- wow. that was really an impressive fart
often overlooked in the perpetual dating and marriage talk is the fact that there are a number of stages every couple should probably pass in their journey between the beginning (the time he first spied her across the dance floor and walked through 30 feet of hoodrats, club stink, and armed washington wizards just to talk to her) and the beginning of the end (the walk down the alter). this lack of attention to the actual steps sometimes results in us spending so much time discussing points a and b that we’re ill-equipped to make the actual trip.
and, while everyone is aware of pre-marriage relationship benchmarks such as “meeting the parents”, “opening a joint account”, “buying a pet” “swallowing”, and “shopping for rings”, there remains several more underrated stages that hold just as much significance, steps you probably shouldn’t ignore if you want to actually stay at b after you get there.
here’s three of them
1. the clothes gift surprise stage
while gifts such as diamonds and herpes might be forever, clothing is the one gift that gives everyone (yourselves included) an idea of how much you have invested in the relationship. if you’re wondering how surprising your mate with something as seemingly innocuous as a sweater from the guess store shows how serious your relationship is, consider (as my cousin expressed to me last week) that making an unprompted clothing purchase for someone suggests each of the following:
a) you’ve spent enough time around this person to have an idea of their personal style and favorite store/designer. basically, you know your man well enough to know not to go to the adidas outlet to get him new sneakers because you know he usually rocks nike when he plays ball
b) you’ve paid enough attention to them that you’re aware of what they need…or already have in bulk (you know your girl already has two red banana republic sweaters so you know you probably shouldn’t buy her a third).
c) you know their size, and you’ve done the proper research, inquisition, and investigation to figure it out. why is all of that necessary? well, lets just say that i found out the hard way that finding the right size for a woman isn’t as easy as just thinking about them and saying “yea, i think they’ll fit this”.
also, you probably don’t want to be the cat who gets your chick a 36 c bra from vickys when she’s really a 32 b, because you don’t want her to ever pull the “so, you’re not satisfied with my boob size, huh? maybe i should buy your slightly above average ass some magnum xl’s then. how do you like those apples, bitch?” card on you.
d) you plan on being around to witness them actually wearing it. no one’s going to surprise someone with a pair of jeans if they’re planning on dumping them the next weekend
2. the “i’m having conversations with your friends while you’re not around” stage. (also known as the “you begin to refer to certain people as “our friends” stage)
reaching this stage implies that you’ve managed to accomplish two equally important things:
a) you’ve already passed the all important ‘meeting the friends‘ phase with flying colors
b) you trust your mate enough to have them conversate and shit with your friends when you’re not in the picture.
at this point, its no big deal if you just happened to have an hour long facebook chat with her homegirl about ray j, p*rn, and p*rn made by ray j.
3. the “you know what, i’m gonna take a sh*t in his toilet, and its ok” stage
i’m not saying that you need to go all ‘dinner at the klumps’ on each other, but if you think you’re really into someone and you still haven’t made it to the sh*t stage, then maybe its time to re-think those joint lease plans.
this sentiment extends to burping, bleeding, and any other bodily function. personally, i think its a bit odd to be ok with catching kids on your chest but still freaked out about farting, but thats just me
anyway, people of vsb, what say you? are the listed “stages” actually meaningful, or are they just more evidence of the champ’s impending insanity?
also, are there any other important relationship stages i neglected to mention?
—the champ
Related posts:
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- the lightbulb: 8 simple inner “voila!” statements that would make vsb (and every other relationship advice website) obsolete
- the five most underrated things about dating a sista
- five underrated signs that you just might have ho tendencies (nttawwt)
- are you an interracial relationship racist?
{ 211 comments… read them below or add one }
lmao @ maybe i should buy your slightly above average ass some magnum xl’s then. how do you like those apples, bitch?” card on you.
great list, Champikins!!!! i think the 3 underrated stages you bring up are very key and likely important (or so i think– havent been passed point a in quite some time). although i will say i HATED buying my ex clothes. he was tall and skinny, very tragic to shop for his lanky self. i just stuck to accessories (one size fits all type of thang) like watches, scarves, cuff links, belts, ties, etc to make him look good in the clothes he tried on and purchased himself.
i dont think id want a guy to buy me clothes. i like trying ish on before buying it. just because it looks nice on that hanger and/or mannequin doesnt mean it’ll look nice on me or fit the way i think it should. shopping for clothes is tricky in general. just drive me to the mall and hand over some cash — that’s a great benchmark to hit!
@The One & True GEM… of the Ocean,
Ummm…yeah. The gesture is nice I think, but many women I know would prefer if their dude didn’t do this. Very slippery slope.
@Monk, I agree…for me, I don’t think it’s appropriate to buy real clothes when you’re in a non-married relationship. A t-shirt from like Disney World or something maybe, but like a sweater or something from banana republic? Nah…
@KaNisa,
“I don’t think it’s appropriate to buy real clothes when you’re in a non-married relationship.”
why?
@The Champ, to me that falls in the category of after marriage role…like a chick cleaning up after a dude.
As a general rule for me, I don’t think it’s appropriate for a dude to spend more than say 100 bucks at a time on me unless it’s for an engagement ring or if he’s paying for himself to go somewhere with me (and I’m paying the same amount).
I don’t place a lot of value in expensive gifts because I find them impersonal.
@Kanisa,
So according to your rules, I can never go anywhere w/ SO that costs more than $200 (provided we’re going dutch) or $100 (if I’m paying)? I think you’re last of a dying breed…..
Secondly, how long are your rules effective for? I can see them making sense after a year in a relationship but 2yrs? 3? 4?
@kanisa,
I don’t place a lot of value in expensive gifts because I find them impersonal.
i dont think money spent (or lack thereof) says anything about how “personal” a gift is. basically, either it is, or it isnt. different strokes and sh*t, i guess
@The Plain Ole Pey, I mean it’s not for everyone, just my relationships…and it’s okay to spend more if it’s like a trip or something as long as I’m paying the same.
The rules apply for any amount of time…basically until I’m married to the dude. Then it’s OUR money and we can decide how to spend it together. I just feel weird about anyone other than my immediate family paying for my life.
@The Champ,
Agreed. I buy Pookie whatever I think he’ll like. Whether it’s a $30 fitted or $600 watch. Dollar limits stifle my creativity when giving gifts and it kinda puts a damper on the fun for me.
@The One & True GEM… of the Ocean,
yeah clothing can be dicey. Like you said, I like to fit my clothes first because something may be listed as my size and look good on the hanger but when I put it on, not so much. I believe it is probably easier for a girl to clothing shop for her guy than the other way around.
And it could potentially go from “I think my girl would look good in this top” to her screaming “so you think I’m fat then!” cause he bought her an empire waist shirt, real quick.
@Bajan Girl,
LOL @ empire waist shirt.
its not even that i would be offended if he thought i was bigger than i was. its just, i hate taking ish back. and if he buys me clothes theres a good chance im going to have to do an exchange, so whats the point?
@Bajan Girl,
I believe it is probably easier for a girl to clothing shop for her guy than the other way around.
Definitely agree to this… but he can always buy accessories… or underwear… or shoes!!
@Sula, he can always buy shoes!!!!
@Sula,
i draw the line at shoes too!!! because i can LOVE a pair of pumps or peep toes on the shelf, but its a whole other sitch when they get on my feet!! i have a narrow foot with small ankles. certain shoes just dont flatter me lol.
… unless of course he was with me when i laid eyes on that special pair, tried on, loved, but passed because my giant eagle (grocery) budget was more important to maintain*.
*yes, i admit, i have given up shopping for shoes so i could pay my bills. grad school has made me forget about my shoe-ho ways and make smart financial decisions. damn being grown up!!
@The One & True GEM… of the Ocean,
that’s a great benchmark to hit!
thats what she said
wait…dammit. i don’t think that reply really works there
@The Champ,
When in Rome….
@Plain Ole Pey,
“When in Rome….”
(pause) “yes, go on”
@The Champ,
l.m.a.o.!!!!!!!!!!!
“don’t worry, you’ll find it”
@The One & True GEM… of the Ocean,
Not to mention most men have shetty taste that will either have you looking tacky in some ish from three seasons ago, like cheap sex or a lonely librarian. I hate pookie’s taste in everything. That’s why he hands me cash or I pick it out myself. Eff a surprise.
@Me fail english?,
Eff a surprise.
exactly how i feel about pregnancy
@Me fail english?,
indeed. and any man who knows whats IN season and very in-tune to fashion trends, may just suffer from radial palsy (my dad’s way of saying “broken wrist syndrome”)
@The One & True GEM… of the Ocean,
“radial palsy”
Stoled! (and promptly un-stoled as my ignant as real-life friends would be stumped by this
)
@The One & True GEM… of the Ocean,
I just watch what other broads are rocking. If I like it, I get it for my wife. Just copped her some boots and jeans for Christmas that she loves. Keep it simple, but nice. Pick classic pieces that are going to be good for several seasons, not that trendy stuff.
@Big Man,
Pick classic pieces that are going to be good for several seasons, not that trendy stuff.
i <3 you, i do! *clapping*
@Me fail english?,
Yeah, I wouldn’t let the S.O buy me something on his own. He would have me looking ridic. Lol!
It’s not ‘conversate’; it’s converse (arrrgggghhh)
Anyway, some other benchmarks-
1. Cooking him/her a decent meal
2.Being comfortable enough to tell your S0 they need to shower or brush his/her teeth
3. Buying sanitary napkins or tampons for her. It’s an extra 10 points if he buys you anti yeast infection cream (hey, it happens sometimes)
@Ivyette, “2.Being comfortable enough to tell your S0 they need to shower or brush his/her teeth”
^ Especially when he smiles and says “i know”, gives me one last peck and then heads to “go home and brush that TOOTH!” LOL Cool points for whoever knows what movie that is from.
@Ivyette, LMAO….I always just ask point blank, “Do you have the musty ball?” before journeying to the surrounding area.
@Ivyette,
It’s not ‘conversate’; it’s converse (arrrgggghhh)
what? conversate is not a word?????
@The Champ,
Blame Biggie: “‘conversate’ for a few, ’cause in a few we gon’ do what we came to do ain’t that right, boo? (true)”
@The Champ,
“what? conversate is not a word?????”
Yes.
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/conversate?r=66
*snicker*
@Ivyette,
3. Buying sanitary napkins or tampons for her. It’s an extra 10 points if he buys you anti yeast infection cream (hey, it happens sometimes)
hmmm. i think this is a bit much. i mean, i guess i can see if my girl knew i was going to the store and asked me to pick up some (with specific directions on what to get), but i can’t see myself surprising her one day with a big ole bag of tampons
@The Champ,
LOL @ but i can’t see myself surprising her one day with a big ole bag of tampons
why not?? i think she’d appreciate it!!
@The One & True GEM… of the Ocean,
“i think she’d appreciate it!!”
No ma’am.
@miss t-lee,
lmao you KNOW im just joking!!
besides, i know his gf. i can already see how that would play out lol
@The One & True GEM… of the Ocean,
I don’t think she would. He should know whether or NOT she even uses tampons.
@The One & True GEM… of the Ocean, I actually like this, I mean its not the most romantic gift but buying your gf sanitary napkins is like buying diapers for a newborn, you know eventually she is going to need them. And re “I don’t think she would. He should know whether or NOT she even uses tampons.” shoot, I know I would appreciate them if he brought me my brand and size. Again that is why it is a relationship benchmark
@Intellectual Hedonist,
Yeah. I appreciate whenever anybody saves me a trip to the store.
@Intellectual Hedonist,
you bring up a very valid point. i always wait until the last minute to get my fem products. im always down to the LAST one before i go to the store to restock. trifling but true lol (#dontjudgeme). so i would be really surprised, impressed, and grateful if my honey brought me back the exact brand/size/type of femmies i needed when im low. thats def a sweet gesture. then id KNOW we’ve made it to that next special step.
@The Champ, I agree. I don’t think I would receiving a surprise box of tampons would go that well with me. Although I have asked a time or two to pick up a box. But him just having the notion and springing it on me all willy nilly? Nah. Not a good move. Or look.
@The Champ,
“but i can’t see myself surprising her one day with a big ole bag of tampons”
Good. The following exchange may or may not go down. Don’t take the chance either way. *Miss Sophia* It’s not worf it, it’s not worf it:
(let’s call the guy Champ, and the girl…er…Champrisa)
Champ: Boo-boo, I got a surprise for you.
Champrisa: For meeeee?!
Champ: Yup. Close your eyes.
Champrisa: *closes eyes with glee*
Champ: Ok, open them! *extends hand with tampon box*
Champrisa: *glances at them*
Champ:
Champrisa: o_O
Champrisa: Um, what you tryna say, that just because I didn’t smile when you introduced me to your great-grandgrandma at the picnic yesterday that I musta been on the rag? *throat punch*
@Cheekie,
I love how you incorporated the throat punch into your vignette. Bravissimo!
dead@ Champrisa, that’s a name fo’ yo’ azz…lol
@miss t-lee & Cheekie
lmao yall are a mess!
@Cheekie, hilarious
@Ivyette,
3. Buying sanitary napkins or tampons for her. It’s an extra 10 points if he buys you anti yeast infection cream (hey, it happens sometimes)
*Guffaw, faint*
I’mma need him to stay off aisle 10…come back with some perfumed, dyed monstrosity and cause untold damage to our good times!
oh and RANDOM side note — i found the PERFECT xmas gift for my dad in brookstone (i was there looking for a massager… *winks at Liz*). brookstone’s where i found this toy helicopter similar to one my dad loved but mangled in a flight accident. i got a 2yr warranty so he can eff up that lil ‘copter as many times as he
will inevitably do because hes a terrible pilotlikes and get a replacement. hes probably terrorizing the kitchen walls while “in flight” as i type…ALL that to say — thanks brookstone (and Liz lol)!!!! you were a life saver
@The One & True GEM… of the Ocean, Brookstone has come thru for me many times in the gifts for the men in my life department.
@The One & True GEM… of the Ocean,
my parents bought themselves a cordless vacuum cleaner from brookstone the other day. sh*t looks like its from the future. i don’t trust it
@The Champ,
Lol. This sounds like the premise for an Aqua Teen Hunger Force ep.
@Me fail english?,
Aqua Teen Hunger Force
A fellow adult swimmer I see.
@Sula,
Yes, ma’am! I started thinking of the Robotic rooster of Christmas Past (I wonder how much of that should be capitalized???) that came from the pool of blood or whatever.
@Me Fail,
You capitalized just fine. And that was quite the hilarious skit. They slay me.every.time.
@Sula and Me fail english?,
I just gotta co-sign on the ATHF Robotic Rooster being hilarious. I love his discussion on “Santa of Claws” and when he was Turkeytron 3000 (2000?).
@The Champ, you should let them use is it on your polar bear kitchen rug
@Intellectual Hedonist,
you should let them use is it on your polar bear kitchen rug
was this a euphemism or a double entendre
I’d add living with the person (which may be an obvious addition or blasphemy…depending on how you look at it). Spending time with someone, dating, spending nights at each other’s place is all fine and dandy, but you never really know someone until you actually reside in the same habitat. My father has always encouraged me to do so and I believe it to be tried and true.
@Monk, I agree, but think it would be a hard sell for most black females…the ones I meet anyway. Their 2520 counterparts appear to not consider themselves in a serious relationship if they don’t cohabitate within 2 months of meeting.
It’s only when you live together that you get to realize how big a slob she actually is, whether you’d strangle each other if you were mad at each other and still had to occupy the same space (like you will once married), or how often you’d actually be able to come home to/or would want to surprise her with a nicely prepared meal.
@Monk,
(which may be an obvious addition or blasphemy…depending on how you look at it)
lol, how about “both’?
@Monk,
LOL @ blasphemy. while im not completely sold on the idea for myself, i do see why ppl move in together as the “next step” in being in a serious rel’ship. for me, i think if the person can compromise on and/or adapt to basic things, then its not necessary to live together. so what if he/she is a slob when they live by themselves? so what if they have OCD and get in your way while you’re tryna watch the game and he/she is cleaning the tv screen for the 8th time that hour? can you adjust? can they adjust? are both parties willing to make it work?
i think you can learn a lot about a person without living with them. because i doubt that sloppiness or awkward habits or bad tempers would necessarily ruin a rel’ship alone once you move in together. you will either decide to make it work or you wont.
@Monk, a precursor to this would be exchanging keys, you have the key to my place and I yours but we arent living together. Some couples I know, have opted not to shack up but hae keys to each other’s spots
@Intellectual Hedonist,
i actually prefer this to moving in. good on, e-prima!
“this lack of attention to the actual steps sometimes results in us spending so much time discussing points a and b that we’re ill-equipped to make the actual trip.”
Very true Champ, many people get so caught up in the whole forest that they can’t or don’t appreciate the beauty of the individual trees.
I would add the sickness stage. I have known actual people (females primarily) who while sick as ever would still get “done up” if someone was coming over. Getting to a stage where he/she can see you in all of your snotty glory is a big deal. Also the “this is what I really look like first thing in the morning” stage, (the episode of A Different World where Whitley calls the radio station to talk about putting the spark back in the marriage made me think of this cause in it she gets up ahead of Dwayne and dolls up then gets back into bed and pretends to wake up again which just seemed like too much to me. wait.. am I rambling right now? maybe? I’m sleepy. what was I saying.. oh yeah..) when you are okay with morning breath, eye crusties, drool lines and the like then that means something.
@Bajan Girl,
So true Bajan. When you find a man that not only wants to spend time with you while you are not so well, but will happily fulfill a Honey-Do-List (shopping, laundry, heating a pot of chicken noodle soup) in an effort to take care of you is priceless.
I will tell any woman to be very cautious of that guy that cannot find the time to spend with you when it means he cannot get any time with you.
Another bonus, when you clean up those used kleenex for your sick mate that didn’t quite make it in the wastebasket.
@Bajan Girl,
I would add the sickness stage. I have known actual people (females primarily) who while sick as ever would still get “done up” if someone was coming over. Getting to a stage where he/she can see you in all of your snotty glory is a big deal.
good point, although i’m wondering if the sickness stage should be its own category or a addition to the sh*t stage
@Bajan Girl,
“I have known actual people (females primarily) who while sick as ever would still get “done up” if someone was coming over. ”
Good addition!
Though, the opposite of this happened to me a few weeks ago. This dude I JUST met (haven’t even gone out yet) asked me in the middle of the night while I was sick can he come over to my crib to see me. I was like, “naw”, and he was like, “You got your hairscarf on or somethin’? I don’t care!”
o_O
No.
@Cheekie,
Let’s break down the ways the young chap went wrong shall we?
1) We’ve just met and you’re trying to come over.
2) You’re trying to come over in the middle of the night, no less and I just met you.
3) You really thought I wasn’t trying to let you see me in my headscarf?
4) You’re trying to post up over at my crib while I’m sick.
Let me guess– No call back?
@miss t-lee,
Check and mate.
@Cheekie,
LOL fa real. dont rush he stages. see me at my best for now. take these first few weeks (to months) to appreciate the me i want you to know/see. if either of us is worth our weight in gold, there will be plenty of time to see the REAL and awkward me.
@Cheekie, That’s cute! You must not be feeling this dude, cuz if you were feelin’ him you would’ve thought it was cute and let him come over.
@Yonnie3k,
Eh. He was aiight. But, still, coming over to my crib AND in the middle of the dayum night and we just met…and haven’t actually gone out? Yeah, he continued to call at only that time when I just happened to be home. Booty call, much? And he kept pursuing me under the guise that he actually wanted a real relationship with me. Boy, please. lol
@Cheekie,
Booty call, much?
Good call!
@Cheekie,
lol @ this dude.
And FTR I look damn cute in my head tie. It’s the bonnet that’ll make Pookie side-eye me. heh heh heh
@Me fail english?,
“And FTR I look damn cute in my head tie. It’s the bonnet that’ll make Pookie side-eye me.”
‘Word’ on both counts.
In fact, when I was in college, I had HELLA dudes hollerin’ at me from their cars while I was just walking down the street in my headwrap or headscarf. For some reason unbeknownest to me, they were mostly Mexican. *sincere shrug*
Goodness, this list is awesome. I laughed and I agree with you completely. Although I’d rather my hubby give me the money for clothing items, he should at least know my taste should he venture out on his own.
As for #3, I had a real problem doing that for a long time. My hubby finally had to say, ‘baby, everybody poops’ for a lack of better words. It took a while still, but I got over myself.
Again, awesome, hilarious list.
Ki
Welcome back btw, I wasn’t around yesterday so I’m doing it now
@Kijuana,
As for #3, I had a real problem doing that for a long time. My hubby finally had to say, ‘baby, everybody poops’ for a lack of better words. It took a while still, but I got over myself.
so, if you were around him and you had to go, what would you do? you must have a strong-ass sphincter.
so I just wrote this long rambling comment.. and it went where?
n-t-who… what I had said was..
the “this is what I really look like first thing in the morning stage” and the “i’m sick and random fluids are dripping from areas north of my neck” stage
@Bajan Girl,
so I just wrote this long rambling comment.. and it went where?
there’s a family of racist and xenophobic elves that handle our moderation. you must have said something to piss them off
@The Champ,
ahh I see…
I will govern myself accordingly going forward.
i think the vacationing alone but together stage is also important… means you’re not (yet) something/someone i need to take a break from….
@J. Delicious,
lol, i’d think that vacationing alone (without your longtime mate) actually says more than vacationing together does
@The Champ,
Funny. Our first group vacation will be in a month but we’ve gone away plenty just the two of us. In fact, we took a wknd to AC before we were (arguably — depending on which one of us you ask. HA!) “official”. I mean, who doesn’t like vacations
.
@Me fail english?,
who doesn’t like vacations?
God
@The Champ, God likes vacations, that’s why on the 7th day “He rested”
@Intellectual Hedonist,
i get the feeling that was more of a “stay-cation” . i imagine it to be pretty difficult to be omni-present yet away. then again, he’s the Almighty. anything’s possible, right??
@The One & True GEM…of the Ocean,
“i get the feeling that was more of a “stay-cation” . i imagine it to be pretty difficult to be omni-present yet away. then again, he’s the Almighty. anything’s possible, right??”
This comment wins the internets.
@J. Delicious, I agree with that one. And also being able to stay together while traveling is a big deal. Otherwise, this list is pretty much perfect.
I like the “Comfortable Silence” stage. When you two can sit together and not feel forced to talk and the silence not be awkward. You’re not bored, you haven’t run out of things to talk about, you’re not mad – you’re just comfortable. Maybe you’re spooning, cuddling, watching the game/a movie, maybe you’ve just finished dinner and the itis is taking over but wh’rezin ever you may be, it’s OK for y’all to just be.
For me that’s the point where I know we’re good. I don’t have to try to entertain or impress you and I know you’re some one I want spend extended amounts of time with. That’s what I got.
@Madame Zenobia,
That ‘comfortable silence’ stage is real, though some people don’t deal well with quiet interaction….like something’s wrong if you’re not vocally engaging one another. I’m a fairly quiet dude…very comfortable with just doing me, so if I don’t have anything to say to you, but I still want to be in your presence, it says a lot about the way I feel about a woman.
@Madame Zenobia, you are correct. That means more than many folks realize. Being happy together doing nothing is something many miss. Saturday afternoons reading the paper on opposite ends of the couch and the only noise in the room is maybe some soft music from the speakers of the radio or not.
@Madame Zenobia,
in environmental psych, in undergrad, my professor called this, “shared solitude.” it’s one of the healthiest things couples can do. good stuff!
@Madame Zenobia,
To the comfortable silence stage, I’ll add the “we can both enjoy separate hobbies while hanging out together phase”… where I will be doing my blog trolls or reading or doing some other mundane things and he will be playing a video game or watching a game in the comfortable and easy silence of a sunday afternoon while sprayed out on the living room couch…
I relish those moments…
Benchmarks, tiremarks…
1. You make investments in you alls sex life… Like ky jelly.
2. Can stand to look at them after sex.
3. You discuss what you want to improve on as far as your physical appearance with them.
4. U can share hair brushes.
5. You help them clean up the love juice after knockin boots.
6. They bring you back some of what they were eatin earlier at lunch.
7. They hold conversation with your moms, talking about yo black azz.
8. They can wash your dishes when they had nothing to do with dirtying them.
9. Their family amends you alls break-ups.
10.They’ll blow your nose like moms used to do on the bus-stop when it was cold as a polar bears toes.
11. They start making plans for you.
12. They style their hair the way you like it.
13. Your first name becomes daddy.
14. They know yo schedule better than you do, when u get off, start vacation, etc.
15. Lastly, you start making “me time” because any other time your with them and you all have become one.
@The Hallway, I agree with many of benchmarks but I especially like number 12. Our grooming and appearance is something a lot of us put much thought and consideration into. So when I want to get my hair cut but settle for only a trim instead because my guy likes my hair means that I care about his thoughts and preferences. Just like he has sports his nicely groomed scuff because he knows I love to feel it against my skin. And he looks so damn cute. LOL
@The Hallway,
10.They’ll blow your nose like moms used to do on the bus-stop when it was cold as a polar bears toes.
this is gay.
cool, but gay.
kind of like andrew sullivan.
@The Hallway,
4. U can share hair brushes.
i have a no tolerance policy on ANY woman using my brush (except amber rose). women shed like dogs and that sh*t never comes out
i kicked a babe out for using my brush after i vehemently advised her otherwise. treason will not be tolerated.
@Carver The Great, I agree, I don’t even like seeing my own hair in a comb or a brush and you are not going to use mine or expect that I use yours. Definite no-no
@Carver The Great,
women shed like dogs and that sh*t never comes out
this is true. women are some shedding ass muthaf*ckers
@The Hallway,
“7. They hold conversation with your moms, talking about yo black azz.
9. Their family amends you alls break-ups.”
Good ish! This is a huge step. And I’d add to #7, an even bigger one is when you talk to moms, tia, abuela, the whole crew and it’s NOT about him. Another is when they start teaching you how to cook what they cook.
Note: Sometimes this NEVER happens as his mama n’em are just dull as dandruff so this isnt really a necessary step.
13. Your first name becomes daddy
Am I the only one that is disgusted by this? Everytime I heard that Twista song, it made me wanna throw up in my mouth a little. And don’t call me mommy either!! Or mami! Maybe you can call me ma – but I’ve never dated anyone who talks like that (makes me think of a real young NY dude).
,
@Yonnie3k,
“Am I the only one that is disgusted by this?”
Nope…I can’t stand that ish. Call you what?! FOH.
To each their own though.
@Yonnie3k,
Not in the slightest!!
I wrote a whole rant about the whole friggin’ calling a man Daddy bit.
I have a dad and I love him very much. I don’t need a surrogate Dad and especially one with whom I will be pretzeling my way around with.
What is up with all that Daddy shet anyways? Ugh! Disgusting.
@Sula,
See the thing is your father is your pops.
Your man is yo mothaf^ck!n Daddy.
@The Hallway,
Your man is yo mothaf^ck!n Daddy.
Ewwww! Just picturing me calling my man “Daddy” makes me want to *blech*!
Going along with number 2, I think being able to “conversate and shit” with family members when you’re not around is a good one too! As well as referring to family members as if you’re already married. It could be his lil cousin, but because you all have become so close, it’s now your lil cousin/our lil cousin.
Idk I’m just sayin. Ppl do hijack family members. I had an ex that started callin my mother, mom a tad bit too early for my liking. And even had my lil niece refer to him as her uncle 0_o
Oh and I’d say meeting distant relatives is a good benchmark as well. Not only do the immediate know you exist, but aunt bertha down in the delta is already reserving you a seat right next to her at the next family reunion!!
@GEELA,
Gotta be careful with that whole family hijack thing. My ex and I broke up in 1999. She is now married with kids. She and the kids spent New Year’s weekend with my mom (as they do every year and at times in between). This past summer my mom kept her kids for a week while she and her husband went on vacation.
Extended family members still ask about her, and to this day, they compare every S.O. I bring home to her. My half brother still calls her on holidays.
@Caballeroso,
Extended family members still ask about her, and to this day, they compare every S.O. I bring home to her. My half brother still calls her on holidays.
that must suck
@The Champ, The comparison thing got to be a bit much, but when I checked them on it they realized the error of their ways…didn’t fully stop them, but it’s manageable now.
@Caballeroso,
Your mom is an angel!!! Or your Ex must have been a real nice person.
But I agree with The Champ… It must suck. Sorry
for having an awesome girl you let get away?@Sula, LMAO!! You ain’t sh!t.
@Yonnie3k,
I aim to
pleaseappease.@Sula, Yes, mom is awesome. The ex and I are still friends. We broke up because she tried to justify her cheating and former cocaine use by saying I wasn’t ready to put a ring on it. Besides that, given my mental state at the time, marriage would have led to divorce court anyway. I (and she) have matured greatly since then.
@Caballeroso,
I like mature break ups. It’s a good look.
@Caballeroso,
That’s pretty dope that yall could be cool ex’s after that kind of break-up. Speaks highly of both of your characters. I know couples that turned to mortal enemies cuz dude hated her meatloaf.
@Caballeroso, i have this issue too. His family members constantly invite me to “family” events (weddings, birthday’s, graduations, family reunion) I typically do not attend as to not have to have his SO or him feel awkward during this event. But sometimes it is difficult. This weekend I will be at his best friend’s 40th birthday party. Where I will see all his family and his Best Friend’s family and they will treat me like family.
@Intellectual Hedonist,
Her husband and I are cool and I treat their kids like a neice and knephew so it’s all good…that is, until my new S.O.’s realize she’s an ex and not just a family friend…then it becomes problematic.
@Caballeroso, I haven’t even met my ex’s SO and already know its problematic. She is threatened by our history and since we all grew up together and his boys are in essence my boys I know Sat is going to be a problem.
@Intellectual Hedonist, Good luck…hope everything works out, but take your gun just in case.
@Caballeroso, psssht… I wish she would, really his family would open and armageddon of whoop a$$ on her
@Caballeroso,
Yeah, that’s going to be a big old HELL NAH from any potential SO’s…
I had one who BEAT ME to my dad’s bed side after a slight cardial infarction…so image the look on the CURRENT SO’s face when we walk in and see the ex~boo fluffing pillows…
No es bueno!
That picture and it’s caption is freakin hilarious.
“personally, i think its a bit odd to be ok with catching kids on your chest but still freaked out about farting, …”
I know right?! CRA AAAZY but that’s real.
I’ve never passed gas around a dude…. *shrug*.
@Made In Hawaii,
I’ve never passed gas around a dude…. *shrug*.
not even a silent one?
@Made In Hawaii,
“I’ve never passed gas around a dude…. *shrug*.”
I’d hate to see what your insides look like.
@Humble_One,
lol
@Made In Hawaii,
I’ve never passed gas around a dude…. *shrug*.
Never, not at all?? Are you comfortable doing that in front of your friends? Because maybe you are just not comfortable with the idea is all, no?
@Sula,
I don’t recall a moment of being like, “Uh oh. Hope he doesn’t smell or hear this one. *eek*.”
I guess there is a possibility that I have but I just can’t think of such an uncomfortable moment and THAT would be one for me.
I’m not comfortable doing it in front of friends nor fam but really, I’m just not a gassy person period. That’s not to say it doesn’t happen… guess I just time my restroom visits well (???) :-\
this sentiment extends to burping, bleeding, and any other bodily function.
So true…I’ve met/known several women who are snorers/heavy droolers during sleep…generally not a good look. On the one hand, a woman who’s comfortable enough around you to fall asleep on you/in your bed is a good thing (so I’m told), but when she sounds like a wounded wildebeest or, worse yet, leaves a long a$$ trail of saliva on your chest or pillow (pillow smelling like breath…ya’ll know what I mean)…it’s alot for a man to process…But if he looks down at you, with your silk headscarf on and mouth all agape, REM in full effect…and he still thinks that you’re a dime in spite of all that, then you’ve reached a special benchmark indeed.
@DG,
but when she sounds like a wounded wildebeest or, worse yet, leaves a long a$$ trail of saliva on your chest or pillow (pillow smelling like breath…ya’ll know what I mean)…it’s alot for a man to process
don’t forget about the morning breath, that makes you think she drank the entire mississippi river
i’m not too sure about farting (impressively at that) in front of your partner. that’s just me…
@Gugu,
welcome and sh*t
and, trust me. you’ll feel much better if you let one rip
Champ, it seems that you are really get this thing called being in a relationships. Good job and very good points. I don’t know how much of the stuff you write you actually believe and practice but you put forth a very convincing front if you believe otherwise.
As for buying clothes for your mate, it’s one of those things that I file under it’s the small things that matter category. It seems in today’s society many people get stuck on seeking profound, philosophical exchange in their mates that really leads to nothing but miss or overlook the little things like how you like your coffee despite the fact you have shared conversation over a few cups of coffee nearly every Saturday for the past 6 months. It’s those little things like knowing my dress size or making sure the restaurant we go out to do not use peanut oil that I really love about my then boyfriend now husband.
And yes not only me using bathroom at his place but him taking a leak while I was in the bathroom bathing or brushing my teeth before we got married that was evident we were quite comfortable with each other and our relationship.
I think another thing is when you can leave your stuff at their place in plain view and it’s still in that spot when you return in a day or two or three. And even more important that type of stuff you are allowed to leave. I used keep a box of personals under my guy’s sink and he was not bothered by it.
@Raqi,
Champ, it seems that you are really get this thing called being in a relationships.
lol, theres a few women out there (including mt girl) who might not agree with you, but thanks and sh*t anyway
With regards to #1, having to tell my man that the jeans or shirt he bought be was too small might be a little embarrassing plus I don’t want to see any judgement on his face the next time he sees me inhaling a cheeseburger. “Baby, you sure you don’t want to order a salad” is not what’s up.
@smanakins,
yeah, the salad route probably isnt the best road to travel. i usually just suggest that they put some more lettuce on the burger
A few other hurdles:
1. Asking him/her to checkout that irritating little ingrown hair pimple you have that has surfaced in the most pretzel twisting place.
2. Eating from each other’s plate. (Tricky one)
3. Sharing a spoon or straw. Now this one really baffles me when it comes to some people. They will not eat from a spoon that their date/mate/partner is using, yet they forget that they spend hours within a month swapping spit not to mention other body fluids.
4. When you are fine and dandy doing nothing together.
5. Your parents actually ask you to bring him to dinner on Sunday afternoons.
6. He can hold a conversation with your father and they both are genuinely smiling. LOL
7. They consider you when speaking about the future or upcoming weekend plans.
@Raqi,
“1. Asking him/her to checkout that irritating little ingrown hair pimple you have that has surfaced in the most pretzel twisting place.”
That’s love right there!!!
@miss t-lee, LOL Yeah that and that ingrown toenail.
@miss t-lee,
i used to take my tweezers and get-ta-gettin on my ex’s ingrown facial hair. he HATED it. but i was like i refuse to let you walk around with these ugly bumps on your face!! crazy lookin skin shall not be tolerated!!
betcha a dollar he walks around lookin a damn mess these days…
@The One & True GEM… of the Ocean,
LOL!!! I wasn’t talking about on the face. *sniggling*
Groom yo’ mayne girl.
You was still in love though!
The sh*t thing we got over pretty fast the hardest part for me was the monthly bleeding part.I just wanted to be alone for those 5 days but he insisted that I stay over and cuddle.
@Stustustudious,
well, at least he didnt insist that you still have sex
@The Champ,
well if thats what he wanted…
LLS… Happy New Year VSB’s and VSS’, may it be filled with love and laughter and joy untold, whether you are in a relationship or single and unattached…… lets live every moment to the fullest upright and just!
@OrangeStar616,
ummm, thanks?
@OrangeStar616,
I’m hoping someone retires “live life to the fullest” as the most overused cliche amongst black people online. I will be there with a shovel.
@CPT Callamity, LOL geesh…..I like that phrase……its a sight better than live mediocre LOL
and your welcome Champ……sorry sometimes I can’t relate to serial monogamists, NTTAWWT *kanye shrug*
I only really agree with the last one. The first two, don’t really equal a benchmark in the relationship to me, personally. I would like to add, going on vacay with your SO, really signifies a benchmark in my mind..
@QueenT,
anything else?
@The Champ, LOL! I know I usually have alot more to say. I’m weary Champ…all that posting on yesterday wore me out. I got you tomorrow…..
@QueenT,
“going on vacay with your SO”
I agree 100%. I learned a lot about my ex-boyfriend just from going on one vacation. We didn’t plan well together and couldn’t agree on activities that we both enjoyed doing. These were all signs that the end was near.
@QueenT,
vacation is definitely a big deal…when we decide to be trapped under your cloud of mushiness and answering questions you know the answer to just to have the opportunity to beat all day and see you parade around in a bikini then we must actually like/love you.
Does buying him underwear count as clothes?
I think a significant benchmark is when you realize that it no longer matters who picks up the check.
@Michele,
I think a significant benchmark is when you realize that it no longer matters who picks up the check.
good point. and yeah, drawers matter. no chick is gonna buy drawers for a dude who’s just her “winter boo”
@Michele,
Yeah the drawers is a bigger deal to me than the clothes. Socks, shampoo just stocking him up on stuff he needs in general means you’re not only paying attn but probably moreso than him.
Nothing says lovin like a good ole Dutch Oven. I love a woman who can appreciate a sentimental waft of my internal nature. Serious though…the only time #3 is taken too far is when she don’t flush.
@CPT Callamity,
“Nothing says lovin like a good ole Dutch Oven”
You are evil sir…lmao
@CPT Callamity, “Nothing says lovin like a good ole Dutch Oven.” LMAO!
*side note* is there any way to get VSB comments via email without actually leaving a comment?
@IVR,
*side note* is there any way to get VSB comments via email without actually leaving a comment?
good question
I like all three of these bechmarks. I totally agree with all of them. I think another benchmark is being able to read one another. I like the feeling that I can look over at my man during a trying time and he knows exactly what I need to hear to make me feel better. If it’s a brand new situation then he will just look at you and give you what I like to call the “doo-doo” face.
@HamptonUSista,
benchmark*
@HamptonUSista,
I like the feeling that I can look over at my man during a trying time and he knows exactly what I need to hear to make me feel better.
this sounds like some borg sh*t
@The Champ, lol maybe it is mayb it is (throwin up secret hand sign)
@HamptonUSista,
I give up on this happenining in my rel’ship. *sigh* Thankfully he’s good listener and what he doesn’t know from observation he’s willing to learn.
Great list Champie Poo Poo!
While I don’t agree with point number 2, occasional conversation are cool. Are daily conversation okay? At what point is my man talking to my girl crossing the line? I recently saw a friendship go through rocky times over a boyfriend FB chatting with his girl’s friend nightly. *shrugs*
My additions:
1) Going on vacations together (nothing fancy or expensive. Leaving the state will do).
2) When a man is willing to walk his girl’s toy poodle in 6 inches of snow. This sight ALWAYS makes me laugh. I can just imagine the girl friend sitting in her warm apartment drinking hot chocolate.
3) Changing the litter box for your mate’s cats while they are away on vacation. *chuckling*
4) When you have figured out the little things that make him/her smile. Surprising him/her with something that required more thought than money.
@Ivy St.,
LOL. The pets thing is cute…but it’s also making me question my rel’ship with BF! Why won’t he let me go to the park by myself with our pitbull?! Yes, the dog has about 70 pounds on me but he’s very well behaved. He’d never disobey Mommy
@Ivy St.,
whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy do i have a picture of your bf stomping his feet trying to get your cats out from under your bed and out of your room?!?! i still LM*damn*AO every time i think about buying a cat, cuz it inevitably leads to that image. ha-larious. thank you for telling me that story. it brightens my day EVERY time.
The Ultimate benchmark:
When your woman tells you “I’m late”…and you don’t take off running like a guest on Jerry Springer…
That’s that next-level type of commitment right there…lol
@DG,
When your woman tells you “I’m late”…and you don’t take off running like a guest on Jerry Springer…
what if you just faint?
@The Champ,
lmao!
Been giving this some thought. BF (I gotta find a better VSB nickname for him) hadn’t had an actual “girlfriend” for five years before me so most of these stages that took time he just jumped right into. That said, here are some things that have signified to me its gwinnin’ (haha):
-The first time I had to settle his insurance claim. He had a surgery and they were tryna pay more than his damned deductible. He aint even notice! Anyhow, once a man let’s you in on his medical history, credit card bill and SSN all at once I’d say it’s moving.
-The first time he leaves you in his apartment alone for hours at a time.
-The first time he makes one of his friends do something for you (giving you a ride from the train station, helping move). This is more stuff that (if you ask me) happened before we were “official” so it seemed extra sweet.
-The first time I took him to hang out with my neices. They’re like my kids so that is a HUGE deal for me. And they love him!
@Me fail english?,
“BF (I gotta find a better VSB nickname for him)”
Sometimes people use a derivative of their own screename, like “Mr. Cheekie” or some mess. Maybe, “me fail literature?”
@Cheekie,
Maybe, “me fail literature?”
You are such a gem Cheekie! Hilarity!
@Cheekie,
mr cheekie sounds like the headline stripper at a club in my version of hell
@The Champ,
Oh, my…
lmao
@Cheekie,
*Dead*
@Me fail english?,
The first time he leaves you in his apartment alone for hours at a time.
I remember the first time I did that with the SO…*insert dramatic eye roll and lawdamercy sigh*
I called up my Ace Companero and was like, “Yo!!!! I left dude at my place all unsupervised!” Had folks dropping by to drop off fern seeds, miscellaneous buttons and tweezers, just so he wouldn’t be there too long without a watchful eye! (*looks back and chuckles…*)
I liked all 3 of the stages..except I don’t agree with stage 2 (b) and stage 3. 1st talking to your friends while your aren’t around okay I can see if you seen them on the street and you said a little hello! But talking on facebook no not going to happen..guess I am little bitter cuz I found out my ex did that on Saturday and he was talkin to an ex-friend that friend requested him in which he added her, and I guess they were talking about how I am not friends with her anymore grrr makes no sense…okay yeah I am just venting a little here…and um stage 3…now I’m not saying I actually do this but I’m jus saying…that being okay with “catching his kids” lol on your chest but not okay with farting doesn’t make sense?!..omg! Same day Saturday case in point maybe there was some catching of the kids maybe not but there was damn sure some farting on purpose going on!! I was heated..I told him to get out!! Why would I want to have sexual relations with you after you farted?! Huge turn-off..but that is just me…
@Ms.Lucretia B.,
I liked all 3 of the stages..except I don’t agree with stage 2 (b) and stage 3.
lol, so what exactly did you like about them if you didnt agree?
@The Champ, lol okay yeah I forgot to say that I did like the part about being comfortable buying clothes and meeting your friends and passing with flying colors if that leaves anything to like after I bashed everything else, don’t mind me going through somethings
@Ms.Lucretia B., You kicked somebody out of your house for farting? Don’t take this the wrong way but…how old are you? I mean, EVERYBODY FARTS!! Its one thing if he laughed about it or held your head under the covers…but if he just passed gas and said excuse me…. What do you want him to do? Keel over in pain? Sheesh!
@Yonnie3k, Actually he intentionally did it so that means he was being immature. I understand we may be comfortable around eachother but that is just nasty if your doing it on purpose and I was making a long story short but a whole bunch of other things that went on as well…oops my bad for not clarifying…
Don’t really have too much to add here.. think its all been covered.. Great post Champ!!
By the way, Champ and PJ – I’m so glad you guys are back!!! Y’all had me feenin for some VSB over my Christmas vacay LOL.
@BKSweetheart,
thanks and sh*t. we’re glad you were feenin as well
O_O
…
*flatlined*
Why you had to put that caption on that picture Champster?
@Cheekie,
because you can never have too many fart jokes
@The Champ,
You may be right.
ok y’all know me I have a story to tell
the funniest story I know about crossing a benchmark point in your relationship happened to one of my sorority sisters in college. She was dating this Alpha, great guy, good lookin, smart, popular. They had been dating a while and were very comfortable with one another. Thing is that dude has a prosthetic arm, he has a limb from his shoulder to just above his elbow. So on one particular evening they are going to bed and he decided to remove the prosthesis, up to this point he had not done so. I would say he was pretty comfortable with her. She said she almost died, cause that was real new to her.
The End
@Intellectual Hedonist,
you sure this actually happened and that you’re not thinking about a scene from “i’m gonna git you sucka”?
@The Champ, dude that I am talking about was actually in the movie Crooklyn
@Intellectual Hedonist,
WHOA
Not sure if this has been mentioned above or not.. but a milestone for me is when I stopped drowning myself in bath and body works and victoria secrets every bath and worrying about morning breath.
Yep when I soaps it up with regular old Dial soap and apply cocoa butter to just my knees, elbows and feet… we in love…LMAO
The word is converse; not conversate. It is not a real word. Therefore we should tell people the correct word to use so they no longer sound ignorant. Jesus Love You
@Standard of Excellence HU2010, actually I dont think Jesus loves the Champ.. sad but quite possibly true
@Standard of Excellence HU2010,
thank you, captain obvious.
is there anything else you’d like to clear up for me? would you mind letting me know if water is still wet, or if my wang still tastes like almond joy? i have an idea, but i’m not sure.
@The Champ,
iCackled.
I hate you for making me laugh this loud at work…lmao
@miss t-lee,
I know right? Especially when the English teacher makes an obvious subject-verb agreement mistake… It makes it even more hilarious.
@Sula,
*cackling sommore*
I totally missed that on the first read.
Good eye!
@Sula,
lol.. I had to read that like four more times. But since technically Jesus was from the hood, I believe we can let that slide.
@The Champ,
LOL dang champikins. i dont think the newbies realize we use “bad” english and grammar on purpose round these parts. give her (?) a break!!
@The Champ,
BWAHAHA. Almond joy!
@Standard of Excellence HU2010,
“Jesus Love You”
lol…adding this at the end of chastizing someone for using the word “conversate” makes me imagine Judgement Day when Jesus is strollin’ about inviting folks to heaven and rebuking others. All, “Um, I have here, Mr. Champ, that on January 5th, two-ought-one-ought, you committed the sin of using the word “conversate”. To the fiery pits of hell with you!”.
@Cheekie, I almost jumped my older brother’s gf (now an ex) over something like this, because after I cursed her out and kicked her out of my parent’s house she said “God Bless You” Her tone was so blasphemous, God didnt like it and made me lunge towards her. If my brother had not pushed her out the front door of the house and slammed the door shut I would probably be submitting this comment from the Adult Correctional Facility <= true story
another relationship benchmark is when s/he gives you their direct line phone number at work or their work phone number (as opposed to you seeking it out).
Got a few more benchmarks (male-specific)
1) Awareness of generally feminine stuff (i.e., knowing the prescribed medication for recurring yeast infections, or knowing the difference between Yakki #12 and #36)…
2) When you find yourself using Dove or Caress soap at your own spot
3) When you know her cycle better than she does
That is all…
@DG,
knowing the difference between Yakki #12 and #36
Too funny!
@DG, You forgot #4- the minute you find yourself eating your girl’s Activia and Nabisco 100 snacks, you should consider collectively shopping for cloth furniture.
My Ads by Google row o’ links for this entry is hilarious:
“Ads by Google Burp Fart Fart Girl Fart Machine 2 Fart Button”
Swallowing doesn’t mean what it used to. Just fyi.
Double J is back.
@double j, I so agree with you. Men use to be so happy when a chick would swallow. My ex would be like “youre in love aint cha?” Now it has changed to something a lot of men expect so it doesnt carry the same oomph as it once did. Plus once we found out that it really does not whiten our teeth the sh*t hit the fan.
Oh I forgot. When your man sees what your real hair looks like for all my weave and wig wearing sistas ( I am one of those chicks at times but I have my own short haircut more often then not.) I know a man who literally just recently saw his gf’s real hair for the first time after a 4 year relationship. That’s a benchmark to me. But many will never reach it sadly because some chicks act like it’s some secret society sh*t where no man (unless he is the stylist) is invited.
When you convert the life long swine-eater to a life of turkey chops and Morning Star bacon forever more….that my friends, is true love.
@Neighborhood Hussy,
I shall cosign that with a tambourine and a chorus of Handel’s Messiah!
(Poor SO didn’t know what hit him when he looked up 6 months later and hadn’t had meat)