Admin Note: Next Tuesday, April 13, 2010, from 530-10pm at Sutra Lounge in Adam’s Morgan, Panama Jackson will be one of several DC-area bloggers hosting a happy hour brought to you by Elevated Entertainment and Usual Suspectz. Come hang out with VSB P the Certified 3 and a slew of other popular DC bloggers like Leon from Listentoleon.net, etc. Admission is free. The address is 2406 18th Street NW. Come one, come all…holla at a playa when you see me in the street trick. Nuts.

orgasms are somewhat overrated

it first dawned on me a couple a weeks ago while watching my girlfriend’s neutered cat play “chase the off-white piece of lint that actually might be a dead moth” for five minutes in her living room. although i initially looked at mr. peepers (the name of the cat) with a feeling of haughty “aha. i have a pair of deez and you don’t“  ridicule, it soon dawned on me that even though this eight pound piece of fur has never even fathomed what an orgasm is, he’s happier playing with a piece of dried skin on a hardwood floor than i’ve ever been (or will ever be) about anything, and this made me re-evaluate my feelings about the big o.

before i continue, i want to make clear that “overrated” doesn’t necessarily mean “bad” or “worthless” or any other adjective with negative connotations. for instance, if you (rightly) referred to kobe bryant as the most overrated player in the nba, it doesn’t mean that he’s not a great player…just not exactly as great as many would like you to believe. i mean shit, as much as i love oranges, i’m willing to admit they’re the most overrated member of the citrus family (limes and lemons are much more versatile)

but, although we all love orgasms more than crackheads love home depot, when you consider the lengths we go through and the risks we take to get them, you can’t not come to the conclusion that the five to twenty-five second creamy culmination of our trials and tribulations is more anti-climatic than season five of the wire.

anyway, remembering this made me think about a few more things about sex that kind of suck when you really think about them, and, without further ado, here’s six more

2. post-coital clean-up

with all the talk about unemployment and new job creation, why hasn’t someone founded a post-coital clean-up company yet? seriously, as annoying as it can be to clean up after sex, who wouldn’t pay someone to come in your crib and take care of all the wet spots, used condoms, dead midgets, and dirty sheets for you while you were still in your uber-lazy post sex coma? i know i would.

3. hearing people much younger or much older than you talk about it

i would be a much happier champ if i could go through the rest of my life never hearing anyone more than ten years younger (because i’m always tempted to just tell them to shut the f*ck up) or fifteen years older (because i’m always tempted to just tell them that nobody wants to think about your old ass f*cking) than me refer to anything sexual in any context ever again.

4. the “i didn’t do a complete and thorough clean-up of my parts after sex last night, and now its the morning and my wang is practically superglued to my boxers” face.

***this, btw, is a close cousin of the “i didn’t do a complete and thorough clean-up of my parts after sex last night, and now its the morning and i have to pee and my hole is glued tighter than sam jackson’s wig in pulp fiction” face***

5. what happens when attempting to figure out how to deal with unexpected bodily functions (sneezing, passing gas, crying, etc) during sex

personally, i usually just signal for a time-out when this occurs. (it never actually works though. the referee present usually isn’t paying any attention to me.)

6. penis performance pressure

does this “women are (generally) pressured (to put out) before we get to the sack, but once we actually get there the pressure is (generally) all on men to perform” count as irony, and shouldn’t i be a bit ashamed that i’m not completely sure whether that’s ironic

7. the drought goggles

worn when you’re going through a longer than usual (and “usual” in this case is relative. for some it could be two weeks. for others, two years) period of a lack of opposite sex contact, they decrease your usual standards exponentially, but, at this point, you could really care less. the mailman,your kids school-bus driver, your parole officer, DMX’s wife, your ex…right now, it doesn’t matter, and that just simply sucks

anyway, i’m sure i’m missing a few. tell me, people of vsb.com, what else about sex really kind of sucks sometimes?

—the champ

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1. 12 things about sex i’ve learned since becoming an adult
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i felt myself overcome with a sudden sense of relief and contentment yesterday afternoon while reading two articles (“crying after sex, really” and “what brings you to the big o?“) and the accompanying comments

you see, as a grown man, i felt that i should be a expert by now on the female orgasm. i mean, (i think that) i’ve seen them and (hope that) i’ve been an active part in inducing them, but if i were coaching a sex team and was asked by my players to diagram a female orgasm play for an easy and sure touchdown, i’d be more befuddled than eric mangini.

but, articles such as those have taught me that i’m not alone: nobody really knows sh*t about the female orgasm, women included.

sure, many people much more intelligent than i have their theories and ideas, but there isn’t a person on the planet that can give you factual and universal information about how they occur, what can possibly happen when they do, and, from an evolutionary perspective, why they even happen

anyway, while thanking my friends at the frisky for my newfound sense of coitus-related comfort, i thought of a few other things about sex i’ve learned since becoming an adult.

here’s 11 more

2. libido compatibility f*cking matters

while there’s a lid for every pot, some pots require a bit more time on the stove than others. even the happiest and strongest coupling will eventually shift to sh*t if one party is cool with once every another week (or month) or so and the other needs it at least once a day. eventually one of them will have to “compromise” a bit more than the other, and, depending on who does the compromising, this always results in either the low-libidoed person feeling used for sex and eventually hating it, or the high-libidoed one feeling unwanted and eventually resenting their mate

3. “performance” p*rn sex (stupid acrobatics, stupidly awkward positions, sex in stupidly random places, etc) is usually pointless, awkward, and painful if performed by non-professionals.

quick story: my sophomore year of college, a few teammates and i were so consumed with hotel jacuzzi sex that we had an on-going bet with each other about who would do it first. although i lost, i eventually did the deed a couple years later, and spent the entire time underwhelmed by the feeling, annoyed with the chick trying not to get her hair too wet, and irritated by the chlorine filled water splashing up my nose and in my eyes.

moral of the story: don’t watch showgirls

4. while some women say that you can usually tell how good a man is in bed by how he dances, a man can definitely tell how good a woman is in bed by her relationship to food

5. dont trust a person who says they never masturbate.

if they’re lying they’re too anal and pedestrian to realize that its not a subject worth lying about. if they’re telling the truth, they’re future murderers

6. a woman can actually f*ck her way into a man’s heart, but she needs to have sex with him at least a couple hundred times to do it

7. the idea of a woman willingly and enthusiastically performing and enjoying fellatio matters more than the actual act.

8. dating while horny is no different than grocery shopping while hungry

in both cases, you’ll just end up spending too much for some sh*t you didn’t even really want.

9. white women aren’t inherently easier than any other group of women, its just that many of them go through their “easy stage” (junior year of high school through junior year of college) at an impressionable time when people care the most about the sex everyone else is having

***since i know you’ll ask, from what i’ve seen the “easy stage” breakdown usually goes like this:

well-adjusted white women: 15-20

well-adjusted black women: either 23-26 or 29-34

well adjusted latinas: 12 to death***

10. pretty much everyone who’s ever said they got accidentally pregnant or contracted an std because a condom broke is f*cking lying

11. sometimes “technical difficulties” might occur.

whether its because of stress, fatigue, alcohol, or the sudanese rap song you can’t get out of your head, sometimes sh*t, ummm, doesnt happen. its nothing to be ashamed of though, and as long as you give your sure to be disappointed girl a convincing good will hunting (“its not your fault, its not your fault”) everything should be cool

12. the more i learn, the more i realize i still don’t really know sh*t

thats it from me. people of vsb.com, what has adulthood taught you about sex?

don’t be scurred to share, we’re all family and sh*t

—the champ

Related posts:

1. 7 things about sex that really kind of suck
2. lost in translation: what men usually hear when women are talking to us
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