We’re nearing the end of November that can only mean one thing – Thanksgiving is nigh. And what does nigh mean?
It means nearing, you academic, you.
Anyway, Black Friday is the day when folks blow their wads on uber-discounted discount price gifts for who shot John and Oh John the Rabbit (oh yes). It really is the most wonderful time…of the year. Giving and receiving. Happy mornings and happy endings. Love, smiles, and thanks.
Basically, it’s like pr0n except the polar opposite, and if it was sponsored by a jolly old fat man who epitomized the term, ice cold (no Alpha). Since I’m human, I love gifts. There’s nothing like somebody figuring out that one gift you didn’t realize you wanted until you got it. Similarly, there’s nothing like giving a gift to somebody who will truly appreciate it.
Which brings us to the point of today’s post, you can SO totally go wrong with gift-giving. There are people who genuinely SUCK at gift-giving. We all know somebody like this; they should be sent out with a list, a camera video phone, and a chaperone at all times. Well, in case that person is you, I figured the least I can do is highlight some gifts that NOBODY wants. Period.
It’s the least I can do. ‘Tis the season!
Take a gander – a goose if you must.
1) Snuggie
Yeah yeah, I know, it’s the blanket with sleeves or some such bull malarkey. Look, kimo, the ONLY good thing to come from this Snuggie phenomenon is the commercial for it and more specifically the white dude raising the roof and partying like it’s 1999 or something. Ironic considering that I think the last time somebody raised the roof and wasn’t pop culturally retarded was probably 1999. Anyway, if you must get somebody one, the leopard print is definitely the way to go. At least then, they’ll think it’s a gag gift.
2) So Fresh, So Dry aka FreshBalls
And yes, it is exactly what you think it is. If you’re dating a man who’s having an overly moisturized problem in his nether regions….skip it, are you tired of your hands sliding off of his balls when you get to fondling? Well, ladies you’re in luck. Except you’re not. This is a terrible gift. The name alone sounds like a joke, but it’s real. However, there is something to be said about the insane comedic value of saying “sweaty balls” out loud. I dare you to say it and not at least crack a smile.
Sweaty balls.
*smile*
This sh*t right here, ninja? This sh*t right here? Look, the fact that you might ACTUALLY polaroid the poonanny and send it thru the world wide web (no pun intended) is bad enough. But expecting to get a necklace in return that you expect ANYBODY to wear around their necks is taking ewwwwww to a whole new level. Read my lips (um, not my lips, I don’t have lips, well not THOSE lips…this is going nowhere fast), this is a bad idea. This doesn’t even work on a feminist, “owning my vajayjay” level. By the way, in the pic on the site, the one on the far left (the brown one) looks like it got a bad strain of H1N1 vaccine, like it was mixed with cyanide and Five Alive.
The fact that the plant grows into an afro, one of which Obama does not have, isn’t even the big problem here. The problem is that it costs $19.95 to own something that essentially looks like a homeless alien with a mole. Oh, and it doesn’t look like Obama. As an aside, am I the only person who thinks that the Chia people have been WAITING to come out with a Black person worthy of a chia so they could run with the afro? No? I think too much? Ok. Ok. You’re right. You’re right.
Let’s help the people, people. What are some other terrible gift ideas?
Keep relationships alive. Keep the love alive.
Keep hope alive.
-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL, HE A 3
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{ 195 comments… read them below or add one }
HAHA! I bought my dog a snuggie… he hates me for it. lmao
@Buxxy, why, oh why, did you purchase a snuggie for your pooch?
i always feel bad for pets with owners who find new and impressive ways to de-animal them.
@Panama Jackson,
I always think the dogs in the advertisements for the pet snuggie are thinkin’ “Dis some bullsh*t”.
snuggies are the worst. i could actually ok them for dogs. but ppl?? you gotta be an idiot to need a snuggie to function and stay warm.
@The One & True GEM… of the Ocean, i kinda wish I had one right now. It IS hard to type and keep your arms warm. I would openly mock someone who gave one to me, but I would secretly use it.
@Dee, As much as I made fun of this reverse house robe, I kinda want one too
@Mr. Gundam, right now i am typing with one hand because it is cold in here–and that is the ONLY reason TYVM.
@Dee, guess your heat doesn’t work?
@Panama Jackson,
lmao that OR they dont own sweaters/sweatshirts. or have actual robes.
@Dee,
Word!! I want a snuggie REALLY bad. They are extra useful. I just don’t want to pay for them is all.
@The One & True GEM… of the Ocean, I must be the only person on the planet who think Snuggies look kinda fun. I know you can’t be caught dead in one now, but still…
@Stuff Ghetto People Like, it looks fun after watching that commercial. i actually plan on getting one for myself…and wearing it out in public. mine is for entertainment purposes only. you are GUARANTEED to embarass anybody you’re with if you rock a snuggie to the movies.
@Stuff Ghetto People Like,
sadly, youre not the only one. i know plenty of ppl who own snuggies and think the world of them.
@Stuff Ghetto People Like, I must be the only person on the planet who think Snuggies look kinda fun.
you MUST.
*controlling snuggie induced rage*
@Stuff Ghetto People Like,
Nope you are not. I actually will campaign for the snuggie if I could. It’s just brilliant. I love lounging on my couch on sunday afternoons while reading and/or watching TV and my extremities get really cold… The Snuggie is the perfect accessory to turn my pages and/or change channels on the telly.
Yeah, Snuggies are fun. I rep for ‘em.
@Stuff Ghetto People Like,
what about a slanket (qvc.com)…it’s the same concept, except there’s this big ol’ pocket at the bottom to warm your feet and a kangaroo pocket up front for you to store your remote, or warm your hands or store a box of plain strawberry poptarts and some ding dongs (that’s why i want it.)…and they come in better colors…
The Snuggie made $60 million and that ish pisses me off to no end.
@Yonnie3k,
Wish you woulda have thought of it huh?
Me too.
@Yonnie3k,
Wish you woulda have thought of it huh?
Me too.
@miss t-lee,
ill apparently never make money as an inventor then becuz i would NEVER think to make some ish that is unreasonable
@Yonnie3k,
I know! Made me wish I was high as a kite one day and put my robe on backwards and was like…”*lightbulb moment* Eureka! Instant toastiness!!”
@The One & True GEM… of the Ocean,
Don’t dogs come with snuggies..called fur?
@Monk,
*loud laugh*
@Monk,
*high five*
@Cheekie,
I DO so wish I had thought of it too though. It all really makes sense. Humans love their dogs and pets SO much it’s no wonder that they naturally would want their own “fur”. We missed the boat on this one. Dang.
@Monk,
We really did. I need to think of a silly invention that will make millions of dollars. I mean who care if it’s stupid…I’m not buying it…just making loads of money off of it. lol
@Cheekie,
RIGHT!
@Monk,
LOL well ppl put all kinds of crazy outfits on their dogs for no good reason. esp toy dogs, i guess their natural fur isnt enough to keep em warm. idk. but ppl?? i mean if you cant put on some warm clothes and/or crank your heat and feel a snuggie is the ONLY way to cure your cold body while watching tv or reading, then you just suck at life.
@The One & True GEM… of the Ocean,
Or they just need iron supplements or something.
@Monk, LOL
Snuggies are everywhere. They’re $15 at Wegmans and my coworker’s think it’s cute to bring them to work.
@Andrea, wow…that is cheap. i keep seeing them for like 29.99 in places. that’s the only that’s stopped me from buying one so far.
@Panama Jackson,
DO NOT BUY A SNUGGIE. I repeat – DO NOT BUY A SNUGGIE. I test drove the one my sister bought and the doggone thing is not going to keep you warm if you have the heat set at the energy/money-saving winter thermostat setting of 68degrees.
It’s a rather flimsy piece of material. You’d do better to take a flannel robe and put it on backwards.
H#ll, that’s all the things are anyway – backward @ss robes.
@SexyCool,
thank you!!! them thangs look cheap as hell with that thin behind material. ive seen one up close and personal and lemme tell ya — id never let it touch my bare skin.
@The One & True GEM… of the Ocean, i hate snuggies!!!!
i hate snuggies!
snuggies are for bamas.
@Andrea,
LOL. I have a coworker that has hers at work too. SMH
I buy Visa Gift Cards…no muss…no fuss…go get your own bloody gift as I lack the ability to read minds or care
@Siobhan Means Woman of Wisdom, you sound like you had a few bad gift buying situations at some point in life.
*patting couch*
come sit on the sofa and tell P about it…
@Panama Jackson,
No bad experiences…I don’t buy gifts unless I know EXACTLY what they want…if I don’t…here’s your Visa Gift Card *two fingers*
@Siobhan Means Woman of Wisdom,
the only thing about gift cards is how much do you give without looking cheap?? i mean, if you want to give somebody an inexpensive gift but make it look like its worth something, gift cards arent the way to go. im a fan of buying discounted gifts (tj max, outlets, clearance rack).
@The One & True GEM… of the Ocean,
Adults don’t get gifts, only kids, so there is no concern about looking cheap.
Here’s a $20 Visa Gift Card…don’t spend it all in one place…Ciao!
I’m one of those people who just buy stuff when I want it for myself or others so holidays are like w/e
I cant find the picture but their is something out there called the snuggie karma sutra.
Thats right sexual positions while wearing a snuggie
@Mr. Gundam,
hahaha, that ish is hilarious. I saw it awhile back. That would be thesnuggiesutra.com.
C’mon ya’ll?! How can you not want a snuggie now? lol.
@MzKang, b/c if you could just as easily get UNDER a blanket.
@Mr. Gundam,
AHAHAHAHA! LMFAO @ a world where the Snuggie turns on a man more than a woman wearing Vicky Secret’s lingerie.
I’m assuming the leopard print makes the person feel extra chexy?
I want the Obama chia pet. Not as a gift. But I want one.
@V.E.G., why, praytell?
or are you one of those black people who collects all things Obama?
@Panama Jackson,
I will fall out on the floor laughing (and SMH simultaneously) if VEG has the pack o’ Obama condoms.
@Cheekie,
Or the Obama gym shoes:
http://media.cnbc.com/i/CNBC/Sections/News_And_Analysis/_News/_SLIDESHOWS/Obama_Collectibles/Obama_sneakers.jpg
@Monk,
My life was better before I saw the above. Thanks. lol
I mean, really, my people? REALLY?
(I’m totally not suprised…but REALLY?!!)
@Monk, I thought you were talking about the Obama Air Force Ones.
Those look like they’re just Obama Airs.
@Cheekie,
You ain’t seen them coins on late night tv?
http://www.hsn.com/collectibles/coins-barack-obama-coins_c-co0007_a-6371_xc.aspx
First time commenting!
I was in front of a lady in Walmart…she bought 5 snuggies…. and somewhere on Christmas 5 children will be VERY dissappointed…
And here is the snuggie karma sutra site: http://thesnuggiesutra.com/
@umm..riiiiiiight, was she an old lady? if she was old it might not be so bad. at some point, your grandmother has to get you some kind of WTF gift.
I got a teddy bear once from my grandmother that said Iowa on the foot.
she lives in michigan.
@Panama Jackson,
she probably got the teddy bear from the Iowa 80 truck stop. largest truck stop in the world?? it has TONS of souvenir crap in there.
I have every intention of buying myself the zebra print Snuggie. That is all for now…. good night.
@N.I.A. naturally,
I just saw the purple one (my fav. color) so now I’m intrigued…LMAO
@miss t-lee, what’s wrong with you people?
@Panama Jackson,
I’m not buying one, I just said I was intrigued. CTFU!
@ Panama Jackson,
Oh yeah…you heard that new Snoop Dogg?
@miss t-lee,
Not buying on but “intrigued”? Sounds like you’re throwing around hints that you want someone to buy one for you. I’m just sayin’..
How’s Snoop new joint? I hate that “Gangsta Luv” shyt with Dream. That SUCKS!
@Monk,
No I don’t want one…but I do love all things purple. *snicker*
I haven’t heard it all I just heard “I Wanna Rock.” It was alright, I’ma look up that one with the Dream, it should be interesting.
@N.I.A. naturally,
A kindred soul. I have sent out my lists: there is a snuggie on every list. The more the merrier. Lol!
I am not trying to go trek the Alaskan country side in a snuggie… I just want to be warm in my 75 degrees house and my Houston winter. “tis all.
Is that a fruity charlotte russe?
I don’t do the gift giving season, so I can’t really comment.
Though I do know when it’s Father’s Day, giving a man a tie (especially some tacky, goofy print) is simply thoughtless.
And you probably shouldn’t give a person who wants an iPhone, Droid, or Blackberry a Jitterbug.
@Stuff Ghetto People Like, “I don’t do the gift giving season, so I can’t really comment.”
Same boat as you chief. Although, I can always use more ties . . . not some silly crap . . . but more for the work wardrobe (and to frequent the DC snooty type venues) can never hurt
@IVR, folks make it sound like DC is snobbier than Manhattan, Beverly Hills or San Francisco could ever be.
@Stuff Ghetto People Like, you ain’t seen snooty ninjas until you’ve come to a party in DC and 74 percent of the male population rocks an ascot and carries a pipe.
@Panama Jackson, a bunch of Roland Martins, WTF?
@Stuff Ghetto People Like, “folks make it sound like DC is snobbier than Manhattan, Beverly Hills or San Francisco could ever be.”
yeah, you’d be surprised what a government job would have folks acting like in these parts. Too bad none of them work at my agency . . . at least I’d get a little eye candy at the job.
@Stuff Ghetto People Like,
In my experience, dress code wise? DC errs more alongside the snootier than any of the places you mentionned. California has the whole relaxed-laid-back-while-expensive thing down pat. Manhattan is brimming with more trendy types, but DC has more of a I-dress-all-suited-up thing going on.
They may all have equal amounts of snooty, but the DC dress style is different and more on the formal side.
@Stuff Ghetto People Like,
And by the way, good call on the cake name! It is indeed a fruity charlotte russe !
(Now my mind can’t help to wonder how you knew that!!
)
@Sula, the lady fingers were a dead giveaway (I’m a foodie that’s been around the block like that).
HOw about yall get sum Gas Bill Money?
@The Hallway, that would have been dope in like June 2008…but now, it just seems thoughtless. lol.
unless you live in Cali.
@Panama Jackson,
id happily except gas bill $$
-giving someone a Pyrex dish is a terrible idea. not only because giving someone (and by “someone,” i mean a woman) housewares as a gift isn’t a good idea anyway, but also because those things are dangerous! last christmas my mom was cooking (dangerous in and of itself) and–no bullsh*t–this Pyrex casserole dish that was sitting on the stove spontaneously combusted….um….what the h*ll? i could be typing this while wearing an eye patch and a ski mask right now.
–it’s not necessarily a good idea to get anybody weight loss supplements or fitness aids for the holidays (although that’s what everybody on my list is getting this year. because i don’t give a da*n about your feelings. b*tch, i’m trying to save your life. with these acai berry pills and this yoga mat….lol) people just get all self conscious and offended.
–it’s not a smart idea to buy somebody with whom you share a living space a handgun. i choose not to elaborate.
@charli, especially if give # 2 & 3 together, your S.O. or roommate may be tempted to use you for target practice.
@charli skipper, “it’s not a smart idea to buy somebody with whom you share a living space a handgun.”
This actually sounds like a great idea to me. Or maybe a semi automatic shotgun with a pistol grip whenever it comes out. I always believe there would be a lot less crime if everyone was armed. The folks that wanna do bad got guns already (no republican). I’m just saying . . .
@IVR, I’m with ya on that. I can’t wait for the Supreme Court to overturn this hand gun ban they got in the Chi. Once that happens, I’m buying meself a safe and stocking it with all types of gats…but they all gotta have a biometric gun safe…I don’t put it passed my wife to wanna empty a clip in my a$$ sometimes.
@HabitualLineCrossa,
i think that was the entire reason charli said handguns shouldnt be given as gifts lol. dont wanna have your gift used against you
@The One & True GEM… of the Ocean, oh I got that part…hence the biometric gun safe so that only I can use it.
My wife told her friends that she knows for a fact that I would never put my hands on a woman, cos if I hadn’t done it by now with all the sh!t she does, its not in me to do it. She was all giggling an sh!t when she said it…oh…its that funny that u drive me up the effin wall??!!! U know what, maybe I should second Charli’s motion…I don’t need a case lol
@The One & True GEM… of the Ocean, “i think that was the entire reason charli said handguns shouldnt be given as gifts lol. dont wanna have your gift used against you”
Yeah I guess that is kinda adding insult to injury. Not only did you get shot . . . you put it under the christmas tree . . . I can see that.
@IVR,
I second that motion!
@charli skipper, “–it’s not necessarily a good idea to get anybody weight loss supplements or fitness aids for the holidays (although that’s what everybody on my list is getting this year. because i don’t give a da*n about your feelings. b*tch, i’m trying to save your life. with these acai berry pills and this yoga mat….lol) people just get all self conscious and offended.”
How bout Proactive? Or them Breathe Right strips?
@charli skipper, re: the weight loss or fitness thing…
that’s what Wii Fit is for. if you get somebody that, they can’t be but so mad.
@charli skipper,
See we’ve had that conversation before. I GLADLY accept housewares as gifts. I actually prefer housewares as gift from my guy friends… they are usually clueless about what to get so it’s just easy: get me a set of banging wine glasses, you can never have enough of those!
Plus it’s practical and I will use it, so please let’s not disseminate the idea that women don’t love them around… Thanks!
@charli skipper,
i learned the pyrex dish on the stove lesson a few years back. i never understood that…you can bake or microwave in it but ya can’t cook in it? wth?
I think the next blog should be “Gifts that keep on giving”
@CryssyAlexis,
You want to read a whole blog post about herpes?
*snickering*
@miss t-lee, niiiiiiiice.
@miss t-lee,
*snort*
@CryssyAlexis,
i was about to ask “wouldn’t that be about crabs or something?”
The other day my daughter and I were talking about dumb gifts. I said I’d get her soap. She had me watch the first 90 seconds of this funny video.
@Kit (Keep It Trill), her Aussie accent is quite adorable coming from her.
those pendants! How? Now? Hownow? sheeish! Either vahjainas don’t model well as stand alone products – or those were some unfortunate looking ones (gurrrl- that’s a two! ha ha ha) . And is it just me or is there too much, happy curiosity in the instructions on the website? It was a bit too weird guy in the park-ish for me. And thanks to this, Champ’s scenario of flying vajainas and pheenis monsters previously quite undisturbing, has now joined the list of things I have never seen and prolly don’t want to EVER see.
@Wanjiru, i cant lie, i was slightly disturbed for a minute after seeing that site…
Panama, i SO agree with you re: the snuggie. that horrid thing! a New York based cousin of mine offered to send me one when i complained about the recent Jo’burg cold snap. (very unseasonal winter-like weather, in the heart of what should be a hot-hot November!!)
i was like….thanks babygal, but save your dollars for something meaningful -that snuggie thing is HORRID. it’s such a bad idea, i can’t imagine who would actually pay money for that nonsense…. (besides my cousin, that is) *smh*
@superwoman, i’m starting to not believe folks…seems like enough folks on here are into snuggies for some odd reason.
i think everybody just wants to raise the roof on a couch like the white dude who is partying SO hard in his joint.
“The problem is that it costs $19.95 to own something that essentially looks like a homeless alien with a mole. ”
*cackling* I too, thing the Chia folks were just waiting in the wings with that Chia Afro….lmao
I’ve never seen a fruitcake like your picture example. Is that fruitcake for the well to do folks? The ones I’ve encountered normally have the glazed pecans on top with all the candied fruits inside.
I don’t really worry to much about recieving bad gifts, cause I’m quite the savvy re-gifter. I keep tabs of who me the bad gift, that way I don’t accidentally re-gift it to the person who gave it me, or someone that they might know.
@miss t-lee, i just have that sneaking suspicion about them. like the chia afro is just too easy. you can’t NOT do it.
The vagina pendant is disturbing. The first person, pet, etc I see wearing one in public will be royally roasted. I’m gunning for tears.
See here’s the problem. You and your S.O. might think its beautiful but the general populace probably does not. This goes with home chex tapes as things best left hidden.
@Stank-0,
“The first person, pet, etc I see wearing one in public will be royally roasted”
Yeah…I’m talking madd isht too.
@Stank-0, i’m 100 percent agreeance.
Do not give…
1. “Bump Its”
those hair pieces or….whatever they are that you place in your hair to give it height. These things make your hair look terribly fake. Even if it’s your real hair.
2. Gym membership for a lady… especially if she hasn’t talked about joining one. Just what are you tryin’ to say?
@Ivyette, “2. Gym membership for a lady… especially if she hasn’t talked about joining one. Just what are you tryin’ to say?”
To quote the character Tank from My Best Friend’s Girl…think that’d mean that “She could use a little more famine, and a little less fries.”
But for real though…there is no safe way to tell a girl that she needs to lose some weight without catching some flak that almost always leads to tears and (shout out to The Brothers) “desert d!ck”. How do you suggest that point is brought up?
@HabitualLineCrossa,
Say something like, “Babe, let’s go walking together.”
Or say, “I think we should spend more quality time together. You know, doing things we both like. Come join me at the gym. It will help us bond more.”
Words like “quality time” and “bonding” will help to mask your true intentions and will cover what you’re really trying to say.
The above quotes work waaaay better than ” Look, boo there’s a little too much of you to love.” or “I like having something to grab…just not so much!”
@Ivyette, oh I tried that but she was too slick for it. She hit me with the “oh you wanna spend quality time…at the GYM huh?” She got mad, tried the guilt trip, I didn’t love her enough yadayadayada.
I broke it down that it was bout HER health and standards, and my keeping myself in the best shape FOR HER (really for myself but hey) and she should do the same. For bout a month I couldn’t get no loving cos she was “too fat”. It wasn’t till I started talking bout them papers that she changed her steelo. She put in the work and we real good but sh!t got rocky for a minute.
Women all know the stuff we try to say to massage our point in…they still make us pay for saying it anyways. I jus thought there mighta been a betta way for folks out there.
@HabitualLineCrossa,
“It wasn’t till I started talking bout them papers that she changed her steelo. She put in the work and we real good but sh!t got rocky for a minute.”
Papers? Are talking about bribing her with marriage papers or you threatening her with a divorce?
@Ivyette, I was talk bout them “Ursher papers”. I mean damn, I believe in unconditional love like the next man but come on…you not supposed to let yourself go. Even in that Musiq song he like “I’ll love you when you gain a LIL weight”. We all have standards. I’ll hurt some feelings and/or walk before I’m content with her ballooning, risking her health, dealing with insecurities cos SHE gained weight and won’t do nothing bout it, then to top it all off she won’t give me none??? GTFOH!!!
@HabitualLineCrossa, how about buying her a bike?
@Stuff Ghetto People Like,
*Special Turkey Day edition throat punch*
@miss t-lee, *blocked* apparently you haven’t seen the ill bikes that I have on the streets…
@miss t-lee,
SGPL, please give thanks for receiving this special edition. lol
@ Stuff Ghetto People Like
Don’t try to clean it up, you get her at bike if you want to. I’m just tryna save some dude out here.
@ Cheekie
Pure D. Silliness
@Stuff Ghetto People Like, “how about buying her a bike?”
I did…it was collecting a helluva lotta dust till we had that real talk I mentioned above. Its just a touchy subject for them and imo there is no safe way to have that convo.
@HabitualLineCrossa,
“imo there is no safe way to have that convo.”
None.
@Stuff Ghetto People Like,
That’s a gift I WILL TAKE!!
My last bike cost me $800… and it was a refurb. I have my eye on another bike that is really out of my budget…. so yeah that nice Trek Madone 4.7? I’ll take it..
If anybody is feeling generous enough, here
here is what it looks like. Thanksmuch.
@Sula, nice wheels and frame, but I see you’re not ready for fixed gear single speed, eh?
@Ivyette,
“. “Bump Its”
those hair pieces or….whatever they are that you place in your hair to give it height. These things make your hair look terribly fake. Even if it’s your real hair.”
Ugh. Plus it encourages those dayum bouffant hairdos. Makes you look like either an overtanned Jersey Shore chick or a chick that should be eating burgers at a diner while wearing a poodle skirt. Why is that hairstyle even acceptable today?
@Cheekie,
“Why is that hairstyle even acceptable today?”
Two Words: Sarah and Palin.
@Monk,
Yup, I know. SMH. That heffa is making a lot of unacceptable things acceptable.
@Cheekie,
“Ugh. Plus it encourages those dayum bouffant hairdos. Makes you look like either an overtanned Jersey Shore chick or a chick that should be eating burgers at a diner while wearing a poodle skirt.”
Okay! Why would a woman want to walk around with half of a satellite dish protruding from her head?
@Ivyette,
AHAHA! Yes! Lookin’ like a NASA experiment.
LLS…..I personally don’t do holidays but this was funny none the less!
@Panama
…….why the brown pendant gotta look diseased????? hating Chocolate Vajayjay?
@Jackie, i personally love it…however tell me that one don’t look real…sick?
@Panama Jackson,
you’re right. I digress.
@Jackie,
that was quite hideous. there’s a better site at etsy–vulvalovelovely…the earrings look like calla lillies. still wouldn’t rock em tho…bleh!
First of all: where in the WORLD did you find the picture of that awful, awful cake?!? Second, that two cat carriage was just confusing.
But in general, anything that women’s magazine tells you would make a fabulous gift for anyone is probably a piece of crap. My December issue of Glamour (hey! It had Mrs. Obama on the cover!) suggested gifts where a portion of the proceeds goes back to charity. Nice sentiment, but a FAIL nonetheless. Who wants a teddy bear whose tummy says “Feed the World” or ugly Jimmy Choo flip-flops? The only Jimmy Choos worth having come with a 5 inch heel. Just sayin’.
@Brownbelle,
“suggested gifts where a portion of the proceeds goes back to charity.”
This reminds me of George Constanza and the “Human Fund”.
@miss t-lee,
LMAO!
@miss t-lee,
This reminds me of George Constanza and the “Human Fund”.
this was a classic episode. i’ve probably seen every episode of seinfeld.
@Tunde,
Festivus is almost here!!
@miss t-lee,
Do you have your pole ready?
@Brownbelle, Oh no! You hatin’ on that pretty cake? Man, we’d tear that up in my fam.
Please quit buying and gifting SPANKS. They create the most horrible deception known to man…once discovered, they automatically cause uncontrollable frowns.
@atltx, how about GYM memberships or would that just flat out be mean LMAO….seriously alot of mofos could use em….I’d be siced tho if someone paid my member fees for a year, but I already go on the reg
When your manfriend’s granny buys you maternity clothes is not the hotness–especially when you aren’t married and plan to break-up with him.
@Ms. Smart,
This sounds like you got re-gifted. For real.
First of all, I have opted out of Christmas and most other commercial gift giving occasions. I buy gifts for my friends and loved ones when I see something I want to buy them and when I have the CASH to do so. It can be March 14th or August 1st or whenever.
And B., the fact that I even clicked on the links to look at these sites is absolutely frickin’ hilarious to me.
Whereas my dude and I think that my va-jay-jay is a thing of joy and beauty, the P#ssy Pendant thing was just disgusting and shit. I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit. Blech!!!
I remember the worst Christmas morning my friend recieved when we were in high school. She got from Santa: a dictionary, a crepe pan, and a scale. WTF. especially since the scale and crepe pan are conflicting items. This is why I just request cold hard cash for the holidays. Christmas depresses the ish outta me anyway, so I usually wake up and start drinking. Happy holidays!
@VeronicaCorningstoneD, “Christmas depresses the ish outta me anyway, so I usually wake up and start drinking. Happy holidays!”
Word!
*mouth wide open* …. That clit necklace is really real. <—wait, maybe I should close my mouth. SMDH! Like for real people! Who does this?! That's horrible! Not to mention U.G.L.Y. I guess next is a penis ring. ARGH!
And ummmm sweaty balls lotion. ROFL!!!!! I'm done for the holiday. I wish I had a boo, I'd SOOOO get him that for a gag gift!
Great job Dontavious! Great job!
@Daydreamer,
Like you, I am in utter amazement that the pendant is real. I am completely flabbergasted at the fact that the item is sold out according to the link. Lemme see someone wearing one on the train one day, I swear fo’ gawd I will just perish.
@Cheekie, I think I’d just give a look of disgust. Stare really hard and turn away. You’re wearing a vagina on your neck dude(ette). REALLY?! UGH!
Thanks Panama for making me spit my overpriced coffee out from laughter. Thanks for nothing!
#5…”that’s ignorant” **in South Park’s Michael Jackson voice**
So I was in Foreman Mills the other day and I saw a bin full of imitation Snuggies called Sniggles or some shyt. Joking with the customer service rep, I said “you all sell those and people actually buy those cult blankets?” Dudes face lit up like “yeah! Them things are warm…don’t sleep!” So he indicted himself and I gave him the “oh rly” look. I laugh at the idea but there are some seniors and clueless homebodies that will snatch these things up, especially in designer leopard and zebra print.
Other bad gifts:
1. Any Ab-roller, -buster, -burner equipment. It will wind up sitting in the corner or on a table at your next Garage Sale. Plus, I don’t know anyone that actually works out their abs and it shows out here in these streets.
2. Ladies: do not buy Chocolate covered fruits and stuffed animals for a dude. I say again, do not do this shyt!
3. The Slap Chop – Although I have to admit that the commercial is catchy and the guy who sells it talks fast enough to make it seem interesting. You can use a knife and stop being lazy to chop your onions though…I know no one with this device.
4. Annointed prayer cloths. Imagine you’re an evangelist and for just $10 you sell your followers a $.25 a piece in bulk hankerchief with a cross sewn on (which cost an additional .10 cents since bought in bulk). Talk about a profit for a prophet!
@CPT Callamity,
“the other day and I saw a bin full of imitation Snuggies called Sniggles or some shyt”
A bootleg snuggie called a sniggle?
This is high comedy.
@miss t-lee,
I seent it wif my own eyeses!
@CPT Callamity,
“3. The Slap Chop – Although I have to admit that the commercial is catchy and the guy who sells it talks fast enough to make it seem interesting. You can use a knife and stop being lazy to chop your onions though…I know no one with this device.”
This commercial was probably the funniest thing I’ve seen in my entire life. The fact that it has creepy Shamwow guy singing to a weird techno auto-tune song selling slapchops is crazy. And it just came outta nowhere…. I was just passing the television and saw it. Stopped in my tracks. I sat there with a “O_O” expression on my face for the longest and then bust out into a sea of tear-filled giggles.
Good look on #4 too.
And bootleg Snuggies called Sniggles?! LMFAO. Only in America would someone bootleg an already bootleg arse product.
@Cheekie,
Check Youtube, there are some remixes starring the Shamwow Guy (what is his real name?) and they capitalize on his rapid fire delivery. Yeah…The Snuggie had some offbrand name to it, but if thats the case, I’m going to get some blankets cut a hole in the middle and call it the Blancho (get it blanket + Poncho). Hopefully that is not a curseword in spanish.
@CPT Callamity,
The Shamwow Guy was always smarmy, but now he’s extra creepy to me ever since he beat up a prostitute in a hotel a few months back…lmao
Them mugshots alone were like wow.
@CPT Callamity, lol@blancho…(patent it before someone steals it lol)
@Kaye,
Patent Pending…
@CPT Callamity,
This reminds me of the “Snugwow” that Bill Maher pitched on one of his “Real Time” episodes. A Snuggie combined with a Shamwow. It’s perfect for the guy who doesn’t want to get his arms cold reaching for the remote. But wait, there’s more. Due to the super absorbancy of the Snugwow, you don’t have to get up for the bathroom, either!
@Cheekie, “This commercial was probably the funniest thing I’ve seen in my entire life. The fact that it has creepy Shamwow guy singing to a weird techno auto-tune song selling slapchops is crazy.”
I want a slapchop . . . and a shamwow. . . that is all.
@CPT Callamity,
lol @ #1. ive actually considered getting an ab circle pro. it just looks like fun. if only it cost as much as a snuggie…
@The One & True GEM… of the Ocean,
I might as well sell you a Hoola Hoop and call it the Saturnator.
@CPT Callamity,
ill be waiting for your commercials…
@CPT Callamity, dayum, so you don’t know
ANYONE that works out their entire body regularly, ab work included and it shows…WOW…
I don’t know tons of folk, but I know a few..LLS…. myself and my trainer and some other serious gym associates
@OrangeStar616,
That seems to be the problem area for most folks it seems. Part of that is diet. I know some trainers and such but I think belly meat is increasing on a lot of folks or not a priority. That is only by observation though. Ever since they started making those pregnant shirts or whatever they are, people have been taking full advantage!
@CPT Callamity, if you don’t move it’ll get away from you esp as you get older and metabolism starts slowing down on your ass, excessive belly meat ain’t cute and it ages you inside out……..
i hate snuggies.
other terrible gift ideas:
-socks and underwear (unless you are my mother).
- pen sets. i don’t need a fancy pen. i can get a box of bics or papermates that will work just as well for a fraction of the cost.
-gift cards to stores that i could care less for.
@Tunde,
I so agree that the snuggie are a very bad gift idea….they’re just a bad idea period
(i do feel sorry for the pets….tsk tsk *smh*)
And, no undergarments should be given as gifts unless asked for….and for that matter gloves, hats and scarves shouldn’t be given either (especially if they CLEARLY DON’T look like something the person would wear)
@Kaye,
Ok, so what exactly should be given?
I seem to be confused. Because I’ll take any accessory (gloves, hats, scarves) any day.
Maybe I’m just an easy gift receivee.
@Sula, i’m saying that unless someone asks for undergarments (this is slightly different…cause it can depend on who gives it, what type it is…etc), hats, gloves…etc…don’t give it. This is especially if you know that what you’re buying isn’t apart of their style or what they’d like.
(This mostly pertains to major gift giving holidays…Christmas & Birthdays)
@Kaye, and Valentine’s day
@Kaye,
I once got into with a gf for buying me a sweater with the strangest of color on there, yet she was mad because I didn’t wear it. Cmon now…it was a vneck brown sweater with orange and white stripes. I’m not a Cleveland Brown’s fan…It’s still sitting in my closet until my nephew gets old enough for me to dump it off on him. Ha!
@Kaye, As much as I lose my gloves I’ll take a pair of gloves to get me through these DC winters….especially if they’re the good kind!…Heck I’ll even take the cheap ones as an emergency back up pair to keep in my coat pocket.
@Tunde,
I used to think the same thing but socks and drawers are essentials and necessary. Now if your granny consistently buys you church socks and those gray thermal socks with the red elastic then I could see where I would be pissed. I have Grandma/Aunts who make sure they send me cash for those items and I’m never mad at them because nothing beats a fresh pair.
@CPT Callamity,
Fresh pair = of drawers…nasty asses
@CPT Callamity,
who wants gifts that they NEED tho?? you should be consistently buying your own self fresh socks and undies.
@The One & True GEM… of the Ocean,
I do buy my own but Aunties kick me gift cards to buy whatever I need. Feels good when you get $300 to “buy everything you need” with. So socks and drawers are a priority while the rest gets me essential grown folk gear.
@Tunde, I could use some proper gloves myself. Not no throwaway brownies but not any uber-thick ski gloves either. Need something though, because L.A. has its days in the winter.
As a world-renowned
backwards-robeSnuggie hater, I think the Snuggie parody (The WTF Blanket) warms my cold Snuggie-hating heart. It’s so glorious: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h05ZQ7WHw8Y.One thing not to give as a gift:
Sarah Palin’s Book.
@Cheekie,
“One thing not to give as a gift:
Sarah Palin’s Book.”
If they need a doorstop, this could work.
@miss t-lee,
Hmm, great idea…hopefully the door isn’t offended.
@Cheekie,
LOL. I know I would be offended if someone bought me that ish.
Me, the lady with count ‘em 3 Obama ’08 and “Yes we did” stickers still on her car.
@miss t-lee,
Yeah, I would rebuke a nicca forever if I unwrapped that on Christmas. Says the lady who rocks an Obama photo and a “yes we did” moveon.org sticker in her pod (shorter version of a cubicle) at
the plantationwork. lol@miss t-lee,
You can always throw it in a fireplace as a wood substitute.
@Cheekie,
oh em gee i DIED at the WTF parody. ha frikkin larious. i think itd actually be better if Larry David were doing the voice over.
@Cheekie, That’s a funny video.
Ok, I just have to reply real quick before I finish reading the entry.
Panama man, do NOT, I repeat do NOT throw salt in my game… I WANT a Snuggie. Yes I, Sula, wants a Snuggie. I do not want to pay for it but I would really like for Santa to bring it to me. So x-nay on your #1, there are people out there who want a snuggie.
And I really wish I was being facetious, but I am so not. I need my snuggie. Lol!
Damn…just goes to show you can make a profit out of anything.
Vulva pendants and they are sold out…Really?
I’m sensing the grass-roots formation of COATSS. Citizens Organized Against The Sale of Snuggies. Send your donations to Caballeroso, Houston, Texas. No need to mention this to the IRS.
Things never ever to gift
1. Feminine hygiene products.
2. Tooth whitening systems.
3. Botox or those Miracle girdles.
4. Yaki hair
5. Any “as seen on TV” product
@Neighborhood Hussy,
cosign on #5. my sister keeps threatnin’ to get me the nu wave. i told her i’d throw that joint at the back of her head if she got it.
Certain offices are cold and there are folks who wear the Snuggie at work. I. Kid. You. Not. There are those that don’t give a eff and those who think it’s down right tacky, especially at work. I think it’s in protest to the lack of heat. I thought of getting one for the house, but I can not bring myself to buy a glorified choir robe. Plus, a Snuggie doesn’t look as nice as a ‘throw’ draped stylishly over your sofa or ottoman.
If I didn’t click on those links I would suggest folks needed more people and none of this existed. A blue vulva pendant? Are you serious? In fashion colors? Looking like some basterdized gross Georgia O’Keefe painting…Heyall Naw!
I also agree that Chia was waiting on a black person to make into a Chia. It’s ridiculous. They (the Chia folks) could have did Mr. T….that might have been fiyah and pop culture kitschy at the same time! I woulda’ dug a Mr. T one….especially since I love his WarCraft commercials.
True Confession: I think that mounted fish singing Christmas Carols is hilarious. Don’t judge me.
@legitimate_soul,
Hmmm…..Let me hit Chia up with my idea….
@legitimate_soul,
Dang! They did a limited Mr. T one in 2000! Where was I? LOL!
That chocolate orange you bang hard to open up is yuck.
That stale dry bread with raisins in the glorified rounded box that everyone has in their wine shop, deli, or bourgie gourmet food shop is a poor gift too.
@legitimate_soul,
why do they keep selling those chocolate orange things?! who eats them! i want my oranges and my chocolate separate. that’s right–i demand culinary aparthied on the damn terry’s chocolate ball.
Thanks Panama, now I know what to buy all my VSSes…vulva pendants, of course. Thanks PJ, you rock!
I have seen everything now. didn’t get an opportunity to see the lovely Vulva Pendant due to the fact that the censors on my job think that the image is very offensive and otherwise objectionable (go figure). However the lovely Merkin takes the cake. Please people, Google it, look at it and ask yourself, “WTF”? For those that are too lazy do a little searchin’ or trapped in the confines of their censored office, Ladies, it’s a Snuggie for your Smuggler. This shiot right here is a definite must see and possibly number 6 on the list.
i will offer both a positive and a negative gift giving solution.
negative:
do not attempt to gift avon shoes. that’s right, avon sells shoes. that doesn’t mean their good shoes, it means they’re cheap. do not try to give me pink, crystal encrusted, faux suede furkinstocks (fake berkinstocks) for christmas. i’d prefer that you got me a gift card to target or got me a food product. in fact, you’d have better luck with the food product.
positive:
mrs. prindables apples ( http://www.qvc.com/cgen/render.aspx?qp=class|C636&ref=GTP&cm_ven=GOOGLEPAID&cm_cat=TP_DINING&cm_pla=MRS._PRINDABLES__B&cm_ite=MRS_PRINDABLES_IQ9230232 )–i’m a bit of a foodie so you must know i wouldn’t lie about this. you wanna get somebody something that they wont’ soon forget? get them one of these apples. i know people that don’t like apples that LOVED these. i ask my mom for these every year and i share 2 of the 6 i get with friends (because i’m a kind and generous soul. i mean, i could just eat ‘em all my damn self without a bit of guilt or shame…)
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