Have you ever tried to break up with somebody and they just said, “no”, on some Hellen Keller I can’t feel my face or hear what you’re saying nonsense?
You don’t know what I’m talking about? Of course you do. You remember Costanza from Seinfeld trying to break up with Maura right?
You don’t??
Please, take a look at this:
That my friends is some bullsh*t but its an epidemic that is plaguing our society. People keep talking about unemployment reaching double digits but nobody’s talking about the They-Won’t-Go Index reaching a critical level of 35.7%. Some people either don’t get the message, refuse to accept the message, or just don’t care about what goes on in the hood. Just ask Ricky.
Oh wait, he dead. My bad. Ask Doughboy. Wait, he dead too. Nevermind.
Moving right along.
The art of breaking up has long been a difficult endeavor. It’s rarely easy and usually comes with way more conversation than you care to have but alas, unless you’re dating a mute, chances are the breakupee is going to say something. So that makes it even more frustrating when the person on the receiving end of your ginsu refuses to let you chop the lettuce. If you think about it, it’s rather retarded to actually deny somebody the opportunity to be without you, once they’ve said, “I’d rather be without you.” They’ve made it clear they’d rather f*ck snow pumas than stay with you, but for whatever reason, you reject their deposit.
But save the swallow people. Save the swallows.
Anyway, as a service today, I feel like I should help out you people in situations where you just can’t seem to get rid of an ex.
(Be mindful, some of this is extreme like white boys playing frisbee.)
Fake your own death.
Look, drastic times call for drastic measures. You can’t get rid of them? Well get rid of yourself. Nothing brings closure like death. Okay, that’s not really true but if you kick off then they can’t really continue to claim you in the present tense right? Makes sense to me. Just try not to answer your phone if they call. And let’s be real, they’ll still call you in death to make sure it’s real.
Kill them.
That’s what OJ’d do.
The victim “didn’t want this relationship to end,” said defence lawyer Greg Hawrysh. “He was persistent, not in a criminal way, and she found it very difficult to say no.”
Ignacio stole the man’s credit card and over the course of four months made $21,000 in cash withdrawals. The victim called police after he started noticing suspicious transactions on his credit card statement. Police arrested Ignacio after she was identified on security video using a drive-thru bank machine.
“Ms. Ignacio thought if she took the money from his account he would discover what happened and would realize this wasn’t the type of woman he wanted to spend the rest of his life with, and break up their courtship,” Hawrysh said. “The relationship eventually did end … and he was finally able to accept her wishes.”
Develop an STD that really just ain’t going nowhere killing your libido
Now, this could very well backfire and they’ll decide to stick it out with you (no pun intended) until you kick the bucket. In that case you’ll have to die at some point, which seems like so much overkill (um…pun intended). Of course, if you just kill yourself early (see Fake your own death), then you should be off the hook and on to the next one.
Start using heavy drugs like cocaine, heroin, and HGH…together
Nobody likes a dopehead. Or they shouldn’t anyway. Of course, they might try to detox you and then you’ll be in rehab for an addiction you don’t have which must suck but could make great fodder for a book, kind of like Black Like Me only about addiction, perhaps, The Needle In Me, or something. Just a suggestion. Got to make the best of it, right?
Become a religious zealot and damn them to hell
Definitely makes me hate you.
Marry them
Then you can divorce them and NOBODY is happy about getting divorced. Except maybe Elizabeth Taylor and Donald Trump, who I’m pretty sure married eachother at least once.
Anyway, good people of VSB, that’s a few ways to break up with somebody who won’t let you break up with them.
Any suggestions?
Speech.
-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL, HE A 3
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{ 27 comments… read them below or add one }
Hmmm, depends on how you want to be remembered.
If you’d rather be hated and on the top of the terrorist list of your ex, you can: Sleep with a close friend or family member or at least make a lie about it.
If you’d rather it be amicable, just get really quiet and reserved, refuse help, and just say you need time and space, you don’t know what’s goin on. It helps to to work on a nervous twitch too.
If you want them to stay smooth away from you from now on: Come home with a bag of weapons and make sure you lock the door 8 or 9 times after you get in. It helps to be really sweaty…and swing by OJ’s house and pick up that bloody glove.
oh, these statements have not been tested or endorsed by Saule Wright, Saule Wright Radio, or any Saule Wright affiliates in any way, shape or form.
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The One & True GEM... of the Ocean {November 11th, 2009 at 12:49 pm}
@Saule Wright,
LOL @ the detail in the second scenario
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Date their best friend.
Better yet, and if applicable, ask out their parent, sibling, or over 18 year old child.
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sisanda {November 11th, 2009 at 7:33 am}
@Kit (Keep It Trill),
“ask out their parent” – hahahahahah
This reminds me of a Jean grey bar, sooo hilarious and sooo true.
(My skills more disturbing than the thought of your ex having sex with one of your parents – Jean Grey)
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CleverScreenName {November 11th, 2009 at 6:01 pm}
@sisanda,
“…all on top like the flipped missionary position…”
-Jean Grae
yeah, that would do it for me. And that’s way too much detail… even though I loved that line, too.
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Lol. Breaking up with someone who won’t accept it is tough. I’ve had that happen a few times. The craziest one was a guy I went on two dates with and he wouldn’t accept that it was over for another 2 mths. I didn’t feel like I owed him a reason, but he continued to call me 3x/day thinking he could change my mind. He was really religious so I told him I was smoked, drank, and had a gambling problem and that worked.
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The One & True GEM... of the Ocean {November 11th, 2009 at 12:51 pm}
@Leila,
i had a similar stalker. we hung out a few times and he got real attached. after i told him to never call me again (cuz he called TOO much and wore green contacts — why he’s nicknamed green eyed bandit) he would go around telling ppl i was his “boo”. um no sir.
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‘NOBODY is happy about getting divorced’ LOL true.
You forgot one: Get the F*CK outta dodge! Just skip town and you’ll be aight.
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Cheekie {November 11th, 2009 at 11:26 am}
@Da Iceman,
It makes me wonder. Is “trying to get away from an ex” a valid reason to join the witness protection program? I mean, will that reason be sufficient enough to join? It should be…in a lot of cases.
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Sleep with their mom/dad in front of them. If that doesn’t work, chop off both your legs and pluck out an eye. No one wants to take care of someone. This will surely get them thinking strongly about a breakup.
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There is nothing worse than a delusional ex. The kind who says, “I know you said you want to break up but I didn’t think you meant it.”
Alls I can say is when they see that you
are having the time of your life without themhave moved on, things will escalate (arguments, crying, phone calls, etc.) but eventually they will realize how irrational they’re being (hopefully they have friends that willcall them out about ac’ing like a little b!tchhelp them reach this conclusion as quickly as possible) and all communications will cease. Hopefully.Then, like Da Iceman said, “Get the F*CK outta dodge…” You don’t want crazy following you cross-country.
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I’m having this problem now and I have tried everything but the illegal things and the divorce thing. He still wont go away.
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AO {November 11th, 2009 at 9:40 am}
@Princess0889,
might i suggest
a running, flying two-legged kick to the neck, sternum and stomach areayou move the hell outta dodge!Reply
MissJ82 {November 11th, 2009 at 3:48 pm}
@Princess0889, Me too girl, me too!
LMAO @ AO’s response!
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I prefer the old school methods. Stop cooking and doing the grown folk. He’ll leave on his own, quickly, lol.
If not, there’s always hot grits.
Holler.
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miss t-lee {November 11th, 2009 at 9:56 am}
@8th Wonder,
*snickering*
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Psyche {November 11th, 2009 at 10:48 am}
@8th Wonder, If not, there’s always hot grits.
works wonders doesn’t it…
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Cheekie {November 11th, 2009 at 11:23 am}
@8th Wonder,
LMAO. I love how on one hand you should stop cooking, but on the other, if you DO continue to cook, it should only be hot grits. Love it.
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The One & True GEM... of the Ocean {November 11th, 2009 at 12:53 pm}
@Cheekie,
LMAO exactly
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CleverScreenName {November 11th, 2009 at 6:11 pm}
@8th Wonder,
Damn, me thinks the VSS’s have decided on an effective – and subtle… :\ – way of getting rid of someone. All you have to do is give them minimum second degree burns and scar them for life.
I’m just mad at the consensus and giggles, though.
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I love that episode of Seinfeld…lol
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I think the best way to get the message to that sort of person is to threaten a restraining order… and then get it! Nothing says loving like a court order…. Naw, seriously though, you actually have to hurt some people’s feelings, like REALLY hurt their feelings. Sometimes there is no way around it.
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Provided by my homeboy..
*Have sex with her and then at 1:00 am tell her “You gotta get up outta here when I’m done with this bowl of ice cream because I got another b*tch about to run through”
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SLC {November 11th, 2009 at 1:03 pm}
@PrincessCutc,
OMG…that’s classic…LOL. It’s bogus but I can definetely see someone doing that…
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Sula {November 11th, 2009 at 4:52 pm}
@PrincessCutc,
LMAO @ ice cream!
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Act as though they never existed…answer the phone when they call but treat them like a stranger who dialed the wrong number at 3:16AM. If they come to your home look out the window and only speak to them through the door or crack the door open and say:
1: “I ain’t buying what you selling plus I already got two of those”
B: ” I am saved and do belong to a church…no make that two church’s”
~if that don’t work then do like Saule said and go get that glove from OJ.
Viola!
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Another way to get rid of a tenacious boo who you want to be your ex:
1. Do whatever Sammy Sosa did to his mug. I mean, who wants to be with that? Other than the sun (who will feel useful in said relationship)?
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miss t-lee {November 11th, 2009 at 11:23 am}
@Cheekie,
“Do whatever Sammy Sosa did to his mug”
I hate you right now…lmao!!!!!
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PrincessCutc {November 11th, 2009 at 11:38 am}
@Cheekie,
Do whatever Sammy Sosa did to his mug. I mean, who wants to be with that?
LMAO.. exactly! I saw a picture of him and his wife and she had a confused, disgusted ,WTF type look on her face.
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Cheekie {November 11th, 2009 at 12:39 pm}
@PrincessCutc,
LOL, we should send her the link to today’s entry.
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Punch them in the face… then run like the wind.
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Sorry for the unrelated (again…) but why nobody told me this Veteran’s Day parade was sooo effin sexy?! Goddamn, the eye candy is out today, huh?! Water, water everywhere and not a drop to drink.
*Holds pic of bf close to heart like a bible*
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Cheekie {November 11th, 2009 at 12:40 pm}
@Me fail english?,
O_O
Is this ish broadcasted online? It must be. *scurries to parade broadcast when should be doing work*
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Me fail english? {November 11th, 2009 at 12:43 pm}
@Cheekie,
I dunno. I typed that from my phone. Good lord, I saw quite a few soldiers that would look good in my handcuffs…
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Cheekie {November 11th, 2009 at 1:10 pm}
@Me fail english?,
LOL!!
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funny list but i’ve found the best way to break up is to be upfront and honest. say exactly why you don’t want to be them anymore. keep it blunt. it may come across as mean spirited but it leaves no room for confusion and unclarity. i’ll be the asshole now if need be, but you’ll appreciate it in the long run.
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The One & True GEM... of the Ocean {November 11th, 2009 at 1:00 pm}
@Tunde,
i think the tone of the post is for ppl who dont take your honest open break up speech. and they just refuse to let you let them go.
thus the need to fake kill yoself.
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Stop smiling. Stop laughing. Stop contributing to conversations. And definitely don’t do them any more favors, big or small. They won’t let you go because they’re selfish. Watch how fast they disappear once they ain’t getting shyt from you.
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Dang, does this list apply to former dips who just won’t lose your d@mn number like you tell them to, sending you fb messages, and steady tryna include you in their life celebrations…after you tell them you don’t want to be friends!?!?!
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Sula {November 11th, 2009 at 5:04 pm}
@K to the…,
See? That’s why my FB has a policy on former dips/exes/ etc on it… No more than 2 people who have seen me naked with legs up the sky on the FB at the same time. Period. There is the ex-boyfriend that everybody knows you’ve been with even your current SO… and then there is the SO. Everybody else is BANNED!!
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V Renee {November 11th, 2009 at 6:16 pm}
@Sula,
No more than 2 people who have seen me naked with legs up the sky on the FB at the same time. .
Okay I seriously laughed at this. And then I thought about and realized that you are on to something!!!
I did a brief scan and realized I myself apply that same rule! I didn’t even realize I did.
Oh and “The Man” unblocked this site, so I’s back snitches!!!
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I had a male Maura. (I love that episode, by the way.) However, he wasn’t so cool, calm and collected. He was more “baby, baby, please!” I fell for it everytime, until I didn’t. I was young and I kept giving him more and more chances to get his act together. Finally, I was able to break it off with him via the phone. I know, I know, but it was the only way!
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Caballeroso {November 11th, 2009 at 2:38 pm}
@Miss Patterson,
…at least you didn’t do it by text message. Besides, that face to face break up stuff is soooo over-rated. That just gives them an opportunity to clown you in public by making a scene, hold on to you and not let go, and get the 2520’s nervous and wanting to get po po’s involved, etc. I don’t do the whole public drama thing.
Side note: A friend of mine learned she’d been dumped when her BF changed his FB status to single.
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Miss Patterson {November 11th, 2009 at 5:06 pm}
@Caballeroso, nooooooooooooo. that’s awful!
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cam1ll3 {November 12th, 2009 at 3:00 am}
@Caballeroso,
damn.
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“Become a religious zealot and damn them to hell”
^^^That actually happened to me…..But I said I wasn’t gone tell nobody. ~LMAO~
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For the life of me I’ve never understood why people do things like that. If you tell me you don’t wanna me around anymore I might be hurt but I definitely ain’t stayin I guess I’m just too proud for that.
Oh yeah whenever this happens to me I just pretty much ignore the problem until it goes away. They can only talk and chase and stalk you so long until they on to the next one… either that or I haven’t come across the truly crazy yet
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My two favorites (which happen to be ones that I’ve actually had to use in this situation that proved to be pretty effective):
*Pretend like they died. Act like whenever they call, its their ghost and you’re too afraid to answer the phone. Don’t call them because dead people can’t answer the phone. Don’t read emails: those pesky hackers obviously got ahold of their email account and are desecrating it to mess with you.
* Tell them you need a break. Start it at two weeks, and then keep moving the reconciliation back until its indefinite. After a while, they will lose interest, or you will have found a replacement.
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This is THE driest day in VSB history. Where the hell is everybody? I need to be entertained!
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I don’t have any effective ways to deal with this, but I have a few things that you should NOT do.
1. Don’t sleep with her again. No, not even head. She will take it as a sign that you want her to have your little cleverscreennames. This probably seems like common sense, but damn it’s sexy when a woman that you were already fond of for one reason or another can’t
get her mouth from near your buckle orget enough of you. And bedtime activities are difficult for guys to turn down.2. If you see her momma in the grocery store, don’t be nice/polite. This will lead to this discussion:
“Girl, you gotta fight for him. I always knew he was a good man. Don’t let no cleanup woman take what you got.” Now you’re trying to break up with two women and one of them has experience on her side. If, when you saw her momma in Vons or Winco or the Liquor store, you said “I’ve decided to worship the great donkey.” Then you wouldn’t have to worry about it. You’d be in the clear.
3. And this is most important. Don’t date a 2520 soon after your very insane sista. She will take it as a challenge. And she will win. And the poor 2520 might never see her Scion coming down the one way street in the wrong direction in the dead of night with the lights off.
One more thing, brothas and sistas alike. if you ever hear the phrase “I can’t live without you”, your immediate response should be “You’re right, I was a fool, please take me back.” At least until you work out a more concrete escape plan. Because whenever that phrase is uttered, what it really means is “You can’t live without me.” And it usually gets uttered right before the mysterious disappearances begin.
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Selah {November 11th, 2009 at 8:05 pm}
@CleverScreenName,
The great donkey?? 2520s and scions? LMAO. I sooo needed this comment in my life.
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cam1ll3 {November 12th, 2009 at 3:03 am}
@CleverScreenName,
ctfu @ the great donkey!!!! you’s a fool!!!!
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ok, if you’ve exhausted every dignified way of breaking up (ie: i’m sorry but we should break up; it’s not you it’s me; it’s not me it’s you; you suck in bed and not in the good way; kick rocks b***h) then do the following:
set a date with the soon to be ex. he/she will be happy. yaaaaay. make date with new prospect. explain to new prospect you have a stop to make on the way to your date with them and stop at date spot for you and ex. walk with new prospect to ex and introduce the ex as such and introduce the new prospect as such (ie: this is my weak ass busta ass ex george and this in my new virile stallion mike). bid your ex a good evening and stroll out of the restaurant with your new prospect. the ex will most definetely get the message.
*side effects include: cursing out by phone/voicemail, possible bad mouthing amongst mutual friends and a slight case of guilt. know that voicemails can be erased, your real friends won’t give a sh*t and guilt fades as peace of mind settles in. good luck and godspeed.
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Don’t worry about being hated, you want them to hate you if it comes down to this!
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Yeah…I definitely told a guy, “Well, I’m half of this relationship, and I don’t agree” when my boyfriend tried to break up with me in high school. Thus, the name CrazyGirl. I’m in recovery now. Good thing he didn’t have to fake his own death for me to learn!
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