recently, a former f-buddy lazily platonic friend of the champ’s told me that the dude she’s currently dating referred to himself as her boyfriend for the first time. after i had a moment of silence for another former team member taking advantage of their free agency clause, this conversation quickly segued into a full-fledged discussion about the complete and utter weirdness of that word, and the fact that despite the complete and utter weirdness, people continue to use it.

“boyfriend” and “girlfriend” are the generic terms most people use to describe an exclusive, non-married significant other, but really, how appropiate is it for a 50 year old divorcee grandmother to refer to the 56 year old plumber she met at a promise-keepers conference in kansas city that’s been laying pipe for the past couple of months as her effing boyfriend? what gives here? why do we continue to use such an inapplicable word with such extreme prejudice? why do i only seemingly care passionately about such inane subjects?

today, at the world famous vsb.com, the champ will discuss the merits and faults of a few of the different terms used for non-married significant others, hopefully eventually finding and agreeing on a term that can eventually replace boyfriend and girlfriend in our general lexicon.

“boyfriend”

–is the common generic term, but the “boy” involved gives it a bit of a juvenile feel. sure “boyfriend” is cool when you’re 14, double dating at dave and busters and fantasizing about a possible extended finger bang in the backseat of a minivan later on, but it just sounds wrong to hear a 35 year old women talking about “boning her boyfriend

***sidenote: unless, of course, said girlfriend is kenya moore, and said boyfriend is the champ, in which case, she could call the champ whatever the hell she pleased***

“girlfriend”

–also a common generic term, but black woman have made it too ambiguous. “girlfriend” could be anything from a man’s mate to a woman’s best friend drunken weekend carpet muncher. we need some unambiguousness. i like that word, unambiguousness. i think “unambiguousness” might even replace “lil champ” as the name for, ummm, “lil champ”.

“mate”

–too vanilla. also, since “mating” is one of the proper ways of saying “f**king” or “boning”, wouldn’t saying “my mate” be the same as saying “my f*ck” or “my bone”? wouldn’t that be a bit presumptious? doesn’t “mate” have a somewhat animalistic connotation? if sarah palin had a kid in the woods, would michelle malkin adopt it?

“manfriend”

–sounds like something my ex fiancee’s mom would say…and she’s 67.

“ladyfriend”

–whenever i hear this term i think about some 45 year old divorced chick named shirley that works at blue cross/blue shield, drives a cavalier with a leopard interior and smokes newports. i actually think that all 45 year old women who still date should just be referred to as “shirleys”

“significant other”

–eh. what if you’re just exclusively dating and sleeping with this cat, but the relationship and the person really aint that significant to you?

“gentleman caller”

–sounds too date-rapey for some reason. whenever i see this i think of a character michael beach would play

the gentleman caller, personified

“partner”

–along with the raindow (a subject that panama wrote about like 8 years ago) gay people ruined this word for everybody else.

“man”

–too possessive. and, even though a 21 year old is technically a man, it sounds terrible to me when any chick younger than 30 refers to the guy she’s seeing as her “man”, to the point that just hearing the hook from nivea’s “dont mess with my man” used to invoke uncontrollable dry heaving

“woman”

–just like “man”, “woman” only works with somebody you’ve had sex with at least 200 times. men that refer to the woman they’re seeing as “my woman” probably are most likely to beat their women or cheat as well. of course, i have absolutely no concrete reason or proof for that determination…its just a hunch.

“my girl”

–this one is actually my favorite. it sounds a bit more intimate than “girlfriend“, and also lets the person know that they’re your n-word as well as the person theyre having monkey sex with. i dont think theres an age cut-off with this one as well. unfortunately…

“my boy”

–doesnt have the same connotation. there is nothing more platonic sounding than a chick refering to a guy she’s seeing as “my boy“. in fact, i have a theory that states that whenever a woman does do that, its a way of hinting that “you know, i’m with him and shit…but if something better came along, i’d drop him quicker than amil”

bf” and “gf”

–great for text, but they both just sound too impersonal. plus, “bf” sounds too close to “bm”, and noone whats to be referred to on a consistent basis with something that sounds a euphemism for sh*tting.

“my lady”

–would work, except for the fact that at least 86 percent of the time, it would be a blatant lie

“wifey”

–the shelf life on using “wifey” in an unironic sense expired in 2001.

“my chick/dude“

—this is a bit too mid-atlantic-ey, which is fine for me, but i like to keep things simple for the southerners. i’m considerate like that.

“my earth/God/goddess/queen/king/power u/spirit/field/galaxy/soulmate/vision”

—shut the f**k up.

ok. i’m stuck. with the exception of “my girl” (which, admittedly, is more lukewarm than t.i.’s verse in “S.L.U.”) none of these terms seem to work. was i wrong? did i forget something? does this sh*t even matter? people of vsb.com, the champ needs his toast your help.

what do you think?

—the champ

a running joke with panama and i is that i’m a diplomat. not in the jimmy carter or freaky zeeky sense, but the guy who always tries to play the mediator, extinguishing proverbial fires whenever needed (if p’s the yin to my yang, i guess this would make him the arsonist. or not. damn. this worked much better in my head. forget i even said it.).

depending on your point of view, this can be described as either “grounded” and “level-headed” or “non-confrontational” and “passive-aggressive”. in theory, relationship-wise, this should be a great quality for someone to possess. who wouldn’t want to be with a person they know probably isn’t going to argue, is basically always optimistic, and will always attempt to find the most practical solution in any situation, right?

well, if you informally polled each woman that i’ve been at least somewhat seriously involved with, they’d probably all say that this (along with the “night whispers”) was easily their least favorite part of me. the same ingredient in my blood that allows me to be “diplomatic” can be a serious relationship irritant

i’m the guy who seriously might just fall asleep while my girl is having a “passionate” and “intense” discussion with me in bed.

i’m the guy who strongly feels that if someone is able to make me show emotion, i’ve lost  (admittedly though, i have no idea what would represent “winning” in this case).

i’m the guy who’s heard some variant of “you know, i had no idea you we’re even attracted to me, at least until after we had sex on your parents porch” at least 10 different times.

i’m the guy who’s broken up seemingly out of nowhere with at least two different people after getting finally fed up with issues that i could have very easily nipped in the bud, but instead chose to stick my head in the proverbial sand and ignore em, thinking they would go away.

this is a part of me that i’m consciously trying to work on, the biggest personal quality that i currently take off the table

so, grown and slutty sexy people of vsb.com, on your relationship resumes, which attributes would you list in the “negatives“,  “work in progress“, or “damn…i’m f*cking nuts” column? don’t be shy or scurred. we’re all family here and sh*t

—the champ

we wont go as far as to say that every guy has had this feeling at least once, but, ummmm, every guy has had this feeling at least once.

(btw, you can never go wrong with british comedy.)

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—vsb