i’ve never met helena andrews, and i most likely never will.

but, after reading “successful, black, and lonely” and watching the corresponding video, i can say that i’ve known, dated, slept with, talked to, discussed, consoled, admonished, sympathized with, and theorized about her my entire adult life.

i also know that her washington post profile will probably spawn a nation-wide discussion about the perpetually single successful black female of the saks fifth serengeti, and that ms andrews and her upcoming memoir (“bitch is the new black”) will be dissected, debated, and dichotomized more times than drake’s appeal.

admittedly, i don’t know exactly why ms. andrews herself is single. her lonely lot could be due to anything from bad choices, bad luck, and bad timing to haughtiness, hopelessness, and halitosis. but, i’ve known enough of her doppelgangers to have a pretty good idea of a few things she might be able to do (or stop doing) to improve her fortune:

1. change

i know suggesting that someone change themselves to better their romantic circumstances isn’t the most politically correct thing to say, but i can’t continue to ignore the pink and green elephant with the “she’s (the helena doppelgangers) probably just not attractive enough to the men she’s most attracted to” sticker on his ass that always seems to show up when having this discussion. mind you, this isn’t suggesting that she’s (or any other helena doppelganger) unattractive or undesirable, just maybe not attractive or desirable enough to the type of guys she fancies.

having stringent standards is fine. you can’t tell another person what they should or shouldn’t be attracted to. but if the sticker on the elephant’s ass is true, you’re left with two options

a) wait and hope that one of those men will lower his standards and take a flyer on you

b) find out what kind of women those men are most attracted to and do your best to mimic them (basically do everything lil kim has done since 1996)

2. realize that our grass isn’t that much greener

a latent underlying theme in the successful but single young black woman discussion is that black men with similar “qualifications” have a much, much easier time navigating the dating and relationship game. since the ratio (and nature) is in our favor, we can apparently pick, choose, and discard indiscriminately while black women are passive subjects to our random whims.

while the numbers definitely do favor us, the only ones able to truly take advantage of this imbalance are those in the top 5 to 10% (who’d get what they wanted regardless of the ratio) or those trying to run through and rack up as many different women as possible. for the rest of us, the process of finding an available, attractive, and compatible mate can be just as baffling, confusing, frustrating, disheartening, and even occasionally depressing.

basically, this sh*t is hard as hell for all of us.

mind you, i’m not bringing this up to have a “your woes aren’t as bad as mine” battle with black women. but, knowing that your issue isn’t quite as unique as you think it is does wonders when trying to keep a positive outlook and limit the blame-gaming.

3. date out

to all the sistas who are deeply ambivalent about stepping out and trying “something old”, its really not that serious. if you’re lucky you’ll be on earth for approximately 80 years, and I’d hate for you to spend a good portion of that time sacrificing your own happiness for some romanticized technicolor racial loyalty.

do. you.

and don’t worry, you can bring him to the barbecue too. we’ll even make him a plate.

4. pay close attention to her

to expound: everybody has at least a couple women in their sphere of influence who are either happily married or seemingly never without multiple desirable suitors. sometimes these women aren’t nearly as attractive on paper as others in their group, but they somehow stay somewhat unaffected by the dating and mating issues plaguing their peers.

instead of clowning them for “losing their identity” and always choosing d*cks over chicks, pay attention to what they’re doing and how the hell they’re consistently able to produce “better” results i mean, if you wanted to be a millionaire you’d probably try to emulate other millionaires, right? how is this any different?

5. remember that you’re not entitled to sh*t

this is an especially hard concept to grasp (for women and men) because we’ve all been schooled that life is by and large an incentive laden meritocracy. if you work hard for four years, you’re (rightly) entitled to degree. if you do your job excessively well, you’re (rightly) entitled to a raise and (maybe) a promotion.

romance, on the other hand, doesn’t work that way. we’re all entitled to and deserving of a modicum of fairness and respect, but no one is entitled to be in a great relationship. its not supposed to happen. if it does? fine. if not, oh well. sh*t happens, and you’re probably not going to be getting any romantic entitlement refund checks in the mail

i know this sounds a bit discouraging, but realizing that you’re not entitled to romantic happiness has a funny way of fighting off the type of faulty (and self-defeating) mindset that could led to you saying something like this…

“He could be my winter boo. I need a boo. My life sucks. When your life sucks, a winter boo with his own apartment would be awesome to have”

…and wondering why you’re having dating difficulty.

6. move

it always amuses me when women move to ultra-competitive, ultra-cutthroat, ultra superficial, and ultra cold-hearted cities and then are shocked when the dating game there is just as ultra-competitive, ultra-cutthroat, ultra-superficial, and ultra cold-hearted. not everyone is built to live in atlanta or new york or l.a. or d.c., and there’s nothing wrong with admitting that to yourself.

the sports guy bill simmons put it best:

“It’s crazy to me how many women have trouble finding a decent boyfriend, yet they’ll stay in the same city for 10 years. If you were fishing in one section of a river every day, and you never caught anything, would you keep returning to the exact same spot, or would you try your luck somewhere else?”

7. learn the difference between wanting to be in a relationship and being in love with the idea of being in a relationship

when talking to helena doppelgangers about their relationship difficulties, you usually get the sense that they want the perks of a serious coupling (a warm bed, a ring, a date to the company christmas party, an answer to the “why aren’t you dating?” question they’re asked every time their mom calls) but aren’t willing to make the sacrifices needed to get there. so, even if they happen to meet their prince idris, they wouldn’t be ready for it at all.

plus, relationship minded men (and women) have a tendency to be attracted and drawn to who’s actually down instead of who’s just looking for a suitable mate so they can finally cross it off of their to-do lists

usually this is where i’d end the entry with some snarky summary or concluding series of questions, but i have to say that reading and writing about helena andrews has produced a bit more ambivalence than i anticipated, and i’m not sure exactly how to wrap this up.

maybe my ambivalence is just me reaching the point of “why successful black women are single” discussion fatigue. maybe she reminds me of too many of my friends to just be cool with offering the type of unaffected didactic advice/criticism/snark i’m used to, or maybe the fact that i didn’t even acknowledge the possibly of a 10,000 pound “she’s single because we (black men) need to step our games up” elephant standing in the room says more than this 1,300 word entry.

who knows?

i do know that if “bitch is the new black“, “bitching about bitchy black women” is definitely the new crack, and i think its time for us to find a way to kick this addiction.

—the champ

Related posts:

1. The VSB Files — Episode 003: Black Woman Down? A Conversation with Helena Andrews
2. five reasons why successful brothas don’t want to put a ring on it
3. no he didnt!: the five worst times to approach a black woman

along with unusual virility,  and a head shaped like the working end of a cruise missile, my parents passed an acute sensitivity to idiocy on to me. as i’ve grown older, these sensitivities have become so concentrated and pronounced that i can now honestly say that i’m seriously allergic to bullsh*t.

this affliction is extremely troublesome, as it causes me to start itching uncontrollably whenever i’m in the presence of or a witness to it. in fact, just last week i almost scratched my entire left forearm off when trying to listen to “ghetto techno” all the way through

anyway, because writing about bullsh*t can be very therapeutic and cathartic for me, i’ve decided to name a few more people, places, and things that have been making me itch.

black men who sound like white men trying to sound black (aka “the stu scott” or “the kappa”)

yo, champ. this blog is slammin'. word up.

the phrase “grown and sexy”

a term which is now just a three word euphemism for “drug dealers who launder their money through rim shops and the social services chicks and teachers who want to sleep with them”

grown women rocking pocket-less jeans

has officially replaced clear heels as the standard universal, “she’s probably a ho. nttawwt” uniform

soft chicken wings

there’s nothing more itch-inducing than ordering a dozen cajun chicken wings, but getting a dozen pieces of slippery meat with skin that looks like it came from the bedridden pedophile in seven.

coffee shops that don’t offer free wi-fi

every time i enter one i’m tempted to call up the manager and ask “they still make you?” like i’m chris rock

the “i can make your p*ssy whistle” line in drake’s, “best i ever had”

while i admittedly don’t mind drake as much as my vsb partner does, since when is a whistling p*ssy what’s torrid on the thoroughfare?

seriously, am i missing something here? what woman wants a stepin fetchit-ass p*ssy, and what guy would brag about giving a woman something that sounds like the premise from an episode of “tales of the crypt”?

the fact that i have great mobile internet service everywhere except my own f*cking apartment

i don’t know whats more itch worthy, the fact that i live in the only 900 square foot part of “the most connected community in pittsburgh” without good service, or the fact that i live in a 900 square foot apartment

not being able to grow a beard like black thought

***simultaneously filed under “some bullsh*t” and “things champ has said that are at least 84 percent gay”***

that’s enough therapy for me. people of vsb.com, what bullsh*t is making you itch right now?

—the champ

Related posts:

1. ole’ faithful: the people, places, and things that never disappoint us
2. lending a hand: the people, places, and things that helped us make it through puberty
3. Keep The Receipt: 5 Terrible Gift Ideas For This Holiday Season

The most difficult position to be in for any artist is for everybody to be paying attention to what you’re doing.  In the hip-hop/R&B/Black music community, right now, Drake is that dude.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I do not understand dude’s buzz.  He’s a good rapper/singer combo guard, but I’m just not wowed.  However, I have to come to homey’s defense right now since it seems like everybody and their mama is upset at young Drizzy for his video for “Best I Ever Had”.

(Video is most not-safe-for-work-safe-for-work video ever.)

I love this video, despite itself.

Huh?

Glad you asked.

In this Kanye West directed video there is basically no point.  In fact, the video doesn’t seem to have much in the way of a story or concept (though Drake did his BEST to give a bogus concept explanation to Complex magazine).  It seems the video’s main purpose was to show boobs-a-floppin’.

Glory day.

As soon as I saw the video I knew the sh*tstorm was coming.  Let’s run down the “problems” with the video, shall we?

- all the chicks are lightskint

- all the chick’s boobs are on display, pretty much throughout the video

- lots of gratuitous stretching, Rosa Acosta style shots

- no real point to the video, period

• eden lake online

– lots of chexual innuendo (“take the D”)

- like most Kanye West videos, the video doesn’t relate to the song whatsoever

That’s a lot of fodder for discussion, but none of that is a good reason for it to be catching flack – hell it’s the general outline for most of today’s videos.  The reason he’s catching flack is this:  it’s the video for “Best I Ever Had”, the song that makes most women love the Young Angel.  With this one song, women everywhere who pretty much don’t care for most of today’s rap found the one man who acknowledged the ladies and put them on a pedestal even if in other songs he referencing women as ho*s.

That, and that alone is his biggest problem.  Women have expectations for Drake.  A while back I posited 10 reasons why women love Drake, and though I didn’t mention it, this song is largely the reason.  Women decided that Drake was the respectful savior to today’s generally exploitation heavy hip-hop while forgetting one simple fact.

Drake is still a man.

(I actually think the video is semi-genius; make the music for the ladies but make the videos for the men.  Great Gatsby!)

Once the video aired, many women were up in arms (I’ve stayed reading message boards about this because the response befuddles me, from women AND men).  How could Drake make such an “ignorantly, exploitative video”?  How come there are so many boobs?  How come all the boob-ers are light skinned?

Aside: I’ve often wondered if Black women would feel better if the exploitation was more diverse?  A lot of the arguments about videos is that all the women are light, ethnically ambiguous to white looking women.  If they were all darkskint, would that be better?  Is exploitation more palatable as long as everybody gets their shot to be exploited?  Methinks not.  Then again, I didn’t think Jodeci would end up on crack.

From an artistic standpoint, the video adds absolutely nothing to the song.  In fact, the video just comes across as some sh*t they basically decided to do on a random Wednesday, and because they could, they called everybody they knew and just started rolling film with a bunch of litebrite models.  No harm, no foul really. And if it was anybody but Drake, this video would probably be written off as just another video that does nothing more than exist.  Kind of like a Plies video.

But this is Drake, hip-hop’s wunderkid.  He’s making music women can enjoy and appreciate without feeling like they’re betraying the gender.  He’s not supposed to be like every other rapper out there.  He’s wheelchair Jimmy for goodness’ sake.

Great expectations.

Poor guy, really.  First he gives a sh*tty performance on the national stage on BET, now he’s giving the boob treatment to his “respectful” chick song.

Oh well.  Score one more for mankind.  I personally don’t see the big deal.  Rather, I wonder what people were expecting?  Aside from this one song, most of his other songs fit right in with the “regular rapper mold”.  Plus he runs with Lil Wayne and Kanye – proprietor of the “Throw Some D’s” remix aimed at D-cups, not Daytons.

Perhaps, I’m being shortsighted.

download code name the cleaner online What say you?

Is the video backlash warranted?

day x dvd

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL, HE A 3

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And you know what they say: B*tches love the smiley face.

(If you’re unfamiliar with that particular line from Boondocks and think that Panama is just haphazardly calling women b*tches, well, go kill yourself. Thanks. – VSB Management)

When Drake tells us on “Best I Ever Had” that his buzz is so big he could probably sell a blank disc, well, he’s not lying. I’ve constantly stated that I don’t understand dude’s buzz – and I don’t – but I can’t deny that it exists. Dude’s got more buzz than Lil Kim at a wet bar.

With two Bullets.

Now, I’ll admit that Drake has talent. He’s a more than able wordsmith with clever-enough punchlines. But is that enough to really build a buzz this huge? Not really, especially when you consider how many WOMEN are loving this cat. Not to be to much of jackarse (and much props to the women on VSB who are hip-hop heads), but women don’t usually break most hip-hop artists. At least they don’t create their buzz, anyway. Women may well be indicative of how well they’ll do in the marketplace, but Drake doesn’t even have a tangible product out yet. All of his material is on the net. Even his much lauded mixtape, “So Far Gone” (download link) is a web-only product. Slap me silly and call me Susan, but I don’t think there’s a huge amount of women on Datpiff.com.

I could be wrong.

And he’s from Canada. Home of the floppy heads and beady little eyes.

And yet, b*tches people love Drake.

So this got me to thinking, what exactly is it about Drake that has the internets AND the women going nuts?

10 Reasons Why B*tches Women (and other people) Love The Smiley Face Drake

1. He’s lightskint. Let’s be real, women have been waiting since Al B. Sure Ginuwine for another musically talented lightbrite to come onto the scene and Drake fits the description. And this one doesn’t look like he’ll beat the brakes off of anybody. Women tend to only want darkskint men to beat them. Light dudes are great for hair tips.

2. He makes nice music for women. Even his ignoranter songs (i.e. “Every Girl”) are really deferential to women in a respectful way. His mixtape mostly sounds like R&B with sing-rapping (i.e. Lykke Li covers, etc), tailor-made for women. Sure he’s acting all cocky and talking about taking women home, but he also seems like he’ll take you home…to cook for you. What a nice chap.

3. He’s a singin’ a** rapper. The difference between him and Kanye is that Drake can actually hold a note, on his own, without Autotune, and women love guys that can serenade them, even if he’s singing, “you’re the f*cking best, you’re the f*cking best…” I’ve always thought that singing curse words was hot. Apparently women think so too.

So basically, 2+3 =

4. He sing-raps about women, a lot. Like on almost every song. The key to getting women interested in your music is to constantly make songs about women. Drake does this a lot. Quit the cocky little f*ck, actually, though even when he’s talking about h*es on “Successful” it sounds more like he means “big hug” than, ya know, h*es.

5. Though cocky, he comes off as a complete herb when he’s not on the mic. Because of this, women think he’s sincere and genuine and will probably sleep with him and will wear t-shirts that say “Drake’s Boo” on them, before he even has an album out. Motherf*cking amazing.

6. He’s romantically linked with all kinds of hot women. The more women you’re allegedly schlumping, the more women you can schlump. That’s like the 8th law of physics or something. Word to that Nig Newton. Thus far, he’s got Rihanna AND Bria Myles. Match: Drake.

7. He speaks really damn well. Got to give him props here. The boy speaks like he reads books – for leisure. Most rappers sound like idiots savants. Women love a man who can talk that smart sh*t.

8. He can actually rap. As much as I don’t care for him, dude can put together some words. Though in all honestly, he sounds like Kanye without as much personality. Strange, most women don’t like Kanye that much unless they’re not cute or bald.

9. He’s humble. Ah yes, he doesn’t come off like he’s better than everybody else and avoids drama at nearly all costs. Then again, I’d hate to get into a fight around him. He looks like he’d run away and get shot and end up in a wheelchair. Oh, wait, that’s his TV character.

10. He also calls himself Young Angel. Every body has to have a Young pseudonym. Women like Young Angel because it sounds corny enough to be some sh*t a woman would give him. Trust me, grown men don’t refer to themselves as Young Angel unless they’re Mexican and from LA. But women love cornball sh*t like that so it works.

That, in a nutshell, is Drake.

And because of it, he’s so far gone.

Tell me people, why do you think b*tches women people love Drake??

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka YOUR FRIENDLY NEIGHBORHOOD 3

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