I know a lot of people swear they don’t use the bathroom at work. Quite frankly I think they’re full of sh*t.
Pun.
The fact is, everybody at some point ends up having to use a public restroom. Nobody likes doing this, but it is a necessary evil (as somebody pointed out yesterday). Since it’s a necessity, wouldn’t the world be a better place if there were rules of common decency that everybody was forced to abide by? Better yet, what if they were actually enforceable?
I’m getting excited just thinking about it.
Well, lucky for you, Panama is a humanitarian whose sole wish in this life is to heal the world and make it a better place, for you and for me and the entire human race. Without the intense physical facial deformity and all.
So because I love you, here are some rules to this sh*t, this public restroom sh*t (by the way, I wrote me a manual).
Please paste these rules up in your place of employment. Though people should know these things from common sense…apparently some sh*t just needs to be said.
Rule 1: Wash your hands because I don’t want to do the Balkan Sea Scratching Dance
It amazes me how many nasty motherf*ckers there are in the world. People that will walk into a crowded restroom, use it, then walk right out touching whatever their hearts desire without even a drop of water touching their tainted flesh. And folks wonder why there are people out there walking around with face masks and rubber gloves on the street.
Cuz nasty motherf*ckers LIVE.
Rule 2: There is no love in the champagne room, and there should be no talking in the bathroom UNLESS we are BOTH at the sink washing our hands (see Rule 1).
I don’t know about you, but if I’m standing at a urinal handling my business (or squatting at a stall for my ladies out there), I really do not want to have a conversation about the Miami Heat, swine flu, or Lady Gaga while I’m making piss hearts on the porcelain. I want to be able to concentrate in peace. There is no matter on Earth THAT pressing that it must be spoken of while another grown ass man/woman is handling toiletries. Only if Jesus has just showed up in the office elevator should you speak to me.
You know what, let’s take this a step further. If I’m sitting in a stall and you recognize my shoes, do not speak to me. I do not like that sh*t.
Rule 3: If you are in a bathroom where there are available stalls, always make sure there is a one stall buffer between you and the person next to you, if possible.
This perplexes me. Let’s be real, taking a sh*t is a very personal thing. It’s bad enough that you decided that you couldn’t wait until you got home, but the fact that somebody sat next to you makes the situation even worse. It makes you claustrophobic AND it pisses you off because you know there are available stalls.
Look, just don’t sit in the stall next to somebody. It just isn’t right.
And speaking of bathroom habits…
Rule 4: Taking a crap should not sound like you’re going into labor at work. It just shouldn’t.
It’s been established that taking a crap is a personal thing. There is no reason in HELL I should feel like I’m in the stall with you coaching and coaxing you to the finish line. Nothing makes me feel more uncomfortable than to walk into the bathroom to a bunch of grunting, wheezing, and heavy breathing. It’s just not right. I know sometimes you just don’t feel good and you gotta go. However, be a little more considerate. I don’t want to be forced to hear a loud grunt then a big plop in the water. Give me one or the other but preferably neither.
Thank you.
Rule 5: After stanking up the whole bathroom, do not, I repeat, do not spray on any body spray in hopes of masking the sh*t laden stench your pores are emitting.
Word to the wise…sh*t+body spray smells like sh*t+body spray. The two never mix the way you think they do. You will offend people and make me talk about you. You’re lilac body spray never quite covers up the smell of ass monkeys.
You just smell like LILAC SH*T.
I simply cannot emphasize this enough.
So good proprietors of VSB, are there any other rules to bathroom etiquette that need outlining?
Share. But ta-ta, don’t share too much (see Rule 4).
-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL, HE A 3
Related posts:
{ 48 comments… read them below or add one }
Please flush as soon as the kids fall in the pool. Do not allow the poo to linger and carry on your stench!
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The Champ {November 13th, 2009 at 11:01 am}
@Satya,
“allow the poo to linger”
this sounds like the hook on a bass or house music track
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Panama Jackson {November 13th, 2009 at 12:09 pm}
@The Champ, or a cranberries spoof song…
“…do you have to let it linger…doyou have to, do you have too…”
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Cheekie {November 13th, 2009 at 12:30 pm}
@The Champ,
LMAO. It does.
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cam1ll3 {November 13th, 2009 at 11:10 pm}
@Satya,
AMEN. that was the absolute first thing i thought of. dunk n flush is what i like to call it. if you’re really tight with your sh*t (guffaw), you’ll dunkflushnspray–and spray should be antiseptic aerosol like lysol linen or oust. bath and body works ain’t got the strength for bm’s resulting from the chipotle burrito you scarfed down at lunch. thank you. and tell a friend.
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Printing out as we speak……
I do the one stall space because of the talking…Heifers at my job will talk through the whole pissing process…while taking a sh!t.
My company is off….just off. But then, the strangest, skanky, chicks rock the ladies room. I think that room is zoned for drama and coonery.
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V.E.G. {November 13th, 2009 at 3:20 am}
@LittleMissStrange,
At my old gig, a chick I could not stand decided to talk to me while she was in the stall next to mine. Then I smelled an odor. I was out done on so many levels.
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Panama Jackson {November 13th, 2009 at 12:10 pm}
@V.E.G., I was out done on so many levels.
i cant decide if this is a pun or not.
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V.E.G. {November 13th, 2009 at 1:08 pm}
@Panama Jackson,
It was not.
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The Champ {November 13th, 2009 at 11:00 am}
@LittleMissStrange,
welcome and sh*t
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LittleMissStrange {November 13th, 2009 at 6:05 pm}
@The Champ,
Thanks and sh!t. Im a regular, just changed the name.
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Important rule: Flush w/ ur feet if possible. I ALWAYS do it. I get all stretchy when it’s time for that. I DO NOT touch them public flushes. But the bottom of my shoe does.
Also: Get some strong hamstrings. Squat. Booty shouldn’t touch the toilet seat. You may F around and get foot & mouth disease if it does. UNCLEAN!!!
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A-Town Genius {November 13th, 2009 at 2:07 am}
@Luvvie,
I don’t squat cause usually if I just HAVE to go and do it at work it’s gonna be a minute. However I will use a half roll of toilet tissue just to cover the seat before I even sit down. I almost feel like an artist when I’m done covering that seat
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Panama Jackson {November 13th, 2009 at 12:11 pm}
@A-Town Genius, a minute huh…
i’m often tickled at the folks who i see walk into the bathroom with a newspaper or book with no shame whatsoever…
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Cheekie {November 13th, 2009 at 12:28 pm}
@Panama Jackson,
LOL!
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The Champ {November 13th, 2009 at 11:11 am}
@Luvvie,
Flush w/ ur feet if possible.
this sounds gay
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cam1ll3 {November 13th, 2009 at 11:18 pm}
@Luvvie,
yeah squatting is the move. people sprinkle the seat and don’t wipe. i ain’t with mr. kelly…i don’t like pee on me.
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Oh yeah. Please dont take your old WEAVE out your sweaty, need to be washed hair….
Your stray weave balls are getting caught in my dress shoes, thanks.
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Liz {November 13th, 2009 at 1:30 am}
*dead*
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LittleMissStrange {November 13th, 2009 at 6:06 pm}
@Liz,
The next hairball Im posting up for you
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V.E.G. {November 13th, 2009 at 3:19 am}
@LittleMissStrange,
On a somewhat related note, some sista in my office is shedding hair like crazy. It’s all over the toilet seats, in the sink. It’s ridiculous.
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Panama Jackson {November 13th, 2009 at 12:12 pm}
@V.E.G., you know, i’m starting to think that the women’s restroom is nastier than most women think the men’s bathroom is
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Miss Patterson {November 13th, 2009 at 12:30 pm}
@Panama Jackson, it is. trust me. it is. you might rethink your s3xual preference after taking a tour of a random ladies room.
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The One & True GEM... of the Ocean {November 13th, 2009 at 12:44 pm}
@Panama Jackson,
ive encountered some pretty gross women’s restrooms. but ive never encountered a clean men’s restroom or a men’s restroom that was actually cleaner than the women’s. men tend to just nasty pissers by default. so if you have really nasty men, then it just compounds the issue. ugh.
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cam1ll3 {November 13th, 2009 at 11:21 pm}
@Panama Jackson,
ain’t no maybe. we’re notoriously gross unfortunately.
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Amen to rule 5. Masking the problem doesn’t work…event if it’s OUST. Public restrooms are definitely a necessary evil.
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The Champ {November 13th, 2009 at 11:12 am}
@TheSoledad,
welcome and sh*t, i think
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and of course there’s always the “if you tinkle when you sprinkle rule”.
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The One & True GEM... of the Ocean {November 13th, 2009 at 11:35 am}
@Happy Meal,
there’s nothing worse than seeing urine sprayed all over a toilet seat. even tho my @$$ never comes close to touching the seat, i still dont want to SEE some one’s piss.
which also reminds me… if you take a crap, flush all the remainder away!! i should never have to see your residual in the toilet cuz you weren’t courteous enough to get rid of it all. uugghhh that’s soooo gross!!
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Panama Jackson {November 13th, 2009 at 12:13 pm}
@The One & True GEM… of the Ocean, there’s nothing worse than seeing urine sprayed all over a toilet seat. even tho my @$$ never comes close to touching the seat, i still dont want to SEE some one’s piss.
wait…this happens in the women’s restroom? women have aim problems???
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Miss Patterson {November 13th, 2009 at 12:33 pm}
@Panama Jackson, YES. women have terrible aim. think about it. we don’t have a shooter.
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Panama Jackson {November 13th, 2009 at 12:39 pm}
@Miss Patterson, but you start with an advantage of hovering DIRECTLY over the hole, which in my countries, is fairly damn big. you dont need a shooter to drop a quarter in the ocean.
The One & True GEM... of the Ocean {November 13th, 2009 at 12:40 pm}
@Panama Jackson,
yes, this happens ALL the time. its probably from women who squat. some women spray, apparently, instead of having a single, neat stream. either way, clean up after yourself!!! no reason for you not to wipe the seat you just peed on!
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To add on to the last rule
A) drop and flush. As soon as it drops flush
B) while body spray doesn’t cover the smell. Sulfur does a decent job, so strike a match before during(multiple times) and after.
6.To all that use the stalls (mainly women) Please check behind yourself. That means turn around and make sure you left that joint in the same or better conditions than you left it.
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charli skipper {November 13th, 2009 at 2:02 am}
@It’s Me,
“That means turn around and make sure you left that joint in the same or better conditions than you left it.”
yes! i love it. “be the change you want to see in the world.” lol
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Panama Jackson {November 13th, 2009 at 12:18 pm}
@charli skipper, yay for inspiration in the restroom.
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V.E.G. {November 13th, 2009 at 3:17 am}
@It’s Me,
As gross as it sounds, I have been known to clean up a ladies room stall the best I could just b/c it was soooo nasty, I didn’t want another woman walking in on the mess I walked in on. This is all before I go (and, of course, after I’ve surveyed and found no clean stalls).
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The Champ {November 13th, 2009 at 11:17 am}
@It’s Me,
B) while body spray doesn’t cover the smell. Sulfur does a decent job, so strike a match before during(multiple times) and after.
who carries matches though?
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Stuff Ghetto People Like {November 13th, 2009 at 11:41 am}
@The Champ,
who carries matches though?
a) Smokers?
b) Same people who bring their own hot sauce everywhere.
Choose your own adventure.
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V Renee {November 13th, 2009 at 4:03 pm}
@Stuff Ghetto People Like,
::snickering::
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Cheekie {November 13th, 2009 at 12:26 pm}
@It’s Me,
“A) drop and flush. As soon as it drops flush”
Yes, this is a must in public bathrooms. You can eliminate at lot of the stinky with this method. lol
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I don’t want to be forced to hear a loud grunt then a big plop into the water.
OMG, lol…this happened to me while i was watching my hands TODAY. i hate it cause then i end up trying to rush out trying to avoid an awkward scene. it has been my observation that some races are just comfortable with farts, etc. like, some folks will fart, shoot you a breezy (pun) “scuse me!”, and bound away all chipper. meanwhile, you’re like…how is that OK??
luvvie was on point with the flushing with your foot thing, co-damn-sign.
people are rude and uncouth.
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charli skipper {November 13th, 2009 at 2:00 am}
@overit,
it makes me really uncomfortable when people make sounds. i feel like an odor is soon to follow. like, even if i don’t smell anything, i get in a panic and rush out.
“couth” is one of my favorite words, though.
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Caballeroso {November 13th, 2009 at 10:09 am}
@overit,
…if you can’t rip one in the crapper, then where can you?
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The Champ {November 13th, 2009 at 11:20 am}
@Caballeroso,
thats what im thinking. i guess she’d rather people start taking dumps on her desk
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Panama Jackson {November 13th, 2009 at 12:19 pm}
@overit, OMG, lol…this happened to me while i was watching my hands TODAY.
why were you watching your hands in the bathroom?
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Anj... {November 13th, 2009 at 2:15 pm}
@Panama Jackson,
STOP IT!!! I am at work… they keep asking me what’s so funny…mind ya own, that’s what!!
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cam1ll3 {November 13th, 2009 at 11:37 pm}
@overit,
a few years back i was in a stall waaaay in the corner and another lady came in. i heard the passage of wind (loudly), a grunt and then she mumbled “come on, gas!”
why are we talking out loud to our poots?
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NiazDad, enjoying the sandbox.. {November 14th, 2009 at 1:40 am}
@cam1ll3, LMAO….wow…that had to be hella funny to hear though…
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cam1ll3 {November 14th, 2009 at 2:25 am}
@NiazDad, enjoying the sandbox..,
it is now. not so much then.
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can we talk about how mike tyson just got arrested?
kidding….i just wants my award, The Champ.
um….but re: the topic
:
–i just want women to not be triflin. if there are certain biological needs you need to take care of, please be discreet. i don’t want to see pads strewn about the bathroom instead of in the little waste basket! i always feel so sorry for the cleaning people when grown a*s women get out of pocket.
–i can’t cosign the hand washing issue enough. um……………i don’t want to talk about race. but…..i just need everybody to wash the hands with soap. hell, at least respect me enough to pretend and do a 3 second vanity sprinkle.
–unless it’s an emergency or you’re just going into the bathroom to have some privacy, i don’t think people should be talking on cell phones in bathrooms. it bothers me to hear somebody “making” while carrying on a full conversation. cuz that’s that same nasty bastard that will do a 3 second vanity sprinkle, then come back to the lunch table and slam that filthy a*s cellphone down next to my iced tea.
–also, i don’t know if this can be a rule, but it annoys me to no end when ill-a-formed lookin 2520 girls that think they’re cute block the mirror & sink space. take a glance, realize those split ends aren’t goin anywhere and then move , waynch. like, why do i have to use this bathroom break as an opportunity to teach you about the limitations of time and space?
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The Champ {November 13th, 2009 at 11:22 am}
@charli skipper,
can we talk about how mike tyson just got arrested?
kidding….i just wants my award, The Champ.
award deez
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Panama Jackson {November 13th, 2009 at 12:20 pm}
@charli skipper, –i just want women to not be triflin. if there are certain biological needs you need to take care of, please be discreet. i don’t want to see pads strewn about the bathroom instead of in the little waste basket! i always feel so sorry for the cleaning people when grown a*s women get out of pocket.
at my club, we used to a lesbian party. i can’t tell you how bad i felt for our cleaning crew at the end of the night up in the women’s bathroom and all the pads and nastiness all over.
yech.
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cam1ll3 {November 14th, 2009 at 12:00 am}
@charli skipper,
lol@vanity sprinkle!!
yeah…can folks leave the stall in a fashion where i don’t know why you were in there, just that you were in there? walk with some lady wipes or something…please. i don’t want to receive your nasal memo about any visitors you have (hint hint nudge nudge)
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Oh man, I have serious germ & OCD issues around public bathrooms. Co-sign on all the aforementioned rules. My blanket rule is get in and out with touching the least amount of things possible. I’ll go ahead and keep it at that so too much info is not shared, lol.
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The Champ {November 13th, 2009 at 11:24 am}
@MzKang,
My blanket rule is get in and out with touching the least amount of things possible.
this is exactly how i feel during my nights at luvvie’s
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HUPirate in NY {November 20th, 2009 at 3:10 pm}
@The Champ, My blanket rule is get in and out with touching the least amount of things possible.
this is exactly how i feel during my nights at luvvie’s
Funny for taking shots @ luvvie LMFAO!
i tend to use the same rules, although i cant get down with the “squatting” thing. decorating the seat with as many layers as Possible never fails. And i also do use the “flush with your foot” method, its very affective and you actually get a full flush!
Lastly when washing your hands i take the towel i used to dry my hands to open the door then throw it in the trash. I had to do this cause i was in the bathroom w/my boss and noticed he doesnt wash his hands(grossed me out- i never want to shake his hand again or take any papers from him)
for monday’s post, cant you pleeeease discuss work etiquette(personal calls, printing, small talk, elevator rules, etc.) i alway’s have to hear personal phone calls from the women behind me(one speaks in hebrew- soooo annoying) if you post it i’ll print it and give it to her
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Super-duper-praise-him-cosign on numbers 2 AND 3. But for number 3, that goes Double – nay, TRIPPLE for the urinals! Absolute worst case scenario:
I walk into the public restroom. There are 5 empty stalls. I walk to the one in the far corner. Furthest away from the door, and certainly NOT in the middle of the row of urinals. Then, some whack @$$ 1985-soul-glow-hairstyle-havin, wet-armpit-sportin’, purple-silk-shirt-wearin’, pyrite-tooth-smilin’, charcoal-skin-colored (which is fine, but it just accentuates the glow in the dark/neon bright pyrite tooth) ninja comes in and stands at the urinal right next to me. At this point, I’m thinkin “Aren’t there 4 other urinals? Shouldn’t he be at the far end of this row? WTF is wrong with this cat? And why does he smell like moth balls?”
But to make matters worse, he lets out a loud “Whooo… you catch that Lakers game yesterday?” as I feel his eyes on the left side of my neck.
“Look! I’m not going to talk to you! I’m not going to look in your direction! I’m not going to acknowledge that you exist as long as there are two grown men in a bathroom with their hands on their respective… parts. This is my ME time. Shut the Hell up!!!”
Panama, thank you. I’m printing this out, with Rules #2 and #3 BOLD, italicized, and in 247 pt. font. I’m going to duct tape it all over the restroom like informative wall-paper.
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A-Town Genius {November 13th, 2009 at 2:12 am}
@CleverScreenName,
Man you ain’t never lied! Whenever someone stands right next to me like it ain’t 8 urinals between us I feel like moving urinals midstream just to show my disgust. I think the only time its truly acceptable is if the bathroom is full at a concert or game. Otherwise you can wait it ain’t gonna take that long and ain’t that many people in here
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CleverScreenName {November 13th, 2009 at 2:20 am}
@A-Town Genius,
Exactly! If there isn’t at least one available buffer-urinal, I just wait. It’s common decency. And Damnit, you don’t know what if I’m crazy enough to get startled and turn towards you when I hear an unexpected utterance from the urinal next to me that shouldn’t be occupied in the first place. Then you’ve got a yellow stream running down your leg. Now neither of us is happy.
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The Champ {November 13th, 2009 at 11:29 am}
@A-Town Genius,
Whenever someone stands right next to me like it ain’t 8 urinals between us I feel like moving urinals midstream just to show my disgust.
***filed under “things i wish it were socially acceptable (and biologically possible) to do”***
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cam1ll3 {November 14th, 2009 at 12:07 am}
@The Champ,
ya’ll can’t do that? shoot, if i was a dude…i’m pickin up my stick and marbles and rollin. i’d even take it to a stall. and don’t come over tappin your toes either.
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A-Town Genius {November 13th, 2009 at 2:14 am}
@CleverScreenName,
Oh yeah heads and eyes straight forward at the urinal or straight down ain’t no reason to be looking around
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charli skipper {November 13th, 2009 at 2:15 am}
@CleverScreenName,
i don’t really understand how guys do urinals. what if you’re really shy?
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CleverScreenName {November 13th, 2009 at 2:24 am}
@charli skipper,
Like A-town Genius said:
“heads and eyes straight forward at the urinal or straight down. ain’t not reason to be looking around”
If everyone follows this rule, and the maximum-buffer-stall-possible rule, there’s no need for shyness. In general, even if there’s no one else in the bathroom, you count out the urinals, 1-7 and never use the even numbered ones – EVER. those shouldn’t even need to be cleaned at the end of the night.
I’m very committed to this rule.
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The One & True GEM... of the Ocean {November 13th, 2009 at 11:49 am}
@CleverScreenName,
LOL @ you being very committed to that rule.
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Panama Jackson {November 13th, 2009 at 12:23 pm}
@CleverScreenName, “heads and eyes straight forward at the urinal or straight down. ain’t not reason to be looking around”
this just makes me think of:
clear eyes, full hearts, can’t lose.
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NiazDad, enjoying the sandbox.. {November 13th, 2009 at 4:16 am}
@CleverScreenName, There is a such thing called “Man Spacing”…and breaking that should be punishable by death..Why would any man want to stand next to you while u are holding your junk if there is room to stand alone and hold ur junk in peace????
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Miss Patterson {November 13th, 2009 at 11:55 am}
@CleverScreenName, That’s funny about the urinals rule. I was at a get together at someone’s house a couple of weeks ago, and a bizarre conversation started among all of the men at the party regarding urinal rules. They (as well as the women) were surprised to learn that everyone shared these unwritten rules about urinal etiquette. Apparently, they all agreed on the following:
1) Always stare straight ahead.
2) Always have a buffer urinal
3) Never let the pants come down. Only unzip, pull out junior, and handle your biz.
They also noted that older men don’t follow these rules. They stand next to you, turn their head in your direction and will reveal their saggy a$$es when and if they feel like it.
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Panama Jackson {November 13th, 2009 at 12:24 pm}
@Miss Patterson, there’s a cat who works with me who drops his trousers to his shoes when he’s at a urinal pissing. you see all kinds of sheet sized boxers. it takes him a long time to get back dressed too.
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Miss Patterson {November 13th, 2009 at 3:13 pm}
@Panama Jackson, that conjured a really nasty image for some reason. thanks.
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CleverScreenName {November 13th, 2009 at 2:02 pm}
@Miss Patterson,
Oh yeah, I didn’t even get to that one yet. The only way it is acceptable for you to leave your pants around your ankles is if you’re under 4, either chronologically or mentally (down syndrome affects so much of our population…). That is the entire list of acceptable circumstances for that happening.
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About rule #4
I don’t even feel comfortable dropping anything in the water when people are in there. If someone walks in while I’m taking a crap I wait until they leave to continue. It’s just a peace of mind thing for me.
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V.E.G. {November 13th, 2009 at 3:15 am}
@A-Town Genius,
I lock up when someone walks into the bathroom. I get stage fright.
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The One & True GEM... of the Ocean {November 13th, 2009 at 11:50 am}
@V.E.G.,
LOL that’s how i was in college. in fact, college was the last time i ever had to “handle some bizness” in the restroom.
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mateosmuse {November 13th, 2009 at 5:38 am}
@A-Town Genius,
I feel u on that one! If i’m in a public restroom, i always put toilet paper in the bowl so that it catches whatever drops and doesn’t make a sound.
I hate hate hate doing a no.2 ina public restroom. If i can, i will hold that sucker in till i get home.
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The Champ {November 13th, 2009 at 11:30 am}
@A-Town Genius,
If someone walks in while I’m taking a crap I wait until they leave to continue.
i used to be this way. then, i turned 4.
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HUPirate in NY {November 20th, 2009 at 3:28 pm}
@The Champ, i used to be this way. then, i turned 4.
Lmao. What about when you gotta “drop the kids off at the pool” and its not in a public place but @ someone else’s crib? ad you cant hold it, gotta go reeal bad. what to do?
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Make sure there is toilet paper before you go in the stall….I don´t want to have to pass you any. I mean, number one, it like I´ve crossed enemy lines. Number two, If I give you too little, you´re all, “Stingy b1tch,” and if you give too much you´re all, “F*** you, my a** is not that big. Skinny B1tch. I know you´re just a skinny b1tch mocking me cuz I can see your ankles…”
It´s just very stressful.
Oh, and I´m writing this message from Tanzania…I have no words for the holes in the ground called bathrooms here….I envy you all…
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V.E.G. {November 13th, 2009 at 3:13 am}
@GabbyTime,
“I have no words for the holes in the ground called bathrooms here”
OMG. Last December I was in Kenya for three weeks. For 99% of the trip I used a ‘normal’ toilet. But, on a ride out to the village, we had to stop at a spot. The spot’s bathroom was a hole in the ground. And at a NIGHTCLUB, the ladies room toilets were…holes in the ground.
Could.not.compute. Of course, I used ‘em. lol.
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mateosmuse {November 13th, 2009 at 5:45 am}
@V.E.G.,
at a club!!! Ouch.
Yep I’ve come across those a couple of times in my life, and i pray I never have to walk down that road again.
It’s bad enough generally having to manoeuvre yrself using a hole in the ground, but at a club no less. SMH. No words.
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GabbyTime {November 13th, 2009 at 6:21 am}
@V.E.G.,
Yea I used a real toilet exactly twice. I was was working out in a god forsaken village in the hills…bleccch!
I did go to the club in Zanzibar though…nasty ass toilet hole there too…I was looking around like, “How are you bitches gonna walk around sexily and pat weaves and all when all that stands between you and a stiletto wedged in the toilet is a few drinks?”
These are the things.
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mateosmuse {November 13th, 2009 at 9:04 am}
@GabbyTime,
I was looking around like, “How are you bitches gonna walk around sexily and pat weaves and all when all that stands between you and a stiletto wedged in the toilet is a few drinks?”
My sentiments exactly!!!
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Stuff Ghetto People Like {November 13th, 2009 at 12:25 pm}
@the ladies, this “hole in the ground” thing sounds frightening for a man like me to even wrap my head around. This from one who’s pissed in a billion bushes and corners.
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V.E.G. {November 13th, 2009 at 1:12 pm}
@Stuff Ghetto People Like,
it’s some difficult ish to understand…and use without completely making a mess on yourself.
Panama Jackson {November 13th, 2009 at 12:27 pm}
@GabbyTime, a hole in the ground is just wrong on so many levels.
mostly ground level, but just wrong.
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C'est La Vie {November 18th, 2009 at 7:28 pm}
@Panama Jackson, there are just some places in my part of the world that don’t have good dookey facilities…yet, we are working on it.
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If you – fathers especially, since mothers usually know better – have to bring your small son or daughter into the restroom, please wipe the seat clean.
I’ll never forget the time the ladies room was broke at the mall. My little daughter really had to go, so I checked the men’s room. It was empty. We snuck in. The toilets were gross beyond belief and should have been quarantined. So we’re in the least filthy of one and I’m holding her so her fanny won’t touch the seat, and in walks this guy with his little boy. Heck, maybe it was his girlfriend’s kid, ’cause he sure didn’t care about him.
I could hear the boy whining, “Look at it! It’s too nasty to sit on!”
What does this moronic jerk say?
“Aww, go ‘head. It’ll be aight.”
I could’ve killed him. My own kid looked at me and her eyes said, “dang, there’s poop on that seat!” I wanted to cuss him out but we weren’t supposed to be in the men’s room. Kid could’ve caught hepatitis. I looked for that fool after we slipped out to see if he was with the mother to tell her about it, but they were gone.
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NiazDad, enjoying the sandbox.. {November 13th, 2009 at 4:20 am}
@Kit (Keep It Trill), Yea that is plan ole’ disgusting…i know when i had to take my daughter into the men’s room. I have a patented hold for her so she can go pee in peace and never get close to the sit..can’t trust those public bathroom seats!!! People nasty!!!
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cam1ll3 {November 14th, 2009 at 12:17 am}
@Kit (Keep It Trill),
who needs to be reported to cps? that guy…
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Wipe the seat
Be a good sniper, aim for the bowl
Don’t puke in the urinal (Damn)
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The Champ {November 13th, 2009 at 11:31 am}
@Da Iceman,
Don’t puke in the urinal (Damn)
that just made my skin crawl
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miss t-lee {November 13th, 2009 at 12:07 pm}
@The Champ,
I’m just thinking…if I have to puke in a public restoom it’s gonna be the sink, or the floor.
Ain’t no dayum way, it would be a urinal or a toilet.
*heebie jeebies*
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Panama Jackson {November 13th, 2009 at 12:28 pm}
@miss t-lee, yeah, im with you. i might be drunk, but i’d be lucid enough to just hurl on the floor instead of touching a toilet.
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*dead* at #4
Another thing that irks me is people who use their cell phone in the stall. Why??? There’s one lady in my bldg who does this everytime she’s in the bathroom. She talks real loud and it’s always a personal call.
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The Champ {November 13th, 2009 at 11:36 am}
@Leila,
talk about a sh*tty reception
***drumroll***
ba dum bump
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nikki87 {November 13th, 2009 at 1:01 pm}
@The Champ,
lol..i can’t believe that actually made me laugh
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Clearly this Caster Semenya issue is more prevalent than initially thought because all the piss on the seat in the ladies room indicates the presence of male genitalia. Those of you “ladies” who apparently can stand and pee might want to go back and get the results of those gender tests so you can begin to use the correct bathroom.
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The Champ {November 13th, 2009 at 11:33 am}
@Rapture,
welcome and sh*t (i think)
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miss t-lee {November 13th, 2009 at 11:35 am}
@Rapture,
(no caster semenya action)
You be suprised how many dirty wanches leave drops on the bowl, or even worse, the floor.
‘tha fcuk?
*I also wonder what these chicks houses look like.
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To the folk that use the bathroom as their own personal conference room….stop the sh*t!!! Don’t be giving me the mad side eye because whomever you’re talking to can hear me pee…get off the dayum phone!
(Not a pet peeve but more of a what da hell!!) Breast feeding mothers…don’t you know that if your office place is not a small business that they are supposed to make sure you have a room to breast feed in….? please don’t get mad at me because I’m in the stall you want to use to pump…go to HR and demand a space, it doesn’t have to elegant, just private. Hell will rise before I am made to pump where people sh*t…I’m so sorry…like Hall & Oates said “I can’t go for that (no how) no can do.” *smh nuh uh*
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The Champ {November 13th, 2009 at 11:37 am}
@Smiley Face,
Breast feeding mothers…don’t you know that if your office place is not a small business that they are supposed to make sure you have a room to breast feed in….?
yeah, you’re right. breast feeding mom’s should do their deeds in the men’s room instead
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Stuff Ghetto People Like {November 13th, 2009 at 12:31 pm}
Terminator The Champ, EXCELLENT!
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Smiley Face {November 13th, 2009 at 12:48 pm}
@Stuff Ghetto People Like,
no
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Cheekie {November 13th, 2009 at 12:01 pm}
@Smiley Face,
“To the folk that use the bathroom as their own personal conference room….stop the sh*t!!! Don’t be giving me the mad side eye because whomever you’re talking to can hear me pee…get off the dayum phone!”
YES! And if I’m on the other line, I’m offended that you’re talking to me while you’re doing your business. It’s like I can smell it at the other end of the line. I’ve been known to be like, “Wait…are you on the toilet? EW! *click*” You can talk to me later. It ain’t that pressing.
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Caballeroso {November 13th, 2009 at 12:27 pm}
@Cheekie, Just think, the same hands that they are using to “handle their business” are the same ones handling their cell phone. So now, a cellphone handled with unwashed hands is placed up against their face. Disgusting.
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Cheekie {November 13th, 2009 at 1:04 pm}
@Caballeroso,
Ew, true! Gross.
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Stop bringing contraband (folders, books, etc) into the bathroom with you and leaving it places while you do your business. It’s bad enough that I have to negotiate it while I was my hands, but it’s even worse that you’re bringing your weekly report in there and it picks up the scent and aura of p*ss and sh*ts past. I don’t bring things with me into the bathroom at home and I damn sure aren’t going to do it at work.
Using the bathroom at work isn’t always a bad thing, especially if you have a training floor or a bathroom in a low traffic area of the building. It can be the hideaway from your boss or your center of Zen for when your 2 seconds away from catching an HR case against a coworker.
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Me fail english? {November 13th, 2009 at 10:59 am}
@d-weezy,
“the scent and aura of p*ss and sh*ts past”
Hahahaha
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The One & True GEM... of the Ocean {November 13th, 2009 at 12:01 pm}
@d-weezy,
in addition to work contraband, as you say lol, pleaes dont bring your food or drink in the bathroom. like how do you seriously drink out of the coffee cup you set on the nasty sink while you went and handled your business?? that’s so gross to me. if i have some sort of food or drink item in my hand, ill wait til im done to use the restroom or ask some one whos going to stay OUTSIDE to hold it.
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Rapture {November 13th, 2009 at 12:37 pm}
@The One & True GEM… of the Ocean – def co-sign…I have seen lunch trays, coffee mugs, water bottles and worst of all actual consumption while in the bathroom. I think people who take their food or drink into the restroom or worse yet consume it there should be investigated as possible causes of e. coli outbreaks…
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cam1ll3 {November 14th, 2009 at 12:22 am}
@The One & True GEM… of the Ocean,
that right there is some gross dirtyness. like if you bringin food in the bathroom…i’m sorry that is not the place to multitask. you ain’t that pressed for time. bleh!!
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cam1ll3 {November 14th, 2009 at 12:23 am}
@cam1ll3,
just to add on to that…i think we should use one of the narcotic commandments on this: you don’t sh*t where you eat and vicey versey.
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HUPirate in NY {November 20th, 2009 at 3:49 pm}
@cam1ll3, agreed.
alotta people also dont realize that when you flush the toilet, the water and stuff in the toilet splashes 10 Ft.
So ewwww to all y’all that keep your toothbrushes and other personal stuff out in the open to get splashed. Y’all prolly got e-coli in your mouths
If you go to that far not too often used bathroom on the other floor, towards the back of the building, way over there –you don’t run into these types of problems. Especially when you need to make a deposit, or drop the kids off at the pool.
This has to be planned strategically, don’t wait til the last minute, because you might not make it. Time is of the essence.
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The Champ {November 13th, 2009 at 11:38 am}
@miss t-lee,
f you go to that far not too often used bathroom on the other floor, towards the back of the building, way over there –you don’t run into these types of problems. Especially when you need to make a deposit, or drop the kids off at the pool.
***nodding head***
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Cheekie {November 13th, 2009 at 11:56 am}
@miss t-lee,
I always pray that whenever #2 decides to hijack me, it happens during lunch hour when everyone is gone out. lmfao
That is the slow hours. But right after lunch?! That mess is packed like you have to pay a cover at the door.
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miss t-lee {November 13th, 2009 at 12:22 pm}
@Cheekie,
Shooooo at our office it’s like between 9:30am and 11. Everyone’s morning coffee has had a chance to kick in…lol
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Cheekie {November 13th, 2009 at 12:54 pm}
@miss t-lee,
Yeah, it’s packed in the morning (mostly folks getting their beauty face on), but after lunch is no joke.
And yeah, after coffee, there’s always a few people you can hear running to the stall. lmfao. It’s extra bogus on my floor because where our department is, you have to walk down this infinity-arse narrow hallway to get to the bathroom. lol
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I chuckle when I hear people say that they do not use bathroom at work. I work 10 hour days, 20-23 days out of the month, it cannot be avoided. Now I do work with a guy that will take the elevator two floors down to do his business. Why do I know this? Well we started to notice a pattern. Every day around the same time he would go missing, and someone will have seen him taking the elevator up or down. I had to ask him about his sudden hiatus everyday around the same time.
You named some good ones.
The non-washing of the hands bit is why I do not partake in any potluck lunch gatherings here at work. I know which women here that will get up off the toilet, walk out, check their attire in the mirror and walk back to the desk like they didn’t just have their hands between their legs.
1. The one thing you did not mention was talking on the phone while in the stall. Very rude.
2. Wipe the seat behind you. Please. The only thing worse than walking in a stall to find a peed seat is walking in a stall and it’s obvious it’s your time of the month. Just Gross. Grown women, we have got to do better. Please.
3. Stop leaving the strips from your maxi or wrappers from your tamps on the floor. There is a container for those. And don’t put them in the toilet because they are nearly impossible to flush.
My rule for those times when you just have to sit on the seat is to always have handy some germicide sani-cloths to wipe the seat and then lay on a couple layers of toilet paper. I keep these wipes in my desk drawer. I use them when folks talk on my phone and/or handle stuff on my desk. Some people just ain’t clean.
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Miss Patterson {November 13th, 2009 at 10:54 am}
@Raqi, #2 is my biggest pet peeve. At my last job the women were foul. So foul that I can’t even talk about it on here. It makes my skin crawl. Anyway, I cosign, DO BETTER!
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Phenomenal1 {November 13th, 2009 at 11:55 am}
@Miss Patterson,
Co-sign on the fact that women need 2 do better. Including myself, there are two women at my place of employment. The other woman in my lab constantly leaves USED feminine products on the floor & red spots of her DNA on the toilet seat. One time I confronted her about this & she told me that she didn’t know who did it, but it wasn’t her. WTF?!! For real? So what you r trying to say lady, is that even tho this is your time of the month (a fact that you’ve been sharing with me & all of our male collegues for the past 2 days), just walked out of a one stalled restroom 1.8 seconds before I walked in, annnnnd there are only 2 of us of this gender in the entire fully secured friggin building… U had nothing to do with it? I felt so disrespected! I almost lost it on her triflin’ behind, but then I remembered that I’m a grown professional woman, needed the job, & that I was the only person of my “complexion” in the building. (read: they’d probably all stick together & testify against me at the trial). Still (for at least 45 seconds) I contemplated going back to my Chi-town hood roots & whoopin her @ss just for attempting to insult my intelligence.
Nasty Heffa!
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V.E.G. {November 13th, 2009 at 1:25 pm}
@Phenomenal1,
This whole post is hilarious.
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Cheekie {November 13th, 2009 at 11:37 am}
@Raqi,
“2. Wipe the seat behind you. Please. The only thing worse than walking in a stall to find a peed seat is walking in a stall and it’s obvious it’s your time of the month. Just Gross. Grown women, we have got to do better. Please. ”
YES!
Also, WHY are there still people who try to flush sanitary napkins? WTF…Put it in that dayum metal box with the paper bags inside to dispose of it properly. I walked into a stall and there was a napkin that didn’t make it on the way down. The bish is lucky the toilet didn’t overflow. I think that should happen — by default — to anyone who attempts this. So they would be appropriately and publicly ashamed.
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miss t-lee {November 13th, 2009 at 11:39 am}
@Cheekie,
“Also, WHY are there still people who try to flush sanitary napkins? WTF”
Really though?!?!?!? what are you like 12? I know it ain’t your plumbing, but seriously…that ish ain’t gone flush. Then I gotta look at that nasty ish chillin’ when I come in the stall.
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Cheekie {November 13th, 2009 at 12:44 pm}
@miss t-lee,
LMFAO @ it “chillin’”.
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i work with 99% men so going to the restroom at work is generally a pretty nice experience. usually empty and very clean. HOWEVER, this also means that if i’m in there and someone else is in there, i know that it can only be one of the 3 other ladies that work on the floor. this makes Rule 3 that much more important. don’t get in the stall next to me!!! i strategically choose my stall so that you can take your ploppin noises thataway! and since there’s no way we can pretend like we don’t know each other when we get outta here just go over there and we can work on our leaving-the-restroom timing so that we can avoid the awkward “i know what u just did” handwashing situation.
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Me fail english? {November 13th, 2009 at 11:07 am}
@chasdizz,
I also feel very lucky to work in a male-dominated field. The worst problems we have are people using too much hairspray, somebody keeps refilling the lotion bottle with water (da feck? That shet aint ketchup!) and whoever is leaving those empty beer bottles in the morning may have a serious drinking problem.
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Smiley Face {November 13th, 2009 at 11:19 am}
@Me fail english?,
“and whoever is leaving those empty beer bottles in the morning may have a serious drinking problem.”
Girl!!! Your job, too?!! Bottles of Stella uurrywhere…like wth?!
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miss t-lee {November 13th, 2009 at 11:25 am}
@Me fail english?,
“whoever is leaving those empty beer bottles in the morning may have a serious drinking problem.”
It’s 5′oclock somewhere…lmao!!!!
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chasdizz {November 13th, 2009 at 3:47 pm}
@miss t-lee, and it’s 8am here.
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See this is the thing… some people just don’t use their head. If I go in, I need to be able to get out. I have to have an exit strategy. I’m not touching anything directly. I always keep a small stack of tissues on me in case there’s no paper towels. What’s really the point of washing your hands if you’re going to touch the handle/knob/door on the way out? You might as well start the whole process over. I’ll even use a decoy (stall til somebody else gets the door) if I have to. Usually, the only reason I’m in there is to wash my hands anyway (before eating). And having empty soap dispensers is criminal.
When I was a kid, I had a friend who thought it was funny to go into public restrooms and turn the lights out if somebody was in there taking a squat. I thought it was funny too UNTIL I grew up and one day and took a long squat myself in a restroom that had motion sensored lights. The lights cut off after 15 minutes. It was a germophobic nightmare.
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Smiley Face {November 13th, 2009 at 11:07 am}
@Bernardo Codi, “What’s really the point of washing your hands if you’re going to touch the handle/knob/door on the way out? ”
Tis why I grab 2 paper towels first, use one paper towel to turn on/off the faucet, one to dry hands and open the door…very simple
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The Champ {November 13th, 2009 at 11:39 am}
@Bernardo Codi,
welcome and sh*t (i think)
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Panama Jackson {November 13th, 2009 at 12:33 pm}
@Bernardo Codi, When I was a kid, I had a friend who thought it was funny to go into public restrooms and turn the lights out if somebody was in there taking a squat. I thought it was funny too UNTIL I grew up and one day and took a long squat myself in a restroom that had motion sensored lights. The lights cut off after 15 minutes. It was a germophobic nightmare.
this slayed me.
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If having a bowel movement, drop a few squares of tissue in that porcelain princess to stop the water from spalshing the seat and your butt. This also quells any loud “plop” or “kaboom” that may be heard by others around you..or even outside the bathroom for some with that atomic stuff.
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The Champ {November 13th, 2009 at 11:41 am}
@Ivyette,
If having a bowel movement, drop a few squares of tissue in that porcelain princess to stop the water from spalshing the seat and your butt.
interesting technique. i’m going to have to try this later and report back the results
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Smiley Face {November 13th, 2009 at 12:50 pm}
@The Champ,
no
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cam1ll3 {November 14th, 2009 at 12:36 am}
@Ivyette,
that’s a fine idea!!
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I’m simply amazed at the amount of sensitivity we have to what is simply a natural biological function. Granted, use of a public facility is not my preferred option, but when you gotta go, ya gotta go.
When you’ve got to free the chocolate hostage other than at home, there is no better locale than at work. Why? Simple…I’m getting paid to do it! cha ching!
Of course, certain protocols are a must… find a remote location for privacy (10th floor of this building is less populated, therefore less traffic…plus, if I blow it up, I don’t have to return.)
Verify paper availability upon stall entry. Walking with muddy crack is not a good look.
Gotta have a fresh bowl in case of splash back, so foot flush when you enter the stall.
Using copious amounts of wadded paper, wipe the seat with one counterclockwise motion, then drop it into the bowl so as to cause it to land flat across the water surface. This increases surface tension of the bowl water and reduces the incidence of splash back once the hostage is freed.
Apply seat condom…that wax-like paper made for the seat with the tongue that falls into the bowl. Carefully position yourself with the first sitting. If you have to readjust you could lose the seat condom into the bowl and have to start over. If your condition is dire, you really don’t want to start over.
Upon liberation, foot FLUSH! Ensure that all remnants and evidence are gone. Your successor doesn’t need to know you’ve been there. This is not the time to make your mark on the world.
Wash your hands!! There is a list of co-workers whose hands I refuse to shake. I’m not a germaphobe..I know that exposure to germs allows your body to build resistance to them…but I’m not going outta my way for exposure.
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miss t-lee {November 13th, 2009 at 11:00 am}
@Caballeroso,
“When you’ve got to free the chocolate hostage other than at home, there is no better locale than at work. Why? Simple…I’m getting paid to do it! cha ching! ”
______________________________
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Cheekie {November 13th, 2009 at 11:34 am}
@Caballeroso,
“When you’ve got to free the chocolate hostage other than at home, there is no better locale than at work. Why? Simple…I’m getting paid to do it! cha ching! ”
*dying* @ the thought of pooping being part of someone’s billable hours.
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cam1ll3 {November 14th, 2009 at 12:49 am}
@Caballeroso,
the chocolate hostage. i am torn between ctfu and hurling. your post was hilarious.
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I agree with everything written in this post and most of the comments. However, one thing I would like to address is the cleaning staff and/or department that is responsible for making sure that bathrooms are kept clean. I can’t stand when I go to a mall, movie theatre, bar/restaurant (where these ninjas know that they have TONS of customers throughout the day) and they don’t have any staff making sure that the bathroom is kept clean and properly stocked. It bugs me out because when I use to waitress this was part of everyone’s shift duties- to make sure that there was toilet paper, paper towels and nothing overtly disgusting lingering from the previous shift. And as a woman, I need toilet paper, because we don’t have the luxury of being able to tap and wiggle.
And speaking of toilet paper, I’m this close to going on strike if the office bathrooms around the world don’t stop investing in that cheap azz 1-ply toilet paper which only tears off 1 square at a time. Nine times out of ten, I’m the girl making noises in the stall because I’m cussing out an inanimate object while squatting. Yeah, I’m with Luvvie I NEVER SIT.
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Smiley Face {November 13th, 2009 at 11:18 am}
@Miss Patterson,
dead @ “tag and wiggle”!!!!
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Panama Jackson {November 13th, 2009 at 12:35 pm}
@Miss Patterson, tap and wiggle
Tap and Wiggle was the original name for VSB but Liz thought folks would think it was a pr0n site
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Damn P Jack, you must’ve been reading my mind!
I had a stall stall-out moment this week that angered me to where i almost wrote about this as part of my “what grinds my gears at work” rants.
Nothing is worse than wanting a quiet dump session at work when most people are supposed to be packing up and going home, than to have two old farts hold dumbass conversations outside the stalls. Can’t they find anywhere else to hang out? Then as I’m trying to muffle the sound of a heavy turd drop, one of the guys who happens to be the most annoying fogey in the place, decides to sit in stall #4 while I occupy #3. Can’t I get some doughnut? Couldn’t he go occupy the more spacious handicap stall #1? NO….so I had to endure his 60+ year old grunts and hard breaths, thus ruining my peaceful afternoon.
Okay I’m done…
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The Champ {November 13th, 2009 at 11:43 am}
@CPT Callamity,
so I had to endure his 60+ year old grunts and hard breaths, thus ruining my peaceful afternoon.
***filed under “things that can be interpreted in a much different light if read out of context’***
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CPT Callamity {November 13th, 2009 at 1:54 pm}
@The Champ,
Well I don’t say No homo or anything like these youngins do, so file away.
I attempted another peaceful moment and the cleaning lady knocks on the door and goes “Eeeelllllooooo.” It’s like you can’t win at work!
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“I know a lot of people swear they don’t use the bathroom at work. Quite frankly I think they’re full of sh*t.”
ESPECIALLY if you drink coffee. Oh, you gon’ be up in that bathroom. You don’t use the work restroom? YOU LIE!
“Well, lucky for you, Panama is a humanitarian whose sole wish in this life is to heal the world and make it a better place, for you and for me and the entire human race. Without the intense physical facial deformity and all.”
Wait, Sammy Sosa wants to heal the world? Oh…wait. Too soon! At least wait til This is It ain’t in the theaters no mo’.
“Rule 1: Wash your hands because I don’t want to do the Balkan Sea Scratching Dance”
I always cringe when I’m in the stall and I hear a pair of heels shimmying past the sink and right out the door. I heard n’an water running. EW.
“Word to the wise…sh*t+body spray smells like sh*t+body spray.”
THANK YOU. I can stand no POPS mofos who decided to empty the entire air freshener in the bathroom thinking that’s gonna stop a thing. It just smells like perfurmed a*s. Which to me, is worse than regular a*s because at least the latter ain’t trying to mask anything. I think the combo of perfume and fart is offensive.
One major regular bathroom etiquette:
If someone has at least 1.1 bathrooms in their crib, then the .1 bathroom is usually the boo-boo bathroom. Don’t go into their nicely decorated Martha Stewart full bathroom and take a dump that’ll make Tonka jealous. No one wants farty shower curtains.
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The Champ {November 13th, 2009 at 11:44 am}
@Cheekie,
No one wants farty shower curtains.
liz does
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cam1ll3 {November 14th, 2009 at 12:53 am}
@Cheekie,
yoooo you ain’t neva lied about coffee. yeah try holding that one back. good luck and go with god.
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@Champ, thanks!
@miss-t-lee You are so right…I have almost slipped walking into a stall because of the non-mr.-clean-yet-ammonia-scented-solution on the floor. I would have gone postal if I had ended up on the nasty, peery-ass floor. I’da made a full walk on my floor throat-chopping every female-looking biotch in sight. These heffas leave so much pee everywhere, you could do drug and pregnancy testing on them without their knowledge. If this damn cat can line it up then grown women should be able to also.
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Rapture {November 13th, 2009 at 11:58 am}
This damn cat: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9mFuokjj3LU
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miss t-lee {November 13th, 2009 at 11:58 am}
@Rapture,
I love you for this comment.
I seriously just laughed out loud for like 15 seconds.
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Rapture {November 13th, 2009 at 12:42 pm}
@miss t-lee
LOL!
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i have strategically marked and planned locations around the city (ie “the banana republic in shadyside”) to utilize when nature calls, locations ive already scoped out for cleanliness and relative privacy.
i have no idea why i’m sharing this. i guess i just want everybody to know that im a bit of a sh*tting connoisseur.
anyway, as far as rules, here’s a couple more i abide by
if its an extremely nasty ass bathroom, the toilet becomes an option, not a priority. feel free to pee wherever
once reading materials enter the bathroom, they’re required to stay. in there. this is why disposable materials, like newspapers, printed out articles, and condom boxes make for the most efficient toilet reads
own your sh*t. if you’re a grown-ass man, don’t be scared to take a grown-ass sh*t. don’t leave the stall and act all embarrassed if your sh*t stinks. its sh*t, it’s supposed to stink. act embarrassed if your sh*t smells like pancakes or cocoa butter.
unless we know each other, don’t say sh*t to me. the bathroom aint the place to make new friends, b*tch. i don’t give a f*ck if you want to tell me the buildings on fire, just nod and hope that i’ll eventually smell the fumes.
if you’re in there just to use the mirror, don’t try to play it off by blowing your nose or washing your hands just because someone walked in on your ass. just leave.
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The One & True GEM... of the Ocean {November 13th, 2009 at 12:31 pm}
@The Champ,
lmao @ if its an extremely nasty ass bathroom, the toilet becomes an option, not a priority. feel free to pee wherever
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Cheekie {November 13th, 2009 at 12:39 pm}
@The Champ,
“i guess i just want everybody to know that im a bit of a sh*tting connoisseur.”
Oh, so THAT’s where that smell is coming from…
“if its an extremely nasty ass bathroom, the toilet becomes an option, not a priority. feel free to pee wherever”
*dying* It’s extra bogus if you pissing all over the floor is aiding in CLEANING the bathroom.
“if you’re in there just to use the mirror, don’t try to play it off by blowing your nose or washing your hands just because someone walked in on your ass. just leave.”
LOL! Have you been in the women’s bathroom, because this mess happens all the time. Or do you just use the bathroom with a lot of Ryan Seacrests?
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cam1ll3 {November 14th, 2009 at 1:22 am}
@The Champ,
its sh*t, it’s supposed to stink. act embarrassed if your sh*t smells like pancakes or cocoa butter.
damn you for sayin that crap, champ (no pun intended).
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Rules that should be added
1) there should always be one empty urinal between men in public restrooms. The only exception to the rule is if there is a long line outside the restroom e.g. sports events.
2) maintain a diet that prevents you from sounding like your butt is exploding in the toilet. Why is it that some dudes go to public bathrooms and just let loose. I remember a dude we called psi(lbs per square inch) because of the sounds he made on the toilet.
3) there should be no conversation at the urinal
4) note 2520 men. PLEASE WASH YOUR HANDS. for some reason 2520 men don’t wash their hands after using the restroom. I’ve see brothas do it to0. But i’ve way more 2520s do it than us.
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CPT Callamity {November 13th, 2009 at 4:07 pm}
@Humble_One,
I concur with this post, especially #2 and 4.
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my lab is in a building that has 2 bathrooms per floor — one for men, one for women. i dont think any of the men who work on my floor wash their hands. i have yet to witness a dude turn on the sink in the bathroom. the sink probably hasnt been used since the bldg first opened 5yrs ago. the same is true for about 75% of the women. the part that is really whack is that the bathrooms are at the floor entrances, and to get to my lab (at the end of the floor), i have to go thru 5 sets of doors. so i basically i wash my hands constantly. becuz ppl around here dont wash their hands after they use the bathroom and they damn sure dont wash them when they sneeze and cough into their hands. i wont even get started on the ppl who handle animals with their bare hands… *shivers*
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Don’t use the bathroom as your kitchen. Why are you washing you coffee mug, bean grinder, lunch plate, and Tupperware bowl in the bathroom sink? And why are you leaving rice grains/beans/coffee dirt in the sink? NASTY !
And when you finish, don’t start brushing your teeth either! Pop a mint, get some Listerine breath strips (or at least gargle in the stall). Your minty toothpaste + “Bathroom stench” = GAG
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The One & True GEM... of the Ocean {November 13th, 2009 at 1:54 pm}
@Ings,
yeah, washing dishes in the bathroom is just gross to me. esp since i know how nasty scientists are. ugh.
i cant brush my teeth at work. i just refuse to let my toothbrush even be exposed to the air of my bldg’s restroom.
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Phenomenal1 {November 13th, 2009 at 2:55 pm}
@The One & True GEM… of the Ocean,
esp since i know how nasty scientists are. ugh.”
**waves church fan in the air with Jesus on 1 side & Martin Luther King Jr. on the other** Preach It!!!! This is why I keep on a pair of latex gloves when I’m documenting the data from an analysis on the shared computer. Scientist are the worst! You’d think they would know better. For the life of me, I can’t understand how anybody can take a Biology class & still not wash their hands. Let alone go through all the years of school with a Science Major & do some of the things that I’ve seen my co-workers do.
Disgusting Bastards!
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Question:
Why do the sanitary napkin/tampon dispensers take your quarter but don’t dispense anything? Those things should have a change dispenser like a vending machine. If there’s nothing exiting out, then gimme my dayum quarter back?!
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lovin' me {November 13th, 2009 at 4:29 pm}
@Cheekie,
MAJOR Co-Sign…greedy bastids…
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man i will never forget the time i walked into a bathroom and there was one dude in there washing his hands. there were only two urinals. as i went to one of the urinals to relieve myself the same dude comes up and uses the urinal next to me. at first i didn’t think anything of it but then it hit me. dude either: 1. washed his hands before he used the bathroom or 2. used the bathroom, washed his hands then used the bathroom again. either way i thought it was very strange.
i hate when dudes don’t use the buffer rule (rule #3). it really makes me feel uncomfortable. the worse is when someone wants to hold a conversation. dude i don’t know you. keep it moving.
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All of these odd, doin’-the-most *ss protocols mentioned in these anecdotes are what F public restrooms up for everyone. It’s what MAKES them nasty and it’s what MAKES stuff run out so fast. I have to imagine a business keeping a restroom gets uber-expensive.
There needs to be a flat protocol, similar to a flat tax–or the “too light too heavy” Bud Light commercials–that not only is about everyone being personally clean, but about making the restroom usable for everyone. Anyway, here’s what I hate.
-That guy who clearly see other people are in the restroom when he’s finished going and still just walks straight out as if they’re not witnesses to him not washing his hands. In the immortal words of Richard Bey, where do they find these people.
-I’m generally not the snob some of you are about restroom use, because I’m going when and where I need to go, but I hate when locks are broken and especially when doors are missing (this usually being the case at bars/clubs). When I really gotta drop a deuce, I don’t wanna have to concern myself with some douchebag walking by in Ed Hardys and Jordans.
-And while I am now convinced from all these stories that men’s rooms are cleaner than women’s rooms, can cats stop with the vandalizing the place and spilling stuff everywhere? I get sick of scribed up mirrors and soaking wet countertops.
-One last thing, ladies, men’s rooms are for MEN. If there’s a line at the hen house, tough tiddys, just wait in line. We like our privacy too and only find women walking in ours like they have rights to ALL restrooms cute once per man. We know it’s not going down, so it’s annoying.
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SexyCool {November 13th, 2009 at 3:54 pm}
@Stuff Ghetto People Like,
“Richard Bey, where do they find these people.”
Or as we say here in da A “Whey dey do dat at?”
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This is a good post, Panama. I, on a daily basis, have the urge to punch a guy in the back of the head and drag him back to the bathroom when he doesn’t wash his hands. I have nothing against white folks, but you never see brothas leave the bathroom without washing their hands.
In my time working in a cement plant, (which is one of the dirtiest places) to working now doing outside sales, I have learned to when you have to go, you have to go, whether it is the men’s locker room, the office bathroom with one urinal and one toilet, to the airport and truckstop bathrooms. So here are some things I take with me to help not feel so uncomfortable about doing a No. 2 in a public bathroom.
My Ipod – it helps me zone out and not concentrate on the crappiness going on around me because the sound of a man defecating is actually worse than the smell.
Hand Santizer – a must, and if you pour some on toilet and wipe down the toilet seat, you feel less worried about germs.
Baby Wipes – I know Steve Harvey joked about this but I am telling you, I keep some in my desk and in my travel bag with me. They have duel use of making your butt feel clean and you can wipe down the seat and the handle so you don’t have to “foot flush”. And for those of you who think I carry at a box of baby wipes with me, they sell travel packs of wipes for a buck at your local CVS. Pick some up today. You will be glad you did. lol
That’s it for me, but as a side note, Champ, where can a guy get a good bite to eat in the Burgh? I’m headed up there for a few days next week.
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BKSweetheart {November 13th, 2009 at 6:07 pm}
@ComicBookGuy, there’s a bunch of new stuff out in the Burgh that popped up since i moved to NY… but if you want the ultimate Pittsburgh dining tradition, go to Primanti Brothers in Oakland. I’ve never personally eaten there but people like it. On the other end of the spectrum, there’s Monterey Bay in Mount Washington, great seafood restaurant with great view and ambiance (but $$$). There’s also a few other nice restaurants in that area. There’s also a lot of restaurants in the Waterfront in Homestead and the Southside. You also have your run of the mill “fancy” chain restaurants such as Cheesecake Factory, McCormick and Schmicks, PF Changs, Ruth Chris, etc.
But if you like seafood, you should def check out Monterey Bay!!
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ComicBookGuy {November 14th, 2009 at 2:03 pm}
@BKSweetheart,
Thanks for the info. I had seen the Primanti Brothers on TV so I might stop by there. Those “fancy” chain restaurants are kinda not as good as people think they are. I can cook a better steak than Ruth’s Chris.
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The Champ {November 14th, 2009 at 3:45 pm}
@ComicBookGuy,
the primanti brothers are overrated. if you want a good sub, go to uncle sam’s in oakland or squirrel hill. also, check out the various restaurants on ellsworth ave in shadyside (bites and brews, the elbow room, and especially the harris grill) if you can
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I am probably the only person that I know that doesn’t have any real hangups about using public restrooms. If I gotta go, I gotta go. I have to say though – that it’s probably because my shts are regular and shortlived so there is little chance of me going in a stall and getting ’stuck’.
However, a disgustingly dirty, wretchedly nasty bathroom is just wrong and I try to avoid at all costs.
And today, is obviously a day for OVERsharing.
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There is a woman here who does not wash her hands after she goes, but uses a paper towel to open the door. WTF?
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Rapture {November 13th, 2009 at 1:44 pm}
@Dee,
But aren’t you glad she does no matter how illogical it seem since that keeps her nasty ass hands off the bathroom door (just in the extreme case end-of-the-world scenario where you might have to touch it)?
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Dee {November 13th, 2009 at 8:35 pm}
@Rapture, you know…I never thought of it that way. I still don’t understand her logic, though.
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Cheekie {November 13th, 2009 at 1:44 pm}
@Dee,
LMAO.
#germaphobeFAIL
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#1 YES !!
This exact same thing happened at work a few days ago. I was in the bathroom washing something from my hands , when a colleague who was in there before me and actually using it, came out of the stall gave me a breezy “hello” and walked right out the door. No soap, hot water, not even a half a pump of Purell! Now when I see her, all I can think is “You Nasty Heffa have you not heard of the H1N1 or even for your own personal cleanliness.” This is the exact reason why on office potluck day, I conviently have lunch plans out of the building.
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OK, so then I have a question that I have been pondering since I was about 17 months old. Given that We have all thoroughly discussed the thorough disgustingness of most public bathrooms, as well as the privacy involved with braving said disgustingness, why do women invite one another on their forays into the abyss?
I mean, as has already been said and echoed here, for men, this truly is more private than just about anything else we do in our lives. How does it become social hour for women? And why did my church, growing up, have a couch in the ladies’ room? Can any of you explain this to me?
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Phenomenal1 {November 13th, 2009 at 3:58 pm}
@CleverScreenName,
The answers that you seek are G-14 classified & on a “need to know” basis. It’s for your own protection that you remain clueless on this one.
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CleverScreenName {November 13th, 2009 at 4:17 pm}
@Phenomenal1,
Damn, foiled by my lowly D-11 security access AGAIN.
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I once visited an urban, ghetto high school (located in a low-income area) in which the GIRL’S bathroom lacked doors on the stalls! I didn’t notice a lotta tp either. And no piles of free boxed pads or free tampons. Zero. What’s THAT all about?
I don’t mind other folks farting or dropping loads in their stalls. Do what you have to do. Take CARE of yourself. Handle your basic needs. Just wash those hands afterward.
I like it when the high tech public restrooms have the sensor and the little black push-button flusher. I tap that button with the toe of my shoe if the flushing mechanism is slow.
Mama SAID not to touch down. Whether you’re doing #1 or #2, you do NOT make contact with that public toilet seat. You were raised BETTER than that! If you can’t hoover/crouch effectively during the time required, then you may want to include more fiber or water in your diet. Perhaps incorporate some squats and lunges into your workout routine? I don’t know.
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I haven’t seen this one. Don’t have sex in the bathroom at the club or other public facilities, either by yourself or with a partner. I think I should include house parties too, but I guess that depends on your social circle.
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Rapture {November 13th, 2009 at 5:29 pm}
@Kit (Keep It Trill),
THIS.
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You stole this topic from the comment I made on Necessary Evils….BITER!
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After working for this one company and seeing the tom foolery that would always happen in the bathroom, I have NO issues with public bathrooms.
I used to work night shift for a bank in the lockbox, and there was this one chick who ALWAYS smeared fecal matter all over the walls, toilet, floor and she even got it on the ceiling one time. The company could never catch the nasty skank that did this. For about a month, every week she was doing it and then all of a sudden the men’s room was getting hit too!
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cam1ll3 {November 16th, 2009 at 1:11 am}
@Jade Star,
that is just plumb triflin. ick!!
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Whoa!!!
Hold up!!!
What about the concept of the courtesy flush, that’s a must!!! It’s not necessary to fill the goddamned bowl up before flushing. We all have to use it. So think of your fellow man for Christ’s sake and drop and flush, it’s the Christian thing to do.
I’m not above shouting over the stall and requesting…….no, demanding a courtesy flush!!!
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Testify. I love the guy who just used the bathroom, didn’t wash his hands, and then wants to shake hands. Just bad home trainin’.
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1. Co-sign on the courtesy flush! Forget about saving water in this one instance. What about air pollution? Flush repeatedly.
2. If you are about to make a disgusting sound, flush again to mask it a bit.
3. If you have seen the ATROCITIES I have seen in the public restrooms here… I reserve the right to karate kick the door open from a distance to check if that stall will be suitable use. You have no idea what lies behind door #1, 2, etc.
4. After using the facilities don’t bank on the automatic sensor to flush it away. Take a look back and hit the button if it isn’t flushed by the time you are all buckled and zipped back up.
5. Co-sign on wiping the seat! Also, remove any toilet tissue stuck to the seat because you did more than sprinkle. Don’t do a half-ass job of wiping the seat and leaving tissue remains or partial sprinkles.
6. Wash your hands always. I have gone into the stall to simply fix or adjust a piece of clothing that wasn’t below my belt and still washed my hands.
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