By now, it’s common knowledge that the governor of Virginia has lost his gotd*mn mind. Not only did he reinstate April as the the politically controversial and divisive Confederate History Month, he ALSO forgot to mention in his proclamation that slavery had ANYTHING to do with the Civil War in the first place.

Gov. McDonnell stated that it is important for all Virginians to reflect upon our Commonwealth’s  shared history, to understand the sacrifices of the Confederate leaders, soldiers and citizens during the period of the Civil War, and to recognize how our history has led to our present. (The proclomation was recently amended to mention slavery).

While I’m well aware that the Confederacy (and Civil War) was all about states rights and the ability for a locality to govern itself, it was all about Southern states reliance on slavery and the insistence that the federal government not tell them that they couldn’t be slaveholding states. Basically, what I’m saying is f*ck you Governor Bob McDonnell.

Luckily, he must have some Black people in his office who reminded him that despite their working for a Republican d-bag, slavery DID actually happen and he issued an apology for his omission of slavery as a root cause of the Civil War. To wit:

Gov. Bob McDonnell revived a tradition that had been abandoned in 2001 with a proclamation last week that honoured the “sacrifices” of Confederate soldiers — without making any mention of slavery as a cause of the war that raged from 1861-65.

McDonnell backtracked on Wednesday, however, issuing a statement of apology for leaving out the reference.

“The proclamation issued by this office designating April as Confederate History Month contained a major omission,” the governor said. “The failure to include any reference to slavery was a mistake, and for that I apologize to any fellow Virginian who has been offended or disappointed.”

Since so many people in Virginia and America think this was a good idea since we have sh*t like Black History Month – and since I have such a good sense of humor – I started thinking about  other possible groups that need recognition. Such as…

Nazi Recognition Week - In recognition of the vision and vast organizational skills during a trying era creating a spirit of unity and national pride except for them mofos who coudn’t “get like me”. Call me Ishmael? Naw, I’ll call you at Auschwitz. Shalom, beyotch.

Rayful Edmonds Appreciation Month (in DC) – In honor of the entrepreneurial spirit and community-minded activism that employed thousands of citizens of the District of Columbia who stared in the the face of adversity and overcame the odds

Pilgrim Week – To commemorate the foresight of those individuals who recognized the potential for life in a new land with new beginnings and the wherewithall to forge past obstacles to set in motion the blueprint for Manifest Destiny

Oh wait, we have Thanksgiving for that.

And YOU get a blanket! And YOU get a blanket!

General Sherman Day – For his work in the fire sciences and his vision of a new Atlanta

John Allen Muhammad Mentorship Program – Named in honor of Muhammad’s extreme devotion to his charges and the willingness to go to great lengths for the youth to ensure their greatest success in life

Bob Johnson’s Center for Women’s Rights – In recognition of Mr. Johnson’s firm belief in the upliftment of women and the enlightenment of mankind in the process; because a woman is the light and the way

Those are just a few of the honors that could use a day, week, month, or program, etc. Good people of VSB, what other people, places, or things need some honoring?

Shower the people you love with love.

Show them the way that you feel.

Make it rain.

On these hoes.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL, HE A 3

Related posts:

1. By The Time I Get To Arizona
2. On Dem Thangs: 4 Crackheads That Don’t Get Enough Credit.
3. Voice of Black America: 5 Things I’d Just Like To Put Out There…For Putting It Out There’s Sake.

You are the father. But you aren't a relationship role model. Stop it.

Don’t kick your girl down a flight of stairs. Check.

Don’t stab him or cut off his Junior F. Baby. Check.

Do not under any circumstances drop kick his mother and then suplex her while doing a trapeze act. Check.

Do not compare her to Michelle Obama and say, “she supports her man, I’ll bet Obama gets to backdoor that Amazon!”. Check.

Say you made a mistake of not picking a certain girl when you’re “girlfriend” is on the way to talk to you. Check.

Cheat. Check.

When it comes to relationships, most of us know the big things not to do. Anything that causes bodily harm, mental anguish and/or agony, or you to end up an episode of Oprah, Maury, or that show I saw yesterday hosted by William Shatner is probably something that you really don’t want to do in a relationship. And you know this already. Congratulations, scholar. Gold star for Marcus.

However, there’s a whole other layer of subtle but ever-present daily cockups that occur from sea to shining sea. So I figure that with all of my intuition and knowhow (and knownothow) why not share share share. That way, you keep a man, and you keep a man, and you keep a woman, and you keep a woman. Yay. Plus, remember that crime fighting initiative that The Champ and I have been on? We just got our numbers back during Comstat and skillet scalpings are down a solid 23 percent in the past 3 months and I’d like to think that we have something to do with that. Please. And thank you.

Aw shuga no no no.

1) Say No to simple things in public

While I understand the need to say no when he “accidentally” tries to plug the wrong hole or she asks you to wear lipstick and you’re not in Clown College or from LA, if your girl asks you for a bottle of water at a BBQ and you’re closer to the cooler, you really shouldn’t say “no” and tell her to get it herself if she really wants some water. That just makes her look bad…in public and it’s a simple request that if fulfilled won’t result in a conversation later on. Really that’s what relationships are all about, doing what it takes to avoid the unnecessary conversations that you don’t want to have in the first place. And if anything, you don’t want your significant other to look like an idiot to everybody. Just say no to saying “no”.

Speaking of in public…

2) Call them out

Everybody needs to be called on their BS at some point. Just this morning, I called my cat out on her non-sensical ass insistence on meowing loud as hell until one of us beckons her. It really is that bullsh*t. However, I ‘d never do that around company. It’s just rude and its inside business, ya dig? Same with gf/bf. So what their being foreclosed on AND filing for bankruptcy. That’s your inside knowledge. Do you really need to bring that up when he wagers $20 on a football game and you feel he needs to fall back from that bet because of that little Chapter 11-style funny sh*t he’s going through? To his mother? Methinks no.

3) Openly question their decision-making ability

Look, I know that there’s no good reason to put chili pepper in cheesecake, but if your man is making the cake and somehow determines that chili pepper is going to give it that extra kick, well dammit, you ride out with that decision unless it might kill somebody. Later on, you are more than able to call him out on that BS (see #2) and make sure not to let his ass within 100 feet of an open range, but if he’s cooking for a group, you better drop that sh*t and roll wit’ it.

4) Pass the buck

In a relationship, whether you like it or not,  you become a “we”. If you two throw a party and you don’t like her coaster party, you can’t be like, “well, personally, I don’t give a sh*t if you leave a ring on this fine oak piece of Amish furniture from Lancaster County, PA,  but you know she be trippin’ so use a coaster, doggy snacks.” That’s just f*cked up. Take some ownership and remember #3.

Now, these four things will help you stay happy but good people of VSB, are there others? I’m sure there are. Do share.

Do.

Panamajackson? Tell him.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL, HE A 3

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We’re nearing the end of November that can only mean one thing – Thanksgiving is nigh.  And what does nigh mean?

It means nearing, you academic, you.

Anyway, Black Friday is the day when folks blow their wads on uber-discounted discount price gifts for who shot John and Oh John the Rabbit (oh yes).  It really is the most wonderful time…of the year.  Giving and receiving.  Happy mornings and happy endings.  Love, smiles, and thanks.

Basically, it’s like pr0n except the polar opposite, and if it was sponsored by a jolly old fat man who epitomized the term, ice cold (no Alpha). Since I’m human, I love gifts.  There’s nothing like somebody figuring out that one gift you didn’t realize you wanted until you got it.  Similarly, there’s nothing like giving a gift to somebody who will truly appreciate it.

Which brings us to the point of today’s post, you can SO totally go wrong with gift-giving.  There are people who genuinely SUCK at gift-giving.  We all know somebody like this; they should be sent out with a list, a camera video phone, and a chaperone at all times.  Well, in case that person is you, I figured the least I can do is highlight some gifts that NOBODY wants.  Period.

It’s the least I can do.  ‘Tis the season!

Take a gander – a goose if you must.

1)  Snuggie

Yeah yeah, I know, it’s the blanket with sleeves or some such bull malarkey.  Look, kimo, the ONLY good thing to come from this Snuggie phenomenon is the commercial for it and more specifically the white dude raising the roof and partying like it’s 1999 or something.  Ironic considering that I think the last time somebody raised the roof and wasn’t pop culturally retarded was probably 1999.  Anyway, if you must get somebody one, the leopard print is definitely the way to go.  At least then, they’ll think it’s a gag gift.

2) So Fresh, So Dry aka FreshBalls

And yes, it is exactly what you think it is.  If you’re dating a man who’s having an overly moisturized problem in his nether regions….skip it, are you tired of  your hands sliding off of his balls when you get to fondling?  Well, ladies you’re in luck.  Except you’re not.  This is a terrible gift.  The name alone sounds like a joke, but it’s real.  However, there is something to be said about the insane comedic value of saying “sweaty balls” out loud.  I dare you to say it and not at least crack a smile.

Sweaty balls.

*smile*

3)  The Vulva Portrait Pendant

This sh*t right here, ninja?  This sh*t right here?  Look, the fact that you might ACTUALLY polaroid the poonanny and send it thru the world wide web (no pun intended) is bad enough.  But expecting to get a necklace in return that you expect ANYBODY to wear around their necks is taking ewwwwww to a whole new level.  Read my lips (um, not my lips, I don’t have lips, well not THOSE lips…this is going nowhere fast), this is a bad idea.  This doesn’t even work on a feminist, “owning my vajayjay” level.  By the way, in the pic on the site, the one on the far left (the brown one) looks like it got a bad strain of H1N1 vaccine, like it was mixed with cyanide and Five Alive.

4)  The Obama Chia Pet

The fact that the plant grows into an afro, one of which Obama does not have, isn’t even the big problem here.  The problem is that it costs $19.95 to own something that essentially looks like a homeless alien with a mole.  Oh, and it doesn’t look like Obama.  As an aside, am I the only person who thinks that the Chia people have been WAITING to come out with a Black person worthy of a chia so they could run with the afro?  No?  I think too much?  Ok. Ok. You’re right.  You’re right.

5)  This Thing Right Here

Let’s help the people, people.   What are some other terrible gift ideas?

Keep relationships alive.  Keep the love alive.

Keep hope alive.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL, HE A 3

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3. hay season: the people, places, and things that make me itch

A few weeks back, I helped my homeboy move out of his apartment and of course, we rented a U-Haul.  Well apparently, my boy rented his truck from the busiest spot in all of Maryland AND given that it was the 31st of October (Halloween), everybody and their mama needed a truck to move from one apartment complex to the next.

$8,000 first time homebuyer tax credit my ass.

Anyway, we took the truck back at about 6:30 pm and the U-Haul locale was JUMPIN’ like the club.  I saw a chick who turned out to be a man dressed like a woman dancing to a Beyonce song, which was, like, so cliche.  Anyway, as we stand in line for what seems like forever, the clearly overworked ninja employees of the establishment begin loudcapping everybody but nobody in particular about people needing to get out of the store because it was basically closing time and how they weren’t getting paid enough to deal with these snippy motherf*ckers.

Being the college-educated and well-adjusted individuals that me and mi compadre are, we waited our turn and when we got to the front of the line, the phone started ringing.  Now you might think this was the store phone.  Nope, it was her personal cell phone and much to the surprise of nobody, she answered the phone…WHILE dealing with our order.  She proceeds to detail to the person on the other end of the phone how ninjas just KEEP showing up KNOWING that they close at 7pm and how she BETTER have some collard greens and chicken left.

And for anybody who went to Ray’s funeral last weekend, I’m sorry for your loss.  I didn’t know Ray personally, but I heard about all of the details from Bertha at the U-Haul on Chillum Road in Hyattsville, Maryland.

You’re welcome.

Anyway, the craptastic service and all around ri-damn-diculousness that I witnessed reminded me of something that I both love and adore…SERVICE AT A BLACK RUN ESTABLISHMENT!

While I love my people dearly, there definitely are some Black Run Establishments (BREz) that be on that bullsh*t.  Sometimes…they just suuuuuck.

So quickly, here are 7 sign that you might be at a BRE.

1)  Lots of employees but no work getting done

SEE example from up above.

2)  Employees make you feel like they’re doing YOU a favor by dealing with you…despite the fact that you’re paying for a service

There’s nothing worse than a motherf*cker treating you like you should thank them for being there and getting paid to do their damn job.  I hate ninjas like this. Really.  Like really really.

3)  Folks are talking on their personal cellphones, about personal business

I don’t know about you, but I don’t even need Bossip or TMZ.  All I do is go to my local Popeye’s and I can keep up with all the local and Hollywood gossip when Boomshakalaka and her cousin get to talking about who Ray J is REALLY f*cking. Yay!

4)  Hard to tell the employees from the friends of employees

I’ll never understand why folks will go visit their homies at work FOR HOURS.  Jesus be an unemployment check.

5)  There’s always a lingering threat of violence between…somebody(s)

You ever just notice a palpable anger in the air but can’t tell where it’s coming from or who it’s directed towards but if a fight broke out you wouldn’t be surprised?  Yeah, you just might be in a BRE.

6)  They play the versions of songs that include Plies and/or curse words

Plies = curse words in my book and neither are allowed on Sunday anywhere NEAR me.  Seriously though, perhaps I’m just getting old but I get downright soccermom-ish when I hear a song playing in a store and it’s the dirty version.  I just want to shake a stick at people and make them feel bad with vicious rhetoric.

7)  You have to check your bag at the door

I think it’s so funny that you have to check your bag in a store where you can literally see the entire store and everybody in it from the front door.  Then again, in this time of economic depression, I guess the ninja at the front door checking bags is just happy to have a job.  Either way, they don’t do that sh*t at the store NEXT DOOR.  And chances are, I’d rather rob them anyway.  But I can read.  So I won’t.

So good folks of VSB, I KNOW I missed some things.  Educate the people, people.  How do YOU know you might be at a BRE??

Inquiring minds would like to know.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL, HE A 3

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