completing a decathlon
passing the bar
eating stouffer’s french bread pizza, and not burning the roof of your mouth
teaching v renee to read
although each of the aforementioned tasks are extremely formidable, none of them compare to the sheer difficulty of telling a person you care about that they’re, ummm, ungood in the sack
because of this, there are tons of wack sex having people walking the planet, completely oblivious to the plague of pathetic punany and pauperized pumpage they’re exposing to an unsuspecting populace.
download real genius today, as a service from vsb.com, the champ has decided to enlighten and educate these abominable boners with seven signs that you might just suck at sex
1. you have the tragic stick
put it this way, casanova, if your sex life personally remixes the chorus to “magic stick” from…
“i know if i can hit once, i can hit twice”
…to
“i know that i can hit once. twice? eh. good question”
…then maybe for now you should substitute the “who’s your daddy’s?” and “say my name’s” for “this is really great. thank you for the opportunity” and “do you want a check or cash?” .
2. the usual courteous post-coital warm and slightly damp towel has been replaced by a box of kleenex usually frisbeed at your head
3. he’s always in the shower before you even wake up dinotopia quest for the ruby sunstone dvd
for men, the relentless pursuit of the possibility of morning sex is embedded in our dna like hunting, gathering, and pissing on the toilet rim. from “accidentally” letting it slip out of our boxers and rub your granny-pantied booty to our perfunctory half-asleep nonchalant “oh. thats your nipple? my bad. don’t mind me” morning stretch, our first waking moments are usually spent playing “the poke game“, where we continue to poke around to see if she’s game. nevermind the fact that we’re not even really that horny half of the time, we’re still contractually obligated to at least try.
a man completely disregarding this process every morning (weekends included) for a quick jump in the shower means one of three things:
a) he’s married.
b) he’s gay
c) you have a stupid and stale vagina, and the thought of having “extra” sex with you is more disturbing than stan van gundy
4. your head game causes more wincing, “wait’s!!!”, and “what are you doing’s??” than a 3rd grade abstract art class
5. you have a zero day return policy
its a commonly known fact that non-puerto-rican women of a certain age will do anything to “keep their numbers down”. this includes the storage of certain exes contact info for a set period of time (usually 3 to 18 months), kept in case of dire “i just left a wedding reception. i’m drunk, i’m depressed, and i need some diction right. now.” emergency.
if you’re over 25 and you’ve never received that phone call from an ex, just be thankful that you obviously have a great personality.
on the flip side. if…
6…after sex with you, men consistently disappear like salmon rushdie…
…maybe the next time you’re at borders you need to pick up the “real sex” box set and leave “the tipping point” on the shelves.
7. your lovemaking lawyering is useless
while its true that men do occasionally turn down sex, its also true that our “no’s” are usually as weak as malibu rum and can be coerced into an immediate change of heart.
if cursed with crippled coochie, though, you’re liable to hear some variant of “nah, babe. i’m good. i need to finish these popsicles before they melt. maybe later”
8. your name is halle berry
so, extremely lascivious people of vsb.com, any additions?
—the champ
Related posts:
{ 376 comments… read them below or add one }
“you have a stupid and stale vagina” LMAOOOOO.
i am going to bed.
@i’m overit, BOO,
i am going to bed.
lol, i wish i could say that right now
I LMBAO at this entire post, Champ. Good, good job.
I think that if you’ve never run into ANY ex and exchanged a knowing glance that made it clear you were both thinking ’bout the gotdamn you used to have, you need to work on your bedroom skills.
@iloVEGrits,
*nods head* That stare that lingers just a second too long. Yupppp
@iloVEGrits, “if you’ve never run into ANY ex and exchanged a knowing glance that made it clear you were both thinking ’bout the gotdamn you used to have, you need to work on your bedroom skills.”
I concur!
@iloVEGrits,
I agree 150%
@N.I.A. naturally, i agree and sh*%
@iloVEGrits,
Damn, you are just the business today. Haaaa!! Killing me with this one. 100% certified in my books. This seems failproof in my books
@iloVEGrits,
Real talk this made me feel real good. Cuz people are too polite w/ it. Then I thought there ain’t a ex I can think of that wouldn’t …
maybe for now you should substitute the “who’s your daddy’s?” and “say my name’s” for “this is really great. thank you for the opportunity”
BWAHAHAHAHAHA. This entire post has me DEAD AND GONE like the moisture of
NaturallyAlise’s haira post-menopausal woman’s Love Pocket.Champie, iQuit u. Please pack ur ish and GO!
@Luvvie,
BWAHAHAHAHAHA. This entire post has me DEAD AND GONE like the moisture of NaturallyAlise’s hair a post-menopausal woman’s Love Pocket.
you’re saying her hair’s dryer than kathy bates?
@The Champ,
Yes.
@Luvvie, I want the two of you jettisoned from the planet. I quit you both that hard.
@The Champ,
Don’t encourage that thirsty haired hooligan… don’t do it… it ain’t worf it…
@Naturally Alise,
hay Missofia!
@Naturally Alise,
HA! Hooligan. Look here you Raggedy Ragamuffin…
I heart u!
1. you’re stopped mid-performance by your partner scooting, crawling, pawing, pushing away from (not into) you…
2. you have to be talked into or begged to get it in… or receive a ful- hour tongue pleasuring before the thought of the deed even seems like an ok idea
3. you’d rather use toys than the real thing in your chex game
4. you close your eyes…and endure it until its over knowing that will never go down again
5. you flat out been told that’s it..for real? that sh#t was whack thanks for nothing…
@maria,
“endure it until its over”
Why would you do that?
At some point, you need to blow the whistle…stop the game.
@iloVEGrits,
it lasted less than 2 minutes…not joking…from point of entry to being over…and I swear on my life…he thought he was handling some business…had the nerve to ask me how I liked it…you know all smug-like…i didn’t say a word…got up, picked up towel and took a shower…came back and woke his a$$ up and was like no you can’t spend the night…didn’t answer his calls after that no more…and it was a womp moment for me…
@maria,
“didn’t say a word…got up, picked up towel and took a shower…came back and woke his a$$ up and was like no you can’t spend the night…didn’t answer his calls after that no more…”
You did everything correctly. Gold star.
It would have been okay to kick his arse, too, if the feeling had come over you.
@iloVEGrits,
I wish there was some way to just know if someone
was gonna be terrible…like some scarlett letter they had to wear…i ain’t trying to waste my time…you know
@maria, word, some kind of this ninja cant work the middle, and his penis is little app.
@maria, I am all for the “scarlet letter”. Post it now! lol
@maria,
I vote for this Scarlet Letter
@maria,
Can’t spend the night? OUCH!!! Straight up trife’
@maria, So tell me why you just know some people are supposed to be good in bed, and then the severe disappointment of not counting them to your “number” happens because it was sooooo bad! Felt like I was in high school again and it was my first time…he was hmmmm and awwwing and sweating and sh*t, and I was just laying there like please Jesus return right now! Forgive me first though!
When you askin the lord to return in the MIDDLE of fornication…yeah, thats not good boning right there.
@maria,
If he has to ask how you liked it, I think he knows that it is whack!
@maria,
1-3 are the true signs that I feel most men ignore. I’ve done ALL of these things and still have had someone ask for seconds or a call back… *smh*
@maria,
” you’re stopped mid-performance by your partner scooting, crawling, pawing, pushing away from (not into) you…”
These are funny…but this could mean smthg else.
@Me fail english?,
True…normally referred to as “running”.
@Me fail english?,
These are funny…but this could mean smthg else. .
uhhhh huuuuuuhhhh. You are so right.
::Rocking back and forth while clenching my thighs and reminiscing::
@Me fail english?,
In fact if no “running” is involved, it may be a fail. *sigh* I need a cold shower
@Luvvie,
My sentiments exactly.
*Reminisces of mornings spent walking funny* ahhhh
@Me fail english?,
“mornings spent walking funny” lmao
hell yea i used ta love to see um walk away like the cant open they legs or tip toeing lol i felt like tha shizzzzzle
@BLUNTBLAZER,
Dont forget the grinning and unconsciously singing to yourself!
@Me fail english?,
… sometimes the “walking funny” was really some extra ‘switch and kick’ in the hips… cuz the walls are still having ‘ghost third leg’ sensations… hmmmmmmm *smiles*
@blackberry molasses,
Yup!
@Me fail english?,
yes, and YES. Good LAWD.
@Me fail english?,
i really did not need the flashback that statement caused right now. at all.
@maria,
2. you have to be talked into or begged to get it in… or receive a ful- hour tongue pleasuring before the thought of the deed even seems like an ok idea
yeah. if foreplay consistently lasts 1000% longer than the actual sex, you might be having uncool coitus
@The Champ,
hey its really hard to turn down so good dome. You be like naw im coo then you feel lips and tounge and you jus forget hella things
I’m adding the word “ungood” to my vocabulary now.
But what if your man doesn’t try to cop a feel every morning cause he has a 2 hour drive to get to work, but he cops and pokes on weekends? Does that mean the cookie is only partially stale? Or does that mean he’s more concerned with makin that money than gettin that good stuff, pre-morning pee-pee hard on?
Wait, did that even make sense? Good lawd I’m sleepy, lol.
@RedBeanzNRice, i think it means he’s trying to keep the $$ coming in so he can take care of you and still feel like a man and get that “breakfast in bed” every weekend…
missed y’all, VSB!
@ladybphd, Heyyy welcome back n sh*t
@ladybphd,
welcome back and sh*t
@RedBeanzNRice,
Wait, not even beaten that thang up one time b’fo work? Well, ATLEAST you still getting it on the weekend so that’s good. You either have a committed man(work n sh*t, keep him) or yo’ ass is stale!
@Officer Ricky,
“You either have a committed man(work n sh*t, keep him) or yo’ ass is stale!”
I don’t know why this made me crack the hell up so hard this mornin’, but thanks for the laugh!
@Officer Ricky,
Yea if its good enuf a nigg will wake up a extra half hour early just to bang nuthin betta then hoppin out some puss and goin to work all cheesin like you won the superbowl
@RedBeanzNRice,
LOL! I’m not sure really. He might be rushing to work to make sure you all continue to have a bed to do the thang in on the weekends.
I get the impression that my bf would be an hour late if it meant he might be able to get just 3 good pumps. It all depends on the job really.
@Ivy St.,
lmao if only you could see my expression reading this comment!
@Gem…BeThatAsItMay,
I thought you were going to be away today, that’s why I put it up. lol!
What I meant to say, was a friend of mine said that her bf. This has NOTHING to do with me.
@Ivy St., riiiiiiiiiiiiiiight.
@Ivy St.,
“I get the impression that my bf would be an hour late if it meant he might be able to get just 3 good pumps.”
Yep, I think that’s what he thinks cause he doesn’t like quickies, and doesn’t want to be late for work. I mean damn, it’s a 2 hour drive. Now the nighttime is a whole ‘nother story, lol.
@RedBeanzNRice,
i had this one chick i would be at her house a 6am cause her pops left at 5:30 just ta bang b4 work dam the good old days. Soon as she open the door its on and her pj’s comin off.
@Ivy St., LMAO. this is hilarious. gotta love VSB…
@RedBeanzNRice,
having to get up excessively early is an extenuating circumstance. you’re excused. you might not have a stupid and stale vagina
@The Champ,
“you might not have a stupid and stale vagina”
Why does this make me think of day old bread? AWESOME! And by awesome, I mean “a mess”
@The Champ,
You might not have a stupid and stale vagina deez.
Too long?
@RedBeanzNRice,
yeah. deez statements need to be three words or less
@The Champ,
Three or less deez.
@The Champ,
wow, standards around the deez statements. bougie black folk
A few other signs you need to step your chex game up:
*If you consistently are unable to get a hold of a guy after the first time you bump uglies. I had a former friend who dudes – seriously, 3 out of 4, would disappear on after the first hit…whether she waited a day or a two months. I finally asked “What are you doing in the bedroom?”
*If you are a 8 or 9 on a 10 point scale and you can’t keep a guy faithful more than 2 months. My cousin, God bless her heart, is so pretty and her body is sick but I have concluded that she sucks in bed cuz soooo many of her men cheat.
*You know your head game sux if your man tells you he really doesn’t like it. My girl’s man told her this. Took her 3 years to figure out she wasn’t given him the technique he preferred. She tried something new one night and, viola, magic!
@iloVEGrits,
“*You know your head game sux if your man tells you he really doesn’t like it”
hahhahahha. Wow. This is really sad.
@iloVEGrits,
If her head game was wack for 3 years, why the hell didn’t he give her pointers? That’s a sign that he must’ve been lame his damn self. If you can’t show me anything new in 3 years FYL
@Me fail english?,
true you neva turn down some good clean dome thats against every man law i know. you let them practice i like it when a girl wants you to tell her what to do. I be like “no hands more spit” lol
@iloVEGrits,
*If you are a 8 or 9 on a 10 point scale and you can’t keep a guy faithful more than 2 months
this is also known as the “halle berry”
@The Champ,
Or the Jennifer Aniston
@Dom,
Jennifer Aniston is a 7 TOPS, IMO.
@Luvvie,
Really? I think she’s pretty! I’d give her an 8. She pulled Brad Pitts fine arse didnt she?
@Dom, I’d go with 7 and under. LOL
@Dom,
aniston is a 6 her face is ugly to me
@Dom,
She looks like a good drag queen, IMHO.
I just don’t see it. The jaw or something doesn’t work for me.
@Luvvie, the camera doesn’t do her justice. she’s actually really pretty in person. i met her in a bookstore with vince vaughn when they were still dating and her face was stunning.
@iloVEGrits,
I have concluded that she sucks in bed cuz soooo many of her men cheat.
Or maybe she picks the wrong men… (and is whack in bed to boot)?
The whole post was hilarious!!!
I wish people would be more honest and tell their partner the truth. I was talking to one guy and he was complaining because so many women would abruptly stop seeing him and all of his ex-girlfriends cheated on him. I concluded that he was bad in bed and it’s too bad because he’s really good-looking, smart, and has a good personality.
@Leila,
sometimes…no matter how great everything else is…if the chex is whack it’s hard to be convinced to stick around…there’s only so much coaching…talking thru..guiding-leading one can do…sometimes it’s a matter of size, poor stroke etc. and there aint much to be offered as guidance in that dept.
i have two married female friends who married for stability…chex was whack during the courtship but their husband’s were on point on every other aspect…both friends complain about not having good or frequent chex and each has had the “i might cheat” conversation with me…smh. this is why it’s important to acknowledge that although chex is the be-all deciding factor of a relationship it is defintely a variable in the equation…you gotta be compatiable in department in addtion to the others…
@maria,
“i have two married females friends who married for stability and have chex twice a yer”
This sounds like he!!. No judgments.
@iloVEGrits,
“i have two married females friends who married for stability and have chex twice a yer”
this is my definition of hell. well, this and albino roaches
@iloVEGrits, where does one find these men who are only down for chex twice a year??? okay maybe not twice a year…but twice a month would be cool with me….maybe i’m becoming more prudish as I get older …or maybe I haven’t had any that i considered to be worth getting all sweaty or missing out on a nap for in a LONG time.
Although in my early to mid twenties I think I would have considered twice a year to be some form of hell
@maria,
i have two married females friends who married for stability and have chex twice a yer
that is horrible…I’m so sorry for your friends.
@N.I.A. naturally,
i don’t know i feel upset with them and disappointed that they went into the situation knowing what the deal was and now feel morally torn b/c they realize that they wanna cheat or think they will cheat down the road…both have been married now for 4 yrs., and now each have 2 children…it’s just plain stupid to me. Super-pressed to be married? to be stable? I guess, 1 I have a bit more understanding towards b/c she met her husband when she had just had a premie baby…and he really supported her emotionally during the entire thing (he was not the father btw) and they ended up dating for a yr. before he asked him to marry her. The other person, well, I think she was just pressed to latched unto her dude b/c she saw him as a good investment. ( as a means to escape her then situation of living at home with her mom, no real employment etc.)
Now it’s not only about them..but also about their family…their decision have repercussions that affect too many pple. just careless chocies…
@maria,
This all sounds like a movie that oughta be on Lifetime, called “Married but celibate”. Or it could be a documentary on TLC. I’d soo watch
@maria,
Your post is the prototype for the single male beyond 25 yrs old. Scary.
@maria,
“i have two married females friends who married for stability and have chex twice a yer”
What kinda Dereon h*ll is that??? (No Offense. *cackles*)
@maria,
this business of marrying for $ despite the bad s3x will only end in tears and chagrin all round….
this one woman i know did that, (and everyone knows he has zero skills). One afternoon, at a very pleasant barbeque with friends and family, she proceeded to get messily and loudly drunk (probably out of s3xual frustration). when her hapless hubby suggested they go home, she went OFF!!
“HOME???? HOME???? Why should we go home??? WHAT EXACTLY HAPPENS AT HOME, HMMMM??? Tell me!! that’s right, NOTHING! NOTHING happens at HOOMMEEE….!!!”
it was awful to witness…they divorced a year later, he subsequently remarried, and his lovely wife was recently spotted swigging absolut right out of the bottle at a popular night spot…. i am worried…
@superwoman,
DAYUM! This bamma needs to set some sort of a record, or be mentioned in a battle rap or something…
D so bad you turn women into alkies!
I got your recovery right here, baby…
Lawd!
@Lil’T,
“or be mentioned in a battle rap or something…”
iCackled!
@Lil’T,
LOL! Hilarious…
@superwoman,
LMAO! I don’t know why but I can’t help but feel serious contempt for this dude.
@superwoman,
“HOME???? HOME???? Why should we go home??? WHAT EXACTLY HAPPENS AT HOME, HMMMM??? Tell me!! that’s right, NOTHING! NOTHING happens at HOOMMEEE….!!!”
damn. talk about a south african ethering
@The Champ, & Me Fail English
guys it was BAD, we did not know where to put our faces… and shame, the guy is so sweet – a really good person.
but his woman was heectic!!! add s3xual frustration to the mix, it’s explosive…plus, she’s Xhosa (not pandering to ethnic stereotypes, really!!) but Xhosa women are known to be HARD CORE on all fronts (good and bad – think the amazing Winnie Nomzamo Mandela) and she fit right into that stereotype with her diatribe…
i’ll save the reaction of the men in the space for another, more appropriate blog…suffice to say, the zulu man in the place (no ethnic stereotypes, promise!!) wanted to beat her for disrespecting a man…..my peeps, sometimes
@superwoman,
“HOME???? HOME???? Why should we go home??? WHAT EXACTLY HAPPENS AT HOME, HMMMM??? Tell me!! that’s right, NOTHING! NOTHING happens at HOOMMEEE….!!!” .
BWHAHAHAHAHA!! His pee pee must be extra tiny or invisible.
@V Renee,
miniscule.
@V Renee,
Lilliputian
@V Renee,
Gary Coleman.
@RedBeanzNRice,
REALLY???? bwahahahahahahahaha. U stoopid.
@RedBeanzNRice,
Vern Troyer.
@V Renee,
glazed baby carrot.
@Naturally Alise,
baby corn
@Naturally Alise,
ONE elbow macaroni.
@Naturally Alise,
vienna sausage
@Naturally Alise,
iQuit u and everyone else who played apart in this sub-thread. “glazed baby carrot” make me cackle
following Luvvie and handing all participants their Quittage Papers.
@Naturally Alise,
glazed baby carrot.
i…..cant…..breathe!!!
@V Renee,
spicy merguez.
@V Renee et al., ya’ll are turrble…
*DEAD*
@maria,
“i have two married female friends who married for stability…”
This is what scares me about marriage.
@maria, I stuck with a lame for a while because of this same thing. Perfect everywhere but the bedroom. I had nightmares thinking that this was going to be it for the rest of my life.
Glad that’s over.
@maria,
sometimes…no matter how great everything else is…if the chex is whack it’s hard to be convinced to stick around…
Did you read my diary or something??
I really, really, really tried….
@Leila,
The worst chex I have ever had in my life was with a very cute, very smart, witty guy. He too found himself constantly dissed by women who were so interested in him at first, with no word as to why they pulled a ghost move.
The chex basically consisted of me listening to him talk dirty while he massaged his limp member.
You can’t work with that.
@iloVEGrits,
The chex basically consisted of me listening to him talk dirty while he massaged his limp member.
ugh. i just vomited my frappucino all over my monitor, thanks.
@puff,
lmao…if only there was a way to convey such a feeling to those pple who think they have a great chex game but don’t…
@maria, tell em, I think its silly to be unhappy, either teach em or leave em
@Blacklaw,
trust me i have done both.
@Blacklaw,
Love it or leave it
@iloVEGrits,
“The chex basically consisted of me listening to him talk dirty while he massaged his limp member.
You can’t work with that.”
That don’ even sound attractive. These kind of female rants make me wonder what my fellow brothers are doing? What EVER happened to regular sex? Foreplay and then knocking it out the ballpark?
@iloVEGrits,
The chex basically consisted of me listening to him talk dirty while he massaged his limp member.
this sounds like something miggs from silence of the lambs would do
@The Champ,
naw sounds like a weak girl 6 movie
@iloVEGrits,
“The chex basically consisted of me listening to him talk dirty while he massaged his limp member.”
are you serious? no, you CAN’T be serious. this DISTURBS MY SPIRIT.
*shudders*
this is on some chexually dysfunctional type mess. Jeebs be a chex therapist for him.
@blackberry molasses,
No. It’s totally true. I blogged about it around the time it happened:
http://stickwithyocat.blogspot.com/2008/08/i-tried-to-be-grown-up.html
@Leila,
“sometimes…no matter how great everything else is…if the chex is whack it’s hard to be convinced to stick around…”
you know it’s so sad. that a woman could get everything she wants in a man: successful, driven, makes good money, treats her like queen, faithful, good-looking, physically fit, good height, committed, reliable, no kids, no drug habits, cooks, cleans, credit score over 800, etc. But if his chex is wack they would rather go for the no-good, rat, 3 or 4 baby mamas, drug dealing, no ambition having, cheats constantly, makes you become his carrier on the block, etc. However, the chex is the best you ever had in your life! He has you crawling walls and you are willing take all the stress and drama that comes along with it just for his duck. You know that all he has to offer you is his duck. Hmmm…I could do without the good chex for the great guy with wack chex. Chex ain’t that important. It’s only like 20% of a relationship. Where the heck is the other 80%?
@Blue Skyez,
The key is get it all in one package my friend… all the ingredients matter, that 20% (no matter what it is) can mess up a wonderful 80%… Money isn’t supposed to matter either but it is the #1 reason for breakups of marriages. You have to manage it right, just like chex, and all other parts of a relationship…
@Naturally Alise,
Chex is something that could be improved on over time as long as the guy is open-minded and experimental. I think wack sex comes from extentuating circumstances especially if the guy is a great, nice guy in all other aspects. He may be wack because he didn’t man-ho around enough to get plenty of experience in his younger years. Meaning he believes chex is special experience you should share with people you truly care about. He may be wack because he isn’t really into you but is just doing it so you won’t call him gay or think he is not attracted to you. He may be wack because gospel songs keep playing in his head while he doing the deed and he can’t really get into it due to his guilty conscience. The reasons are many. The main point is the wack chex is fixable once the reason for it is handled.
@Blue Skyez,
The main point is the wack chex is fixable
I don’t know if I agree with that… I was about to write my response to the post as saying, sometimes it’s not that the person is whack in bed, it’s just that there is no chexual chemistry between the two. He could be great with abc and whack with xyz because the chemistry was not there.
From experience (and trust me I tried), I don’t think whack s3x can improve… It’s just not happening between the two… You either accept it, or move on.
@Blue Skyez,
***Winner of today’s Dank & Murky Blanket Award***
@Luvvie,
lol. does that mean I’m a party pooper or something?
@Blue Skyez,
Indeed.
@miss t-lee,
shame on me. Nevermind my wet blanket-ness y’all.
oh shoot. I totally realize that everyone was having fun clowning the wack chexual experience. I totally got too serious. I’m like an a-nal retentive english grammar teacher trying to moderate a free-style rap battle.
@Blue Skyez
It’s all good chick. We all get too serious from time to time. I’m serious all day, so I basically whyl out when I’m with ya’ll.
We still need someone to come through with the real on occasion.
@Blue Skyez, I totally agree with this….once you’re done with meaningless flings (and can therefore no longer deal with the later traits) and the reality sinks in that there are only approximately 11.5 eligible (and attractive) black men over 30 years of age who possess all those positive traits you mentioned per metropolitan area… how great the chex is moves down a little on the priority list when you’re evaluating a potential mate….
@klysha,
how great the chex is moves down a little on the priority list when you’re evaluating a potential mate….
100% Agreed.
@Blue Skyez,
People choose what they can work with. If all the 80% still makes one a frustrated woman then there is no need to be in a relationship. A relationship is supposed to make you be the best, not turn you in the worst version of yourself.
How about people just need to be compatible?
here here!
@Blue Skyez,
20% ?!??! That right there….is that bull ish. Fuzzy math. It’s VERY important to me, more than 20 percent.
Bond
@BlkBond,
Herein lies the difference between men and women.
@Dom, agreed
@Dom,
To me, it’s more than 20% too.. Shoot, it’s almost 50%!
For the guys:
*If she is unemployed and needs rent money and you’re rollin’ in dough and willing to break off a few bills but she won’t let you hit it again…your stick action is lackin.
*She pretends to not know you very well when she runs across you in public. When you walk away, you hear her and her girl(s) burst into laughter…you’re a chexual joke.
*If, while in the middle of the do, she gets up to make sure the oven is off or to turn on the heat…you’re not going to be called for an encore.
*If you’ve given what you believe was your finest chexual performance and you don’t wake up to breakfast…you should consider homosexuality as an alternative.
@iloVEGrits,
“*If you’ve given what you believe was your finest chexual performance and you don’t wake up to breakfast…you should consider homosexuality as an alternative.”
LOL u have no sense, u got me with that one lol! In here cracking up!
@iloVEGrits,
“*If, while in the middle of the do, she gets up to make sure the oven is off or to turn on the heat…”
Dang, that’s harsh, lol.
@RedBeanzNRice,
lol. I’ve “stopped the movie” to go pee. I think he got the hint.
@Me fail english?,
I’ve just stopped and didn’t make any excuses. The look on my face should have been enough.
@Me fail english?,
you’re nice.
I’ve straight taken my foot to chest/face/shoulder and was one some “get the H3LL off!”
@blackberry molasses & V Renee,
COOOOOOLDBLOODED!
@iloVEGrits,
*If you’ve given what you believe was your finest chexual performance and you don’t wake up to breakfast…you should consider homosexuality as an alternative.
lol, you’re in rare form today and sh*t. you didnt steal my toast did you?
@iloVEGrits,
*If you’ve given what you believe was your finest chexual performance and you don’t wake up to breakfast…you should consider homosexuality as an alternative.
Ummm…I have a good number of homochexual male friends and they are even more exacting than straight women when it comes to chexual performances and they are not afraid to express their minds AT ALL. So that’s a no-go there. If a person is wack heterochexually they will be even more wack homochexually if they are not really homochexual. Asexuality will be a more sensible option/
@iloVEGrits, Wait so we’re expected to cook too??? geez…what if you’re like me and you don’t keep any food in the house most of the time…can a high five suffice???
@klysha,
lol at the high five. Yes, that will work.
@iloVEGrits,
*If, while in the middle of the do, she gets up to make sure the oven is off or to turn on the heat…you’re not going to be called for an encore.
It could also mean, she’s Bree Van De Kamp.
So you think halle is bad in bed too? My Aunt (who is almost 60) swears that halle ain’t “doing it right” LOL
@melekaj,
Yes.
@melekaj,
Yup. All that glitters ain’t gold, and her bedazzled facade seems to be ashy on the inside (kinda like a Dereon sweatsuit made of polyester)
@melekaj,
It’s probably a combination of bad sack game and the fact that she’s apesh*t crazy…
Just my theory.
@melekaj,
i dont know. i think she might be getting better now. a shrinking sexual flower probably wouldnt have taken those pics with jamie foxx that are floating around the net now
@melekaj,
Your aunt might be right… Halle just don’t give off a “I know what I am doing in bed” vibe…
@Sula,
co-sign. Halle is nice to look at, but she doesn’t make me want to destroy my bedroom.
LOL thanks for the laugh, Champie.
that pic of van gundy is HILARIOUS!! i promise he’s only experience with “playing” basketball is at state fairs.
@Gem…BeThatAsItMay,
you know, i actually met papa van gundy several years ago, and, odd at this seems, he looks exactly like both stan and jeff. lets just say “van gundy” and “homecoming king” were probably never uttered in the same sentence
It has only been since i got older that i even cared about a chick’s chex game in that I used to be more than willing to play Pat Riley and teach a bird how to do the damn thing. My homie told me a dude that is messin with my ex stay talkin bout her BJ qualifications…I wasn’t even mad after I taught her to do it ryt I pushed her out in the world to go be somebody (in the back of my mind I said we can never do the thing thing again. Its messed up but I’ma nooka with pride)
now Im less willing to be a full-time coach so now I just mess with seasoned vets. Gotta thing for birds with one kid (for some reason they seem to be able to do the thing thing)
@Blacklaw,
Yes sir. It comes a point where fresh panties aren’t the business anymore. You want a girl that get’s in there and knows how to get it in too! So certified..
Don’t know bout your 1 child per woman fetish tho. LOL
@Blacklaw,
“My homie told me a dude that is messin with my ex stay talkin bout her BJ qualifications…I wasn’t even mad after I taught her to do it ryt I pushed her out in the world to go be somebody (in the back of my mind I said we can never do the thing thing again. Its messed up but I’ma nooka with pride)”
No disrespect but it sounds like your ex is being smutted out. She’s giving a dude head and he’s bragging to the group. How old is this fool? 12?
And I’d imagine girls with one child to be a lil more loose than the avg woman. False?
@Me fail english?,
And I’d imagine girls with one child to be a lil more loose than the avg woman
pun intended?
@Me fail english?, False, pun or no pun
@Me fail english?, nah if you got loose sandwich meat dont be puttin that on the kid
She is totally gettin smutted that is why i finished that with back of mind im sayin we cant ever ever ever ever be together again but to each their own
what ima say? she a grown ass woman she messin with a mark a** buster (shout to my west coast ninjas)(or anybody who recently watched boyz in the hood)
@Blacklaw, my apologies for my bad editing
@Blacklaw,
Mark buster is always in my vocabulary.
@Blacklaw,
LOL! I had a guy recently tell me that women with kids are better. Is this because they don’t want to be alone with just their kids and as a result they have to step their game up?
Also, I don’t think you have to be a full time coach when it comes to sex with someone new. I do feel like you have to show/teach/u pick a verb someone that is new chexual partner. I agree that once you give one great bj, then you can probably give that same great bj to the next man. I think because the non-oral chex is more specific to the partner, that you find yourself playing something like Russian roulette or dancing the Tango… you are going to have to teach and/or learn as you go. I agree someone that is more “seasoned” may bring something new to your table, spice it up or be willing to adjust, BUT no matter what, you still are going to have to do some teaching (teaching may not be the very, it’s a process). Sorry.
What’s wrong with teaching or showing?! It’s chex, it’s suppose to be fun. You’re learning about someone new and sharing a part of yourself that u share with few ( i hope) people. Even with time, you are going to change the things you like. The stroke you used in November is most likely NOT going to get me there in April.
*I don’t feel like reading back over this so I hope you get my point*
@Ivy St.,
“The stroke you used in November is most likely NOT going to get me there in April.”
Tell it! With some people (read: me) there has to be constant, CONSTANT variety. Oh, the places you’ll go
The only thing I’d amend is the BJ part.
More spit vs. less
Projectile spit vs. dribble vs. stream
Hand vs. no hands
What’s more sensitive his “head” or the “back”
To blow or not to blow
Laying? Kneeling? Heels on?
And how about the rest of the “neighborhood”…
…these are the questions. I’d feel better knowing what my man specifically likes. Although that can be a pain in the neck (haha!) to get verbal directives for every effin thing.
@Me fail english?,
LOL!!! dead________________________@ “the rest of the neighborhood!”…… NO COMMENT!!! pwahahahahahhahahaha!
@Me fail english?,
lmao you are crackin me up girlfriend!!
@Me fail english?, I concur. I need specifics.
@Ivy St., LOL! ”
I had a guy recently tell me that women with kids are better. Is this because they don’t want to be alone with just their kids and as a result they have to step their game up?”
maybe its b/c free time is limited so they gotta “make it do what it do!!!!”
@Ivy St., dont misunderstand showing someone how you like it is very diff than teaching, i.e. showing someone the back stroke when they been doin the freestyle aint teaching a nooka how to swim
the nuance is key here
@Blacklaw,
I totally agree with you. At a certain level, it just gets tiring.
“I wasn’t even mad after I taught her to do it ryt I pushed her out in the world to go be somebody”
LMAO! This makes me think of that scene in Killing them Softly when Chapelle was talking about Monica Lewinsky. “Go write a book! You’re a qualified author and isht!”
@Dom,
You know who should write a book? That chick that Charles Barkley was chasing down the street in AZ. I’d buy it.
Ok, I’d illegally download it, but the point is I’d be interested.
@Me fail english?,
I missed this story. Lemme get to googling…
@Me fail english?,
You know who should write a book? That chick that Charles Barkley was chasing down the street in AZ. I’d buy it.
yeah. apparently she got that billion dollar blow game
@Blacklaw,
……………… I am an only child, with an only child……. *crickets*
@Blacklaw,
I am an only child… with an only child…… *crickets*!
Again the pic up top is hilarious, dude got a face like “how small is too small really?”
Signs you need to step it up
She dont be callin for the Lord
She is suddenly unreachable by phone, text, facebook, twitter, etc…
Her friends laugh when any comedian on tv jokes about bad sex but her face is real serious like she aint just hear that joke
She tells you “look, stop for a damn second!”
She is willing to answer her phone during chex (unless its job related)
for ladies
sex is like pizza its always gonna be at least aight for a dude
even if the head is bad (assuming you cause no injuries) a nooka aint gonna stop you
But if you want to be good just think of the nastiest, low self-esteem inducing, make you grossed out thing that you would never do or tell your friends you do…..then do THAT!!!!!
@Blacklaw,
*DEAD* at your list for men.
If i’m not calling for SOMEBODY then you not doin-t it right. lol
@Blacklaw,
She dont be callin for the Lord
*preach*
@Blacklaw,
I’d go so far as to say if she picks up the phone for any reason short of the answering machine picks up and a member of her immediate family died, just go head and call it a night.
@Blacklaw,
Her friends laugh when any comedian on tv jokes about bad sex but her face is real serious like she aint just hear that joke
LOL.
btw,
“But if you want to be good just think of the nastiest, low self-esteem inducing, make you grossed out thing that you would never do or tell your friends you do…..then do THAT!!!!”
lol, i see someone else is a fan of patrice o’neal
@The Champ,
mr. o’neal will be in dc later this fall..just saying…yea, i’m excited bout it…and what lol
@The Champ, he dont kick nothin but the truth
if he looked a little diff i assume he’d be doin movies and ish
@Blacklaw,
“She dont be callin for the Lord”
LOL! I thought I was the only one that prayed during chex.
A sign a man would give is when he’d rather rub it out to some porn than even bother calling her up, even though she’s driving/lives wit him/is right next door/is buyin’.
@Stuff Ghetto People Like,
welcome and sh*t.
and, you know, there are some times when you just wanna rub one out and go to bed. sure, boning is better, but sometimes you dont feel like waiting
@Stuff Ghetto People Like,
Ya know? Sometimes, I just want to get it out. That marathon chex is not the business, I have to get up in the morning dammit!
I laughed until I stopped.
iCan’t with this post right now. Be back in the AM. Goodnight Vampire Crew
@blackberry molasses,
“I laughed until I stopped.”
That’s usually how it happens, lol. BBMo, you’re one of a kind!
If he or she takes a shower and leaves thier own home immediately after….
If they get up immediately pick up the phone and the conversation starts “gurrrrllll I should have had a v8″
If they sit up look over and laugh until they start crying
If she is noticeably angry?
U wack as he-ll
@shay-d-lady,
co-sign the noticibly angry. If your partna is angry and you haven’t had a fight, tis prolly the chex
Gentleman:
If in the midst of chex she suddenly remembers that she has a meeting at work in the morning and she needs to prepare immediately.
If while having chex you can hear a needle fall on carpet, and she has a straight face.
If after you have finished having chex she goes into the bathroom and you hear a vibrating sound followed by more moans than you heard during the chex.
@JamaicanGirl, “If while having chex you can hear a needle fall on carpet, and she has a straight face.”
Exactly!
@JamaicanGirl,
If while having chex you can hear a needle fall on carpet, and she has a straight face.
This is not a face u ever wanna see during the southside slippery slide
. <— means EPIC FAIL
@Luvvie,
Yeah the Blank stare is never good.
Ungood? LOL. That’s a new word for me.
I don’t have any additions- I’ve only had one bad chex encounter in my life (a jackrabbiter), and there was really nothing crafty about how I tried to let him know.
I just laid there and gave him dead eyes.
@Nicki Sunshine,
“I just laid there and gave him dead eyes.”
dead eyes sounds disturbing. why didnt you stop him?
@The Champ, LMAO…. they are disturbing but he didn’t care.
I didn’t stop him for a few reasons:
1. It never lasted long.
2. I called myself being in love.
3. I knew he’d be in jail soon (I dated a thug in my heyday) and so I wanted his last experience to be memorable.
All dumb reasons- but eh, u live and learn right?
” your head game causes more wincing, “wait’s!!!”, and “what are you doing’s??” than a 3rd grade abstract art class”
*Crying*
I’ve mentioned this before but if a chick tells you to “just stop” mid stroke and tells you “this isn’t working”. Please draw your own conclusion
*Sadly this is a true story.
@miss t-lee,
I’ve mentioned this before but if a chick tells you to “just stop” mid stroke and tells you “this isn’t working”
seriously though, how do you recover from that?
@The Champ,
you don’t….i feel like the partners i’ve been unfortunate to have bad chex with have depended too much on pron…meaning they watched way too much of it and spent their learning time watching stuff…so i don’t have any regrets or sympathy when i straight stopped the deed and/or put him on blast for his whackness…
just stop…and go away..
@The Champ,
I don’t know how he recovered. He wasn’t invited back and I told him that we should just be friends.
I saw him about 3 years ago and he asked for my number again, saying he wanted to redeem himself.
It was a no-go.
@The Champ,
You don’t recover, you get your gear on and roll. There is nothing to be said, no apologies, nada. Its one of those unwritten understoods. Just be owt!
Y’all are too funny around this piece. I will co-sign that bad chex makes women very (very) angry. In my case, violently so. If I 2 piece you and it wasn’t just an accidental thrash you can trust that your d is wack. I’ll apologize like it was an accident, but I’m really tryin to hurt you bad enough for you to require at least some first aid. And no, we can’t get back into it after that.
P.S. – thanks for the heads up about that morning chex thing. I just thought that was our am pick me up.
*singing*
The best part of wa-king up….
@Lil’T, ” I just thought that was our am pick me up.
*singing*
The best part of wa-king up….”
LMAO!
@Lil’T,
CO-SIGN in all CAPS!!!! I can personally TESTIFY to this… Bad sex,… being sexually unsatisfied will send me into a rage. Not putting it down to my satisfaction will dayum near turm me into the female version of Ike Turner. The funny thing about it, is the older I get, the less tolerable I am for one being wakk in da sakk. I just turned 29 on Memorial day, and my sex drive is 10x higher than it was when I was 21. I guess out of maturity and experience, I know what I like. Having unfufilling chex is like….. going through the drive through at McDonalds to get those all white meat chicken nuggets with the hot mustard, sweet n sour sauce combo master mix you have been craving all day, only to get home to see the dayum ninjas forgot to put the dayum sauce in the bag! PHUKK!!!!
@Laneianna,
Happy Belated and welcome to the “Not Quite 30 Club”
@Laneianna,
The funny thing about it, is the older I get, the less tolerable I am for one being wakk in da sakk
It’s been the case for me as well…
@Lil’T,
I agree. Bad chex makes this chick just a wee bit angry/violent.
If you get a “please stop embarassing yourself” you gotten the good end of the mule.
I have kicked a ninja in the face on some Sack Whackness. Like, gave dude a black eye. Watching him explain/lie about the source of said black eye to his homies… PRICELESS. That was the funniest week of my life.
@blackberry molasses, OH.MY.DAMN that is wrong as hell…but, HILARIOUS! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
I have to agree I had a bad experience. She came back for more and I said no. I’ve said no a grand total of 2 times, so it’s not a common experience.
Even when a man is dead tired, got emergency neurosurgery in the morning (as the lead surgeon), and has to be up at 3AM (which is 45 mins from now) he will generally NOT turn down chex. It’s like a rule.
@Stank-0,
Even when a man is dead tired, got emergency neurosurgery in the morning (as the lead surgeon), and has to be up at 3AM (which is 45 mins from now) he will generally NOT turn down chex. It’s like a rule
***nodding head***
lol, there’s always time for a couple pumps
@The Champ, why does this statement, ‘there’s always time for a couple pumps.’ remind me of them rebock pump gym shoes. lol
I got something to add to this from personal experience with a few women.
1) If you telling me all type of freaky stuff you want to do and I am still turning you down.
2) If you pull it out and I still say no.
3) If you talk about how good it was for you and I have nothing to add.
4) If you can never get me to come back over.
5) If it’s hard and I don’t want seconds.
This type of topic always reminds me of the pretty chic or thick chic with the body that is just terrible in bed. Sometimes it seems as if the better looking the woman or the better the body the worse they are at chex.
@Humble_One,
thick chic with the body that is just terrible in bed
there seems to be alot of those. its like the majority of the women who have bodies genetically engineered for f*cking lack the aptitude. you even see this in p*rn. if f*cking were football, they’d be tavaris jackson
@Humble_One,
seems to be an over abundance of those ‘pretty’ or ‘thick’ chicks who can’t do nothing with that man down there. I think it’s because they’ve never had to learn/adapt. Most men pursue them vigorously so they assume they’ve got that wet wet.
See, that’s why you gotta keep you a shanequia on standby…cause Kelsey will let you down.
Bond.
Killing me with the stale, stupid, and crippled vajayjay.
I haven’t had any complaints, but you will know you’re not hitting it right because there will be absolutely no reaction. I mean… NONE.
@ChiChi,
“Killing me with the stale, stupid, and crippled vajayjay.”
This kilt me too. I jus have this visual on loop of Champ stopping midstroke to say “Your vagina is stupid. Where is your toast?” And then the girl starts sobbing
@Me fail english?,
*DEAD again*
@Me fail english?,
I jus have this visual on loop of Champ stopping midstroke to say “Your vagina is stupid. Where is your toast?” And then the girl starts sobbing
LOL. this made me choke on my bacon cakes and gravy
@The Champ,
WTF is bacon cakes?! With gravy?!
iQuit you and ALL of your strange breakfast foods.
@Me fail english?,
I was wondering what bacon cakes were as well. I just chalked it up to some Pittsburgh ish and left it alone.
@miss t-lee, I am also wondering what this food is.
@Me fail english?,
LMAO! Or… Champ get up mid-thrust and goes “No more DEEZ!”
@Me fail english?,
ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!!!!!! okay, let me try to pick myself up from off the floor!!!!!!!!!!!!! iyoooooooooooooo!!! once again, with feeling….ha ha ha ha ha ha h a ha ha ha ha ha!!!!
@Me fail english?,
Bwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!!!!
iHate you.
@Me fail english?, LMAO!! Yall gonna get me fired today!!!
And the Number 1 reason you know you’re wack in the sack is if you are super bowlegged with pigeon toes and you go by The Champ.
Run for your life ladies. It’s not worth it. They don’t call him The Chump behind his back for nothing.
And oh yeah read deez.
You are now free to leave the country.
@V Renee,
You go hard on your revenge don’t you?
@V Renee,
LOL! I think I heart you for this.
@V Renee,
LOL. ok. i guess i had that coming
@The Champ,
@V Renee,
bygone deez
@V Renee,
daaaaaaang v renee does not like hger literacy challenged LOL
@V Renee,
That.Was.AWESOME!
I think I have a new girl crush.
@blackberry molasses,
You don’t say?!?!
::batting my eyes/blushing::
You know your chex is bad when…..
You have to hold your member whilst penetrating, in order to stay “up”….
Story….an old school rapper I have been seeing recently, has to hold his member in order to keep it up. It’s the weirdest thing, and I thought it had something to do with me, at first, but he kept coming back for more…and then the second time, I figured it was a long night, things happen, the third time….same thing, the fourth time, same thing, the fifth time…you get the picture. S.E.X-ing him is like being fisted cause I swear that is about all I feel, is his fist banging up against me….
Don’t ask me why I did it that many times with him…..I guess I was holding on to hope that maybe…maybe…it would get better…it didn’t!!! Don’t get me wrong, he is good people…great personality…but, he SUCKS in bed….
@Complex Simplicity,
“S.E.X-ing him is like being fisted cause I swear that is about all I feel, is his fist banging up against me….”
I need a medic. STAT!!!!
_______________________
@Complex Simplicity,
Soooo you’ve been getting Tina Turnered (punched) in the Love pocket repeatedly? This is turrble
@Luvvie,
If I get fired for the laughing I just did in my quiet office, you’re getting a new roomate in Chi town.
@Complex Simplicity,
well, you did say that he’s an old school rapper. i’m sure a middle aged hammer has a bit of trouble “getting it started”
I immediately thought of Slick Rick for some reason…
@Complex Simplicity,
….an old school rapper .
And this is why he has to hold it to keep his member up. His arse old and can barely keep it up. You may should crush up a Viagra and put it in his drank ahead of time.
@Complex Simplicity, I’m sorry just cause he old school….(read: 37-ish) don’t mean you can’t keep it up….I’ve had a 44 year old tear it up like he was 21..no excuse!
@Complex Simplicity,
**making “Catch of the Day” face (read: mouth agape and speechless**
I am so SAD, nay, in MOURNING for your poor vag’n'kisses. **pours out a little likkah**
@Complex Simplicity,
lol@ him punching you in the ovaries, Anchorman style!
@Complex Simplicity, I cant believe you went back
@Yaa, Ha…neither can my vajayjay…lol
@Complex Simplicity, “E.X-ing him is like being fisted cause I swear that is about all I feel, is his fist banging up against me….”
LMAO… maybe you should buy some little blue pills secretly and under the table and disguise them as “vitamins.’
@Nicki Sunshine, No blue pill can help that….he could take Viagra, Levitra & Cialis all at the same time and he would STILL have to have a firm grip on it for it to “stay up”
“because of this, there are tons of wack sex having people walking the planet, completely oblivious to the plague of pathetic punany and pauperized pumpage they’re exposing to an unsuspecting populace.”
Oh yeah…props on this alliteration.
@miss t-lee,
Word he like pulled a literary tripple lindie
@miss t-lee,
thanks and sh*t
OH MY GOD!! Champ you are a fool for this post!!! I have been on both sides of the BAD sax thing.
As the receiver of BAD sax he was trying to start doing things uhmmmm…. ORALLY that he’d never done before. You cant reinvent yourself after age 30!! It was horrible and I just gave him THE SHOULDER TAP half way through. It was just gross!!
Another time I actually fell asleep on my ex husband LOL! The sax was never good and he only wanted to do the lazy a$$ chicken wing position. One night I really didnt want to do it but I did & midway through I fell asleep. I actually heard myself snoring!!
As the BAD sax giver, it was my first time with the dude I see now. It was right after my divorce so I was used to the lazy a$$ chicken wing position. This DUDE was like a friggin bedroom superhero & was all over the place. He was doing flips, had equipment and was doing stunts & positions that I had never seen before. It was already awkward being the FIRST TIME TOGETHER and all but I just couldnt keep up. Midway through…HE JUST STOPPED! I was like AWWW DAYUM!
@Yaa,
“Another time I actually fell asleep on my ex husband LOL! ”
bwahahah…Guys would this be the ultimate blow to your ego?
@miss t-lee,
that depends on the circumstances and prior history.
@kamakula,
Unless I just ran a marathon in a fat suit, ain’t no reason to justify falling asleep IF ITS GOOD. Or if I’ve been diagnosed with Org*sm-triggered narcolepsy.
Any other circumstances = you suck more than Lil Kim & Hoover combined
@Luvvie,
you have no idea. . . but that is a good thing, hopefully, you never will.
@Yaa,
What is this ‘lazy azz chicken wing’ foolery you speak of??
@blackberry molasses, He was lazy as heck!! He’d lay on his side me in front of him. Sometimes he’d prop himself up on his elbow. Other times he wouldnt. It just reminded me of a CHICKEN WING LOL!
@Yaa,
Oh he’s fcukin’ fired for that foolishness.
@miss t-lee,
Oh HAYLE NAW!
Forget fired.
He needs to run for his dayum LIFE. Cuz I’d be comin after his azz with a baseball bat.
@blackberry molasses,
Do not pass go, do not collect $200.
@blackberry molasses,
…d@mn, you violent. A dude would suffer from performance anxiety from fear of an @ss whoppin’, lol!
@AkShone,
“dude would suffer from performance anxiety from fear of an @ss whoppin’,”
Haven’t you seen the Jackson 5 movie? How you think Michael learned the spin?
I grew up with corporal punishment. Lack of ackrite meant an azzwhuppin. PERIOD. Sheeeit, I used to get them on GP just cuz my mom KNEWED I was up to sumfin.
Guess it translated into my chex life. That’s right, I blame my mother LMAO.
But honestly, with all the books and help out there, once you reach a certain age, perpetual sack whackness is a punishable offense. Its like you’re whack on PURPOSE.
@Yaa,
No. Just… NO!
@Yaa, Okay there is so a position called the 44 chicken wing.
*two lovers in an embrace* Missionary her knees up high. The backs of her knees innervate w/ the backs (soft part) of his elbows. I’ve also heard it called the G5
@Yaa,
“One night I really didnt want to do it but I did & midway through I fell asleep. I actually heard myself snoring!!”
ROTFLMAO! Hot diggity dog. This visual is hilarious.
Him: *doing his best pump & a bump* “Who’s ur daddy?”
You: Zzzzzzzz… what??? No I don’t wanna go to school, Mommy!
Him: *deflated*
@Luvvie,
You have me in hysterical laughter at my desk. Not a good look (and shit) but this shit is funny.
@Loc’d-N-Loaded,
wow… another one slipping past Moderation Purgatory.
Dang Champ! Didn’t have enough toast, I see.
@Yaa,
HE JUST STOPPED
Never a good sign. Did you two have a second chance? Hope you learned your lesson and did your stretches before and put it on em!
@Yaa,
im glad you admitted to the bad sex thing. i was thinking, i know everyone up in here aint always been justin slayer and roxy reynolds, lol.
@The Champ,
its not the lack of admission… more like, if I know i’m not going to be up to snuff, i usually find an alternative. everyone has an off day, h3ll depending on life you may have an off month.
@The Champ,
I puts it down every time.
I don’t have all these stalker exes for nothing.
Word.
@Yaa,
lazy a$$ chicken wing position .
You don’t know how hard this made me laugh.
# 5 is on point. I’d lower the age though. He** if you’ve ever been in a relationship and you never get that call, I’d say whack sax was at least partially to blame for the breakup.
When it’s unspeakably bad, I just start laughing and tell you to stop. Its mean, I know, but I’ve only had to do it once or twice. Otherwise I try to spare feelings by just ignoring calls, crossing the street when I see you, and avoiding you.
The worst I’ve ever had was from this dude who refused to give oral, and then had the audacity to have a small peeny. I felt nothing and it’s not like he was swimming through the ocean. I was so angry at him…first no oral (which I can overlook if the D is good), and then a small, insignificant peen? the nerve of that fool!
@N.I.A. naturally….,
With the size of his jank he should’ve been grand champion of the tongue action.
He’s fcukin’ fired too.
*throat punch*
@N.I.A. naturally….,
No oral= no go.
I HATE ninjas with all types of weird restrictions. I mean, I know everybody has them but when they’re basic things like that…*throat punch*
@N.I.A. naturally….,
NEVERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR get with a ninja that doesn’t do oral! I hope you learned a lesson from that!
@Laneianna,
it didn’t occur to me that I should ask…most guys I know like giving oral. but i did learn my lesson…that just b/c a dude is 6’3 and built like a tight end does not mean he has anything going on in his boxers
I too, have learned that the hard way.
6’5, 260lbs, my ass…
@8th Wonder,
Add to that a six pack and thighs of steel… still couldn’t prevent the wacktastic from happening…
@N.I.A. naturally….,
Dude that doesn’t do oral…….
**scratches head**
They MAKE those? They must be defective models. Should have sent it back to the factory.
I wish a ninja WOULD tell me he “doesn’t do that”
@blackberry molasses,
They MAKE those?
Yes—sadly, they do.
@blackberry molasses,
Ugh! What’s worse is the 2.0 model that tells you insanely funny jokes like “My d game is so good, you won’t even miss it!”
WHAT? WHAT?! WHAAAAAAT?! [/Mrs. Broflosky]
I say we storm the factory and burn them in effigy.
@Panama – happy belated sweetheart. it tried to post, along with other messages yesterday, but they disappeared. heppeeee heppeee, fellow gem!!
@ champ – lately, i’ve realised that my comments disappear… i post, it reflects that the content’s been captured… then NOTHING. Nx!
anyhoo – as far as this post’s concerned, i feel so badly for poor poor halle berry (or hail bear, as the southern african mama’s call her)…
do we wonder why she was perfoming tongue gymastics onstage with jamie foxx?? coz the brothers from vsb think her s3x tricks are nonexistant or wack!!
oh dear…. i too would grab jamie foxx peen and suck on his tongue in full view of cameras, my peers and jesus to refute that claim….. too much is at stake!!!
@superwoman,
Hail Bear?!
That is too cute.
@superwoman,
@ champ – lately, i’ve realised that my comments disappear… i post, it reflects that the content’s been captured… then NOTHING. Nx
they dont disappear. i just think our filter hates south africans
@The Champ,
“i just think our filter hates south africans”
So your filters are European?
@Luvvie,
“So your filters are European?”
No, they’re Panamanian! Hahaha – ok, it was funny to me, lol.
#8….Man that sh*t is f*cked up. But it does make since, damn.
@Jade, How the h*ll did this pass moderation?!
@Kindred Smile,
Dat’s what I’d like to know. As many times as a clean comment has been held in moderation purgatory and this shiznit makes it through?
**heated**
@blackberry molasses,
Word is bond homies. LIIIIIIIIIZZZZZZZZ
@Kindred Smile,
lol, it didnt. it was held and i let it through.
@Kindred Smile,
I think moderation musta been on a hellafied break.
@Jade,
welcome and sh*t.
@The Champ, Thanks hate to cause such a stir, the whole site is filled with incomplete curse words n sh*t. I like the attention and love the site. SMOOCHES
This is a crazy post… I had a 2.5 year long relationship with a man that had the WORST CHEX EVERRRRR. I have actually referanced him on VSB before….. A wise man once told me “You can’t get different results doing the same shyt!” I’m going to be honest. TO ME, (outside of foreplay and romance) good chex has a lot to do with size. I am 6ft tall.. 235…. I’m a big girl… I need a big man. This guy I dated.. We’ll call him “B”, had the SMALLEST peen I have ever seen in real life, but he was the BEST boyfriend any woman could ask for. He gave me an allowance every Friday.. anywhere from 50 bukks to 3-4 hundred bukks, what ever he felt like giving me… he was very kind to my daughter.. Everytime he would go to the mall (which was alot) he always would get my daughter something…. For her 5th birthday, he created an amusement park for my kid.. we had a ferris wheel, a carosel, pony rides… really… as a man.. he was the SHYT. I never cheated on him, because I really did care about him… he was GREAT in the oral dept,but im not a lezbo, and that was not enuff. When i say it was small… just to give you an idea, it was probably the legenth of my middle finger, and the width of my thumb…. HORRIBLE and he would jizz almost immediatly after we started…. I would initiate oral when I thought he was getting in “the mood” just to avoid having to do it. Towards the end of the relationship, I went to hit the ninja with some fellatio, and barfed in my mouth….. Thats when I knew it was over.
@Laneianna,
“it was probably the legenth of my middle finger, and the width of my thumb…. ”
I REALLY hope you have big hands, cause that right there? THAT right there? All I can do his smh. Po thang.
@Laneianna,
***sending congrats to laneianna for writing the most vulgar comment to ever make it through the moderation filters.***
@Laneianna,
Wow…why can’t the two ever seem to match? Why do great dudes have whack d&*k? This is what they mean by hell on earth….smh
@Laneianna,
“Towards the end of the relationship, I went to hit the ninja with some fellatio, and barfed in my mouth”
A part of my soulspace just faded to behind the veil when I read that. This entire comment just bout killt me unGood.
@Laneianna,
I know how you feel…
I couldn’t tell my mama an’em why I broke the engagement… “He was such a good dude”…. But I just couldn’t keep the charade… I was perpetually angry… The worst is he had one of the best looking d!cks I have ever seen… nice size, beautiful head… everything! But he was just whack…. or as I like to think “Our chemistry just didn’t match”…
I peaced out of that joint.
@Sula,
“The worst is he had one of the best looking d!cks I have ever seen… nice size, beautiful head”
This broke my heart! All that beautiful d and don’t know what to do with it. You have my condolences
@Me fail english?,
Truly…a shame.
@Me fail english?,
indeed… we must have a funegro for his wasted ‘talents’
@Sula,
That’s horrible!!
I hate when people have a good piece of equipement but never read the owner’s manual so they don’t know what to do with it!
@V Renee,
It’s the worst I tell ya. Thee worst.
I don’t understand this trying to cop a feel in the morning thing. . . that’s how I fall asleep. . .
If your condom is baggy, then you know that there is nothing outside of oral chex that you can do for a woman… that’s just a given that your chex game is just ungood. And if you don’t do oral just go step on a rusty nail in a landmine…
Incidentally the best oral chex I ever had was from a guy with a baggy condom, overcompensation is a mofo!
@Naturally Alise,
“If your condom is baggy, then you know that there is nothing outside of oral chex that you can do for a woman”
But why did that conjure up the visual of Spectacular and his wack-ass red draws? LMAO
@RedBeanzNRice,
argh!!! My THIRD EYE IS ABLAZE!!!
Why did you mention that vid? Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy??????
*wall slide*
@blackberry molasses,
I know – I’m sorry, lol. It’s just that those saggy red draws have burned their way into my memory, and I have to take every opportunity to talk about them until my brain is free of his foolishness. There is something very wrong with that boy.
@RedBeanzNRice, “There is something very wrong with that boy.”
I need to know of the women who actually think his behavior is chexy though- really, there is something strange about a man who gyrates like that? U don’t do all of that during chex- so why demonstrate it?
@Nicki Sunshine,
“need to know of the women who actually think his behavior is chexy though- really, there is something strange about a man who gyrates like that?”
I know right? Well, I can’t speak for other women, but you can count me as one who thinks his “motions” were extremely UNGOOD. Besides that, why was he calling out other dudes? I’m sayin’, boy if you’re gay, do the damn thang and stop actin like you “doin’ it for the ladies”, cause it AIN’T what the ladies want. And if you were straight, you’d KNOW that, lol. Po thang.
@Nicki Sunshine, ” Besides that, why was he calling out other dudes? I’m sayin’, boy if you’re gay, do the damn thang and stop actin like you “doin’ it for the ladies”, cause it AIN’T what the ladies want. And if you were straight, you’d KNOW that, lol. Po thang.”
I need u on a loudspeaker outside of his home with a megaphone and this statement in T minus five.
LMAO @ EVERYBODY on here. Thanks for brightening up my morning
@Anger Management, ah you smelcome
Aight the worst I evuh had was one where ole girl had a ‘loose meat’ va jay jay.
Then there was the older woman who during coitious would require suplimental lubrication. She was all chafing on her right side. Que pena
@WuDaMan,
the entire comment is heave worthy
@The Champ,
What can I say I’m like the barak obama pootie tang of love makin. I puts the hope that they can love again in em.
@WuDaMan,
“I’m like the barak obama pootie tang of love makin.”
Sa-da-tay!
@WuDaMan, LMAO @ chafing on her right side
@Kindred Smile,
Word is bond I wanted to start calling her love pocket by the name ‘phat lip.’
@WuDaMan,
“Aight the worst I evuh had was one where ole girl had a ‘loose meat’ va jay jay.”
LMBAO!!! This reminds me of a trip to Mexico with my boys a few years ago. We went to this bar/strip/night club and this dancer had those “meat curtains” and she could put a flashlight inside and switch it on and off (which was amazing by the way), but once we got over her “ability” all we kept talkin’ about was the d@mn “meat mileage” on her vag, lol…
Not. Attractive.
@AkShone, LMAO!!!!!!! BWUAAAAHAHAHAHAAHAHAH!!!!! She got a gift and she got to use it. lol
@AkShone,
In Miami, I went to see a lady who sets her “stuff” on fire. And some other girl was crushing cans. How come out of town strippers always seem more talented than the home team?
Is it because I am from the north?
@Me fail english?, **blink**
:0
@Me fail english?,
D@mn, talk about burnin’, lol.
“Is it because I am from the north?”
…maybe, but then again I’m in Atlanta, so not too much surprises me when it comes to exotic dancers, but turning a flashlight on and off was contest worthy (sans the meat flaps).
@AkShone, ” (sans the meat flaps).” LOL it doesn’t get old. I mean it is old n sh*t but aaaaaahahahaahahah
@AkShone, I got a new name for said phenominon. Pastromi lips
@WuDaMan,
Jesus take the wheel on this whole comment.
@miss t-lee,
Jesus called and said “That comment gon have to drive itself. I ain’t touching that wheel.”
@Luvvie,
*sniggling*
@Luvvie,
::chuckling::
@V Renee,
go on and laught it up but you didn’t have to be there. I think ole girl had been checkin in w/ a cucumber or a can of tcb. mh mh mh smh
@WuDaMan,
Oh Em GEEEEEEE!
**DEAD AND GONE**
Here lies BBMo. Passed on to Glory from excessive IGnance and Tomfoolery.
@WuDaMan,
“a can of tcb”
tha fcuk?!?!?!?!?
____________________
Yeah her modulous of elasticity had been exceeded or something but to her credit. Her head game was the stuff of ~-{LEGEND}-~
@WuDaMan,
*DEAD*
@WuDaMan,
Laughing hysterically. So tell the truth, you hit more than once didn’t you?
This jus made my day. Lil Black boy to Barack. “Can I feel your hair to see if it feels like mine?” http://bit.ly/QIFZj *thug on floor*
*verklempt & joyous wall slide*
@Luvvie,
Aww that was so sweet!!
But Girl, your “thug card” was revoked a few months back, wasn’t it?
@RedBeanzNRice, you right evuh since she got that hair hat pressed she been as soft as a feather. Shoot she can’t even wall slide good she just float to the earf
@WuDaMan,
LMAO! Wu been killing me the past few days.
@WuDaMan,
What madness you talking? My afro is back and in FULL FLEDGE! I wall slide w/ the best of ‘em. Don’t be sullying my good name and wall sliding abilities, Wu.
@WuDaMan,
“Shoot she can’t even wall slide good she just float to the earf”
Like a hovercraft an sh*t. Too funny.
@RedBeanzNRice,
Word, RedBeanz?? You cain’t be goin’ ’round telling folks I care bout feelings and, you know, people, all willy nilly. Shooo….
@Luvvie,
I’m sorry, Thuggie. It won’t happen again.
@Luvvie,
this made my day. fa’ real, fa’ real.
i think one should handle bad chex delicately. i’d rather tell a dude that i didn’t want to ruin the friendship or that i wasn’t in the mood that to destroy his self-esteem. now if i were in a relationship with someone who wasn’t doing it right, then i would have to show them how to please me. i’m too old to play the game of denial.
@Miss Patterson,
“i think one should handle bad chex delicately.”
That’s cause you’re mature an sh*t. See upthread how SOME women *cough, BBMo, cough* kick they’re offenders in the face with steel toe boots, lol – gangsta.
@RedBeanzNRice,
**shows off Immature Gangsta Boo Badge with PRIDE**
@blackberry molasses,
That’s cause you’re HARD! You go Girl! lmao
@Miss Patterson,
The kat I mentioned up thread, I wasn’t a complete wanch to him.I let him down easy, I told him we should just be friends. I didn’t say what I really wanted to say…which was you’re wacktacular.
Contrary to popular belief, I have a heart.
@miss t-lee,
“I wasn’t a complete wanch to him.I let him down easy, I told him we should just be friends.”
LIES! You know damn well you borrowed BBMo’s steel-toe boot to stomp dude in the face. Girl, tell the truth.
@RedBeanzNRice,
I wanted to…but ya know…I don’t think I’d do well in the clink.
This is a side note….but we need a thread on who must have that killa chronic thing thing
I would give my pinky toe (also known as a brownie) to have some of what Erykah Badu is puttin out there.
Had a chick as good as Superhead but I’d like to compare and contrast if possible.
I think Lauryn Hill probably got some of that good good.
Ashanti face always looked like it was missin something but as she put on weight, her “i wanna beat” ratio went up like the Dow Jones. Jill Marie Jones from Girlfriends got some lips that are just crazy….
Lisa Bonet, tho Im sure she will need to bathe first (chick look like washing aint primo in her day)…
Solange Knowles, I cant explain it but it may be the 1 kid…..
Finally, Ciara i just believe there is a correlation to dance ability
@Blacklaw,
This would have made a good topic on its own.
COMPLETELY UN-RELATED.
Rest In Peace David Carradine.
**EPIC GREAT WALL OF CHINA SLIDE**
@blackberry molasses,
*JUJITSU WALL SLIDE*
I have to go watch Kill Bill this weekend in homage. RIP David Carradine
@Luvvie,
I’mma watch it tonight and prally spend all weekend just reciting quotes from the daggone movie.
Now I HAVE to buy the hubby the Kung Fu box set. No questions about it. He’s going to be Moody McPoutyface tonight.
@blackberry molasses,
I know…mayne…I loved this dude since Kung Fu–I still call people grasshopper on a daily basis…lol
@miss t-lee,
I loved me some Kung-Fu… Ol’ walking in the desert barefooted lookin’ boy…
I’m sad.
man this is funny as hell
Interesting. I have to wonder, as I age how important it is to have GREAT chex. What if its just cool??
I’ve have always prided myself on having a spectacular chex life, but as I “mature” I wonder if that carries enough wait to have me drop the perfect(albeit minus the chex)man and continue this solo two step.
Also, I’m feeling a lil inadequate myself after reading some of the posts. I had chex with a guy for the first time, after a chex hiatus that lasted for some years. Now due to the extremely efficient snap back genes, the vaj was like one of those chinese finger thingy’s, but “moist”. I thought it was pretty jam good! Hit dude up like, we have to do this again, he responded with “do you want me to come back now?”. Good feelings. However, I hit the guy up a week later with the green light and he responded with”that’s a thought”…. Is it possible he has some sh*t goin on in his life or does the use it or lose it rule also apply to vaj??
I’m glad to say that none of this applies to me. I know what I got and how to use it, when to use it and when to put it away. It’s about chemistry and passion, everything else is just icing on the cake.