i felt myself overcome with a sudden sense of relief and contentment yesterday afternoon while reading two articles (“crying after sex, really” and “what brings you to the big o?“) and the accompanying comments

you see, as a grown man, i felt that i should be a expert by now on the female orgasm. i mean, (i think that) i’ve seen them and (hope that) i’ve been an active part in inducing them, but if i were coaching a sex team and was asked by my players to diagram a female orgasm play for an easy and sure touchdown, i’d be more befuddled than eric mangini.

but, articles such as those have taught me that i’m not alone: nobody really knows sh*t about the female orgasm, women included.

sure, many people much more intelligent than i have their theories and ideas, but there isn’t a person on the planet that can give you factual and universal information about how they occur, what can possibly happen when they do, and, from an evolutionary perspective, why they even happen

anyway, while thanking my friends at the frisky for my newfound sense of coitus-related comfort, i thought of a few other things about sex i’ve learned since becoming an adult.

here’s 11 more

2. libido compatibility f*cking matters

while there’s a lid for every pot, some pots require a bit more time on the stove than others. even the happiest and strongest coupling will eventually shift to sh*t if one party is cool with once every another week (or month) or so and the other needs it at least once a day. eventually one of them will have to “compromise” a bit more than the other, and, depending on who does the compromising, this always results in either the low-libidoed person feeling used for sex and eventually hating it, or the high-libidoed one feeling unwanted and eventually resenting their mate

3. “performance” p*rn sex (stupid acrobatics, stupidly awkward positions, sex in stupidly random places, etc) is usually pointless, awkward, and painful if performed by non-professionals.

quick story: my sophomore year of college, a few teammates and i were so consumed with hotel jacuzzi sex that we had an on-going bet with each other about who would do it first. although i lost, i eventually did the deed a couple years later, and spent the entire time underwhelmed by the feeling, annoyed with the chick trying not to get her hair too wet, and irritated by the chlorine filled water splashing up my nose and in my eyes.

moral of the story: don’t watch showgirls

4. while some women say that you can usually tell how good a man is in bed by how he dances, a man can definitely tell how good a woman is in bed by her relationship to food

5. dont trust a person who says they never masturbate.

if they’re lying they’re too anal and pedestrian to realize that its not a subject worth lying about. if they’re telling the truth, they’re future murderers

6. a woman can actually f*ck her way into a man’s heart, but she needs to have sex with him at least a couple hundred times to do it

7. the idea of a woman willingly and enthusiastically performing and enjoying fellatio matters more than the actual act.

8. dating while horny is no different than grocery shopping while hungry

in both cases, you’ll just end up spending too much for some sh*t you didn’t even really want.

9. white women aren’t inherently easier than any other group of women, its just that many of them go through their “easy stage” (junior year of high school through junior year of college) at an impressionable time when people care the most about the sex everyone else is having

***since i know you’ll ask, from what i’ve seen the “easy stage” breakdown usually goes like this:

well-adjusted white women: 15-20

well-adjusted black women: either 23-26 or 29-34

well adjusted latinas: 12 to death***

10. pretty much everyone who’s ever said they got accidentally pregnant or contracted an std because a condom broke is f*cking lying

11. sometimes “technical difficulties” might occur.

whether its because of stress, fatigue, alcohol, or the sudanese rap song you can’t get out of your head, sometimes sh*t, ummm, doesnt happen. its nothing to be ashamed of though, and as long as you give your sure to be disappointed girl a convincing good will hunting (“its not your fault, its not your fault”) everything should be cool

12. the more i learn, the more i realize i still don’t really know sh*t

thats it from me. people of vsb.com, what has adulthood taught you about sex?

don’t be scurred to share, we’re all family and sh*t

—the champ

Related posts:

1. 7 things about sex that really kind of suck
2. lost in translation: what men usually hear when women are talking to us
3. all points bulletin

“I have piles and piles of black friends. They come to my home, I marry them, they use my bathroom.”

—louisiana judge keith bardwell, defending himself after refusing to issue a marriage license to an interracial couple last week. obviously he’s lying, because no self-respecting black person would use his toliet after he publicly admitted to having piles

between krazy keith’s kracker kourtroom, the bill de blasio (a white politican who featured his black wife and biracial children in his campaign ads) article, and the noise over okcupid’s “here’s more proof that no one wants to date black women” blog, the past couple of weeks has seen a boon in the interracial romantic relationship discussion america likes to have every year before halloween.

despite usually good intentions, these conversations tend to hit a wall because most people, scared of being branded a racist, are loathe to publicly admit how much of a factor race plays in their feelings about dating and relationships.

of course, by “most” i mean “liberal white”, because everyone else has accepted the fact that a little relationship racism isn’t neccesarily a bad thing. like condiments and p*rn, relationship racism is best used with light sprinkles.

still, in regards to interracial relationships, some of us has a tendency take it a bit too far. take the vsb.com interracial relationship racism test today to see exactly where you stand

1. you’re single, and a physically attractive and nice “other race” co-worker has expressed interest in you. do you?

a) cautiously flirt (+5)

b) ask them why they’re so interested in you. before they respond, remind them of their people’s history of questionable sexual practices. when they’re done, report them to hr, and pee in their coffee (-15)

2. you’re on your first “interracial” date. during dinner, do you discuss?

a) why you two can never, ever, ever procreate (-8)

b) minor superfical racial differences (ie “whats with ya’ll and all that damn rye bread?”) (-2)

c) jello (+3)

3. angelina jolie should be…

a) sainted for adopting all of those kids (+4)

b) in better movies and/or my bed (+1)

c) shot for letting sahara out in public with a birds nest on her head (-3)

4. i tend to date those who…

a) kind of favor my ***insert opposite sex parent*** (+1)

b) are most mentally and spiritually compatible with me (+7)

c) have also been accused of hate crimes. no convictions though (-6)

5. you find out that your (male) boss is in an interracial marriage. your opinion of him

a) doesn’t change (+9)

b) changes favorably (-5)

c) changes, but the change depends on whether they’re a black or white man (-10)

6. people who exclusively date interracially

a) should be free do to whatever they want (-3)

b) are the target audience of my blog (-6)

c) might have some self-hate issues, but who am i to judge? (+2)

7. which three word phrase best describes your feelings about interracial relationships?

a) love is blind (+1)

b) black (or white/red/yellow) is beautiful (+2)

c) shank that bitch (-11)

if you scored…

(21+) you officially have no interracial relationship racist bones in your body. kumbayla and sh*t, you color-blind bastard

(12-20) if interracial relationship racism were “breasts” you’d be sanaa lathan. not alot there, but enough to notice

(6-11) you’re officially a pretending-ass, pandering piece of sh*tty ambivalence. good job, trader joe

(5 or below) why are you even here? shouldnt you be out writing a book or protesting the color orange or some sh*t?

people of vsb.com, where’d you score?

are you an interracial relationship racist, and do you think that a bit of relationship racism has a place in the dating game?

—the champ

Related posts:

1. four completely practical and non-racist reasons why i never have and most likely never will date a white woman
2. …oh, and about the harvard law student and her “racist” email
3. the lightbulb: 8 simple inner “voila!” statements that would make vsb (and every other relationship advice website) obsolete