*Admin. Note: Sorry I forgot to post this earlier. The VSB NYC Meetup (it ain’t really a Happy Hour) is on and poppin’ for this Saturday, October 3, at Latitude Bar & Grill on 8th Avenue (between 47th and 48th Street). Let’s say around 8pm. If you can make it great. Come party with Panama and Liz. The Champ is on the run from NYC hooligans ever since his NYC overrated post. I’m not getting a section, necessarily as the folks at Latitude said we should be okay in there without a special area though if its looking like I’ll need one, I’ll drop the dough for it as long as folks rain alcohol on me like an SWV song. Anyway. Hope to see you New Yorkers there. Let’s hear it for Neeew Yoooooooooork!*
The good people of VSB are no strangers to marriage proposals. And don’t even get me started on V.E.G. and her multiple marriage proposals! Well, one of the most imporant parts of a marriage proposal is the ring that comes with it. Right or wrong, people (mostly women actually) view the ring as the true testament of the man’s love. The bigger it is, the more he loves you.
I see you nodding your head in disagreement over there. Don’t even try it. You ladies know you judge the quality of a woman’s relationship by the size of the ring. Or at the very least, come to some type of determination of the man’s true desires.
It’s all bogus.
To the ring.
I happened to be perusing The Frisky tonight looking for blog fodder when I came across an article that referenced something I’d heard about on the radio: the idea that an engagement ring is actually a bad investment (especially in these current economic times). I’ve heard this stated before, usually by some cat trying to conjure up a reason good enough not to drop 10 stacks on what basically amounts to a really expensive bauble for women to show off and to other women as some sort of validation of her man’s love.
Now, I understand the reason why women love engagement rings so much. For one, its jewelry. For two, women like tangible expressions of love for some reason. Flowers, cards, BMW’s all make women feel loved and wanted so it stands to reason that a ring specifically intended to be an expression of love and commitment would mean the world to her. But if you think about it, that ring can usually represent as much as an actual down payment on a house. Banks aren’t doing 100 percent financing anymore so the $10K a woman is wearing on her left hand really could be a down payment on a house.
It would seem that the simple solution would be to not spend so much on a ring, which I suppose comes down to knowing your woman and what she could live with. But assuming a general desire for a ring let’s look at this from the perspective of the young urban professional. That guy can’t just go buy a $1K ring and his woman be satisfied. It’s quite likely that she’ll want a ring that is more indicative of her social status. $1K just won’t do it. But that also means that spending $10K isn’t unreasonable. So it’s like you either pay a grip or face humiliation and possible rejection. It’s quite the conundrum.
What happens if buying the ring your woman really wants sets you all back in your ability to purchase a home? I mean it would seem rather selfish for her to say something like, “we can buy a house any time, but we only get married once.” While I understand the sentiment, doesn’t that seem a littel bass ackwards? A house helps build actual usable value whereas the rings value is all intrinsic. Then again, can you put a price on intrinsic value?
Isn’t this a lot of questions? The main crux is this: just how important is the ring in an engagement or marriage? Or rather, how important would it be to you (or is it to you if you are married)? It truly does seem like there are better investments to make, but I completely understand why a woman would want a ring.
So good people of VSB, just how important is the ring?
-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL, HE A 3
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{ 280 comments… read them below or add one }
I know this is going to put me among the minority of most women but I am not an engagement ring type of person…not the typical one, anyway. This is why I couldn’t say ‘yes’ to any of the multiple proposals I received ;-p. I figured if a guy ‘got’ me he’d know I was not into the solitaire. And yes: I gave all the rings back.
I’d rather rock a colored stone – emerald, please – or something vintage that has been in his family or nothing at all. Just a wedding band after the fact. I don’t get off on flashing a diamond to folks.
To be perfectly honest, I’d prefer a pair of engagement Loubou’s. Size 6. Thanks.
@V.E.G.,
What about a colored diamond? smoke, chocolate, black even, etc. Princess cut.
@The Hallway,
I don’t know if I’d feel comfortable with diamonds on my Loubou’s…
oh, you meant the ring…
@V.E.G., i agree completely. i was engaged once, and wasn’t in the least fussed about the ring bit – in fact, my real worry was around losing my wedding ring -(i’m scatterbrained like that) – i’m always misplacing little things….
also, where diamonds are concerned – i’m south african, and my granddad worked in those wretched mines, and it affected his family life drastically (basically, my dad and siblings grew up without a dad) coz the miners had to live in those infernal hostels and families weren’t allowed. today, more than 50 years later, it remains one of the most exploitative industries EVER for the miners. i hate hate hate it. south africa has a scandalous 66% safety rate in mines, people die like flies in those places.
conflict diamonds are certainly an issue in central and west africa – and diamonds from botswana and south africa are regarded as ethical – what a joke!! nobody talks about the inherent exploitativeness of the industry on the men who actually dig these shiny, useless rocks out of the earth. i don’t get diamonds, i really don’t. guess it’s just too close to home…
@superwoman,
I agree that a diamond shouldn’t be a must. I wouldn’t not accept a diamond. They are nice to look at but if I were to receive a nice precious stone, I’d be happy.
@Ivy St., i like the way you think.
@Panama Jackson,
Stop reading here! LOL! Don’t read my comments at the bottom.
@superwoman, as a fellow South African, words cannot do justice the exploitation and destruction that the mines have on Black African families. When I think of diamonds I also think of West and Central Africa, and of course…De Beers…can’t help it. That is the chief reason I am against diamonds but I digress.
So…engagement rings…I got married without one. I feel they are just another example of how love has been commercialized. In this institution of marriage… an engagement ring is expected cos…why? as a symbol of love? to stop people from hitting on you? the requirement of such and such many carats? 2 to 3 months worth of salary? must at least really dent the bank… anybody ever really ask why is one even needed nor desired?
An engagement ring is for u to show off. An indication of how much money was spent on something. I know plenty of cats that habitually throw loot at their women to shut them up, but that money is seen as evidence of love. smdh. If u need a ring to tell u/ur friends/hair dresser/random lady in the checkout line that ur man loves u, u need to take a step back and look at yoself in the mirror a lil more in depth…and hopefully u notice ur soon to be ex is givin u the side eye cos he startin to wonder just wut ur priorities are.
A friend spent almost $90K on a wedding and was divorced in just under 3 years. Another friend is still payin off an engagement ring and they been officially divorced for almost a year. He wanna propose to his current girl but gotta wait to pay off the last ring before gettin another one…cos she deserves it…how exactly? For agreeing to marry him?? (Shout out to Clay Davis)… Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit!!!
Folks focus all their attention on the ring/wedding day and once in a relationship they subconsciously do everything in their power to undermine the very thing the claim they want the most.
In summing up my humble opinion on engagement rings, I feel it only appropriate to leave with a quote from Immortal Technique, “Fuck that horse and carriage shit, her love was never for hire.”
@HabitualLineCrossa, i just can’t with the mining industry…. and they’ve done such an amazing PR job around the world of making people feel like they have arrived once they can afford this shiny, pointless rock.
meanwhile, every day black men die like flies in those mines….and that’s in the ‘good’ mines. don’t even get me started on conflict diamonds…
i worry that S.A. and bots have built their economies on this uselessness… what are diamonds, and all these other rocks good for, REALLY???
@superwoman, you are right the PR is simply amazing. They spread these ideas to folks that people become PR agents themselves. They create their own market making women demand/desire/deserve a certain type of stone, it should cost the man a certain amount or % of his check, he should work hard to purchase it. As if those that died mining it haven’t paid enough. Those that died before them haven’t paid enough. As if their families and the trickle down effect of their deaths haven’t been enough payment for these diamonds. I ask myself all the time…where is the uproar?? Where is the outcry?? The world pressure and ban on De Beers stones cos of its practices? Folks come up to me all the time and say man, u should be back home mining diamonds and shit…smdh…add to that they just found like a 506 (not sure of accuracy here) carat diamond or something that ridiculous in nature just the other day. The evil is here to stay. And as always, Black people are the ones getting the shaft.
Ok…as for the actual minerals…I believe THE COUNTRY and THE PEOPLE should benefit from the minerals its land is blessed with, just not at the humanitarian expense De Beers, its various subsidiaries/partners seem to be alright with. But life is so cut throat there that De Beers & Co team up with Black empowerment companies and have their own do more of the same in the name of a piece of the pie…
And even funnier, is we haven’t even begun discussing conflict diamonds lol…I swear u gotta laugh cos if u don’t u might end up effin somebody up.
WOOOOOOOOOSAAAAAAAAHHH!!!
@superwoman,
Whenever rings come up I use the conflict diamond argument for why I have no plans to buy one. I am not in anyway sentimental, and if I have to waste money on rings and ceremonies, I will more than likely stay single.
@V.E.G.,
I’d prefer a Ruby over a clear cut diamond but… #KanyeShrug
@Luvvie,
Rubies rock my socks. And the ruby is my birthstone, naturally.
@Cheekie,
yo tambien
@Gem of the Ocean,
*dap*
I don’t wear a lot of rings…my limit is one at a time (I might change that if I get an engagement ring, but I’ll see…), and the one I primarily rock is my college class ring…rockin’ the ruby. It’s such a pretty stone…I lucked out.
@Cheekie,
the only ring i rock these days is my class ring too!! i wear it every day. i wear “costume” jewelry when i go out though. i LOVE big rings to set off a fly outfit.
but my class ring has 6 tiny diamonds in it, which is part of a tradition for the “college seal” styled SC rings. at least that’s what they told me lol. i love it either way!
@Gem of the Ocean,
HAHA, my class ring is rockin’ the tiny diamonds as well, though I only have two.
And yup, I do the costume jewelry when going out, too! I love it!
@V.E.G.,
“I’d rather rock a colored stone – emerald, please”
I so agree, I’m more into sapphire, although green looks good on me.
To answer the question, I don’t really care. It’s easy to get caught up in the oohs and ahhs of the big shiny rock, but that’s all it is, a big shiny rock…who cares. It doesn’t say a thing about your relationship, at all. My only concern would be if it was conflict free. I’ve grown to dislike diamonds, my mom’s from Sierra Leone and I’ve seen what the diamond trade has done to the country.
@V.E.G., I know this is going to put me among the minority of most women
i do think you’re amongst the minorty of most women…
…except clearly here at VSB where all of the women are enlightened or something. I mean how in the hell is it possible that we managed to find all the women in America who are less concerned about the ring.
i’m slightly impreseed with this…or would be if i actually believed that everybody really felt that way.
@Panama Jackson, LMBO. I guess I am the minority here on this board reading some of these comments.
I ain’t lying, I like diamonds and nice shiny gifts. And yes, was very happy with the ring I was presented with.
Funny though since I had the baby a few months ago I only wear the band on most days. But I still lovez my ring.
@Panama Jackson,
Co-sign my brother. This all sounds great…too bad it is only an illusion.
Bond.
@V.E.G.,
i wouldnt mind rocking some precious colored-gem over a diamond either. this precious Gem loves her some sapphires and rubies
but i want an engagement ring. AND wedding band. BOF. that is non-negotiable.
@V.E.G.,
Okay what about jade?
@WuDaMan,
the 90s R&B sensation? what do they have to with anything?
@Deviant,
LOL. I was gonna say The Mortal Kombat character.
@Cheekie,
Or that bad movie from the 90′s.
@miss t-lee, how about Race’s love interest on Jonny Quest?
@V.E.G.,
It must be the Louisiana in ya! In francophone cultures, engagement rings are unheard of… so yeah, I def feel you. I will rock an heirloom in a minute, but my momma an ‘em all rock their wedding bands…
Honestly I feel like I’m gonna do my best to get the future love of my life the ring that she deserves but if I can’t afford it I’m going to the best that I can. I believe there is a difference between being cheap and getting the best ring that you can get. If she doesn’t appreciate that and my undying love and desire to live with her for the rest of my life and rejects the ring and my proposal then we won’t be together. Yeah it would hurt like hell but I’ll be better off in the long run probably because she’s probably not right for me.
@A-Town Genius,
“If she doesn’t appreciate that and my undying love and desire to live with her for the rest of my life and rejects the ring and my proposal then we won’t be together.”
If she rejects your proposal over the ring and ONLY the ring, knowing you can’t afford much else, then she’s a selfish biznotch who may be best as a cat lady
@A-Town Genius,
“I’m gonna do my best to get the future love of my life the ring that she deserves.”
@Ivy St.,
i liked that too
@A-Town Genius,
Deserves……..
Who determines that? How is it determined what is “deserved”?
I’ve never gotten any proposals, but I’d like to say I think a bit more practical in future terms. I’d love for a guy to say, “Hey, I want to make the ultimate commitment to you, and I’d like to start it here– in our [Price is Right announcer voice] BRAND NEW HOUSE!!! [/Price is Right announcer voice]. I’m all for stability and whatnot, so the house (or heck, even a starter retirement fund) just seems like a more sound investment.
For me, that would just show more of a lasting commitment, in place of a ring I’d probably lose one day before going to the shower. I’ll tell you what though: You buy me a house, I won’t give a crap about something on my finger. If it’s that big of a deal, I’ll go to the Targets and get me a Cubal Zirconium, or one of them pretty turquoise stones. I’ll still love ya.
@Beez,
“I’d probably lose one day before going to the shower.”
Sadly enough, this is my biggest fear. I can’t keep track of anything!
@Beez,
see, to me buying a house is NECESSARY for starting a new family and building a HOME. so a man wouldnt get brownie points for showing me a house note. i mean, i plan on putting in on those mortgage payments too. where else am i gone live? i refuse to raise a family in an apartment if we got the means to be homeowners. and i can get a retirement plan going on the j-o-b.
the ring is extra. and to me is a true GIFT a man would be giving to me as a symbol of wanting to spend the rest of his life with me and i with him. and no, the house’s down payment shouldn’t be sacrificed in order to buy the ring, but dammit just like with any other material gift you need to be saving up. cuz i want a ring.
I’m not married, but I am kind of
cheapfrugal, so I feel like a ring isn’t the most important thing in the world. Not to mention the fact that I’ve never been a jewelry person. I’d SO take the house. lolFor example, my friend’s brother just had a $35,000 wedding and had to move back into his parents house with his new wife until he could afford an apartment. To me, this was bass ackwards and I had to give them the side eye – even though the wedding was amazing. I’m not sure how much her ring cost, but if the wedding was 30,000 I’m sure the ring was up there, too. *side eye, again*
Sure, stunning diamonds are great… unless we can’t afford it. Let’s be smart here, people, k? Now… if we CAN afford it? Hey. Go get me some Real bling bling. lol
@Selah, personally, i plan not to even have a wedding. as much as i love flowers, dresses and ish, in the grand scheme of things its just irrational. plus, its a waste of money. i actually have plans for my alternative, its awesome!
and i’d so lose a ring, i def would not do a diamond of any sort, i don’t know, i’m still thinking of something i wouldnt lose lol.
@overit,
I would like to not have a traditional wedding as well. But as my mother’s only daughter, she kind of wanting that moment (she was really wanting to plan a wedding when I was first proposed to. She eventually learned not to get too excited at a proposal) and, because I love my mommy and owe my life to her, I will find a way to compromise.
@V.E.G.,
So you want to have a traditional wedding JUST to please your mom? Isn’t that day suppose to be about you and that special guy?
@Monk,
almost all weddings are not really all about the happy couple. it’s almost always about the GUESTS. even spoiled bridezillas are going thru all the hoopla for appearance and what they’re guests will say.
@Monk,
“So you want to have a traditional wedding JUST to please your mom? Isn’t that day suppose to be about you and that special guy?”
I do believe I said COMPROMISE.
i.e. I don’t like that whole walking down that aisle thing. But if that one moment will make my parents happy, I’ll put it in.
@Monk,
Isn’t that day suppose to be about you and that special guy?
That’s the lies they have been spreading… It’s more about the mother of the bride (and the aunts, and the grandma…)
@V.E.G.,
So you want to have a traditional wedding JUST to please your mom? Isn’t that day suppose to be about you and that special guy?
I love my mom and all but my non-traditional wedding won’t be compromised because of my parents. It’s all about what my lady and I want. I’m my mom’s oldest son and she’s been asking me for a grand baby for years, but I’m not going to have a child just for her sake. And if she expects me to, that’s selfish.
@overit,
I wanna hear the plans for the alternative! (i might have to swagger jack you LOL)
@Selah,
Let me just say, $30k isn’t that much for a wedding.
Let’s say you want to get married (+ reception) at the Pennsylvanian (in Pittsburgh) ~ $1500
Mid range dress ~ $1000
Food and (non alcoholic) drink for 150 guests at ~ $40/head – $6000
Band + floral arrangements + invites – $1000
wedding cake ~ $500
I’m leaving out several other expenses and probably underestimating the cost for the Pennsylvanian for that many ppl. But you’re starting at $10k.
With a fancier dress, food, alcohol, cake, and real venue pricing, it’s easily $20k+
Plus, catering typically charges a service fee that’s a percentage of the food cost, if you hire a planner, that may also be a percentage or approaching $1k, pro photographer, etc.
The ring isn’t important at all. I told my last boyfriend who proposed that I didn’t want a diamond mostly cuz of political reasons but also I would rather have something unique that fit my personality. I would also much rather use the money to build a home or invest in a future.
@Leila,
What if he had the means and beyond that to buy you an expensive ring, would you still be singing this tune?
@Ivy St.,
i wonder this as well
I won’t own up to how many times I’ve been engaged but I will say that I set realistic expectations about the ring. If the guy wasn’t pulling it down like that, I was happy with a more modest ring. For he who could afford it, I expected the ring to reflect as much.
I own my own house but given the choice between a blingy ring or a chunk knocked off the mortgage… mortgage please! I also never understood spending the cost of a new luxury car on a wedding but that’s a discussion for a different day…
@OneChele, For he who could afford it, I expected the ring to reflect as much.
i guess this can get into ethics, but just cause he can, should he? what does everyone think about responsibility increasing the more you have?
the more you are blessed to have, does it follow you should pass it on? (i feel this, but i’d love to hear people’s thoughts)
i don’t know, a flashy guy who wants to buy me a ridiculously expensive ring is kinda a turn off.
@overit,
“a flashy guy who wants to buy me a ridiculously expensive ring is kinda a turn off.”
Agreed. My ex actually designed the ring he proposed with. While I was touched he put forth the effort, the design was his style and not mine. And it was a rock. I guessed if I loved him I’d have been blown away, but I was like “eh…thanks?”
I would have appreciated the proposal more if he had called and asked my mom for my grand maw maw’s ring which is a simple gold band and has huge sentimental value in my family.
@overit,
i guess my question would be this…
if the ring a gal REALLY wanted, her”dream ring” if you will, was uber expensive, and her man could afford it (like really afford, and not having to sell a kidney on the black market), is it reasonable for her to expect he oblige her desires?
i think it’s ok. if he’s WILLING to spend the money, why shouldn’t she be willing to ask for it? and it could be anything, not just a ring. but some other gift like a car, a new plasma tv, or whatever.
Honestly, the ring really isnt that important to me. I do want a nice one, but it doesnt have to be 10K. The wedding really isnt that important to me either. I’d prefer a nice house in a good area so if taking the money from the ring and putting it to the house budget is a step I’m willing to take. Even if we didn’t put it towards the house, I’d rather invest it. The ring really isnt important to ALL women. Now if he has money and 10K isnt anything to him…then why not go all out. LOL
@Pattie, Honestly, the ring really isnt that important to me. I do want a nice one, but it doesnt have to be 10K.
So what is reasonable? $5K? like i hear a lot of you all saying that $10k is too much, but what isn’t? I also would be surprised if you all thought a $1K ring (assuming you have a dude with at least a stable well paying job) wouldn’t be enough. what constitutes a nice ring – is it just something you want or something that shows he put some thought into it even if he can’t afford a lot?
what is nice?
@Panama Jackson,
All about the 4 C’s…make em count. You can have 15k piece of crap but it’s big and shiny (and flawed all to hell with visible inclusions) but it’s 3 carats so yay! (um no! lol).
@Smiley Face,
If someone is selling you a ring with visible inclusions for $15k, it better be much bigger than 3 carats.
I’m a simple gal, I just want a gold band, w/ an inscription… I prefer emotional Love over material Love
@h3avensent08, love it.
@h3avensent08,
I like this idea also. Maybe not gold though.
Inscribings are a must.
Today’s Nigeria’s 49th birthday!!! I’s acting up!!! Hmm… guess that ain’t an Oct. 1 phenomenon. But still.
*pops Bailey’s*
@Luvvie,
Damn, Nigeria is only 49 years old?!!!!!!
Imperialism is a muthaf*cka……
@TPeezy, yeah its like that, I’m South African..I consider us 15 years old since 1994 was the year the first multiracial, elections were held…
@Luvvie…I’m with ya!!
@HabitualLineCrossa,
I heard that the 2520′s left in Africa are catching hell from the people and the govt.
Is that true?
@TPeezy, Being as I’m reppin S.A. via West Side of Chicago, I can say I am not living there now, though, the 2520′s in S. Africa are catching hell from criminals the same way everybody else is catching hell from the same element. Most are leaving due to crime and wut one could dub as affirmative action, with the former being the more serious issue over the latter. Just the other day President Zuma issued a “Shoot first, ask questions later” policy with the cops cos crime is seriously outta control. So in all fairness, there may be isolated cases where 2520′s catch hell based on their skin, (and I really wanna say how the fuck do u like it?!!!) but in the big picture…South Africa is not the safest place to be, for anybody.
@TPeezy, My bad…I just read my post and I realize I lost my composure there…I know, I know…anger is a sign of weakness…anger is a sign of weakness…woosaaaaaaaaah. I still have some healing to do.
@TPeezy, i was thinking the same thing…damn.
@TPeezy,
Yeah the doggone English ain’t wanna give us us FREE! BEESHES!
@Luvvie,
LOL Happy Independence Day you bush woman
@Dorian G.,
Na u be bush! Me I’m ajebota
@Luvvie,
Oyibo peppa is more like it. And you bush
@Luvvie, you’re not shy, eh??? anyhoo – it was Botswana’s 43rd birthday yesterday – clean forgot to mention it!!!! PUUUUUUULA!!!!!
@Luvvie,
Happy Independence Day
@Luvvie,
Happy B-Day Nigeria!
My ex-husband knew that I am a more practical person and preferred to have the money that normally would be spent on a ring and spend it towards our future. Even though the ring wasn’t the most expensive or biggest rock, he went out of his way to get a ring that had the stones in a butterfly shape to remind me of my mother. That meant more to me than anything. Although, I did end up losing that ring and he ended up buying me one a little more expensive but less personal to replace it. I definitely preferred the first one.
@SaneN85,
awwww that’s sweet. i think the first ring being personal to YOU is beautiful.
(I didn’t comment the entire summer…man I missed this blog!)
As a woman at the ripe age of 24 (lol) this issue has crossed my mind and been a frequent topic of discussion in my circle(s) of friends (we sit around chatting about the darnedest things, don’t we?!).
1) On both a superficial and substantial level, the size of your ring is a symbol of your man’s ability to provide, or, be the provider.
a) Being able to buy that “rock” –especially when he knows that most women want that “rock“– as a symbol of his undying love and life-long commitment is not only a great gesture for his lady to appreciate- it’s a grandiose gesture that is paraded throughout the community and society for all to see. Everyone knows your guy adores you SOOOO much he broke the bank (or, hopefully, barely made a dent lol) to make you happy.
b) Now, in the grand scheme of things, of course the size of the ring doesn’t mean a ^%$# thing. It’s about the people involved; it’s about the love; it’s about the COMMITMENT. Let’s be real: the divorce rate is what, 50, 51%? A good chunk of the women getting divorced probably had pretty decent –if not beautiful– rings and have nothing to show for that trip down the aisle BUT those rings.
Where they do that at?
The United States.2) It all depends on your financial situation.
a) If you choose to marry young (22-27ish), you probably will not have the funds available to drop 10 stacks on that ring. Your lady should understand that. In fact, even if you DID, that money would still most CERTAINLY be better spent on a down payment for a home that you will build and share as you begin your life together! That’s called being sensible.
b) I look at my family*. My two oldest cousins proposed to their ladies when they were both in their early 30s- well into their careers, owned their own homes, had $ in the bank. They both did MARVELOUS jobs (and actually assisted each other when it came time to pick the rings); I smile when I see their wives’ hands.
If you are in your mid 30s proposing…it will probably be expected that you have had the time to build a (at least somewhat) comfortable life for yourself and have the ability to splurge on a fabulous ring.
c) The previous generation (parents, aunts/uncles) got married younger and built what they have amassed together. They didn’t splurge on flashy items decades ago- they were grinding as new citizens of this land trying to make a way for themselves and their eventual families. They upgraded homes and rings when they became more successful. <– I wish our generation had this mentality (we're all out for self and putting off true commitment as long as possible– but that's another topic for another day, right Champ and Mr. 3?).
3) I will say that I think a lot of us (ladies) are forgetting how couples who have been married and celebrate numerous anniversaries (i.e. 15, 20+ yrs) do it- you don't start off big! Your initial ring is like your first home together- you're just starting off; it may be quaint, but it's yours. When you have the money, you will remodel or get a new, bigger, prettier one.
4) However I must say, there is something to be said for that special, stubborn fool of a man who knows how important a nice ring is to his lady, but refuses to bend a little and make her happy by doing something he knows will bring her infinite
one year ofjoy. The guy who insists that he doesn’t need to spend a good deal on a “ring” (he’s the kind of guy who would use air quotes) because funds could be better appropriated elsewhere. Yea. Don’t like those guys. Men of VSB don’t be that guy! If you have it, spend it. Make her smile*
Although I must say I’m a bit biased because when my oldest cousins proposed to and married their wives they BLINGED their fingers OUT and I silently weep hoping my man will see what they did and take the hint when the time comes.@Lili, you went back and forth a few times in that one. so do i take that to mean you want the blinged out ring but you’ll understand if you can’t get one b/c you intend to work together to amass wealth and such with your husband?
@Panama Jackson,
I don’t think I was going back and forth; I was trying to say that everything really depends on the financial state of the couple, hence the reason I referenced folks in different age and socioeconomic brackets.
We all fall into different financial categories at various times in our lives. Desires and realistic expectations have to meet.
—————
To answer your question, in short:
yes.
@Lili,
I think we are mixing principles and finanaces here.
Why would the “ability” to spend big mean that you should spend big $ for a ring?
And if a big ring apparently means big love and commitment, what is the bride doing materially to demonstrate her commiment to the groom that is comparable? The groom’s ring usually does NOT compare to hers.
I say she should step up and provide at least a 50 inch Kuros flatscreen and NFL Live prepaid for a year.
@Lili,
My girl and I have had knock down fights about this. She’s been sold on the gettin carats. Honestly, if she won’t bend, I’ll bounce.
I refuse to put a house payment on my nor her finger. I fine with a justice of the peace and modest reception. I don’t see the utility in try to spend to impress people I don’t care about. Eff that!
@Stank-0,
You sound just like my SO…
*Dreams of that rock dwindling away…*
Really though, I understand. To each his or her own.
I don’t want my post to be misconstrued as a diatribe about getting a “rock”. It’s not about that. Ladies don’t need to be chastised for wanting the ring that they expect to wear forever be one that stands out. You can want nice things without being materialistic.
If you’re in a situation where those stacks can be used as a down payment on your home, or something equally important, obviously the money should go towards the home. If you have it, but just don’t want to spend the money because you don’t feel like it and don’t “get it”…eh. I don’t know.
Again, in the grand scheme of things the ring isn’t that serious.
The two important questions are:
-Does she love you enough to compromise what she wants for you?
-Do you love her enough to compromise and do something you know she will appreciate?
To walk away from your lady because of a ring preference…That’s a bit harsh. Y’all should be able to compromise.
@Lili,
It’s more than a ring preference, it shows what’s important. Having something on her finger for her girls (who I can honestly live without) or putting that cake to better use.
I have no problem with birthstones or other gems.
Even if I did have it (which I do not grad school is gonna be in my pockets for a good minute), I would have pause. I feel like knowledge is a responsibility. Once you know better, you have to do better. Continuing to be stuck on carats after we know they are used to finance civil war is unacceptable.
@Stank-0,
There are conflict free diamonds…
I keed, I keed…
No, you make a great point. What can I say…people are different, and that’s what makes the world go round.
I wish y’all luck…
I actually posted this on my facebook status a few weeks back (house vs. ring) and had many people comment on it. I was surprised that a majority of the girls who commented said that they would ride with the house over the ring (the 3 girls that said ring = AKAs, conincidence…lol). I wonder if this recession has made females think more practical or if I was wrong for thinking that females want the magical, fairy-tale wedding ring/reception that has been ingrained in them by society.
I had the argument with my girl and she was a ring girl. She had the approach “if our love has infinite value then why is there a limit (cost of ring) on showing it” vs. my logic which was “if my love has infinite value then if I present a cubic zirconia, then how does that = I love you less”
@aceklub,
I always ask that question! lol
Money isn’t infinite, neither is time. Which would you rather have more of…me spending our lives showing you my love or me paying for showing you my love?
@aceklub, I was surprised that a majority of the girls who commented said that they would ride with the house over the ring (the 3 girls that said ring = AKAs, conincidence…lol). I wonder if this recession has made females think more practical or if I was wrong for thinking that females want the magical, fairy-tale wedding ring/reception that has been ingrained in them by society.
i wonder this as well. i’m surprised by the practicality expressed here. mostly cuz most of the women i know – who would accept a ring they didn’t want necessarily – do quite openly want a nice rock and a big ring to symbolize how much the man cares about them. they want that bling. and they want to be able to show people that bling.
hate to say it, i wonder if all this theory exists in practice. i’m sure it might or perhaps i’ve spent copious amounts of time around the wrong women.
I don’t really see myself as the marrying sort in the 2520/western/Christian sense. Hell I don’t see it in the Eastern sense (betrothal/arranged) either. I can see myself with one woman for the rest of my life going extra hard…but the whole ring thing just isn’t something I can wrap my head around. Neither is high-end weddings. And me and girls I’ve known to be passionate about rings? We generally weren’t the two anyway because I was never the one.
Rings to me are like drinks at the bar/club x100…really frivolous purchase that costs money that could be better spent on a far more thoughtful expression that can get infinitely more mileage. Her all-time dream car or the aforementioned down payment on a house or something.
That being said, no ring at all would be a better idea than a cubic zirconia, LOL.
Note: I’ve been relatively quiet because I either haven’t had time or much to say about this week’s topics.
@Stuff Ghetto People Like,
“That being said, no ring at all would be a better idea than a cubic zirconia, LOL.”
THIS is true.
@Stuff Ghetto People Like,
“Rings to me are like drinks at the bar/club x100…really frivolous purchase that costs money that could be better spent on a far more thoughtful expression that can get infinitely more mileage.”
I couldn’t agree more!
@Stuff Ghetto People Like,
sooo we not writing back to emails now? 0_O
@Selah, you said the magic word. Done and done.
@Stuff Ghetto People Like, though i think that a ring as a gesture of love is more for the women than the men (i really do think its so that the woman can show other women that her man does indeed love and intend to commit to her) i can’t imagine not getting a ring for my girl. of course, as a non-recession proof cat, money is always an issue, but i’d have to do something…
LOL The Freakonomics blog is right on point, this just means that the ring is antiquated. Get your priorities straight. Don’t be gassed up by Zales. Focus on the important sh*t like making sure you’re marrying the right person and investing in something worthwile to start your life together.
@Da Iceman,
How do you make sure exactly that you are marrying the right person?
@Ivy St., Study ‘em, check your compatibility, plans for the future etc. You’ll be surprised how many couples don’t do it.
Ugk. I’m so anti wedding and ring its crazy. If I was ever to say I do it would be in a park with the justice of peace and a few family members followed by a potluck picnic and a huge party at the shadow lounge. See now to me thats just great…food and friends and a party…..as for the ring…females want a huge ring for SHOW..the ring becomes everything except what it is meant to be…a symbol of the love you and your dude have for each other….if someone proposed to me, and the love we we had for EACH OTHER was genuine, I’d be pleased with any ring that didn’t turn my finger colors…no diamonds needed…just something that showed some thought was put into it…meaning my fashion, my taste, my ethics..I like ethnic jewerly….is it hand made..is it conflict free? If its pretty, and exotic looking..I wouldn’t care if it was 200 bucks.
Loving and being with someone forever isn’t about rings and weddings…its about everything else. Invest in that. Not a damn ring and ceremony.
@buboniccalypso,
Oh so I don’t get an invite?
“meaning my fashion, my taste, my ethics”
How is this different from a woman wanting an expensive ring? This just happens to be what YOU like and find to be nice looking. What if I find a 2ct ring to be nice looking and my taste? You’re still asking a man to buy something that YOU would like. What does ethnic have to do with love?
@Ivy St., Yes I am asking him to buy me something that I would like but I am saying that something I would like could cost 5 bucks or it could cost 200. I’d hope whoever is proposing to me would take into consideration my taste(i like indian jewerly thats why I said ethnic)….it just so happens that MY taste isn’t expensive. I guess you hold a point…if you enjoy the finer things in life and you want some 10,000 dollar ring and your dude would be breaking his bank to buy it for you…then you have a choice to make…whats more important…the ring…or your dude…..if its the ring then I say buy it yourself.
(smile)
no invite….this was completely for pretend…I will however be at your wedding ma’am. the best damn flower girl ever.
The woman who trips about the size or cost of a ring is the woman who’s definitely not cut out to be Mrs. Monk.
That is all.
@Monk,
message: knowing your mate is KEY!
LOL..I’m definitely in the minority. I’m engaged..without a ring. People have instantly looked at my finger with confusion written on their faces, lol.
We went together and picked one out but until we (yes we) can pay cash for our rings (in another couple of months or so), it’s going to sit there. I don’t like bills, I ABHOR bills, I don’t like incurring interest, I don’t like borrowing money for things like this and since I know myself, this is the only ring set I’m going to have, we picked out the ring I wanted and his is custom made (for his size 14 ring, lawd!).
He gets kidded all the time about it though and the first thing his friends or coworkers bring up to me is the fact I don’t have a ring, lol. They’ve sent me jewelry websites, business cards, reference numbers…all I can do is laugh because they always send me the most gaudy blingish blinding rings and when I say it’s too much they think I’m lying while I’m thinking to myself ‘you’re looking at the woman who still wears the ring her dad got her for sixth grade graduation.’ I’m too sentimental sometimes, lol.
When July 2010 comes rolling around we won’t owe anybody for anything (except the Dept of Education *sigh*) that won’t help our credit. We have big plans for us, we’re trying to set up the right foundation and spending tons of money on one day…4-6 hours really… isn’t apart of the plans. Yes we want a nice wedding but I refuse to pay someone (catering & venue aside) for ‘wedding stuff’…just call me the DIY Diva a.ka. Frugal Fanny.
@Smiley Face,
“Yes we want a nice wedding but I refuse to pay someone (catering & venue aside) for ‘wedding stuff’…just call me the DIY Diva a.ka. Frugal Fanny.”
Ain’t nothing wrong with that!
My BFF just got married in June and she had a fabulous wedding/reception on shoestring budget. It can be done!!
@miss t-lee,
Girrll!! I’ve been making decorations, favors, invitations, blah blah blah for the last 8 months. Michael’s, Ebay and save-on-crafts.com are my best friends, lol!!!!
@Smiley Face,
Yep. We were making decorations and favors up until 3 or so hours before the wedding…lol
@miss t-lee,
I also have very specific ideas of what I like and if xyz that I’ve spent money on look like some sassahassa bullcrap mama gonna be het up!! So why not save money and have exactly what I want…
@Smiley Face, I feel you on that bills stuff. I want to save for it, go in and pay for it in full. Forget opening a line of credit and all that for it. Credit is the american way but not for me LOL!!
@Smiley Face,
“LOL..I’m definitely in the minority. I’m engaged..without a ring. People have instantly looked at my finger with confusion written on their faces, lol.
We went together and picked one out but until we (yes we) can pay cash for our rings (in another couple of months or so), it’s going to sit there. ”
This is actually VERY, very smart. I know it’s weird to have folks look at your all kinds of ways and you must be tired of explaining, but at least you ain’t in debt.
Hmm. *weighing options* Being engagement ring debt-free or showing off my ring to a bunch of folks who barely know me and don’t really matter in my real life? Hmm…what to do, what. to. do.
@Cheekie,
It’s funny to me seeing that “wth” look on their faces and then they see me and Mr Mister interact with each other and then the lightbulb goes off and then they can ‘see’ we’re engaged (did that make sense? lol)
‘Hmm. *weighing options* Being engagement ring debt-free or showing off my ring to a bunch of folks who barely know me and don’t really matter in my real life? Hmm…what to do, what. to. do.
”
LMAO! Exactly!
@Smiley Face, Yes we want a nice wedding but I refuse to pay someone (catering & venue aside) for ‘wedding stuff’…just call me the DIY Diva a.ka. Frugal Fanny
when my sister got married, my family did everything. longest 3 days of my life. we cooked for the event (my mother is a master cook and sh*t) we set up everything for the reception ourselves, etc. total pain in the azz. first wedding i went to where i wasn’t in it that i worked harder than two mexicans cutting grass in Bel Air.
@Panama Jackson,
I have a team of folk scheduled to help out. One of my girlfriends diy’d her and her husbands wedding so she has offered to be my DOC…tremendous help!!!
@Panama Jackson,
i worked harder than two mexicans cutting grass in Bel Air.
lmao ihateu
@Smiley Face,
i love the DIY attitude. im lucky to have so many creative ppl in my family and close circle of friends. becuz they will be helpin a sista get it together, if and when that time ever arises lol
@Gem of the Ocean,
all about the bottom line…$50 for 20 DIY table settings or $50 for EACH…yeah, lol
@Smiley Face,
I’m engaged..without a ring.
Same here. Lol! I mean I’ve been looked at crazy at bridal shows and shopping for bridal stuff… lol! Sometimes, people act like they would act with a child who has an “imaginary friends”.
I almost want to tell them: “Hey people, he went and asked for my hand at my parents and dropped a “bottle” at their house… which is what we do”… but then I just shake my head and understand that cultures are different and move on with a chuckle.
It’s quite interesting how it’s the first thing everybody asks you when you say you are engaged: where’s your ring? Meanwhile, men don’t wear rings… and don’t get asked… o_O…
All that to say, I feel you.
@Smiley Face,
You’re a smart cookie. You’ve got all of it right. All of it. Screw the perceptions of people who don’t matter. Your priorities, right down to the value you place on the ring your daddy gave you, are absolutely on point.
“…View the ring as the true testament of the man’s love. The bigger it is, the more he loves you”
Maybe in the olden days this was the case. This is not the case today, especially during a recession. Most women are lucky to be getting a ring. I think now a days a woman know what kind of ring their man can afford. To ask him to do above what he can do is ridiculous. My dad brought my mom a ring that he could afford when they got married, as he climbed the corporate ladder… so did that ring.
On the other hand, there are some cheap men out there. If you are going to be cheap with something that is somewhat symbolic of our union, what else are you going to be cheap about?! I don’t wear jewelry outside of earrings and so if you are going to put a ring on it, why not make it a really nice ring.
@Ivy St., Maybe in the olden days this was the case. This is not the case today, especially during a recession. Most women are lucky to be getting a ring. I think now a days a woman know what kind of ring their man can afford.
while i think that most women would be accepting of a lesser ring than perhaps they want, I don’t think that changes their desires one bit or how they view that ring on their finger. and everywhere else but here on VSB apparently, many women do attach a certain love barometer to their rings. and maybe it’s not necessarily that the bigger it is the more he loves you. perhaps its just the opposite, if it isn’t big or thoughtful enough, then perhaps he doesnt love you enough and often is left for others to decide.
and what happens when the recession is over? does the old way of thinking resurface? if able, SHOULD you put a car on a woman’s finger?
@Panama Jackson,
I’ll just take the car to drive. Thanks!
I ain’t gone even try to front I like nice jewelry and things. I don’t wear a lot of jewelry at one time but the pieces that I do have are rather nice. And that includes my ring.
The proper protocol for an engagement ring is 2 months the asking fellow’s salary. That’s a very nice gesture no matter your salary and it keeps folks living within their means when comes to certain material items. No one marrying a man that makes $1500 a month has any business with a $5000 ring. You would be living above your means.
And even more when you are living from paycheck to paycheck 2 month of salaries can wreak havoc on a man’s pockets. As you stated in your entry it’s just not the logical thing to do sometimes.
I think what is more important than the cost and size of the ring is giving a woman the ring she wants. I have seen some very unique rings that probably did not cost two months of salary but are what the women wants. One of my friends and her husband has titanium rings. They are really cool looking and did not cost a whole lot of money. But it is what she wants. That’s what matters.
There could be some truth to the cost of the ring signifies how much a man loves his woman but what matters most is giving her what she wants even if it cost less. Like that whack arse BMW you mentioned up top. I don’t care if my husband drove up with one wrapped in a giant pink ribbon that cost three times what my car cost I would not like it. It’s not what I want. I am a 5 clicks kinda girl and that’s what he got me.
@Raqi, The proper protocol for an engagement ring is 2 months the asking fellow’s salary.
not trying to argue buying a ring here, but i think that “proper protocol” is a bit misleading. DeBeers started that whole salary thing to create a market for their high priced diamonds. just like Hallmark created Mother’s day.
Yeah that is true Panama but I think a $10k diamond is pretty reasonable for a man making $60k a year.
@Raqi, i’m gonna have to go ahead and disagree with you here. i think its insane unreasonable to expect a man who’s making 60k a year to buy you a 10k ring. for one, he ain’t even netting 60k a year. he’s netting something like $40+. so you essentially want dude to buy you a ring that amounts to roughtly 25% of his actual take home pay for a year??? that’s ridiculous.
not sure you’re financial situation, but $60 is long dough…until you make $60k a year.
@Panama Jackson, I only think in terms of net when I talk about incomes. My brother is an accountant and he stressed that to me long time ago. What you bring home is what you make. Other than when you doing your taxing you better live and think in terms of net pay.
@Raqi,
Yeah that is true Panama but I think a $10k diamond is pretty reasonable for a man making $60k a year.
WHAT???? Bwahaha!
60K a year? That’s barely middle class and I live in Houston… What business do they have buying a 10K ring? A person making 60K a year should be more concerned about investing in their future and savings and recession-proof their lives instead of buying a 10K ring…. Let a negro making 60K a year buy me a 10K ring, I will send him down for some financial counseling asap. Are you kidding me?
A friend’s brother who is an M.D. offered a 6k ring to his girl, and I still thought it was pretty outlandish… And just to clarify an M.D would make at least double that 60K business…. so he should a 20K ring? goh!
@Sula,
my classmate in law school spent nearly $20K on his wife’s engagement ring. And were still in school, and all he had was his summer job at the firm. So, he spent almost all of his summer salary on that ring. SMH…and to me, it wasn’t spectacular. It was just ok.
@N.I.A,
20k on a ring? NGBATDI… Maybe because I am really not into material things… I mean my colleagues can’t understand why I drive the car I drive and intend on driving it to the ground (read no more car payments, yay!) when they are all driving BMWs and JAGs…. I would rather spend that money collecting vacations, memories, fine art (wkcite Me Fail?)… So it might go back to what we value more. I value time, and things I can not put a price on… So I get why someone would value a 20k ring more than my vacation to the Fiji Islands for instance…
It probably all boils down to knowing your partner real well. I can do with a proposal while on vacation, watching the sunset in some breathtaking location …. rather than a classic restaurant type of deal with a 5carats ring I could care less about. Equally yoked comes to mind.
@Panama Jackson,
“The proper protocol for an engagement ring is 2 months the asking fellow’s salary.”
I am with you on this one, PJ. Rules are made to be broken, challenged and adjusted to fit the situation.
@Raqi,
What does “5 clicks” mean?
Is that a Tacori on the picture above? *sigh*
The ring is important, but it’s not a be all end all. Now I would love to have a 3/4 carat Tacori princess cut diamond in white gold, (to match my earrings I already have..lol) but, I understand it’s not a priority.
Sometimes when starting out you have to make due with what you have. While it doesn’t make sense to go into astronomical debt for a ring, I feel that you should have something to symbolize your marriage. A few of my friends and family members recieved “starter rings” and then later on down the road when they were doing much better they upgraded. In my cousin’s case, she also upgraded her husband’s ring, which I thought was fantastic.
Hey…I want a ring, but let’s stay in our lane…lol. Your ring payments shouldn’t be lasting longer than the marriage. Make sure those ducks are definitely in a row.
@miss t-lee, That looks more like a Tiffany diamond…or at least it looks like the Tiffany diamond ring I saw on their page a few days ago……*sigh*
@Complex Simplicity,
Good eye. I’m not big into Tiffany, you?
@miss t-lee, I think Tiffany’s are a bit overated…they have really good marketing…..you are paying for that little blue box….I’ll take Tacori any day.
@Complex Simplicity,
Oh yeah…they’ve got the marketing game on lock.
I have a Tiffany necklace that I was given by my previous employer as a anniversary present. I never even wear that joker…lol
@miss t-lee, Your ring payments shouldn’t be lasting longer than the marriage. Make sure those ducks are definitely in a row.
with that logic in tow, it doesnt even make sense to get a ring then. hell, you have no clue how long a marriage will last these days.
then again if you pay cash its a wash.
@Panama Jackson,
Hahahahha.
@miss t-lee,
Your ring payments
This to me is an oxymoron. Maybe because I was not raised on credit, but why again should we have payments for a ring? Why do we incur debt for a gift? I mean I understand investing in jewelry (where I’m from gold, real 24K gold is king) but making ring payments doesn’t make too much sense to me… We should incur debt for things that will become profitable i.e a business, a house, even a car (because we use it to get to our place of work –> profitable) but on house items/gifts/clothes, I just can’t justify it.
Someone told me that you were suppose to spend 3 months salary on the ring. I think it went something like that. I know there was a 3 in there and it wasnt 3 years and 3 weeks seems too short.
But I think the ring matters to most women. Because women talk about the ring all the time. Even if they don’t hang on to the ring idea real tough, they will still analyze their friends, family and coworkers rings. It was small, it was ugly, etc. That is why I would take Gina and let her show me what she likes so I don’t run into the issue. She may say it don’t matter but if I come with something hideous then it will matter then.
@Martin and Gina, She may say it don’t matter but if I come with something hideous then it will matter then.
you ain’t neva lied. then she’ll hit you with the high pitched gina voice that breaks glasses, then f*ck around and kill yo’ mama bird.
just not a good look at all.
@Panama Jackson, Not my Momma Bird!!! LOL!!
@Martin and Gina,
WOW, you put some thought into this. I like this plan. You can’t go wrong with it. Ring shopping… she knows your means and you know her wants.
The ring DOES matter. It shouldn’t but it doesn’t. Just like you don’t want a woman to stare at your wang and so “oh… how nice,” I’d rather my friends and or my mom not look at my ring that way. Something about that look.
i’m not into jewelry. if a guy spent $10,000 on a ring for me i’d be a little upsest. that money is better off in the bank.
@drea, you’d be upset. but would you accept it? would you honestly tell the dude he spent too much money on your ring?
@Panama Jackson,
If he was touchy about me keeping the ring I’d keep it, but it he didn’t mind I’d find a way to nicely imply we should exchange it.
I all my jewelry anyway…so why buy an expensive ring if there is an 85% chance I’ll lose it?
@drea,
i meant to say ” if he didn’t mind”
and that i lose all my jewelry anyway.
@drea,
if a guy spent $10,000 on a ring for me i’d be a little upsest. that money is better off in the bank.
Word.
Can a brotha get an engagement watch or something?
…As you were
@BrothaTech,
You being facetious but Mr Mister loves pocket watches. I asked his dad to help me look for one and we/he found one on guntherwatch.com. I got him a mechanical one (he’s a Mechanical Engineer) and will surprise him with it
@BrothaTech,
If my hypothetical man was into watches, I’d seriously consider this. I’m not really down with the engagement being all about the chick, anyway. It’s step one to a union, after all. Which, of course, don’t just include one person.
@BrothaTech,
my good friend bought her fiance a really nice watch as a pre-wedding gift.
i also had a research advisor who was proposed to by his wife. she gave him an engagement ring. they both have engagement rings. they’re also 2520s. lol
@BrothaTech,
Well, you let me know when you start saving up for the ring and then I’ll start saving up for the watch.
@BrothaTech,
Can a brotha get an engagement watch or something?
I think he should! I mean if I am going to walk around being all claimed up, you best believe that ninja’s ass will have something to remind him that he’s all claimed up as well… Maybe I have issues with the whole one-sided aspect of this but yeah… a brother could get an engagement watch with I love You Booboo inscribed on it.
@BrothaTech, I know right…”Tag Heuer, b*tches!”
Or hell, have 310, Chip Foose, or Funkmaster Flex build me a ’69 Grand Prix.
@Smiley Face
I also proposed to my wife without a ring. I tied a little ribbon around her finger to celebrate the moment.
About a month or so later, we went shopping and picked out all our rings and payed for them TOGETHER…So cudos to you and yours
@BrothaTech,
“I tied a little ribbon around her finger to celebrate the moment.”
That’s actually very cute and to tell ya the truth, I’d appreciate this then a mustard seed diamond ring. I mean, once it gets so small that it resembles a quarter machine ring, then I say, don’t bother with the diamond at all. It’s the same way I feel about fake purses. I’d rather get a cute no-name purse than a fake Goach purse just to say you have one (which you don’t…lol).
@Cheekie,
Yes ma’am!
@Cheekie, I’d rather get a cute no-name purse than a fake Goach purse just to say you have one (which you don’t…lol).
now you know you got some knockoffs.
@Panama Jackson,
Not one, honey. NOT. ONE.
I am a strong proponent of not doing that. I’ont wanna be the recipient of someone calling my fake out. There are some Inspector Clouseaus out there when it comes to spotting a fake.
I’d rather get a cheaper brand (i.e. A Kenneth Cole instead of a Prada). I won’t get high end unless I can afford it. Which, right now, I can’t…lol
@BrothaTech,
Aaaawwww…see that’s whatimtalmbout! I woulda been crying, laughing, smiling so hard and happy I would’ve broken something..that’s so sweet
@Smiley Face,
You know what. This is sweet. Because it’s happening to someone else! <–Truth!
@Deviant,
If you say so.
I guess I’m different compared to most women when it comes to this subject. I don’t dream of fairytale proposals or prince charming and I’ve never thought about what a potential engagement ring would look like. In fact, when women ask me what kind of engagement ring I want, all I can say is, “a pretty one” b/c I don’t know anything about jewelry (other than how to accessorize it). Having a man who loves me and is doing what he can to make a good life for us is what’s most important. If I end up with someone who thinks it would be better to spend money on our home, our business, or whatever else we’d benefit from as a couple, I’d be happy.
@Voiceovereason, If I end up with someone who thinks it would be better to spend money on our home, our business, or whatever else we’d benefit from as a couple, I’d be happy.
i believe this in theory, but you’d be completely okay with no token of the engagement?
see this is where i think i’m getting confused. we all live in the same society. its one where we actually do, for better or worse, care about appearances and what other people think. i guess thats why i’m so surprised by how many women are so practical about this stuff considering how stereotypically women are about this and how women view other women’s love. sure, ideally, what other chicks say doesnt matter but friends speak their minds and would say, “he aint get you no ring? he cheap and trifling” or something.
i aint saying you’re not telling the truth, i believe you. i just think that when put in that situtation, for most women, it might be a little bit…of a surprise. like…oh okay…right, a business for us. good idea. while she quietly thought, “i didn’t get anything?”
@Panama Jackson,
“i aint saying you’re not telling the truth, i believe you. i just think that when put in that situtation, for most women, it might be a little bit…of a surprise. like…oh okay…right, a business for us. good idea. while she quietly thought, “i didn’t get anything?””
see…and that’s the thing about being on common ground (being evenly yoked, all that good stuff). you should know your partner well enough to know where he/she stands. i’m either biased or lucky because i’ve known Mr Mister so long but he knows what matters to me and what doesn’t and I would think that since these are my girls regardless of what THEY think, they know howI think.
@Smiley Face,
“i’ve known Mr Mister so long but he knows what matters to me and what doesn’t ”
I think a lot of people get engaged before they reach the point of knowing each other that well.
@Voiceovereason,
Yep. There are some things you will find out about a person after you’re married and living together and all that good stuff, but you should have a pretty good idea of who your fiance is before you become betrothed.
@Panama Jackson,
I honestly think most men want to give the woman they want to marry an engagement ring. Of course I’d love to get a ring, and I highly doubt that I’ll end up with a man who would rather not formally propose with one, but if I fall for someone who wants to take another approach, I’d still be happy. I’ll admit I’d probably be a skosh disappointed if I got engaged with no ring, but as long as there’s a logical explanation I’d be cool. Maybe it’s b/c I tend to be ridiculously loyal and understanding…almost to a fault.
Well, I am the girl that hasn’t been dreaming of her wedding all her life. I don’t have a wedding book or anything like that. I’m a simple girl, I don’t wear much jewelry. The engagement ring, the wedding ceremony, the dress, none of that ish is nearly as important to me as making sure I have a good marriage. These superficial things don’t mean anything when it comes to the actual marriage. I would never want my future husband to spend 5+ figures on an engagement ring. It would mean so much more to me if he invested that money into real estate or some other sound investment for the future of our family.
@N.I.A. naturally, A simple ceremony is what I want also, all that stress and hoopla no thanks……
@OrangeStar616,
I agree. I want a simple ceremony. The reception is another story. I know I’m gonna splurge a little b/c I want my family and friends to have a good time.
Haven;t read the other comments yet, I usually post my thoughts first then peruse the other comments.
The ring LOL, while I think it’d be nice to have a huge engagement rock, its not really necessary something simple and elegant will do, with a band of platinum and or gold, its the coming together officially, commitment to one another before GOD, and the Love, thats whats most important to me
*delurks*
Mo money, mo problems. Mo money, bigger ring? We get so caught up on material things that we forget what’s real. Given the divorce rate and the reason behind the vast majority of divorces – MONEY – you’d think we’d be a little less selfish when it comes to the ring. Eh-I guess not. IMHO, it’s just not worth it. You don’t want to have this conversation:
Wife: Baby I’m hungry.
Husband: Eat your ring…
Sadness. And what happens if she loses this $10k “investment”??? Does that mean she loves him any less?? Or is she just ham-scam??
But hey, it ain’t trickin if you got it, right???
***shameless plug for my homegirl***
)
if you are a fan of contemporary gospel music….her 2nd album dropped on Tuesday!! You’ll love it…trust me!!
ADRIANNE ARCHIE
HEART SOUL MIND & STRENGTH
http://www.adriannearchie.com
http://www.myspace.com/adriannearchie
@This Just In…aaaiiinnnnaaaa maaaannneeee!!!,
*dying* @ “eat your ring”.
@Cheekie,
this kilt me dead as well.
I feel like this is insane. I had to write a note on facebook asking my girls about this. NO!!! The ring is not that important! Please spend $1500 or less on a ring and then buy me a house. This is obviously a “to each your own” question because I know I will most likely get a ring sweaty at the gym or leave it on my dresser for months.
Then we end up buying a wedding band right? Can I just have an every day set of rings? I’m a teacher, why do I need a huge rock on my finger? So my students can try to steal it off my hand and sell it to the closest pawn shop? I’m straight!
Just love me and I’ll be happy! It seems like love and honesty is already a lot to ask for how dare I then ask him to spend a lot of money on me!? These are still men we are talking about! lol (jokes….jokes)
@RunBabyRun, Then we end up buying a wedding band right? Can I just have an every day set of rings? I’m a teacher, why do I need a huge rock on my finger? So my students can try to steal it off my hand and sell it to the closest pawn shop? I’m straight!
you must work in the “urban” “inner city”.
Panama, you know what matters also? Where the two individuals are in their lives at the time of marriage.
I married my present husband when I was 37 and he 38. I had my own house and taking care of myself and my two boys. My husband had his own house and taking care of himself. At our age we were pretty established in life and financially.
In a position such as ours at the time there was not immediate thought of “this money could be used to buy a house”. We were already on that road so him paying what he paid was a gesture of his love.
People should just live according to where they are and where they want and need to go.
@Raqi, those are definitely very valid points. and some of this doesn’t hold b/c of the way our society is now with people moving onto numerous 2nd and 3rd weddings. its quite possible for two people to be fully established when they do wed. so yeah, you’re right about that…
I really enjoy discussing this topic with my friends, ladies and dudes. My unscientific findings reveal that many people simply prefer you to break the bank on a ring/ceremony… Etc. I discovered that women have an equation for how much a dude is supposed to spend on a ring…and if I ever get involved with a woman like this, I deserve her superficial butt if we continue down the alter.
I guess I’m looking for a woman who is less concerned with the status quo of things and who is more untraditional in her thinking. I’m an artist, and I would prefer to get a beautiful but cheap stone to put in a ring I designed. Then we could go forward and build our wealth—so that we could give it away and help people somewhere. I know, to many women, living modestly isn’t attractive or on their to-do list…but for my future MRS., it is. Life is too short, and there are too many better ways to spend money.
my .02
@Brad, My unscientific findings reveal that many people simply prefer you to break the bank on a ring/ceremony…
this is what i’ve always thought…apparently i’m wrong.
welcome, btw (i think)
@Panama Jackson,
You’re not wrong, people do it because it’s expected…. societal mores. The unexpected always gets the o_O say what now?
Im a magpie…sue me. I LOVE bling….that being said. I will not die without it. My boyfriend/fiance and I have been planning our nuptials without said ring ( we would rather pay it in full so we are saving).I don’t believe in spending above your means so we are on an upgrade plan. Every 3-5 years, I get an upgrade (only because i love bling). I don’t believe that the ring should be the focus but I do believe it makes it official. I agree with the whole down payment thing but why cant you have both?
In my opinion, the ring symbolizes the first step, the house the second. The house is your first commitment together post engagement/marriage.
“You ladies know you judge the quality of a woman’s relationship by the size of the ring.”
I judge the quantity of the man’s dayum checking acct, that’s about it. I mean, it’s one thing when a man loves a woman so much he decides to sacrifice things in order to make his wife’s dream come true, but it’s not that big of a deal if he’s rolling in dough anyway and able to afford it without flinching. And for the record, if the “sacrifice” my boo made was our shelter, please believe I’d reward him thusly for the thought, but take that ring right back for a downgrade. I love diamonds, but there’s some sacrifices that ain’t worth it.
“Now, I understand the reason why women love engagement rings so much. For one, its jewelry. For two, women like tangible expressions of love for some reason. ”
For three, it eliminates the bulk of grimy niccas tryin’ to holla. Blind their eyes with the ring and they burst into flames like old-school vampires in the sun. However, with anything, there are exceptions. The tenacious ninja who further tries to get you even though you’ve shut them down with the bling.
As for me and how important a ring is, my personal preference is in the middle. I don’t want a huge gaudy J-Lo rock, but a nice size average ring would make me happy. If he gives me an onion ring like Homer gave Marge (fresh out the deep fryer, folks!), he must thusly prepare his funeral.
Also, I’m not even gonna lie, I was cracking UP during some award show red carpet special when Kevin Costner showed his fiancee’s (at the time) engagement ring. Joan Rivers’ reaction to it was hilarious. It was sorta like a, “Aw, that’s…so precious…aw look at that. That’s nice” kinda reaction where you can tell she was trying to be polite and the moment and itching to roast them in the aftershow (which they did). Po’ thang. I was ashamed for them. While laughing.
We were actually discussing engagement rings at work recently (a coworker got engaged and her man gave her a smaller ring at the time and promised to upgrade later…so that she can pick it out herself). Well, another coworker told me a story of a cousin of hers. Her man proposed to her and when he gave her the ring, she simply shook her head and was like, “Nuh-uh…this won’t do”. WTF?! BOGUS as hell. I mean she completely pissed on his romantic moment. I mean, I get it, she might want a different type of ring, but don’t belittle the man while he’s getting down on one knee. Show a little graciousness. After all, bending down on one knee can be bad for the back…
Aside: This post reminds me of Beyonce’s VMA performance and her eagerness to inform all the ladies to tell their dates to put a ring on it. I distinctly remember Katy Perry mouthing to her date to put a ring on it and pointing to her finger. It was hilarious because ol’ dude had on more eyeliner (guy-liner) than a MAC section at Macy’s. Um, he’s gonna put a ring on it alright. But only if he rolls right down to Massachusetts and instead of Katy, your name is Keith.
@Cheekie, “Blind their eyes with the ring and they burst into flames like old-school vampires in the sun. However, with anything, there are exceptions”
That’s the truth.
@Cheekie,
“For three, it eliminates the bulk of grimy niccas tryin’ to holla. Blind their eyes with the ring and they burst into flames like old-school vampires in the sun. ”
LMAO!!!!
This reminds me of the time that my BFF#1 and I were out at the club and this kat tried to holler at her. He tried to grab her hand, but when he saw her ring he was like “I am not EVEN trying to mess with the kat who bought that!”. We were dying laughing, he even looked around to see if her hubby was anywhere close.
I can’t front…that dayum thing has it’s own zipcode.
@miss t-lee,
LMAO!!!! I woulda been rolling!
@miss t-lee,
*cracking up*
I love the subtlety of dissing a dude without even saying a word. lmfao
@Cheekie and Smiley Face,
Yeah…this was several years ago and it’s STILL funny.
Her husband has since bought her another diamond band to go on the top of the wedding band/engagement ring, when their daughter was born.
She hates to wear the whole thing together because she’s scared someone is gonna try to cut her finger off.
@Cheekie,
IMO a ring is not alway necessary at the time of proposal. To ensure he gets something she likes AND they can live with the ring can be picked out after the fact.
If they are even thinking marriage they should already be somewhat aware of the each other’s financial abilities. If so they can choose something within their means and if need be work on saving up for an upgrade later.
@Raqi,
“IMO a ring is not alway necessary at the time of proposal. To ensure he gets something she likes AND they can live with the ring can be picked out after the fact.”
It’s not necessary at the time of proposal to me either…but I think there’s a special feeling that my man picked it out and put some thought into it. Even if it wasn’t exactly what I woulda picked for myself (which, I have no idea what that would be as I don’t have a “dream” ring at the moment), but if I like it, I’d have to keep it because it’s not so much that he paid for it, it’s that HE picked it out FOR me. That’s what I value more, actually.
Obviously nobody replying here is African, or Naija to be exact.
I’m thoroughly looking forward to my big a$$ wedding, all them summers I spent in the village, all them yes ma’s and wearing the senaglese to church, nah all that will be properly paid back with that wedding. I already told my pops, so he know and he ready. Traditional wedding will be a beast, I don’t care where my shorty is from we going to the village, we gone have 50million heads out there, and there will be some goats and cows exchanged dammit!!!
All the women will be wearing their finest wrappa and the chief will be shaking my hand and blessing me with $100′s.
F.What.You.Heard
@Dorian G.,
Not African but I’m Caribbean..trust and believe the reception will be a fete but we’re just not paying all that money to party..shoot we live in DC, these vendors are crazy, lol
@Smiley Face,
Aw I’m Caribbean (in DC) too and we definitely know how to throw a bash…
After both my cousins got married, we were chilling at their parents home with some of their neighbors. My uncle said “Well, those two are married off, she’s next”. <– What was I, 20? His son was like "H3ll no. No time soon! (because marriage= s3x…lol)"
Point is…we are the same when it comes to wedding ceremonies and receptions. GO BIG.
I too feel like I have a huge bash to aspire to and enjoy.
@Dorian G.,
This made me chuckle heartily, probably because I could hear your voice while I read it.
@Dorian G.,
nigerians do know how to make it rain on the happy couple at the wedding.
i still dislike nigerians tho. too many bad experiences with them. esp at celebratory events i.e. weddings.
@Gem of the Ocean,
“i still dislike nigerians tho. too many bad experiences with them. esp at celebratory events i.e. weddings.”
O___O
@Dorian G.,
That’s that fly t!hs!!!! I want an invite. I’ll make sure you get the propper palm wine champagne mix!)
@Dorian G.,
Bwahaha! I know that’s right!
I guess this is a post for the ladies and married dudes today…carry on…
@CPT Callamity,
i’m sure there are many of us VSSs who are curious to know how SINGLE VSBs feel about the ring. cuz yall the ones who’d be buying them, correct??
@Gem of the Ocean,
You’re right…
…but ole CPT has skewed views on marriage so I’ll let the cats willing to attempt that plunge handle this one.
I don’t see anything wrong with a $1K ring, but then again I’m still in college so that seems like a lot of money to me! Plus, you can always get it upgraded for your 10th anniversary. I’m old fashioned; I want a ring because it’s traditional and I would like to have a token of his commitment. Also, if I got engaged at this time in my life I’d expect to be engaged for 2-3 years, which is enough time for us both to save money towards a house. But if the wedding was going to take place within 18 mos of the proposal, I would forgo the engagement ring for the house.
For me, the ring is important… (not the size or how much he spent, but I do want a ring)…… IMHO, the ring seals the deal. I don’t see a formal proposal until the ring is on a woman’s finger.
My man doesn’t have to get me a huge ring… I don’t wear any rings on my fingers now, but I do want to know he’s put some thought into it…. My cousin’s husband propsed with a green ring that looked like a class ring to me. I didn’t think it was great and it looked like it was from the gumball machine, but I kept my mouth shut..she was elated.
It just depends on the woman you are with… some women like to pick out their rings, some women (like me) want to be suprised. Just know your woman.
@Nicki Sunshine, For me, the ring is important… (not the size or how much he spent, but I do want a ring)…… IMHO, the ring seals the deal. I don’t see a formal proposal until the ring is on a woman’s finger.
i agree with this.
Call me shallow but not only do I WANT a diamond engagement ring but I know exactly how big and what cut.
I’ve read all the comments and I have to say that I’ve have gone back and forth on this a great deal. In my younger days, I never wanted to even get married. I’ve always said that if someone wanted to be with you forever, they didn’t need a ceremony or a legal contract to do it. Neither a wedding and nor an engagement are truly necessary to commit yourself to someone you love. You may cite your religious rites but honestly if you think about it, no god or other ethereal entity needs a visual representation of what they already know.
So as I got older, my idea of a “getting married” changed. Engagement rings and weddings aren’t so much symbols as they are our bullhorns to the world. Maybe not the entire globe but certainly our worlds. Sure you could follow him/her around and shout “I love this person” everywhere they go but the ring is just quieter. In truth, it’s peacock-ing. We want to show off that love, that adoration. We want our friends to ooh and aah and say “Damn, dawg/girl. You/he must really love her/you.”
Why? Because we are human and we place value in material objects. This is the truth. God’s honest. We judge people by the houses they live in, the size of their TVs, the cars they drive and the clothes they wear. So why should this ring issue be any different? People will, albeit wrongly, judge our relationship, and by extension, our societal status, by the size or lack of an engagement ring.
All this talk of, “I’d rather have a house or something more indicative of our stability”, is truly noble but I think a little lofty. Truth be told we want both. I want the nice sparkly bauble to show off to friends and family. I want the house. AND I want the 50+ years of love and companionship. Anything less is settling.
So I think that we should all be honest, we may not all want diamonds but we want something that we can show off. Be for real. Even if it’s his grandmother’s bracelet.
And I agree, men should have something too. I think that’s why it’s so hard for them because they get nothing material of equal value. Sure they get the ultimate prize (their lady) but they can’t wear her around. I mean that would just be awkward…
@Deviant,
Talk about long winded.
@Deviant,
*applause to this whole comment*
@Deviant,
I agree. I can admit that I do want a nice ring. Just not at the expense of our (future hubby & I) financial future. A nice ring shouldn’t break the bank.
@N.I.A. naturally,
I agree. It’s about what you can do. Buying anything you can’t afford is stupid.
I’ve been in Tiffany (my cousin was shopping for an engagement ring for his wife). My sister had an engagement ring from Tiffany and as sparkly as those rocks were, and as much as I want one them… I know my baby cannot afford not nothing out of there. So any persistence on my part to have a ring from Tiffany would be selfish and unrealistic.
@Deviant,
I don’t think its shallow at all. I knew what I wanted, too that’s why it’s staying right where it is until it’s paid for and why by the time we’ll be married, we would be engaged for 17 months. Our goal is to go into our marriage without debt (aside from crazy student loans *sigh*) so that when we are ready to do what we want we can. I want the house, too. I want all of that good stuff. What I don’t want is to pay $30k for a wedding and pay rent, car note, crazy taxes for another two or more years for something that’s not going to be ours.
…and you’re right, people judge all the time but until they’re writing a check with our names on it, they can keep right on judging, talking, speculating on our financial, and what have you lol and that’s real.
@Smiley Face,
I feel you on being debt free. And think that what you are doing is very smart. There’s nothing wrong with waiting to get what you want.
And you shouldn’t live your life by how others judge you. I was just saying that we all have times in which we measure ourselves through the eyes of others and that sometimes, the whole engagement/wedding thing can be one of them.
@Deviant,
“Call me shallow but not only do I WANT a diamond engagement ring but I know exactly how big and what cut.”
I can’t call ya shallow because I think we all place value on material things. The only difference is what material things we place the most value on. One woman might not care for diamonds, but it doesn’t mean she won’t buy a $1,200 purse. So, go ahead and work your Rock of Gibraltar when you get it. No shame.
“All this talk of, “I’d rather have a house or something more indicative of our stability”, is truly noble but I think a little lofty. Truth be told we want both. ”
Yup, that is definitely the idea. But, especially in today’s times, if we have to choose, we have to choose. And if forced to choose, I’d most definitely choose the house, no doubt. I think that’s what folks were saying. Yeah, if we have it, sure why not…that’s what the eff money is for…but in reality…we have to choose sometimes.
“Even if it’s his grandmother’s bracelet. ”
Ok, if my man gave me the engagement ring passed down from generation to generation, I would cry in a fit of holy ghost hysterics. I always thought this was SO romantic.
His grandma can keep her musty antique wedding dress, though.@Cheekie,
LMAO @ His grandma can keep her musty antique wedding dress, though.
Speaking of the economy… Is a house really that sound of an investment these days? Because I’ve never heard of diamonds depreciating in value.
@Deviant,
“Speaking of the economy… Is a house really that sound of an investment these days? Because I’ve never heard of diamonds depreciating in value.”
True enough, but a house not only represents an investment, it represents a necessity. A diamond, while considered an investment, is not something you need. I guess that’s why the house wins out. I mean, you don’t NEED to buy a house to have adaquate shelter (an apt is fine or renting a house), I’m just saying if you had to choose an investment, the house outweighs the diamond for most folks as it serves beyond just what you want.
@Cheekie,
That was my attempt at some economic humor. I guess I’m at fault for neglecting the necessary “LOL”
joke killer.
@Deviant,
My bad, homie.
Blame it on
Al Gorethe internet. I wish the internet had inflection. It could be called e-inflection or e-tone.@Deviant, this aint shallow. i think this is about as honest as you’re gonna get. and from my experience, its closer to what i expected from most women.
I got married without a ring, still don’t have one. It wasn’t a priority for me.. It was ll about the relationship, trust, future we planned to build, etc.
Please understand that I LOVE jewelry, my parents wondred why I was giddy to go the Smithsonian Museum of Natural History, all proud of their little nerd…nope, I’m tryna see the jewels *swoon*
Of course I am in the process of getting divorced now, pretty sure a ring wouldnt have changed that. So I’ll try next marriage with ring, let VSB know how that works out
@EbonyI,
“Of course I am in the process of getting divorced now, pretty sure a ring wouldnt have changed that. ”
This is a very interesting prospective and I’d have to say I agree. Makes me wonder if your soon-to-be ex-hubby feels any sigh of relief for not buying the ring. I know a lot of dudes who feel angry that they spent a lot of money for the ring (usually this feelings is combined with a messy divorce, and of course I don’t know if you two are still amicable or not) and can’t get it back to sell or pawn because it’s deemed as a gift in court.
@Cheekie,
Not so much on the sigh of relief…actually he offered to buy me the ring if I would stay married…ummm, no and 0_O for thinking that a material thing would wipe out the transgressions that led me to this decision. *SMH, damnit*
@EbonyI,
“Not so much on the sigh of relief…actually he offered to buy me the ring if I would stay married…ummm, no and 0_O for thinking that a material thing would wipe out the transgressions that led me to this decision. ”
Oh, wow, for real? SMH…Yeah, nice try, buddy.
Makes me wonder if anyone has tried this…and it worked! o_O
@EbonyI,
What I got out of that is that you’re back on the market?
There has to be a ring and date. Anything less, and you’re probably not getting married. It should be a ring that the man can afford, whether it’s a very expensive ring or an inexpensive ring. The cost is subjective and depends on how much the man can afford or what he wants to spend.
Rings and weddings don’t have to be drama filled. Not liking weddings or rings and the “drama” of it leads me to believe that some people (looking for a way to wiggle out of responsibility or expectations) have bought into this new age thought that marriage doesn’t mean commitment, marriage is just a “piece of paper”, and on and on. Great societies are built on the foundation of marriage and intact families.
And why does the “ring debate” have to be between a ring and a house? One or both parties may already have a place to stay, or simply don’t want to own a home, or maybe a home has already been gifted to them. So many possibilities, yet a limited amount of choices.
@Ivyette, the reason the ring and house is used is b/c that’s what was referenced in the article and for whatever reason its usually something that a newlywed couple would need (though in today’s age of 2nd and 3rd weddings i suppose its not as prevalent). however, you could easily replace house with any other form of long term investment.
welcome and sh*t btw
@Panama Jackson,
Okay, I understand why the house is commonly referred to in the debate.
Thanks for the “welcome and shi…” (I can’t bring myself to type such a phrase). But, thanks.
@Panama Jackson,
“welcome and sh*t btw”
Da hell? All this time I thought this was Ivy St???? More more bizarro world designer impostors (fragrances for men…yall memba that
)???
@Me fail english?,
“If you like Giorgio, you’ll love Primo!!”
@miss t-lee,
BWAHHAHAHAA!
I love you!
@Ivyette,
“And why does the “ring debate” have to be between a ring and a house? ”
Of course it’s not the only choice, but it is a common choice. In a lot of cases, when two people become engaged, they haven’t purchased a house yet and plan to once they’re married or even move into one right away once they’re married. And in a lot of cases, expecting a big ring is part of the same American Dream that includes owning a home when you get married. Yeah, it depends on the cost of the ring, but the price of a real blinged out rock can be spent on a downpayment or closing costs.
@Ivyette,
what is it with all these LIKE names?!?!?! the veterans are being duplicated and manipulated slightly. hmmmmm ima get to the bottom of this!
@Gem of the Ocean,
I know right! *deleting what I initially typed*
@Gem of the Ocean,
Like Scooby says “R’ut r’oh Raggy!”
@Gem of the Ocean,
I can assure you, that I don’t look at other poster’s names when choosing mine. I don’t copy nor imitate. Thank you.
@Gem of the Ocean,
It is quite the epidemic. I already expressed I’d trip if I see some particular variations, but I’d REALLY trip if “A Champ” or “Panama Johnson” pops up.
@Cheekie,
I’d prefer Champie Poo Poo. If someone is looking for a name, that is a good one. lol
@Ivy St.,
I’ve been waiting for Champ to post under this officially. Like on April Fool’s day or something. lol
He needs to embrace it.
As someone who was recently engaged (December 2008) and married (August 2009) I can say that it really isn’t about the size of the ring. Unless your man is in I-Banking or has a trust fund, it’s silly to want a ring that cost more than he can reasonably afford. And as far as wedding rings are concerned, my husband’s ring is more pimp than mine. (I have really small fingers so I can’t wear anything too big.)
I was thrilled that he proposed (way ahead of schedule) to really care about what the ring looked like. And once you are married, the whole ring thing wears off. In fact a lot of people don’t even notice that I’m married.
I don’t think its shallow at all. I knew what I wanted, too that’s why it’s staying right where it is until it’s paid for and why by the time we’ll be married, we would be engaged for 17 months. Our goal is to go into our marriage without debt (aside from crazy student loans *sigh*) so that when we are ready to do what we want we can. I want the house, too. I want all of that good stuff. What I don’t want is to pay $30k for a wedding and pay rent, car note, crazy taxes for another two or more years for something that’s not going to be ours.
…and you’re right, people judge all the time but until they’re writing a check with our names on it, they can keep right on judging, talking, speculating on our financial, and what have you lol and that’s real.
@Smiley Face,
This is in response to Deviant…how it go down here i don’t know, lol
The ring matters. I’m more concerned with the type of diamond (as marquis and pear-shaped diamonds make me hurl) than I am the price. I don’t know much about clarity and carats anyway, so none of that matters to me.
I believe that weddings are often unecessarily expensive because women want to live out some fairy tale that is in no way indicative of their real lives, and I think that’s stupid. Its NOT the most important day of your life, honey…its just a ceremony.
Unless you’re wealthy, spending 10k on ANYTHING wedding-related is ridiculous. I’d rather have a home, than be in a studio apartment for 6 years, paying off my 10K ring.
BUT with all that said, if you give me a Ruby, Sapphire, or anything else NOT diamond, we will have an issue. There are plenty of cheap diamond rings, you better find one!
@8th Wonder,
“BUT with all that said, if you give me a Ruby, Sapphire, or anything else NOT diamond, we will have an issue. ”
My girl!!!!!!
@miss t-lee,
LOL I knew you’d have my back, Twin.
@8th Wonder,
“BUT with all that said, if you give me a Ruby, Sapphire, or anything else NOT diamond, we will have an issue. There are plenty of cheap diamond rings, you better find one!”
I feel the same way about white gold.
@Deviant,
Are you for or against white gold?
@Cheekie,
I’m against. It’s just not for me.
@Deviant,
Platinum girl?
@Deviant,
Yup.
@Deviant,
Same here. Gold is gold as in the colour gold and 24K. Thank you.
@8th Wonder,
lmao i love you Aif. you keeps it real!!!
and i’m with you on clarity and carats. idk much about it so it’s not somethin im checkin for.
@Gem of the Ocean,
Yeah, I feel like that’s what makes rings so expensive, and really, I don’t know anything about all that. So it could be a 99.00 ring, as long as it looks pretty, I’d never know.
Right now I have on a cubic ring from Wal-Mart that I bought for 9.99 and it is exactly how I would want my engagement ring to look. Go fig.
@8th Wonder,
lol. i feel you!
but i def need the band to be nice and of decent quality (white au or pt) without a lot of cheap trace metals. i cant have cheapy metals in my ring’s band. my skin is sensitive. i cant even wear my costume jewelry too long or it jacks up me up.
Maybe it’s just my group of friends, but I don’t think ring size is truly an issue anymore. I agree with @Ivyette that there must be a ring and a date or it just isn’t official, but size is not what it’s all about anymore.
Hell yeah…
I want a diamond, and it has to be big. I want the diiaamond AND the house.
I’m 19… and accepting proposals
fromolder richer men.Feel free to pay my college fees as an even bigger testament to our love…
I joke, I joke (before people start telling me… ‘you could have left that bit out’).
@Ramona,
as you can see … I haven’t quite mastered the whole strike through thing yet………
The ‘i joke’ bit wasn’t meant to be strike through
@Ramona,
We saw it, you could have left this comment out.
There are a lot of practical, rational and well-rounded folks on this board. I, unfortunately, am not one of them. I want a HUGE ring! The bigger the better (as long as its a high quality diamond). My three older sisters married young and all got rather depressing rings and privately bitch about it. Not that they don’t love their husbands, its just not as flashy to wave a small, funny-shaped rock around in a meeting. I should state that I come from the world of finance where the size of your ring is very much a status symbol and I have seen some blindingly large monstrosities in my day. So yeah, on this one issue, I’m a bit superficial and unrealistic – but I own it.
As far as ring vs. down payment, I guess I see the two as separate issues. I think both partners should come up with equal moneys towards the down payment for a house.* Does it suck that the man has to come further out of pocket in general to join lives? Sure, but childbirth also sucks, but you know, what are you going to do?
*Maybe b/c I am a child of divorce, and my father had put down the down payment for the home, which became an issue post-marriage.
@a.e.,
I should state that I come from the world of finance where the size of your ring is very much a status symbol and I have seen some blindingly large monstrosities in my day
…and then we are surprised to be in a recession… It’s those
greedyfolks betting our livelihood on a piece of jewelry. Capitalism!!! *smh*as i’ve mentioned sprinkled throughout threads upstream, having A ring is important to me. the size and cost it not. bigger and pricier does NOT always mean better. i’ve seen some expensive rings that were just that — expensive. all the bigness can often result in gaudy and ugly.
why is a ring important? i cant give an intelligently articulated and dissected argument why. but a ring is a gift that to me would affirm my engagement. and as with any other material gift i’d receive from some one, i would want it to be financially plausible. i dont want my fiance to break the bank on a ring. if it was something he couldn’t afford, and i KNEW it, i’d have him take it back and get another one. i dont want a ring that’s gonna put us in debt. debt is for monkeys lol. we can pick it out together if necessary so we can merge my tastes with his price range. i want a nice ring, that looks great on my hand, and reflects my jewelry aesthetics. so something that was around $1k or less would be fine if it LOOKED appealing to me and was something i’d like looking down at every day of my life.
but i want a ring. its important to me to have one to commence my engagement. period. it cannot be substituted for a house, which to me is NOT a gift but a necessary investment in building a family.
My husband wanted to buy a ring for me, but there was no money for that when we were dating. His words, “people are going to judge me and us based on what you have on your hand.” I told him I didn’t care, and off we went. Later I realized he wasn’t lying about judgment, I felt a bit inadequate and I used to be jealous of my girlfriend’s rings, so amazingly bright, but then — cheesy as it sounds — I realized that they glittered, but had no substance. Interestingly enough, both my girls with giant ice cubes on their hands are considering divorce. The ring was the deepest thing in their marriages.
I know I’m a new jack here, but let me throw this grenade: it seems that a lot of people here have some wild ideas about marriage and relationships, but not many people here are married. What’s up with that?
@madam_ori,
And this is exactly why I turn my nose up to the idea. If I plunk down $10K for a ring, there is no guarantee that relationship is going to last and I can’t get it back. So if the marriage fails when the ring isn’t paid off, add that to alimony and shyt.
…this post isn’t helping.
@madam_ori,
That was more like a I.E.D. that has been sitting on the side of the road collecting dust WAITING on a ill-armored Humvee with some young soldiers in it who “just wanted to pay for college” to drive over.
@madam_ori,
i heard that!
@madam_ori,
You said it all. The man and the relationship matter much more than any bauble he could buy. If he can, fine. If he can’t, well . . . I’d rather have a good man and no ring than a fabulous ring and no man (or a man who ain’t much of one). I consider myself blessed to have both a good man and a pretty ring he gave me because he wanted to and could. You are exactly right–with a great relationship and a man who values you, you’re much better off than your two friends who got great rings and not-much men.
In theory I understand the whole argument against spending “a grip” on a ring and have even played witness to a woman who had my dream ring ( 3 carat Princess cut) and watched her husband beat her like a tetherball and then them subsequently get divorced before their first anniversary. HOWEVER, I still want that 3 carat Princess cut period. I already own a home so he can move in with me. Selfish maybe, but it is what it is.
@PrincessCutc,
i heard that! i am scared to death of moving into some dude’s house, married or not, then sh*t hit the fan and i gotta hit the road?? hell naw! i’m getting my own damn house. if it’s really an issue for him, he could help pay the mortgage or sum. all i need from him is unconditional love and loyalty. anything else i want i can get myself
I’m sure Im repeating a lot of people, here. But the ring is a tough issue. I’d like a ring, but I also hate frivolous spending of money. I would get considered/feel guilty if I were wearing thousands of dollars on my finger. That being said, my experience has been that women measure the ring when the lovin/communication/overall stability is lacking to begin with. If I’m looking at how many carats then I know I don’t have faith in this relationship. I would appreciate a ring or any “gift” for that matter, to be thoughtful. It’s like when my dad used to buy me clothes and would randomly select a shirt from the junior’s section. It was always ugly, loud and super trendy. If I am proposed to with a ring the only thing I require is that it’s picked out with my style in mind. And my style leans towards the antique…lol. I’m a traditionalist at heart. True story- my friend’s husband found her ring when they were traveling together in a shop that sold Gremlins. It’s so sweet! And it didn’t break the bank. AT ALL. Not even close to 1k.
Weddings are a ridiculous waste of money &
retarded. I lost two grand attending 2 in the last 6 months. Those ninjas could have paid my student loans!!!
@miss patterson,
That being said, my experience has been that women measure the ring when the lovin/communication/overall stability is lacking to begin with. If I’m looking at how many carats then I know I don’t have faith in this relationship.
Word.Life.End.Of.Story.
I’ve been lucky enough to have received several proposals, and each was accompanied by a ring. One that meant an awful lot was tiny, very flawed, and brought tears (of joy) because it came from an earnest, wonderful person. 20+ years later, we’re still friends. The ring I wear now is mediocre in terms of how jewelers price jewels, and priceless in terms of what it means to me. I wouldn’t take $1M for it because the man who gave it to me put his heart into selecting it, did his best, and loves the ground I walk on. Because that’s mutual, I would’ve accepted his proposal regardless of the ring.
After years of being quizzed by friends on how I’m “lucky” with guys, it’s dawned on me that it may not be coincidental. I suspect if a man knows you’re into HIM–not what he can buy you, not what he has or drives, etc.–he’s happy to give you the world. If a man knows you’re into “the get”–what he’s got and how you can get your hands on it–even if he’s got zillion$, he’ll be reticent to give you diddly.
In other words, nice girls don’t finish last. =)
@Sunny,
” I suspect if a man knows you’re into HIM–not what he can buy you, not what he has or drives, etc.–he’s happy to give you the world. ”
I’ve yet to see this demonstrated. He must not have realized my awesome just yet.
@Deviant,
I’ve been lucky . . . seen it (had it) demonstrated over and over.
Hearing Michael Jackson’s song “I’m starting with the [wo]man in the mirror….”
@Sunny,
I suspect if a man knows you’re into HIM–not what he can buy you, not what he has or drives, etc.–he’s happy to give you the world.
Ding, ding, ding!
Lemme jump in as a prospective ring buyer. As I have learned more about where diamonds come from, I’m less willing to spend the bread for one.
I don’t care what type of BS Zales and De Beers is selling, people are still dying (and/or being disfigured and maimed) in fairly significant numbers for the rings we are wearing. For that reason alone, I’m extremely reluctant to buy one, and the gf has told me in no uncertain terms that’s what she wants. I’m willing to go with other gems, but she isn’t. This is called a quandary, a conundrum, an enigma wrapped in a riddle.
I don’t see why the engagement ring (which is less important than the wedding band) has to be all diamonded up? An engagement ring is more or less a promise ring PLUS.
I don’t see why some nice bands won’t do the trick, but I understand it’s because of her girls and strangers in the street (whom I will not be married to) will say. I’m willing to get platinum bands with inscription.
If I’m droppin that kinda cake, I should be able to drive it or live in it. *puts on kevlar* I’m out!
@Stank-0,
That’s really a conundrum wrapped in a riddle and then some. Try to talk some more with her and you two should examine what compromise can be made.
My previous engagement ring was a set with a ruby surrounded by an arrangement of jasper, amethyst and garnet, all of which are my birthstones/zodiac stones. It looked very antiqu-y and was very me (at the time) so it worked out great
too bad the engagement only lasted 8 months. Ha!
There are beautiful rings out there that are not diamonds, but if your lady wants a diamond you can strive to find a conflict-free one. Those do exist (I believe)… All in all, you should love her enough to bend your expectations and vice versa. Don’t make it an issue if she is otherwise worth it.@Stank-0,
You should definitely share that with your girl. That’s a very valid point and something us folx of color should consider when we go ga-ga over the bling……..probably alot of our clothing is made in sweatshops or less than ideal working conditions overseas too, but I digress. You should tell her. If you want to spend the rest of your life with this woman, hopefully she would understand………
i’m sorry but i’m not buying my future wife a 10K engagement ring. she’ll know this before i even think about proposing. if she don’t like it then she obviously is not the woman for me and she can jump ship at that point. if she would rather have a ring over the down payment for the house that we are going to raise our children in then she can find a man who she’s more compatible with.
smh at women who are THAT materialistic. i want a woman who likes nice things but when it gets to that point it’s a problem. and no its not about being cheap (i’m sure by the time i propose to my future wife i’ll be able to afford a 10K ring and then more) its about being frugal and making smart investments.
I strangely had this conversation with one of my girls today. I’m rethinking this whole “marriage” situation. Not in terms of the actual institution, but the bells and whistles that come along with it……I used to want a huge wedding, now I’ll just be happy to elope because my priorities have changed…..as far as a ring. I can’t lie, I do want to look down at my left hand and see something that signifies the union between me and my husband. But maybe it’s because I’ve been conditioned to think that the two go hand in hand and I’m willing to admit that. Until the point until I’m unconditioned (or just change my mind), I think I still wanna see it. Nothing extravagant, something that is representative of our love and his intimate knowledge of just who I really am…….his ring will represent the same…yep.
All the VSSes here with the progressive views about rings and weddings….I wonder how they felt about their proms?
@Stuff Ghetto People Like,
I didn’t understand the hype that people put on prom…. I knew I’d wear that prom dress once in my life… so i went to Windsor and bought one for like $90. I don’t even know where it is now. Probably Good Will …. and i STILL don’t understand the hype about prom. *shrugs*
I think ONE reason why women tangible gifts of expression is because we know how men are about spending money. Especially guys my age. Can’t even take you on a decent date… so if he’s actually willing to throw down a large sum of money for you than that means something.
As an SDA who doesn’t have her ears pierced and whose family/religion forbids jewelry, my ring was kinda the only piece of rock i was looking forward to. i think my parents got married with a watch or bible exchange. not sure.
but like the lure of mcdonalds fries, the engagement ring isn’t logical. it’s just one of those things you can’t pass up. for a lot of women, even the ones who don’t expect one clocking in at the thousands, not having a ring but claiming you’re engaged is like saying you bought a car at the dealership but there’s nothing parked in your garage. i mean, can you see a girl exclaiming ‘i’m engaged!’ without the customary left hand shooting up as well?
*shrugs*