
I gotta pee=I don’t respect you
That is so true! If I really like you, there’s no way I’m going to say that. But if you’re boring and I need to leave then hey, I gotsta do what I gotta do.
Wow, talking to you is just like talking to one of my girlfriends= You’re gay. STOP FRONTIN’
This one is so funny. Sometimes I say stuff like this to a dude to see if he can pick on context clues.
lol!
can’t add anything – am laughing too hard.
From the mouth of a lady: “It’s cool. Don’t worry about it.” – Really means that your tired a$$ can’t do anything right (see Shay-d’s #4) and she’s gonna call that dude she’s been txtng/gchatting/talking to on the side to do all the things her man won’t do. Beware of a calm, quiet “Don’t worry about it.” that has no accompanying argument.
@pgh muse,
This is quite true!
*high fives pgh*
@pgh muse,
I agree. This phrase is never good.
@pgh muse, co-sign!
@pgh muse,
Yeah I co-sign too girl…
@pgh muse,
“Beware of a calm, quiet “Don’t worry about it.” that has no accompanying argument.”
PREACH! Thats the calm before a storm of epic proportions
@pgh muse,
Oh dang! That is me to a T.
“I tried calling you.” = I purposely called when I knew you wouldn’t be available.
this is used mostly by men, but women use it as well.
@Babs,
lol, yep and the always accusatory, pre-emptive strike
“Yo what’s wrong wit ya phone?!”
*Max B laugh*
@Babs,
“I tried calling you.” = I purposely called when I knew you wouldn’t be available.
this can also be interpreted as “technically i “tried”, but i just didnt actually complete the call”
@The Champ,
yea let it ring twice then say check ya phone log see I told u I called. so what it was at 3:30 am i still tried lol
1. “Perhaps you should wear…….(x,y,z)” I am trying to put you on to what I like instead of that nonsense that you have on at this current time. Because I am NOT gonna be seen out with you looking like that.
2. “You’d look good in…..” A lifestyle change for #1, so I don’t have to remind you again.
3. “I came already.” – s3x was great, but I am ready to go to sleep.
@Nicki Sunshine,
“I came already.”
This usually means for me, “not gonna happen tonight. Get off me and get to the bathroom”
@Me fail english?, LMAO. That’s what I mean- I’m lying about the big o. lol.
@Nicki Sunshine,
I would say #3 can be used 2 ways. This can also be used to say I should have had a V8 instead so if I tell you this maybe you will hurry up, get off, and possibly get the eff out! LOL
@Ms. T,
“I would say #3 can be used 2 ways. This can also be used to say I should have had a V8 instead so if I tell you this maybe you will hurry up, get off, and possibly get the eff out! LOL”
This reminded me of a time in my drunken past where I did something I shouldnt have with a guy that I shouldnt have and had to call my girlfriend for advice on how to get him out of my bed.
@mssmtaylor,
LOL, the answer to that was to keep waking him up ever so often til he get the picture that he gotta go! HAHAHAHA
@Ms. T,
for most men, being kicked out after chex is chest-bump worthy.
just tell us to get out…we don’t mind
really, we don’t
@Carver The Great!,
Bless his little heart tho.. he was asleep.
@Carver The Great!, You are gonna need more people on this one to satisfy me.
I am thinking the male ego is much to fragile- he wants us to think that he’s the best and that we are laying next to him hoping and wishing and praying that he stays.
@Carver The Great!,
When you tired and had a few drinks, you really do mind cause you are just trying to get your sleep on.
@Carver The Great!,
This is one of the lies men tell. I dont believe for a second men dont want to stay. Even if its only for the prospect of more booty after a nap!
Yeah I also think even if some men do wanna leave, they don’t wanna be put out. Just like with everything else, you gotta let the man think that your idea was his idea. Otherwise he’ll just poop all over your plans on purpose. (i.e. pretending to not hear when you said you have an early meeting somewhere)
@Carver The Great!,
you right unless she is gonna cook some breakfast or sumthin lol I had one gurl that was hella fine but snored like a dump truck the chex was great but dam cant get no sleep with miss 18 wheeler laying next to you. Plus mornin breath is nothin to play with lol.
@Ms. T, Yes, or talk him to death… and keep saying, “are you listening?” or turn into a clinger and start planning a future with him. Most likely, they will run. lol
@Nicki Sunshine,
LMAO hahaha!
@Nicki Sunshine, this is just wrong
But Peyso knows I am right! U didn’t deny it. lol
@Nicki Sunshine,
Heh heh. I think I saw this on a show (or maybe the internet) that if you wanna get rid of a guy, just tell him you love him.
Never tried it tho. Seems like there’s endless potential for backfire
@me fail english, LMAO. I have never heard of that, but I’d be scared to do it too.. that I Love You phrase can bring out the beauty and the ugly in a person.
@Ms. T, Exactly!!!
@Nicki Sunshine,
i have gotten put out after she put out and here’s what happened afterward
*walks in the house while the crew is playing ps3*
me: i just beat it up and then she kicked me out afterwards
the homies: word? *drops controller*….THAT’S WHAT’S UP!
*celebratory chest bump like we just scored the game winning touchdown*
the end
@Carver The Great!, LMAO! I think you are the minority and not the majority!
@Nicki Sunshine,
nah. for a man, it feels good to feel like you’ve been objectified (read: slutted out) every once in a while.
@Carver The Great!,
“i have gotten put out after she put out and here’s what happened afterward
*walks in the house while the crew is playing ps3*
me: i just beat it up and then she kicked me out afterwards
the homies: word? *drops controller*….THAT’S WHAT’S UP!
*celebratory chest bump like we just scored the game winning touchdown*
the end”
Funny sh!t unfortunately I aint buying it..
Oh, I totally buy it. Men (Who aren’t dating you/trying to build something with you) don’t wanna stay. They are all too happy when you play the role of bad guy for them and kick them out.
I don’t know if its a blessing or a curse that I have close guy friends who tell me this ish…
@Carver The Great!,
if one omy niggas came in the crib after beatin something, and said she kicked him out, there would be no chest bumping nor celebrating. niggas would be thinkin damn he must of dindt beat it right and prolly will never beat again. all sad faces for lost rebeats
@Carver The Great!,
How old were you when this happened?
@MilkandCookies,
lemme see…since chest bumpin just recently got popular and ps3′s ain’t been out that long i’d have to say it was a year or two ago…so i was 24/25ish
@Carver The Great!,
haha hell yeah drivin home after you just banged feels great. Plus walking in the house cheesin like a runaway slave lol. Guys like to be taken advantage of also. I love it when a gurl gets me drunk then takes advatage of me thats the best.
@Carver The Great!,
lol. Men are so slutty *no shots*
@Me fail english?,
you would be too if you didn’t have to worry about trimesters and sh*t after a night of casual chex.
don’t blame us, blame biology
@Nicki Sunshine,
YESSSSS, Nicki!
“Oh Really”?~keep talking– your digging yourself into a deeper hole.
“Whatever”~I really wanna say some choice words to you, but I don’t feel like fighting so I’m going to end this convo/sentence and keep it moving.
@miss t-lee,
“Oh Really”?~keep talking– your digging yourself into a deeper hole.
This is in line with Nicki’s strike one statement. I just continue to listen and make the judgement that they are cancelling themselves.
I don’t agree with the “Am I fat?” translation.
I recently had a male ask me if something on him made him look fat. I didn’t translate that to mean he was gay, just that he was concerned about his body.
I think men try and front but they are JUST as concerned about their physical appearence as women are. We just come off as being more concerned because we are vocal.
As men get older, they tend to put on weight and with that comes the constant looking in the mirror and sucking in the gut.
IT IS OKAY FOR A MAN TO BE CONCERNED WITH HIS PHYSICAL APPEARANCE. It doesn’t mean he is gay.
@Ivy St.,
you’re right we are concerned with our appearance, but the last thing we’d do is ask a woman about it. we’d just take our questionably fat self to the gym and get un-fat
thus that statement makes you gay simply because you said it aloud
@Carver The Great!,
“thus that statement makes you gay simply because you said it aloud”
too funny
@Carver The Great!,
“we’d just take our questionably fat self to the gym and get un-fat”
N you would not! LOL! I think u guys forget that your metabolism slows with age. So you just sit around and wait to get thin again.
I’ve seen it too many times.
@Ivy St., I kind of agree with this…I’ve noticed now that I’m a couple of years past 30 that my fellow over 30 guys are a little more concerned about their weight… but at the same time not too many of them are talking about it sooooo….maybe a side eye is in order for those who do…
@Ivy St., I am 33 and lost 40 lbs from 216 to 175 so I dont know who these lard asses you hang around with but I aint having it if a man is gonna question his appearance and finds out he is fat and doesnt like well he best head to the gym or he turns into the guy trying to “dress up the gut” not a good look, nothing worst than a slim dude with the kangaroo pouch
@Carver The Great!,
gotta cosign guys just look in the mrror and say you know what its time to hit the gym or run around the block a few times. If we are content nothing else matters.
@Ivy St.,
Seriously if some guy asked me that question he’d be getting the side-eye from me.
For real–keep them thoughts to yourself.
yep.
@miss t-lee,
Pretty much.
@Ivy St.,
“I recently had a male ask me if something on him made him look fat.”
That’s gay as hell. And why is he rockin smthg tight enough for us to be able to tell he’s fat? Straight butt sex!
@Me fail english?,
*dead* LOL
@Me fail english?,
Okay—this is two days straight….stop it!!! LMAO
@Me fail english?,
LOL! It really wasn’t that tight. Maybe he was just asking. It was an event with LOTS of females. Maybe he wanted to make sure he was looking good for them. I don’t know.
@Ivy St., its ok, give up. you tried
@Peyso,
@Ivy St.,
He would have said: “Do I look good?” But the “Do I look fat in this?” Straight B.Scott. NTTIAWWT.
@Me fail english?,
LOL
@Ivy St., He’s gay.
@Ivy St.,
Umm, quit while you behind Your friend seems slightly zesty with a side of a flipped wrist and lipgloss (Yes, Ne-Yo)
1. Can I come through? Translation: I want to come over and have wild, swinging monkey passion with you.
@Ivy St.,
“Can I come through?” – I thought people said this to the weed man. Just me?
awkward silence
@Lil’T,
Nope!!! Just you! J/K But yeah that usually mean they want to drop one off right quick then dip.
@Lil’T,
no.
I heard “come through” and I’ve also used it…lol
@Lil’T,
I’ve missed you, lol.
@Lil’T,
Where ya been girl!!!?!?!?!?!??!
@Ivy St.,
Ugh I hate this terminology. Its like you’re not even worth making an actual stop. You “go through” on your way to more important places where you eventually stay. GTFOH
@Dom,
The first time it was said to me, I didn’t know what it meant. I just thought it was short for hang out. So when he came over, he explained it. I wanted to say, please leave and NEVER come back. I hate this term too! I just say no. Asking this question could be a real deal breaker now a days.
@Ivy St.,
yeah, “can i come through” has basically become black america’s de facto euphemism for “can i have sex with you?”. both men and women understand the true meaning behind it
@The Champ,
“both men and women understand the true meaning behind it.”
Are you TRYING to say that I’m slow because I didn’t get it when it was asked. It’s not MY fault men respect my time and my physical being… well until this one ninja tried to “come thru”!
@Ivy St.,
“I want to come over and have wild, swinging monkey passion with you.”
This just killt me not so softly. LOL
“what did i do???” = “i know what i did, i just wanna see how much mileage i still have on this ignorance card”
i use this one very often…in the same spirit of the above statement, i have learned if you play dumb and are persistent about it, you can eventually get away with just about anything with women.
ignorance is bliss
@Carver The Great!,
lol! This is unfortunately true. We just get so frustrated that we have to stop arguing. But we do know that you know what you did. *sigh*
@Me fail english?,
you will need headphones for this eloquent example from eddie murphy’s raw: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bEovJYZsiDY
*disclaimer* the “ignorance is bliss” tactic only works if you have given her a healthy dosage of vitamin d.
lames be warned, do not try this at home.
@Carver The Great!,
lames be warned, do not try this at home.
Kilt.
“i’m not looking for a relationship right now” = “i’m not looking for a relationship with you right now…just your vagina”
ahhh, the story of my recent move to black man’s heaven (read: atlanta, ga)
@Carver The Great!,
you know, i recently heard that houston is actually a better city for a single young black professional dude. supposedly, its atl, but bigger and without the pretentiousness and posturing.
@The Champ,
agreed, atl has plenty of pretention (f u english majors) although i wouldn’t wife a pretentious babe, i sure love to ‘date’ them
houston is dope as well, i used to live in dallas and that’s another good city. however, atlanta wins out for the following reasons:
1) weather’s better
2) more non-locals
3) not nearly as spread out as houston and dallas
4) you can win simply by being heterochexual
i don’t why but i should mention that texas has no state income tax…that has nothing to do with size of n*pples on a str*pper
@Carver The Great!,
“4) you can win simply by being heterochexual”
I’m sure this is winning you madd points right now. Being as the blogs I’ve been seeing lately from the A are flooded with dudes wearing high heels and carrying women’s purses.
@Carver The Great!,
I’m sooooooooo scared of Atlanta. In my mind–based on what I’ve heard–the men are just one big hetero-homo-downlow blur and you have to use spidey senses to tell them apart. I’m confident in my women’s intuition and all, but uh uh. What if I mess up!? Too much pressure!!!
@Carver The Great!,
I was just gonna say that about the income tax! If my family didn’t live here, “somewhere in TX” is on my top three list of places to move, (up there with the Chi) and that’s the main reason.
lol@ men’s love of “dating” stuck up chicks.
@Me fail english?,
Gotta love my state. lol
*loves that no income tax*
@miss t-lee,
Sure do! Extra money in my pocket AND I get to claim the Sales Tax.
@The Champ,
You’ve heard right Champ. But shhhhh! We’re trying to keep it a secret!
@Carver The Great!,
D.C.
@Carver The Great!,
ahhh, the story of my recent move to black man’s heaven (read: atlanta, ga) = “If you are decent non desperate black woman looking for a solid relationship with a great guy DO NOT move to Atlanta!”
@Blue Skyez,
*duly noted*
@Blue Skyez,
HA! My sister learned this the hard way
@Blue Skyez, “If you are decent non desperate black woman looking for a solid relationship with a great guy DO NOT move to Atlanta!”
Is there a good place in America for Black women to go when looking for a solid relationship anymore?
@pgh muse,
i blame part of it on y’all…if women in general didn’t make being a thug/d-boy/etc so appealing then less dudes would go after that lifestyle.
thankfully i had mentors that showed me you can get degrees AND bad chicks at the same time.
@pgh muse,
Seattle. San Diego.
(Well, I would say Houston but we’re not trying to get flooded over here.
)
@pgh muse, I was going to ask the same question
@Carver The Great!,
The reason I hate living in Atlanta right now lol, which I should have considered before moving back down here lol
if we don’t answer our phones when we’re with you =
1) we know you’re nosey as sh*t and don’t want to give you any shrapnel of information for you to try to figure out who’s on the other line, regardless the gender of the caller…women in general are VERY BAD detectives
2) we actually like you and are slowly but surely cutting the other members of the team
3) wtf is my jumpoff doing calling me when the sun is up? the audacity…
@Carver The Great!, HA HA HA!!! #3 has been thought plenty of times!!
@Carver The Great!,
Ok this has to be said..I cant hold it in any longer.
You sir are one funny mo fo. Where do you get this sh!t?
@mssmtaylor,
thank ya!
@Carver The Great!,
LOL I have tol augh but agree with all 3 of these! Cause you best believe if someone is with me, I pretend like I am not listening but I am really listening like a hawk to see what I can find out.
@Ms. T,
“LOL I have tol augh but agree with all 3 of these! Cause you best believe if someone is with me, I pretend like I am not listening but I am really listening like a hawk to see what I can find out”
EXACTLY!!
@Ms. T,
Haha, me too.
And all this time I thought I was doing a crack job at my detective work.
@Carver The Great!,
#2 Other then that, I answer
@Ivy St.,
you’re not the one trying to get the cookie, you already have one. in the pursuit of happyness, your “every move is a calculated step” (c) 2pac
…and besides when a girl i’m with answers her phone, i’m too busy trying to text another babe before her convo ends…and you KNOW we can’t multitask
@Carver The Great!, ditto
@Carver The Great!,
“you KNOW we can’t multitask”
Sometimes I like this feature in men and sometimes I don’t.
@Carver The Great!,
lol, whats even funnier is when you volunteer the information, and they act like all surprised like “you didnt have to tell me”. i mean, since you’re already in the kool-aid, the least i could do is tell you the flavor
@The Champ,
Haha, this is actually endearing. Like “he cares enough to be transparent *swoon*”…
…unless you tell me “Damn, it’s big booty Kisha again. I swear she can’t get enough!
”
@Me fail english?,
I watched the umpteenth
nonfunny rom com starring Dan Cook and that was his schtick.What was the title of this movie again? My best friend’s girlfriend or some such.
@Carver The Great!,
lmao hell yea bruh bruh I had one gurl trip cause she didnt believe it was my moms on the other line and grabbed the phone and got cussed out old skoo style. After that I could get away with murder and she would believe me. lol
@Carver The Great!,
Wow playa, you just puttin’ all the good ones out there for the sistas, huh? LOL!!
The “I’m not looking for a relationship right now” is so on point!! It has been stated by me before, during and after the deed and I meant every word of it!!
The last 3 are funny but so darn true!!
@Don Giovanni,
Oh how I’ve missed your exclamation points…lol
@miss t-lee, They are coming back!! Slowly, but surely!!!!
@Don Giovanni,
@Don Giovanni,
welcome back and sh*t
“nuffin” = *usually said with tiddy in mouth* “I’m sucking your tiddy, stop acting stupid.”
“I’m looking for someone who fits my style” = I need someone as equally as freaky as me, no bs!
“We can hang out” = I’m hoping we can smash later.
“So, when was your last relationship” = When’s the last time you got broke off proper.
“That picture with you and your girls is nice” = Your friends look better than you…who’s the chick on the right?
More Captainisms to follow…
@CPT Callamity,
““So, when was your last relationship” = When’s the last time you got broke off proper.”
I think women use this one too. Its like a test.
@Dom,
Yeah, I get it often. Women do a lot of f*ckin testing…
@CPT Callamity,
double entendre much?
@The Champ,
Way too much. A lot of folks can’t handle straightforwardness so I’ve learned in recent years…
Plus “so can we f*ck” has only worked maybe once…
I’m really tired= I don’t wanna hang out
You know what was really fun? When you did this!= You know what I really hate? When you do that!
You need to…=You better hurry up and…or there will be trouble
I’m bored=Come over
You’ve been hanging out with Ted alot= I hate Ted!
I don’t care= I’m so pissed, I might hurt you
I think I need some space= Damn, there’s alot of hotties at my gym!
I think we need a break= You’ve already been replaced
@Me fail english?,
This whole thing rocks
@Me fail english?,
I think we need a break
breaks kill me. i mean, if you’re not married, just f*ckin break up! aint no pre-marriage relationship separation agreements and sh*t
@The Champ,
Yeah breaks are always code for “break up”. At least that’s what I’ve always believed. And while I’ve never been on a break, if I ever am, I totally intend to start the “move on” process.
@Me fail english?,
I can get behind this whole list.
@Me fail english?,
I think we need a break= You’ve already been replaced…
…or I’m going to Vegas for all-star weekend and want to experience every single bit of it…
LOL!
One that drives me nuts is when a man I just meet says:
Where your boyfriend at?…. meaning do you have a man and most times the thought is if so I don’t care!
I can’t stand being “fished” like that, just ask.
@Ms. T,
Lol. Yeah men are funny. I hate when my bf asks “Are you sleep?”. As if that’s what you’re really asking.
NO SOUP FOR YOU!
@Me fail english?, hahahahaha at the Soup Nazi
@Me fail english?,
“I hate when my bf asks “Are you sleep?””
LMAO! Me too! Especially since you KNOW I’ve been asleep for like 2 hours now. it’s like, “No I was just sitting here thinking.”
@Ivy St.,
lol. That’s why I never answer, roll over or blink!
@Me fail english?,
Bwahahaha!
@Ms. T, I hate this.
This dude at the gym came up to me, “I see you going in. Looking good. What your boyfriend is beating on you, so you trying to build up your strength on some Enough type ish?”
WTF??? Was that the best thing you could think of to see if I had a dude? Please flank off.
@Bailey,
LMAO!!!!!
Gym guys are the sleaziest dudes on Earf!
@Bailey,
“This dude at the gym came up to me, “I see you going in. Looking good. What your boyfriend is beating on you, so you trying to build up your strength on some Enough type ish?”
*sigh* SMH in utter embarrassment for that negro.
This……
“thats not what i meant” = “actually, i did mean exactly that, but since this unexpectedly upset you, i’m gonna to continue to rephrase it until i find something that works. take a seat. this might take a while”………. Is the truth right here! Its actually funny to watch men squirm and try to wiggle their way out of it when they spit some BS and get called out!
For women I can only speak for myself. If I say “no I didnt (climax) but that doesnt mean I didnt enjoy it” That means you were whack and no I wont be back for more.
@Dom,
“no I didnt (climax) but that doesnt mean I didnt enjoy it”
Don’t save ‘em girl. Say what you really mean…lol
They need to know…it’s like a public service announcement.
@miss t-lee,
LOL! Usually the ones that ask already know they were lacking and ask to pump up their ego. What can I say, I play the game.
@Dom,
You’re so sweet…I can’t do it mayne!
Then again, I can’t really lie at all…lol
@Dom,
Thank yoU!!!!! So true.
Am I an anomaly because I say what I mean, and mean what I say? I learned from my pops (quite possibly the realest man to ever walk the earth) that lies and bullshyt are for people who can’t handle the ramifications of what they have to say.
I think people who use a lot of code language don’t want anyone to know how much of an @sshole they are. I’m a self-admitted @sshole (tshirt?). I usually speak in a tactful manner, but it’s fun to be a jerk once in a while. Lol.
@Voiceofreason,
Gotta call poppycock on this one. I used to think this about myself too (the part about being one of the few people who has no codes). But you start to realize after a while that sometimes the plain truth aint worth the drama that follows!
If you always shoot from the hip, you’re probably the one in your group starting all the drama!
Consider the following:
Mama: Why didn’t you pick up the phone
Me Fail: Cuz I’m tired of talking to you so often
Boss: Would you like to help me with this project?
Me Fail: No, I’d rather you did it yourself. I mean, what is that you do around here?
See how being a jerk in some situations doesn’t really benefit anyone.
@Me fail english?,
Your post reads like a segment of When Keeping It Real Goes Wrong.
@Me fail english?, and the award for “proving being an “ash pole” for no reason in one of the funniest examples ive ever seen goes to….Me fail english? (if for nothing but the fact I work for the govt. and half the time have no idea what these people are paid to do…..
as for the rest of this post, i will be declining to comment on it as it relates to me on the grounds of possible self-incrimination. (i know we here at VSB are all about sharing and sh*t, but come on…ive gotta cover my @$$.
i will howeever offer up an example from the female perspective.
“I like that you have friends and some female ones at that, but sometimes I wish you would would spend more time with me.” = you spend to much time for other women and its making me nervous.
ordinarily this would simply be them saying that they wished a dude spent more time, but the fact she felt she had to mention that some of the friends are female? Red Flag.
@Me fail english?,
Nope. There’s ALWAYS a way to be honest and tactful at the same time. It’s not the same as shooting from the hip. When you tell the truth with out being hurtful, people respect you because you have good intentions and because you care enough to choose your words carefully.
@Voiceofreason and Me Fail, I definitely think there are ways to maintain your integrity while telling a white lie, or just omitting the truth. You don’t have to say “I’ll do it but I’d rather not.” Just say “I’ll do it.” The a$$hole part is adding, “But i’d rather not.” That’s really unneccessary. That’s just asking to be labeled difficult, or something… There’s also something to telling the truth from your own personal vantage point at all times and thinking that’s the gospel. There are other people in the world with their own version of the truth too… so I guess i think Me Fail wins this one (ha! like ya’ll asked. u both love me! Smooches!) Like truthfully, i had to get on the floor and pray 4 times so far today so I didn’t bust someone @ my place of employment in the head with a stapler… but I can’t SAY that. I can’t say “I don’t really give a flying fluck about what ur asking me for, but I’ll do it cuz I’m a slave to my paycheck…” but that’s my personal truth lol. … so in conclusion, trying to beat someone over the head with your version of the truth is kinda a$$holish and inconsiderate. I know ya’ll didn’t ask 4 my $.02, but this was callin’ me, and I love ya much, VOR.
@Me fail english?,
And the example you provided is of someone being evil, and nasty. When I’m a jerk it comes across as humorous. Maybe it’s wrong, but I like it when people are laughing hysterically and saying “I hate you!” at the same time.
@Voiceofreason,
You’re taking it as evil when it’s really just honest. There’s only so many ways you can clean up “I don’t feel like talking to you” before you start equivocating and getting into codes.
There’s only so many ways you can say “I don’t want to help you” before you’re just lying.
Also, if people see humor in the way you say something it has more to do with their sense of humor than the way you phrased it. There’s certain stuff that no matter how you say it someone’s gonna be hurt.
So I’ll let you write the script: Your boss calls you in. He’s lazy, hyper-critical, incompetent and always takes credit for the work you do. You really hate working for him, much less working with him. He asks “would you like to help on this project?” And you reply….
Remember. No codes.
@Me fail english?,
I’d politely say, “I’ll do it, though I’d rather not.” I’ve responded this way to managers in the past.
@Voiceofreason,
And nobody’s asked you why you’d rather not? What would you say if they did?
In these TETs I’ve seen people get let go for keeping it real about how much they really like their jobs and whether they wanna be a part of the team or not.
I’m having trouble buying the prospect of a manager being completely cool with an employee politely saying “I’d rather not help you”
@Me Fail English?,
No one has ever asked me why I’d rather not. In the scenario described the manager is always taking my ideas, which means he knows how talented I am and he needs my ideas. No one fires a vital resource in TET.
In addition, the scenario described is unrealistic. Managers like this never ask you if you want to help, they tell you that you’re going to help.
I understand that you’re making an attempt to create a situation in which I MUST use a code, but the fact of the matter is I don’t do that. It’s a part of who I am. Of course there are always situations in which a person will get hurt no matter what you say, but there’s no cause for bullshyting. If you inherently have good intentions people can see that and it softens the blow, even if it’s as simple as prefacing your statement with phrases like “I hate to say this but…” or “I know this is going to come out the wrong way but I don’t know how else to say it.”
Lastly, my original post was a comment directed at today’s topic which applies to the context of how men and women communicate in relationships. But I didn’t think I needed to say that.
Me Fail English?, I love you, but you’re making me tired today!
@Voiceofreason,
It’s not unrealistic at all. The same way you have bosses that don’t mind that you don’t want to help, I’ve had plenty of bosses who say “Would you mind…” and “Can you…” rather than “Go, do it”. I think what’s unrealistic is saying “people always understand my intentions because I have tact.” Or saying that bosses never questioned your reluctance to help because you’re so good at what you do. As if you couldn’t be replaced.
I said ‘poppycock’ but I meant “bullshet” because I simply don’t believe that you and your father got through life never telling a fib. I didn’t want to call you a self-righteous liar because that would be rude.
@Me fail english?,
CHALLONJ!
BTW, I agree with you. Codes aren’t undetectable just cuz u used a layer of humor thats thinner than brian mcknight’s sheer shirts.
@Luvvie,
smh@ Brian McKnight’s sheer, shiny shirts
That’s all I’m saying. It takes a very thick-skinned or oblivious person to not care or realize they’re being told they aint isht. Assuming that your audience will always laugh it off doesn’t seem like a sound strategy.
If my employee told me they’d rather not help me they’d be next in line for the layoffs!
@Me Fail English,
So are you sticking to your own scenario? You described a boss that is…
“hyper-critical, incompetent and always takes credit for the work you do.”
@Voiceofreason,
And how does a boss wanting to get rid of employees that don’t enjoy being part of the team make them “hyper-critical, incompetent and always [taking] credit for the work you do.”?
It’s called discretionary effort. Bosses want it and if you don’t give it…you’re out.
@Me Fail English?,
My statement was directed at you saying that you’d fire someone for saying they’d rather not help. If you’re sticking to your own scenario you’re saying you are the type of boss you described.
And again, it’s rare that a boss asks for your assistance. They tell you what you’re going to do because they don’t give a d@mn about what you want. But this really doesn’t have much to do with today’s topic.
I’m giving you a new name: Me Like Arguing?
@Luvvie,
I know that the statement was directed at me so the question stands how does not wanting someone on people on my team who don’t want to help make me:
-hyper critical
-incompetent
-taking credit for what they do
Maybe I just want people who are enthused about working with me. Also, I have a boss and have employees working for me as well. Corporate cultures are different everywhere but we rarely (if ever) make demands. I know I have the power to make people do it. But everyone (even the jerk bosses I described above) makes a point to be respectful of others’ workloads, what they enjoy doing, what they are good at, etc. Thusly, it’s more common that we ask for people’s participation. Even if it’s not really optional.
@Voiceofreason,
jerk deez
(sorry, i couldnt resist the opportunity to say that)
@The Champ,
Lol!
@The Champ,
Btw…are you coming to my bday party???
@The Champ,
Lol. That sounds painful
“word??? she said what?” – i’m not listening, but the chances that you’re mad at some chick at your job guarantees me another 10 mins on this convo. and that’s 10mins closer to the puma.
“so why are you single???” – start complaining……..here.
“damn gurl. that’s crazy” – why is my attention span so short? i swear i go deaf the second you start speaking, but i’m trying. please don’t judge me for it.
“Ooh that’s enuff ma, i can’t even take no more” – you’re grazing me. please stop. i need this for later.
“so who all coming??” – i hate your friends.
This:
“Ooh that’s enuff ma, i can’t even take no more” – you’re grazing me. please stop. i need this for later.
Killed me.
@Mean_Mugg,
“Ooh that’s enuff ma, i can’t even take no more” – you’re grazing me. please stop. i need this for later.
LOL
@Mean_Mugg,
““so why are you single???” – start complaining……..here’
*DEAD
@Mean_Mugg,
LMAO! These are funny cuz they’re true. I guess everyone uses “You so crazy! HAHAHA!”
Note to self: ask the next person who tells me that “What makes you say that?” and pretend to have been talking about a sick grandma.
heheheh
“Aww, I’m always a little hard to reach, my other friends hate it too” = See, I called you FRIEND! I’m not interested, STOP calling.
“I like your homegirl, she’s cool”= I’m watching that biznotch.
“Babe, you aren’t THAT out of shape”= YES, you are.
“How can I make you feel better?” = Hopefully sex will shut you up.
@8th Wonder,
“You aren’t that outta shape” – Boo, you got kinda fluffy but I’ont wanna hurt ur feelings
“You ok, babe?” – Say “no” so I can baby you for the night. I feel like being nice today. Take advantage of it
@Luvvie,
indeed…..
@8th Wonder,
“Aww, I’m always a little hard to reach, my other friends hate it too” = See, I called you FRIEND! I’m not interested, STOP calling.
Oh gosh, I am forever saying that.
My Favorite: “Oh, ok, now I see.” Translation: “This conversation just ended. I no longer care.”
@An Island,
Hahaha. Don’t forget the obligatory, vigorous head nodding. You also can not allow the woman to complete any sentences once you’ve said this
Her: I’m just saying…
Him: Yup!
Her:…that all I really want is…
Him: Uh huh! Got it!
When my bf does this I usually get confused and go watch tv. Wily bastard.
@Me fail english?,
The mid-sentence “Uh huh, I got it,” is also a favorite, but that line frequently gets talked/yelled over, and is much more aggressive. I prefer to wait for the natural pause, then confirm that the credits are rolling on our little convo.
And I don’t do the vigorous nod, I do the locked in eye contact followed by saying the line slowly. It’s like hypnosis if performed correctly.
@ Mean_Mugg
“So who all coming??” – I hate your friends
Yes!!! That def goes both ways. Women want to know who they will have to almost go to blows with that evening.
haha, my code for that is, “Oh, so-and-so is coming? I thought they were busy tonight?”
That ALWAYS means, damn, I dont wanna see that mofo tonight or any other night.
@YaDaddyLikesIt,
exactly why i advocate a strict division between church(wifey) and state(goons).
@YaDaddyLikesIt,
hahahha
I use this all too often. Even when I go out with my homegirls…lol
“don’t think imma stay out too late anyway. i just gotta show my face” – batten down the hatches and prepare the cooter. u r gettin some seriously drunk pipe 2nite. Imma be bussin str8 hennessey shots till i pass out.
“for some reason my phone is acting up and i can’t get any calls- did you just call me ?” – your gushy is top shelf and I am no longer responsible for my actions. I am thirsty. dangerously so. please save yourself before it is too late.
“I just been maad busy” – unfortunately, due to the fact that a translation is no longer even necessary for this one, this former convenience has now been banished to the boneyard. but what a fine soldier it was. ~moment of silence~
@Mean_Mugg,
“don’t think imma stay out too late anyway. i just gotta show my face” – batten down the hatches and prepare the cooter. u r gettin some seriously drunk pipe 2nite. Imma be bussin str8 hennessey shots till i pass out.
“for some reason my phone is acting up and i can’t get any calls- did you just call me ?” – your gushy is top shelf and I am no longer responsible for my actions. I am thirsty. dangerously so. please save yourself before it is too late.”
LOL! These almost made me pee my pants, too funny. and thanks for the info
@Mean_Mugg,
Y’all are killing me today.
Hi-la-ri-ty!
@Mean_Mugg,
Oh my lord. My chest hurts from laughing so hard, please stop that.
“oh ma bad baby, my phone has been acting up and I didn’t get your calls n sh*t..” — I was ducking your ass cause I was out on some monkey business. plain n simple.
“My phone was messing up, bad signal” = I sent your call to voicemail bc you didn’t get a clue after I didn’t answer the last five calls you made
“Naw you can’t come in, I’ve been so busy and my place is a mess” = Ummm, uh-ruh yo ass will NEVER come in my domicile
Man: Was it good for you?
Alise: Ummm, it was cool = The sex was like hot seafood restaurant garbage ater a rain storm in August.
“Today is Alise’s birthday!” = Today is Alise’s birthday!
Happy Birthday to meeeeeeeeeeeeee!
@Naturally Alise,
Happy Birthday!
@Naturally Alise,
Feliz Cumpleanos a TU!!!!
@Naturally Alise,
Happy Birthday. Have some unicorn feed on me.
@Naturally Alise,
Happy Birthday!
@Naturally Alise,
Another May baby! Happy Birthday!
@Naturally Alise,
Happy Birthday.
@Naturally Alise,
yay!!!
*shooting gold happy birthday stars*
@Naturally Alise, Happy Birfday!
@The Champ,
yea let it ring twice then hang up and say check ya phone log see I told u I called. so what it was at 3:30 am i still tried lol
ooo that I got some…it took long cause I had to read through all to make sure I didn’t repeat:
Woman: “I’m a strong indenpendent woman/I don’t need a man!”
Really saying: “I’m so dam* lonely. All I got are these dam* rockets/cats to keep me company!” (LOL I’m kidding)
Man/Woman: “I’m kidding!”
Really saying:” No, I’m not really kidding. I meant every word but I don’t want to seem mean!”
Women: “All Men are Dogs!”
Really saying: “I’m so dam* lonely. All I got are these dam* rockets/cats to keep me company!”
Men/Women : “He’s/She’s is aight. He/she is funny/has a great personality.” (Regarding looks of family member friend/acquaintance/person that you don’t want to hurt feelings of)
Really Saying: “He/She resembles a gorilla on a good day!”
LOL, I’m kidding.
College aged woman’s answer to “You got a boyfriend?” to nosey family members at reunions: “No. I’m really just trying to focus on school and my career now.”
Really saying: “College guys suck booteeee!!!! Thank gawd I have my rabbit!!!”
That’s all I
@Blue Skyez,
lol. these were good. and the thing about college girls can be extended to every woman
“I’m single because I’m really just tryna focus on my career/school/home renovations”= I’m getting nothing but duds! Someone hook me up!
When men say “I’m just really too focused on my career for a relationship” it depends on who they said it to
to family = “I’m a hoe. Stop asking for grandkids”
to a woman he’s dating = “You’re Jennifer Aniston, I’m holding out for Angelina.”
to a woman he’s already engaged to you= “You can get to the altar at 3pm if you want to. I’ll be in Brazil by then”
@Me fail english?,
You are so on point with these today! I think you should create a dictionary of these!
@Me fail english?,
When men say “I’m just really too focused on my career for a relationship” it depends on who they said it to
to family = “I’m a hoe. Stop asking for grandkids”
to a woman he’s dating = “You’re Jennifer Aniston, I’m holding out for Angelina.”
to a woman he’s already engaged to you= “You can get to the altar at 3pm if you want to. I’ll be in Brazil by then”
LOOLLL I can’t even breath. now. I’d feel so hurt if a guy I was engaged to said that to me. You can just call me Lorena Bobbit if that junk happens…I’m kidding!
@Blue Skyez,
LMAO. These were on point!
@Blue Skyez,
College aged woman’s answer to “You got a boyfriend?” to nosey family members at reunions: “No. I’m really just trying to focus on school and my career now.”
Really saying: “College guys suck booteeee!!!! Thank gawd I have my rabbit!!!”
LOL when I was in college the answer was not the rabbit, or that college boys sucked. The answer was I have a boonopolis i.e. splackavellie. But these old folks don’t need to know all the business. HEHEHE
@Ms. T, i have heard about splackavellie in a min, we used to offer that to chicks at my PWI. They were confused
@Ms. T,
Omg…Dead @ the mention of “splackavellie” I always thought it sounded like some weird Italian dish and not emergency vitamin D. lol!
@Blu Skyez,
I am sticking to my term, it was a great song that described the whole truth! LMAO!
@Ms. T,
re:”Splackavellie”
Bloody murder luv. just bloody murder.
now if may lower my spectacles for a moment….
back in my day, we were vigilant in ensuring no cuda on campus was left un-splacked. with the relative dearth of colored cuda on our campus, ambition and organization were the guiding tenets of our splackavellie movement. And even(or especially) if she wasn’t hott, there somehow was always a man for the job.
Bow your heads and pray for our youth…..
1. “Ok” = You have won this argument. I am not going to pursue it any further. I’m not even going to continue thinking about it. So, drop the issue.
2. *silence* = You have crossed the line. But I will not air your business or embarrass you in public. I am NOT amused.
3. “If you say so” = You are keeping something for me. Don’t think I’m not paying attention and don’t think I will forget.
4. In response to “what are you thinking” – “Nothing” = I was looking at the wall and bookshelf thinking “hmm, that is a wall. Look at those books. I wonder if I’ve read one of those books. When did that picture get on. . . great, she’s about to ask me what I’m thinking”.
5. “On your knees” = On your knees.
I can’t deal with you, as always, lol.
@kamakula,
*tears are strumming down my eyes as I read*
Oh em gee (wkcite Nicki Sunshine)
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! This was hilarious! Excellent!
Whenever a guy gives a chick an excuse why he’s not looking for a relationship it just means he’s not looking for one with HER. When a man wants you…you never have to wonder…just like you never have do wonder if he DOESN’T want you.
I know this is too simple mind ya. Seriously.
lol… i’ll just hit the print button so that i can refer to my guide for translation when needed..lol
Thank You Champ!!
LMAO…pure comedy!
{ 1 trackback }