link of the week: the contract
earlier in the week, vsb.com regular muse (who’s probably riding a pyramid as we speak) forwarded me a link to an, ummm, “unique” marriage contract.
originally posted on thesmokinggun.com, this contract was devised by 33 year old iowan travis frey. titled “contract of wifely expectations“, this document was to be signed and explicitly followed by his wife (who never actually signed sh*t)
(click here for full contract)
sample gems from this insane four page manuscript:
“when we are home and alone as a family, you will be naked within 20 minutes of the kids being in bed, and sleep naked unless instructed otherwise”
“misbehavior is when you complain about what is requested or expected of you, or when you try to negotiate something other than what was requested or expected of you. if this happens you will lose 5 gbd’s (good behavior days) per incident”
“i will select your sleepwear for you, and you will find it under your bed if there is none you will be naked. during your menstrual cycle you can wear a top and panties. the top is to be no longer than to cover your buttchecks”
“you are to pose for 20 pictures per quarter, unless your quota is filled”
“by the end of the first day of each quarter, you are to choose your pet name that you want me to call you by. your choice must meet my approval, and noncompliance will be a 20 gbd loss”
complete and utter insanity notwithstanding, i think we all have some variant of a contract in our heads as we try navigate the murky shark-infested waters of courting, dating, and relationships. maybe we’re not all as crazy as mr. frey, but we all have certain rules and expectations we’d like our potential and current mates to follow.
so, occasionally intelligent and outrageously lascivious people of vsb.com, what rules (if any) would be in your contracts?
oh, and btw…what ever happened to mr. frey?
he was eventually charged with first-degree kidnapping and domestic abuse assault causing injury (as well as child pornography) and convicted of third-degree sex abuse and domestic assault. he’s currently serving 11 years, and sharing a jail cell with beanie segal.
moral of the story: maybe its not a good thing that obama won iowa.
—the champ
391 comments
Must rub my feet at least 18 times during any given quarter.
[Reply]
The Champ {August 7th, 2008 at 9:07 am}
what the hell is a “quarter” anyway? every three months? every third week? everytime you see a quarter?
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Leila {August 7th, 2008 at 9:37 am}
“everytime you see a quarter?”
LOL
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Tay {August 8th, 2008 at 8:20 pm}
“everytime you see a quarter?”
lol… no
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I was recently on a lunch date with a man (while visiting the DMV), while we were on said date he instinctively went to bless his food, then stopped and looked at me and began to explain and asked if I minded or would I be offended if he blessed his food. To which I responded (in my head) If I minded or were offended than you shouldnt want to be with me.
my contractual agreement shall include but is not limited to
1. Be Christian: have an active relationship with God, the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost
2. Believe in Marriage
3. Believe and want to be part of a Family
4. Be the head of the household
5. Love me on my worst day
[Reply]
The Comeback Girl {August 7th, 2008 at 8:33 am}
“then stopped and looked at me and began to explain and asked if I minded or would I be offended if he blessed his food”
Sometimes i feel like a satanic heifer because I DO LOVE THE LORD…yes I do…but must we hold hands, pray super long and loud.
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Panama Jackson {August 7th, 2008 at 10:00 am}
i used to want to be a preacher so i could hold the longest prayer sessions known to man…
luckily, somebody introduced me to sanctified sinnin’ the next day and its been on like popcorn ever since!
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The Comeback Girl {August 7th, 2008 at 10:09 am}
“i used to want to be a preacher so i could hold the longest prayer sessions known to man…”
P???? in a fine dining establishment. I’m not sure this is appropriate. So you blessin ALL of MAGGIANO’s FOOD and the kitchen and the wait staff??
I dunno…I appreciate that maybe during a family gathering AT HOME.
but I should not be catchin the holy ghost over Fettucine Alfredo.
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Panama Jackson {August 7th, 2008 at 10:38 am}
“but I should not be catchin the holy ghost over Fettucine Alfredo.”
um…when else you gonna catch it?
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The Comeback Girl {August 7th, 2008 at 11:20 am}
you right over chicken…
but i also appreciate a man who not just talks like God…but WALKs like him too even when he isn’t blessin the table. Thats integrity, thats being a stewart in his community, that’s keeping his word, thats treating women (even from his past with respect and talking about them relatively well and in good terms) “that bytch was mean” is not good.
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The Champ {August 7th, 2008 at 12:48 pm}
“that bytch was mean” is not good”
even if she was?
Intellectual Hedonist {August 7th, 2008 at 11:00 am}
as a former PK, I quietly bow my head and bless my food at each meal, when I get in my car each morning, while I am sitting on a plane about to take off, and at night before going to bed.
Im in now way talking about catching the Holy Ghost up in Maggiano’s but just a moment to recognize and thank…
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The Comeback Girl {August 7th, 2008 at 11:07 am}
I know. I was just being un sanctified. Prayer is good. And it DOES change things.
But long and loud prayers where we hold hands on dates at restaurants is my little hangup ***now where is my bus pass to hell**
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The Champ {August 7th, 2008 at 12:50 pm}
“Im in now way talking about catching the Holy Ghost up in Maggiano’s but just a moment to recognize and thank…”
ok…i’m about tired of you all name-dropping chains that ive never even been to (or heard of)
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The Comeback Girl {August 7th, 2008 at 1:53 pm}
sometimes I think you like playing dumb…how the ham sandwich did you know it was a chain???
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The Champ {August 7th, 2008 at 2:00 pm}
“sometimes I think you like playing dumb…how the ham sandwich did you know it was a chain???”
what i should have said was “chains ive never heard of before i started this site”, lol. i had no idea about this place until a couple weeks ago.
sh*t, if you go here…
http://www.maggianos.com/locations/
…you’ll see that there are none within like 250-300 miles of pittsburgh
The Comeback Girl {August 7th, 2008 at 2:48 pm}
King of Prussia PA…247 miles…its a worthy chain.
The Champ {August 7th, 2008 at 3:35 pm}
“King of Prussia PA…247 miles…its a worthy chain.”
lol…see what i mean. i aint traveling 247 miles for no damn spaghetti
Panama Jackson {August 7th, 2008 at 4:01 pm}
@the champ: lol…see what i mean. i aint traveling 247 miles for no damn spaghetti
that literally made me laugh out loud.
cuz its true. you’d make that drive for spaghetti.
miss t-lee {August 7th, 2008 at 8:59 am}
IH—good list.
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Intellectual Hedonist {August 7th, 2008 at 12:14 pm}
thanks
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This is great food for thought. Some things on my contract would be
1. Must not take my sarcasm to heart. It is part of my sense of humor and thus a component of my charm.
2. Must not look at me strange if I suggest something sexually that he/I/both of us have never experienced.
3. Should be a football fan. If not, must not bitch about me going out on most sundays from pre-season to superbowl.
4. Must understand that I am not a girlie-girl. Sometimes I just like to say fuck and enjoy an ice cold beer. Dont try to change me and I wont change you.
5. Has to be willing to give me back rubs. One a month will get you far with me.
6. Must not judge me by my family. I love them but lord they are a crazy bunch.
[Reply]
sisanda {August 7th, 2008 at 6:57 am}
Your first two points are on point!!
“6. Must not judge me by my family. I love them but lord they are a crazy bunch.” - yep, i know how you feel, luckily my parents never got into the routine of having family meetings/gatherings, too much Drama but i aint sayin nothin cause that’s family business {all that glitters is not gold}
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miss t-lee {August 7th, 2008 at 8:56 am}
3. Should be a football fan. If not, must not bitch about me going out on most sundays from pre-season to superbowl
YES!!!
I dated a guy who didn’t like sports once, and needless to say, that’s a big reason he’s no longer in the picture.
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Deviant {August 7th, 2008 at 9:37 am}
was he gay ro soemthing or did he get beat up alot as a child?
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miss t-lee {August 7th, 2008 at 9:54 am}
I’m sure he wasn’t gay, now the other, I’m not so sure about.
He didn’t watch any sports, at all. I thought it was strange myself. I tried to let it slide, but I couldn’t. Especially when he was trying to act all funny-style about me watching football on sundays.
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Panama Jackson {August 7th, 2008 at 10:02 am}
if i’ve said it once, i’ve said it a million times: i do not trust men who do not like sports at all.
oh and also, i do not trust black men with no bass in their voice. my mother’s white and my voice has heftiness to it.
if this is you, work on that shit. you probably give limp dap too.
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The Champ {August 7th, 2008 at 10:05 am}
“if i’ve said it once, i’ve said it a million times: i do not trust men who do not like sports at all.”
i agree. ive never met a dude who was completely uninterested in sports and didnt have serious personality issues. never
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miss t-lee {August 7th, 2008 at 10:10 am}
“didnt have serious personality issues. never”
That he did have. LOL
miss t-lee {August 7th, 2008 at 10:11 am}
@ Panama
You don’t trust ‘em huh?! Maybe I should adopt this.
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JBoogie {August 7th, 2008 at 10:19 am}
i concur…men who don’t like sports and/or have no bass in the voice=highly suspect and b*tchazz.
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BigBuck {August 7th, 2008 at 10:46 am}
A dude who doesn’t like any sports and has no bass in his voice………is there any doubt that he is gay? The DL is alive and well, and any man who has those two traits should be held suspect for sure!
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The Champ {August 7th, 2008 at 12:52 pm}
“A dude who doesn’t like any sports and has no bass in his voice………is there any doubt that he is gay? The DL is alive and well, and any man who has those two traits should be held suspect for sure!”
shoot, i bet even gay men think that men who dont like any sports is gay, lol
Jamila {August 7th, 2008 at 1:48 pm}
“you probably give limp dap too.”
That is so true… men with out bass usually do have that limp dap. and sweaty hands. ewww
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Alise {August 7th, 2008 at 9:57 am}
The non-sports guy is a dating anomale that I have encountered once, I felt like the “man” of the relationship, it was just too weird…
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miss t-lee {August 7th, 2008 at 10:09 am}
It was weird. Very weird.
Some kats don’t like a certain sport, like let’s say baseball. That I can understand. I only like baseball when I go to the games, but to say you don’t like ANY sports, that’s just odd to me.
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The Champ {August 7th, 2008 at 9:08 am}
“2. Must not look at me strange if I suggest something sexually that he/I/both of us have never experience”
ummm…hmmm.
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Oh yay I been waiting 2 weeks to be at the top… eh he hem
1. shave all chest hairs
2.don’t gain weight when i get pregnant and say its my fault
3. don’t tell me when your going to take a shit cuz i dont care.
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Suga&Spice {August 7th, 2008 at 12:47 am}
3. don’t tell me when your going to take a shit cuz i dont care.
Or better yet, dont talk to me while I am trying to take one. I had an ex who used to come in the bathroom and try to talk to me while I was relaxing on the throne. It used to drive me crazy because I just cant go with someone else in the bathroom.
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Mikki {August 7th, 2008 at 1:02 am}
LMAO!! me either
can you imagine, just sitting there holding a turd while they yapping… and then it drops and all hell breaks loose. well nobody told ur dumb ass to stand there while i was taking a shit…..
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The Comeback Girl {August 7th, 2008 at 7:41 am}
“1. shave all chest hairs”
Mik, this is a little “how you doin”!!! maybe he shouldn’t be overly hairy to begin with or at least wear a damn tee-shirt to cover said hair while out and about.
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AroundHarlem.com {August 7th, 2008 at 11:44 am}
I HATE chest hair. So I’ve actually had this same “weird” thought.
However, my version would go like this.
He’s hairy and VERY manly. But he will shave the hair because he loves me so much and honors my request.
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Jamila {August 7th, 2008 at 1:52 pm}
right…. if he has a hairy chest what is he going to do with the hairy back he probably has?
I am not a fan of hairy men. all that extra moisture and tickle really kinda grosses me out.
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shay-d-lady {August 7th, 2008 at 3:32 pm}
I concur…..I never dated men with back hair or hair on the back of their hands…..I have a teen wolf phobia and I always imagined that happening with extra hair guys.
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Deviant {August 7th, 2008 at 8:44 am}
1. thats insane.
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The Comeback Girl {August 7th, 2008 at 8:48 am}
do straight men shave their chest hair. I did date this guy once who had it waxed on occassion, but I questioned he orientation all the time.
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The Champ {August 7th, 2008 at 9:09 am}
“do straight men shave their chest hair. I did date this guy once who had it waxed on occassion, but I questioned he orientation all the time.”
unless theyre swimmers, i dont think so. i like my hair. it makes me feel brawny
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miss t-lee {August 7th, 2008 at 9:20 am}
Did you just say brawny?!
CTFU
I’m so done…lol
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Monica {August 7th, 2008 at 10:08 am}
I’m still laughing that he said brawny.
And I agree that chest hair on a man is sexy (as long as it isn’t taco meat looking chest hair)
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GOODENess {August 7th, 2008 at 10:08 am}
“brawny” my ni99a?? “brawny”?
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The Champ {August 7th, 2008 at 12:54 pm}
yup…brawny. whats wrong with brawny? its in the dictionary and sh*t
http://www.thefreedictionary.com/brawny
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miss t-lee {August 7th, 2008 at 8:57 am}
1. shave all chest hairs
Wow really?!
I likes the hair. It’s manly.
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Deviant {August 7th, 2008 at 9:22 am}
most women do thats why I said thats insane
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Cheryl {August 7th, 2008 at 9:56 am}
I love the hair myself.
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The Comeback Girl {August 7th, 2008 at 10:06 am}
ok but what about when its coming from out over the collar bone..hair that you could possibly french braid.
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Deviant {August 7th, 2008 at 10:34 am}
you can trim that. put a guard on the clippers. shaving is just takin that too far. you might as well demand he shave is balls.
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The Comeback Girl {August 7th, 2008 at 10:43 am}
ok…just asking. I never had this type of problem. But I just needed to clarify for Mikki…you feel me???
Just wanted to make sure SHE understood the protocol…
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miss t-lee {August 7th, 2008 at 10:38 am}
That you can trim. But she said chest hairs…not back/neck hair.
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The Comeback Girl {August 7th, 2008 at 10:41 am}
OK…so its ACCEPTABLE to shave the back/neck hair???
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miss t-lee {August 7th, 2008 at 10:59 am}
If it’s looking like a forest, yes.
If it’s just regualr, I’d say leave it.
I don’t mind.
JBoogie {August 7th, 2008 at 10:20 am}
love hair on the chest…it’s so MANLY!
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Panama Jackson {August 7th, 2008 at 10:04 am}
i know a chick with chest hair. and its like she just refused to do anything about it. used to drive me batshit. i’m like i can see it, so i know you can. clip that shit.
wore v-neck t-shirts and everything.
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GOODENess {August 7th, 2008 at 10:10 am}
@Panama…I know a sister like that…she has a mustache too…and wears bright lipstick. like the contrast between brick red and black whiskers is invisible…WTF?!? be all smiley and sh*t…and dudes holler!! I stand to the side makionig sure my breath is fresh like WT(fuggin)F?!?!
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genius khan {August 7th, 2008 at 10:24 am}
“…she has a mustache too…and wears bright lipstick. like the contrast between brick red and black whiskers is invisible…WTF?!? be all smiley and sh*t…”
Goody u stupid!
Cracking——————–THe———————————————–FU*k———————————–UP!
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miss t-lee {August 7th, 2008 at 10:29 am}
OMG!!!! Brick red and black whiskers…
I’m done.
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AroundHarlem.com {August 7th, 2008 at 11:47 am}
I knew a woman who had a mustache, thick side burns and a couple of scraggly face hairs.
One day she went on vacation and came back two weeks later. Something was different about her and I couldn’t place what it was.
I’m thinking, does she look well rested? Is it a tan? I figured out that she had shaved the hair off …. LOL.
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shay-d-lady {August 7th, 2008 at 4:42 pm}
hey this is a disease.. its hirsutism..LMAO my friend has been getting hair removal treatment for years because of it….
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AkShone {August 7th, 2008 at 10:16 am}
I had a teacher like that in high school! I’m talking taco meat hair on her chest…and she always wore low cut tops. I just couldn’t understand how that was supposed to be a good look. The sheer thought of it grosses me out.
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Luvvie {August 7th, 2008 at 10:52 am}
Taco meat is bad. But on a woman?? Shit the least she could do is PERM the ish! Or wear turtlenecks. Even in summer.
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AkShone {August 7th, 2008 at 11:34 am}
…the least she could do is CUT that sh!t…along with her Teddy Riley goatee. I don’t know, maybe she was ol’ skool with it. She wasn’t and old woman…at the time maybe late 30’s. It was weird.
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GOODENess {August 7th, 2008 at 12:10 pm}
not the Teddy Riley goatee…
JAM…OH JAM!!!
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The Champ {August 7th, 2008 at 12:59 pm}
“along with her Teddy Riley goatee. I don’t know, maybe she was ol’ skool with it. She wasn’t and old woman…at the time maybe late 30’s. It was weird.”
whenever i see women with a fu manchu i always think its like the food in the teeth dynamic, where someone notices food in someones teeth, but doesnt say anything because they assume they already know. i honestly think some of these bearded broads have no idea that they look like theyre wearing walrus masks. we need to do a better job of letting them know
[Reply]
Panama Jackson {August 7th, 2008 at 4:03 pm}
you’re saying these heffas don’t own mirrors? or they have self-esteem mirrors intended to hide their flaws?
Luvvie {August 7th, 2008 at 10:51 am}
It is necessary for folks to shave their chest hair if it can be considered “taco meat”. I refuse to get cut by one of them aluminum balls u wanna call hair.
[Reply]
Alise {August 7th, 2008 at 11:15 am}
Yep, chain maille chest hair is not a good look…
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GOODENess {August 7th, 2008 at 12:16 pm}
ALISE!!! CHAIN MAILLE???!! are you trying to get me fired??? huh? huh? methinks you’re in collusion with the VSBs to relieve me of my employment so I will be free to be the PR ni99a round here! CHAIN MAILLE!!!
***dead***
[Reply]
Hey I nominated you for a Brillante Premio Weblog Award!
[Reply]
The Champ {August 7th, 2008 at 9:10 am}
thanks and shit.
[Reply]
Here’s my contract….
#1 - Be faithful to me and respect me at all times. Even at our worst moments, there should be a level of respect for each other.
#2 - Be family-oriented and love children. I have a very close big extended family and love to be around family. I could not be with a man who’s not family-oriented. They’re a big part of me and this is a must. I also love children and this important too:)
#3 - I have a very full life with family, friends, work, volunteering, etc so I need a man who understands that. I’m very loving, but I can’t be with a man that will smother me. It just will not work. I also like 1 hour a day to myself where I can just relax and not be bothered (usually right after work).
#4 - I’m not a neat freak, but I expect the man to pick up after himself. I like to keep the house clean and it drives me crazy if there are stuff on the floor and dishes filling up the sink.
#5 - Sense of humor is very important! I love to laugh and I can be really silly sometimes, so this is a must:)
[Reply]
JBoogie {August 7th, 2008 at 8:50 am}
This would be what my contract looks like!
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miss t-lee {August 7th, 2008 at 8:54 am}
This is pretty good.
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The Champ {August 7th, 2008 at 9:13 am}
nice and simple and shit.
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MsSula {August 7th, 2008 at 11:04 am}
My contract looks a lot like this one.
#6. Let’s do what we do best and f*ck them gender-roles. If my lawn-mowing skills are off the chart (which they are) and you’re an excellent cook, let’s do just that. At the end of the day, the health of the relationship is more important than some bs, preconceived sh!t.
[Reply]
Fabulously Me {August 7th, 2008 at 12:04 pm}
Oh praise God!!! I’m currently with/not with a dude who has this archaic idea that I should be cooking more. I’m like,”ni99a if you’re hungry, fix yourself something to eat”! I’m not his wife and even if I was, I’m not that good in the kitchen and I don’t plan on running home everyday to make sure he has a hot meal on the table. Now I can clean the hell out of a house. I mean, spotless. Doesn’t that count for something?!
[Reply]
The Champ {August 7th, 2008 at 1:01 pm}
“Now I can clean the hell out of a house. I mean, spotless. Doesn’t that count for something?”
cleaning counts.
so does fellatio
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genius khan {August 7th, 2008 at 2:49 pm}
Fab it’s not about sticking to a rule of “the woman cooks” it’s more about a mother or wife even if she can’t cook FEELING the responsibility to ensuring that her family/man is fed. (regardless of who actually does the cooking) if she feels and owns this responsibility she will genuinely try her best to learn etc. many chefs are men and cook better than women. what im saying here is that i would like for a woman to feel what i think is the responsibility of her “natural” role. another example: if a woman is not a good cook then i would like to see that she genuinely wants to prepare a good meal when she tries and tries her best (shout to D*Scroy) juxtapose doing it with resentment and half assed with a bad attitude.
as a man i genuinely FEEL the majority responsibility to provide food clothing and shelter for my fam/wife even if she makes as much or more than me. (regardless of if she has to contribute or carry the family financially at some point) i FEEL and accept that responsibility and i work towards that if i’m not already doin it.
if you’re in a relationship where you do the yard and he cooks nothing is wrong with that if its working for youall. everything is not strictly by the book. make each decision based on it’s own unique circumstances.
[Reply]
hot dammit. i’m still up, fresh from a b-day party on ur arse.
Champ asks:
Q: “so, occasionally intelligent and outrageously lascivious people of vsb.com, what rules (if any) would be in your [marriage]contracts?
i’m not sure Champ but i do know that current marriage contract language is archaic. the parent text was written at a time when women didn’t have “jobs” and when a man took care of most of their financial needs etc. so as it relates to divorce the shit is madd unrealistic for the 20th century and retarded for the 21st century altogether. like D. Masterson says. “Alimony is prostitution.” …and the judges who are trusted to interpret the law are certainly favoring the female species in every aspect. the precedence is set and influences future decisions and awards.
#1. don’t get married, technically speaking. (remember it’s only pre marital sex if you plan to marry.)
#2. can u say: “hollywood divorce.”
#3. sometimes i wake up out of my sleep dazed saying: “how much do i owe you? and what’s your name. well of course you owe a woman everything. didn’t you get the memo from….
#4. my attorney told me not to sign shit not so much as an autograph without his advisement 1st. so fuck u and the judgde. family court can blow me.
#5. you dont need a MARRIAGE CONTRACT to be in a monagomous relationship, build and develop a family, love and cherish etc. et fuc*ing cetera. (…and yes men you can still contractually provide for your family. …CONTRACTUALLY outside of wedLOCK.
#6. Pre-Nuptials Contracts if you have to do the matrimony letigiousness. know the laws in your state.
#7. a former boss once told me:
khan [he said] you’re a talented fellow but there is no i in team.
and i said:
sir you’re right but there is a U in, fuck U.
suffice it to say i saw the exit sign first.
i’m sleepy i’ll finish this shit tomorrow. no worries i’ll be back with the moral to this story and before you had a chance to hate me. in the meantime remember the Draconion Thought Police only rules whom they are allowed to. ALL power comes from within.
goodnight
[Reply]
sisanda {August 7th, 2008 at 7:07 am}
“remember it’s only pre marital sex if you plan to marry.” - Now here’s a feasable excuse for dating a mormon, thank you old sport.
“my attorney told me not to sign shit not so much as an autograph without his advisement 1st. so fuck u and the judgde” - that’s the truth son, go on….
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V Renee {August 7th, 2008 at 7:43 am}
There may not be an I in team, but there is a me in team
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genius khan {August 7th, 2008 at 10:31 am}
me is in team huh? good call V.
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The Champ {August 7th, 2008 at 9:15 am}
“khan [he said] you’re a talented fellow but there is no i in team.
and i said:
sir you’re right but there is a U in, fuck U.”
yeah…its time for my pepper eggs and toast
[Reply]
“sir you’re right but there is a U in, fuck U.”
hahahha…omg i am so going to use it ALL THE TIME. If it’s a true story u have to tell us the details of that exchange. love it.
Back ot the topic:
Man I think about contracts all the time…this is the perfect post. All around me I see failing marriages, dishonest/unhappy/depressed couples and I never want to end up that way. Here is a couple things I would put in a contract if I could:
1. There will be teamwork in the marriage — whether it’s cleaning, cooking, paying bills, raising children, etc. Unless some other equally ‘teamworky’ deal is agreed upon.
2. Problems will only be between him & I. I will never talk badly about him or discuss sensitive issues with family/friends/neighbours/coworkers and I expect the same from him.
3. ALL significant family decisions would be made together.
4. Since money is the TOP reason of divorce & fights — there would be some kind of agreement in stone about spending, saving, etc. etc. or something like it.
5. NEVER EVER EVER HIT. That goes both ways.
6. No smoking, alcohol or drugs. EVER.
7. Cheating is a deal breaker. No second chances. AT ALL.
8. Even if there is no love — there should always be common decency, respect, thoughtfulness, & fairness. That goes A LONG WAY.
There is a lot more but I gotta stop here or I’ll write a book. hmmm.
[Reply]
sisanda {August 7th, 2008 at 7:11 am}
“No smoking, alcohol or drugs. EVER.” - that’s why we have such a high divorce rate, cause of premises like these!
“decency, respect, thoughtfulness, & fairness” - try applying any of those during sex…please go on try it…no offence, but that won’t get you anywhere
[Reply]
genius khan {August 7th, 2008 at 12:39 pm}
sisanda im wit ya on the tuff talk coupled with ruff sex manytimes.
again i refer Zahara and others who take respect and decency to an uber level, even during sex to Patrice Oneal (he’s a favorite of Champ, P Wu and many of the men on this site)
*spoiler alert*
if you’re easily offended remove stick from ass first. look at this as a research and educational experience.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7pB-4avmAR0
enjoy!
[Reply]
The Champ {August 7th, 2008 at 1:03 pm}
i’m mad i cant find that entire hbo special somewhere. i knew i should have taped it when it came on
[Reply]
genius khan {August 7th, 2008 at 2:36 pm}
yeah Champ i wish i had a copy of the Patrice Oneal HBO special too. maybe i’ll check on the net and see if its available. it may be available at HBOs’ site. …or like HBO on demand and shits.
[Reply]
The Comeback Girl {August 7th, 2008 at 1:56 pm}
I was just about to scream GIRL power…but Patrice is not a girl.
[Reply]
Deviant {August 7th, 2008 at 8:49 am}
no smoking alcohol or drugs?
good luck with that. I feel like taking a couple of shots and a shotgun right now. You realize its human nature to do things when we are told under no circumstances not to do then..especially when times get hard
[Reply]
miss t-lee {August 7th, 2008 at 8:52 am}
6. No smoking, alcohol or drugs. EVER.
Wow. I feel ya on the drugs, but he’s gotta be able to drink with me, or we might kill each other. lol
[Reply]
Deviant {August 7th, 2008 at 9:03 am}
what about mary? what about tylenol or claritin?
[Reply]
miss t-lee {August 7th, 2008 at 9:19 am}
I’m talking bout the hard stuff.
Like black tar heroin, meth, oxy-contin, crack…and the like. You nahmean.
I take zyrtec daily–how am I talk gone talk crazy bout that…lol
[Reply]
Intellectual Hedonist {August 7th, 2008 at 11:24 am}
I take oxy contin on ocassion ( I have a fracture in one of my vertebrae and the pain can get unbearable), I also have a regular stash of Motrin (1000mg) in my medicine cabinet along with Vicoden and Percoset. All of which are narcotics.
I dont trust a man that doesn’t drink any alcohol, I mean not even a glass of wine ever?
my dad is a recovering Alcoholic, so I grew up around crazy alcohol and recovery. My first job out of college was at a residential substance abuse facility so I know the difference between a social drinker, someone that has a crutch, and an alcoholic.
I hear what you are saying about some of the illicit drugs though…
[Reply]
miss t-lee {August 7th, 2008 at 11:41 am}
IH- If you’re taking the oxy or any other prescription meds for a condition, I understand.
Now if dude is crushing up oxy pills to snort them, I have a problem. lol
[Reply]
Intellectual Hedonist {August 7th, 2008 at 11:49 am}
I totally hear you about the drugs…
My point is if its for medicinal purpose than you get a pass, but dont tell me your afternoon tree session is just for medicinal reasons cause I know you don’t have glaucoma
kamakula {August 7th, 2008 at 11:59 am}
what’s untrustworthy about a guy who doesn’t drink alcohol?
[Reply]
Intellectual Hedonist {August 7th, 2008 at 12:23 pm}
Honestly, I don’t know, its one of my personal hang ups.
It’s like maybe you can’t control yourself if you do. I guess it comes from being around people who couldn’t (control themselves). So you don’t drink, so where are you putting that addictive behavior?
I take it on a case by case basis, I do have male friends that don’t drink.
kamakula {August 7th, 2008 at 3:03 pm}
Some people make decisions about whether or not to drink without ever doing it. The entire time I was in undergrad, I decided not to drink without ever having tasted or tested alcohol.
But wouldn’t this apply to drugs? I mean, would you trust someone who hadn’t tried cocaine because they thought maybe they couldn’t control themselves if they started?
Then again, you seem to imply that everyone has some addictive behavior that if its not channeled into drinking must be in some other place.
Intellectual Hedonist {August 7th, 2008 at 4:26 pm}
Kamakula, honestly its only with alcohol. I will work on it.
You get’s kudos for not ever trying cocaine, and I might throw you a ticker tape parade.
Luvvie {August 7th, 2008 at 10:54 am}
I needs my claritin. Allergies punk me!
[Reply]
Panama Jackson {August 7th, 2008 at 10:08 am}
i’m all about drugs in a relationship.
sometimes you have to medicate to stop yourself from slappin-a-mate.
that goes both ways.
[Reply]
Deviant {August 7th, 2008 at 10:36 am}
Just Say Yes
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shay-d-lady {August 7th, 2008 at 4:44 pm}
I totally agree…LMAO….Me and Jose (as in cuervo black) became good friends after my mother in law tried to annoint me with blessed oil…..
[Reply]
JBoogie {August 7th, 2008 at 10:22 am}
ya know!
[Reply]
Alicia {August 7th, 2008 at 9:00 am}
“Even if there is no love — there should always be common decency, respect, thoughtfulness, & fairness. That goes A LONG WAY.”
In my opinion, if there is no love, then the whole contract is null and void.
[Reply]
Lindsay {August 7th, 2008 at 10:20 am}
Co-sign.
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The Champ {August 7th, 2008 at 9:18 am}
“2. Problems will only be between him & I. I will never talk badly about him or discuss sensitive issues with family/friends/neighbours/coworkers and I expect the same from him.”
good tenet and shit
[Reply]
SheReigns {August 7th, 2008 at 10:28 am}
2. Problems will only be between him & I. I will never talk badly about him or discuss sensitive issues with family/friends/neighbours/coworkers and I expect the same from him.
We were discussing this in my bible study last night…this is HUGE. Who better to work out my issues with than the one I have the issue with? Domestic disturbances don’t leave my threshold, period.
And my Grammy gave me a piece of advice when I was young and dating… “Don’t go to bed angry.” This stems from Ecclesiates, “Don’t let the sun set on your anger.” Whatever beef my husband and I have, we fry it up and eat it before our heads hit our pillows. At the very least we agree to extinguish the fires so that we can start fresh the next day.
[Reply]
genius khan {August 7th, 2008 at 10:47 am}
Zahara says:
“If it’s a true story [khan] u have to tell us the details of that exchange. love it.” [the u in F-U story]
yes it’s true but i didn’t want to be assistant to U.S. Attorney General Janet Reno anyways ;}
no really i’ll tell the story some other time.
tune in next ___________ when khan tells the holier-than-thous where to get the fu*k off.
will he use a hunting knife or a machette.
*insert cliff hanger music*
[Reply]
MsSula {August 7th, 2008 at 11:11 am}
No alcohol, like ever? Shiiiiiiid!
And drugs, not even some Vicodine?
[Reply]
Zahara {August 7th, 2008 at 2:23 pm}
I can see where some of my contract may seem strange — the ‘no alchohol, drugs, & smoking’.
I’m Muslim — it’s part of my religion to abstain from those things.
However, even personally, I don’t care for those three. Smoking is nasty, alcohol makes you a dumbass, & drugs are just plain stupid (I’m not talking about medicine).
[Reply]
miss t-lee {August 7th, 2008 at 3:18 pm}
I’m Muslim — it’s part of my religion to abstain from those things.
I gotcha. Now I understand.
[Reply]
my contract is as follows:
1. Love me and respect me. that means all of me, my good, my bad, and ugly
2. be truthful in all situations, you never know what I am wiling to forgive if you dont try me.
3. Be a good father in every aspect of the word.
4. have some sort of spiritual belief
5. Understand that although I don’t wear my emotions on my sleeve, I still hurt and I dont always want to be the strong one
6. Always strive to become better, to never be satisfied with “average”
7. Willing to work wherever to get the bills paid. IF you get laid off from your high paying job and the economy is bad, yes I expect that person to work at mc d’s if he has to , to pay the bills. I would.
8 msut be selfless in terms of the relationship,. I mean chips are down give me your last with full knowledge that I would do the same
9 must have friends and hobbies.. I hate being smothered
10 don’t make me your savior…..
11 Fight Fair
[Reply]
The Comeback Girl {August 7th, 2008 at 8:10 am}
ok…I like the job thing. I was reading everybodys and I thought most of the ladies had omitted this.
[Reply]
Suga&Spice {August 7th, 2008 at 8:20 am}
That is a basic character trait you must have before I even consider accepting a marriage proposal.
[Reply]
Deviant {August 7th, 2008 at 8:55 am}
alot of things that are beign listed in these contracts are basic character traits that shouldn’t have to be written down or said.
[Reply]
miss t-lee {August 7th, 2008 at 9:36 am}
Yep.
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GOODENess {August 7th, 2008 at 10:17 am}
and that my dear Deviant is why I am not posting a list..dammit if you don’t know…I am not trying to teach you!
[Reply]
Raqi {August 7th, 2008 at 9:28 am}
I agree, character traits. Somethings just don’t have to be spelled out.
[Reply]
1. always lick the wrapper ..lets say this goes both ways everyday
2. keep the spontaneity
3. not afraid to take control and tell me like it is regardless.
4. understands that he has found a prize in ME, and ONLY HE can unwrap this gift.
5.be WILLING and eager to please ME as I HIM.
[Reply]
Luvvie {August 7th, 2008 at 10:55 am}
LMAO @ “always lick the wrapper”
[Reply]
I remember when I first saw this foolishness, long before my VSB’s brought it to our collective attention here. (lol…) Only “pink people” would have the audacity to put something like this together, and ACTUALLY try to get somebody to adopt it as mantra.
I mean really…if a brotha ACTUALLY put pen to paper and submitted this to an African-American woman, he not only be putting his reputation in jeopardy, but also subject to being BLACKLISTED by the same said woman, if she had an overzealous e-mail fetish.
Fool.
[Reply]
miss t-lee {August 7th, 2008 at 8:49 am}
“Only “pink people” would have the audacity to put something like this together, and ACTUALLY try to get somebody to adopt it as mantra”
I agree. This is why I don’t do the pink meat. lol
Just think of the kind of time that he put into thinking of this nonsense. If he would have put this much time into thinking of something useful, maybe he could have come up with a cure for AIDS or Lou Gehrig’s disease or something.
Idiot.
[Reply]
The Champ {August 7th, 2008 at 9:24 am}
“I mean really…if a brotha ACTUALLY put pen to paper and submitted this to an African-American woman, he not only be putting his reputation in jeopardy, but also subject to being BLACKLISTED by the same said woman, if she had an overzealous e-mail fetish.”
honestly though, even though it might not be transcribed to paper, i’m sure there are tons of people who have similar inane “contracts” in their minds, lol
[Reply]
genius khan {August 7th, 2008 at 10:57 am}
t-lee said:
“Just think of the kind of time that he put into thinking of this nonsense.” [Travis Freys' marriage contract]
Champ points out:
“honestly though, even though it might not be transcribed to paper, i’m sure there are tons of people who have similar inane “contracts” in their minds, lol”
i agree Champ as far out as Travis’ list may have been a lot of people think some of these things but are afraid to voice or actually write them. …even more would like to change the current language in the “stat quo” marital contract and many disagree with the “stat quo wedding vows” and write their own.
watch what happens in say the next 15 to 20 yrs surrounding the issue of marriage.
[Reply]
shay-d-lady {August 7th, 2008 at 3:36 pm}
you are right, we were having a discussion at work and I discovered that most of the Christian men believed that once they got married there wife did not have the right to refuse sex. They said it was somewhere in the bible. I was like what? I couldn’t believe that
[Reply]
Raqi {August 7th, 2008 at 3:56 pm}
Shay it also stated that about the husband also. Neither “is allowed” to deny the other without mutual consent and only for a small amount of time.
[Reply]
shay-d-lady {August 7th, 2008 at 4:45 pm}
sorry that is bullsh!t
[Reply]
Hmmm… after thought and consideration…
THE HUBBY CONTRACT
Hygiene
You must ALWAYS smell good. You may only buy cologne of my choice. You must shower no less than 3 times a day with good smelling soaps and body washes. You must also brush your teeth and gargle no less than 3 times a day.
Sex
You must be able to get hard at my request. You will be given 30 days to perfect this in order to meet the requirements of this contract. Sex must lasts 15 min or more for quickies and at least and a hour for making love. Anything less will be grounds for immediate dismissal. Oral must be given each time and especially at bedtime to help put me to sleep. You must provide me with sex as many times as I request it per day.
General
You must take out the trash and do all the dirty work around the house. Should you forget or miss something, you will be required to sleep outside with the dog for 3 days. Also, if you cheat or lie to me, you will be tied up, gagged and beat with an extention cord while you are wet and naked (stings more). On the 3rd offense, I will pour hot grits on you as you sign the divorce papers.
Word is Bond.
(I’m totally bullshytting with the above stuff…lmao)
[Reply]
The Comeback Girl {August 7th, 2008 at 8:08 am}
“You must shower no less than 3 times a day with good smelling soaps and body washes”
Ms. Freckles
How can you do this more than two times a day when you have a da%n job, which is not quite on any of our lists LOL.
[Reply]
Ms. Freckles {August 7th, 2008 at 8:16 am}
@Comeback - LMAO! Girl, I manage to do before work, right after I get home from work and before I go to bed. Sometimes may be more if it’s hot outside and I’ve been “glowing” (aka sweating like a dayum hog). LOL
[Reply]
The Comeback Girl {August 7th, 2008 at 8:22 am}
ok just checking hygiene is important and I understand the in the morning and the before bed
but yall must have some nice 9-5’s or 8-4s or 7-3s(bank jobs) to be showering 3 or more times a day.
[Reply]
miss t-lee {August 7th, 2008 at 8:44 am}
“Also, if you cheat or lie to me, you will be tied up, gagged and beat with an extention cord while you are wet and naked (stings more). On the 3rd offense, I will pour hot grits on you as you sign the divorce papers.”
I don’t think you’re BS’ing this one…this one sounds all types of serious.
[Reply]
The Comeback Girl {August 7th, 2008 at 8:46 am}
“I will pour hot grits on you as you sign the divorce papers.”
oh…naw Ms. Freckles aint playin…she will do an Al Green on dat azz fo sho.
[Reply]
miss t-lee {August 7th, 2008 at 9:17 am}
I peeped that hot grits reference.
[Reply]
Ms. Freckles {August 7th, 2008 at 9:40 am}
LMAO! I am too playing… I wouldn’t pour hot grits because I’d have to clean them up afterwards. Now boiling water may work better! *wink* The slow pour! (j/k)
[Reply]
miss t-lee {August 7th, 2008 at 9:43 am}
Nah you won’t have to clean, cause grits stick. So there would be no clean up involved. Now water on the other hand…that’s a clean up job.
[Reply]
Ms. Freckles {August 7th, 2008 at 10:09 am}
Water will eventually dry.
[Reply]
genius khan {August 7th, 2008 at 11:01 am}
t-lee says: “grits stick.”
we are talking about a human being right?
how do you know hot grits stick to…?
Lawd Lawd…
[Reply]
miss t-lee {August 7th, 2008 at 11:47 am}
I can’t answer this.
People be reading these blog things ya know…lol
Intellectual Hedonist {August 7th, 2008 at 11:29 am}
I had to explain the hot grits reference to some people the other day. I laughed (internally) the whole time, like how do you not know.
LOL!!!
[Reply]
miss t-lee {August 7th, 2008 at 11:48 am}
You be suprised how many people don’t know about the hot grits…lol
[Reply]
The Champ {August 7th, 2008 at 1:07 pm}
you’d be surprised how many people have never even had grits, lol.
[Reply]
miss t-lee {August 7th, 2008 at 1:26 pm}
I’m sure you’re right.
Intellectual Hedonist {August 7th, 2008 at 2:20 pm}
they don’t have grits in the Burgh either? I am joking
The Champ {August 7th, 2008 at 9:26 am}
“Sex must lasts 15 min or more for quickies”
thats a long ass quickie
[Reply]
Ms. Freckles {August 7th, 2008 at 9:39 am}
15 min isn’t long if you count the woman getting hers!
[Reply]
The Champ {August 7th, 2008 at 9:53 am}
“15 min isn’t long if you count the woman getting hers!”
this depends on the chick. i’ve, ummm, “known” a couple who could get 2 in under 7 minutes.
[Reply]
Suga&Spice {August 7th, 2008 at 9:53 am}
I have to agree with The Champ, 15 mins is a long ass quickie. I mean, if he is on his game that day and we are both focused I can get there in about 4-7 mins. I’m just saying sometimes you have to keep your eye on the prize.
[Reply]
JBoogie {August 7th, 2008 at 10:24 am}
basically…15 ain’t really quickie territory to me.
[Reply]
Panama Jackson {August 7th, 2008 at 10:12 am}
“You must be able to get hard at my request. You will be given 30 days to perfect this in order to meet the requirements of this contract.”
somebody needs to marry a porn-star. and even some of them have difficulty getting hard on command.
[Reply]
My contract is pretty simple:
If you want to be treated as a queen, treat me like a king.
That is all.
[Reply]
AkShone {August 7th, 2008 at 9:54 am}
…Co-signerism
[Reply]
GOODENess {August 7th, 2008 at 10:21 am}
…and Monk has won the first “head worthy comment of the day” award…so simple it’s hard…
[Reply]
Luvvie {August 7th, 2008 at 10:59 am}
*St. Scholastica Academy*
[Reply]
I made a little poem with some end rhyme in iambic pentameter…so its easy for him to remember.
Your shlong must be long, I am (hardly) ever wrong AND when you learn the words to my CHILVARY song,…I will sometimes where my thongs.
[Reply]
Ms. Freckles {August 7th, 2008 at 8:17 am}
@Comeback - ROTFLMAO. I like that one. May have to copy that and print it out for the BF to have for reference! lol
[Reply]
The Comeback Girl {August 7th, 2008 at 8:24 am}
yes ma’am. When it rhyme’s they can remember better.
[Reply]
ForReal {August 7th, 2008 at 10:59 am}
LOL!!! Love it Comeback Girl.
[Reply]
genius khan {August 7th, 2008 at 11:11 am}
Comeback’s got a lil poem fellas to help us remember our places:
Your shlong must be long, I am (hardly) ever wrong AND when you learn the words to my CHILVARY song,…I will sometimes where my thongs.
you can keep your psalm cause u gets no schlong.
i wont be meeting you at the altar or in the parish
and wit ur sense of entitlement
you can keep ur raggley, ashy ass hand in marriage.
sing along with me now!
no iambic pentameter….
heh, heh, heh, (inhales) whooooOO!
[Reply]
The Comeback Girl {August 7th, 2008 at 11:43 am}
Your sonnet sucks so sadly…(alliteration)
please put your pepper on pause.
[Reply]
KindredSmile {August 7th, 2008 at 11:40 am}
OMG I just cackled at my desk. Iambic pentameter?! YES!
[Reply]
1) must be clean, I’m not a fan of picking up after anybody. and yes its safe to assume that if you stink* when you come to bed, I will NOT be touching you….
*stink includes that 15 minutes you spent in 90 degree heat as you walked from your car to your job and back. This is espcially relevant if you’ve been on public transportation.
[Reply]
The Champ {August 7th, 2008 at 9:28 am}
“*stink includes that 15 minutes you spent in 90 degree heat as you walked from your car to your job and back. This is espcially relevant if you’ve been on public transportation.”
so no, “we both just got home from work and we’re both horny as hell” quickies?
[Reply]
GOODENess {August 7th, 2008 at 10:25 am}
CHAMP…focus! she said if you come to bed…afterwork snacks aren’t in bed…they are in the livingroom bent over the couch!!
[Reply]
Intellectual Hedonist {August 7th, 2008 at 11:31 am}
@ Goodeness…. “bent over the couch”.
woooohhooooo….I love ya girl!
[Reply]
The Champ {August 7th, 2008 at 1:11 pm}
“CHAMP…focus! she said if you come to bed…afterwork snacks aren’t in bed…they are in the livingroom bent over the couch!!”
you’re right. my reading comprehension skills aren’t great until ive had my morning tea and waffle
[Reply]
JBoogie {August 7th, 2008 at 10:26 am}
these are actually fun…unless you’re gonna get it started in the shower, actually stopping to take a shower ruins the mood, if you will.
[Reply]
“oh, and btw…what ever happened to mr. frey?
he was eventually charged with first-degree kidnapping and domestic abuse assault causing injury (as well as child pornography) and convicted of third-degree sex abuse and domestic assault. he’s currently serving 11 years”
This sounds about right. The whole time I was reading this “contract” I was thinking, this man doesn’t want a wife, he wants a concubine. This was after I said, oh this MF’er right here done lost his dayum mind!!!
Multiple throat punches for this dude.
I ran down my particulars in an earlier post…a couple of weeks ago, I would try to find it, but I’m lazy like that.
[Reply]
Eff a contract. Contracts are made to be torn up…look at Favre..he had a contract and now he is in NY. Chris Henry had a contract and he got cut jus cause he broke a few laws repeatedly.
[Reply]
Okay first of all she had to know that dude was deranged before it even got to the point of a marriage contract. You ain’t gonna tell that he was the loving accommodating companion while they dated and then turned to el sicko after the proposal.
Now on to other news, I am a traditionalist when it comes to marriage. I expect and uphold traditional gender roles in my marriage. I willingly bestow the honor of head of house onto the man provided he has an active plan for our lives.
My husband is somewhat demanding when he wants me to find something for him or call someone for him. But other than that he is a great man. He is a good husband. He is an excellent, excellent provider. And he is as moody as they come. Lawd that man irritates me some time.
My rules are fairly simple:
1. Don’t talk down to me and won’t talk down to you
2. Don’t try to enslave me and won’t deball you
3. Don’t take me for granted (Which he teeters on sometimes. He claims he don’t realize he is doing so, but I beg to differ)
4. Don’t blatantly lie to me and I won’t…well…forget it that part. LOL
5. Don’t stick anything in my behind and I won’t be forced to stick anything up yours
Stuff like hygiene and good manners go unspoken. I wouldn’t be with him if didn’t already practice those.
[Reply]
miss t-lee {August 7th, 2008 at 9:16 am}
2. Don’t try to enslave me and won’t deball you
5. Don’t stick anything in my behind and I won’t be forced to stick anything up yours
::applause::
[Reply]
The Champ {August 7th, 2008 at 9:29 am}
5. Don’t stick anything in my behind and I won’t be forced to stick anything up yours
lol at “forced to”
[Reply]
Raqi {August 7th, 2008 at 9:53 am}
LOL That is something he and I agreed on eaaarrrly in the ‘lationship.
I dare him to try it. He will wake up one morning with a Pringles can rammed so far up his behind…
[Reply]
Ms. Freckles {August 7th, 2008 at 9:56 am}
LMAO!!! Not pringles! She did not say pringles!
[Reply]
miss t-lee {August 7th, 2008 at 9:57 am}
not the pringles can!!! whooo.
[Reply]
Intellectual Hedonist {August 7th, 2008 at 11:32 am}
cause you cant just have one right?
LMAO
[Reply]
The Champ {August 7th, 2008 at 1:13 pm}
pringles can? damn…you couldn’t at least do a straw? a can is kind of extreme
[Reply]
genius khan {August 7th, 2008 at 11:23 am}
Raq:
“I am a traditionalist when it comes to marriage. I expect and uphold traditional gender roles in my marriage. I willingly bestow the honor of head of house onto the man provided he has an active plan for our lives.”
i e-lubbbs u. ladies this woman embraces playing her position and hopefully her man is playing his.
5. “Don’t stick anything in my behind and I won’t be forced to stick anything up yours.”
Raq u probably already know but we will try that shit on the slick and real quick. we just be poking. yalls eyes get all big when you wince. ha!
oops wrong hole. my bad. …and u bett not try to slip shit my way dammit.
LOL!
[Reply]
1) Must think I’m the shyt.
2) Must think we’re the shyt.
3) Must be the shyt.
Just kidding, sorta. I can’t put it all on here cus someone I know reads y’all and it’s only a matter of time before he realizes he knows me. Damn you bastards for being popular!
[Reply]
Raqi {August 7th, 2008 at 9:08 am}
Hostess I actually agree with you. My husband is required to deem me as being all of that and a cup of mocca magic. And treat me as such. And also must believe that together we are all of that times 2.
He is all of that to me.
[Reply]
GOODENess {August 7th, 2008 at 10:29 am}
@Hostess….just put your really “good” sh*t on here under another name (with no hyperlink)…that way you can contribute with the the “whaddafuggyoolookinat” freedom that is anonymous!
[Reply]
Hostess {August 7th, 2008 at 2:45 pm}
Yo! He quoted me something I’d written on HERE!!! It’s just a matter of time.
[Reply]
GOODENess {August 7th, 2008 at 3:29 pm}
oh so he quoting you and sh*t….e-stalk much? lol…yeah you are going to have you change your name up for your TMI posts…and still post as Hostess too, you know to throw him off your trail…LOL…that’s good stuff…I thunk about cross-contamination when I had the URL as my text signature, but eff it…like Biggie said.. “if you don’t know, now you know, ni99a!”
[Reply]
genius khan {August 7th, 2008 at 11:26 am}
Hosty great mantra.
1) Must think I’m the shyt.
2) Must think we’re the shyt.
3) Must be the shyt.
me thinkest thou art the shit however it is more important that you being the shit doesn’t rely on what others think. [...and i'm sure it doesn't]
[Reply]
I read this post last night…though I couldn’t see the contract completely until this morning (too small on the crackberry). But ol dude…just pure-d psycho from the word jump. His intended had to know she was dealing with a future serial-killer.
Anywhoo, I don’t really have a contract written out yet as (a) i’m doing the single thing. But if I did, it’d need to be basic and flexible…as typically, contracts are just MADE to be breached, thereby putting us in danger of having to dissolve the partnership. And there’s no need to dissolve the partnership on some bs, i.e., he (or I) broke rule 8, section 5, line 4.
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If I were to get married one day, this would be all that I needed.
Cleaning….the entire house will be cleaned from top to bottom and we will work in the yard as a family on the 2nd Saturday of each month. Tell your boys you will see them later on. You want clean draws, I want a clean house….chop chop…
Sex…at all times, in all places. Have a job with an enclosed office and a door that locks. I like Funch, so should you.
Kids…want some. Love them.
Me & You…you respect what we have and you will be respected. Remember our vows and you will not come up missing.
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The Champ {August 7th, 2008 at 9:32 am}
“Have a job with an enclosed office and a door that locks. I like Funch, so should you.”
does a cubicle in a sparsely populated giant corner office work?
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Intellectual Hedonist {August 7th, 2008 at 11:35 am}
what about a copy room separated by a room divider?
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Abcde A-Lexus {August 7th, 2008 at 4:05 pm}
‘does a cubicle in a sparsely populated giant corner office work?’ or ‘what about a copy room separated by a room divider?’
- YES!! You know I am the Recess Sex chick, so PDF (Public Displays of f*ckery) are ALL right with me.
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JBoogie {August 7th, 2008 at 10:27 am}
Funch…haven’t heard that term in YEARS lol…good stuff it is…
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AroundHarlem.com {August 7th, 2008 at 12:59 pm}
Funch ???
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The Champ {August 7th, 2008 at 1:14 pm}
lunch + f*cking
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My Contract for My Husband
1. You are only allowed to play Madden for 2 hours every saturday afternoon after we run errands
2. You are only allowed to talk about cars, video games, weight lifting, and the like when in the presence of your friends.
3. Your friends/frat are not allowed to come over whenever they choose and eat up all our food
4. You can have one room in the house that you can choose to do anything with. That is where you will put all your greek paraphrenalia, old Michael Jordan posters and your Playstation 3
5. Your mother can visit once quarterly
6. The max amount of money that we can give to your eff up of a brother a year is $800.
7. You will be allowed to go out and stunt with your homeboys twice quarterly.
8. You can have any hobby that you want as long as it can be done in the backyard of the garage
9. You must be ready and willing to slang the D on call and without as inhibitions or reservations
10. The morning After our nightly trysts, you will not ask me about my freakyness the night before.
Oh yeah and the love, honor and protect stuff goes unsaid.
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The Comeback Girl {August 7th, 2008 at 9:20 am}
I like this:
“4. You can have one room in the house that you can choose to do anything with….”
preferably below ground..basement or sub-basement.
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The Champ {August 7th, 2008 at 9:31 am}
“5. Your mother can visit once quarterly”
damn…no love for mom dukes, lol
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Deviant {August 7th, 2008 at 9:43 am}
where is the clause that says when his balls will be removed?
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Intellectual Hedonist {August 7th, 2008 at 11:36 am}
I was thinking the same thing
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V Renee {August 7th, 2008 at 9:47 am}
10. The morning After our nightly trysts, you will not ask me about my freakyness the night before.
“Whatcha talking about Willis?”
LMAO
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