Right now, I’m writing this post overlooking the Pacific Ocean in a hotel room in Redondo Beach, California. What a view.

LA…stand up. By the way, I love Cali like I love women. A lot.

I came out to the West West Y’all for a wedding and that got me to thinking about things that happen at weddings. Nuptials. Drunken Happy grandparents doing the Cupid Shuffle. Wedding Cake. Dancing. Hotel parties. One night-stands.

Ah…the one night stand. The one night stand is a lost art. It really is. I think people have forgotten the nuance, subtlety, and showmanship of a proper one night stand. Now folks be brown-nosin’ these pros. I treat a one-night stand like 7-Up, I never have I never will.

I can’t be your lover.

Thing is, most of us have done it at least once. Maybe not intentionally. Maybe you intended to call her back…you just forgot. She was a one-night stand by default. Or maybe you just wanted to get you some and he was available and after you were done you wanted to repent so bad you can’t bring yourself to answer his 37 calls in 22-minutes and relegated him to, “eewww girl…not that white stuff.”

But here, we’re talking about real one-night stands. Like the kind you plan to enter on purpose.

So let’s go on ahead and just show you how to do this, son. Did you know that there’s rules to this sh*t? No? Well I wrote me a manual. Thank me kindly and love you good.

VSB Guide To The Proper One-Night Stand

1. Leave the last names at the door. The only thing last names are good for are paternity tests and finding you in the phonebook to stalk you…for a paternity test. No last name, no future problems. It’s not yours anyway. She let you hit on the first night, it could be anybody’s kid. Just keep telling yourself that.

2. Don’t wake up looking into his or her eyes. Eyes are the windows the soul and all that. Though I have to wonder…if you have terrible vision, does that mean that your eyes are like stained-glass windows to the soul? Like you can’t really see through them but you know there’s something on the other side? That’s deep. Anyway, looking into someone’s eyes will make them ask for your last name. And why do people want last names? To establish connection because they want to call you again. Stop it. Just don’t do it. In fact. Get up and leave while their sleep.

3. Hmm…don’t go to sleep. Do your duty. Please that booty. Perhaps even a Rooty Tooty Fresh ‘n Fruity. Then bounce ever so coolly. And friend, strap up so there are no oopsies.

4. Keep the conversation above board. That means that you shouldn’t be discussing your hopes and dreams with the intended target of one-night standation unless its directly necessary to procure the panties or boxer briefs. Thing is, the more talking you do and getting to “know” one another fully clothed, the less likely it will be possible to complete the Perfect One-Night Stand. We’ll have to start deducting points for execution. On some Chinese 12-year old stuff. Go USA!

5. Don’t be winin’ and dinin’ no one night stand one some full-fledged trickin’. For one, it ain’t necessary. Trust me. For b, that violates section 1512(c) of Title 69, that explicitly states: “Notwithstanding any other provision of law, any procurer of pleasure that does not otherwise intend to build a structured foundation with said procuree, there shall be no trickin’.” Hey, I didn’t make it up. I’m just the messenger. Like Nicolas Cage.

Follow these rules and you can guarantee success. And the best part is that they’re actually unisex. So get thee people. Get your jollies and tallyho. A little bit. Just a little bit in love with you.

Of course, there are more rules, and in order to fully craft the perfect one-night-stand manual, we need to ge them all. So share…share.

Why don’t you…dance?

(By the way, I think I put something like 10 random arse song references in this post. If you can name 5 and what song or artist they’re from, I’ll send you a hi-five).

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST

In light of yesterday’s post from Heather Hunter — who’s probably not the p0rn star — and her wayward speaking beau (and the “man’s” attempt to shut us down for a few hours), I figure I’d delve a little deeper into the “wrong sh*t to say” phenomenon. You see, women often allude to the fact that a lot of dudes would get a lot further with them if they’d never open their mouths.

I suppose a lot of guys do say the wrong thing…I suppose. Then again, it always works on some chick. Let’s face it, all women don’t have standards. Which bodes well for guys who don’t really like chicks with standards. That’s the win-win.

Anyway, for a little Friday fun, I figured I’d throw out my guess as to five statements that would probably ruin any woman’s first impression of a man. Let’s see if I know what I’m talking about. I think I do.

PANAMA SPITS THAT HOT FIYAH: 5 STATEMENTS THAT WILL BURN YOU AT YOUR STEAK

1. “Hey bitch.”

Of course, if you’re in France, and you bring your pet Chow to the restaurant with you and it just so happens to be a , ya know, b*tch, it’s quite possible that he was talking to your dog since all dogs go to heaven. And you DO NOT want to get in trouble with big guy upstairs by NOT recognizing the b*tch at the bar…right? Right??

2. “Girl, your a** looks like two basketballs stuffed with two watermelons being eaten by two midgets down there. Hell, I don’t know whether to bounce, bite, or give your ass a pound.”

Yeah, even I have no defense for that one. By the way? That’s a lot of arse.

3. “I’m not really a big fan of relationships. I really just want to have the kind of *word that rhymes with flex* with you that monkeys have when they’re mad at the gazelles. Girl, you know what I’m talking about…”

Interestingly, many women say this is what they’d rather hear from a man than all the game he’s spitting. I don’t believe you, you need more people. I can’t see how any man who says this to a woman would really be given honesty points. In fact, I don’t think ANY man would come out well in this situation. Except maybe LL Cool J. But then again, he’s starting to look like a woman so maybe he knows exactly what woman want to hear.

4. “Miss lady, you’re very pretty. I’ve never seen a woman with such natural beauty as you have and I just wanted to tell you that. If you think that’s sweet, wait til you see how much honey I’d like to pour all over your body. Bartender…bartender…do you have any of her bathwater back there on tap because she is a tall drink of water and I AM FEELING…THIRSTY!”

Heh heh. I’d actually like to try this at some point…just to see how fast the chick would go from “he’s nice” to “I hope you die a slow and painful death”. I have 9 seconds in the office pool.

And lastly…

5. “Great lips. I bet you **** a mean ****. “

Never mind that it might be true. My guess is that telling a woman that she probably ***** a mean **** will ensure that you go home with a *** ****. Which is never a good thing. Of course, on the off chance that she does both **** a mean **** AND wants to show you, well then slap me silly and call me Susan because you’ve just met a hooker.

So good people of VSB.com, what are some things that you’ve actually heard that ruined a first impression in something like 5 seconds flat. Ladies, I KNOW with all the stories that get floated out here that there are a million jacked up statements. And fellas (what!), fellas (what!), what are some lines you’ve actually tried on chicks that you knew weren’t going to work but you said, “who cares, maybe she’ll bite?” Deviant, I KNOW you got lines!

Sharing is caring, people.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST

Yesterday, I said that any woman can be charmed. I fervently believe this to be true. Deep down, all women are romantics just waiting for some man to come in and sweep them off their feet with good conversation, romance, and some good wang. So despite the cold demeanor that many women possess, they’re all secretly hoping that even the 5’4” midget brotha with two gold and two silver teeth and wearing Fila’s will be the prince they read about when they heard about the first “tougher than Nigerian hair” weave goddess, Rapunzel.

But how is it possible that any woman can be charmed right out of her panties? I’m glad you asked. You see, we here at VSB.com are benevolent souls who’s sole goal in life is to help with the Cotton Removal Project people find love.

And for the record, this assumes you have the cajones to actually go talk to a chick. Also, let’s just assume we’re past the initial approach and trying to figure out how to get the young lady interested.

With that said, I present:

CHARMING HER SOCKS OFF: 5 WAYS TO CHARM A CHICK

1. Make her laugh. Despite the sheer no-brainer-ness of this it’s not easy to make a chick laugh. There are a few ways to do this. For some of you fellas, you can just whip out your Johnson. I’m sure that’s good for a laugh or two, but that’s not so much charming as it is sexual harassment. For most guys, being witty is key. Try to say something smart and funny. Try NOT to say something so STUPID that she’s laughing AT you and not with you because you tried to show you were smart. Basically, if you get into a conversation about grammar and the word homonym comes up, don’t say:
“Yeah, I really don’t get down with homonyms like that for real. I’m 100% percent straight, you know what I’m saying?”

2. Be vague and mysterious, but open and inviting…all at the same time. Tell her everything and nothing all at the same time. Women like to feel special and always want to feel like they’re getting more information out of you than other people have. In short, if she asks you a question just tell her that, “Look, it’s not in my nature to be mysterious. But I can’t talk about it and I can’t talk about why. However, I feel like I can open up to you.” See, say nothing and yet you’ve made yourself mysterious. Charmed.

3. Be artsy. I don’t quite get this one, but women love artsy cats. We can blame Love Jones for this one. But if you are talking to a chick and start alluding to how much you love jazz and art and how much music moves your soul, chances are you can see her naked. And hell, don’t actually KNOW what you’re talking about. You see, women like to believe in deep connections and passion. If you have passion and its palpable, well, you just might be able to get into a chick’s deep connection.

4. Basically stand out by being a little quirky. You’d think this would be a detriment, but the more memorable you are, the better chances you have of a chick catching some kind of instant attraction to you. Truthfully, there’s nothing more attractive to a chick than a dude who seems like he doesn’t give a shit what anybody thinks but will be sensitive to her needs. If you can show her this in the first meeting, you’ll see her naked before Shawty Lo can spell onomatopoeia.

And yes I spelled that right. Go ahead, you can look it up.

5. Don’t pay her any real attention but keep her attention. This is similar to standing out, but in this scenario, you’re actually playing her to the left but making sure she still knows you’re there. This is some shit an artsy, quirky, cat would do and he’d stand out. If you make other people laugh, she’ll bite hook, line, and sinker. And then she’s as good as got. Call her a fish, jack, cuz she’s caught up like Usher in the Pacific Ocean.

Of course, these are but a few general ways to charm a chick. Essentially, the key to charming a woman is to keep her attention. If you can keep her attention, she’ll somehow think that perhaps you will hold her attention for life, because women are optimistic and believers. And smilers.

Folks of VSB.com, what are some other ways to charm the sex socks out of a woman? Open up and give.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST

Courtesy of Ms Patterson – “some dude took me to see rosewood on a date when it first came out and i cried for like 10 minutes while the credits rolled. it really killed the date vibe…as a matter of fact the whole movie killed the date vibe. that was the equivalent of taking someone on a date to see Schlinder’s List…bad move.”

Intellectual Hedonist – “perhaps a friday future blog? movies not to take a date to/or movies that kill the mood”

Well hot damn, it’s like a Friday post was just gift wrapped and handed down from the Friday post Gods.

Except it’s Thursday. But we’ll pretend its Friday since we know that none of you all will actually be at work on Friday. And if by chance you MUST work on Friday, well may God have mercy on your employer’s soul.

So tonight I went to see Hancock. What a great movie. It was entertaining and comedic and romantic and had a good storyline. That my friends, is a perfect movie date. It leaves lots of room for hand holding and innocently guilty touching and fun conversation that spins off the movie.

Basically, Hancock is the kind of movie that keeps the mood light and fluffy and is the perfect set up for some light and fluffy. Heh heh heh.

Rosewood? Not so much. I don’t know about you, but when I saw it, I was mad at white people for at LEAST 15 minutes. Nevermind I saw it with my white family. Needless to say, there were some very tense moments once the movie ended. Luckily they’re my family and we just drank the night away and all was well in our interracial world.

Rosewood is a total blower and kills the mood you’re trying to set when you go out on a date. The whole purpose of dates is to progress the possibility of seeing somebody naked. In order to do this, you generally need smiles and giggles. And if you throw in a smiley face on a napkin, well you’re in there. Because as we all know:

Bitches love the smiley face.

Now it’s entirely possible that going to see a documentary about blood diamonds where 90 percent of the interviewees don’t have arms will get somebody in the mood. Just wouldn’t be anybody I’d ever want to date. However, for most people, light and fluffy = thumbs up.

Depressing, uber-reflective, and tragic = no drawz that night.

So good people of VSB.com, what are some movies that might kill the mood on a date? And because I’m feeling benevolent, what are some movies that will work every time if you’re trying to set a naked positive tone on a date? And for the hell of it, we’ll assume that this could be a date you bring home since The Money Pit is no longer playing in theaters.

Sharing is caring people. Sharing is caring.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST

One of the main premises that’s arisen out of the myriad discussions that have occurred here at VSB.com is this:

Men and women just plain out view things differently.

I’ve long contended that the major reason that men and women butt heads so much is that men and women refuse to acknowledge the fact that we’ll never truly understand why we each do the things we do. Women think men are complex and men think that men are simple.

Men think that women are irrationally emotional and women think that women are only responding to the energy that men bring forth. It’s a tangled web we weave.

It’s like we eat because we’re fat. But we’re fat because we can’t stop eating. It’s a vicious cycle.

One interesting place where these differences arise that I, as a man, can’t really comprehend why the difference occurs is here:

When dating, men look for ass first and end up finding meaning with a woman. Women on the other hand look for meaning from the beginning and get surprised when men tend to be the very jackass that their daddy (if he was even there) told them to avoid. What this basically means is that women are always hoping for the best and probably hopeless romantics. But the problem with always hoping for the best is that there’s another half to that equation, and the two equal up to life. The second half is to prepare for the worst.

So when many women seem to be enthusiastically miffed the f*ck up by a man who only wants to see her naked, I’m genuinely surprised. Especially since every single woman I know believes that men just want to see them in their skivvies anyway. Yet somehow, even the most practical and pragmatic women is honestly shocked, dismayed, and disappointed when a cat she had high hopes for shows his ass as the South Street Slut Sleeper.

Now of course, I tend to believe that at their core, women are better people than men. Women operate on feelings and warm and fuzzy places. And men, well, we like warm and fuzzy places. Attached to legs. It isn’t that men aren’t good people, it’s just we’re more animally instinctual. We like to pounce on things and women make such fun things to pounce on. Grr.

Now there’s probably a good reason for the difference in women’s attitudes towards dating et al. Women are socialized to be more passive and to basically not be whores – which is good. Being a whore seems like it’d totally suck.

Um, no pun intended.

But the thing is that I think we men have it right when it comes to choosing our mates. We get all the whorishness out of our system and then decide its time to settle down and get us a wife and make a family. Most women just look for the first thing smoking instead of giving themselves the opportunity to fully explore themselves and let their soul glow.

They don’t let it shine through.

I understand why women seek out a husband first and then start dating, but I don’t really get it. Mostly because I know good and doggone well that as a man, it seems like there’s just too much to do before you get married.

But maybe it’s not for me to really understand anyway. Maybe that’s the beauty that is women. All full of hopes and dreams and belief in men allowing for the continuation of the species.

Good thing I’m a man then…since you’re hopes and dreams ensure that a brotha’s gonna get a chance to work it out.

And isn’t that what it’s really all about anyway?

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST

I’m not sure if you know this or not, but we here at VSB.com are here to help - like Jesse and Al, except way more focused and with better hair. Oh yeah, and minus the whole making a mockery of Blackness since 1968 thing.

With that in mind, I know a lot of women who’ve gone through painstaking processes just trying to figure out if a man was interested in them. In fact, let’s take it a step further…I often get asked by my goodbreasted companions about what they should do when they’re in those initial stages of mental bliss. You know, the stage after you meet but before you play put the lime in the coconut and twist it all around.

So today, I’m going to provide a little 5 step manual for what you womenses should do in the mean time between time while you’re flipping the fuck out waiting for us to show you that we actually do like you. Mind you, I’m aware that men play mental gymnastics as well. But so do squirrels. And that has nothing to do with the price of condoms in Amsterdam. Today’s it all about helping the ladies out.

And with that said:

VERY SMART BROTHAS PRESENTS: 5 THINGS YOU SHOULD DO WHILE WAITING FOR HIM TO SHOW AND PROVE

1. Calm the f*ck down. You solve nothing by going apesh*t and overanalyzing every single email and/or text he sends you. And trust me, all men know that b*tches love the smiley face. It’s why Forrest Gump created them.

2. Don’t call him all the time. For one, he won’t answer. For B, you’re putting all of yours cards on the table by letting him know how pressed you are. The same way that we like to imagine what’s in your jeans is the same way we like to think about the chick we just met who might be the 3rd to last chick we ever see naked. The only thing that should be open 24/7 is 7-Eleven.

3. So…get a little ghost on occasion. Don’t be so available. Make the dude feel like he’s working for something. You best believe that if my job one day decided that I would just be working for the love and no paycheck, I’d be dipping THE f*ck out. Mind you, you should be in relationships for the love but that wouldn’t make my analogy work so f*ck it.

On a side note, though I don’t think anything is wrong with having some good ole fashion lovin’ while you’re trying to figure out where you stand, if you give up the goods early and often and he never calls you again, consider yourself lucky. He was just going to break up with you later anyway for a chick who held out.

4. Don’t accidentally be where you know he’s going to be. Just because he tells you where he’s going doesn’t mean he wants you to show up there. In fact, unless he says, “You should come here…” keep your happy ass 100 feet away at all times unless your presence is specifically requested. I knew a chick who somehow liked to pop up where I was going to be. I almost shot her once on accident though. She popped up at my home and was hanging outside my window just in case I wanted to see her. By the way, I lived on the 22nd floor.

By the way, I’m lying.

5. Perhaps you should continue dating. Just because you two met and hit it off doesn’t mean that he’s ready to bet the farm on you. In fact, most of us don’t even have a farm to bet so why in Sam Hill would we be ready to close up shop when we don’t even own one? Think about that. It’s deep. Don’t get so caught up in that one dude that you forget that YOU’RE NOT DATING.

Also…check out the price of tea in China.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST

It’s Friday.

One of my favorite movies of all time is Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Everybody’s had a person in their life that they wish could have be erased from memory. This movie depicted this concept and theory flawlessly to me.

Not to mention, you get Kirsten Dunst in her undies for a good segment of the movie. Not that I find her particularly attractive, but whatever. Skin is skin. Unless said skin belongs to Grace Jones or Angela Lansbury, in which case, you can have it.

Carl Thomas also felt this way and did his best impression of a person who could sing in his first single, “I Wish I Never Met Her”. And despite the fact that Carl Thomas sounds like ass vocally, the sentiments are quite apropos. Been there done that. Wish I never did what I done done. Like Shawty Lo, except spelled “dun dun”.

Thing is, I have maybe one person that I wished I’d never met. Hell, I’m pretty sure I told her at some point. But there was no crying for her Argentina. Truth is, though I wished I’d never met her, in some way, she helped to contribute to the sexxy beast that I am today. So perhaps wishing I never met somebody is a bit extreme.

However…there are definitely SITUATIONS that in retrospect I wish I would have changed. Hell, if I had my current wisdom I wouldn’t have made many of the mistakes I made early on. Like the time I knew my ex had cheated on me but I chose to “not believe it”. If I had the chance to go back, I’d have just dropped her ass that day I figured it out instead of hanging around for more months of insane boredom and inexperienced domegame. Sh*t, I could have had a V8. Because of that chick I ended up passing up a chance to have my way with Beyonce before she met Jay. And that’s not true at all, however it made for a better story than it started out as.

For the hell of it: Butteryfly Effect.

So, good people of VSB.com in the Kingdom of Smartness, what would you do differently? Any blemishes from the past that you’d like to Proactiv away or decisions that probably just weren’t so hot that your current wisdom wouldn’t let happen even if Mel Gibson was directing your life’s story?

-VSB P