Life's a b*tch and then you die.

While meandering through the wonderful world of Twitter the other day, I happened upon a conversation with world the world-famous @areefuhstanklin and @basseyworld about fashion tips for men with no fashion taste. Admittedly, a lot of men do indeed lack a fashion sense all their own. Most of the under 25-crowd dresses like 106 & Park (does this show still come on? I actually don’t know) rejects while a lot of the 25-34 crowd has one go to club (and life) outfit: the button up shirt and blazer that Usher and Kanye West made so popular…

…in 2004.

Yes. Confessions AND The College Dropout came out nearly six years ago. Yes. You just might be old.

Thing is, it was inferred that men over age 30 shouldn’t be wearing Timberland’s anymore. And I’m assuming we’re talking the construction boot “butters”. And that is patently wrong. If you’re from the Northeast, Tims are go to shoes for doing any and everything. They’re all purpose like a motherf*cker. While they’re not as comfortable as their popularity might indicate, fact is, for most of us, they’re the non-tennis shoe, non-dress shoe of choice.

So what I’m saying is that @basseyworld was wrong. However, there are certain things that one should give up once you hit age 30. Here’s a list for those that either don’t know, don’t show, or just don’t care about being a menace to South Central (or South Los Angeles now) while drinking their juice in the hood while watching the boring ass Oscars where Zoe Saldana looks like she’s trying to become PETA’s public enemy number one.

1. Aspirations, hopes and dreams of fame and fortune if you’ve been toiling away for 10 years and you’re still only famous in your building

Look, I’m all for the belief that if you see it, you can achieve…except it’s a total lie. T-Boz’s acting job in Belly teaches us that failure is a very real option. Nas’s acting for that matter, too. More than likely, the comments section will be filled with people saying “dreams of being a rapper” and it’s true. You should not start rapping after age 27. Period. It’s tacky and I feel sorry for your mother.

2. Camouflage clothing items

Unless you are specifically called away to a combat zone by the Secretary of Defense, you look like a damn fool. Camo is generally a bad fashion statement anyway, unless you are a Que and also wear purple and gold boots – a combo that is ONLY okay if you’re a Que, kind of like pink and green – but there comes a point where there just is no good reason to put on camo. I’d wager that when rappers stop wearing is that point (like now) but I’ll give you until 30.

3. Cheap colognes and oils from the subway/Metro man

Step your grown person sh*t up and pay for a real fragrance. If you want to smell homeless, then okay, but generally cheap sh*t smells like cheap sh*t.  Go to a real counter and somebody who charges you sales tax.

4. Music that includes odd associations with something called a Wacka Flocka Flame

Wacka’s associations go all over the place from Gucci to Shawty LO to people with worse names. Basically, I’m saying that upon reaching age 30, you should give up on any music from Atlanta that doesn’t involve somebody who worked with the Dungeon Family. Word.Life.

5. Outfits that intentionally include sweat pants

Sweatpants, while all purpose, are really not going to get you too far in life. At a certain point – and yes DC, I’m looking at you – sweat pants should be used for just that, sh*t that makes you sweat. I’ve seen way too many old ass men running around in overpriced designer sweatsuits thinking that looked good. It.did.not.

6. The apostrophes in your name

You know, if you ghetto and all.

7. Dreams of f*ckin’ an R&B b*tch

Biggie dead. Your dream should be too.

That’ll do, pig.

So what else should folks be giving up when they turn 30?

Explore. Explain.

D’extra Wiley.

(Wow. Mo’Nique won!)

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL, HE A 3

Related posts:

1. Is Age Nothing But A Number?: 5 Reasons To Date Somebody Older Than Yourself
2. Get Like We: The Biggest And Most Popular Trends in the Black Community in the last 20 years.
3. The Afterparty: Obama’s America One Year Later

As you all know here, I was just invited to participate in a forum about the edification of Black men down at Florida A&M University (FAMU for the Black-colleged). As we also know, a lot of you have no clue what edification means. Please go look it up. Thank you.

You back? Great.

On this panel was myself, Dr. Steve Perry of CNN’s Black in America 2 fame, Enitan Bereola (author of the book, Bereolaesque, a sort of guide for men about being grown and sexxy and more Diddy-like), and rapper Wale (you probably know him from the you know…)

So pretty much, I was (and still am) the low man on the totem pole. Enitan is FAMU alumni and seemed damn near like FAMU royalty, Dr. Steve Perry is the only lightskinned man in America that all women seem to want, and Wale is, well a rapper. Nobody (well very few people) knew or seemed to give a flying f*ck who I was initially. Hell, even the article writeups and promo stuff in advance more or less mentioned me in passing. Not that I’m offended or anything, I get it, it’s just funny to go somewhere and realize nobody knows who you are and couldn’t care less when there are other famous people around.

So clearly, being the sexxy motherf*cker that I am, I decided that I’d make it a point to make myself memorable. Which if you’ll remember, I’m a 3, so it was a daunting task to say the least. Hell, radio interviews were conducted with all of the panelists…except, um, me. I’m not sure if that was due to timing or because I need to start a “Who is Panama Jackson” campaign but nonetheless, it’s just an interesting feeling to going from being known around one medium to being a virtual unknown in the real world.

Dr. Perry was extremely cool and very “real”. He is exactly who you saw on TV. Though I will say I expected him to be much taller. He’s probably my height or a little shorter, and I ain’t tall. Enitan was cool as his book suggested, toothpick and all. He essentially created an adjective out of his name. He took my sexxy schtick to a whole new level and wrote a book about his methods for conducting himself in life.

Wale. What can one say about Wale? He was initially standoffish at first. Once again, I’m a nobody so I chalked it up to that but he was like that with everybody. Just hella chill. For those that know me, hella chill is something I don’t do. I’m always on so it was hard for me to understand a celebrity falling back so hard. But he opened up at some point (to me at least), after they mentioned that I was from DC and went to UMD for grad school. Which further proves that while in DC, us Black men hate eachother, but outside of the District, it’s all love

The panel itself was pretty dope though I’ll say I felt that we were preaching to the choir a lot. I mean technically, we’re talking to the people that need to hear it the least. College me and women SHOULD be the cream of the crop and the people who already know that they have to go back and institute change in order for us to progress as a people. Then again, I also went to college, at one of those institutions considered to be a beacon of light and all that non-sense and some of the most ignant ninjas in America went to school with me. So perhaps we were talking to the right and wrong people at the same time. We talked about the Black community, the hip-hop community, the media, and women’s impact on Black men and vice versa. Truthfully, the hour and some change slotted wasn’t nearly enough time to really delve into most of the issues but it’s a definite start. Or at least it should be. I would assume that the point of this forum was kind of a jumping off point for future endeavors and the like. Or maybe for a lot of folks it was a Wale concert with an opening act of a bunch of cats telling them that they needed to do better (something I said a few times). I think the panel went well and I’d love to do more of that but like I said, when you talk about the Black community, no amount of time is enough to really delve into the issues, especially talking about Black men. Add to the fact that you’ve got two long winded ninjas (myself and Dr. Perry; that dude can talk) and you really don’t cover as much ground as necessary.

But after the fact, quite a few students talked to me individually about what I’d said and felt I contributed nicely so that was a bonus. At least I wasn’t up there sounding like a dude who ain’t sexxy. I also felt like I at least left an impression. As the most unknown unknown cat up there, I had a job to do and I felt I did it. Blew some opportunities though because we STILL don’t have business cards so all these men wanted to keep in touch and I had to pray they either copied my info down right or can remember the VSB name.

All in all, it was a good experience, save for the chick who pissed on herself in the middle of the forum.

And yes you read that right. FAMU – we got to do better.

Special shout out to Kianta Key who I take it was the overall organizer and really did a phenomenal job managing personalities and an event at a Black school – which means exactly what you think it means. There were a gang of great folks I met at FAMU and I was really happy to be apart of something that I felt made a real difference, unlike my day job. It kind of made me want to return to teaching, specifically at an HBCU. Also, shout out to the cat John Sellers, who created the Mt. Rushmore graphic so many people were hitting me up about. Great guy and really talented, and he also runs this site, Freedom Theory.

And a special shout out to the FAMU community at large and all the new folks I met who added me on twitter forcing me to have to twitter (tweet?) more.

Hopefully, I can find someway to keep contributing to their cause down there. For me it wasn’t just some sh*t to do, it was an opportunity to help make a difference. Just talking about it isn’t enough for me. I’m a Black man and me and my brothers need help. Folks like Dr. Perry make a difference everyday. That needs to be me.

Well that’s the abridged (trust me, I could write a solid 3000 words about all the f*ckery involved in my trip) version. Very Smart Brothas are carving our niche in the world and hopefully this was just a beginning.

Thanks for having a brotha.

Recap. Recapped.

Word.Life.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL, HE A 3

Related posts:

1. Introducing VSB Live
2. A Forum For Black Men: Featuring Panama Jackson, Wale, Dr. Steve Perry and Enitan Bereola
3. The Afterparty: Obama’s America One Year Later

Hey VSB Fam,

Per yesterday’s announcement, we are bringing you the livestream channel of the FAMU Forum for Black Men panel featuring Panama Jackson, Wale, Dr. Steve Perry and Enitan Bereola. You can find the video player, chatroom and social stream on our (new!) VSB Live page. You can view, chat and tweet about the event all from our VSB Live page. Make sure to log back on to VSB Live tonight at 7 PM EST (or 7:30ish) for the livestream to begin.

FYI: We don’t have any control over the show or the stream, but let’s keep our fingers crossed that it all goes as planned If not, Liz will be MIA at the time of the show (flying somewhere!), and won’t be able to update the site, so you might wanna check FAMU Man Rising for any last minute details and changes.

Hope you guys enjoy!

Related posts:

1. A Forum For Black Men: Featuring Panama Jackson, Wale, Dr. Steve Perry and Enitan Bereola
2. Not From Florida, But Whatup FAM: FAMU Recap
3. Valentine’s Day Alternatives for Those Without Plans Or People To Plan Stuff With

What up VSBers,

This is just a quick note to let all the folk in the FAMU/Tallahassee area know VSB’s Panama Jackson will be speaking TOMORROW (Thursday) at their FAMU Man Rising conference. He will be on the Forum For Black Men Panel with Dr. Steve Perry, Wale and Enitan Bereola. Peep the details:

If you’re going, or are in the area and wanna meet up with P, hit us up for more info. The event will be livestreamed too! If and when we get the embed code or link, we’ll create a new post (and possibly a chat) here on VSB tomorrow at 7pm EST. Now back to our scheduled post for the day.

Related posts:

1. Introducing VSB Live
2. Not From Florida, But Whatup FAM: FAMU Recap
3. Valentine’s Day Alternatives for Those Without Plans Or People To Plan Stuff With

If I had money, this rose would have color.

Valentine’s Day is Sunday (in case you forgot). While many of you assumed that my suggestions for the lonely single were tongue-in-cheek, I can assure you that it was filled with the utmost sincerity. Well, it seems slightly unfair to lend a helping hand to one group and not the other; technically that would make me a racist. And I’m so not a racist.

Since the number of strippers is on the rise, we know we’re in an economic recession. That means that nobody has the money to blow $10,000 on romantic getaways to wherever Jay and Beyonce are going. Nope, a lot of us have to stay in our lanes – and I don’t mean the HOV (hey, he has his own lane, already). As my gift to the you, and you (this goes out to you), I decided to come up with a list of Valentine’s Day date options for the economically challenged (or just late as hell on the planning tip).

Follow me.

1) Small-venue concert/show

Clearly I’m not talking U2 or Beyonce, but something a little more intimate and personal (and less expensive), like Viktor Duplaix, Juelz Santana, or perhaps the budget line of Maino featuring Beverly Frankie. Every city with reading Black folks probably has at least one or two neo-soul shows going on. This is a perfect option because neo-soul shows always have slower songs in the set which allow you to pull your date close and hug all up on them and get in some free feels. And if they rebuff those efforts, you can always just fall back into your same ole 2-step towards the bar for a solo shot of Patron while you hit on some other person wearing earthtones and khari shells who thinks Love Jones is a top 2 movie of all time. These people really do exist.

2) Jazz show

Not quite a concert but jazz shows are about as close as you can get to your ID card saying “Cool Motherf*cker”. And they won’t run your pockets like M.O.P. They’re so Brooklyn. For some reason, people assume that jazz apprecionists are cool and deep and cultured. Which totally works in the favor of the person who made the suggestion. It allows for quiet conversations and chances to say, “Yeah, I totally mess with Coltrane” and it not sound like something really nasty that happens with one chick and 12 guys…well you get the picture. Jazz is romance. Jazz is gangsta. Jazz is…life.  No wait, that’s soul music. Dammit, vh1, got me all confrused like a former G-Unit rapper from Nashville.

3) Art gallery

While I myself don’t really care for art galleries so much, I can understand why people enjoy them. It gives you a chance to talk and schmooze over likes and dislikes and see things that aren’t really there in pictures that you’d never ever look at if it wasn’t on a wall in front of you. We also like to call those “regrets”. However, there’s a certain intimacy that is shared by looking at a painting and discussing what you each get out of it. That makes for a great date. Besides, if you say the right things, there’s a solid chance some “that was so deep” roomshaking might occur later on. There’s no aphrodisiac like depth to a reading Black chick. Well, that and Idris Elba.

4) Independent film series

As long as it doesn’t involve Will Ferrell, chances are this won’t go over badly. Plus, you can always pull the “for Valentine’s Day, I wanted to pull you into my world because you’re special to me” card. That’s how I got my girlfriend to go see Chicken Little with me. By the way, that never happened. I went to go see Chicken Little by myself.

That DID happen.

5) Winter picnic

As long as you live in a city that doesn’t get much snow like DC Dallas Miami a winter picnic says thoughtful and resourceful at the same time. Plus, for like 20 bucks you can get some pre-made sammiches from Costco or something so the works already done. Even better if you do it at night so you can do the Lady and The Tramp thing and kiss over the last strand of spaghetti, which I suppose contradicts the Costco sammiches but really that’s your problem not mine, Shar Jackson, so figure it out and hushup the f*ckup all that crying over some spilt milk – literally – cuz KFed looks like he spilt it all then slurped it all up.

What was I talking about again?

Ah yes. Some V-day (no hymen) suggestions. What else might you wonderful VSBers suggest as cost-effective and thoroughly enjoyable dateage?

Don’t be shy. Help your brothers and sisters out.

And Happy Valentine’s Day from your friendly neighborhood Panama.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIRL, HE A 3

This post is one part of our 2010 Valentine’s Day Triple Threat Celebration! Check out our other two selections:

• why we need valentine’s day – the champ
• Cupid’s Hunt Special Podcast/Playlist

Related posts:

1. How To Snag A Last Minute Valentine’s Date
2. Is Age Nothing But A Number?: 5 Reasons To Date Somebody Older Than Yourself
3. four completely practical and non-racist reasons why i never have and most likely never will date a white woman

I came across this fascinating, yet seemingly hyperbolic, article in the Atlanta Journal-Constitution about difficult economic times are increasing the number of women trying to get on the pole. And people say the recession is a problem; anything that puts more women on a pole is alright with me. While I think that some of the financial “facts” are indeed debatable, the fact is, strippers get that dough – especially in Atlanta. In fact, in Black America when people think stripping they think Atlanta. Gentlemen, guard your daughters. If she really wants to move to Atlanta but has yet to apply to Spelman, I hate to tell you but she’s gonna be making it clap more than 40 Negroes at a houseparty when Soho Earth People’s “Hot Music” comes on.

Hot muuuuuuuusic. (Anybody else notice that this song always sounds better when followed up by Aly-Us’s “Follow Me”?)

Here’s a snippet of the economics in the article:

The strip club economy

Clubs: U.S.: 3,829

Metro Atlanta: 19

Economic impact: U.S. $15 billion

Metro Atlanta: $240 million-plus

Employment: U.S.: 500,000

Estimated annual earnings of Atlanta dancers: $20 million

Anybody else surprised that there are only 19 strip clubs in metro Atlanta? Me too. But if true, damn that’s good money.

Well this got me to thinking. People often joke that when times get tough, women should start stripping. Truth is….that’s true. There are so many upsides and really the only downside is that whole self-esteem, sense of self-worth bull malarkey. Face it, pride and options are for rich and beautiful people. If you were either, you wouldn’t be thinking about stripping, now would you?

Oh, the upsides: cash business (avoid some of those pesky taxes through self-reporting), you get to meet really nice people who really care about you, you get to stay up on the newest music, and the coup de grace, you get to TOTALLY be a dancer as your profession! Take that Alvin Ailey.

As if.

While I’d totally suggest to any woman out there to hit the pole when times get tough, there are other job options when times get tough, and there not all just for women. Men are feeling the brunt of the storm too. Right now, it really is hard out here for a pimp. Which brings me to number one.

1) Prostitute

Most women claim to love sex anyway, might as well get paid for it. And not with fancy dinners to Olive Garden, either. Of course, you might have to pay a cut to some guy with a perm, a pinky ring, and really long fingernails, but every job has its issues. Though I can’t lie, having a boss named Sweet Curly Gloom Hand Jones might make me rethink that whole hoin’ thing. Luckily, I got one hangin’ and two swangin’.

2) Customer Service Representative

Preferably for Verizon or some other such f*ckery of a company. While I realize that most people loathe customer service, there is no better job security right now. With nearly everything going digital, people are prone to have issues. There’s ALWAYS a job available because in effect, people don’t know how to properly plug sh*t in. Of course, you’ll have to move to India or Kazakhstan and name yourself “Bobby” or “Mary” but whatever, it’s for the kids.

3) Funeral Home employee or director

When times get tough, people start kickin’ off faster than three Brazilians with a ball and an open field. Much like taxes, death is the only other guarantee in life. Even crappy funeral homes get business because wheredeydodatat? Crappy parts of town. Of course, the “I see dead people” joke probably gets old 2 seconds after you start working there but you get to totally lay in caskets and pretend to be a vampire. Rar.

4) Bartender

This one is surprising because people tend to drink less, well, less expensively during an economic downtime, however, if you’re the bartender and your life is sucking, you’ve got all the liquor you need at your own disposal to drink away the pain. You might get fired for drinking on the job, but hell, you could always go strip.

5) Pedi – cab operator in NYC

If you live in Boise this is probably not an option, but these cats ALWAYS have customers. It’s probably because there are a lot of sadists out there who get some kind of sick pleasure out of making some guy work his heart out for 10 bucks and 2 blocks. Of course, if you do take this kind of job you’re probably a bit masochistic anyway so its a perfect match since S & M go together like Rihanna and eye jammies.

Those are a few suggestions. Good workers of VSB, have you any occupational suggestions for our economically strapped community members?

Put it on the glass.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL, HE A 3

Related posts:

1. no he didnt!: the five worst times to approach a black woman
2. It’s Over Now: Things You Should Give Up At Age 30
3. Nothing Like the Ol’ Skool: 6 Things That I Hope Don’t Happen When I Get Old.

You are the father. But you aren't a relationship role model. Stop it.

Don’t kick your girl down a flight of stairs. Check.

Don’t stab him or cut off his Junior F. Baby. Check.

Do not under any circumstances drop kick his mother and then suplex her while doing a trapeze act. Check.

Do not compare her to Michelle Obama and say, “she supports her man, I’ll bet Obama gets to backdoor that Amazon!”. Check.

Say you made a mistake of not picking a certain girl when you’re “girlfriend” is on the way to talk to you. Check.

Cheat. Check.

When it comes to relationships, most of us know the big things not to do. Anything that causes bodily harm, mental anguish and/or agony, or you to end up an episode of Oprah, Maury, or that show I saw yesterday hosted by William Shatner is probably something that you really don’t want to do in a relationship. And you know this already. Congratulations, scholar. Gold star for Marcus.

However, there’s a whole other layer of subtle but ever-present daily cockups that occur from sea to shining sea. So I figure that with all of my intuition and knowhow (and knownothow) why not share share share. That way, you keep a man, and you keep a man, and you keep a woman, and you keep a woman. Yay. Plus, remember that crime fighting initiative that The Champ and I have been on? We just got our numbers back during Comstat and skillet scalpings are down a solid 23 percent in the past 3 months and I’d like to think that we have something to do with that. Please. And thank you.

Aw shuga no no no.

1) Say No to simple things in public

While I understand the need to say no when he “accidentally” tries to plug the wrong hole or she asks you to wear lipstick and you’re not in Clown College or from LA, if your girl asks you for a bottle of water at a BBQ and you’re closer to the cooler, you really shouldn’t say “no” and tell her to get it herself if she really wants some water. That just makes her look bad…in public and it’s a simple request that if fulfilled won’t result in a conversation later on. Really that’s what relationships are all about, doing what it takes to avoid the unnecessary conversations that you don’t want to have in the first place. And if anything, you don’t want your significant other to look like an idiot to everybody. Just say no to saying “no”.

Speaking of in public…

2) Call them out

Everybody needs to be called on their BS at some point. Just this morning, I called my cat out on her non-sensical ass insistence on meowing loud as hell until one of us beckons her. It really is that bullsh*t. However, I ‘d never do that around company. It’s just rude and its inside business, ya dig? Same with gf/bf. So what their being foreclosed on AND filing for bankruptcy. That’s your inside knowledge. Do you really need to bring that up when he wagers $20 on a football game and you feel he needs to fall back from that bet because of that little Chapter 11-style funny sh*t he’s going through? To his mother? Methinks no.

3) Openly question their decision-making ability

Look, I know that there’s no good reason to put chili pepper in cheesecake, but if your man is making the cake and somehow determines that chili pepper is going to give it that extra kick, well dammit, you ride out with that decision unless it might kill somebody. Later on, you are more than able to call him out on that BS (see #2) and make sure not to let his ass within 100 feet of an open range, but if he’s cooking for a group, you better drop that sh*t and roll wit’ it.

4) Pass the buck

In a relationship, whether you like it or not,  you become a “we”. If you two throw a party and you don’t like her coaster party, you can’t be like, “well, personally, I don’t give a sh*t if you leave a ring on this fine oak piece of Amish furniture from Lancaster County, PA,  but you know she be trippin’ so use a coaster, doggy snacks.” That’s just f*cked up. Take some ownership and remember #3.

Now, these four things will help you stay happy but good people of VSB, are there others? I’m sure there are. Do share.

Do.

Panamajackson? Tell him.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL, HE A 3

Related posts:

1. Youzealie: 10 Most Common Lies People Tell in A Relationship
2. the lightbulb: 8 simple inner “voila!” statements that would make vsb (and every other relationship advice website) obsolete
3. milk was a bad choice: 10 signs that you’re in a sh*tty relationship

In less than a week, the Hallmark creation that has complicated more relationships than Facebook will descend upon, well, everybody. Nobody is immune from Valentine’s Day. If you have somebody, you’re reminded that you need to make it memorable. If you don’t have anybody, everyday without a date is like your alarm clock on snooze: sure you’d like to sleep thru V-day, but television, Sarah Palin’s hand notes, and CVS’s discount rack keep reminding you that you’ve got nobody.

Like, nothing AND nobody. As in loneliness.

As of 10pm, both of the VSBs had somebody to spend Valentine’s day with, but that doesn’t mean we can’t empathize with those individuals sans date. We make it our business to be in business of problem solving and world happiness. It’s a gift and a curse really. Kind of like Jay’s Blueprint 2, except we’re actually worth listening to.

Odd question time: Didn’t Jay’s inclusion in the Super Bowl and his “mashup” seem kind of forced? I’m as big a fan of Jay as everybody else and Reasonable Doubt is hands down one of the 5 albums I couldn’t live without, but when it’s all said and done, aside from a number’s game, is Jay’s actual musical contribution that noteworthy? Just fodder for convo. Short of the first Blueprint, has Jay really spearheaded music into any new territories? He changed hip-hop for a few years and he’s the GOAT and all, but I find him performing with like a 40-piece orchestra, slightly ridiculous and an overstatement.

So here’s some ideas to get your motor running (since you have to do it yourself anyway  – no roadside assistance):

1) Crocheting – It’s slightly scary how many 30+ women I know who are actually into crocheting as a hobby. I used to assume that it was for the 70+ crowd since there really isn’t sh*t else to do while you wait to meet Jesus. Plus it doesn’t require much mobility, and what with all the old mothertruckers killing people at Whole Foods and outdoor markets, anything that keeps seniors in their rocking chairs is alright with me. Anyway, all it takes is some string, some needles (no Baltimore) and some creativity. Oh yeah, and talent, which is hard to come by. However, you were probably going to spend all your time watching pr0n, throw in a crocheting DVD and learn a skill you might actually use.

2) Snuggie Beer Crawl - They had one of these in DC a few months back and I heard about them in Chicago as well. If you can’t lick ‘em, join ‘em. And trust me, most people running around in Snuggies in broad daylight or at a bar are doing this because they don’t have anybody in their lives who loves them enough to say, “hey, stop it.” Love Misery loves company so just send out of those viral emails that results in legions of virgins and 16-year old college seniors meeting up and arguing about the 382nd number of pi. Beats the hell out of a solo Snuggie Beer Crawl which I’m pretty sure is called being sloppy drunk which is like so, ewww.

3) Online Battleship - This game f*cking rocks when you play with real people so I assume it’s pretty cool when you play against ROBOT1 too. Then again, with the advances in Internet technology, you can probably play legions of games with other gamers from across the world. And technically, if you plan to do it ahead of time it’s a date, so there you go. You can have a date with BigRobLove735. You just can’t see or touch him. We call that marriage at age 80.

4) Netflix Night – You probably suck at picking movies for a group of people. But fret not, MOST PEOPLE suck at picking movies for a group. But lucky for you, you have nobody to please but yourself so it can be all The Tale of Desperaux, A Scanner Darkly, and The Tony Yayo Story, to your heart’s content.

So good hearted people of the VSB, what are some other Valentine’s Day alternatives that folks might not think about?

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL, HE A 3

ADMIN NOTE: On February 18, I’ll be at FAMU as a guest speaker at their 4th State of the Black Student Summit along with Dr. Steve Perry, Enitan Bereola, TJ Rose and another celeb panelist. I’m honored to be asked to be there and speak on the Edification of The Black Man. I know nothing about Tallahassee so I’ll be depending on you folks to let me know what to get into (if anything). Do we have any FAMU folks here…holla at the kid. Anyway, bigups to FAMU for bringing Panama “I Speak of Myself in 3rd Person” Jackson to speak about Blackness, no Kool-Aid.

Related posts:

1. Love You For Free (Or Something Like It): Valentine’s Day Date Options That Won’t Cost You A Fortune
2. Youzealie: 10 Most Common Lies People Tell in A Relationship
3. Blackness 101: 10 Things All Black People Should (At Least) Be Aware Of…

It's pretty 'til I had to shovel it.

Unless you get all of your news from TMZ or BET, you’ve heard that the mid-Atlantic region, and specifically the Washington, DC area got dumped on by snow to the tune of 18-30 inches.  For some of us, it’s a welcome, though inconvenient, mini-vacation and time to rest up because you really have no choice. But for some others, being snowed in can be that total bullsh*t.

Oh, by the way, congratulations to all the Saints fans, real and as of this season or proximity-ass fans who decided to jump on the bandwagon yesterday. It was a good game. I can’t even imagine what the French Quarter is like right now. Wish I was there.

Back to business.

While most folks love to hear that their job is closed on a Monday, for everybody it’s not all peaches and cream, peaches and herbs, or strawberry letter 23s. Here’s why:

1) You have to actually dig OUT of snow

Between Saturday and Sunday, I spent a sum total of more than 5 hours shoveling snow. No wonder slavery sucked so bad, aside from the obvious. I have a long walkway and a sizeable sidewalk that I’m responsible for. Condo living never looked so good in my life. Coupled with the fact that this is the 2nd snowiest winter in DC history and I’m about damn tired of snow and everything that comes with it. Oh yeah, AND we’re supposed to get ANOTHER damn snow fall on Tuesday night. The good thing is that all the neighbors come out together to shovel snow. The bad thing is that I have a lot of OLD neighbors. Just imagine the old gay guy from Family Guy out shoveling snow while he’s trying to lure the kiddies into his home with hot chocolate and Lincoln Logs. Shoveling your own snow sucks. Shoveling the snow of an 98-year-old who’s outside “helping” sucks ten times worse.

2) Getting snowed in with somebody you hate

Being stuck with somebody you hate is the worst part of a snow storm. There’s no reason to speak to them and you’re not going to see them naked. There is absolutely no upside here. In effect, you’re stuck inside with somebody who repulses you and you can’t go anywhere but outside to shovel snow. You know you really don’t like somebody when shoveling 2 feet of snow seems like a good way to pass the time, mostly because unless you’re training for the strongman Olympics in Helsinki, it’s NEVER a good way to pass time.

3) No matter how many groceries you get,  you always forget to get stuff you actually want

For some strange reason, being locked in for days makes you yearn for foods you normally could live without. All of a sudden you REALLY want that pizza from Pizza Hut that cannot be delivered without getting your Iranian delivery guy who actually is at work waiting to make a delivery stuck on the road your city is planning on plowing but somehow hasn’t got to yet. DC, I’m looking at you. Plus, you really can’t just eat water, no matter what that Australian cat who hit the big kahuna via a stingray might have told you before. Plus, you know how Black folks are, bought all kinds of bread but forgot to get sandwich meat. Got people eating loaf sandwiches with sugar on top. Or you could just go get some snow and everybody can eat sno-cones. Don’t eat the yellow snow though.

4) You get snowed OUT of your home

Across the DC area, there are people stuck at airports waiting to leave, stuck at other people’s homes, etc. If there’s one thing that sucks more than being stuck IN your own home for days on end, it’s being stuck OUT of your home for days on end. No using your own shower in your own bathroom and sleeping in your own bed. Plus, that usually leads to number 2 at some point. I mean if you’re stuck out of your own place for a while, you’re gonna get edgy and piss somebody off. It’s the law of nature. Well that and “eat things that are smaller than you unless your name is Shaq”.

For me, this isn’t a terrible experience; I don’t have any of those problems save number 1, but I do realize how it can suck. Good VSBiens, for what other reasons might it suck to get snowed in? Amuse me while I kiss the sky.

(Really I just wanted to vent somethings though; I REALLY hate shoveling snow.)

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL, HE A 3

Admin Note: By the way, I have an announcement of an upcoming stop I’m making that involves Florida, unicorns, and midgets, and not necessarily in that order. We going global.

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2. 10 Reasons Why You Will Absolutely Not Get A Call Back
3. you need to stop it now: seven signs that you might suck in the sack

My current favorite commercials are by Bud Light where they attempt to display just how perfect Bud Light through the extremes of various daily activities. The one with the driving dog is hands down my favorite but only because I swear I saw Tupac driving down Central Avenue in Maryland one day.

Makes no sense, does it? Aw shuga no no no.

Well those commercials got me to thinking about other areas of life where people just might take things too far. Relationships, for instance. In every relationship, there are tests. The tests vary; some are for endurance, others are for sanity and peace of mind, which comes with every piece of the rock.

Prudential.

While these tests exist and will exist as long as man dangles, and patience is a virtue, everybody has a breaking point. I mean we all get pissed for things. But there are some lines that shouldn’t be crossed. And in the spirit of my good friends at Bud Light and their comical depiction of the medium, allow me to bump that up two sizes to XL. Basically, let’s look at some situations that might piss you off but you’ll learn to deal with and then the point where they’ve crossed the line. This is educational, kiddies. Pull out the trusty #2, take notes, and shut the f*ck up while Professor Panama is speaking. Did Panama just go too f*cking far?

Possibly. But f*ck your couch. He’s sexxy. This is what he does.

FOLLOW ME.

1) Sex Tape

Not Happy – After 3 months of dating and boinking, you find out that you’ve been taped on nearly every romp in the sack, including the time you sang the theme song from Pirates of Penzance off key while wearing a checkered table cloth and some tassles.

Crossed The Line – You find out that you’ve been taped by Googling yourself and finding your videos on youtube and you’re not even one of the most viewed videos.

2) A Little Physical Violence

Not Happy – Amidst an argument, you get slapped upside the back of your head, with people watching. You might be pissed as all hell, but you ain’t exactly gonna break up with them because of a little head slap.

Crossed The Line – Amidst an argument, you get hit with THE PEOPLE’S ELBOW. That’s grounds for dismissal and an all out air assault on their assesses.

3) Tattoo

Not Happy – You wake up in the morning to find out that your girl has placed a 4-day temporary tattoo of her name across your forehead and she thinks its a hilarious joke. Not that I’d suggest this for real, but you should kick her down the stairs.

Crossed The Line – You wake up to realize that you have your bf/gf’s name tatted across your abdomen in Sanskrit because they took you out and got you drunk enough that you thought it wasn’t a bad idea because, you know, you’re in love and sh*t.

4) Nudity

Not Happy – Your girl walks around nude all the time despite your please to put those puppies away because if they start hanging any lower, you’ll have to enter them into a Ludacris “How Low Can You Go”  contest with the Twerk Team. (NSFW…you’re welcome).

Crossed The Line – Your girl walks around nude WHEN YOUR BOYS ARE THERE. You have to drop her dunny. I mean really, you can’t just play that sh*t off like, “yo, ignore her, B. She’s just looking for attention.” Mission accomplished. You can’t even be mad at your boys either. I’ve seen dudes stare at nude crackheads. There’s something about Mary nudity.

5) Little white lies

Not Happy – Your girl tells you she’s taking you to a Jay-Z concert but she’s really taking you to the opera. Talk about a blower. And not a good one either. Not that I don’t have an appreciation for opera…oh wait, Panama TOTALLY doesn’t give a sh*t about opera.

Crossed The Line – Your girl tells you she’s taking you to a Jay-Z concert but she’s really taking you to Maury Povich to tell you that you might not be the father of your child. Somebody might have to die. Seriously, can you imagine that shock? How pissed would you be if you ended up on THAT show? Or Jerry Springer?

So good people of VSB, what crosses the line for you?

And remember, it’s Friday, let’s have fun. Be sexxy like Panama.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL, HE A 3

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