link/email of the week
we received this forward from esteemed regular ana b a few days ago….
dictionary decoder for women’s personal ads
40-ish………………………49
Adventurous……………..Slept with all your friends
Beautiful……………………Pathological liar
Contagious Smile………..Does a lot of pills
Educated…………………..Was screwed to bits at College
Emotionally Secure……..On medication
Feminist…………………….Fat
Free spirited………………….Junkie
Friendship first……………Former slut
Fun………………………….Annoying
Gentle………………………Dull
Good Listener……………Autistic
New-Age………………….Body hair problems
Old-fashioned…………….Missionary position only
Open-minded……………..Desperate
Outgoing……………………Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate………………….Sloppy drunk
Poet………………………….Depressive
Professional…………… …Bi*ch
Romantic…………………..Frigid
Social……………………….Crotch like a clown’s pocket
Voluptuous………………..Very Fat
Large lady…………………Hugely Fat
Wants Soulmate………….Stalker
Widow………………………Murderer.
(***champ’s note*** after reading this i’m actually jealous that someone thought of “crotch like a clown’s pocket” before i did. this might have been the holy grail of crotch-related simile snark, and I’m seriously distressed by this)
good readers of verysmartbrothas.com, if you could add your own “dictionary decoding” words for either gender, what would they be?
—vsb
67 comments
Down to earth = I’m a hood bat
Aspiring model = recently in Black Tail Mag featured as ass cheek spreader of the month
Spiritual/Goes to Church = often uses the Bible/Koran to get ass
[Reply]
The Champ {May 15th, 2008 at 8:32 am}
“Down to earth = I’m a hood bat”
lol
[Reply]
Shelia {May 15th, 2008 at 10:37 am}
Spiritual/Goes to Church = often uses the Bible/Koran to get ass
Add I’m a Preacher–using the excuse to lay hands on you swearing he’s doing in the name of the Lord.
[Reply]
*avid reader = last book she read was from Superhead*
[Reply]
The Champ {May 15th, 2008 at 8:31 am}
i like “avid reader=avid reader of texts and forwards”
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Shelia {May 15th, 2008 at 10:38 am}
AJA…lol…you wrong for that…last book Superhead or the book from elementary school…See Jane Run.
[Reply]
aja {May 16th, 2008 at 1:23 am}
LOL…Dick and Jane books!
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Here’s my decoder for Men’s Ads:
Laid Back = Lazy
More To Love = Breasts bigger than mine
Musician = Unemployed/lives with parents or couch surfs
Romantic =will give you a warm, wet towel afterwards
Asian Women Only= Has a small penis & figures they won’t notice the difference
No drama = FULL of drama
Children under 18 months= still sleeping w/the baby mama
Looking to meet new people=already ran through everyone on Black Planet and Black People Meet
From Nigeria/Ghana=wants to clean out your bank account
Casual Relationship= wants to f*ck once and never call you again
38+ no children/never been married= CRAZY
Mama’s boy= mom will be all in your business because she more than likely doesn’t have a man of her own
Anyone with “69″ in their name=broke and only has d*ck to offer
Religious/”God First”=f*cked over some crazy broad who left him dangling from the balcony of a Howard Johnson and he saw his life flash before his eyes.
Finances not important to him=he’s broke and hopes you feel the same way
Neat Freak= Has OCD and all the soup cans in his cupboard are facing label side out…and alphabetized
Income listed $75,000-$100,000= divide by 3
Old-school= Just old
Artist= Doesn’t bathe regularly
[Reply]
The Champ {May 15th, 2008 at 9:56 am}
“From Nigeria/Ghana=wants to clean out your bank account”
see…this is just wrong. who knew cali chicks were closet xenophobes, lol
[Reply]
Kitsune {May 15th, 2008 at 2:03 pm}
I’m not the only one who watches 20/20 am I? j/k
Actually, I got wind of this from a male friend. Apparently there are tons of female nurses from Ghana & Nigeria on BPM trying to get $ from American dudes. I figured it was a 2 way street. =)
[Reply]
Shelia {May 15th, 2008 at 10:40 am}
Kitsune, your whole list is on point.
Laid Back = Lazy
Romantic =will give you a warm, wet towel afterwards
Income listed $75,000-$100,000= divide by 3
[Reply]
The Champ {May 15th, 2008 at 12:28 pm}
“Romantic =will give you a warm, wet towel afterwards”
*hanging head in shame*
[Reply]
Kitsune {May 15th, 2008 at 2:00 pm}
Awww shucks! The Champ is the romantic type! LOL!
[Reply]
Ana B {May 15th, 2008 at 4:23 pm}
@ KITSUNE PREACH IT: add to your list
INTERNATIONAL= looking for a green card to stay in the country
[Reply]
Kitsune {May 15th, 2008 at 5:32 pm}
HAHAHA! So true!
Oh, I have another one:
Successful Businessman: Manages two Checkers/Rally’s locations
[Reply]
aja {May 16th, 2008 at 1:25 am}
LOL u a fool!
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Miss Patterson {May 17th, 2008 at 2:07 am}
I can’t stop laughing. I gotta show this my girls.
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Well there you have it, truth in advertising! Honestly, that’s an accurate description of desperate females’ J/K.
I understand the author’s fascination with words; Hey why not be honest! Let’s shift in emphasis from persuasion to identification. “Easily impressed 28 year old male recently broke up with girlfriend and I need a shot of ass!”
Anyway here it is;
FIRST THE ADS FROM WOMEN
Contagious Smile…Bring your penicillin
Feminist…Fat; ball buster
Friendship first…Trying to live down reputation as slut
Gentle…Comatose
————————————–
THE MALE SIDE OF THE LIST
40-ish…52 and looking for 25-yr-old
Friendship first…As long as friendship involves nudity
Fun…Good with a remote and a six pack
Physically fit…I spend a lot of time in front of mirror admiring myself
Poet…Has written on a bathroom stall
Thoughtful…Says “Please” when demanding a beer
[Reply]
The Champ {May 15th, 2008 at 8:34 am}
“Contagious Smile…Bring your penicillin”
classic
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Shelia {May 15th, 2008 at 10:41 am}
Contagious Smile…Bring your penicillin
Now that’s truly reading in between the lines…lol
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Wow, is all I can say!
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The Champ {May 15th, 2008 at 8:35 am}
liar. i’m pretty sure you can say more.
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*Cracking The Hell Up*
Complete foolery.
Men’s List:
He says “I love you”….really means he loves your cooty-cat.
He told you he has one child…. meaning he has a possible 3 more he’s not to sure about
He loves to shop…. he has spending problems.
Tells you which of his boys are handsome or fine…. he’s politely letting you know he likes to take it in the anus.
[Reply]
The Champ {May 15th, 2008 at 9:58 am}
“Tells you which of his boys are handsome or fine…. he’s politely letting you know he likes to take it in the anus.”
see. thats a man rule right there. if asked, you can say “yeah, i guess he’s a handsome cat”, but the word “fine” should never be used to describe a man under any circumstances
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Teacia {May 15th, 2008 at 10:14 am}
He says “I love you”….really means he loves your cooty-cat.
Man I haven’t heard the words “cooty-cat” in like ages…this is to funny!
[Reply]
Shelia {May 15th, 2008 at 10:43 am}
Ms Freckles…lol He says “I love you”….really means he loves your cooty-cat.
[Reply]
LOL. This is hilarious:
Mens-
Successful=has a job, any job
Family man=has 6 kids
Average height= 5′6
Likes to party=alcoholic
Loves to party=cokehead
Very sexual=swings both ways
Mama’s boy=mama’s roommate
[Reply]
Xquizzyt1 {May 15th, 2008 at 12:24 pm}
ROFLMAO!!!!
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y’all named all the good ones already.
here’s one tho:
family oriented: still lives at home with his mother where she still does his laundry and cooks his meals and changes his sheets.
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My Female Decoder
*Independent Woman=I have poor choice in men and all 3 of my baby daddies left me
*Thick=FAT
*Professional=Bossy
*Likes To Go Out=You Betta Be A Baller
*Likes To Cook=FAT
*Good With Kids=Have A Litter of RugRats at Home
*Very Religious=The Pastor/Choir Director/Youth Minister at My Church Is Hot!
*Goal-Oriented=I’ve Already Planned Out our Wedding and the Invitations Are Ready To Be Sent
*Adventurous=I’ve tried sushi once
*I’m A Model=I Have A Myspace Page AND a Digital Camera
[Reply]
The Champ {May 15th, 2008 at 10:01 am}
“I’m A Model=I Have A Myspace Page AND a Digital Camera”
seriously, somebody had to stop this. i mean, some of these chicks referring to themselves as “models”. its akin to me referring to myself as a “professional basketball player” just because i play in the staff and faculty league here on campus
[Reply]
Shelia {May 15th, 2008 at 10:44 am}
Monk…loved your list too. Especially…*I’m A Model=I Have A Myspace Page AND a Digital Camera
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Cheryl {May 15th, 2008 at 11:49 am}
So if I don’t say I’m thick I just say I’m fat, does that imply that I’m like jared-before-subwayish?
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The Champ {May 15th, 2008 at 12:30 pm}
“So if I don’t say I’m thick I just say I’m fat, does that imply that I’m like jared-before-subwayish?”
you know what, i dont think so
[Reply]
GOODENess {May 16th, 2008 at 6:22 pm}
*choked on my jello pudding pop*
you are a damn fool…
“Goal-Oriented=I’ve Already Planned Out our Wedding and the Invitations Are Ready To Be Sent”
[Reply]
ROFL!
My list:
Nice guy = asshole
Ambitious = Just completed 4th yr at Community College. I’ll get my degree eventually!
Seeking committment = still in love w/ my baby mama but she won’t take me back
Mature = 45 yrs old
Artistic = Aspiring rapper/producer
Considerate = Puts toilet seat down
Free-spirit = unemployed
Loves to travel = I go to Miami every Memorial Day weekend
Entrepreneur = unemployed
[Reply]
The Champ {May 15th, 2008 at 10:02 am}
“Entrepreneur = unemployed”
this made me choke on my waffle.
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Xquizzyt1 {May 15th, 2008 at 12:25 pm}
I hate you K. ROFLMAO
[Reply]
Men
Sponteneous: I will try to call you on short notice when my main chick isn’t available
Women:
Sponteneous: I will make myself available to you at short notice and all times of the night because I’m desperate.
[Reply]
Xquizzyt1 {May 15th, 2008 at 12:26 pm}
ROFLMAO!!!! I hate you too. ROFLMAO
[Reply]
Hostess {May 15th, 2008 at 1:22 pm}
Hey girl!!! How’s school treatin’ ya?!
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Under 25 and ex-military = went AWOL and is potentially still on the run
Was a child actor = an extra on Sesame Street and/or Reading Rainbow
Looking for a committed relationship = wants to get married
Had a troubled childhood = still has issues and is on medication
Has a troubled past = has been arrested, locked up, been under psychiatric evaluation, made a living in a way that can’t be reported on income taxes, or is currently on probation.
Independent woman = Doesn’t trust you with anything that could seriously affect her life. Feels it’s safer to do things herself.
[Reply]
Time for me to take a crack at this.
Panama’s Code for Chicktalk -
Smart = owns books
Avid reader = tabloid or black lit queen
Lovely demeanor = face only a father could love, and otherwise looks like she bites trees
Optimistic = on meds
Optimistic, pt 2. = never had a boyfriend
Adventurous = leaves car running while filling up the gas tank
Quick-witted = won a game of Taboo and won’t shut up about it
Drama-less = much like optimistic, has never had a boyfriend, or had sex
Great cook = Miss Microwave America 2007 runner-up
Likes to laugh = on meds
Gets along with everybody = neighborhood ho
Ambitious = has job despite tattoo on her neck
Perseverant = has job despite tattoo on her neck
Fun-loving = if you’re down, she’s down
[Reply]
Sheryl {May 15th, 2008 at 12:09 pm}
“Lovely demeanor = face only a father could love, and otherwise looks like she bites trees”
Terrible…but I did get my laugh for the day
[Reply]
Xquizzyt1 {May 15th, 2008 at 1:08 pm}
I skipped yours until I was ready to comment. *sigh* I give up on you. “bites trees” Really? *sigh*
[Reply]
Niqkels {May 15th, 2008 at 4:43 pm}
What is it with you and biting?
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Shelia {May 15th, 2008 at 7:10 pm}
Doggone it…I resemble these two…although I deny reading the tabloids (except in the checkout line at Walmart…lol):
Smart = owns books
Avid reader = tabloid or black lit queen
[Reply]
GOODENess {May 16th, 2008 at 6:24 pm}
HEY…I have a tattoo on my neck…LOL…
[Reply]
Of all the things listed, nothing is more true than this one:
No drama = FULL of drama
LOL …… LOL
[Reply]
Kitsune {May 15th, 2008 at 2:07 pm}
*taking a bow* Thank you! Thank you!
When someone leads with a negative…RUN!
No drama/no baggage =Has enough for both of you!
[Reply]
just realized i forgot to list my own
independant = latent daddy issues
open-minded = open-minded, unless you disagree with me
humble = raging narcassist
adventurous = condoms optional
career-driven = fino *female in name only*
daddy’s girl = daddy used to hit it
free spirit = ground zero
great with kids = great at making kids
…to be continued
[Reply]
Ms. Freckles {May 15th, 2008 at 12:44 pm}
I’m so MAD AT YOU for “daddy’s girl = daddy used to hit it”…you going straight to the fire for that one! LMAO
[Reply]
Xquizzyt1 {May 15th, 2008 at 1:09 pm}
A mess. “Daddy used to hit.” Sigh. You need Jesus. That is all. Carry on.
[Reply]
Kitsune {May 15th, 2008 at 2:08 pm}
adventurous = condoms optional
Wow! LMAO!
[Reply]
Miss Patterson {May 19th, 2008 at 10:44 pm}
‘Daddy used to hit it”? Repent Champ, repent. Get down on your knees right now and ask God for forgiveness.
[Reply]
Okay… here we go.
Woman:
Looking for family-oriented man = I have 10 kids.
Great cook = Fat
Hates drama = All her exes told her that they broke up with her because of her drama
Great Personality = Ugly
Smart = obnoxious
Sexy = Dresses like a tramp
Knows how to have fun = will give it up on the 1st date
Go-getter = Bossy
Cute = average looking and/or annoying
Friendship first = I’m going to TRY not to sleep with you on the first date
Man
Looking for an “active” woman = you better not be fat
Looking for woman who’s not materialistic = I’m broke
Looking for a woman who knows how to have fun = you better give it up on the first date
Friendship first = I’m just looking for more women to screw.
[Reply]
Ms. Freckles {May 15th, 2008 at 12:45 pm}
ROTFLMAO!!!! @ “Friendship first = I’m going to TRY not to sleep with you on the first date
“
[Reply]
The Champ {May 15th, 2008 at 1:51 pm}
“Looking for woman who’s not materialistic = I’m broke”
this is funny
[Reply]
Shelia {May 15th, 2008 at 7:12 pm}
Friendship first = I’m just looking for more women to screw.
ROFL
[Reply]
Also…
He tells you that you’re full of character…..means he’s about good & sick of your ghetto-rat attitude.
Going to Brazil with the fellas…..really means you better take him straight to the HIV clinic to get tested a couple months after he gets back.
Has a FEW best female friends….. means he has chicks he says are platonic that he occassionally sleeps with or allows oral pleasures to be exchanged.
He needs to borrow $50 til payday…… means he has foul credit and preparing to jack yours up too! RUN GIRL RUN!
[Reply]
Damn,
It seems that some of us mess with some sketchy characters.
[Reply]
Woman
Looking for Mr. Right = hasn’t found a man willing to do everything she wants
Good cook = Ex said her food was good, but was throwing it out when she wasn’t looking.
Loves animals = has one to many cats
Man
Looking for Mrs. Right = hasn’t found a woman to replace his momma
He likes to try new things = has a friend in mind for a potential 3some
Loves animals = has a pitbull, but fights it on the weekends (Shout out to #7 and DMX)
[Reply]
“Looking for woman who’s not materialistic = I’m broke”
That one is perfect!
[Reply]
You forgot pleasantly plump … which I think is somewhere between large lady and voluptuous.
If anyone needs proof … do a browse on myspace … lol.
[Reply]
1. I want a real man not a boy / I want a woman, not a girl.
2. Single, no kids.
3. Tells the truth.
4. Looks aren’t important
5. Likes to experience new things.
What women mean:
1. I only date guys who are like my high school boyfriend, nice up front, but only until the f*ck me in the a**.
2. Your money, like the truth, is to be given to me, only me, and spent on nothing but me.
3. If I ever catch you in a lie, people will start replacing “Mrs. Bobbit” with “Miss. My Name”.
4. However, you WILL wear EXACTLY what I say, especially when out with me.
5. Will watch Lifetime with me for 8 hours instead of the last 3 games of the NBA finals all scheduled for the same day.
What men mean:
1. You better espouse Destiny Child’s ‘Independent Woman’ so much that I need to keep telling YOU “no honey, I don’t need another Maserati”.
2. I don’t want to live in fear of disciplining someone’s kids thinking that Big James from da block will be out to beat my ass once he gets out of jail because little Travis decided to whine to his “real” daddy.
3. Actually, I don’t care. But I know you’re only going to go for a guy who is “deep” and shows some sensitivity. Excuse me while I memorize my story of friendship almost destroyed by a lie that I will reluctantly reveal to you on the second date exactly 30 minutes before pulling your panties off with my teeth.
4. I haven’t pulled a 21yo coed at the club in over 6 months. I think it’s time I retired my jersey. Plus people keep muttering “mothballs” when I walk in and apparently I can’t keep up with the new slang.
5. I read that anal is the modern day equivalent of getting brain in the front seat of a Hummer. However, adventurous to me means you will continue PRETENDING to be all shocked when I pull you into the business class bathroom on the plane to Atlantic City, even though we both know that this wouldn’t be happening if YOU didn’t have the condoms in your purse.
Obviously, I have more insight into the male psyche.
[Reply]
I’ve been hearing this one a lot, usually 5-10 minutes into conversation when they start asking the who what when where and why questions about me: “You’re so young”. (I’m typically 3-4 years younger but apparently seem older on first blush).
I’m starting to think “You’re so young” means: Even though I no longer worry about my girlfriends thinking I’m a slut for taking a man home that I just met because we’re all at the age where we understand the need for a woman to have an itch thoroughly and deliciously scratched now and then, I will never hear the last of the cradle robbing jokes and while that may not necessarily be enough to deter me, I’m still self-conscious to the point where I’d be afraid to look you in the eyes with your hard toned naked body pressed up against mine because I’m afraid of what time has done to me and I know you’re one of those guys that would be looking me dead in the eyes waiting for me to scream ‘Ay Papi’ and to be honest, I’m just looking for a piece of ass tonight and don’t want to tell with some young boy calling me at work and at home for the next couple months until he gets the message because I know that in the morning you’d make those puppy dog eyes at me or just take my phone and call yours and I won’t have the heart or energy to break the truth to your fine, young, fragile, mind.
[Reply]
[...] Filed under: kamakula — kamakula @ 1:03 am So, a blog that I read broached this topic here. I’d posted some comments, apparently towards the end of the viewing cycle. Not wanting them [...]
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