“yeah, yeah, yeah…writing about diva dudes and cambodian breast milk is all well and good, but when do one of you “smart” brothas plan on giving us some tips on what we really care about: how to put it down in the bedroom?”
i’ve received dozens of variants of this question since this site’s inception, easily becoming our most requested topic idea. with this in mind, i’ve decided today to share with everyone the champs comprehensive, omniscient, all-encompassing, and all-inclusive two part guide detailing absolutely everything you need to do to insure that you and your partner will always have the best sex that you all can possibly have.
this is the sex guide to end all sex guides. the alpha and the omega. transcending gender as each part applies equally to both men and women, this will be the only sex guide you’ll ever read that will cover any and everything you personally need to know to make you the sultan of the sack, the bedroom bigwag, the coitus king, the queif queen. take notes.
part one: check your effing ego at the door.
part two: pay attention.
the end
—the champ
Related posts:
- the champs comprehensive, omniscient, all-encompassing, and all-inclusive two part guide detailing absolutely everything you need to do to insure that you will always have the best sex that you can possibly have…part two
- 12 things about sex i’ve learned since becoming an adult
- the vsb do’s and dont’s of making a sex tape
- 10 Reasons Why You Will Absolutely Not Get A Call Back
- the battle of the sex-less
{ 25 comments… read them below or add one }
Classy.
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Chuuch!!
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Preach baby! Preach! Champ, thank you for this very IMPORTANT TWO PART GUIDE! I wish more bruthas would check their ego at the door and in my earlier days I wish more bruthas would pay attention. I plan to print this out and make it required reading for my next suitor (psyche).
In other news Miss Patterson (yes, I’m speaking in 3rd person) is watching a special BET memorial day marathon of A Different World… and I immediately thought of my fellow ladies on this blog who were talking about Dwayne Wayne (refer to Officer Torres post) and I remembered how in love I was with his character. How could I forget? Especially, “Baby Please!!!” (true fans know what episode I’m talking about). Talk about a panty… nevermind.
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Liz Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 1:11 am
LOL!!! I am watching the marathon RIGHT NOW!!! Definitely in the middle of the super crush-worthy episodes of Dwayne Cleophus Wayne too…
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Miss Patterson Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 1:45 am
wait, are you on the west coast? They’re playing the South Central “MESSAGE” episodes and I’m having serious flashbacks…both of wishing Dwayne Wayne was the one to take my virginity and also of Bomani Howze’s Perry Traditional Academy walkout after the Rodney King verdict. Wow…talk about flashbacks. Anywho, back to sex and how to do it right.
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Liz Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 1:49 am
LOL yeah I’m on the West Coast, watching the Riots episodes LOL. I was 10 when the riots happened….which now thinking about my having a crush on Dwayne Wayne when I was 10 is hilarious to me LOL.
Miss Patterson Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 2:09 am
uh…let’s just say when this episode aired i wasn’t 10. More like *cough, cough* 17 and still a virgin. damn, i’m old… Champ, I’m a little ‘verklempt’, talk amongst yourselves…I’ll give you a topic: Dwayne Wayne is the Black woman’s John Cusack…Think like Chuck Klosterman.
peace, i’m out.
Kitsune Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 2:34 am
Love you Miss Patterson for your “Coffee Talk” reference. Good stuff! I’m watching the marathon too! This is random but I met Glynn Turman @ Fred Segal a few weeks ago. He was quite amorous. Old guys like me.
The Champ Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 10:00 am
“Dwayne Wayne is the Black woman’s John Cusack”
i had no idea dwayne wayne was this popular. i was utterly clueless.
Deviant Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 12:08 pm
“Dwayne Wayne is the Black woman’s John Cusack”
-What?!
John Cusack is every woman’s John Cusack.
Treezy F. Baby Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 1:01 pm
Why the hell does everybody like John Cusack? I just don’t get it.
Vitamin Be Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 2:54 am
I’m looking at Patti and Whitley’s mom go at it… Someone thought it was a great idea to remake 90210… can we get A Different World remake???
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genius khan Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 10:07 am
yeah i saw the promo look like they got the requesite “token black person.” (dude) i think in their last season before they stopped new productions they added a role with Vivica Fox. haven’t we all evolved and want to experience something new and not just remakes of the old shit we did or did not like. i want the heritage of A Different World to stay intact and not sullied with a feeble attempt of cloning. Who wants to see Michael Jordan come back to the league. Not me. Gimme someone/thing new. But if all you have available is warmed over bullshit then i guess YOU will choose the lesser of the evils huh? talk black to me. …or white or whatever the f***.
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Teacia Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 3:41 pm
I don’t know the point, there was no black guy in the original series…be true to ur shyt…lol!!
The Champ Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 10:42 am
btw, tristan wilds (michael from “the wire”) is in that new 90210. i dont know how i feel about this yet. i’m getting verklempt just thinking about it
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genius khan Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 11:21 am
ohh thats who it is huh? hmmm.
Miss Patterson Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 1:03 pm
I love me some Tristan too…I sound like a real cougar saying that out loud, don’t I?
The Champ Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 4:19 pm
“I sound like a real cougar saying that out loud, don’t I?”
…….
genius khan Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 6:27 pm
2 Miss Patterson.
I am cougar hear me purr. you go granny luv.
Miss Patterson Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 6:50 pm
what? but i’m only 32! *doing math in head* but i’m still purring (lol) ok, that’s enuf from me.
Pay very close attention…especially when I start to breathe hard and call you “Daddy”.
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Miss Patterson Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 1:46 am
yes, there are clear signals in the breathing patterns, the pelvis tilts and toe curling. brothas listen to Champ and PAY ATTENTION!!!
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The Champ Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 9:32 am
“listen to Champ”
another t-shirt.
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aja Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 1:53 am
Amen Treezy!!
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Thank you VERY much…. Listening is very important, but sex is way better when ya boo isn’t trying to be Thor the sex god or wow you with how well he remembers the pics in the Kama Sutra. NO EGOS PLEASE!!!!!
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Exactly…PAY ATTENTION!! Don’t ask me if it’s good to me if I’m staring blankly at the ceiling while humming the theme song from Waiting to Exhale…my uneducated guess would be that I’d rather be watching CNN News.
Ooooooh and please check your ego at the door…just cause you made Tasha squeal doesn’t mean that Teacia got the memo. I’m just saying…you may be big to her when to me you’re just…ummm…yeah.
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He has done it again folks!
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Is this a lazy post dressed as a poignant thought? LOL! J/k. We are all tired today and this IS great advice.
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The Champ Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 9:31 am
“Is this a lazy post dressed as a poignant thought?”
its actually a lazy thought dressed up as a poignant post, lol.
seriously though…people tend to make things much more complicated than they need to be. my job is to keep it simple and shit
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Cheryl Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 9:37 am
Right? Now how am I supposed to keep the rest of my day entertaining? It is the end of the month and I have like no work.
We aren’t going to have 300+ comments on this other than 258 variations of some form of co-signage.
*slams fist on desk*
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The Champ Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 9:56 am
“Now how am I supposed to keep the rest of my day entertaining? It is the end of the month and I have like no work.”
two words: office rabbit
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genius khan Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 10:18 am
.sit there and take the F-ing money and shit. at lunch stop by that chick you like in HR, acctg., or customer svc. make a mental note and jack off to her later. blog, long lunch, make a to do list, plan a vacation etc. you know the quintessential corporate jerkin off and they actually pay for this shit too. enjoy.
Cheryl Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 10:26 am
Well – one, I’m a woman, and while I think all women are beautiful – my best friend and I run this company. I’m the accounting manager, as well as the HR department.
I’m sure I could go molest the compliance dept manager, but well he’s the dad of my best friend, he is old and I don’t find him all that attractive.
oh my bad, was the list you provided YOUR to-do list?
Teacia Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 11:33 am
I think this he was thinking aloud on this one…lol!
genius khan Reply:
May 28th, 2008 at 8:46 am
heh heh heh…
genius khan Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 10:20 am
sorry hamp that was for Miss Cheryl. …and that Rabbit is a good idea for her but I’ve seen chix left drained and sleepy tring that cowboy shit at work. going to sleep at work is probably not a good look.
Cheryl Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 10:21 am
No, that will just make me sleep at my desk.
Plus – how am I to explain to my boss’ (mind you my boss and I have been best friends for about 20 years) dad why I’m moaning? He’s like 65 n shit.
Miss Patterson Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 10:58 am
…or office finger.
genius khan Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 10:28 am
well well look who likes a good fght.
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HA!
I thought you’d at least add taking off your socks.
It’s been a long time since I’ve read ya Champ (4 times removed!).
Have never really read Panama (just too danggone long geez!) but am semi committed to rectifying that soon.
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The Champ Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 9:54 am
welcome back and shit
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Deviant Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 11:52 am
Sock are a protective measure. They keep feet warm and ankles safe.
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Teacia Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 12:33 pm
Lol..ankles safe from what??…please tell…lol.
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Deviant Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 2:01 pm
Sharp objects like jagged toenails.
AroundHarlem.com Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 9:34 pm
* wonderin’ what kind of women deviant sleeps with that doesn’t invest in pedicures …… especially when she knows she’s gonna be givin’ it up*
Deviant Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 10:01 pm
The man wears the socks.
**expounding**
“checking the ego” means…
1. stop trying to be “cute” in the sack. you’re not performing, and, sans the hidden camcorder in one of his shoeboxes, nobody is watching. sex is sloppy and messy, and great sex is sloppier and messier than an ohio pig farm. you dont want to get sloppy and messy, dont have sex, because your new hairdo will get sweated out and your french manicured toes will get spit and came on.
2. no holding back. no “you know what, i’ll let him hit today, but he’s not getting any head” or “yea, i’ll suck him off, but for only 117 seconds” or “i’m only gonna cum once”. as funny as this sounds, there are women who actually do this. some are probably reading this right now, holding their wack sex having heads in shame.
the bedroom isn’t a place to be pretentious or to further your fight for women’s equality. its hard to be a radical feminist with cum on your nose.
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Kendall Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 10:00 am
LMAO! NOOOOOOOOOOOO COMMENT!
It’s all about control Champ! We likes to feel like we are runnin’ it mayne.
He doesn’t make me c*m… I allow myself to c*m..LMAO!
Back to work!
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The Champ Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 10:02 am
“It’s all about control Champ! We likes to feel like we are runnin’ it mayne.”
lol, someone obviously has to re-read part 1 of “the champs comprehensive, omniscient, all-encompassing, and all-inclusive two part guide detailing absolutely everything you need to do to insure that you and your partner will always have the best sex that you all can possibly have.”
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genius khan Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 10:11 am
Advantage Champ. …nail on the head.
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Miss Patterson Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 10:18 am
Champ, you need to give me warning before you write stuff like that. I almost choked on my toothbrush just now. So, I take it that the fellas embrace the ‘ugly sex faces’ on women too? Even if we’re doing it in front of the mirror, let’s say? And just for the record, I’ve never told myself, “I just want to cum once…” What woman in their right mind only wants to cum once? Multiple please…
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The Champ Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 10:32 am
“I almost choked on my toothbrush just now.”
see, choking on phallic symbols is good practice. to paraphrase patrice o’neal, there’s no “cute head”. ugly faces, gagging, crazed stares, jungle moaning…this is all very, very sexy.
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genius khan Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 10:57 am
LOL yo saw this dude live with a bunch of red state white folks and women in the room and they were mortified. the girl i was wtih wasn’t getting it either. i was falling on the floor laughing. so it bacame like a conversation between me and Patrice Oneal. Call and response. aww that shit was funny. i mean this dude does not mind offending the senses or people. he will find a sore spot and wear it the fuck out. i dont take the shit personally hell i came to laugh. if you cant laugh at urself then u should see a shrink or get some nookie or something wit ya uptight ass.
The Champ Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 11:19 am
i’m still very upset that i missed him when he came to the burgh a couple weekends ago. theres only four comedians i’d pay money to go see…patrice o’neal, chris rock, bill burr, and paul mooney
genius khan Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 6:23 pm
i gotta check on this bill burr dude. maybe i know him but just not by name. but if he’s on par with the rest of your list then hes gotta be killa. paul mooney is underrated and a veteran. most people may know him as Negrodamus most recently on the Dave Chappelle show, but this cat goes way way back.
Miss Patterson Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 11:01 am
“see, choking on phallic symbols is good practice.”
gotta luv ya Champ. I’ll keep all of this in mind.
miss t-lee Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 10:44 am
This is truth. You can’t be cute when trying to get things done, right.
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ndenise Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 1:02 pm
On the contrary, I think it is totally compatible with feminism to rock with a lil cum on your nose (if that’s what you’re into).
I’m quite able to be a strong woman with principles and advance the cause of feminism/womanism without clinging to sexual inhibitions or archaic notions of a woman’s place in the bedroom.
Gender equality means we can get smutty too!
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The Champ Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 1:48 pm
“I’m quite able to be a strong woman with principles and advance the cause of feminism/womanism without clinging to sexual inhibitions or archaic notions of a woman’s place in the bedroom.”
this is great in theory, but how many women actually are able to do this?
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AroundHarlem.com Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 9:39 pm
“this is great in theory, but how many women actually are able to do this?”
Women don’t have a problem with this, it’s men that do.
Miss Patterson Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 2:15 pm
@ NDenise- I’ve never thought of a woman’s inhibitions in terms of feminism before but I hear what you’re saying. Honestly, I think we (women) learn this shit from tv and soft porn. Our attempt to be coy, pretty, sexy, irresistible, and with limited perspiration all the while getting it doggy style against the kitchen table is all Spike Lee and Jenny Jameson’s fault. On a serious note, until we (women) learn to talk to our partners about what they (men)really like…we’re just playing out a fake role that has been pumped into our brains since we were kids.
@ Champ – “this is great in theory, but how many women actually are able to do this?”
Not a whole lot.
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Xquizzyt1 Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 1:34 pm
I hate you Champ. I really do. I’m not feeling well today so I won’t say anything slick or attempt to be funny, but the hidden camera in the shoebox finally spurred my fingers to type. *sigh*
See!!! I swear to you, I used to be soooo vigilant about there being NO recordings of me, I would check closets, piles of clothes, whatever, and make sure there were no cameras. I even went through a brief period where I would not have sex at the dude’s house, only at my own (or in public… but ahem… I digress), for fear of there being a hidden camera of some sort. I hate men. ROFLMAO
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Monk Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 6:50 pm
@ Champ: TABERNACKLE!!
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I hope you kats are paying attention. Pull up a seat and take some notes.
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Chamo thats a great start but then what?
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The Champ Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 10:22 am
“Chamo thats a great start but then what?”
There is no “then what”. Everything you need to know is in the first two parts.
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genius khan Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 10:49 am
i hear ya Champ but ahhhh. its great for a start. its like a player being loose before a game and not tight. …but shit we got three more quarters to play and coaching is going to come into play, hell it might even come all the way down to the waterboy. …or its like making a cake; for a good one you gotta have flour, baking powder etc. (unless you KNOW that you have self rising flour)but after that is where shit takes a turn. what i’m saying is there is no right or wrong when it comes to personal tastes. its all subjective. like everything else sex is mental. maybe some person gets off because a person brings ego to the sack. maybe thats the challenge that gets their blood boiling. somebody may be turned on that they have a pretentious prude in bed or a jackass with a big ego. ive seen stranger things. this observation hwever is not to negate the wisdom of ur words. there is much to be gleened from your assertions and nine times out of ten is an excellent approach to sex generally speaking.
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The Champ Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 11:24 am
the no ego part speaks more about having an open mind, and being willing to do what it takes (within reason, of course. regardless of how much a chick might want to, there will be no gerbiling with the champ) to please your mate. basically, find out what turns you both on, and do that shit.
So you’re saying the boudoir is not the place to have a power trip?
I thought dudes love a ‘take charge in control’ woman?
hahaha
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The Champ Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 10:27 am
“I thought dudes love a ‘take charge in control’ woman?”
some dudes do, some dudes don’t. point being…don’t assume shit. read and react.
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Teacia Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 11:53 am
But what if a negro is just lazy…I have met many a lazy man in bed, want you to do all the work…all of the time. Is this one of those instances where u should just cut your losses, or should there actually be a conversation about a negro putting in a little work…I mean at this age is it really necessary.
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The Champ Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 12:17 pm
“I mean at this age is it really necessary”
if by “this age” you mean 80-plus, than yeah…maybe its past the conversation point.
other than that, you’re never too old to improve.
admittedly though, after a while, theres no use in continually beating a dead horse. some people are just impervious to improvement
**more expounding**
“paying attention” means…
1. if he’s making a face that looks like he’s witnessing a horse circumsion ceremony while you’re showing him that “genius” head technique you learned while watching italia blue in “ghetto booty 14″, then maybe its time to retire that move.
2. that “odd coincidence” that seems to occur when you call him a certain name (example: “daddy”, “poppi”, “deebo”, “shaft in africa”) and he magically gets into that “magic stick sex zone”, ummmm, isn’t a coincidence. the more excited you get, the more you let us know that we’re putting it down, the more excited we’ll get and the more effort we’ll put into putting it down even further. its the beautiful cycle of coitus.
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miss t-lee Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 10:39 am
Sorry…I ain’t calling a kat Daddy. I have one…he’s my Father.
I find that eye contact and a gov’t name now and then, does the trick quite nicely.
Don’t ask how I know.
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The Champ Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 10:43 am
“I find that eye contact and a gov’t name now and then, does the trick quite nicely.”
whatever works
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AkShone Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 11:44 am
*Sorry…I ain’t calling a kat Daddy. I have one…he’s my Father.*
I totally agree on this…I’ve never liked women to call me “Daddy”…there is just something creepy about that. Ironically, if the woman is of latin decent…”Papi” actually is a turn-on to me, but I guess I’m weird like that.
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Teacia Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 11:50 am
That’s b/c everytime you see or hear one of them saying it, it’s meant in a sexual conotation…not so much for Daddy…lol.
AkShone Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 12:42 pm
True…very true. Going back to the “daddy” thing…I had to have that conversation with a lady I was seeing. I’ve never been shy when talking about sex, but this was new ground for me and I just had to tell her that it wasn’t sexy. What was worse…she was older than me which just made it weird and her “real” daddy never was in her life, so now this was bordering uncanny.
Miss Patterson Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 10:47 am
Ok, Champ I got a question for you…is talking dirty a requirement or at least a preference for most men? It seems that some men can’t get off if their woman isn’t being loud/vocal/moaning enuf. Sometimes the talking dirty thing becomes a part of that whole ego thing, don’t you agree? I know you were just using that as example of ‘paying attention’ but honestly how many erection provoking shout outs does a woman need to groan out in order to ensure her man knows she’s getting off and in turn gets him off? Don’t you think talking dirty should just come naturally?
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miss t-lee Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 10:50 am
I appreciate the fine art of talking dirty.
If you know what you’re doing. It’s a fine line though.
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The Champ Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 11:15 am
“is talking dirty a requirement or at least a preference for most men?”
talking dirty isn’t, but being with someone who enjoys sex and is unpretentious about it is.
you know, ladies, “checking the ego” and “unpretentious” also means letting us know. there’s nothing worse than a woman so caught up in herself that she refuses to give any type of hints or clues about what she likes. if the sex is wack, instead of bitching about it to your girls, let him know what he could be doing to make it better.
i never understood the state of mind that allows some people to have sex with somebody, but be completely unwilling to talk about it with them
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Deviant Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 11:42 am
“i never understood the state of mind that allows some people to have sex with somebody, but be completely unwilling to talk about it with them”
Me either.
You shouldn’t do anything you can’t say out loud.
Teacia Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 11:48 am
Well I don’t know about that…I’ve done a lot of shit that I dare not utter a word about…EVER…lol.
And I hate the talking dirty IF you expect me to respond…I’ll let you get your rocks off by saying whatever you like, but I am not trying to have a 3 part sexual conversation, it just ruins it for me.
Xquizzyt1 Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 1:42 pm
“I never understood the state of mind that allows some people to have sex with somebody, but be completely unwilling to talk about it with them”
Hmm… as an extremely outspoken woman, I’ve never understood that either. Anything I can do, I can damn sure say… with a straight face… without blushing… while looking one dead in the eyes.
However, to clarify on the “instead of bitching to your girls…” comment… umm… sometimes it’s not worth it. Sometimes we don’t want you to get better… we just want you to go away. Now, if we are still dealing with you AFTER bitching to our girls… well then, yes, I would say you’re right, then help dude understand through word and deed what is lacking. But most times, if I’m complaining about you to my girl(s) there is no need for conversation or tutelage, because, as a famous real-estate developer said a few times, “You’re fired.”
The Champ Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 1:51 pm
“Sometimes we don’t want you to get better… we just want you to go away”
this made me choke on my pancakes and fries
Treezy F. Baby Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 12:09 pm
This is my favorite aspect of sex. This is also the reason why I like watching sports and playing spades soooo I hate it when my dude doesn’t talk ish too. BUT I had an epiphany. I know he enjoys hearing me talk shit and ONCE he’s ready to bust it baby that’s when he’ll join in verbal intercourse with me. I forgot men gotta concentrate extra hard to make it to the finish line (recalling the Champ’s first time, LOL). So, in light of things, I’d rather him shut up and drive LOL.
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OH! OH! OH!
But seriously, I swear my control technique works…it makes him try harder – if I say I’m one and done …dude BRINGS it! I like to think that I am helping him help me – hahahahahaha
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The Champ Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 10:35 am
“I like to think that I am helping him help me”
team work is a good thing.
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Trudy Reply:
May 29th, 2008 at 10:09 pm
“team work makes the dream work”
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Hmmm. ****Tapping Pointer Finger on chin.
And here I was just paying their bills…..
Thanks VSB!!!
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The Champ Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 11:37 am
no problem, bella, we’re here to help
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***more expounding***
watch this if you can.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=7pB-4avmAR0
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Kendall Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 10:44 am
Is this one of “those” vids Champ?
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Ana B Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 10:46 am
Is this appropriate material for work?
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The Champ Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 10:53 am
yea, if you have headphones.
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Teacia Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 11:46 am
for some odd reason I didn’t find this video funny…maybe it’s b/c i’m in work mode…nope that isn’t it b/c i ain’t doing shyt but reading VSB…oh well.
genius khan Reply:
May 28th, 2008 at 8:53 am
interesting, a lot of women at the show i went to did not laugh-a-lot either. hmmmm.
Miss Patterson Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 10:56 am
F*CKING HILARIOUS yeh. uh. thank God I was getting dressed for work and not yet in the office. “You gotta be a $15 hooker” …Brilliant. Well, I guess that answers all of my questions.
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Monk Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 7:13 pm
Classic!!
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A.J.|3rd Coast Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 8:39 pm
OMG…d@@@@@@mmmnnn, Champ!
That was TOTALLY out of order. I just spit a late day cup of coffee on my monitor laughing at that s#*%. Thanks for saving an otherwise hectic day at the J-O-B. Holla!
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Guys…if a chick is giving you the blank stare, you’re not doing it correctly. If you’re getting no feedback, no noise, you’re not doing it correctly. Don’t just keep going neither, because you will get talked about, badly.
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Teacia Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 11:45 am
Ok, I had one of these sparing sessions with a friend last night…lol. I hate to have to deliver bad news about the fellas…if only they would just pay attention.
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miss t-lee Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 1:56 pm
Chuuch!
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The Champ Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 11:55 am
“Guys…if a chick is giving you the blank stare, you’re not doing it correctly. If you’re getting no feedback, no noise, you’re not doing it correctly. Don’t just keep going neither, because you will get talked about, badly”
i’ve heard women refer to this before, the “laying silent” thing, and i’ve always wondered…why lay there and continue to have wack sex? why not just stop it then and there, and offer some constructive criticism?
i mean shit, if a chick’s giving me awful and painful head, theres no way in hell i’m gonna lay back and just “take it”. she will know, and i’ll be very kind, but very explicit with my “concerns”.
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Treezy F. Baby Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 12:16 pm
Yeah I can’t just sit there and take the irregularly syncopated jabs and not say something: I’m not a masochist. The one dude who I had bad sex with I, regretfully, tried it with again THIS TIME ready to guide him along. Too bad he had no comprehension of Champ’s #1 rule and told me that he didn’t like his “woman to talk too much.” What a chauvinistic, tri-lingual, piano playing, pediatric surgeon, bad dick bastard. IOW, just a waste, a WASTE! Also, is it me or the one’s with the biggest egos are the ones who are the worst in bed?
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The Champ Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 1:53 pm
“What a chauvinistic, tri-lingual, piano playing, pediatric surgeon, bad dick bastard”
this is either the best or the worst insult i’ve ever heard
Teacia Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 3:43 pm
Amen to that one…lol!!!
miss t-lee Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 1:43 pm
Champ…he didn’t get invited back. I actually stopped him mid-stroke and told him this wasn’t working.
I don’t believe in faking anything to save a dude’e ego. If you’re wack, you’re wack. I don’t offer tutorials or lessons.
You should already know what you’re doing if
you’ve been invited to my place.
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Miss Patterson Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 2:26 pm
dayemmmmm. we got the mid-stroke firing squad over here!!! cold as ice! LOL. Seriously I guess I could only ‘fire’ someone if I was completely turned off by them sexually —it would have to be really really bad to get to that level. But as long as it’s not pain we’re talking about here and it’s just an issue of him not hittin’ the spot right then i’ll just get on top, that usually works.
Teacia Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 3:45 pm
To some extent…sometimes the dick just isn’t enough.
Teacia Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 3:44 pm
Ooooh, I’ve done the mid-stroke thing and recently too…I actually even got up and left.
Who has the time for such lunacy and madness…lol.
Ana B Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 7:02 pm
I did the mid stroke thing too… I told dude, “are you serious, I’m done.” I got up and told him to go
Xquizzyt1 Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 1:53 pm
Hmmm… I think you should read my comment above. Please believe that one can be fired mid-stroke. There is no HR meeting, no union delegate has to be present. Yeah one wrong word/move/smell/sight/sound and it’s all done. Your work here is through. And at that point, a woman could clearly go to Celie mode and just lie there and wait for him to be finished “his business.” LOL
But I’m all for communication when it’s warranted. I for one, have definitely reached down, lifted a dude’s chin and looked sweetly in his eyes and said, “That’s quite enough…”
So one should definitely not subject themselves to pain whether mental or physical… but I also understand the path of least resistance method of rolling your eyes through it until it’s done when the situation is not drastic.
However, in the most serious cases, things end immediately and dude is escorted out by security. LOL
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miss t-lee Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 1:58 pm
I gave him the whole “I think we’re moving too fast” speech. This was after I sat in my bathroom for 15 minutes trying to figure out a way to let him down easy…lol
Teacia Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 3:46 pm
awww, you’re kind hearted. a simple “stop it, get off of me…yeah i’m feeling this all that much” should be more than enough.
miss t-lee Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 4:33 pm
I just didn’t wanna ruin him for life. Nahmean, I really wanted to tell him…you fuccin’ suck!!!! But I didn’t wanna be a complete byatch. So, I let him down easy…lol
Monk Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 7:17 pm
“Too much teeth”…I’ve said that on numerous times…
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Deviant Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 11:57 am
“Guys…if a chick is giving you the blank stare, you’re not doing it correctly. If you’re getting no feedback, no noise, you’re not doing it correctly. Don’t just keep going neither, because you will get talked about, badly.”
- Question: How do you get this far?
I’ve yet to meet somebody that gives great make-out but doesn’t deliver in the bedroom. There has to be some indication that maybe they don’t know what the fuck they’re doing… Is there some type of unspoken rule that once you start you have to finish out of pity or obligation.
Can’t I just get dressed and say thanks but no thanks?
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Teacia Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 12:00 pm
Hell yeah, I have and was the better for it. Yeah, you may crush his ego for a minute but seriously why even bother to continue with boring and lack luster sex.
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Deviant Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 12:04 pm
I’m talking about before you even get to the sex.
Just the kissing and touching. You can usually tell beforehand, so why get all the way naked?
Teacia Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 12:36 pm
I disagree with that one…sometimes there’s a lot of build up energy and the kissing and touching in unreal and get in the bed and there’s nothing…my girls and I just chatted about this last weekend.
She met a guy who is “perfect” for her…they dated for a minute, the kissing and touching was insane according to her and when it was time for the sex…nothing.
And some guys aren’t great kissers and fumble with their hands a little but once they get into their sexual groove it’s a wrap…all bets are off…just the way I like them…he he he.
Miss Patterson Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 1:21 pm
I’ve had this happen to me before and it seems utterly incongruent. It’s seems like if you’re enjoying great a foreplay/ kissing/heavy petting session then sex should be just as fluid. I think it comes down to the EGO thing, some folks just ‘nut up’ when they get totally naked. They get shy, inhibited, and lose all ability to pay attention once their fear gets in the way. Again, why paying attention is very important even before sex…one should be able to tell if their partner is ready and willing to go to the next level. Which brings me to…what happened to just making out, just for the sake of it? I say we bring it back.
Kendall Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 1:39 pm
eh…there is that point of no return that once you cross it, there is NO turning back. I was never one to pump the brakes so to speak.
Hmmm just realized that I may have been ‘ez does it’ …hmmmmmm! explains a lot!
Teacia Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 3:47 pm
Girl we’ve all carried around the easy button a time or four.
miss t-lee Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 1:50 pm
It got that far because I was curious.
You know what they say about curiousity.
Plus it’s not every day you see a “footer” live and in the flesh. If ya catch my drift.
Next time, I’ll take a pass.
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Deviant Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 2:07 pm
“Plus it’s not every day you see a “footer” live and in the flesh.”
-you let the big dick throw you off guard.
miss t-lee Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 2:14 pm
Yes I did.
NEVER AGAIN!!!!!
(sidebar: It was a shame, a guy who was that blessed, didn’t know what he was doing.)
le sigh.
Teacia Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 2:46 pm
I know a few hung low fellas like that…in those situations you HAVE to take charge…just tell to lay back and take the wheel…lol.
Miss Patterson Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 2:33 pm
12 inches, for realz?
miss t-lee Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 2:36 pm
Yep Miss Patterson, no joke.
I just haaaaa to do it.
I coulda had a V-8.
::laughs::
Shine Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 3:03 pm
Yea, girl I know what you mean. But my situation wasn’t bad, it was just unfortunately public. Sometimes, you just have to say you rode the train. Can’t just let opportunity pass you by.
Miss Patterson Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 3:18 pm
*still in shock* i just pulled out a ruler to look at 12 inches…my legs are locked and i can’t stop wincing.
Teacia Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 3:20 pm
“I coulda had a V-8.”
Still the best brush off line of history~
miss t-lee Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 4:59 pm
Miss Patterson, it’s not that bad, trust me.
Unless, the guy doesn’t know what he’s doing…then it’s bad. I’m not talking about pain neither.
Just a waste of your time bad.
GOODENess Reply:
May 28th, 2008 at 5:57 pm
DAMN I hate I was off yesterday!! I swehduhgawt I have been misled by the man meat on a few occasions…but if he’s got the right “equipment” I can show him how to use it right! OMG I can show him!
AroundHarlem.com Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 9:52 pm
- Question: How do you get this far?
I’ve yet to meet somebody that gives great make-out but doesn’t deliver in the bedroom.
===
My thoughts exactly.
Stopping mid-stroke seems kind of cruel …. LOL
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miss t-lee Reply:
May 28th, 2008 at 8:40 am
It’s kinda cruel to waste my time. Knowing the dude is gonna get his, but you’re definitely not gonna get yours.
Now that’s cruel, my friend.
Champ
Good, albeit concise, post. I think some VSB readers really need to here this. Especially #1. When you’re naked with another person about to exchange bodily fluids, you should be open. Interpret that as you will.
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The Champ Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 1:54 pm
thanks and shit
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since we’re all being grown ups..I have a grown up question…how do u get past the gag reflex?
to me its not enjoyable to give my man head and choke myself..any suggestions?
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Teacia Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 1:16 pm
well i have two suggestions…they have this gel called, “good head”…it comes in assorted flavors and u can get it from your local adult store…it numbs your throat and is the easiet way.
if you want a more natural approach, all you have to do is relax, seriously relax your throat, when you start thinking about it it tightens up…that’s all i got for you lady…good luck.
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Bella Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 1:24 pm
I personally heard of women who practiced on deep throating bottles of henny…now I dont know from personal experience if that works. But Im sure that the bottle doesnt care if you gag and you get good practice. Again…Ive heard this somewhere before. NOT Speaking on my own behalf…
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Teacia Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 1:46 pm
Woooow, deep throating a bottle of Hen…lol, now that’s some good advice.
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genius khan Reply:
May 28th, 2008 at 9:08 am
call the “Throat Whisperer.” he rehabilitates throats and trains women.
1-800-get-deep
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miss t-lee Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 1:41 pm
Teacia gave some good advice.
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Teacia Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 1:47 pm
Thanks chic…I like to believe I got my head game on lock…yep I’m really going to post this statement on the world wide web…lol.
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miss t-lee Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 1:48 pm
Proper head game is a skill. You can’t teach that in school.
I’m proud of mine as well.
The Champ Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 1:55 pm
“Proper head game is a skill. You can’t teach that in school.”
lol…theres maybe a dozen or so women i knew in college who tried their very best to convince me otherwise
Miss Patterson Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 2:31 pm
a dozen, you say?
Teacia Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 2:44 pm
WOW…Champ’s got a dirty dozen…lol
The Champ Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 2:49 pm
lol…it was such a long time ago, and my memory is hazy. it could have been nine, it could have been a dozen, shit, it could have been one chick with 12 different hairdos. who knows? i sure as hell don’t
Treezy F. Baby Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 4:03 pm
Ummmm is deep throat a requirement to have “good head game” cause if so I will stay perfectly contented with having “wack head game.”
Teacia Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 4:10 pm
nope…a combination of deep throat(or the lack of gagging), lots of spit and some light stroking…lol.
The Champ Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 4:32 pm
“Ummmm is deep throat a requirement to have “good head game” cause if so I will stay perfectly contented with having “wack head game.””
nah. great head is equal parts wetness (tongue + spit), strokage (hands, lips, and tongue), and enthusaism
GOODENess Reply:
May 28th, 2008 at 6:00 pm
inhale as you take it in…like smoking…also…practice building up your gag relfex with a cucumber…a bomb pop…something edible and phallic…there are also numbing creams/gels that you can use…but you have to apply them to the back of your throat for them to work…and if you could apply shit to the back of your throat…you wouldn’t need the damn cream, now would you!?
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@teacia; I think your right it maybe more mental then anything else. I don’t have a boo worthy of some head right now..but I can practice for future endeavors..lol
ps..@ bella..henny bottle? home girl was a trooper..I was just gonna practice with my toy..lol
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That’s it???
I expected more from you kiddo. Take me back to the d.young days! *crosses fingers*
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The Champ Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 4:24 pm
“That’s it???”
yup. with this topic, there’s nothing else that i can say that will always be applicable.
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I squirted once. I cried after because it scared me. It’s not my favorite encounter (that would be this one time with my “current” when we made slow love and he stayed on my spot for 20 minutes until he was ready to make me cum), just the one that stands out
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The Champ Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 8:19 pm
“I squirted once. I cried after because it scared me.”
thats beautiful
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Teacia Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 9:30 pm
“I squirted once. I cried after because it scared me.”
lol…yeah we’re officially past PG-13…and at least ur guy didn’t insist that you peed on him…niggas!
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miss t-lee Reply:
May 28th, 2008 at 8:41 am
That woulda scared me too. Daaang!!!
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Damn…I was just about to talk about what exactly is good head, but I remembered this is a PG site…
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Deviant Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 7:44 pm
It’s PG?
When did that happen?
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The Champ Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 8:18 pm
its pg-13…in theory.
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Miss Patters Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 9:18 pm
today might have qualified for an NC-17 rating.
Teacia Reply:
May 27th, 2008 at 9:31 pm
yeah NC-17 definitely…
I was off yesterday and missed this…but I have to agree…hooked on VSB worked for me!
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