link of the week: the booty-call contract
one of my favorite writers, bill simmons (aka “the sports guy”) from espn.com took a stab at a “booty-call contract” a few years ago in one of his mailbags. today, because of an intense clamoring for such a document from the legions of excessively horny men and women who frequent this site, i’ve decided to post it as an entry. enjoy.
1. You can’t call it a “booty call.” No self-respecting guy would ever use a phrase like that. Back in the day, I always used the phrase “stop-by” because it was intentionally ambiguous. Guys like ambiguous. It makes us feel comfortable. “Booty call” sounds like something Arsenio Hall would say to Magic Johnson in the late-’80s, followed by them both collapsing on an oversized sofa in hysterics.
2. No weddings or functions of any kind. For one thing, you can’t meet anyone else if you already have a date, and weddings are an absolute hookup gold mine in your 20s (so why remove that option for yourself?). Also, you’re opening yourself up to people coming over to you and saying, “So, what’s going on with (fill in Date’s name)?”, and then you have to pooh-pooh the whole thing and people will mistakenly think that either he’s gay or you’re a harlot. This is much worse than anyone thinking you’re single (and possibly available).
3. No unannounced stop-bys. You have to call first. I wouldn’t put a time limit on phone calls — the hotline should be open 24 hours a day.
4. I would leave in the provision of one or both parties saying, “I’ll call you tomorrow,” because it’s tradition, as well as a nice litmus test — if they say they’ll call you tomorrow, and they actually do, they might be developing real feelings and/or have accidentally stumbled across “When Harry Met Sally” on HBO 7 later that night and gotten the wrong idea. I like the safety of “I’ll call you tomorrow.” It’s right up there with a woman saying, “I’ve never done anything like this before.” It’s just good to get it out of the way.
5. If you’re doing the F.W.B. thing with a guy who’s actually bitching because you won’t let him sleep over, you need to re-evaluate things. What guy wouldn’t rather wake up in his own bed?
6. You should probably negotiate which actions aren’t allowable before you enter into the contract. As your attorney, I would allow ALL actions and negotiate a provision that explicitly says “both parties will exhibit good hygiene at all times.”
so, good people of vsb.com, what are your thoughts? thorough? perfect? incomplete? what would you add, and what would you leave out?
—the champ
232 comments
Hmm, you didn’t mention any provisions for termination of the contract. Also, it does not provide exceptions (which I will describe below). I amend the contract to include the following clauses:
7. Participation in this venture is on an “at will” basis, that is either party is free to quit, strike, or otherwise cease supplying any no-strings-attached benefits for any reason and at any time.
8. Termination of this arrangement by either party cannot occur if the other party is unable to or refuses to provide services due to the following statutory exceptions:
a. Refusing to commit illegal acts.
b. Family or medical emergencies.
9. Finally, by agreeing to this contract, each party idemnifys the other against any damages arising from the performance of sexual activities, transit to and from a residence, and consumption of any food provided by the other.
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The Champ {May 29th, 2008 at 9:59 am}
lol…damn. are you in law school?
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GOODENess {May 29th, 2008 at 2:51 pm}
either that or she has a FuBu that’s a lawyer!
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kamakula {May 29th, 2008 at 4:53 pm}
she? for the purposes of vsb, I am male.
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kamakula {May 29th, 2008 at 4:53 pm}
Nah, I’m a jack of all trades though. . .
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10. Protection…a very critical factor in the “stop by”…who provides, and frequency of use is imperative.
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miss t-lee {May 29th, 2008 at 8:44 am}
I always have some handy. Don’t wanna be caught slippin’.
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kamakula {May 29th, 2008 at 10:12 am}
How is either of that imperative? I see no hint of a command in there. . .
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Deviant {May 29th, 2008 at 2:25 pm}
nice catch
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I would add the following:
The “L” word should NEVER be used at any time because it either provokes “catching feelings” or an uneasy discomfort amongst one or both parties.
In addition, there’s also a need to put a limit on the frequency of “hook ups”. Once or twice a week may be sufficient but any more than that constitutes a “relationship” and is no longer JUST a booty call.
The “stop-by” should also be a night-time thing. Day-time hooks ups can easily be misconstrued as being more than what it is.
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miss t-lee {May 29th, 2008 at 8:43 am}
If you’re hooking up more than once a week…you’ve got yourself a relationship.
If you’re smashing that often, feelings are bound to get caught.
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The Champ {May 29th, 2008 at 10:00 am}
“If you’re hooking up more than once a week…you’ve got yourself a relationship.
If you’re smashing that often, feelings are bound to get caught.”
i agree. anything more than once a week is playing with fire
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The Champ {May 29th, 2008 at 10:03 am}
“The “L” word should NEVER be used at any time because it either provokes “catching feelings” or an uneasy discomfort amongst one or both parties.”
unless, of course, it’s referring to a certain body part (ie “i love your *insert sex related colloquialism*)
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This is unknown territory for me. Never had one of these. Reason being, if it’s good sex wouldn’t you want to continue that ‘good thing’?
I guess if I were to have a stop-by it would have to be someone who lives at least 50 miles away from me. I know a lot of folks who made the unfortunate error of making their jump-off partner someone who lives in the same neighborhood/same bldg/same city. Then you have to keep bumping into that person all the time…no thanks! In my opinion, that’s just asking for drama.
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Nikki {May 29th, 2008 at 9:02 am}
One of my boys has his jump-off in the same bldg, but they made an agreement that she’s only his weekend jump-off and she’s not allowed to talk to him during the week or in public. It can work, but I wouldn’t do it.
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miss t-lee {May 29th, 2008 at 9:09 am}
I would never have any of my “friendly friends” that close to me. You HAVE to have a buffer zone. At least have them on the other side of town or something!
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Teacia {May 29th, 2008 at 11:21 am}
You’d be suprised at the convenience of having a jump off in close proximity…man, talk about good times.
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AkShone {May 29th, 2008 at 11:44 am}
I agree…back in college I UNknowingly moved above her in some apartments off campus (it had been months since we had talked). Let just say from then through graduation I KNOWingly moved above her about once a week…good times, indeed.
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The Champ {May 29th, 2008 at 10:04 am}
“she’s only his weekend jump-off and she’s not allowed to talk to him during the week or in public”
ice cold, lol
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Miss Patterson {May 29th, 2008 at 10:25 am}
dayemmmmmmmm. “she’s not ALLOWED to talk to him” Sounds like he’s exercising a little too much power in my opinion. Anytime your f-buddy starts to sound like Ike Turner, you need to move on…
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miss t-lee {May 29th, 2008 at 10:38 am}
::snicker::
Ike Turner…yeah he’s taking it a bit far. He’s lucky she’s still down to smash.
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Nikki {May 29th, 2008 at 10:38 am}
I don’t know why she agreed to it, she’s young though. He’s cold though. He’s also been in a relationship with this one girl for 2 years and has no plans to be with her for the long run. He said that he knows who he wants to marry and when the time’s right, he’ll dump his current g/f for her. Me and the girls tried to talk some sense into him, but he doesn’t listen.
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The Champ {May 29th, 2008 at 11:02 am}
“He’s also been in a relationship with this one girl for 2 years and has no plans to be with her for the long run. He said that he knows who he wants to marry and when the time’s right, he’ll dump his current g/f for her”
so ole boy has a girl, a jump-off, and a bcsc (best-case scenario chick) all at the same time?
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Teacia {May 29th, 2008 at 11:22 am}
“so ole boy has a girl, a jump-off, and a bcsc (best-case scenario chick) all at the same time?”
now that’s some pimp shit…
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BigBuck {May 29th, 2008 at 11:43 am}
Sounds like this chick must be a mud duck. She is the ugly girl that has the good skills, and he doesn’t want his friends knowing he is doing anything with it. She accepts this cold treatment because she knows she is a mud duck and has very little choice in the matter. She can either be the mistreated jump-off and at least get some, or demand better treatment and be lonely until that one guy, who for whatever reason does not see the duck feathers, comes along and wifes her up. In reality though, mud duck wifing (can I say wifing?) is usually accidental.
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Miss Patterson {May 29th, 2008 at 11:53 am}
poor mud duck. that has to be the worst label i’ve ever heard for a girl. poor, poor mud duck.
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miss t-lee {May 29th, 2008 at 12:07 pm}
I figured she must be ugly (mud duck) or her self esteem was in the toilet.
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tiffany {May 29th, 2008 at 3:05 pm}
or she could be too busy to deal with anything more than a reliable uh, “service provider.”
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The Champ {May 29th, 2008 at 12:11 pm}
yeah…definitely a symptom of mudduckitis
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I agree with Miss Patterson. It feels kind of young at 33, why am I doing “booty calls”, “stop bys” or “sleep overs” as a grown ass woman. The best sex is in a great relationship, “booty calls” feel like a downgrade particularly if your in a holding pattern and you electronic boyfriend works just as well, no headaches, no making breakfast in the morning…you get my drift.
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miss t-lee {May 29th, 2008 at 8:41 am}
I love electronic boyfriend as well, but it’s no match for some azz-smacking, tongue action, and manhandling.
It can only take me so far.
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Sister Toldja {May 29th, 2008 at 10:33 am}
Amen.
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Suga&Spice {May 29th, 2008 at 9:38 am}
‘The best sex is in a great relationship,’
Not entirely true. Sometime the absolute best sex comes from someone who isnt necessarily someone with relationship potential.
‘making breakfast in the morning’
Who the hell makes breakfast for the On Call Piece (OCP)? If I am hungry I will leave you some eggs in the pan or take the lunch meat and letttuce out for you but I am not cooking you breakfast. The only exception to this rule is if we have been in our contract for almost a year and manage to have a way above average session that morning that inspires me to crack some eggs and breakout the turkey bacon. But this is not, i repeat not a regular event.
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The Comeback Girl {May 29th, 2008 at 10:07 am}
Well maybe I should qualify. THE BEST SEX FOR ME…is in a great relationship. This gets old sooner or later great dyck or not. Sorry.
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miss t-lee {May 29th, 2008 at 10:26 am}
OCP…I love it.
No breakfast is being made, I feel you.
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The Champ {May 29th, 2008 at 11:05 am}
“No breakfast is being made, I feel you.”
so, if breakfast is made its definite proof that you did the, ummm, damn thang?
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miss t-lee {May 29th, 2008 at 11:20 am}
“so, if breakfast is made its definite proof that you did the, ummm, damn thang?”
I think so. I guess you’ve had breakfast made for you…LOL
For me, it’s more of a thing that you would do for a boyfriend or husband. He’s neither, so no breakfast.
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Suga&Spice {May 29th, 2008 at 11:37 am}
If you are my OCP and I get up and fix you some breakfast that is my way of saying two thumbs up!!!! And if it is a lazy Saturday, you might mess around and get a turkey sandwich for lunch.
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The Comeback Girl {May 29th, 2008 at 11:44 am}
When I was doing gentle man bootay calling. I wasn’t gonna make no random call or get random dyck that wasn’t MIND BLOWING. And if you rock my world you do get some pancakes..with a strawberry and powdered sugar on top… That was a given.
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The Champ {May 29th, 2008 at 12:15 pm}
“And if you rock my world you do get some pancakes”
i think i’d pay for one of the women of vsb to rock a vsb sponsered baby tee with that quote on the front
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The Champ {May 29th, 2008 at 10:07 am}
‘The best sex is in a great relationship,’
i actually agree. not even considering the whole “emotional connection” thing, theres a certain level of freedom you have while in a relationship that you probably dont have with a jump-off.
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BigBuck {May 29th, 2008 at 11:48 am}
“theres a certain level of freedom you have while in a relationship that you probably dont have with a jump-off.”
Uh-oh Champ, sounds like you are heading back into the bare back conversation. Because guys who bungee jump with their jump-offs should be held responsible for high gas prices and shot!
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Miss Patterson {May 29th, 2008 at 11:54 am}
LMAO!!!!
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The Champ {May 29th, 2008 at 12:16 pm}
“Because guys who bungee jump with their jump-offs should be held responsible for high gas prices and shot!”
this made me choke on my shrimp and bacon club
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Sister Toldja {May 29th, 2008 at 1:37 pm}
You are gonna have high cholesterol.
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Elenda {May 29th, 2008 at 2:32 pm}
Man, I was waiting for someone else to say it. I am so glad I am not the only one thinking that booty calls should only be for people ages 16-24. DAYUM, anybody past 25 who is still doing regular botty calls must be a freak or a RDL (random dick lover).
Who the hell once to fuck random niggas once a week minimum and NOT spend any “real” time after the nut? BOOOOOOOOO! I out grew booty calls (drop-bys) a LONG time ago.
Just keeping it grown and sexy for ya!
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Teacia {May 29th, 2008 at 2:53 pm}
You feeling that drive to Chatanooga anytime soon…uh huh, that’s what I thought.
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Elenda {May 29th, 2008 at 5:31 pm}
Nah, I don’t do those on the “regular” anymore! YOU, of all people should know that!
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Sister Toldja {May 29th, 2008 at 3:45 pm}
So what if you are 27 and single? No sex until you find a mate? That’s wack. Statisitcally, that means most Black women will be going without. Can you imagine how bad that would be for the nation’s morale? All them angry ass Black women? Shiiiit.
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Genius Khan {May 29th, 2008 at 4:06 pm}
yeah that shit is a lil unrealistic for most people to box themselves in like that.
(booty-calls only betwinxt 16-24) its a self limiting belief. not bashing your preferences Elenda but errrh ahhh… keep living.
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Elenda {May 29th, 2008 at 5:33 pm}
Ya’ll are getting my comment twisted. You can fuck before marriage… shit, I ain’t married and I fuck often. I am just saying, have sex with the person you are dating and wanting to be in a relationship with. Not a booty call. DAYUM.
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Genius Khan {May 29th, 2008 at 4:13 pm}
“Who the hell once to fuck random niggas…”
they are not random like every week its somebody new. actually my layback/s and i are in a situationship. i may know somebody in this way for quite a long time. we just don’t date each other. there are times when one of us is dating and we are not booty-calling each other but we still know each other. maybe when we are not dating again we hook back up on the booty call tip. just no dating. not saying you do but any desire a person has that is not expressed will eventually express itself and usually in a more unhealthy way. let that shit out.
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tiffany {May 29th, 2008 at 4:59 pm}
a “situationship” … that just made me giggle.
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Well I have to say that unlike Comeback and Ms. P, I am not immune to a good ole fashioned booty call. Who needs rules though, booty calls are just that, a call for some of that bootay!!
Some guys are great in bad and bad in relationships and vice versa. Save the date worthy for outings and the sex worthy for innings…lol.
Man whatever happened to the infamous phone call or in today’s age text message clearly saying, “what u doing, u wanna come through.” Clear cut and to the point. I’m in the bed so I’ll leave the door unlocked, just lock it behind you when you get here.
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The Champ {May 29th, 2008 at 10:10 am}
“I’m in the bed so I’ll leave the door unlocked, just lock it behind you when you get here”
there should be a disclaimer with this statement: “not to be attempted in any neighborhood where the median household income is below the poverty line”
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Miss Patterson {May 29th, 2008 at 10:29 am}
LOL!!! Poverty line disclaimer…oooh you wrong, but uh you’ve got a point there. Actually a very valid one.
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Teacia {May 29th, 2008 at 11:26 am}
Lol, true…never been my problem though but the disclaimer is very necessary.
Then again ain’t nobody in the hood gonna try to break into someone else’s shit in the hood…what exactly are they looking for, an EBT card?!?!…lol.
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Nikki {May 29th, 2008 at 10:39 am}
Ha! Good point…
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Cheryl {May 29th, 2008 at 10:18 am}
“I’m in the bed so I’ll leave the door unlocked, just lock it behind you when you get here.”
that line right there brought back some lovely memories. wooweee. got me affected early this morning!
*fans self*
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Teacia {May 29th, 2008 at 11:26 am}
yes mam, my mind was wandering off as i was typing..lol.
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genius khan {May 29th, 2008 at 1:20 pm}
who the fuck needs a contract. break the unwritten, spoken or unspoken rules you get the punishment, banishment or subsequent judgement. im not gonna write you an (LOC) letter of counciling or (LOR) letter of reprimand. …and whats this; well u cant go to a specific event and heres why shit. you dont date the jumpoff. …and whats wrong with a booty-call or calling it that. A:Nothing. it is what it is. when start calling it what its not with a jumpoff that when you confuse and miscommunicate/understand the context. you what this leads to/ A: (HRI’s) ho related incidents (i.e. stalkings, unwanted feelings, bitchassness etc. …no self respecting man would muddy the water in a jump off context by being flamingly ambiguous flatulence. i’ll call that dude Flamgiguous Flatulence III. WTF. fuck outta here. …and personally i dont mind the sleep over i am most inspired after waking up to find my smashbox 360 ready for another game. im breaking all the high scores. when the smashing is done tough leave respectfully. …and calling before you cum is just common courtesy. i have a key to my dads house but i call first. common courtesy. booty call, booty call, booty call, laybacks, CBC’s, cum thru’s, stop by’s whatever. not gonna tell me what i SHOULD call it. fuck outta here. he can’t be serious. right?
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Teacia {May 29th, 2008 at 2:00 pm}
ummmmmm….what the hell are you rambling on about?!?!?..lol.
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Genius Khan {May 29th, 2008 at 2:31 pm}
you right. iwas rambling my ass off but this sportswriter bill guy wit his contract and rules and shit thats really who i was rambling about. dam i was mispelling words and off on tangents. dam i was a wee bit livid with all his solacious bullshit. anyways, how are you today?
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Teacia {May 29th, 2008 at 2:37 pm}
ummm, negro that shyt was not on my post…lol. but i am well thank you!
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Miss Patterson {May 29th, 2008 at 2:09 pm}
i think someone woke up on the wrong side of the smashbox 360…lol
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Genius Khan {May 29th, 2008 at 2:33 pm}
caught, dead to rights. you right you right. probably should have had my smashbox 360 there last night. thats whats really good. u broke any high scores lately or was that you who was saying you have never committed a booty-call?
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Miss Patterson {May 29th, 2008 at 3:07 pm}
yeh, that was me and i never have and never will.
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I haven’t done the “stop-by” thing since my college days. How do you establish that all its going to be is sex? Does it happen when you realize that the relationship isn’t going to happen or when a one-night stand is so good that you have to have more?
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Sister Toldja {May 29th, 2008 at 8:54 am}
When you dig someone phyisically, but don’t want to date them. When dating them just wouldn’t work at that stage in your lives.
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GOODENess {May 29th, 2008 at 10:00 am}
in my case…that’s when they are too hood to take in public! this one dude I was “dealing with” was GRRRRRRRREAT quarterback (in the sack, ya dig?~Jay Z) but he was such a thug, the cashier at Wal-Mart couldn’t smile at me without him getting all rowdy…but man…the boy had a PLATINUM mouthpiece…he didn’t have anything going for himself except ONE thing…and at that point in my life (which was not so long ago) that was all he needed to be good at! I mean I saw unicorns and elves frolicking in the meadow…and the clouds all had silver linings…I was like…”is that you lawd?”…then he hit me with the “L” word…and I was out like an “S” curl at a Pepsi commercial!
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Suga&Spice {May 29th, 2008 at 10:13 am}
Honey I feel you!!! Mine had 3 kids and his living arragangements were not that stable but as soon as he touched me I would damn near stop breathing. LOLOL..It was like dude has his own theme song. When I saw him walking toward me (lawd have mercry) that damn Ciara song would be playing in my head. ‘I cant leave him alone, tried the good boys but the dope boys turning me on’ And he wasnt even a dope boy, but the song just fit lololol
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Cheryl {May 29th, 2008 at 10:22 am}
*sigh*
Mine - I didn’t even want him to acknowledge me in public. It would fluck up the whole mental fanstasy thing going on.
It ended kinda odd and in a totally unexpected manner.
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Krush {May 29th, 2008 at 10:50 am}
*unicorns and elves frolicking in the meadow* - If that isn’t the qoute of the day, I don’t know what is. LOL
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The Champ {May 29th, 2008 at 11:07 am}
“*unicorns and elves frolicking in the meadow* - If that isn’t the qoute of the day, I don’t know what is. LOL”
i think ol goodeness needs to lay off the ex and tical cocktails
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Treezy F. Baby {May 29th, 2008 at 6:46 pm}
I am just happy I am not the only one…we should have a Thug Lovers Anonymous meeting and trade war stories.
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Tiffany In Houston {May 29th, 2008 at 12:07 pm}
‘is that you Lawd…’
On that note, I’m going to lunch..I can’t take this!! LOLOLOLOL!!!
Girl, that had to be some magnificent dyck!
[Reply]
GOODENess {May 29th, 2008 at 2:36 pm}
the dyck was definitely in the top 3 all time all stars…but that MOWF! girl…that MOWF shut that shit DOWN! it’s a shame he wasn’t bout absolutely NUFFIN!
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miss t-lee {May 29th, 2008 at 9:08 am}
You have a talk beforehand about how things are going to go. You establish that it’s just booty, and that’s all.
You can only enter into this type of relationship only if you are a person who doesn’t get emotionally attached easy.
I always tell my girls that either you can be in this type of relationship, or you can’t. You also need to know which type of peson you are before you enter into this type of situation. If you don’t it ONLY leads to problems.
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Krush {May 29th, 2008 at 10:52 am}
I agree that you need to have a certain mentality to handle the jumpoff situation. I can admit that I catch feelings so it would have to be a one-time thing. Sista will have me paying her daycare and care note if she hitting me off good on the regular.
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The Champ {May 29th, 2008 at 11:09 am}
“I can admit that I catch feelings so it would have to be a one-time thing. Sista will have me paying her daycare and care note if she hitting me off good on the regular”
so if you hit someone off twice, it’s automatically mastercard time?
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Miss Patterson {May 29th, 2008 at 11:16 am}
It’s not so much about ‘mastercard time’ as much as it is increasing your probability of actually liking that person..
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Krush {May 29th, 2008 at 11:17 am}
Nah, I’m not pullin out the plastic after just two sessions. There is no magic number but it depends on how good the potato salad is.
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Miss Patterson {May 29th, 2008 at 11:29 am}
exactly!
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The Champ {May 29th, 2008 at 11:35 am}
“Nah, I’m not pullin out the plastic after just two sessions. There is no magic number but it depends on how good the potato salad is.”
i love euphemistic phrases
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miss t-lee {May 29th, 2008 at 11:52 am}
It’s like that Krush??!?
You’re reminding me of my ol’ #2 guy. Who always used to catch an attitude that he wasn’t the #1 guy. LOL
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The Champ {May 29th, 2008 at 12:18 pm}
“You’re reminding me of my ol’ #2 guy. Who always used to catch an attitude that he wasn’t the #1 guy. LOL”
how did 3 and 4 feel about this? or did their feelings not count?
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miss t-lee {May 29th, 2008 at 1:56 pm}
#3 was cool. He had his ducks in a row. He also understood it for what it was.
He also didn’t have any feelings.
A little background on #2–
We orginally met, and tried to date. Lost track of each other for a couple of years. By coincidence I ran into him again at my job(he had just got hired). We exchanged numbers and kicked it a few times. I started realizing he wasn’t really relationship material, yet he was a nice guy and I was madd attracted to him, so we decided to go the “friendly friend” route. He was cool with it for a bit until I met another guy, and I started kicking it with him less and less. Then one late night (around 1am)I got that “catching feelings” phone call. He continued to give me attitude after that.
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Krush {May 29th, 2008 at 12:48 pm}
I start. I don’t come off the bench!
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miss t-lee {May 29th, 2008 at 1:56 pm}
I gotcha. Ain’t nothin’ wrong with that.
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BigBuck {May 29th, 2008 at 12:00 pm}
“I can admit that I catch feelings so it would have to be a one-time thing. Sista will have me paying her daycare and care note if she hitting me off good on the regular.”
My brother please listen carefully…..Stay away from all jump-off situations!! If you truly feel like you will start caking someone just because they have amazing “split-mo blippy” that you are getting on the regular, then it’s strictly relationships for you buddy! Because once the jump off figures this fact out, she will not hesitate to take advantage. Next thing you know, you are getting financially vampired by 2 or 3 women who really don’t give a crap about you, because let’s not forget that you are just a jump-off to them too.
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The Champ {May 29th, 2008 at 12:20 pm}
““split-mo blippy””
i guess the fact that i can learn a new word here each day is a testament to the linguistic strength of the regulars here
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miss t-lee {May 29th, 2008 at 12:30 pm}
“split-mo blippy”
Can I use this? I love it.
I’ma make a shirt with this phrase.
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Krush {May 29th, 2008 at 12:47 pm}
Trust me. I am strictly a relationship guy. I know my weaknesses.
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Genius Khan {May 29th, 2008 at 2:03 pm}
thats right dude. know who you are 1st. thats the most important thing in relationships. we should all do more inward studying but we are so focused on things in the external world not acknowledging that the inner creates the outer. there is not a place we go that the heart and mind haven’t already been. all of the body is in the mind but not all of the mind is in the body. above all know thyself. holla.
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Miss Patterson {May 29th, 2008 at 1:25 pm}
“split-mo blippy” …that’s great…i’m writing this down.
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BigBuck {May 29th, 2008 at 1:54 pm}
I have dozens of country ass names for stuff, pay attention! LOL!
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genius khan {May 29th, 2008 at 1:28 pm}
thats right you gotta be emotionally unavailable and like i said the other day; you have to manage the times and places carefully. in my opinion no more than once every 10-14 days. manage the rotation. if its real good and u find yourself wanting it more here’s what you do; concern urself with other people and things (i.e. get a life) exercise some restraint. what are you an addict? well don’t be. you have a choice in that as well. if not prepare for a ho related incident (HRI)
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Pop up privileges is what I call them. In these days of cell phones and text messages there is no reason for you to just drop by unannounced. You will stand out on my porch as I look at you through the peephole. REAL TALK.
Call me crazy…but if you “fall through” as I call it, you spend the night, no ifs, ands, or buts. That’s only because I’m greedy and I want seconds in the morning. It goes the same way when I “fall through” at your place.
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GOODENess {May 29th, 2008 at 10:04 am}
hell nah…no sleepovers…you get a 15-30 minute cool down, and then you’re OUTTA THERE! and really that doesn’t apply to me…because (back when I was pimping and had a jump off or two) they didn’t get to CUM to la casa! you don’t need to know where my son and I lay our heads…if you don’t have your own spot (red flag if you’re a grown ass man), then I will not be blowing up your spot…your “flute” or anything else…cause I WILL NOT be ass up bent over your twin bed, thinking about how my son would LOVE your Spiderman sheets! KILL Yo’SELF!
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The Champ {May 29th, 2008 at 10:13 am}
“hell nah…no sleepovers…you get a 15-30 minute cool down, and then you’re OUTTA THERE!”
this made me choke on my milkshake and grits
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GOODENess {May 29th, 2008 at 10:24 am}
baby love…we’re going to have to work on that gag reflex for real…you have a problem…always choking and ish..lol
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Sister Toldja {May 29th, 2008 at 10:34 am}
Didn’t the fact that you were eating a milkshake and grits make you choke anyway? Ew.
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The Champ {May 29th, 2008 at 11:10 am}
i try to diversify my pre-lunch meals. it breaks the monotony of the day
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miss t-lee {May 29th, 2008 at 10:28 am}
Spiderman sheets!!! CTFU.
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Genius Khan {May 29th, 2008 at 1:46 pm}
thats right i cant understand how one can have a booty-call, cum receptacle, fall thru, cum thru, what the f ever and they have never called and cum thru on the late night, like after the club and then breakfast bout 3am. taht means they are staying until at least after daybreak right. come on people stop playing. yall play too much. they can’t be serious right?
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miss t-lee {May 29th, 2008 at 2:00 pm}
I know if fall through, I’m not leaving a warm bed to go cross town at 3 am. It just ain’t happening.
They know that before I come over. It’s an established rule.
How would I look if I got in a car wreck and all I had on was a trenchcoat,stilleto heels, and a thong?!
I don’t need my Dad identifying my body like that. LMAO
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GOODENess {May 29th, 2008 at 4:02 pm}
I feel you on this…but I do not sleep over with jump-offs…well past tense now, because I am retired from pimpin…but I am very conscious of the sleepover rule…IF (a GYNORMOUS “IF”) you make it to MY place, you are more than a KNOOKIE KNOCK and you are therefor allowed to slumber after the party…and get some breakfast cooked…but like I said…you are MORE than a jump-ON if you ever get to see where I rest my head!
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I think the ’stop-by’ relationship can be just as tricky as a boyfriend-girlfriend one, because we are still dealing with two genders, two personalities and often times, two VERY different sets of expectations.
The most important thing is honesty and communication. It may be awkward to say “You are a great person and I enjoy chilling with you on the couch for an hour or so before we get it cracking, but I really wouldn’t want to date you seriously because you listen to G-Unit and wear sneakers every day at 30 years old. I can’t see myself dating a man like you. You think white zinfandel is appropriate in public. However, I really enjoy having sex with you and I would like to continue doing that until I meet a suitable boyfriend. What say you?” But you gotta figure out a way to communicate what you want and don’t want from this person.
Men are especially guility of dangling a faux relationship carrot in front of a jump-off’s nose. They don’t want to hurt her feelings, but most importantly, they don’t want to lose the good sex. So they will continue fucking a girl who they know wants more, and not being honest with her though she thinks that ‘more’ is possible. Meanwhile, the girl (like a dummy) will keep thinking if she puts it down extra hard and often, he will eventually see her as a whole person and recognize what a great girlfriend she would be. I blame both parties in these situations, but moreso the man if he knows he is using a woman for sex who wants to be his girl.
That no-kissing thing is absurd. If you can’t kiss me, then we don’t have any buisness doing anything else. I can’t enjoy sex without kissing. Any man who takes that ‘kissing is too intimate’ approach is probably a wack-ass lover anyway. I am glad I’ve never landed one of those duds in bed. Ugh.
Comeback and Ms. P- I think the best sex is in a relationship too, but I also love doing it too much to wait for a special man to come along to do it again! Everyone should be able to have sex, not just committed folks. Being single is hard enough, dammit.
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The Comeback Girl {May 29th, 2008 at 9:05 am}
I personally think EVERYTHING comes with a price. A price I think I was willing to pay at 21. But at 33 the stakes are much higher. I believe in all the communication and honesty in the world but too me sex is all or nothing. I’ve recently been tempted as all hell and I have an active imgination with STRONG triple A batteries. LOL
Men get caught up too. Lets be real. And all the honesty and communication sometimes can’t remedy what a “sexual relationship” (and sex is still a consumation of a “relationhip”) has started.
I further believe that there are some men whose jump off days are long over too…those men can smell the girl who likes a random dyck every now and again..and guess what she isn’t usually girlfriend/wife material.
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Sister Toldja {May 29th, 2008 at 9:41 am}
“those men can smell the girl who likes a random dyck every now and again..and guess what she isn’t usually girlfriend/wife material.”
And are you telling me that these men NEVER partake in random jump-offs? I don’t believe it. And there is nothing I hate more than a man who thinks that what is good for the gander isn’t good for the goose. I don’t make it a habit of bringing boys home from the bar, but every now and again I DO have sex with someone who I don’t plan on having a serious relationship with. Any man who is not mature enough to see that these occasional flings do NOT lessen my girlfriend-materuak status can put on his Addidas and step off….I gots to have it!
I’m not criticizing you for your choice, and I am still in my 20s. My attitude will likely change in a few years (well, maybe not…). But I don’t like the attitude that a lot of people have that says that people who have jump-offs cant be good mates.
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Sister Toldja {May 29th, 2008 at 9:42 am}
matuerauk=material
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Sister Toldja {May 29th, 2008 at 10:01 am}
I am gonna build off this topic for my blog today!
Read- I am too tired to write a post and since I wrote a damn essay on yr site, I will cut and paste.
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The Champ {May 29th, 2008 at 10:14 am}
“I am gonna build off this topic for my blog today!”
lol…it’s not like i didn’t do the exact same thing
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The Comeback Girl {May 29th, 2008 at 10:04 am}
I honestly believe that there are men with my similiar experience ie, been there, done that, no longer fun, cost too high!!!
I know they exist. I’m not talking double standard. Im talking man of standard. They exist too.
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Sister Toldja {May 29th, 2008 at 10:36 am}
Every one is a man or woman of standard, they are just different standards. A man who doesn’t have casual sex is no better, in my eyes, than one who has it MATURELY. It is the jokers who can’t handle their sex buisness who are a plague upon us all.
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The Comeback Girl {May 29th, 2008 at 10:42 am}
I don’t mean to imply that people who have random sex don’t have standards. I probably would fight ME right now 10 years ago for even typing this. I think true love..the love I am attracting into my life…isn’t about the booty call. I mean there has never been a random 15-20 minutes that gave me the satisfaction that somebody I really digged and loved. I have a good memory and again the price is too high. I believe some past bootays can’t easily be removed from your spirit. It really is a personal thing.
But there’s always my 40s, maybe I’ll think differently 10 years from now. Maybe not. But I know what MY BODY requires NOW. And it isn’t random dyck. But I applaud the people who can compartmentalize love, sex, desire… do you. Its all good.
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The Champ {May 29th, 2008 at 11:21 am}
“Any man who is not mature enough to see that these occasional flings do NOT lessen my girlfriend-material status can put on his Adidas and step off….I gots to have it!”
this is good in theory, but i dont think you can be naive to the fact that double standards in regards to sex do exist…and it’s not neccesarily a bad thing. (another entry topic, btw)
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The Comeback Girl {May 29th, 2008 at 11:25 am}
I disagree. To me its all about timing. Sure i think MOST people have had flings. And if you haven’t I perscribe it today. Some contrast helps you know what you want and dont want.
But if we having random flings at the same time with different people…well maybe it could work…but if the fling thing is on “stop” not pause (MUTUALLY) well we can talk.
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Sister Toldja {May 29th, 2008 at 11:57 am}
I’m on the same page as you. It’s TIMING. If I have a fling popping off and meet a man I want to build with, I will put my fling on “stop”. As would any good man. The problem is, if a man asks a woman if she has a jump-off at the start of her courtship, and her dumb-ass is honest and tells him…his patriarchy-tampered mind may start going and he might feel like she is “not relationship material”. Even if he was fucking Suzy and Sally and six other chicks at the same time.
Ladies- these men aren’t ready for primetime. Stop telling all ya bidness. All he NEEDS to know is 1) are you single for real and 2)have you been responsible.
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Sister Toldja {May 29th, 2008 at 11:52 am}
Double standards DO exist. I visited that in brief on my blog today. But they are not a good thing. They are an excuse for men to get away with murder.
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The Comeback Girl {May 29th, 2008 at 11:56 am}
Yes they do…but I usually am able to peep that in the beginning and RUN not walk the other way…and sometimes random sex clouds that receptor. A woman thinks very CLEARLY pre-bootay. A man thinks CLEARLY post bootay.
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The Champ {May 29th, 2008 at 12:22 pm}
“But they are not a good thing. They are an excuse for men to get away with murder.”
sexual double standards benefit both men and women. it just depends on what you’re talking about
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Miss Patterson {May 29th, 2008 at 1:34 pm}
“sexual double standards benefit both men and women. it just depends on what you’re talking about”—- Champ, please elaborate.
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The Champ {May 29th, 2008 at 3:19 pm}
““sexual double standards benefit both men and women. it just depends on what you’re talking about”—- Champ, please elaborate.”
in due time. in due time
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The Comeback Girl {May 29th, 2008 at 3:49 pm}
I don’t rekon he knows…..right now…:)
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Genius Khan {May 29th, 2008 at 1:41 pm}
“those men can smell the girl who likes a random dyck every now and again..and guess what she isn’t usually girlfriend/wife material.”
these men are called Freak Masters
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The Champ {May 29th, 2008 at 10:14 am}
“The most important thing is honesty and communication.”
right. this and the back-breaking
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GOODENess {May 29th, 2008 at 10:30 am}
really BACK BREAKING trumps all that shit!!! that is the DEFINITION of a jump off man…Google it…it’s in Webster’s and shit…
JUMP-OFF - (n) -a person that can make you spell their name at night via sexual prowess (see back breaking, ill deep throat/stroke, TEXAS-style rodeo game, etc) but couldn’t get the time of day at FOSSIL headquarters in broad daylight!
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The Champ {May 29th, 2008 at 11:11 am}
“JUMP-OFF - (n) -a person that can make you spell their name at night via sexual prowess (see back breaking, ill deep throat/stroke, TEXAS-style rodeo game, etc) but couldn’t get the time of day at FOSSIL headquarters in broad daylight!”
this is definitely going in our glossary
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GOODENess {May 29th, 2008 at 11:53 am}
(blushing) I am so geeked that I made the glossary!! YIPPEE!!!
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Miss Patterson {May 29th, 2008 at 10:41 am}
“Everyone should be able to have sex, not just committed folks. Being single is hard enough, dammit.” —On some level I agree with you Sister T, but I feel like I can only remain truly unattached if there’s no penetration…which translates as ‘no further than 3rd base’. (Folks I’m trying to keep this PG-13, lol) Unfortunately, most men probably wouldn’t want the fun to stop there.
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Miss Patterson {May 29th, 2008 at 10:58 am}
“So they will continue f-cking a girl who they know wants more, and not being honest with her though she thinks that ‘more’ is possible.”
Now I have been hoodwinked before, and this sort of thing always morphs into some kind of pseudo-relationship. i.e.) we hang out, we have mutual friends, we attend the same parties, celebrate bdays, meet parents (lol). But I never considered this a jump-off gone wrong, as much I would consider it a LACK OF COMMUNICATION & complete DISHONESTY. This is probably distance and frequency (or lack thereof) is important if all you want from the other person is sex.
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The Champ {May 29th, 2008 at 11:14 am}
“LACK OF COMMUNICATION & complete DISHONESTY.”
was it both? asking because lack of communication can be interpreted as dishonestly…when its just a lack of communication
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Miss Patterson {May 29th, 2008 at 11:27 am}
yeh, it was both. But I see what you mean they do overlap, point taken. He didn’t communicate his reservations about starting a relationship and when he did express his intentions they turned out to be a lie. Note: I also failed at communicating my disappointment with the relationship and let my feelings dangle in the air far too long. You have to be honest with yourself at all times.
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Genius Khan {May 29th, 2008 at 3:31 pm}
with a jump-off; dam what agreement you have or what is said, you gotta manage the time. not just how many times you have sex in a given time period but all communication.
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Genius Khan {May 29th, 2008 at 1:34 pm}
ummhh. loves to kiss. have had sex without kissing but not because i would not or had not with the jump-off. i keeps it real with whomever. its good form and saves me from having HRI’s (ho related incidents) in my stats. don’t worry women can be victims of HRI’s as well, its some bitch ass nickels out there too.
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at least not to the man I’m looking for.
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I would add the following:
- there should be no expectations, it is what is and nothing more. We may see each other in the future or not, but no fake promises.
- no kissing, hand holding, or other romantic gestures (it’s strictly sex)
- there’s no talking of emotions whatsoever. I had this one dude last summer who talked so much that I just got turned off.
- no questions about family, friends, or other personal matters. The less talking, the better
- Protection always
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GOODENess {May 29th, 2008 at 10:07 am}
(blowing referee whistle) sex without kissing, touching, holding etc…is pretty much mutual masterbation…and therefore could be done alone!
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The Comeback Girl {May 29th, 2008 at 10:08 am}
thank you. Goodness
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GOODENess {May 29th, 2008 at 10:22 am}
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miss t-lee {May 29th, 2008 at 11:23 am}
LOL!!!!! True.
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Miss Patterson {May 29th, 2008 at 10:46 am}
really? people have sex without kissing??? I’ve heard of this, but it sounds like something straight out of ‘Pretty Woman’, lol. See, i like kissing so…again, no jump-offs for Miss P.
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miss t-lee {May 29th, 2008 at 11:01 am}
Again…call me crazy, but I kiss my “friendly friends”. If you can’t kiss, chances are we aren’t smashing…at all.
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Sister Toldja {May 29th, 2008 at 12:20 pm}
Word! Seriously, what kinda weirdo has sex without kissing? I would imagine that this same person eats hot dogs or hamburgers on a dry bun with no ketchup and mustard.
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miss t-lee {May 29th, 2008 at 12:32 pm}
I would imagine that this same person eats hot dogs or hamburgers on a dry bun with no ketchup and mustard.
To the corner!!!! I just CTFU here in my cube!!!
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Miss Patterson {May 29th, 2008 at 1:36 pm}
dry bun!!!LOL…you guys are gonna get me fired i swear.
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Genius Khan {May 29th, 2008 at 1:37 pm}
i met a no condiments dude at a cookout this past memorial day wekend. wanted to try a piece of my mushroom burger but i had condiments on it. WTF…
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The Champ {May 29th, 2008 at 3:20 pm}
a burnt hot dog on a dry bun can work, as long as you eat it in under 70 seconds
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Genius Khan {May 29th, 2008 at 3:33 pm}
when ur drunk or hungry anything might do but im talkin druthers.
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Shine {May 29th, 2008 at 3:51 pm}
never done the hot dog thing but I definitely had a jumpoff with no kissing. And the thing is he had a decent hot dog and nice looking lips. I realized I had never kissed him (touching all sorts of other stuff yes) because it was intimate and I think I had to keep reminding him not to catch feelings. But then when I did kiss him it was all fucked up b.c. he was good with the dick but a TERRIBLE kisser. And when you’re in the middle of good sex you can’t just up and tell a nickel to stop kissing you. Well you can but dayum. No kissing but sling the dick still. Eitherway, GDBK had to be put on hold b.c. he couldn’t balance no feelings but keep the respect intact thing. ST got it right about the price of sexual freedom.
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Shine {May 29th, 2008 at 4:09 pm}
Sorry about the quasi retard linguistics. I need to double check my work. What I was trying to say is that he couldn’t balance the idea of no feelings sex and remain respectful of me at the same time. He was floating to one side or the other. But so is the price of sexual freedom unfortunately.
Also it’s difficult to maneuver a good way to say ‘Don’t kiss me but we can still get busy’ and actually get it.
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Other good points
>If you feel yourself developing emotions you must terminate the situation ASAP. That includes deleting the OCP’s phone number and all text messages.
>Under no circumstances are you to leave any belongings at each other’s house.
>There shall be no meeting of the friends. AT ALL under any circumstances. Should you both be out and run into each other introductions can be limited to ‘Fellas/Ladies, this is a friend of mine.’ and then step away from the crowd for a little dirty talk and to set up arrangements for later on that evening.
>OCP’s never have real names. There are never to be called Angel or James or anyother government given name, they are at all times to be refered by his/her reference Dexter St. Jacques, Jr, The Triplet, Ole Boy from Utopia, Bug Eyes, The Cop, The Dentist or anyother desciptive noun.
>Keep post sex cuddling to a minimum.
>Unless one party has recently been hospitalized, no calls just to see how the other is doing.
>Text Sex is an acceptable form of pre-foreplay. It does not however take the place of foreplay.
>All arrangements can be temporarily suspened when one party decides to enter into a relationship. If said relationship fails, the arrangement can be reinacted via a phone call or slutty text message.
>There is no lying in OCP relationships. NONE! You dont owe each other anything at all so there is no need to lies and deception. This should be the one relationship you should be able to be completely honest. (This is taking into consideration that you all shouldnt be discussing too many intimate details.)
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The Champ {May 29th, 2008 at 10:22 am}
“OCP’s never have real names. There are never to be called Angel or James or anyother government given name, they are at all times to be refered by his/her reference Dexter St. Jacques, Jr, The Triplet, Ole Boy from Utopia, Bug Eyes, The Cop, The Dentist or anyother desciptive noun”
i’d be choking if i had any grits left
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GOODENess {May 29th, 2008 at 11:58 am}
NO REAL NAMES…I agree…and it’s a nickname I give them, not the one that they gave themselves…like PRETTY RICKY or CHULO…hell nah…you are DOO RAG and TACO BELL…I have even gone as far as to save a pic of the PIECE in photo caller ID for them… and the ringtone was “It’s Hard Out Here For A Pimp” for ALL of them! but I digress…it was a former life…I am not a pimp anymore…scouts honor!
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Tiffany In Houston {May 29th, 2008 at 12:12 pm}
*STANDING OVATION*
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BigBuck {May 29th, 2008 at 2:13 pm}
I totally agree with the real names thing! What’s even funnier is that if I say her real name around my boys by accident, they look at me like I just spoke backwards. So then I have to immediately say something like “man you know School Teacher, Texas, Big Un’s, 21st Amendment, Tomorrow, 8th floor, Myspace #2, Thick shawty with the glasses, or whatever her known alias happens to be. As soon as I say that they are like “Oh yeah, why didn’t you say that from the beginning?”. And my roommate thinks everyone’s name is sweetheart or baby, that way he never calls them another jump-off’s name when they come to see me. I think men are actually better at this code system than women.
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GOODENess {May 29th, 2008 at 2:48 pm}
men are NOT better at that then women…lol…this is like FLAVA OF LOVE vs I LOVE NEW YORK…you could look at the ashy gremlin formerly known as FLAV’s girls and wonder WHY they’re names are what he named them (with the exception of Thing 1 & Thing 2, of course)…whereas one glance at the Mink Weave Wonder’s baby batter beaters and you KNOW why she named them what she did…so simply based on that sad excuse for Black entertainment that I just couldn’t look away from for the sheer absurdity of it all example…we win…if either of those examples is really “winning”…I am SO embarassed that I admitted to paying enough to that televised train wreck to use it as example…but it directly pertained to nick-naming…so eff-it…I typed all that shit…SOMEBODY is gonna have to read it! lol
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“>Under no circumstances are you to leave any belongings at each other’s house.
>There shall be no meeting of the friends. AT ALL under any circumstances. Should you both be out and run into each other introductions can be limited to ‘Fellas/Ladies, this is a friend of mine.’ and then step away from the crowd for a little dirty talk and to set up arrangements for later on that evening.”
these are both very important.
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I would like to go on record as saying that a PIECE often messes with PEACE! It may be cool for a while (a month tops!) but then someone catches feelings…never fails…so although I was once an advocate of “I’m not trying to get into a relationship right now” sex…having had a stalker (or two) and having caught feelings myself (when the moon was blue) I say…this shit is already complicated enough…the “rules” just make it worse! BUT in the spirit of the “what if” game…here are my additions…
-PROTECTION - I honestly thought that was understood…what (single/unmarried) person has sex w/o condoms anymore? really? I am NOT trying to get gyne-sypha-herp-AIDS-amydia!!! and we only use MY brand…that I will supply…I had a dude try to “sneak” me once, talking about we would make pretty babies! nigga what?!
-NO LYING - again I thought this was understood, I lie to you because I care about your feelings…lol…jump offs, PIECEs and FuBus enter into an alleged feeling-less dynamic from day 1!! get your mind right!
-NO GIFTS - no birthday gifts, christmas cards, or Valentine’s anything!!…you may, however, send a general holiday FWD via text (or MySpace since we probably met on there anyway), but that’s it!
-IF you see me in public and I am with another man…I am invisible to you! you don’t see me! just send me a text to meet you in the bathroom in 15 minutes or something playa like that…and if you do speak, don’t make a Jerry Springer scene! it will be your last!
that’s all I got for now…as always..Be GOOD or BE GOOD AT IT!
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The Champ {May 29th, 2008 at 10:24 am}
“-IF you see me in public and I am with another man…I am invisible to you! you don’t see me! just send me a text to meet you in the bathroom in 15 minutes or something playa like that”
so it’s okay to jump-off with the jump-off while theyre on a date with someone else?
hmmmmmm
*taking mental notes*
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GOODENess {May 29th, 2008 at 10:32 am}
only if they are the president of your local jump off chapter…lol…nah real talk…I am not saying I would do it (although I might) I’m just saying be MAN-ish about your shit…don’t bitch up because you see me in public with another brotha when I would even go with you to check the mail!!
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miss t-lee {May 29th, 2008 at 10:32 am}
-PROTECTION - and we only use MY brand…that I will supply…I had a dude try to “sneak” me once, talking about we would make pretty babies! nigga what?!
This is why I also have my own supply…at all times. ::gives you dap::
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BigBuck {May 29th, 2008 at 2:18 pm}
On the flip side of that, I won’t use any condoms that are not from my own supply because I have had the same trick tried on me by a woman. For the record “We would have pretty babies” is NOT a sexy comment or a turn on of any sort! And who said I want to mix my good genes with your’s? I saw your father and I can’t risk the possibility of my baby having a head like that! LOL!
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GOODENess {May 29th, 2008 at 2:50 pm}
I see your supply and raise you a compromise…the box needs to be unopened and inspected before the session begins…I mean, you can cop a 3-pack on the way to the “spot”, we’re probably use the whole pack anyway…(shrugging) so that might work!
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BigBuck {May 29th, 2008 at 5:11 pm}
Ok but let’s make it 6 instead of 3. You always want to have extra in case you break one or you want to get round 4 on, or the ever frustrating, go so long that the condom starts to lose elasticity and make things very difficult scenario.
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Suga&Spice {May 29th, 2008 at 10:52 am}
Just and FYI sometimes they last a lot longer than a month without any feelings getting caught.
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GOODENess {May 29th, 2008 at 12:02 pm}
yeah…for US…but what about THEM?? I swear the gubmint is on some nigger-o estrogen poisoning type ish! had a dude that was like “G…I want you to be my lady”…(he wouldn’t call me GOODENess, said it was too “sweet” always had to make it all “cool” and shit…)
but I am willing acknowledge that FuBus can last longer than 30days as feeling-less existence…but how much longer? (things that make you go hmmmmmm?)
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Suga&Spice {May 29th, 2008 at 12:13 pm}
Yeah this is true. I had one ask me in the midst of action, ‘to give him a son’ another began to refer to me as his lady whenever we were on the phone and another began to ask lil questions like ’so you wore that out tonight, huh? Yeah you need to be easy about these lil outfits of yours’
Each had to be but off soon there after.
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I don’t do booty calls, so all this list and such is foreign knowledge to me.
At the same time, I just got a text from someone that said, “did you booty call me last night?” LOL.
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heh heh heh…
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Wouldn’t it be better to just say “shut up and lay there”?
‘Cause it seems to me there’s an air of “I’m not trying to like you like that” smelling up the place.
Why don’t we just just equate the “jump-off” to be 4/5 of a person (You know, just so they won’t think that the sexual agreement in akin to any type of slavery or anything). Since they can’t talk to us out in public at all…
For real?!
Why would any self-respecting (maybe this is the problem right here) person, allow themselves to be instructed on how they may or may not interact with the person with whom they are sharing bodily fluids?
If we’re fucking and you don’t want it to get serious that’s one thing but all these damn rules and guidelines are ridiculous and childish… Yes, childish because two ADULTS should be able to interact as such.
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GOODENess {May 29th, 2008 at 4:06 pm}
right…and you outgrow the dynamic once your “light” comes on…but I thought this was a “I used to…” and ish that happens in “hypthetical-land”…
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Precious Rubenstein {May 31st, 2008 at 1:05 pm}
Deviant….chile….I thought it was just me. I’m scrolling through these comments thinking “people ACTUALLY get down like this? This ish is absurd!”
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The reality is…us married men don’t get sex nearly as frequently as y’all single folk. Often we have to get creative to procure the booty. I’ve constructed a Married Man’s Booty Call How-To Guide. This is not quite a contract but more like a guideline.
1.Nasty text messages or emails should be sent to lay booty call foundation. For guys: the content should be something like this: (*NOTE: This is the G Rated version*)
“It’s going down when I get home tonight. Dress Code: heels, perfume and one of them lacy thangs. Rest up because it’s going to be a long night. Oh and I don’t want to hear any back talk either.”
2. To guarantee a successful marital booty-call, ideally the husband will either cook, clean the house or both. Studies have shown that the probability of a married woman being interested in sex is greater when the husband has cleaned the house and/or cooked a good meal!
3. A man should put on his good drawers (wife beater optional) to aid in the seduction of his woman. *Also, man should discretely pump out a few push-ups to accentuate his musculature. (Note: I don’t actually know if women notice the difference, but it is best not to leave anything up to chance)*
4. Post-sex cuddling is a must, even if it is only for a moment. This may be a “booty call” but to avoid the inevitable beef that comes with the feeling of a hit ‘n run…cuddle with your woman.
5.If you successfully put your “partner to bed”…it is acceptable for you to immediately excuse yourself to watch Ultimate Fighting Championship. NOTE: If said partner falls into a post-sex slumber, number four is no longer applicable.
Good Luck and God Speed!
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miss t-lee {May 29th, 2008 at 2:03 pm}
So this is how it goes down in a married househould?
Thanks for the insight.
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Miss Patterson {May 29th, 2008 at 2:05 pm}
I LOVE IT!!!
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Teacia {May 29th, 2008 at 2:10 pm}
Ewww, that’s all marriage booty call stuff…not the same. I hope and pray to the lawd almighty that my husband never has to purchase that guide…and if my libido continues on this path he’s a lucky man.
Cause Im gonna
Bathe you, play with you, rub you, caress you
Tell how much Ive missed you
I just wanna
Touch you, tease you, lick you, please you
Love you, hold you make love to you
And Im gonna
Kiss you, suck you, taste you, ride you
Feel you deep inside me ooh
I just wanna
Kiss you, suck you, taste you, ride you
Feel you, make you come too
LMAO…let me get back to work.
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Genius Khan {May 29th, 2008 at 2:21 pm}
play coochie get fucked. i see you like to play. keep it up.
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Teacia {May 29th, 2008 at 2:39 pm}
lol…ur a horny lil horn dog today…lol, it’s the lyrics from one of Janet’s new joints…lol, damn Genius!!
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D*Stroy aka D*Pain {May 29th, 2008 at 2:50 pm}
Try spending 50% of your every waking moments with the same person for years. Compound that with the pressure of mortgage(s), work, school, car note(s), life insurance, health-care, in-laws and the day-to-day cooking/cleaning responsibilities (not to mention children). Then tell me if you are still CONSISTENTLY talkin’ about:
“…Im gonna
Kiss you, suck you, taste you, ride you
Feel you deep inside me ooh”
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Teacia {May 29th, 2008 at 2:55 pm}
Uhhhhhh yezir!
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Miss Patterson {May 29th, 2008 at 3:09 pm}
“not.” (lol)
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Genius Khan {May 29th, 2008 at 2:19 pm}
thats right. good sex begins before the actual penetration or cunnilingus, felatio, physical touching etc. i used get my girls draws so wett at work texting her messages she used to beg me to stop. i told her to stop reading, knowing full well she wouldnt. she said it made it difficult for her to even tee tee being that creamy. hmmmm i love to fuck the mind. all of the body is in the mind but not all of the mind is in the body. the stick can be hard just knowing shes on the way. i swear unsuspectingly i would get hard for my woman just watching her clean when she would bend over and i see her thong. she wouldn’t know it was on my mind but i would be saying ima snatch a knot in that ass tonight. it was just something that turned me oin about her cleaning. hmmmmmm
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Elenda {May 29th, 2008 at 2:53 pm}
You need to go somewhere and jack off and come then come back…
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Genius Khan {May 29th, 2008 at 3:02 pm}
why? just noting the fact that D*Stroy aka D*Pain knows how to get it cracking with his wife before they even see each other and offered my own example as affirmation. are u uptight? maybe u need to ride the scream machine Elenda.
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Teacia {May 29th, 2008 at 3:27 pm}
HA HA HA…the scream machine…I want a turn…oooh pick me, pick me…lol!!
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Genius Khan {May 29th, 2008 at 3:40 pm}
i tease, u tease, we tease. feel my presence even in my absence. until destinies collide.
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Miss Patterson {May 29th, 2008 at 3:57 pm}
amen!
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Teacia {May 29th, 2008 at 2:56 pm}
This site has officially become the online version of FREAKNIK!! We bringing it back yall…digital style…lol!
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Genius Khan {May 29th, 2008 at 3:03 pm}
boy that freaknick was some good shit wasn’t it? OMG
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D*Stroy aka D*Pain {May 29th, 2008 at 3:04 pm}
LMAO!!!! Word-up!
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Miss Patterson {May 29th, 2008 at 3:12 pm}
Champ, i need you to regulate. Please steer us back into an appropriate pg-13 level. This just in… No sex topics for a week, all of you are on punishment! (lol)
Next topic: How to file taxes for you and your guy.
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Teacia {May 29th, 2008 at 3:26 pm}
LOL…riiiiight!
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The Champ {May 29th, 2008 at 3:37 pm}
“Champ, i need you to regulate. Please steer us back into an appropriate pg-13 level. This just in… No sex topics for a week, all of you are on punishment!”
yeah…the comments section has become linguistic libido. tommorrow’s topic is gonna be even worse, lol. at this rate, cats will be humping their monitors
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D*Stroy aka D*Pain {May 29th, 2008 at 3:46 pm}
LMAO!!!!
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