several months ago, i decided to bless the vsb pulpit with my comprehensive, omniscient, all-encompassing, and all-inclusive two part guide detailing absolutely everything you need to do to insure that you will always have the best sex that you can possibly have, a lengthy and voluminous fourteen word manual intricately describing how to have the best sex you’ll ever imagine:
part one: check your ego at the door.
part two: pay attention.
the end
although this genius entry was clearly a masterpiece of panoramic proportions, i’ve decided to expound a bit today just to give the mouth-breathers a chance to join in the fun.
“checking your ego” means…
1. no sack “cuteness” or or pseudo p*rn star posturing. you’re not performing, and, sans the camcorder hidden in a closet shoebox, nobody is watching. sex is sloppy and messy, and great sex is sloppier and messier than an ohio pig farm. if you dont want to get sloppy and messy, dont have sex, because your new do will get sweated out, your fresh waves will be mesh caves, and your french manicured toes will get spit and came on.
2. no holding back. no “you know what, i’ll let him hit today, but he’s not getting any head” or “yea, i guess i’ll go down there, but only for a quarter lick” or “i’m only gonna c*m once. he hasn’t earned two o’s yet”.
as funny as this sounds, there are people who actually do this. some are probably reading this right now, holding their wack sex having heads in shame. bastards. again, if you’re gonna have sex…have sex. there’s no shame in not having it…just in intentionally making it wack
ladies, the bedroom isn’t a place to further your fight for women’s equality. its really not that serious. plus, its hard to be a rad fem with c*m on your nose.
also, fellas, from what i’ve heard some backs aren’t immediately breakable. have a plan b. basically, if the corner 3 aint hitting, get your ass to the hoop.
“paying attention” means…
1. if your lover is making a face that looks like they’re witnessing a horse circumcision ceremony while you’re showing them that “genius” head technique you learned while watching “ghetto booty 27″, then maybe its time to retire that move. consider it.
2. that odd “magic monkey zone” coincidence that seems to occur when you whisper a certain something in her ear or call him a certain name (i’m partial to “shaft in africa”, just in case ya’ll were wondering), ummmm…isn’t a coincidence. whatever you’re doing…its working. keep doing it. pay attention, assh*le.
so, people of vsb, am i right (again) or am i right?
—the champ
Related posts:
- the champs comprehensive, omniscient, all-encompassing, and all-inclusive two part guide detailing absolutely everything you need to do to insure that you will always have the best sex that you can possibly have
- the verysmart guide to 21st century chivalry
- 7 things about sex that really kind of suck
- 12 things about sex i’ve learned since becoming an adult
- the vsb do’s and dont’s of making a sex tape
{ 251 comments… read them below or add one }
2 words: you’re right.
*she reminisces over him*
… that is all…
@Jay_Delicious,
this is more than two words. its at least five times more than two words
@The Champ,
this is true… but he’s oh-so-good
Hey I’m second! Cool!
*****co-signing #1******
If you get into bed trying to be cute and want to leave the bed cute, you’ve missed the entire point of getting into the bed in the first place. You oughta get in there prepared for a twelve-round heavy-weight bout. (Unless you’re sneaking one in at lunchtime.)
@Madame Zenobia, I concur! The bedroom is not the place to be looking cute.
@Madame Zenobia, or if your worried about messing your hair up, get on top!!! stays perfectly in tact cause I mean sometimes you want it but you got somewhere to go the next day…im just sayin
@shay_d_lady,
“Get on top…sometimes you got somewhere to go the next day.”
I love it! Excellent point!
@Madame Zenobia,
True. If you are not sweating, out of breath and have minor aches and pains during the deed, then you need to try harder.
@ofloveandotherdemons,
Exactly….my favorite is when things have ended and you need to get out of bed to go grab a glass of water or something but you’re afraid to do it because you’re not sure whether or not you’ll be able to stand up….
…but during, yeah, you should be working hard even to make Billy Blanks say “Damn.” And at no point should your mind be wandering off to other things like “Do I want toast or a bagel for breakfast.”
@Madame Zenobia,
well, i mean, if your mind is able to wander then maybe you should just call it quits for the night…gone to the kitchen and pack your lunch for the next day and such.
@Madame Zenobia,
I’ve often thought about what I’m going to cook for dinner the next day hahahahaha.
@mssmtaylor, LOL one time my husband asked me “where are you?”
@ofloveandotherdemons,
Yoooooo, One time I had like major lower back problems for days after .I couldn’t walk. I thought I was gonna have to go to the ER, which would have been,like, embarrassing.
TMI? eh.
@Rita, GIIIIIIRL!
Last year…well, my man and I were having somewhat of a mini marathon. I’ll just say on the 7th day, I couldn’t walk or leave the crib and started experiencing some seeeeerious discomfort.*
…gave a new meaning to the phrase “knock it out”…lol
*FYI- don’t have relations leaning over the back of a couch…Great access can = great pain…
@Madame Zenobia,
The Dream has a song on his new album called “Sweat It Out”………it’s bound to happen if it’s done right….and if it doesn’t happen, something is clearly not right!!
)
@This Just In,
I was just listening to that!!!
Good song.
“its hard to be a rad fem with c*m on your nose”
This should be a t-shirt lol…
@Leila, i’m only gonna c*m once. he hasn’t earned two o’s yet”.
There are women who purposely hold back on the o’s???
I was thinking that too.. I am all about trying to get as many as I can..like how is that teaching him? I am not about any punishment that also punishes me as well..but ur uh say Im a prude or whatever keep your man juices to yaself…on the nose? NO, Sir ree or bob….
@shay_d_lady,
honestly, talk about cutting off your nose to spite your face!
@shatani, i need you to sit down. you are in rare form today lol.
@Leila,
I love the potential t-shirt. can you start a column on the right for that please. i still remember the two previous ones you champ approved. i somehow remember useless info like you wouldn’t believe.
@lulu,
I love the potential t-shirt. can you start a column on the right for that please. i still remember the two previous ones you champ approved. i somehow remember useless info like you wouldn’t believe
many eons ago, we actually compiled a list of the best t-shirt quotes, and had planned to print and sell them.
what happened next is still too difficult to discuss
@The Champ,
“many eons ago, we actually compiled a list of the best t-shirt quotes, and had planned to print and sell them.
what happened next is still too difficult to discuss”
***whispering*** What happened??? You can tell me….
@nia,
no i can’t. trust me
@The Champ,
um…t-shirt shop owner, hollaaa!
anyway, i agree with “pay attention.” and i would like to add: “remember.” because i should not have to tell you more than once that that sh*t hurts. Thanks.
I’ll print the shirts
Okay!
I think Bajanflchick likes hers
We’ll have to ask
@Leila,
“its hard to be a rad fem with c*m on your nose”
This should be a t-shirt lol…”
it is. i’m wearing it right now
@The Champ, HAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
@Leila,
I’d rock this t-shirt
I dont know if you are right…. but I do know you are a dayum fool…
That’s the word. You have to go for the gold and sh*t. If you don’t everything else is rendered pointless because some of these “wackarnolds” brothers out here aren’t getting to the orgasm finish line when they try to be good in bed.
Solution? Try to be the BEST in bed every time all the time. “Shoot for the stars, miss and land on a cloud” ect.
P.S. Delicious I swear, no need to reminisce…im really not as good as you say…lol…
@ESQuared,
i believe that I’ve had ample experience to judge fairly ad accurately… but by all means continue your ego checks, they look cute, on you Daddy.
@Jay_Delicious,
Vsb: where e-flirting looks awfully close to real-life flirting.
Is there something y’all need to tell us?
@Ms. Sula, ummm, no not at all? We just get together and have a good time with “the body movin and the crush groovin”…
(Shouts to J-Dilla)
@Ms. Sula,
well there is this thing he does with his tongue…
…I think u’re right. The best sex is always clammy and ugly…and fabulous.
I think folks hold back, though, due to some level of insecurity in the relationship. In my experience, that means it’s too soon or I’m not interested enough in him to put in the work. So, I suppose “pay[ing] attention” should also apply to evaluating your true feelings about a person before you put yourself in a situation that ends in wack sex.
@Resident GRitS,
I think folks hold back, though, due to some level of insecurity in the relationship. In my experience, that means it’s too soon or I’m not interested enough in him to put in the work.
I blame Hollywood and Pron too. All those meet-cute Rom.Com have ppl doing the deed with nary a sweat bead in site. Pron, on the other hand, is just sheer ridicoulsness in terms of technique, positions, whatever the el goes on in there. Seriously, ppl pron is not a manual for doing the deed. Don’t consult any adult flicks for any show and tell tricks in the bedroom. If you must though, please run them by your partner before attempting them. I’m just saying. It’s not cool to shove anyone’s head down anywhere. Boooo!!!! Warnings must be given.
@ofloveandotherdemons,
…point taken, but I was kind of going in a different direction.
@ofloveandotherdemons,
Seriously, ppl pron is not a manual for doing the deed
blasphemy!!!!!!!!!
@The Champ,
I agree. Skin Flix can be educational.
@ofloveandotherdemons,
What?! I get some of my best ideas from pronology. It’s best to practice your techniques and move slowly into them, esp. if you risk injury to yourself or loved one.
@Me fail english?, Watching it for educational purposes is like buying a pair of shoes. You get what fits you and for the purpose in which you need it. Why am I still responding to this blog. Today is not a good day for this topic.
Sincerely,
Randy
@Resident GRitS,
So, I suppose “pay[ing] attention” should also apply to evaluating your true feelings about a person before you put yourself in a situation that ends in wack sex
good point and sh*t
@Resident GRitS,
This comment reminded me of this 1986 hit. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ydp7vh-rH1M
@WuDaMan,
Ha! Good song. I remember it…though I was only 5.
your lover is making a face that looks like their witnessing a horse circumcision ceremony while you’re showing them that “genius” head technique you learned while watching “ghetto booty 27″, then maybe its time to retire that move. consider
OH MY GAWD YES.. P0rn is not a teaching tool!! cut it out..t hat shyt is for the camera not for real life kind of like hip hop clothing in videos…I mean the blowing, liking everywhere but the right place….THE HORRORS…and the worst part…..they always ask….how is that ma? I promise I have had to bit my tongue to keep from kneeing them in the chin…how was that ninja….man Im glad I dont have to deal with that shyt no more…
@shay_d_lady,
It should be used for inspiration, not instruction…lmao
@shay_d_lady,
“they always ask….how is that ma?”
If you have to ask you shouldn’t even be doing it.
@Raqi,
“they always ask….how is that ma?”
If you have to ask you shouldn’t even be doing it.
**putting on devild advocate cap**
i thought being vocal was a good thing and sh*t
@The Champ,
Champ that’s the thing right there. He should hear it and not have to ask…if he is any good at what he is doing.
If there is no sweet melody of carnal pleasure resonating in the air delicately piercing his eardrums, then it’s a flop.
And you know what’s even hotter for me? When he hears my pleasure and takes a second to utter “that’s what I like to hear” and then proceeds to make me moan his praise. That just turns it up another notch.
@Raqi,
“sweet melody of carnal pleasure”
this is actually the working title of my upcoming lp
@Raqi,
…girrrl, I want u to know that I unconsciously moaned aloud while reading this comment.
case. and. point.
@Raqi,
“And you know what’s even hotter for me? When he hears my pleasure and takes a second to utter “that’s what I like to hear” and then proceeds to make me moan his praise. That just turns it up another notch.”
Oh yes. Dirty talk and verbal confirmation are a must (for me). There’s nothing like knowing the exact thing to say to throw you (or your SO) into overdrive.
Champers…must we go through this AGAIN?
p.s.- i’ll be sitting in the corner over here with Goodie & Luvvie waiting for a snarky reply from you. in the meantime, can someone pass the Bailey’s?
@Miss Patterson,
i got baileys with caramel…and a bucket of ice!
@shatani, yummy! caramel? i’m coming over.
@Miss Patterson,
(((hug))) HEY PATTEECAKES!!
I don’t really have a comment for this here post just yet…since most of the fam knows that GOODY GOT’EM CRAZY! there is absolutely no need for me to come up in here showing off this early in the morning…lol
@GOODENess, goodie!! i miss you gurrrl. come out and play!
see…this right here is why they call you The Champ. you are 100% correct.
I can’t stress enough how important it is to pay attention. If it looks like I am bored, confused, annoyed, would rather watch paint dry than continue with what’s going on betwixt my thighs, then you better smack it up, flip it, rub it down, ohnooooo….LMAO!! I crack myself up….I’m going to bed. g’nite
@fabuloussince1982….,
see…this right here is why they call you The Champ
if i had a dollar…
@The Champ, the recession got you too?
*sad face*
@overit,
lmao
@overit,
it did. i havent even eaten a waffle in weeks
Learn to and be comfortable with speaking up…whether it be to let’em know, “oooh yea, i like that” or “hell naw, what r u doing” and always good, “you know what I’ve been wantin to try..”
If you aren’t even comfortable with the idea of talking over what you like, would like, or can’t stand, then there are obvious barriers that might manifest and serve to prevent some bomb a$* shyt from going down…
-and before any smart remarks are thrown my way, I’m not saying to break into a full one man act pre or during the deed…i’m just sayin, being able to talk this type of sh*t over is a good sign..a positive, a things can only improve from here…
be open to new sh*t, you never know what you might like or not like…the true feak in ya might just surprise you…and by new sh*t, get it right, I’m not sayin I’m down to have some unknown, foreign 15 inch play thing revealed, pulled from under a pillow and sh*t, expecting me to be “this seems like a greeeeeeeaaaaat idea!” (but a new toy can be fun & pleasurable)
And for crying out loud, enjoy what your doing…I totally co-sign point 2…if you’re gonna give’em some head, give.it.to.him.good.
and expect no less in return…i hate a greedy mutha…
sh*t should be generous…oh and have some red bull on standby…
@maria,
Oh yes, please be comfortable with your body..this can totally make or break the act…hold you back and make the sh&t whack…this is the time to let-it-go…if you naked…wtf, he has seen it, liked it, and wants you to be freaky
@maria,
be open to new sh*t, you never know what you might like or not like
AMEN!!
@ofloveandotherdemons,
its all fun and games til you find a finger in yo azz….
@shatani,
I AM DEAD!!!
@shatani,
its all fun and games til you find a finger in yo azz….
Lol. That’s not neccessarily a bad thing.
@ofloveandotherdemons,
lolol
@ofloveandotherdemons,
its all fun and games til you find a finger in yo azz….
so basically its like thanksgiving at luvvies?
@The Champ,
LMAO!! how you gonna mess wit luvvie on red pump day?!?!
@The Champ, even though i laughed, that was so wrong Champ.
@ofloveandotherdemons,
Riiiiiiight?
@shatani,
LMAO! Now THAT is a t-shirt I can stand by.
@shatani,
I love it! I’d definitely wear this as a t -shirt.
@shatani,
Yal gone get me kicked out the building today.
@maria, one agreement my marido and I made early in the ‘lationship, he said don’t hesitate to ask for what you want and if he does anything I don’t like don’t hesitate to push his head, hand or member away. He don’t take it personally and neither do I.
@maria,
Preach!
@maria,
lol…damn maria. seems like you had alot to get off your chest
a lengthy and voluminous fourteen word manual intricately
LMAO. You are a d**n fool. I think I love you.
1.) I was lamenting to my friend yesterday that my hymen has pretty much regenerated in the 15month dry spell that I’ve been riding out. This post is a cruel, cruel, cruel taunt.
2.) One of my friend’s described this one night stand he had as the best female theatrical performance that he’d ever witnessed. According to him, the girl pretty much got on top of him, slid in and just flung her hair up and down, side to side; no hip action, no swivel, no up and down, no nothing. She just moved her d**n head. Finally, when the dude switched over to missionary, in attempt to generate some sort of friction, the chick just lay there; dead fish syndrome at its best. Oooh and the most disconcerting thing about the entire experience (according to my friend any way) is that the chick alternated between screaming profanities/vulgar suggestions and absolute, pin drop silence. No in between; there was no moaning, sighs, laughing, or normal conversation, just “eff me, eff me” esque speech and silence.
3.) Lack of inhibitions makes for the best sexual experience. In the bedroom (well, and life in general) I abide by the ‘How do you know you don’t like it if you don’t give it a try at least once?’ school of thought.
4.) Holy Guacomole, I need me some schex. I’m pretty sure I’m experiencing an exponential decline in productivity, good humor and IQ with every passing ‘dry’ month.
@ofloveandotherdemons, i’m LMAO @ your regenerated hymen. why you gotta make me choke on my beer this late in the evening???
@ofloveandotherdemons, good god, your friends experience sounds like a sheer NIGHTMARE!!!! poor man, he must’ve run screaming for the hills when the deed was mercifully done…
@ofloveandotherdemons,
2.) One of my friend’s described this one night stand he had as the best female theatrical performance that he’d ever witnessed. According to him, the girl pretty much got on top of him, slid in and just flung her hair up and down, side to side; no hip action, no swivel, no up and down, no nothing
this is one of the funniest things ive ever heard since this morning
@ofloveandotherdemons,
your friend’s experience is hilarious…unfortunate as he11, but hilarious….
I agree with both points.
I would also like to add:
- Have fun. After all, it should be enjoyable.
And protect yourself!!!
@Right Her, “And protect yourself!!!”
Please, please protect yourself…or wait until marriage. and even then, you may have to protect yourself.
@N.I.A. rocktheredpump….,
yes, girl…its a shame that nowadays marriage aint even good enough protection…
@shatani,
“marriage aint even good enough protection…”
no it’s not…and then you have to admit…you don’t know where that pipe had been laid before it got to you…so even if hubby is keeping it home, sh!t can come back from Spring Break 2006 that neither of you were ready for…
@GOODENess,
well, shoot in my line of work i have seen it all….and what i have seen a lot, is wives springin up with STDs cuz while hubby was sposda be at work, he was in the park trading BJs (and more) with strange men!
there aint no kind of security no more…
@shatani, yay marriage…
@shatani, well, shoot in my line of work i have seen it all….and what i have seen a lot, is wives springin up with STDs cuz while hubby was sposda be at work, he was in the park trading BJs (and more) with strange men!
while this does happen women need to stop using the under cover brotha as an excuse… all these women aint catchin these STD’s from undercover brothers.. you out her being lose and not using protection every single partner aint “the one” and stop using bareback as the new engagement ring…..steps off soap box…..
@shatani,
like i said…im just talking what i see in my line of work. in no way is it representative of the majority of the population.
that said, it is happening….and they arent just catching them from undercover brothas. i just used that as en example…these dudes are catchin std’s from other men, and prostitutes and folks they meet on the internet and people they meet on the public transport….my point wasnt the type of sex as much as the fact that nowadays, being married isnt even secure anymore. whoda thunk that one might still need to be using condoms with their spouse? and not specifically for birth control.
@GOODENess,
you don’t know where that pipe had been laid before it got to you…so even if hubby is keeping it home, sh!t can come back from
Errr… don’t we get tested before getting married?
@Ms. Sula,
Yo some stuff be dormant… Who knew.
@Ms. Sula,
Yo some stuff be dormant… Who knew.?
medical tests can reveal any abnormalities. “dormant” diseases/infections can be detected.
the dampness of the blankets in this thread is ruining my monitor.
@The Champ,
Word.Life.
welp…looks like i just added quarter lick to my personal dictionary and filed it under “daily use”
Let yourself go. Get into that shyt and enjoy it.
Trying new stuff to break the same routine is always good, but you gotta know what you and your partner likes. This is when paying attention BEFORE you even make it to the bedroom comes in.
@Monk,
This is when paying attention BEFORE you even make it to the bedroom comes in
***nodding head***
While there is something to be said (well a lot to be said ) for paying attention.. a lot more can be said for speaking up..in the middle of doing the do is not the time to be playing “guess what Im thinkin” speak up, ask for what you want and let them know what you dont want… I mean it only took a couple of times having a ninja stick his tongue in my ear or dayum near givin me pneumonia blowin all on my private parts and such to just speak and say hey cut that shyt out and steer them in the right direction..
@shay_d_lady, “I mean it only took a couple of times having a ninja stick his tongue in my ear ”
HATE the tongue in the ear. Where in thee he!! are they getting these tips? I had a guy put his mouth over my ear and just suck. I told him I felt like I was going deaf!
@Nicki Sunshine,
LMAO! Never had that happen. I don’t think I’d be able to continue afterwards
@Me fail english?, Luckily we weren’t doing anything (that could’ve made it awkward). Lol
@Nicki Sunshine,
“I had a guy put his mouth over my ear and just suck. I told him I felt like I was going deaf!”
nicki, i quit! i just laughed all hard and loud in the damn library! seriously, it escaped like an errant belch while one is speaking! i had to go ahead and explain to my friend why i was sitting across from her choking on my own laughter!
@Nicki Sunshine,
HATE the tongue in the ear.
Same here. I wonder which girl gave men the impression that ALL women like this crap. Such an epic FAIL.
@Nicki Sunshine,
OMG! i had a dude traumatize me with the whole sucking/slurping my ear… TRAUMATIZED!!!!
till this day i can’t have anyone even try to whisper!
@shay_d_lady, exactly.
The Champ should add in a number 3, “Say what want and how you want it”. I guess it could be a subcategory of “ego checking”
@shay_d_lady, oh yes!! very much, yes!!!! it’s the tongue in the ear nonsense that had me refusing to get out of the cab after i’d eagerly agreed to go home with this ‘friend’ who was about to become ‘more than a friend’.
the cab driver was just laughing and laughing, the guy was trying to coax me out, but the memory of that thick, wet muscle prodding at my unsuspecting ear had killed any desire and tact.
i dumbly shook my head, curled back into the cab and frantically waved at the cabbie to ‘drive, damn you, DRIIIIIVE!!!’
*shudders at the memory*
@superwoman,
i just threw in my mouth a lil bit. gross!!!!!!
/
@This Just In, it was horrid, sweetie.
@superwoman,
wet muscle prodding at my unsuspecting ear had killed any desire and tact.
you owe me 1.99 for the lunch you just ruined
@The Champ, i’ll send it to you in zim dollars, ha ha ha – about a zillion!
*Wishing that sex wasn’t given up for Lent*
Seriously, there is nothing hotter than the room after sex. And if your windows/mirrors/random pieces of glass are not fogged, apparently, you did not have good sex.
I go into the bedroom/car/other area of sex usually with straight hair, and I come out with it spiral curled and pulled.
Yes. I’m vouching for this article.
SMH at Lent.
@chaoticdiva,
what type of chex are you having if “random pieces of glass” are incorporated?
@chaoticdiva,
Ah yes…my SO and I knew we didn’t finish the job if my hair wasn’t a tangled, disheveled mess.
And fogged car windows are my favorite.
You are bringing back memories.
#2 is even moreso important. Some men have thought that when they are “dining in,” if I’m scooting away, it’s because I like it so much and will take it upon themselves to lock my legs in a death grip and pull me even closer.
Au contrare, mon frare, I’m moving back bc u suck or it hurts… If I liked it, I wouldn’t be backing away.
@Nicki Sunshine,
Again why so love being in a ripened relationship. You can pretty tell each other errors of their “ways” and not hurt anyone’s feelings. A mere “hey babe can you pull back a sec?” or “a little to left please sir” and many, many more to be quoted.
@Raqi, Exactly… I’m learning things in my grown age. lol.. Being more vocal is one of them.
@Nicki Sunshine,
lmao, yes…yes and yes, to the “wouldn’t be pulling back”…I don’t wanna move away from something that feels so goooooood
@Nicki Sunshine,
well, shoot i need to get more grown!
Some men have thought that when they are “dining in,” if I’m scooting away, it’s because I like it so much and will take it upon themselves to lock my legs in a death grip and pull me even closer.
Au contrare, mon frare, I’m moving back bc u suck or it hurts… If I liked it, I wouldn’t be backing away.
oh em gee yessss– this has happened to me too!! lmbo wowsers. after being death gripped and pulled closer i’ve had to just say “that ain’t gon work”
I’d also add ‘get it started before you even get home’.
Something as simple as whispering in your date’s ear, nothing too over the top, telling them what you got in mind for later, works wonders. Say it, give ‘em a quick stare and return to your drink. It’ll up the anticipation ante. Foreplay should start early in the evening.
Also, ladies: be limber. I’ve had guy friends tell me their horror stories about their women’s inability to be bended, molded, flipped and turned. Stretch, stretch, stretch. And if you incur a hip injury doing the deed(as I did last fall) don’t tell him…suck it up and tell your friends about it afterward.
@iloVEGrits,
“And if you incur a hip injury doing the deed… don’t tell him…suck it up”
Maybe this is my older age showing but why not tell him? Can you help me understand this?
@Raqi,
I say keep the injury to yourself cuz, if you have a great time you should ocus on that, not the injury. We as women have a tendency to say things like, “Dangit that was crazy good but negro you hurt my hip.”
Do you see how this could ruin the moment?
@iloV.E.Grits, but that does not ruin the feel-good hangover. I have told my marido after the deed that my thigh muscles were tingling so they almost hurt. He found that to be a compliment. And really I meant it to be.
@iloVEGrits,
You’re a No Limit Soldier, cause I am def tellin a ninja about the injury now. Any skin rubbed off raw, snapping sounds or inordinate amounts of blood and the whistle is BLOWN!
@Me fail english?,
“skin rubbed off raw, snapping sounds or inordinate amounts of blood ”
lol. NONE of these = a hip sprain. If ANY of this happens, STOP. lmao.
@iloVEGrits,
***reminding self to sign iloVEGrits up for patron twister at the vsb bbq***
@iloVEGrits, errr…. i don’t know about maintaining a stoic silence about hip injuries, but i have to encourage the limber-ness advice! this is partly why i took up yoga, and it’s worked for me! (other health benefits are also very, very great, for what it’s worth… hee!)
Man there is a lot of good game being talked here. Just want to say :”to thine own self be true”.
I do agree the kind of get down where you only hear grunts and groans is that good good. You have to be a team player. Like a Michael Vick(minus the dog fighting). Got to be able to throw the pass or put you shoulder down and run up the middle.
@Double J,
You have to be a team player. Like a Michael Vick(minus the dog fighting). Got to be able to throw the pass or put you shoulder down and run up the middle.
**sending comment over to the vsb analogy committee to test for approval and relevance**
@The Champ,
I am saying that you have to be versatile in the pocket and to be give in 100% all the time.
@Double J,
Noticed the bad grammar. My bad can’t edit it now though. lol
the second part should read: “……..and to give 100% all of the time”
@Double J,
lol, i thought you went full dyslexic on us
See this is why I like being in a relationship. You are common, comfortable and c*mming with ease. All that cutesy stuff is an affair of yesteryear.
@Raqi,
thats my kind of alliteration.
IDK about #2 and holding back. Sometimes as a man you have to. You can’t run up in every woman like you have just got out of a 5yr bid in prison. Going hard 100% of the time can bring problems.
@Humble_One,
No good for women either. I think most females have some kinda move they can only pull when their heart is all in. Not everything is meant to be done every time you just wanna bust one
@Me fail english?,
Your comment made me think of Erykah Badu. Looking at what happened to the men she has dealt with I don’t think she holds back.
@Humble_One,
“You can’t run up in every woman like you just got out of a 5 year bid.”
Hilarious.
If you’re getting it regularly though – is holding back really an issue?
@Humble_One,
Or maybe it’s a sign that you should only give in when you can go all in?
@Ms. Sula,
thats it, right there….if you dont feel like you wanna go all in, dont go in at all.
Shaft in Africa huh?! *sniggling*
“2. no holding back. no “you know what, i’ll let him hit today, but he’s not getting any head” or “yea, i guess i’ll go down there, but only for a quarter lick” or “i’m only gonna c*m once. he hasn’t earned two o’s yet”.”
*throat punch*
People do this? Really?
So, so sad.
That just goes to show if you’re a selfish MF’er…You really shouldn’t be getting any booty anyway.
@miss t-lee,
Shaft in Africa huh?! *sniggling*
either this or “trouble man”
@The Champ,
I see you like the blaxplotation flicks…lol
My suggestion: Slow the F*ck down.
There is nothing worse than feeling like the other party is rushing like visitation hours are almost over or your momma is coming home any minute.
This may not apply to those of us who prefer the smash and grab. But if you got an SO and y’all are not actually getting in a quickie, what’s the rush?
@Chocolate Girl Wonder,
I agree completely. Unless there is a fire in the building or your boss is about to come back in his office, there is not need to go at it like bunny rabbits.
@Chocolate Girl Wonder, No one likes to be jackhammered.
@Nicki Sunshine,
I’m not referring to ancient rabbit wang fu. I’m talking about the rush to get you all hot and bothered so you can do the do. Like the fun is only going to last for so long.
@Chocolate Girl Wonder, Oh. LMAO. That too!!!! You had me at “ancient rabbit wang fu.”
@Chocolate Girl Wonder, I’m talking about the rush to get you all hot and bothered so you can do the do.
I hate that…rushing does not get me anywhere near hot, but I will definitely be bothered….
@N.I.A. rocktheredpump….,
Bothered is right.
Angry type bothered.
@miss t-lee,
ole throat punching type bothered!
if you dont have the time to spend to warm me up, then dont bother.
@N.I.A. rocktheredpump…., I’m sorry today’s monacre is too distracting. I know it’s for a good cause but dang. We talking about doing the do well. I guess the point is being driven home. Rocking Pumping Driving Home…
@WuDaMan,
LMAO!!! you are too silly…LOL!!
@Nicki Sunshine,
No one likes to be jackhammered.
different strokes…
@The Champ, Ew.. Find me a chick who loves it.
@Nicki Sunshine, I’m not gonna say I don’t like it, but I will say that it either helps me reach my goal or makes me bust out laughing. No in-between.
@KindredSmile Rocks a Mean Red Pump, LMAO at bust out laughing!!!! God that is funny and awkward.
*also, fellas, from what i’ve heard some backs aren’t immediately breakable. have a plan b. basically, if the corner 3 aint hitting, get your ass to the hoop.*
amen…..
my personal motto:
skins ain’t work….it is fun….
@KingPine,
I think that this
“skins ain’t work….it is fun….”
should be a chlothing line…
@WuDaMan,
If you got to clock in……it’s a problem!
was it you with the tambourine uh *issues* ……
i broke mine out on Sunday..in *your* honor man….
@KingPine,
What am I to say my ancesters was HOT. You got to know that them 313′s was all up in the slave quarters. Thank the multiplying God above n w/us it doesn’t translate to the bed room.
I appreciate the tambourine play man. I just don’t know what it is. Sort of a cain’t get right thing. It truely bewilders and perplexes me too. Cuz I love a hot n funky beat.
@WuDaMan,
you know..what..i ain’t seen up in here yet…ain’t nobody talked bout the energy boost from a good *session*
queen rollin over ready to sleep..and i’m like “hell naw – we just gettin started”
we all got our thing…just keep it funky
@KingPine,
Okay ain’t nothing better than that good follow up & it’s follow up & what goes down after that. Mh mh mh
Real talk you gots to have one you sho nuff feelin to get like that though. You know you got to be w/ the one that you wanna see for the rest of your live long days. Or @ least let it feel like that @ the time.
Awe it’s funky cuz I stay led by the Spirit who’s strength is made perfect in my weakness. You know him who is able to keep us.
Champ One other lesson than could/should be added as a subcategory of “pay attention”.
Those “skillz” some of you been practicing are not universal to every partner. I couldn’t stand a guy that tries to tell me what I like or should like. Dude go bury you head in someone’s else plot. You got the oil retracting instead of flowing.
Help me help you.
@Raqi, LMAO @ “You got the oil retracting instead of flowing.”
But I definitely agree. Everything ain’t for everybody. you have to learn what your partner likes, not just assume she will like something b/c your ex liked it.
@N.I.A. rocktheredpump….,
But I definitely agree. Everything ain’t for everybody. you have to learn what your partner likes, not just assume she will like something b/c your ex liked it.
And PLEASE when I say that I don’t like it…look at me like booboo the fool and say “well all my other (past) girlfriends like it like that”"… :::fuming:::::::: sir, your membership has been denied. Please hang your jacket and exit the premises:::::
@Happy Meal,
welcome and sh*t
@The Champ,
Thx
@Happy Meal,
FYI, your name has a whole new meaning within the context of this thread.
Men, take note. Be happy bout it.
@nia,
make it something for me to be happy about.
Can I get uuuuuuh that ovulating one yeah the juicy one that’s been eating Pinapple pomes n fragrant fruit n juices.
@WuDaMan,
WWWOOOOOOOOWWWW
@WuDaMan,
If you make ME happy, the juice box will be happy, and in turn, you will be happy with the juice box. It all “flows” in succession.
It’s the circle of life.
@ Nia.
“If you make ME happy, the juice box will be happy, and in turn, you will be happy with the juice box. It all “flows” in succession.
It’s the circle of life.”
This was beautiful.
*single tear*
@Happy Meal,
Welcome!!
**Special Edition Red Pump Diva Dust ™**
@blackberry molasses is rockin’ her red pumps,
gee thanks! :::startin to feel the love n ish::::
@ nia,
Touché, I aint even think about all that… buuut you caint have me crackin up like that a work without proper warning
@ WuDaMan,
SURELY, the ovulating one is priceless…
@Happy Meal,
See Happy Meal you got the spirit. If you don’t know it’s worth how you gone be able to tell me (via body language) how to treat em? Don’t just get comfortable w/ you shyt. Love yo shyt. Learn yo shyt. (insert verb that you want done to yo shyt) yo shyt.
Sorry I been thinking of addages (you got to have respect to get respect, & you got to love yourself before someone else can do it.) and listening to Goodie Mob’s “Beautiful Skin” ‘you got to respect yo self before I can.’
@Happy Meal,
chile please….he wouldn’t have gotten past ‘my ex’
anywho…
welcome!!!
*shooting red gold stars*
@Raqi,
Let the believers say Amen!
Champ, Imma agree with your whole post today. No half-stepping, especially when it comes to chex.
Btw, today’s my birthday! I’m turning the big 3-5 and hope to have another 35 as wonderful as the last.
@luvtheshoes,
Happy Birthday!!!
@luvtheshoes,
Awe yeah Happy Birthday!
@luvtheshoes,
Happy Birthday!
@luvtheshoes, Happy Birthday
@luvtheshoes,
Happy Birfay!!
@luvtheshoes,
happy bday
@luvtheshoes,
Happy Birthday!! Enjoy!!
@luvtheshoes,
may your birthday be a very masculine birthday
@luvtheshoes, Happy Burfday.
@luvtheshoes, Happy Birthday!
@luvtheshoes, Happy Birthday!!!
@luvtheshoes,
Happy Birthday!
@luvtheshoes,
Happy b-day, Lady!
@luvtheshoes,
yay!!!
*special birthday platinum shooting stars*
have a good one!
Speaking of chexytime, I had a question for my girl the other day that ended in gigglefits, but no definitive answer: are any other ladies totally put off by guys who do a little too much grinding while doing the deed? Like, I don’t wanna feel like I’m having relations with a member of Pretty Ricky, or God forbid, Bobby Brown.
This is the same reason why I will never find male skrippas attractive. **dry heaves**
@Kindred Smile Rocks a Mean Red Pump,
i’m confused. are these guys grinding and holding mirrors while hitting from the back or something?
@The Champ, LMAO. Maybe a little bit of both. Grinding as if there was a mirror/audience in the back. Gross gross gross.
@Kindred Smile Rocks a Mean Red Pump,
Are we talking a smooth rhythmic slow grind while riding high?
Or sum’ else?
@Raqi, definitely something else. A very unpleasant something else.
Wait a minute, why was my comment held for moderation? It’s because I mentioned the Kang of R&B, isn’t it? Don’t be cruel.
@Kindred Smile Rocks a Mean Red Pump,
LMAO @ Don’t Be Cruel
You know what’s not the bizness during “the act?”
Teeth anywhere near my “homie” while getting headroom.
That isht is THE WORST.
@ThePhiladelphiaNegro,
to each his own…some people make that request by special order.
@Happy Meal,
to each his own…some people make that request by special order.
and by “people” you mean “inmates”, right?
@The Champ,
I’ve been away for a few days so this is very late but…
LMAO. That was the funniest.
@Happy Meal,
Uhh….okay. Although this disturbs me deeply and the very thought of said request causes me to flinch, I will file this under people exercising the “Burger King” clause of “having it their way.”
SMH @ this….
@ThePhiladelphiaNegro,
so i take it you wouldnt want the salad either…
@ Champ,
LOL :::::chokes on chimichanga::::::
@Happy Meal,
LOL :::::chokes on chimichanga::::::
Girl, you have to work on your technique…it takes practice getting it down whole….
@N.I.A. rocktheredpump….,
you’re so right… I mean its already an hour past lunch…I was starving…thought I’d catch up on comments while eating…bad move…it’s like tryina eat a beignet and inhale at the same time…either way…not a good look..almost had to give myself the heimelech maneuver.
@Happy Meal
*pauses at use of ‘beignets’*
where you from lady?
@Happy Meal;
I don’t even like salads with my dinner…much less the “salad” that we’re discussing here. lol
@ThePhiladelphiaNegro,
“Teeth anywhere near my “homie” while getting headroom.”
hmph…pass that little nugget of info on to your boys as well my friend.
reference the ninja with a bruised face after he BIT me a little too close to the cookie and LEFT A MARK, if you need evidence.
@SouthernGirl,
LMAO! So cruel but so fair! I love it.
@SouthernGirl,
True indeed. The message does apply to both parties but I felt like I had to offer up my own personal PSA to the VSS because maybe folks didn’t know…
…and knowing is half the battle
I’m waiting for SBM to toss in his two cents and tell all the folks who don’t go down to “kill theyself” so I can co-sign.
@Dom,
He is a national spokesman for that activity. I use to be one that didn’t partake. Once I did it the s3x for me was on another level.
@Humble_One,
Glad to hear that!
Since you are a convert, as opposed to an original follower, I think you have a stronger case for spokesmanship.
@Dom,
I suppose. I don’t think I will be doing any infomercials for cunnilingus anytime soon
@Humble_One,
I’m glad you saw the light….
@Humble_One,
what made you change your ways?
@The Champ,
LTR. She was the only woman I was dealing with. I don’t cheat so a lot of the rules that I had I had to be a little realistic with. Especially when I was getting served without asking. So I did it and enjoyed it. I’m not gung-ho about it like SBM or other dudes but I do do it. If she is a jumpoff, busto, casual f**k, etc. I ain’t eating ish. I will only do it in a relationship.
@Dom, I’m waiting for SBM to toss in his two cents and tell all the folks who don’t go down to “kill theyself” so I can co-sign.
Are there still grown azz people not going down in the 21st century? smh….
@N.I.A. rocktheredpump….,
Un – Fuggin- Fortunately. Just had to let one go.
He even gave me some medical bs reason why he won’t. GTFOH!
It was hard to resist the urge to tell him to jump off a bridge/throw himself in front of a bus/stab himself with a blunt object etc. but I held my toung.
@Dom,
Nana is the meal of choice….
@Dom,
“He even gave me some medical bs reason why he won’t. GTFOH!”
Did you punch him in the throat?
Please tell me you did.
@miss t-lee,
*Sigh* No. But it did help put the final nail in the coffin.
I can understand that some people want to warm up to you before getting that intimate. But medical reasons why you won’t? Selfishness. And Bullshat.
Get. The Hell. On.
@Dom,
I sent a kat packing once for refusing.
He didn’t even try to come up with a good excuse.
::2 fingers playa!::
@Dom,
they still make those? seeing one of them is like seeing a Beta Max or an 8 track player… useless, obselete and annoying. But fun to laugh at.
@Dom,
Real talk, for the right woman, I believe in “eating” til “the itis” sets in….real men take no prisoners….
You are TOO on point with this post. Though I am partical to a few Justin Slayer moments..(“You sooo Nasty..”, “You want me to smack your face with it”, “I make my own lubrication..with my mouth”, etc) LOL!!
Yo, there are women out the not going down…. That’s when their contact information goes down a fiber optic line of obscurity activated by the delete button of my blackberry.
Dead fish syndrome KILLS me. Seems like they give that certificate out with degrees though. Whenever I meet a woman with a ‘city/state job’, bank tellers, pharmacy techs….man, I recreate that feeling after doing suicides & sprints all practice…
@luvetheshoes: happy bday and shit
@BlkBond,
I just want you to know that I checked out your blog yesterday. Your stories are hilarious. I can imagine everything happening just as you stated.
Good stuff.
@miss t-lee,
Yeah, his blog is addictive. I’m already working on stealing his lingo (see “nail in the coffin” above)
@miss t-lee,
Thank you, I appreciate the love! I do want you to comment/post sometime when you have a minute. Forward to friends or whomever, I’m just putting myself out there since I’ve been commenting on A Belle In Brooklyn for about a year or so, people enjoyed what I had to say, so I decided to start my own. I plan to make upgrades (photos, hyperlinks, etc.) as the blog progresses, but right now, I am in the middle of moving so, all of this is on hold for a min.
@BlkBond,
Will do. You’ve been favorited.
@BlkBond,
Seems like they give that certificate out with degrees though.
Dude, you need to change the schools you’re fishing at…
@Ms. Sula,
Your right. I need to come up on some Jackson State, FAMU, Tenn. St good good…
This bourgie booty is not da bizzy that leaves me dizzy
@BlkBond,
A). I must check out your blog. I need more f**kery to keep me from doing real, actual work.
B) What is this Bourgie Good Good you speak of? And this “Dead Fish Certificate” that supposedly comes with the parchment vellum? I know of neither of these things.
@blackberry molasses is rockin’ her red pumps,
(with a Hertfordshire accent)
The bourgie booty has not been good, thus leading me to the conclusion that it must be in relation to the receipt of the vellum & parchment. In my previous experiences, the ladies without this accessory have been able to duplicate the antics of such beloved figures as: Pinky XXX, Ayana Angel, Lacey Duvalle, Annette Schwartz, Belladonna…and a list of other women whom God smiles broadly upon. Carry on…
@BlkBond,
I e-love you for the Hertfordshire accent (especially since I am a born Brit) and I will proceed to use one also.
I feel I must temper your argument about parchement and vellum posession being directly correlated with sack whackness.
While I agree that there are many wacktastical sack buddies out there, and many of those who possess credentials from institutions of “higher learning”, I feel that a blanket statement about all women who have passed through “hallowed halls” may be colored by your personal experience. I am not going to venture the breadth of that experience due to my aversion to…well, assumption. However, I have several exhibits to counter your assertion.
Any educated lass worth her salt, that enjoys the carnal pleasures has surely done some research upon the subject. This research is generally in the form of readings, film and ‘hands on’ experience. We can *baselessly* aregue that is if a lady is in posession of parchement and vellum, she is a touch driven and might even be a perfectionist. This is a loose argument that doesn’t hold water, but frankly, I don’t give a good gotdamn. I’m having fun
If she is truly a driven individual, that drive will naturally translate into seeking out blissful carnal encounters. It is one of life’s pleasures that is difficult to master. And since we ladies who are alumnae of institutions have rods so far up our butts that we MUST succeed in EVERYTHING, this includes having sweaty, funky, nasty, hot, “where are my panties” monkey chex as OFTEN AS POSSIBLE.
I have evidence to support my claims, but my momma told me to keep my biznazz off the intrawebs. I do work for the public and all that, after all.
For live references please consult my sack partner/lifemate. Contact for this fellow available on my own Intrawebs F**kery Home.
Feel free to object vehemently to this postulation. You would, of course, be wrong.
*this post peppered with as much snootiness and undue propriety as an undercover pron star can muster for your enjoyment…. LMMFAO**
Thank you.
@BlkBond,
FYI @ FAMU Chemistry n Biology dpt’s are good but Pharmacy n School of Buisness & industry got them hot chicks diamonds in the rough if you will.
@WuDaMan,
That’s whaat I’m sayin!! See I gotta leave all this watered down tail alone…
@BlkBond,
…they DO call it FAM-gotdamn-U (al-right, al-right, al-right!!)
@Resident GRitS,
so LOVING the HBCU love!
@BlkBond,
LOL @ Slayer…
:::sigh… I might just love that man::
@BlkBond,
Slayer. . .the king of kings. . .
I’ve been inspired to make some special requests because of that man.
@AngelicNastyness,
Yes, he and his cohorts have proven to be quite useful…lol
LOL! You are right. The paying attention part is key. I understand that their is a “zone” that people get in while humpin (tryin not to be foul LOL) but you have to engage and pay attention. “RIGHT THERE” means RIGHT THERE not a signal to do something different. PAY ATTENTION!
I didnt need to read this blog today but thanks for sharing.
Sincerely,
Randy