So I received this email from Wise Diva the other day with a few web-links in it and lo and behold I came across an article that I swear I’d write. Hell, it almost feels like its the article The Champ and I have been writing all along…

Sometimes folks just get it right.

CO-ED Magazine’s staff wrote an article entitled: 13 Facts About Women…Men Forget

Oh happy happy joy joy mothertruckers. Now, I know that we’ve written a blog before where we mentioned things that we wish the opposite sex realized so it just stands to reason that this article would be right along those lines of things that we support here at VSB.com. So I figured I’d share a few points that I think are particularly poignant, people. Ponder pontificatiously….

A Better Liar: When a man lies, he knows he’s doing something wrong. He’ll dart his eyes, mumble, change the subject and try to just get the hell out of the situation as fast as possible. When a woman lies, she can look the person she loves square in the eye and feed him the biggest load of bullsh*t ever, and make it seem like she’s being perfectly reasonable–more reasonable than usual! (That’s your first clue.) But pity the man who catches his woman in a lie; call her out on it, and she will drop her entire arsenal of your f**k-ups upon your quickly withering form. Forget that tactic; it’s better to just go get drunk and hit on other chicks out of spite.

Constantly Looks For Inner-Meaning: For men, saying exactly what you mean stands as a matter of pride. But no matter how straight your talk, women like to feel like they have more control over the situation by attempting to decode what you’re not saying, so they can guess how you’re feeling and what to do next. Here’s the thing, ladies: Men only talk to accomplish a goal of some type, like working out a business plan. You talk just to talk. It makes you feel better just to get everything out there. If talking isn’t for any reason other than to talk, he’d rather do anything else.

Ouch. But ouch so good.

And who could forget:

Crazy: We know this is cliche, but let’s get something straight: When chemical imbalances (i.e., changes in hormone levels) control your thoughts, words and actions–that’s called crazy. A “visit from aunt flow,” as they say, is enough to throw many women over the edge–at least for a couple of days. And while we will forever hold hope that there’s a reliably sane one amongst them, we are yet to even hear of her existence. In fact, most women admit their (temporary) insanity; you’d know if you listen to them. Don’t, and that’s some sh*t they’ll use against you, if you make the mistake of not knowing what the hell is going on.

And hey…if it’s on the internet, it must be true, right? Right????

And one for the road:

P.S. Women: Don’t believe anything Cosmo or any other “female-targeted publication” tells you about what guys like. Just keep it as close to BJs and BBQ as possible and you’re in the green.

Well I think they got it right…what say you?

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST

You know what conversation I’ll never have with my girlfriend?  Give up?  Good.  I’ll never have the conversation where we discuss my “rating” of her.

There are bad ideas in life and then there are TERRIBLE BUBONIC PLAGUE AND SYPHILLIS bad ideas.  Discussing your rating of any close friends of yours is definitely one of them.  File it in with shooting yourself in the left testicle/breasticle as “things you should avoid at all costs.”

Hmm…but Panama…why is it such a bad idea?

I’m glad you asked.  Let’s think about this.

We’ve already discussed platonic friends so let’s just run with the idea that men don’t have platonic friends – we just have friends we haven’t slept with…yet.

[***DISCLAIMER: I don’t have those types of friends.  All of my female friends are platonic!!!!  You read that, baby?  Did you? Did you??? (Yes my girlfriend both reads and responds on VSB.com)***]

So assuming that men don’t have platonic friends and that for the most part we just want to see women naked (and let’s pretend Kamilah’s story and her two homeboys’ response was an anomaly), why is this a bad idea?

For a few reasons, actually.  For one, there is no right answer to this question.   She won’t believe you for two.  You can’t tell her you think she’s a 10 because of course you’re lying and she knows your lying because she knows she’s not a 10 because despite her thinking she’s perfect she KNOWS she’s not and you telling her that she’s a dime is just placating her and trying to get into her goodiebox.

And women aren’t stupid.  They know when we’re just saying what they want to hear.  Which is interesting if you think about it.  I don’t think most women want to hear the truth, but they also don’t want to hear a lie.  Women just like voices.

Conversely, if you tell your homegirl that she’s a 7 then you have to explain to her why she’s not a 10.  And trust me, broham, you DO NOT WANT TO explain to a woman you’re trying to see naked what you think is wrong with her.

There are two truisms in life.  One:  Black men are highly sensitive, especially if they’re from LA.  Two:  Nothing makes a chick more defensive (read: less likely to sleep with you) than hearing about what YOU think are her imperfections.  She may say that she appreciates that you’re honest with her…and perhaps she does, but it still stings to hear that you think she’d be so much hotter if she, ya know, got a different face and added a couple SOLO cups to her breast size..and not to mention that weird twitch her right eyebrow seems to do on Thursdays.  And trust me pimpin’, you’ll HAVE to have this conversation because she isn’t letting it go, hombre.

You may just want to give her the rating and keep it moving.  I know I do.  I see a chick, I rate a chick, I scratch myself, and I keep it moving.  Ain’t a woman alive that is going to say, “You think I’m a 7…cool.  What’s on TV?”

Further, if you tell her she’s a 6, you might hurt her feelings (read: no drawz).  If you tell her that she’s an 8, she may be happy but she’ll want to know what she would need to do to become a 10 to which you should just reply:

“Become hotter.” And then throw something at her to change the subject.

Tell a chick she’s a 9?  Sheeeeeeeeeeit.  You might as well get ready to spend your afternoon convincing her that you actually mean it AND telling her what she’d need to do to become a 10.

The bottom line is that you never want to have to tell a woman her flaws unless she specifically asks about them because it will never end well.  It just…is.

It was written.

Word.Life.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST

One of the main premises that’s arisen out of the myriad discussions that have occurred here at VSB.com is this:

Men and women just plain out view things differently.

I’ve long contended that the major reason that men and women butt heads so much is that men and women refuse to acknowledge the fact that we’ll never truly understand why we each do the things we do. Women think men are complex and men think that men are simple.

Men think that women are irrationally emotional and women think that women are only responding to the energy that men bring forth. It’s a tangled web we weave.

It’s like we eat because we’re fat. But we’re fat because we can’t stop eating. It’s a vicious cycle.

One interesting place where these differences arise that I, as a man, can’t really comprehend why the difference occurs is here:

When dating, men look for ass first and end up finding meaning with a woman. Women on the other hand look for meaning from the beginning and get surprised when men tend to be the very jackass that their daddy (if he was even there) told them to avoid. What this basically means is that women are always hoping for the best and probably hopeless romantics. But the problem with always hoping for the best is that there’s another half to that equation, and the two equal up to life. The second half is to prepare for the worst.

So when many women seem to be enthusiastically miffed the f*ck up by a man who only wants to see her naked, I’m genuinely surprised. Especially since every single woman I know believes that men just want to see them in their skivvies anyway. Yet somehow, even the most practical and pragmatic women is honestly shocked, dismayed, and disappointed when a cat she had high hopes for shows his ass as the South Street Slut Sleeper.

Now of course, I tend to believe that at their core, women are better people than men. Women operate on feelings and warm and fuzzy places. And men, well, we like warm and fuzzy places. Attached to legs. It isn’t that men aren’t good people, it’s just we’re more animally instinctual. We like to pounce on things and women make such fun things to pounce on. Grr.

Now there’s probably a good reason for the difference in women’s attitudes towards dating et al. Women are socialized to be more passive and to basically not be whores – which is good. Being a whore seems like it’d totally suck.

Um, no pun intended.

But the thing is that I think we men have it right when it comes to choosing our mates. We get all the whorishness out of our system and then decide its time to settle down and get us a wife and make a family. Most women just look for the first thing smoking instead of giving themselves the opportunity to fully explore themselves and let their soul glow.

They don’t let it shine through.

I understand why women seek out a husband first and then start dating, but I don’t really get it. Mostly because I know good and doggone well that as a man, it seems like there’s just too much to do before you get married.

But maybe it’s not for me to really understand anyway. Maybe that’s the beauty that is women. All full of hopes and dreams and belief in men allowing for the continuation of the species.

Good thing I’m a man then…since you’re hopes and dreams ensure that a brotha’s gonna get a chance to work it out.

And isn’t that what it’s really all about anyway?

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST

I’m not sure if you know this or not, but we here at VSB.com are here to help - like Jesse and Al, except way more focused and with better hair. Oh yeah, and minus the whole making a mockery of Blackness since 1968 thing.

With that in mind, I know a lot of women who’ve gone through painstaking processes just trying to figure out if a man was interested in them. In fact, let’s take it a step further…I often get asked by my goodbreasted companions about what they should do when they’re in those initial stages of mental bliss. You know, the stage after you meet but before you play put the lime in the coconut and twist it all around.

So today, I’m going to provide a little 5 step manual for what you womenses should do in the mean time between time while you’re flipping the fuck out waiting for us to show you that we actually do like you. Mind you, I’m aware that men play mental gymnastics as well. But so do squirrels. And that has nothing to do with the price of condoms in Amsterdam. Today’s it all about helping the ladies out.

And with that said:

VERY SMART BROTHAS PRESENTS: 5 THINGS YOU SHOULD DO WHILE WAITING FOR HIM TO SHOW AND PROVE

1. Calm the f*ck down. You solve nothing by going apesh*t and overanalyzing every single email and/or text he sends you. And trust me, all men know that b*tches love the smiley face. It’s why Forrest Gump created them.

2. Don’t call him all the time. For one, he won’t answer. For B, you’re putting all of yours cards on the table by letting him know how pressed you are. The same way that we like to imagine what’s in your jeans is the same way we like to think about the chick we just met who might be the 3rd to last chick we ever see naked. The only thing that should be open 24/7 is 7-Eleven.

3. So…get a little ghost on occasion. Don’t be so available. Make the dude feel like he’s working for something. You best believe that if my job one day decided that I would just be working for the love and no paycheck, I’d be dipping THE f*ck out. Mind you, you should be in relationships for the love but that wouldn’t make my analogy work so f*ck it.

On a side note, though I don’t think anything is wrong with having some good ole fashion lovin’ while you’re trying to figure out where you stand, if you give up the goods early and often and he never calls you again, consider yourself lucky. He was just going to break up with you later anyway for a chick who held out.

4. Don’t accidentally be where you know he’s going to be. Just because he tells you where he’s going doesn’t mean he wants you to show up there. In fact, unless he says, “You should come here…” keep your happy ass 100 feet away at all times unless your presence is specifically requested. I knew a chick who somehow liked to pop up where I was going to be. I almost shot her once on accident though. She popped up at my home and was hanging outside my window just in case I wanted to see her. By the way, I lived on the 22nd floor.

By the way, I’m lying.

5. Perhaps you should continue dating. Just because you two met and hit it off doesn’t mean that he’s ready to bet the farm on you. In fact, most of us don’t even have a farm to bet so why in Sam Hill would we be ready to close up shop when we don’t even own one? Think about that. It’s deep. Don’t get so caught up in that one dude that you forget that YOU’RE NOT DATING.

Also…check out the price of tea in China.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST

i own an suv.

no, i dont have a wife, any kids, or any plans to go backpacking in the near future but, for me, the suv was the right choice. never mind the fact that it currently gets around 7 miles per gallon, making my monthly gas expenditures rival my freakin rent. forget about the fact that i live in the middle of a somewhat major city, making giant vehicles obsolete, and, while you’re forgetting about that fact, also forget about the fact that suv’s are actually the least safe vehicles to drive. try not to remember that a camry would undoubtedly do a much more efficient job of getting me from a to z…driving my truck just feels better, safer, and well, dammit, just feels better, and theres nothing you can do or say to convince me otherwise.

sounds crazy right?

well, not when you consider how we’re obsessed, even transfixed, with size. from our car choices and barbecue grills to our living spaces, bank accounts, and infatuation with professional athletes, our size obsession permeates everything we think about and everything we do.

with that being said, our borderline compulsive fixation with penis size is the most conspicuous manifestation of this obsession.

i wont lie. penis size does matter…but why are we so obsessed?

there are many answers to this question, but it all basically comes back to one word: anonymity

as the deviant pointed out on her blog last week, it’s the great unknown. there’s no other human body part thats completely left up to the imagination. one of the reasons why it’s somewhat easier for men to fantasize about anonymous sex than it is for women is that there isn’t really that much left up to the imagination with a women’s body. it’s not very difficult to imagine exactly how any women looks naked, regardless of how clothed they might be.

the penis, on the other hand, remains largely anonymous, and dealing with this anonymity pushes us to the brink of insanity. if you think “insane” is too strong of a word, how else would you explain some of the penis size theories that have permeated our consciousness? pretty much any other measurable trait, from race to height to hand size to nose width to confidence level and career choice, have been “found” to correlate with package. i even had a female friend tell me that “without fail, guys with light colored cars always have big d–ks“.

how else can you explain that, despite the numerous studies that have measured and reported that the erect penises of the vast majority of male humans on this planet fall somewhere between the 5 to 7 inch range, there are women who refuse to even entertain the notion that anything less than 9 couldn’t possibly ever satisfy them?

and, just in case you aren’t convinced that we’re completely nuts yet, a recent study found that while 85 percent of women were “satisfied” with their partners equipment, only 55 percent of men were pleased with their own joy packages…proof that we’re just as nuts about this as you all are!!

ehhhh. forget about all of this. i’m just looking forward to the day when my truck is completely paid for, and i can trade it in for something much bigger more efficient.

—the champ