Very Smart Brothas » panama jackson

Why Kanye Matters so Gotdamn Much

The Champ — Wed, 01 Sep 2010 04:02:50 +0000

Panama: so i know a lot of women who absolutely love kanye west and i can honestly say i dont get it. like i cant tell if they want to be with him? or if his swag is attractive to them or what…

kanye being an attractive human being is an oddity to me

Champ: i think they like what he produces and what he’s capable of producing more than anything else

the art more than the artist

i mean, i guess that explains why guys like paul mccartney and lyle lovett have had their pick of beautiful women

the idea of kanye matters more than he does

well, not more, but just as much

women love big ideas and potential more than they love us, lol

and kanye is a big f*cking idea

Panama: that is true

Champ: but yeah, you’re right. he’s a sex symbol who women don’t seem to want to have sex with

its weird. i’ve never believed any of the “kanye’s gay” rumors, but i have a hard time believing he was sleeping with amber rose, or anyone for that matter

Panama: good point

Champ: but, he’s also admitted to a porn addiction, and i’ve heard from a few sources that he’s not particularly shy about whipping it out in public, lol

Panama: apparently a lot of guys aren’t

i’ve had chicks tell me numerous times of dudes i know who they’ve been with on some one-on-one hang shit and dude will just pull his shit out

Champ: i knew a guy in college who’d hand women business cards with a pic of him holding his wang

i always wondered who took those pictures for him

Panama: lol

Midway through our latest podcast, I made a completely extemporaneous remark about Kanye West being one of the most important black people in the world; a statement so extemporaneous and unexpected you can hear the shock in my own voice when I said it. This surprise was largely based on the fact that I didn’t believe a single word of what I had just said.

But, because the verbal edit button–a device allowing you to delete reckless things you’ve said before anyone actually hears it–hasn’t been invented yet, I went full speed ahead, citing Kanye’s pandemic effect on our culture as proof of my statement’s truth. Surprisingly, the more I spoke, the more I realized this theory wasn’t that far fetched. Culture–the way we behave, how we interact, and what we believe–f*cking matters. And, regardless of how superficial you consider their particular contributions to be, our living and breathing cultural determinants–our Jay-Zs’, our Kardashians, our Beyonces–f*cking matter too.

Kanye, his brand of unabashed and simultaneously insecure self-confidence, and the art this volatile mixture created, has done more to spearhead this current era of hip-hop androgyny we live in than any other entity. Ironically, this makes him a bit of a throwback. His visceral emoting and occasional bouts of hyper-heterosexual aggression hearken back to the 80′s, when lascivious and sexually ambiguous performers such as Prince, Madonna, Cyndi Lauper, and Boy George ruled the airwaves. I’m not suggesting Kanye is in fact bi or homosexual, but his particular type of emotiveness is unlike any we’ve seen in hip-hop, and by osmosis he’s helped to pave the way to mainstream acceptance and embrace for (among other things) Drake, skinny jeans, Lady Gaga, Rhianna, blazers, Nicky Minaj, eyeglasses, B.O.B., blogging (yes. blogging), Lil Wayne, frohawks, and Twitter.

Despite all of this, I’ve always wondered what exactly it is about Kanye that allows him to wield such a cultural influence. How the hell does this tiny guy from the Chi have so much power? While his persona is (somewhat) original in a hip-hop context, the characteristics contributing to this persona are completely unoriginal. His critically lauded sample-heavy and soulful production is somewhat of a copy of music the RZA was making in 1995. While he’s definitely improving as a rapper, he’ll never be confused for a “natural” like a Nas or even a Scarface. And, by the time “The College Dropout” was released, the emotive eccentricity and eclecticism he’s known for had already been “done” (and, arguably, done better) by Andre 3000. He’s basically an HD compatible betamax.

The insane buzz over his two relatively underwhelming new singles (“Power” and “Hear Me Now”. Although, I have to admit I love “Hear Me Now” and the “Power” remix) have helped me figure it out: It’s not Kanye himself as much as it’s the idea of Kanye–and what we think he’s capable of–that matters so gotdamn much. This explains why each of his albums (even the sucky ones I eventually allowed to grow on me) are cultural landmarks even among those who love hip-hop but hate him and/or his music. This helps me understand how we’ve allowed a man who has made entire albums based around the idea that college is a sham and publicly admitted to not reading books (ha!) to be the de facto musical spokesperson for the young and college educated African-American. This even explains why (many) women are completely infatuated by him despite the fact that they probably wouldn’t sleep with him if given the chance.

With Kanye, it’s not so much about who he is or what he’s accomplished as much as it’s who we want him to be and what he just might do. While he has definitely produced, the power we’ve given him lies in the fact that his otherworldly range of personality makes him potential personified, and this makes him completely unstable and completely impervious to prediction—exactly like culture. He’s a living and breathing cultural cipher for our Id’s and expectations (whatever they might be), and he matters so gotdamn much because we need him to.

—The Champ

***By the way, If you haven’t done so yet, check out “The Black Blog Tea Party“, The Champ’s latest piece at Clutch Magazine***

10 Relationship Facts – Panama Jackson Style

Panama Jackson — Fri, 27 Aug 2010 04:14:19 +0000

1. Love hurts just like Ralph Tresvant told us.

Who’d have thought the dude who brought us possibly the 3rd gayest song in history behind only Carl Thomas’ “Emotional” and The Village People’s “YMCA” would be spitting so much knowledge. Real talk, if you’ve never been in pain, you’ve never been in love.

2. If the woman isn’t smiling when you meet her, you should keep on walking.

While chicks who smile too much might look like The Joker in The Dark Knight, the fact is that chicks who are scowling will get you dead and probably don’t believe in fellatio or Christmas.

3. You should always feel comfortable with the person you’re with.

If it ever feels like you have to walk on eggshells or temper what you say, it’s time for an intervention or a resolution. Word to Aaliyah. RIP.

4. Try not to live with regrets.

Regrets f*cking suck. You never want to wish you had said something more or done something else. Plus, the Jay-Z song off of Reasonable Doubt was dope but truth is, it was the gayest song on that entire album. And nobody wants to be associated with the gayest song on an album. Except maybe Jay-Z who ALSO made the song “Lucky Me” on Volume 1 which might be the absolute fruitiest hiphop song in history.

5. Do not kick squirrels in the presence of somebody you’re interested in.

While I’m not a big fan of squirrels, you never know who is and who’s watching. If you kick a squirrel you might miss out on the woman or man of your dreams because, well, they love squirrels and bushy tails. F*ck bushy tails personally, but hey, some people believe in PETA and their causes. Me? My closet looks like a pet cemetery. Word to Cam’ron.

6. Don’t try to control love.

Let love control you. Well, feelings at least. The more you try to control the dating process the more everything will go haywire and somebody will want to stab you with a pitchfork and two sets of matches from a Marriott hotel out in Poughkeepsie. I’ve never been there but I imagine it sucks monkey nuts.

7. If you don’t feel a spark initially, and you’re a woman, take a chance on love. If you’re man, keep on walking.

I know, double standards are a motherf*cker but the truth is, men can grow on women. The opposite is not true. If a dude isn’t feeling a chick upfront, there’s no chance in Hades that she’ll grow on him unless he lives in a Midwestern city like Omaha where I imagine Black booty is at a premium. Of course if you’re into snow bunnies and cornstalk love then maybe this is all moot. But really, I have no clue what I’m talking about right now anyway so hi-five an Amish dude.

8. Communication is at least the mailbox key.

Which is why dating a deaf or mute person is not going to work out so well. Not that they can’t communicate. What with technology the way it is nowadays, a deaf person can have a full fledge text relationship with somebody of sound (PUN) organs without missing a beat. But really, share your feelings and your thoughts as much as possible except on Sundays and during the NBA Playoffs. Sure we all know that communication is key to a healthy relationship, but when was the last time that Oprah or a grown arse man who didn’t dress in drag told you this? It’s been a long time. Word to Rakim.

9. Lie until you have to tell the truth.

Whoa. Did Panama just say lie? Yes he did. If you have somebody worth loving, then sometimes you are going to have to reframe your convos in such a way that is disingenuous to how you feel. As long as you’re not lying about cheating, making sure that the way you present info helps the other person feel better about themselves is a small price to pay. Like paying for shoestrings in Taiwan. But, if they won’t let you live or be great and keep forcing the issue, well, f*ck them up against the wall and make them check the rhyme. What does that mean? It means that Rock The Bells with ATCQ is here this weekend in Maryland and I won’t be there. Go me.

10. Realize that nobody will love you as much as you love yourself.

If you’re relying on somebody else to make you feel good about yourself than you are hustling backwards. People are inherently selfish and out for their own good first and foremost. Do you first and let other’s fall in line. If they don’t fall in live, electric slide their arses right on down the road. And um stay away from too much plastic surgery. Word to Michael Jackson. RIP and happy birthday, ninja.

Those are some facts from Panama Jackson. From the heart. What are some relationship facts that you subscribe to and follow at all times?

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka KING JACKSON aka KING BEEF aka VITAMIN P aka 40 P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

Also shoutouts to everybody I met tonight at the Blogger Happy Hour in DC. My friend with the with the bootleg business cards, my Asian Latina friend and her homey who loves Champ and not PJ, the two chicks from Hampton with the never-ending donks, the Deltas who danced with gay guys, the homey who travelled with the chick who sounds like a drink waiting to happen, the homey who got buzzed off of one martini, Leon, Dr. Jay from SBM and various other sites, homey from DC to BC and the folks putting the happy on, Usual Suspectz. It was fun. We must do it again!

Why The DEA Has It Right And Other Odd Skills That Might Help You Find A Job

Panama Jackson — Thu, 26 Aug 2010 04:06:00 +0000

Much like everybody else, I found out that the Drug Enforcement Agency (DEA) was looking for translators with proficiency in Ebonics via Twitter. Like most people I also didn’t pay it any mind. But I kept hearing people jokingly talk about it and I decided to look it up myself and sure enough, the ACTUAL DEA was looking to hire people to help them translate conversations picked up on wiretaps a la HBO’s The Wire.

Sonofb*tch.

“DEA’s position is, it’s a language form we have a need for,” Sanders said. “I think it’s a language form that DEA recognizes a need to have someone versed in to conduct investigations.”

The translators, being hired in the agency’s Southeast Region — which includes Atlanta, Georgia; Washington; New Orleans, Louisiana; Miami, Florida; and the Caribbean — would listen to wiretaps, translate what was said and be able to testify in court if necessary, he said.

And Ebonics is no longer spoken only by African-Americans, Sanders said, referring to it as “urban language” or “street language.” He said he is aware of investigations in recent years in which it was spoken by African-Americans, Latinos and white people. “It crosses over geographic, racial and ethnic backgrounds,” he said.

You know, I realize that a lot of people might think this is absolutely ridiculous. And to them I say, pishtosh. I think its absolutely ridiculous to NOT have people who are fluent in urban language translating these tapes. Think about this. The ONLY person who was thru and thru from Baltimore on The Wire was Snoop. Do you know how many episodes it took for me to understand just what the f*ck she was saying? And I speak fluent ATL, a language that has baffled many a ninja. Now imagine a bunch of tapes FULL of people who sound like Snoop. And then add the myriad slanguages and dialects that we as a people are known to employ. I, myself, have said that some of these ninjas are speaking a different language.

So go you, DEA, for being an innovator in law enforcement. And think about all of the jobs (well 9) it will create. And think of the potential it opens up to other people of non-conventional skill during these tough economic times. No longer is that thing you do just a “thing”. It’s a possible resume talking point.

Such as?

Glad you asked.

Along the same lines of understanding and translating Ebonics…

1. The ability to be…ya know…Black

In the 70′s and 80′s our enemy was mother Russia and Germany and Italy. Not anymore. Now the people we have beef with look a lot like…ninjas. Have you ever wanted to play cops and robbers except in a situation where you DIDN’T end up in jail? Espionage might be right up your alley. Them Pakistanis, Afghans, and Middle Easterners in general look more like Black people than they do Ken dolls. Somebody call the CIA stat. You telling me that Freeway can’t fit in over in Saudi Arabia as a spy?

2. The ability to “bust” on demand

Look, Montana Fisburne has taught us that turning to pr0n isn’t a bad thing. Especially during a recession, special chex-related skills have to be at premium when people are paying less. If you have a marketable skill like the ability to bust on demand – a skill I heard some guy say he was making his living on – you might want to call Vivid Films and get an interview. Bang Bros ALWAYS seems to have a need. Not that I know anything about that.

3. Being one of those folks who could store large amounts of narcotics in odd places in their bodies with limited physical detriment

You know what I mean. I’m talking drug mules who’d store cocaine in their anus or swallow drugs and then regurgitate them once they reach a locale. What with all of the biological warfare countries are employing, you could sneak that crap into an airport in Yemen and let it loose undetected by everybody and win one for the gipper. Of course, there’s no way in hell you could get any insurance since you’re drop description would be “biological drug mule for the greater good of America” but you win some you lose some.

4. Nicki Minaj fans

I believe we could check the mental defectiveness of America’s youth by determining how much Nicki Minaj average people could take. Once we toppled her, we could move to Ke$ha and then Justin Bieber (who I actually like) to determine which one’s make the greatest torture tactic. Face it, Eminem’s getting all inspirational and sh*t now. Even our Muslim brothers don’t hate him anymore.

This one is gonna be abtract so follow me…

5. Shiny ninjas

You know the folks who are always just greasy and shiny? What if the government started using them to refract sunrays in order to create alternative energy sources. Take all that sunlight and beam them off a shiny ninjas skin into a storehouse for solar energy. You don’t think Vaseline wouldn’t get in on this? I’m sure they would. Just for being greasy as f*ck.

Deep.

Anyway, I think the DEA has the right idea. But my good VSB bredren and bredreness’, what are some other odd skills that could be marketable in these economic times?

Talk to me, Petey.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka KING JACKSON aka GO KING BEEF aka 40 P aka VITAMIN P aka GIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

AND PS TO MY DMV FAMILY, DON’T FORGET THE BLOGGER HAPPY HOUR BEING CO-HOSTED BY MYSELF, BIG SNOOP DOGG PANAMA JACKSON AND OTHER BLOGGERS OF NOTE AT THE PARK AT 14TH STREET TODAY FROM 5-10PM. IF YOU’RE COMING, HOLLA AT A PLAYA ON TWITTER OR ON THE STREET TRICK SO WE CAN KICK IT OLD SCHOOL.

Things Drunk White People Do That Black People Don’t Do…Unless We’re Being Black

Panama Jackson — Wed, 25 Aug 2010 04:00:40 +0000

Drunk white people are a trip. How do I know this? Because I’ve had some close encounters with them.

And let me put this out there upfront, I’m scared of drunk white people. Drunk white people make me feel very uncomfortable like there’s always a fight that’s about to break out and if anybody ends up in jail, it will probably be…me. Especially with drunk white dudes. I don’t stay around those cats long. I saw the Scottsboro Boys, Face/Off, and Roadhouse. Oh yeah, and you remember that scene in The Little Mermaid where the drunk white cat starts hanging with the albatross and then eats eggs and dances with plates? Drunk white dudes did all that.

You see, drunk white people garner the same reaction from reading Black people that all Black people draw from white folks. Amazing how the stereotypes just flip-flop when you add some Pabst Blue Ribbon and Jager-bombs to the mix. Actually, I have no idea what the white libation of choice is but I will say that I only know one Black cat who’s ever ordered a White Russian, because it has milk…and you KNOW Black folks are lactose intolerant.

The more you know.

*ding*

Anyway, here are things that drunk white people do when they’re drunk that Black people don’t do.

1. Get loud and belligerent as f*ck

While we, the Black people, are loud by nature – face it, we are – drunk white people take being loud to a whole new level. Especially the chicks. Thing is as opposed to yelling about important things like why the white man is the devil like my Hebrew Israelite friends in NYC do, white chicks yell about where their friends are and say, “I’m so drunk” over and over very loudly. Drunk white guys like to yell out the word, “bro” a lot, which is also different from our standard greeting (at least in the Southern states) of “bruh”.

I remember once while Chappelle’s Show was on the air a group of white dudes driving thru Adam’s Morgan in a cab yelling out to every Black person, “daaaaaaaaaaarkness”. And I’d have been mad if it wasn’t so gosh darn funny. Bazinga1

2. Fight

I know us ninjas are a fighting breed. I’m watching Martin right now and he just got into a fight with an old woman. See, we just do that. But drunk white people fight any and everybody. A drunk white guy just can’t stop himself from punching a hole into something and then going all “rager” while his drunk girlfriend tries to pull him away from the other drunk parties as they take off their shirts to show off the their muskels and prove that they can handle anything. Pride is the number one killer of Black men between birth and death. Alcohol and insider trading is the same for white people.

3. Go gay

Not sure why being drunk makes all white girls think its okay to tongue each other down. And it’s not like I’m complaining either. While it doesn’t do anything for me it would be rude of me to try to rob somebody else of the joy of seeing two snowbunnies ski each other’s slopes. But why does that happen? Ain’t no way in f*ck that two Black women are going to slob each other down because of liquor like white people. But yep, the pinks feel eachother up and grab boobs and arses, lick one another and taste the rainbow. By the way, tasting the rainbow is gay.

4. Invade personal space

All white people go all Napoleon when they’re drunk. Which is saying something since white people don’t respect personal space when they’re NOT drunk. But noooooope, drunk white people get all up in your grill and disrespect the 6-9 inch rule. This is the main reason I don’t do drunk white people. The entitlement issues developed during slavery manifest themselves at clubs where they embark their tyrannical reign of imperialist curmudgeonry by stepping on my toes and whipping me with their hair whilst elbowing me because we’re sharing the same square foot of space. I hate sharing square foots, son. Hate it. But that’s a drunk pink for you. Oh, and Black folks don’t invade personal space because doing so means somebody’s show might get stepped on and you know what happens when somebody’s shoe gets stepped on. You remember Do The Right Thing! And he was WHITE TOO!!!!

See?

See!

By the way, I love white people.

What else do white people do when they’re drunk that Black folks just don’t do (unless we’re being…Black)?

Heal the world.

-VSB P aka MR. GO KING BEEF aka 40 P aka VITAMIN P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

Why, Why?: If You Tell Me That It’s Human Nature I Still Won’t Understand Why Women Do This

Panama Jackson — Tue, 24 Aug 2010 04:00:09 +0000

I’ve got lots of sisters, a couple mothers, and countless friends of mammary. All of them do things that I don’t get but I can’t attribute all of it to their womanness. For instance, I’ve noticed, both anecdotally and thru various scientific methods that I’ve created, patented, and proselytized that women are generally directionally challenged. And I’m aware that many of you could challenge Magellan to a speed boat contest. Go you.

Yay.

But I know women, family and friend, who currently live in the same city they grew up in who can’t tell me how to get from point A to point B nor can they tell me street names. And don’t even get me started on bypasses like I-285 in Atlanta and the inability to determine when one is driving north, south, east, west or any of the various other directions that Asians think up.

But…men suck at this too. Wow that was a long. The point of that was I have determined some things that women do – pretty exclusively – that I’ve wondered about over the years. Such as?

Glad you asked.

Such as…

(By the way, there are going to be points that are specific to Black women. Sue me, I don’t actually know any snowbunnies.)

1) Why do women have to wrap their hair to go to sleep?

Like I get it in theory, I think. Wrapping one’s hair keeps it…in place?. But I’ve seen some women who wrap their hair and I can’t tell any real difference between the sleep look and the non-sleep look. I also know women who never have to wrap their hair (full disclosure, most of them are mixed chicks). I suppose this one is rooted in pure evidence but like I said, how jacked up is your hair if ain’t wrapped at night? And why are you wrapping up weave?

2) Why DOES it take so damn long to get ready?

I am man, hear me roar. I don’t have a regimen and maybe that’s the issue, but I can wake up at 8am, get showered, iron my clothes, and be ready to get out of the door in under 30 minutes flat. And that’s on a slow day. Going out is the same. Why in the F*CK does it take dames so long to do the same thing. I honestly don’t understand why it takes so long to pick out an outfit, take a shower, and then do your hair and face especially when 87.4 percent of you all won’t be happy with how it all comes out anyway. I know some women who can get ready very quickly and be dime-esque with little fuss. Then again, I guess if your foundation is top notch you don’t have to do as much work. Maybe this one is God’s fault.

Goooooooooo Jesus.

3) Why do you all have so many different soaps?

No. Really. Why for come you use soap for your face, your toes, your torso, your spleen, and then turn around and do the same with lotion. If I use the same soap and lotion on all parts of my body and my skin is nearly flawless (<—-100 percent gay) how come you don’t follow my lead. And if you DO use all those products and your skin still sucks, might it be time to make a change. Michael Jackson. All I know is that if I could do it all over again and go back in history and steal an industry, it would be women’s “beauty” products since I’m convinced none of them do anything more than what my Irish Spring or Old Spice does for me. Clean me, Seymour.

4) Why do you all care so much about details?

Again, I’m a dude. I listen when you talk but you do it so much that I get lost in all the names, dates, and places and other random nouns that you mention. Or better yet – and EVERY man understands this – when we want to tell a story we focus on the important stuff but women want to slow the story down and interrupt with the minutiae. I could understand if y’all were building buildings and or doing budgets. But I have had so many women swear that I don’t listen when they talk because I don’t remember some random musing made at 3am. We don’t love you any less because we don’t remember your 6th cousin 18 times removed Aunties best friend’s hush puppy shop owner’s nieces wood whittler’s name.

These are a few of things I don’t get (and why). I’m sure you all have a TROVE of things men do that women don’t understand too.

So let’s share today people and get some answers: what does the opposite sex do that you just don’t understand?

Sharing is caring.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka 40 P aka VITAMIN P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

For the VSBs/VSSs in the DC area: Panama Jackson is one of several hosts for a Blogger’s Happy Hour at the Park on 14th Street this Thursday, August 26, 2010. See the graphic below for more details on drink specials and other hosts, etc. If you’re gonna roll through make sure you let us know so that we can be on the lookout for you. Panama loves the kids.

How To Be More Attractive Than You Actually Are In 700 Words Or Less When The Rainbow Isn’t Enough

Panama Jackson — Mon, 23 Aug 2010 04:00:20 +0000

A few weeks ago I was at Target and I noticed this woman. She was wearing some black thing with some gray thing but most importantly she had on a short skirt that wasn’t slutty but was definitely eye-catching. One of her woman clothing items was lacey. I don’t know what it’s called, but once again, I noticed.

Then, I realized she wasn’t attractive in the slightest but compared to her two extremely unattractive friends she looked like a dimepiece. Then, I realized she had it figured out. See, she didn’t have any body to speak of, a face to speak even less of, but here I was paying attention because of her outfit and the way it was sexxy without being on some major hosh*t. If I had lower self-esteem or didn’t know my mother I might have tried to holler, but lucky for my ancestors I can read.

If that chick could spruce herself up enough to garner attention (and trust me other dudes were looking) then it must be possible for ANYBODY to make a few alterations in order to appear more attractive than they actually are. And because we’re equal opportunity like bathrooms with handicapped stalls, we’ve got some tips for the mans and the womans.

1. Wear a hat

Any guy looks better with a hat on. I’m not sure why this is the case but its true. Ne-Yo has one very odd shaped head but when he wears a hat he looks like any other goofy-looking guy. LL Cool J made an entire career out of wearing hats to cover up his ginormous dome. And the ladies love Cool James. So the main bullet point here is that the less women can see of your face, the more their imagination will run wild and make you look like Idris Elba.

2. Wear sunglasses

Much like the hat the entire goal is to cover up as much of your self as possible. Of course, if you look like 50 Tyson or somebody with the nickname Stank no amount of face covering will compensate for your shortcomings. You might just need a new face. I’ve gotten away from myself here. Sunglasses add an allure to people. Allure them. Grrrrr.

3. Rock some high heels

Ain’t nothing like a nice leg in a heel. It’s even better if there are TWO legs in a pair of heels. (No dis to our one legged sisters out there, I just can’t fully appreciate somebody called “hip-hop” and it’s not ironic at all). Heels tend to perk the booty up a little and get the calves working. Men love legs. We like to envision them wrapped around us. And trust me, no man gets excited about those Greek-looking beaucoup strap shoes women are wearing right now. In fact, I hate them. I am man, hear me lick shots for Big Poppa in heaven.

4. Show some shoulder

For some reason, shoulders are sexxy. There’s just something about the way the sunlight bounces off a nice shapely shoulder that just brings out the animal instinct in us. Makes me want to go all zebra on a ninja. And trust me, going zebra? Is that hot sh*t. Honestly, I don’t know where I was going with this. So I’ll stop here.

5. Shear clothing

For chicks anyway since I don’t ever want to see a grown man rocking shear unless he’s Jamaican and only then if it’s those gawdawful mesh joints. Shear outerwear means that we can see bras. Bras hold boobs. Men love boobs so anything that helps us envision them automatically gives you a leg up on any competition that ISN’T wearing shear. Unless of course your face looks like a boarded up Baltimore vacant. Illusion makes everybody hotter.

6. Peacocking

Dressing for attention amongst a pool of mundane sucka MC’s makes you look interesting even if you aren’t which makes you more attractive even if you aren’t.

Follow these rules you’ll have mad bread to break up, if not 24 years on the wake up….of misfortune.

Let’s help out the community, what are other ways to look more attractive than you really are?

Talk to me.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka 40 P aka GO KING BEEF aka VITAMIN P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

Superbad: 5 Movies That Aren’t As Funny As You Swear They Are

Panama Jackson — Fri, 13 Aug 2010 04:00:11 +0000

One of the worst feelings in the world is the moment where you realize that a movie that’s has all of the elements of a great comedy just doesn’t live up to its hype. It’s how I imagine Lindsay Lohan feels everyday of her life, except you’d have to replace hype with talent. And then take the exact opposite of it. And then square it and hit it with the hee.

NEW WRITTENS!

There have been various movies that I’ve seen of the comedy persuasion where I’ve been overtaken with that very feeling. And do you know what I tell myself? I say Panama, doooooooon’t fight, the feeeeeeelin’. Or even afterwards when I realized, you know what, this movie really wasn’t that funny, but because I wanted it to be that funny I have memories that were clearly a lie but also weren’t true and I tell everybody else that “yeah, you should go see that movie” even though I know that deep down they shouldn’t but they can and they will because they should so they do.

Dum dum diddday.

By the way, I love water, that cool refreshing drink.

Without further adieu, here are 5 movies that you told me were good but really blew more than Superhead holding bubbles (okay that’s not true, these movies didn’t blow – no Chippy D – but didn’t tickle my fancy like three hoes with two feathers).

1. Superbad

Never mind that this might be the gayest movie of all time in terms of high-school bromancism. There is an entire hour of this movie that was completely unnecessary. The problem with that is its right in the middle when they end up at the house party. That entire way-too-long storyline was so unnecessary and frankly retarded that it killed the flow of the movie which definitely had its moments of hilarity. I’d been told by so many people that this movie was a non-stop thrill ride of comedy adventure. After seeing it, I realized that people forced themselves to laugh because they thought they were supposed to. Kind of like deep people who go to poetry open mics where “poets” talk about the most asinine sh*t but everybody claps anyway because nobody wants to be the person who didn’t get it.

2. The Hangover

This one hurt. I WANTED The Hangover to be hilarious. I even watched it more than once and laughed on purpose. I embarrassed me. I embarrassed you. This movie wasn’t funny in a laugh out loud way. It was more funny in a what-are-they-gonna-do next way. Similar to The Farrelly Brothers movie Stuck On You. While the randomness of the baby (and where in the f*ck did they get the Baby Bjorn!!?!?!?), Mike Tyson singing Phil Collins, and the naked Chinaman did provide some WTF moments, none of them were actually funny.

3. Pineapple Express

Seth Rogen is my dude. But man was this a not funny arse movie. The trailer set me up like a big dog. The trailer made this seem like it was going to be the funniest stoner movie ever. And maybe it would be…if I ever got high. But I don’t. In fact, this is the movie version of Kid Cudi’s career. Cudi has no discernible talent for singing, rapping, or existing yet people swear by his first album which was for all accounts, a hot mess of nincomf*ckery. I wanted Pineapple Express to be funny and James Franco did make it entertaining, but after it was over, I wanted some medial marijuana for my pain and suffering.

4. Love Jones

Oh wait this isn’t funny its just WAY overrated.

4. Old School

People swear this movie was hilarious. I swear my copy wasn’t. My copy must have been different than everybody else’s because mine just wasn’t funny. Though maybe I need to give it another whirl (I won’t). I didn’t like Napolean Dynamite the first time I watched it but the second time I swore it was the greatest movie I’d ever seen in my life on a Tuesday.

5. Office Space

BEFORE I GET STONED HEAR ME OUT. I love this movie. But only because I worked in a cubicle farm. I know it’s a cult classic but really, it’s not nearly as funny as history has made it out to be. It’s reached the same status Snoop Dogg has. Snoop is more famous for being Snoop than he is for actually rapping, for which he’s just average at best. Same with this movie, it gets credit for being itself when the truth is, it’s just not THAT hilarious. I will say though that of the movies on the list it is the most funny. Um, bite me.

Alright lads, Go King Beef has spoken. What are other movies that aren’t as funny as folks make the out to be? Or even further, what are the most overrated movies you cant think of?

Talk to me.

Who dat?

-VSB P aka GO KING BEEF GO KING BEEF aka TANGLE JIG P aka VITAMIN P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

10 Ways To Hide Your Kids, Your Wife, and Your Husband Due to The Fact That They Are Rapin’ Everybody Out Here

Panama Jackson — Thu, 12 Aug 2010 04:00:15 +0000

*Props to Cheekie for the title…clap for her. Also, VSB does not in any way condone the thought or act of rape or violence towards women. This post is a direct reflection of the joke of Antoine Dodson and nothing more. Rape is serious. I know this. To that end, hide your kids and hide your wife. We’re all black, there are no husbands.*

I cannot let Antoine Dodson die. I cannot. Well not him per se, but “him” like his fame and infamy. His auto-tuned ridamndiculousness is my current ringtone. In fact, I called my mother yesterday and told her to hide her husband because according to Dr. Dodson, they are raping everybody out here.

But then I got to thinking. What if he was actually on to something? Not as a fluke but, like for real. What if they are in fact raping everybody out here and we do need to hide our kids, wives, husbands, and labradoodles. Who is they? I have no clue. But they scare me. They are probably the same people who defined “is.” Actually, you know who they are. They are the same people that do everything. They gets blamed for every thing.

Mother: What’s the weather tomorrow?

Pintsized Treyball Panama: They said it’s gonna be ‘hot, mama.

Mother: Who is they?

PTP: I don’t know. But where dey do dat at…it’s hot.

I’m so hood. But all I do is win, win, win no matter what.

But mostly they did that.

Anyway, while the rest of the world is laughing at and with Mr. Dodson, I decided that perhaps I should take him more seriously and provide you some ways for you to indeed hide your kids, your wife, and your husband due to the fact that they are raping everybody out here. Here, by the way, is a fluid concept. Kind of like your freedom, Mississippi.

1. In a closet

I lost 3 cousins to hide and go seek because they went into the closet and never came out. THEN I see the damn Chronicles of Narnia and in the background is little Mook Mook, Jaybroski, and Dave hanging with some big lion arse ninja named Aslan. I’m like, yo son, get back here with my dough, ya dig? Point is, closets are good places to hide people…just make sure that when they come out the closet, its not a double entendre. Unless of course they went in that way, which of course there’s nothing wrong with that.

The more you know.

*ding*

2. In a book

You want to keep something from a ninja, put it in a book. I’m pretty sure that’s the oldest trick in the book. And despite the fact that EVERY Black person knows this, we still don’t rob books. It just proves one thing, education is ninja repellent. Never mind that you can’t actually put anybody in a book. How will you know unless you try? Have you tried to put a ninja in a book today? Probably not.

3. In college

The natural cousin to a book. If you send your kids, wife, or husband to college not only will they not get raped in the hood they’ll get books that they can get into. It’s a win win, like 2 daytons on a Schwinn beeyotch.

4. Twitter

Oh wait, apparently we’re there in droves doing ninja stuff. I also think you can get raped there.

5. At a Waka Flocka Flame concert

Does anybody else find it humorous that his ENTIRE collection of words for the song “Hard In The Paint” sounds JUST like the fake verse on “ShawtBus Shawty”? He actually says, “flocka” thru the ENTIRE song. You can hide your family here but don’t leave them unattended. Actually, if you take your kids to a Waka show, well I feel sorry for your mother and may God have mercy on your soul.

GUCCI DAT’S MY GUCCI DAT’S MY ….

6. In a flower shop

The dude that climbed thru Dodson’s sisters window is not going to a flowershop. How do I know this? I don’t. But do you know that he will? Nope. You don’t either. See.

7. On tour with U2

See the assumption is that the dude that’s out there raping everybody in Lincoln Park (Huntsville stand up!) is a ninja. Have you been to a U2 show? Or Ireland for that matter? Not too many ninjas. Sending your family on tour with them will almost certainly keep them away from the dude rapin’ everybody in Lincoln Park.

8. At the White House

Do you know what you have to do get in there? No? Me neither. CUZ AIN’T NONE OF US GETTING IN THERE RIGHT NOW. Well, except Lebron and ‘nem. But they’re ball players. Pshaw!

9. Fight Club

First rule of fight club is that nobody talks about fight club.

10. Inside My Love

Me and Minnie (no Mouse) got this.

Where would you hide your kids, your wife, or your husband due to the fact that they’re rapin’ everybody out here?

-VSB P aka KING JACKSON aka GO KING BEEF! GO KING BEEF! aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka VITAMIN P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL. HE A 3

The Signs Of A Keeper

Panama Jackson — Wed, 11 Aug 2010 04:00:45 +0000

I used to have a Trapper Keeper. Boy did I love my Trapper Keeper. It kept traps. It was ATL all the way. All white everything. In fact, my trapper keeper thought it was Big Meech.

Now I can’t remember exactly what about it made it so special to me but I loved it until the day it got run over in the streets . Or maybe it got raped in the streets since they rapin’ everybody out here. The main bullet point here is that it was special. Nobody could tell me anything about my binder. It was a keeper. I loved it and hugged it and did all kinds of dreaming about the day that me and my keeper would graduate from college together and get jobs as managers at McDonald’s.

So all of that was a lie.

But what isn’t a lie is that there are different things that each of us look to in order to determine if somebody we’re with is a keeper. It could be a character thing. It could be something physical. It can be mental. Sometimes you don’t even know it until you see it. Despite this, there are some general characteristics that ALL keepers have. Period. Such as? No problem.

1. The female members of the family love him or her

This holds especially true for women. If mom dukes and the overprotective sisters (or is that just me…I have A LOT of sisters) really like a woman – and you will definitely know if moms likes her – then she just might be a keeper. While women often make horrid decisions in men (shots fired) one thing they know is a bad woman when they see one. Men have a little bit of an easier go with this one as most of the men in the family will be fine with him if he’s into sports and isn’t a douche. The women will probably focus more on how he looks and then his resume to figure that he sucks until much later when they’re on dontdatehimgirl.com and see his profile and read about his 17 kids all named &.

And yes, I meant to put the name “&”.

2. They are able to handle stressful situations without making everybody around them worse

You ever been dating somebody and when they get stressed you feel like you did something wrong? No? Just me? I’m convinced that the way people handle stress will let you know everything you need to know. If they shut down and sulk all day. You’re in for a f*cked up life. If they throw things, somebody’s going to jail. If they take a minute to be pissy or worried but then focus on solutions and positivity….KEEP THEM. Contrary to popular belief there are a lot of people out here who can’t handle stress to save their lives. Just like dumb girls get you dead, and dumb guys become CEOs, axe murderers and ugly chipmunks will get you evicted.

Take that to the bank.

3. You feel better about yourself when they’re around

While I recongize that some folks have the self-esteem of Eeyore and therefore feel better when ANYBODY is around, I more mean that person who kicks up your positive energy and makes you want to build sh*t. Heck, I’ve been with a woman who made me want to built log cabins before. So I bought Lincoln Logs. Of course, I ALSO wanted to kick them sh*ts over like 15 minutes AFTER putting them up because of her, but she’s an ex for a reason right? But if somebody actually makes you want to go do something different in the world, like adopt goldfish and hug cacti. Or cactuses.

4. They like Outkast and can say the words “damn damn damn James” at all possible times

5. They read VSB

How’d that get in there?

6. They support you even when you aren’t sure about your own sh*t

I don’t believe in unhealthy relationships unless it involves gluttonous eating at Chipotle and Don Pablo’s. But when you are with somebody who supports even your bad ideas just enough to keep you believing in yourself, well, you can’t just let them go. So what that Icey Hot Toilet Seat didn’t work out, they’re going to use it because it was your idea. Yes you do look fat in those jeans, but you know what, they’re your jeans and we love you in them. And if you want to go the gym, we’ll go too. Because like Lenny Williams, we love you, you keeper you.

Those are a few signs of a surefire keeper, what are others?

And yes, Kool-Aid in the fridge is the universal sign of a keeper.

Run and tell that, homeboy.

-VSB P aka KING JACKSON aka THE ARSONIST aka VITAMIN P aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

Something From Nothing Leaves Nothing…Or Does It?

Panama Jackson — Tue, 10 Aug 2010 04:00:45 +0000

I’m an economist by training and education. My entire life is based upon the principles of Pareto Optimality (efficiency) and the Nash Equilibrium. I’ve fancied myself as sort of a macroeconomist. You know, working within the realm of the uber-simplified C+I+G+(X-M) = Y.

One of the first things you learn in economics is that an economist’s thinking is that something is better than nothing. It’s kind of the Homeless Man Doctrine. Sure you need $2, but if somebody only gives you $.37, you’ll take it.

Once again, some is better than none.

In general I also subscribe to this notion. For instance, some french fries is way better than none at all. Same with Kool-Aid. Nobody likes the piss-me-off-sip but the truth is, I’m just glad its there. I feel the same way about Antoine Dodson and double rainbows. Sure I could live without them, but aren’t we all just better off because of their existence?

Well one area I’m not so sure this principle makes sense is when it comes to sacklovin’ or the potential for it. I see that you need an example or something. Consider yourself gotten.

Let’s pretend we’re in a world where every woman employs the 90 day rule for procurement of the cotton Hanes. She’s made this explicit and clear.

Once again, its clear that nobody will be slappin’ bellies.

Except it isn’t but so clear. She is okay with doing…other stuff. Like, you remember when you were in high school and virgin chicks would do everything but “it” because everything but “it” didn’t really constitute relations? I remember that. It’s like every chick was a brain surgeon but refused to go on archaeological digs. Now, conventional wisdom states that this is a good thing. So what you’re not digging for any fossils, you’re at least getting something right?

At the time it made sense. When you’re 18 or even as old as 21 years old, a lot of things make sense that don’t when you get some real age on you…like Cheesecake Factory as fine dining or getting dressed up to the go to the movies. Foreplay with no gunplay seems like all the rage since basic principles teach you at that age to take whatever action you can get because as a dude you’re probably unemployed and the only reason this chick is even dealing with you is because she believes in your potential and ALSO doesn’t know any better.

Let’s forget the age component (though after a certain age, you really shouldn’t even have to be having this conundrum). Let me preface this by saying that this does not pertain to ALL women, but I’ve had this convo with a few women because I’m a thorough researcher and enough have expressed to me that this particular line of logic make sense.

I’m of the line of thinking that if you’re not going to be doing any spelunking, that it is best to leave all the foreplay at the door. Why begin to engage in an act that has no closing act? Women all like closure, except when it counts. Funny how time flies when you’re making love. I’ve been told by many woman that foreplay should be engaged in because it allows for some of those energies to be addressed. And while bonage might not be on the menu, partaking with a guy of other forms of affection is okay because it provides some release.

Hey, what’s good for the gander isn’t necessarily good for the goose. But here’s where the disconnect comes in: somebody always has to be frustrated right? If the guy shuts down the highway altogether, then the woman is frustrated because she’s holding fast to her principles (yay!) but the guy won’t give her any act right. However, if the guy indulges the woman, then sure he gets some free feels and perhaps a lil bit of country, a little bit of rock and roll, but ultimately, he’s frustrated because his ying and yang are bluer than Lil Jack Horner’s non-descript cousin Crip Walker Texas Ranger.

Somebody always has to be frustrated right?*

*Only in this situation since the two individuals are chosing to deal with one another.

You like how I put the asterisk right after the…asterisk?

So good people of VSB, I ask you, is it better to get something than nothing? Or if you know you ain’t schlumping, would you rather just cut your losses and watch Golden Girls?

What it be like, partna?

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka VITAMIN P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL, HE A 3

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