Very Smart Brothas » Obama

Let White People Hate Obama!

Panama Jackson — Tue, 06 Apr 2010 04:00:54 +0000

“If I don’t like it, I don’t like it/that don’t mean that I’m hating…” ~ Common, “The Sixth Sense”, Like Water For Chocolate

That quote has little to do with anything but I felt it appropos seeing as it uses a derivation of the ubiqitous since 1997 word “hatin’”. So getting straight to the point, why do Black people take it so personally when white people do not like Obama or his policy ideas and goals?

Seriously.

Last week, long-time VSSer Miss Patterson sent me a link to an article about a doctor in Florida and a sign he placed on his door that basically said: if you support Obama’s health care plan, then kick rocks in Jesus sandals, beyotch. Or something like that, I may have gotten part of it wrong. But check the article .

The sign on a Florida doctor’s door couldn’t be much clearer: “If you voted for Obama … seek urologic care elsewhere. Changes to your health care begin right now, not in four years.”

Dr. Jack Cassell defended his actions in a story in today’s Orlando Sentinel, saying he’s not actually denying care to anyone who comes to his office for treatment but wanted to send a message to people who supported the president’s health care overhaul efforts.

“I’m not turning anybody away; that would be unethical,” he told the Sentinel. “But if they read the sign and turn the other way, so be it.”

Dr. Cassell is a douche. But I really can’t be upset about his stance here, especially considering that he’s not actually going to turn anybody away who walks into his door. While Miss Patterson and I agreed on his being a d-bag, the fact is, I fully support his right to be one. And specifically because this isn’t about race. But it went there. And it highlights a problem I think we have in this country at times. While 99 percent of the time if something can be about race it is, this is the 1 percent when its not.

Dr. Cassell, and seemingly half the nation, do not agree with Obama’s “health care plan” (in quotes since it is only Obama’s in his saying to Congress “go fix health care”). It’s a contentious issue to say the least. So much so, that on Twitter, thousands of people actually watched the vote, something most members of Congress wouldn’t do if they could help it. Of course, upon all of the Republicans voting it down, shouts of racism flooded the marketplace like Noah showed up with 2 pigeons and Mike Tyson. And while I don’t think this had much to do with race and moreso to do with vastly different points of view (I really don’t know where I stand on it, I’m not a big fan of basically being taxed because you are alive, which is what is about to happen), Black people took this as a personal affront to Obama.

So the f*ck what?

I find it so curious how we are quick to defend the actions of our President just because he’s Black. He signed up for the job with a target on his back. It’s his job. And the nice white people who didn’t vote for him for various reasons (ranging from him not being American to him being Osama Bin Hussein Akbar’s third cousin and Reich) will never like him, no matter what. Why do we care so much? Why do we care that people don’t like Obama? He’s the president, it’s his job to be hated. Dubya perfected Presidential hate.

Then there’s the other side of it, Obama really hasn’t done much of sh*t. Everybody thought change was going to come and the most delusional actually believed it could happen in a year.

Ok. Alright.

Not to piss in his Wheaties, I know change takes time, but you have Black folks defending him like we know his moms. I say let people hate him. Write the check before the baby comes, who the f*ck cares? In America, folks disagree with policies all the time, especially health care. There’s a reason Clinton couldn’t get it done and his attempt flipped Congress back over to Republican control. Clearly it’s contentious. But my people, sometimes, when folks don’t like sh*t, it’s actually policy, not just the Black man shepherding it through.

Plus, they got a right to hate him if they want. I hate a lot of y’all ninjas farm animals. You don’t hear me complaining do you?

So I’m just wondering if you could help a brother out, why do we get so mad when white people hate Obama??

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL, HE A 3

10 Biggest Stories of the Decade In The Black Community.

Panama Jackson — Mon, 21 Dec 2009 05:00:52 +0000

It’s been one hell of a decade, hasn’t it? There’s been all kinds of random happenings. And since the Black community is usually prone to being apart of some of the f*ckery that happens over the course of history (OJ, anyone?), I figured that we, here at VSB, might as well get to getting like everybody else and coming up with some kind of list about this past decade. And what better topic of discussion than some of the biggest stories of the decade in the Black community.

Some will be obvious. Some will be curious.

But Panama Jackson will be sexxy. The decade has taught us so.

Allons-y.

10. Tiger Woods becomes a Black man

While Tiger might be the biggest sports story (and possibly one of the biggest general stories of the decade) in the Black community, ole Eldrick’s Black card has been pulled a long time ago. In fact, the last time I think he referred to himself as Black, the Wu-Tang Clan started an investment firm and I’m sure Mos Def was prominently involved. Either way, Tiger learned what happens when you go poking blondes all willy nilly…you lose sponsorhip deals. But hey, Kobe got his back (and called himself the Black Mamba) so the future looks bright for Tiger, though I suggest he begin calling himself Tigga. That way he can start rapping with Jay as Jigga and Dat Ni**a Tigga. There’s lots of potential here.

9. The rebirth of Ike

Apparently Chris Brown’s PR people forgot to tell him that you can’t hit girls past age 7. Well, in February 2009, young Breezy put a hurtin’ on Rihanna and became the story heard ’round the world. Domestic violence is nothing to joke with, so I won’t joke about it. However, keeping Chris Brown, the MJ-heir apparent, from performing at an MJ tribute during the BET awards just seemed egregious.

8. Man’s favorite pasttime gets the “Super” treatment

An odd choice, no doubt. But when you realize how many celebrities bucked the f*ck up once Karrinne Steffans became a household name in 2005, it becomes obvious that very few other people were as significant this decade. Hell, last time this many celebrities read a book, a guy named McCarthy was running amok. And then her subsequent book? That book put every male celebrity on full blast AND inspired an entire nation of video hoes vixens to learn how to read so that they could write their own terrible “memoirs.” Take that Reading Rainbow.

7. Beyonce pisses off lots of women

She went from being the lead singer of a too-young jailbait group out of Houston in 1997 to the most famous pop-star in the world in 2009. That’s no easy feat, especially considering she spent the entire decade being pelted with haterade by women near and far even though every hater has her albums and loves “Single Ladies”. Her accomplishments this decade are nearly unparalleled.

6. “WHY WON’T YOU LET ME BE GREAT???”

Beyonce would be unparalleled, except Kanye West entered the scene circa 2003 with his recently dubbed album of the decade with The College Dropout, and then managed to make himself into the most important figure in Black music today. You read that right and I did not stutter. Hate him or love him, Kanye will always be around because he cares about the music. He’s pretty much the Stevie Wonder of our generation. Plus the whole skinny jeans things has really taken off.

5. Author JL King ruins boys night out

In 2004, author JL King adorned Oprah’s couch and f*cked up dating ever since. He inadvertently convinced women around the nation, especially Black women, that every man was potentially trying to f*ck his homeboys. Almost overnight, the term DL became apart of the Black lexicon.

4. Rosa Parks finally stops suing Outkast passes

One of the icons of the Civil Rights movements, Rosa Parks passed away in 2005. She was one of the few non-Presidents laid-in-state in the US Capitol building in Washington, DC. She was so important to the fabric of this nation that every major media outlet showed coverage of her funeral and procession…except BET who thought their audience would be better served by showing videos since folks could catch the funeral on CNN or some sh*t (btw, I can’t find a single article about this now, back in 2005, BET had a press release explaining why they didn’t show the funeral).

3. Botched engineering and a Hurricane with a Black name give Spike Lee inspiration

Hurricane Katrina needs no explanation. August 2005 is when most of us realized just how little many Black lives are. On the bright side, Spike directed one helluva documentary though.

2. Michael Jackson goes to Neverland

I’m really only putting this at 2 to show deference to the historical context of the obvious number 1, but really, globally, more people were touched by MJ’s death than Obama’s presidency. Hell, I still miss Michael Jackson.

1. Barack Obama ruins “the excuse”

Well, duh.

Did I miss any??

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL, HE A 3

Keep The Receipt: 5 Terrible Gift Ideas For This Holiday Season

Panama Jackson — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 04:00:53 +0000

We’re nearing the end of November that can only mean one thing – Thanksgiving is nigh. And what does nigh mean?

It means nearing, you academic, you.

Anyway, Black Friday is the day when folks blow their wads on uber-discounted discount price gifts for who shot John and Oh John the Rabbit (oh yes). It really is the most wonderful time…of the year. Giving and receiving. Happy mornings and happy endings. Love, smiles, and thanks.

Basically, it’s like pr0n except the polar opposite, and if it was sponsored by a jolly old fat man who epitomized the term, ice cold (no Alpha). Since I’m human, I love gifts. There’s nothing like somebody figuring out that one gift you didn’t realize you wanted until you got it. Similarly, there’s nothing like giving a gift to somebody who will truly appreciate it.

Which brings us to the point of today’s post, you can SO totally go wrong with gift-giving. There are people who genuinely SUCK at gift-giving. We all know somebody like this; they should be sent out with a list, a camera video phone, and a chaperone at all times. Well, in case that person is you, I figured the least I can do is highlight some gifts that NOBODY wants. Period.

It’s the least I can do. ‘Tis the season!

Take a gander – a goose if you must.

1) Snuggie

Yeah yeah, I know, it’s the blanket with sleeves or some such bull malarkey. Look, kimo, the ONLY good thing to come from this Snuggie phenomenon is the commercial for it and more specifically the white dude raising the roof and partying like it’s 1999 or something. Ironic considering that I think the last time somebody raised the roof and wasn’t pop culturally retarded was probably 1999. Anyway, if you must get somebody one, the leopard print is definitely the way to go. At least then, they’ll think it’s a gag gift.

2) So Fresh, So Dry aka FreshBalls

And yes, it is exactly what you think it is. If you’re dating a man who’s having an overly moisturized problem in his nether regions….skip it, are you tired of your hands sliding off of his balls when you get to fondling? Well, ladies you’re in luck. Except you’re not. This is a terrible gift. The name alone sounds like a joke, but it’s real. However, there is something to be said about the insane comedic value of saying “sweaty balls” out loud. I dare you to say it and not at least crack a smile.

Sweaty balls.

*smile*

3) The Vulva Portrait Pendant

This sh*t right here, ninja? This sh*t right here? Look, the fact that you might ACTUALLY polaroid the poonanny and send it thru the world wide web (no pun intended) is bad enough. But expecting to get a necklace in return that you expect ANYBODY to wear around their necks is taking ewwwwww to a whole new level. Read my lips (um, not my lips, I don’t have lips, well not THOSE lips…this is going nowhere fast), this is a bad idea. This doesn’t even work on a feminist, “owning my vajayjay” level. By the way, in the pic on the site, the one on the far left (the brown one) looks like it got a bad strain of H1N1 vaccine, like it was mixed with cyanide and Five Alive.

4) The Obama Chia Pet

The fact that the plant grows into an afro, one of which Obama does not have, isn’t even the big problem here. The problem is that it costs $19.95 to own something that essentially looks like a homeless alien with a mole. Oh, and it doesn’t look like Obama. As an aside, am I the only person who thinks that the Chia people have been WAITING to come out with a Black person worthy of a chia so they could run with the afro? No? I think too much? Ok. Ok. You’re right. You’re right.

5) This Thing Right Here

Let’s help the people, people. What are some other terrible gift ideas?

Keep relationships alive. Keep the love alive.

Keep hope alive.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL, HE A 3

The Afterparty: Obama’s America One Year Later

Panama Jackson — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 04:00:00 +0000

It’s been a year and some days since most of us witnessed a day we never thought would come, at least not in our lifetimes. That night and the subsequent weeks leading up to inauguration felt great. There was a certain quiet (or in some people’s cases, not so quiet) pride that most of us in the Black community walked around with. Whether you agreed with him, voted for him, or even liked the man, his seemingly comet-like ascendance into the Oval Office was something every Black person could look to as a source of inspiration and pride.

I remember right after the election, there was this certain knowing amongst a great number of people that the election of Obama meant more than just the rise of one particular Black man. It was bigger than just him. Obama’s win, and the following spotlight placed upon him, his life, and his family was going to signal to the Black community and Black men in particular that there was hope and create a new way of thinking. With Obama in office and doing the unthinkable, we couldn’t use the same old tired excuses and in fact, we should all want to do better. As Black men, our time to shine was now. Go forth and make a difference and be the change you want to be. Don’t just talk about it, be about it. If Obama can, you can too.

He’s every man and every man was/is Obama.

It’s one year later.

CNN ran a story last week entitled, “Is Obama inspiring Black men to step up?”, where they talked to numerous Black men to get their take on what they’ve done (or not done) since Obama took to the national stage. Like I said, the day Obama won, it seemed like everybody was ready to hit the streets with dreams and inspiration and kick the truth to pretty much anybody that wanted to hear it. And it seems like he has. On paper anyway.

Seems to me that some of that energy and excitement from Obama has worn off – not even some, most of it. He’s just the President now and people pretty much look to him as such. Of course, people still buy Obama memorabilia but what about the dreams that he inspired and the motivation. What about the change in the Black family dynamic away from the alleged mother-headed household to the Huxtable model. Hell, blogs referencing the Huxtables blew up after the election. Everybody wanted that life…that Obama life.

But perhaps I’m shortsighted. Truly, I wonder if we’ll see the effects of Obama’s presidency in the near term anyway. Real change takes years. Major state colleges were only integrated 50 years ago and we still have de facto school segregation in places. Same with housing, services, etc. But the seeds of change should be planted. Maybe some of us are kind of too old to change and the real change will come from the younger people who have so much promise in their eyes and have been influenced by the way everybody felt by Obama’s win.

I have no clue.

So I wonder, good people of VSB, have you witnessed any change since Obama was elected? Is the Black community any different than it was a year ago? If so, how? Or is it too early to even be able to tell? Is the economy in too much of stalemate for real change to even be realized at this point?

Basically, where are we now, one year later?

The floor is yours.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL, HE A 3

You Know I Got That White Girl: The Hampton Edition.

Panama Jackson — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 04:00:27 +0000

So Hampton University’s 2009-10 Homecoming Queen is a white chick named Nikole Churchill. One time for the white chick with the black-spelled first name.

You don’t have to be an expert in African-American studies to know that this probably didn’t sit too well with a lot of ninjas, both at Hampton and nationwide. Most folks probably don’t know or don’t care but it hit a nerve with some folks. For some reason, on the list of improbable things, this just doesn’t seem so…out there, to me.

The fact that a white chick, even if she is from Hawaii, ended up at Hampton (and the Virginia Beach campus to boot) of all places is what surprises me. Not that she can’t go there, she’s more than entitled, I’m just surprised a school like Hampton showed up on her list of schools to send her SAT scores to. When I was at Morehouse, many many moons ago, we had a white cat from Indianapolis there and it baffled me then because this dude was a real “white” white dude. His name was Barry and he wore tennis shoes made of tennis balls. He was kind of nerdy and totally not the kind of cat you’d expect to see at an HBCU, but he was there. Then of course, we had our most famous white alumni, the white valedictorian, Joshua Packwood (as white a name as you’re gonna get, kind of like Jimmy Chitwood from Hoosiers).

Well back to the lecture at hand – a white chick is the homecoming queen at one our prized HBCUs. My question is, who are people really mad at here? And what does it really mean, if anything? I never went to Hampton but I assume that its a vote-in process. Somehow, someway, this chick (assuming its a vote in) won more votes than the other 9 chicks. She’s not exactly the most beautiful white chick I’ve ever seen so her personality must have done wonders for folks. I know at my school, hardly anybody voted. For the most part, we didn’t care. Maybe that came into play here too, me no know. Either way, it ain’t like she gave the award to herself. This is the same argument folks are making about Obama and his Nobel Prize. He didn’t give it to himself via the Democratic party. The freakin’ committee decided it was for him to win. Whatever their reasons, they made their decision.

Sadatay.

To me this seems like one of those non-starter stories that somehow will end up with way more press than is possibly necessary. I felt the same way about the Skip Gates f*ckfest from a few months back. It seemed like people were trying to find the huge story there when it was really a pissed off old Black man arguing with a pissed off police officer white man and it devolved into handcuffs. Now, this situation isn’t exactly going to make Time.com or anything, but I’ve heard enough opinions about this today to at least make me think folks feel some kind of way about it.

I really don’t though. While I recognize the oddity of a white girl at a school of 5,000, running against 9 Black women, winning the role of homecoming queen at what amounts to one of the Black Ivy’s, I have to wonder how it even came to that point. Were the other chicks SO un-liked that they couldn’t win? All that Black beauty and they still couldn’t pull it off? AND…there’s more women there than men. Perhaps it was divide and conquer. All those chicks hated each other and each other’s friends hated each other so they all voted for the white girl out of spite and it backfired like a mug.

As Black people, we tend to be really protective of our HBCUs (for the most part). They’re “ours” so it feels odd when other folks come in and basically become larger than the very Black folks who gain the most out of being there (I actually think that white folks stand to gain more from going to an HBCU than Black folks do). But ultimately, this chick showed up and completed the process to compete like other students, and as a student, she was well within her rights to do so. It ain’t her fault she won. Hell, she was probably surprised too.

Like I said, non-starter to me, but good people of VSB, what are your thoughts, if any? Does it make HBCU’s look bad? Does anybody care? Does it have bigger implications than I’m giving it credit for?

Is this really a big deal, at all?

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL, HE A 3

**Now, I do think she’s full of sh*t with her letter to Obama and asking him to come and assuage racial tension. So basically, she wins and the Black folks are ready to revolt? Yeah, no. Probably weren’t happy, but not on mass march levels. She definitely over stepped there and Hampton issued a press release from her today kind of clearing that up.***

soon you’ll understand: three reasons why we need to give president obama a break

The Champ — Tue, 06 Oct 2009 04:01:24 +0000

although president obama’s approval rating has steadied in the past couple of months, between between the beer summit, his seemingly passive role in the health care debate, and his unsuccessful trip to copenhagen, his overwhelmingly strong support in the black community seems to be wavering a bit. while this sentiment won’t be found in any surveys or polls, visit any barbershop, beauty salon, or blog and you’ll see a subtle change from “yes we can” to “i mean, i still think we might, but…”, a feeling which can potentially be the beginning of a slippery slide to “f*ck that n*gga”.

i understand where this is coming from. when you’re part of a group of people who’ve been the returned orphan to america’s anita tedaldi over and over again, its almost impossible to return the skepticism and doubt that comes with that package.

still, i think that we need to put ourselves aside for a minute and give president obama a break, and here’s three reasons why.

1. we’ve never seen him before

for most of us (i’m 30 years old, and i’m assuming that the majority of the people who frequent this site are somewhere between 21 and 35) the black politicians we’ve seen in our lifetimes can easily be split into three catagories

a) “neighborhood”-centric civil rights and injustice hounds with staunch ties to black social networks and zealous support from the black church

b) “pull yourself up by your bootstraps” bon vivants insisting on an eschewing of urban culture and a return to traditional family values

c) kwame kilpatrick

like contemporaries such as newark mayor cory booker, president obama doesn’t fit any of these categories, and the uniqueness of his person and his position has been a tough pill for many of us to swallow.

we’ve been conditioned to expect representatives who’d salivate at the opportunity to rain fire and brimstone on a white cop (from boston!) who publicly disrespected an esteemed black academic, neglecting to remember that such divisive tactics would blatantly contradict the presidents gameplan. we wonder how he could fly to denmark to lobby about some games seven summers away for a city where 36 city students were murdered in one year, not realizing that being awarded that honor would have been a substantial boon for the entire country, not just the city of chicago.

we’re used to seeing the micro acts of a community activist or state representative instead of the excessively macro dance of a black leader of a predominately white country, forgetting that while the president may be one of us…he doesn’t belong to us.

basically, he’s chocolate milk from a community titty, and we need to learn to share the titty.

2. we’ve never been here before, either

i have a friend who just “discovered” the NBA in may of 2008. although he’s a native nigerian whose sports tastes are definitely more pele than chris paul, he became so enthralled with the lakers and kobe bryant last spring that he started writing “deuce cuatro” on the back of his adidas and begin referring to himself as the mamba in the third person. (trust me, you haven’t lived until a 5’7 nigerian tells you that “the mamba got on some tight, tight ass” after you ask him what he did friday night.)

anyway, i remember how frustrated he’d get last year if the lakers seemed disinterested or lost two games in row. at least once every couple of weeks he’d send me some 1000 word nigerian curse filled email cursing phil jackson, luke walton, and luke waltons fro, and i’d calm him, reminding him that the lakers would be fine.

you see, he had never paid attention to the regular season before, and it took him a while to realize that you can’t hem and haw over every minor misstep in an 82 game season unless you wanted to drive yourself crazy.

i’m bringing this up because the situation with my nigerian buddy is parallel to that of much of black america today. before 2008, i suspect that most of you were similar to me: an “appropriate” interest in the country and world affairs mixed with an aggressive apathy towards the day-to-day minutiae of american politics.

basically, we knew just enough to answer any of the potential “so, how do you feel about iraq?” first date vetting questions that are never, ever asked by anyone, anywhere, ever.

now, because we feel more of an emotional tie with washington, more of us are switching between fox, cnn, cspan, and msnbc eight hours a day, peering the president’s every move, minding every mundane bill, and paying attention to every pundit. while an increased interest with and awareness of politics definitely isn’t a bad thing, it would be in everyone’s best to chill with the monday morning quarterbacking. try to remember that barring disaster, obama is going to be in office for eight freakin years, and a mistake or two in the first eight months isn’t going to end the world or repeal our upcoming reparations checks.

3. he’s earned it

admittedly, i’ve had my doubts. in fact, the last entry on my old blog was a 1,000 word tome in 2007 expressing why i thought obama shouldn’t run for president. convinced that he had no chance to beat hilary clinton, i wrote about how quickly and suddenly other high profile presidential losers in my lifetime, from mike dukasis to john kerry, fell off the political map (except for al gore, who merely just turned into a lesbian) and i didn’t want to see him suffer that same fate.

as he’s prone to do, he proved me and millions of other people wrong, and i think he’s done more than enough to earn the benefit of the doubt…for now

hmmm. this was alot, lol.

i’m curious, people of vsb.com.

how do think the pres is doing so far, has he surpassed or fell short of your expectations, and do you think we’re too hypersensitive (or not sensitive enough) to his plight?

—the champ

can’t trust it: 9 women to avoid at all costs

The Champ — Wed, 12 Aug 2009 04:01:53 +0000

although i know most many of us will stick it out with an aint sh*t chick as long as her medulla’s mean and she stays extra right in her jeans, i’ve seen too many relatively good dudes wasting their time with them to stay quiet any longer.

swayed by a great smile, a sexy voice, a top-notch ride game, or that bomb-ass tomato sauce she always seems to make when she’s on her period, we have a tendency to be so entranced by the view at the beach that we fail to realize all of the fish are dead.

while our friends at the frisky have already named 13 signs that she’s a loser, to stop this madness and save the sea animals and sh*t, the champ has decided to share sevennine women to avoid at all costs. hopefully those of us lusting over aint sh*t chicks will stop daydreaming about her impressive boobage long enough to listen

1. ms. her friends aint sh*t

aint sh*t chicks run in packs, like wild wolves and jaded hispanics. basically, if at least half of her girlfriends could have easily auditioned for the love of ray j, she’s definitely more likely to be nivea than tamia.

2. ms. outrageous ultimatums (MOUS)

: damn you and your mesmerizing hips

in college, influenced by an ass-to-waist ratio rivaling free’s, i once let an MOUS strong arm me into choosing her over a close high school friend who i hadn’t even seen in two years, just because she found out that the friend and i played “hide the tongue” a couple times in the summer of 1998 and 1999

the friend and i haven’t spoken since. the MOUS? two words: cat lady

3. ms. missing father figure

i know its not her fault that her dad had more miscellaneous seeds than shawn kemp. i also know that its not a turtles fault that its slower than southern math, but you dont see me out there baggage tortoises either.

4. ms. type a

the single worst bi-product of the obama era is the fact that the obama’s marriage has given all the type a chicks and dudes seeing type a chicks hope that things can eventually work out, failing to realize that their successful relationship is the exception, not the rule.

by definition, type a’s are “impatient, time-conscious, concerned about their status, highly competitive, ambitious, business-like, aggressive, having difficulty relaxing; and are sometimes disliked by individuals with type b personalties for the way that they’re always rushing”.

basically, a longwindedly politically correct way of saying “perpetually unhappy, evil b*tches”.

5. ms. zero to sixty in less than three

being conditioned to accept that women are highly irrational emotional beings has led many of us to excuse clearly bipolar behavior under the guise of “she’s a woman. its ok“, nevermind the time when you were three minutes late for picking her up from work and she stabbed you in the shoulder with a nail file or the time you told her she “looked nice” and she bawled uncontrollably for seventeen consecutive minutes until she fainted, she a woman, so its ok.

6. ms. i suck at life

i’ll admit, there’s a certain allure in dealing with women whose lives are a series of unfortunate events. it gives you the opportunity to play ironman while letting your dramalessness be an aphrodisiac. theres a reason chicks whose lives are a mess are usually the best in bed.

still, eventually the trials and tribulations of her life will affect you, and each of your days will become a scene from “final destination 3″, you unsuccessfully trying to avoid the ever approaching deathgrip of sh*ttyness that is her life

7. ms. i usually don’t date guys like you

there’s a reason for that. the rest of the “guys like you” were smart enough to run the f*ck away when they saw her coming

8. ms. batsh*t

although we covered them a bit more extensively already, i wanted to include this just to remind everyone that pulling a jasmine sullivan might get you dead

9. ms pretentious piece of sh*t (PPOS)

i have absolutely nothing witty or insightful to say. they need to perish, so just please stop f*cking them.

i know i’m forgetting a few. any additions?

—-the champ

Double Take.

Panama Jackson — Thu, 30 Apr 2009 04:00:12 +0000

So apparently Beyonce uses a body double when convenient.

Really!? (*rubbing chin*)

Now, clearly some people would be up in arms to find out that they’d been duped by the Creole Knowle who found it more enjoyable to go off shopping than make herself available for a personal special tour of a museum. Granted, it’s kind of dumb to send a look-a-like to your OWN special tour, which to me sounds like something you set up in the first place. You’d think that if you didn’t really want to go to your OWN PERSONAL TOUR of something, you’d call and cancel. But oh well.

She opted for the road more travelled and went shopping instead, but who can blame her?

I can just see Beyonce saying to her mother, “Forget the art museum, send Sheyonce. I don’t need to see no art. B*tch, I am Sasha Fierce art.”

By the way, did you all see the pink pants that Chad Johnson wore to the premier of Spike Lee’s documentary on Kobe Bryant? Fashion has just gone to damn far now. Anybody else noticed that rappers and athletes are starting to dress like the guys that rappers and athletes would beat up back in the day?

But I digress.

So Beyonce having a look-a-like, though devious, actually seems like a good idea. Think of all the demands made of Beyonce’s time. It stands to reason that if you could make it happen and get away with it, you’d snag a little time for yourself and send your clone to do the crap you really could live without. And if the trip’s in Mexico, you ALWAYS send your clone.

I think the bigger scandal here is this: Beyonce actually HAS a look-a-like that travels with her? This was in Austria, not Austin. That makes it sound premeditated. Then again, actually searching for and locating your clone makes the entire thing premeditated so, whatever.

This whole shenanigan (does the singular form of “shenanigans” actually exist? Like do people commit one caper then graduate to shenanigans? These things keep me up at night.) got me to thinking about a bunch of other people who could benefit greatly from having a clone.

Such as…

Barack Obama – Barry O spends more time on television nowadays than he does in the Oval Office. You can’t get work done if you’re always on TV. So what if he could send a clone to do all the speeches he’s been doing while he’s in his office pushing buttons and increasing spending making major decisions. Who’s to say he doesn’t have one already? What with all the random blunders (he actually said continulously, on air, this morning while thanking Arlen Specter for defecting to joining the DNC) we just might be witnessing a clone of the President who’s so often lauded for being so well spoken. Plus, it would give him more time to spend trying to kick Rush Limbaugh’s ass that smoking habit of his.

Michael Jackson – It might be hard trying find somebody who looks like an alien’s rendition of a human being though.

Britney Spears – She’s spent so much time in court the past few years, wouldn’t it be great to just say, “f*ck it, I don’t feel like going today, send Clone#2 to offer up my guilty verdict and I’ll just follow the proceedings on twitter.”

Captain Kirk – He got into so many shenanigans in his heyday and had so much alien cookie thrown his way he probably need a clone or four just to handle his smutload. By the way, smutload is one disgusting sounding word.

Eddie Murphy – After that whole transvestite prostitute thing, wouldn’t he have benefitted greatly if he could have been like like, “naw, homey, that wasn’t me, that was my look-a-like out there scheming on them hehoes. I have my OWN man-looking woman at home to deal with.”

Puffy (I refuse to call him Diddy) – Actually, one Puffy might be all the world can deal with.

Brad Pitt – That way Jennifer Aniston can get her a second shot at having his love children.

Namata – Just because he could make twice the amount of terrible music if there were more than one of him. Can you imagine this man and OJ Da Juiceman making a song together? You can…can’t you. (By the way if you can’t access those youtube links, you are truly missing out on f*ckery at its highest levels. I actually thought dude was Flavor Flav’s singing alter-ego for a while.)

My guitar gently weeps for sanity.

(By the way, and not to take shots at Memphis or anything, but when I first heard of OJ Da Juiceman you couldn’t tell me he wasn’t from Memphis. His entire swag says Memphis to me. Speaking of bad swag, meet Mr. Hit Dat Hoe.)

So, who else could really use a clone?

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL, HE A 3

PSA: Love or Something Like It

Panama Jackson — Wed, 18 Feb 2009 05:00:40 +0000

Mad shots to the homie Maverick for providing quality blog fodder yesterday. Also, let’s all lick shots for Big Poppa in Heaven.

*licking shots*

One day while out, I happened across a Barack Obama bobblehead doll, so you know I had to cop me one.

Here’s a picture:

Only a Black President could have me putting random Negro look-a-like bobbleheads in front of my flat-screen.

The first thing you may notice about my Obama bobblehead is that it doesn’t actually look like Obama. I mean its clearly supposed to be Obama, evidenced by him being Black, having a mole, and looking Presidential, but other than that, it’s a random Black cat with the word Obama written out on the bottom. I really have to wonder how that happened. I mean, clearly, Obama heads were commissioned and somebody made them – badly – and yet, here we are, with non-look-a-like Obama bobbleheads garnering as much as $29.99. I guess that by the time they made it to the final approval they were lacking on time and the person who headed up the process was just like f*ck it, send them out.

And I bought one anyway.

Which brings me to my point. I think people (actually, I KNOW) that people often have love f*cked the f*ck up for something else. The whole Chris Brown/Rihanna thing brings this to light for me. I’m not going to dwell on that situation, the other blogs will do that for us, but it does highlight one of quite a few things that folks often misconstrue as love.

1) Laying of the Hands – and not in the religious sense. Anytime somebody has to lay your a** out in order to show you that they love you, there’s clearly something wrong with them. Hell, I still feel guilty for beating up my little sister when we were 10 and 7 respectively. I actually feel sorry for women (and to a lesser extent men) who get caught up in relationships where they are so far gone that they think its okay for their man (or woman) to put hands on them on a whim. (And I’d like to point out that though I missed that convo last week, if a woman approaches you like a man, and wants to act like a man, she is well within her rights to get treated like a man). Bottom line, they don’t love you if they have to thump you to show you. They love beating you. Sad, but true.

2) On a lighter note, just because somebody spends mad dough on you does not mean that they love you. I’ve spent mad luchi on chicks I KNOW that I didn’t love before. I was dumb. Sue me. If I could do it all over again, I’d buy every random chick a box of Thin Mints and a Shoebox card that says, “you’re great, pull my thumb.” Money and love aren’t the same thing and shouldn’t be construed otherwise. Some of the best loves were made of people of simple means. Like Aladdin and Apu. Aladdin was broke as the f*ck. He had a whole song about being broke and what they had was real. Real love like a 1991 hip-hop soul song.

3) Somebody who only sees you on their schedule doesn’t really love you. I’ve said this before but I can’t stress this enough. Main tenet of a good relationship? Time. But you know what’s number 2? WILLFUL AND EXUBERANT INCONVENIENCE. When you really love somebody, you LOVE to go out of your way. I wrote about this a long time ago using Chappelle’s show “Cambodian Breast Milk” as my lynchpin (that’s a strange word, no?). Look sister, if your dude only wants to see you when he has “time”, he’s married with 2 children and only likes you because you do that thing with your tongue. You know what I’m talking about.

And um, keep that up. It’s probably the only way you’ll keep a man. Don’t get mad, I’m only being real.

Oh, and this one’s important.

4) Just because a person makes YOU feel better about yourself doesn’t mean that they love you. Now, it might help you to love them, but truth be told, unless you make them feel better about themselves too, they’re clealry just filling some hole (no pun intended) you were missing on the inside. To them, you could just be any random person. They could be your lucky charms, but to them, you might just be some low-fat, low-sugar, fiber-filled cereal. And best believe, NOBODY likes that sh*t. If they tell you they do, they’re lying and will put a hit out on your mother in 2 years.

And OF COURSE:

5) Just because they give you that good sacklovin’, doesn’t mean they actually love you. It means they love to see you naked, and they’re good at naked games. Love and sacklove should be treated as mutually exclusive. Trust me.

*****

So good people of VSB, with as much relationships experiences as we all have and have observed, and as a PSA for love-struck f*ckups everywhere, what are some things that people get confused as love?

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P

Where’s The Action?.

Panama Jackson — Tue, 03 Feb 2009 05:00:15 +0000

Yesterday, I briefly mentioned that many new children will be borneded in Pittsburgh because of the recent victory of the hometown Steelers. Though I was being a weebit facetious, there just may be some truth to those words. That idea got me to thinking: exactly what ARE some events that may have lead to an increase in the birth rate in this here fine nation of ours? I mean, we all know that upon finding out some good news or being apart of some good news tends to make people randy, right? That’s true, right? Right?

Sporting events get people’s blood boiled and emotions rise, but do they pass muster in the grand scheme? Let’s see.

Here are five eventst that I think helped spread the love:

5) Woodstock

Isn’t mud just, euphoric? On the real though, at a music festival intended to promote the ideals of s.ex, love, and rock & roll, you know folks were spreading 2 out of 3. Add a little PCP to the mix and the risky activities probably peaked in the middle of day 2. Every picture I’ve seen indicates that women AND men were giving up the lovin’ at rates unbefore known to man. And yes that counts as scientific evidence towards the fact that I’m right.

4) Million Man March

Though billed as a day of responsibility for Black men across the nation, my guess is that women everywhere were excited at the masses of Black men who seemed to care so much about the progress of the Black community. And you know what happens when Black women start thinking about responsible Black men. Yep: lovin. As in McLovin. Oh yeah. One million Black men too? You know the draws were being tossed at the TV screen from Idaho to Maine so when the man returned home, well, needless to say, I’ll bet they played apart in their own million man march…if you catch my drift.

3) Boston Red Sox 2004 World Series victory

This one probably didn’t really boost the Black love rate but you can’t tell me New Englander weren’t running around on major hump duty after the BoSox won in 2004. I’ll bet lots of “home runs” were hit that night! Heh heh heh. Okay, that was a bad joke but I’m exhausted right now. Sue me.

2) Dr. King’s March On Washington

Civil Rights? Check. Lots of people? Check. Way back in the 60s Dr. King and his organizers put together the March on Washington and I’ll bet lots of marching was taking place behind the scenes. With all of that good vibration and feeling going on in and around Washington because of this event, you know the lots of legal briefs were filed. Throw in the “down for the cause” ness of the March and hormones and love were at all an all time hight. My theory is that this did more for interracial mixing than any other time in history but I have no data to back that up. So we’ll just assume its true because I’m sexxy.

1) Election Night/Inauguration Weekend for President Barack Obama

This one is so easy its almost illegal for me to type it. But have you any idea how much lovin’ was happening because of the good mood and feelings that people were having because of these events? It’s like everybody was in a constant drugged state of being leading to lots of bad decisions, in the name of all that is right. I’ll bet that around September or October of this coming year, lots of little Inauguration Conceptions will become Stimulus Babies. That’s a little budget nerd humor for you. Viva la Obama – now gimme dat ….

***

So VSB.com, what are some other events that you think might have led to more lovin’ just due to the sheer excitement or good times of the event? Basically, why were people so happy to jump in the sack??

Where is the love, people? Where is the love?

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P