soon to be former mayor kilpatrick with mistress christine beatty, the patron saint of light-skinned points

i received this email a couple of weeks ago from ashley “the fireman” johnson (aka “hood bradley“), a friend of vsb.com

IS THERE A FAITHFUL POLITICIAN OUT THERE…ANYWHERE?

If we just go w/ the big scandals…we first heard about JFK and Marilyn, then Bill and Monica, most recently Elliot Spitzer and the Miami pro, now John Edwards.

(Oh, and lets not forget Thomas J. and Sally Hemmings — who started it ALL…)

What is it w/ these fellas and their inability to stay faithful. The power? The prestige? The young, fresh intern-quality @$$ just lying around D.C.?

And what is is about their wives, who be standing right next to ‘em at the “blow up ya’ spot press conference”?

Lastly…Barack. Will he fall victim too, if he assumes the throne? ‘Cause you can imagine that Michelle would box-cutter that playa.

ashley could have very easily substituted “powerful/popular man“ for “politician” in the title, and the theme would have remained the same. as reluctant as i am to admit that any particular gender has the edge in the cheating sweepstakes, history has shown us that men with elevated social status seem to be more likely to sidestep faithfulness and monogamy more than anyone else.

from the theory that the type of competitive and borderline compulsive personalities that high achieving men typically possess usually extends to the way they view the opposite sex to the fact that this same hyper-assertion and aggression is an aphrodisiac for many women, there are myraid possible reasons for this dynamic…but maybe chris rock is right. maybe we’re truly only as faithful as our options.

as much as i love to get on my ivory tower and bray about the fundamental selfishness and weakness exhibited in habitual cheating, maybe every guy (including the champ), regardless of how moral they claim to be, has a “breaking point”, a p**sy point of no return. maybe the only thing separating me from kwame kilpatrick (other than the fact that i would have at least picked a chick who didn’t look like the mulatto version of bea arthur) is that i just haven’t reached mine…yet.

honestly, i’m stumped. people of vsb.com, how would you answer ashley’s questions?

—the champ

So I fully intended to write more specifics about CNN’s Black In America special, but two things happened.

1)    I got off work dumb late so I didn’t get a chance to re-watch the segments I wanted to address; and
2)    I’m kind of over it.

So, perhaps I’ll get back to it.  But today I’m going to answer a question that showed up in my mailbox.  The Champ and I get relationship questions all the time.  For some reason, somebody thinks we spit hot fiyah on occasion.  For shame…anyway, here goes:

Why is it so common for men to cheat or at the least, let their mind and eyes stray while committed to a woman they’ve said they love? – Leslie K. from Dayton

Nothing excites me more than easy questions to answer that seem confusing to women but like so much common sense to men.

What’s been expressed here are the two extremes of male infidelity. On one end you have the minor infraction of the “wandering eye,” and at the other, the should-be nail in the coffin act of ultimate f*ckedupism: cheating on one’s spouse. I’m going to handle those two separately and assume that the middle ground can be filled in with your imagination and perhaps a few shots of Patron.

And no, that didn’t make any sense.

I’ll never understand why women swear to not understand the “wandering eye.” Especially when women are the perpetrator of said crime as often as men. Let’s get one thing clear and out in the open up front: T&A is everywhere and it’s not going anywhere. If you’re in Miami, it’s walking right in front of you in a thong with the words “ENTER HERE” on the little triangle part on the back.

If you’re in Fairbanks, Alaska, it’s wrapped under fourteen pounds of parka and thermal underwear, but it’s there. Oh yeah, it’s there.

As a man, am I supposed to pretend that breasts and thighs disappeared into thin air once we decided to commit to one another? I think not. A man looking at the eye candy roaming the streets is looking strictly because it’s there and it’s probably what we were doing when we saw you. Yes women, at some point, we liked your breasts too. We just happened to get used to yours and as we all know, men like new shiny things – preferably bouncy shiny new things.

The thing is, and this will get to the cheating part, just because a man is looking doesn’t mean he necessarily wants what he’s looking at. Sometimes, we are looking because its there. If I walk through the Times Square Subway stop and see a woman with a fishnet shirt on with nothing on under it, there is no way in Hell I’m turning away. And neither are you. You’re looking too. So let’s just enjoy it together and discuss the merits of fishnets later. Me looking doesn’t mean I love you any less or am any less committed. Chances are, I’m looking at her and then thinking about you. Okay, that’s a lie. But still, I’m with you; trust me to be with you. And tell your friends to cover themselves up because it’s introducing lots of unnecessary conversations into our relationship.

On the flip, it’s common for men to cheat because they’ve probably always been cheaters. There are two types of men out there: men that are given the opportunity to cheat and won’t, and those who are given the opportunity to cheat and will. There is no in between. All men have the option. Since I started writing this I’ve been propositioned twice.

Thing is, a man that’s cheating is one who was going to cheat from the beginning. He believes in commitment in as much as he believes in having somebody to come home to for stability’s sake. He could probably care less about anything else. He also probably does it because he feels he can and will get away with it, and any man who feels that way is probably with a woman who has made him feel like he could. We all worry about getting caught…the first time. After that, it’s just routine. Plus, it’s wholly possible that he is attaching no emotional context to his carnal exploits. And yes, that’s another talk show, but yes I believe its possible. He’s with you because he wants to share his life with somebody. He beds her because he needs a quick nut.

And that is all.

It was written.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST

although the champ staunchly believes that theres absolutely nothing you can do to keep someone from cheating (to quote chuck klosterman, “cheaters cheat because they think being monogamous is unreasonable. there’s no other reason.“), there are a few ways that you can definitely push em closer to the edge. you can’t actually drive someone to cheat, but you can definitely buy the car, carry them to the passenger seat, and put the keys in the ignition.

here are four sure-fire ways to insure that your mate will be sliding on the super slippery cheating slope (***editors note: the champ is obviously a big fan of alliteration***)

1. stop f**king

there’s no lonelier place in the world than a bed where your mate has decided, for whatever reason, to stop having sex with you, and no better, more efficient way to put the cheating key in the ignition. honestly, its actually easier sleeping next to a mate you’ve never slept with, than one who all of a sudden decided to rock their rusty-ass chastity belt to bed. unless you have some type of serious physical impairment, the reasoning behind this never matters. its always stupid, you’re always stupid for doing this, and it’s just plain f*cking stupid. stupid.

i’m on punany punishment cause you’re mad at me? f**k you! f**k me.

you’ve all of a sudden started believing that i’m only with you for the sex? f**k you! f**k me.

you’ve decided out of the blue to become born again and celibate? f**k you! f**k me.

of course, i understand that grown-ass people occasionally have libido-deading responsibilities that realisticially dont allow for spider monkey mummy matrix sex every day of the week. sh*t, i never thought i’d say this, but sometimes during my 17 hour meetings at work, instead of daydreaming about some combination of a naked stacey dash, a car seat, a universal remote, and 12 empty packets of orange kool-aid, i’m sitting there literally fantasizing about the nasty things i plan to run home and do to my…pillow. sleep sometimes trumps sex, and thats okay.

still, after a while, the pillowbating needs to discontinue, or your mate is either going to not cheat…but want to, not cheat…but only because they’re not able to, or cheat.

2. romance, schmoemance

you didn’t realize it, but you started having sex with her at 8:45 in the morning while she was on the bus headed to work. no, you didn’t actually physically have a morning quickie in the passenger aisle of the EBA, but that little “mornin, cutie-pie. sexy ass…damn. nevermind.” text you sent her made her smile and produced the first tiny drop of anticipation moisture down there that will continue to accumulate throughout the day.

the 1:17 text saying “i have a surprise for you later on“? more drops

being early for the date, and softly kissing her when you see her, pulling her close enough so that she can tell you’re wearing her favorite cologne, but not so close that she can feel your lil general “standing at attention”? leaky faucet

opening your car door for her. gently guiding her in with your hand slightly beneath the small of her back? brazilian rain forest

at this point, she’s not even thinking about anything else other than “please, please, please God dont let him do anything dumb tonight to f**k this up” and your work is done.

going from a consistent serving of that…

…to this…

you: “come over and let me hit. and on the way stop and get me some fries…and condoms. peace, homie”

her: “it’s 9:47 and i haven’t heard from you all day”

you: “damn..yeah, you’re right. you better hurry then. wendy’s drive-thru is gonna be closed soon”

…will soon get you a one-way ticket on the “i wonder why my girlfriend just rubbed the mailman’s ass and smiled” express

3. be like ike

isaac “ike” austin was a somewhat decent power forward/center for the miami heat and the la clippers. originally passed over and cut by many teams, he went to europe for a year to refine his skills, and eventually returned to the NBA a much better player. he made such improvement that he actually won the NBA’s most improved player award in 1997. this improvement eventually led to him being offered a very lucrative multi-year contract with the orlando magic.

so, did ike continue to improve after he finally got his big payday???

nah.

he got fat, his game got worse, and he was out of the league within three years.

if you want to insure that your mate will thirst for cheating on you, be like ike. do everything you can to break the implied relationship contract you agreed to when you first got together. gain 50 pounds. stop bathing. start wearing your late uncle’s clothes. end all oral. get giant tear drop tats on your adams apple. do everything you can to make them believe that they were a fool for committing to you. be like ike

4. cheat, or act like you’re cheating

you’d think this was common-sense, but you’d be amazed at how many cheaters and cats exhibiting cheateresque qualities i know who were flabbergasted at the fact that their mate actually had the gall to return the favor. for clarity’s sake “cheateresque qualities” refer to qualities exhibited by someone who actually isn’t cheating, but consistently does things that would make any reasonable person assume that they are. these qualities include (but aren’t limited to)…

receiving mysterious texts and phone calls at odd hours

referring to members of the opposite sex by ambigiously sexual nicknames. (put it this way, no woman in a relationship should ever refer to any guy who’s not related to them as “big daddy“. until you’re single again, his name is “james”)

being consistently unavailiable at not unreasonable times

intentional aloofness

being named “angelina jolie”

athough you shouldn’t be held captive to some non-trusting mate’s emotional whims, be considerate. if you ask yourself “honestly, is he justified in thinking that i’m unfaithful?” and the answer is “yes“, and you do want the relationship to continue, then stop being an inconsiderate asshole. it’s really not rocket surgery, seriously.

hopefully no one here will ever put the cheating keys in the ignition. if so, you might as well just hop in the back seat. shit, at that point, your mate shouldn’t be the only one who’s getting a ride.

–the champ

It’s Friday.

One of my favorite movies of all time is Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Everybody’s had a person in their life that they wish could have be erased from memory. This movie depicted this concept and theory flawlessly to me.

Not to mention, you get Kirsten Dunst in her undies for a good segment of the movie. Not that I find her particularly attractive, but whatever. Skin is skin. Unless said skin belongs to Grace Jones or Angela Lansbury, in which case, you can have it.

Carl Thomas also felt this way and did his best impression of a person who could sing in his first single, “I Wish I Never Met Her”. And despite the fact that Carl Thomas sounds like ass vocally, the sentiments are quite apropos. Been there done that. Wish I never did what I done done. Like Shawty Lo, except spelled “dun dun”.

Thing is, I have maybe one person that I wished I’d never met. Hell, I’m pretty sure I told her at some point. But there was no crying for her Argentina. Truth is, though I wished I’d never met her, in some way, she helped to contribute to the sexxy beast that I am today. So perhaps wishing I never met somebody is a bit extreme.

However…there are definitely SITUATIONS that in retrospect I wish I would have changed. Hell, if I had my current wisdom I wouldn’t have made many of the mistakes I made early on. Like the time I knew my ex had cheated on me but I chose to “not believe it”. If I had the chance to go back, I’d have just dropped her ass that day I figured it out instead of hanging around for more months of insane boredom and inexperienced domegame. Sh*t, I could have had a V8. Because of that chick I ended up passing up a chance to have my way with Beyonce before she met Jay. And that’s not true at all, however it made for a better story than it started out as.

For the hell of it: Butteryfly Effect.

So, good people of VSB.com in the Kingdom of Smartness, what would you do differently? Any blemishes from the past that you’d like to Proactiv away or decisions that probably just weren’t so hot that your current wisdom wouldn’t let happen even if Mel Gibson was directing your life’s story?

-VSB P

Larry: Is he good?
Anna: Don’t do this.
Larry: Just answer the question! Is he good?
Anna: Yes.
Larry: Better than me?
Anna: Different.
Larry: Better????

This (censored) script from a scene in the surprisingly rewatchable 2004 film “Closer”, where Clive Owen’s character (Larry) just found out that his wife (Anna, played by Julia Roberts) had been cheating, perfectly encapsulates a typical man’s feelings about his woman “stepping out”.

Despite whatever nuance we might possess, when speaking of infidelity, we are excessively concrete sequential. In our minds, intention is basically a complete non-entity when compared to actual action. We generally care less about where she met the guy or if they have more of a “connection” than we did or even how long it’s been going on. If you notice, nowhere in the script cited above or below does Larry ask “Do you love him“.

Asking a man whether or not there’s a difference between physical and emotional cheating is akin to asking him whether or not there’s a difference between bananas and Santa Claus. You can’t compare and contrast two entities when one of them doesn’t exist.

Infidelity starts with contact and not a moment before, a fact which makes “emotional cheating” the ultimate oxymoron. There’s no gray here, no “almosts” or “maybe, but not quites“. You can’t breach the no cheating portion of the relationship contract unless there’s physical contact.

There are various reasons for this line of thinking, all basically stemming from the fact that our paramount, our primary, our most primal concern has nothing to do with anything else but penises…his VS ours. Did you climax? How many times? How many times did you sleep with him? Is his bigger than mine? For us, nothing else matters, regardless of how intensely you’ve been “connecting” with him over yahoo messenger at midnight for weeks.

Larry: Do you enjoy it?
Anna: Yes!
Larry: You like his c–k?
Anna: I love it!
Larry: That’s the spirit. Thank you. Thank you for your honesty. Now f–k off and die, you f—d up slag.

*I’ve never been cheated on. Well, lemme rephrase that…I’m approximately 82 percent sure that I’ve never been cheated on. But, if I ever was, I’m definitely stealing the “effed up slag” line, even though I have absolutely no idea what the hell it means*

–the champ