**Admin. Note: Vote ye. **

What do crack, bass jumping, and Dirty Sanchez’s have in common?

They’re all things that friends don’t let friends do.

Now of course, we’ve beaten dead the concept of male and female “platonic” friends (or lack thereof), but let’s assume for a second that it’s possible. There are definitely some behaviors that two friends should not engage in if they’re trying their best to uphold their friendship (read: attempting to ward off temptation, hormones, and IKEA).

Thing is, the fact that you are just-friends doesn’t mean that there won’t be any flirting or touchy-feely going on. Nope. It just means that both parties will generally make it a point not to let things get too far.

With that mind, let’s discuss a few things that Friends Just Don’t Let Friends Do, While Trying To Remain Just Friends…Even While Watching Friends.

1. friends don’t let friends give eachother backrubs.

If you’re trying to give your friend a backrub, you’re trying to see eachother naked. Point blank. Period. Rubbing of any sort is sensual. Why do you think the genie shows up AFTER you rub his lamp? Because he’s all up and excited. You can’t just knock on the lamp. He won’t answer. But rubbing? Oh yeah, he’s coming.
Pun.

2. friends don’t let friends kiss on the lips.

Short of being gay, there’s generally not a good reason to be kissing your just-friends on the lips at all. Then again, if there was any sort of tension in the air or awkwardness due to desire, you wouldn’t do it anyway since we all know when we’re in the question phase, we over analyze our every step anyway. But just to be on the safe side, if you do decide to kiss your friend and you start tasting Kool-Aid you know you didn’t drink…don’t say I didn’t warn you. And you can’t really be mad…you kissed eachother. It’s yo’ fault.

3. friends don’t let friends sleep with eachother.

We can add, or touch people in their special places to that as well.

Fellas…if you EVER meet a woman who tells you she can have sex with you with no strings attached…throw something at her and run like hell. She’s lying. No matter how much she tries to convince you she can, she’s a liar.

Just don’tt sleep with your friends. It just doesn’t make sense. Sure, we all have our moments of weakness, but you have them with folks you’ve thought about in vertical terms. If you go to thinking about your friends in vertical terms, it seems counterintuitive to think that they’re actual platonic friends. So stop it.

4. friends don’t let friends hold each other while sleeping.

Now this one gets tricky. I believe that a man and a woman can sleep in a bed together and not touch each other and it be all good. Hell, I’ve done it. It’s easier than it sounds. But if one person goes all cuddling up to the other one in the middle of the night and wants to be held, I’m raising a red flag. Holding is a prime way for feelings to develop. And you wouldn’t just snuggle up to anybody, now would you? Nope, somebody you truly trust and care about…and if you truly trust and care about them and are all arm locked and wake up and looking into each other’s eyes and smiling, you may end up going to the zoo. Zoo is a where love happens.

Besides, cuddling leads to relations. See #3.

5. friends don’t let friends hate on other love interests and relationships.

We’ve all seen it happen. Some dynamic duo of platonicity hangs tough and swears that there’s nothing going on until one of them meets somebody else. All of a sudden they can’t stop talking about how kcufed up it is that things are going the way they are…then somebody throws around the, “they should have known I liked them, even though we never talked about it…” If you got beef, then clearly you need to re-evaluate their place in your life.

So good friends of VSB.com, what are some other things friends just shouldn’t do under any circumstances?

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST

five reasons why truly platonic friendships can never exist.

1. Unless online or in college (two paradoxical universes where the usual rules and regulations of social discourse are thrown out of the window, like mop water and caustic midgets) men and women don’t actively seek friends of the opposite sex.

2. If given the opportunity, most men who aren’t in a committed and monogamous romantic relationship will sleep with pretty much any reasonably attractive woman. Yes, any. We may not actively want to, but, in the right situation, we happily would. That pesky “would” kind of has a way of always completely contradicting the whole platonic thing.

“Well, what if the guy harbors absolutely no physical attraction at all towards the woman, and vice versa? A platonic friendship can occur then, right” I hear you asking, which leads us to…

3. No unattached man is going to willingly spend a good amount of his free time with a like-aged woman he is completely unattracted to. It will never happen, a fact which actually “fits”, especially when you consider that…

4. …A women (notice I didn’t use any qualifiers such as “most women” or “a typical woman”) would get extremely (read: EXTREMELY) frustrated and annoyed if made to interact regularly with a guy who found her completely unattractive. Don’t argue this. It’s science.

“Well…” the same imaginary anonymous questioner from before asks…
“…what if you have a man and a woman who are both already in romantic relationships? Why can’t a platonic friendship occur then?”

Since I’ve already established that we don’t actively seek opposite sex friends while we’re single, the only way two people in separate romantic relationships can become truly platonic friends would be if they happened to first meet each other after they both were already in the relationship, an impossibility due to the fact that…

5. …No man or woman is going to be okay with their significant other making new close friends of the opposite sex.

Note, I didn’t say you couldn’t have close like-aged friends of the opposite sex, but just don’t call that shit platonic. it’s not, and will never be.

Now, you may disagree with some (or all) of what I’ve said, but, to quote my favorite reptilian drug kingpin, Marlo Stanfield …. “You want it to be one way….but it’s the other way”

**the champ finishes his snicker and slowly climbs into a ford excursion driven by a very unkempt panama, who glares ominously at the imaginary anonymous questioner as they drive away**

–the champ