*taken from dictionary.com*

grown-up

1.    of, characteristic of, or intended for adults: grown-up movies; a grown-up discussion.
2.    having or showing maturity in outlook, attitude, or appearance: a grown-up attitude toward work.

ask 10 people and you’ll likely get 10 different definitions of this term. some will probably make it age-specific, while others might define it with harder to detect variables such as maturity and accomplishments. for me, grown-up is a state of mind, a general way of thinking that leans heavily on common sense, tactfulness, and practicality. thing is, the varied definitions of what makes a grown up a grown up make courting, dating, and relationships much more difficult than they already are.

in an attempt to somewhat subside this confusion, I’ve decided to help everybody out and name four simple behaviors that every grown-ass man and grown-ass woman should practice. (i could probably name forty-four, but our lovely managing editor takes a shot of jack every time i get too long-winded, and i’m trying to keep her on the wagon)

1. GROWN-ASS MEN…should never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever brag about their penis, bedroom manner, or sexual exploits. never. ever.

let the women you’ve been with in the past be your pipegame A&R’s and penis politicians. trust me, if you’re doing what youre supposed to be doing, they”ll gladly volunteer

2. GROWN-ASS WOMEN…should never allow themselves to be defined solely by their sexuality

basically, a grown-ass woman should know that a long sleeved dress shirt, jeans, and an appropriate heel on her worst day still owns three times as much potential sexiness than some jeans revealing three inches of butt cleavage, accompanied by a fishnet turtleneck with pink piranha nipple clamps. a grown-ass women should always know that their sexuality will always be the implied yet powerful elephant in the room, and knows she doesn’t need to acknowledge it by “yee-hawing” loudly and riding the elephant through the doorway like it’s Seattle Slew.

3. GROWN-ASS MEN…should never try to “out-sexy” a woman.

we’re all are ugly and awkward. we can never be as outwardly sexy as a woman is, so stop trying. the things that women do seem to find sexy in us aren’t going to come across in a picture of you donned in tight spandex, sticking your ass out and smiling “seductively” on a chopper.

if you’re still unsure about how you should look when taking a picture, use this as your own personal cheat-sheet..

yes

NO!!!!!

4. GROWN-ASS MEN AND GROWN-ASS WOMEN…should never repeatedly get fired from jobs

i’m not talking about company downsizing or basically getting yourself fired because you have a serious issue with your superiors’ shady activity, but grown-ass men and grown ass women should never repeatedly have their employment terminated because of incompetence or chronic lateness or screwing the janitor in the break room. i have a friend who’s not yet 30 years old, but has already been fired from jobs at least seven or eight times. the reasons have varied, but they all come down to the same basic point that she needs to grow the hell up. this may seem like an odd topic to bring up on a relationship blog, but if you can’t hold a job for longer than six months, there’s no way in hell that any serious adult romantic relationship you’re in is going to last.

anyway though, vsb, what other qualities/characteristics would you name? what makes a grown-ass up a grown-ass up, and what else shouldn’t a grown ass person ever do?

—the champ

although the champ staunchly believes that theres absolutely nothing you can do to keep someone from cheating (to quote chuck klosterman, “cheaters cheat because they think being monogamous is unreasonable. there’s no other reason.“), there are a few ways that you can definitely push em closer to the edge. you can’t actually drive someone to cheat, but you can definitely buy the car, carry them to the passenger seat, and put the keys in the ignition.

here are four sure-fire ways to insure that your mate will be sliding on the super slippery cheating slope (***editors note: the champ is obviously a big fan of alliteration***)

1. stop f**king

there’s no lonelier place in the world than a bed where your mate has decided, for whatever reason, to stop having sex with you, and no better, more efficient way to put the cheating key in the ignition. honestly, its actually easier sleeping next to a mate you’ve never slept with, than one who all of a sudden decided to rock their rusty-ass chastity belt to bed. unless you have some type of serious physical impairment, the reasoning behind this never matters. its always stupid, you’re always stupid for doing this, and it’s just plain f*cking stupid. stupid.

i’m on punany punishment cause you’re mad at me? f**k you! f**k me.

you’ve all of a sudden started believing that i’m only with you for the sex? f**k you! f**k me.

you’ve decided out of the blue to become born again and celibate? f**k you! f**k me.

of course, i understand that grown-ass people occasionally have libido-deading responsibilities that realisticially dont allow for spider monkey mummy matrix sex every day of the week. sh*t, i never thought i’d say this, but sometimes during my 17 hour meetings at work, instead of daydreaming about some combination of a naked stacey dash, a car seat, a universal remote, and 12 empty packets of orange kool-aid, i’m sitting there literally fantasizing about the nasty things i plan to run home and do to my…pillow. sleep sometimes trumps sex, and thats okay.

still, after a while, the pillowbating needs to discontinue, or your mate is either going to not cheat…but want to, not cheat…but only because they’re not able to, or cheat.

2. romance, schmoemance

you didn’t realize it, but you started having sex with her at 8:45 in the morning while she was on the bus headed to work. no, you didn’t actually physically have a morning quickie in the passenger aisle of the EBA, but that little “mornin, cutie-pie. sexy ass…damn. nevermind.” text you sent her made her smile and produced the first tiny drop of anticipation moisture down there that will continue to accumulate throughout the day.

the 1:17 text saying “i have a surprise for you later on“? more drops

being early for the date, and softly kissing her when you see her, pulling her close enough so that she can tell you’re wearing her favorite cologne, but not so close that she can feel your lil general “standing at attention”? leaky faucet

opening your car door for her. gently guiding her in with your hand slightly beneath the small of her back? brazilian rain forest

at this point, she’s not even thinking about anything else other than “please, please, please God dont let him do anything dumb tonight to f**k this up” and your work is done.

going from a consistent serving of that…

…to this…

you: “come over and let me hit. and on the way stop and get me some fries…and condoms. peace, homie”

her: “it’s 9:47 and i haven’t heard from you all day”

you: “damn..yeah, you’re right. you better hurry then. wendy’s drive-thru is gonna be closed soon”

…will soon get you a one-way ticket on the “i wonder why my girlfriend just rubbed the mailman’s ass and smiled” express

3. be like ike

isaac “ike” austin was a somewhat decent power forward/center for the miami heat and the la clippers. originally passed over and cut by many teams, he went to europe for a year to refine his skills, and eventually returned to the NBA a much better player. he made such improvement that he actually won the NBA’s most improved player award in 1997. this improvement eventually led to him being offered a very lucrative multi-year contract with the orlando magic.

so, did ike continue to improve after he finally got his big payday???

nah.

he got fat, his game got worse, and he was out of the league within three years.

if you want to insure that your mate will thirst for cheating on you, be like ike. do everything you can to break the implied relationship contract you agreed to when you first got together. gain 50 pounds. stop bathing. start wearing your late uncle’s clothes. end all oral. get giant tear drop tats on your adams apple. do everything you can to make them believe that they were a fool for committing to you. be like ike

4. cheat, or act like you’re cheating

you’d think this was common-sense, but you’d be amazed at how many cheaters and cats exhibiting cheateresque qualities i know who were flabbergasted at the fact that their mate actually had the gall to return the favor. for clarity’s sake “cheateresque qualities” refer to qualities exhibited by someone who actually isn’t cheating, but consistently does things that would make any reasonable person assume that they are. these qualities include (but aren’t limited to)…

receiving mysterious texts and phone calls at odd hours

referring to members of the opposite sex by ambigiously sexual nicknames. (put it this way, no woman in a relationship should ever refer to any guy who’s not related to them as “big daddy“. until you’re single again, his name is “james”)

being consistently unavailiable at not unreasonable times

intentional aloofness

being named “angelina jolie”

athough you shouldn’t be held captive to some non-trusting mate’s emotional whims, be considerate. if you ask yourself “honestly, is he justified in thinking that i’m unfaithful?” and the answer is “yes“, and you do want the relationship to continue, then stop being an inconsiderate asshole. it’s really not rocket surgery, seriously.

hopefully no one here will ever put the cheating keys in the ignition. if so, you might as well just hop in the back seat. shit, at that point, your mate shouldn’t be the only one who’s getting a ride.

–the champ

*****editors note. the champ so enjoyed wearing the “black man’s hat” yesterday, that he refused to take it off. despite our pleas, he even wore it in the shower, which has now made the hat damp and ripe with mildew. the champ is obviously a strange duck. if you happen to see him today, please assist us in snatching this hat off of his head*****

its not the datable man shortage

or racism

or latent sexism

or big gay al reynolds

or daddy issues

or bust it babies

or even jim jones

no, the biggest problem facing young blacks in regards to dating today has everything to do with our ears, or, more specificially, what we chose to do with them.

we are *paging my best charles barkley impression* terrible, terrible, terrible listeners.

terrible

forget std’s, the paramount relationship health issue in the young black community is the eerily selective abundance of earwax we all seem to possess. it comes and goes, like hiccups and appalachian hookers.

how else can you explain the selective listening we do, evidenced by the fact that not only do we not listen to each other, when we actually do decide to listen, we make the genius decision to listen to the drooling n*gga in the corner wearing the giant dunce cap!!

for instance:

black guy says “i love black women, but haven’t dated one in a while because black women don’t seem to be attracted to the type of brotha i am. apparently i’m lacking in swagger or some shit” and it’s immediately discounted as bitch-n*gga bs that shouldn’t be paid any attention to.

idiot black guy says “black women are too difficult, which is why i can’t f*ck with em anymore. seriously, who wants to spend all that damn time taming a broad?” gimme a mami over a sista any day, even sundays.” and this becomes the gospel from the book of “how black men really feel”

black girl says “i mean sh*t, if our own men don’t love us, who the hell will? how is that supposed to make me feel?” and she’s dismissed while told to woman up and stop living in the 17th century

black girl lost says “these lame ass n*ggas aint doing nothing for me. i need a baller with a ‘09 benz and a d*ck bigger than a toddlers arm. if you don’t fit the criteria, kill yourself” and every other black woman in the country is guilty by association.

i dont know. maybe its easier for us to collectively pay attention to bullsh*t because the important truths are too difficult to bear. maybe we’ve been so conditioned by the music we listen that we’ve become experts of language compartmentalization. maybe we just need to chew more gum. who knows.

i do know though that honestly, if listening were looks, we’d be camilla parker bowles (who should just probably have her name legally changed to “ugly-ass cpb“)…

…and not even the biggest black man’s hat can hide that.

L-boogie said it best:

“and even after all the knowledge and the theory/ i add a muthaf*cker so the ignant n*ggas hear me”

who knew she was referring to all of us.

—the champ

Okay. I’ll admit it. It’s true that men are typically held to a different standard in regards to the number of sexual partners we have. Because women are seen as the gatekeepers, the ones with the keys and the sexual veto power, men who are able to consistently “circumvent the system” are often highly regarded by their peers, and found to be more attractive to women. On the other hand, because women are seen as the creators of the sexual matrices, women who are “less stringent with their admissions policies and standards” are looked down upon.

To expound, men who are able to get with many women are seen in the same vein as the guy who’s able to get admitted into any university, while women whose screening processes are the exact opposite of “aggressive” and “thorough” and “logical” are seen in the same vein as community college, hence the phrase “junior college ho”‘

Admittedly, there is an inherent unfairness to this. Women are taught to suppress their sexual appetites, while men are encouraged to fulfill them. Although you can argue whether or not this way of thinking is ultimately beneficial for everyone and for the greater good of society, you can’t argue the blatant inequality in expectations.

Thing is, women aren’t the only ones held to a seemingly unfair sexual double standard. You don’t believe me? Read on:

Scenario 1: A man and a woman have been dating for a while, and have decided to take a step towards being in a committed relationship. During this time, they have a “talk”…one of those all-nighters where each party reveals a bit about themselves and their feelings and their history that the other party probably wasn’t aware of before. During this talk, the woman reveals a bit about her past…

“A decade ago, while I was still in college, a few girlfriends and I went to Cancun for spring break. We were short on cash, so we shared one room with two twin sized beds between the four of us. On one particularly wild and crazy and drunken night, while the other two roomies were still out partying, my bedmate and I decided to “experiment” with each other. It was just a one time occurrence. Sh*t, I’m not even attracted to women, and that was the first and last time I’ll ever have sex with one, but I thought that I should let you know about it before we got serious. I’d rather you hear it from me than someone else”

Now, in my very unscientific opinion, 85-90 percent of men will have some variation of one of the two following responses

1. “That’s no big deal honey. I’m sure we’ve all done stuff that we’re ashamed of. Lord knows I have”

2. “Did ya’ll make a tape???? I gotta see this tape!!! Where’s the f*cking tape??? Will you marry me????”

The other 10-15 percent might have a serious reservation or even consider it to be a deal-breaker.
Compare that to…

Scenario 2: A man and a woman have been dating for a while, and have decided to take a step towards being in a committed relationship. During this time, they have a “talk”…one of those all-nighters where each party reveals a bit about themselves and their feelings and their history that the other party probably wasn’t aware of before. During this talk, the man reveals a bit about his past…

“A few years ago while I was in college, a few frat brothers and I went to Cancun for spring break. One of the nights, when a friend and I were especially drunk and happened to be chillin in the room by ourselves watching “change of heart”, one thing led to another, and we made out and, ummmm, a few other things. It was just a one time occurrence. I’m in no way, shape, or form attracted to men, but I thought that I should let you know about it before we got serious”

Now, in my equally very unscientific opinion, 10 to 15 percent of women will have some variation of the following response…

1. “That’s no big deal honey. I’m sure we’ve all done stuff that we’re ashamed of. Lord knows I have”

…while the words coming from the mouths of the other 85-90 percent might sound something like

“Okay, I’m gonna run to the store to get some clorox wipes, plastic gloves, and ziplock bags. I expect you to be gone by the time i get back. I’d say don’t let the door hit you on the ass too hard on the way out, but your Al Reynolds ass would probably enjoy it!”

You can argue that a male homosexual act is more invasive then a female homosexual act. You can also argue that our definition of masculinity is so concretized that any act that’s perceived to be outside of that norm is immediately deemed “unmasculine”, but you can’t argue the fact that’s it’s a bit unequal. Where women are looked down upon for sheer volume, men are dismissed because of specific acts.

When you match the two “inequalities” together though, things have a way of balancing out. A self-imposed system of sexual checks and balances that ultimately work in everybody’s favor, and keeps the champ happy, which is all that really matters anyway.

—the champ

***editors note*** before we get started, we’d like to let everyone know that vsb.com was featured in the philly, new york, and boston editions of the metro news, the “worlds largest global newspaper yesterday, and we’d like to thank all of you for helping us grow and allowing sh*t like this to happen. riley, springer, and the wart hogs would be proud.***

The Goggles

Without fail, everybody has worn them before at least once. We never know when we’re actually wearing them, and the realization that we possessed them doesn’t usually come until days afterwards, hitting us like a bag of bricks in the shower, making us voice the universal rhetoric question to ourselves, “WTF WAS I THINKING?????”

This deadly accessory, the opposite sex altering goggle, comes in many forms. We already know about “beer goggles”, so i’d like to introduce you to three others that are just as potent.

1. WORK GOGGLES

Work Goggles describes what happens when you’re in an office environment, and you start making arguments in your head for people you were never really attracted to to begin with. “You know, sometimes when she wears clear heels on spring Wednesdays, in the right light, her eyes seem mysterious and her breasts look pretty ripe. I should probably try to have sex with her”.

Also, if the “new” person (someone who’s recently been hired or a temp) has even a shred of attractiveness, they’ll automatically become that office’s version of Benny Bratt or Gabby Union for at least two months without fail. It’s just like 7th grade, when the new girl from Texas transferred in and everybody broke their necks to see who’d get her phone number first. As soon as the first number is handed out, she’s basically forgotten forever. If you hated junior high you’ll probably hate working in an office.

Work Goggle Plusses: Three words: copy room quickies. Also, there is the possibility that the constant close contact has allowed you to notice an attractive part of their personality that you may have overlooked in a different setting. And, you know, at least you know that the person has a job.

Work Goggle Minuses: Five words: don’t sh*t where you eat. If it (the relationship) does work, then you run the possibility of breaking up just because you’re tired of seeing them 24 hours a day everyday. If you have sex and the relationship doesn’t work, then you create the possibility of your office turning into the West Bank or Newark, New Jersey. There is no greater hell than a workplace divided by someone’s sexual activity or relationship status.

what to avoid

Verdict: Unless you’re convinced that they’re your Neo, try to shy away from this. 9 times out of 10, three months later you’ll be in your cubicle, reading and replying to some horrific Alex Forrest-esque email while shaking your head and asking yourself “Damn. What the hell was I thinking?”

2. COLLEGE GOGGLES

(Since college aged males disgust most women older than 22, “college goggles” is strictly a male phenomenon, and I suggest that all the ladies just move on to number 3.)

College goggles occur when you’re out of school, but you either work near a university or have college students working for or with you. This prolonged contact, along with the viewing of countless Maxim’s, SmoothMag’s and GirlsGoneWild infomercials, causes you to assume that all college aged women are easier than a G.E.D. test for dyslexic kittens. Every 19-22 year old women you see all of a sudden becomes a young Roxy Reynolds in your eyes, waiting to be turned-out by your studly, Hefneresque older-male wit.

College Goggle plusses: Remember this, “…causes you to assume that all college aged women are easier than a G.E.D. test for dyslexic kittens…”? Well, nowadays, that’s probably true. Plus, since most college aged people are broke and living off of cafeteria food and Ramen noodles, a date to the food court at the mall is their version of Spago, and will basically guarantee sex

College Goggle minuses: If you’re over 30, it’s generally not a good idea to date people who aren’t old enough to legally drink. You never want to have to perform “old man duties” (Driving them places, buying beer for their roommates, etc) and having sex in a dorm room when you’re not college-aged is basically a sign of a complete loser.

Verdict: Since you’re basically guaranteed easy guilt-free sex, this isn’t a completely bad thing, especially if you could somehow rationalize to yourself and your God why the hell your 34 year old ass is having sex in the bottom bunk of some 6 by 8 foot dorm room after slithering past the R.A. If you’re okay with all of that, then knock yourself out, lil champ.

3. DROUGHT GOGGLES

you’re horny. he’s waiting

You’re going through a longer than usual (and “usual” in this case is relative. For some it could be two weeks. For others, two years) period of a lack of opposite sex contact. This decreases your usual standards tremendously, but, at this point, you could really care less. The mailman, your kids school-bus driver, your parole officer, DMX, your ex…right now, it doesn’t matter. You just need to get it done, quickly.

Drought Goggle plusses: There’s a chance that you’ll feel 100 times better after you “break your seal”. Once you break that seal, there’s a chance you’ll be happier, more efficient at work, nicer to pets, more prone to recycle and less prone to commit violent crimes.

Drought Goggle minuses: There a chance that you’ll feel 100 times worse after you “break your seal” because you compromised your integrity for something that wasn’t that good anyway.

Verdict: If you ever find yourself with these on, take them off as soon as possible. You’re in a drought for a reason, and wearing the goggles will just be a temporary fix to an increasingly permanent problem. Remember, even a Brussels sprouts and liver flavored milkshake would taste great if you were hungry enough.

A pair of goggles every now and then isn’t such a bad thing. Sure, they’re irresponsible, inherently misleading, and occasionally dangerous, but someone always has to be the butt of the jokes in your circle of friends, the “too old man” sneaking out the dorms, or the cause of World War III at work…why can’t it be you?

—the champ

(***editors note*** as per a request, the champ has decided to extend yesterdays “ms. masochistic” entry, to include a part he originally edited out)

4. sex

there’s no better, no more literal manifestation of the inherent masochism permeating through a typical woman’s dna than the entire bedroom dynamic. for whatever reason, God built us in a way which insures that the pursuit of pain becomes an integral part of every woman’s sexual journey.

need proof? i’ll give you three reasons

a) sex is where pretty much every woman’s first experience produces more nightmares and scenes of gore and unrelenting pain than “ichi the killer“. need more proof? read these comments (especially the ones about “blood caked sheets” and “blacking out”)

b) sex is where terms such as “breaking backs“, “beating it up”, “putting her to sleep”, “hittin skins”, “piping”, “ovary shifting“, “spine spinning”, “breakin her off”, “blazed”, “beat”, “hit“, “pounded”, “crushed”, “destroyed”, and “kilt” are part of our lexicon. never mind the fact that each of these phrases could accurately describe a particularly hard hitting nfl linebacker during a game (well, all except for “ovary shifting”) and also never mind the fact that the violence in sex is decidedly one-sided. we say all we need to say about the bedroom dynamic by the way we describe what happens there. put it this way: you’d never hear these words coming out of a straight guys mouth while bragging to his boys about some chick he slept with last weekend:

“damn, son. tasha came through and straight mangled my joint all up. seriously, she left my wang like one of them big-ass six flags pretzels. had a ni**a walking with a limp for like three days straight, and it still hurts to pee. i need to get me some more of that!!!!

****seriously, just think about how inherently unfair this one-sidedness is. for instance, i’m somewhere between 6′1 and 6′2 and i weigh some where between 205 and 210 pounds. if a 5′2, 120 pound guy challenged me to a fight, i’d probably just knee him in the nose roll my eyes and walk away because it’s against pretty much every societal more to fight someone you outweigh by almost 100 pounds. yet, i’ve slept with women this size and attempted to and succeeded in doing very, ummm, “violent” things to them in the sack, and this is perfectly acceptable behavior. now, don’t get me wrong…i’m not complaining about this one-sidedness. just making a point. carry on.****

c.) sex is where objects resembling elizabethan era torturing apparatuses…

…are seen by women as undeniable sources of pleasure. i’d expound but, well, i kind of enjoy this site not being banned in workspaces and college comp labs across the country, and i’d like to keep it that way.

can somebody explain this to me, or at least give me a reason other than stringent inherent masochism why this occurs? please…take your time, i’m not going anywhere.

no answer still?

still waiting. i’ll be here all day again though. take your time. ask a friend.

—the champ

Comment courtesy of Ana B from the Vindication post:

“somebody (a man) once told me “Stroke a man’s d*ck you have him for the night, Stroke his ego and you have him for life” I have found this to be true, even with the men that I have not been physically involved with. It truly is all about EGO”

***********************

No time like the present to share some truth and dispel some non-sense. Thanks Ana for the inspiration.

The male ego is a monster, similar to Thing from the Fantastic Four. Our ego makes us largely hardcore on the outside and conflicted and emotional on the inside.

True.

And what of the female ego? Well, that’s an 8-headed hydra that spits venom and eats midget children and poodles. It appears out of nowhere and then retreats into the night as quickly as it came, leaving a trail of destruction rivaled only by the government’s cockup in the wake of Hurricane Katrina…plus the Tuskegee Experiment.

I think that about sums it up.

I’ve always found it funny that women constantly refer to the male ego. Now sometimes it’s men’s fault. See comment above. And that’s well and good but if you want to see an actual fragile ego, just tell a woman “no” when she wants some stickball.

Actually, I don’t recommend it.

And why wouldn’t I recommend it? Good question.

Women are insane and a rejected woman really doesn’t know what the hell just happened to her, causing her to act out…insanely. You see, a woman’s guile and sexuality are her power, and she knows this. According to one of Aesop’s Unpublished Fables and her mama, “no man can resist the power of the woman.” So if a man rejects a woman’s sexual advances (which let’s face it, isn’t normal), women are forced into unfamiliar territory causing all kinds of trouble. Trust me. I’ve seen it.

I’ve said “no” to a woman who hadn’t earned the right to rip the runway. Her face morphed into an ugly version of Grace Jones. Of course, she then proceeded to tell me that I was gay and wasn’t ready for her while managing to gloss over the fact that she looked like a hyena.

See, even ugly heffas have fragile egos and they shouldn’t even have expectations in life. Bottom line is that the male ego may be fragile, but we’ve had practice in rejection so we learn to adjust. Men don’t like hearing “no” but its just part of the game to us. We like the chase anyway. The female ego on the other hand hasn’t had so much practice, rendering it worse and more easily afflicted with b*tcha*sness.

And like Puffy says, there’s no room for b*tcha*sness around here.

It was written.

-PANAMA