Potential (adj.) – possible as opposed to actual; (noun) a latent excellence that may or may not be developed.
Do you know why I love women? I’ll tell you why. Women are believers at heart. Believers with breasts. Women will see black and swear that if they stare long enough, it might turn into green. See, women believe in potential.
That is so sweet.
Just like disrespect is the number one killer of black males between birth and death 18 and 35, potential is the number one killer of the hopes and dreams in a relationship.
What COULD he be?
What COULD we be?
And much like “what if Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear”, they are asinine questions.
I’ve always wondered why women were such believers in what a man could be. It’s not like they’re always proven right. It’s for this reason I’ll always think that, at our core, women are better people than men. Generally I couldn’t care less about your potential.
Actually that’s not true. I’m concerned about a woman’s potential to become patently unattractive after a few kids and genetics kick in. But I’m just shallow like that. See, my potential is more of a just-how-far-down-is-your-bottom type of thing. On the contrary, women are very much concerned with a man’s upside.
Once again, that’s so sweet.
My guess is that a lot of relationships fall apart for women at the point that they realize that the man they think can be the next CEO of a Fortune 500 company is happy as a pig in slop at his retail job selling camera’s at Best Buy. It’s kind of funny if you think about it. It’s like every man is every woman’s potential playdough. Add just the right amount of tender love and care, throw in a little common sense, and help him mature and then wham, he could go from Morris Chestnut in Boyz In The Hood (RIIIIIIIIIIIICKY!) to Morris Chestnut in The Best Man. Though chances are, he probably will never make that transition.
But oh, the possibilities. Like I said, men do it too, though when its not about what she might be in the future its more like, “she’ll give me head one day!” Though if you’re a grown ass man dating a woman who “doesn’t do that” you should probably just go kill yourself.
Mostly because she just doesn’t do it to you. They probably used to call her Jawbone. And if you are a woman who actually “doesn’t do that”, then you should be sent to Idaho and forced to shell potatoes (I know that doesn’t make sense) and eat cacti.
The bottom line here is that women tend to shoot themselves in the foot a lot dealing with man’s “potential.” If you’re entire relationship is based on what you hope your man can be, then you probably need a healthy does of reality. You also need to let your man know upfront that the person he is now isn’t exactly who you hope he is two years from now.
Or just don’t date janitors.
-PANAMA
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{ 212 comments… read them below or add one }
I know I am guilty as charged on this. I will always see the upside on a man and think of all the wonderful possibilities.
*sigh*
I’m working on it.
P.S. Don’t be hatin on Hyundai’s. They are wonderful cars with great warranties. Just sayin.
“Women will see black and swear that if they stare long enough, it might turn into green.”
- That’s just funny to me because a friend and I used to have this inside joke about how women will swear that a man (and the relationship with said man) has potential that only she can see. Like mistaking green for purple.
Women are notorious for believing in a man’s potential and you know why…
Because that man has convinced them that he wants to realize that potential. But it’s like Jarrod said in the last post, women are listening to the words (“I’m gonna”, “I wanna”, “I should”) and not paying attention to his actions (he didn’t, he won’t, he hasn’t made a move towards his “goal” yet).
It’s bad move. Sure he’s a “good man” and he could be a lot of great things. But he could also be a loser.
The majority of the time women wholeheartedly believe in potential at the beginning of the relationship but it doesn’t take that long before the store lighting wears off and they realize what they really went home with. The rest of the time she’s fooling herself so she won’t have to admit she chose wrong.
P – The situation you described with the janitor is more of an “I can change him” situation. (Which is another post for another day.)
Now if that man is complaining about his job all the time and is relatively intelligent and says something about owning his own cleaning service to his woman (I mean really visualizing it), you better believe that she’s already on board. Picking out logos and contacting the SBA to see what type of loans he can apply for. What’s he doing? Going to work. How else is he going to pay for that PS3?
Bottom line: You shouldn’t want more for someone than they want for themselves. You’ll just end up disappointed.
Preach!
I swear I’ve never going to get any work done anymore…anywhooo
“Because that man has convinced them that he wants to realize that potential. But it’s like Jarrod said in the last post, women are listening to the words (”I’m gonna”, “I wanna”, “I should”) and not paying attention to his actions (he didn’t, he won’t, he hasn’t made a move towards his “goal” yet).”
You know I have to say this is kind of one sided, potential isn’t measured solely by one’s actions but also by the type of support system they have. There are a lot of a single mothers who have the “potential” to succeed in life, but without a support system they normally fall short.
Now the same goes for men, yes some are stagnant in life right now and just need someone to have a little faith in them. There’s nothing like knowing that if you fall someone will be there to help you get back up and still believe. Maybe I’m just naive to think that we are at our best when someone loves and nurtures our talents.
Men and women are not meant to be alone, women are born nuturers, so that’s what we do. We nurture talent, we nurture promise and try with every bone in our body to nurture potential. I like to think that I had a positive and progressive impact on every man that I seriously dated b/c I’m constantly thinking forward.
Besides every great man there’s a good, steady and hopeful woman who believed in her man so man that he himself started to believe as well.
I don’t know, don’t underestimate the power of a woman spotting potential.
okay so i was typing super fast so i can actually work today…a few typos, comma splices and grammatical errors ensued.
I swear I’m*…
we nurture promise and we* try…
Beside* every great…
…believed in her man so much*…
I’m sure you guys get the point though.
“I’m sure you guys get the point though.”
i think i did. i agree with most of what you say, except..
“Besides every great man there’s a good, steady and hopeful woman who believed in her man so man that he himself started to believe as well.”
…but i’d just change “every” to “many”.
“many” it is then…or actually “most” is my preference. i honestly don’t think that man or woman can reach their full potential w/o a supportive mate by their side.
i know for a fact that i’m at my best when i’m in a stable and supportive relationship…now that doesn’t diminish the accomplishments i acheive while i’m single…but i push a little harder when i’m being supported and encouraged, and i honestly believe the same goes for men.
and moreover, i believe that the problem we face in relationships today have a lot to do with people no longer believing in the power of togetherness…but that’s another blog, another day.
I don’t think anyone is questioning that women are nurturers by nature or that believing in someone else is a bad thing, it’s a wonderful thing to be supportive of your loved ones, BUT women often “stick it out” with men who are less than ambitious because they believe in his potential.
He COULD be a great friend, husband, father, provider, etc… Most men have that potential. The potential to do great things is not absent from anyone.
But the question is what he is DOING now?
Is he working toward those goals in any way shape or form? (active)
Or is he just talking? (passive)
How long should a woman waste (time is valuable – you can’t get it back) for a man because she believes in what he MIGHT be?
Some woman somewhere right now has spent a great deal of her time waiting for her boyfriend/baby’s daddy/husband/father/brother/uncle to get himself together and be the great man she knows he is on the inside.
We either know these women or we are these women.
But none of that matters, it could happen, he could change. But all things being real the odds that he will change get slimmer as he gets older because barring great tragedy/revelation people don’t just change. You are who you are and unless something intrinsically motivates you, you’ll always be that person.
So a woman can have all the hope in the world and believe to her depths in a man’s potential but unless that man believes in it, it’s in vain.
I actually agree on ur entire post.
Now to get to the nitty gritty and most importantly to my looking like a constant ass…are you a girl or a guy?
And do you like girls or guys?
Do you have a penis…b/c I recall you mentioning something about a flacid dick…i’m just saying…
I meant to avoid*…well so much for that.
Teacia,
How are you doing? I suggest clicking on the name, which would lead to the website. Once there, click on “You are Here” under the title Pages on the top right hand side…
Thanks, so it’s 2 people blogging under one name…how LAME!
Oh and did I mention how lame and misleading that is…to have someone respond to a female or male b/c obviously a male or female was answering and then to act if they’re ignorant for making an assumption to gender by someone other than the initial poster responding.
LAME!! And just in case you really didn’t get the disgust of immaturity in my voice, I’ll say it again…LAME!
“Oh and did I mention how lame and misleading that is…to have someone respond to a female or male b/c obviously a male or female was answering and then to act if they’re ignorant for making an assumption to gender by someone other than the initial poster responding.”
I don’t respond as anything but what I am. Now if my comments aren’t in line with what YOU think they should be and you mistakingly refer to me as the opposite sex, why shouldn’t I correct you?
That’s a load of bullshit and you know it. If you respond as a man and I refer to you as a man then don’t give me that I’ll excuse the gender confusion horseshit. I’m not the one who seems to be confused.
But then again, you do you. This whole I am both man and woman nonsense seems to be doing your blogspot well…that’s why the comments are just overflowing over there!
teacia, chill on the personal shit. no need for name calling. if you have a problem with deviant’s ambiguousness, don’t reply to deviant’s comments.
with that being said, deviant, this isn’t the first time that someone has been confused by that same ambiguity (myself included), and i’m sure it won’t be the last. i’m not asking you to “explain yourself”, but at least, for continuity’s sake, be more consistent with your subjective pronouns.
I didn’t issue any name calling but I do have a potty mouth at times. I have no problem with responding to his/her comments…I only got offended when he/she excused my “gender confusion”…as if.
I do however have a problem with people blantantly misleading others(and for humors sake might I add) and then act as if something is wrong with the person being mislead.
Anyhow it’s done…digressing
I have to apologize for getting ignorant on your site. I’ve been super duper stressed and maybe this isn’t the appropriate mental outlet for me right now.
And my apologies to Deviant, although I disagree with it’s tactics.
“with that being said, deviant, this isn’t the first time that someone has been confused by that same ambiguity (myself included), and i’m sure it won’t be the last.”
Champ,
I do not post responses with the intention of deceiving people about my gender. I cannot help if my comments don’t line up with what other have in their mind as male/female. if you go back and read my comments on previous posts (“Thank you Officer Torres”, “Bamboo Earrings”, etc.) you will see that I never straddle the fence.
I don’t pretend to be a guy or a girl. I answer questions and comment as I see fit.
The “gender confusion” Tecia is referring to happened because I made a comment about women and she assumed that because it wasn’t exactly complimentary, that I was a man. Which was incorrect and so I corrected her. – And I might point out that, that particular comment was #1 for me that day so it’s not like she had anything else to base her assumption on… I attributed it to it being her first visit/comment, which is why I said I would excuse the mix-up, because if she’d have been involved in some of the previous discussions she might have a better idea of which gender she was responding to…
Again, I can’t help it if people make assumptions about my gender based on my comments. That’s on them.
Now when people ask me if I am a man or a woman, I most certainly do give a ridiculously ambiguous answer because IT SHOULDN’T MATTER.
Coincidentally, “Ambiguously Gay Duo” was one of my favorite segments on SNL.
HALLELUJAH!
Bottom line: You shouldn’t want more for someone than they want for themselves. You’ll just end up disappointed.
So true. I’m all for pushing your mate to be the best they can be but as a cheerleader, not as their main dream builder.
“…potential is the number one killer of the hopes and dreams in a relationship.’
I am so guilty of this…I won’t get into the details of my own experiences, but women are always on future-mode. Most of us won’t get into a relationship with a man that we can’t see cooking breakfast and birthing babies for. (Or is that just me?) We go into relationships with one question on our mind …”Is he THE ONE?”
I’m not sure what or who ‘THE ONE’ is, but somewhere between tea parties and makeup women got programmed to look for him. Sometimes we trick ourselves into thinking that by believing in Mr Right Now or the potential we have concocted in our minds that he will magically morph in the perfect guy and all will be perfect in our worlds….WRONG! And as for all that molding and morphing you’re talking about… I was always taught that you can’t change people. So I personally have never tried.
A friend of mine on the other hand is always down for ‘the fixer uppers’. She goes straight for the guy who needs a little motivation to get his ish together and she’s happy to play that role just so she can get the credit. I never understood that either Panama, but she says she gets with the ones who need work because all the good models are already spoken for…I personally think that’s a lame excuse for settling.
She goes straight for the guy who needs a little motivation to get his ish together and she’s happy to play that role just so she can get the credit
Your friend isn’t the only one like that. There are a lot of women like that. I wrote an article about it sometime ago. Women in this category like to Rescue men and it makes them feel better to do so. But one thing about it, after the hero adoration is over, either the woman loses interest in the guy or the guy moves on.
lol, is that like the Mrs. version of Captain Save-a-Ho?
And isn’t it one thing to motivate someone into get their ish together (tapping into qualities that they already OWN), and a whole other thing to motivate a man into doing chores (pushing qualities onto them that they may never have possessed in the first place)?
“And isn’t it one thing to motivate someone into get their ish together (tapping into qualities that they already OWN), and a whole other thing to motivate a man into doing chores (pushing qualities onto them that they may never have possessed in the first place)?”
Absofuckinglutely.
I think this goes back to women’s tendency to manipulate…what is this betting on potential situation, as Panama called it making a man your personal play dough, but a sublime form of manipulation? If we know that the guy is a fixer-upper…we have more “clay” to work with. If he’s already, molded, shaped and ready for the kiln…where’s the fun in that? Besides every woman wants to feel like she helped make her man, helped him achieve the success he has in life. We are wanna-be puppet masters…we’re trying to play God. Which is as previously suggested dangerous, dangerous territory.
I am super super guilty of this. My mom was the one who swear she fixed up my dad and I feel like I’m living in the heritage she passed down to me. I also think and someone on the board was getting at this, that its a cover up of sorts. At some point, we know the guy isn’t worth two rusty nickels and somehow we have to make him worth the investment of our time, money and heart. So we try to be Harriet Houdini and magically make this man into someone worth bragging about. Or if not bragging, at least being able to admit we actually are in love with the ice cream truck man now but CEO of Ben and Jerry’s tommorow guy. IOW, We use “potential” to justify our poor choice in men.
WAIT!
Before I read this post
(I cant right now I’m too tired but I’m excited)
I remembered another childhood cartoon crush, and this one was HUGE
Two Face from Batman
God he was sooooooo sexy
Okay, bye. Be back tomorrow
okay, ummmm, good night i guess
wasn’t his hook the fact that his schizophrenia was so bad he manifested two distinct faces?
which side did you find sexy? or was it the combo?
I’m jokin but I jus found that funny
I’m going back to work now
I wish I knew. All I can tell you is, when my little frizzy haired cavity grinned fat faced baby self was sitting in front of the screen, and you saw that hand flipping the coin before he even stepped out of the shadows, I fluttered hard. The human half of his face was hot.
“my little frizzy haired cavity”
-I went so far to left right here…
squints… yeah, you want this. “Cavity” is a perfect word to describe my wiles. That is the sexiest thing I could possibly call it
Guilty as charged… I see the potential in everyone, men and women, until they prove themselves to be some hybrid that isnt worth spending a wooden nickle on. However I chalk this up to my nature, and my disposition as an educator (its the best excuse I can come up with this late). But I dont just see the potential in the janitor to aspire to own his own cleaning service, I also see the potential in the lawyer to own his own law firm. So I am guilty for wanting more even for someone that might not want more for themselves. Again its my nature.
is owning your own business really more? i mean, if someones true ambition was to be the best janitor ever and made strides to make that happen (went to janitor workshops, read all types of cleaning manuals, etc), would that make him less ambitious than someone who wanted to own his own cleaning company?
Good point! I personally never want to own my own business but I do strive to be the best at what I do. Now I wouldn’t mind running someone else’s but I definitely don’t want one of my own.
I point that out to say that entrepreneurship doesn’t in most cases equal success. I know a lot of failed businesses, I think being the best at what you want to be should be enough. I would only encourage a change or a risk if you constantly complained about your current state. But I am happy if you are happy….especially considering I choose not to date janitors.
No offense to the cleaning industry but I like my men refined(yes i know this statement may cause an uproar)…but don’t hate me for my preferences.
Let me be the first to uproar.
Roar.
Up.
I’m stupid. So does this really assume that a man who is a janitor cannot be refined? Suppose the man just fell upon hard times. Seems like a bit of a stretch (and another blog topic) to assume that one’s actual employment is a direct indicator of said person’s refinement.
Hell, I know thugs that read more than folks who go to wine tastings.
And to throw more fuel onto the fire…what exactly is refined?
@ Panama~I was just using your example from the previous blog… and I totally agree with you regarding being refined. Sheet the people I work with at the university aren’t as refined as some of the blue collar folk I know and socialize with.
refined: To acquire polish or elegance;
to make fine distinctions in thought or language.
and so the list goes…
Let me start by saying, I was forced into to etiquette school when growing up. I was never allowed to play outside b/c my daddy didn’t want his daughters dirty. My hair has always been in place, my nails always clean and it’s the kind of life I have led since childhood. Oh and I started a non profit organization entitled Exquisite Ladies, Inc…so I relish in elegance.
I do not look down upon those who don’t, although I am constantly insulted for liking nice things and providing them for myself. Oh and I don’t do wine, so that’s no big deal either way.
I study philosophy, so I’m a critical thinker, I’m obsessed with politics, I’m teaching myself French. I love the arts and culture. I enjoy classical music and (sorry guys) but I don’t really enjoy rap all that much.
If I met a janitor who just fell on hard times(b/c we all have), who I have common interest with(aforementioned pleasures) then I would all for it. We would figure out what his goals and plans are and go from there b/c I need a man with a plan, my life is on a strict schedule and I need that kind of discipline in the man I date.
Now go on and continue roaring.
what if you met a janitor who wasnt on hard times? who met all the other mental and physical checklists…and made a decent income. basically what i’m asking is does what he actually does for a living (legally, of course) count?
Oh yeah this girl cannot be with a janitor…the funny thing is I see myself with a janitor before I see myself with someone in my field (acaemdia). All my friends know this and think its mad ironic… I’m like the couple from that movie Stomp The Yard where the wife was a student in school and he was the gardener. I was always checking for the facilities people and maintenance men on my college campus. Too bad I went to school in LA and they were all…anyways…
Once again this goes back to my parent’s relationship. My mom is the white collar professional, my dad the blue. I think what makes the idea of a blue collar man so ideal for me is his unpretentiousness and his work ethic…I will never forget how my dad would take 2 buses and a bike just to get to work when we first moved to hot desert ass Las Vegas. To me, that’s what a man is.
I think this is why I find myself stuck between just really wanting a man who is really dedicated to his work and providing for his family and the pressure from others to want more cause I should and deserve to be with someone “better.” That’s the reason why the idea of a janitor who works up to own his cleaning business seems such the perfect little medium.
@ Champ~ Yes it matters. You show me a sexy ass janitor who won’t just tolerate my differences but also embrace them, and I’ll promise you that this time I won’t be a runaway bride, but he has to allow me play Michael Buble’s version of, “The Way You Look Tonight” as our wedding song and not good ole trusty Luther or some other R&B ballad.
Now I point that out to show that I don’t think this kind of janitor exists, black man yes, janitor no. Politics are also hugely important to me, so he has to be up on social and world issues. You show me a blue collar working class man that doesn’t get intimitated by how different I am and I will GLADLY accept(cause i do love me the scent of a sweaty ass man who has worked all day out in the field).
I don’t go out looking for guys with money or a nice job…actually I don’t go out looking at all, but I’m open to anything once, as long as he respects me.
@ Treezy – I’m also more attracted to blue collar men than white collar men. But have found problems because I’m “educated” while they may not be, and they see the issue in that (I don’t … I like smart men but advanced degree doesn’t equal smart). I’m not interested in how much money a man makes. The size of his wallet doesn’t impress me nor a dealbreaker does it make.
gimme a janitor or mechanic over a lawyer/doctor/professor any day.
@ the Champ, owning your own business isn’t the only thing, you are correct I think I was speaking to the “ambition” the person has or wants (directed to the blog) and more importantly the potential that I (cause I cant speak for all women) see in them. Again, as an educator I do see the potential in all people, sometimes that they don’t see in themselves. Part of my job is to help them to see that. Unfortunately for me this does carry over into my personal life because I see the potential in men that they sometimes don’t see in themselves. That does NOT however mean that I cultivate and nurture that potential in every man I see and interact with, (that is unless he is willing to play an active role in that growing process). I am guilty however of seeing the potential in all men, which is why I don’t exclusively date men with the same degree’s, education, or even social status, as me.
This is so true! The thing is that some women have a great eye for “potential”, and the man actually does reach it eventually or gets close to it…oddly enough once he gets there he drops her off at the bus stop with a pack of now-and-laters and a new born baby! lol. ha ha. I crack me up!
Okay okay. I forgot to say this:
I think it’s okay to consider a man’s potential (I do), as long as he’s not beneath your standards when you meet him.
Example:
A. If I met a great guy who already owned realistate and was already investing in the stock market and planning towards other business ventures, it’s okay to date him because of his potential.
B. If I met a guy who doesn’t have a pot to piss in and he lives in his grandma’s basement but swears that he’s gonna be rich one day, it’s not okay to date him for his “potential”.
what’s “realistate”???
that’s dessaese for “real estate”
oh..ok..i get it now…thanks!
I disagree with this statement wholeheartedly unless he had a scheme and not a plan, or if his plan was music or sports. I like many women are soooo over that dream, get an education and a job already…one where you’re more likely to succeed than not.
Oh, I forgot to mention, we all have to start at the bottom…catching a man on his way up is not only sexy but satisfying.
I think I’m gonna start a support group for aspiring rappers (athletes pretty much know at what point they’re not going to make it) called
Dreams With Drive.
Our goal will be allow aspiring rappers come every Tuesday and talk about how they actually do have plans despite everybody laughing at them and their half-assed demos.
And then, I’m gonna open up a store for aspiring MC’s, I won’t sell them the dream, but the inspiration is free.
10 points and pack of Dessa’s Now-n-Laters if you can tell me where that line came from.
Kanyeezy but I can’t remember the songs title. That’s at least worth 5 points and 1 now n later.
Gone…I’m going to Disney World.
If you start that support group, you’ll end up with a chapter in every city.
But most of them with that dream sucks…it’s requires skill and talent, and that’s not something you can learn. You either have it or you don’t!
Please don’t encourage the madness!
“it’s requires skill and talent”
Hardly. Have you listened to the radio lately? Rappers don’t even need to be familiar with correct grammar and spelling.
Case and point (or is it case in point?):
“yah, trick, yah” (c) Soulja Boy
Funny…well that’s just sheer luck or a hot ass beat. Either way, I need a dream that’s a little closer to the beaten path.
Again that’s just my preference, and I see u didn’t answer my aforementioned question to you. :-p
Yeah.. I meet like 18 aspiring rappers a week.
I dunno. I did the whole carving a great from the bottom up thing. It gets exhausting. There comes a point in your life where you want to meet someone when they’re finally happy with who they are, or really really getting there. Maybe I’m just iffy about having someone depend on me so much
I think some women need to realize that they can maybe spark a man to do better for himself and open his eyes to other possibilities, but essentially if he’s complacent or is not already moving foward, waiting for that potential to materialize is a lost hope.
As many of the women, I too am guilty. I have loved the possiblities of the man which caused me to miscalculate the probablity he would actually achieve anything.
Being the unofficial relationship counselor of my squad has shown me one very valuable truth.–A woman will marry a man knowing all that he can become. A man wont marry a woman until becomes all he desires.
–A woman will marry a man knowing all that he can become. A man wont marry a woman until he becomes all he desires.
…I say hot damn that’s real!
“A woman will marry a man knowing all that he can become. A man wont marry a woman until he becomes all he desires.”
PREACH!!!
If we could just remember this shit and put at the very forefront of our minds every single day and in every single relationship we would be ALL RIGHT!
“Or just don’t date janitors.”
What?! But it shouldn’t matter what a man’s job title is! That’s some gold-digging shyt right there!
Sike.
I can’t deal w/ that ‘potential’ bullshyt. I like my men just like I like my furniture – straight out of the box w/ no assembly required.
“I can’t deal w/ that ‘potential’ bullshyt. I like my men just like I like my furniture – straight out of the box w/ no assembly required.”
you know, kiesha, i think the next time you leave a comment, you shouldn’t be scared to hold back. tell us how you really feel.
for real, that shit is LOL funny!
Ummm…okay but why is “gold-digger” the only term we can think of when labeling a woman who wants a man more ambitious than making minimum wage?
Not I, said the cat. I don’t do fixer uppers! You can be still in school or trying to find your way, but I am NOT scooping Pookie of the corner and trying to turn him in to my boho Cliff Huxtable! Miss me with that mess, I want someone who can help me grow.
Word up, K. No assembly required! We can work pass some of your issues, I can teach you how to make a good omelet or sweet potatoe pie. But I didn’t spend all that money to go to Howard to end up with a janitor, a d-boy or a fool of any educational background.
“But I didn’t spend all that money to go to Howard to end up with a janitor, a d-boy or a fool of any educational background.”
…so basically you spent all that money to go to howard just to find a rich husband?
lol…good one yayo!!
I’m going to need more people on this here Internets to join me in reality. Over here in reality people have real shit with them that may or may not include 8-figure salaries and 20,000 sq foot homes. Real shit that includes turning 35 and realizing that your childhood dream of owning the Rockets is probably going to have to take a backseat to you being a mid-level manager at the insurance company you’ve been with for the last 7 years. Real shit includes actually being a decent human being who actually wants to be in a good relationship with another decent human being who appreciates nice “stuff” but doesn’t esteem “stuff” higher than character.
Ambition doesn’t equal smart as evidenced by all the college-educated women who swear they want a good man but remain on an endless quest for a rich asshole (not saying rich dudes aren’t nice) while overlooking the nice worker bee dude. Furthermore, since when does a college education and a $75,000 salary suggest that you’re a hot commodity?
I’m sort of over this notion of a man’s earning potential outweighing his potential to become a better person. In reality women meet working men all the time and that working man shares his hopes and dreams of one day not being a worker bee and four years and three babies later these women are stil with their worker bee ass men telling their homegirls how shit just really ain’t that bad with him being a worker bee after all plus you know…we got the kids and shit. And this is true because sometimes it’s actually ok to just be happy with your nice worker bee man/woman who actually likes YOUR imperfect, no-potential-having ass just they way you are!
WOW, T-Mac. It’s like you just spit a hot sixteen and dropped the mic on the floor!
Well Damn. I hope that vent felt good. Cause it sounds like you held that shit in for a while
does sound like she just erupted like mt. st. helens.
Ohhhh, you need to read my blog on myspace about commodities…my friends and I had a good conversation. They all live in the A’, so they hold these men to false standards of success.
But kudos to you for this post…I knew that Howard comment was going to cause an eruption soon than later!
ok really.. you just preached the hell out of it. If I were an idolater I would be worshiping you right now!
That’s like the realest shit EVAR.
*bowing down*
YOU EFF-ing KILLED IT! I THINK I LOVE YOU!!!
(insert Katt Williams impression) “This shit right here nigga!!!”
*tits mcgee drops mic…(feedback deafens the children of the matrix) and is enveloped in the darkness of the stage!
PLATINUM SHIT!
you’re the greatest, tits
I’m starting to wonder if you’re addressing Tits or her… well, tits?
both.
Somehow I knew that.
Great name and even greater post.
-Off subject
Why do I have this mental image of you walking down the street of your neighborhood past a group of guys and they all speak in unison with longing eyes “Heeeeyyyy Tits”…even the creepy guy across the street mowing his lawn.
It’s funny that you all equate education with a high salary and a ton of material things. You have to have a degree to get all these $28K a year non-profit jobs, you do realize that, right? College informs more than your salary, my dears.
A lot of women go to school to find a “potential” wealthy man. I know someone who would only date men based on their major. Assuming that major would lead to a lucrative career.
Yeah and I know a woman with a Harvard Law degree that found her husband at Harvard Law and she has never practiced law, she is now a stay at home mom with 3 kids… some people literally pursue what they want.
Sounds like Mrs. Obama.
WHOA! Back back. Google Michele Obama, my dear. She has a fine family AND has had an illustrious career with the University of Chicago. Don’t assume.
sorry…I probably should have made it clear that I was simply drawing a loose connection between Harvard and a strong parental focus. Michele practiced Law as well
(Sorry, I have been gone at the Universooooul Circus. Jealous much, hmmm?)
Why would you assume that? I am just saying that I did the work, took out the loans, put the strain on my parents so I can have a more comfortable future. And I want a man who has the same values, or who has at least found a legal and moral way to make a good living for himself. If my husband is a teacher, he wouldn’t be a baller….but he values education and community.
I just want someone with a like mind and like values.
Also, I don’t know any man who went to college and wifed up the chick who rang him up at Burger King.
“Why would you assume that?”
you can deduce that conclusion from the last sentence in your comment, sista t
lol.. i know plenty of those
my younger brother with a Mechanical Engineering degree wifed up a high school drop out that birthed him 3 children…. she dotes on him and their children. He knew exactly what he wanted. A wife and mother that would take care of him and his children and that is exactly what he has.
“But I didn’t spend all that money to go to Howard to end up with a janitor, a d-boy or a fool of any educational background.”
Ooooh, that’s such a harsh statement. Even I wouldn’t rule out happiness if it came with a broom and a mop. I do like my men refined but education is relative.
Yeah…son…why DID you spend all that money???
Bigups to Brooklyn. Word.Life.
Because I wanted to be at a Black school in a major city. Because it’s HOWARD UNIVERSITY, duh! And I did like that the male-female ratio was higher than most HBCUs. Did nothing for me in the end, when it comes to mates, but I made dear, dear platonic guy friends.
BUK BUK BUK. But I am actually from a city in the Midwest/best city in the whole wide world, city in the whole wide world, city in the whole wide world….
I have always appreciated being judged for my potential– mostly cause I haven’t really had sh*t until recent years.
I met my wife when I was in college making $7.05/hr at a part-time school job (20hrs/wk). Young Doctors, Lawyers and scholars were vying for her attention and offering her the world. I couldn’t do anything for her. But, she never complained and never asked me for a thing. We consistently lit candles and ate pizza (or Chinese takeout) and drank cheap beer while sitting on my shabby apartment floor… and we called it romance. She helped motivate me to graduate from college when I was struggling. She bought my shoes for my first job interview because I couldn’t afford them.
She stuck with me while I had nothing to offer her but potential and bad credit. At 23, I sold my car, liquidated my stocks and saved every penny I earned, so I could put two carrots on her finger. I learned early that when you find a great woman, treat her right and hang on to her.
That’s SO BEAUTIFUL! (looking up so tears don’t roll down) I love to see successful NEGRO-PHILIA (Black Love) in action! It makes my spirit smile to KNOW that this kind of stuff pays off sometimes…that being a good woman isn’t fruitless effort! I was that good ole resume writing, interview suit buying, every cloud has a silver lining in it motivator/homie/lover/friend to my man…and I didn’t get my “heart broken”, I got my SOUL DISRUPTED…so thank you for sharing a story that proves that sometimes we just chose the wrong frog to treat like a prince!
d*stroy, the “coalition for leaving vaginal wetness inducing comments on insanely popular websites” just called, and wants to make you a charter member.
FUNNY SHIT!
FUNNY AS HELL…and I second that motion!!
Sounds to me like you offered her a lot more than potential and bad credit…what you gave her just had nothing to do with money.
“At 23, I sold my car, liquidated my stocks and saved every penny I earned, so I could put two carrots on her finger. I learned early that when you find a great woman, treat her right and hang on to her.”
Wait, did you say you sold your car? If you are telling the truth, I think that was really sweet and thoughtful of you to do that for your wife. It sounds like you both appreciate one another. If you typing this to get points with the ladies, we are onto your shenanigans but you get 10 points anyway. lol
Correction…If you are typing this to get points…
It must be my day for typos.
LOL! Nah, it’s true. I also ate bagels and pb&j for six months straight b/c it was cost effective. I think I took it to such an extreme because I wanted to prove to my wife (and myself) that I was willing and able to make extreme sacrifices to make a nice life for us.
Selling your ride and dining on PB&J is more than potential. You were motivated and I’m sure that you showed her that in a variety of ways.
Way to “be about it”
Not even Prince was willing to give up the ride. “Well, maybe not the ride.” – Adore
Yes, but YOU WERE IN SCHOOL! This is not the same as mopping up the grocery store. Gee whiz.
Yeah hombre, you a good one.
At 23 I BOUGHT a car just so I could go to the club and yell, “aww skeet skeet motherf*cker, aww skeet skeet gotd*mn” over and over.
I also liked pointing at windows and walls.
Bwhahaha! Whenever I hear that song, I always think of what’ll happen when we get older and that song is considered a throwback. Will it be played on the dusties stations?
::sigh:: I worry about the children.
“Will it be played on the dusties stations?”
GOSH I HOPE SO!!!!
This sounds like a Tyler Perry movie on Lifetime…
LOL In theory yes…but we all know Tyler Perry’s movies will never make it to Lifetime. Only BET and TV-One.
…or logo
Champ,
I don’t know what’s funnier…
Tyler Perry movies being shown on logo OR visualizing you watching anything on logo…
Although I did watch Noah’s Ark out of fascination (that the show even existed).
I used to be guilty of this…then the “light” came on…green was once again green and purple was what happens when you mix red and blue! I am the kind of woman that will support he man’s dreams, but if he isn’t moving on them…why should I? I have a son…I don’t need another GROWN person to take care of…I’m not going to “upgrade you” (sorry Beyonce’, I’m just not that sister anymore)…you should be planning your work and working your plan when I meet you…or at LEAST have a realistic idea of WTF you want for yourself and how you’re going to get it…How are you going to try to take care of me and you can’t take care of yourself? I mean, I don’t need you to take care of me…but it would be nice to know that if I did…you could…
I ask men (when in a dating/get to know you scenario) what do you want for yourself? Where do you see yourself in 5 years? This one fool…ummm…I mean “man” told me he just wants to be off probation…really? off probation? that was a deal breaker for 2 reasons…1-that’s all the “eff” you want from the next 5 years of your life? and 2-I didn’t even know he was on probation! so in the words of whacked out whitney houston….”hell to the naw!” where I’ve come from…POTENTIAL may as well be a four-letter word…make a sister speak Chinese to a brother… like “EFF YOO”!!!!
“This one fool…ummm…I mean “man” told me he just wants to be off probation”
if i drank coffee, i’d probably have a cup of it now, and i probably would have spit it out after reading that.
i dont drink coffee though.
This a bit off topic, but a guy once approached me in a club and said, “If I was a baller I’d my you a drink. But I can’t afford it.” Mind you he said this ish while he had a drink in his hand. How’s that for potential?
HAAA! You should’ve gave him the digits just for his honesty! You can’t put a price on that.
But he should’ve at least offered you a sip.
Potential factor is nil. So says Panama aka The Potential Prober.
Man, that’s like a double entendre wrapped in a pun wrapped in an enigma.
Wrapped in a tortilla.
you killing me with funny shit today!
“The Potential Prober”
*visual*
Panama walking the streets with probe in hand “proding” unsuspecting women as he happens upon them
that’s how I feel when I read your ish, so I’m glad I could return the favor…icks-nay on the offee-kay too, though…maybe a Dr. Depper…or a Smirnoff Raw Tea…
LMAO! GOODENESS, this hilarious for real.
you know whats funny, despite everything else, “long-term relationship potential” basically comes down to two things:
for men: *is she “attractive” (combination of health and fertility) enough for me to what to have kids with her*
for women: *will he be able to provide for a family*
of course, there are other factors, but it all basically comes down to that.
this is why this…
“See, my potential is more of a just-how-far-down-is-your-bottom type of thing. On the contrary, women are very much concerned with a man’s upside.”
…will always be relevant
Is this really true? Men are primarily concerned with your physicalities and child-birthing abilities? Am I just eye-candy and a walking uterus? Say it ain’t so VSB.
It’s true. It is a major concern for many.
Wow. Damn. Ouch.
Can you really blame them?
Men seek immortality through the propagation of their bloodline and nobody wants ugly children.
(sigh) Finally, so ur a chic! Anyhow I agree with the Champ. I want a man to be able to provide and any man of mine will not have to worry about the household being taken care of.
Again I must say how lame!
“Is this really true? Men are primarily concerned with your physicalities and child-birthing abilities? Am I just eye-candy and a walking uterus? Say it ain’t so VSB.”
…….
At the very core of man…yes, I believe it’s that intrinsic within us. Just like womens intrinsic nature to seek a good provider. Not that she needs him to provide for her as GOODENess stated earlier, but it would be nice to know that if she did…he could…
I vaguely remember being sucked into this “potential” in my youth. lol Ok, maybe like 2 years ago. Since then, I finally got a clue.
There is nothing wrong with me seeing the potential in a man…it’s a gift to see good in someone (even when they can’t see it in themselves). Women have vision. I love to see a man grow and achieve his heart’s desires. When I love him, that growth and achievement are even more powerful, whether in relationship or friendship. HOWEVER, there are two important qualifiers.
1. He should have a backup plan, meaning another way to support himself if all his dreams go up in flames. If you want to play ball overseas, you should not be at the gym all day and asking me for Popeyes money. You should be working a real job and exercising in your spare time. At the very least have some degree or skill to fall back on. I’d much rather be singing in life but until I stop being 75% punk, I have a full blown career and skill set to fall back on. See…backup plan.
2. It is not okay for me to create a dream for a man. It’s ok for me to see his potential. Through that, I can support him in his dreams and encourage his strengths. It is not okay for me to say hmmm, I think he should be a lawyer and push him to go that direction. I can’t stand when women do that. It’s almost as bad as parents trying to live out their dreams through their kids. (another topic)
I guess I have just been extra selfish and short-sighted because I don’t stick around for what might be. I want good stuff NOW. That’s why I don’t do lay-a-way! Waiting around for some hot gear and by the time I get it, it’s out of style! Humph! I’ll pass!
You know how many babies are born because a woman thinks a man has the potential to be a better man–if she makes him something geneticly linked to him?! If he isn’t being the best he can be today, he won’t be the best he can be with YOU next Wednesday. In fact, he’ll probably just get worse because he knows your silly ass has invested time, expects some big pay off, and won’t be going anywhere.
Wait, chicks have babies to make men better too??
I’ve heard of the keep-a-***** baby, but the build-a-***** baby? That’s just new to me.
Oh yes. It happens. Usually at the end of the relationship. She still believes that he’s on the cusp of being a better man but she knows she can’t inspire him to take those final steps (translation: get a job). So she gets knocked up and keeps the kid. She prays that he’s going to see the light, become responsible, etc. Nevuh happens. Then her ass spends the next 30 year bitter and blaming HIM for making her a single mother. Oh yeah, it’s that deep and that sad!
“…build-a-***** baby…”
Is that like build-a-bear?
I can see some chick stuffing a baby with purpose, ambition, intrinsic motivation, drive, stick-to-it-iveness, etc., etc…
that shit right there is HYSTERICAL
New to the blog..nice joint..enjoying thus far..
I’d like to drop off this little nugget for you to think about about: What if you have dealt with a person with ‘potential’, encouraged them and when they realize what they’d hoped for…they get ghost. I know I’m not the only woman who has ‘prepped’ a dude just in time for him to get with that new chick. And yeah, yeah you aren’t supposed to be in a relationship for those reasons but the reality is that shit bites. And that’s real talk.
“And when he get on, he leave your as for a white giiiiirll!
Get down girl, go ‘head get down!”
But seriously, I was talking about this with my mans and ‘nem the other day. It was more superficial. Along the lines of meeting a big chick, helping her slim down, only to find that she can do much better than you now that she’s lost the weight.
I’m sure it happens.
Fact of the matter is, women shouldn’t look for a guy who she can fix up. She should look for a guy who’s looking to fix HIMSELF. I mean, even if you are financially stable, well into your career and have most of the things you want in life, you are probably very comfortable with life already and you are LESS likely to change for a women because you got everything you needed before you even met her. Why change now?
Welcome Tiffany in Houston…
…to the experience. LOL. I suppose that’s the risk you run when you’re actually PREPPING a dude. By definition, “preparing” would be for the next challenge or test…which just might not be you.
Of course it also sounds like the dude would be a project so you couldn’t be to mad if once you fixed him all up and got his esteem game up he’d move on…just be proud of what you brought into the world.
Thanks for the warm welcome…I’m sure it’s going to be a fun ride.
I agree with both you and Jarrod.
You shouldn’t go into a romantic relationship with that mindset at all. However, we all are human and tend to be somewhat prideful and when that type of situation occurs it tends to sting the ego somewhat. But other than that, you guys are spot on.
What movie was that where the chick from The Game fixed up Bobby Brown and he started trippin’? The SAT (sadasstruth) is that if both people are ranked within one point of each other, it’s all good. A 4 and a 5, cool. But if a woman helps a man rise more than two points above her, game over. A 4 and a 7, no game. Why? cus he looks in the mirror and realized 1) he wants someone else and 2) he can actually get someone else. Women do this too. They will stick with a loser while they are in college, broke, whatever. But when her ass gets self-sufficient, it’s ‘fuguverymuchbruh’.
LOL! That was “Two Can Play That Game.”
You kind of come to expect it after a while. I’ve done it to others when I reached mines, and many have left me once I pushed them to theirs.
welcome and shit. please dont forget to sign the guestbook
you guys have a guestbook…
you guys have a guest book… Ive been here since day one, I aint see no guest book
lol…ya’ll are too easy
The bottom line here is that women tend to shoot themselves in the foot a lot dealing with man’s “potential.” If you’re entire relationship is based on what you hope your man can be, then you probably need a healthy does of reality.
You hit it on the nail. Sometimes we go into something with the HOPES he will change. Newsflash–He’s not. Accept the man the way he is and you won’t get disappointed. If he was cheating with you on his ex, why expect him to stop his cheating ways when he gets with you. If he’s the cook at Wendy’s and is not in school; don’t expect him to go back to get his BS or Masters just because you feel he has the potential to be more. Accept as is or don’t waste your time.
Ok I’m back. I apologize (half heartedly) for the 2am brain fart.
It’s still pretty hard for me to stop it with the “potential” thing. I mean I see potential in my friends, in my little brother, in the observant 4 year old, and in my significant other. I feel like its my duty as a friend to bring you up to the highest you could be, and prop you up when you run out of energy. I know for a fact that I have before, and I will continue doing it for the rest of my life. Is that bad? Should I let that go?
How fine is the line between trying to nudge a man into his “potential” and trying to change him?
It’s a very fine line. You encourage “potential”. When you outright suggest that a man change jobs or wear different stuff or get rid of certain friends, then you’re trying to change him.
Unless those friends include OJ Simpson or Dennis Rodman. Or Bobby Brown in which case he really does need new friends.
And let me say, change jobs b/c you dont think he can go anywhere in the job he has whether he likes it or not.
“My guess is that a lot of relationships fall apart for women at the point that they realize that the man they think can be the next CEO of a Fortune 500 company is happy as a pig in slop at his retail job selling camera’s at Best Buy. It’s kind of funny if you think about it. It’s like every man is every woman’s potential playdough. Add just the right amount of tender love and care, throw in a little common sense, and help him mature and then wham, he could go from Morris Chestnut in Boyz In The Hood (RIIIIIIIIIIIICKY!) to Morris Chestnut in The Best Man. Though chances are, he probably will never make that transition.”
You get what I’m saying? Even in your post, you make it seem like the two are the same.
My version of potential in a relationship — my reasons for holding on to something that should otherwise scream HOPELESS — is not because I want to turn him into my next trophy husband. It’s not because I want him to make ME look better. It’s because I see that he’s 3/4ths from the person he COULD be, and the person he COULD be is going to make me wildly happIER…
exactly!
Ok am I the only one here getting slightly irriated by the discussion of potential being limited to a man’s financial earning potential???
The fact of the matter is whenever you meet someone and at whatever station you are in at that stage in life, you are likely not at your full potential. That is why we typically desire relationships that we can grow and learn from. Who wants an MFer who has already done they desire to do in life? What is there left for us to do together? I want to be a part of your lifes story not just an audience member.
And damnit, I will be the first to admit it here. Sometimes, yes I do look at a man’s potential. I pay attention to his character and assess his potential to be around in the storm. I pay attention to his views on family and consider if he has the type of morals and values I would want my kids to posses. I look at his work ethic to determine if he will have the desire to provide for his family. I look at how often he bitches about a situation vs. how often he prays about to determine if he will potentially be able to feed me spiritually when I am having trouble doing it myself. Hell, I watch how he handles Atlanta trafffic to see if he has the potential to go off and knock my ass out one day. (Atlanta traffic can bring out the worse in a person. Trust it has done it to me a few times)
So yeah I look at a man’s potential. And I dont think there is anything wrong with that. I look at a person’s potential based on who they are at the core. Not who I desire them to be. The problem comes in when you ignore a person’s character in the hopes of creating someone different.
Every person has the potential to be honest, good, faithful, romantic and supportive. But does his/her character dictate that it is probable? That is a whole other question. And where I think most people eff the whole thing up.
Ya know, you have a valid point, but an unrealistic one at the same time.
In this country, for better or worse, we tend to view people’s level of success not by happiness or character, but by their tangible achievements of which earnings potential is one.
Hell, if you saw a man driving a beat up Pinto, you’d assess him by that standard without having any clue about how great a person he is. We all do it. Conversely, if you saw a man driving a Benz, some characterisation would be made there.
And to add to that, I think women would be more apt to deal with the Benz-drivers potential than the Duke of Pinto.
You are right though, potential goes so much further than the wallet.
‘Hell, if you saw a man driving a beat up Pinto, you’d assess him by that standard without having any clue about how great a person he is. We all do it. Conversely, if you saw a man driving a Benz, some characterisation would be made there.’
Panama, that is not an assessment of potential. It is a demonstration of prejudice. Solely based on sight a conclusion is reached. Most womnen dont do that. We do however, make hypothesis about the men we are in relationships with. We look at it like this-Based on what I know about this person and in given situations under certain variables, a specific outcome is possible.
Sometimes we are proven right and sometimes we are proven wrong.
‘I think women would be more apt to deal with the Benz-drivers potential than the Duke of Pinto’
I had this discussion with a friend recently about how since his money has been funny he hasnt been getting a lot of women lately. And I am going to tell you like I told him. Often times it is not about the money. The most attractive trait a man can have to most women is confidence. And when your money is right, your shit is in order and you are comfortable with you. Confidence is evident. We notice it. And It turns us on and draws us to you.
Actually it is an assesment of assumed potential. Which is what I think we’re actually talking about. When we see the man in the pinto, an assesment is made regarding his station in life and similarly a determination about decisions and what he’s done in life. That directly relates to our determination of potential.
And I’d wager that the prejudice we all exhibit in the first place is an indicator of our assumption of said person’s potential. We don’t want to start at a certain point with somebody. Mind you, we haven’t even gotten to their morals or anything or drive, but there is a baseline we’re looking at from which they have to go up.
Unless we’re just trying to hit in which case we’re solely concerned about their lateral movement. Heh heh heh.
And for the record, you can’t honestly tell me that most women don’t look at a man’s possessions and ascertain something about his drive and his person which could directly lead to his potential.
Point made and received!
I’m a little confused. Whether or not we size men up based on what we see (which.. humans do in general).. a woman isn’t going to see a beat up volkswagon and instantly feel a rush in her loins like, “YES, that’s going to be a jaguar someday!” It’s a judgement, but how does that translate into potential? That kind of “potential” sounds like “I’m going to be riding in that passenger’s seat,” no?
“Every person has the potential to be honest, good, faithful, romantic and supportive. But does his/her character dictate that it is probable?”
That’s the 10 million dollar question…
*hugs suga*
*hugs jess*
*slowly walks over to panama*
*hugs panama*
*squints at champ*
Hmmm…well we’re nurturers by nature. It’s easy to believe in the fantasy, because as you envision growth in your own life it’s easy to envision it for your significant other…thing is all of these “relationship downfall” issues can be avoided by finding a realistic example. I’m not talking about about Cliff and Claire, I’m speaking of Mom and Dad, Grandma and Grandpa or Aunt and Uncle.
I just think that if you have a great example of what it really takes for a relationship then 9 times out of 10 you can search, find and settle down with someone not based on potential, but based on what you’re really working with. Because at the end of the day you might possibly want the kind of husband that after 67 years of marriage still says your beautiful, grabs your ass and whispers something completely inappropriate for the rest of us to hear in your ear, or a wife that will throw down a Thanksgiving-worthy dinner and then rub your back, or some other form of affection that is completely inappropriate for us to know about, simply because you had a difficult day. Those two would be my grandparents and though it’s no walk in the park they started with seeing each other for exactly who they are, accepting that reality wholeheartedly and 67 years later have a legacy we’re all trying to emulate.
I agree Kamilah, but if you think about it, how many people have that type of example? As a 21 year old, I haven’t seen too many married couples that have lasted that long.
Sure, everyone wants their marriage to last a lifetime, but if you think about it, in this day and age. I don’t think that it’s possible in most cases.
I hear you….but it doesn’t always have to be the typical example. For one, my parents divorced, but when my Dad remarried I saw the example until the day he died.
And truly, we have a much bigger problem if there are no examples left. Maybe it’s the apathy of “I’ll never get what I want” or “He doesn’t exist” that has some running around trying to make someone into the person they want instead of believing that the right person is out there and fully acceptable as is.
Just a thought…
“Maybe it’s the apathy of “I’ll never get what I want” or “He doesn’t exist” that has some running around trying to make someone into the person they want instead of believing that the right person is out there and fully acceptable as is.”
Two words.
Don’t settle.
*moment of silence for the truth presented*
“Don’t Settle.”
Now that’s real talk…but clearly people do…and so we have Ms./Mr. Fix-it’s running around trying to save people that in time would have saved themselves. Funny thing is, with all this “fixing”, “making” and “growing” we do to the other person we end up completely neglecting our own growth.
One sentence…
Invest in you, and the one that sees your value will buy up all your stock.
Deviant,
How do you define settling?
I personally couldn’t imagine being in a relationship that is absent of unconditional love and romance but there are plenty of people who have these types of relationships. They are based on agreements and practicality (ie companionship).
I think after a certain age, finding a soulmate loses its lustre and companionship begins to look more enticing.
“I personally couldn’t imagine being in a relationship that is absent of unconditional love and romance but there are plenty of people who have these types of relationships. They are based on agreements and practicality (ie companionship).
-I’m all for romance but as someone who’s married, wouldn’t you agree there is a certain amount of practicality that goes into a relationship?
I think after a certain age, finding a soulmate loses its lustre and companionship begins to look more enticing.”
You speak of the two as if they are independent of one another. But in actuality, they are one and the same.
I define settling as getting less than what you want.
My definition is based on the ideal that the things you desire from the other person are not shallow and/or related to money and finance.
I would definitely agree that practicality is major factor in marriage. Issues of practicality can make or break a marriage. I don’t necessarily think that practicality should be the foundation of the marriage or the motivation behind getting married.
I am using the word soulmate to denote ideal love which also encompasses companionship.
After a certain age I think that many people are no longer jaded by idealism and are looking to simply share the rest of their lives with someone else. Love is no longer of great importance. The thinking is more like “can I tolerate this person” or “can this person make my life better financially.”
I don’t think this is necessarily a bad thing, though. I mean do you tell someone who has spent fifty years alone and in poverty that they should not be with someone who will act as a way out? I don’t know the answer to that question.
you are so right, because cleary the cold side of the bed IS COLD cause no one lays there…
that last comment was in response to D*story’s comment on companionship…now back to your regularly schedule program
“K”…while you present a very utopian example of having a model relationship to emulate (grandparents/parents still together, etc.), many people to don’t have they luxury. My parentals happen to still be together after 40+ years, and it’s shown ME a lot of what it takes.
I think women’s “aspirations to potential” — while a strange tendency to most men — is admirable. On the end of males, most REAL MEN aspire to the ideal that the women they choose to “court” (not bone, fellas) will be someone who’s their 1) best friend and confidant, 2) will maintain a inner/outer beauty that will keep them captivated for years to come, and 3) be a model mother to children.
(Is that what we choose all the time? Well, maybe not.)
But to bring it home…it takes on effort on men and women to do two major things:
1) Be real in what you say you want
2) Be honest in what you see in the person you’re getting to know better.
You can’t make treasure out of trash, so people need to stop trying. If he doesn’t like to go to work, he probably won’t down the line. If she doesn’t like to go to the gym, she probably won’t later on.
This philosophy has not failed me to date.
“1) Be real in what you say you want
2) Be honest in what you see in the person you’re getting to know better.”
- A.J.
You struck gold with those two little nuggets.
I can’t even say one is more important because they go hand in hand. To thine own self be true…
2) Be honest in what you see in the person you’re getting to know better.
You have it right there…and I’m even guilty of this…you get all giddy, throw on the rose-colored Chanel shades and bam! He’s now Mr. Wonderful…but when you wake up that golden morning and turn over to realize your now going steday with Mr. Not For You…you see that clarity from day one would have been a much better option.
Lesson learned…
Guilty as charged too
Another thing I think we women fail to realize when we try to play the techie and upgrade him from 40GB to 120GB, is that men RESENT being worked on. They like to set goals, make plans, and work them out ON THEIR OWN. We are finagling with with his whole Super Phallus Alpha Male joint when we go in and try to mess with his flow. He’s a big boy and he wants to show mama (yeah, thats you) he did it all by himself! So let him…he will love you for it. And it takes no extra effort on your part.
I just learned this like a week ago. But hey, I learned it.
I totally agree wtih you, but damnit it does take some effort on my part! Ok I confess, I can be a control freak sometimes and it is often painful for me to sit by and watch you waste time, energy and resources trying to figure it out when I already know how to do it. But I will grit my teeth and do it! Hurts like hell sometimes but i do it. I just need you to acknowledge that I was able to shut the hell up when it really called for it. My ex learned and used to tell me, ‘thanks for shutting the fuck up. I saw in your face that killed you, but you did it anyway.’ smack me on my ass and then we would laugh about it.
But hell he knew how to appeal to my vanity, lolol
“Either love me or leave me alone.”
I don’t remember what song that’s from but it just popped into my head as I was reading what you wrote.
You have to be all the way in it for what it is and not necessarily what it could be.
How exactly does this relate? I see a vague relation but tell me like I’m a kindergartener and shit. Because I’ve had a man tell this to me because I guess at the time he knew he wasn’t shit and I was like so you telling me to leave right? LOL.
The idea that you want to “fix/upgrade” means that something about him suggests he’s not up to par with your expectations which if true questions why you are with him in the first place.
You either want what he is or you don’t. And if you don’t, bounce. It’s okay. Every
thingone ain’t for everybody.Or I’m just using him…eek…guilty.
I don’t see how you can separate someone from their potential. It is how you establish wether or not they will make a good partner.
Please. Women do it all the time. There’s you and there’s the you she sees you being “if only” and trust they are not the same person.
Seems to me that potential should be considered when choosing a mate, but never used as the determining factor. If you aren’t okay with who he/she is currenly, you shouldn’t allow potential to overwhelm you into commitment.
I feel like the slow kid in class but…isn’t that the whole point of dating. To establish if the person is a ‘potential’ suitor. The problem arises when women create someone (who doesn’t exist) based on the potential they want their man to have.
Wait which direction are we taking “potential” here now?
Continued from the last…
It also has to do with some “spread his wings and learn to fly” ish like the Mariah Carey joint. Leave him ALONE while he’s getting his ish together…if he comes back to you after he’s fully assembled then it’s meant to be and shit. If not…well you know the rest.
I don’t think there is anything wrong with having expectations (ie seeing potential) in someone. And I certainly think not meeting those expectations (not fulfilling one’s potential) can be cause enough to end a relationship.
For example, at the moment I’m a relatively poor grad student. I’ve been in the workforce before and plan on getting back in after I’m done. If I start a LTR, I think we’d both have the expectation that I’d be gainfully employed in a few years.
Now, barring some freak accident or something, if five years from now, I’d moved into my parent’s basement or something and was just lazying around playing video games despite people calling me Dr. Kamakula. . . I think that’s good enough reason to dump me.
Certainly I’d dump myself. After all, I have plans for starting a family and a person who has no apparent concern for his future has no place in raising a family.
My question to Deviant really opens up a larger question: what do men really think of women who stick with them and try to uncover the light of their potential when he knows full well he ain’t where he should be? Do they appreciate her for her dedication and loyalty? Or do they think she’s fool for staying with him while he’s still in his loser state? What really makes a man drop a female once he gets to where he wants to be?
His ass don’t know better. He got cocky. Or, he simply grew out of it and moved on to his next phase in life, because reaching his potential opened up a whole new world to him. Life confident is MUCH different from Life “getting there.” You are an unfortunate carry over from his last phase. It is what it is.
People aren’t meant to be in your lives forever; you live, you learn, and you move on. I doubt its because they are ungrateful or think you were foolish.
“What really makes a man drop a female once he gets to where he wants to be?”
She’s no longer what he wants.
How he looks back at her dedication and loyalty is probably person-specific. I don’t think all men appreciate it and I don’t think all men would regard the woman as a fool.
I think Jess makes a good point about him getting to next level and being exposed to a whole new world. Granted it has a lot to do with the two people involved and what attracted them together in the first place but as you grow you outgrow some relationships. That’s natural.
But…
Women tend to stunt their growth for a man and then resent him later when he doesn’t reciprocate.
“Women tend to stunt their growth for a man and then resent him later when he doesn’t reciprocate.”
You made me feel like I feel sometimes in church when the preacher says something like he’s saying it directly to me! Oh, cause the preacher did say something like that recently…or was that my mama? Anyhoo. PREACH on Pastor Deviant!
Yeah, sometimes it is easier to push someone else to acheive their goals than it is to acheive our own.
True.
Not only that but she could be achieving her goals and has to stop and wait for him to catch up or denies herself the opportunity to achieve her goals because she’s trying to help him reach his.
She may be so busy trying to let him “be the man” she can’t be the woman she was meant to be. Women tend to do this more so than men.
A man is more likely to sacrifice the relationship for his goals and a woman, her goals for the relationship.
Good point. I often hear guys say that they will settle down after (and only after) they “make it.” And they mean around 35 or 40 years old.
As a woman, I would loooove to be able to say that, “I will settle down after I make it” but truth is women feel under major pressure to pursue both a career and a relationship at the same time. I know for a fact that if I let my career goals sleep for the “good” of a relationship errh, marriage…I would end up resenting my husband later. And besides “making it” to me is having both a successful career and a successful marriage. But, our fears are magnified when we don’t see a whole lotta examples in the world of women doing both. It really frightens me to think that I will be making one happen at the expense of the other. Men have the luxury of waiting for as long as they want to to get married and have babies. We all know the biological dilemma for women. Maybe we bet on potential because we’d rather tie down something now rather than risk not finding it later…betting on potential is thus as Deviant has alluded to– SETTLING…but in a way to not seem like you’re REALLY settling because of POTENTIAL.
what was it? A woman falls in love and decides to get married, a man decides to get married and finds a wife.
@ Treezy, “Men have the luxury of waiting for as long as they want to to get married and have babies. We all know the biological dilemma for women.”
Don’t forget about the sacrifices to our career advancement because more often than not it is the woman who has to sacrifice at least 24 months (physiologically) and then the first few years to nurture their child, at times risking even sacrificing our career advancement
Your statement about women stunting their growth for a man and resenting him later is completely true.
“A man is more likely to sacrifice the relationship for his goals and a woman, her goals for the relationship.”
I really wonder why that is though?
I think a lot of women have “find and maintain a relationship” at the top of their goal list in the first place? Granted, while they are single, this goal maybe be #5 but as soon as they meet a man, it scrambles back up to #1.
Darn it…In the last sentence ‘maybe’ should be ‘may be’. And scratch that question mark in the sentence before. I hope my high school English teacher doesn’t read this. I’m so ashamed.
I think men define themselves and manhood by their material wealth (money, car, house etc). We also think that with out such things we won’t make good providers.
I think it is a shame that more men don’t put more value on establishing a family and healthy relationship.
Women tend to stunt their growth for a man and then resent him later when he doesn’t reciprocate.
Done. Deviant, we need to get together and philosophize and shit, youre a bucket of gems and jizz
Great dialogue… Got a sista reading comments and whatnot.
I think I found my new favorite blog!
thanks star. come back again, and bring a guest and shit.
Well the man I’m diggin right now is still in school and lives at his mama’s house but I still see potential.
And I’m not focusing on earning potential but good father/husband/lets get this shit together and change the world potential. Cause I know how he was raised, I know his values, I know his character and I know that he’s gon’ do what he has to do with or without me. But I want it to be w/ me! Now I say all this to say that I don’t intend to play the fool and be twiddling my thumbs waiting for him to do what he has to do, but you know I’m watching him out the corner of my eye, taking note of his actions and seeing that he’s steady on the grind…
rum punch, i just wanted to say that besides my homie tits, you probably have the most entertaining handle.
There is a big difference between
-”He in school” potential
-”He work at Popeye’s” potential
-”If I can only get him up offa this corner” potential
If you date a broke student, Mother Teresa you are not.
You could have just titled this: Cheryl Read This Shit, Its For You. Not the head part tho, I’m not one who “doesn’t do that.”
Though I don’t appreciate you calling me out like that since you don’t know me and all. Lol.
I don’t think I have ever gotten involved with someone and not thought “WOW He has amazing potential!”
I’ll stop that now. Thanks.
I don’t think I have ever gotten involved with someone and not thought “WOW He has amazing potential!”
-Now you know. Now we all know. And every woman on the board should go tell a friend (Each one teach one.)
And the next person you’re involved with, you should be thinking “WOW He is an amazing man.”
Yeah I can’t wait til that day. lol
Yes, I do it all the time…Wow, he is an amazing man…I wonder if he and his wife are happy?