i felt myself overcome with a sudden sense of relief and contentment yesterday afternoon while reading two articles (“crying after sex, really” and “what brings you to the big o?“) and the accompanying comments

you see, as a grown man, i felt that i should be a expert by now on the female orgasm. i mean, (i think that) i’ve seen them and (hope that) i’ve been an active part in inducing them, but if i were coaching a sex team and was asked by my players to diagram a female orgasm play for an easy and sure touchdown, i’d be more befuddled than eric mangini.

but, articles such as those have taught me that i’m not alone: nobody really knows sh*t about the female orgasm, women included.

sure, many people much more intelligent than i have their theories and ideas, but there isn’t a person on the planet that can give you factual and universal information about how they occur, what can possibly happen when they do, and, from an evolutionary perspective, why they even happen

anyway, while thanking my friends at the frisky for my newfound sense of coitus-related comfort, i thought of a few other things about sex i’ve learned since becoming an adult.

here’s 11 more

2. libido compatibility f*cking matters

while there’s a lid for every pot, some pots require a bit more time on the stove than others. even the happiest and strongest coupling will eventually shift to sh*t if one party is cool with once every another week (or month) or so and the other needs it at least once a day. eventually one of them will have to “compromise” a bit more than the other, and, depending on who does the compromising, this always results in either the low-libidoed person feeling used for sex and eventually hating it, or the high-libidoed one feeling unwanted and eventually resenting their mate

3. “performance” p*rn sex (stupid acrobatics, stupidly awkward positions, sex in stupidly random places, etc) is usually pointless, awkward, and painful if performed by non-professionals.

quick story: my sophomore year of college, a few teammates and i were so consumed with hotel jacuzzi sex that we had an on-going bet with each other about who would do it first. although i lost, i eventually did the deed a couple years later, and spent the entire time underwhelmed by the feeling, annoyed with the chick trying not to get her hair too wet, and irritated by the chlorine filled water splashing up my nose and in my eyes.

moral of the story: don’t watch showgirls

4. while some women say that you can usually tell how good a man is in bed by how he dances, a man can definitely tell how good a woman is in bed by her relationship to food

5. dont trust a person who says they never masturbate.

if they’re lying they’re too anal and pedestrian to realize that its not a subject worth lying about. if they’re telling the truth, they’re future murderers

6. a woman can actually f*ck her way into a man’s heart, but she needs to have sex with him at least a couple hundred times to do it

7. the idea of a woman willingly and enthusiastically performing and enjoying fellatio matters more than the actual act.

8. dating while horny is no different than grocery shopping while hungry

in both cases, you’ll just end up spending too much for some sh*t you didn’t even really want.

9. white women aren’t inherently easier than any other group of women, its just that many of them go through their “easy stage” (junior year of high school through junior year of college) at an impressionable time when people care the most about the sex everyone else is having

***since i know you’ll ask, from what i’ve seen the “easy stage” breakdown usually goes like this:

well-adjusted white women: 15-20

well-adjusted black women: either 23-26 or 29-34

well adjusted latinas: 12 to death***

10. pretty much everyone who’s ever said they got accidentally pregnant or contracted an std because a condom broke is f*cking lying

11. sometimes “technical difficulties” might occur.

whether its because of stress, fatigue, alcohol, or the sudanese rap song you can’t get out of your head, sometimes sh*t, ummm, doesnt happen. its nothing to be ashamed of though, and as long as you give your sure to be disappointed girl a convincing good will hunting (“its not your fault, its not your fault”) everything should be cool

12. the more i learn, the more i realize i still don’t really know sh*t

thats it from me. people of vsb.com, what has adulthood taught you about sex?

don’t be scurred to share, we’re all family and sh*t

—the champ

Related posts:

1. lost in translation: what men usually hear when women are talking to us
2. all points bulletin
3. things i’ve learned