You know how normal people go out on a gazillion first and second dates and stuff to get to know people?  Well, that was never really me.  I was never dating a gazillion people.  I usually find one I like and stick to ‘em.

But I have been on my fair share of dates.  Hell, now that I think about it, I’ve been on dates where I didn’t even REALIZE I was on a date.  I remember this one particular philly.  She was a friend of a friend who was moving to DC so I offered to show her around.  Apparently you can’t offer to show people around a city without being interested.

Anywho, we go to get something to eat one day and out of nowhere she hits me with: “so where is this going?”

Me:  Um, well that bus right there goes right down by the monuments.

Her:  No, us.  What are we doing?

Me:  Us?  We’re eating dinner.  For the first time ever.  So what could you possibly be asking me?

Her:  I’m saying, are we dating or what?

Me:  I just met you.  2 hours ago.

Let’s just say her arse got nexted real quick.  Being the nice fella that I am though, I took her home that night instead of making her catch the bus like I wanted to do.  Fact is, my situation isn’t special.  There are lot of people out there who end up going out on dates with people that end up being as interesting as a Beyonce interview.  And for those that haven’t seen a Beyonce interview, that isn’t a good thing.  In fact, its quite drole and boring.

I do love her though.

So let’s say you are on a first date and realize you don’t want a second one.

Well, CNN.com has …

STOP.

I’m watching MTVJams right now and Plies video for “I Am Da Club” or something is on.  This is a terrible, terrible song.  And video.  Plies needs Jesus. This video is the a*s of videos.  I do not like John Legend either.

Anyway, CNN has come up with their own list for how not to get a second date.  It’s pretty good.  Hell, some of them remind me of things I wish I could do.  To wit:

• Inappropriate disclosure of the personal kind. You know how you’ve always really admired the curve of your brother’s bum in his too-tight pair of Wranglers? Share that little tidbit and see what happens.

• Inappropriate disclosure of the medical kind. You’ve been wondering whether that festering bump on your bikini line is a herpes sore or just an ingrown hair. Make tonight the night you get a second opinion.

• Perplexing Puppetry. All you need is a pen to draw the eyes and mouth and you’ve got yourself a Señor Wences-style hand puppet. Once your date starts getting on your nerves (and on any first date, the chances are 70/30 in favor of that happening), insist that he address his comments to the hand. Bonus points if you can up the annoyance ante with a fake foreign accent. He will think you’re a nutter, and not in a good way.

Pretty good, especially the puppetry thing.  The worst thing about that one is that your date is essentially cornered.  It ain’t like they can really go anywhere.

I have my own short list of ways to guarantee one date only:

Make everythign rhyme - I’d want to shoot you for doing this.  In fact, I think I’d be pissed.  Dammit, that wasn’t supposed to rhyme.  I just can’t stop myself, it should be a crime.  F*CK.

Sneeze a lot - Follow me with this one.  One of my boys broke up with a chick because she blew her nose too much.  Just imagine being on a date with somebody who sneezed every 2 seconds.  I’d never call them again.  I’d think they were allergic to me.

Jab them in the neck - Pretty much guarantees that they’ll never ever want to see you again.

That’s just my short list.  What say you ?  Any of you all gotten out of dealing with somebody for a second date by doing something outlandish?  What are some other ways to secure a one-date-only diet?

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST

***paraphrased version of a question raised by a friend of the champ’s last week***

With the most important election of our lifetime coming up, its getting harder and harder for me to separate peoples political selves from their actual selves. I was able to compartmentalize before, but I’m so aggressively pro-Obama now that I can’t see myself even considering the idea of dating someone who wasn’t. Is this a bad that I feel this way?

–friend of the champ

you know what, i’m not even going to touch this one (yet). somewhat intelligent people of vsb.com, how would you answer her question. in regards to dating prospects and relationships, how important is politics to you?

—the champ

**Admin. Note: Vote. To the left, to the left. Thanks. **

People say that what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. And I wholeheartedly agree with that statement.

I’ve been to Vegas.

Well, I also think that same logic applies to jail. What happens in jail stays in jail unless you were shanked by somebody, in which case the statute of limitations on returning the favor is pretty much unlimited.

However, given the circumstances of those men who are placed in jail for extremely long sentences, a question becomes evident to me:

Is it acceptable for a man to be gay in jail?

Umm…not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Think about this: people need personal interaction to live in this world. I don’t care how much of a loner you are; we all need some skin-on-skin action in our lives. That’s what prostitutes are for, to provide a service when you can’t get any skin-on-skin action from anywhere else. Much like video h*es, prostitutes don’t get enough credit for the service they provide to humanity.

Why would this change in jail? Especially when you have to spend years in a place where the only female might be a prison guard who is only sleeping with the death row inmates.

[***DISCLAIMER: Before we go any further, let me clear few things up. I'm not gay, nor do I live a gay lifestyle...not that there's anything wrong with living a gay lifestyle. I'm not even a metro-sexual. In fact, I'm still confused as to what a metro-sexual means since my take means almost gay, just doesn't know it yet. Once again, not that there's anything wrong with that. I have no problem with gay people, gay marriage, pink, flamingos, or John Legend. Nor do I plan on going to jail. I just think it’s an interesting topic. ***]

Of course, the other side of the game is this — what happens when he gets out? Would it be okay if he was gay in jail for, say, 7 years, and then wasn’t gay when he got out? Now, this is in direct conflict with the notion that people are born gay. Then again, jail is in direct conflict with the notion of a mixed genitalia world.

And what with EVERY woman thinking that EVERY man is either gay, gay-curious, or just DL anyway, the thought that its acceptable to say a black man can be gay in jail and come home and be un-gay might make me eligible to be incinerated at a Ponderosa Steak House — which is similar to being burned at a stake, only not at all.

But back to the point, is it even possible for a man to be gay in jail and actually come back out and live a heterosexual life? From a “desire” standpoint? I have no clue. And maybe that is where the answer lies. But…Donnie McClurkin was gay and he turned his life around.

Hmm…that was a judgmental statement that assumed that being gay means your life isn’t going in the right direction being as we only use the term “turned your life around” when referring to any negativity that you pursued prior. I mean when was the last time you heard somebody say, “wow, that Jim sure turned his life around” in reference to somebody going from being a God-fearing Christian to a Satan worshiping cat-screwer?

So, let me rephrase. Donnie McClurkin became — un-gay.

Do we believe that a gay man can become un-gay and not lust after the pleasures of the manflesh?

Like I said, I don’t know the answer.

However, for sake of argument, and assuming that a man could become ungay after leaving jail, assuming also that he would be eligible for parole at some point during his prison sentence, but not before at least 5 years…

…is it acceptable for a man to be gay in prison?

And to throw fuel on the fire, would you (women out there) date a man if you knew he was “prison gay”?

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST

earlier in the week, vsb.com regular muse (who’s probably riding a pyramid as we speak) forwarded me a link to an, ummm, “unique” marriage contract.

originally posted on thesmokinggun.com, this contract was devised by 33 year old iowan travis frey. titled “contract of wifely expectations“, this document was to be signed and explicitly followed by his wife (who never actually signed sh*t)

(click here for full contract)

sample gems from this insane four page manuscript:

“when we are home and alone as a family, you will be naked within 20 minutes of the kids being in bed, and sleep naked unless instructed otherwise”

“misbehavior is when you complain about what is requested or expected of you, or when you try to negotiate something other than what was requested or expected of you. if this happens you will lose 5 gbd’s (good behavior days) per incident”

“i will select your sleepwear for you, and you will find it under your bed if there is none you will be naked. during your menstrual cycle you can wear a top and panties. the top is to be no longer than to cover your buttchecks”

“you are to pose for 20 pictures per quarter, unless your quota is filled”

“by the end of the first day of each quarter, you are to choose your pet name that you want me to call you by. your choice must meet my approval, and noncompliance will be a 20 gbd loss”

complete and utter insanity notwithstanding, i think we all have some variant of a contract in our heads as we try navigate the murky shark-infested waters of courting, dating, and relationships. maybe we’re not all as crazy as mr. frey, but we all have certain rules and expectations we’d like our potential and current mates to follow.

so, occasionally intelligent and outrageously lascivious people of vsb.com, what rules (if any) would be in your contracts?

oh, and btw…what ever happened to mr. frey?

he was eventually charged with first-degree kidnapping and domestic abuse assault causing injury (as well as child pornography) and convicted of third-degree sex abuse and domestic assault. he’s currently serving 11 years, and sharing a jail cell with beanie segal.

moral of the story: maybe its not a good thing that obama won iowa.

—the champ

the financial dynamics surrounding dating are easily some of the most salient issues for our (with “our” being “21-35 year old edumacated and employed cats“) demographic.

does the man always pay?

does the financial responsibility lie with the person who set the date?

dutch dating, yea or nay?

should a broke adult ever ask anybody out?

these are just a few of the issues that regularly accompany this subject, and in “cheapskate or creative romantic? inexpensive dating can be memorable or dicey“, cristina rouvalis of the pittsburgh post-gazette tackles one of them: the “cheap” date

rouvalis gathers numerous quotes about this subject, and the general consensus seems to be that inexpensive and thoughtfully practical dates are great…occasionally.

Dating expert Nina Atwood said a cheap first date is OK for people who are really young — high school, college students or just out of college — but otherwise a warning sign for women. “A cheap date is OK if it is sprinkled in after nice dates. Otherwise it is a turnoff,” said Ms. Atwood, a traditionalist on men paying and the author of “Temptations of the Single Girl: The Ten Dating Traps You Must Avoid.

But for the cash-starved there are always ways around spending little without appearing cheap, says Stephanie Steiger, 40, who runs a singles group in Butler. She advises male friends who are watching their money to take dates to an opening at an art gallery, where wine and pastries are free.

“You can’t look cheap,” Ms. Steiger said. “You don’t take a girl to McDonald’s. You take her to a gallery crawl, where you look like you are spending money but you really are not. You put a little culture into your life.”

***champs note: we’ve discussed this subject in the comments here ad nauseum, and, along with the whole chivalry factor, i think one of the reasons why it keeps coming up is largely due to our unique financial situations.  this (21-35) age range is usually the only time in most peoples adult lives where their potential income is just as, if not more relevant than their actual income, and this phenomenon definitely helps to shape our dating mindsets***

so, increasingly lascivious fine people of vsb.com, what are your thoughts? do cheap first dates work? should a broke dude (or chick) even bother dating? would a great first date make you reconsider romance with an otherwise mediocre potential mate, or is this question a giant oxymoron?

answer away

–the champ

***excerpt of a convo between the champ and one of his boys sometime last week***

the champs boy:“so, d, i wouldn’t be breaking any man laws if i banged eric’s little sister, right? i mean, sh-t, they don’t even really look that much alike, so theres a possibility they’re not even really true siblings!!!”

a mildly disinterested champ: “nah. go right ahead. eric’s grown, he should be cool with it. but, just in case he decides to whoop your ass, here’s my work number so you can reach me if you need a ride to UPMC shadyside“

so, later on in the week, this convo had me thinking…yeah, we all know that we shouldn’t actively try to sleep with the dead or amy winehouse anything that has its own separate food aisle at walmart, but how beneficial to culture would it be if people had a universally mental list of people too taboo to do?

along with providing the amazingly, stupendously sexy, one of our services here at verysmartbrothas.com is to make it a bit easier for everyone to navigate the unremitting morass of romantic interaction, and the easiest way to make things easier is to just eliminate certain options.

so, unless you plan on actually marrying them, heres a list of people you should probably try to avoid if you want to try to go throughout life without ever getting sued or shot at. these aren’t necessarily bad people…just people you shouldn’t actively try to sleep with if you want to maintain your (and everyone else’s) sanity

A direct superior at work. Your staff working directly underneath you at work. A sibling of a close friend. A close friend of a sibling. A mother, father, aunt, uncle, grandmother, grandfather, son, or daughter of anybody you know well. An ex of a close friend or family member. An unrequited long-time crush of a close friend or family member. A family member, unless you’re near the mason-dixon line or the Everglades. Anyone who has ever worked in your home. Step-cousins. An ex-spouse or ex-fiancée. Anyone willing to have sex with you in their parents or grandparents bed. A current student or teacher of yours. A former student or former teacher, if there’s more than 10 years separating you two. Anyone who’s more than double or less than half your age.

did i miss anyone?

—the champ