i can honestly say that “the terminal” is undoubtedly one of my favorite movies. for those unfamiliar with the plot, tom hanks plays viktor navorski, an eastern european man forced to live in JFK for six months when he is denied entry onto US soil, but can’t fly back to his native country due to a revolution. in those six months, he learns english, befriends many of the people working at the airport, begins a somewhat unrequited romance with a flight attendant played by catherine zeta-jones, and hilariously irritates the head immigration officer more and more by the day…a guy who tries to do everything legally possible to rid himself of the “navorski problem”, but fails repeatedly

yet, despite hanks’s comedic affectations, zeta-jones’s world-weary milfy sexiness, spielberg’s direction, and great performances by myraid actors, the movie solidified itself on my “top” list because of a single relatively insignificant character…a character who probably spoke less than 500 words the entire flick…

…zoe saldana’s officer torres…

…my favorite fictional love-interest of all-time. (honorable mention: nia long’s brandy from “boyz in the hood” and elastagirl from “the incredibles” )

in her mere 15-20 minutes of screen-time, saldana’s character somehow managed to exhibit pretty much every quality i’d look for in an ideal mate. compassion, intelligence, humility, romantic optimism, a tight blue uniform quirkiness…it’s like they intentionally grafted a character straight out of my conscious, a perfect personification of all of my “deal-makers”, fiction be damned.

anyway though, my question to you relatively fine folks: if you could bag (and “bag” in this instance could mean anything from “date” or “court” to “sleep with” or “imprison them in a texas ranch for 15 years“) any fictional character from any book, movie, or television series, who would it be? remember, i’m not referring to real live actors or actresses, but fictional characters that had you completely enthralled.

***oh. btw, on behalf of the team at verysmartbrothas.com, i wanted to thank everyone for helping to make our first month so successful.we’ve come a long way from those lonely shanty nights. riley and springer would definitely be proud.***

—the champ

For many of us, the concept of chivalry died years ago, neglected so long that it ended up gaunt, emaciated, and barely recognizable, starving to death outside of a KFC because no one could spare him the big piece of chicken.

Well, the champ is here to say that we’re wrong. Chivalry isn’t dead or even dying…just in need of a bit of a makeover. An update. A reboot. A few minor tweaks and adjustments to help it combat the depraved mindsets attempting to eradicate it.

Without further ado, here’s a partial version of the champs simple guide to 21st century chivalry…what it entails and encompasses and how to make sure it always gets that elusive big piece.

1. If a woman is within 15-20 feet and approaching a door at the same time a man is, the man must always attempt to open it and let her walk through first, even if he’s coming from an awkward angle. If the women is within 20-40 feet and walking at a pace which insures that she’ll be at the same door he’s about to enter within 7-10 seconds, he can walk through the door first, but he must hold the door for her.

This is pretty non-negotiable. Plus, as an added bonus, there’s no better way of getting a really, really good clear booty peek…women always seem to switch and jiggle the hips a little extra whenever a door’s being held open for them. I think it’s some form of a primitive mating mechanism actually, with an evolutionary correlation between held doors, jiggled hips, and ovaries, but I really have no idea.

***Also, even though the man isn’t holding the door just so the woman can say “thanks” , the man does reserve the right to mutter “bitch” “witch” under his breath if the act isn’t acknowledged at all.***

2. A man can never use too many “pleases”….except in the bedroom, where it should be given the condiment treatment: only used with light sprinkles

The bedroom in itself is a paradox where the common rules of chivalry don’t exist. For instance, saying “please” during a sexual act is a bit tricky because “please” accompanies a request. Depending on his disposition, body language, and penis size, “please” could be interpreted as “a playful request lightening the mood”, “a considerate lover”, or “an annoyingly desperate dude who should just stfu and be happy that his cornball ass is getting some .

There’s basically no in-between, no gray area with this, exactly why he needs to be absolutely sure about the nature of their sexual relationship before he continues with the “pleases”. Usually in these situations, a slight nudge or forceful grab of the neck eye contact is all that’s needed to get his point across, whatever it happens to be.

3. Men should always pay for the first three dates

It doesn’t matter if the guy’s a grad student working at Starbucks dating a newly hired cpa making 80k a year, if they’re dating, the man should always cover at least the first three dates. This is a universal rule that actually benefits both parties. If she’s really into him, she won’t mind the fact that the first couple of dates have been at Borders, the cheese dog stand at the arts festival, and the sample soup counter at giant eagle. If she’s feeling him, but does mind the limited spending dates, then thats all the proof he needs that she’s an evil, money grubbing hobbyhorse not the chick for him. Its that simple. If things are going well, by number four she should offer to pay or at least provide the setting and the man should accept her offer.

lastly…

4. Don’t bullsh-t the chivalry Gods.

men, don’t break your neck to open doors for every Esther Baxter or Zoe Saldana you see but refuse to give up your seat for the slightly homely chick with the eclectic teeth on the train carrying 90 textbooks

on the same token, women should always acknowledge a chivarious act. It could be a smile or a “thank you” or a slight head nod or head an “accidental” cleavage peak…anything as long as it lets the guy know that his efforts haven’t been in vain. If you see a guy doing the doorstop thing for you, the very least you can do is make an effort to sped up your walk so it doesn’t seem like he’s standing there waiting for the seasons to change in the time it takes your inconsiderate ass to get to the door.

there you go, young grasshoppers. go on now and make the champ proud

—the champ