*****editors note. the champ so enjoyed wearing the “black man’s hat” yesterday, that he refused to take it off. despite our pleas, he even wore it in the shower, which has now made the hat damp and ripe with mildew. the champ is obviously a strange duck. if you happen to see him today, please assist us in snatching this hat off of his head*****

its not the datable man shortage

or racism

or latent sexism

or big gay al reynolds

or daddy issues

or bust it babies

or even jim jones

no, the biggest problem facing young blacks in regards to dating today has everything to do with our ears, or, more specificially, what we chose to do with them.

we are *paging my best charles barkley impression* terrible, terrible, terrible listeners.

terrible

forget std’s, the paramount relationship health issue in the young black community is the eerily selective abundance of earwax we all seem to possess. it comes and goes, like hiccups and appalachian hookers.

how else can you explain the selective listening we do, evidenced by the fact that not only do we not listen to each other, when we actually do decide to listen, we make the genius decision to listen to the drooling n*gga in the corner wearing the giant dunce cap!!

for instance:

black guy says “i love black women, but haven’t dated one in a while because black women don’t seem to be attracted to the type of brotha i am. apparently i’m lacking in swagger or some shit” and it’s immediately discounted as bitch-n*gga bs that shouldn’t be paid any attention to.

idiot black guy says “black women are too difficult, which is why i can’t f*ck with em anymore. seriously, who wants to spend all that damn time taming a broad?” gimme a mami over a sista any day, even sundays.” and this becomes the gospel from the book of “how black men really feel”

black girl says “i mean sh*t, if our own men don’t love us, who the hell will? how is that supposed to make me feel?” and she’s dismissed while told to woman up and stop living in the 17th century

black girl lost says “these lame ass n*ggas aint doing nothing for me. i need a baller with a ‘09 benz and a d*ck bigger than a toddlers arm. if you don’t fit the criteria, kill yourself” and every other black woman in the country is guilty by association.

i dont know. maybe its easier for us to collectively pay attention to bullsh*t because the important truths are too difficult to bear. maybe we’ve been so conditioned by the music we listen that we’ve become experts of language compartmentalization. maybe we just need to chew more gum. who knows.

i do know though that honestly, if listening were looks, we’d be camilla parker bowles (who should just probably have her name legally changed to “ugly-ass cpb“)…

…and not even the biggest black man’s hat can hide that.

L-boogie said it best:

“and even after all the knowledge and the theory/ i add a muthaf*cker so the ignant n*ggas hear me”

who knew she was referring to all of us.

—the champ

Okay. I’ll admit it. It’s true that men are typically held to a different standard in regards to the number of sexual partners we have. Because women are seen as the gatekeepers, the ones with the keys and the sexual veto power, men who are able to consistently “circumvent the system” are often highly regarded by their peers, and found to be more attractive to women. On the other hand, because women are seen as the creators of the sexual matrices, women who are “less stringent with their admissions policies and standards” are looked down upon.

To expound, men who are able to get with many women are seen in the same vein as the guy who’s able to get admitted into any university, while women whose screening processes are the exact opposite of “aggressive” and “thorough” and “logical” are seen in the same vein as community college, hence the phrase “junior college ho”‘

Admittedly, there is an inherent unfairness to this. Women are taught to suppress their sexual appetites, while men are encouraged to fulfill them. Although you can argue whether or not this way of thinking is ultimately beneficial for everyone and for the greater good of society, you can’t argue the blatant inequality in expectations.

Thing is, women aren’t the only ones held to a seemingly unfair sexual double standard. You don’t believe me? Read on:

Scenario 1: A man and a woman have been dating for a while, and have decided to take a step towards being in a committed relationship. During this time, they have a “talk”…one of those all-nighters where each party reveals a bit about themselves and their feelings and their history that the other party probably wasn’t aware of before. During this talk, the woman reveals a bit about her past…

“A decade ago, while I was still in college, a few girlfriends and I went to Cancun for spring break. We were short on cash, so we shared one room with two twin sized beds between the four of us. On one particularly wild and crazy and drunken night, while the other two roomies were still out partying, my bedmate and I decided to “experiment” with each other. It was just a one time occurrence. Sh*t, I’m not even attracted to women, and that was the first and last time I’ll ever have sex with one, but I thought that I should let you know about it before we got serious. I’d rather you hear it from me than someone else”

Now, in my very unscientific opinion, 85-90 percent of men will have some variation of one of the two following responses

1. “That’s no big deal honey. I’m sure we’ve all done stuff that we’re ashamed of. Lord knows I have”

2. “Did ya’ll make a tape???? I gotta see this tape!!! Where’s the f*cking tape??? Will you marry me????”

The other 10-15 percent might have a serious reservation or even consider it to be a deal-breaker.
Compare that to…

Scenario 2: A man and a woman have been dating for a while, and have decided to take a step towards being in a committed relationship. During this time, they have a “talk”…one of those all-nighters where each party reveals a bit about themselves and their feelings and their history that the other party probably wasn’t aware of before. During this talk, the man reveals a bit about his past…

“A few years ago while I was in college, a few frat brothers and I went to Cancun for spring break. One of the nights, when a friend and I were especially drunk and happened to be chillin in the room by ourselves watching “change of heart”, one thing led to another, and we made out and, ummmm, a few other things. It was just a one time occurrence. I’m in no way, shape, or form attracted to men, but I thought that I should let you know about it before we got serious”

Now, in my equally very unscientific opinion, 10 to 15 percent of women will have some variation of the following response…

1. “That’s no big deal honey. I’m sure we’ve all done stuff that we’re ashamed of. Lord knows I have”

…while the words coming from the mouths of the other 85-90 percent might sound something like

“Okay, I’m gonna run to the store to get some clorox wipes, plastic gloves, and ziplock bags. I expect you to be gone by the time i get back. I’d say don’t let the door hit you on the ass too hard on the way out, but your Al Reynolds ass would probably enjoy it!”

You can argue that a male homosexual act is more invasive then a female homosexual act. You can also argue that our definition of masculinity is so concretized that any act that’s perceived to be outside of that norm is immediately deemed “unmasculine”, but you can’t argue the fact that’s it’s a bit unequal. Where women are looked down upon for sheer volume, men are dismissed because of specific acts.

When you match the two “inequalities” together though, things have a way of balancing out. A self-imposed system of sexual checks and balances that ultimately work in everybody’s favor, and keeps the champ happy, which is all that really matters anyway.

—the champ