Plus De Personnes.

i dont really have any outlandish stories…im a pretty mild mannered chick. i will say though, i believe your story about the “i hate you, dont leave me” chick…ive seen that a lot in my line o’ work. in this age of terrible parenting, that kind of crazy is more common that most folks think!

i do have a story about the time i made so many poor choices on a first date that i couldve easily ended up on the side of a milk carton! i think back on that and shudder at the utter stupidity. *smh*

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whoooooo.

my cousin, love her to death, is one of the most retarded females i have ever met. chick is BEAUTIFUL, mixed with spanish, chinese, black AND from the caribbean, so she got quadruple exoticbustanutness about her. but man, the shit she’s caught up in right now is just bonkers.

came to ny in 2001, located 3 guys and a girl she went to school with, started hanging out and having a good time with her homies. met her friend’s grumpy cousin, and “hung out” with him even more. it worked well, everybody chilled, they hooked up, he was from florida, chillin in ny for a bit. cool beans. she likes said grumpy guy and wanted a bit more, but he did have a young child[and a WIFE in FL]. he called her baby mamma and said they were over, but of course my cuz didn’t know they were married [and still together]. but you would think the fact that he did not give you a number and only called you blocked [in the wee hrs of the morning] was a hint. nope. she sucked it all up.

i’m not gonna lie, dudes are really smart. he never once called her his gf or anything similar to that, he always said they were “friends” and she was the only one that understood him blah blah blah. so when the “wife” umm, calls your phone and cusses you out a few times a yr, that was what you went with. “we’re just friends :)”

fast foward to 2006 when grumps said he was coming to ny to look for a job and needed a place to stay. oh yeah, you guessed it. she was helping out a “friend” for a few weeks and let him move it for “2 weeks”. dem 2 weeks turned into 1 and a half AND he didn’t pay your rent AND he worked [as an accct] and was never really out a job [he has a degree!]. hmmmmm. and in this time he called you AND your mamma out her name AND said you were worth nothing, but you ain’t kick him out?? oh good god.

let’s speed it up again. in sept you tell me you’re breaking the lease and moving out, not bothering to sublet and were “positive” that company wasnt gonna sue you for the next 3 months rent. do i look i stick peanut butter in my nose? i ain’t stoopid!! i said, fine, what ever, YOUR LIFE, not mine. of course, she later confessed that she left HIM the apt cuz he wanted his daughter to move to ny [awwwwwwww] to be with him.

with the WIFE in tow. HA! so you go to YOUR apt where this NINJA is stayin with his WIFE and child and you’re pissed? i’m sorry, why? oh btw, the wife works and he’s agreed to pay the rent while he was there, yet, he’s late with rent 2 months in a row and didn’t even pay the full amount! you pay the rest AND the late fee? hello? two working adults coming up short? don’t make me blow a gasket….

the finale…
so she decides she gonna move BACK into the apt when the lease renews in dec (instead of turning it over to him). and she gets some BALLS and goes over there to tell him he needs to move out NOW (aka nov 15thish) and take his shiz with him, because he didn’t even pay the rent, so jus call it even. what does this sucka say?? “i ain’t movin one flying $#*& till dec 15th and if you try to get me out i’ll tear this place apart.”

her response? “oh ok.”

thank god i work and go to school and i’m 3 hrs away. cuz i was damn near ready to put my braids in a scarf, get my sweats on, go whoop some ass, then call the cops and a locksmith. i been in a boxing class recently, i been yearning for a good ol whoopass session.[to test mah skills an ish]

but i can’t do what someone doesn’t want to do.

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VSB folk in the MD/DC area, what y’all doing Fiday night? I am in town and yes will be on the town. what’s up?!!

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*sighs* It’s times like these that I wish I wasn’t such an ordinary relationship person. The only outlandish relationship story I have isn’t really as much outlandish as it is strange.

I dated this guy Brooks for about 5 months or so. Very nice guy, but quirky. Because of his quirkiness, it took me a long time to sex him up; I just couldn’t wrap my head around his odd verbal outbursts. I mean, we’d be at the movies, and when something funny would happen, instead of laughing he’d shout “Zowie” or “Zonkers”, or anything equally as lame, which of course would make me scoot further down in my seat trying to shield myself from anyone who might possibly see me on a date with him. *sighs*

Well, since he was otherwise charming, I decided to get past his touret’s syndrome, and give him some. It wasn’t pretty.

So we’re all hugged up, gettin ready to throwdown, and right when we start gettin it on this fool starts singin to me. SINGING, like he’s his own mix tape and sh*t.

I did everything I could to fight back my laughter, I mean he sang the whole damn time.

And not no Luther, or Pendergrass either; this fool was singin Full Force. Smdh. (I used to like them an all, but it was 1998 and they’d been out of rotation for a good 10 years or more) Who does that? Needless to say, that was pretty much the beginning and the end of the sexcapades, and the relationship.

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I don’t know that I would call it outlandish, but I packed up my Apt in Seattle and moved back to California all within two days unbeknownst to my semi live-in.
He came back and found an empty apt.

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craziest story in a nut shell.. worked as a waitress/.bartender at a nasty a$$ ho strip masquerading as a strip club. a midget blaxican pimp in a yellow and blue easter suit with matching top hat thought i “chose” him.. the resulting misunderstanding ended in me being attacked and subsequently choked out by a midget, who had at this time also donned a patchwork “fur” hooded jacket with light brown, dark brown and black patches ,(well I dont know what height makes you a midget but I am 5 ‘3 and he was shorter than me…) .. and then the security gaurds almost laughed themselves to death …

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true story: once upon a time, a young woman met a man. they hit it off, and eventually a year or so later he proposed. the woman had a younger brother who was about 10 years old, who sometimes came to visit her and her new fiance. less than a week before the nuptials she confessed to her fiance that the young boy was in fact her son and not her “little brother”. she also confessed that she had a 6 year old son (0ut of wedlock) who had been legally adopted by her aunt & uncle and had no idea that he was her mother. they still got married, and the guy even adopted her 10 year old son. but it turns out her husband had a secret too. he was a raging alcoholic, molesting, drug user with anger management problems. as a result, both were physically beaten for years and the couple eventually divorced. to this day, the woman’s younger son thinks his birth mother is just his cousin. fo’ real.

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*enters aforementioned prayer cubicle in the back so very happy the good Lord knew that students still writing papers at 4:34am need more than facebook to keep their inner procrastinator awake and provided entertainment such as this*

“Thank you for this and the fact that I have nothing that comes close to comparing to share… Amen”

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I’ve already shared my story in the past, but I’ll re-visit.

The dude who offered me five hundy to beat his azz.
Talking ’bout he had already bought me some steel toe boots in my size for the job.
Hell, I wouldn’t have believed it, if it wouldn’t have happened to me.

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*cue intro music*

On a Very Special episode of “Dumb Chick Why Aren’t You Dead Yet”…

4 coeds are out at a club in Cleveland. The club closes hella early, and some not-so-young men that these silly heffas were dancing with invite the ladies to the hottest after-hours spot in town. The ladies agree to follow the men to this spot. Rather than ride together, they decide it would be more “fun” to have 2 guys and 2 gals in each car, so they split up.

40 minutes later, the caravan of “geniuses” winds through a residential area and stops in front of a house. A. Dark. House. After some hefty consideration in the driveway between the ladies, they decide to go inside. The dark house.

*cue dramatic organ music*
Will these overachieving nincompoops survive the night? Stay tuned to the next Very Special episode of “Dumb Chick Why Aren’t You Dead Yet?”

As it turns out, the reality was almost scarier than the we originally thought. Four grown azz men were seriously trying to create a “club” at somebody’s mamma’s house. There was a pool table and “bar” (kitchen counter” on one floor, but the main attraction was in the basement. Big ole 1985 speakers and a fog machine. In case you’re wondering what happens when you put a fog machine in somebody’s rec room, it’s an overwhelming cloud of chemical. With multi-colored flashing lights and loud bass. So we were basically eight people in a rec room dancing in a cloud.

Fortunately, they were willing to let us in for free that night.

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My stories suck…

I could always do my “oh, shyt there I was…” military stories but most of ya’ll in here wouldn’t find them amusing really.

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I got a story, it aint quite a relationship story but it is the one and only time I have ever hit a woman.

It was a hot summer day in the projects. I was about 13 yrs old. I was chillin on the block with my homies and this really really obscenely large girl was hanging out with us. Her name was Lauren but I knew her for 15 years before I knew that was her name. We always called her Moo-Moo. We all were nice to Moo-Moo since we knew her since we were little and b/c of the fact that her mom used to baby sit every one. (Sidenote: My mom let her mom baby sit b/c she said “at least you’ll be well fed”).

So in this sweltering heat, I really didnt wanna walk to the store so I asked her to borrow her bike. What a girl of sheer enormity was doing with a bike, nobody knows. At first Moo-Moo had the nerve to say that she thought I was too big for the bike. I was thinking to myself like chick you outweigh me by at least 100lbs. But when I offered my fitted hat a collateral she agreed.

Let me tell ya sumthin about NY fitted hats. They were my pride and joy and everyone new that. It was the fad at the time to have rhinestones and embroidery on your fitteds. I had just debut my newest creation and I gave it to her as collateral.

Bottom line, I go to the store and come back. I eatin my BBQ sunflower seeds and Moo-Moo is examining her bike and then had the nerve to say I broke it. I almost cried it was so funny, I was like “You’re at least 250lbs, you definitely broke that bike” and everyone started laughing at her. That was stupid of me b/c I hadnt gotten my precious hat back. Moo-Moo said if I didnt promise to fix the bike, she was gonna fcuk up my hat. I said hell no. She plucked off all of the rhinestones and stomped her 13yo, 250lb behind on my hat.

I got really angry and picked her bike and threw it about 15-20ft. Bike pieces went flying every where. Moo-Moo went to charge me like a rhino but when she got up she fell on the floor. What made it worst is when she fell I acted like there was an earthquake. She started crying and waddled into the apartment building. She took the steps up to her 2nd floor apartment. Word to the wise, if a really large woman named Moo-Moo takes the steps instead of the elevator be very cautious.

She took the steps back down too. She had a purse in her hand. I’m like why did she go upstairs and get a purse. This chick pulls out a butcher’s knife and one of them knives ppl use to cut turkey. This 250lbs woman is now chasing me around the stoop with two knives and the worst part is she’s keeping up with me. My boy tosses me a garbage can. I say “Moo-Moo if you cross this line, I’m gonna hit you with this here garbage can”. She crossed the line and i threw the can at her and the garbage can literally, no exageration bounced back at me. Like she lifted up her enormous leg and straight blocked the sh*t. It bounces at me and I trip over it, she catches me and slices my arm right about my elbow. Now I’m like this chick is nuts. My man Guimar says run in circles. So instead of running in a straight line, I’m running around her in circles and real talk she starts to get dizzy. I pick up the can and I repeatedly hit her with the garbage can, about 5 or 6 times. In the midst of all of this, she cuts herself with the knives by accident. So by now the cops are there. And she had the nerve to say that I cut her!!! They cuff me and put me in the back of the car. If a crowd of like 100 ppl hadnt gathered and told them that she cut herself and what not, I woulda went to jail that night.

And this is the reason that I dont talk to big girls.

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I don’t have too many crazy stories but here goes . . .

One day me and my dad were driving (I forgot where we was going) and out of the blue my dad runs into one of his old high school buddies while he was waiting for the bus. The 2 have a good laugh and my dad asks him does he need a ride. The high school buddy gets in the car and off we go. As soon as the high school buddy got in the car he started acting strange. he kept looking behind his back like someone was chasing him or we was running from somebody. My dad notices his strange behavior and asks him is everything okay, and the high school buddy says yeah everything is fine. A few minutes go by and the high school buddy is still acting strange but it’s getting worse. The high school buddy starts grabbing his bag and tucking it like he’s trying to hide something. So my dad asks again, “Is everyting okay and what’s in your bag.” And the high school buddy says, “I’m cool but with all due respect it’s none of your god damn business and what’s in this bag doesn’t concern you”. My dad, he’s probation officer and he’s a real stickler for the law. So my dad asks the high school buddy, “whats in your bag” and the high school buddy says, “with all due respect none of your god damn business” At this point I thought my dad was going to kick his friends ass, but he did. He just keep driving. A few minutes went by and the high school buddy is now acting like he’s scared out of his mind, because he keeps looking over his shoulders like something is wrong. So my dad pulls the car over and asks his friend again, this time is a strong voice, “What’s in the bag” and his friends says, “I told you before none for your god damn business” So my dad snatches the bag from his friend, opened it up and looked inside. Then my dad gave the bag back to him and told him to get the fcuk out of his car.

The End!!!!

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well, personally, i don’t have anything really crazy. your typical college drama, but not worthy of a story. my best friend however… she was special. she had a boyfriend from high school that hooped at one of the best big east schools at that time. they struggled with the distance thing although he was only 3 hours away. he loved her and wanted her to be happy. he would constantly send her gifts and would try and visit as much as he could. she eventually succumbed the one of the “im rolling into class wearing my school sweatshirt, bball shorts, socks and adidas flip-flops” athletes at my school. they got their freak on all the time… ALL THE TIME. she had no shame. she would show up to his apartment… his friends would be sitting there… and she would go striaight to the back to where his bedroom was. not a good look, at least to me it isn’t. she thought she was living it up… having her man at home and jump off at school. then her man became distant. he stopped calling her. he stopped sending her things. when she did talk to him, he sounded annoyed to hear her voice. she she decided to pay him a visit, on a wednesday night. we left the library @ like midnight and she decided right then and there that she was going to drive 3 hours so see what was going on with her man. i got a call @ like 4 in the morning. she was in hysterics. she walked into his room… he was doing another girl… doing the do… in the booty. she caught them in the middle of the act! she slapped him, spit on him. then she called me. she felt like a fool.

karma is a motha.

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I got lots of crazy unbelievable relationship stories so here’s the first one.

Newly back on the dating scene but since I’m grown I’m not really feeling the bar scene. Try the whole ***** dating website and end up getting matched with this cool dude. He lives 5 hours away but is moving to my city in the next couple of weeks. Seems like a great sitch to me…lots of great date opportunities, show him the city, etc. We’re talking on the phone EVERY night 4 to 5 hours for almost 3 weeks. Job in my town ends up falling through for him so he’s without a job in either city. Well by now I’m really wanting to meet this guy in person so I offer to drive up to his city to spend a long weekend. He tells me since I’m coming up there, he’ll take care of everything while I’m there. Just get myself there….he’s gonna show me his city, we’re gonna hit some clubs, he’s gonna cook for me, the works.

So I get there and everything seems great the first night. We get out for breakfast around early afternoon and come back to the house. He’s gotta jet for short minute for an appointment. He’s supposed to be back in an hour. Meanwhile 4 hours later, he finally calls and says he’s on his way. I was irritated but honestly not all that mad yet because it was my holiday weekend and I didn’t mind being posted up on the couch reading my book.

When he finally gets home, I inquire about dinner/club plans for the night so I can get ready at the proper time. He’s acting all kinds of shady. I’m not sure what happened while he was gone but its obvious something’s pissed him off. I go and get ready. Instead of going to some great spot, we end up at some round the way skanky bar. (Now mind you, I wouldn’t have cared if we ended up going to a neighborhood joint. I just had been told to expect more and coupled with his crappy mood told me something was up.)

We get into the bar and I keep asking what is wrong. Finally he tells me, “You know what’s bothering me? I was gone for 4 hours and the whole time I was gone, you didn’t bother making my bed?” Excuse me? “You didn’t make the bed, straighten up the house or anything.” I got NO problem cleaning up after myself…as a matter of fact my friends always consider my house the most organized, cleanest of the bunch. However, I was not going to come into somebody else’s home and start cleaning up mess that was there when I arrived (minus the one blanket I had used on the couch while waiting 4 hours for him to get home). Especially after I had driven 5 hours to get there, put the dog in the kennel, incurred major costs to get there and was a guest in his home. Heck, I figured if I tried to do too much, I’d be accused of snooping in his stuff.

Long story short, I asked to be taken back home from the bar. He commenced to calling me all kinds of hateful things on the ride back and then refused to let me stay on the couch until the morning. He kicked me out by saying he didn’t trust me in his house. So I ended up driving in the middle of the night in a city I didn’t know trying to find a hotel I could stay in and feel safe.

Good times!

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Like most outlandish relationship stories, mine can be charged to the fact that I was young and really didn’t know any better.

I was a sophomore in college and started dating a cute young local who was about five years older than me. Things were fine, we’d talk all the time and he’d drop by my little hood apartment whenever he was in the area. He was really sweet, met all my friends and everybody agreed he was gorgeous and had a great personality.

I noticed that he’d dip in and out of town a lot, and disappear for a few days at a time. One Friday he promised to take me out on a date and I sat waiting for him. A half hour passed, and then an hour, and so on until I was sure he was standing me up.

When I finally accept his calls and we meet up, I kept pressing him about what happened that night and why he stood me up. He hems and haws beating around the answer. Eventually he breaks down and admits that he was on his way, right around the block in fact, and someone started shooting at his car. Turns out he’s been selling drugs for a few years and is a well known D-Boy in the hood. All those “friends” he’d see when we were out at the hood spots? Fiends. That time I saw the pot of “eggs” on his stove? Crack. I wouldn’t have believed the story at all if I hadn’t heard gun shots that night, and hadn’t seen those things with my own eyes. I was just too young and naive to know what had been going on.

The part that had me going off was I lived in an apartment full of girls, smack in the middle of a drug infested area, and we didn’t have any type of protection besides our weak a** dead bolt lock. The only reason he even told me any of this was he wanted me to know what I’d really be getting into with him.

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Long time lurker, first time poster….I have many ah stories of the foolishness I’ve done to partake in the pleasures of the male species, but this story had my friends picking at me for weeks…

I relocated to Atlanta from Miami in 2007, shortly after that I met a gentleman (at the time) outside of the Publix. He was promoting his business and he proceeds to follow me to my car and we talk while I am loading the groceries into the trunk. His schtik sounded pretty good and I gave him my number, plus I was new in town and I thought it would be nice to at least know someone. So he called, we met up one night at the Waffle House (bad sign #1, let me not go into the details of why the Waffle House is a bad sign, just take it from me it is, but I digress). I lothe the Waffle House (I had to reiterate that) so I just sat there while he ate and we talked for a few hours. He seemed nice enough, the conversation was good, but there was just something about this man that didn’t sit right with me. We went through the motions, but after a while I just wasn’t feeling him.

You know, people say to trust your gut instinct…I really should of listened to mine. So after each other for about a month, I just stopped contacting him because again, that funny feeling about him just wouldn’t go away. We lost touch and earlier this year we reconnected. I figured I didn’t give him a fair enough chance so I started to date him again (plus really the available men pool in the “A” is quite shallow, and I was bored…) he invited me out to dinner and me being bored decided, hey its free why the h*ll not. Oh but nothing in life is free my dear. We dinned at the fine establishment, Carrabas. We were seated across from a couple, the conversation was light, and everything seemed okay, until the guy at the next table popped the question to his GF. I thought, “Oh how nice” and continued on with my dinner. My “date” on the other hand flippin lost it. He got so excited, and offered to pay for their dinner, then offered to buy them a bottle of wine, then, he said, “Oh I have a congratulations card in my car, I am going to make it out to them” The whole time I’m eating my dinner like what the fluck is wrong with this guy. Why is he so excited over someone getting engaged and he doesn’t know them from Adam? I let it go, and continued to eat. He excused himself and went to his car to get this card he had just “laying” around in his car. (Who just randomly has a congratulations on your engagement card, in their vehicle?…again I digress) When he came back, he handed me roses and got on one knee and proposed to me. I looked at this nucca like, are you flippin kiddin me? I proceeded to continue eating my food, no answer, no smile, nothing, while he was on his knee, “waiting for an answer” I told him to please get up and sit down. He got up and said, “Oh I was just kidding, but these roses are for you though” I am not completely hartless, I thanked him for the roses and continued to eat my dinner (I am a member of Team Chunk and one thing you don’t do is interrupt me whilst eating).

Oh it get’s better, by better I mean weirder….He invites me to his “uncles” place. When I asked him why are we not going to his place, he gave me a long winded story about him having family there, his nephews and his grandfather and some other folk were at his place…yadda yadda… (This is the part when I should of just said, no, but thanks for dinner, but alas, I would not have a funny story if I just cut and run). Since we drove seperate cars I followed him to his uncles place, *sigh*…where do I begin, we walk in and there is a hospital bed in the living room….the bedroom has a bed with plastic on it, the bathroom, sweet jebus…the tub was……there are no words to describe it…by that time I decided it was really time to go, and as I attempted to leave he asked me to stay for a while so we could “talk”. I obliged him and chilled for a sec. He excuses himself, went to the restroom, I thought he was going to wash his hands…nope, homeboy walked out butt @ss nakid. I was so shocked I just sat there with my mouth open like no this negro didn’t…He must of thought I was excited about him being butt @ss nekid, but the gaul of this dude, I politely got my sh*t and walked out.

He proceeded to follow me outside, in all his glory…..did I mention that his neighbors were outside? Yeah they saw him in all his glory too…Unfortunately that was not the last time I saw him….but that is another loooong story…

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do i need plus de personnes? you be the judge…

sidenote: my stories tend to be long, just so you can get the whole picture…

so earlier this year i met this guy at a conference i was helping run in Chicago. our paths crossed a few times and each time he dropped subtle hints he was interested. at some point we exchanged contact information. by the last full day we had lunch together. very casual. he told me a story about his ex-fiance and how bad she hurt him and how reluctant he was to get in another relationship, blah blah blah. he tried to make a move and i thwarted it and let him know i wasn’t into him like that and went on about my conference business. later that night, he blew up my phone wanting to see me before he left. i chose to go hang out with other friends at IHOP instead. by the next day i’d received numerous calls from him. when i finally answered he gave me some sob story about his sick grandfather and how he was really worried about him and needed comfort. i lend an ear (cuz i’m nice like that) and by the end of the convo i’m tell him i’ll see him at next year’s conference. no plans to keep in touch (we dont live in the same city), no professions of “like”, just holla back in 365.

a few days later, he sends me the following email:

I know our relationship was on “friend terms” but I am going to have to communicate with you through this e-mail only. I spoke to my wife about you and what it boils down to is I am going to have to keep contact with you through e-mail. This is my personal e-mail address so just respond to me this way. OKAY

Also, if you get a phone call from me, please disregard it. Please do not answer the call. COOL!!!
—————————————–

mind you, the attached picture was of him, his WIFE, his SON, and his sick grandfather in the hospital. WTF?!?! clearly a NUT CASE. so i replied to his email and told him to never email or call me again. he had the nerve to ask me if i was mad at him and that he was “sorry”. yeah he’s sorry alright. sorry a$$ n*gga

i meet the weirdest ppl…

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this is not my story but a family members I have a cousin that has recently been crowned new playa of the year.. he as 2 main chicks that are 2520’s (his motto? sno bunnies fa sho monies..no lie anyone that has friended me check my myspace friends list ) he recently added two black chicks to the team…now for those tht dont know girls of the same pimp are called “Wife in laws”…so all the wife in laws were getting ready to go to chicago with cuzo…..apparently there was some miscommunication cause only the main chick was going to go…and he takes her to the shop to turn her “baywatch blond” well when they get back he drops newly baywatched chick off at the house and goes to run some pimp errands…..the hos get into an apparently EPIC brawl that ends up on the front lawn…police are called…..hos go to jai. My cousin is scared to bail them out for fear of being charged with pimping and pandering so he calls my uncle to bail them out…now he tells my cousin okay but his wife at work..why he call my 80 yr old GRANDMOTHER to take him to bail out the hos. So its my 80 yr granny, my60 yr old uncle and some dayum near butt naked hoes driving down poplar in a 89 tempo…..

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i have my share of wild stories… crazy relationship stories… ehh… not so much (except the one i already shared the J/O sitch)… but Dumb Chick Why Aren’t You Dead Yet… PLENTY!!! From the time i was 16 till i was 24 years old it was party time… i have long since given up my wild ways… ne who… i got a couple tales…

— i was once in a bar fight with my older sister, and her sister against two dudes and two females. we went to cheetahs in mckees rocks when it first opened up… we weren’t from that neighborhood so it was new. I was already DRUNK and the bartender wouldn’t even serve me anymore…. so we dancing and haven a good time with some dudes in the bar and these females FLIP… they were hating from the start cause we weren’t from that side of town… ya’ll know how it goes. ne who… we end up in the parking lot and we’re all scrapping — this dude is basically beating me down…. he’s tossed me to the ground like 3 times but i kept getting up - he was really looking at me like this biatch is crazy… i get up off the ground the last time and my sis finally ends up swinging the car around and we jump in. Her sis stole one of the chicks LV mules… my sis had the WORST black eye known to man… and i ended up topless and scraped up from my knees to my elbows

– i went out drinking with my dad once and picked up the bartender at the bar we were at. Literally. My dad was pissed. I dropped him off at home with the bartender in my car. the bartender ended up being a one night stand.

— ummm i once invited a male friend over for a movie. he was cool and we hung out a lot so it was no big deal… at this point in the relationship i had stopped sleeping with him but i guess we were cool again… so we were hanging out. at some point in the evening he excused himself to go to my bathroom and came back into the room buck balled nekkid…. i subsequently laughed and told him to put his clothes back on… the evening didn’t end too well..

i think that’s it 4 now…

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It took me this long to remember something, but here’s my story:

When I was about 18, my mom and I went to the school that would later become my college for a tour. We took the amtrak to get back to NC. I have really long legs, so sitting in the regular train seat got to be slightly uncomfortable, so I headed to the food car, where the seats are bigger, and you can stay in there and look out the window daydreaming for the duration of your ride.

So I get to the food car, and all the seats are taken. I start to turn around and go back to my seat, when this guy around my age asks me if I’d like to sit with him. He seemed harmless enough, so I said sure. I sat there for a few hours with him, we ended up playing cards, and talking about music, blah blah blah. It turned out that he lived in Raleigh, which was only about an hour away from where I lived at the time, so we exchanged phone numbers.

Now. After a few hours I guess Keith (that was his name and shyt) felt comfortable expressing to me how much he liked me. After all, my mom had come to the food car to get a bottled water and he met her, so I guess he felt like fam. He asks me if he can play a song for me, a la Darius in Love Jones. I say sure. The song he picks is “Sweet Love” by 112.

I start getting nervous. Then he asks me to look under the table. Being stupid (and virginal), I do.

His johnson is greeting me with a big strong how do ya do.

I just look at him like a moron.

Then he’s like, why dont we go to the bathroom real quick and work this out? I say something akin to the lyrics in “Let’s Wait A While”, and he chills out.

Eventually we get to Raliegh, and before he gets off the train, he excuses himself to go to the bathroom. As soon as the coast is clear, I go in his backpack, take out the paper with my number on it, and throw it away.

He comes back, hugs me, whispers in my ear that he’s definitely gonna call, and then gets off the train and disappears from my life forever.

G’day, Keith. G’day.

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This happened in college

I once told a boy that I wanted to bed him, that the sole reason I was even talking to him was because I wanted to bed him. I had sought him out been watchin him for a bit noting who he interacted with to get close to him yada yada yada.

He was ver surprised with my candor, before the bedding was to take place I told him there were rules if this actually were to take place and the primary rule was that if it happened WE WERE NEVER TO SPEAK AGAIN, NEVER! (I was on some power trip I don’t even know why I made that a rule). So the time came we did the do and I went about my business, the next time I saw him was at a party at a local college, I saw him and kept walking, he kind of followed me throughout the party most of the night, then finally I walked right by him (unintentionally) and he grabbed my arm and was like “oh You aint speaaking to me”. I looked at him dead in his face and said, “excuse me, do I know u?” He laughed all the while still holding my arm. At this point a few men took notice that this young man kind of had me hemmed up, so this one Q and this other Alpha come over and are like “yo dude you need to loosen ur grip” the Alpha asked me if there was a problem and I replied “I don’t know him he must got me confused with someone else”. Well as u can imagine now, all the alpha’s and Q’s were over in the area investigating what was going on ” cause dude started to make a scene, talkin bout “you don’t know me, what about when we were together” well needless to say I pulled a Judas and denied him twice more whereupon he was promptly escorted out of the establishment by like 15 guys. It was not a pretty sight. I thought they were going to kill him and I felt embarrassed for him. To this day the only people that knew about our arrangement was me one of my line sisters and dude. I think he transferred schools cause I don’t remember seeing him again

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Picture this: Sicily, 1963… Ok not really.

Once upon a time, there was a young lady who had just gotten out of a 3-yr long relationship. She was living in a new town, had just made some fantastic new friends and was in overall celebratory moods. So it was party as much and as hard as you can. This one particular night, her favorite girlfriend mentioned something about going out on the town with her homeboys. She could vouch for them they were sort of like her big brothers because they grew up together.

So they end up going to this boring club (it was a Wednesday night so they took what they could get). They decided (the 4 of them) to make it fun and started downing shots of 151. Why didn’t someone teach those young foolish girls of the powers of 151, I don’t know. Thing is they didn’t know better and the shots were free (ok $.75 but they weren’t paying). About 5 or more shots later, the girls are stumbling over themselves laughing silly. Now in some stroke of genius, they didn’t ride to the party. So they hop into one homeboy’s car to get dropped off.

Your heroine is in the back of the car very drunk and dozing on and off. At some point, the car slows down and she realizes they are at a gas station. She doesn’t make much of it, because she knows she lives closer than her girlfriend and therefore will be dropped first.

WRONG!! Homeboy was very slick with his. He basically told fantastic girlfriend than since our drunken heroine lives closer to him and he was afraid to nod off on his way back, it was preferable to drop her first. All this while, drunken damsel is sleeping it off soundly in the back, none the wiser.

At some point, Damsel realizes she’s asked to move upfront. Strange she thinks but oh well. So off they go in the night towards her apartment. They get to said apartment, homeboy says he wants to use the restroom. Oldest trick in the world right? Right. But he seems so inoffensive and damsel is so drunk, she actually believes his schtick and let him in. Meanwhile, she’s waiting for him at the front door ready eager for him to leave so she can get some Zz.

Dude proceeds to come out and try to convince drunken Damsel that he’s what she needs in her life. At least, chexually. Damsel drunkenly refutes his advances, stating cliched things like “she just got out of a relationship” and blah blah blah.

Long story long, Damsel falls for the game and has mind-blowing, get-out-of-here, wanton s3x with Dude. In the morning, she’s resolved that she’s finally broken her one-night stand virginity and that it would make for some great story at some point. Yeah, right.

Given that the “community” is very small round these parts, Dude finds her details and calls her. Stupid Move # 345 ensues: Damsel remembering how right the flucking was, falls for it again, especially since she doesn’t have a steady. Subsequently, they become FWBs.

Now, it’s nice and great for a while. But then, dude starts catching feelings. Upon seeing this, and being the responsible human being she is, Damsel calls everything off. Dude seems to be ok with it. Operative word: seems.

One fine evening, when Damsel was entertaining a new prospect in her apartment. Her phone starts blowing up. She doesn’t pay attention and turns off her phone. Some time later, there is some banging on the door. Interesting. New prospect looks at her like “I thought you didn’t have nobody”. So she has to give a brief history of the situation. The brief history is even more necessary because Homeboy/Dude and Damsel speak a language new prospect doesn’t understand. So whatever homeboy is saying is gibberish to new prospect rendering things even more awkward.

To make a long story even longer, Homeboy ended jumping on Damsel’s balcony trampling on her downstairs neighbors flowers to get there. And wanted to pull a Iknowthishouselikethebackofmyhand” on her. She had thought, he would do that and locked that door too. Ha!

Now Dude looking ridiculous asking to please let him get out the normal way. Her reply? Go back down the way you came up or else I call the cops.

Ninja found his way back down. And I wish I could say this was the one and only time ish like this happened as a result of this FWB but sadly no.

This my friends is a cautionary tale on the dangers of th FWB Gone Wrong.

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I’d can’t share my best stories because feds from multiple agencies would show up my door and be fighting over who gets to drag my azz in for questioning about ish folks have done whom I have known.

Maybe I’ll share this one with ya, not exactly a relationship story but interesting none the less.

Young woman was on hard drugs and often ran into the son of a very famous politician - in a crack house. They became buddies. She got busted in a raid, went to jail, and became my client b/c she already had a baby in foster care. Of course the son of the rich and famous never did a day in jail; they get rehab while black folks get prison.

Her cell mate was also front page famous - for chopping off the head of her child and sticking it in the freezer after smoking PCP. What was especially sad is that mother had a regular job, was known as kind and loving, but on PCP became psychotic.

I’ve been busy as hell all week but working on an essay when I could about a couple in love where the man had been convicted of murder twice. I’ll probably post it late Saturday.

I know so many people who have been murdered and/or were violent and/or criminal that I have never counted them all. It’s like I don’t want to know the number. Surprisingly they seem to get more dates and partners than regular folks.

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