- yeah, b*tch. i know you see those feathers.
in order to efficiently survive a recession, a time putting excessive strain on employment, friendships, romance, and finance, you need to be able to sell yourself better than karrine stephens.
today, as another example of how seriously the verysmartbrothas take our crime-fighting ideals, the champ has decided to bless the vsb pulpit with seven recession-proof ways to make yourself seem much more important than you really are.
take notes and sh*t
1. initialize yourself
be creative. don’t let thomas dexter jakes and john pierpoint morgan have all of the fun.
for instance, if you’re sadly deemed cephus tyrone jackson on your drivers license, but your pops last name was smith, think of how much more aka and delta snatch you’d get with c.t. jackson smith on your business cards or stitched into your shirt cuffs.
while professional b*tches merely like the smiley face, they love upwardly mobile initialed n*ggas
2. dress unnecessarily and excessively formal
walking to the market district giant eagle to pick up some milk? throw on that $75 $500 suit you copped at banana republic‘s 85 percent off end of summer sale last week
first fridays at the club? two words: bowtie, b*tches.
if that doesn’t work? next time, three words: tux with tails
casual day at work? f*ck no. for you casual day doesn’t exist. be casual when you’re dead. so what if its 93 degrees and you’re at the company summer beach volleyball game, you’re damn important, and your sandy khakis and tweet blazer soaked in seven gallons of your important as hell sweat proves it.
3. rock lapel pins
as the champ continues to prove, nothing says “i’m important, b*tch. you must hire or fellate me immediately” like a shiny faux gold or aluminum pin attached to your suits. who cares if the pin itself actually came from a bulk pack of good & plenty’s, nobody pays attention to what those sh*ts actually say anyway
4. always put people on hold when they call
so what if you’re about as busy as black rob and and no one has actually called you in 197 hours, putting people immediately on hold as soon as they call you lets everyone know exactly how important you are.
this also gives them the pleasure of knowing that while your important ass has other important sh*t to do, they’re important enough to make you momentarily pause your important ass activity. a win win for all involved.
5. use big-ass words
why say “hey, i thought of a couple new ideas for work” when “hey, i metacognitivately allocated a novel paradigm shifting construct to augment our professional purlieus” works even better??
who cares if you’re likely to frequently induce aneurysms for your audience, you’re important dammit, and its their unimportant ass duty to figure your important ass out
6. organize meetings and sh*t
while you’re definitely important enough to do things by yourself, unnecessarily inviting other people to witness and participate in mundane sh*t only adds to your importance aura.
organize a group carpool to the dry cleaners. invite a dozen people over to watch espn desportes. call a staff meeting to discuss office fridge freezer ice replacement. make an 8 way group conference call to discuss the time of the next conference call.
the possibilities are endless
7. always use a goblet
as an expert in fabricated self-importance, i carry a goblet on me at all times.
it doesn’t matter if the only things i’ve actually drank in the last week were brita, vitamin water, and raspberry kool-aid, nothing says, “damn, that’s obviously an important ass muthaf*cker” than the look on a confused chic-a-fila cashier’s face when you ask if she can fit your entire peach milkshake in a quarter liter goblet with “le champ” embroidered near the rim.
there you have it. seven surefire ways to always keep your bed warm, your inbox full, and your ass employed.
i’m sure i’m missing a few. any additions?
—the champ
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{ 324 comments… read them below or add one }
If you come dressed to the club in a tux, I think you get might more sales for bean pies and Final calls, then numbers
@eff yo couch, lmao!!! bean pies are the ish. the original though, i don’t do all the fancy flavors…but hey, according to this post maybe i should.
but..im not sure ANY kind of bean pie would be deemed that important, lol. oh well, i’ll sit my non-important arse on a bunch somewhere eating a bean pie.
i’ll be back in the am with more ways to be important.
@overitinNYC,
*smh* a black muslim hype about bean pie. could you be any more stereotypical??
@overitinNYC, “im not sure ANY kind of bean pie would be deemed that important,”
You have to be dressed up while eating the bean pie, with a large ring on whatever hand you eat with, while pretending to be on a conference call on a bluetooth. For guys the Malcolm X glasses (whose frame happen to match your tie) helps.
@overitinNYC,
“bean pies are the ish”
They ARE tasty. I remember as a kid, I thought they would be gross (because “bean pie” sounds like the soy equivalent of “mince meat pie”), but they are yummy. Haven’t had one in a hot min, though because it’s a recession.
@eff yo couch,
If you come dressed to the club in a tux, I think you get might more sales for bean pies and Final calls, then numbers
maybe its just a pittsburgh thing then, because we i happen to go out now i see groups of cats in there dressed like they were just in a wedding
@The Champ,
dudes did the bowtie thing hard core in ATL too. i know quite a few guys who live in diff parts of the country who rock them too.
@Gem of the Ocean, bowties are definitely the tie of self-absorbed i think i’m fly ninja.
i just can’t seem to tie mine right.
(joking, i actually don’t have a single bowtie and pretty much hate them…unless its in my pasta)
@Panama Jackson, bowtie pasta, eh? I’m a penne guy myself.
@Gem of the Ocean,
…guilty.
@Gem of the Ocean,
You would probably need one of Big Boi’s suits from Idlewild to pull off the bow-tie.
@Omar,
*sniggling*
@Gem of the Ocean,
not in my neck of the woods we dress hella casual wit jordans/nikes, jeans anda shirt wita collar fuqa bow tie wha i look like taye diggs
@BLUNTBLAZER,
“wha i look like taye diggs”
lol
@The Champ,
i think the nonsense is spreading. one of my boys had a rooftop party last summer. besides the fact that it was a ROOFTOP party, the evite jokingly had attire listed for ladies (heels, short shorts, etc.) and guys (no shorts sets).
why were there guys there in full on suits?!?!?!? i asked my boy about it, thinking maybe they had come straight to the party from somewhere else, trying to cut them some slack. nope. they were roasted endlessly. they wound up staying inside most of the night.
@SouthernGirl,
why were there guys there in full on suits?!?!?!? i asked my boy about it, thinking maybe they had come straight to the party from somewhere else, trying to cut them some slack. nope. they were roasted endlessly. they wound up staying inside most of the night.
they obviously all just came from somewhere extremely important
@The Champ,
I think should do a lesson on bowties.
1) If you have over a 20 inch neck, there is a reason it is difficult to find bow ties in your size, they know it looks dumb on you.
2) Bow ties already scream, “Hey look at me!”. When you wear a loud one it screams, “Hey, I’m the arsehole wearing a loud behind bow tie.”
3) And if I see another kneegrow in the club w/ an ascot on, I might fight.
@Peysonic Temple,
What in thee fook is an ascot?
A dude wearing one because of the name of said apparel alone is 84% gay.
@Dante_Alexander,
an overpriced scarf
@Peysonic Temple,
Wait… So not only is it called an “Ascot”, which in and of itself is a name that creates its own dirty imagery, but also a SCARF?
Dear Lord…
@Dante_Alexander,
Let me help you out…LMAO.
These have been envading around these parts also…*shaking my head*
http://www.bensilver.com/style04/knots_ascot.htm
@Dante_Alexander, think the red thing coming out of the shirt of Fred from Scooby Doo.
@Dante_Alexander,
I sometimes dab random chicks brows off with my scarf, and walk off like I did nothing. The facial expressions I get from this are priceless.
@Peysonic Temple,
Ascot’s should only be worn by people with british accents and titles of nobility. If one feels the need to fabricate said accent and title make sure your business cards have your (made up)title on it in front of you initials.
@Peysonic Temple,
3) And if I see another kneegrow in the club w/ an ascot on, I might fight.
luckily i havent seen this happen yet, because if i did i’d be tempted to beer spray that cat like the chick in the “nuthin but a g thing” vid
“can fit your entire peach milkshake in a quarter liter goblet with “le champ” embroidered near the rim.”
You are country and sh*t, Champ.
@An Uninspired Muse,
country deez
@An Uninspired Muse,
lol now that you highlight that comment i also remember that i wanted to ask the following: “how does one embroider something on nonfabric material, such as plastic, for your so-called goblet?”
@Gem of the Ocean,
He glued a piece of fabric on there first, duh
@Gem of the Ocean,
lol now that you highlight that comment i also remember that i wanted to ask the following: “how does one embroider something on nonfabric material, such as plastic, for your so-called goblet?”
you can engrave and sh*t also, although you risk the chance of being clowned at the engraving store because you asked them to engrave your name on a giant faux glass dave and busters goblet
@ the champ
and you can add being first to comment on VSB to the list
@eff yo couch, I have yet to pull that off cleanly…I gotta come with a post of substance and that digesting the initial post properly.
@Stuff Ghetto People Like,
a few months ago it was a literal death match, with multiple people leaving “first” comments at 12:02 until liz scared them away.
moral of the story: liz is important
I was feelimg this post till you said a goblet. A goblet? That’s very new to me, but I feel I’ve been following this for a while, I would add: if someone ask you an important question give an open ended word answer, it makes the person think alot more and gives you a regal look, trust me it works.
@Toussaintthefree,
or answering a question with another question
@Toussaintthefree,
That’s very new to me, but I feel I’ve been following this for a while, I would add: if someone ask you an important question give an open ended word answer, it makes the person think alot more and gives you a regal look, trust me it works.
what works even better is when someone is asking an extremely important question, and you walk away in mid-sentence. this show’s them that the question obviously isnt more important than you
@The Champ,
lmao
@Gem of the Ocean,
this famous coach did this to brian and i seven or so years ago while we were working at his camp. just turned around and walked away while brian was in mid-sentence. he also had cuffs on his khaki shorts, so that made him uber important
@Toussaintthefree, “gives you a regal look”
Or makes you look crazy. lol. I knew a guy who did this- it was so frustrating trying to talk to him.
@Toussaintthefree, yo son, my goblet game is vicious.
just yesterday my girl was like, what do you think you need to make your life better and i said, a new goblet with some blue diamonds around it. and it needs to say, chuuuch, in yellow diamonds.
yes, that would make my life complete.
@Panama Jackson,
The whole goblet thing just reminds me of Lil Jon!
@Ms. T,
Where is Lil Jon is he still alive?
He seems to have faded to obscurity right when the mess he helped spawn is at an all-time high…
Rappers with no lyrics should pay homage to Lil Jon.
@Omar,
“Where is Lil Jon is he still alive? ”
HAHA!
*Lil Jon pokes his head out of obscurity*
WHAAAAT?!
@Omar,
4real this is the first summer in hella years without a lil jon or nelly track wtf is up wit that
@ BLUNTBLAZER,
For some reason, I’m really okay with this.
@Omar,
Lil Jon said he came on the scene for just a couple of years to get some money screaming on records. Now he is just going to watch his paper stack! LOL
Real talk though, one would figure Lil Jon would just do like other producer cats: give his beats a new bounce and go for another run sliding them to others for a few more years.
Salutations, my good man! It would appear that this list was perchance pilfered from the Morehouse Orientation Self-importance Seminar. Heretofore, especially #’s 2 and 5. Your matriculation was clearly several fortnights ago, however. You forgot:
8. Speak with a British accent. Especially if the license plates on your box-body say “Stars fell on…” Everybody has to respect a colored Englishman from Alabama. Especially on 24′s.
9. Post pics of your vacation on the facebooks in carefully timed waves. Makes it seem like you go to the Islands damn near every bloody month. And since all beaches look the same, you can claim you were anywhere, even if you were just in Daytona. “Shole is a lotta ni**az in the South of France. Who knew.”
10. Carry a copy of the Financial Times with you at all times. The Wall Street Journal says you own a couple of shares GE. If you got the pink paper from London, though, you’re a player. Karachi, Istanbul, Prague, whatever. You got holdings there. You wipe your a$$ with 100 Euro notes.
11. Pay your office admin an extra $10 to tell incoming callers and visitors “The Colonel will see you now.”
@Brandon St. Randy,
the british accent works greatly. its also good to learn a few french cuss words like the merovingian in the matrix
@The Champ,
British dude on 24′s in the country lol im thinkn undercover piggy
@BLUNTBLAZER,
lol
@Brandon St. Randy,
Co-sign on the Financial Times
@Brandon St. Randy,
dead @ “Everybody has to respect a colored Englishman from Alabama.”
i love faking a british accent. i’ve heard mine is quite convincing. and not only do i SOUND more important, i FEEL more important.
and you are spot on about this~~> “It would appear that this list was perchance pilfered from the Morehouse Orientation Self-importance Seminar.”
@Gem of the Ocean,
i love faking a british accent. i’ve heard mine is quite convincing. and not only do i SOUND more important, i FEEL more important.
whenever i try to do it i end up sounding like a n*gga from pittsburgh who spent a summer in australia.
@The Champ,
AHAHAHA!
I have a soft spot for the cockney, myself. ‘Allo govnah’ type mess.
@Brandon St. Randy, MFs in the office always reading the pink paper….. I LOL when you see them carrying it to the toilet. It’s so major you gotta read it in the john
@Brandon St. Randy, 8. Speak with a British accent. Especially if the license plates on your box-body say “Stars fell on…” Everybody has to respect a colored Englishman from Alabama. Especially on 24’s.
you must have known me at morehouse. lol.
@Brandon St. Randy, The accent thing….YES! I think everyone with a British accent is smart & important LOL!
@Brandon St. Randy,
“8. Speak with a British accent. ”
Stringer Bell knows this. I mean, I know he was already sorta smart cuz he went to college and worse glasses and ish, but when he broke out that real life Idris Elba voice? He became a Mensa member. All refined and ish. *swoon*
Hell, British homeless folks are classier than us. “Would you be a peach and spot me a quarter, good sir?”.
I have a few, and some of them are observed while others actually have worked…
1. Never say anything concretely. Sheet, it works for politicians, right? “I can neither confirm nor deny these reports” “Preliminary indications are that we cannot ascertain the exact location of the artifacts which you speak of” and sheet.
When someone asks you a question, you say something like “I cannot fully describe what it is you’re asking me to describe. The exact location of said answer lies not with me” or some sheet… Never mind the chick asked you where the bathroom was.
2. Have a lackey. Seriously. For whatever reason, that lil bitty dog on Looney Tunes thought Spike was big and tough. But he’d never actually SEEN him fight or some sheet. Then when the lil doggie beats the lucky cat, Spike won’t stop being a lil beetch and doing whatever he says. Get you one of those. Why? Nothing says “powerful dude” like watching him emasculate another dude. TELL me Diddy ain’t drop a few draws JUST by bossing a homosexual Farnsworth Bentley around. You do something like THAT in a crowded place and don’t get your arse whooped… hell you MUST be important.
3. Say nothing, but carry a shiny arse Platinum Card and a nice smile. Just trust me. Whipping out your knot of “big faced Huuuunnnnniiiiiits” ain’t actually the biz, chief, unless you at the Body Tap… and them chicks ain’t gunnin for YOU, homie. Especially when it’s to pay for your white wine spritzer you lil beetch. Try a breath mint, and a Visa.
4. Give Daps and Pounds to random arse people. I’ve SEEN this work. When you talk to the bouncers and get in, dap em up. When you get a drink, dap up the ‘tender. When you get waited on, if the waitstaff’s hands aren’t full or covered with wasabi and Gin, dap him/her up. For some reason, it’s still all about who you know, so even if you don’t know anybody, you win. Really. As long as you don’t give an elongated and/or gay shake with only your fingertips or some sheet and the people you dap look at you like “That was the gayest handshake ever”. That would be counterproductive.
4. Be the designated driver, but have at least one drink in your hand. This may sound confusing, but make sure the group you’re going out with is HAMMERED drunk. Make sure there are a couple females in the group, too. Tell them you’ll hold onto all their money the whole night so they don’t do anything stupid. They’ll come to you throughout the night to cop the drinks and everything, and people will take notice, because they are nothing but gold diggers who want the ninja with the most cheese. After a while, people will come up to you as if you are a boss of some sort and strike up convo. This only works in clubs with small VIP sections, by the way. If they have a large one and you’re not in it, you’re just a douche designated driver.
@Dante_Alexander,
LOL! That list right there…so true. I think that’s a prerequisite for graduating from 830 Westview Drive SW. Come on cuz, why are you dappin’ the bathroom attendant…(smh)
Bond.
@BlkBond,
Because the bathroom attendant graduated from that very address a few years earlier. This is his “Side Hustle”.
Which should also have gone on my list…
@Dante_Alexander,
bathroom attendent? i thought those were only in the movies
@BLUNTBLAZER, hell, I thought those were only in L.A. clubs.
@BLUNTBLAZER, they are all over DC…. can’t dry your hands without feeling a guilty pang about not tipping the chick for handing you a paper towel
@klysha, I strictly get my own towel, because I ain’t tippin’ SHET to some dude standing in a restroom. And no, I don’t want to buy gum or candy in the restroom either.
@Dante_Alexander,
10 points for working ‘wasabi’ into this post.
@Dante_Alexander, The dap thing is true.
@Dante_Alexander,
pray-tell, if you’re a cat who prefers to always hold two drinks at the same time, how do i dap everyone?
btw, using “pray-tell” in a sentence is 63.7 percent gay
@The Champ,
If you insist on carry two drinks at once, you must follow these instructions:
1. Always START sipping one as soon as someone approaches and even LOOKS at you. IMportant people only care about their drink instead of live personal contact.
2. When someone walks up to you whilst you’re drinking, lean towards them with your off elbow and extend. They should oblige.
OR, you can extend the elbow you’re drinking with towards them, but that is only reserved for people you actually KNOW. It is also 76% gay when you do it this way to another dude. Why you want him all close to your face, b?
@Dante_Alexander,
2. When someone walks up to you whilst you’re drinking, lean towards them with your off elbow and extend. They should oblige.
this works, as does the slight head-nod of “i know im important, but you’re important enough to acknowledge” importance
@Dante_Alexander,
We might as well pack up and go home now, you just shut this post down.
Especially with the dap thing, I thought I was the only one who knew/did that lol
@Dorian G., definitely not the only people. i’m notorious for doing this.
though one of my boys topped this. freshman year we’re walking down the strip in the AUC and this fool sees a group of 6 chicks walking towards us.
what does he do?
opens his arms like he’s going to hug one of them. only problem is, he didn’t know any of them and none of them realized he didn’t know any of them either. so they parted liek the red sea while they wre trying to figure out who he was trying to hug…LOL. me and my boys died laughign as one of the chicks said, “ewww, who does he think he is…”
i think it fits.
@Dante_Alexander,
LOL @ your dissertation on how to seem more important even if you’re not. i mean the detailed description of the level of commitment you have to have to pull these things off is impressive.
cheerio.
@Gem of the Ocean,
Nothing says “I’m more important than you” like approaching how you’re going to falsely elevate your status like an assassination attempt on the president.
Discipline and wearing Prada to the Piggly Wiggly is what gets you noticed.
@Dante_Alexander,
You said it all. This is the list. This list is the reason that I seem so much important than I really am lol
I had one of them peach milkshakes yesterday…them joints is fiyah!
Oh and I almost choked on my coca cola @bowtie bitches
@shay-D-lady, Yeah peach milkshake are delicious. Have you tried the cookies and cream milkshake?
@Lr1127, have I tried them? s hyt I had to go through a 12 step program to move on to peach joint! LOL
@Lr1127,
The cookies and cream is the junk.
IDK—the thought of a peach milkshake is making my stomach turn.
@miss t-lee,
4real peach milkshake? dam yall cuntry lol
@BLUNTBLAZER,
Call Chick Fil-A country…not me…lol
(even though I am hella country at times)
@miss t-lee, girl that peach milkshake is delicious..not at all what you picture..
@shay_d_lady,
The jury is still out…I might get brave and try it one day.
@shay_d_lady,
that peach milkshake is delicious..not at all what you picture..
strangely enough, i heard the exact same thing about…
…wait, nevermind. its a thursday. im gonna play nice
@shay-D-lady,
you know, i still havent actually tried the peach either. i refuse to move from cookies and cream
@The Champ,
yo tambien.
@The Champ, grown ass mean drinking a cookies and cream milkshake?
41.8 percent gay
peach HAS to be like 64 percent gay straight up
@Panama Jackson,
Milkshakes and grown men are suspect no matter the flavor. Grown men should also not drink Rootbeer floats.
@Legendary Dash,
Milkshakes and grown men are suspect no matter the flavor. Grown men should also not drink Rootbeer floats.
i agree, but thats a bit of gayness im willing to swallow
that sentence was 92.7 percent gay, btw.
@shay-D-lady,
Speaking of milkshakes and how ghey they are:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FmOCYNlJa5g
That is proof that they are ghey.
Ok, I’m over here rollin’. WHY did he squeeze his man tig ol’ bitties together…he’s making it worse! Idiot…lol
always look down at people. even if you’re shorter than everybody.
@charli skipper,
so true. i’m 5’2, but i do this sh!t all the time.
nothing makes a b!tch feel smaller.
those of you in the ap section, try it sitting down. that makes it work-suitable.
@charli skipper,
“always look down at people. even if you’re shorter than everybody.”
lol, this reminds me of the glorious Bernie Mac “Milk and Cookies” segment when the short little sister who ran everything (“Where the cookies and sh*t”) looked Bernie Mac up and down “like [he] was short”. lmao
Ladies get Overly Dressed complete with oversize sunglasses, BlackBerry and a oversize bag on your wrist (because you have no job), to go to places like Starbucks. And talk on your phone while placing your order, nothing says important than the person who can walk into Starbucks and order a Venti, Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte with three splenda hold the whip. And you must say it fast like you drink these everyday.
@JamaicanGirl, Whoa…You cut deep with the lack of job thing. Thank goodness I don’t drink coffee!
@JamaicanGirl,
……………..i’m so ashamed…..except for the talking on the phone or having a blackberry, i did this all the time before i graduated last month…….and what! lol
@charli skipper, I admit i am guilty of some of this but i am only dressed up because i have somewhere to go after i leave there. The sunglasses and the BB is a staple to every outfit.
@JamaicanGirl, females have that phone sh*t down pat…whether it’s looking like they must not be interrupted when the phone is to their ear or blacking out completely like an X-Man as they dive into their texts or sweet tweets. Very self-important and very douchey.
@Stuff Ghetto People Like,
I hope they realize it makes them a target for violent crimes.
Both because they really have no fooking idea what’s going on about them from being distracted by the phone convo, or the fact that they’re speaking loudly about trivial dumb sheet that makes everyone else want to murder them eee-mee-jate-lee.
@Stuff Ghetto People Like,
whether it’s looking like they must not be interrupted when the phone is to their ear or blacking out completely like an X-Man as they dive into their texts or sweet tweets
lol, what kills me are the chicks who’ll be on the train texting away at 7:30 on the way to work. “who the hell can they possibly be talking to this early???” is usually the message i immediately post on twitter
@The Champ, we’re here on that, fam. Same women who don’t want any men not their bf to hit them up a minute before noon. I think a lot of them just like the act of texting. Maybe it’s akin to this Blackberry addiction I keep hearing about…
@Stuff Ghetto People Like,
“Same women who don’t want any men not their bf to hit them up a minute before noon”
please, that’s being nice. i don’t want nobody, male or female, calling my house before 11 am. if you ain’t seen me nekkid, you don’t get the sexy morning voice. it’s rules and regulations to this sh!t, lol.
@Stuff Ghetto People Like, Dante, & The Champ
um…bitter much? don’t be like that.
The hit dog charli skipper must be the girl who engages in this behavior
@charli skipper,
bitter deez
1. Never introduce yourself or allow anyone else to introduce you. But get the names of everyone.
2. Walk around with a knapsack of entitlement. It gets you in any door.
@Ms. Smart,
2. Walk around with a knapsack of entitlement. It gets you in any door.
i like to call it the atache of importance. nothing says i’m more important than you than carrying a briefcase to a sports bar
@Ms. Smart,
#1 is on point. Ppl tell me their names and then I dont say nothing back. It works everytime
@Peysonic Temple,
LOL. What you do, you just nod? lol
Also, refuse to shake hands. If someone manages to get in there for a handshake anyway, immediately excuse yourself to “freshen up.”
@charli skipper,
Better yet, carry a bottle of hand sanitizer and a handkerchief to literally “wipe me down”.
If you have OCD you MUST be important…
@Dante_Alexander,
i actually have a friend who does that out of sheer germaphobia. but she looks rather important when she’s “brushing” ppl
‘s germsoff.@Gem of the Ocean,
It would work double if she had someone else carry her sanitizer for her.
Nothing says important like making other people carry your jelatinous alcohol substance.
@Dante_Alexander,
It would work triple if said person distributed a dime size amount of the jelatinous alcohol substance to the palm of that “important” person as they looked staright forward and extend their hand to the side…no words.
@Dante_Alexander,
“If you have OCD you MUST be important…”
LOL, I was thinking of Howie Mandel (Deal or No Deal or Bobby’s World for you ol’ school cats) when I read “refuse to shake hands”. He does the terrorist fist bump instead. It’s hilarious.
I was so surprised to hear he had OCD. All those people he has to interact with. Must be anxiety-inducing.
lol. have y’all been watching monk? that immediately popped up in my head. …now that i think about it monk got that self-important game on lock!!!
suits all the time? check.
lackey assistant? check.
refuses to shake hands and/or when forced to turns to lackey for a hand wipe? check.
uses random jargon? check.
i lurve that show.
@charli skipper, I’ve had women tell me they don’t shake hands. That translates to we have nothing to discuss with each other on the strength, so I 180 up from near her.
I’m Harlem born and bred, and we go to the store dressed like that.
(sadly smh @ my people)
@Honey Bee, Harlem’s rep precedes it. I’ve heard that dress up to go to the store thing for years. It serves a single man well to do so because there be some freaks up in the supermarket, 7-Eleven and even sometimes the liq store…gotta be ready.
@Honey Bee,
welcome and sh*t, and thanks for reminding us that harlemites are assholes
@The Champ,
As a Brooklyn transplant living in Harlem, Harlem blows
@The Champ,
we try.
just ask jim jones.
oopsie, that was in response to JamaicanGirl @ 1:47
(I’m new, it’s late, and I’m sippin on somethin)
@Honey Bee,
“(I’m new, it’s late, and I’m sippin on somethin)”
That sounded really important to me.
@Ms. Hall,
Reminded me of my sophomore year in college…
@Ms. Hall,
i’m glad, cuz it seemed really important to me at the time.
@Honey Bee,
(I’m new, it’s late, and I’m sippin on somethin)
depending on your perspective, as a man this is either one of the five best or five worst things a woman can say to you
@The Champ, it’s only the worst if she’s like old girl from 40 Year Old Virgin.
@The Champ,
so i’ve heard
@Honey Bee,
“(I’m new, it’s late, and I’m sippin on somethin)”
Some sizzurp, perhaps?
@Honey Bee,
welcome!!!
*shooting gold stars*
@SouthernGirl,
oooh, how you know gold is my color this summer?!? lol
1. Take pictures with important people and make it look like you are having an intimate conversation. Chickenhead on myspace will flood your wall with messages like “You really are doing it Big!” Losers. The both of ya.
2. Point…randomly. Walking around pointing seems to be evidence of importance. To me it looks like an overextended game of ‘eenie meenie minni mo’. Losers. That’s why he’s pointing at you, lol.
3. Haircuts. I have been getting them for all of my life, but apparently, this is a new gauge for ‘professionalism’, ‘upstanding’, ‘sane’, etc. It’s called hygiene you dirty *#($)@($! Welcome to the club, with your stankin’ arse…
The new Bond Blog is up. Out.
Bond. BlkBond.
P.S. If someone knows what ppl in Bmore do for fun, I’m open to suggestions…
@BlkBond,
hm…BlkBond, I think I know you…or at least your type…I got my da*n eye on you…
@charli skipper,
oh. and also, i’m just kidding.
@charli skipper,
If you stare too long you may get Glimmered (wink)….
@BlkBond,
‘If someone knows what ppl in Bmore do for fun, I’m open to suggestions…’
…leave, lol…
*smacking hand* bad Smiley Face
@Smiley Face,
lmao!!!
@Smiley Face,
AHAHAHA! Checkmate.
@Smiley Face,
LMAO!! I already get that impression
@BlkBond,
You living there or just visiting…
Cuz if you visiting, the answer is… nothing?
If you live here, the answer is… nothing.
@Dante_Alexander,
Visiting…I don’t think I could live here at this point in my life. They are hurting out here…
@BlkBond,
P.S. If someone knows what ppl in Bmore do for fun, I’m open to suggestions…
murder.
or raise pigeons.
@The Champ,
why must i cry?!?!?!?!!
@BlkBond,
It depends on what you trying to do. I didn’t know there were all these Bmore VSB’s tho.
Overheard at a party:
Brother 1, “Naw, I don’t answer the phone son, I tweet.”
His boy said, “N* what?”
He replied while adjusting his pocket square, “My time is precious.”
“Uh, you don’t work!?”
“Just being me is a full-time job.”
I thought he’d make your list…
@OneChele,
“Just being me is a full-time job.”
Someone shoulda throat-punched his arse.
@miss t-lee,
If only for using the word “Tweet”.
I STILL refuse to. I post, I update, I message, I status… But I shall, as I remain hetero my entire life, refuse to a) call a grown man Deliscious or something equally as non-hetero, and b) use the word tweet.
A Tweet is a disgusting marshmallow confection served only at Easter time.
@Dante_Alexander,
“A Tweet is a disgusting marshmallow confection served only at Easter time.”
Those are peeps…lmao!!! And yes, they are absolutely horrid.
To me when I hear the word Tweet, I think of the R&B singer…who relly needs to make a new album.
@miss t-lee,
This is what happens when you listen to people speak in the hood that only graduated 6th grade…
You end up calling Peeps Tweets and saying things like Moe-kimah-troll.
Yes, that is how June Bug says remote control. Seriously.
@ Dante_Alexander ,
“Moe-kimah-troll.”
*snort and loud chuckle*
You’re trying to get me fired…holy ish!!
@Dante_Alexander,
A nicca saying “tweet” does seem kinda saccharin, don’t it? lol
And *gag* @ Peeps. They’re the fruitcake of Easter.
@Dante_Alexander, lol@ a grown man named delicious. you been watching the kings of comedy?
@SouthernGirl,
And living within 40 miles of Washington DC AFTER moving from Atlanta…
Jokes are funnier because they are the sad fooking truth…
@OneChele,
“Just being me is a full-time job.”
Your ideas intrigue me, and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter
@Dorian G.,
Heart you for the Simpsons reference.
@OneChele, okay, first off…i was just JOKING when i said that.
man.
Talk almost obsessively about work/your company. Always talk about how “busy” you are. This is even pulloffable if you’re a widget maker or work at McDonald’s
@Stuff Ghetto People Like,
Calvin WAS doing great things to help the hood…
@Dante_Alexander,
ijustdied.
@SouthernGirl,
ijustdied.
To the tune of Amerie or Cutting Crew?
@Stuff Ghetto People Like,
oooooh…good question. both are on my ipod but amerie seems to pop up more and she could use a break so i’ll go with her.
@Stuff Ghetto People Like,
i read an article in esquire a few months ago talking about how “i’m so busy” was the new way of saying “my life is better than yours”.
btw, i mentioned “esquire” just to further my aura of importance
@The Champ,
btw, i mentioned “esquire” just to further my aura of importance
I felt the same way when I subscribed to WIRED
@T.Troy Stewart,
Both of y’all need to step up to Complex
@Dorian G., isn’t that Marc Ecko’s mag?
@T. Troy Stewart,
Yeah I was continuing the theme of douchebags who feel more important than they are.
@The Champ,
i read an article in esquire a few months ago talking about how “i’m so busy” was the new way of saying “my life is better than yours”.
Apparently a lot of females read Esquire too, as that is the exact snotball vibration they use when saying it. A lot of these girls were just busy being busy (think “famous for being famous”).
@Stuff Ghetto People Like,
i had a co-worker like that, who’d literally have three laptops, her desktop, a blackberry, her office speakerphone, and a fax machine all going at the same time everyday. her cubicle looked like a control room at nasa. there’s nothing on earth she possibly could have been doing that was that important
@The Champ, what the hell kind of person needs THREE laptops? And had it going in addition to her desktop (which also has me wondering if that had dual monitors).
And all this in a cubicle instead of her own office, let alone that of her own company. In the immortal words of Garfield, she sounds like one who should be dragged out into the street and shot.
5. use big-ass words
Lil C from So You Think You Can Dance’s ears should be el fuego right now…that 12 cent ninja with the 12 dollar vocabulary and no guide as to how to use the words properly
@T. Troy Stewart,
Lil C from So You Think You Can Dance’s ears should be el fuego right now
this sentence was 45% gay by itself, and 72% gay for what it implies
@The Champ, yeah, I get that a lot.
just like the time, in high school when I signed up for Intensive Business Training and was the only guy in a class of 20 girls. All the other dudes signed up for Auto Body Repair and Welding. Called me Ghey everyday for two months straight.
Until Halloween, when the girls had a Pot Luck. While those fools in shop class and shyt were all looking stupid when the girls brought in their crock pots of food and snax and wore their little costumes…and it was pretty much the same thing for Thanksgiving…food and snax…. and Christmas…food and snax….and being the only guy, I didn’t have to do anything but bring paper plates and be a good listener. My sister had the class the year before and I saw that she was always taking food and snax and still clocking As. I got to thinking, do I want to be stuck in some stupid shop class or do I want to be somewhere where they’re eating like kings half the sememster and they have breasts.
the next semester, half the dang class was filled with dudes.
where was I going with this, oh, yeah.
I watch SYTYCD to watch chicks in spandex do splits.
I also watch woman’s volleyball.
you ever see Monique Coleman on Dancing With The Stars?
@T. Troy Stewart,
valid points all, and all still 45% gay.
A goblet? WTF is a goblet?!LOL
I clearly must not be important enough. I’d have to say make sure you always roll at least 10 people deep and you’re walking in the front. Make it look like you have an entourage when you really don’t even know the folk walking behind you.lol.
@Slim Jackson 2.0,
I’d have to say make sure you always roll at least 10 people deep and you’re walking in the front
i think walking in the middle actually makes you more important by default.
@ the champ
Highlights: bowtie b*tches…Good & Plenty’s…#6 (or as it is normally called, Doing Business In Japan 101)
LMBO.
Having lots of keys seems to say, “I’m important.” I would actually add an apparently heavy keyring to JamaicanGirl’s Starbucks suggestion. Instant importance.
@Ms. Hall, or it says … i’m a janitor… just a thought
@Stix,
HEAD janitor….ahaaaa *matter-of-factly waving index finger*
…ah-hmm…that’s Sr. Custodial Engineer, please.
*Said while dusting off Custodial Certificate*
…Magna Cum-laude, b*thches.
@AkShone, “bithches,” eh? That’s one hell of a lisp.
@Stuff Ghetto People Like,
““bithches,” eh? That’s one hell of a lisp.”
And 89% gay?
Yes this is a great list and great pointers but some co-workers have little respect for the part-time billing assistant who is the youngest in the office by 11 years. They are still calling me intern after a year and a half and after all the progress I made dammit! People are still saying stuff like “you’re so cute” to me which actually means “you are so insignificant and innocuous” I’m glad I will going to med school soon! That’ll show them!
@Blue Skyez, that’s sweet, Dr. ChangeTheWorldTell’um. Hollaback, youngun, when you get your Oscar Award for Best attempt at curing cancer. In the meantime, I still needs them TPS reports by noon, rook. Chop, chop.
@T. Troy Stewart,
lol @ tps reports
@T. Troy Stewart,
lol, why are TPS Reports the go-to for office parodies and/or a-hole corporated boss roasting?
@Blue Skyez,
8. matter-of-factly mention exceptional information about yourself for no apparent reason
examples:
“damn, i sure am tired. good thing my boobs are so big”
“i’m definitely committed to going green. wow, who knew lambo’s rode so smoothly”
“People are still saying stuff like “you’re so cute” to me which actually means “you are so insignificant and innocuous”. I’m glad I will going to med school soon”"
“so what if you’re about as busy as black rob ”
I can’t with you today!!! LMAO
The bowtie ish is runnin’ rampant round these parts. I think they just discovered ‘em or something. I blame Dhani Jones.
@miss t-lee, yeah that Dhani got’em all rockin’ them thangs like it’s an NOI convention
@T. Troy Stewart,
Yep.
@miss t-lee,
“The bowtie ish is runnin’ rampant round these parts. ”
I KNOW. Ol’ bean pie looka boys. I saw Diggy wearing one on Run’s House not too long ago. Not the kids!
A goblet filled with peach milkshake…that’ll never stop being funny
@T.Troy Stewart,
its funny until you spill some milkshake on your tux
@T.Troy Stewart, A goblet filled with peach milkshake…that’ll never stop being funny
or gay. that will never stop being gay.
@Panama Jackson,
I was thinking the same thing. First, it’s peach. Second, it’s a milkshake. Double ghey. Then again, being ghey can be seen as having an important aura. Because gay = fierce.
@Cheekie,
Fierce, if ever used in a sentece by a male, is 126% gay, by the way.
You should make sure your readers know these things.
@Dante_Alexander,
I agree.
A goblet is gonna make you look like Bishop Don Juan!
(and I’ve never seen a lapel pin in real life.)
**** Hang with a multicultural group (never do all blacks!) ****
@Nicki Sunshine,
“**** Hang with a multicultural group (never do all blacks!) ****”
That only means you’re A. in college, B. work in non-profit, or C. mid-america suburban, none of which scream important to me.
Don’t bother responding, I’ll be too busy to read it.
@Dorian G., “Don’t bother responding, I’ll be too busy to read it”
Were you trying to come off as an a-hole or was this a joke?
@Nicki Sunshine,
Didn’t I tell you don’t bother responding?
LOL it was a joke, relax
@Dorian G., I was just asking.
I never trip ( LIE NUMBER ONE today.) lol
@Nicki Sunshine,
**** Hang with a multicultural group (never do all blacks!) ****
unless you’re a white filled with liberal guilt. then, there’s nothing on earth more important than having all-black community meetings at crazy mocha
@The Champ, Touche!
@Nicki Sunshine,
“A goblet is gonna make you look like Bishop Don Juan! ”
Yeah, I was gonna say. Maybe it should be a non-pimped out goblet so as to not appear tacky. Get the ol’ plain one from the olden days where ninjas ate giant turkey legs.
@Cheekie, Lookin like a those people that fight on the horses with the swords ( I can’t think of the name).
@Nicki Sunshine,
lol, yeah some Medieval Times type ish.
“Hang with a multicultural group (never do all blacks!)”
…that’s what Karrine Steffans said.
@AkShone, LMAO!!!
LMAO champikins this post is HILARIOUS. or maybe i just havent slept or ate in so many days i can’t keep my mind right. either way, i had some good laughs. thanks
my fave…. two words: bowtie, b*tches.
2nd fave…. organize a group carpool to the dry cleaners.
other than that, i have nothing to add at this time. i shall now go back and read the rest of the comments.*
*i think i sound important by taking up comment space yet saying nothing of significance or contribution to the actual conversation.
@Gem of the Ocean,
That last sentence actually goes on the list of sheet to do to make yourself seem more important than you really are.
Congrats!
@Gem of the Ocean,
9. fast for no good reason, and make sure to matter-of-factly mention that you’re fasting for no good reason
examples:
“nah, im good with lunch. i’m self cleansing until the wnba all-star game”
“…maybe i just havent slept or ate in so many days i can’t keep my mind right.”
@Gem of the Ocean, LMAO! I have a friend like that. She always chimes in with nothing to ACTUALLY contribute.
oh, and Champikins, i don’t like that shirt-tie-jacket combo you have goin on in the pic. i’ve been meaning to tell you that since the first time i saw the pic in the “about us” section. a striped shirt AND striped jacket is just NOT a good look and probably 1 of 7 “surefire ways to make yourself seem much less important than yoru unimportant @$$ already is”…
you’re welcome.
@Gem of the Ocean,
welcome deez
@Gem of the Ocean,
LOL, now your comment? THAT’S how you appear important! lol
@Gem of the Ocean, beats the cat I saw in a vertically-striped long sleeve and plaid shorts a few weeks ago.
LMAO………
This post had me DYING.
@Liz,
lol, i should have added a number 8
“hire a mythical ghost-writer”
@The Champ,
lmaooooo.
You are a Bama for the goblet!!
My list….
1. Always call places as YOUR assistant. I make all of my reservations this way. I say things like “Ms. Yaa requires a quiet table for two” or “Ms. Yaa will only stay on the concierge floor”.
2. Always make people call you by your last name. If someone introduces themselves as Bob I introduce myself as Ms. Yaa.
3. Always act like you are running late & have some place to be other than the place that you are currently. This works wonders standing in line (add typing on your Blackberry for emphasis).
4. Walk into a crowded room WHERE YOU KNOW EVERYBODY and go straight to the back past everybody so they see you. Then work your way back to the front speaking loudly, laughing loudly and hugging. It draws attention from everybody from front to back & the folks in the front seem to be eager for you to make your way to them.
5. Never check the price tags while shopping. The sales people are watching your cheap a$$!! Go to the fitting room and while back there make faces, pass out, cuss or whatever. If you get back there and something is beyond your reach…come back out and tell them it didnt fit!
@Yaa, “Never check the price tags while shopping. The sales people are watching your cheap a$$!! Go to the fitting room and while back there make faces, pass out, cuss or whatever. If you get back there and something is beyond your reach…come back out and tell them it didnt fit!”
LMAO!!! That’s great.
@Yaa,
“Walk into a crowded room WHERE YOU KNOW EVERYBODY and go straight to the back past everybody so they see you”
oh snap, i do that too. damn, that’s already 2 things i do.
i’m either important, or trifling.
“who cares if you’re likely to frequently induce aneurysms for your audience, you’re important dammit, and its their unimportant ass duty to figure your important ass out”
This just might get you some speaking engagements, word to Michael Eric Dyson…
@Omar, LMAO! Now that was funny!
I have two to add to this list.
1. Acting like you are always in a rush. Or acting like you have many tasks on your plate.
2. Making the smallest, menial, most insignificant task out to be the biggest life changing money saving project in the world..
@Humble One, You should probably try cutting people’s words off and trying to finsh their sentence, to get them to the point. Time is money. lol
@Nicki Sunshine,
LOL, that’s hilarious. Like I’m imagining some ninja tapping his foot, looking at his watch while you’re talking. Rude!
@Humble One,
“1. Acting like you are always in a rush. Or acting like you have many tasks on your plate.”
This sounds like my French teacher in high school. That mofo was always switchin’ super fast to class. I don’t know how he did it because the hallways were so crowded, but he zig-zagged his way with a snap and a neck roll, he was so fierce.
Like, where was he going?! What was so pressing that he just HAD to rush everywhere? He looked like he had to pee.
all this frontin and sh*t is for thirsty my friends……LOL
thirst will kill one, way before hunger
..”stay hungry” is a much better phrase LOL
@OrangeStar616,
stay hungry doesn’t sound as cool though. it sounds like something joe buddens would title a mixtape
Comment on blogs and give urself a cool nickname- that no one ever calls you in everyday life.
@The Hallway,
So then “The Hallway” is you thumbing your nose at such people?
I kid, I joke. Laugh with me.
@The Hallway,
LOL, this is too true about the internet names. Though, I actually think Luvvie is called Luvvie in real life. Ain’t it a play on her gubment name?
I got my name way back when I used to participate in AIM chat…it was first Miss Cheeks (it was a play on Mr Cheekis cuz I liked his song Lights Camera Action and because I have chubby cheeks…ON MY FACE *looks around innocently*, right only on my face), but then someone shortened it to Cheekie and everyone started calling me that. I met a couple offline and they said it outloud. It felt funny, but I have a soft spot for it.
So, yeah, writing bios about the birth of your e-name is also a way to appear more important than you really are. I am just a small mustard seed in the sea of internets but I like to puff up at times like I’m the ish.
@The Hallway, LMAO!!!!!!!!
@The Hallway,
I forgot to add that it’ll be cool to hear folks being referred to their screename in real life if they have like 50 numbers attached to their name. Like, at the VSB BBQ we hear Champ say,
“Yo, what up, ashley475760986!”
@Cheekie,
You goin hard on my comment. The number bit is very funny.
How about when you add signatures or quotes to your cell phone texts, that you don’t even live by.
@The Hallway,
Or adding a signature to your texts at all.
Why thee fook should I have to endure ANOTHER text from you just to see the “tch” at the end of “Boss Bi” that was 4 spaces down from the actual body of the text which only read “wat u doin?”
@Dante_Alexander,
How bout the song playin while i’m calling you?
I hate when mom and pop shops have music playing (when I’m put on hold) that I don’t wanna hear, you’re not even a real business owner.
You’re not a “DIVA.”
You don’t get it “WET.”
Back when the song was hot, you weren’t “DA MAN”. by Shawty Lo
@The Hallway,
“You goin hard on my comment. ”
I know! lol
My reply was longer than your comment. Because I’m important.
First off, peacocks are as important as they really are. For two reasons: 1. They already have a fabulous accessory from birth. The tail. 2. Because it has the name peacock…to have a pausable name that 3 year olds can say is pretty dope.
This:
“if that doesn’t work? next time, three words: tux with tails”
Cracked me up because I imagine a guy lifting up his tux tail to sit down all Beethoven-like as if he’s about to play a symphony.
“5. use big-ass words”
This is also known as the Michael Eric Dyson School of Edumucation. You can probably attend on YouTube. Learn from the mastah.
Anyhow.
Other ways to look
bougiemore important than you really are:1. Wear a monocle. I think it automatically gives you a
fakeBritish accent. And it creates some force that defies gravity causing your nose to lift into the air permanently.2. Work on your laptop during your commute to work. But don’t let them nosy ninjas see you’re playing Minesweeper in HD or some ish. Make sure you have Microsoft Excel up and generate some obscure formulas and whatnot. In fact, just type really fast in Microsoft Word, they don’t have to be real words.
3. Tamper with your Blackberry. The Crackberry is the most essential way to look important. If you tamper with it early in the morning or hours after work with your brow furrowed all concentration-like, you look like the type of ninja that is always working…thus, important.
4. Wear a bluetooth at all times.
I HATE THESE DOUCHEBAGS.It’s for those people who always need to be on alert and don’t have time to flip their phone or push the green button to answer like those other peons at the shopping mall. That one second can be spent negotiating figures for a new project.5. Wear sunglasses inside. It makes you look like
Summer’s Evea secret agent or celebrity that can’t be bothered to reveal their eyes to the masses.Annnd that’s it. I have more important things to do….like reply to other folks’ comments.
@Cheekie,
“1. Wear a monocle.”
Mr. Peanut game proper
@miss t-lee,
lmfao…yes ma’am. Bonus points if you have a cane but no cripple.
@miss t-lee,
Monopoly Man swag-on-point. Wipe me down.
@Beez,
Oh snap! I forgot about Monopoly Mayne.
’cause I’m on.
@miss t-lee & Beez,
Cracking the hell up @ ya’ll.
@ Cheekie ,
I just had my afternoon sugar/caffeine fix…please forgive me for actin an azz…lol
@Cheekie,
Also, wearing a monacle allows you to look more horrified than you are when horrifying things happen. When you gasp and widen your eyes in astonishment (important people do this), the monacle will fall out, breaking into pieces, causing people to wonder just how important and well-off you must be if you can afford to replace monacles so frequently.
@WordSmith,
*puts finger on chin* Hmm.
You put a lot of thought into this. Must be an important theory. I’ll look into it.
If you live in Atlanta, boast about it, if you don’t live in Atlanta, boast about connections you have in Atlanta and name drop as much ish as you can about Atlanta as if you’re on the Chamber Of Commerce.
Ninjas In Atlanta are a lot like the British were in Hong Kong, surrounded by the enemy and it was just a matter of time before you had to give that ish up and get the f*ck out. Tick Tock, Black Mecca.
@T. Troy Stewart,
i’d argue that the d.c. metro area has more of an aura of black professional importance.
if i had to rank em, i’d go
1. dc area
2. atl
3. new york metro
423. pittsburgh
@The Champ, true, but the ATLiens are more ridiculous with the boasting. I never get the bragging about land the white man owns
@T. Troy Stewart,
I always felt that ATLiens stole the black mecca and chocolate city titles form DC too early. The funny thing is, is how much the two have in common. Both have…
Rich black suburbs
Quadrants, in which NW has some of the nicer parts.
A large gay population
A lot of young guys who do gay ass dances
Technically both had a bout with a black serial killer (the only two black serial killers I’ve ever heard of)
Prestigious black college(s)
People will still pay thousands of dollars for the last few SS bubble Impalas that still run
Sorry ass football team with loyal ass fans
Until a couple of years ago sorry ass basketball team (ATL came up, the Wizards still suck)
And an unusual amount of people who can’t drive.
@Omar,
Was thinking of how L.A. could likely compete on this list:
Rich black suburbs-check
Quadrants-nah, no quadrants
A large gay population-West Hollywood + the hood is lesbo central.
A lot of young guys who do gay ass dances-check
Technically both had a bout with a black serial killer (the only two black serial killers I’ve ever heard of)-Bloods and Crips are full of serial killers
Prestigious black college(s)-OK, no, got us there.
People will still pay thousands of dollars for the last few SS bubble Impalas that still run-not only that, but ninjas have been converting Caprices forever.
Sorry ass football team with loyal ass fans-UCLA always lays eggs. NFL long gone, but people luh dem the wack *ss Raiders to death out here.
Until a couple of years ago sorry ass basketball team-Clippers, anyone?
And an unusual amount of people who can’t drive.-watch what happens here when it rains.
OK, when I began, I thought I was on to something….but minus 2 ain’t bad.
LMAO! This post is great! Here’s what I’ve noticed “important” people doing. Please excuse any duplicates.
- Pretend you forget people you actually know. (Ever have a convo with a person on at least two occasions but for some reason when they talk to you again it’s as if you never met?)
- Name drop
- Constantly text or step out of the room to take/make phone calls
- Brag about “your” luxury car or “your” home. (If mom/dad/grandma/etc. signed the paperwork and make payments, it’s not yours. They’re not fruits of your labor.)
- Wear glasses without a prescription
@Voiceofreason,
“Wear glasses without a prescription”
I completely forgot about this one. I’m gulity as sheet of it, myself, but that’s only because my competitive nature won’t allow me to NOT try my damndest to squint, adjust and focus on that damn eye chart… The Doc always says “GTFOH, you don’t need glasses”.
I bought some anyway. Don’t tell me what thee fook I CAN’T do. Betch.
@Dante_Alexander,
‘The Doc always says “GTFOH, you don’t need glasses”.’
Forced visual impairment??? LMAO! I’ve heard it all. This makes me think of that Martin episode when he’s at the DMV reading the eye chart.
@Voiceofreason,
The messed up part is, I HAD to wear glasses when I was younger. From like 4 until I was like 13, I had to wear glasses every day. But then Puberty hit and suddenly I was blessed with taco meat, a ball fro, and 20/20 vision. Even though I tell the Doc it feels like somebody is constantly blowing air in my eyes. The bastid just don’t listen.
So, I got one of my less than trustworthy associates to get me a pair of nice glasses for the price of… on the house. I wear them all the time. No more wind.
@Dante_Alexander,
Your sight IMPROVED! You’re tryna give back a blessing? Now that’s some ish! It doesn’t get more important than that. LMAO!
@Voiceofreason,
“Wear glasses without a prescription”
I hate these folks with a passion!!!!!
Considering the fact that my 20/20 vision decided to peace out on me around 1986.
*full hate mode*
@Voiceofreason,
“- Wear glasses without a prescription”
HAHAHA, yes! Especially since the blow-up of everyone wearing cute angular frames (they look GREAT on almost everyone…got some myself, and yes it’s because I actually need them. lol), this has run rampant. My own litte cousin does this. At first, I thought they were prescription because my family is blind, but they weren’t even prescription. Just liked how glasses looked.
lmfao, I remember in grammar school when kids DREADED getting glasses. The days of four-eyes is over…glasses seem to be more of a fashion statement nowadays.
@Voiceofreason,
I thought of one more…
- Talk about how you vacation in spots where ninjas don’t usually go (the Greenbriar, the Ozarks, OBX)
@Voiceofreason,
- Pretend you forget people you actually know. (Ever have a convo with a person on at least two occasions but for some reason when they talk to you again it’s as if you never met?)
or, better yet, make eye contact with someone you know, don’t say anything, and when they approach you to say “wassup” act all surprised like “hey, whats going on??” like you didnt notice them sitting across from you for the last 15 minutes
1. For some reason Going Green makes people feel important.
Feel more entitled to do sh*t. Take your reusable bag, hybrid driving vegan @ss outta here!
2. Putting asterisks in your curse words. What the F*ck is that?
@The Hallway,
1. For some reason Going Green makes people feel important.
Feel more entitled to do sh*t. Take your reusable bag, hybrid driving vegan @ss outta here!
i was going to make this number 8, until i remembered that i went green last night, and realized that extra typing takes up extra bandwidth, and extra bandwidth is extra energy
@The Hallway, [2. Putting asterisks in your curse words. What the F*ck is that?]
Apparently much worse than using @ in ass.
Word is bond. I been drinkin out o my green glass goblet w/ magnifying circles (my power symbol according to some test from myspace) on it for years. I learned all these great big words from my Jr. year High School English teacher. I have also dipped off in a bunch of professions. Adding jargon all along.
Try to be as concise w/ your most poinient answers to life’s questions.
Eat.
@WuDaMan,
Rock a cloak. Beadazle spelling Very Important (insert your name here)
@WuDaMan,
do the look away in all photos.
@WuDaMan,
or when people approach you.
@WuDaMan,
act annoyed if they want something from you
@WuDaMan,
“do the look away in all photos.”
ROFL…boy would you STOP.
@WuDaMan,
I’m DONE with you (won’t be the first time) for saying rock a dayum cloak. A MESS. That’s what you are, Wu.
@Cheekie,
I am *sniggling* at the cloak as well.
@Cheekie, I wore a cape in the casino in PA recently (true story…long story) Security watched me like a hawk the whole time I was there.
@T. Troy Stewart,
Did they think you were the entertainment? You were at a casino, after all. lol
@WuDaMan,
Blurp other languages in your casual conversation.
@WuDaMan,
call people to you and whisper in their ear
@WuDaMan,
Oh yeah
FIRST YOU SHAKE IT
AND THEN YOU BAKE IT
SHAKE & BAKE
That just happened.
I think guys should start carrying pocket watches. That’s bound to make them look important.
@Voiceofreason,
Heeey….
@Voiceofreason,
Oooh, good one. lol
@Voiceofreason,
i did for one week my sophomore year in college until i lost it when i went to see “the players club”. btw, i’m willing to bet that they arent 5 other people in the world who lost a pocket watch while watching the players club at the theater
I dunno but this is wha i like ta do
1) Drive slow- nuthin is betta than takin a 10mph cruise in ya whip that is fresh out the carwash. If you hava big car like my big body buick bank all the cornas hard lett eryone see you work tha wheel. chunk up dueces to peoples sit low maybe throw a arm out tha window.
2) Go to Hometeam Clubs- Since i used to play football alot of my old playa patnas are bouncers now and i know they schedule and i get the celeb treatment. while other people gotta dress up and wait in line i go strait to the front in my Raiders Jersey and Jordans for free. Free drinks n shii im always guaranteed to bag a breezy or 3 it fuqs with they head they be like or you an athlete or sumthin?
3) Be shy/ quiet confidence- I know yall like what but hear me out. perfedt example I hada booty call so im gettin stocked up so i hit 7/11. Grab 2 packs of magnums, pack of swishers and a 40. This fine chick walks in Im in line tryna hide the rubbers cause i dont want her to think ima slut. But she sees um and is checkin me out she getts somethin and is in back of me in line. Next thang you kno she says “dam you bout ta give some chick tha bizness, i wish a ninja would knock on my door like that” I smiled (played the shy guy) long story short i got the digits and nex weekend i was knockin on her door n knockin down walls.
@BLUNTBLAZER,
“I hada booty call so im gettin stocked up so i hit 7/11. Grab 2 packs of magnums, pack of swishers and a 40. This fine chick walks in Im in line tryna hide the rubbers cause i dont want her to think ima slut. But she sees um and is checkin me out she getts somethin and is in back of me in line. Next thang you kno she says “dam you bout ta give some chick tha bizness, i wish a ninja would knock on my door like that” I smiled (played the shy guy) long story short i got the digits and nex weekend i was knockin on her door n knockin down walls.”
See, how come I never meet these chicks???? My story would have ended with her demanding that we go to the new asian fusion restaurant that the local celebrity chef d’jour opened up, because you know she only goes to real restaurants for dates.
@Dorian G.,
make sure the 40 is Old English next time that tells tha chick that u kno bout that thug passion and she need ta get at u cause “them bustas aint luvin her right” lol
@Dorian G.,
You probably have that relationship face. I have that face, that’s why I am never seen out of the house without shades. My eyes supposedly look concerned about everything. Anyhow cop you some nice frames, and quit being so nice.
@Legendary Dash,
yea plus usually 7/11 chicks aint the stuck up types lol
@BLUNTBLAZER,
This sounds like a Bond list circa 1997-1999. Can’t knock your hu$tle. Carry on.
Bond. BlkBond.
@BlkBond,
Damn I had no idea you were that old. I was in middle school 97-99 lol, I mean unless you were smashing jawns from 7/11 in middle school. In which case, carryon.
@Dorian G.,
Thirty. It still shocks me. Especially because I look damn near like I haven’t aged. Feel like Duncan Macleod from Highlander.
Bond.
@BlkBond,
yea ima be 28 next sunday. and i sware 22-26 was a blur
@Dorian G.,
99 i grad from HS
couldnt but 40′s from 7/11 but the sto down the street shiiiii as long as you could see over the counter no id needed.
@BLUNTBLAZER,
3) Be shy/ quiet confidence- I know yall like what but hear me out. perfedt example I hada booty call so im gettin stocked up so i hit 7/11. Grab 2 packs of magnums, pack of swishers and a 40. This fine chick walks in Im in line tryna hide the rubbers cause i dont want her to think ima slut. But she sees um and is checkin me out she getts somethin and is in back of me in line. Next thang you kno she says “dam you bout ta give some chick tha bizness, i wish a ninja would knock on my door like that” I smiled (played the shy guy) long story short i got the digits and nex weekend i was knockin on her door n knockin down walls.
sounds like the advance screen play to bootytalk 87
@The Champ,
i have so many freaky tales involvin chicks, drank n trees. for example: if you want to build a super freak mix red bull in her drink lol. not only will she get tipsy/freaky she will stay up all night even if you pass out she will wake you up with some serious jaw action jus watch out for the break of dawn stallion rides. I felt like chef (from south park) and im not mad about it. lol
*In RADICAL News*
Yall hear bout that black deaf mentally impared dude ths cop arrested, pepper sprayed and tasered cause the ninja had bubble guts and was tryna take a shii at the dollar store?
the magistrate wouldnt even accept tha charges so the piggz dropped him off in his apt parkin lot and smashed off before his brother could run down the steps.
SCAN-DOE-LUSSS and yall wonder why i hate um
@BLUNTBLAZER,
*flava flav* WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW.
For serious?!
@Cheekie,
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/07/28/antonio-love-ala-police-u_n_246081.html
helllllllllllllllllllllllllla shady
they wont release the cops name either cause the public wanna see/kno who did it.
@BLUNTBLAZER,
This is soooooooooooo out of line.
Dayum shame.
@BLUNTBLAZER, even better is the 4 cops who got caught on tape getting their story straight to frame this woman in Hollywood, FL, after they crashed into HER car! Yes, those charges were dropped…but those cops are on paid administrative leave, when they should all be fired right on the spot.
Never be without shades in public or private. No one should be deemed worthy to gaze into the windows to your soul. I only remove my shades to put on other shades. I keep them on even when I am showering. I use double sided tape to make sure that they stay on while I sleep.
@Legendary Dash,
I only remove my shades to put on other shades.
Lol
Never fully smile at someone, with teeth or without. Only allow one side of your mouth to lift when greeting someone. Do this while elevating your chin and lifting an eyebrow.
You are acknowledging their existence, while mocking them for not being as important as you.
Also, never offer to shake hands first.
@WordSmith,
***nodding head***
This is kind of opposite Champ’s No. 1, but when referring to anything, never use common abbreviations.
Important people live in Prince George’s County, not P.G.
They also live in the District. Important people live in the Commonwealth of Virginia, not just VA.
Also, important people are never black. They’re always African-American.
1- Subscribe to Forbes, Fortune, and Black Enterprise (but don’t tell anyone you read the latter.) Also, watch Bloomberg News and the BBC above any other TV.
2- Name drop heavily, à la Randy Jackson on Idol. People you’ve worked with, thought about working with, someone you thought looked like someone you wanted to work with, it’s all fair game.
3- Adopt a “WWWBD?” style (What Would Warren Buffett Do?), and mention it to anyone within a 10 mile radius…
4- In the spirit of “shake and bake”, come up with a completely nonsensical catchphrase, and use it until it’s part of your personal lexicon. I’ve been using “Sha-zaym!” lately. I’ll switch it up though.
5- You must blog. Even if you do nothing, talk about nothing, or have nothing, you must start a blog and attain followers. Followers are the true key to your importance. Extra points to the emo vloggers out there, who sigh after every sentence, like they’re soooo stressed.
For women: Run. everywhere. like Stacey Dash in the All Falls Down video. Even if you gots nowhere to go, people will think you do. Just don’t run really, really fast in high heels, lest you be a h*e (word to Riley).
@Beez,
Oh yeah, I forgot. In all of your e-mail signatures, include either 1-your degree or 2- the “company you’re starting” and CEO.
Nothing says important like
Pookie Jones
B.A. Psychology
Random Arse Lib School
Get Money Entertainment, LLC- CEO in training
Important trifling stuff
1. Creating four or five different corporations that are in bad standing with the Secretary of State where you live, but which you refer to as “my holdings.”
2. Referring to yourself as “Ms.” or “Mr.” anything.
3. Of course, the old favorite, speaking in third person in general
4. Randomnly worming the fact that you got a graduate degree of some sort into conversations. e.g. “Yeah, I thought those Golden Delicious apples looked bad. When I was working on my dissertation about American farm practices, I learned all about the pesticides, and it was scary.”
5. Personal license plates
@Big Man, saying “that’s MR. ____ to YOU!” puts the commoners right in their place. And “Ms.” came to our dialect as a result of the feminist career woman rising to power in the 70s…clear search for greater importance there.
And when I get a car dope enough, it will be the first with a personal plate. Got my list of possible names already saved.
Ladies, when you marry, keep your maiden name (nttawwt), whether or not you take his. And Black ladies, talk about how there’s a shortage of eligible brothers to date.
For everyone, flaunt your Greek affiliation (as well as the activities you all participate in as a group).
The preceding types seem to always have an air of “importance” above the average Joes and Janes.
Lastly, make yourself seem hard to impress, like you’ve been there done that.
@Stuff Ghetto People Like,
“Ladies, when you marry, keep your maiden name (nttawwt), whether or not you take his.”
Yeah, I’m probably gonna do the ol’ “put a dash in between the maiden and married name” thang that’s hot amongst actresses.
@Stuff Ghetto People Like,
“Ladies, when you marry, keep your maiden name (nttawwt), whether or not you take his. And Black ladies, talk about how there’s a shortage of eligible brothers to date.”
uh uh im just waiting to get rid of this last name! <— long story but basically it shouldn't be mine so i don't want it or to have any association with the person from whom i wrongfully inherited it from
&& as for the second part…. yah i do that all the time but i dont see how that makes me look "important". its the truth…lol.
How could I forget this one? You gotta switch from PC to Mac, refuse to drive American cars (even rentals), and have a personal trainer.
@Stuff Ghetto People Like,
HAHA. True. Folks look super important with a Mac
and smarter because they are just effing better computers.I’m seeing a lot of that bowtie stuff too. Why are you wearing a bow tie at happy hour?!
I’d like to add to this list:
1) Hyphenating your last name. Nothing says pretentious like Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth. My brother used to say that Jada Pinkett Smith sounds like a law firm
2) Using the word “ergo.” Also pretentious
3) Adding “Esq.” (Esquire) to your name. I don’t care if you ARE an attorney.
4) Being knighted when you don’t deserve it See: Sir Elton John, Sir Paul McCartney. C’mon, Sir? Get the f*** outta here (my apologies to the person who posted about using asterisks in swear words)
5) My personal favorite: When I was in high school and the DaVinci code came out, I was reading it and I would walk around with it on top of my books. People would gush over it like I was the author or something, like “Oh my God! You’re reading the DaVinci code!” I read it in three days but walked around with it for a whole week because it impressed people (but I’m also from Detroit, so my reading of any “complex” literature would impress many)
@ Brandon St. Perry
It would appear that this list was perchance pilfered from the Morehouse Orientation Self-importance Seminar. Heretofore, especially #’s 2 and 5. Your matriculation was clearly several fortnights ago, however.
As a noted Alumni from The Howard University…I would have to agree. Unless you are from Morehouse it is likely impossible to achieve such unattainable levels of Self-Importance. The only men to complete said task are Diddy(he renamed himself), Bernie Mac(3rd person only), and T.O(He goes by his initials).
here’s one:
ladies, carry a handkerchief in the summer. not a BANDANA, my ni99as, an actual lacy, 1940′s handkerchief. why? bc in the off-chance that you encounter any unwanted moisture, including but not limited to condensation from an iced latte, rain droplets, air conditioning vent spit (also known as “freon piss”), you can wipe it off like the stunna you truly are.
so, if you see a brown-skin dimepiece strolling thru harlem in stilettos, with a big @ss bag on her wrist, an iced latte in one hand, phone in the other, looking at tall people like they short, and she takes out an antique hankie, holla at a playa.
change daily.
GOD I love you.
I *heart* this post. Funny sh*t.
LMAO! gosh this blog has made my saturday after outingness such enjoyment.
i literally laughed out loud. i ALWAYS put people on hold. or answer texts and IMs at my extreme leisure, even if i’m not busy… out of habit.
hilarious. and people DO feel important when you respond faster than normal and stay in a convo.
too funny.
and that extra formal… that works! lol.
This is an old post, but I’m feeling the goblet requirement. I keep a 5 pound gothic style pewter goblet on my desk at all times. Never know when you need to whack an employee with it.
- HR Guy..really.
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