Very Smart Brothas » the champ

Dear Champ (Vol 2): How do men really feel about women and their hair?

The Champ — Thu, 02 Sep 2010 04:01:15 +0000

If you were not aware, the new hair wave with black women is the desire and the act of going natural. Including myself. Since going natural, the way i’ve been treated and my interaction with the other gender has changed drastically. I won’t say whether good or bad. I will say that there has been a change overall in every aspect of my life….

So the question I pose is this: How do men really feel about women and their hair? The ‘Natural’ thing? Weaves? Relaxer? Braids? etc etc… Or does a real man even really care? I’m not sure if this is a topic you all have touched on already, but I am anxious to hear your thoughts.

There are two ways to answer this question, and because I’m feeling particularly magnanimous today, I’ve decided to share both.

The easy, Black Blog Tea Party appeasing answer: Stop trippin, sis. Whether it came from your own scalp or Shamika’s House of Indian Hair and Waffles, it’s your hair, and you can do whatever the hell you want to it. Don’t allow yourself to be so caught up with how men perceive you that you lose yourself in a minefield of archaic heteronormative expectation. Plus, real men, manly men, don’t give a damn about your hair, and those who do are just weak-minded and insecure agents for the on-going feminization of male culture. You think Malcolm gave a damn whether Betty wanted to rock cornrows? You think Barack would have stopped sweating Michelle if he happened to see a couple tracks?

The VerySmart answer: Hair matters, and men care about women’s hair. Generally speaking, men like “nice” hair, and nice could mean natural, weaves, relaxers, braids, or even baldys. But, how each man defines “nice” is determined by each individual man, and each of us have our own particular hair-related likes and dislikes. (Personally, I tend to be drawn to women with “safe” and relatively low-maintenance hairstyles, and I’m usually not a big fan of a ton of hair)

And while there is no “right” or wrong “hairstyle”, I’d be remiss if I didn’t say there might possibly be a right or wrong hairstyle to attract the type of man you’re interested in. As stated in “How Your Look Affects Your Luck”, we’re usually attracted to certain “types” of women, and way a woman wears her hair makes a difference in how she’s initially regarded because many of us associate certain do’s with certain personalities.

Also, from a purely aesthetic viewpoint, some head shapes and facial structures just don’t go with certain hairstyles, and I’ve seen women make the mistake of assuming that a guy wasn’t into a particular hairstyle when the truth was that he just wasn’t into that particular hairstyle on her. This is true for men and women though. For instance, I’d never shave my head because I just don’t have the head shape to rock a baldy without perpetual ridicule, and I’d look distinctly different (and quite rhesus monkey-ish) without my beard and mustache as well.

When beginning to date, is it better to let a dude know that he is in competition with others or make him think he is the only one (without lying, of course)?

This is tricky. You probably don’t want to just come out and say “You know, I just found out last night that there really is room for two in the men’s stalls at The Cheesecake Factory” in mid-date discussion, but you also don’t want to give him the impression that he’s the damn fool on the date with the chick nobody wants.

The best way to handle this is to let him think you might have other suitors without actually saying it or even implying it. Don’t bring it up, but if he asks about your Saturday plans and you already have a date with another man that Saturday, just tell him you’re “busy”. If he presses, remind him he’s new and that your business is none of his.

CHAMP had sex with a guy, not thinking much of it, but now I WANT MORE AND MORE. . Is there any chance of a relationship AND THIS IS MY FIRST TIME WITH A BLACK MAN I AM WHITE FEMALE.I REALLY LIKE HIM ALOT, BUT I FEEL I AM COMEN ON TO STRONG .

If this email is any indication of how strong you might be coming on, even the zombies in 28 Days Later would tell you to slow down a bit.

I’m tired of meeting a guy, giving him my number, and he text messages me. No phone calls just texts! Or if we have a great first date and then all he does is text message me after that. What’s up with that?

If you would have asked this question a couple years ago, I probably would have said something about how this lack of social decorum is a sign that he’s either too immature to be taken seriously and/or that he obviously doesn’t respect or value you enough to continue dating him.

Although this still might be true, I’ve come to realize that the text message has completely overtaken the telephone as the main form of communication for many people. And, while I do think it’s a bit odd to text a woman you’ve just met instead of calling her, the vast majority of these people text out of habit and convenience, not rudeness or disinterest. What long-term effect this will have on our culture remains to be seen, but if it’s really an issue for you, send him one reply stating that you’d prefer to actually hear his voice instead of the new text message alert. If he still refuses to call, then, well, you have your answer.

Champ when my girl catches the big one, she starts crying which totally freaks me out and turns me off. What should I do? Should I hold back?

Take your girl to church this Sunday. While you’re there, steal a Bible. After you get back home, take the Bible in the bedroom by yourself, and get down on your knees to thank God for placing this woman in your life. Repeat this process everyday for the next 35 years (give or take a decade or so)

If this doesn’t work, send two high-definition pictures of your girl and her email address to contact@verysmarbrothas.com so I can auction off her contact info. I’m thinking about buying a new car, and the money I’ll make from this should probably cover the down payment.

*You can contact Dear Champ at Formspring.me/AskChamp and contact@verysmartbrothas.com*

—The Champ

Why Kanye Matters so Gotdamn Much

The Champ — Wed, 01 Sep 2010 04:02:50 +0000

Panama: so i know a lot of women who absolutely love kanye west and i can honestly say i dont get it. like i cant tell if they want to be with him? or if his swag is attractive to them or what…

kanye being an attractive human being is an oddity to me

Champ: i think they like what he produces and what he’s capable of producing more than anything else

the art more than the artist

i mean, i guess that explains why guys like paul mccartney and lyle lovett have had their pick of beautiful women

the idea of kanye matters more than he does

well, not more, but just as much

women love big ideas and potential more than they love us, lol

and kanye is a big f*cking idea

Panama: that is true

Champ: but yeah, you’re right. he’s a sex symbol who women don’t seem to want to have sex with

its weird. i’ve never believed any of the “kanye’s gay” rumors, but i have a hard time believing he was sleeping with amber rose, or anyone for that matter

Panama: good point

Champ: but, he’s also admitted to a porn addiction, and i’ve heard from a few sources that he’s not particularly shy about whipping it out in public, lol

Panama: apparently a lot of guys aren’t

i’ve had chicks tell me numerous times of dudes i know who they’ve been with on some one-on-one hang shit and dude will just pull his shit out

Champ: i knew a guy in college who’d hand women business cards with a pic of him holding his wang

i always wondered who took those pictures for him

Panama: lol

Midway through our latest podcast, I made a completely extemporaneous remark about Kanye West being one of the most important black people in the world; a statement so extemporaneous and unexpected you can hear the shock in my own voice when I said it. This surprise was largely based on the fact that I didn’t believe a single word of what I had just said.

But, because the verbal edit button–a device allowing you to delete reckless things you’ve said before anyone actually hears it–hasn’t been invented yet, I went full speed ahead, citing Kanye’s pandemic effect on our culture as proof of my statement’s truth. Surprisingly, the more I spoke, the more I realized this theory wasn’t that far fetched. Culture–the way we behave, how we interact, and what we believe–f*cking matters. And, regardless of how superficial you consider their particular contributions to be, our living and breathing cultural determinants–our Jay-Zs’, our Kardashians, our Beyonces–f*cking matter too.

Kanye, his brand of unabashed and simultaneously insecure self-confidence, and the art this volatile mixture created, has done more to spearhead this current era of hip-hop androgyny we live in than any other entity. Ironically, this makes him a bit of a throwback. His visceral emoting and occasional bouts of hyper-heterosexual aggression hearken back to the 80′s, when lascivious and sexually ambiguous performers such as Prince, Madonna, Cyndi Lauper, and Boy George ruled the airwaves. I’m not suggesting Kanye is in fact bi or homosexual, but his particular type of emotiveness is unlike any we’ve seen in hip-hop, and by osmosis he’s helped to pave the way to mainstream acceptance and embrace for (among other things) Drake, skinny jeans, Lady Gaga, Rhianna, blazers, Nicky Minaj, eyeglasses, B.O.B., blogging (yes. blogging), Lil Wayne, frohawks, and Twitter.

Despite all of this, I’ve always wondered what exactly it is about Kanye that allows him to wield such a cultural influence. How the hell does this tiny guy from the Chi have so much power? While his persona is (somewhat) original in a hip-hop context, the characteristics contributing to this persona are completely unoriginal. His critically lauded sample-heavy and soulful production is somewhat of a copy of music the RZA was making in 1995. While he’s definitely improving as a rapper, he’ll never be confused for a “natural” like a Nas or even a Scarface. And, by the time “The College Dropout” was released, the emotive eccentricity and eclecticism he’s known for had already been “done” (and, arguably, done better) by Andre 3000. He’s basically an HD compatible betamax.

The insane buzz over his two relatively underwhelming new singles (“Power” and “Hear Me Now”. Although, I have to admit I love “Hear Me Now” and the “Power” remix) have helped me figure it out: It’s not Kanye himself as much as it’s the idea of Kanye–and what we think he’s capable of–that matters so gotdamn much. This explains why each of his albums (even the sucky ones I eventually allowed to grow on me) are cultural landmarks even among those who love hip-hop but hate him and/or his music. This helps me understand how we’ve allowed a man who has made entire albums based around the idea that college is a sham and publicly admitted to not reading books (ha!) to be the de facto musical spokesperson for the young and college educated African-American. This even explains why (many) women are completely infatuated by him despite the fact that they probably wouldn’t sleep with him if given the chance.

With Kanye, it’s not so much about who he is or what he’s accomplished as much as it’s who we want him to be and what he just might do. While he has definitely produced, the power we’ve given him lies in the fact that his otherworldly range of personality makes him potential personified, and this makes him completely unstable and completely impervious to prediction—exactly like culture. He’s a living and breathing cultural cipher for our Id’s and expectations (whatever they might be), and he matters so gotdamn much because we need him to.

—The Champ

***By the way, If you haven’t done so yet, check out “The Black Blog Tea Party“, The Champ’s latest piece at Clutch Magazine***

“Will you ask to bite my burger even if there’s still food on your plate?” and 5 More Crucial Questions Men Need to Start Asking Before We Decide to Commit

The Champ — Tue, 31 Aug 2010 04:06:41 +0000

: I’m smiling now, but reach for my steak and you just might lose a finger.

I’m a nice guy.

Not nice in a pandering for panties way, or even nice in a “Well, I haven’t been incarcerated since Easter of ’07, so that must mean I’m a pretty nice guy” way, but genuinely nice. Seriously. I’m a true point guard. I’m conscious and considerate of other’s feelings. I’m loved by animals, kids, cops, and 40-something cougars. I’m so rarely angered that sometimes, I’ll even pretend that I’m mad just to show a person they’ve done something most people would find upsetting, even if I personally don’t. I always tip. Generously. Random mousy white women ask me for cigarettes and directions. Middle aged men at basketball courts ask me for advice about their sons and make plans to introduce me to their nieces. (I usually decline. Nicely, though) I share and I care and sh*t.

But, although I’ve been blessed with this avalanche of unusually consistent (and relatively useless) niceness, there are a few things (prunes, the month of October, the moon, Entourage, etc) I unabashedly hate, and nothing draws my ire more than when people ask to eat food off my plate.

My girlfriend likes to eat food off of my plate.

As you’ve probably inferred, this presents quite an issue for me. Our relationship is great in pretty much every other way, but when we’re eating together and she asks for a bite of my pizza–despite the fact that there are six perfectly healthy slices of pizza sitting in a box five freakin feet away–we might as well be Kat Stacks and Carmelo Anthony. Luckily, I’ve recently learned a bit of subterfuge. You see, she hates when I ask for a slip of whatever she’s drinking. (The nerve!!!) Now, whenever she asks for a bite of my burger, I calmly grant her request, and then mentally giggle two minutes later when I ask for a slip of her Vitamin Water and watch her reluctantly appease. Sure it’s not a win, but a lose/lose is better than nothing.

Although I still probably would have decided to pursue a relationship, I wonder how much different things would be today if I asked “Will you ask to bite my burger even if there’s still food on your plate?” when we first met. If anything I would have had a bit more time to plot a counter strategy and attack.

Anyway, while the burger biting situation is relatively insignificant, there are a few crucial, yet somewhat ignored, questions every man should ask before entering a relationship, typically unasked questions where the answer can be the difference between persistent headaches and perpetual happiness.

1. “Can you make yourself climax?”

Why this is important to ask: As flaky and indecisive as the female orgasm already is, entering a relationship with a grown and sexually active woman (virgins are excused) possessing a less than fisher-price understanding of and/or level of comfort with her own parts is like trying to bake a chocolate cake in a DVD player: It sounds like a good idea, at least until you start attracting mice.

And, since her lack of enjoyment probably ensures that she’ll start to look at sex as just another mundane relationship duty to be fulfilled, you’ll probably start to hate it (and her) too.

2. “Do you have good looking friends?”

Why this is important to ask: Actually, since we’ve already established numerous times (Yes. Numerous times) that women aren’t to be trusted when gauging the physical attractiveness of other women, you probably shouldn’t ask this question. Still, you need to do your own reconnaissance work to determine how attractive her friends are, just so you know in advance which ones to be nice to and befriend, and which ones you’re supposed to greet with a handshake or a one-armed deacon hug.

3. “Are you crazy?”

Why this is important to ask: If she immediately says “No”, she’s a liar and a gotdamn nutcase. If she immediately says ‘Yes”, she’s honest and a gotdamn nutcase. If she answers your question with another question (ie: “Why? Are you crazy, n*gga?“) or an adverb phrase (ie: “Only after the lights are on“) she’s a keeper.

4. “Where do you see yourself five years from now?”

Why this is important to ask: Even if she has no freakin clue about the answer to this question, most women worth their salt would will give you the same elevator speech they’ve been perfecting for a decade now.

“Well, first, when I’m done with my MBA, I plan to found my own Afrocentric container store company called “Kinte Cups“. I haven’t quite decided where I’m going to relocate though. Right now, I have it narrowed to either Richmond, VA or Jakarta, but…”

Again, even if she has absolutely no damn clue where she’s going to be 5 days from now, she’ll usually still give you that answer because she wants to give off the impression that she has all of her sh*t together, and isn’t planning on waiting on any man. Even if this is a lie, it’s a good sign that she’s willing to at least give the impression that she has and will continue to have a life outside of you.

But, if she says anything even close to “Hmmm, I don’t know. I’m kind of taking things one day at a time, playing it by ear, you know? We’ll see.”, run!!!!!!!

5. “Who is your ex?”

Why this is important to ask: Some acts are hard to follow. And some, well, some you just don’t want to follow.

That’s it for now, but I’m sure I’m missing a few. Guys, help me out here. Can you think of any other crucial (and usually unasked) questions you should ask before deciding to commit?

Also, ladies, you’re not getting off easy today. Are there any questions you should start forcing guys to answer before you agree to commit to us?

The carpet is yours.

—The Champ

A Mad Men-Induced Conversation About the Definition of Cheating

The Champ — Mon, 30 Aug 2010 04:01:56 +0000

“I guess it occurs whenever one person in a relationship does something with the opposite sex that their mate wouldn’t approve of. Basically, it’s cheating if you feel the need to hide what you’re doing and cover your tracks. If you know your dude is sleeping around and you rather he didn’t, but you don’t think infidelity is a big deal, that’s not cheating. Chlamydia? Yes. Cheating? No.”

“You’re obsessed with The Clap. You would have fit right in at Sterling Cooper”

“Huh?”

“Every time you have the opportunity to randomly name drop a venereal disease in conversation, you choose chlamydia. Syphilis gets no love from you. What did syphilis do to deserve this treatment? Did syphilis forget to send you a Christmas card last year?”

“Actually, gonorrhea is ‘The Clap’. Chlamydia is just, well, chlamydia.”

“You sure? That doesn’t make any euphemistic sense. Plus, alliteration makes STD’s much more fun.”

“Stop asking questions, and stop trying to use big words to deflect from the fact that your stupid ass didn’t know gonorrhea was “The Clap”. Anyway, you never said if you agree with my definition of cheating. Makes sense, doesn’t it?”

“No. It makes even less sense than The Clap. If you compiled all the sh*t I do with the opposite sex that I hide from my girlfriend because I know she wouldn’t approve, it would be enough to fit in…a…big ass box that stores shit you hide from girlfriends. She probably wouldn’t have approved of the five minutes I spent today googling names of women I met in Caribana in 2002 just to see if they were still alive. She probably wouldn’t have approved of the face I made last week when the surprisingly thick chick with the Jewish fro at Sephora bent over to reach a bottle of Escada Sentiment for me. She definitely wouldn’t approve of half the daily conversations I have with women, including this one. Seriously, the only way “my girlfriend finding out about this conversation” wouldn’t equal “an argument that could only be settled with five consecutive days of shower cunnilingus” is if I told her you were a lesbian. And, even then it probably wouldn’t matter. My point is that I try very hard not to reveal any of that stuff to her, but nothing I’ve done would be considered to even be in the same ballpark as cheating by any sane and rational person. I’m no saint, but I’m definitely not no Don Draper either. And, I know most women aren’t sane and rational, but for the sake of the discussion, lets pretend”

“You’re funny. Seriously, you’re almost half as funny as you already think you are. I guess this makes you Peter Campbell.”

“Thanks! See, I just think there’s a huge distinction between “Cheating” and “Inappropriate, but ultimately harmless behavior“. There’s no forgiving cheating. And, since infidelity is the only behavior I wouldn’t approve, it’s only cheating if it’s actual sex. It’s my only unconditional dealbreaker.”

“I thought being a Laker fan was an unconditional dealbreaker for you.”

“Well, that too. But, short of actual sex, I’d be willing to at least entertain an excuse for any other behavior. I mean, if I found out she drunkenly kissed a disabled sailor at a New Years Eve party, I probably wouldn’t consider that to be cheating. In fact, once I put her through a couple months of passive-aggressive hell, I’d applaud her for her altruism. It’s tough for vets these days, yanno?”

“So, if you found out your girl gave Shaq a naked lap dance, you’d be ok with it as long as he didn’t break the seal?”

“Hell no”

“Why not? That contradicts everything you just said. I mean, that’s short of sex, and since they didn’t have sex, in your book that’s not cheating, right?”

“True. But, Shaq used to play for the Lakers.”

—The Champ

Black Card Denied: Stereotypically “Black” Things You’re Just Not That Into

The Champ — Fri, 20 Aug 2010 04:01:02 +0000

“You’ve never rocked a doo-rag before? Ever?”

This question came about yesterday as a friend and I were having a nuanced discussion about the peculiarity surrounding the idea of blackness. Wait, that’s a lie. We were actually talking about something called a “Dr. Laura Schlessinger“, and the conversation somehow segued to an analysis of women with mustaches (and which occupations they’re most likely to have), morphed to a debate about old men with baby hair, and finally landed on Cheese from”The Wire”. (don’t ask)

As any fan of “The Wire” will tell you, Cheese–a mid-level East Baltimore drug dealer played by Method Man–was perpetually doo-ragged up. In fact, I don’t think there was a single moment in five seasons where Cheese appeared without a doo-rag or hoodie on his head. Anyway, while discussing Cheese’s contribution to the show, my friend made a reference to the acne a loose do0-rag can cause (for the laymen: if you leave the strings hanging down, they can irritate your skin), and that it would be difficult to be taken seriously if you were a drug dealer with adult acne. My reply:

“I wouldn’t know. I’ve never attempted to sell drugs in East Baltimore, and I’ve never rocked a doo-rag”

“What? I don’t believe you”

“You’ve known me for 10 years. When have you ever seen me attempt to sell drugs in East Baltimore?”

“I’m talking about the doo-rag, d*ckhead. You’ve never rocked a doo-rag before? Ever?”

“Nope”

“You sure you’re black, right?”

“No, but my d*ck is definitely black. Ask your wife”

“You might not be black, but you’re definitely gay”

Gayness aside, I was telling the truth. I’ve never rocked a doo-rag or stocking cap before, but for good reason(s)

A) Due to one of my great, great, great Native American second cousins, I was able to get waves without having to wear one.

B) Because of my head size/shape insecurities as a youth, I (rightly) assumed that wearing one would make my head look like a condom.

Anyway, this conversation made me think of a few more stereotypically “black” things I’ve just never really been that into, parts of standard American blackness I’ve never experienced, and other things that might jeopardize my black card membership if word ever got back to the committee.

I’ve never seen Love Jones, Love and Basketball, The Golden Child, The Last Dragon, The Wood, Booty Call, Hav Plenty, and anything Tyler Perry. I finally watched The Color Purple for the first time two years ago, and I’m close to 122% certain I won’t be watching Precious any time in the pre-apocalyptic future.

My reasons for not seeing any of these movies vary from “it just doesn’t look any good” (The Golden Child) to “He’s 5’6 in heels. How the hell am I supposed to believe he’s a great basketball player?” (Love and Basketball)

I’ve never been to Atlanta

Although, thanks to YouTube (NSFW!), I have been to Strokers numerous times.

None of my friends in Pittsburgh have any kids

Wait, let me rephrase that. None of my friends in Pittsburgh have any kids they know of.

Seriously though, I realize some people might find this–there are entire crews of childless, 25 to 35 year old black people floating around–hard to believe, but it’s true. I actually have a theory about how black people with kids and black people without kids usually travel in completely separate social circles, and I’d expound upon it if I actually gave a damn.

I always hated Good Times

The entire premise was depressing, none of the jokes were funny, and I could never make the Bob Beamon-esque leap that John Amos and Esther Rolle would have been able to overlook the 932 year age gap between them to form a loving couple. 900 years? Maybe. But, not 932. That’s just pushing it.

I’ve never purchased an R&B album

Unless, of course, you include Ghostdini the Wizard of Poetry.

I grew up in Southwestern Pennsylvania, went to a predominately white college, played a sport, and only slept with one white woman

And, to be perfectly honest, she was somewhat thick before it was cool for snizzles to be thick–her nickname was “Jabba The Butt“– so she didn’t really count.

I haven’t worn a pair of sunglasses in at least a decade

I’m including this even though I’m not exactly sure how “black” sunglasses really are. Basically, sunglasses are exactly like Rashida Jones in “Parks and Recreation”

I’ve never drank an entire 40

Honestly, I’ve never understood how people can do this. I mean, I can’t even drink 40 ounces of water in one sitting, so how the hell do people drink 40 ounces of beer? Are beer drinkers born with extra stomachs? Is the beer in 40s like cotton candy where it evaporates as soon as it hits your mouth? Is there a prize at the bottom of a 40 bottle? Like, is there a pocket-sized Kenya Moore waiting at the bottom of the bottle for you to rescue her from her foamy hell? Someone (preferably someone from south central Los Angeles) please explain this to me.

I’ve never shot dice

But, unfortunately…

My house has been shot at…

…which basically makes up for everything else on the list.

Okay, that’s enough from me. VSB.com, can you name any stereotypically black things you’ve never experienced, parts of universally accepted black culture you’re really just not that into?

The floor is yours.

—The Champ aka No Alias (because aliases are a bit too black to)

5 Reasons Why The NBA is Better Than The NFL

The Champ — Thu, 19 Aug 2010 04:01:09 +0000

I started calling myself “The Champ” in February of 2006, a week or so after the Pittsburgh Steelers won Super Bowl XL. At first it was a bit of tongue-in-cheek homage to a Bill Simmons joke–after he won a fantasy football championship, he started referring to himself as “The Champ” for a year –but the name (obviously) stuck with me. I didn’t mind though. The Steelers have so permeated my fabric that the idea of permanently adopting a Steeler-based pseudonym seemed (and still seems) perfectly normal.

But, as this NFL season approaches, I’ve come to realize my affection for the black and gold isn’t extended to the league as a whole. Sure, I enjoy watching professional football, but when the Steelers aren’t playing, it doesn’t completely consume me in the way it does much of America. Wait, let me rephrase that. It doesn’t completely consume me in the way the NBA does.

You know, it’s interesting being a diehard NBA fan these days. Despite the fact that everything from the overall talent level to the television ratings has been steadily increasing for the past decade, the league is still faced with a ton of negative (and contradictory) PR¹.

Depending on who you talk to, there’s either too much defense or too much offense, the games are too boring or the games are too filled with highlights, the players are too soft or the players are too thuggish, the league is too Euro or the league is too urban, and usually these pointed complaints are made by people who say they don’t actually watch the games.

Seriously, defending the NBA today is like dating a great woman who everyone thinks has been around, even though nobody has ever actually met anyone she’s been with.

Admittedly, I have a few biases. I’ve made no secret of the fact that I played college basketball. Also, my father (and one of my uncles) played college ball as well, my closest friend coaches pro ball in Europe, and I have a cousin who’s played in the NBA. I’m a stone-cold hoops junkie surrounded by stone-cold hoops junkies.

Biases aside, it’s still easy for me to find 5 reasons why the NBA is just better than the NFL.

1. The players have actual power

In the NFL, the (primarily black) athletes are the working class while the (overwhelmingly white) coaches, management, and ownership serve as the aristocracy. In this dynamic, with the exception of a few white quarterbacks (ie: Favre, Manning, Brady, Brees), the players wield no power. None.

A great example of this general powerlessness is occurring in New York City right now, as grossly underpaid Jets cornerback Darrelle Revis (arguably the best defensive player in football) deserves a lucrative new contract, but the team is under no obligation (or pressure) to appease him. He has no real leverage, and because of this, he’ll probably end up signing a new contract paying him maybe 50% of what his services are worth (as opposed to the current contract paying him 15% of what he’s worth), even though he knows since NFL contracts aren’t guaranteed, they could release him at any point during the contract and not pay him a dime. (They wouldn’t do that, but they could)

Regardless of how you feel about Lebron James and his ill-conceived decision show, you have to admit he took advantage of every ounce of his personal leverage to achieve his desired result. While Lebron’s situation is an extreme example, no other professional athletes are as self-aware as NBA players, and in no other team sport are black professional athletes afforded the same opportunity to take advantage of this self-awareness. They know they’re valuable commodities with a finite window of earning power, and they act accordingly because they have leverage. They have power.

2. The best team always wins the championship

In the National Football League, a team can sneak into the playoffs after winning approximately half of their regular season games, catch a couple of somewhat lucky breaks, and make it all the way to the Super Bowl. With a few more lucky breaks, they can win the Super Bowl. While this unpredictable parity is usually lauded as one of the best things about the NFL, it’s completely unfair, completely wrong, and easily one of my least favorite things about the league. (I’m not the only one who feels this way, btw)

Seriously, imagine if other fields were set up similarly to the NFL (and the NCAA tournament). Think about how unfair school would be if a person who earned D minuses all semester long was able to get an “A” for the year if he just got a couple B pluses on his last two exams.

With its best-of-seven game playoff series format, the NBA ensures that flukey sh*t like this doesn’t occur. It’s the only true meritocracy in sports. The best teams, the teams most deserving of winning, usually win. If you want to win in the NBA playoffs, you have to actually go and get better. You can’t rely on bad weather or lucky breaks to help your cause.

If a team gets hot, catches a few lucky breaks, and beats the favored team, great! Good for you. Now, do it three more times if you want to advance.

3. Bigots hate it

The one infallible lesson we’ve learned in our 400 years in this country is if bigots universally hate something, that something is usually a great thing. From slavery and women’s suffrage to Manhattan and Michelle Obama, this test has never been wrong. Seriously, if you’re ever confused about where you should stand on a controversial topic or issue, just ask the nearest bigot and do the exact opposite of what he suggests and you’ll be right as rain. And, since bigots unanimously hate the NBA (seriously. if you ever want to find out if someone’s a racist, ask him to share his thoughts about the NBA), there’s obviously an inherent super positive quality about professional basketball that NFL stans just haven’t recognized yet.

4. Skill matters

Why is this true? Well, just let me put it this way: Dwyane Wade. Lebron James. Derrick Rose. Nate Robinson. Shannon Brown. Rajon Rondo. These are just a few of the dozens of NBA players who have the athletic chops to be able to retire from the NBA today, and get signed by an NFL team tomorrow.

The number of NFL players who could do the same? Zero

I’m not suggesting NFL players aren’t extremely skilled at their crafts, and I’m not attempting to minimize the amount of energy and work it takes to be a professional football player. But, as any athlete will tell you, it’s much more difficult to make an NBA roster than an NFL team because pro-level basketball is much more difficult to play than pro-level football.

Don’t believe me? Well it can’t be too difficult to make the roster in a sport where this guy..

…is a number one draft pick.

5. Each player matters too

From the otherworldlyness of Ron Artest to the perpetually petulant Kobe Bryant, each NBA player has a unique personality, skill set, and narrative. Even marginal players–like a Rafer Alston or Delonte West–have their own distinct and distinguishable qualities, and each of these characteristics are easily seen by the public.

And, while the NFL tries to sell you on the concept that it’s the only true team sport, the one place where each individual part matters as much as the next, in reality the National Football League is comprised of a few superstars (the aforementioned quarterbacks and a few other marquee players) and a bunch of anonymous and interchangeable drones.

There are no personalities, just 32 mega corporations each headed by 30 to 35 year old white males who rule over a bunch of throwaway parts. This is strongly and sadly evidenced by the very real fact that, as long as it’s people like Chris Henry and Andre Waters dying, nobody seems to care that the NFL is turning its players into mush brained zombies.

Damn, I guess this truly makes the NFL America’s game. But, it doesn’t make it better.

¹My three favorites theories about why the NBA gets so much negative P.R.

A) There hasn’t been a white American basketball superstar since Larry Bird, and the fact that there’s no one for middle America to really root for cultivates a general disinterest with much of (white) America. There are no Mississippi farm boys (Favre), royal families (The Mannings), or superstar heartthrobs (Brady). This isn’t racist. It’s just hard for many to get behind a sport when you feel like you can’t relate to any of the players. In turn, this disinterest eventually turns into distaste.

B) For almost a decade, the best NBA basketball has been played out west. Phoenix, Los Angeles, Dallas, Houston, San Antonio, Denver, and Utah have all had consistently good teams, while New York, New Jersey, Philadelphia, Washington, and (up until 3 years ago) Boston have consistently sucked. Thing is, the majority of the nations important sports media is located in the Northeast. And, since they haven’t had winners in their home cities for the past 10 years, they’ve written and reported with an anti-NBA slant. This actually leads to…

C) Casual NFL fans are more sophisticated than casual NBA fans. Wait, let me rephrase that. Casual NFL fans are more accepting of and willing to learn about football strategy than casual NBA fans are of basketball strategy. For instance, when a star NFL player has difficulties, the announcers point out that “Manning has always had difficulties against the Cover 2. Lets see if he can make adjustments at halftime” and people accept this as truth. When an star NBA player has difficulties, the announcers might point out a certain defensive tactic the other team is using, but the casual fan usually ends up thinking “Damn. Carmelo just isn’t giving any effort tonight. Damn overpaid NBA diva.” And, I think the casual fan’s willingness to give NFL players the benefit of the doubt (and not NBA players) is partially due to media influence. If you hear “NBA players don’t care” enough, you’ll start to believe it.

—The Champ

Great Shower Sex, Relationship Karma & More Sh*t That Only Happens in Movies

The Champ — Wed, 18 Aug 2010 04:01:50 +0000

: you aint fooling anybody

Bored to the point of anger while watching the Jets/Giants game Monday night, I channel-surfed until I found one of my favorite “oh-this-is-ons” (a term I just invented 55 seconds ago to describe movies you don’t like enough to make plans to watch, but do like enough to allow them to occupy 15-45 minutes of your time if bored), The Devil Wears Prada¹. If unfamiliar with the plot, it’s a coming of age story based on an autobiographical best-seller about a young woman (Andrea) who spends a year working for the boss from hell. Imagine Clockers with high fashion.

During the movie, Andrea’s work demands cause her douchey long-time boyfriend (Nate) to be progressively douchier, eventually culminating with him breaking up with her. As the movie progresses, she hooks up with a much less douchy (and much more successful and traditionally attractive) writer (Christian), a guy who’s been pursuing her for months.

But, the morning after sleeping with Christian for the first time, Andrea has a “this isn’t the type of person I want to become” epiphany, bounces on him, quits her job, and by movie’s end, tries to reconcile with the still super douchy ex.

Anyway, I’m bringing this up because This. Sh*t. Never. Happens...at least not in real life. In real life, Andrea would have thrown deuces to her douchey Applebee’s chef-ass boyfriend the first time he gave her sh*t for being 10 minutes late for dinner. And, while Andrea still might have a job-based epiphany, in real life she would have continued to see Nate, the soon-to-be millionaire writer.

As I mentioned in “The Buttefly Effect”, movies are famous for showing us stuff on screen that very rarely happens in real life. This is especially true in regards to dating, sex, and relationships, where even the most “realistic” movies are known to occasionally present acts or themes that don’t jive with reality. Here’s a few.

Great shower sex

You’ve seen it a million times. Two characters make love in the shower, and they bring themselves to dripping, steamy, never-been-reached-before orgasmic heights while KEM plays in the background and Jason Voorhees hides behind the bathroom door.

But (not even mentioning the easy joke about the obvious difficulties with having shower sex with black women), movies somehow fail to show the logistical nightmare shower sex really is.

Unless you want to play naked yoga Twister in the shower, doggy style only works if you and your girl are the exact same height. Picking her up is cool…as long as you don’t mind the increased likelihood of “busting your clumsy ass on the bathtub” potential.

When you combine this with the fact that water and shower humidity aren’t exactly the world’s best vaginal lubricants, movie shower sex is obviously nothing but a bunch of coital CGI.

A-hole karma

Pretty much every romantic comedy has a villain, an irredeemable person who intentionally does things to sabotage and stop the protagonist and the protagonist’s love interest from getting together (think Bradley Cooper’s character in The Wedding Crashers). By the end of the movie, though, the villain gets his comeuppance, it happens in front of an applauding audience (think Vince Vaughn punching Bradley Cooper in the church at the end of The Wedding Crashers), and everyone lives happily ever after (except the villain of course).

But, as much as movies would like to suggest otherwise, relationship karma doesn’t exist. We tell ourselves it does so we can go to bed knowing the girl who cheated on us with our second cousin is eventually going to get what’s coming to her. But, that doesn’t always happen. In fact, it rarely happens.

Sometimes people are (and will continue to be) completely oblivious to the pain they’ve caused others. Sometimes the villain gets the girl, marries the girl, and they live happily ever after as he continues his villainous ways with no real repercussions. Sometimes the “good” guy gets his ass-kicked at the church. And, even if the villain doesn’t get the girl, he won’t care because he’ll probably end up with someone younger and better looking anyway. The only time he sees “Karma” is when it’s tattooed on the left ass cheek of a stripper who didn’t know how to spell “Kama Sutra”

“Surprise!!! I’m super hot!”

It’s always makes me laugh when movies put some drugstore bifocals and a pair of mom jeans on a Stacey Dash doppelganger, and then expect me to be surprised when she puts on a dress and is “all of a sudden” hot. It’s even funnier when it’s blatantly obvious the Plain-Jane is 1000 times better looking than the supposedly hot chick.

My favorite example of this is in Boomerang, when we’re supposed to believe that all of these men are lusting over a 72 pound Robin Givens instead of the Cosby-sweater rocking Halle Berry. The only thing more unbelievable than that was David Alan Grier’s reverse-gumby.

The Super-Duper Bad Break-up

Being exposed to a steady diet of sh*t like The War of The Roses, Waiting to Exhale, and Fatal Attraction led me to believe that all romantic break-ups were brutal bloodfeuds, replete with vicious insults, violent threats, hateful feelings, torn rabbits, microwaved weave, and white women.

I’m not saying bad break-ups don’t happen, but this faulty expectation left me ill-equipped and unprepared for real life, where the vast majority of adult break-ups occur while both parties still have generally positive feelings towards each other, a fact that occasionally turns this simple process into a prolonged lesson in passive-aggressive bitchassedness.

Anyway, people of VSB.com. I’m sure I’m missing a few. Can you think of anything that happens in movies but never, ever, ever, ever occurs in real life? On the flipside, is there anything about real life that’s you’ve never actually seen on screen?

The carpet is yours.

¹I know this is probably the most un-hetero sentence I’ve ever written, but you have to understand how bored I get watching preseason football. That sh*t is like watching soft porn in a hotel: Cool for 5 minutes, at least until you realize you’ve seen too much Mike Tirico. Wake me up when the Heat plays the Celtics.

—The Champ

5 Things Men Say (and do) When We’re Just Running Game

The Champ — Tue, 17 Aug 2010 04:01:51 +0000

: Chicks dig the running game.

“You sure?“, my homegirl replied.

“Yup. Game.” I said. “He has you hook, line, and sinker. At this point you might as well be a f*cking joystick. We say sh*t like that around women with the hope that, a couple days later, you’ll have the exact same conversation we’re having right now with one of your girlfriends, talking about how you can’t really figure him out.”

“So he’s making up all of that stuff about his family and his trust issues?”

“Yes and No. I’m sure he’s telling the truth. He probably does have trust issues. He’s a black man in America. We all have trust issues. Sh*t, I’ve know you for five years and I still don’t trust your ass. Seriously though, you’ve known dude for two weeks. That’s not even three episodes of Jersey Shore. If he was really concerned with you helping him work through his trust issues, he would have waited a bit longer before revealing that he has trust issues. Why? Because he has trust issues, so he shouldn’t trust you.”

“So, what does he want?”

“You to prove exactly how trust-worthy you are by giving him some ass.“

1. “I’m not ready for a relationship right now”

Why it’s game: If you polled every woman who’s ever heard this statement from a man, I’d bet at least 90 percent of them would say they heard it during a variant of the following scenario.

Boy approaches Girl while at National Gout Foundation fundraiser afterparty. Girl is visibly enthralled with the neatness Boy’s full beard, Boy’s Escada Sentiment, and Boy’s proper use of the term “Heteronormative” in a sentence. Boy and Girl exchange numbers, and Boy takes Girl on the best two dates of her post-Facebook life. Girl invites Boy over for “dinner”. After dinner, Boy and Girl sit on living room couch and talk. Girl engages Boy in convo, even though she’s so wet at this point she’s scared she’s going to leave a mark on her couch. Between slips of Sutter Home, Boy nonchalantly mentions that he doesn’t want Girl to get the wrong idea because he’s “not really ready for a serious relationship“.

It’s game because, we’ll, we’re not idiots. We know exactly what we’re doing, exactly how horny you are, and exactly what your expectations were entering the night. But, because she’s already thisclose to “go”, saying “I’m not ready for a commitment” at that moment allows a guy to do commitment type stuff (read: sex) while always having an “Hey, I told you I wasn’t ready for a serious relationship” out whenever she presses him for an actual commitment.

How do I know this? Well, ummm, moving on…

2. “You’re nobody to me”

Why it’s game: Although most men won’t actually come out and tell a woman he’s interested in that he thinks she doesn’t matter, “You’re nobody to me” game occurs when a guy treats a beautiful woman as persona non-grata for absolutely no reason. If he sees her with a group of her girlfriends, he’ll speak to and hug each of them except her. She tells a joke, he mimics a cricket. And, not only does he pretend to not know her name ahead of time (Most beautiful women assume that people already know their names before they’ve been formally introduced . Why? Well, because usually it’s true), he doesn’t even remember it after she tells him.

When it concerns her, he’s basically the guy in the audience at a comedy club who’s bored and silent while everyone around him is cracking up. And, as most stand-up comics will tell you, if you happen to notice the bored guy, you become obsessed with him. Why isn’t he laughing? Is my timing off? Was that joke stale? Did I offend him?

This is game because, well, savvy men know that attractive women are used to men paying attention to them. And, even though they might be attracted to that woman, they know that ignoring her can reverse the seduction script. Now, she’s paying attention to him. Why doesn’t he talk to me? Should I introduce myself? How come he didn’t laugh at my joke? When is he going to approve my friend request? How is it possible that I know this ninja’s name, and he can’t even recall mine? Would fellatio help him remember?

3. “You can be intimidating”

Why it’s game: While it’s true that a very small percentage of women are intimidating to a very small percentage of men, it’s game because well, men don’t talk to women who intimidate them. Why? Because they’re intimidated, duh.

If a man actually tells a woman he’s interested that she intimidates him, he must be talking to her. And, if he’s actually putting the effort into talking to her, he’s not intimidated by her. He’s just saying what he think needs to be said to get her to let her guard down, to get her to prove to him that she’s not intimidating at all.

Also, if she replies “What’s so intimidating about me?”, she’s now given him carte blanche to run off a list of each of her perceived faults right in front of her face. Think about that for a minute. She basically tells him “Hey, I’m not even sure if I’m interested in you yet, but go right ahead and tell me everything you think is f*cked up about me. Also, if you say that I’m “frigid and stiff”, I’ll make sure to show you exactly how loose I can be in the back of your Tahoe later tonight”

4. “A woman like you is out of my league”

Why it’s game: Manages to combine the reverse bagging paradox dynamic of the “You can be intimidating” game with a direct punch to the guilt trip muscle every attractive single woman develops after her 28th birthday. Basically, (from an aesthetic standpoint) she is out of his league, but because of her numerous failed relationships with guys “in her league”, this statement starts an avalanche of re-evaluatory mental guilt caused by the memories of all the mundane dudes she’s overlooked. His faux self-deprecation becomes an intoxicant, putting her under a spell of hownormalcanimakemyselfseem just so he’ll give her a chance.

Basically, this is usually how this…

…happens

5. “I don’t know. I’ll try to fit you in, but I’m just really busy with a few projects right now”

Why it’s game: Ah, yes. The “super busy man” game. He’s super focused, man. This week alone he has 8 projects due, he’s studying for the LSAT’s, teaching a bartending class, attending a Bar Mitzvah, performing an exorcism, and releasing a line of urban professional lounge wear for midgets and new parolees. He’s getting his grind on, and he wishes he could make more time for you, but for now the Wendy’s drive thru and those 15 minutes in his parking lot will do. And, you’re ok with this because he’s a busy man, and it makes you feel even better that this important man is making any time in his busy schedule for you.

It’s game because no man on Earth has ever been that busy. Sh*t, even God had time to hit the strip club the night after he created trout. But, the super busy man knows nothing dries panties quicker than the thought of a needy man, so he gives the impression that he’s the complete antithesis. He could be free the entire weekend, but a well-timed “90 minutes just freed up for me Friday night. You down?” text to six different women will have them biting like Jennifer Freeman.

Anyway VSB.com, can you think of anything else men (and women) say (or do) when they’re just running game? Also, has anyone been gamed into doing something they probably wouldn’t have done otherwise?

Lastly, although this entry presented game in a somewhat negative light, is game a bad thing? Afterall, isn’t romance in general game in its highest form?

The floor is yours.

***Btw, if you get a chance, go over to Clutch Magazine and check out “How to Make Sistas Swoon”***

—The Champ

The S.I.T. (Standardized Internet-Aptitude Test)

The Champ — Mon, 16 Aug 2010 04:25:48 +0000

“I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.”

— from “Creep“, by Radiohead

As anyone who has spent any amount of time exploring cyberspace will tell you, the internet is full of not VerySmart and not very savvy people. This is no surprise. The construction workers from Fraggle Rock have a higher median IQ than we (Americans) do. What is surprising, shocking, entertaining, and frightening though, is what happens when you give filter-less information to a legion of shiftless idiots. Don’t believe me? Just go, ummmm, anywhere (anywhere except here, of course) and see.

While I wont go as far as Lydia Cotton (who suggests we need to start monitoring and rationing internet usage like the Chinese), I do think we could use a test to decide who exactly gets access to certain information. For those who think this is too 1984-ish, think about it: We give people tests before they’re able to drive a car. What’s more dangerous, an unlicensed driver or an idiot who spent all day on StormFront and is now convinced Malia Obama is the Antichrist?

Anyway, as my contribution to this needed cause, here’s my rough initial version of the Standardized Internet Aptitude Test. If you don’t mind, be my test dummies today. With each question, choose the answer that best suits you.

1. Can you read good?

A) Yes (+1 point)

B) No (-5 points)

C) Wait, isn’t that supposed to be “Can you read well?“? (-10 points)

2. Where are you most likely to get breaking entertainment news?

A) Inferences made from Twitter trending topics (+3 points)

B) News websites (+1 point)

C) Black news websites (-3 points)

D) Black porn message boards (+4 points)

3. Facebook is…

A) A great way to keep in touch with friends and family (0 points)

B) A great way to not-so-subtly stalk people I’m attracted to and/or hate (+3 points)

C) A great way to meet new people (-3 points)

D) A great way to keep people updated about my relationships (-10 points)

E) A great way to expand my brand (Shut the f*ck up)

4. Kanye West’s “Power” video is…

A) Transcendent, paradigm shifting, and iconoclastic (-1 point)

B) Gay (+1 point)

C) Kinda gay, but typical Ye (+4 points)

D) Huh? (-4 points)

E) Confirmed proof that he’s a shape-shifting demon vessel for the Illuminati (-10 Points)

5. Online dating is…

A) For socially awkward lames (-4 points)

B) A perfectly legitimate way to meet people (0 points)

C) Eh (+1 point)

D) How I met your mother (+4 points)

6. Where do you spend most of your time online?

A) Working (+4)

B) Wherever I can be to help make sure that I’m doing as little work as humanly possible (+5)

C) Wherever the day’s best opportunity for self-righteous anger occurs (-2)

7. You’ve received your daily religion-themed email forward from your not-so-internet savvy 5th cousin (once removed). You…

A) Forward the forward (-5 points)

B) Talk subtle shit about them on Facebook (even though they’re one of your friends) (-5 points)

C) Read it (because you really don’t want to go to Hell) and delete it (+1 point)

8. Have you ever left a comment on a popular blog or website…

A) Just to let everyone know you’ve been offended and you’re never coming back to that blog or website again (-5 points)

B) Just to let the author know how stupid and/or irrelevant the day’s topic is (-10 points)

C) Just to say “Who cares?” (-175 points)

D) Just to say “Wow. I thought I was the only black person who felt that way/liked that movie/listened to that group” (-275 points)

E) Just to inform them of a typo (-7 points)

F) Just to inform them that a few of their crucial facts and figures are completely wrong (and why) (+2 points)

G) Just to plug your own website and/or business (-2 points)

H) Just to subtlety plug your own website and/or business (+2 points)

9. What was the last thing you purchased online?

A) Discounted tickets (+5 points)

B) A book (+5 points)

C) Cunnilingus (+1 points)

D) A CD (-2 points)

E) Porn (-10 points)

F) Nothing, because it’s not really safe to put your credit card info online (-15 points)

G) Pizza (You disgust me)

10. Do you live in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania?

A) No (0 points)

B) Yes (-10 points)

22-29 Points: You’re officially a teenaged Asian kid. Congratulations, Pokeman.

15-21 Points: What, you expect a special citation for being (somewhat) internet savvy? Here’s a cookie, and go Google the lyrics to “Nookie” to see what you should do with it next.

7-14 Points: Congratulations, you’re officially smarter than a Palin. Now shut the f*ck up and get your shinebox.

1-7 Points: You’re the person Nigerian men pray their newborn sons meet when they grow up so they can defraud you of $19,000.

0 and under: You, my friend, are an internet imbecile. If internet savvy were “breast elasticity“, you’d be Lisa Lampanelli. Two polar bears rape a kitten every time you enter cyberspace.

How did you do?

—The Champ

libidocide: 10 ways to make potential love interests say “umm, nevermind. i’m good”

The Champ — Fri, 06 Aug 2010 04:01:38 +0000

as the title of yesterday’s entry proves, life isn’t fair. the universe gives some of us oranges, some of us lemons, and some of us charred charcoal dust. this relentless unfairness is especially evident in dating, where much of your assumed sexual stature is determined by things that have absolutely nothing to do with your actual reproductive value.

you might actually be the absolute best wife candidate or the peerless sultan of deep strokage, but sometimes there are things you can do, things completely unrelated to your looks, personality, or social status that still can have a seriously negative effect on how you’re perceived by the opposite sex.

these aren’t serious deal-breakers, red flags, or even pet peeves, but things you can do that can (and usually will) make people just stop liking you in that special way. libidocide, if you will

here’s ten ways this can happen

1. walk like you have the absolute worst p*ssy on the planet

it doesn’t matter if you actually have liquid rainbows of angel tears dripping down your legs, if you walk like your p*ssy is hiding the smoke monster from “lost“, your stock will drop quicker than dan gilbert’s.

2. laugh ugly

put it this way: if someone tells a funny joke in a room full of people, and your laugh makes everyone else stop laughing, maybe you should just start saying “i’m laughing out loud” for now on instead of actually laughing aloud. if that doesn’t work, carry a small stapler in your pocket so you can prick yourself in the forearm whenever you get the urge to release your monstrosity of a giggle.

3. whip a girly ride

if you’re a grown man, lets just say (from a woman’s perspective) this

this

and this

are all better looks than this

4. have a wack-ass ring tone

you could be a pre-med mensa candidate, but if you’re flirting with a (non-hoodrat) chick and she can hear waka flocka flame say “i got a main bitch. i got a mistress” every time you get a text, lets just say that the cavs will retire lebron’s jersey before you see her naked.

admittedly, what makes a ring tone wack is completely arbitrary. so, unless you’re cool enough to pull off a completely ironic “wait, that’s not the theme music from killer klowns from outer space, is it?” type of ring, i advise everyone between 16 and 66 to retire them completely (and by “everyone” i mean “men”)

5. get caught acting like a bitch when you see a bug

the greater pittsburgh area has recently been plagued with an infestation of stink bugs. yes. stink bugs. click here if you don’t believe me.

for the last few months, these things–which kind of favor roaches until you look at them closely–have been everywhere. now, these bugs are harmless. they’re slow as hell, and their only purpose for living seems to be to stand in one place for three days and die. but, the unexpected sight of one of them crawling on your window has surely shook many “manly” men this summer. and, since i’m thisclose to telling on myself right now, i think it’s time to move on

6. have a voice that just doesn’t match

as every guy reading will tell you, there’s nothing that produces instant flaccid like meeting a woman who looks something like this…

…but sounds something like this

7. don’t “do” the internet

i realize this is somewhat classist. i also realize there are perfectly functioning adults who’d be great partners even though they don’t know html from h&m. still, it’s 2010. the jetsons took place in 2005¹. this means we are in the f*cking future. and, since we’re in the f*cking future, not knowing that google isn’t just a common typo for goggle will kill most 21 to 35 year old folk’s libido, especially when you realize that skynet is going to kill us all in 2014 anyway.

8. pull out a flip phone

i realize this is somewhat classist. i also realize there are perfectly functioning adults who’d be great partners even though they don’t know droid from drano. still, it’s 2010. the jetsons took place in 2005. this means we are in the f*cking future. and, since we’re in the f*cking future, seeing that you’re still using the same burners bodie used in season 3 of “the wire” (and the accompanying holster) will kill most 21 to 35 year old folk’s libido, especially when you realize that an iphone application is going to melt the sun and kill us all in 2014 anyway.

9. accidentally drool when talking to someone you’re interested in

look, it happens to everyone. i’m sure everyone reading this can remember a time in their adult life when they were talking one moment, and wondering how you all of a sudden turned into big baby glen davis the next. (btw, when this does happen, should you just let it fall, or just try to slurp it up before anyone notices…although you know they’ve already noticed?)

still, you can be the smoothest operator since the trouble man, but if you’re talking to a person you’re actually interested in and a two inch tail of spit drippage emerges from your mouth, you might as well just turn around and start spitting game to the wall.

10.get your ass kicked

now, i’m not referring to a literal beat down to a bloody pulp (although that would definitely do the trick), but it’s hard to recover once someone you’re interested in sees you take a serious butt-whooping in spades, flag football, a heated debate, or a nightclub heel-toe contest.

sure, maybe you just had a bad day. maybe you got up 15 minutes late that morning, didn’t have time to eat breakfast, and as a result, didn’t have that extra boost of energy that would have prevented you from being the recipient of the worst dunk-on in the history of the connie hawkins summer basketball league. and, maybe you should have thought twice about inviting your new love interest and her homegirls to the game.

but, life isn’t fair. if it was, your new potential boo wouldn’t have just slipped her phone number to one of the referees.

people of vsb.com , did i miss anything? can you think of anything else an otherwise attractive person can do to make you say “ummm, nevermind. i’m good“?

¹i’m totally making this up

—the champ