of the thousands of blogs, stories, and exposes written in the past two weeks about lebron james and “the decision“, the single most telling and revealing thing i read wasn’t this extensive adrian wojnarowski piece chronicling the years of behind-the-scenes moves leading up to july 8th, this 5,000 column from bill simmons the day before the decision special aired, or even these quotes from michael jordan about how lebron, dwade and their ilk are merely products of their time.
***btw, it’s funny how we chide and criticize basketball stars (ie: kobe) for relentlessly chasing after the jordan “psycho assassin” model of greatness, but then we turn around and chide and criticize a basketball star who completely eschews the jordan narrative/model to make his own, just because it doesn’t fit our pre-conceived expectations of how things are supposed to play out. klosterman was right: everybody truly is wrong about everything, all of the time***
no, everything you needed to know about the dynamics behind this circus could be found july 7th at tmz.com under “lebron sued by man claiming to be his father”
TMZ has learned … LeBron James and his mother Gloria James are being sued for millions by a man who claims he tried to prove he’s the NBA star’s biological father — but LeBron and his mom tampered with the evidence in a diabolical cover-up.
The lawsuit is explosive — in it, 55-year-old Leicester Bryce Stovell claims he met Gloria in a D.C. area bar in 1984 … and had unprotected sex with her on the night they met. He later found out she was 15-years-old at the time … he was 29.
According to the docs — filed recently in federal court — Gloria has spent the rest of her life shielding LeBron from the truth.
But the man making the claim isn’t some schmuck — dude is a Princeton graduate … who earned a law degree from the University of Chicago
… and then became a Senior Legal Advisor for the U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission.
In his suit, Stovell claims he has a very clear recollection of the night he had “consensual sexual relations” with Gloria — in fact, he even remembers apologizing for his sub-par performance.
Leicester claims Gloria went back to her hometown in Ohio after they hooked up — but returned several months later to inform him she was pregnant with a boy named LeBron … but she never specifically identified the father
after you’ve gotten past the utter ridiculousness of a successful 50-something lawyer a) suing his neglected son because the son chose to ignore him (which is like a mugger suing you because you happened to be broke at the time he decided to mug you), b) publicly admitting that he had sex with a 15 year old girl when he was 29, and c) publicly admitting that he wasn’t able to sexually satisfy a 15 year old girl, another theme starts to emerge:
lebron james must have some serious daddy issues.
i mean, i’ve read stories before about his mom’s (continued) indiscretions and the fact that he was basically homeless until he was a teenager, but exactly how f*cked up his home life and head must have been didn’t really dawn on me until this report. not only is this man unsure about who his real dad is, but out of the two most probable candidates, one is dead and the other is the type of guy that would sue his neglected son for 4 million dollars.
after reading this, everything about lebron’s recent actions started to make more sense. the almost pathological thirst for attention and praise. the air of fabricated unaffectedness he tries his damnedest to pull off when speaking about “what’s good for lebron“. his too-familiar tone and general lack of reverence when speaking to or about coaches and other elder authority figures. his need to be perpetually surrounded by friends, and the amount of life-altering influence these friends are able to wield.
it’s almost like someone created a “things men do when they’ve never had a dad” template and forced him to follow it.
now, i’m not writing this to give lebron a pass for his occasional bouts of diva behavior. i’m not saying that everything he does traces back to the lack of a fatherly figure in his life, and i’m not even saying that men who grew up without fathers will have similar characteristics. but, it’s interesting how much attention we give to female daddy issues and how they eventually manifest themselves in a relationship, when male daddy issues make the exact same monster.
just how (many) women affected by fatherlessness chase unavailable men to subconsciously replicate their fathers (lack of) affection, (many) fatherlessness men give themselves a layer of faux emotional unavailability to subconsciously replicate their fathers themselves. just how (many) of these women give off an aura of neediness and desperation, a permeating desire to be paid attention to by the opposite sex that goes past a normal emotional want, (many) of these men do the same, living a life where life is only worth living if you’re getting perpetual attention and recognition. just how (many) of these women chase relationship waterfalls because they have absolutely no idea what a “good” man is supposed to look like, (many) of these men are completely clueless about how a good man is supposed to act.
this (relative) lack of discussion about the affect of fatherlessness from a male relationship perspective isn’t surprising. unless it has something to do with crime, black men/males are usually neglected in the whole “how are things affecting you mentally, spiritually, and emotionally?” conversation. i guess people assume that if we’ve made it to 22 without getting murdered or murdering anybody yet, we’re cool. we’re not¹.
you know, one of my favorite snarky comments to make whenever i read about or witness a woman acting a damn fool in public is “i doubt she’s ever celebrated father’s day“. i probably should start saying that about men as well, but it doesn’t seem like it would be as funny.
¹my dad has always been around, so “we” in this instance is more of a general we.
—the champ
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{ 328 comments… read them below or add one }
Who’s your daddy?
lol…hold up. i feel like this is election night 2000…
Damn you VSB moderation. I swear I was first, but then thought it was some crazy mess with my laptop. I feel sad now…*sniffles*
On the topic though, I think with a lack of a father figure in the house, it is the job of the mother to allow someone to be sort of that father figure. I live 10,000+ miles away from my dad (who I love, but that is besides the point), but my grandfather raised me like a dad. I think in a non-typical household, its important for the child to live as normal of a life as possible.
“I think in a non-typical household, it’s important for the child to live as normal of a life as possible.”
It’s seems like a household with a father figure has become the non-typical household in our communities whereas a “normal” life means growing up without a father figure…depending on who you ask. I agree with you on the importance of a POSITIVE male role model.
It’s seems like a household with a father figure has become the non-typical household in our communities whereas a “normal” life means growing up without a father figure
thats a good point. have we reached the point where people from well-adjusted backgrounds can be considered abnormal?
have we reached the point where people from well-adjusted backgrounds can be considered abnormal?
Yes. And you’re first on my list.
thats a good point. have we reached the point where people from well-adjusted backgrounds can be considered abnormal?
It does seem like that. I grew up with both parents in the house and among my core group of friends that I hang with I am def. the odd one out.
Yes while you are trying to find a father figure for the children when a grandfather is not available you also have to be cautious of those men who what to be a father figure to your son/daughter but their main goal is to get at you the mother. so sometimes it’s best to wade thru the riff raff and in the mean time do your best to raise your son/daughter the best you can. Even if that means shielding them from their biological father while searching for a father figure to replace him.
*love vsb thank you that’s all*
@Sixfootdiva “Even if that means shielding them from their biological father while searching for a father figure to replace him. “
Can you explain this?
Yes, I need more info as well.
lmfao @ this whole fiasco.
(seewhatididthere!!)
1st name queens. last name bridge. ; )
@TheTalentedMs.Fiasco
You are victorious! *cues victory music, throws confetti* Congrats~! Speech, speech!
*tears up*
QUEENBRIDGE!!! I’d like to thank It’s Muffin aka UrRea1ityCheck for keeping up so late with her crazy storries. The East African Divas – DC Chapter, for all y’all support. *tears*
My album, Homie 4 Life vol. 2, – The Coonery Never Dies with DJ Drama, drops August 14! Please cop it!
Thanks Y’all. I don’t feel like a newbie no more…*cries*
You Got This…..Congrats
DEAD @ the coonery never dies.
DEAD
Upset maybe?
I’m just gonna stop trying. lmao
You spoke too soon.
Womp Womp.
gosh darnit!
One (kind of) word: EX
**Shutter/SMH** Haven’t decided yet.
Damn you…you did it again.
*Formerly known as Sandpaper. I changed my name to “Give the people what they want.” O’Jays*
Considering his upbringing, I think Lebron is doing extremely well. If he wins a couple of rings and breaks a lot of records as he should, he will be rightly considered one of the top 3 players of all time.
Also, If a guy is fatherless, he needs to have good father figures. That responsibility falls on his mother or whoever is his guardian. Someone helped him along the way and it doesn’t appear that they did too bad.
you’re still “it’s 2010 d*mmit” to me
No Bullsh*t..
I know…what’s with the name changes? Puffy.
cause he got roasted yesterday. *sips latte* and i’m not apologizing neither
I like the new user name though. carry on.
Roasted? Bwahahahaha
Its been proven on this site that women only hear what they want to hear. If I were you, I might try removing the emotion and looking over my comments again. I don’t feel offended, disappointed in the pettiness, but not offended. What would you be apologizing for?
70% and rising
“Its been proven on this site that women only hear what they want to hear”
“I will be a submissive male voice on here like most of the men who add their two cents”
and….there’s the sandpaper we know and (dont) love.
way to insult pretty much everyone. *insert thumbs up.
i dont know what vss’ haven’t appreciated the male word (even if it’s not what we want to hear) and i dont know is Mr SoBo, CBG, Humble_One, Caballeroso would be considred submissive. But what do I know? Im just a woman.
*sips latte and snickers* there he goes lol………………….
you really should travel outside of your world every now and then. The view is great from over here.
And you two^^ still don’t get it.
Add me to the list of those that ” still don’t get it”, please & thank you . I like the view over here too *standin shoulder to shoulder with SFG & keisha brown at this point….o-O …..
hence you changing your name and avi. you remind me of companies that try to change their name after bad press but it’s the same shiddy product.
i aint even made atchya. tupac
Yep. the same shiddy product that you always agreed with.
70% and rising
WTF, how did I miss all’dis? Oh, because I was working. There’s the mistake right there…
“And you two^^ still don’t get it”
what exactly am i not getting. i copied directly YOUR words. maybe you need the edit/delete button back.
je suis fatigue avec cette conversation. label me a hater if you like. i already know what that word means.
one of my flaws is getting into a written battle (cuz this aint no war) with people and feeling the need to have the last word. i know i wont get that with you so im movin on. mya.
in an environment where words speak louder than actions, both of ours speak volumes about who we are. i’m fine with what mine say about me.
and that’s all i gotta say about that. forrest.
@Cheekie
You see what you did! This place is crazy without you.
@Keisha
That was poetic effin greatness I tell ya.
I’m seriously not mad. I’m just laughing. It’s almost too easy to read people because they give themselves away. I have no hard feelings towards 2010, Sandpaper, Betamale or whatever you may call yourself tomorrow. Like I said yesterday, work on your tact. For someone who “didn’t get it”, you sure went through lengths to change up your whole m.o. on here. This isn’t dirty dozens. Fix your attitude.
You understood the intent. You are in the minority though. I think that my previous method of instruction leads to more information retention. If someone hit me over the head daily with info on a subject (understanding men) that I desire to master, I think I would pay more attention. It works for the military.
The debates I was involved in became more about a tree than the forest so In the interest of not causing more strife, I will be a submissive male voice on here like most of the men who add their two cents.
70% and rising
^^@Cheekie^^
“You understood the intent. You are in the minority though.”
I did? I am? WHERE AM I? WHO’S TALKING?
Seriously, I don’t even recall what went down yesterday…was busy at the plantation sharecropping and ish and didn’t get to read all the comments… *shrug*
I’m not talking about what happened yesterday, I’m talking about the whole Sandpaper, Its2010dammit thing. You never got offended.
I did? I am? WHERE AM I? WHO’S TALKING?
what makes your unstoppableness so unstoppable? is the answer to this question in another question? who’s asking these questions? nobody knows…
BRUAHAHAHAHA. I love those MVP Nike Puppet commercials. wonder how they will go now that he’s switched teams.
@BetaMale,
Ahh, gotcha. Right.
“I will be a submissive male voice on here like most of the men who add their two cents.”
Out of curiosity, do you mind explaining the the statement above?
*sigh* Courtney he will take you on a wild ride full of sarcasm. Take his apparent diss as a compliment. He has to in order to feel “great”. *sigh* Isn’t the topic today somewhat related? irony
@Courtney,
The intent was to get a veteran male to respond. Most of the men here have been here a while and understood what I was doing. That’s why they never responded to my saltier comments.
It was basically a check to see who is or isn’t paying attention.
Hey Nickerz. Nice Avatar
@Beta.. thank you.. (seemed i stuck my head in a wasp’s nest..)
Lord have mercy!!
what was I doin yesterday!!
oh.. watching INCEPTION!!!! i’m not sad i missed this..
Someone helped him along the way and it doesn’t appear that they did too bad.
no one is denying that he’s turned out successful, but is it because of the “help” he received or because he just happened to be born with once in a generation athletic gifts?
I think he’s doing well in spite of his talent. If I had his talent and all of his baggage I would be the world’s biggest a$$hole. His outward appearance seems to be well adjusted.
His mother isn’t the type of sub-human person they make her out to be. She saw his talent, realized her brokeness, and did what she had to do in order to make sure that they could eat off his God-given talent. A lot of folks give her flak for that, but she did what she had to do to position him to be where he is now.
On the other hand, this man claiming to be ‘Bron father is the worst type of dude alive. Pedophile, dead-beat, stupid and blind as to WHY he’s stupid. I respect LeBron and as a father, he seems to be breaking the cycle. I hope he continues to do so.
*Still hate “the decision” because I’m from the Cleveland area and he didn’t have to break up with us on national tv like that…(quitely shrugs off to cry in the corner….)
Well damn.
Those that frequent this site and pay attention know that everything I say of a personal nature is FICTIONAL. I stated that from the very beginning. Liz got offended by some of my comments and I explained it to her. I was told that that was dishonest. I replied “so be it”. I hope that you few who missed it can pick it up this time. To keep from embarrassing you any further, I will be more straightforward.
For the 78th time, this is entertainment for me. I do try to shed some light on the male psyche for the VSS’s. I also try to have as much fun with it as possible by playing mental games. We see who falls for it every time.
Feel that breeze? That’s me mentally lapping you. Again
70% and rising
“I do try to shed some light on the male psyche for the VSS’s. I also try to have as much fun with it as possible by playing mental games”
I’d like to present this as evidence of why too many women get caught in foolishness with dudes. because of men who like to play mental games thinking they are dishing out valuable knowledge. when men say: we’re logical simple beings and instead of trying to decipher and extract, just watch and listen to what we say and do, but then a member of your species comes out with this.. whatever. for every VSB, there are some B’s that aren’t so S.
frankly this whole comment reeks of inception. where’s my todem?
um.. as for you mentally lapping people..pull up, rewind and come again. i dun usain bolted to di world from time my yout.
and just for the record, whatever conversation you had with liz is invalid and moot for a) people that weren’t around for this conversation b) people that follow conversations that dont pertain to the thread. Liz is smarter than i for avoiding being pulled into a cycle of bullhst. Frankly im disappointed in myself for even acknowledging it. Alas..im a sucker for trying to rebuke ignorance based on arrogance.
to bring it all back to this vsb post: men learn how to be men from other men. i sure as hell hope that you dont ever have any sons. we need to break the cycle of games that get played, not perpetuate them.
you continue to do you, “entertain”/”decieve”/”mentally lap”/”embrass” as you were.
see those lips —->? they are officially done with you.
good day sir.
“i sure as hell hope that you dont ever have any sons. we need to break the cycle of games that get played, not perpetuate them”
Because I write fictional tales on a website I’d somehow be a bad father if I had sons? Hip me to this new logic.
70% and rising
O_O Crazy alert. Keisha don’t engage just back away. Maybe if we ignore him he’ll just go away. He’s here to play games and lie and we just don’t get it. Silly us.
Okay SFG,
I played games and lied about the personal stuff. Sandpaper and its2010dammit were fictional characters. Consistent fictional characters at that. The information about how men think was on point though. I never faked that and you yourself agreed with all of it.
Information regarding how some women think was gleaned from your responses to those characters. Call it counter-intel and I hope the younger VSB’s were paying attention.
I enjoy some of your posts but please feel free to ignore me in the future if you like. I think our banter will be missed. For entertainment purposes and maybe even educational purposes.
Good Day
I know you will miss me. I’m probably the only sane thing in your crazy web world. Now off to crazy land. ——->
…and if you see me in the halls, don’t say hi.
^^^^^ THIS! bruhaahahahahaha.
Im sooo stealing for future reference SFG.
@Beta too funny… you Scorpios are SO DRAMATIC! hahahaha -smh
After reading what I just posted, you actually think I’m a Scorpio?
Absolutely!- smh… and why the heyll is all this confusion delighting you so much? you so bored… bwoy go do something LOL!
btw Yeah So shout out to you for your last comment yesterday. Kudos. Hope you weren’t too late
LOL… aww thanks! Naw, they requested me so you know *popping collar*… lol (I had already called ahead anyway)
Considering his upbringing, I think Lebron is doing extremely well.
I would say. Looking at both Lebron and Kobe’s histories, and not knowing anything else about them, I would have assumed Kobe was the one coming from a less than ideal background… Well, that’s until Lebron turned 25 and the quarter life crisis set in… But all in all, given the infor we can gather from those articles, the kid has been battling a lot of hardships…
(ok, so I kinda like the kid… He seems genuinely lost at times. Color me biased.)
yeah this whole daddy issue is crucial, i’m guessing it’s part of the reason why he won’t marry his babymomma? daddy was never there to show him family matters???
i think it’s the African in me that wants to bazooka them before a priest and have them saying some nuptials, it disturbs me how men are ok with being in relationships for tons of years and making babiezzzzaaa (emphasis on plural) but will not marry the mother of his kids!!! sorry but i am old-fashioned. i can understand if a couple has 1 baby and it don’t work out but MULTIPLES?!?! c’mon people…
but i also think that somehow, sometimes fathers don’t feel as appreciated as moms,so they kinda feel like they’re not really needed, so they can just bounce whenever they feel like…sadly…
i can only remember a few songs that were sung as an appreciation to fathers as opposed to the tons of songs sung for mummys…
idk, it’s late…
i can only remember a few songs that were sung as an appreciation to fathers as opposed to the tons of songs sung for mummys…
This reminds me of that Chris Rock joke where he says that the only song sung for father’s was “Papa was a Rolling Stone”
There’s a great ol’ school song called “Color Him Father” by the Winstons. I tend to hear it around Father’s Day, the lyrics are on point.
Youtube it.
“think i’m gonna color him love”- LOVE that song, thanks now it will be stuck in my head all day
Chrisette Michele has one on her first album that would touch me and make me cry. I thought it was a beautiful song to fathers.
Chrisette Michele – “Your Joy” from her first album.
It is a very beautiful song indeed. Lyrically and musically.
“your joy” makes me think of my wedding.. (yeah, i’m like that every now and then..)
@Nickerz
Screw tradition, and have it play as you slowly make your way down the isle.
It does make me teary eyed because the actual lyrics reminds me of my father and I. I imagine dancing with my Dad to that song at my wedding. I doubt I would be able to keep a dry eye. Even playing that song in the car I get misty most times. “Dance with my Father” by
LuffaLuther Vandross makes me misty too, but it actually reminds me of my Mom, RIP. Not the direct lyrics of that song does, but the timing and the sentiment of it does. *Sigh* The softer side of legitimate_soul…lol!Its definitely a song for daughters, so as a man, those lyrics dont really relate to me per say. However, I do love everything about the song and find myself getting lost in the music and arrangement. It does move me and invoke warm feelings.
I think if more fathers would stay around, then they’d be more appreciated in general. It’s tough to appreciate someone who is either only there part time (and puts in little effort to be there more) or who isn’t there at all.
@dudette – while that’s very true (in a general sense), it shouldn’t translate into individual circumstances where many of us have witnessed mothers who actually do view the fathers as not being as important to a child’s life and upbringing as a mother. i’ve seen that with my own two eyes. i’ve heard a woman say to another dude, “you’ll always be the kids father. but the kid needs her mother.”
That’s pretty sad. A child always needs their father. No parent is more important than the other. I think maybe women say that because they’ve grown up without dads most of the time and they think they’ve turned out alright but they haven’t.
At the risk of being stoned by VSS’s, if two people are happily single together, and are collectively making provisions for their child(ren), if they aren’t married, so what? Are we really advocating that people should get married just for the sake of tradition, or religion, or stopping people from asking “when you gon’ get married?”?
I have nothing against marriage, but I have a STRONG problem with folks getting married just because of societal expectations. Besides, with wills, powers of attorney, and other legal agreements, what does marriage offer that you can’t have without marriage…a label? What percentage of people are truly together ’til death do them apart? Marriage really seems to have become an antiquated habit who’s time has passed, but nobody got the memo.
No longer as a society are we conditioned to “ride-it-out” or “stay in it for the long haul”, or see things through to the end. We have become more convenience focused. Everything we do is focused on convenience…why do parenting when you can just stick your kid in front of an animated show, why go to Blockbuster when cable has movies On-Demand, why cook when you can just go grab a quick bite? Why get married and go through divorce when, if unmarried, you can just walk away if it doesn’t work?
I’m not suggesting that people stop getting married, I’m suggesting that we stop condemning those who choose not to.
Because why are you going to go through so many complex legal arrangements when most of those benefits would be covered by getting married? That is, if you have kids…if not, do what you want? Why *should* it be easy to walk away and leave your child in the lurch?
The point that may have been lost in my diatribe regarded Yayer’s statement: “it disturbs me how men are ok with being in relationships for tons of years and making babiezzzzaaa (emphasis on plural) but will not marry the mother of his kids!” Since there is no indication per her statement that the child is being left in the lurch, what’s the problem?
@Callaberoso I’m not condemning those who choose not to get married. But as a general rule I don’t think it’s the greatest idea to go around making babies with people who you’re not willing to marry. Marriage may not be for everyone…especially these days…but I think there’s a lot of evidence that children have a slightly better shot at coming out somewhat well adjusted when they’re raised in happy functional households where both mom and dad are present.
Now for the case where the baby is already here and the mom and dad realized it’s not good for anyone for them to be in the same household then getting married for tradition or religion may not be the greatest idea either.
@Caballeroso
i understand your logic and to a great degree i agree with this notion of ppl not feeling forced to get married just because it seems like the thing to do.
BUT. as @thepbg was saying on twitter yesterday (and blogtv) that its too easy for men to just walk away and leave women high and dry without any legal rampifications. and often times men lead women on to believing that they will marry them, as soon as “the time is right”. FOH. a woman can give her all to her man–living with him, having his babies, taking care of their family and home, and end up with NOTHING if he decides to up and leave. and if kids are involved, she got kids to raise on her own if he decides he doesnt wanna step up as a primary caretaker. and if he aint tryna pay either?? she gotta take his ass to court and go through a bunch of nonsense to make sure she has what she needs to take care of the child. a woman leaving her man doesnt have nearly the kind of difficult ramifications as a man leaving does.
so yeah, its sounds all nice and good to say ppl should get married for the right reasons and only if theyre sure they wanna be together forever (which often times is unlikely), but at the same time ppl should also be f*cking for the right reasons. ppl lay up in these long term relationships and have kids more as a consequence of having sex instead of really wanting/planning to build a family. and a child shouldnt have to be caught up in the drama and crossfire of broken promises and fickle human beings who are cynical about marriage to begin with. because at the end of the day, if you dont want to be tied down to anyone forever, DONT have kids. period.
@Gem (truly outrageous!)
“but at the same time ppl should also be f*cking for the right reasons”
A-to-tha-MUTHAEFFIN-MEN!!!!!
that is all.
What reasons are those…procreation? recreation? oxytocin?
LOL @ oxycotin.
Well.. i can only speak on how i interpreted it.
If you dont want to deal with the consequences of what may happen with unprotected sex (babies, sti’s)..dont have it.
Gem, I’m pleased to see that we agree where it comes to kids. A man who does not care for his kids financially or otherwise is not worthy of being called a man. I have no opposition to a man being legally bound to taking care of his kids. Child Support.
Where we differ, however, is when you say “a woman can give her all to her man–living with him, having his babies, taking care of their family and home, and end up with NOTHING if he decides to up and leave.”
In your scenario, the man who left the woman gave his all to her, lived with her, supported her in having his babies, and took care of their home and family as well- the same things that she did; it’s mutual. If he did not do these things in return, and she CHOSE to remain with him inspite of it, that’s her fault.
Yes, he should take care of the kids, no doubt, but otherwise, what is it that she is supposed to end up with? She got what he got or what she CHOSE to accept. In the rare case where she gave up pursuing a career (rare because nowadays usually everybody works) to take care of a home, then yeah, by all means, be married. Otherwise, if it ain’t working, part ways, and be happier with the next. You owe the kid(s) much, but owe each other nothing.
what usually ends up happening, as can be seen with public figures (i.e. athletes) and even ppl who go on these court shows, is that women often time are sold a dream of marriage and end up being left without a place to live and rearing their children on their own when the men are ready to move on. i think marriage makes you think twice about what to do next when things get hard instead of just up and leaving, because now there is a price to pay when entering into this contract. but without marriage? you can come and go as you please, and its usually the children (that are almost ALWAYS produced as a result of these relationships and cohabitation setups) that suffer.
im not saying stau just to stay for the kids sake. im saying if you are really concerned about your family, you would be more likely to stay and work things out in a positive way then to just up and leave when you get tired. this goes for men and women, but esp men.
@Gem – AMEN sister!!!!!
Marriage is a choice. As are children, theoretically. I do believe there is an immeasurable difference in the emotional, and overall, development in a child raised in a home with two loving parents vs not. The “nots” are not condemned to consistent underachievement or despair, however, there is a certain…je ne sais quoi, sense of security, self-esteem, entitlement present in children from stable two parent homes, that is often void in the nots. As a parent, I think two mature adults can recognize, despite the current societal views, the children can be a big enough reason, and at times the only reason, to get/stay married. This doesn’t mean you stay in a miserbale marriage “for the kids”, it means you make the marriage work, together, for the kids. Marriage fails because it can. Because there is a choice. being sensible about who you choose to be with can make it easier, but no matter how well you go together, at times, it will be “work”. You can make it work, with just about anyone, if you choose two, which is why other cultures can have successful arranged marriages and the like. we are just selfish, as a culture(Americans). If giving your child a better chance at an overall healthy deveolpment isn’t reason enough to work to maintain a healthy/ happy marriage, what is?
at the risk of “whatever”..
i’m tired of hearing “we stayed together for the children..” if two people are unhappy in a marriage, then it’s silly of them to think that children don’t notice that and aren’t affected by it.. staying for the sake of the children does nothing for the children but state that they grew up with two parents.. doesn’t mean the children were happy..
no one accounts that half the nights the children could hear the yelling through the walls..
agreed. growing up in an unstable environment with parents who can’t stand eachother is not healthy. However, on the basis that we are talking about two sensible mature adults, it shouldn’t be that environment. People are selfish, and that is the cause of a great deal of problems in marriage. It’s not always that you married the wrong person, as much as it is, you(both) weren’t willing to put in the necessary effort to make it a happier environment. We are all constantly growing/changing. it is impossible to stay happy with one person forever(15+ years) without accepting that it will require sacrifice and compromise. if you(both) can look at marriage for what it is is, a decision to be committed to one another come hell or high water, you can make it work. An environment of two parents working to create that environment is beneficial to children in a way nothing else can be. I think it would be useful to take a close look at what people THINK are reasons to get/stay married. pretty certain that the results would show that most are pretty disillusioned about what they are hoping for. Ish happens in life. Marriage is not supposed to be dating with legal rights. It’s a commitment. IMHO, they should install semi-permanent bc in all people until they are married for at least 2 years to curtail the occurence of people having children with people they wouldn’t consider marrying.
This isn’t a judgmental rant, as I am a single parent, who wouldn’t marry my ex. I’ve gained some wisdom at this point, and this is my perspective. Think if having children with someone made you married legally, and there was no such thing as divorce, perhaps more people would work to make it a happier situation. I mean, if you HAVE TO be with this person forever, why wouldn’t you? Who knows?
Bottom line: People(men & women) raised in a relatively happy home with both parents have an invaluable advantage over those who don’t.
I agree with you 99.9%!!! I’m am not against marriage and have a great deal of respect for choosing to commit to someone for the rest of your life. I don’t take commitments lightly and I believe that all reasonable possibilities should be exhausted to make them work. In some instances, no amount of effort can preserve the union; I believe divorce is justified in such cases. Moreso, I think greater effort should be put in trying to determine whether you should marry someone in the first place…not just get married because it was the expected chain of events. If you can’t see your current situation being long-term, don’t commit to it with marriage.
Similar to your “they should install semi-permanent bc in all people until they are married for at least 2 years to curtail the occurence of people having children with people they wouldn’t consider marrying.” stance, I agree and have held a similar philosophy. Tie the tubes of all newborns and make them fill out an application for parenthood to get the surgery reversed. Qualifying applicants will have shown satisfactory completion of a parenting course, will have a spouse of two years, and an apparently reliable income source.
@Caballeroso
i’m African , so yeah that piece of paper is a big deal. and maybe what helps is that the divorce rate in my country is much less than 30%.
the problem is that a lot of people choose not to get married, have babies and then when the going gets tough ,walk away. i have a problem with that.
at first i believed this that marriage was outdated but please i live in the south… and the stats LIE!!!! 1in 4 marriages divorce…if they are college educated (community college or higher). and 1 in 2 for the rest of the population (i guess the dummies (joke) ) …. lots of people live (stubbornly) happily together….. dont believe the hype of the news..lots of folks are sticking it out.
i’m guessing it’s part of the reason why he won’t marry his babymomma? daddy was never there to show him family matters???
hmmm. thanks for pointing this out. i probably should have mentioned this in the entry. honestly though, i think he hasn’t married her yet because for some men, it’s easier mentally to “do your thing” when you have a girlfriend (even a live-in girlfriend) than when you have a wife.
really, though. who knows?
So you need a song to be appreciated???? What foolishness is that? PARENTS don’t do what they should do to hear no d@mn song. And that is why he was “raised” by a 15 year old girl.
Could someone tell me who “darth vader ass niggas” are? Lol!
a “darth vader ass n*gga” is anybody that comes out of the woodwork when you’re already grown talking about “i am your father”
“a “darth vader ass n*gga” is anybody that comes out of the woodwork when you’re already grown talking about “i am your father”
This info made my day! : ) *CNoting into my vernacular*
champeroni–i find it very interesting, and poignant, that you bring up lebron’s (which can be translated to any males’) “daddy issues”. and i applaud you for addressing THIS aspect of the bballer who you stan for since everyone else seems to only harp on “the decision” itseld.
i dont think its just that we (women, specifically) push men’s issues under the rug as if they arent important, but moreso that man dont talk about these issues themselves. a man’s behavior is almost always attributed to him being a man (whatever that even means) or him “doing him”. perhaps because men arent seen as “emotion” beings, its easy for both men and women to dismiss any evidence of psychological/emotional disturbances that may have occurred in their lives to cause them to be “unstable.”
bottom line: i think if men were more willing to discuss these issues, theyd be better off and perhaps less worried about women and their baggage, and start taking inventory of their own. self-reflection and therapy work WONDERS. i doubt this will ever happen, since men are still likely to trivialize and dismiss the skeletons in their closets.
the typos that consume this whole post makes my head spin. gotta proof-read BEFORE pressing send *facepalm and smh*
petitions for the edit button.
X_________________________ co-signing petition , I know I can feel it coming, so please allow me “petition deez”
Signed with my favorite pen.
I’m hoping Liz sees this petition…
I agree… Partially because I feel like the issue DOES come up at times. Random movies where “HE NEEDS YOU TO BE A FATHER, CLEOTIS” or where “I CAN’T TEACH HIM HOW TO BE A MAN, BURAYTHONY” seem to pop up quite a bit, at least to me. Not that this is what makes a good dialogue/discussion about such things, but I feel like it’s not completely ignored. That being said, I do feel like it’s something that could be brought up more in general.
Now then… Let’s see how much sense this post makes to me after I wake up. *sleepwriting*
Gem I cosign. Men usually don’t discuss their issues. They’re too wrapped up in dissin women. We need to stop making excuses for them and start bringing ish to their attention.
i think if men were more willing to discuss these issues, theyd be better off and perhaps less worried about women and their baggage, and start taking inventory of their own. self-reflection and therapy work WONDERS. i doubt this will ever happen, since men are still likely to trivialize and dismiss the skeletons in their closets
i agree with this, gemmie, but i also can’t let women completely off the hook. while you’re obviously enlightened and educated and willing to discuss these issues, many women don’t share your sentiment, and any talk about a man’s skeletons and baggage is usually met with “ya’ll n*ggas just need to man up” dismissal.
i agree with you, champster, but im not talking about men just blabbing about their problems to the average hoodrat on the street. we could talk about it here in this VSC (very smart community). or, even better, in the privacy of therapy sessions. and as far fetched as that may sound to most men, it helps to talk to a STRANGER who isnt going to judge you or dismiss your issues, but rather allow you (the man) to see what kinda trauma and abandonment you may have that is causing you emotional and mental destruction.
Uhhh, I have to be a voice of minimal discourse…
There is a difference between talking about your issues, letting go of your baggage, and using it as an excuse. With men it seems to vary between one extreme and the other. Either he’s a “I haven’t cried since 2nd grade” type dude, always suffering because they can’t be real with how they genuinely feel, at risk of being less of a man, or the “I never had a father, that’s why I’m like this” type always using things out of their control as an excuse of why they aren’t/can’t be what they are supposed to be. If those are the only options, I will honestly say, I choose the former.
I’ve had to deal with my issues and work to overcome them to be a healthy part of a relationship, I can’t accept being with someone who is always reminding me of theirs. But, I like men from two parent homes, lol. they seem to GENERALLY be better adjusted at understanding how to be a man, mildly more comfortable with it….not macho, not especially “in touch with his feelings”, just a man. Not too keen on overly sensitive men either. Perhaps I’m just still dealing with my issues, ionno.
I agree Gem 100%. I have been saying this for years. It seems to be so much attention given to women not having a “daddy issues”, but you rarely hear about how this problem effects men! It’s not about being soft, it’s about maning up! I am pro-mental health. I know what it is like to not have both parents in the home. My grandparents raised me! As I became an adult I realized my childhood affected me. I finally got the courage to work on my baggage and it makes me sad when I met men who don’t work on their own. Women are made to feel bad for their baggage all the time, when need to be held accountable too!!!
It’s clear LeBron is suffering and many other men are too silently and that is where the problem is!
Also “i doubt she’s ever celebrated father’s day“, was funny Champ!
I’m a little confused as to: why people assume he can’t make a rational decision in his best interest, what people (The Champ) are saying he’s making his replacement dad, why people won’t let him be great (or not great)
Disclaimer: I don’t know all of Mr. James’ antics, so those confused questions are just out of curiosity.
Let’s see where do I start? Uh first off he got dunked on by an unknown college kid and then had Nike take all of the tapes of him getting smashed on. So off the top he’s a first amendment violator. And no one likes their constitutional rights violated. He walked off the court after getting beat by the Magic last year. This year he was kind enough to actually shake hands with the Celtics players, but only after he’d threw away a couple games and made up an elbow injury to cover it up. So the whole losing thing wasn’t a surprise this time around. Um…let’s see, he declared himself leader of the USA bball team though clearly he was at best third fiddle behind Carmelo and Kobe. Um he dances on the court during blowouts, but after he loses a game, he refuses to do mandatory press conferences. And when he finally does speak to the media, he wears a NY cap just to piss off the Cavs fans. He drove a friggin Hummer to class in H.S. And then there’s the whole “decision” thing. All this is just off the top of my head.
If you couldn’t tell I’m #teamkd35/#teamkobe all day.
when did skip bayless get a vsb account?
LMAO @ Skip Bayless.
Maybe I’ll change my VSB name to Jemele Hill.
Actually.. white people hate her.. so maybe not. I like getting my bills paid.
HAAAAAAAAAAA! Hey man, love him or hate him, Skip speaks the truth! He sees through a lot of the ESPN propaganda and he’s usually pretty accurate in his predictions. He’s like Charles Barkley w/o the teddy bear loveability factor. Sucks for him though cause he’s stuck on First Take. Jemele on the other hand could write a pro Tea Party piece, followed by a “We Want Bush Back!” piece, and she’d still get blasted.
S.A, is that you?????
i was with you til you mentioned kobe *smh*
we cant be friends. deborah cox.
I love this post
Not even sure why yall make blog posts anymore. I found the world’s foremost authority on women, relationships and sex.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uuy_-voU1J4
I mean look at this guy he obviously knows what he is a talking about. Also, according to him hes not racist.
only 0:15 in and im already LOLing and SMHing. sadness.
(yes, that is what she/i said)
Gotta watch the whole thing. He goes in.
umm, really?
…i’ll never get those minutes back…
iCouldn’t. I got through the first few seconds, exclaimed “Awww, ninja naw!” and closed the window immediately.
I made it to 3:50 couldnt take anymore
Who does that though lol gets wasted and makes a 10 minute youtube video of rants lol
Next time Im faded (if ever) Im gonna make a talk video lol
i dont have much to add to this as my father passed when i was young.
father’s day has always been sad for me.
i sometimes wonder how different i would be if he were still alive, and if consciously or subconsciously i project my lack of male role modelling into my dating life.
so no matter how old fashioned it makes me seem, im going to hold out hope that i will have a husband before becoming a mother. you’d be surprised how many dudes are like “you wanna be married before having kids??”. why has that concept become so foreign? i know marriage is not a gurantee for anything, but my goal is to make sure that my future soccer team know the love of both a mother and father.
i would consider that a blessing.
CHURCH!
e-hugs for keisha brown and the sadness on fathers day {{{{{}}}} AND “i sometimes wonder how different i would be if he were still alive, and if consciously or subconsciously i project my lack of male role modelling into my dating life.”- I am here to tell you that even though I was raised with a daddy in the home (see my comments downthread) , I do believe that everything gets projected, whether we want it to or not *Deep Sigh
@Bajan: thanks girl.
you are right: EVERYONE is a product of their environment.
That is my universal truth.
This isn’t really
all that relevantrelevant at all, but somebody here asked for my thoughts on the Watchmen movie, so here’s the condensed version (I watched the version with all the scenes and Tales of the Black Freighter included):Whoever it was that said something like “you won’t like it but you won’t be disappointed” ain’t never lied.
Good: Surprised at how much they actually followed the source material; so surprised that it really pissed me off when they didn’t, especially in parts where a change wasn’t necessary. Did a fine job translating a lot of things to film that I thought wouldn’t work, and the characters were depicted well for the most part.
Bad: Lame for taking a lot of the ambiguity out of the graphic novel.
Ugly: The end f*cking sucked.
Summary: Not sure if I’d want to see it again, but watching it was worth my time.
Cool! I was the one that wanted to know what you thought. I believe Andi said “you won’t be disappointed and you won’t be pleased either”. What did you think about the actor that portrayed Rorschach?
I thought he did a great job. His portrayal gave off that vibe of “something’s not quite right with this mofo” like it should have, but it was genuine in the sense that you could imagine his character as a real person (ex: the moment of panic when he realizes he’s been set up). Pretty much exactly what I imagined Rorschach to be.
I also loved how he got Rorschach’s manner of talking on point (lack of articles, understood subjects, etc.) while still sounding natural.
rorschach and dr. manhattan are the two reasons you need to watch the movie.
I always feel as if there is an over-analysis of LeBron and the Black male psyche in general. LeBron is an attention-whoring jerk because it is fun, and he can get away with it. LeBron can eschew acceptable career and lifestyle narratives because he is an exceptional athlete. I am a jack ass because I generally get away with it.
His mother on the other hand has always come off as unhinged. She is not as bad as Amar’e's mother, but she is a piece of work. I pegged Gloria as such when she got involved during that Celtics-Cavs playoff game like she was a professional wrestling valet. LeBron and Amar’e seem to be coddling and protecting women with pronounced self destructive tendencies, and must accept larger than life personas to keep attention away from the mothers they love dearly. LeBron is just being the best son/man of the house he can. He is taking one for the team in the same manner Janet did when she popped her boob out at the Super Bowl to get people’s attention off of Mike.
I always feel as if there is an over-analysis of LeBron and the Black male psyche in general. LeBron is an attention-whoring jerk because it is fun, and he can get away with it.
i think this is the “sweeping the issue under the rug” that is being talked about…
Man I thinking the same thing. Great analysis. He has waaaaaay more mommy issues than daddy issues! Delonte West anybody?
But anyhoo, as a card-carrying, flag-waving member of the LBJ anti-fan club since 2002, I have to recuse myself from this discussion.
Your comment made me think about Allen Iverson’s mom too…
@Dash
“He is taking one for the team in the same manner Janet did when she popped her boob out at the Super Bowl to get people’s attention off of Mike.”
Oh! that’s what she was doing???? LOL
“I always feel as if there is an over-analysis of LeBron and the Black male psyche in general.”
where does this over analysis of the black male psyche take place?
I have been party to endless discussions about whether the dysfunction of the Black male is the result of Willie Lynchism, secret government plots, the machinations of The Military-Narco-Prison-Industrial Complex etc. Fathers are not a cure-all. Blaming LeBron’s behavior or any males behavior on an absent father is just an excuse. Young Black males are constantly enabled by people. Being fatherless or poor are not good enough reasons to fail anymore. LeBron probably would have jumped ship anyway because it was the smart thing to do. His “legacy” will be fine. He will pop champagne within the next two years. His jersey will be the highest seller this year. Winning is the cure all.
When the story broke about LeBron’s possible father suing him I was like *side eye* then, I was like how long is the statute of limitations on statuatory rape? Roman Polanski game proper. On the real though, daddy issues affect men and women both. I’ve dated more than a few dudes whose fathers weren’t in their lives, and there is definitely makes a difference. But heyll, everyone’s got some type of issue.
But heyll, everyone’s got some type of issue.
except the champ, of course
Champ, my pops lived under the same roof with me until I left for college and we have a good relationship but I will say that every man has daddy issues of some sort. It doesn’t matter if it’s about living up to the standard that our dads set for us. These standard may be all in our heads but they are still there. I maintain that if I become as good of a man as my father then I’ve actually done something worth doing.
LBJ’s daddy issues may just get swept under rug just like every other guys because it will be assumed that sans murder charges or a coup “he’ll be okay because he’s a boy.” but that train of thought is a gateway statement to other issues.
I was watching the news last night and I was wondering if you had your Alvin Greene bobblehead yet? *snickering*
***rubbing temples and sighing*** Ahhhhhhh… no bobbleheads yet. I’m still trying to figure this ish out. How can he afford to make toys? Part of his “Put South Carolina back to work” plan is making action figures…bless his heart.
Yeah I heard about his “economic policy”–that kat is certifiable.
I was waiting to hear what you had to say about Alvin Greene. I was at the gym on Sunday and they were playing his speech to the NAACP on CNN and all I could think about was what is Wu Young thinking right now because I know he might have his head in his hands. I was trying my best to get out of the locker room before he was finished.
@miss t-lee @CBG
I’ve run out fo pith/.some what amusing things to say about this cat, the stupid a** black folk who support him, and who ever white benefactor (oh please know he has one. Don’t kid yourselves.) is.
So as it stands SC is in the news for Ill Alvin Greene, baby killers, and a dude who beat his wife while she was giving birth. Yay us.
Not to make things worse, man, but what’s up with the black man getting drug behind the back of a trunk by a white man in SC? I know I can’t talk because we know it happened down here in Texas, in my dad’s hometown, that I was just in about a week ago, but boys is really wildin’ over in SC.
@CBG
“Not to make things worse, man, but what’s up with the black man getting drug behind the back of a trunk by a white man in SC?’
I wish I had a better answer for you but a racist prick did some racist prick sh*t.
and as per the em effin norm , Wu- you e-slay me “I will say that every man has daddy issues of some sort”- Thank you for saying that, cause believe me I can bet there will be some VSB’s up in here today claiming something that is the opposite to this* No Bullsh!t
@bajanflchick
“I can bet there will be some VSB’s up in here today claiming something that is the opposite to this* No Bullsh!t”
Yep, we all have some kind of a daddy issue. There’s no need to front.
I will say that every man has daddy issues of some sort
I see this, and I raise you “Every human has parental issues or plain issues of some sort”.
It’s just life. The “well-adjusted” just learn how to deal with it and/or ignore it… The better at managing your issues you are, the more “adjusted” you seem to be… But that’s for us mere mortals.
For the likes of LeBron? They don’t need to “adjust”. They are friggin’ LeBron and sh!t.
@Sula
“I see this, and I raise you “Every human has parental issues or plain issues of some sort”.”
I see this, and raise you a “Yuppp!”
I was going to bed but the substance of this post stayed with me. For the life of me, I don’t understand how so many black men grow up without fathers but turn around and do the same thing to their kids. Fathers show their sons that “real” men take care of their families. Fathers show their daughters how “real” men should treat them.
I lost mt train of thought but I think that I was going to say something about absent fathers and hypermasculinity. I’ll catch y’all later in the day.
For the life of me, I don’t understand how so many black men grow up without fathers but turn around and do the same thing to their kids.
i think the reason is simple, that’s all/what they know. it takes a conscious thinker who realizes what having a father around (or lack thereof) means, what it entails and be what he never witnessed firsthand.
I’d also add, I think many of them are intimidated. They don’t know how, despite desire. I have a friend who I see habitually check out of his children’s lives when he is not doing well financially. He can’t stand being around if he is unable to provide in the manner he knows he should. Does he do all he can? In his skewed view of reality, I would say yes. Ultimately, it really tears him up that he isn’t what he thinks he should be, to the point he would rather avoid the situation, than come around empty handed.
Funny thing about this particular scenario, SN, the moms don’t have that option.
I would say that hyper masculinity is a mask for the absentee fathers. I don’t know. To think LBJ has some daddy issues but he’s had people kissing his @ss since he was a teenager.
For the life of me, I don’t understand how so many black men grow up without fathers but turn around and do the same thing to their kids. Fathers show their sons that “real” men take care of their families
you just answered your own question
If I could, I would start a slow clap through this post. This is the other side of the “Single, Black, Successful, Lonely” narrative that’s been trumped up and paraded about for the past half year or so. Acknowledging that it doesn’t exist in a vacuum and that men aren’t simply passive, ineffectual “carriers” of the effects of dysfunctional families is a good, real start.
As a lady with “daddy issues”, who is friends with women AND men with “daddy issues” (and for the record, not just Black folx: people all over the World are messing up their kids in some truly innovative ways), its a natural line of reasoning to conclude that the relationships (or lack thereof) between your parents will trickle down (No Reagan). But God forbid any of this ever gets discussed, as that may actually lead to resolution. Let’s all just continue on with the smokescreen of lists and “what women can change” and “men will be men” that keeps us all so heartily entertained.
Just wake me when people really start exploring the institution of marriage and family itself.
Just wake me when people really start exploring the institution of marriage and family itself.
why don’t you start this exploration and sh*t?
Ummm…cuz I’m lazy, complacent, and comfortable in the peanut gallery.
No, for real, I’m working on it, though not directly in a literary way, more through the medium of the visual arts.
Plus, when you’re a Black woman, and you truly question anything regarding gender, religion, sexuality, and traditional family values, *especially* in the deep South, people (especially your “own” people) practically start chopping down wood for crucifixes and calling you a witch.
Wow. Good post. Lebron definitely has daddy issues. That doesn’t mean every man without a father has daddy issues. But every man without a father AND with a mother who constantly makes “questionable” choices is definitely going to have some serious issues.
Oh well. He has enough money to pay the best therapists.
But every man without a father AND with a mother who constantly makes “questionable” choices is definitely going to have some serious issues.
lol, i wonder if “parent issues” is ever going to enter the relationship lexicon
not so completely unrelated…
I cant wait for Dwayne LeBrosh to crush Kobe.
Say Word!
word, word
triple word.
lmfao…dayum. This cracked me up.
Notice that they have to unite like Voltron to attempt to do so…..
*My Laker fandom coming out completely*
Snap!!!!
haha i’m gonna have to ask u to clarify though… are you a lakers fan, or a kobe fan?
Cuz if I had a dollar for every Kobe groupie that thought the most interesting thing about gasol was that he didnt wear deodorant on the court, i’d be pretty darn rich.
I’m a Laker fan…I was a fan since a little girl and my fandom will remain whether Kobe is on the team or not. Yet please make no mistake about it, I like that he is on the team. I think the massive hate for Kobe makes me feel like I need to defend him a bit. Some hate is on some admittedly b*tchmade behavior he had years back and I have seen him come a long way. No credit or acknowledgment has been made on the growth. Then even if the growth isn’t enough for some critics, I notice people make allowances for other players who have had horrible moments, but still hate on Kobe. He’s the ninja you love to hate-Ice Cube
Interesting…never really thought of it from this angle but it makes sense. As a man who’s been lucky enough to have a wonderful father in my life, sometimes I wonder how I would’ve turned out. Scary thought.
I definitely agree with the part about folks criticizing stars for following the MJ template, then criticizing them when they create their own path to greatness. Hypocrites…
welcome and sh*t (i think)
Interesting angle here Champ but I don’t think we’re talking “daddy issues” about LeBron. We’re analyzing a basketball player who was anointed to be THE man to surpass Michael Jordan as the face of basketball since he was in the 10th grade, all by media hype. The issue with LeBron is how we’ve perceived him as something greater than what he is, a man who has been given so much yet becomes scared and hurt when we start taking away. Same thing happened to Vince Young of the Tennessee Titans (albeit a little more drastic as Vince almost killed himself).
All the yearning for adulation, being propped up as some sort of demi-God in Cleveland (the “Witness” campaign created by Nike) seems a little too familiar to another superstar of sport who has come to a crossroads with public image: Tiger Woods.
Tiger had a father who pushed him to no ends except for being great. Once Tiger became famous and once he no longer had the voice behind him to keep in in line, he went plum effin’ crazy.
With LeBron, he hasn’t had anybody basically get in his face and tell him “No”, even by his mother who’s driven him to that same fate of be great no matter the costs. I think it’s all basically a ploy by LeBron as he is the by product of a “Me first” household and placed smack dab in an area of life that rewards individuality more than any other. He was a child star and is now going through it, same with anybody else who was given fame early and is slowly learning to cope with public backlash.
To question the whole “daddy suit”, question this. If you’re going to sue somebody who signed a $100 million endorsement deal before making his pro debut and has increased his name and brand for each of his seven years in the NBA, why the hell would you sue him for only $4 million? And if there is any truth to the guy actually being LBJ’s pops, wouldn’t LeBron have the smarts to sue for retroactive child support?
Sidenote: Most NBA mothers are a little cuckoo, with or without the fathers of their sons in their lives. See Ray Allen, Allen Iverson, Amar’e Stoudemire, Hell, I bet Matt Barnes & Dwight Howard’s moms are looking at them right now like, “I sho didn’t raise you to get a heffah with a TV show famous off of you!”
“Interesting angle here Champ but I don’t think we’re talking “daddy issues” about LeBron. Interesting angle here Champ but I don’t think we’re talking “daddy issues” about LeBron. We’re analyzing a basketball player who was anointed to be THE man to surpass Michael Jordan as the face of basketball since he was in the 10th grade, all by media hype”
these two things (daddy issues and hype) aren’t mutually exclusive. it’s possible to have to deal with both.
“The issue with LeBron is how we’ve perceived him as something greater than what he is, a man who has been given so much yet becomes scared and hurt when we start taking away. Same thing happened to Vince Young of the Tennessee Titans (albeit a little more drastic as Vince almost killed himself).”
i know lebron has been hyped like hell, but the last couple weeks have seemed to make people forget that, well, he HAS produced, and he has lived up to the hype. the playoff series against boston this spring was the only time in his career he’s under-achieved. you can’t compare a two time league mvp with a guy (vince young) who is barely a starter.
“…being propped up as some sort of demi-God in Cleveland (the “Witness” campaign created by Nike) seems a little too familiar to another superstar of sport who has come to a crossroads with public image: Tiger Woods.
Tiger had a father who pushed him to no ends except for being great. Once Tiger became famous and once he no longer had the voice behind him to keep in in line, he went plum effin’ crazy.
With LeBron, he hasn’t had anybody basically get in his face and tell him “No”, even by his mother who’s driven him to that same fate of be great no matter the costs”
i agree.
“I think it’s all basically a ploy by LeBron as he is the by product of a “Me first” household and placed smack dab in an area of life that rewards individuality more than any other.”
this doesn’t make sense to me. rather, the part about it being a ploy by lebron doesn’t seem to fit.
* “I wonder how I would’ve turned out” – without a father*
Great post, well written and very thought provoking.
thanks and sh*t
As someone who didn’t grow up with a father in the house, but did have access to him…the worst thing he did to me was to see him not take chances in life and get out of his comfort zone.
But that could just be my excuse to be lazy.
the worst thing he did to me was to see him not take chances in life and get out of his comfort zone.
lol, damn. hopefully your dad never reads this
Excellent post Champ, that’s two for two this week.This post addresses some things that folks don’t normally speak on like was mentioned further upthread and YAY for you for bringing it out if for nothing but fodder for thought. I am a firm believer in the whole “issues we get from our upbringing theory”, TRUST- I’ve got a few myself, and I own them all. I lived in a two parent household , typical real ol skool stuff, mom stayed home, dad was the breadwinner, it looked like a great situation to folks on the outside, and even to me for a long time til I realized that “Papa was a rolling stone”-No Temptations, granted I was a full grown woman at the time, and my mom had already died BUT certainly it hit me hard, and made sense at the same time. I am sure that subconsciously we know ish and hang onto it and our outward behaviors show all of that. Now, on the outside I may look all normal & what not, but like a box of chocolates-you never know what you get inside.(Gump-ism) So, I am saying all of this to say, none of us know what is going on inside LBJ, we know what we see on the outside & we all have our own thoughts and opinions of the myriad of things which could have affected him, but none of us really knows. My hope is that your delving into this alone will give the VSB’s some food for thought & a place to start to delve into their own (or at the very least to take some of the undeserved shine off of the VSS’s and their plight to find a good man) .just kidding #not really
@bajanflchick
“typical real ol skool stuff, mom stayed home, dad was the breadwinner, it looked like a great situation to folks on the outside, and even to me for a long time til I realized that “Papa was a rolling stone”-No Temptations”
My mom and dad weren’t like this but a some of my family members and friends had households like this. This is why I have a problem with these ‘traditional’ relationships. They tend to be romanticized and glorified. In a lot of cases someone gets the short end of the stick and it’s usually the woman in ‘traditional’ marriages.
let the church say for real….I too have a problem with the whole idea of “traditional marriages” ,and women getting the short end and what-not , only wish I could seriously figure out EXACTLY what would work for me *le sigh
This is why I have a problem with these ‘traditional’ relationships. They tend to be romanticized and glorified
so do you have a problem with the relationships themselves or the way they’re perceived by others?
Yes Bajan you know you my girl and I cosign everything you type. I made a decision a long time ago that I was going to be different from what people thought/expected of me. You are aware of your issues and that’s better than most. Take everything as a learning lesson and go through life with your eyes wide open. #ihatenaivety
You know I heart you SFG & your new avi gonna make them “lose their minds up in here”-DMX
thx lol i went to an all white party by majestic group (shout out to nick) you live in south fla?
sadly, no I’m in W Central….Tampa Bay area….otherwise I’d be inviting myself to the South Fl affairs, Trust*
GIRL!!! Majestic don’t know how to throw a party!!!
Richie D!! now dat bwoy!!! mi will follow im til mi fall offa di planet.. deh bwoy yah play some CHUNES!!!
lol that’s the party i told you about that i sat in the corner all night. What a waste of a dress. Richie ah mi man, lub dat bwoy
up in here, up in here… growls…woof woof! hahaha…
hugs to you @bajan.
#DEAD hahahaha
Nice avi indeed.
Yes, it is a nice avi indeed.
SmartFoxGirl and Nickerz…mmnnn….
Now thats a coin I’d like to flip.
No matter which way it lands, I would never lose.
O_O lmfao yuh crazy. mi nah share. I see how you got me with the Idris photo.
I know my man anywhere.
Nickerz has been neglectful. But for good reason, so she gets a pass.
You two have nice AVIs. Mysteriously enticing.
Regardless, sharing is caring SFG.
So Carebear Share baby. Carebear…Share.
x_x *holding in laughter*…Nick a gu kill yuh lol
Anyway, why don’t you show your real pic?
care bear STARE. not share.
carry on.
lol.
Well, in a way, you have seen me…..kinda sort of, but not really.
Basically, my AVI is not that far off in terms of what I look like.
Have you clicked my avi? I don’t believe you look like bob, you better come with a real pic
No, I havent clicked on your AVI at all.
I definitely look nothing like Bob. Let me make that clear.
However, I have been told quite often that I do have some slight resemblance to him…or that I could pass for a son of his.
Ummm…u ok? i basically just told you to click on my avi to see what i look like since you said my avis r mysterious….and again that comment is null and void without a pic. Nick will get one out of you.
Nulled & voided.
Mr SoBo looks like Mr SoBo. I’ll see what I can do.
DEAD @ Mr SoBo.
Keisha, it was a play on words. I know its stare.
@ SoBo.. i know. i was just playin. *sniff, sniff.
E hug for you.
I don’t have much to add to the entry, however, I wonder how different peoples responses would have been to the LeGone extravaganza had he stayed in Cleveland. Had he announced, “I’m going use my talents and abilities, and stay with Cleveland so we can win this championship” what would the outcry be? Like I said in my podcast last week (shameless plug) If I worked in a CALL CENTER in Cleveland, and a competing job in Florida offered me a better chance at promotion, comparable money, and the tools I need to succeed, I’m moving too. Hell, if folks would watch a special about it, I’d do one too. lol
Okay, maybe I do have something to add…er, contribute…er…sum’n. My parents were married for 22 years….18 of those were years I was around. When my parents got a divorce, it was something that was already building for years. Upon the finality of the choice, I felt like my dad divorced me. I’ve had moments when I’ve tried to reconcile that issue within myself and be open and more available, and everytime I do, I end up being reminded of the feeling I have. Articulating how I feel to him would probably be met with “how can you say that”, and blatant disregard. My dad isn’t and never has been, emotionally available so the issue ends up being my own, daddy issue. I admit I have my own struggle with this, but I acknowledge that it is nowhere close to being level with those that never knew their dads….shout out to my half-brother that I, nor OUR dad, has ever met.
lets be real–lebron would NOT have had that whole media spectacle had he wanted/chosen to stay in cleveland. neva woulda happened. the ninja said he was gonna take his talents to SOUTH BEACH, like it was a spring break bash goin down.
so thats why ppl are mad. ppl expected more. but really, he’s a kid. and he surrounds himself with other kids. so he will continue to make childish decisions *kanyeshrug*
(note: by decisions, i dont mean him LEAVING. im talkin about the way in which he did and his general attitude towards the whole thing)
I think people forget that pro basketball is a business and it’s a sport. If you’re going to make a major move, you do want a spectacle, and so does everybody else who has brought you on board. Because you WANT seats to sell out, you want a big deal out of it, you want it all over the media. That’s like saying it SHOULD be low key and they don’t aim to do that in business. “The Decision” is a public relations wet dream and nobody in their right mind would pass that up.
Exactly!
awesome POST!
I’ll say it again, fatherlessness affects all of us. Black men need to step up to their responsibilities. I think if more of us openly shun deadbeats dad something would change….(hopefully).
I also don’t know how I feel about other men stepping in to be a father figure, I see the pros, but does it really replace the insecurities and feelings of abandonment and rejectin that comes with being fatherless? Also I know so many (like a lot) of women who’ve been molested by male relatives, so I don’t know how I feel about having my daughter (or son) spending time with a male relative. I’se a bit paranoid about that particular issue.
“Also I know so many (like a lot) of women who’ve been molested by male relatives, so I don’t know how I feel about having my daughter (or son) spending time with a male relative.”
damn, lol, so you basically think that all men are molesters?
lol no, of course not. However, I do reserve the right to determine who spend time with my children unsupervised. It’s my mother hen duty to ensure that my young ones are protected.
I won’t have a man around my children just for the sake of them having a male role model. I would have to be extremely comfortable with that man, and a man does not automatically qualify because he’s blood.
But how about your brothers? Older cousins, your father, or grandfather… Your guy friends? I mean the “father” figure doesn’t have to be a person doing the mother… It just needs to be a responsible male adult who cares enough about the mother and the kids to display positive manly behaviors.
BLAST!! i have something to say and have to get to work.. let’s see if i can get back in here once i change locations.. i’m dealing with the perv and he looks over my shoulder..
i’m gonna catch a case ya’ll…
NOOOOOOO, please don’t catch a case., we’d be lost without you-robin thicke….just get low -lil wayne *please pardon the random ish ness of it all, i’m in one of those kinda moods
Just call me, I got a shovel and rope. I also got good lawyer people…it will be like it never even happened.
putting SFG’s name in the cellphone under #folksyouneedtoknowforeal
I am blessed to have been my father’s son. I wouldn’t say we’ve been particularly close. My father is a refugee from Vietnam, and I know he has seen some horrendous things. We’ve only recently started really discussing his past. Until last December we’ve maybe only spoken about Vietnam 5 times? He’s always been here, and he’s sacrificed a lot for the family, but he’s never really talked about his past.
I’ve learned a lot about him since then. He was a colonel in the South Vietnamese Army. He flew helicopters and planes, and was shot down 5 times. He has been shot, stabbed, tortured, and left to die in the jungle. He came to the US with absolutely nothing.
If I can be half the man he is, I think I’ll be aiight.
*teary.
*grabs kleenex.
*blows nose.
My father needs a movie based on a book about him.
The stories he tells leave me speechless, and accounts for a large part of my personality. I honestly didn’t realize how similar I was to my father until we started having these discussions. We were fixing my friend’s car the other day, and he recounted to me a story about how he flew a helicopter from Laos to Vietnam to flood the opium market and drive prices down.
My father is a constant source of inspiration and helps me cut through the unnecessary bullsh*t I tend to get caught up with in life.
Man, I would love to be a fly on the wall during some of those discussions. Your father sounds like a very interesting man and the history of Southeast Asia always interested me. The way you feel about your dad is the same way I feel about my mom. With all that she is going through right now physically, I try to stay in shape and stop bi**hing about the minute sh!t in life.
I look at my dad as something like a Zen master…because he’ll tell me these stories, but then I think about the time a guy at work gave him a small bottle of henny for Christmas and he brought it home to my mom and said a guy gave him a bottle of cologne.
Though, my father has openly admitted to playing dumb to avoid being hassled. “I’m may be dumb, but I’m not stupid” is what he says. Of course, this is just in the last year he’s admitted to this.
My father is a constant source of inspiration and helps me cut through the unnecessary bullsh*t I tend to get caught up with in life.
that’s awesome. and that’s definitely my mother.
“I’ve learned a lot about him since then. He was a colonel in the South Vietnamese Army. He flew helicopters and planes, and was shot down 5 times. He has been shot, stabbed, tortured, and left to die in the jungle. He came to the US with absolutely nothing.”
damn. i know my dad would make me feel bad when he’d talk about having to walk 5 miles to school everybody. i can’t imagine how i’d feel if i ever heard “i made it through a jungle, and your lazy ass cant even take out the trash”
I’m the youngest of two brothers. I usually just got a hellacious mean mug and a “you’re day is coming boy, you’ll see.” After the initial beating with bamboo I got when I was a crumb snatcher. I ain’t ever forget that. My a*s hasn’t either.
And honestly? He was right about a lot. It kills me to admit that. My day has come. SMH.
“damn. i know my dad would make me feel bad when he’d talk about having to walk 5 miles to school everybody. i can’t imagine how i’d feel if i ever heard “i made it through a jungle, and your lazy ass cant even take out the trash””
I just died a little bit. Just little.
Shay, your father sounds amazing. Reminds me of my grandfather, a Korean war vet. He was always very quiet and seemed to tiptoe around the house… my dad said that a result of being in combat and having to tiptoe to avoid being spotted by the opposing side in the war.
i know my dad would make me feel bad when he’d talk about having to walk 5 miles to school everybody
Is that in a Parenting book somewhere? Because I SWEAR my dad has the exact same story… Except the distance is in kms and he’s walking to school barefoot…. *smh*… but I love that man something fierce… in all his humanity.
this (relative) lack of discussion about the affect of fatherlessness from a male relationship perspective isn’t surprising. unless it has something to do with crime, black men/males are usually neglected in the whole “how are things affecting you mentally, spiritually, and emotionally?” conversation. i guess people assume that if we’ve made it to 22 without getting murdered or murdering anybody yet, we’re cool. we’re not¹.
This is some of the truest $hit you ever wrote. I don’t really have anything to add. You said it all.
thanks and shit, yonnie 3000
VERY well said, Champ and I whole heartedly agree with your entire post.
I know the effects of absent or less than stellar fathers on both men and women, but once folks acknowledge x, y, z,, thats when they can go about the business of being better, healing and forgiving and yes mending the relationship with their dads if they are still alive. times a awasting Erykah B, forgiveness is the key and we sometimes have to be the catalyst.
VERY well said, Champ and I whole heartedly agree with your entire post.
me too. thanks and shit
I just want to let you know that this post is great. That is all.
thank you. i think it’s great too
I wouldn’t doubt Lebron has ‘daddy issues’ just like a lot of other professional athletes and regular folks. I grew up with both parents and my parents are still together. I love my Dad but he and a lot of other men his age suffer from ‘Man’s World Syndrome’. After a few battles with my mom his ‘Man’s World Syndrome’ is now in recession and almost gone. ‘Daddy issues’ affect men in other ways than crime and absent father’s. You have men that are hyper-emotional. We all know this as the men that have tempers or are mad concerned with their ‘respect’, men that can’t cope with any adversity or struggle, or men that need to be coddled and always need their hand held.. I’ve known dudes that were completely lost. By lost I mean they don’t know how to carry themselves, pursue goals, be responsible, hold themselves accountable, etc. There is a code or ‘Man Law’ that men live by that a lot of men don’t know. By me having my Dad in my life I understand those laws. At the same time your father has to give you the tools. If he is there but suffers from ‘Man’s World Syndrome’ or does not take a proactive role in raising you it can be just as bad as not having a father. I’ve seen pathetic dudes raised in 2-parent homes.
I agree that it really is the quality of parenting as well as presence, sometimes the presence is more detrimental than an absence.
So true!!!
X___________________. Cosign.
I always want to tell this to ppl who stay in bad relationships for the children. Sometimes the influence is worse than lack of influence.
Sad, yet true. It’s the same thing with women wanting a man in their lives. Don’t just be asking for any ol’ ninja just to say you have one. Same thing applies to parents.
@Humble_One:
Sad but true. I was raised with a silent but deadly father. Which meant, he never said much and only stepped in if my mom gave him the “eye”. My brother was fast and would be gone before my dad could push in the recliner. He escaped a lot of beatings. Hence his “I’m untouchable” mentality. Many men posess this too. Smh
@SmartFoxGirl
This is another problem I see with men that didn’t have fathers. Knowing your place. Growing up ‘knowing your place’ should give you some type of humility tact in how you carry yourself. Too many dudes think they can’t be touched and when a situation hands them there @ss on a platter they are confused or can’t cope.
“Too many dudes think they can’t be touched and when a situation hands them there @ss on a platter they are confused or can’t cope.”
THIS should be on a billboard. They can’t cope with life’s problems hence the failure. Then when they have a child of their own, they run scared because they know they suck at manhood. Vicious cycle.
Real talk. I can honestly say that I never got whupped by my old man as a kid because all it took for him was to raise his voice one time and my @ss straighten up quick. Your father is supposed to be the one to put a ninja in his place always. If not, some other male adult should. VSB had a post about this saying that a man should always have a man in his life that will check him when he is getting out of line. Too many ninjas running around here not respecting authority and knowing their place until it is too late.
When you had no consequences growing up, you fear no consequences as a grown up.
@SmartFoxGirl
This a problem I’ve seen with men and women. They don’t understand the consequences of what they do. They feel they can go through life and do what they want. They expect or believe it is the responsibility of their girlfriend, wife, husband, or boyfriend to come behind them and clean up their f**k ups. They want to do what they want when they want and expect someone else to deal with the consequences of doing that
“When you had no consequences growing up, you fear no consequences as a grown up.”
^So True, SmartFoxGirl! It is difficult interacting with such people or I find myself frustrated by their warped view or lack of reality. I think the entitlement gets to me as well.
“This is another problem I see with men that didn’t have fathers. Knowing your place. Growing up ‘knowing your place’ should give you some type of humility tact in how you carry yourself. Too many dudes think they can’t be touched and when a situation hands them there @ss on a platter they are confused or can’t cope.”
YES! THIS! Over and over again. Nothing’s worse than listening to a grown man talk about how “great” he is because he’s employed and can baby-wipe his own ass. But when I guess when you grow up seeing men not doing much in the first place, it’s easy to develop that air of superiority for doing normal adult shit. And it gets even worse when someone calls them on the carpet or offers some kinds of criticism. Sad, sad thing to see.
@veronica
Nothing’s worse than listening to a grown man talk about how “great” he is because he’s employed and can baby-wipe his own ass
AMEN.
*terrorist fist bump.
Great point!
Props on the avatar. Roy Fokker is the sh*t.
And cosign and whatnot.
Um. Seriously? You amaze me each and every day with your writing, Champ. This was great, and I feel honored to work with you my friend.
I think lebron’s daddy issues are compounded with 1) his suspect-seeming mother who is also just as, if not more damaged than he is and 2) his talent and the fame that has come from it since adolescence.
lot’s of catch-22s in this family.
I’m not one to judge, I just think all of this is the perfect storm for what he is and it’s a wonder he can function at all.
Why do I feel even though you complimented Champster, he’s gonna say “honor deez” or something? Maybe I have little faith in him? Sowwy, Champs.
thanks, liz.
Let’s try to remember that Lebron is only 25 which is young according to today’s standards. The spotlight is on him but trust he is no different from many of the young NBA stars today. They got rich, young with little growing. His mother is a timber wolf, literally and his dad is well…a schm*ck. I love how you said he’s no schm*ck, he’s a lawyer. Lawyers can be schm*cks. The focus is always the woman with no father but I see more b*tch made men than anything now a days. Please don’t hate me for saying this but can you blame the world for viewing black children as fatherless? Statistics show that many are. It’s sad.
I wouldn’t say Lebron is some kind of eff up. I think he’s a typical athlete actually. These guys aren’t heroes. They play basketball. They’re not saving lives so why look up to them like they should be perfect. In regards to his diva behavior or the diva behavior that many men posess nowadays I will say this: pyschology taught me that most everything falls back to childhood. That’s why it’s so important to be a good parent (single or not..i’m looking at you Gloria). I don’t think parents realize how many mistakes they make have lasting impressions on their children. We really have no excuse. Tighten up for your children. Remember it’s more than just feeding and taking care of them…it’s raising them into adults and preparing them for this world. I’m a single parent but I use every opportunity I can to teach my daughter. This is a job I cannot fail at.
Side note: yes my dad got season tickets in febuary so you can mos def kiss the pinky (or wave to me courtside) when we bring it home. Stop hatin on Miami lol haha
*evil laugh*
You know I heart you. That is exactly what my mom did as a kid. She tightened up for me and my sister. She actually sat us down one day and asked were we happy with it just being us and her. We said, probably not really caring because we were so young, yes we were happy. With that, she never got remarried and I never had a stepdad. She held us down until we both got out of college, sacrificing a lot. As much as things could have been easier if she got remarried from a monetary standpoint, I would not trade in my childhood for anything in the world. My mom taught me a lot and I know you will do the same for your daughter.
Side note: You lookin’ good, gul.
*sitting in dark, turns on lamp*
I was wondering when you were going to speak to me. I noticed you dippin in and out and not even so much as a heller.
*puts knife back in holder*
Well I forgive you. Thanks CBG. I actually take motherhood very seriously. I knew when I was pregnant I had to give it my everything. My fam thinks I have my daughter on information overload but I don’t care. I want her to be raised right…extra tough since it’s just me. I also shower her with praise so her confidence is high. It’s hard but like I said, failing is not an option for me. Btw, I love how you talk about your mom. It’s sexy.
Thanks
I am sorry. I have been tied up lately, plus those roofies leave me with some pretty bad headaches. I will definitely make sure I speak to you when I am in the building. *timidly hands e-flowers to SFG*
It is beautiful that you are taking your responsibility as a mother so seriously. Whether you are in a relationship again or not, you know that your daughter is your main priority and she was always be taken care of. Me talking about my mom is sexy, huh? Well……… I love that crazy woman. She really does amaze me. She was salutatorian in high school, went to college, got married and left college, had my nutty older sister, got divorced, went back to college, pledged AKA and got her degree, all while raising my sister. I tell any woman I meet that is a single mom and trying to finish school, I say don’t let anything stop you. Let your kids be your motivation to succeed. If my mom can do it, so can you. Single moms that do right by their kids always have a special place in my heart.
*swoons* oh cbg i should be busy too. i need to get back to work. keep up the hard work. your mom sounds pretty amazing. btw, i love this:
Let your kids be your motivation to succeed.
I am glad you like that because it is one of the things that I got me through college. I don’t have any kids because the closest thing I have to them are my niece and nephew. When my family dropped me off (which I cannot believe was 10 years ago) at college, my older sister pulled me aside and told me no to do anything too crazy when I was in college because her kids were watching me, and I knew they were. Knowing they were back home always asking about me and college kept me going more than they know. Mine’s was the first college graduation they had ever been to. Now, 10 years later, they will be moving into my alma mater next month. I am proud as hell that I set the pace for them and I hope they do the same for my future kids and for their cousins on their dad’s family.
@CBG: it’s funny that you mention your mom never remarrying.
while my mom did have a relationship after my father passed, he was an a$$ that pretty much left her to raise 5 kids solo. she was very cogniscent of having daughters and that there are predatory men out there, so opted for her daughter’s safety instead of her own happiness.
@SFG: i could never ever EVER imagine how hard it is to be a single parent. I have the respect in the world for those that have the toughest job in the world.
this post is making my heart hurt a little. im going to call my mom.
awwww thanks girlie!
I understand where you are coming from. My mom didn’t get remarried after her and my dad divorced, but she did have the help of my older sister and my brother-in-law to help her out and they really did. Call you mom, sweetheart. You will feel better for it.
I spelled february wrong o_o …neva in the history of nigg@dom.
Do you say lie-berry instead of library?
“Let’s try to remember that Lebron is only 25 which is young according to today’s standards. The spotlight is on him but trust he is no different from many of the young NBA stars today. They got rich, young with little growing.”
Exactly, good point. Not only is the fatherless-ness an aspect, but the mofo has been coddled for being a good hooper for a nice portion of his life.
And I admire you, SFG in terms of you teaching your daughter. Much needed in today’s world. Gone ‘head, girl!
Gur yu no i got my degry online fo 24.99.
Thanks for the mommy compliments Cheekie!
Great post. Thanks for bringing this up. I’ve always said a missing father affects the children. It just affects sons and daughters differently. And this problem just repeats itself each generation until somebody realizes it and breaks the cycle. It’s so hard though to see how much it effects you when you don’t have anything to compare it to.
It’s so hard though to see how much it effects you when you don’t have anything to compare it to.
good point. it’s kind of how you hear people mention that they didn’t realize that they were poor (or rich) when they were growing up until they saw a bit more of the world
U make a good point. Some of these young men have less sense (cents!) then a penny with a hole in it. Though I hardly think Lebron is the classic example for black men with these kinds of issues. He seems like a nice guy trying to find his way. He’s not a hoodlum or anything. Maybe that’s because basketball kept him out of trouble. *shrug*
Though I hardly think Lebron is the classic example for black men with these kinds of issues. He seems like a nice guy trying to find his way. He’s not a hoodlum or anything. Maybe that’s because basketball kept him out of trouble. *shrug*
this is exactly my point. just because he’s not a hoodlum and seems to be a nice guy doesn’t mean that he’s not dealing with these issues as well
I disagree.
I think a lot of LeBron Raymone’s behavior is exactly the same as anyone–from the fatherless to Theo Huxtable– would be doing in his position. He’s a talented man, and he is also building a brand. Who wouldn’t be? His isn’t a “thirst for attention”. Kim Kardashian has a “thirst for attention.” Ray J has a “thirst for attention.” While some of his decisions (all of which need not bear a capital D) may have been a bit garish, movement in the opposite direction might spur the exact same theory– LeBron is listless when it comes to his own career, because he’s a black man sans daddy.
Do people think MJ is harboring latently homosexual tendencies because he seems to be in denial about Pippen’s role in his own success, much like a man might deny his own sexuality when it conflicts with what he thinks “should be”?
I doubt it. Everything isn’t an instance of the illuminati among us, or psychological issue we never knew we had. So while the connection is convenient– LBJ ‘abandoned’ Cleveland because that’s all he knows how to do– it’s simply inaccurate and unfair to a talented athlete, free of his contract and weary of carrying an entire team and city on his back for the first 7 years of his career.
So, maybe in that realm, the daddyisms do hold up, because it seems that he was damned if he did, and damned if he didn’t.
I usually like to finish strong and sh*t in a comment, but I got nothing.
I don’t think the point was free agency/leaving Cleveland alone … WOW at not seeing this dudes NEED for attention…neva had I seen anything like the hype around this dude latest press conference and the whole lead up etc and how many rings you got son, oh ZERO,..he’s super dry, peanut butter brittle LLS
“Everything isn’t an instance of the illuminati among us…”
Being a commenter on this site is. This is a cult. #VSBluminati
thing is, penelope, i’ve always thought this about lebron. while (considering his upbringing) i think he’s definitely well-adjusted and extremely successful, even before this decision fiasco he struck me as a guy dealing with daddy issues.
btw, you’re preaching to the choir in regards to him ‘abandoning” cleveland. although i don’t agree with the way he left, he owed that city absolutely nothing (especially considering he’s single-handedly brought in something like 400 million dollars in revenue to that area)
@Champ
I shall call him…Caribana. brings in dollars, yet taken for granted!
sorry. im cheesed about this.
http://www.thestar.com/news/gta/caribana/article/837332–caribana-cash-strapped-but-promises-to-still-deliver?bn=1
im anticipating the moderation. so to pre-empt..moderate deez!
“after you’ve gotten past the utter ridiculousness of a successful 50-something lawyer a) suing his neglected son because the son chose to ignore him (which is like a mugger suing you because you happened to be broke at the time he decided to mug you), b) publicly admitting that he had sex with a 15 year old girl when he was 29, and c) publicly admitting that he wasn’t able to sexually satisfy a 15 year old girl, another theme starts to emerge:”
I apologize (Anita Baker), but there is no after for me. Is this some ploy to get him to get his suing-money? I mean, if he’s willing to admit that he couldn’t satisfy a 15 year old AT EFFING TWENTY-NINE (which, hell, all things are possible in Christ, but what man is gonna admit it?), then if I were on the jury (or the judge), I’d believe him right then and there. No need to go on Maury.
Ok, so there IS, in fact, an after.
Re: Daddy Issues
I’m already starting to see that it will manifest in my own nephew. See, my bro-in-law (I call him that because he’s pretty much a part of my family now…but he and my sis have never gotten married as long as they’ve been together…like 12 years? ANYHOW), since finally splitting up with my sis (they had an on/off thang as you can imagine…I mean, TWELVE years?!) he hasn’t been around much to see my nephew. Of course, blaming my sister. WTFever. She’s volatile and temperamental, and he doesn’t have a car…but mofo get on an effing bus and do the hand-off.
Long story short (not really), my nephew uses to love him some Daddy. He would get HELLA excited when he’d come in the house, and just as excited just upon hearing his voice on the phone! Now? My sis says that when he came over recently (after having not seeing him in WEEKS…hell, maybe a month or so…they’re in the same dayum city mind you), my nephew just stood there and stared at him…then went about his business. Frankly, that ish broke my heart even hearing it. I can only imagine what it did to him. Who knows…
*sigh*
That really does suck for your nephew, Cheeks. Whether you or not you are with the mother of your children, man up and take care of your kids. That irks me a lot.
You can only imagine how much it irks my sister. And me. My nephew is only 3 years old.
I haven’t watched basketball in decades, but call me crazy, Lebron doing what the fuck he wants because he’s a commodity that errybody wants seems to me to be … umm … smart. If this sets a precedent that forces more athletes to self-determine rather than just be workhorses, I say “Go Lebron!”
…this is the opinion of someone who knows almost nothing about basketball…
If this sets a precedent that forces more athletes to self-determine rather than just be workhorses, I say “Go Lebron!”
***nodding head***
Mais c’est ca!!
Ok, I got excited. I meant to say: Exactly!
Great Post Champ!
I’ve come across many men with daddy issues that have manifested themselves in a variety of ways. Of course I’ve also met dudes with serious issues who were raised with their dad their their whole life…I guess this means sometimes things effect people one way while the same thing effects a different person a completely different way….ummm so yeah…I’m sure I had a point…and I’m sure I don’t know what it was.
“I’m sure I had a point…and I’m sure I don’t know what it was.”
take your time and sh*t. it’ll come to you
Marvelous post–was just having this convo a few days ago. As great of a player as Lebron is, he lacks that true-inner-confidence of folks who were well raised. Bravado and confidence are very different. When the game was really , REALLY on the line, Lebron didn’t want the ball because he didn’t believe he could do it.. The best news is that he is young. If he surrounds himself with good people (and casts out any of the selfish fools who told him that it would be a good idea to have that ONE HOUR Espn freakin’ special), he can be great on and off the court. I’d like to think we can somehow “overcome” bad parenting and/or lack of daddies.
Daddy issues are a beeeeatch.
As great of a player as Lebron is, he lacks that true-inner-confidence of folks who were well raised. Bravado and confidence are very different. When the game was really , REALLY on the line, Lebron didn’t want the ball because he didn’t believe he could do it..
eh. can’t agree with you here. lebron has actually made more clutch shots than anybody in the league (inlcuding kobe) in the past 5 years.
http://www.82games.com/0910/CSORT11.HTM
http://www.82games.com/gamewinningshots.htm
i agree with the daddy issues being a beeeeatch part though
My dad and mom were married for 20 years. Part of the reason they stayed married was for me and my sister (well, on my dad’s part, I don’t think my mom was privy to that info) A lot of folks say, “doing what’s best for the kids, isn’t always staying together.” And to those folks, I call BULLSHIT!
Here’s why: My dad was committed to being a dad. He wasn’t part time. He wasn’t sometime. He was ALL THE TIME! He could have left. He WANTED to leave, but he didn’t and that alone says that he understood what his presence meant for me and my sister’s future. Was he the best husband? No. Him and my mother could have done more to connect in their own way. But, they were committed to raise me and my sister to be the best and in order to do that, BOTH of them needed to be there.
I see women, a lot of Black women, who didn’t grow up with fathers and the issues they struggle with. I thank God I have never had to. I have my fair share of relationship issues on my own, and not having a father would have indefinitely complicated the issues I brought to the table in my own right.
So women who think “I can do it all…” sorry, but you can’t. It wasn’t designed that way. No knock to women who have had to do it all. But, the mentality of some that “I don’t need a man” is false and harmful. Just as any woman who didn’t have a father.
Hey Champ! This was a great post and I thank you for speaking on this topic. But #letsbehonest here.. I dont know if Lebron specifically has “daddy” issues – i think he just has “parent” issues PERIOD. I mean she had him when she was 15-16 (nothing against teen parents) but one can assume at that age a girl wouldn’t have the best parenting skills and/or knowledge, esp. being a single mom. She also “allegedly” was slobbin on the knob of one of this TEAMMATES!! (Someone in their 20′s??) On top of all that, she looks busted as f*ck.. You would think with all that money she would fix herself up a little better.
But another less talked about facet of this whole “daddy issues” quagmire, is the situation where an individual did grow up with both parents in the household however the mother/father was emotionally unavailable or was a workaholic or had some sort of mental issues. This can have the same effect as a parent being absent because they basically are even though they are physically present.
I know from personal experience…
But another less talked about facet of this whole “daddy issues” quagmire, is the situation where an individual did grow up with both parents in the household however the mother/father was emotionally unavailable or was a workaholic or had some sort of mental issues. This can have the same effect as a parent being absent because they basically are even though they are physically present.
i agree.
The bottom line is: children are affected by their rearing. The farther away we exist from the (albeit imaginary) ideal of working dad, loving mom, energetic dog… paradigm the more we are affected by it – even though the rules about what makes a perfect family are pretty much arbitrary. But, if we were to reject the ideal, then what standard would we have to base the quality of our own lives, relationships, etc? Paradoxical and what not.
#isawinceptionthisweekend
I agree. Children are affected by their rearing and all their issues are spilled into their adulthood. You won’t even know you have parent issues until you start getting into relationships. Been there and now going thru major self-reflection.
I too saw Inception and it’s by far the dopest movie this year
another issue that i feel doesn’t get enough attention is father issues that males have when the father is there physically but not emotionally. my parents didn’t get divorced till i was 20 years old. my father was always around yet he wasn’t. i still kind of resent my father a lot. we never really had the father/son relationship that i always wanted or i saw my friends have with their fathers.
wow. you and pop culturalist are saying basically the exact same thing. maybe you two should form a support group (or just hook up)
maybe we should (re: the support group).
@Champ & MadScientist7
Unfortunately, I definitely agree with this.
I admire great single moms, I really do. However, it’s not a life I would want for my daughter, sister, bestfriend etc. It’s hard, I know, because my mother is a single mom.
So why do so many people in the black community extol single motherhood? Yes, good (emphasis on that word) single mothers deserve their due respect, but I am apalled by the women who choose to become single parents or the ones who expect special treatment because of their single-parent status.
Like um, no. Let’s not encourage our little girls to wear single momhood as a badge of honor, and if you’re actvely making choices to get yourself knocked up my thug-life jailbird, there will be no praise coming from this end…no sir.
And if women are choosing to become single mothers, then at least have your ish together where you can take care of your children. It makes no sense to bring children in this world to suffer.
*steps down from soap box
@nubiankween
passes collection plate you took it to CHURCH!!
i wouldn’t give up either of my nephews for NUFFIN..but i know it was hard and not the ideal situation for my sisters.
“So why do so many people in the black community extol single motherhood”. Just because it CAN be done, doesn’t mean that it should be. I guess our supermoms make it look easy, when there is nothing harder in the world. It needs to stop.
oooo chile this hit home but on a slightly different angle! My mom is a single silent mom and admitted that she didn’t want my father in my life. All she did was badger men thus creating trust issues in me from birth. I understand not wanting to be dealing with your ex-boo but if you have a child with that person, you must compromise unless he’s a convict. I don’t think my mother ever realized that her children (my sister and I) were the ones suffering from her decision. My father on the other hand, wasn’t man or cared enough to step up and be present. He was just like “u don’t want me around cool then” and stayed absent which I don’t respect. Honestly, I resent both my parents and know I will never have a mom dad relationship with them. Lucky for me I had an aunt who and uncle in law who stayed present in my life emotionally…
Totally agree.
Having a child is a BIG decision… and two people have a say in it.
LOX!!!
took me long enough (#TWSS)
i don’t wanna delve into the whole Lebron thing.. that’s been beaten every which way from sunday..
my brother was raised without my father.. (I was 10, he was 2 when dad left) and even before then, my father was absentee (cheating will keep you from home).. my mother never got strong and became that strength for him.. it’s created this almost disgusting “mother-son/husband” relationship. I dont’ know how my father leaving has affected her and she likes to bury her head in the sand about it..
while i commend CBG’s mother for realizing what the situation was and becoming the strength she needed to be.. i’ve witnessed exactly the opposite and i see what havoc is wrought by the mothers that break down..
my brother exhibits a lot of Lebron’s traits..
flashy clothes (while the lights that he was supposed to pay is turned off)
always caring about what people think about him (while i don’t)
surrounded by friends..
i’ll even go one step further and say that my brother has no respect for my mother because she never instilled it in him.. thus my brother has no repsect for anyone else.. no one else’s things.. (he steals.) and because she doesn’t correct it, some days i don’t have respect for her.. (stoning may commence now)
it’s disgusting to witness… and another reason why i need to leave home..
#ImNastyWhenNeedBe
Nick I swear we related. My brother is a mama’s boy while she raised me with an iron fist. I’m the over acheiver while he…well let’s say he’s living a very cush life with no responsibilities. He even bought a boat last month and he lives at him with my parents. (Yes you read right, he bought a speed boat with all the trimmings). In addition to his nice car (that daddy/mummy pay for) and he even has a gym membership. It makes me sad and my parents are getting old so they just throws their hands up to the whole thing. Don’t feel bad girl. We are here on this. Every time my brother comes to visit me, I just throw a plate of food in front of him and use that time to shove some knowledge down his throat and guilt trip him about his life. If I got to be his daddy then so be it.
@Nickerz & SFG:
can we start a mom support group? lol.
i’ve noticed a lot with single moms that they are MUCH harder on their daughters than their sons. I’m sure this is historical/sociological/cultural/anthropological reasons for it, but it is sometimes hard to swallow watching your little brother disrespect your moms and her not doing anything about it, knowing fully well that if i even had THOUGHTS about doing some of the ish he’s pulled..well.. the belt/shoe/wooden spoon wasn’t far from hand.
altho I didn’t grow up with any siblings I have observed that mothers are harder on their daughters, expect and demand more of them, while they tend to dote on their on sons,
……. fathers dote on their daughters etc…
this concept, i understand..
however, when there’s no father in the house to dote on
the daughter, she’s left out in limbo.. wondering “hey, what about me?”
it happened in my house.. except when my brother was born, my father doted on him too because he was the boy.. not staying (and moving back to jamaica) to ensure he became a man..
parting words: “if yu tunn fassy, i’ll kill yu..”
guess what my brother is.. (but won’t admit it..)
i know this post was about daddy issues, but the lack of one/parenting is definitely a great topic, and a factor in relationships.
unlike with CBG, many mothers are harder on their daughters because their moms were hard on them. they want to make sure they grow up to be self-sufficient and proficient in many areas (cooking, caring, cleaning etc..). the same emphasis isn’t done for many males. then those boys grow up (well.. most do..cough, cough..) and become men who have an expectation that its cool to live in ya moms house til 33, who expect to find a woman to do all the things for them that their mom did or didn’t teach them.
and of course there are women who are more than happy to do so. but it’s when 2 ppl find each other whose backgrounds/upbringing dont coincide with each other, that problems arise.
you have given much food for thought today Champ. thanks for a great post. and pardon my interruptions up above.
@SFG, Nickerz and Keisha Brown,
That is very interesting that hear that perspective from you guys. People always assume that I am a mama’s boy because of how much I talk about my mom. Before I got out of high school, here and I got into a lot because I was becoming more of a man independent and she was just being a mom. She was harder on me than my sisters because she wanted me to be a man and not let life beat me down because she knew how hard it was out there. I love her to death for that because she didn’t coddle me or shelter me from the world. She taught English in one of the worst areas of the city so she saw everyday that if she let up on me what could happen to me. My little sister is a clone of my mom, both Libras, both independent and both baby girls of the family so they butt heads with each other because they act so much alike. I thought they were going to kill each other when I went off to college but when I would come home, they were getting along just fine. I guess I never used my folks splitting up as a reason to act negative against her because she gave me everything she could. The idea of disrespecting her to prove I was a man was the last thing I would ever want to do. At 28, getting a whupping by her still scares the hell out of me, and I know plenty of dudes that feel the same way.
I like this topic Champ because this has been said on sports radio for the past week, that Lebron’s lack of having a father growing up influenced his actions of late. I really think the best example of this complex is Terrell Owens. His reality show has been interesting to me because the guy had his dad stay across the street from him for YEARS before he knew who his dad was. That guy has some real daddy issues.
My folks split up when I was 5. My dad and I still get along well and still talk. I lived with my mom most of life and spent my summers with my dad in Austin until he moved back to Dallas and got remarried. Him getting remarried didn’t bother me as much as did my little sister, who went from not having to compete for my dad’s attention to having to with my stepsister, who lived with my dad everyday. It put a strain on their relationship for a long time and now that my dad is pretty much done with my stepmom, I see that him and my sister talking more now. I really thank God for that.
My dad really influenced me the way a father should even though I didn’t live with him. He taught me to respect authority, say sir and ma’am when I address people (I still do that today), to have a firm handshake, he took me camping and fishing, how to work on cars and to always look out for people you care about. My dad had 9 brothers and sisters, and he was the oldest son so he always looked out for his family. I have cousins who have been in and out of the pen, but whenever they get out, they always looked to my dad to keep them on the straight and narrow as best he could. Could have been more affectionate to me and my sister? Yeah, but he was always there for me, even through college. He may not tell me he is proud of me all the time, but when I talk to my aunts or my grandmother, they know everything I am going to tell them because he brags about my sister and I all the time, to everyone, and that is good enough for me.
I do wish he could have been there more when I was smaller, but my dad exposed me to a lot and actually helped develop my eclectic personality and tastes. I just worry that when I get married someday, will I be able to keep that woman happy. My dad was married 4 times and I fear that it may something passed on to me. I always said that I would more of the father than my dad was to me and kids has a special place in my heart. I always felt like that I wouldn’t stay married all my life and I would want custody of my kids and be a single father, cook, clean, get them dressed, take them to school, do homework, the whole nine. I try not to be that negative, but it crosses my mind a lot. I know in this day and age unless there is something horribly wrong with the mother, a man is not going to get full custody of his children, but I feel when the time comes for me to be a father, I want to be everything to them.
When I realized what my close circle friends had to go through with their dads ( One didn’t meet his dad until he was 16, one’s dad was killed in their backyard, one’s dad had a illegitimate child and the same time he was born and they ended up college roommates), I thank my lucky stars for my dad and what he meant in my life. Things could have always been worst and just the times that he was around helped keep me out of jail and got me through college and into manhood.
Don’t do that CBG. I see too many men filled with fear that they inherited traits from their fathers. You will be an awesome husband, I know because you type so well.
Don’t doubt yourself. Instead learn from your dad and the men around you. Use their mistakes as lessons you don’t have to repeat. Your parents did an incredible job raising you. Our parents may not be perfect in their lives but it doesn’t take away from what they have given us so keep thanking your dad. Just stay confident in yourself.
Are you a serial killer/rapist? (tell the truth) Cause if not, we must know each other one day. lol
“Are you a serial killer/rapist? (tell the truth) Cause if not, we must know each other one day. lol”
@SFG, The Dexter-like accusation in jest ticked me, lol!
Are you a serial killer/rapist? (tell the truth)
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
SFG: you are my girl for real. you officially slayed me with that one. buffy. no vampire.
I appreciate that, darlin’. I really do. I try to worry about it as much as I used to, but it does cross my mind at times. I saw the old man few weeks back at a family gathering in the country and a lot of my older cousins were telling me how much my dad looked out for them like he looked out for me. One of my cousins said he helped him pay for a semester of community college, when my aunt couldn’t do it.
I guess I am odd because my mom is my biggest influence and I feel like as hard as it is, I feel like I would be a great father even I did it by myself because she did it.
No I am not a serial killer or rapist. No means no with me (like I ever get that far anyway).
Hmmm, what? If you killed for good I would forgive you. There’s always a reason for everything. I don’t pre-judge. lol…and stop pretending like you don’t get none. I know you’re probably a sexy Steve Urkel huh?…with sexy glasses and sexy spidey clothes and sexy talk about love for women and ish…just sexy
I like Dexter when I catch in online. I could see myself doing that, using my powers for the common good, which is probably why I like it. Sexy Steve Urkel? Girl, stop. Sexy glasses? They’re cool, but need some new ones. Sexy Spidey clothes? Well, I have received a lot of compliments in my favorite Spider-man t-shirt. That last part? I don’t know what you are talking about. lol
Hey, CBG. I in no way mean to assume to know you on that level or know your history and my intent is in the essence of support and uplift. That said, the fact that you are even concerned or cognizant of what you deem certain traits or mistakes are makes me think you hold the power to not repeat them. I think it is natural for us all as we reach adulthood to see our parents in a more human manner and maybe be afraid of some of the mistakes we have seen them make and hope we can avoid that. I know how I viewed things as a child is very different than I do as an adult. I am blessed to have great relationships with my parents (Mom passed on, RIP) even though they divorced when I was young. I think part of being better and doing better is being honest with ourselves and recognizing it all in the first place.
Thank you for your kind words. You are right about looking at your parents in a more human manner when you grow up. I feel like my dad wants me to do better than he did in all aspects of my life and never looks down upon me. He always pushes me up and to keep doing well. That issue has been on my mind lately for some reason. Thanks for the encouraging words.
You kick @ss with all of the comic book character avis you keep changing up. Cool.
LMAO! I didn’t know anyone was seeing that. It’s time for a new avi and after finding a bunch of black female superheroes I’m being indecisive, lol!
Side note to your side note.
You give Lebron too much credit in attempting to “eschew” the Jordan model of winning. If you go back and read articles and interviews, It is very clear that Lebron wanted to be (and WIN) like Jordan.
His jersey number was 23 for Christ sakes. How much more ‘Stan’ish can you get?
It was only when he realized that he wasn’t as good as Jordan and couldn’t deliver like Jordan did that he came up with his own model of winning.
Okay, back to the conversation at hand…
This post made me think about where I would be without having a positive male influence in my life. Although my bio-father was hardly around, I was fortunate enough to have a step-father that raised me since I was a baby and treated me as his own until he died (when I was 21). He was an excellent example of what men who care about their wives and families do. People can yak all day about what a father means to a child, but unless the father is living that message, then it makes no difference.
Been reading the blog for a while, never commented. But I must say, this may be one of the best entries you have written. You talk about relationships with the opposite sex a majority of the time, but sometimes I feel we need to start with relationships with our own self. That starts with what how our parent(s) made us feel about ourselves. Enjoy the site, God bless you and your endeavours
**now wants to know the deal w/ A’mare & Iverson’s mothers**
Interesting post!
Most excellent post, Champ.
Best.
Post.
Ever.
http://jonubian.com/2010/07/13/patriarchy-damages-men-too-no-really/
wow… incredible … that we couldve easily been me ….
I got lucky… extremely lucky …. i knew who my father ( deadbeat bastard that he is ) was, and even better received instructions from his older brother ( a real dad ) and how to be a man..
so i didnt have the authority problem with my elders….
but yes this is a huge problem isnt it ??
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