95?
80?
91?
105?
a couple years ago, i served on a county-wide teen pregnancy prevention board, composed of 30 or so members of social service agencies and nonprofits in the greater pittsburgh area.
we’d meet bi-monthly, eating catered jimmy johns while cementing happy hour plans and discussing new and unique ways to convey “stop f*cking!!!!” to all of the teens in allegheny county.
although i’d usually spend most of my time there devising theories on why women with, ummm, “relaxed” sexual standards seem to be disproportionately represented in social service occupations (my best theory? guilt), i did pay enough attention to be able to recite and recall a few surprising statistics. one in particular stood out above the rest.
the four numbers at the beginning represent the usual answers i receive when asking someone…
“if you had to guess, what percentage of high school students would you say are sexually active?”
obviously, in this oversexualized era of bust-it-babies, club window skeet, lug’s (lesbians until graduation), pregnancy packs, exposed snizzle backfat, and mclovin, those numbers should be astronomical, right? i mean, when we were in school, teachers taught you how to read right…not how to lay pipe. sh*t, nowadays kids are probably running trains in 3rd grade, using the fruit-rollups their 15 year old mothers packed for their lunches as makeshift edible condoms. right?
wrong
the answer (48%) is just more evidence that our perception of us being “oversexed” is a stark contrast to the reality, a concept further addressed in tara parker-pope’s “the myth of rampant teenage promiscuity”, an article published in the new york times debunking a few commonly-held notions.
“there is a group of kids who engage in sexual behavior, but it’s not really significantly different than previous generations,” said maria kefalas, an associate professor of sociology at st. joseph’s university in philadelphia and co-author of “promises i can keep: why poor women put motherhood before marriage” (university of california press, 2005). “this creeping up of teen pregnancy is not because so many more kids are having sex, but most likely because more kids aren’t using contraception.”
although this focuses on teens, i believe that this commonly held idea of rampant promiscuity transcends age. it seems like promiscuous adults assume that everyone else is promiscuous, and, for whatever reason, unpromiscuous adults assume that theyre the only one who arent promiscuous, despite factual data that proving the contrary.
also, despite what many of us would like to believe, sex was not invented in 1998. the few of us who are “gotdamning” every night aint the first, and certainly wont be the last people on the planet to do it. sh*t, baby-boomers are called baby-boomers because there was a baby-boom as a result of all the f*cking our grandparents were doing!!
so, people of vsb, do you agree? is our perception of what’s happening in the bedrooms and bar bathrooms of america deeply flawed? if so, why? what factors have contributed to this line of thinking?
—the champ
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{ 236 comments… read them below or add one }
yeah, ive never bought that whole idea that kids are all having sex…they said it when i was in school and im like, uh…well shantae is, but thats about it!
as for adults….im pretty sure everyone’s sexin but me. lol
@shatani,
well shantae is, but thats about it!
lol…i guess everyone was just f*cking shantae, huh?
@The Champ,
looked like it…she has a girlfriend now, though.
I dont think anyone ever said that all kids were having s.e.x but half is to dayum many especially considering that most of them start having s.e.x around the age of 12… so they are over.s.e.xed….
@Shay-d-lady,
Also, even if these kids aren’t having sex they just know too damn much too soon! 11 year olds talkin bout blowjobs and sh*t! Havin rainbow parties and other such foolishness!
Just like a lot of them lie about the loads of p*ssy that they’re getting (boys), there are those who are actually havin sex and lyin’ bout it (usually girls)!
@YGB, I was one of the ones that knew too much too soon. You’d think I’d have started chexing extra young with what I knew…. but nope. Waited til I was 19, out of momma’s smackin hand range and supporting myself.
@Ro,
sadly though this aint always the case.I waited as well coz I knew my mom would hav stomped dat azz!
@Shay-d-lady, I dont have any factual data to back up my beliefs but I dont think the amount of ppl having sex at 11 and 12yo are increasing. I think we hear about it b/c all the hormones in our food are making little girls get periods at 9 and what not. I’m sure everyone knew of the fast lil girl they had in their hood who was doin stuff at 12yo. And when I was 11 and 12, my life became consumed with three things. Football, video games, and somehow getting a girl to touch the meats. I think 11 and 12yo boys think about this stuff and they have since forever
@From Da Hip Peyso,
Football, video games, and somehow getting a girl to touch the meats. I think 11 and 12yo boys think about this stuff and they have since forever
good point
@The Champ,
Speaking of football – GO CARDINALS!!
@RedBeanzNRice
cardinal deez
@RedBeanzNRice,
I hereby issue an immediate revocation of all Diva Dust ™ dispensastions to one RedBeanzNRice for the statement issued in support of Kurt Warner’s decomposing a$$ and those sandflies he quarterbacks for.
that is all.
@blackberry molasses, lmao!
@RedBeanzNRice, I will be in Tampa this weekend NOT rooting for the Steeler’s
as a matter of fact let me get my happy a$$ out of here I have a plane to catch
LOL that reminds me of a very random story. one of my kids (14yo boy) at church was supposed to meet up with Larry Foote (Steeler #50 LB) last week for lunch. Larry had to cancel at the last minute so to make it up to the kid, he gave him tickets to the SB, flight and errythang. *smh* i never get that kinda compensation for broken promises…
@Intellectual Hedonist, IM! I thought we were cool, man. i just want you to know you’re fired for that comment right there.
@RedBeanzNRice,
Eff the Cardinals.
Word.
@From Da Hip Peyso, there might not be any factual data.. but I spend a lot of time in an innercity middle school, and I know for a fact that many of those kids them 12 year olds is f!@cking.. now I can compare that to my sixth grade class… yeah theres an increase……you can tell the decrease in age by the fact that there are way more 30 yr old grandma’s than there was a decade ago…..
i teach a s3x ed workshop with a programme in new york to ninth graders, and i always find my classes to have a very interesting dynamic…
my workshop is basically about how to talk about s3x and how to effectively convey to a partner that you don’t want to have s3x i.e. how to say no. and most of the boys in my classrooms (unsurprisingly) always try to act like they’re getting so much p*ssy they don’t know how to fit it in between homeroom and chemistry class. i love my girls though, cos they usually shut that down and put emphasis on how much they’d rather wait. they’re also incredibly perceptive about the pressure that teens have to deal with and how s3x is basically made a much bigger deal out of than it needs to be.
one thing i have to deal with: i have to tell them a statistic that says that three-fourths of new york ninth graders choose to be abstinent, a number most of them find hard to swallow. i guess the overly-sexualised imagery on tv etc. combined with their peers bragging about what they actually have never done doesn’t help. i usually tell them that the kids who choose not to have s3x aren’t doing so cos they can’t get any, but because they’d rather wait till they’re ready. i sincerely hope that gets a couple of them to rethink the way they look at s3x, at least a little… too many of these new york kids act way more grown than they are, i just wish they could stay awkward and teenage for a little longer. sure didn’t do me any harm (i hope).
@puff,
one thing i have to deal with: i have to tell them a statistic that says that three-fourths of new york ninth graders choose to be abstinent, a number most of them find hard to swallow. i guess the overly-sexualised imagery on tv etc. combined with their peers bragging about what they actually have never done doesn’t help
one effect of this feeling is the fact that some kids end up doing it just because they’re convinced that everyone else is.
half of kids are doing it…. smh… I mean most adults are ill equipped to deal with the emotional responsibility of s.e.x so to think of kids attempting to navigate this land mine is scary It is true kids did not just start having s.e.x but it has gotten more and more ridiculous and more acceptable. The starting age now is 11 or 12 and which I think is more emotionally damaging in the long run to the kids and society as a whole….
@Shay-d-lady,
“half of kids are doing it…. smh”
Half the kids have ALWAYS been doing it, it’s just that now you get to see the perceived percentages on paper. Hell, back in the day, in the country (Louisiana) that was the number one pass-time for teens and young adults – AND lecherous old men and teens, so don’t get it twisted. This sh*t has been going on exactly the way it is since the dawn of time – the only difference is documentation.
@RedBeanzNRice,
why do people think this stuff is new? Its always been this way its just not hidden anymore.
@RedBeanzNRice, I agree completely… in rural SC, where I grew up, latch-key kids started having sex in the 6th grade, and some before then. This has been going on for a while now…and especially the part about old men and teens…smh at the things I would hear about from my female classmates in the 7th grade. Hell, I had men in their 20′s approach me when I was 12 and 13…and then I would promptly run to my father. But for every one teen who turned them down, at least 2 more were willing. sad, but true, and nothing new….
@N.I.A. fabuloussince1982….,
“latch-key kids started having sex in the 6th grade, and some before then”
sadly, this is ture and not at all new. there was a girl in my 6th grade class that wound up pregnant and i was just blown away by it. i had barely kissed a boy at that time.
@SouthernGirl,
“latch-key kids started having sex in the 6th grade, and some before then”
for example see: the girl who was my best friend in H.S.
by the time we were 18 she had been pregnant twice and aborted both fetuses.
to this day she still doesn’t believe in protection. i suspect the reason i haven’t heard from her lately is that she is pregnant by some no- good idiot… yet again.
@blackberry molasses,
*sigh*
@SouthernGirl, she is one of those ‘friends’ who has been organically shed from my circle. You know how steel sharpens steel? Well… she was more like… tin foil. I could NOT deal with her antics anymore. She is a sweet woman and I love her child as if she were my own (and miss her just as much) but, until she stops sucking at life, interactions with her need to be limited. That doesn’t mean I don’t stil care and want to know if she is still walking this Earth.
@bbmo,
girl i know. sometimes you really do have to love people from afar and just keep them in your prayers.
@blackberry molasses,
sadly there r 2 many people like this.Some chick had 4 abortions by the time she was 17!
@blackberry molasses,
how does one NOT believe in protection?
@N.I.A. fabuloussince1982….,
Every time we would talk about her encounters, she would always not be able to look me in the eye. Knowing that I work for the Health Department and do research in STI’s and HIV, she KNOWS better.
I think she’s a bit weak willed and when men say they don’t want to, she kinda goes with it. I mean, her daughter is by a man with 10 kids by 4 baby mommas. She’s BM #5 and her baby is 11.
I even gave her a stash of free condoms. I don’t know if she uses them or not, but *smh*
talking about her is depressing me, so I’m gonna stop now.
@RedBeanzNRice, I never said it was knew.. but half of the kids doing it is not a good look period, getting caught up in the fact that it happened then and now doesnt make it right in either instance…… look at the emotional damage some of your early starters have finished.. how the mere discussion of hoism will send many ducking and hiding, …that shyt aint good and that percentage is high.. so what are we going to do about it.. say it aint new and keep it moving?
@Shay-d-lady, maybe many of the grown folk are ill equipped because they were having messed up sexual experiences at a young age
@From Da Hip Peyso,
adults are ill equipped because the subject of sex wasnt discussed throughly at a young age when kids first start thinking about it. All alot of kids are ever told is dont do it. Thats insufficient.
@Deviant,
“All alot of kids are ever told is dont do it. Thats insufficient.”
you’re right and this bothers me on so many levels. i just do not understand why people think that not discussing it or teaching only abstinence will prevent these kids from going out there and having sex. you are doing your children a disservice. all these actions lead to are a bunch of uninformed children making poor decisions. latest victim: bristol palin.
by the time they pulled us to the side to start having these talks in elememtary school i already knew the deal. yes it was mortifying at the time but i was informed. my mama made me sit and have that talk. numerous times. also including detailed cartoon videos from blockbuster. yes ma’am. and the confidence she instilled in me while i was growing up turned me into a person that made my own choices, didn’t bow to peer pressure and didn’t give a d@mn what anybody thought about it.
@SouthernGirl,
I think thats the first part of it, teaching your kids how to resist peer pressure. From a young age my mom taught my brother and I to be our own people. She started with simple things, like making sure we DIDNT have those shoes everybody else had. She wanted us to set our own trend and do our won things.
That definitely helped in high school and later college, with drugs, sex, etc etc. To this day I still dont place too much value on what other people think of me, or if I “fit in.”
@Dom,
I had a more traumatic experience… of the “talk”.
I was 16 the first time I asked for permission for an outing that was not a) at a family friend’s house b) with my parents c) with none of my older relatives (cousins, aunts, etc..)…and I had the brilliant idea to come home 3 hours later than the agreed-upon curfew (around 1 am). My dad was livid with anger and my mom would not even talk to me. Like nope.
It was a saturday night. My dad had an adult talk with me (bless his precious heart) where he basically told me this: “You’re the first born of 4 girls. You have a tremendous responsibility to your sisters. They love you and look up to you. Is this the example you want to set for them? Is this what you want them to say is ok?” That man knew that I loved my sisters more than anything so it stung in all the appropriate places.
My mother though? She took me to her intensive care unit (she’s an MD) to show me people dying of AIDS. Like, I mean, really mom?
. She basically told me (while crying, that woman and her antics!):
“Is this where you want us to come visit you? *pointing at a once young girl* How old do you think she is?
*me barely able to say a word because crying* “I don’t know”
“well, she is 18… and does not have more 2 months to live. Is this how you want to end up? All the sacrifices and efforts we’ve made for you, is that how you want to repay us?”
My fate was sealed that day. The funny thing is I was not even having s3x. But the trauma of seeing those dying AIDS victims is burnt into my soul, the stench of the ICU is still vivid. I think that was borderline child abuse,
, but to this day my motto, mantra and way of life is PROTECTION IS A MUST!!!!
Yup, some parents do go far with the “sex talk” thing.
@AquaSula,
Well Dam* Your parents weren’t playing any games huh!
I say do what you gotta do to get it across to your kids that they should always use protection.
@AquaSula,
damn. instead of “scared straight”, they should call that “scared asexual”
@AquaSula, It’s clear you were blessed with some loving parents. The question I have to you and to everyone else is simple. Assuming that we all want our children, students, and young people in general to have healthy and happy s3x one day does it make sense to teach them to have a negative attitude about a loving pleasure-able act only to expect them to be s3x-positive after marriage or when they are “emotionally mature” to have relations at some later unknown date?
@SouthernGirl,
your mom and my mom sound like they went to the same ‘mom school’
my mom actually brought home her medical texts, books geared towards children and videos. We had a full day ‘in-service’ if you will… I was 8 years old. She was a smart woman because I was on my moons by the time I was 9 and had B cups by age 10.
@From Da Hip Peyso, Shay-d-lady, maybe many of the grown folk are ill equipped because they were having messed up sexual experiences at a young age
LOL that was my point cause most s.e.xual experiences are messed up at a young age…
I think with all these misconceptions about who’s actually having sex, who isn’t, and how much sex is being had, what’s resulted is this general theme of keeping things casual i.e the hook up culture. As a recent college grad currently dealing with that mentality I find it frustrating. Because I feel like we operate in system that seems to be all about getting physical first, and dealing (or not dealing), with emotional connections later. What you end up with a lot of times is a situation with very few rules, except maybe try not to get caught up, (this usually happens to at least one person in the situation anyway), and then things start to get messy. I know I could use a refresher course on just simple old fashioned dating.
@apres moi,
i approve of this message
@apres moi,
I think with all these misconceptions about who’s actually having sex, who isn’t, and how much sex is being had, what’s resulted is this general theme of keeping things casual i.e the hook up culture.
so you’re saying that our perceptions are messed up because we’ve made it cool not to care (or, at least, to act like we dont care)?
@The Champ,
Absolutely. What I find most interesting IS the fact that Girls are the main ones talking about “ain’t nuttin’” and the Boys (aged 25-18) say things like, “That ithcB? She ain’t nobody. ‘Jes mah Baby muvah, not mah gurl o nuttin’.” (I’m an educator in NY, as well.) Then I ask the question, “How? Do you realize that he is literally inside of you. Can you achieve more closeness on a physical level?” The response? Blank stares. Somewhere along the line caring translated into “corny”. Perhaps media, perhaps hip-hop culture, perhaps not enough examples of affection between adults and adults toward children. My kids? Mom is full of cheese-hugs, kisses, compliments, cooks, fine and honest about the fact that “Mr. Jack doesn’t come around anymore because Mommy sees he doesn’t understand how special we are. No, Son, when you meet a girl you want to have GrownUP Time with you have to make sure she is worth it. Don’t like girls who treat you mean and don’t care about your feelings.” He’s 7.
As a secondary classroom teacher, I believe the 50% statistic (though it may vary between demographics). Aside from the obvious, the trouble with that is the “active” kids are so overtly sexual (pregnancy/abortion, bathrooms, locker rooms, maternity exemption, myspace.com) – I’ve encountered all of these situations in my experience – that peer pressure takes on a whole new meaning. I believe that all the trite reasoning for overt sexuality among children is true: (1) attention, (2) insecurity, (3) belonging/acceptance, (4) to appear more mature, etc. However, they are still very ignorant about the act of and safety of sex. My students have never been more captivated than during discussions about sex b/c no one takes the time to talk to them about it…and with the abolition of sex ed. in most FL school districts, it’s no wonder that STD/AIDS rates continue to climb. Kids seek education in all things and w/o proper instruction, strike out on their own to experiment for themselves, often to their own detriment.
As for the adults…I believe promiscuity has more to do with immediate gratification than ignorance (though, I suppose the two tend to overlap at times).
@Resident GRitS,
Aside from the obvious, the trouble with that is the “active” kids are so overtly sexual (pregnancy/abortion, bathrooms, locker rooms, maternity exemption, myspace.com)
i agree. the ones who are getting it on are, well, getting it on, lol, and are usually more vocal, and this affects our perception of everyone else
interesting perspective, champ… my thoughts, in no particular order:
1. forty eight is a high percentage of teenagers having sex. if forty eight percent of teenagers were skipping class, volunteering in their communities. fighting in school, scoring above 1200 on the SAT, driving recklessly, etc. it would be news worthy (for better or worse).
2. people who were relatively promiscuous teenagers generally understand how they could have made better choices earlier in life and feel committed to “saving the next generation”. are they the best people for the job? dunno – but they are in a better position to empathize with the motivation for having s3xas a teenager than those with a more prudish past.
3. we live in a country that is saturated with s3xually suggestive images – close ups of women’s bouncing br3asts, round tight a55es, men’s deliciously hard chests and abs, pants bulges, hair styles that celebrate rolling around in bed…it’s rather amazing that people aren’t having more s3x…
are folks choosing m@sturb8ion over fantasy? “if you can’t join ‘em, be@t off to ‘em.”
it’s late… adieu.
1. forty eight is a high percentage of teenagers having sex. if forty eight percent of teenagers were skipping class, volunteering in their communities. fighting in school, scoring above 1200 on the SAT, driving recklessly, etc. it would be news worthy (for better or worse).
good point.
@ladyb,
2. people who were relatively promiscuous teenagers generally understand how they could have made better choices earlier in life and feel committed to “saving the next generation”. are they the best people for the job? dunno – but they are in a better position to empathize with the motivation for having s3xas a teenager than those with a more prudish past.
hmmm…i dont agree with this. i dont think lack of experience excludes someone from having wisdom about a subject.
hmmm…i dont agree with this. i dont think lack of experience excludes someone from having wisdom about a subject.
i agree. i’m currently dealing with teenage girls i mentor at my church and many of them prefer to confide in and discuss sex with those of us adult women who have more modest and “prudish” sexual histories. they are very interested in the choices we made early on, particularly as it relates to our faith and spiritual awareness. and this has had an impact on a lot of their decisions to abstain. i think it just depends on the type of perspective kids seek.
just this past Sunday i talked with a 16yo boy (the one who’s a “fan” of Tupac) about his sexual relationship with his gf. while he mentioned he didn’t want to stop lol he still said he appreciated my advice and that he knew he could come to me becuz i’d understand (whatever that really means). i was actually really touched that he chose ME over the other male adult leaders to talk to about his issues, and over playing Madden or cards with the other kids.
@The Champ,
“hmmm…i dont agree with this. i dont think lack of experience excludes someone from having wisdom about a subject.”
I disagree. I don’t think lack of experience excludes someone from having KNOWLEDGE but wisdom comes with experience.
@Deviant,
Yup, people often confuse knowledge with wisdom.
Wisdom is accumulated knowledge i.e experience.
@Deviant,
I disagree. I don’t think lack of experience excludes someone from having KNOWLEDGE but wisdom comes with experience
in some cases, yeah. thing is, sometimes experience actually makes a person less wise, and a less reliable objective source
I’d like to point out that the major culprit here is our “post” sexual revolution culture:
The media has bombarded us with the images continuously since the “baby boom”. The cause & effect of sex was lost in the message. Sex is fun, but there’s MORE to it than just an orgasm / climax.
Sex sells, but who’s buying?? I’m more concerned with WHAT we’re buying. The notion that if you use this or that product = YOU ARE COOL is ridiculous to any thinking person. I call insanity!!
How much thought do we actually put into our lives once we leave a learning environment (home / school / college)?? Once we’re “grown” we can do everything our parents / teachers warned us not to do (i.e. Girls Gone Wild). Why is it okay for a woman to be a tease?? What gives a woman the right to abuse her God-given power??
The majority of us supposed adults are essentially sheep: so where does that leave the children?? Who are the little ones looking up to?? Who did you want to be when you grew up??
Somewhere along the timeline concepts like responsibility / honor / self-respect / intimacy became just words, or even worse a punchline. NLMFAO
@Bigg_D,
good points all. welcome and sh*t
@Bigg_D,
welcome!!!
*shooting gold stars*
@Bigg_D,
Welcome!!!
**Diva Dust v. 2.0 ™**
@Bigg_D,
*high five, hip bump, secret DOPE-TASTIC handshake*
I am SO glad that you made your VSB debut dropping knowledge and sh!t!! GREAT JOB DAD!! *doing the “dougie” for emphasis* I be stunting like my DADDY ni99as!!!!
Ladies…feel free to love on him accordingly!!!
I think that sounds about right… back in school, we had the freaks, but I also had a group of chicks that I hung out with that were all virgins… and graduated that way.
I think the numbers are so flawed because of the media… Numbers are inflated for shock value. Entertainment may also contribute to the confusion, like videos, movies, etc.
I really think more kids/people/folks are having sex than the numbers let on. And if there isn’t penetration, there’s a ton of oral delight going on out there. As I said in a comment on a previous post, a lot of this depends on where you live and how you were raised. Inner Cities or major urban hubs are naturally going to have a lot of effin goin’ on. The same applies to large suburbs despite what people think…there just aren’t as many pregnancies there.
@Slim Jackson,
“The same applies to large suburbs despite what people think…there just aren’t as many pregnancies there”
I think the amount of sex and pregnancy is fairly steady across the board. What’s different is how adults and parents treat it.
In the suburbs kids are encouraged to graduate from school and go to college. Too Many urban moms are encouraging their kids to have babies once they find out they are pregnant. That ish don’t happen in the suburbs!
@Dom
“That ish don’t happen in the suburbs!”
True. Even if the daughter comes home preggo, it will get taken care of. Please believe there will be no baby to show of.
@V Renee,
Thank you! *blowing kisses* (not on glitter committee) but that is a point that is constantly overlooked. My nana married at 14, her husband 17. Gee, is it hard to figure out why? Back then, there were not High Schools where you could bring your baby with you. And certainly was rare the girl who knew the woman with the knowledge and skill to make a “special” tea or knew how to properly insert turtle shells.
@Iyapiphany,
you wanna be part of Sparkly Sistas, LLC?? We are always looking for a few good sparkly goodness spreaders. Even if you can only be part time.
@blackberry molasses, Iyapiphany,
true…sparkly goodness knows no bounds or time limits and sh!t…
@V Renee,
True story. I’ve lived in the burbs all my life where you could count the number of Black families on your fingers and toes. There were a few girls during high school who were out for a few days or a couple of weeks to have ‘surgery’ and came back right as rain. I know of only ONE girl who actually had her baby. Senior year she disappeared and we thought she had moved… she was being home schooled and appeared at graduation…. notably the baby was NOT in tow.
@blackberry molasses,
Yeah, all these folks talking about folks getting preggers in middle school, I dont get it. I was raised in the city but went to school in the burbs from 1-12th. I can not name a single person who had a child or was visibly pregnant. He** a few years after graduation one of the white girls I graduated with had a baby, and that was big News. She musta been like 21 at the time! It just doesnt happen there.
@Dom, A lot of these “urban” moms probably cannot afford to get their daughter an abortion for their Sweet 16, and probaly figure that with a baby, they can at least get government assistance. Last I checked, abortions are not covered under Medicaid….
@N.I.A. fabuloussince1982….,
That’s a sad mindset to have. And a pathetic a** reason to have a child.
@Dom,
Oh, I definitely agree…I’m just presenting the other side. It’s just as sad to continue getting a child abortions without addressing the issue. In both cases, surburbs v. urban, abortion v. pregnancy to term, the parents are trying to use bandaids to cover up a gunshot wound.
@Slim Jackson,
I really think more kids/people/folks are having sex than the numbers let on
nah. again, thats just your perception f*cking with you. i mean, even if you say that the number should be higher because some kids probably lied about not having sex, its evened out by the kids surveyed/studied who lied to make it seem like they were having more sex.
I agree with Resident Grits; there are deeper reasons why children are becoming sexually active. I don’t think that it is enough to just teach kids abstinence or even educate them about safe sex and the consequences. Families and especially parents have to take much more responsibility, so that kids aren’t looking to their friends for advice, a sense of belonging, attention, etc. That means keeping abreast on technology and all the latest networking websites.
I don’t think its right to totally blame the media. I watched all the shows I wasn’t supposed to, music videos, I knew all the words to all the R Kelly songs, etc. But I remained a virgin through high school for several reasons. 1) I have a loving family that encouraged me to do well in school and excel in sports and community activities 2) My mom never had “the talk” with me but my sister and older cousins educated me enough to know that I wasn’t ready for that sh** 3) Mom dukes would BEAT MY ASSSSSS!! If she found out that I was sexually involved on any level and 4) MOM DUKES WOULD BEAT. THAT. ASS.
YES the media is saturated with tig o’ bitties and booty meat, and YES words like self-respect and intimacy are becoming distant concepts in general but somehow we need to reel ourselves back to reality. There has to be balance. Now, I know that’s easier said then done but the support I had helped me to become a grounded individual, like Bigg_D points out I had a few someones to look up to.
@D_M_B,
I co-sign this…
The only reason I remained a virgin throughout hig school was b/c my parents and family made a concerted effort to make sure I knew I had more going on for me than that, and excelling in school and sports was my way of being popular in shigh school. And the thought of disappointing my parents kept me in line. But to be honest, I cannot imagine having sex as a teenager….
Parents have to get more proactive in their teens lives, and encourage them to remain teens instead of becoming adults before they are ready to deal with the consequences.
@D_M_B,
” 1) I have a loving family that encouraged me to do well in school and excel in sports and community activities ”
Like Track huh?
@D_M_B,
welcome and sh*t
@D_M_B,
welcome!!!
*shooting gold stars*
@D_M_B,
Welcome!!!
**Diva Dust v. 2.0 ™**
@D_M_B,
Thanks for the co-signage.
Similarly, I learned about s*x from my peers rather than my parents and decided that I wasn’t ready. Though my mother and I didn’t have ‘THE TALK,’ her parenting was effective b/c she raised me to make good decisions in her absence.
And, to be fair, she attempted to have the s*x convo w/me during an Oprah episode in ’93. The show was about talking to your kids about s*x…she looked over at me and I said, “I already know.” She asked if I had questions and that was it.
I grew up in rural South Carolina, and when I was in middle school, kids talked about having sex. One of my classmates’ parents worked a 2nd shift, and she would invite the fast girls and boys over to her house after school to do whatever, and then they would come back and tell all of us “nerds” and uncool kids about fellatio in the closet and intercourse in the bathroom. And it was the height of uncool to be a virgin…I remember getting teased in the 7th grade b/c I had never seen a real live penis in the flesh, let alone had one inside of me.
Then, when I hit high school, sex was still what everyone talked about, and everyone seemed to be doing it, and virginity was still something to be mocked. Statistically, I would think there was more than 50% teen sex in my high school. Every year, there were several pregnancies, several abortions, and several incidences of STDs. It was really crazy.
Now as an adult, I can see everything in our society promotes sex, yet no one wants to have a real conversation about sex, and all that comes along with it. So teens see all of this on television and magazines…every issue of Cosmo has several articles about sex, and sex is defined as something that can be done and enjoyed without any consequences. Unfortunately, I think a lot of adults buy into this bull, too. I was surprised when one of my besties from undergrad begin to reveal to me how many men she had been with and how much sex she has had since losing her virginity, and she lost her virginity in 2004. And I am sure that for every man she was with, has been with several other women, and those women with other men, and so on and so on. I think there is a lot of single, unmarried sex happening…people are just being discreet.
@N.I.A. fabuloussince1982….,
One of my classmates’ parents worked a 2nd shift, and she would invite the fast girls and boys over to her house after school to do whatever, and then they would come back and tell all of us “nerds” and uncool kids about fellatio in the closet and intercourse in the bathroom.
i think every community in the country has a house like that. one of my goals in life is to not own that house, lol
I don’t think the numbers are inflated at all. There are kids out there doing it, (ex.) my 14 year old cousin who’s due to give birth next month. * insert really sad face here*
Then there’s kids that aren’t doing it (ex.) my 2- 18 year old cousins (who still have their the v-cards) due to graduate in May.
It’s been the same since we were in HS. Funny, I always knew more kids that weren’t doing anything, then kids that actually were. As Slim mentioned above it seems kids nowadays are doing a lot more of “everything but” –because they still want to be seen/known as a “technical virgin”. That’s equally as scary because I don’t think they realize they are still putting themselves at the same risks for STD’s.
Yeah, you might not get pregnant, but you can still catch some ish that you can’t throw back.
@miss t-lee, I knew a 2520 girl in high school who would take in the poop shoot so that she could “maintain” her virginity, rumor has it that this is still the case
@From Da Hip Peyso,
Yep…I knew a chick like that too.
Scary.
@From Da Hip Peyso,
I know a black girl who did the same. She just got married last year.
@From Da Hip Peyso,
I spose she figured it’s betta to be a loose booty virgin than not 2 b 1-ridiculous!
When I was in high school, I was the last of my friends to lose my virginity. I know that is shocking information, but I was.
Ok I got too happy when I typed that out and hit enter.
but to continue my thought …
I have a highschooler now. I know he isn’t having sex. At least as of yesterday he wasn’t.
When I was in high school, if you would have told me that half the kids there were doing The Do, I would have been shocked. As an adult, I’m still kinda shocked at nearly 50%.
Granted my current view of teens are thru my son, who is an awesome kid, I just can’t imagine that half of them are getting it in.
That being said, I’m just glad that I am getting it in – and I am *so* not oversexed. If anything I am undersexed.
And my son best still be a virgin when I get home from work today. He has loc’s now – and you know how those fast ass high school chicks are …
@Cheryl,
Not to sound cynical, but how exactly do you know your highschooler is not having s3x? Because he told you he wasn’t? Unless we are with our kids 24 hours a day, we really don’t know what they’re doing. We just have to trust that what we’ve taught them is sinking in and what they’re telling us is the truth. But I’ve known many a parent who thought that their child was not doin anything, and came up pregnant or got somebody pregnant. We just never know.
@nia,
I don’t know…I would think that it could be a mother’s intuition. I wasn’t having se!x in highschool….
but maybe that does kind of prove the point of the above..these kids aren’t having the se!x we are thinking they are.
I can sort of tell, just because I am a woman when teen girls are having se!x even without them telling me. And its not necessarily in their conversation about boys.
@nia,
Because my son and I talk about it, and I trust him when he tells me he hasn’t had sex. Hell he isn’t even interested in girls yet. The girls are all about him, but hes all about that xbox360. I mean he’s a fresh 14 and rather immature.
you remind me of my ex-sis-in-law and my nephew…
but you know, i’ve heard from some of my guy friends that started having sex at young ages (11-13) that they became sexually active cuz they had nothing better to do, adults weren’t really supervising them (on any level) and the older girls from around the way were willing to show them a thing or 2.
perhaps kids who have strong parental participation (and i don’t mean super-strict or overbearing) and have other stuff going on with them that doesn’t require the opposite sex, sexual exploration may not be as appealing or at the mind’s forefront and they aren’t necessarily ready to dive in between the first set of thighs that open up to them.
@Outrageous G.E.M.,
perhaps kids who have strong parental participation (and i don’t mean super-strict or overbearing) and have other stuff going on with them that doesn’t require the opposite sex,
Amen.
@nia,
I feel like parents do know. If you pay attention to your kids you will know what they’re in to. They might swear up and down they dont, but thats a crock of s**t.
@Cheryl,
That’s why I won’t get ProActive for my 16year old. He’s still too insecure about his looks to push up! People call him sheltered, but I’m fine with anime and video games. Lol! Go Japan! (I think)
@Iyapiphany,
My son is a young 14. I mean he is in puberty and all that, but mentally, if it isn’t the xbox or the arcade at the mall or hanging out with me or his dad … he just isn’t that interested.
and I am *so* ok with that. Just found out his dad is about to be a grandfather so he’s gonna be an uncle.
Ask ya momma ‘nem…
My mother has held for many years that in previous generations, kids were having chex. They were discrete though! They were doing it knowing that if the girl got pregnant, the boy would HAVE to marry her, she’d have to get a hanger to the crotch, or be sent ‘down south’. The difference now is that it’s socially acceptable to screw, to get pregnant, to be single and carry the baby to term and NOT turn it over to some older relative ‘down south’.
Also, getting a STD was a huge deal back them. My mother is still telling this story about one of her friend’s daughters who got herpes at 13. My brother and I were like, “Well it’s for live but it won’t kill her…like HIV!” Clearly this hasn’t stopped her social life because her ass has TWO kids and a husband…
From my experience, there were kids screwing in middle school and more were screwing in HS. BUT it was a select few girls and more dudes. The screwing girls had a different boyfriend every month. Funny enough, the main chicks went on to either BE or MARRY ministers.
@Hostess,
A chick in my junior high got prego when we were in 8th grade.
I still think about that girl from time to time…we’re the same age (30) and she has a 17 year old …I could not imagine.
@miss t-lee,
This is trippy to me too..im old enough to have a teenager too..God save the queen.
@Princess Duvet, Well hell, for that, if I were having chex when I first got my ‘womanhood’, I could be a grandma if my daughter was hot in the pants!!! Sweet baby Jesus in a high chair!!!!!!!!!
@Hostess,
*crunches numbers*
laaaaaaawd.
me too.
*falls out*
@Hostess,
i was little late on my womanhood…LOL..so its a real possibility that I could hit menopause in my 70s..
i was in a store and this little girl got sick once..and I was tryna help her and her father was like ..”she’s in that time of the month you know” I looked at him like he was crazy.
The little girl was 9…I was 15 when my womanhood came.
***hold up..crunchin my own numbers..crunchin one more time..I could be a grandma too***
got dayum…im depressed now.
@Princess Duvet,
hmmm…wondering if it’s better to hit menopause later…then again, is there ever a good time for that? lol.
15?!?! yeah, you were late.at least in my neck of the woods. i had 4 years on you.
@SouthernGirl,
“hmmm…wondering if it’s better to hit menopause later…then again, is there ever a good time for that? lol. ”
i hate to get all mystical and preachy and yaya in here. But there are some scientific links to early menopause being associated to tons of “female” problems.
And most women still associate their ability to have a period tied to their reproductive functions ..functioning and being a woman..
back in the day..when women got “hysterical” they were force to have a total “Hysterectomy”..
@SouthernGirl,
not preachy at all. i know and i feel you.
@Princess Duvet,
thought this was a bit relevant to our talk today. quick newsweek article about factors that affect puberty in girls.
http://www.newsweek.com/id/182046?from=rss
@Princess Duvet
What type of “female” problems?? The newsweek article that SouthernGirl linked, actually says that late menopause possibly increases the risk of breast cancer due to prolonged exposure to estrogen.
I feel like Miranda in SATC….any and everything causes cancer. Type your symptoms into google and wait for the word cancer to appear.
@SouthernGirl
“”My Little Red Book,” 18-year-old Rachel Kauder Nalebuff broke the unspoken taboo by collecting dozens of essays on the topic from a diverse group of women, both famous and not”…
im not finished reading..thanks for the article..
i just thought with that above quote.. the vagina monolouges got super young.
@Hostess,
“My mother has held for many years that in previous generations, kids were having chex. They were discrete though! They were doing it knowing that if the girl got pregnant, the boy would HAVE to marry her The difference now is that it’s socially acceptable to screw, to get pregnant, to be single and carry the baby to term and NOT turn it over to some older relative ‘down south’.
”
EXACTLY..there was public shame associated to the consequences (pregnancy) so people did a lot of hiding and if ole dude ain’t marry the woman..she went “missing”..for a little while.
And surprise “where Loula get that baby from?”
@Princess Duvet, People get so upset with me when I mention shame. Shame is a good thing. If we had more of it, we’d handle our business behind closed doors. My people had an unspoken rule that we were not to embarrass them. The end.
@Hostess,
“Shame is a good thing. ”
i agree..i always think that the people who forgo doing something “wrong”..don’t always act on conscience, but rather the “what if people found out”. That is a deterrent all by itself (for some).
And you’re are right because we are such a “anything goes” type of society now..shame doesn’t mean much anymore.
@Hostess,
“My people had an unspoken rule that we were not to embarrass them”
h3ll on that. that sh1t was spoken in my house.
@SouthernGirl, It was spoken in mine, too. My mom made sure we were not to be that girl or that boy, and my dad just gave us that “Iwishaniggawould” look.
@SouthernGirl
That sh*t was definitely spoken in my house – “You will NOT bring home any babies”. To this day, I will NOT be somebody’s ‘baby mama’.
I will say that in my high school we didn’t have a whole lot of girls having babies. I can think of about 3 that I know of. One of them had the baby at like 12 (the rumor was the daddy was her mama’s boyfriend). Instead we had a lot of chicks that would out of nowhere start picking up weight, and everyone would be like, she must have gotten on birth control….
@V Renee, “Instead we had a lot of chicks that would out of nowhere start picking up weight, and everyone would be like, she must have gotten on birth control….
yeah we had that too….
@SouthernGirl, Be clear, there was a whole list of offenses we’d better not commit. Getting knocked up or knocking someone up was just the tip of the iceberg.
@Hostess, you ain’t lyin…
@SouthernGirl,
that ish was LAW. You better not shame “The Family”. And by family mom meant her, daddy, aunties, uncles, cousins, grand parents, second cousins once removed, great uncles… to be the one who brought shame to “The Family” was to write your own obituary…
@Hostess,
Shame is a good thing.
i agree, 100 percent. although i’m not gonna get on the “things are worse nowadays” train, i will say that alot of us seem to lack shame and the ability to be/get embarrassed.
@Hostess, as much as I like s words n stuff. I think we could use people w/ softer hearts and ‘chastisement’. Where as shame leads to a smaller population via suicide (circa failing markets and suicide #s rise in the east)
oh shyt I spelled everything right in this post go me
@WuDaMan,
“@Hostess, as much as I like s words n stuff. I think we could use people w/ softer hearts and ‘chastisement’.”
I think there needs to be a real balance. Im not really a fan of rules when it comes to personal expression, life path/work etc.
But some shame in my opinion does generally dictate some form of public order..chaos surprisingly does the same as well..many people believe that our generation is shifting back to quite a bit of social/sex!ual restraint … from the “free love” type of sexual revolution our parents came of age in.
@WuDaMan, That right there is what led to the lack of shame. Using prettier words has made the sting of doing stupid shyt (2 ‘s’ words) not as severe. Oh don’t make the kids feel bad. Well they should. They should feel bad when they flunk school. They should feel bad when they embarrass their families. Etc. Etc. Etc.
@Hostess, I think that people feel these things inately and don’t need the reinforcement. Then again this may be me projecting. Now society can think what it wants n all & stare all they want. That being said I don’t think that there is a rule of thumb that can fit all generations. There has to be an evolving chastisement that results in the self correcting motivating feeling of shame.
LMAO @ you s word useage somebody warm up the defribulators. I’m starting to hear R-Kelley’s I Wish song.
@Hostess,
…hanger to the crotch….
wow…just wow.
@Hostess, “My mother has held for many years that in previous generations, kids were having chex. They were discrete though! They were doing it knowing that if the girl got pregnant, the boy would HAVE to marry her, she’d have to get a hanger to the crotch, or be sent ‘down south’. The difference now is that it’s socially acceptable to screw, to get pregnant, to be single and carry the baby to term and NOT turn it over to some older relative ‘down south’.
This is very true. My mother told us that the boy would either marry the girl, or the girl would go live with some relatives for 9 months, then come back without the baby…or the baby would her “cousin” or something. There was this sense of shame; not only on the families, but the entire community. Now, even the community supports teen pregnancy.
Quck story…during my 11th grade year in high school, this senior was pregnant with twins, and she was one of the nominees for homecoming queen. And my mother was outraged that the school even allowed her to be considered. And then at the homecoming game, when that 17 yr old child was paraded out in front of everyone with this huge stomach, my mother immediately snatched both me and my little sister, and we left the game. She was furious that no one had any shame about this, and that this child’s parents was allowing her to be paraded around with big pregnant belly as if it was the most normal thing in the world for a teenager to be pregnant. I mean she was furious, and gave both me and my sister a very stern warning about bringing shame and disgrace to ourselves just for a few minutes of nothing.
Buring this time in my life, teen pregnancy didn’t seem to be a big deal outside of my home, and the community supported it, including my church, which is one of the many reasons why I don’t attend my home church when I am in South Carolina visiting my parents. smh….
@N.I.A. fabuloussince1982…., Another thing my mother said is that once a girl got pregnant, she was a woman and the other girls weren’t allowed to socialize with her. I hear a lot about not wanting to make the girl AND boy outcasts. I disagree with this completely because if you let a child think that if they do wrong, they still get the homecoming, prom, etc., they have no reason not to do wrong. Your mom was completely right to snatch y’all up. Also, where was the boy?? Back in the day if you ‘went with’ a girl, she got pregnant, had the kids publicly and you didn’t marry her, your family was looked down upon. The boys didn’t get a pass. I won’t even get into why I think boys get a pass now. I think I’ve probably offended enough ppl today.
@Hostess,
I agree, the boys and the girls suffered the consequences back in the day, and I will say that boys and men get a pass today when it somes to sex and sexual responsibility. How many posts have then been on this website referring to women as hoes for any sexual actual or percieved sexual escapde…and most commenters say nothing about the men…b/c men can’t be hoes? Anyway, I think these men are the same boys who are raised to think that sex is a gauge of manhood, and thus men will be men and boys will be boys. No responsibiltiy, no consequences…instead they get pats on the back and head nods…and everything in our society supports the double standards
@Hostess, “Also, where was the boy?? ”
The boy was some older cat who was no longer in HS. I think he may have been at least 2 years older than her…at least.
@Hostess,
I disagree with this completely because if you let a child think that if they do wrong, they still get the homecoming, prom, etc., they have no reason not to do wrong.
yo my mama always told me when i was younger that if i did decide to be “grown” and have sex AND i got pregnant, that would be the end of childhood fun as i knew it. she said i’d be home taking care of that baby– NO homecoming, NO prom, NO hanging out with my friends unless my baby could go too. her thing: if you grown enough to get pregnant, you grown enough to take care of the baby and say buh-bye to HS/teenage activities.
she also said she and pops would “help” me raise the child–mostly by providing shelter, helping offset some of the costs, show me how to care for a baby, etc–but she would damn sure not be the primary caretaker or the default babysitter. hell.to.the.nah.
@N.I.A. fabuloussince1982….,
“Quck story…during my 11th grade year in high school, this senior was pregnant with twins, and she was one of the nominees for homecoming queen”
Your Mom sounds like my Dad. He too was very upset that we had 4 of our varsity cheerleaders pregnant and they were still allowed to sit on the sidelines and cheer.
He would always say, “if that would have happened when I was in HS there would have been a shotgun wedding, or they would have been shipped out to live with they auntie or grandma in another city”…lol
Then it was always followed with, “that ish bet not happen to you.”
@miss t-lee, When I was in college, a chick got pregnant. My mother was undone that a shower was being held for her. Why? Because we don’t throw parties when people don’t do things in order. If someone wants to, fine. But in our family, that’s not a game we play. Before anyone fixes their fingers to type something about punishing the baby…It’s not punishing the child either because the child isn’t really even at the party. If s/he was, the child wouldn’t know what the hell was going on anyway.
@Hostess,
My grandmother is the same way. She hasn’t attended any of the showers for my cousins who got preggo out of wedlock.
She’s so serious with it too.
@Hostess,
Thank you SO much for your comments today! Im glad to hear that there are still people out there whoe encourage their children to want better for themselves and for their own children. And who refuse to bow down to society’s lax standards on the issue.
My aunt called me last night and told me that her 19 year old step-daughter is pregnant. Dropped out of high school. No steady place to live. Thats a hard a** life she’s setting up for herself. My aunt’s words: A baby is a blessing, now she’ll have to get her life together. Why advocate a child having a child when they’re headed down a path of destruction themselves? All it does is create another generation of messed up people!
While I agree with that sentiment, I think our community need to take a tougher stand angainst this type of thing. Stop accepting it and making it seem like ish is okay! It angers me to no end!
@Dom, I’m on the fence about this baby being a blessing line. What is a blessing is a baby who can be cared for. A baby who comes in the world with the odds stacked in their favor. I think folks just say that blessing stuff to make themselves feel better about not instilling values into the younger generations.
@Hostess,
Yes indeed. You’re preaching today!
@Hostess,
“A baby who comes in the world with the odds stacked in their favor.”
im on the fence with this sentiment and the blessing thing too…I would argue that kids who are born to parents “of age” and “with means” to care for their children, doesn’t always mean a home run.
I know plenty of dumb ass two parent (of age) and (of means) children..”the odds are stacked in favor” of perspective and outlook.
If the baby is here (no use in dealing in post mortums)..usually making that girl and young boy step up to the responsibility IS a deterrent (for more kids)..not so much when granny becomes mommy and plays other enabling games with their children who are THE parents.
@Princess Duvet, You may know some cases. But the numbers show that if a child is born in poverty or to a teen mom, their changes of overall success (graduating HS, not being a teen parent, not going to jail) decrease significantly. Therefore, we can’t set the rules and expectations based on those not in the fat part of the normal curve. Simply put, if you (not you per se) require government subsidies to care for your child for it’s entire life, you can’t afford it. If you don’t know not to send your child to school with a lunch comprised of Oreos and Skittles, dammit, you shouldn’t have a child.
@Hostess, i understand the stats..
but what do you do when the KID IS HERE. I would rebuke the rebuke..that a child isnt a blessing. Instilling a little fear and shame (regarding the outcome) AND TALKING TO YOUR KID ABOUT se!x is great.
but when a child arrives…”taking the he/she isn’t a blessing” global view is just as if not MORE of the problem. What message does that send to women about their own predicament. I realize we’re all about prevention here. But I assert sometimes its the STIGMA (not just the shame) that causes the problem..Loula Mae had to hide back in the day (But she was taking care of her KID. And nurtured by someone…while she was given the closed door “what the fyck were you thinking”??”)
@Princess Duvet,
I agree that its a lot more difficult when a kid is here to take a hard line against their behavior, but at the same time we have to remeber that there are other kids watching the situation.
For example, in my Aunt’s situation, her son just turned 13. He’s going to see that teen pregnancy is embraced in his family. Hopefully, he doesnt get it in his mind that this is okay to do.
These types of situations need to be made difficult for teen parents so others abstain from the parctice. I know that sounds harsh, but thats how I see it.
Dom
I totally agree with you..im really mid road here.
I do believe that a kid that is here and alive today are all blessings. HOWEVER and most people in my family take a super hard line once the kid is here..
that means your a teenage MOTHER. You don’t GET TO HANG OUT on Fridays cause YOU are a mother now. You don’t go out on dates. CAUSE YOU ARE A MOTHER NOW. YOU’RE still in highschool so you better be going to school everyday AND since you are a MOTHER NOW…you and your boyfriend/bedfellow FATHER need to be finding a way to pay for the things it takes to take care of YOUR kid. So you and THE FATHER get a partime job, Cause…yep YOU are a mother…And YALL BETTER NOT BE LATE FOR SCHOOL.
..there is HELP only when lots of other attempts ON YOUR OWN ACCOUNT are being handled, cause you are a MOTHER and he is THE FATHER.
My cousin was a teenage mother (the only one) in our family..and MOST made her life PURE D He!ll.
I saw all the stuff she couldn’t do because she had a child and i said NO THANKS..
@Dom,
Oh, this is such a tricky subject. I’ve read the comments on this string, and I am of 2 minds:
1. Part of me wants to be a hardazz. Shame on the girl, shame on the boy, no activities if you’re preggers, scare the crap out of ‘em, do whatever it takes mentality to keeping these kids from procreating before they’re ready. It’s a war out there, and the prize is your kids. Do what you need to do.
2. Part of me is a little softer. I believe in God, and in His forgiveness. Everything is part of his plan. And I’ve seen first hand that babies can save lives. Now, I wouldn’t give some parents my plant cactus for the weekend, but God saw fit to give them a kid. And some of these folks actually worked on themselves because of it. Am I advocating it? Hellz naw. But I don’t know more than The Creator, and in some cases I just have to trust that His Will is being done.
What I don’t like (and we pretty much all agree here) is creating a culture where teen pregancy is “no big deal”. I don’t want to put these young parents (usually the moms) in a place where they’re being punished, cuz the loss of their youth is punishment enough. So, yes to in-school day care and parenting classes – but HELLZ NAW to prom, cheerleading, student council, etc. And I wish we could find a way to make some of these boys more responsible, but what do you do if no one in the situation (from young mom, to her mom, to his mom, to grandma) has a responsible man in their lives?
*This is the kind of mess that makes me want to get my tubes tied before I even have kids. My head hurts.*
@Lil’T, The thing that stops me from doing a lot of stuff, even as an adult, is seeing the hardships other ppl go through.
I’m not for in-school day care. Here’s why. It makes it easy on the girl and boy. If it’s easy on the girl and boy, it’s easy on their families. The family needs to figure out a way to allow Bristal to get an education and figure out something to with the child they didn’t stop the kids from having. Also, save for rape, when children make the move to do adult things, they are no longer to be treated as children. Childhood is over. You have to grow up! Just like I, and all of my friends knew, there wasn’t going to be ANY help if we got knocked up, my kids will too. It’s not even an option. The only option kids need to have is which sport they are going to play! Can you tell I’m a hard ass when it comes to kids? Really I’m not. But I will appear to be for the sake of my kids and the kids around me. I know ppl make mistakes but I want them to understand the gravity of that kind of mistake.
@Lil’T,
speaking of parents not doing their part…my mama told me over xmas that my little cousin (16) got his girlfriend pregnant. now apparently, no one knows. the only reason my mama knows is because he talks to my other cousin and she talks to my mom.
but what we can’t figure out is if her parents know or not. because from the way my cousin (the girl) was telling it, her parents know. but me and my mama can’t fathom it because his parents do not know. and if her parents know, how are they going along with the charade of not telling my cousin’s parents? what kinda sh!t is that?!?!?
we’re thinking that she must have gotten the story wrong or somebody is lying about who has knowledge about this situation cause ain’t no way in hell would things be going down this way in my house once you done literally f^cked up. we’d be on his front porch.
@ Hostess,
LOL – I ain’t mad at ya for being hard on the kids. Matter of fact, that’s one of the reasons I support in school day care – take yo baby AS SOON as the school day is over. No chillin’ and pretending that you’re not a mom after school or you’re free for the moment, that’s how baby #2 is made.
The only thing that gives me pause is what I saw working in the school system – kids who didn’t have the benefit of responsible parents, 40 yr old grandmas (Just call me Neecie! – I ain’t old enough to be a grannie! *smh*) unchecked sexual abuse (yes abuse, not sure of the stats but there is a lot gettin’ swept under the rug with us Black folks) – you name it, these kids have seen it and lived through it. So they’re in a flucked up situation. If no one will step up and help these kids become good parents (and many don’t have mom and dad filling that role) they are doomed to repeat it with their kids. Some will be triflin’ no matter what. Some will use the chance to improve their lives and the lives of their kids.
I think that the main issue is a lack of perspective. Sex sells – always has, always will. There’s a reason that prositution is the world’s oldest profession. What we see has gotten more graphic as time has gone on because we are losing our ability as a culture to be shocked. But sex has always been in the mix. Think: Cleopatra. Marylin Monroe. Eartha Kitt (RIP).
The problem, to me, comes around when you are young and there is no one in your personal life to negate the images that you see on tv. I worked in the schools for awhile, and was surprised at how many kids had no idea how fake videos are. And why would they know, when they have moms, older sibs, cousins, etc. that are LIVING what they see on tv. You try to call a parent/teacher conference about a student’s failing grades or behavior in class and you get a broke(r) down Lil’ Kim at the table. So the mom has already drank the Viacom kool-aid, how is she supposed to set an example for her daughter? No relationship oriented man in sight, just a string of “dates” and dudes she is messing with. Dudes who spend the night but run at the thought of a family activity. Fortunately, some of these kids define themselves and their sexuality in opposition to what they’ve seen in the home. But most just follow what they’ve seen.
So back to perspective. I saw a lot of sex as a kid – after all, I’m part of the Wrecks-n-Effect, Pumps and a Bump, Madonna gone completely out of her mind with the S.E.X. book generation. Buut…..that was on TV, not REALITY. My reality included a mom and dad who let it be known that my life would end (literally) with a pregnancy. One of my parent’s favorite sayings was that they didn’t give a dayum about what other kids were doing, let alone some stange actor kids on tv. Did I feel “left out” at times? Yep. Was I mad? Sure. Did I mouth off? Of course. Am I eternally grateful now, and will continue that message with my future kids? Take a guess.
@Lil’T,
“My reality included a mom and dad who let it be known that my life would end (literally) with a pregnancy. One of my parent’s favorite sayings was that they didn’t give a dayum about what other kids were doing, let alone some stange actor kids on tv.”
the fear of the parental wrath I think is good…good ole honest age appropriate dialouge about se!x with your kids is good as well..
I got a an age appropriate ear full…SOMETIMES TOO MUCH..I came from a family that wasn’t afraid to candidly talk about se!x.
when you do that..i think you demystify all the “i gotta try it cause momma daddy and nem won’t really talk about it”.
i think it starts with (and we;ve talked about this here on vsb before) speaking open and honestly about anatomical parts….makes me wanna puke when grown @zz women are calling their vagin!a’s little pet names they learned when they were 2.
@Princess Duvet,
“I came from a family that wasn’t afraid to candidly talk about se!x.”
I should say my MOTHER and even some of my father;s people were VERY candid..the others had some repression going on.
@Princess Duvet,
Now see, my vajajay loves her nicknames, lol. But you’re right – parents are the protectors! There were a few things that my dad considered to be “part of his job” as a parent:
- Keeping my mom and me from killing each other when he wasn’t home.
- Making sure his family had a relationship with GOD (the responsibility was on him)
- Making sure my bro and I graduated from H.S. and became productive members of society.
- To achieve all of this: make sure we didn’t have no babies in high school!
@Lil’T,
i totally agree..fathers (and most dervitives therein are probably key here).particularly as it relates to women children. My refraining asisde from no boys to direclty have se!x with (all girls highschool)..was what would my grandfather and uncles think of me…along with some fear.
On top of which ..the little damatha boys (our bro. school)..we’re kickin game at our “ice cream social” that granddaddy and nem were already telling me they would kick..so it was old hat, by the time they tried to kick it over some rocky road..LOL
@Lil’T,
sounds like your father set a good example. that’s man sh*t right there!
i see myself taking phonte of lb’s approach:
“i had to tell my son cut that bullshyt off… them ain’t video’s, n*gga, that’s pyschological warfare.”
we do need parents to offset what kids see on tv or hear & see at school around their peers.
@SouthernCharm,
Girl, you ain’t neva lied – my daddy was the ISHT. Don’t have me all emotional on this here blog, please. I miss him more than anything.
He and my mom made sure we were kids for as long as possible. No, it wasn’t cute for me to do grown dances as a little kid. And my dad was extra quick to pop me right in the lips when I was sassin’. To this day I blame him for why my lips are so small – he smacked all the air out! They couldn’t control what we saw and heard every day, but they made sure our home was a haven from some of the rougher stuff. And when we asked, they told us. And they both kept us in constant, daily, Father Help My Child prayer…
@Lil’T,
“Girl, you ain’t neva lied…”
I am a boy!
@SouthernCharm,
Sorry, SC! I always get you and Southern Girl mixed up when I’m reading fast (ie. when the boss ain’t lookin’).
P.S. – that quote made me think of Kat Williams in the bathroom in Friday After Next.
@Lil’T,
“Sorry, SC! I always get you and Southern Girl mixed up when I’m reading fast (ie. when the boss ain’t lookin’).
P.S. – that quote made me think of Kat Williams in the bathroom in Friday After Next.”
it’s cool! that kat williams quote was the first thing that popped in my head when i read your comment.
@SouthernCharm,
I think you and Southern Girl need to come up with some “indicators” that go next to your name so “skimmers” (i’m lookin at YOU Lil’T) can tell quickly if they are answering the boy or the girl.
LMAO
@Lil’T,
I’ll ask you again. Did you grow up in my household?
- Keeping my mom and me from killing each other when he wasn’t home.
Especially this one.
My dad was the mediator between my mother and me from say age 14 to age 16. 
@AquaSula,
Maybe, lol! I don’t know what it is about mothers and daughters, but at some point you just become mortal enemies.
I’m not surprised by that statistic. 48% sounds about right to me, and definitely fits in with the folks I knew back in high school. I really dont think times have changed that much. It’s the media that hypes up a lot of the stereotypes we see.
Television and movies make it seem like your teen years are the best times ever: Absentee parents, Parties, Panties and P*nis all over the place. If they portrayed an average high schoolers life they wouldn’t find too much. More like pimples, homework, and painfully redundant school days.
Like a few of the posters above mentioned, its one thing to have sex and a whole other can of worms to have a kid in high school. I’d rather know kids were screwing at 12 and using protection (prooves they’re somewhat educated about it) than having babies at 16. And again at 18.
@Dom,
I’d rather know kids were screwing at 12 and using protection (prooves they’re somewhat educated about it) than having babies at 16. And again at 18.
lol…i’d rather not know any of these things
@The Champ,
As would I. But if I had to choose the first is the lesser of the two evils.
The statistics (and perceptions) don’t surprise me at all. When I was in high school, I remember reading Cosmo at my aunt’s beauty shop and the men folk there were gettin upset that my mom was letting me read it…(like I really knew what I was reading about). Not to mention friends whose mothers didn’t like me hanging out with their daughters because they thought I was a bad influence on them. Maybe it was because I was so quiet? I don’t know. Funny thing was, their daughters were the ones telling me about their escapades…oftentimes letting guys into their house, dippin off during church services, or sneaking out when their parents least expected it. Me? I didn’t even try; my father worked security my whole life, and I wasn’t even TRYIN to be out of a home before college (seriously!). I even had a nurse in high school who snidely remarked “yeah, ok” when I told her I wasn’t active.
Then you had the other side – adults suggesting that I shouldn’t be so prude and have a little fun. Man, if I knew then what I know now, I might’ve had to let my reflexes slip and back-hand a few of them…
I think one of the reasons why adults think the number is higher is due to the way teenage girls dress…in addition to how soon they develop nowadays. I remember not understanding (and seriously getting upset) when my father wouldn’t let me wear tank tops or baby tees. If girls are seeing it on their favorite shows or in music videos (which I was), then they think it’s stylish and ok. Only thing is, a good number of teenage girls see those images through innocent eyes, while adults (and teenage boys), see those images in a completely different light.
@peachi,
Girl, that dress is a mess! Did you know dey sellin’ thongs for little girls? THONGS!!! Because visible pany lines are unseemly for pre-schoolers??!? Where’s Miss T Lee? We need a throat punch on aisle 3…
My dad was as old fashioned as you can get – my mom had to intervene on a few occassions and convince him to let me out the door in something that showed even a little shape. I just don’t get dressing your little girls and boys like the junior version of what you see on the videos. I’m lookin’ at you Monica, wit yo wack-azz line of kids clothes. *smh*
@Lil’T, “Girl, that dress is a mess! Did you know dey sellin’ thongs for little girls? THONGS!!! Because visible pany lines are unseemly for pre-schoolers??!? Where’s Miss T Lee? We need a throat punch on aisle 3…”
Here ya go chickie…
*throat punch*
Trust me I ran into this when I was shopping for a gift for my god-daughter (5). I was like WTF is up with these halter-tops and low rise jeans in the children’s section? Can’t little girls dress like little girls instead of minature women?
I don’t think that ish is cute, at all!
@miss t-lee,
Thanks, Miss T – seeing what they put out here for my 8 yr old niece gives me gray hairs and makes me hyperventilate. I mean, I was really cool in my colored leggings and oversize t-shirt (with side ponytail and pink sparkle BK’s) at that age, can’t we bring that style back?
@Lil’T, miss t-lee
*side stepping mentions of leggins, oversized t-shirt and BK’s. lol*
mayne….i used to work at vicki’s and forget about the real youngin’s…i had to fix my face when the junior high girls would come in there to buy thongs. i just DIED everytime. i probably wouldn’t make it one walk through in the little girls section.
matter of fact i know i wouldn’t. i was in the mall the other day and passed by the limited too and just had to stop and stare for a moment cause that is not how limited too looked when i was little.
@Lil’T,
Ya feel me?
Nothing was wrong with t-shirts, leggings and baby doll tops, short sets, overalls, ya know?
I had them pink and white LA Gear’s with the double laces…couldn’t tell me nothin’!!! lol
@miss t-lee, “Nothing was wrong with t-shirts, leggings and baby doll tops, short sets, overalls, ya know? I had them pink and white LA Gear’s with the double laces…couldn’t tell me nothin’!!! lol”
LOL!! I had those same LA Gear’s! LOL!
it really is unfortunate how clothes are being made for small girls and teens. I can’t imagine my niece wearing a thong!!! Ridiculous. When did world just go to hell, b/c I feel just like yesterday, I was rocking short sets and pigtails?
@miss t-lee,
I remember mentioning the dearth of good old fashioned Underoos and Osh Kosh B’Gosh when I was shopping for my god children for Christmas. After I saw some woman who looked like Sheneneh picking up a halter top and holding it up to a 4 year old and saying “Ooooh, you gonna look so cute in this!” I was 3 seconds away from torching the children’s section of Macy’s. Seriously.
@blackberry molasses,
*more sighs* this reminds me of the toddler i saw in the purple two piece halter leather outfit on complete with the belly out and accompanying stroller and ghetto fabulous mama by her side.
@blackberry molasses,
Sad, just sad.
@miss t-lee,
thongs 4 kids?The parents who buy this shit need salvation!
@peachi,
welcome and sh*t
@The Champ, thank ya
@peachi,
welcome!!!
*shooting gold stars*
@SouthernGirl, thank ya
@peachi,
Welcome!!!
**Diva Dust v. 2.0 ™**
@blackberry molasses, and thank ya =)
After S.e.x Ed in the 6th grade, the dialog about it at home changed from “wait til you’re older” to “this is how you do it and if you do it, this is what will happen and if that happens I hope you’re prepared to live on the streets cuz that’s where you’ll be messing wit me”
I knew a girl who was 18 still in the 10th grade b/c she kept having babies and I would think “if sex makes you that dumb…I’m soooo cool on that!” And whenever I found out one of my friends started have the chex…. I distanced myself, cuz that wasn’t me, which could explain why I never dated in hs.
@Ro,
you know, i never really had the awkward “sex” talk with my parents. i just always knew that i was a selfish bastard, and didnt want to be taking care of anyone except myself
@The Champ,
The s3x talk with my parents was more than awkward. It went a little like this…
Mom and Pops – Wait until you get to college to have sex and ALWAYS use protection.
Mom – And wait until you’ve been dating a guy for at least six months before you sleep with him.
Pops – NOBODY is gonna sit around waitin on you for 6 months. The guy will definitely be sleeping with other people until you make up your mind.
Pops to Mom – And YOU didn’t make me wait 6 months! So don’t hold our daughter to standards you didn’t meet.
Me – *completely silent*
The end.
@Voiceofreason
“Pops to Mom – And YOU didn’t make me wait 6 months! So don’t hold our daughter to standards you didn’t meet.”
LMAO. Not Pops put Mama on blast. Hilarious!
@V Renee,
My father is a mess! He’s probably the most realistic father on the planet. He always tells it like it is.
i think i just died 8 tiny deaths at this “sex talk”
@Outrageous G.E.M.,
I had far too many sex talks before I went away to FAMU. They were more like “don’t get turned out talks” by every man that knew me. Uncles, cousins, men from church, my aunts’ boyfriends, etc. My grandfather was probably the funniest. He told me the only man I need in my life is Jesus and to “stay away from those slick ninjas at that black school.” I still think he prays men out of my life!
lmao girrrrl i had the “don’t get turned out” talks too from errybody and they mama BUT my mama lol. i was going to Hot-Lanta and they just knew i–the goody goody straight A miss priss–was going to be hot in the pants the second i stepped onto the grounds of the AUC. boy were they wrong lol. many a dudes ended up being “officially chopped and screwed” tryna get at me.
@Outrageous G.E.M.,
You too? Lol. Many men at FAM tried and failed.
@Outrageous G.E.M.,
lmao!! I think T-Pain wrote that song based on experiences with some SC women!!!
My mom wasn’t worried at all b/c she just knew those Morehouse men were good, respectful, and just as pure as I was. LOL!!! Boy was she wrong!!. Even my grondmother didn’t want me to go to Atlanta b/c she thought city girls and boys were too fast, and I would get caught up with someone or something I didn’t want. She was wrong. Most of my friends and close associates were not the ones on that list they made every year of certain girls. smh… LOL!! But, a lot of my classmates fell for the okeydoke during my first year….got to Atlanta and lost their minds….freedom is a hell of a drug.
@Voiceofreason,
lol! your pops put your mom all the way out there
@Voiceofreason,
i almost choked on my soup.
@Voiceofreason,
This is classic. Comedy doesn’t get any purer than this.
@Voiceofreason,
“Pops – NOBODY is gonna sit around waitin on you for 6 months. The guy will definitely be sleeping with other people until you make up your mind.”
OMG! Im dying over here! This is hilariuos! I know Moms was pissssseeed!
@Dom,
AShe was more so shocked and at a loss for words just like me. I laughed after I did a recap of the convo in my head.
@Ro,
i got the sex ed crash course in middle school. but never had the “awkward sex talk” with my parents. i remember my mom giving me the “What’s Happening to My Body” book for young girls and having the following convo…
madre: i assume you know about sex…?
me: yes
madre: do you and your friends talk about it?
me: sometimes
madre: well i think you should wait til you’re married to be in a responsible sexual relationship. but if you do decide one day you’re going to do it, you know you have to use protection and be safe right?
me: yes
and that was pretty much it. i think my mom knew deep down inside i had no interest in giving it up to some knucklehead and there were never any boys i liked that much. after a girl in my 8th grade class had a baby, she did launch into the this-is-what-will-happen-if-you-get-preggers rant. but i didn’t even like kids like that and i was TERRIFIED of dirty diapers so she didn’t have to warn me too much.
and of course, my dad just said “well you can’t date til you’re 30 anyway. focus on school and music. i don’t want to have to call your brothers to take out some lil boy.” *smh*
@Ro,
I never had the awkward sex talk. My mom was a social worker, and all of her clients were former teen moms with 3-6 kids, 2-3 baby fathers, and still living with there parents (mothers). She would tell us horror stories about these young (19-23) women, and her cases involving teenagers trying to get WIC, and teens getting tested for and contracting STD’s…that was enough for me. That and her stern warning that I better not embarass and disgrace her, my father, or myself in such a way.
@Ro, for me it wasn’t really a ‘talk’ that i had with my mother. don’t get me wrong, i was definitely afraid of my mother. but the truth is she had me on lock down in the burgh and sent me to private all-girl schools. so, really it was my environment that kept me chaste (and the fact that i was black, which limited my potential for matchmaking during co-ed after school activities). but that last year of high school when fate redirected me to public school, is when my hormones were really tested. bottom line: my mother’s words had little effect on my choice of abstinence. instead it was my environment more than anything that kept my libido in check.
@Miss Patterson,
That works too. Trust and believe she knew what she was doing when she decided to send you to that school. Parents aint slick!
Yeah, I’m glad the chex talk wasn’t awkward…my pops discussed it like a medical procedure (thanks dr. daddy!) and my momma gave the religious aspect, then the womanly aspect. When they dropped me off at Norfolk State they gave me a list of “ninjas to stay away from” which consisted of seniors, football, basketball, baseball, track team, physical therapy majors, art or music majors, omegas, kappas, and the popular freshman.
Lol… I think I still have that list in a scrapbook somewhere!!!
@Ro,
LMAO at the list of ‘Dudes You Dare Not Do the Do With”
Man jimmy johns the mcdonalds of sub sandwich shops. I love the #9 w/ cherry peppers and alfalfa sprouts. The Champ this kind of means that females are winning the ‘let’s do it, no let’s not’ battle. Or it’s just the numbers situation. For every 8 girls born there are 6 boys born (or something like that). Why? I don’t know. Maybe the morels of society melding w/ I think western Christian ideals? @ The same time I wonder what this is like the world over? Just wondering.
@WuDaMan,
The Champ this kinda means that females are winning the ‘lets do it, no let’s not’ battle. Or it’s just the numbers sittuation. for every 8 girls born there are 6 boys born (or something like that).
please expound and sh*t
@The Champ, holy smokes all day I thought you had responded please don’t expound. lol.
Any way back when I was in college one of the sage sidewalk councilors stated, ‘It’s the girls job to tell us guys no and It’s our job as guys to ask for some nukie.’ If all guys want to and ask to then the girls who are saying no are getting the better of the askers? And maybe (speaking to the more women than men) there is a bit of a bandwagon effect w/ the women; maybe they have a circle that supports and makes them most comfortable w/ saying no. Are we just counting heterocecksual cecks?
@WuDaMan,
“‘It’s the girls job to tell us guys no and It’s our job as guys to ask for some nukie.’ ”
I agree here..btw..maybe Im overly skimming but most of the resulting threads never fully got around to (how does perception and actual data actually play out for adults), ie are men slu!t bags???i think we’ve all discussed how men’s prevailing thoughts when approaching us is to get us in the bed in previous posts.
So my answer: Men ARE sl!ut bags, generally..but they certainly aren’t having se!x by themselves.
@Princess Duvet, and the two shall become one flesh. lol. birds of a feather. all dogs wake up w/ fleas. like disolves like. actually what’s a married freak??? a freak exactly. so long as people got working genetles they gonna wanna do it unless there is some kinda prevailing way of thinking against bumping uglies.
My son is 7 now, so when he gets older, I’m just tellin him that if he has s3x, HE…WILL… DIE.
Don’t judge me. We all gotta do what works for us.
j/k
@nia,
lol…i dont think you’re kidding though
@nia,
“I’m just tellin him that if he has s3x, HE…WILL… DIE. ”
no judgement…but SOME fear is good..but fear also turns SOME kids on too..
i dunno actually discussing se!x in an age appropriate way might also work..just a thought.
@Princess Duvet,
and i also wonder how much of that fear actually..perpetuates the “buck wild” 20s…if you’re having ongoing conversations..I would think its not that big of deal by the time you “get grown”. I would still be concerned about my grown kids ..tryna figure out if “fire is really hot”..and other stupid decisions they make just because they can..
@Princess Duvet,
As much as fear is a good deterrent, I think the better approach is to tailorize things to each kid.
Fear would have definitely not worked for me if that’s what my parents tried. But they knew me and used a completely different tactic (i.e reverse psychology) to get me to do what they wanted.
Education is child-based, I believe. More than fear I would say Respect. I am not afraid of my parents, never was, never will but I do respect them so much that there are certain things that won’t even cross my mind to do… then and now.
@AquaSula,
“As much as fear is a good deterrent, I think the better approach is to tailorize things to each kid..”
thats where i was kinda of getting..though some fear is good FOR MOST, in fact, most don’t do things based on a little fear (at least I HOPE) along with a healthy dose of the golden rule and good conscience.
but even on my own blog I notice when I talk about se!x people are often writing that they never got the parental “discussions” (even about their own bodies)..it was always framed in a DONT DO IT context with a few pet names thrown in for a good cutesy measure. Which I believe might also be why we as adults aren’t having healthy dating relationships AND conversations with our own BED MATES/and potentiaSO’s etc.
talking=good.
Actually to me talking is primary..when a smart kid is able to articulate as it relates to HIS/HER own thoughts and not JUST because mamma/daddy said not to is sort of ideal.
tailored is a good word..however to me it is a tailored age appropriate mix.
@Princess Duvet,
Actually to me talking is primary..when a smart kid is able to articulate as it relates to HIS/HER own thoughts and not JUST because mamma/daddy said not to is sort of ideal
Wisdom!
@nia, Depends on the type of child he is. I didn’t have chex because I didn’t want to get pregnant. I didn’t want to get pregnant because I didn’t want to shame my family AND I was pretty sure if I got knocked up, I’d be stuck in Detroit and sentences to a life of bright colors, gators, and hard hair.
@nia,
I actually think FEAR is a good tactic. What is wrong with a little fear? Its a natural in-born instinct in all animals for a reason. God don’t make no mistakes. The key question is “fear of WHAT?”
Fear of their parents? That’s counterproductive to the relationship. No open honest dialogue means you will find out he got some chick pregnant when her daddy shows up on your doorstep with a shotgun.
Fear of negative consequences (disease, death, babies?) Might work… might not. Some people like to live on the edge.
I think fear of not living your best possible life is the one that works. It somewhat includes all of these things– letting your family and yourself down, new unexpected SERIOUS responsbility, losing your freedom, possibly deadly disease….
Its important to know your child. My mom knew she had a kid with a big mouth and big dreams. She made me fear losing the ability to acheieve my goals. That my vision for my life would evaporate before my very eyes. It worked for me. But that doesn’t necessarily mean it will work for someone else’s kid
She is also an old school African mom (which was also her ace in the hole– she was creative with the euphemisms and punishments)
I think fear of not living your best possible life is the one that works. It somewhat includes all of these things– letting your family and yourself down, new unexpected SERIOUS responsbility, losing your freedom, possibly deadly disease….
good point BBMo
@blackberry molasses,
I think fear of not living your best possible life is the one that works. It somewhat includes all of these things– letting your family and yourself down, new unexpected SERIOUS responsbility, losing your freedom, possibly deadly disease….
My sister’s boyfriend was saying the other day that he wants to talk to my dad to figure out how he managed to do “it”… And we couldn’t come up with what “it” really is.
But I think you just summed it up. That’s the actual reason why kids will not mess up. This is “it” in a nutshell.
The fear of the waste of potential
Powerful stuff!
Our perception of almost anything that is happening will be flawed.
Case in point: my sister is taking a Population Analysis class. The teacher asked the class how much they think Immigration has increased since let’s say the 1950′s. Most answers ranged from 50% to 100%. Turns out the immigration numbers are still the same as they were back then, give or take a couple of percentage points. What has changed however is the composition of said group of immigrants.
But I digress.
All of this to say that perception (in this case of promiscuity) will always indeed be flawed. Why?
1. Someone who flucks around: if the person considers f#cking around to be “bad behavior”, it alleviates guilt to think that everybody else does it anyways. It just makes them breathe a little easier.
2. Someone who does not fluck around: Again if they consider flucking around to be “bad behavior”, it puts them on a pedestal if everybody around is flucking left and right. They won’t feel special if everybody else actually doesn’t sleep around.
Basically, it’s minds playing tricks on folks.
@AquaSula, I like this comment. And “don’t fool yourself and remember, You are the easiest person to fool” Dr. Richard P. Feynman. The Champ did have some real stats though.
good points. very insightful.
I started to have s3x late in life because I was terrified about what could happen to me physically and emotionally and I was afraid to disappoint my parents. It also helped that the selection of guys at my high school was horrible. Mostly a bunch of scrawny 2520s. I used to beg my mom to let me go to a Pittsburgh public school but there was no way in h3ll she’d let that happen. She taught high school and she knew those boys were itching to get at me. They used to beg her to let me go to the school where she taught.
I was encouraged to wait until I got to college to be s3xually active because I’d likely be mature enough to handle the consequences.
This is off topic but are any Pgh VSBers going out to watch the Super Bowl or are folks staying at home?
*pgh VSBer weighing in* i’ll be in Fox Chapel watching the game at my research advisor’s “mansion”. so it’s going out of my apt, but not really out at a public establishment lol. folks is CRAZY when the Steelers are in the SB. i was at a a friend’s apt in Shadyside, right off Ellsworth a few years back. at the end of the game, ALL of Ellsworth was flooded with ppl. i was kinda scared for my life lol.
@Outrageous G.E.M.,
Thanks! I’m afraid to go out to watch the game. It was crazy enough when we won the championship I wanna have people over but everybody I know wants to go to a sports bar.
@Outrageous G.E.M., this is true. my friend had an apartment right off of walnut street in 2006 and people were streaking like ‘frank the tank’ in freezing temperatures. gotta love it!
LMAO @ frank the tank!! yes chil’, 2520s (esp) are CRAZY about their Stillers. i mean, a win in the regular season makes everyone happy for the whole week. a playoff win ignites the whole city into pure bliss. a Super Bowl win?? almost as dangerous as an LA riot, just with a different type of energy LOL.
You know what everybody should be faulking and slucking all day every day it feels good don’t it. Just like helping @ that soup kitchen for thanksgiving and stuff. And the vd riddled should be quarentined according to their specific vd… and altruism should be a real part of everybody’s reality. Comunism w/o the greed. Free Love. Peace for the masses. Get on the faulking work out plan.
@WuDaMan,
Only you would make this sounds as funny as it does.
@AquaSula, Well Deviant ain’t been here @ least I ain’t seen em. So I felt some outside the box was in order.
i just know when i was in high school, i wasn’t the only one not having chex. all my friends were abstaining as well. the girls that were having chex we considered skeets. this changed when i got to college. i made friends with girls similar to myself… decent and wholesome. then i found out they were all having chex too. everyone was. i was like “i got some catching up to do….”
it makes complete sense… it definitely became more acceptable as i became older to be chexually active. i think this would be the case for most, right?
@laylah,
you had me at “skeets”
after reading Voiceofreason’s comment about why she didn’t have sex at a younger age, i got to thinking as well about my own choices about sexuality as a teenager. i too feared unwanted pregnancy, contracting some STD or HIV, disappointing my parents. but i think even more than those things, i was taught (by my parents and older siblings) that my body was MINE and was special. i was taught to love myself and not do things just becuz “everybody else is doing it”. i was taught to weigh my options and make informed, smart decisions. i was taught that boys will come and go and often times only want whats between my legs but not what’s between my ears and behind my eyes. i was taught to love my freedom, pursue my dreams, cherish knowledge and that there were many things (including boys and unfortunate consequences of of premature sexual behavior–mentally, physically, emotionally) that could ruin all that. i was taught that sex wasn’t the only way to be gratified, satisfied, pleased, or loved. i was taught that good things come to those who wait, so what was the point in rushing?? i mean hell, i didn’t really start drinking alcohol (minus occasional wine w/ dinner or sunday brunch mimosas with the parentals) until i was 21.
basically, i was taught that i was more than a vadge to be “beat up” / “hit” / “smashed” / “tore up”. and even more so that there is value in a good, meaningful sexual relationship when the circumstances are right and appropriate. and there was no shame in recognizing my self-worth and exercising my right to cherish my body as much as my mind and soul.
i just hope i can teach my future children the same values. i’m already practicing sharing these ideals and values to my church kids, whom i sincerely care for like younger siblings. i can’t prevent bad choices from being made, but i’m damn sure going to make sure they are exposed to alternatives perspectives and help them realize their options and the consequences of their actions.
@Outrageous G.E.M.,
Mad generous sprinkling of Diva Dust v. 2.0 ™ for you e-sis!!!!
i’m relieved that the statistics are not as alarming as i once believed, but i must admit that my concern with this issue is not nearly as heightened as when i worked directly with adolescents in a mentor program i once involved in many years ago. i’m actually more concerned with the level of promiscuity within my own generation pool. out here in la la land it seems like no one has any discretion about who they f*ck. and that’s what scary…you have no idea who’s f*cking whom, and how protected they are when they’re doing it. that’s why i wear armour.
@Miss Patterson,
“. i’m actually more concerned with the level of promiscuity within my own generation pool. ”
i actually…just typed a similiar response to Wu.
out here in la la land it seems like no one has any discretion about who they f*ck. and that’s what scary…you have no idea who’s f*cking whom, and how protected they are when they’re doing it. that’s why i wear armour.
i feel you but i think this aloofness about screwing any and everybody without discretion is happening ALL over (big cities, small towns, inner cities, rural counties, etc) and amongst ALL ages– no one is really exempt based on generation or geography.
As a parent, 50% seems like a whole hell of a lot.
heck(-ck+ll) yeah it’s skewed…the perception is rooted in the truth of the minority…and broadcast by media, including underground and non-tradtional outlets…sex is sensational…and gets attention…whether it’s negative or positive attention has yet to be determined…all attention ain’t good attention…