**Admin. Note: Vote ye. **

What do crack, bass jumping, and Dirty Sanchez’s have in common?

They’re all things that friends don’t let friends do.

Now of course, we’ve beaten dead the concept of male and female “platonic” friends (or lack thereof), but let’s assume for a second that it’s possible. There are definitely some behaviors that two friends should not engage in if they’re trying their best to uphold their friendship (read: attempting to ward off temptation, hormones, and IKEA).

Thing is, the fact that you are just-friends doesn’t mean that there won’t be any flirting or touchy-feely going on. Nope. It just means that both parties will generally make it a point not to let things get too far.

With that mind, let’s discuss a few things that Friends Just Don’t Let Friends Do, While Trying To Remain Just Friends…Even While Watching Friends.

1. friends don’t let friends give eachother backrubs.

If you’re trying to give your friend a backrub, you’re trying to see eachother naked. Point blank. Period. Rubbing of any sort is sensual. Why do you think the genie shows up AFTER you rub his lamp? Because he’s all up and excited. You can’t just knock on the lamp. He won’t answer. But rubbing? Oh yeah, he’s coming.
Pun.

2. friends don’t let friends kiss on the lips.

Short of being gay, there’s generally not a good reason to be kissing your just-friends on the lips at all. Then again, if there was any sort of tension in the air or awkwardness due to desire, you wouldn’t do it anyway since we all know when we’re in the question phase, we over analyze our every step anyway. But just to be on the safe side, if you do decide to kiss your friend and you start tasting Kool-Aid you know you didn’t drink…don’t say I didn’t warn you. And you can’t really be mad…you kissed eachother. It’s yo’ fault.

3. friends don’t let friends sleep with eachother.

We can add, or touch people in their special places to that as well.

Fellas…if you EVER meet a woman who tells you she can have sex with you with no strings attached…throw something at her and run like hell. She’s lying. No matter how much she tries to convince you she can, she’s a liar.

Just don’tt sleep with your friends. It just doesn’t make sense. Sure, we all have our moments of weakness, but you have them with folks you’ve thought about in vertical terms. If you go to thinking about your friends in vertical terms, it seems counterintuitive to think that they’re actual platonic friends. So stop it.

4. friends don’t let friends hold each other while sleeping.

Now this one gets tricky. I believe that a man and a woman can sleep in a bed together and not touch each other and it be all good. Hell, I’ve done it. It’s easier than it sounds. But if one person goes all cuddling up to the other one in the middle of the night and wants to be held, I’m raising a red flag. Holding is a prime way for feelings to develop. And you wouldn’t just snuggle up to anybody, now would you? Nope, somebody you truly trust and care about…and if you truly trust and care about them and are all arm locked and wake up and looking into each other’s eyes and smiling, you may end up going to the zoo. Zoo is a where love happens.

Besides, cuddling leads to relations. See #3.

5. friends don’t let friends hate on other love interests and relationships.

We’ve all seen it happen. Some dynamic duo of platonicity hangs tough and swears that there’s nothing going on until one of them meets somebody else. All of a sudden they can’t stop talking about how kcufed up it is that things are going the way they are…then somebody throws around the, “they should have known I liked them, even though we never talked about it…” If you got beef, then clearly you need to re-evaluate their place in your life.

So good friends of VSB.com, what are some other things friends just shouldn’t do under any circumstances?

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST

Administrative Note: If you’ll look to the left, you’ll see we have a poll up for t-shirt quotes. Yes people, Operation Clothes On Yo’ Back is in full effect. Everyday this week we’ll have a different poll up for you to vote for your favorite t-shirt. Pick-n-Click. Remember, there is nothing to fear, but fear itself…read my lips…just say no…and yes we can. Vote or die!

*****

Actual conversation I had with one of my female cousins:

Panama’s cousin: I’m telling you P, every chick…I’m telling you.

Pontificatious Panama: I just don’t believe that…

Panama’s cousin: Believe what you want, fact is, every woman has thought seriously about hooking up with another woman.

Interestingly, I have this conversation with quite a few women I know. Of course, all of those women are lesbians so perhaps for them it was just a self-fulfilling prophesy. Of course, for years, I was trying to will Christina Milian under my Christmas tree but I didn’t get the same results.

But, alas, it begs the question? Have all women considered switching teams? I’d like to say that this is total bullox, but truth be told…

…I believe it.

There are a few reasons for this. For one, nearly every woman I know has made some sort of joke that they’re going to give up men for women since all men suck, or are in jail…or suck in jail. Rarely (if ever) will you hear a man EVER say that women are on that BS so he’s going to give up women. Granted, women can laugh it off because in large part, we KNOW that a lot of men aren’t holding up their end of el bargaines. It’s understood to be a joke, whereas if a man was to say that, we’d look at him with all the suspicion of Mike Tyson saying he’s learned the errors of his ways.

But on the other hand, people say (not sure who these people are, but for the sake of argument let’s assume we’re talking about smart people like Aristotle, Kofi Annan, and R.Kelly’s defense team) that there is truth in jest. Which leads me to believe that though many women haven’t considered it in depth, perhaps they haven’t ruled it out altogether either.

Women pay as much attention (if not more) to women as men do. Heck, fellas, your girl might be willing to have a conversation with you about how good some woman’s puppies looked. Or the fact that there really isn’t any more room for you in those jeans. I’ve never been out and seen a dude and been like, “you know, that’s a well put together brotha.”

Not.gonna.happen.

Many women are very appreciative of the female form. They know a hot chick when they see one and love a nice set of hooters just as much as any man. Now that doesn’t mean they want to play with them since generally they have their own…however, ya never know.

I’m not saying this is law, but I do tend to think that most women have considered at least once. Catch a chick after a bad breakup and she just might be willing to test her limits.

Catch me after a bad breakup, and find me at the club, trying to take home another chick. I’m looking for Nikki…not Nicholas.

And then there’s the best reason of all…I’m a lesbian. So I can completely understand it.

*rimshot*

Heh heh heh.

Dispute it if you want, but my science is better than your science. And my God tells me I’m right.

It was written.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST

***administrative note***

it was brought to our attention last week that access to our site has been blocked at a couple work sites, due to “adult content”. this is crucial, because the bulk our our readership comes from people at work during work hours, and we can’t afford to lose that. although we don’t exactly plan on making things g-rated around here, we would like for everyone (ourselves included) to try to tone it down a little bit. remember everyone, asterisks and euphemisms are our friends.

***end of administrative note***

earlier in the week, vsb.com regular muse (who’s probably riding a pyramid as we speak) forwarded me a link to an, ummm, “unique” marriage contract.

originally posted on thesmokinggun.com, this contract was devised by 33 year old iowan travis frey. titled “contract of wifely expectations“, this document was to be signed and explicitly followed by his wife (who never actually signed sh*t)

(click here for full contract)

sample gems from this insane four page manuscript:

“when we are home and alone as a family, you will be naked within 20 minutes of the kids being in bed, and sleep naked unless instructed otherwise”

“misbehavior is when you complain about what is requested or expected of you, or when you try to negotiate something other than what was requested or expected of you. if this happens you will lose 5 gbd’s (good behavior days) per incident”

“i will select your sleepwear for you, and you will find it under your bed if there is none you will be naked. during your menstrual cycle you can wear a top and panties. the top is to be no longer than to cover your buttchecks”

“you are to pose for 20 pictures per quarter, unless your quota is filled”

“by the end of the first day of each quarter, you are to choose your pet name that you want me to call you by. your choice must meet my approval, and noncompliance will be a 20 gbd loss”

complete and utter insanity notwithstanding, i think we all have some variant of a contract in our heads as we try navigate the murky shark-infested waters of courting, dating, and relationships. maybe we’re not all as crazy as mr. frey, but we all have certain rules and expectations we’d like our potential and current mates to follow.

so, occasionally intelligent and outrageously lascivious people of vsb.com, what rules (if any) would be in your contracts?

oh, and btw…what ever happened to mr. frey?

he was eventually charged with first-degree kidnapping and domestic abuse assault causing injury (as well as child pornography) and convicted of third-degree sex abuse and domestic assault. he’s currently serving 11 years, and sharing a jail cell with beanie segal.

moral of the story: maybe its not a good thing that obama won iowa.

—the champ

two weeks ago, p expertly outlined five ways to charm a woman, a list which detailed exactly how to get a woman all brazilianrainforesty down there without even touching her. thing is, women arent the only ones who can be charmed. although it usually doesnt take much more than a nice atwr (ass-to-waist ratio) to get us all verklempt down there, there are a few simple things a woman can do to exponentially increase her long-term relationship stock.

so, without further adieu, here are five quick and simple ways to charm a man

*****note: ladies, the following five are only to be performed with guys who have expressed a real interest in you. do not, i repeat, DO NOT, try any of this with the dude you met at rock the bells last weekend or the married cat you’ve been f*cking. end of note.*****

1. let him “catch” you, ummm, you know.

scenario:

its nighttime, and you’re both chillin at his apartment. since it’s late and his crib is only a 10 minute drive from your job, you’re spending the night. you’ve showered already, and you’re just sitting there, messing around on the internet when he announces that he’s gonna hop in the shower real quick.

now, you already know that you’re gonna get some tonight. shit, you’re planning on it…thats the only reason why your ass is spending the night in his hot ass, no snack sans for granola bars having ass apartment, “closer drive to work” my ass. you also know that the festivities will probably start soon after he gets out the shower and hops into bed.

so what do you do?

start without him.

yup. you read it right. start “poppin the pepsi can” while his ass is still in the shower, so that when he exits the bathroom the first sight he sees is a woman so horny and so thirsty for it that she couldnt even wait for him to finish his 240 second rabbit shower. dont be demure about that sh*t either. pop that can like you’re getting paid for it.

***if my description is too vague, basically act in a way that she…

…would have***

if he’s already digging you, and you do sh*t like that on a semi-regular basis, i’m not saying he’ll propose to you, or even suggest the thought of that to you aloud, but best believe, he’ll damned sure be thinking “yo this chick is a freakin slut. damn. maybe i need to marry her ass”

2. give him compliments, and say “thanks” every once in a while

it may not seem like a big deal, but little stuff like this lets us know that we’re appreciated, and we appreciate knowing that we’re appreciated. you’d be surprised how far a small “thanks for picking me up from work the other day” or a “those new shoes you bought are hot. seriously, i’m impressed” can go.

seriously.

3. wear his clothes

maybe this is just my own personal thing, but it seriously does something to me when a woman uses one of my old t-shirts as her night shirt or spends a lazy saturday lounging around my crib wearing nothing but one of my college sweatshirts. theres nothing better than a night of monkey matrix sex followed by waking up to your chick making eggs and sh*t while she’s rocking one of your summer league basketball shirts from 2002.

4. be funny

ladies, seriously, if a guy is digging you, and you have the ability to send him a six word text at work that makes him laugh uncontrollably for the next 30 minutes, honestly, thats like 27% of what makes a great relationship right there. if you’ve been cursed with the unfunny gene, at least have the ability to get jokes and recognize humor. you know he likes bill simmons, so email him a link to his latest podcast. make your own version of the aristocrat joke, and recite it to him. even if it bombs terribly, he’ll appreciate the effort, and give you unprompted cunninglingus to thank you for it

5. create something

write a poem. draw a picture. make a mixtape. do something that is completely unique to you two and your relationship. you could have bought that cologne for anyone, but that mix you made for him with all the unreleased wu tracks from 93 to 98 is something based on his tastes that you knew he’d personally appreciate, and he’ll definitely let you sleep in the dry spot for the rest of the month because of it.

thats it. five simple things. now go and make the champ proud.

—the champ

“it’s not you, it’s me”

the perfunctory “nice” way to break up with someone, these five words have become the king of all relationship euphemisms, a quick and easy way of masking anything from “i tried, i really, really did, but i just couldn’t get past that bite-sized pretzel stick you’re packing down there” to “i’ve seen your family pictures, and theres no way in hell i’m gonna potentially mix my sperm with your wretched gene pool“.

yes, i’m aware that there are times that “its not you, its me” really means exactly what it says. shit, i’ve actually said that to someone, and i actually was telling the truth, lol. regardless of the reasoning behind it, though, the person who’s being broken up with usually feels as if it is them, and nothing thats said or done can convince them otherwise.

thing is, although we claim to despise this cliche, are we really ready for the alternative? are we really prepared to hear the truth, or would you rather assume what that “truth” might be? would you really rather hear “i never really was attracted to you, but i started dating you because i thought your brother would be a good reference for me to use on my grad school application. now that i’m in school, i really dont need you around anymore. plus, your brother is way hotter” instead of “i need to figure some things out“? hmmm.

these are just a few of the many questions behind the break-up dynamic, a phenomenon addressed by gnarls barkley in their video for “who’s gonna save my soul”

quite possibly the best song of 2008, gnarls barkley examines the break-up act in their usual unusual gnarls barkley fashion, its premise a darkly humorous look at what sometimes happens to the break-upee.

watch.

discuss.

—the champ

i experienced a bit of romance-related drama in the summer of 2006. i wont get too specific, but lets just say that technology can be a bitch. admittedly, i made some decisions that contributed to the situation, but nobody could argue that the actions that occurred in response to my decisions were justified. to make a scale analogy, what happened was akin to someones shoe getting stepped on, and that person responding by taking off the shoe and throwing it in the culprits face.

yet, despite my relative innocence...many would argue that I had it coming.

a decade ago, while the champ was still a college-aged “challenger”, i used technology to intentionally hurt and embarrass someone who i thought had disrespected me. it was mean, vindictive, short-sighted, and immature…easily the moment in my life i’m least proud of (just typing this sh*t made me cringe), and if you believe in romantic karma, a concrete precursor to what happened in 06.

romantic karma in itself is a bit of an enigma, especially when you combine the matrixesque “everything’s connected” mindset behind the concept of karma with the inherent subjectivity synonymous with romantic relationships. are we really eventual recipients of the energy we release? is that karma concept nothing but a self-fulfilling prophesy? is it all just a bunch of bullsh*t?

who knows.

i do know, though, that fully believing in romantic karma has a way of dismissing personal responsibility and accountability. i mean, the stuff that happened in 2006 had absolutely nothing to do with the stunt i pulled my sophomore year in college, and its lazy thinking to even suggest that. yeah, as i alluded to before, i helped to make my own bed, but the decisions that affected the situation were made in ‘06, not ‘98.

also, it seems as if many of us subscribe to this belief system to replace a missing moral compass. for instance, one of the themes repeatedly brought up in the comments here is the fact that the main reason why many people don’t do more relationship dirt is the fear that it’ll come back to bite them in the ass. forget about whether it’s right or wrong or the possibility of someone getting hurt in the process…a full subscription to the “karmic times” is all about us, or, more specifically, how it’s going to directly affect us.

moral ambivalence is part of being human though, and when you combine this with our desperate need to make things “fair”, believing in romantic karma has its place…for some.

just not me.

—the champ

I’m not sure if you know this or not, but we here at VSB.com are here to help - like Jesse and Al, except way more focused and with better hair. Oh yeah, and minus the whole making a mockery of Blackness since 1968 thing.

With that in mind, I know a lot of women who’ve gone through painstaking processes just trying to figure out if a man was interested in them. In fact, let’s take it a step further…I often get asked by my goodbreasted companions about what they should do when they’re in those initial stages of mental bliss. You know, the stage after you meet but before you play put the lime in the coconut and twist it all around.

So today, I’m going to provide a little 5 step manual for what you womenses should do in the mean time between time while you’re flipping the fuck out waiting for us to show you that we actually do like you. Mind you, I’m aware that men play mental gymnastics as well. But so do squirrels. And that has nothing to do with the price of condoms in Amsterdam. Today’s it all about helping the ladies out.

And with that said:

VERY SMART BROTHAS PRESENTS: 5 THINGS YOU SHOULD DO WHILE WAITING FOR HIM TO SHOW AND PROVE

1. Calm the f*ck down. You solve nothing by going apesh*t and overanalyzing every single email and/or text he sends you. And trust me, all men know that b*tches love the smiley face. It’s why Forrest Gump created them.

2. Don’t call him all the time. For one, he won’t answer. For B, you’re putting all of yours cards on the table by letting him know how pressed you are. The same way that we like to imagine what’s in your jeans is the same way we like to think about the chick we just met who might be the 3rd to last chick we ever see naked. The only thing that should be open 24/7 is 7-Eleven.

3. So…get a little ghost on occasion. Don’t be so available. Make the dude feel like he’s working for something. You best believe that if my job one day decided that I would just be working for the love and no paycheck, I’d be dipping THE f*ck out. Mind you, you should be in relationships for the love but that wouldn’t make my analogy work so f*ck it.

On a side note, though I don’t think anything is wrong with having some good ole fashion lovin’ while you’re trying to figure out where you stand, if you give up the goods early and often and he never calls you again, consider yourself lucky. He was just going to break up with you later anyway for a chick who held out.

4. Don’t accidentally be where you know he’s going to be. Just because he tells you where he’s going doesn’t mean he wants you to show up there. In fact, unless he says, “You should come here…” keep your happy ass 100 feet away at all times unless your presence is specifically requested. I knew a chick who somehow liked to pop up where I was going to be. I almost shot her once on accident though. She popped up at my home and was hanging outside my window just in case I wanted to see her. By the way, I lived on the 22nd floor.

By the way, I’m lying.

5. Perhaps you should continue dating. Just because you two met and hit it off doesn’t mean that he’s ready to bet the farm on you. In fact, most of us don’t even have a farm to bet so why in Sam Hill would we be ready to close up shop when we don’t even own one? Think about that. It’s deep. Don’t get so caught up in that one dude that you forget that YOU’RE NOT DATING.

Also…check out the price of tea in China.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST