***Today, VerySmartBrothas.com would like to introduce “Dear Champ“, a new bi-monthly segment where The Champ posts and answers questions from his Formspring account***

Dear Champ, How do I know if I’m really as attractive as people say I am?

as we proved with “the test” (and the results), physical attraction is a completely arbitrary determination. there are very few people (boris kodjoe, stacey dash, elastigirl, etc) who’d get a unanimous attractive consensus, so the rest of us need to interpret a complex algorithm of context, culture, aggregate sexual status of people who’ve said we’re attractive, and aggregate level of intoxication of people who’ve said we’re attractive to figure our own rating. with that said, if strangers consistently go out of their way to compliment your looks, you’re probably at the higher end of the attractive scale.

but, because you’ll probably never get a truly context-less assessment, if still dead-set on receiving a relatively objective opinion (and if you’re extremely thick-skinned), i’d submit a picture to a website like hotornot or okcupid.

Dear Champ, I have been talking to this guy for almost four months. We’re mostly honest with each other and we treat each like bf and gf. Only he says he isn’t ready for a gf. Should i wait on him for a lil bit or step?

i love how you put “we’re mostly honest with each other” in there, like you’ve made a pre-relationship pact with each other that allows for 1 to 3 hours of dishonesty per day. saying you’re “mostly” honest is like saying you’re “almost” pregnant.

anyway, like sister t wrote a few days ago, if you want to be in a relationship, and the guy you’re playing the “kickin it” game with tells you he’s not ready to be in a relationship, listen to him.

Dear Champ, my boyfriend of 1.5 yrs has, in relation to my past partners, a small penis. I’m left unfulfilled most of the time, even after vocalizing my likes and qualms…still blah. Here’s the issue. I love him. What to do? ditch it or work harder??

it’s interesting how this letter is worded. she doesn’t exactly say that her boyfriend has a small penis, just that he hasn’t been able to follow the footsteps of her mandingo exes. there’s a reason why “thou shall not try to directly follow the footer” is one of the 8 unspoken sexual commandments.

stumped for an answer, i asked my good friend, uber-popular video blogger lydia cotton, to weigh in.

“If the sex doesn’t have you thinking about what an ex is doing, stay. But, if he is drowning upon entry and is literally getting lost inside, have him kick rocks in traffic. When sex is bad in a relationship it will become at least 80% of that relationship, and all the good he does will start to look like nothing when you have a bad day at work and have to come home to a man who isn’t capable of knocking that bad day from your memory with his non-magic stick”

Dear Champ, I’ve been noticing that my hubby is more likely to initiate sex more when I am half sleep vs when I’m wide awake, willing & waiting. Any thoughts? My libido is way higher than his & I have NEVER EVER turned him down.

so, basically your typical evening looks like this: he’s sitting on the couch watching “hawthorne” reruns, and you come out of the bedroom in your sexiest lingerie and give him a lapdance. he barely notices, and he gets up halfway through your routine to go make a cheese sandwich. sad and horny, you go to bed. three hours later, you feel him rubbing ky in between your legs, and he sneak attacks you from behind.

seriously though, although low-libidoed men do exist, i think there might be a deeper issue here. have you spoken to him about sex? i bet you haven’t, and i also bet the bedroom isn’t the only place you’re having communication issues. you two need to talk as soon as possible.

Dear Champ, Why do men yell at me in the street like “Hey sexy!” or try to hit on me when I’m just waiting for a damn bus? Even after they see my wedding rings?! Does it ever work? Have any VSBs done it? Have any VSSs responded positively?

(some) men do this for the same reason we do anything else: it doesn’t take much effort, and it (occasionally) works. like it or not, these types of approaches actually do work with some women (i’ve seen it with my own eyes), and a man doesn’t know if you’ll be that woman unless he tries.

also, you probably won’t believe this, but the vast majority of men who do this on a regular basis do it out of habit. it’s a sort of a neanderthal reflex action. they know you’re not going to respond to them. in fact, they’d probably sh*t their pants if you actually turned around and approached them. it’s like the guy at the basketball game who screams “kobe, you’re a bitch”, even though they know if kobe actually turned around and came into the stands after them, they’d scream like neve campbell.

Dear Champ, What does a shy girl have to do to get the guy? My long-time friends know me as an outgoing, funny person but I have a hard time opening up to people I just met. I also don’t like crowds or traveling in “groups” so I don’t get out much. Any suggestions?

first, you have to get out. unless you’re interested in UPS men and stalkers, you’re not going to meet any men while you’re sitting on your couch. you’d put up a yard sign and an ad if you were trying to sell your house, right?

once you leave the house, i’d suggest you and ONE (yes, just one) of your girlfriends attend a few happy hours, mixers, gallery crawls, and other events where you have an opportunity to meet new people without getting too far out of your element. but, when you attend these events, you can’t sit around the entire time whispering in your friends ear. mingle and mix with the crowd. guys like to approach women who look like they’re having a good time, so have a good time.

lastly, i’d create a dating profile at match.com or one of the hundreds of thousands of dating sites out there. this way, you can actually meet men while sitting on your couch. but, i’d make sure they had current FBI clearances before inviting them over.

Dear Champ, Is smoking a deal breaker for most guys? I hate that I have to try and hide it everytime I meet someone new.

definite red flag? yes. definite deal-breaker? probably not…if he thinks you’re hot. my advice? quit

Dear Champ, Greetings and Salutations! How does a VSS break it to a VSB that she has a weave? I’m not on some Chris Rock ish and I hope you aren’t either. Sphincter. But, how does one introduce that truth (especially when one’s weave isn’t obvious)?

i have an absolutely crazy idea that just might be crazy enough to actually work. the next time you see him, tell him that you have a weave.

Dear Champ, What does it really mean when a guy says “you’re out of my league.” I often hear that from men, but I’m starting to feel like maybe guys just don’t want to do the work of approaching me or seducing me.

if a guy is speaking to you, he probably doesn’ t feel like he’s out of your league. the men who truly feel that way won’t bother to say anything to you.

whats happening here is game, pure and simple. he’s being intentionally self-depreciating just to try to convince you to say “hey, you’re not out of my league at all. in fact, to prove how true this statement is, here’s my phone number. btw, i’m not wearing any panties”

*you can contact dear champ at formspring.me/AskChamp and contact@verysmartbrothas.com*

—the champ

Related posts:

1. Dear Champ (Vol 2): How do men really feel about women and their hair?
2. raw: the champ’s debunking of six commonly held relationship fallacies
3. champ’s creed

i felt myself overcome with a sudden sense of relief and contentment yesterday afternoon while reading two articles (“crying after sex, really” and “what brings you to the big o?“) and the accompanying comments

you see, as a grown man, i felt that i should be a expert by now on the female orgasm. i mean, (i think that) i’ve seen them and (hope that) i’ve been an active part in inducing them, but if i were coaching a sex team and was asked by my players to diagram a female orgasm play for an easy and sure touchdown, i’d be more befuddled than eric mangini.

but, articles such as those have taught me that i’m not alone: nobody really knows sh*t about the female orgasm, women included.

sure, many people much more intelligent than i have their theories and ideas, but there isn’t a person on the planet that can give you factual and universal information about how they occur, what can possibly happen when they do, and, from an evolutionary perspective, why they even happen

anyway, while thanking my friends at the frisky for my newfound sense of coitus-related comfort, i thought of a few other things about sex i’ve learned since becoming an adult.

here’s 11 more

2. libido compatibility f*cking matters

while there’s a lid for every pot, some pots require a bit more time on the stove than others. even the happiest and strongest coupling will eventually shift to sh*t if one party is cool with once every another week (or month) or so and the other needs it at least once a day. eventually one of them will have to “compromise” a bit more than the other, and, depending on who does the compromising, this always results in either the low-libidoed person feeling used for sex and eventually hating it, or the high-libidoed one feeling unwanted and eventually resenting their mate

3. “performance” p*rn sex (stupid acrobatics, stupidly awkward positions, sex in stupidly random places, etc) is usually pointless, awkward, and painful if performed by non-professionals.

quick story: my sophomore year of college, a few teammates and i were so consumed with hotel jacuzzi sex that we had an on-going bet with each other about who would do it first. although i lost, i eventually did the deed a couple years later, and spent the entire time underwhelmed by the feeling, annoyed with the chick trying not to get her hair too wet, and irritated by the chlorine filled water splashing up my nose and in my eyes.

moral of the story: don’t watch showgirls

4. while some women say that you can usually tell how good a man is in bed by how he dances, a man can definitely tell how good a woman is in bed by her relationship to food

5. dont trust a person who says they never masturbate.

if they’re lying they’re too anal and pedestrian to realize that its not a subject worth lying about. if they’re telling the truth, they’re future murderers

6. a woman can actually f*ck her way into a man’s heart, but she needs to have sex with him at least a couple hundred times to do it

7. the idea of a woman willingly and enthusiastically performing and enjoying fellatio matters more than the actual act.

8. dating while horny is no different than grocery shopping while hungry

in both cases, you’ll just end up spending too much for some sh*t you didn’t even really want.

9. white women aren’t inherently easier than any other group of women, its just that many of them go through their “easy stage” (junior year of high school through junior year of college) at an impressionable time when people care the most about the sex everyone else is having

***since i know you’ll ask, from what i’ve seen the “easy stage” breakdown usually goes like this:

well-adjusted white women: 15-20

well-adjusted black women: either 23-26 or 29-34

well adjusted latinas: 12 to death***

10. pretty much everyone who’s ever said they got accidentally pregnant or contracted an std because a condom broke is f*cking lying

11. sometimes “technical difficulties” might occur.

whether its because of stress, fatigue, alcohol, or the sudanese rap song you can’t get out of your head, sometimes sh*t, ummm, doesnt happen. its nothing to be ashamed of though, and as long as you give your sure to be disappointed girl a convincing good will hunting (“its not your fault, its not your fault”) everything should be cool

12. the more i learn, the more i realize i still don’t really know sh*t

thats it from me. people of vsb.com, what has adulthood taught you about sex?

don’t be scurred to share, we’re all family and sh*t

—the champ

Related posts:

1. 7 things about sex that really kind of suck
2. lost in translation: what men usually hear when women are talking to us
3. all points bulletin