Men aren’t perfect. Here at VSB, we’ve proven this fact numerous times over the vast two-plus some years of our existence. But one thing that all men can claim to be are humanitarians. You see, us men believe in the survival of the species and realize that world peace is an achievable goal. Actually, I should say Western World peace because I don’t think there’s much of sh*t that’s gonna bring peace in some other locales.

This innate desire towards placidity and serenity causes us to do a lot of things instinctually that might seem quite odd to a lot of women, but really, we do it all for you. Yes, we benevolent beings and persons do what we can to make women’s lives easier on a day to day basis. I see you with your Lil Kim F*ck Face on wondering what nincompoopery Panama is speaking on. Fret not, Les Paul. Here at VSB, our goal is crime reduction and the peace process. And since Liz is an injun, you can share some peace pipe with her too. We’re nice like that. And here’s how we attempt to save the world:

1) We keep our phones on vibrate most of the time

Do you realize how many arguments are avoided because men keep their phones on vibrate and only answer when you’re not paying attention? I’m pretty sure a pirate ship did NOT overtake a UK sea vessel yesterday because of this very reason. See, a man’s ringing phone is fodder for “who is that?” Unless it’s mom (or sisters) usually the answer does not suffice. And because we’re pissed that you’re questioning our private property, you get pissed that we’re pissed for you questioning us. It’s a vicious cycle. Fat Bastard. Just be glad we’re thinking of your sanity, ma’am!

2) We don’t like to commit

Think about it, you know how you sharpen your debate skills? You deal with people who refuse to take sides and nail down an opinion. Well, because so many men attempt to avoid commitment, women are forced to become better arguers and deciders. This works WONDERS for diplomacy and world peace. No wonder Hillary Clinton is so good in her role as Secretary of State, Bill Clinton argued about the definition of “is”. She was primed to become a great orator…except where it counts.

Zing!

3) We allow you all to buy clothes for us that we’d never buy under any circumstance

People need clothes. Men have their own and women continue to add to our piles by buying us stuff we hate. Here’s where the world comes into play (and peep game, IT’S TWOFOLD!): A) we have more clothes to donate to Goodwill and places that take sh*t we hate, but B) this keeps the economy going as women are out there buying lots of crap that is either 12 sizes too small or says BIG DOG and ENYCE on it because somehow, it’s what cool guys are wearing…when they’re 16 or 90. But we take these clothes in the name of peace and wear them anyway, which boosts women’s esteem and a happy woman is one who will go on to great things.

4) When we’re out too late, we stay out until the next morning

On its face, this seems retarded, but if you think about it, this gives everybody time to come up with good reasons as to why he could possibly be out that late and not call. Men get the chance to sharpen our political skills and women get a chance to strengthen their creative juices. It’s a flip flop of epic proportions that the world benefits from! How could this ever be considered wrong!?

Anyway, those are a few ways that men attempt to save the world. Good folks of VSB, what are some other ways that men AND women contribute to world peace that are often looked at as problematic?

And smile, I’m sexxy.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka VITAMIN P aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

Related posts:

1. Until You Do Right By Me: 5 Ways That Women Go Wrong When It Comes To Dating Men.
2. the jackpot: four ways to know she’s probably trying to hit
3. pants on fire: 7 things we (men) like much more than you think we do…even though we’ll never admit it

i have a friend who has a somewhat sizable share of adoring female fans. tall, handsome, and earnest in a “guy who’d play a widowed bagel shop owner in a screwball comedy  starring katherine heigl” sort of way, he’s the type of guy most other guys would assume had good luck with the ladies, so the attention he receives isn’t surprising. i guess he’d be the “anti-jay-z“.

what is surprising, though, is the amount of attention his girlfriend receives among my friends…and how the general feeling about her is split into two distinct and decisive gender-based factions. basically, the men think she’s hot, the women think she’s not, and her level of attractiveness has been an enlightening discussion topic.

at first i assumed that the ladies’ general sense of “eh” in regards to her was birthed in a big ole bucket of haterade, but i soon realized that it wasn’t envy as much as its “she’s just not good-looking enough to be with him” (which brings up an entirely different “damned if you do, damned if you don’t: women are hypocrites” argument, but today isn’t the day for that). they just don’t see what we see when we see her, and no amount of convincing has been able to sway them to even entertain the idea that she’s attractive.

while this debate was somewhat unexpected, it really shouldn’t be. men and women never seem to agree about women’s looks…especially if its not an easy call. sure, most men and women would agree that nia long is great-looking, but once you leave “fine” and venture over to “cute” and “attractive” territory, their idea of what should make a woman appealing rarely matches our idea of what actually does. seriously, i’d bet a week of kelis child support checks that if i chose 30 random pics of women from alltheparties.com and asked a group of 10 men and 10 women to rank them, the women’s top seven and the men’s top seven would house completely different people.

in summary: nas has terrible luck with women

anyway, i’m not exactly sure why this drastic difference in opinion exists, but i have a few theories:

a) it’s God’s payback for men pretending not to know which guys women find attractive.

this theory holds water until you realize that our act is not an act at all. we really have no f*cking clue. for every idris elba and boris kodjoe (men that other men can understand why women are interested in them) there seems to be ten maxwell’s and lil wayne’s (men whose pull on women completely baffles other men), and this confuses us so much that we just stop trying.

b) we just have different ways of looking at women

***things a typical man notices when first looking at maliah michel (the video vixen/stripper/myspace supermodel pictured above)***

pretty. nice hips and thighs. surprisingly small waist for hips and thighs that size. surprisingly small tummy for hips and thighs that size. considering size of hips and thighs, as well as 8 inch distance between her and drake, likely holding mega-donk. long legs. looks like she smells like peach cobbler.

***things a typical woman notices when first looking at maliah michel***

gold stretch pants in may? what year is this, 1984? this b*tch thinks she’s jennifer beals. she should probably do a crunch or two the next time she rocks a see-thru shirt. you can’t have A-cups if your arms are that big. she could be cute if she didn’t look like drake just farted. if she’s been dancing all night, i know it smells like broccoli underneath those american apparel flashdance pants.

c) women are natural haters

***even though this has no real relevance to this topic, i just wanted to put it out there. carry on***

d) women actually are very aware of who and what we find attractive, but their consistent contrasting  is just them attempting to convince us that we‘re the ones who have no idea what attractive means

basically, they’re trying some elaborate jedi sh*t to influence our thought patterns and opinions by ovary osmosis. might seem far-fetched, but adam did eat the apple, so anything is possible

[***Admin Note: On June 3rd in New York City, The Champ will be on a panel with a few other "relationship experts" to talk about relationships, love, sex, and all that other good stuff, and he'd greatly appreciate your support. Go to moderndaymatchmaker.eventbrite.com for more details. Also, if you're planning on attending, please buy your tickets with the promotional code "VSB" to receive a 20% discount. Thanks!***]

—the champ

Related posts:

1. lost in translation: what men usually hear when women are talking to us
2. mercy, mercy, me…please?: the four cruelest things women consistently do to men
3. sadie’s suspect: four reasons why women shouldn’t pursue men

“I have extremely large nipples, and feel like they make my DD breasts look weird. I am only 20, and very self conscious about my chest appearing saggy. Do guys care about nipple size?”

this question popped up on p’s guyspeak page yesterday, prompting some interesting (and predictable) comments on our vsb facebook page (the overwhelming consensus? “hell no. yay nipples!!!“).

along with a couple conversations i’ve recently had with a few female friends, this discussion further drove home the idea that many women make their dating and relationship life much harder than it has to be by driving themselves crazy over things that won’t affect a man’s opinion of and level of attraction for her.

to help the vss’s of the world better navigate the murky waters of the dating and mating morass, here’s 10 things women tend to obsess over that guys could really give two shits about

1. saggy boobs

while its safe to say that men probably aren’t going to go gaga if your boobs look like you’ve duct taped two deflated water balloons to your chest, we realize that boobs (especially big boobs) tend to sag and we’re perfectly ok with that. in fact, its actually kind of hot to take off a woman’s bra and watch her boobs fall and sprint out of that bitch like usain bolt.

2. stretch marks

as long as they’re not on your forehead

3. how soon you’ve “given it up”

while it is true that a guy’s opinion of you might change if you don’t wait until a “suitable” (and, remember, “suitable” is completely arbitrary) time has passed before deciding to sleep with him, this only makes a difference if he wasn’t really that into in the first place and is basically just looking for a reason to eliminate you.

if he really likes you, it wont matter if you slept with him after four great dates or four great days, he’s still going to think just as highly of you afterward

4. how much you eat

it amazes me to hear about a grown-ass woman a ordering ceaser salad and ice water and shit on her date, only to have to cut it short  because her stomach is growling like busta rhymes in the scenario video. granted, when the menu comes, its probably not a good look to tell the waiter “yeah, just gimme page 2“, but if we wanted to date someone who ate like a six year old boy we would have been catholic priests

5. gifts

although we love gifts as much as anyone else, our love for them is more “cool. new shit.” than “wow! she really must have taken alot of time to think about this“. the thought doesn’t count any more than a gift card does

6. whether your expert-level bedroom prowess will scare us away

***channeling katt williams***

never the history of n*ggadom has a n*gga slept with his chick and thought to himself “damn!!! she’s a f*cking freak!!! i had no idea a wet elbow could do so many things. she’s so freaky in fact that she must have actually had sex with someone else before she met me. since that’s probably true, i can’t continue to date her”

7. your hair anywhere other than the top of your head

again, while having legs that feel like brown sugar cactuses when they’re laying next to you isn’t whats hot in the streets, obsessing to the point of neurosis over your eyebrows, eyelashes, armpits, and pubic area just makes us think you’re even crazier than we already think you are

8. what it smells like down there

as long as it doesn’t seem  like you’ve been spraying “sex panther” by odeon between your legs, you have nothing to be self-conscious about. actually, we all love what that thing smell like, word to black jesus

9. whether we’ll be upset that your jeans are target brand instead of true religion

there’s actually a word for guys who really care about stuff like that, and it starts with ‘h” and rhymes with “logoplaxical”

10. your age

i’m not going to say that age doesn’t matter, but most guys are more concerned with how old a woman looks and acts than how old she actually is. we’d much rather be with an active and youthful 37 year old than a 25 year old who looks like she lived through and slept with the great depression.

guys, did i miss anything? also, ladies, is there anything that men obsess over that you all could really give two shits about? the carpet is yours

—the champ

Related posts:

1. mercy, mercy, me…please?: the four cruelest things women consistently do to men
2. “is she cute?”: the one topic men and women never agree on…and why
3. lost in translation: what men usually hear when women are talking to us

If you let current literature tell it, men are from Mars, women are from Venus, and Lil Wayne is from some oddly named planet in a land far far away. And while there’s truth to it, the fact is, men are fairly simple enough to accept. I’d say understand but the truth is, men and women do not understand one another. The more people accept this fact, the less people would be trying to understand just what Jay and Beyonce talk about on their alone time.

I actually don’t think they talk to one another, but that’s a whole other talk show.

Anyway, as a service to mankind, I shall outline 10 simple truths about men.

1. “A woman’s life is love, a man’s love is life…”

This line was uttered by Phonte of Little Brother/Foreign Exchange on Little Brother’s song, “Breakin’ My Heart” on GetBack. That might be the most poignant utterance in the history of utterances. Mostly because it’s so true. Women spend so much time trying to find love, they can’t understand why men don’t feel the same way. Frankly, because for us, love is just a part of life – and that love can come from a $2 ho for some guys. I mean, do you know what a $2 ho will do for those 2 bucks? I don’t think you do. It’s deep.

Pun.

2. We lie, because that’s what you really want to hear. In that sense, we’re saints and martyrs all wrapped up in one. We’re Tiger Woods hitting on Mother Theresa.

If you don’t want to hear that you look like a barn in that outfit, when you know you do, don’t ask. Sensitivity is something little boys who play with dolls learn. G.I. Joe with the kung fu grip was an action figure, not a doll, by the way. We don’t normally realize you’re mad until AFTER you shoot back the glance. Thing is, ladies, it’s your fault. Don’t make us lie, and we won’t.

*snicker*

3. Some men do lie just because. Thing is, you already know this, why are you so damn disappointed?

I’ll never understand why nearly every woman I know thinks that men are liars and then gets all shocked and pantied-bunched when they find out their man lied to them. You ain’t special. According to the current media sh*t storm, if you’re a Black woman with a man, you’re a lucky minority (like a Black leprechaun). Oh yeah, and if you’re a white woman,  you’ve done NOTHING wrong, ever. Word to Fox News.

4. Until we say I love you, without you prompting it, we don’t.

You’ll know a man loves you when he just can’t stop himself from telling you. If you ask a man if he loves you, and he says, “yes”, he still hasn’t technically said it, he just answered the question that creates the shortest distance between two points: your mouth and his schlong.

5. Your degree and/or place of employment means absolutely nothing to us if you look like a cactus.

Even if you’re fine as May wine, we still don’t care unless you make way more money than we do, in which case, it is discussed on a case-by-case basis. Sorry, but it’s true.

6. When we act disinterested in you, it means we’re disinterested in  you. It does not, however, mean for you to try harder.

And yes, Margaret, we can still sleep with you without any interest whatsoever. We said we didn’t like you, your boobs have done nothing to us for us to not like them.

7. Actions speak louder than words. But unless he says the words, don’t go assuming anything.

Espcially don’t assume he’s your man. That always ends badly – like Hurricane Katrina badly. More simply, if we never say I love you or that you are our girlfriend, we don’t and you aren’t.

8. The fact that we’ll sleep with you and your friends doesn’t make us trifling – it means you need better friends.

Women tend to assume that there’s some code about not boning friends of friends. Must have been a white guy who started all that.

9. Nudity does not guarantee that we are interested in you.

It means that we both thought being nude was a good idea at the time.

10. Generally, men don’t like “b*tches”. We like stong and assertive women.

Attitude doesn’t make you strong and assertive. It means you have an attitude. You should give that to Garcon Garcon at the door there.

These are 10 truths about men. And this goes out to you, and you…this goes out to you.

Community of folks, what are other truths about men that women need to know? And to my estrogenitas out there, what are some truths about women that men won’t seem to accept.

Do your community service today and speak on it.

For the kids.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL, HE A 3

Related posts:

1. Some Universal Truths About Men And Women
2. two reasons why men are “better” at friendship than women are
3. lost in translation: what men usually hear when women are talking to us

Now let’s get back to business.

Men are simple creatures. We really are. You come home with a set of problems, we’re going to try to fix it. Now, we know that you don’t want us to fix your problem and really just want to hear yourself talk vent and share with us the details and frustrations of the day…

…but largely, we don’t want to hear it. Period.

And it’s not that we don’t want to hear you, it’s just that we’d really prefer not to listen to you go on and on about some problems that we could solve in a mere matter of seconds. And it spans across all types of arenas. Shoot. No pun intended.

You don’t believe me? Allow me to demonstrate.

Problem: Baby, I just look fat. This dress makes me look fat and I’m fatter than fat because I’m fat. Fat fat fat.

Desired Solution: Girl, you’re not fat, you’re beautiful and the world doesn’t fully understand the beautiousness that is you. There’s no way that you’d ever be fat.

(You see how that doesn’t solve anything?)

Man Solution: Change clothes and put on something that doesn’t make you look fat.

Do you see how this works? Let’s solve a few more problems that women have, you know, like man.

Problem: I’m not sure if he likes me.

Man solution: Does he actually call you first and/or spend time with you even when he doesn’t or you’re on your “monthly?” If so, he likes you. If not, he’s banging your best friend.

Problem: My friends are trifling. My girl, Sharon, said that she was going to go with me to the mall but she flaked out on me for some dude. Ain’t she trifling?

Solution: Yes she is. Get a new friend. She will always put random men in front of you. She will let you die just to get some booty.

Problem: My boss passed me over for a promotion. Hold me and make me feel better.

Solution: No. Go postal. Just don’t fly a plane into the building. It’s bad for your skin.

Problem: I can’t tell if he loves me.

Solution: If he ain’t say it, he don’t do it. (Not sure why more women are so curious about this one. If a man doesn’t tell you he loves  you or that you’re his girlfriend, he does not and you are not. Actions speak louder than words…unless words are available.)

Problem: My boyfriend cheated on me but I still really love him and don’t want to leave him. I’m so confrused like Young Buck calling 50 Cent. I just don’t know what to do but because I’m a woman I keep talking about this over and over.

Solution: He cheated once he’ll do it again. Either ship out,  join in, or shut the f*ck up about it and accept that some other chick juggled your man’s balls. You clearly want to stay so stay and shut up about it. Everybody will judge you so just suck it up. The situation, not his balls. Well, do that too.

Problem: My boyfriend doesn’t like talking to me.

Solution: Get some girlfriends. Man watch TV.

Problem: I don’t understand men and need help.

Solution: Read Very Smart Brothas bitches.

Those are a few solutions to some common problems of women. Good people of the VSB, what are some other simple and common sense solutions to problems that arise? Don’t be shy.

Share.

Bitches.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL, HE A 3

Related posts:

1. just don’t do it (three of the most common relationship mistakes women make)
2. lost in translation: what men usually hear when women are talking to us
3. Stop It With The Ugly Girl Problems (Unless You’re An Ugly Girl)

you’d think i was an expert when i came to the opposite sex

i mean, between my female fam, my great little cousin (happy birthday, homie) my numerous “not really all that platonic” friends, my old girlfriends, the crazy mocha baristas ive befriended, my verysmartness, and the biweekly¹ wisdom i spit, you’d think i’d know everything i needed to know about women by now.

i mean, sure, i know more than most. i know that when it doubt, compliment her hair. i can unclapse a bra with one hand in under 37 seconds, and, on a good day, i can even guess exactly when their period is due, give or take 2-3 weeks.

sadly, there’s some shit about women that i still just don’t get, stuff that goes completely over my otherwise verysmart head, and i need answers now!

1. considering the fact that i strain so much that i partially tear my achelles tendon every freakin time i put on a pair of tims, how the hell do you fit your feet into these…

…without dislocating your ankles?

2. (generally speaking) why does your taste in movies (generally) suck walrus d*ck? also, when you went to the d*ck store to decide which animal’s privates your taste in movies would suck, why did you have to overachieve and choose a walrus? why not something smaller like a cat or a ferret?

3. how the hell did your legs get so gotdamn strong?

*seriously, it doesn’t matter if she’s 5’1” and 85 pounds. if you get in a “play wrestling” match with a woman, any woman, and she manages to get her legs around you, its a wrap. just give up. with the exception of danny glover’s face, there’s nothing on earth stronger than a woman’s thigh grip, and any resistance at that point is futile.*

4. (generally speaking, again) why do you make so much more noise than we do during sex? i mean, as great as sex feels, i can’t imagine the getting being so good that it makes me wake the neighbors two blocks away, and i’d be scared to death of some vagina that made me convulse for four minutes and cry

seriously, if sex felt as good for us as you all make it sound and look, every man on the planet would die in a week from starvation and sleep-deprivation because we’d literally masturbate 24 hours straight every day until we were dead².

*btw, please don’t assume that me asking about the noise you make means that we don’t like it. please, continue to bring the muthaf*ckin noise*

5. you all hardly ever take shits, so how do you all manage to go through so much toilet paper? seriously, ya’ll go through more rolls than a fat kid at red lobster, and i’m curious how and why you’re able to do this.

6. why don’t you just tell us whats wrong when we first ask “whats wrong?”? and, if we take your “nothing” answer at face value and stop asking whats wrong, why do you get even more upset that we’re not asking you whats wrong anymore?

also, to save time and energy, is their any other initial question or code word or phrase we can ask in lieu of “whats wrong?” that’ll actually get you all to tell us whats wrong the first time we ask it? will “pass the jello” work? how about if we just say “jack mcbrayer”?

7. how do you always manage to pick the player and/or team to root for that will irritate us the most?

8. generally speaking, we’re smelly, hairy, and ugly egomaniac assholes. why aren’t you all lesbians? i mean, i get the whole advancing mankind thing. but, if i were forced to sleep next to this every night for 40 years…

…mankind could go f*ck itself

can somebody give me some freakin answers, please?

also, people of vsb.com, is there anything about the opposite sex that you still just don’t get, and would like to know?

¹is it biweekly or bimonthly when you’re trying to describe something that happens twice a month? i’d google this and find out, but i’m afraid google will respond with “n*gga, didnt you teach high school english for 4 years? shouldn’t you know this already? no wonder my nephew, twitter, cant read or write”

²this is no hyperbole.

—the champ

Related posts:

1. the compass: the vsb guide to what men really mean when they’re talking to you
2. 10 things women obsess over that guys could really give two sh*ts about
3. lost in translation: what men usually hear when women are talking to us

its a story we’ve all heard before:

boy approaches girl at lupe fiasco lookalike contest afterparty. girl is charmed by boys proper use of “peripheral” when describing her booty, and gives phone number to boy. boy calls girl three and a half days later, and continues to charm girl with the type of detached emo-negro affected behavior that sistas with glasses, asses, advanced degrees, and daddy issues love more than crackheads love stilts.

girl and boy plan date. girl is so enamored with boy that she requests boy as a friend on facebook. boy happily accepts, but is troubled when an email titled “yo…” ends up in his facebook inbox a day later. apparently, boy’s buddy recognizes girl as “easy e” –a name girl (ericka) was given while she was a sigma sweetheart in college– and warns boy that girl has been around the block more times than a mailman with alzheimer’s. boy investigates buddy’s claim, and finds that it is true. girl has actually slept with somewhere between 4 (confirmed) and 124 (rumored) guys.

upset by the fact that girl “hid” this info from him, and relieved that he found out before he actually kissed her, boy cancels date with girl, citing “shingles” as the reason for the change of plans. disappointed girl curses to herself, and begins to write and market memoirs about her experiences as a successful and single black woman.

the idea that a woman’s number –how many sexual partners shes had– greatly effects how society and (most) men will regard her has been practically embedded in our brains since birth.  little girls are taught how to properly sit down “like a lady” by their grandmothers two minutes after they first learn how to stand so that they won’t appear to be “fast”, and little boys are taught to avoid fast girls while we’re still so young that we’re still grossed out by what fast even means. this stigmatization intensifies as we age, as even an unsubstantiated rumor about a young woman’s excessive sexual activity is enough alter everything from her social status to her career arc.

nowhere is this idea more evident than in the dating and relationship game, where men are not only given carte blanche to insult, degrade, and dismiss promiscuous women…we’re actually dissed if we don’t. the only thing worse than a ho is a captain hell-bent on saving them.

there are myriad evolutionary and physiological reasons used to explain why this mindset has been ingrained in us, but these three are cited a bit more often than others

1. because there’s more of a likelihood that sex will do harm to a woman’s body (ie: pregnancy, an increased vulnerability to STD’s, etc) than a man’s, women who sleep around and continually put themselves in harms way have their decision-making abilities and sanity questioned, damning traits for anyone hoping to be a mother.

2. only in the past half-century or so has a man been able to verify without a doubt that his kids were undeniably his. because of this, its easy to understand why we hold relatively chaste chicks in higher regard than wanton women. its kind of hard to take someones word that “it’s yours” if you know they’ve already slept with the entire 2010 AFC pro bowl roster

3. men are natural explorers and discoverers, and no man wants to claim some scorched earth thats already been explored and discovered by the next n*ggas tribe.

thing is, none of these oft-cited reasons directly address the most important element in all of this, the real logic behind the continued animus towards wanton women, the driving force behind the boy from the story canceling the date plans: our dicks.

you see, for a woman to truly understand how neurotic men can be about our own sexual prowess/performance, take your hang-ups about your body, your weight, and your hair, combine them, and multiply them by ten.

why is this important?

well, if a woman’s been “around”, its assumed that she’s been exposed to an array of different people, penises, and sexual practices and positions. in the (typical) man’s mind, this exaggerated sexual experience means that there’s an increased chance that he’ll be unable to please her, and, subsequently, unable to keep her faithful. this is the main reason why most savvy men learn to adapt a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy if they’re really into someone, but would have had serious trouble even getting to the “really into her” point if he was made privy to her past. even if this thought-process is completely off-base and untrue, we tie so much of our self-worth into our ability to satisfy the woman we care about that even the assumption that a woman might be sexually unpleasable automatically makes her unwifeable.

who knows, maybe one day things will be different, and women will possess the same relatively unstigmatized freedom to act on their sexual whims that we currently do.

until then, my advice for all the “easy e/erickas” of the world? build a time machine. if that doesnt work, just date reggie bush

—the champ

Related posts:

1. Why Kanye Matters so Gotdamn Much
2. 5 Things Men Say (and do) When We’re Just Running Game
3. milk was a bad choice: 10 signs that you’re in a sh*tty relationship

ATTN: Today we have another VSB Double Header: This post + a new episode of The VSB Files. Make sure you listen to the next episode of our podcast after reading (and commenting) on this post!

while we’re quick to chalk these annoyances up to anything from pms to regular, garden-variety female craziness, they’re usually just there because they care.

1. regularly call you to talk about absolutely, positively, nothing

typical phone conversation between a guy and his girlfriend

her: “hey”

him: “whats going on?”

her: “nothing much. just sitting here at work, thinking about wallpaper, appliances, and jews. oh wait, did i tell you that i walked past like five mailboxes today??? five!!! in one day. can you believe that?”

him: “thats crazy”

her: “i know right? i think that broke my all-time record. oh, i almost forgot: i called to tell you that i just found that pencil i was looking for last weekend. don’t you know it was in the pocket of my peacoat the entire time?”

him: “word?”

her: “yeah. well, anyway honey, i gotta get back to work. i’ll call you back in about seven or eight minutes”

thing is, even though these relentless convos are more annoying than cat farts, you put up with them because you realize that she does this because she’s into you, and that her not feeling a strong need to give you a play-by-play of her daily minutiae means that she’ll probably soon be on to tnn¹

2. occasionally get mad for no apparent reason

beware if this is a regular occurrence, though, because you dont want her going all “jilted NFL girlfriend”² and sh*t on you.

3. subtly hate on women she thinks you’re attracted to

typical conversation between a guy and his girlfriend

him: “so who else is planning on going to the bbq?”

her: “the usual folks. kim and her crew, tonya and her man, kiesha, her boyfriend, nicole, tracey and her husband. you know, the regulars”

him: “cool. i havent seen nicole in a minute. she’s still teaching that yoga class, right?”

her: “yea, she is. she actually had to sleep in the studio for a couple weeks because her condo got infested with bedbugs”

him: “word?”

her: “yeah, and i dont even know if she got completely rid of them”

4. clean your sh*t without you asking

yeah, i know, i know, i know. how the hell is someone cleaning your sh*t without you even asking annoying?

while i agree that this sounds good in theory, try waking up one cold december saturday and not being able to find the sweats that were laying beside the bed because your girl decided to put them in the washer because they smelled funny, and then try spending the next 50 minutes trying to heat up because your anemic ass gets chilled easily, and then come back and tell me how un-annoyed you are then.

thing is, a woman will only do something like this if she’s truly into you, because even implying the word “clean” around a chick who’s lukewarm on your ass is a worse idea than the my touch³.

5. be brutally honest and kind at the same time…during sex

its annoying because, well, its just annoying as hell to hear “hey, its probably not going to happen for me tonight. its been a long day and i just want to go to sleep. its ok, though. don’t worry about it. you don’t have to stop” right in the middle of your most furious strokage, but its also endearing because her brutal orgasm honesty lets you know that she probably definitely wasn’t faking it the other times.

plus, if you didn’t completely lose your erection after she told you she’d rather play tetris on her blackberry instead of even attempting to climax, you can still finish. how cool is that??

anyway, vsb, i’m sure i’m missing some. can you name some other annoying-ass (yet endearing) things women (and men) only do if they’re truly into you?

¹the next n*gga

²seriously, when did “girlfriends” replace the police as the leading cause of a black man’s demise? can anybody tell me? did i miss a meeting or something?

³”hey, we want you all to know that we’re currently selling a much, much worse, but more expensive version of our best product. any takers?”

—the champ

Related posts:

1. sh*t i just don’t get about women
2. 10 things women obsess over that guys could really give two sh*ts about
3. lost in translation: what men usually hear when women are talking to us

i’ve never met helena andrews, and i most likely never will.

but, after reading “successful, black, and lonely” and watching the corresponding video, i can say that i’ve known, dated, slept with, talked to, discussed, consoled, admonished, sympathized with, and theorized about her my entire adult life.

i also know that her washington post profile will probably spawn a nation-wide discussion about the perpetually single successful black female of the saks fifth serengeti, and that ms andrews and her upcoming memoir (“bitch is the new black”) will be dissected, debated, and dichotomized more times than drake’s appeal.

admittedly, i don’t know exactly why ms. andrews herself is single. her lonely lot could be due to anything from bad choices, bad luck, and bad timing to haughtiness, hopelessness, and halitosis. but, i’ve known enough of her doppelgangers to have a pretty good idea of a few things she might be able to do (or stop doing) to improve her fortune:

1. change

i know suggesting that someone change themselves to better their romantic circumstances isn’t the most politically correct thing to say, but i can’t continue to ignore the pink and green elephant with the “she’s (the helena doppelgangers) probably just not attractive enough to the men she’s most attracted to” sticker on his ass that always seems to show up when having this discussion. mind you, this isn’t suggesting that she’s (or any other helena doppelganger) unattractive or undesirable, just maybe not attractive or desirable enough to the type of guys she fancies.

having stringent standards is fine. you can’t tell another person what they should or shouldn’t be attracted to. but if the sticker on the elephant’s ass is true, you’re left with two options

a) wait and hope that one of those men will lower his standards and take a flyer on you

b) find out what kind of women those men are most attracted to and do your best to mimic them (basically do everything lil kim has done since 1996)

2. realize that our grass isn’t that much greener

a latent underlying theme in the successful but single young black woman discussion is that black men with similar “qualifications” have a much, much easier time navigating the dating and relationship game. since the ratio (and nature) is in our favor, we can apparently pick, choose, and discard indiscriminately while black women are passive subjects to our random whims.

while the numbers definitely do favor us, the only ones able to truly take advantage of this imbalance are those in the top 5 to 10% (who’d get what they wanted regardless of the ratio) or those trying to run through and rack up as many different women as possible. for the rest of us, the process of finding an available, attractive, and compatible mate can be just as baffling, confusing, frustrating, disheartening, and even occasionally depressing.

basically, this sh*t is hard as hell for all of us.

mind you, i’m not bringing this up to have a “your woes aren’t as bad as mine” battle with black women. but, knowing that your issue isn’t quite as unique as you think it is does wonders when trying to keep a positive outlook and limit the blame-gaming.

3. date out

to all the sistas who are deeply ambivalent about stepping out and trying “something old”, its really not that serious. if you’re lucky you’ll be on earth for approximately 80 years, and I’d hate for you to spend a good portion of that time sacrificing your own happiness for some romanticized technicolor racial loyalty.

do. you.

and don’t worry, you can bring him to the barbecue too. we’ll even make him a plate.

4. pay close attention to her

to expound: everybody has at least a couple women in their sphere of influence who are either happily married or seemingly never without multiple desirable suitors. sometimes these women aren’t nearly as attractive on paper as others in their group, but they somehow stay somewhat unaffected by the dating and mating issues plaguing their peers.

instead of clowning them for “losing their identity” and always choosing d*cks over chicks, pay attention to what they’re doing and how the hell they’re consistently able to produce “better” results i mean, if you wanted to be a millionaire you’d probably try to emulate other millionaires, right? how is this any different?

5. remember that you’re not entitled to sh*t

this is an especially hard concept to grasp (for women and men) because we’ve all been schooled that life is by and large an incentive laden meritocracy. if you work hard for four years, you’re (rightly) entitled to degree. if you do your job excessively well, you’re (rightly) entitled to a raise and (maybe) a promotion.

romance, on the other hand, doesn’t work that way. we’re all entitled to and deserving of a modicum of fairness and respect, but no one is entitled to be in a great relationship. its not supposed to happen. if it does? fine. if not, oh well. sh*t happens, and you’re probably not going to be getting any romantic entitlement refund checks in the mail

i know this sounds a bit discouraging, but realizing that you’re not entitled to romantic happiness has a funny way of fighting off the type of faulty (and self-defeating) mindset that could led to you saying something like this…

“He could be my winter boo. I need a boo. My life sucks. When your life sucks, a winter boo with his own apartment would be awesome to have”

…and wondering why you’re having dating difficulty.

6. move

it always amuses me when women move to ultra-competitive, ultra-cutthroat, ultra superficial, and ultra cold-hearted cities and then are shocked when the dating game there is just as ultra-competitive, ultra-cutthroat, ultra-superficial, and ultra cold-hearted. not everyone is built to live in atlanta or new york or l.a. or d.c., and there’s nothing wrong with admitting that to yourself.

the sports guy bill simmons put it best:

“It’s crazy to me how many women have trouble finding a decent boyfriend, yet they’ll stay in the same city for 10 years. If you were fishing in one section of a river every day, and you never caught anything, would you keep returning to the exact same spot, or would you try your luck somewhere else?”

7. learn the difference between wanting to be in a relationship and being in love with the idea of being in a relationship

when talking to helena doppelgangers about their relationship difficulties, you usually get the sense that they want the perks of a serious coupling (a warm bed, a ring, a date to the company christmas party, an answer to the “why aren’t you dating?” question they’re asked every time their mom calls) but aren’t willing to make the sacrifices needed to get there. so, even if they happen to meet their prince idris, they wouldn’t be ready for it at all.

plus, relationship minded men (and women) have a tendency to be attracted and drawn to who’s actually down instead of who’s just looking for a suitable mate so they can finally cross it off of their to-do lists

usually this is where i’d end the entry with some snarky summary or concluding series of questions, but i have to say that reading and writing about helena andrews has produced a bit more ambivalence than i anticipated, and i’m not sure exactly how to wrap this up.

maybe my ambivalence is just me reaching the point of “why successful black women are single” discussion fatigue. maybe she reminds me of too many of my friends to just be cool with offering the type of unaffected didactic advice/criticism/snark i’m used to, or maybe the fact that i didn’t even acknowledge the possibly of a 10,000 pound “she’s single because we (black men) need to step our games up” elephant standing in the room says more than this 1,300 word entry.

who knows?

i do know that if “bitch is the new black“, “bitching about bitchy black women” is definitely the new crack, and i think its time for us to find a way to kick this addiction.

—the champ

Related posts:

1. The VSB Files — Episode 003: Black Woman Down? A Conversation with Helena Andrews
2. the transcript (from every piece ever televised about “successful, but single” black women)
3. no he didnt!: the five worst times to approach a black woman

although i’ve never personally cheated on a mate, i’ve been friends and acquaintances with so many habitual cheaters that i consider myself to be a cheating maven.

i’ve been every alibi (“yeah kim, he was with me last wednesday night. he let me borrow his blender, and since he was there we watched the spurs game, did some blow, and fell asleep on my couch“), heard every story, and have had every possible guilty rationale volunteered to me (“i know i be doing my girl dirty, dog, but i’m anemic so i can’t help it.“)

basically, i’ve heard every single logical reason why a man might have cheated. some are mind-numbingly simple and concise while others are much more nuanced and layered than you would ever imagine

today, as another example of our commitment to fighting crime, i’m going to share all 35 of them.

before i continue, i want to state that i completely abhor cheating and cheaters, (i even distanced myself from a friend before because of this rationale: the way he dogged her out, i knew he couldn’t have had much respect for anybody, including me), and this list isn’t a justification as much as its an explanation for why a guy might decide to step out of the relationship and an answer to the stupidly ubiquitous “why do men cheat?¹” question.

1. he thinks being monogamous is unreasonable

some guys just don’t believe being faithful is even possible, so they don’t even try

2. he wanted to

sometimes, its really as simple as a guy saying to himself “you know, i’ve never cheated on my girl before. i think i will this weekend”

3. he needs the extra attention

there are some men who can’t function without women perpetually fawning over him, and fawning sometimes leads to forking

4. he’s not physically attracted to you anymore

it sucks to hear this, but sometimes it’s really as simple as “you gained too much weight in the past year“ or “that chimp attack really didn’t do you any favors”

5. he feels entitled to

“i cheat because i can because i am who i am”

6. he can’t say no to a woman

these are usually also the guys who have closets full of never worn clothes they bought just because the cute chick at the banana republic convinced him to open a credit line

7. he just happened to be horny at a time when she (the other chick) was around and you weren’t

*reason number 324 why long distance relationships usually don’t work*

8. he wants you to break up with him

because he doesn’t have the balls to do it himself

9. he got caught up in the heat of the moment

sometimes its not about anything other than the fact that he happened to be rocking some “long hours at the office intensely working on a project with a female co-worker” goggles and got caught up

10. you’re boring as hell in bed

*also known as “the halle berry”*

11. he needs to cheat to keep the relationship happy

this is a tricky one, because a guy does this with his woman’s long-term benefit in mind. he’s love and wants to be with her, but realizes that he’ll get frustrated with her if he doesn’t use another woman as an outlet

12. he thinks he can’t please you sexually

generally speaking, we’re (men) extremely neurotic about our sexual performance. if we feel like we’re not fulfilling your needs, we consider it to be a personal indictment on our manhood (or lack thereof). this neurosis can lead to us going outside of the relationship for the sexual ego boost

13. he doesnt respect you

basically, he treats you like sh*t because he doesn’t think you deserve any better

14. you didnt trust him

the pressure of you always thinking that he was going to cheat finally broke him

15. he was pursued and seduced

just think of something a movie character played by robin givens would do. most guys can put up the “no” fence, but its takes a special individual to stop a relentless she-devil. it’s like wearing a mask in a room full of people with h1n1

16. you’re the mother of his children

and he just doesn’t want to do freaky sexual things to someone who’s breast feeding his daughter

17. you let him do it before

so this really shouldn’t be a surprise

18. its his form of masturbation

although women think this is bullsh*t, for some guys, there’s no difference between sex with another chick and j*rking off to bootytalk 82.

19. you stopped having sex with him

duh!

20. he thinks his penis is his only positive attribute

basically, this is the guy who ties his entire self-worth on being able to get women off. its all he thinks he’s good at (and he might be right)

21. he always needs to win

some ultra competitive alpha male types can’t stand losing, ever. to him, he cheats because he wants to win every attractive girl he sees for himself just so that the other guys interested in her will lose

22. he needed to see if he’s still attractive to other women

although, admittedly, he could probably do this without actually sleeping with them

23. he found someone he likes more than you

shit happens

24. he was peer pressured into it

its rare, but there are guys who cheat just because everyone else in their peer group is doing it

25. you cheated on him

duh, again

26. he’s a nymphomaniac

while i’m sure hundreds of men have tried to use this as a cop-out, sex addictions do actually exist. they even have support groups and reality shows and sh8t

27. he’s a thrill seeker

to him, sex isn’t fulfilling unless he knows he’s doing something or someone he shouldn’t be doing

28. he was given an offer/opportunity he couldnt refuse

you only live once. how many other times will he have the opportunity to sleep with keri hilson?

29. he couldn’t choose between you and the other chick, so he just decided to have both

to him, doing this is no different than going to coldstone and saying “damn, i can’t choose between sweet cream and moose tracks. maybe i’ll just get both”

30. he’s intentionally self-destructive

he knowingly doesn’t sh*t to sabotage good around him, and he cant help it.

31. he wanted to hurt you to pay you back for something you did to him

remember this the next time you b*tch to him about putting down the toilet seat

32. he has more options now than he did when you first met each other

and he either can’t handle the extra attention, or thinks its time for an upgrade

33. he was with her before you two even met

i have a friend who has had the exact same sidechick in each of his last three relationships. honestly, this is one i don’t understand. i’m gonna have to get him on vsb one day to explain himself

34. he needed to get it out of his system before fully committing to you

another “sounds like bullsh*t” excuse that actually does occasionally ring true

35. he enjoys “getting over” on people

there exists people who would rather steal something than get it for free, and men who cheat on women just because he enjoys knowing that he knows something she doesn’t know.

so, people of vsb.com, do you agree that there can be various reasons why a man might step outside of his relationship, or do you think this list could have just stopped at “1. he’s a b*tch-ass n*gga. the end”?

the carpet is yours

¹you know, i’ve always hated being asked “why do men cheat?”, because the query itself has a way of implying four separate fallacies.

a) all men cheat.

b) cheating is a man-specific trait.

c) men are monoliths who all cheat for the exact same reason

d) jello

—the champ

Related posts:

1. five completely selfish reasons why i’ve never cheated
2. lost in translation: what men usually hear when women are talking to us
3. the sad clown: four reasons why “funny” girls finish last