[***Admin Note: On March 27th in Washington D.C., The Champ will be on a panel with a few other "relationship experts" to talk about relationships, love, sex, and all that other good stuff, and he'd greatly appreciate your support. Go to moderndaymatchmaker.eventbrite.com for more details.

Also, if you're planning on attending, please buy your tickets with the promotional code "VSB" to receive a discount. Thanks!***]

a couple of things dawned on me while at the house party i referenced in monday’s entry:

1. buffalo chicken dip really stings if it gets in your eye (dont ask)

2. the utter variety present within the population of black women

i mean, its not like i hadn’t realized this before. but, the potpourri of sistas present at this relatively small event further proved that from dark-brown or light and naturally curly or nappy to artist or athlete and southern belle or north philly firecracker, they’re like a combination platter at an all you can eat chinese buffet.

and, although i’m sure there are multiple variations among non-black women, part of what makes sistas so special is that within their endless assortments are a few common archetypes, recurring characters completely unique to the collective black narrative.

***personally, two of my favorites are “ms god/body with nice bubble perpetually hidden by her atache” (best exemplified by erykah badu) and “the surprisingly sweet hood chick with a heart of gold”***

anyway, this diversity made me think of a few other somewhat underrated things about dating sistas, and here’s four more

2. considering the fact that (aside from prince, giancarlo esposito, and dudley moore) sistas usually don’t go for super short men with straight hair, you don’t have to worry about an angry asian man stealing your girl

i’ve had an irrational fear of short, muscular, asian men since watching tong po kick a hole through a cement wall in kickboxer, so it helps me sleep at night knowing that i probably won’t ever have to fight one to keep my girl.

3. if she ever complains about you singing off key in the shower, you can always get cool points by telling her “i was actually just singing ‘queen to be‘, because, you know, you’re my queen”

***this only works, btw, with women born sometime between 1972 and 1985***

4. you always know you’re going to get some the day before they get their hair done

since they know they’re probably not going to want to have sex for a couple days after getting their hair did (for fear of “sweating it out”), most sistas basically turn into a brown skinned version of snookie from jersey shore the day before their hair appointments. seriously, you’d have to have less game than brian scalabrine to get turned down the day before hairday.

plus, since they know they’re getting a wash, press, and curl the next day, this is the one time you can be, ummmm, “creative” with what you do to and what ends up in their hair without getting cussed out.

5. if you all ever happen to get chased by a dog, serial killer, rabid midget clown, alien, or group of mexicans, you won’t have to worry about her doing some dumb shit like falling or stopping to ask the alien if he knows the showtimes for avatar at loews.

i’m sure i’m missing a few.

men of vsb.com, can you think of any more underrated positives about dating a black woman? also, ladies, are there any under-publicized about benefits of dating a brotha?

the carpet is yours

—the champ

Related posts:

1. six things every grown-ass sista should possess
2. stages: three underrated relationship benchmarks
3. All By My Se-eee-eelf: 5 Signs That You’re Dating Somebody Who Isn’t Dating You.

i’ve always been annoyed to the point of anger by mya and jay-z’s “best of me” (possibly the most forgettable uber-popular rap male/r&b female “no, really: are they f*cking or not?” collabo song in an era –1998 to 2002– defined by uber-popular yet ultimately forgettable rap male/r&b female “no, really: are they f*cking or not?” collaborations) for two completely unrelated reasons:

1. the original jadakiss version of this song is much, much, much, much better. seriously, the jadakiss version is the waffle house to the jay-z remix’s wendy’s breakfast, and it saddens me and the ghost of lil kim’s fourth face to know that there are people who don’t even know this track exists

2. jay-z’s “have an affair/act like an adult for once“ line in his second verse

you see, i’ve always taken umbrage to jiggas suggestion that my insistence on fidelity is basically just a product of immaturity. who was he to tell me that every grown man had a mistress, and that my unscrupulous friends and teammates were more mature than my self-righteous ass?

sometimes i’d even scream “i’m grown too, maricon¹ muthaf*cker” at the tv whenever this wretched video came on, before getting too distracted by mya’s myaness to even continue to care.

it wasn’t until sometime earlier this year that the realization hit me like a bag of dicks²:

every man does in fact have a mistress…including me

sometimes its an ex-girlfriend we’ve kept in contact with because we know she’s always only one word from go. sometimes its a co-worker we share so many inside jokes and lunch runs with that we almost don’t mind it when the chili’s waitress assumes we’re not splitting the check. sometimes its the cute barista at our favorite starbucks you always exchange “i’m probably a bit happier to see you than i should be” smiles with. and sometimes, well. sometimes that mistress might just be our mom

you see, regards of status or station, every man has at least one source of validation in his life outside of his significant other that reminds him of how attractive, funny, and unique he is; a perpetual legitimizer we (usually) have no real interest in sleeping with that thinks we’re the shit, laughs at each of our corny jokes, and doesn’t remind us that we’ve told them that story three times already.

in theory, we should get this validation from our real relationships. and, in theory, we actually do. girlfriends and wives are the shit (mostly).

but, although knowing that your significant other still finds you (somewhat) attractive is all that counts, its not all that matters. the need to know that we’re still interesting and desirable to others dissipates but never disappears. and, what separates us from women is the fact that while (most) women can’t walk a block and a half without someone letting them know they’re still desirable in someway, (most) men don’t have this same luxury.

this is where the mistress steps in, providing a breezy recess session for our psyches; an admittedly superficial reminder of who we think we are when we look in the mirror after our morning push-ups puff our chests.

in fact, in a couple of weeks, my dearest mistress and i will celebrate our two year anniversary. although we never have or ever will sleep together, we’ve grown closer and closer with each passing day. and, just like every other mans own personal mistress, she completes me in a way no mere girlfriend or wife ever could. i always know that when i’m weighted down with a typical days mind-numbling minutae, i can simply log on to vsb and see, well, somebody out there still thinks i’m cool, smart, and funny.

moral of the story? jigga was right: we’re all hypocrites…but our mistresses don’t care.

¹i was really into carlito’s way at the time. i’d even say that line with a puerto rican accent, even though my friends told me it actually sounded more irish than anything

²i figure this would be more emotionally and spiritually painful than a “bag of bricks“

—the champ

Related posts:

1. naked: chris brown and the sad plight of the scorned man
2. five great ways to charm a man
3. 6 Things That Every Grown A** Black Man Needs In His Life

in the latest round of news seemingly designed to show the entire world how much it must suck to be a black american, researchers at the insight center for community economic development released a report last week showing that the median wealth for a single black woman is five dollars.

yup. you read that correctly. five bucks

“It’s rather shocking,” said Meizhu Lui, director of the Closing the Gap Initiative based in Oakland, Calif., who contributed to the report “Lifting as We Climb: Women of Color, Wealth and America’s Future.”

“Even for those of us who have been looking at the wealth gap for a while, we were shocked and amazed at how little women of color have.”

although the story is somewhat sensationalistic —the intentionally shocking title (“study finds median wealth for single black women at $5“) paints a much bleaker picture than the actual study suggests— the results are still troubling.

even for those of us lucky enough to have degrees and decent incomes, our (and i’m saying “our” because i’m sure any study focusing on single black men would produce similar results) collective lack of wealth and appreciating assets basically ensures that any financial adversity will be accompanied by a cushion-less fall.

obviously, there are myriad political, social, racial, and economic reasons why our wealth game is stuck on “n*gga, please!”, and many of these factors are somewhat out of our control.

but, there is something completely in our control that we refuse to do, something that can help us stem the asset-less tide, something so undoubtedly advantageous and beneficial to our financial future that us not doing it borders on insanity…even if our pride tells us otherwise:

live at home

***pausing to give everyone a chance to gasp and suck their teeth after reading those three words***

you see, because most of us have had “conceive, believe, achieve, and then f*cking leave” embbeded in our heads since birth, the idea of living with your parents while grown is the complete antithesis to our (and, to be honest, many of our parents) idea of adulthood.

sh*t, i can almost imagine the “wait. there’s no way in freakin hell my masters degree ass is moving back in with my momma” face many of you are making at your monitors right now, women especially. just reading the mere suggestion that a grown-ass educated man stay at home is enough to dry more black women’s panties than maytag.

thing is, once you remove pride and the whole “living at home” stigma from the equation, you start to realize that swallowing your pride and staying with your parents for your first few working years can make much more of a positive long-term impact on you and your family’s future than you probably think.

this is where i wish i could go back in time and somehow convince marsellus wallace to give us all a pep talk when we were first thinking about leaving the crib:

“If you decide to keep living with your parents, you might feel a slight sting. That’s pride fuckin’ with you. Fuck pride! Pride only hurts, it never helps. You fight through that shit. ‘Cause four years from now, when you’re kicking it in your own crib and not some 600 square foot box you’re still wasting 1,200 bucks a month on, you gonna say to yourself, “Marcellus Wallace was right.”

seriously, though. think about how much more financially comfortable you’d be right now if you bit the bullet and stayed home for a year or two after you landed your first “real” job, and how much easier it would be to buy a house now. imagine how much more of a retirement cushion your parents would have if you were around for a couple years to help them manage their bills and expenses.

and, as much as i hate to say “white people do it” when making a point, well, generally speaking…white people do it.

there are a few reasons why most of the 28-35 year old, 35-50,000 a year white teachers, social workers, and policeman i know are homeowners with actual assets while the majority of the 50-75,000 a year advanced degreed negroes i know are currently worth less than a five dollar foot long sub, and one of them is the fact that if they (and by “they” i mean most non-black people. hispanics, asians, etc all do this as well) happen to be living in the same city as their parents, they usually don’t leave home until they’re either married, co-habitating, or able to comfortably finance a house.

i guess they all saw pulp fiction.

anyway, considering the aforementioned wealth and asset info, do you think living at home (until you’re financially ready) is a good idea, or do you think it’s still definitely a stigma-worthy and growth-stifling concept? also, would you date someone who’s made this decision?

—the champ

Related posts:

1. milking the cat: the vsb do’s and don’ts of meeting the parents
2. Being That We Living The M*********** Trife Life.

saturday night, the champ was among approximately 30 or so very smart brothas and sistas (plus a token white guy, invited just in case hbo ppv required that someone with good credit co-signed the purchase of the pacquiao fight) gathered for march’s “game night”, a monthly rotating house party/excuse for pittsburgh-area professional black people to drink juice-box coronas and eat homemade meatballs while playing spades and taboo.

as you can imagine, game night is also a prime hook-up opportunity for many in attendance, as well as a great chance for those already coupled up to observe the multiple social etiquette faux pas committed by those actively looking for their next ex.

here’s a few of my favorite.

1. mr. or ms. “i haven’t figured out yet that i’m wasting my time trying to hook-up with someone who’s clearly not that interested in me”

whether its because of the alcohol or the (relatively) polite setting, there always remains a couple people so unaware of social cues that they continue with their full-court man-to-man press even though the other team is already back at the fucking hotel.

***btw, vsb’s and vss’s, if you ever think you’re in this situation, be mindful of one thing: laughter. basically, if you’re having one of those “i’m exchanging meaningless words with this person just to gauge their interest” convos and they haven’t even cracked a nervous smile or chuckled once, chances are that they probably think a wii directions manual is more interesting then you***

2. ms. “i probably should have either worn a belt or lotioned her butt crack if i planned on sitting like this all night”

a faux pas only rivaled by ms. “i have giant boobs and i’m giving all the guys too familiar hugs“ on the list of “relatively harmless things that will get a woman a seriously strong collective side-eye in a roomful of sistas”

3. mr. “i’m rocking enough unforgivable to suffocate a fuckin moose ox”

usually, this is also the same guy rocking an outfit specifically chosen to accentuate his gold bracelets, as well as the too competitive guy sweating through his shirt while playing charades

4. the “we just now realized that we’ve been talking to/sleeping with the same guy” twins

one of my favorites, along with their close cousin,

5. mr. “i should have looked at the invite list and realized that both of the chicks i’ve been sleeping with were coming so i could have stayed my ass at home“

anyway, people of vsb.com, i’m sure i’m missing a few. can you think of any other faux pas of house party hooking-up?

the floor is yours and sh*t

—the champ

Related posts:

1. enhance deez: the great artificial enhancement debate
2. Anniversary Deez: Songs That Done Been Ruint
3. Club-Bangers: 5 Songs That Are Guaranteed To Get The Party Started Right and Quickly

one of the most peculiar things about “pastor chasing” is the fact that you have no idea (and no real control) over what’s going to pop into your head while you’re doing the deed. sure, you might begin the festivities with the thought of your girlfriend or roxy reynolds or the bespectacled big booty applebee’s waitress you met last week, but your Id takes over once you get into the zone. and, as we all know, our Id’s are on crack.

sometimes the “pop-ins” are understandable (“damn. i need to go to caribana again“). sometimes they’re intriguing (“wow. who knew my subconscious had a thing for jill marie jones?“). sometimes they’re bizarre (“elastigirl?? well, she did have a fat ass. and she’s flexible“) and sometimes they’re…well…

…sometimes annie the chicken queen –the woman from the popeyes chicken commercials– pops into your head wearing nothing but an apron and bucket of butterfly shrimp, and, well, sometimes that just happens.

because its friday and i’ve already provided enough TMI this week, i won’t go into the myriad sexual, racial, and psychological undertones present with me fantasizing about a lascivious middle-aged cajun chicken-leg lady. but, i will say that this is a perfect example of the cringe-worthy fantasy–what happens when we find ourselves reluctantly sexually attracted to someone (whether its an elderly neighbor, a member of the dipset, or wanda sykes) for reasons we can’t (and don’t want to) understand or explain.

anyway, you’ve already heard enough from me. people of vsb.com, who are your cringe-worthy, “i’ll die before i tell someone i’m actually seriously attracted to this motherf*cka“, fantasies?

—the champ

Related posts:

1. the dream team
2. four completely practical and non-racist reasons why i never have and most likely never will date a white woman

one of the most peculiar aspects of being on a college basketball team is the fact that you pretty much know what everyone else on the team is working with. obviously, you’re not going to be sitting indian-style in the middle of the locker room staring at everyone’s junk, but after hundreds of practices and games and showers after those practices and games, you can’t help but know.

anyway, although cats were all shapes, sizes, and shades, no one really stood out from the pack as a source of ridicule or awe. well, no one except for derrick conners.

a 6′11 french-nigerian, from the waist down derrick was literally built like one of the tripods from “the war of the worlds.” that thing must have had its own f*cking website and mailing address.

because of derrick’s unique “condition,” we all followed an unspoken (and ego-saving) rule in regards to women he dated: thou shall not follow the footer. basically, if derrick dated someone, she was basically off-limits forever…or at least until after a couple other people dated her and gave her an opportunity to stretch her woman parts back to normal.

for those that think this is short-sighted and silly, think about it: if you’re just an above average band, you damn sure don’t want to be the one that directly follows the beatles on stage…unless, of course, you want to get booed off that bitch.

anyway, thou shall not try to directly follow the footer is just one of the many unspoken sexual commandments that we abide by, each representing sexual rules and ways of living that we never actually admit to be true, even though they are.

here’s seven more

2. if in a sexual drought, thou shall drive theeself crazy with the assumption that everyone else in the entire world is currently having the best sex anyone’s ever had

3. if in a relationship, thou shall forgo condoms when “acceptable” period of time has passed.

in this case, “acceptable period of time” is figured out by using a complex matrix involving some combination of how much time you’ve spent together, how many people you assume they’ve been with, a picture of their ex, the number of degrees you both possess, and how recently you’ve seen magic johnson on tv.

4. thou shall use masturbat1on as an efficient way to alleviate boredom, hunger, anxiety, confusion, anger, frustration, headaches, joint pain, excessive happiness, grief, loneliness, righteousness, despair, and self-esteem

***4a. when finished masturbat1ng, thou shall experience a small moment of euphoria quickly followed by intense self-loathing and regret when cleaning up***

5. if thou makes a sex tape, thou shall find a creative and unique way to accidentally misplace and/or share it with the public

6. thou shall not, under any circumstances, ever admit to having period sex

btw, “circumstances” includes any and all forms of torture (ie: waterboarding, boiling, aretha franklin bra-holding, etc)

7. thou shall blame all unexpected and unwanted pregnancies on broken condoms

8. thou shall injure thy self when attempting pr0n star acrobatics, and thou shall blame said injury on pick-up basketball or hereditary gout

***personally, my favorite is to tell people i slipped in the shower, even though i don’t know why i think “my dumb ass slipped in the shower and sprained my ankle” is less embarrassing than “i tried to lift my girl up against the wall, and i accidentally stepped on her cat. the cat bit me, and i screamed and dropped my girl on my ankle, spraining it.”***

anyway, people of VSB: can you think of any other unspoken adult sexual commandments we abide by?

don’t be scurred. we’re all family and sh*t

—the champ

Related posts:

1. the ten commandments of corny
2. The G-Code.
3. the five most underrated things about dating a sista

come on, maaaan! you know this is some bullshit.

we’ve all been there before:

obnoxiously bow-tied boy at urban league happy hour approaches girl.

girl, already tipsy and unusually horny because of a rabbit mishap that morning (she wanted to use it before work, but forgot that she needed new batteries), grabs boy’s hand before he has a chance to speak, and leads him to the dance floor.

boy and girl dance in an awkwardly familiar manner, meet later at 24-hour oyster house, leave, and have aggressively mediocre sex in girl’s cat-infested duplex, fully initiating the first steps of the half-assed forced relationship dance usually done by people too decent to just have a one night stand and bounce.

the bullshit romantic relationship —where “nice” people stay in dead-end relationships much longer than they should because, well, they’re pussies— is as much of a staple in the young urban professional community as gap body spray and gentrification.

since their manners won’t let them break up on their own, those in half-assed couplings sometimes need outside forces (whether its an attractive new neighbor, an anniversary, or the threat of a nuclear war) to convince them to end this endless coital agony, and no other avenue is as efficient at reminding them how bad their relationship is than a movie.

without further ado, here’s five movies you should watch if you want out of your half-assed relationship:

1. a history of violence

why you should watch it: in the middle of a fight, tom and edie stall (viggo mortensen and maria bello) have the type of passionate, violent, nasty, monkey-matrix sex (on wooden freakin stairs!!!) your half-assed relationship ass probably hasn’t had since the first season of house. if this doesn’t make you want to get out of your self-imposed pussy-ass relationship purgatory, nothing will.

2. 50 first dates

why you should watch it: [spoiler alert] henry roth (played by some lesbian woman impersonating adam sandler) is so in love with lucy whitmore (drew barrymore) that he 1. deads his completely implausible practice of boning random hot chicks on vacation, 2. comes up with approximately 50 elaborate schemes to repeatedly woo a woman who loses her memory every 24 hours, 3. wins over said woman’s dad, brother, and best friends, and 4. marries and impregnates said woman despite the fact that she’ll need to be remind of who he and their kid is every day for the rest of their life.

he did all that for her, and the guy you have apathetic unprotected sex with twice a month can’t even remember to pull out half the time.

3. unfaithful

why you should watch it: the plot revolves around every man’s biggest nightmare —a seemingly content girlfriend/wife having an affair with a guy much younger, handsomer, and europeaner than you are— a storyline that will undoubtedly be your future if you don’t burn that bullshit ass bridge as soon as f*cking possible.

4. chris rock: never scared

why you should watch it: the only thing more awkward than being in a half-assed relationship is sitting on the couch with your melancholy mate while you’re watching a comedian talk sh*t about half-assed relationships.

5. zombieland

why you should watch it: 1. to remind you of what you two look like to your mutual friends (a zombie), and 2. to remind you of what your mutual friends are tempted to do to you every time your lifeless, depressing ass duo invites itself to an event (chop your f*cking head off).

anyway, people of vsb.com: i’m sure i’m missing a few. can you think of any other movies that would literally force someone to end their half-assed relationship if they happened to watch them?

—the champ

Related posts:

1. are you an interracial relationship racist?
2. Some Things That You Just Shouldn’t Do In A Relationship
3. stages: three underrated relationship benchmarks

“yo, son: when you gonna stop d*ckin around and marry her ass?”

even though we all know a chick or three that would cut her closest homegirl’s throat if forced to choose between her and her man, the prevailing thought is that a woman’s girlfriends have an unparalleled influence on who she chooses to date.

in truth, a man’s best friend actually welds more power than any other third party.

noone, not his dad, his deacon, or his dealer has as much “she aint right for you, dog” veto power as a guy’s acebooncoon. even if they’re not exactly paragons of relationship health themselves, they’re usually ultra cynical genius-level bullshit detectors when it comes to who their homie happens to be dating because they knowknow you better than anyone else, and truly want you to be happy.

because of this, men need to pay extra close attention when their best friend asks em, “when you gonna stop dickin around and marry her ass?”, because any woman your best friend would actually say that about is definitely a keeper, even if you haven’t realized it.

anyway, although countless viewings of the obama calenders in our cubicles have given us an idea of what a keeper might look like, many of us wouldn’t recognize a. keeper even if she were giving us a lapdance while rocking twin “hi. i’m a. keeper” tassels on her chest.

this is even more pronounced with brothas who, educated or not, all could use a bit more help figuring out that there’s no real correlation between ring-worthiness and ass-to-waist ratio.

to help our vsb’s out, and as another example of our crime-fighting ideals, here’s four more signs that she’s probably a keeper…and you just might have to marry her ass:

1. your sex life is better than it was a year ago

why does this matter? well, an improving sex life means that you’ve grown more sexually compatible, a fact that suggests a combination of three separate things:

a) you’re communicating better

b) she’s getting more comfortable with herself and her body

c) she was patient enough to wait for you to “catch up” to her

either way, its a sign she thinks enough of you and your relationship to work to improve on something that many “grown” women (and, from what i’ve heard, men) take for granted: chicks who think that “shave”, “show up once a week” and “take off your panties” are the only reasonable relationship sexual requirements on their end.

2. she blushes when people give her genuine compliments

although, of course, if she happens to blush and coo when mr. md20/20 at the club tells her that she looks better than a five year old can of spam, maybe it’s time to re-think those joint lease plans.

3. she spends the night with you when you’re sick

i’ve always found it amazing that the same woman who needs to call the national guard to help her kill a baby spider in her apartment will happily volunteer to spend the night with a guy with amoebic dysentery if she cares enough about him.

4. she’s a great tipper

they say that character is best defined by how you behave when you think noone is looking. they also said that the hangover would actually be funny. basically, they are full of shit.

anyway, when you consider a typical woman’s relationship with money, a woman willing to generously and graciously tip a person who many others would deem to be a social subordinate says a lot about her character, constitution, and potential willingness to occasionally sleep in the wet spot, all valued qualities of a keeper.

people of vsb.com, did i miss anything? can you think of any more signs that a woman might be “wife material”?

the carpet is yours.

—the champ

Related posts:

1. link of the week: “why men marry some women and not others”
2. milk was a bad choice: 10 signs that you’re in a sh*tty relationship
3. bonkers: five signs you’re dealing with a crazy-ass bastard

while i was sitting with a female friend last week at my favorite place to people watch and steal wi-fi, an interracial couple (think of a much shorter, darker-skinned isaiah mustafa¹ [the old spice commercial guy] with a younger, curvier, taller, and straighter² mariska hargitay) walked in, ordered a couple smoothies, and left.

my friend, who’s usually all kumbaya when it comes to interracial dating, watched them leave, punched me in the shoulder and said:

“champ, if this were a tyler perry movie, this is when my character would roll her eyes and ask you something like “what the hell do brothas see in becky’s?” Then, a keyshia cole song would come on with a slow-motion montage of  black men and white women ice skating and eating ice cream together while a group of sad-looking sistas drank mojitos at the bar by themselves.

anyway, omnipotent relationship guru: even though this aint a movie…give me four good reasons why he’s with her instead of all of this nubian loveliness.”

my answer? (paraphrasing)

1. your breath stinks

2. you just used “nubian” in a sentence

3. she probably smells like almond torte cake

4. he already was with you. you’ve just been with so many men that you can’t remember

although my friend and i were obviously joking, her question stuck with me.

i mean, even considering the fact that you can’t possibly know why some anonymous person chose to be with someone else, and that we all know that black men are much more likely to date black women than “others,” if i had a dollar for every time i’ve read or overheard the “why is he with her?” discussion, i’d have enough to buy the winter olympics a dozen token blacks.

usually, the answers given range from insulting (“cause educated black bitches ain’t shit“) to just plain freakin weird (“white woman never run out of syrup“), fitting into whichever pre-conceived accusatory racial or sexual narrative is popular that week.

but, in every discussion i’ve encountered, they always seem to ignore the three most common (and practical) reasons why he is with a white woman:

1. she (the non-black woman) was around. you (the black woman) weren’t.

when talking to the black male friends i have who’ve dated interracially, the vast majority of them end up saying the exact same thing in regards to their dating habits, a thought process that represents the biggest difference in the way a (typical) black man and (typical) black woman approach “dating out.”

of course i’m attracted to sistas. but, honestly there just aren’t that many where i happen to work/live/go to school.

basically, the typical relationship-minded sista forced to live in place where brothas are scarce will do one of three things:

a) do the half-assed long-distance relationship thing with the last black man who took her on more than one and a half dates

b) save so she can travel whenever she can to places where black men might be

c) not date

on the other hand, the typical brotha might do the “damn, where the hell are all the sistas???” mope for about three weekends, until he finally relents and accepts his co-workers invitation to polka karaoke night.

after the third jagermeister, all bets and loyalties to AKAs are off.

2. he’s very much attracted to black women. but, the black women he’s able to attract and date aren’t as physically attractive as the “others” who are attracted to him.

whether it’s because of their personalities, interests, occupations, or whatever, sometimes educated black men end up dating “other” women because they’re better looking than the sistas he’s able to bag. mind you, this isn’t suggesting that other women are inherently better looking than black women, just that, for whatever reason, some guys aren’t given access to pick-of-the-litter sistas, and they would understandably rather be with an other “9″ than a black “6.”

lemme put it this way: because of his height-issues (dude must have been 5′3”, tops), there’s no way in hell that the aforementioned old spice guy doppelganger would have had access to a sista as tall and attractive as the woman he walked into the coffee shop with. take that however you want to.

3. they’re actually meant for each other.

i know it seems odd, but in my many travels i’ve found that it is actually possible for a black man and a non-black woman to be genuinely attracted to and compatible with each other and that it’s also possible for that attraction and compatibility to be completely devoid of any undertones of interracial fantasy.

strange, right?

¹on the somewhat racist list of “famous black guys who have names that make them sound much more “black” than they actually look”, barack obama is 1st, isaiah mustafa is 2nd,  denzel washington is 3rd, and farnsworth bentley is 224th

²i know she’s not gay, even though my mom still swears that she is

—the champ

Related posts:

1. four completely practical and non-racist reasons why i never have and most likely never will date a white woman
2. five completely selfish reasons why i’ve never cheated
3. bagging the bangingest: how to attract a black woman

you’d think i was an expert when i came to the opposite sex

i mean, between my female fam, my great little cousin (happy birthday, homie) my numerous “not really all that platonic” friends, my old girlfriends, the crazy mocha baristas ive befriended, my verysmartness, and the biweekly¹ wisdom i spit, you’d think i’d know everything i needed to know about women by now.

i mean, sure, i know more than most. i know that when it doubt, compliment her hair. i can unclapse a bra with one hand in under 37 seconds, and, on a good day, i can even guess exactly when their period is due, give or take 2-3 weeks.

sadly, there’s some shit about women that i still just don’t get, stuff that goes completely over my otherwise verysmart head, and i need answers now!

1. considering the fact that i strain so much that i partially tear my achelles tendon every freakin time i put on a pair of tims, how the hell do you fit your feet into these…

…without dislocating your ankles?

2. (generally speaking) why does your taste in movies (generally) suck walrus d*ck? also, when you went to the d*ck store to decide which animal’s privates your taste in movies would suck, why did you have to overachieve and choose a walrus? why not something smaller like a cat or a ferret?

3. how the hell did your legs get so gotdamn strong?

*seriously, it doesn’t matter if she’s 5′1” and 85 pounds. if you get in a “play wrestling” match with a woman, any woman, and she manages to get her legs around you, its a wrap. just give up. with the exception of danny glover’s face, there’s nothing on earth stronger than a woman’s thigh grip, and any resistance at that point is futile.*

4. (generally speaking, again) why do you make so much more noise than we do during sex? i mean, as great as sex feels, i can’t imagine the getting being so good that it makes me wake the neighbors two blocks away, and i’d be scared to death of some vagina that made me convulse for four minutes and cry

seriously, if sex felt as good for us as you all make it sound and look, every man on the planet would die in a week from starvation and sleep-deprivation because we’d literally masturbate 24 hours straight every day until we were dead².

*btw, please don’t assume that me asking about the noise you make means that we don’t like it. please, continue to bring the muthaf*ckin noise*

5. you all hardly ever take shits, so how do you all manage to go through so much toilet paper? seriously, ya’ll go through more rolls than a fat kid at red lobster, and i’m curious how and why you’re able to do this.

6. why don’t you just tell us whats wrong when we first ask “whats wrong?”? and, if we take your “nothing” answer at face value and stop asking whats wrong, why do you get even more upset that we’re not asking you whats wrong anymore?

also, to save time and energy, is their any other initial question or code word or phrase we can ask in lieu of “whats wrong?” that’ll actually get you all to tell us whats wrong the first time we ask it? will “pass the jello” work? how about if we just say “jack mcbrayer”?

7. how do you always manage to pick the player and/or team to root for that will irritate us the most?

8. generally speaking, we’re smelly, hairy, and ugly egomaniac assholes. why aren’t you all lesbians? i mean, i get the whole advancing mankind thing. but, if i were forced to sleep next to this every night for 40 years…

…mankind could go f*ck itself

can somebody give me some freakin answers, please?

also, people of vsb.com, is there anything about the opposite sex that you still just don’t get, and would like to know?

¹is it biweekly or bimonthly when you’re trying to describe something that happens twice a month? i’d google this and find out, but i’m afraid google will respond with “n*gga, didnt you teach high school english for 4 years? shouldn’t you know this already? no wonder my nephew, twitter, cant read or write”

²this is no hyperbole.

—the champ

Related posts:

1. lost in translation: what men usually hear when women are talking to us
2. the top five annoying (yet endearing) things women only do if they’re into you
3. the compass: the vsb guide to what men really mean when they’re talking to you