One day I was at my favorite local eatery (you can’t be a uppity negro unless you have something like a “local eatery”) and I saw this rather jolly old white cat who was clearly from Ohio standing there ordering a sandwich with things on it that I’d never order.
Wait, how do I know he was from Ohio?
Glad you asked.
You see, this particular jolly old fellow was wearing an Ohio State sweater, a Cleveland Cavaliers hat, and a coat that advertised for something called a Cleveland Brown. As I watched this old feller stand there looking like a walking billboard for the grand state of Ohio, I thought to myself, “I hope I never EVER put on this much sh*t as a tourist to let people know that I’m from XXXX.”
But that did get me to thinking about old age and the fact that there are certain things that I hope I don’t do when I get old. Coupled with the conversation we had here the other day on our fears, and voila, I, the most Jackson of the Panamas, have come up with a list of things I hope I don’t do when I get old.
1) Dress like our friend the jolly old state billboard
For real, for real, I’m afraid about this one. Currently, I walk around with Morehouse shirts on left and right like I just graduated and I support the dress code. Then again, I do look forward to the day when I can free ball and rock an ATL tshirt with some cotton Hanes t-shirts that say Bankhead. Either way, I’m scared for this shit.
2) Wear track suits 6 days a week
My dad has more track suits than I can shake a stick at. Which must be a lot because I can shake a stick with the best of them. And yes, it is a lot. For some reason, track suits are the standard attire of Italian mobsters and older Black people. My mother even has some. Point blank, I really hope I never discover how comfortable they are because I’m only 30 and it would suck to start wearing them now.
And speaking of wearing bad stuff…
3) Wearing short shorts, dress socks, and a wife-beater
I’ve done seent this with my own eyes and I hope it never comes to pass I decide, “you know what, this is comfortable, let me go to the CVS like this.” It’s possible, and I can see how it can happen. I’m just afraid for this to become a permanent staple of my haberdashery.
4) Become a dirty old man
Okay, I’m lying. I’m looking forward to be a dirty old man but I don’t think you can actually say that out-loud amongst mixed company, Jewish people, and llamas.
5) Start getting offended at the youngsters
This one is kind of already happening. I can’t tell you how many days a week (7) that I see some youngster whose ass I want to beat just for breathing ignorantly. They’re all either loud, obnoxious, or just damn ignant. Just like I was. So maybe this one is a wrap.
6) Be mad at club-isms
Follow me on this one. Recently in Atlanta for a homecoming festivity, we were at a lounge that was playing music and everybody could hear one another. THEN all of a sudden, the DJ cranked up the sound much to chagrin and offense of everybody at my table. We were genuinely disturbed that they’d turn the music up so loud that we’d have to yell to speak to one another. Then we realized we were old. I REALLY felt bad about this one so I got drunk to get myself back centered. Anyway, I’m afraid for this one considering my line of business and all.
Either way, these are my concerns for the future. I know you ninjas who are afraid of all kinds of non-sense have had similar fears. Share the wealth and pass the elastic.
Do tell.
-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL, HE 3
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{ 125 comments… read them below or add one }
Um, should I be scared because I’m 5 all day (thanks to people like Soulja Boy), and I hate when people turn up the car stereo to a blasting level between the times of 3am Sunday morning, and 10pm Friday night?
Mind you, I’m only 23 and already like that. I actually got sleepy at the bar yesterday while out with my roomie. Then again, that could have alot to do with me getting over the flu.
I’m only 24 and I have the same problem with #5. It doesn’t help that I’ve always been “old” for my age. So, when I am 35, I’m afraid I’ll already be acting like I’m 45. No bueno.
I’m afraid that I’ll be making references to movies and songs, and the people around me are all to young to know what I’m talking about. This isn’t really a topic that I need to get started on, I’m already in my quarter-life crisis.
LMAO!! I pretty much don’t like young people. I can only spend a limited about of time around people under 30!
I am afraid of becoming that old chic at the club dressed inappropriately and not recognizing any of the music being played. WAIT this actually happened to me Friday @ The Park.
I am afraid of having ONE scent. Every old person I know has their own scent. From Grey Flannel (my Daddy) to Avon-Skin so Soft (my Mommy). They always smell the same. My fear is that I’m going to have some favorite scent that I stock pile for years to come.
I am most afraid of one day replacing my high heel and funky styled shoes for practical shoes. I just see myself rocking beaded Birkenstocks with formal attire or having a closet full of Crocs *Shivering*.
@yaa,
I am afraid of becoming that old chic at the club dressed inappropriately and not recognizing any of the music being played. WAIT this actually happened to me Friday @ The Park.
I think this happens to me almost every time I go out. the music thing, not “the old chic dressed inappropriately part.” lol.
@N.I.A. naturally, I wasnt dressed “INAPPROPRIATELY” in that way. I seemed to be OVERLY dressed. Everybody else was UNDER dressed LOL. Apparently jeans, a blouse, heels & a clutch bag are dressy….who knew?!?!
I remember actually getting dressed up to go to party. But I also remember doing the whop & wearing an 8-ball jacket. I swear this in between 30 & 40 thing is killing me!!! I dont know where I belong.
@Yaa,
” Apparently jeans, a blouse, heels & a clutch bag are dressy….who knew?!?!”
This is my standard going out outfit. lol.
@V.E.G.,
Mine too. That’s how we get down ’round here.
@yaa,
I already don’t know half of the -ish that they play at the club.
The thought of gray pubic hairs make me never want to get old. Can you imagine your first gray pubic hair? Omg… I am freaking out as I type. O…M…G…
I can handle everything else… I just don’t want gray hair down there. At some point you get too old for Brazilians so that means you have to face your gray demise every day in the shower.
::looking for the fountain of youth::
@Buxxy, what da hell? Why you wanna put that thought in my mind?
@Buxxy,
Grey Pubes are scary but u never get too old to take care of the situation!! Bring on the razors!!!!
@Buxxy,
“At some point you get too old for Brazilians ”
At what point is this? lol. As long as you can afford to pay and are able to lie on your back with a leg in the air…I don’t see the problem.
@V.E.G., I did brazilians for like a year and got tired of that look.. I prefer some hair down below and OMG yes I do have gray pubs, not all gray, but there rre some strands LOL and guess what I’m still THE sexiest and its not that big of a deal LLS!
@OrangeStar616,
lol
I get a modified version of the Brazilian…I don’t want to look like I’m 10.
@V.E.G., that skinned cat, sphynx look started to get on my nerves LOL..now a nice shape up is no problem!
@V.E.G.,
“I don’t want to look like I’m 10.”
*snickering*
That’s the reason I’ve never had a Brazilian.
If any of you guys are worried about looking like you’re 10, you guys are either still really young or Black definitely don’t crack.
That’s as PG and non-suspect a take as I could make on that.
@Buxxy,
Why? oh why? Plus I hear they’re of a different consistency from regular hair- all indestructible and whatnot. Urghhh!!! That is a terrifying thought.
I’m definitely #5 and #6. #5 is one of the reasons why a swear off public transportation daily. And then I remind myself that I hate driving (even though I think I was a NASCAR driver in another life), I hate traffic, and I hate driving in traffic. It’s just so much easier to just park-n-ride.
things i hope i don’t do when I get old…
1. start wearing “mom” jeans.
2. get out of shape. I am determined to be that 90yr old lady running a marathon every year. Which means I should probably start running marathons…
3. hum to myself. Is it me, or do old women always hum to themselves.
4. become a bad driver. I can imagine myself becoming a mean and hateful driver, cutting people and flipping them the bird when I’m older. But I don’t want to be that old lady who pulls out in front of a youngin’ and drives 35 mph.
5. Call everyone, regardless of age, “baby”, “children”, “sweetie.” What’s sad is I already do this. smh…
@N.I.A. naturally,
My cousin already wears mom jeans and she is 26
She got mad when I told her only old men like “mom” jeans…
@N.I.A. naturally, I already do your #5 but it’s b/c I’m terrible with names….absolutely terrible…so every one is “girl”, “homie”, “sweetie”, “cuz”, or whatever comes to mind when they see me and speak.
as a jewish dude i can tell you that we got plenty of dirty old men: seinfeld, woody allen, kissinger. so you can feel free to broadcast that one. i would beware the track suits though.
@this dude,
Nothing says “Dirty Old Man” like adopting a young chick with your live in girlfriend only to leave the girlfriend and marry the young chick.
Morgan Freeman’s plan didn’t work as well…
@this dude,
welcome and sh*t
I really had hoped not to be that chick talking to herself. (too late) Just catch myself muttering to myself about myself with myself… too much self!
Also didn’t want the early senility to set in so that I’m on the way to do something and completely forgot what I was about to do… too late. Or pause mid-sentence because the train of thought has left the building? Or set down the car keys and have no clue where I put them? tear the house up to find out they are right where I thought I left them?
Yesterday the phrase, “These kids today…” actually came out of my mouth… I’m officially old.
@OneChele,
lol @ forgetting what i was about to say and conferring with myself…i already do that
@OneChele,
Embrace it…I’m with you and I’m a dude. It just means that we’re comfortable? Or maybe crazy? I don’t care either way.
::pulling up church socks::
Panama, I feel you with #5 and #6
This past weekend my HS had homecoming @GA Dome and It felt like a zoo. Disprespectful and loud teenagers carrying on like there are not elders around….Then me and my homeboy went to the afterparty and I was yawning in the club. I’m only 24 and sometimes I cant hang no more!
My fears….
1.being the old lady at church with the peppermints or butterscotch
my favorite!!2. A non existent sex life at 60
3. not being able to at least wear a 3 inch heel
@MizThickaDenThick,
“1.being the old lady at church with the peppermints or butterscotch my favorite!!
I’m already that lady…I always have gum.
The kids at church are always trying to get me to dig in my purse for them.
“3. not being able to at least wear a 3 inch heel”
Shoo my Grandma is 79 and still rocks heels with the best of us…lol I call her “Hot Mama”. I think I’ma be alright.
@miss t-lee, what’s scarier than not being able to wear a 3-inch heel is being 70+ rocking 4 inch stripper pumps….I saw this a couple of days ago and it was not a good look. I just kept imagining her taking one misstep and breaking all of her fragile bones….
On a side note…I’m 32 and I stand for practical shoes….
@klysha,
LMAO!!!! 4 inch hooka heels? Wow.
The last year with my foot injury I’ve been in way more practical shoes than I’ve cared for.
@MizThickaDenThick,
LOL! I am the old lady with mints and gum in her “church bag.”
@MizThickaDenThick,
I was amused when High Schools had dances at the GWCC and the Tornado Hit. Nobody was injured, but all of their evenings were ruined.
I was next door at the Dome for the SEC tourney, and I was pissed at their lack of respect whilst I drove. So when they had to leave early, I made sure there were no injuries and got the tree branches off my whip, then laughed maniacally at their ruinous night.
I already do #5. I see my lil cousins and the only thing I can do is get the disgusted look and question Why to every thing! Just… WHY??
And NSU homecoming is this weekend…. man, the pointer and the freshman meter is gone be going off like fireworks on the 4th of July!
My fears….
1. being that old lady still trying to join in on the latest dance craze.
2. being the old lady in church who falls asleep and drools.
3. being the older lady still tipping in 3 or 4 inch heels only to fall and break her hip and not have a medi-alert button or a cell phone!
4. being the old lady with a pimped out hoover round.
CO-SIGN with #5… iCan’t with them! They get on my damn nerves, loud for nooo reason! And they say the most asinine things.
I keep saying “They” like I’m not apart of that age group lol… I’ve been annoyed with my peers for a minute! I officially don’t claim them.
hmmmm….I’ll date myself and say I started getting “that was before my time” way back in 2002. And I already say “I’m not 18, what I look like wearing this?” as well as feel some kinda way more and more about rocking so many sneakers. I haven’t bought whole matching track suits ina minute though.
But I’ll be damned if I’m….
- old enough to be the father of most chicks I date
-becoming that dude fly chicks only date for his money (a sugar daddy)
-needing Viagra/Cialis/Levitra
-driving a classic and it not being a cool weekend warrior but “fitting for a man my age”
-taking on mid-life crisis toys (Corvettes, Harleys)
-tucking in every shirt I wear, where it’s obvious where the waist and butt are
-not liking a single new record where I can’t objectively appreciate nann on the radio simply because it’s new. And it’s hard right now, so much stuff is sonically awful…but I felt this way about quite a bit back in ’93.
-developing the following: gray hairs of any kind, a hunchback, that damn chicken waddle neck
-balding to where I have to pull the trigger and change my hair forever
-popping a billion and one pills a day/going to the doctor something like every frickin’ week
-wearing non-sneakers (especially dress shoes) with shorts
-being uncool to the kids I have yet to have
-an unemployable age if I lose a job
-resorting to dying my hair at an age I obviously don’t look right doing so. 50 is one thing, but at 60? Just stop.
You know what I think would help us age in a way we’re still relevant? Take notes from those older rock star dudes. Them and corporate execs.
@Stuff Ghetto People Like,
Dang…..this whole list is sad
I don’t want to be that old dude:
Still tryna be in the club
Complaining about everything these youngsters do (Might be too late there…Skinny Jeans? Not gangsta.)
@Da Iceman, dowg, lemme tell you. I should have stepped to the one young homie’s business. 20 year old fat kid about my height, wearing tight *ss shirts and (I damn near have to “no homo” this one) skinny jeans that literally look like the kind a broad would wear that accentuate the upper curves and are super tight around the ankles. And this is like the second time I’ve seen duke dressing this way. I think “his young potnas ain’t clowning him about this?” There’s gay guys that think he looks silly. It’s a cardinal sin to wear things that don’t look right on your shape or gender.
@Stuff Ghetto People Like, I think it’s our duty to correct stuff like that. Social obligations and sh*t.
Not really afraid but concerned that I’ll get old and look back to see that I was afraid to pursue and have the people things and dreams I truly desire. This requires a level of self awareness, inner dialogue and Innerspace reflection that most people never know. Think I just said people don’t know or care that they have become the sum of someone elses thoughts. All this other ish don’t REALLY fade me. Fcuk “scarred and tell “afraid” I said eat a dcik.
By the way Black is the new Black. Holla back. Meanwhile concerning a future blog post, here’s my vote for: “the best line in a rap song 2009.” (yep I’m psychic) “Ill write these ninjas into corners of their mind google earth couldn’t find their way out of.” (Jigg) and “I just bought the Internet and ninjas still thinking small, reported suicides when I push ninjas off my balls.” (Drake)
@Black is the new Black,
welcome and sh*t
@The Champ,
My pleasure. Welcome to my mind VSB.
@Black is the new Black, the WHAT IFS are the WORST, thats why if I feel so strongly about something or someone, I have to try honey, I can’t live with what if’s, but I can live with the consequences of trying for something I felt in a true and righteous manner!
Major old lady fears:
I’m 34 (w/ a baby face that still helps me get away w/ hangin’ out in clubs) and I heard my damn knee crack when I busted out some crazy clown/krump move to a KidCudi remix! :0 The Horror, the horror
1. Wake up and not want sex! Not like “Oh, I’m just not in the mood today baby.” ..but actually wake up and poof sexytime just up and LEAVES me for good>> NO LAWD. NOOO!!!
2. Co-sign on trying to jump in on the latest dance craze: I’m kinda already there
3. When I make a certain pop-culture reference and some kid looks at me like “Dude, who’s that?” or “When did “that movie ever come out?”
4. Having to have a purse full of ‘special medicines’ like my grandma: Like before every meal I’ll have to say: “Oh, are we eating stuff w/ lots of salt? Let me take my special medicine first, baby.”
@Panama: please talk to my man so he’ll stop dressing like an extra from that movie “Hoosiers”= damn old university logos all over his sh*t and some Converse sneakers? *looks up to the sky* WHY??
@GeekChicness, I hear you on 3. I can’t date a girl that doesn’t know who Bobby Brown or Teddy Riley is. Noooo
@Da Iceman,
I feel you. I met a girl that didn’t know who “A Tribe Called Quest” was…I was just…offended.
@AkShone,
I’m going to throat punch her for you.
*snickering*
@GeekChicness,
“and I heard my damn knee crack when I busted out some crazy clown/krump move to a KidCudi remix! ”
This sounds like a similar incident I had with my younger cousins while they were trying to teach me the “Franky”…lmao
@miss t-lee,
Girl I’ve been two stepping since I turned 29. It’s a sexy two step but a two step nonetheless.
@V.E.G.,
Gone girl!!! I do the two step too from time to time, but everyone once in a while I fool myself into thinking I need to know how to do the new “it” dance…lol
@miss t-lee,
I practice new dances in the mirror. If the execution is poor or painful, they are not debuted in public. lol.
@GeekChicness,
and I heard my damn knee crack when I busted out some crazy clown/krump move to a KidCudi remix!
that was me the first time i tried to do a stanky leg. smh…
@N.I.A. naturally,
Aha! the dreaded stanky leg. “Lean on it, get down on it, do tha…” *sudden snapping sound*
Aww damn! That’s when the Stanky Leg turns into the Senior Shuffle… and the jar of Tiger Balm gets passed around.
sigh
I can’t feel any of you guys’ pain…I deaded attempts at the latest dance way back in junior high. I just stay in my lane and boogie with a freak at a party…leave the bangin’ out of power moves to others.
@GeekChicness,
#4- and it creeps up on you! I can’t tell you how taken aback I was when my doctor told me “at my age..” I was like whaaa??!!!! And then it begins with the calcium supplements, preemptive baby aspirin meds- and next thing there’s only 2 things I can eat sans pharmaceutical help. *sigh*
Since Prairie View is winning now…I’ll be all over #1 shortly.
I have two pairs if sweatpants. One for indoors and one for outside. Plus, I got two long jon shirts that must be worn with the sweatpants. Nothing matches but it’s comfortable.
#3-#6…me allday.
I been practicing on that dirty old man thing for over a decade. I’m certified now and taking applications for a dirty old woman.
Summertime sittin out drinkin on the patio with neighbors? Going to the store or over to somebody’s house and no where else? T-shirt, gym shorts, church socks, cole haans that I turned into slippers. It is soooo comfortable.
These chilren get on my got dam nerves. But I still try to give advice to the babies. And when I go to the strip club…I can’t stand for young girls to get close to me. Hell, I won’t date a female under 28.
I can’t go to the club unless I’m drunk. And then I feel like at 35 I’m too old to enjoy the music. I refuse to pull a muscle trying to dance.
Even though I have an old soul…it’s contradicted with a baby face. Women are always confused and openly shake their heads in my face and try to change me.
Life is great!
Dayum….when did I get old?!
My fear is the day I look at my heels and go “I need to buy some flats.” iCry…iCry.
Hahahaha! I AM old! Grown and sexxy represent!
@pgh muse,
why is this phrase used to heavily? When I see this on a party flier I know not to go there cause it will be filled with overly dressed dark people sipping on overpriced pansy drinks and I know the DJ won’t be playing any Buckshot or Swishahouse. Can you tell I don’t like it?
@Deviant,
“Swishahouse”
Gives you dap.
@Deviant,
WHATS SWISHERHOUES???? IM 45 AND NEVER HEARD THAT!!!
@DEBRA,
ask someone from Tejas
@Deviant,
why is this phrase used to heavily?
its jim jones’s fault.
I fear the day I get so old I:
tire of buying and constantly washing satin pillowcases to sleep on that I start wearing a head scarf to bed. Not cute.
start wearing lapel pins
wear trouser socks
buy and carry an ugly purse
buy a car too big to park
wear flats
I also fear cellulite and old lady, saggy boobs.
@V.E.G., start weight training, will counteract and make gravity not so harsh!!!!
1. Being “that dude” in the club. i told myself I will never be that wack @ss negro. The older dude that is overly dressed in the club full of people in their early to mid 20s. Thinking he is making in his ultra-violet suit.
2. Being stuck in an era. Some cats get older and get stuck in an era. Back in the 90s it was the dudes that couldn’t leave hi-top fades in the 80s to 1991. Or the dudes that still rock bald fades like it’s 1995. I got a homeboy that was pissed when Guess stopped making pascal jeans. I had another homeboy that wouldn’t let Eddie Bauer go.
3. Talking out my @ss. Younger people do it to but old folks do it with no shame.
4. Not being physically active. My dad was in pretty good shape up to his 50s. I got homeboys with the stamina of middle age men and they are in their late 30s-early 40s. In my family most of the older folks were mentally coherent when they passed. The way they took care of themselves was the reason they passed.
5. Not being able to change or grow. I still want to be open to new ideas and keep up with technology. The same with social changes too. If it is positive I hope I am willing to accept that change. I don’t want to be like some folks stuck in the 50s and 60s. I see it all the time. “When I was your age we did A,B,C”. Well guess what? Those opportunities are gone and it is not practical to do that now.
6) Assuming all young people are indestructable beasts of burden. I don’t want to be that old person that says “you’re too young to be tired” , “you’re too young to forget” or “you’re young you can carry, lift, or push that”.
@Humble_One aka Recession Fodder, yeah, #2, 4, and 5 are others for my “I’ll be damned” list. The party thing (since not all party spots I hit up are really “clubs”) is kinda hard to call, because I see people the darnedest ages at all kinds of jams…but being a bona fide old head always on a pulling mission at the bona fide young head club is type-silly. If you want your young freaks, it’s a better look to bag them elsewhere. And man, that “stuck in an era” thing is a monster. I’m glad that, for instance, my musical tastes are based on what sounds right more than a particular time.
I tend to think that for any person, the way to go is embrace what needs to be embraced, do things you like because you like them, and stay in your lane. Live in a way that just works for you, in a way that you can pull off. That to me is the happy medium between tryna keep up with 18 year olds and being completely crotchety.
@Humble_One aka Recession Fodder,
Oh my goodness at #6. I am already that OAP. I send my cousins upstairs, downstairs to please get me this or that. And I’ve been known to get surprised when my 20 y.o cousins complain of burn out, or ennui with an ‘ you’re too young, for that sweetie.”
*Wanjiru weeps*. I am officially OLD!!
hell naw….embrace my oldness and love it. I’m all up on 3 and 4 already
i stopped go to clubs years ago….can’t deal with it.
three things imma need…..
1. old crow
2. some PE
3. rockin chair
I will be that negro….do my own thing till they bury my bones
I’m already old. I fell asleep around 9 on Friday.
This was sans alcohol. I was just that dayum tired.
I fear the grey pubes as well, even though I’ve found a few greys above the neck, more like white hairs. *loud scream*.
I fear the day I’ll have to wear those SAS shoes.
@miss t-lee,
lol welcome to the club
@kingpinenut,
LOL!! Thank you sir.
@miss t-lee,
I found about 1 or 2 grays – in my head !!!!! – when I was about 21. It seems a few friends have decided to join those hairs over the last 13 years.
They are placed in such a way – and my hair is such a color – that I can lie and say they are blonde. Ha.
@V.E.G.,
My grandmother has told me I’m lucky that I’ve only found a few, since her side of the family goes grey early. She said she’d had them since 25, I didn’t find one until last year (30). I’m just glad they are in places you can’t see them.
@miss t-lee, I’ve had gray hair on top, since I was a child……good thing is now I no longer have to get streaks before I color my hair, they are natural now and most beautifully placed….my color pops on top of that gray LOL!!!!
Eventually I’m just gonna let it be silvery maybe in my 50′s…..
@OrangeStar616,
That’s a good look though. I love seeing the older ladies with their pretty silver hair!!
@miss-t-lee, I know its gorgeous when maintained properly i.e. the right shampoo etc……
Pscht. I been old since college. Probably got brain washed by that addage or what ever they call it, “he’s an old soul.” What ever that means. LSS my college nickname was shady grady. What ever I’m a homebody stay in the lab or hous type dude. Like the old folks @ chuich. So the Fuhck what! I just hope it doesn’t get worse.
@WuDaMan, LOL…….having an old soul is a good thing honey, folk have said that about me too but youth tho is a state of mind, like always having wonderment..see no matter how old I get chronologically, I’ll always have the frosted side to my shredded wheat..the girl side of the this girl/woman gemini, will forever be, wonderment and all!!!!
@OrangeStar616,
Yeah I guess you right
I hate it when they blast music in clubs only because they always bump some crap I hate. If they blasted Sean Price or Wu Tang I’d be cool. I do love to ride around with my music loud as hell just to drown out the otehr music I don’t like.
Excellent observations, per usual, sir. And I agree with them all. In addition:
1. Lacing/tying up my shoes so as to cut off circulation.
See, I’m good with lacing shoes if you need to. Hell, even if you WANT to. I have no problem with it, even though, as soon as the elsatic was put on the inside of a sneaker tongue I haven’t tied a non-sport playing shoe in over a decade. My problem lies with lacing it up SO tight that the front end turns into a bubble. You’re laughing because you know what I’m tambout.
2. Kissing like 2520s at the end of a romantic dramedy.
I’m not saying you gotta tongue anybody down like Kid and Sydney after they picked him up from jail, but c’mon… You ever notice how old folks kiss each other like women hug platonic friends? yeah. I aint a BIG kisser and all, but I dread this.
3. Falling for no apparent reason.
I have seen this. I fell bad laughing. I make sure they are okay, then laugh hysterically if they are. I’m already prolly going to hell for certain transgressions. This is the gasoline.
4. Driving WAY too slow.
In the fast lane.
@Dante_Alexander, people who lace sneakers tight look stupid doing so. The shoes don’t even look right. If you’re that afraid of the shoe flying off your foot, you’re in the wrong shoe.
I hope I don’t start wearing a house dress out of the house. You know the long ones that have those perfume bottle or huge tropical desings on them? They literally just hang on you, and I see women going to the store with these on.
@Ivyette,
Why would you own one of these? Like, ever???
@V.E.G.,
I don’t even own one…that’s just how scared I am that one day I’ll look up and WHAM…I am going to the grocery store in one!
Damn…aside from the dress code violations, I think I’m already an old fart.
I haven’t quite gotten my dirty old man on yet, but my Grandfather who is pushing 85 tells met hey have more fun. He still is!
Some things I fear:
1. In order to mask the gut that I will eventually develop, I’ll start wearing my pants over my naval.
2. I’ll actually start tucking my shirt in with everything, including track suits.
3. I’ll return to wearing sneakers with velcro straps cos my arthritis is acting up.
4. Grey pubics…this marks the end
5. I’ll start going to places old folks like myself go talking about “this what I’m talkin bout…old school!” (DC heads: Think Eclipse)
6. My cars will be floaty and drive like an ocean liner.
7. I’ll actually have to use Viagra just to show them young gals a thing or two.
@CPT Callamity, “5. I’ll start going to places old folks like myself go talking about “this what I’m talkin bout…old school!” (DC heads: Think Eclipse)”
Dang…or Martini’s, lol
@Smiley Face, or the Chateau(sp) LLS….
@OrangeStar616,
*hiding face in shame* lol…giiirrrlll
@Smiley Face, LLS!!!
I went in there once in my 20′s, Pretty Tony was there , the hand dancing dude wit the Captains hat LOL
@CPT Callamity,
“5. I’ll start going to places old folks like myself go talking about “this what I’m talkin bout…old school!” (DC heads: Think Eclipse)”
I truly hope I don’t become this because folks that always say, “Whatchu know about this?” always annoys me as if the music of their time isn’t easily accessible or some ish. Hell, it’s easier for us to get it than it was for them. lol
But yeah, for some reason, I don’t think this generation will be the old folks saying that. I mean, can you really picture an 65 year old be like, “Oh, there go that Trey Songz. What ya’ll young’uns know about that LOL Smiley Face?!” in the year 2059 or something? Like there is no way to justify that being good music no matter how terrible music gets. Personally, I’m hoping for some circle-of-life type ish happening with music in which music today is rock bottom and then we start all over making great music again. lol
@Cheekie,
All that needs to take place for good music to prosper is giving more starving ARTISTS a chance and bringing back instruments. Drumpads and Fruity loops has allowed music to be made waaaaay to easily and our current state of education has made our lyrics 5th grade party songs with cursing.
I had a dude tell me we’ll be playing R. Kelly for our children. I think not.
i’m with you on number 5. i already shake my head often at “children” under the age of 20. from the way they dress to the way they act. case in point i was leaving the movies yesterday and this young man was walking with his female companion. he couldn’t have been more than 5’10″ and 150 pounds yet he had on a 4xl t shirt with his jeans sagging halfway down his thighs. i wanted to pull him to the side and give him a stern lecture.
I believe I mentioned this last week, but first on my list would be mom jeans. The next item I hope to avoid are granny panties. There is nothing that makes me feel less attractive than wearing ugly, unflattering lingerie or rather oversized, above the belly button drawz. I understand how it happens, I just don’t want it to happen to me.
@Miss Patterson, I must cosign on the granny panties…..I shudder at the thought
Um, Panda, Imma need for you to stop invading my head because my sis and I were JUST having this convo while shopping at Carsons. We looked at all those fug Christmas sweaters with effing reindeer and yuletide splattered on the front and hoped we never became that way when we got old (“that way” meaning “2520, old, and blind”).
So two major fashion-related things I hope never happen to me when I become a cougar:
1. Wearing “holiday” sweaters when that holiday arrives, even if that holiday is Arbor Day or some sh*t. Pulling my pants up all the way to my belly button. Wearing Ben Gay 24/7 as a perfume. Wearing the exact same color for every single article of clothing, right down to my orthopedic kicks.
And on the flip-side:
2. Rocking “way-too-young-for-me” clothes like Dereon or Baby Phat. You know, with the glitterly booty pockets? I mean, how I looked all Hunchback of Notre Dame’d up rockin’ a cropped bright pink bubble coat with a furry hood. Hot messy, that’s what. Hot. Mess.
*shudders at such a nightmarish thought*
My Dad just had his 57th birthday earlier this month and my Dad is a cool ass dude…dresses nice and AGE appropriate, always has tho, not one of them bamas trying to dress or talk like a youngin but then he doesn’t dress like the typical old bama either..its like his GQ is fly and just right!!!!
@OrangeStar616,
Your Dad sounds like mine.
Yay!!! They know what’s up.
Love this post. My late parents were a case study. I’ll add:
Along with having track suits in every imaginable color, add the finishing touch of wearing K-Mart tennis shoes which use velcro, not shoe laces, to secure them.
His dry, humor-style explanation: “It saves time.”
“WTH, Dad? You’re retired!”
And no, he didn’t suffer from arthritis nor have problems bending over or tying shoe laces.
Other jewels:
Driving too slow, and forgetting to bring your regular glasses, and then scare your kids to death with, “I can drive just fine, thank you, with my reading glasses.
Routinely shopping at dollar stores – for fun – and add your collection of knick knacks on the window sill and entertainment center.
And lastly:
When your teenage daughter oogles a rugrat in the mall and gushes, “Isn’t the baby cute?!”, snap back without hesitation and say, “What’s so damn cute about it?”
That one already happened to me. Her expression was priceless.
@Kit (Keep It Trill), I really laughed at this. bless your father’s heart.
@Reecie, Thanks. They were hilarious.
Swishahouse….girls in the club sho nuff…… luv it
@Princess Jai,
You talking about Tela? Suave House Tela?
@miss t-lee,
U need to post an explanation on what Swishahouse is. I’d do it but I aint from Texas.
@Deviant,
LMAO!!!
Thanks Deviant. I could try to explain it but it’s probably just best to link ya’ll.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Swishahouse
also you can go to youtube and just search the follwing words: 5000 Watts, or OG Ron C.
OMG
my daddy has like a million tracks suits with baseball caps to match
and then he says stuff like,
“You not gonna tell your old man how fly he look today?”
I yelled at my 15yr old step sister because she didnt know who troop was, I
told her that it was disrespectful that her and her friends dont listen to our 90′s r&b music
you know you old when..
kids stop cursing when they notice you watching them
you get amp on a rap song that’s been out for six months
(I just heard becky by plies…I got the side eye from my lil cousin)
When 80% of your current conversations with your friends are about the past
When facebook prompts you to pull out your yearbook and you start crying
When you showing your kids pictures in the middle of the dance floor.
“5) Start getting offended at the youngsters” and “6) Be mad at club-isms”
I have started to notice this happening. A young chick in my building always was talking about her man and how great this guy is every time i saw her . . . then I saw him . . . skinny jeans sagging . . . draws outside . . . shiny high top some sorta shoe . . . and a flannel jacket . . . a DC baseball cap plopped on top of a head full of dreads to top it off . . . what the hell is that??? Why is this OK?
CLUBS . . . I went to a spattering of clubs last year for Howard Homecoming and it was the worst thing ever. Dudes with bedazzled shirts on dancing in unison to foolishness. I was shocked I wasnt thrown into shock with all the flashing of clothes and dance moves. THEN there were dudes parading around with empty bottles . . . wtf? Women were looking straight (standard issue h*gear club style I dont think this has changed since the early 2000s) but if thats what they were in to then I am officially old . . . at 27. Needless to say, I spent THIS howard homecoming in the confines of silver spring . . . Boring but my eyes were safe.
I will say as far as #1 . . . I am . . . more times than not . . . a walking NYC billboard. Unless I am coming from work I normally have on my yankee fitted. Sundays I rock my NYG jersey (fools lost again) and when I am lounging or running errands (and these next few days) I rock one of my Mariano Rivera New York Yankees Jersies (gotta rep the Panamanian)
@IVR,
then I saw him . . . skinny jeans sagging . . . draws outside . . . shiny high top some sorta shoe . . . and a flannel jacket . . . a DC baseball cap plopped on top of a head full of dreads to top it off . . . what the hell is that??? Why is this OK?
I see these clown every so often around town and I never get tired of mocking their homothuggery. Every so often I address a homothug by this name just to see if they will jump but I think their pants are too tight to do anything.
#5 has taken over my life. I’m only 25 and a while ago I caught myself telling my cousin to “Sitcho lil narrow ass down somewhere”
I wept afterward.
@Gem…from Houston,
lol i love it…..
now you just need a switch….
i love you lil granma!
Umm…my father is 76 and is guilty of ALL of these things. We went to a wedding this past weekend (where the reception turns into the equivalent of a club) and he was very offended by loud Beyonce music. Anyway, this mug was the flyest back in his hayday, and now loves nothing more than to represent me and my 7 brothers’ schools on his body (all at the same time) and comment to my mother about the “hips on these young stallions”. It is inevitable. Sorry homie.
@Ann G,
welcome and sh*t (i think)
@The Champ, No, you’ve already welcomed me before and sh*t.
Ok I’m about to tell an embarrassing story, but we family so don’t clown me too hard.
So after a long stressful week of work at the end of the day on Friday, I’m sitting at work just trying to gather motivation to finish out the last 2 hours or so strong. Naturally I roll to youtube, and somehow found myself watching clips of my favorite WWF moments. This brought back all sorts of childhood nostalgia. I click on a tribute to HBK Shawn Michaels and when “Secksy Boy” comes blaring on my office speakers, I get unnaturally hype, taking me back to my 11 year old self.
First off if you’re unfamiliar with HBK, Sweet Chin Music (greatest finishing move ever!), or Secksy Boy (one of the greatest themes ever), please click here for 2 min and get caught up http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uJjpnzVF3Sk
I’m not sure what came over me, the endless TPS reports I had done last week, the Mexican Jambalaya I had sitting on my stomach, or the prospect of the weekend upon me, but I actually got up, closed my office door and lined up the calendar on my wall for “Sweet Chin Music”. With the bass of the music egging me on, I took two steps back and proceeded to deliver the famous kick to my imaginary foe.
As my leg went into the air, I swear to you, it felt like someone took one of those Shaka Zulu spears, and sliced my quad in two. I literally fell to the ground, and grabbed my leg in what to this day is the single worst pain I have probably ever felt. What made it worse is that I couldn’t scream for help, because I still had the montage rolling on youtube and it would have been obvious what happened.
Friday is the day I found out that the old folks were right all along.
@Dorian G.,
*snickering*
I remember the sweet chin music (considering youtube is now blocked here at the J).
You literally hurt yourself reminiscing.
Wow. You go hard!!!
@Dorian G.,
you know them dudes is on drugs right? Thats why he can kick his leg so high so hard and so fast without kicking his leg clean off.
SCM was the sheet tho, but nothin tops DDP’s Diamond Cutter. Eff Orton for stealing it.
@Dorian G.,
WOW
i was going to type “everything you mentioned describes my dad” until i realized that everything you mentioned describes “the champ on a sunday”.
seriously, yesterday i walked to the corner stone with an ensemble that could best be described as “thrifty convenience”, and actually got mad at a squirrel for having the audacity to be “running all fast” on the sidewalk beside me
@The Champ,
LOL
This blog topic is perfect, now Verysmartbrothas can easily delve into the topic of “How to attract a BMILF?”
I need that stimulus package.
Just whipped that up for a brotha- 6 ways to get a BlackMLIF: Da Dats Yo Momma?… Edition
You must somehow be affiliated with the wretched state of michigan to try to make Ohio seem as filthy as those wolverines.
Let me make some clarifications:
1. Any person in Ohio who isn’t intellectually deficient is a Steelers fan
2. The Browns suck (always have and always will)
3. Scarlet and Gray are the sexist colors around
4. We (in Ohio) don’t give a damn for the whole state of Michigan
That is all.
Unfortunately I’ve already done so many of the things I’ve seen others list at just a couple weeks shy of 33. But I still have a few things I hope I NEVER do.
My list…
1. I hope I never feel the urge to wear jeans with an elastic waistband
2. I hope I’m never the woman over 45 who thinks it’s cool to rock clothes from Wet Seal and Forever 21
3. I hope I’m never a whole generation behind on technology….(I’m already falling behind in some areas….but I never want to be on the level that my grandmom is on…equivalent to still being baffled by cordless phones)
4. I hope I’m never the old person who wants to try to look cool by incorporating new slang that I don’t even understand into conversations with younger people…just makes you look even older than you are.