While most of us joke about it, asking a woman if she likes (or knows) her father really isn’t such a bad idea. The way a woman interacts with her father is going to help shape her relationships with men for the rest of her lives, either positively or negatively.
That goes double for absentee pappies. But who really delves into it? It’s interesting how much time we spend in the Black community talking about how hard it is for Black men and how much of a set-up life is for most of us. We spend a lot of time doing everything we can just to make sure that we don’t go to jail knowing full well that we’re all one accusation away from the pokey.
Pun.
In that regard, it makes sense; the physical stakes for Black men are a lot higher. Hell, a man without a father living in the hood probably has a higher chance of going to jail, getting killed, or killing somebody else (and then going to jail). When you add that psychological impact of Black manhood, frankly, I’m amazed that I can even read. Granted I know my father and even had the benefit of being raised by him (after a certain point, I mean I am Black, he wasn’t always around) which in our community is as normal a tutu-wearing Sasquatch dunking a ball at Rucker Park in Harlem. Plus, if you take it a step further, Black males without a father figure will possibly take some of that dysfunction into their future relationships and continue the cycle, which in theory would f*ck up the community, basically, forever.
Our women are generally the vanguard of the home and the ones to keep it all together. A lot of us point to our mothers as the strongest people we know because of the drama they had to deal with and what they managed to raise us on. So I think a lot of women’s issues get left out of the relationship equations(psychologically anyway, not the “she’s just batsh*t crazy” stuff). We usually assume that women know how to be in relationships or deal with men when the truth is…a lot have no f*cking idea. All those same families with sons without fathers have women without fathers. Heck, when I do a non-scientific poll of the women I know well enough to ask about their fathers, about 75 percent of them have a soured relationship with their father, if they even have one at all. But that rarely gets mentioned and that impact carries over into dating lives. If you don’t trust your daddy, why would you be open to trusting other men. The one who’s SUPPOSED to want you bailed, so it must be difficult to really fully trust other men with your heart and soul.
How are you supposed to understand the dynamics of a man-woman relationship if you’ve never really seen one that didn’t include Bill Cosby or something called a Florida Evans?
Part of the reason women and daddy issues doesn’t get much burn is that for the most part, a lot of women succeed in other areas. She doesn’t know her daddy, but she has a Ph.D. or a J.D. or an M.B.A. and is a partner or an associate in some firm, etc. Despite the obstacles (and with the lack of a police presence all in that arse and because the WNBA pays less than a manager at McDonald’s), women with daddy issues can be just as accomplished and successful as they want to be. Lucky for us, women with daddy issues don’t tend to murder anybody because of them. They might bust the windows out of a car or go full stalker on you, but those aren’t even felonies. So who cares?
And the beat goes on.
It’s really tragic that “daddy issues” is more of a jokey scarlet letter we attach to needy and insane broads than something we really discuss because really, if the women are all insane, and the men are all going to kill at least 1/10 of a person apiece, who knows where our community is heading.
Then again, I’m pretty sure Oprah doesn’t know her daddy. Whoopi neither…but she doesn’t have any eyebrows.
I’m afraid of an eyebrowless community.
With that said, good people of VSB, how do daddy issues manifest themselves and do you think daddy issues get their just due? And what impact are daddy issues really having on our community? Hell ladies, do YOU have daddy issues? And my brothas, how have women’s daddy issue affected your relationships?
Sit on the VSB couch.
Do tell.
-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL, HE A 3
By the way, I realize not all Black people have mommy or daddy issues. And that’s great.Rah rah rah, sis boom bah. Unfortunately, ALL OF US know at least 5 people with an absentee parent (if it ain’t you), that has some effect somewhere. Thank you. And yes, Panama can be a “serious” writers sometimes too!
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{ 230 comments… read them below or add one }
Oprah definitely knows her daddy.
@Chris Brown,
Right. P, you’re not well-versed in Oprah-ology. She def knows who he is and was in fact sent to live with him for quite some time when she was a kid, to help keep her on the straight and narrow because she was unruly. Does this mean he is responsible for the great Oprah we know today? not sure. Either way, she does know him and more than just in a “I know his name and what he looks like” basic way. It’s Oprah’s mother who I have no clue about and have been meaning to look up.
@Liz, “It’s Oprah’s mother who I have no clue about and have been meaning to look up.”
Her mom was on her show once. Oprah takes care of her financially, but I’m not sure about their relationship. She seems to be closer to her father though…
@Liz & Chris Brown,
Just co-signing with you all. Gates did a PBS special with black folks tracing their roots, one of those people being Oprah, and on that and some of her shows she stated her fathers discipline got her in line and helped take her to where she is today. Oprah was sent to Dad because she was a lil’ off the hook, and her father was having none of that.
@Liz,
I think Oprah was living with her Mom when she was molested/raped, hence her acting out.
@Chris Brown, well, hell, she’s Black. I took a shot. Given the odds, I felt it was in my favor. LOL.
This is unrelated to the post, but who is this B cup CP3 that is a favorite at VSB?
@Legendary Dash,
It refers to Candace Parker, the WNBA basketball player. She has a B-Cup and Chris Paul, the person normally called CP3 because of jersey number of both does not. Lord, I am such a sports nerd.
@Soula Powa, Oh OK. I think she is working with something more than Bs though. Sheldon Williams….sigh.
@Legendary Dash,
EXACTLY. Ole junkyard dog lookin @ss ninja.
@Stank-0,
Junkyard Dog the wrestler, or an actual junkyard dog? Either way, both of them are way more handsome than Sheldon, who looks like Ken Griffey Jr. from the episode of The Simpsons with the MLB players who played on Mr.Burn’s softball team.
@Legendary Dash,
Actually he reminds me of Lou Gossett Jr.’s character in Enemy Mine.
Been reading VSB for about a month and hadn’t felt compelled to post a comment…until now…
I definitely think the psychological and emotional effects of “daddy issues” have been overlooked and/or trivialized by the Black community. I am a 27 year-old Black woman who continues to struggle to have healthy, fulfilling relationships with men, due to the tumultuous relationship I’ve had with my father, since the age of 5.
Thank u for shedding light on an issue that truly doesn’t get the attention it deserves…
@britchick8682, Thanks for sharing. I realize this is personal, but what, from your observation, has been the correlation? Can you identify any specific “issues” with your dad and the corresponding specific effect they’ve had with your relationships?
@Caballeroso & @Panama Jackson…in terms of specific “issues” that I have had with my father that I believe have directly affected me in my relationships with men, I would note:
(1) My father was “unavailable”, emotionally and physically (location) to me, which has caused me to be attracted to “unavailable” men.
(2) My father made numerous empty promises, which has caused me to be hesitant to take a man at his word.
(3) My father “abandoned” me, which causes me to fear that all men will “abandon” me.
@britchick8682, welcome and sh*t
Like Cabellerosa says, what kind of struggles are we talking about?
I have daddy issues… to the point where I refuse to acknowledge him or even call him (or anyone else, including my step pops) “dad”. As I have gotten older I began to really reexamine my issues with him and notice how it has affected my past, current and future relationships. I want to but I just don’t trust men… I am trying and Jesus is still working on me so all I can do is wait for him to finish the work. Dadless communities have a large impact on those who come from them. The cycle continues because there is a lack of examples. Its sad and I don’t really know what to do to fix it. I guess we all just have to try harder to cherish and build families. I remember sitting with my girl friends of 15 years and talking with one of their moms about our mothers not being with our fathers. Out of 7 only one of us still had parents that was together. Thats sad. Her mom said that they left to make a better future for us, which I can respect but at the same time it actually hindered us. I am all for womanhood and independence but we needed to be taught how to love and treat our men and thats not possible if you are still on the dating scene right along with us. I guess people don’t like to talk about the serious issues that continue to fester due to the lack of daddies because they feel it is a weakness and dads are not needed. Well I’ll be the first to say that I wish I had a dad in my life that did right by us. Panama is speaking volumes of truth in this post. Good job.
@Buxxy,
Real ish if I’ve ever heard it. Thanks for your honesty.
Bond.
@BlkBond,
Agreed.
Thanks for sharing Buxxy.
@Sula, @BlkBond,
Ehhh no problem. I know I cant be the only one with issues (looking at the rest of the comments proves my statement) so I figured sharing is caring.
@Buxxy, I am all for womanhood and independence but we needed to be taught how to love and treat our men and thats not possible if you are still on the dating scene right along with us.
never thought of that angle either. that has to be a significant hurdle to pass. hell, who gives advice in that situation?
@Panama Jackson,
Exactly my point… and it is not getting better with time
I never read all of the comments but this time I did and all I can say is that you guys have something here. This could blossom into an awesome book, documentary or even a workshop series that travels the country forcing people to RELEARN the principals of family and love. If you should choose to go that route please let me be apart. I’m always down for the betterment of our community.
My father has ignored me for most of my life, however I got the most amazing grandparents out of the deal. Yes, not having a father will have an effect. On the other hand, stop playing the victim, and look for a real and lasting example of a positive and happy marriage and seek advice from them on how to be in a lasting and loving relationship… Everybody has some kind of issue, it’s really how we deal with our issues that defines our true character.
@L, your comment is the truth. We need to find a way forward, those of us with these issues should start looking for solutions for ourselves. When I reached my twenties and realized that I could not continuously blame my relationship issues on my Father, I have found healing in ways that made sense to me. I need to be a whole person and make sure a person who was absent from my life does not continuously affect how my life turns out. I applaud those who are taking the steps to not claim the victim place anymore and more strength to those who are trying to find their way.
@L, i wonder if some people are just more able to adjust to situations than others. I used to be one of those ” get over it, life sucks for everybody” people until I realized that i was always the only person who could just get over sh*t and keep it moving.
maybe i have the problem.
@Panama Jackson,
my thoughts exactly… i would love to just “get over” a lot of things that have happened to me but when you try and toss them to the side..they keep coming back. you have to actually address them and talk about them. its ok to feel hurt and admit it. you’re not playing the victim, you are one, and its ok to accept that. but being a victim doesn’t mean you can’t move past whatever it is that has affected you.
I’m not sure I would solely blame this on fathers (and the lack thereof) in our community, however I would cite Broken Family Syndrome as something that plagues our community. Absentee fathers, absentee mothers, parents who are not yet ready or fit or stable enough to be parents; these are the things I think afflict our people the most, and give rise to a continuous and cyclical problem in our families across generations. Gotta love the effects of slavery, all the way to 2010 and beyond.
@Liz,
Yeah, what she said.
@Liz, “Broken Family Syndrome” – good term for it. You definitely summed it up, Liz.
@Liz,
I’d have to agree. I have seen way too many people have kids that were frankly just not ready. People have kids when they still don’t know themselves. I never hear anyone talk about this. I still hear men and women talk about having kids as if it is something to just get out of the way before a certain age.
@Humble_One,
so very true! It’s like people have a list of things to check off, kids being one of them. And then when the kids get here and need stuff & attention & guidance..the parents are like what?! All that wasn’t on the list! just cute baby clothes and Barney birthday parties…SMH
Parenting is no joke, for real
@Andrea Morgan, Sometimes people don’t even have a list, in the sense that they are “planning” anything. They just be havin kids. I know I used to date somebody who had a kid a relatively young age, and he couldn’t afford it. He was still living with his parents….yet him and his (new) girlfriend were working on having another kid. I was like? Do you not realize neither of you have an apartment and thus probably shouldn’t be having another kid right now? Sometimes I wonder if we just don’t really put much work into family planning as much as we should.
@Humble_One,
definitely agree with you and Liz.
parenting is often seen as something to do (planned but not prepared) or something that happens (unplanned). but parenting is so trivial for some ppl. hell, its hard for 2 stable, hard working parents with all the right resources to take care of a child, let alone 2 half-witted ppl just effing around (literally) and end up parents without dedicating anytime to what children require. its sad really.
@The One & True GEM… of the Ocean, LOL. So very true. I am pretty confident I’d be a decent parent, but parenthood has me shook (not to mention it’s expensive). I couldn’t see myself trying to handle it all on my own as a single parent, or with lesser resources than I have now.
@Liz,
LOL i know i cant take care of anybody/thing other then me. i dont even have a cat. po’ thang be done froze in my cold a$$ apartment, get slim pickings of the cat food based on what my bank acct allows in the 3rd week of the month. strugglin!!
yet, there are ppl who dont even bother to think about resources when they think its a good idea to not invest in condoms or bc and end up with kids. *smh* damn shame.
@Liz,
Yup. You nailed it. And the term actually sound scientific and sh!t.
@Liz, yeah, i don’t blame fathers for all that’s wrong in the community. it’s a joint effort like a motherf*cker. however, my point is that usually it seems like a lot of men, due to whatever issues they bring to the table, cause a lot of ruckus while women just sit by waiting for the man to stop f*cking up. but there’s a whole other side that makes it even that much more difficult.
basically, we all suck.
Well, as for me I know my daddy, I even spent a few weekends a year with him, and one long, hot azz summer driving to Texas with him and my latest stepmother. As far as actually knowing him as a person, I have to admit I don’t. I don’t know his real likes or dislikes aside from his love of white women, drinking, golf and the Dallas Cowboys.
I am not sure he has had any real impact on my life aside from leaving me with abandonment issues. I remember when my parents divorced, (I was 3 years old) one morning I woke up looking for him and he was gone. I looked for him for days, missing his shilouette in the door way when I was falling asleep, missing watching football in his lap, and missing having his undivided attention. I guess one day I realized he was not coming back. He was an off and on daddy after that and moved to Nebraska when I was an adult with young children. I don’t know if I truly believe he loves me or ever did.
Now I live with an irrational fear that the man I love will leave me. I fear he will leave me with no explanation or over some little thing that I never saw coming. In relationships, every issue and argument big or small has me bracing myself for the “I’m leaving!” or coming home to an empty house. Luckily I have learned to keep panic mode to myself so “he” can’t see my racing heartbeat, the rise in my blood pressure, my migraine coming on, and my mental preparation for the worst (looking for a new apt., holding on to my cash, trying to emotionally disconnect from the relationship and rehearsing my statement for when folks ask why we broke up…)
It is sad I know, especially when I am going through all that stress and as I’m trying to hide my red eyes with Visine “he” comes home and says “Sorry Babe, I was trippin’ and was a little distant, it wasn’t you…I was pissed at (insert any minor daily stress here). I have tried to get off that emotional roller coaster many times but I guess
it all boils down to “If my daddy didn’t stay (translation: Didn’t love me enough to stay) then why would anyone else?”
(please don’t ban me for my run on posts…I’m kinda new to this blogging thing)
@WonderWoman
Wow. That’s a hard way to live. I fell in love with someone who essentially could’ve written this entire post (I had to piece it together from others and our falling apart . . . she never told me). I’m happy that you have been able to maintain a loving relationship. Panic/fear/making yourself emotionally numb can do some crazy crazy things to a relationship.
@An Island, It was a hard way to live but I have tried not to let it define how I live. I know it is not the fault of the man I love, and I work hard to keep the crazy things to a minimum (by keeping it to myself) and putting time between my initial reaction and my response so I don’t say or do anything stupid.
@WonderWoman, I am not sure he has had any real impact on my life aside from leaving me with abandonment issues.
I think those abandonment issues, from what you wrote above, do have a real impact on your life……
@shay-d-lady, Those abandonment issues are just part of life for me. I live with them and try to live well despite them. I guess I was thinking he didn’t have any real “positive impact” when I wrote that but I didn’t say it…..
@WonderWoman, great comment. i totally relate to your knowing your father on the surface. and don’t worry they won’t ban you, you see how long panama’s posts are, right?
@Miss Patterson, Thank you, and yes I’ve seen his posts but this his place and didn’t want to show up without calling first…glad I can let it flow…
@WonderWoman, yes you are more than welcome. and forget miss patterson. my sh*t’s poignant.
@Panama Jackson, Thank You…
@WonderWoman,
Do you think that the constant emotional rollercoaster of having to deal with possible abandonment could push you to the point of resolving to simply be ok with whatever the future brings whereby you could permanently become emotionally distant from him?
@Caballeroso, Yes….After constantly emotionally separating from my ex husband (for very good reason) when he claimed he wanted to change I couldn’t even attempt any form of reconciliation I was to far removed…I looked at him and felt nothing. In that case divorce was best. I fear this same thing happening in my good relationship, and helping me ruin everything…after my emotional break it takes me a few days to a week or more to “warm back up” my man is kinda like” didn’t we make up? why are you still distant? Funny, I couldn’t explain it to him…Guess I can now…Thanks Very Smart Brothas for the dialogue…
@WonderWoman,
So glad you shared, and I am sorry. I know it sounds trite, but have you tried seeking therapy? We often neglect mental health in our communities at large but sometimes it truly helps.
Hope things get better on your end.
@Sula, Tried therapy more than once for “my daddy issues”, “my rape issues”, and “my general issues”. Unfortunately, all three counselors were male and all acted upon my vulnerability very inappropriately…Hence, “more issues”…
So, considering it all…I’m doing pretty well…
@WonderWoman,
Whoa! This brought tears to my eyes. I can totally relate even though my story is very different. I grew up in a 2 family home, two good parents (though I wouldn’t call their marriage “happy”), my dad was an excellent financial provider, and I was daddy’s little girl. Until I was 19. When I was 19 my mom got a phone call from a woman who said that she’d been with my father for the last 11 years (so since I was 8, and over half of their marriage). So while you have a fear of coming home to an open house, I have a fear of waking up one day and realizing (in my Biggie Smalls voice) It Was All A Dream. In other words, can I really trust what appears to be obvious? It appears that I have a happy home and he loves me and we’re partners, etc….but can I ever really trust that what I “see” is what I am “getting”? Don’t know if that made sense, but those are my daddy issues. Le Sigh.
@Yonnie3k, Made total sense to me….I wonder sometimes, if my entire relationship is a delusional figment of my damaged imagination and I am really having an extended booty call and one day he will decide he’s had enough booty and walk…Then I have to talk myself down from the craziness and look at how “he” loves me and my kids”, “cares for me and my kids”, “knows my issues and loves me anyway” and “comforts me when I am in pain” and try to believe I am worthy of all this love…and that it is real….
@WonderWoman, it all boils down to “If my daddy didn’t stay (translation: Didn’t love me enough to stay) then why would anyone else?”
I think that’s the issue that every women in our situation has to overcome. I always expect a guy to leave me in a relationship because my dad didn’t bother being in my life and decided not to be involved with me, so why would anybody else want to stick around? One thing I also noticed about myself is that even though I know I’m in a shitty relationship, I stick around because I believe that’s the best I can do. Wrong. It was last year that I realized I’m worthy and shouldn’t settle for less. I started reading spiritual books by Iyanla Vanzant and realized that what matters is that you love your Self and that you will always be with your Self. I completely understand your pain. I’m so glad this post was created because I think it’s time that we support each other and help find ways to heal one another…
@T, I read and used my journal to get over my ex husband and the loss of what I believed was a life long commitment. I read “CAPTIVATING” and it changed me life! I learned God wants me to be happy, loved, and pursued by a man who would love me as God loves me…(my ex was a controlling N.O.I Muslim Brotha (No offense to the positive and upright Muslim Men out there) and I was a Christian….I lost myself for a while….but I’m back!
@WonderWoman, I sat reading your post and swore I was listening to myself think. Unfortunately & fortunately at the same time, as an adult I have a relationship with my father, mostly out of guilt. I find myself playing out that relationship in my relationships. However, I think now that I recognize what I’m doing & who my father is, I am moving forward in being emotionally healthy to attract a wonderful relationship. The biggest lesson I’ve learned in all this is my father is a person before he’s my father. I am now a single mother raising a son alone and my goal is to do all I can to grow him into the man his father wasn’t & the one mine will never be. I hope one day you are able to be better in spite of all that happened to you; its one of my goals too.
@yesimaproducer, Hello Kindred Spirit,
healing is a journey but I’m all for it, my growing pains signify change and growth, I know I am getting better day by day….You will too!
This is a good post and one that really needs to be discussed! I was lucky to have grown up with a really caring father who was always there, but I have many friends who didn’t grow up with their father and it creates a lot of issues in their relationships with men as well as in themselves. The absence of a father creates a lot of anger and resentment and this gets taken out on their boyfriends/husbands. Relationships take patience, understanding, and work to make it work. My friends who didn’t grow up with a father tend to be very demanding. Even bigger than this is self-esteem issues. A good father-daughter relationship is really important into developing a strong woman.
@Leila, A good father-daughter relationship is really important into developing a strong woman.
couldn’t agree more. not that you can’t grow up into a stong woman without a pappy, but i’m sure it makes a big difference in the journey.
oh. well me and my daddy is cool. we used to take bike rides on sundays and we walked me to school when i was in pre-k and are just real cool in general. hm……so i guess that means i should really be doing better in life and have less personal issues. whatev.
@charli skipper,
Yeah, I don’t have “daddy issues”, was raised in a two-parent home, and is close to both my parents. Still doesn’t mean life is gonna be all gravy. Shyt (still) happens.
@Monk,
Agreed.
And I will raise you one: I have discovered a “daddy issue” that comes from having a very loving and doting father… The “daddy’s little girl” issue I call it. I have discovered it with myself… as in I was actually not doing any “work” in any of my relationships (ante-discovery of said issue) because I assumed that the person should just love me for me… you know, just like my daddy loves me with all my (pesky and annoying) flaws. I didn’t necessarily believe in compromise and/or trying to improve and change for the better… after all, my daddy loved me just as is…
So yeah, 2-parent households with a loving (and often overbearing) dad can also create certain issues… In other words,
life s#cks and then you dieproblems can come from everywhere.@Sula, yeah, that kind of forces the damned if you do damned if you don’t shit. yay for Black love.
le sigh.
@charli skipper,
LOL i def feel you.
but the question i’d ponder is…. do you have issues with men on a romantic/intimate level?
“Daddy issues” is a trite and over-simplistic expression used to diagnose women with something that isn’t a clearly defined idea. The term “daddy” itself suggests a sort of stuck in childhood/overattachement. Is there really a defined cause and effect of “daddy issues”?
Often, women’s insecurities, fear of commitment or any number of relationship issues are clumped in this “daddy issues” category which might undermine other sources that may be causing the problems in relationships.
I think a lot of women who have a bad relationship with their fathers, or even no relationship at all, seek a man who isn’t like their father. (I’ve heard the theories on seeking comfort in the familiar no matter how painful the familiar is but I don’t believe that’s the case most of the time)
I think it’s a good idea to explore women’s relationships with their fathers and how that affects them but this particular expression/concept does more damage than good.
(my 2 cents)
@Root, I think a lot of women who have a bad relationship with their fathers, or even no relationship at all, seek a man who isn’t like their father.
I dont know.. a lot of times in my experience they end up with guys with the same issue as the father….
@shay-d-lady, & I always wonder if that’s a self fulfilling prophecy or a real attachment to the familiar.
@Root,
i almost think they’re one in the same, if you get down to the real root (hehe) of the problem.
many women expect from a man what they are used to getting. many women arent taught by their mothers or positive male role models (if daddy isnt in the picture) that its ok to demand a certain level of respect, protection, and love from a man. and so often times even strong women end up with (not necessarily LOOK for) a man who has negative characteristics like their absent fathers because they havent asserted their needs for a complementary mate since they dont really know what that looks/feels like.
in my humble op, of course.
@shay-d-lady, Very True,
I used to see out men who appeared as what I thought a man is supposed to be “strong physically, strong in his beliefs and convictions, masculine, protective, hardworking and won’t allow me to manipulate them (I can be emotional sometimes and some men just let me have my way to avoid tears, I hate that!)…funny thing is once I was involved I realized those things were either superficial, a front, or my imagination. Fast forward six months later and I was the sole breadwinner, supporting the family, trying to be the supportive uplifting woman while my man finding himself and taking out his frustrations on me. It left me wondering how I am supposed to be the woman while I’m feeling like the man, When I voiced my frustrations he would pack up and leave…I ended up with exactly what I didn’t want…I make better choices now, but without knowing exactly what a man is supposed to be, how would I know when I find one?
@Root,
How does it do more damage than good?
@Monk, it’s oversimplified, as if there is only one kind of “daddy issue” and only one outcome. I think that there different ways a woman is affected by her relationship with her father. I just have a problem with “daddy issues” the term and how it’s used to solve/justify the problems of a girl’s dating life.
@Root,
As Liz stated upthread, a more encompassing term would probably be “dysfunctional family syndrome”. From what I’ve witnessed in the black community though, is that absentee fathers who don’t participate or aren’t equally as relevant in their children lives make up a lot of these “dysfunctional” families.
“Unfortunately, ALL OF US know at least 5 people with an absentee parent (if it ain’t you)”
Man, I barely know 5 people with both parents, including myself.
@P., that’s some sad sh*t, aint it?
@P., Man I had to think really hard to think of 5 black friends/peers who grew up with both parents and who’s parents are still married….came up with 7 including myself. But three of the 7 were in my own family. (My parents are still happily married and so are my aunt and one of my uncles…all married for longer than 20 years). Somewhere along the line the black family got devalued and it makes me very very sad.
@klysha,
I guess if I counted myself then I should’ve counted my brother and 5 of my 13 cousins, so make it like 11.
Now friends with both parents? I’m pretty sure I can do that on one hand.
Some sad sh*t indeed, Panama.
“Then again, I’m pretty sure Oprah doesn’t know her daddy. Whoopi neither…but she doesn’t have any eyebrows. I’m afraid of an eyebrowless community. ”
I normally read your blogs without commenting but this made me laugh out loud for nearly five minutes!
@Onid, glad you got a chuckle.
welcome and sh*t
I know my father and love him to death. My parents have been married for 50 years as of last November and the love between them is still strong. I thank GOD that I was blessed to have not one, but both parents in my life that actually loved and cared for my sister and me. It has carried into my relationships with men because if he can’t compare to my daddy, then it’s a lost cause.
Friends have told me how I’m very quick to move on and refuse to put up with less. I’ve seen the damage that this does cause and forces women to basically struggle with relationships because they have nothing for a foundation of what a relationship is. I’ve seen:
Anger
Resentment
Self-esteem issues
Putting up with physical, emotional, mental, verbal abuse
Insecurity
Abandoment issues
It’s almost a never ending list of the strangeness I’ve witnessed.
@Jade (not a prOn) Star, “It has carried into my relationships with men because if he can’t compare to my daddy, then it’s a lost cause.”
Co-sign!!! My dad and my uncles have really raised the bar for the men that enter my life. My friends get on me for being too picky, but I refuse to settle because my father is a great man and I want to end up with a great man too….
@Leila,
I’ma co-sign this also. Good point Jade.
@Leila, I hear the same from some of my friends as well. There is no need to lower standards on the basic things a man should possess ( love,respect, integrity, sense of pride) just to have a man around.
On to the next…
see I grew up with my father and most of my family did as well.. that being said, the relationships that my mother and father and most of my aunts and uncles were were/are in are very very volatile and unstable. Rampant cheating, violence, drub abuse…etc. Those relationships had a very very telling effect on me. In fact I tend to be to zero tolerance when it comes to my own relationships for fear of being just like my mother, or aunt or cousin.
I had to learn and I am still learning how to be in a functional relationship.
@shay-d-lady, Do you feel your fear of becoming like those particular women in your family was greater than your fear of being alone, lonely or abandoned (if you had those fears) and that led to your zero tolerance policy? In my family the fear of being alone seems to lead to acceptance of BS….
@WonderWoman, Yes I definitely know that my biggest fear is to be come one of those women, who while I love them dearly.. I do look upon them at times with pity…and not all that much respect.
I would hate to wake up one day and know that my daughter feels about me as I have felt (at times) about my own mother and why she stayed in that situation for so long.
After years of counseling and forgiveness thought I do have a good relationship with both parents. I think that has helped me more than anything be able to have a stable relationship on my own.
@shay_d_lady, I’m glad…to go the extreme either way is not good…
I’m a huge Daddy’s Girl, my dad is probably my favorite person in the world. I also have amazing uncles, my brother is a great young man and I was raised in a Baptist church so I have a few adopted uncles from the deacon board. So I grew up with amazing male role models which leads to an interesting double edged sword because I still have issues relating to men. I think part of my problem is I became a bit of a tomboy – interests wise. Most of the things I enjoy/do are things that males really like to do or are interested in. Everything from loving sports (Geaux Saints! Yahoo for the Cards & the Ravens today) to the type of comedy/movies I like, I’m pretty good at bar games (pool, Buck Hunter, Silver Strike) and because of that I become the girl guys want to be friends with but not date. A lot of times its really easy for me to become one of the guys but not easy to communicate when I’m attracted to or interested in one of them.
On the upside with such great examples I know what a good man looks like and should behave like so I haven’t had any really bad or abusive relationships or ones where I’m being used or anything like that. The double edge there is that the good ones come few and far between. So there’s a time bidding.
I’m definitely not complaining though. I’m well aware of how blessed I am. This past Fathers Day I left a really nice thank you note to my Dad as my status on facebook. I had several friends leave “You’re lucky” or “Its awesome you have such a great relationship with your Dad” etc type comments. And I noticed a lot of people had “Thanks Mr. Sp*rm Donor” type statuses. So I definitely know that my relationship with my Dad is something I should cherish, but I’ve always known that.
@Madame Zenobia, it’s sweet to hear a good father-daughter relationship tale. how does your father feel about adoption? lol
Even though there definitely are great dudes who are wonderful fathers to their child(ren) whether they’re still with the mother or not, the absence of good fathers are a huge factor in why our communities are in the predicament. From my experience and what I’ve seen, sons are affected just as much as daughters though. For example, many young dudes turn to gangs and local hustlers and look to them when a strong father-figure isn’t necessarily around in their most pivotal and influential stages. Or, in the case where a father is present, the father could be involved in seedy activities and the son becomes influenced in that way.
Plenty of men and women become great contributing members of society being raised solely by their mother, but it’s definitely more ideal for a child to be raised by a good mother and father.
@Monk, co-sign.
@Monk,
co-sign
@Monk,
“Plenty of men and women become great contributing members of society being raised solely by their mother…”
…the President of the United States, for example. While I agree that abandonment and dysfunctional family issues definitely take a toll on the development and stabilization of a child, we must also consider the possibility that the same child can learn just as much from an absent parent as one who is present. Bad examples are often equally proficient teachers as President Obama, myself (a woman who had not seen her father since she was 12 before his death in 2005) and countless others would demonstrate.
@Monk,
Well said.
I grew up in a 2 parent home and I have daddy issues.
My father was always there, but as a disciplinarian and critic only. It is hard for me to remember fun times with him, where I wasn’t waiting for him to lose his tempter, scampering around while assisting him- needing to be fast enough to get him whatever he was asking for, before he went crazy and started cursing me out and scaring me. He was heavy handed. He had a short fuse. He was paranoid (accusing us of things we hadn’t even thought about doing!) He said some very horrible things to me when I was about 16, pertaining to my weight and how much of a failure I would be in life because I was 20 lbs overweight.
We walked on egg shells and lived in fear.
I think the impact it has had upon me, is that I am accommodating to outrageous behavior from men, because I suppose I watched my mom accommodate my fathers temper tantrums my whole life. I am very good at not pushing buttons. I will shut my mouth in the middle of a sentence if the man I am talking to starts getting that look.. like he is getting heated. I find myself to be a “pleaser” when it comes to men. I let them make the rules for the most part. I seek emotionally unavailable men. I give into the push and pull of manipulative losers. I am actively working on making better decisions in this area. I know I keep seeking that old comfortable feeling of stressing to death over being rejected, and always trying to be good enough.
I don’t speak to my father. My parents divorced 5yrs ago. He has never made any effort to contact me, even ONE time. Even when my son was in the hospital with a life threatening illness for a week. Even when I gave birth. twice! Through out the years I have written him letters telling him that I forgive him for everything. That I just want to start fresh and move forward with a healthy adult relationship.
He never responds to those letters.
So… I gave up. My father, just like these loser dudes I end up entangled with, he does not give a shit about me and does not care to change. I always hoped my parents would get a divorce when I was a kid, so us kids and mom could have a good life, peace, comfort. I KNOW that I would be a much different person if I would have been unconditionally loved and accepted by my father.
@juli, I am sorry you feel the need to be a pleaser, I know how it feels to not speak your mind, or voice your opinions, eventually it leaves you empty, resentful and feeling like you don’t count at all…I hope you can move past this and live for you!
@juli, That was a really moving comment. I know that it’s difficult to give up on wanting that desired reciprocation from your father, but I’m glad you did. At this point, you can only work on rebuilding the relationship you have with yourself. I had to do the same thing, and it’s better in the long run to work on undoing the effects he had on you rather than to invest more time in trying to change him.
@juli,
i was wondering when some one was going to post a comment about growing up with their father but not having a good relationship with him. this is a very moving comment, thank you for sharing.
i know many friends who have similar stories. its unfortunate.
@juli,
This was moving. Some of the characteristics you describe, it what I feared for my sister.
My father is a domineering type as well–but, so are me and my brother. At some point, we’ve all had some type of physical conflict with the other(s).
It wasn’t until I got older that I started to consider how this would effect my sister. She is the youngest, thus, usually defers alot;
Much respect for your honesty. The fact that your recognize your flaw, will allow you to take steps in the right direction to correct it.
Did your father have a volatile childhood? Was his father present?
–Bond.
@BlkBond, My dad was one of 9 children. Yes, his father was present. He grew up in a 2 parent home. However, his father was MUCH worse than mine. My grandfather would punch his sons in the face if they said the wrong thing or laughed at the table. There was A LOT of physical abuse, and no love. My grandmother just tried to stay out of it, and avoid being abused herself. My grandfather died about 10yrs ago, and I remember, at the funeral, my dad said, “I’m glad that old bastard is dead.” So yes, this is a continuation of the cycle.
Not that it makes any difference, but we are a white family. My children are black.
@BlkBond – but mostly @ juli, I’m so glad you posted this… I was going through the comments waiting to see whose story would be similar to mine… jackpot. Bond asked 2 important questions, “Did your father have a volatile childhood? Was his father present?”… For me, understanding what made my father act out the way he did to us was very therapeutic… ultimately it helped me see through all the rejection and ridicule he bestowed on myself and my siblings and it showed me that it was never our fault, much like none of it was ever your’s. His father (my granddad) was never present and his mother (my grandmother) had treated her children the exact same way… emotionally abusive. In my heart of hearts I know my Dad loves us but wasn’t taught how to show it. Once I understood that, I was able to really forgive (so important) and move forward regardless of whether he wanted a relationship with me or not. You (like I had to) should realize you still have the power to enjoy your life and be the person you KNOW (I know) you are deep inside… strong, intelligent, charismatic, loving, wise and a winner- … and even now years after this enlightenment I still conscientiously have to make the decision (DAILY) to be that person, but it has made a world of difference, mostly because I know it just boils down to my Dad just wasn’t able to recognize/identify same abuse in his life.
@Yeah…SO?!, Thank you for that comment. I agree with you in every way. I do recognize that he is broken emotionally. So broken that he will never be whole. I try not to blame him, because I know where it comes from. The hardest part for me is that I feel he is ashamed of my decisions, and yet has not the depth to understand how that could possibly have ANYTHING to do with him or his part in my life.
I have come to the conclusion that sharing with him, any of his responsibility in how I turned out would be unsatisfying for me, and would probably sound like a sob story to him. So I do concentrate on forgiving him, but more than that, forgiving myself for the poor decisions I have made. Forgiving yourself seems to be exponentially harder.
@juli, yeah, that self-forgiveness part is brutal… let me know when you find a remedy to that.
@juli,
Thanks for coming forward and sharing your story. We can hark this back to Liz’s point of moreso of a “Broken Family Syndrom” than an absentee father one. A household can have two people in it and still be awful.
I will ask that to all my sisters who speak on the subject today, have you tried seeking therapy for it? Mental health is at the center of our overall health and we should do everything in our power to keep our mental state healthy no matter what the stigma attached to it is.
@Sula, I’ve thought about it and really want to because it scares me knowing that mostly likely I won’t be in a healthy relationship due to my “daddy issues”. It also scares me to know that guys treat women differently if they know they have a father figure, but I haven’t gotten the courage to do so yet…maybe it’ll be my new year’s resolution
@T,
Don’t be scared, you might actually be surprised.
Just give it a try, and if you don’t like it, you can always quit.
And don’t let some men definitions of what is an ideal mate scare you. If that’s what that person wants, then he’s not for you. The next one just might. Hang in there, darl.
@juli, thanks for sharing that. that is quit the sad commentary on a father-daughter relationship. hopefully your kids are able to rise above stuff like that.
@juli,
“My father was always there, but as a disciplinarian and critic only. It is hard for me to remember fun times with him, where I wasn’t waiting for him to lose his tempter, scampering around while assisting him- needing to be fast enough to get him whatever he was asking for, before he went crazy and started cursing me out and scaring me. He was heavy handed. He had a short fuse. He was paranoid (accusing us of things we hadn’t even thought about doing!) He said some very horrible things to me when I was about 16, pertaining to my weight and how much of a failure I would be in life because I was 20 lbs overweight.
We walked on egg shells and lived in fear.”
The above was my father/my life til college in a nutshell minus the fat commentary. Those he reserved for my sister.
Funny enough it turned me into a person that will not take BS instead of a pleaser. Very interesting how people with similar lives turn out.
@lulu, yes that is interesting! The funny thing is that on the surface, my demeanor is slightly on the abrasive side, (I’m very blunt and don’t mince words), which causes most people to think I am very strong and confidant. Only the men that I deal with on some sort of personal/intimate level figure out what a doormat I am capable of being. I had a very strong “Christian” upbringing by my mother in the midst of the emotional chaos. I think the traits I took on as a nice Christian girl, (submissive, forgiving, accommodating), combined with the daddy issues, have created an insecure pleaser. But again, if you ask any friend of mine, they would NEVER describe me that way. It’s my dirty little secret.
@lulu,
Very interesting how people with similar lives turn out.
Which to me seals the debate of nature vs. nurture… Your nature determines how your environment affects you. The both are so entangled you can’t really separate one from the other…
I have 3 younger sisters and their relationship with my dad is very different than my own, and each one of them has a unique take on the whole thing… yet it was the same household and the same rules…
@juli, ” I am very good at not pushing buttons. I will shut my mouth in the middle of a sentence if the man I am talking to starts getting that look.. like he is getting heated. I find myself to be a “pleaser” when it comes to men. I let them make the rules for the most part. I seek emotionally unavailable men. I give into the push and pull of manipulative losers. I am actively working on making better decisions in this area. I know I keep seeking that old comfortable feeling of stressing to death over being rejected, and always trying to be good enough.”
..I am skilled in the art of de-escalating any situation quick when i see that look and tone begin to change…we all have choices, its about the decisions that we make that determines the outcome. i too work on it everyday because if i dont im just continuing the cycle n i refuse to let my kids deal with this.
I am so fortunate to have a close relationship with my mom and dad. My parents have been married for many years and I think it comes down to personal choices.
Both of my parents came from less than ideal situations (poverty, absentee fathers, step parent gone wrong), but they came together and made the choice to make a commitment before God and vow that their children would not experience the same unfortunate home life.
For dating, it’s frustrating because I come across too many males who don’t know how to be men or don’t know how men and women should relate to one another in a positive way.
@Ivyette, yeah, very true. men don’t know how to be men and some women don’t know how to date men.
its a vicious cycle.
I work(ed) with young black teens around the city through a program at my local YMCA and it’s incredibly sad at how many of the girls trace back their current issues and pain to the absence of their father.
I’m extremely close to my father. My parents have been married 40 yrs and after having 3 boys, along came me *YAY!*, the babygirl he’d been waiting for so, all my life {to this very day} I’ve been spoiled rotten my daddy and we have a special bond because we’re alike in so many ways.
When I was 15 yrs old, I started watching Howard Stern and of course, porn stars and Penthouse/Playboy chicks would be on his show and after joking around with them a bit he’d straight up ask, “So what happened to you? Was daddy never around? Did he abuse you in some kind of way?” and usually 10 times of out 10 their answers were, “Yes, daddy wasn’t around.” or “Yes, he abused me.” and so, from that point on, whenev I saw a female justa flashin her tig ol bitties- I saw a girl thirsty for a father figure and usually, that was her case. My moms constantly told me how beautiful I was and how to be careful and recognize the bs when it came to boys but the few convsersations with my dad had a stronger impact on me when it came to my confidence and dealing with the male species.
I believe one main impact that this “daddy issues” amongst black females is having on our community is the lack of self-esteem displayed now-a-days. It seems like every other day some black teen is posting her raunchy dances on youtube as if she’s auditioning for an opening @ Magic City or the thousands of pix that can be found of a variety of black women tootin their tails in some men’s magazine or website. Now, I’m not saying that ALL of those girls and ladies are victim’s of an absentee father in the home but the comparable images of those on youtube and/or in magazines to the girls I speak with brings me to the conclusion that they are seeking attn from any male that will give it and that they wish they could have or could have gotten from daddy.
@Made In Hawaii, so you’re saying you DON’T want to be a stripper?
i’ve always theorized that every woman wanted to be a stripper, but some just pulled the trigger and took the plunge.
@Panama Jackson,
I will confirm that it might be true in my case. It’s my
not sosecret dream job…@Made In Hawaii,
My moms constantly told me how beautiful I was and how to be careful and recognize the bs when it came to boys but the few convsersations with my dad had a stronger impact on me when it came to my confidence and dealing with the male species
I can so definitely relate to this. My mom was the constant voice of reinforcement, my dad is usually a man of few words, but the times he actually sat me down and talked to me about boys stand out so much in my head. There is an episode at 16 when I was trying yet another homemade concoction to make my zits go away, and he sat me down and told me this(somewhat literally):
“When I met your mom (at 16 no less, shame on him!), her face was covered with zits bigger than your fist, I still married her because love is not conditionned by whether or not someone has zits. If a boy likes you, he will like with or without your zits, and if he doesn’t he’s not worth your time”…
I suspect he was trying to get me back to my homework rather than actually impart “wisdom” to me, but it is a nugget of wisdom I grew up with (which kinda led to that other phenomenon I mentionned upthread)…
Like John Mayer said: “Fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do”… And that’s the truth.
@Sula,
“Like John Mayer said: “Fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do”… And that’s the truth.”
You will not believe it but you just answered my question right there. I know my father affects me but I didn’t where to look or a point of reference of how he affected me because my life so far has been good.
But then you had to hit me with that “daughters will love like you do.”
*off to examine how my father interacted with my mom emotionally and romantically*
…..
…..
*back*
yah, i love like him. as they say in the Igbo language “chaba-chafuta”
basically means wishy-washy, intermittent, intangible, unable to figure out, sometimes there, sometimes not.
Jeebus Crisco.
@lulu,
Girl, being African, I know EXACTLY what you are referring to. My household was a bit different than the “norm” (and often quietly mocked) because my dad was very involved (especially for the first 2 girls). He changed diapers, fed us and the whole nine while the mother unit was off doing night shifts.
But if I want to be honest and look around me, African fathers although present in the house, are not necessarily there emotionally. When I was a teenager, I entered that awkward phase with my father as well… Fortunately, we got over it (or merely, I grew the f#ck up) and realized that parents are human beings first and foremost. They make mistakes, they are not all knowing and most of the times have no idea what they are doing… just like us.
But I know you’ll be fine.
@Sula,
“But I know you’ll be fine. ”
Been lurking on the blog for like…over a year and finally decided to comment now. I was the biggest Daddy’s girl back in the day and I remember him always saying that when I got older, I would hate him. Self-fulfilling prophecy? I think the fact that I adored him so much (as only kids can) and then witnessed with adult eyes how violent, selfish, and cowardly he actually is makes me more protective of my heart now. I didn’t want to accept that it affected me like this, because he was there and my parents are still married, so what am I complaining about? I’m one of those women you described, halfway to a J.D. but clueless when it comes to achieving success in a relationship. I subscribe to the theory of your father as your first boyfriend (as creepy as it sounds); that relationship sets the tone for what you want, need, and will not tolerate from men in the future. For right now, I’ve decided that I’d rather be alone than be duped again. Another one of my daddy’s sayings that still haunts me is that all men are just like him underneath it all–that’s something I cannot accept.
@Acacia,
No all men aren’t like your father underneath. I had a friend of mine (a woman) say that her father told her that all men cheat. Her father is a cheater. I find that men that tell their daughters such things say so to cover their own shortcomings like “I’m effed up and it helps my psyche to say that I believe that everyone else is as effed up as I am.”
@Kamala Jones,
I find that men that tell their daughters such things say so to cover their own shortcomings like “I’m effed up and it helps my psyche to say that I believe that everyone else is as effed up as I am.”
Bingo.
I think it’s true for all human beings in general. It’s easier to think we are “the norm” than the oddity.
@Acacia, welcome and sh*t…
i dont agree with that. i’m guessing though, that your father witnessed stuff that made him feel that way and led him into a life that put you on pause when it comes to dealing with men.
it’s good to hold out for a man who really is a good guy and wants to be with you and doesnt accept that he might f*ck up. it should be a disappointment, not a predetermined problem.
am i the only black woman suffering with ‘black women’s issues’ fatigue?
every week there’s something to bemoan and berate..
can’t we just be great for a minute..
@london, lol….
@london, I am great! We are all great! We are living and loving in this world despite the things that happened to us, we are trying to learn why act like we do so we can do better. It the topic is real, and we can relate why not discuss? I don’t feel I am bemoaning or berating…I love the black man and I love my daddy. I’m good but I’m real….
@WonderWoman,
my sentiments exactly!!! im SUPER happy today (not sure why cuz i’s tired and cold lol) but i like talking about real issues that are so easily dismissed.
besides, this is VSB. we ‘posed to be up in here being all intellectual and philosophizing and sh*t.
@The One & True GEM… of the Ocean,
I am with y’all.
At least, this time we are trying to look at the causes and possible solutions. Instead of stating the same (believed) facts over and over again.
@london, why can’t you both be great and have issues worth discussing.
works for Kanye.
I can’t sleep, so here I am. Great post, Panama! Wow…
I’m glad you brought this topic up. I sort of hate being labeled as a woman with “daddy issues”, but for the sake of this topic I would fit into this definition. I don’t hate my father, but he’s definitely not getting a father of the year coffee cup. My father has issues -like lots of them, that I won’t get into. I’ve done a lot of work on myself to try to undo the damage that he caused in our family and I will continue to work on myself to avoid falling into the cycle that so many adult children of absentee fathers fall into.
You mentioned a lack of trust and this is the greatest damage done to the community by an untrustworthy father. Trust can only begin to be established when you take the time to figure out how your father’s absence has manifested itself into 1) your development of self-worth and 2) your dating life. And by figure out, I mean therapy. That’s why I hate the term, “daddy issues”, because we assume that women with absentee fathers are damaged goods. You don’t know who is taking the time to work through their childhood traumas, dramas, etc. I know a few (literally) women who have fathers who raised them and nurtured them into adulthood, so is it fair to just run the other way when you hear that a woman didn’t have a model father figure? I think not. Besides, you’d probably be left with very few options. It’s a lot of hard work to undo the effects of a deadbeat/non-ideal dad, but that doesn’t mean it’s impossible. Some of the “damage” is overt, and other times there are subtleties to a father’s influence on his daughter.
Like for me, I tend to attract and be attracted to men who are a little broken, and emotionally unavailable (overt). But I’m beginning to see that I also attract men who are not ready for a relationship period, even though their words and actions say they are. (subtle) This is the con-artist part of my father that I seem to seek out in suitor after suitor (or nigga after nigga, whichever you prefer). My father made a lot of promises that he didn’t fulfill, but he made up for them in desperately extravagant ways. He’s a habitual liar, but he’s very charismatic.
This is the hardest part- learning what to trust what you hear and see. I find myself creating new dating rules every year. (i.e. Just because he did everything on the ‘he really IS into you’ list apparently doesn’t mean that he’s into you.) And a lot of times I find myself second-guessing every decision and every advance made by a man. Somehow, in spite of this I give most men the benefit of the doubt (I think), but I’m still working on retweeking my spidey sense. It means I have to take longer to get to know people before getting involved. Since in my experience, my perception (of dude) does not always match the reality. Like I said, it’s hard work. And it’s easy to get derailed and bamboozled by juicy kisses and good d*ck, and be like “but I thought we had a connection.” Survey says: naw dude, that was just s3x. What can I say, I’m not perfect, but there’s still hope for me.
You know what’s funny? I sound real optimistic right now, but if you would have written this 3 months ago, my response would have been, “f*ck it. I’m done with sh*t.”
@Miss Patterson, “Like I said, it’s hard work. And it’s easy to get derailed and bamboozled by juicy kisses and good d*ck, and be like “but I thought we had a connection.” Survey says: naw dude, that was just s3x. What can I say, I’m not perfect, but there’s still hope for me.”
I feel you, I do the exact same thing. It is hard work. What I’m learning now is that introspection is key, so there is hope for us…
@Miss Patterson,
And it’s easy to get derailed and bamboozled by juicy kisses and good d*ck, and be like “but I thought we had a connection.”
this is sad and funny all at the same time. i havent been D or B’d (hehe) by good d*ck ever, which is kinda sad in and of itself, but i def am a sucker (well… not exactly lol) for a good kisser and just overall affectionate person (see true confessions below). a guy who showers me with affection is much more likely to keep me in his grasp, even when the warning signs of a BAD SITCH are there.
@Miss Patterson, If you have never checked it out before, take a look at this blog: http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk
The site is the GREATEST I have ever found regarding emotionally unavailable men, and the women that deal with them. It changed my life!
@Miss Patterson, Yes trust i the hardest part and it is so easy to get derailed by mindless fukery..
I honestly just realized I have “daddy issues”, but not because he chose not be around or anything. He died when I was a toddler, and weird as it might sound, I remember time spent with him vividly. It didn’t hit me, until towards the end of my first serious relationship. My father’s absence, and a father figure in general had in fact crippled me in the relationship department.
Funny enough, that miserably failed relationship made me realize how much I needed a positive, loving, father figure in my life to guide me ( little too late now). I do however have a significantly older brother in my life, but he is by no means a guiding light in helping me understand the dynamics of a man. Or a good example of how a man is suppose to treat a woman.
So even though I have “daddy issues” I’m trying not to use that as a crutch. I tried explaining my issues to my ex… totally dismissed the idea, and couldn’t wrap his brain around, what was being said. So I’ve decided to suck up my issues, and TRY to move forward in relationships without that chip on my shoulders.
I really don’t think some men understand how importance their presence is in little girls lives. Or children in general, for that matter.
@GEELA, your situation is similar to my friend I was talking to. her father died when she was young too. a little bit older than you, but young all the same. she was telling me how is death actually affected her older brother a LOT worse than she and her sisters she’s noticing (she’s a social worker so I think she’s diagnosed her brother in one way or another).
@Reecie,
I too have notice how my father’s death has affected my brother. I don’t know who was affected the most, but either way it was a huge loss for both of us. He’s grown now, but I think he still needs a father figure in his life. I’ve realized how loosing my father has affected me. Him not so much. Still very much in denial. And that’s the hard part.
@GEELA,
wow, another great comment. thanks for sharing!!!
i think women esp need to be having this conversation so we know what OUR children need when its our time to be mothers (or even aunts and godmothers). so we can address the needs of our children. esp if the father is absent (for whatever reason), we have to be able to make sure there is some positive male role model who can teach our young girls how to love themselves and allow good, strong men love them.
and directly at you GEELA, i think you will one day find a man who recognizes your “issues” and is comfortable discussing them and willing to help you work through them. that’s the keeper!!!!!!
@The One & True GEM… of the Ocean,
And to harp back on what to say, we also need to be more selective in who we decide to have our children with. It might sound simple but sometimes we don’t realize that we might be a part of the equation by having a child with someone who is clearly unavailable, unable or unwilling to be a father… So let’s be more insightful in choosing a “potential father”, granted what someone is now can change at any minute… still the best we have at predicting tomorrow is today and yesterday…
@Sula,
“And to harp back on what to say, we also need to be more selective in who we decide to have our children with.”
Trust one of my grandmother’s favorite quotes is “watch who ya lay down with and get ya children by.” I think I’ve been hearing that since I was 14 or so…lol
@miss t-lee, Wish I had listened…I love my babies but now I have to deal with their father….forever….
@Sula,
true dat. word.
I just reread the title of this post. Panama, does this mean you’re going to adopt us? If you’re taking applications, where should I send mine? We’ll talk later about my student loan debt and claiming me as a dependent…I heard ‘good’ pappies handle this kind of stuff.
@Miss Patterson, my house ain’t big enough for all y’alls problems.
lol.
I suppose I have “Daddy Issues” though they aren’t as profound as I thought they would be. Was hardworking, stern, yet present, and the daughters mostly felt we had to walk on eggshells around him to not make him upset. A good bit of fear there. Lots of fighting and yelling with my mother, but they’ve been together for over 40 years, still married. He has retired since and is trying to get to know us. A lot less stern, more open, sad he missed out on us growing up.
Manifested in me now, not a pushover, but I wait until I’m calm to address stuff in a constructive way. Have been in a relationship with someone for 8 months and have never had a fight…never bicker…never nag…saw my parents do it constantly and hated it.
@KaNisa,
you’ve basically hit on the solution ppl have yet to discover:
if you didn’t like it growing up, don’t repeat it in your own life.
this is an interesting post.
i think the term ‘absent’ is being taken for ‘not with their mother’… which doesn’t always mean they are absent. my father and mother were together from age 13 to 26… i was born when my mother was 25, and to this day i can’t imagine them ever having been romantically involved, even though i’ve read love letters written to my mother by my father and seen pictures of them happily nuzzled. lol.
i’ve always been a Daddy’s girl and even though my father was far from what one would consider a traditional ‘good man’, he always made a point to inform me of my specialness and instilled in me the belief that if a man didn’t see and appreciate this quality and act accordingly, he didn’t deserve me. no exceptions. did i see he and my mom argue all the time over money, child support, visitations, etc…? yes. did it affect me in any way? i’m going to say no. examples of healthy relationships can be found if you just seek it and truly want to witness it yourself. but i don’t think your parents being together is an automatic guarantee that you won’t have ‘Daddy issues.’
i am of the thought that once we fight aggressively for our Men and young boys, teach them the ways in which REAL men behave, show THEM how to be responsible contributing citizens, and how to respect women and value family for the treasures they are, once we get back to the basics… i think there will be a lot less daddy issues… because there will be alot more good fathers in the community. everything starts with the Male in the community. we really do need to get back to the basics.
great post.
…please excuse the grammatical errors. it’s 5am. lol
Doesn’t everyone have parental issues of some sort? Even people who grew up with both parents present have some latent issues with their parents that effects their lives.
It is unfortunate, and true, that in the black community that a lot of little boys and girls grow up without their fathers, but I have yet to see how these people fair worse in relationships than people who do have both parents. Being from a single parent household myself, I would have thought that my ‘daddy issues’ were more of a disadvantage. But once I went to college, and met a significant amount of girls who did have both parents in their lives and on top of that very loving fathers, they were doing just well (or badly depending on how you look at it) in romantic interactions as anyone else.
I do think ‘daddy issues’ needs to be a more introspective project for people… Men and Women alike.
Women should think about what, if any, issues with their parents they have that will effect their interpersonal relationships. For many women, including myself, this has led me to realize what types of things I need form a partner, things that I’m upfront about so there is no confusion moving forward in the relationship.
But in reality, everyone has something that will make the already tricky and confusing skill of relationship building that much harder.
@MYG,
Doesn’t everyone have parental issues of some sort? Even people who grew up with both parents present have some latent issues with their parents that effects their lives.
That’s true… and is what has been feeding therapists since the 1970′s when it became In Vogue to have one.
Very good topic today!
I didn’t “think” I had “daddy issues” because I grew up in a two-parent, suburban household. I have never ever seen my parents argue/fight/belittle one another and truth be told, my brother and I have been spoiled all our lives. From the outside looking in, we are the Huxtables
BUT I don’t really “know” my father. He has always been the reserved presence in the house…never really joking with us growing up or playing games, etc. Always there financially but never emotionally. I cannot remember one time he ever called me to say hi or see how I was doing my entire 4.5 years away in college. Even now, I have lived away from home for 6 years post graduation and he has never called once. Now if I need new tires, brakes, a new car, etc – once I tell my mom – I have it right away through him but those things don’t compare to the true relationship I wish I had. I feel like Ive always tried to be overly good at things and become successful just for his approval so that he would “like”and be proud of me enough to want to get to know me. His own daughter!
In turn, guys that chased after me, wanted to be with me and who I felt would be really good spouses – I shut down. I used to be drawn to men who were emotionally unavailable..knowing good and well they were unattainable. Those that – (coincidently or not) like my daddy, I felt the need to do splits, tricks and bend over backwards for – to get to like me. I say these words in past tense because once I recognized this behavior and realized where it was coming from I have slowly been able to change things.
i’ve recently realized that i have relationship issues due to my father not being around, but it’s a different situation than those described by previous comments. my father died when i was 5 years old (cancer). however, i was always aware that we (my brother, sister, and i) were everything to him. his last thoughts were of us: telling us how much he loved us at his last rites (we’re catholic) when he could barely speak; financially providing for our future (even though his family stole the money. that’s another story…); and discussing specifics w/ my mom about how they had planned to raise us and how she would be able to do that without him around. i knew i was cherished by him. even in absentia, my father was a good male role model: active, involved father; husband; mba; owned an accounting firm with my mother; adored by his friends. He didn’t get on well with his family, but after their thieving ways, I see why. I do think his dysfunctional relationship with his family influenced his commitment to our family. i also had many men around who cherished me and treated me well: my grandfather, uncles, cousins, brother. So not having a good reference point for who i should be treated was never an issue.
my issue actually stems from watching my mother after my father’s death. she was absolutely and totally in love with him the day he died and she still is today. that thought terrifies me. to still be in love with and pining for a man that is dead and whom you will never see again (on this earth) is the most painful and heartbreaking thing that i have ever seen. there was nothing she could do to stop it and now she’s the one left to deal with a love she can never participate in or express again. this leads to my relationship issue: i never have my emotional and physical needs met in the same place. i have my emotional needs met by one man and my physical needs met by another. i don’t want to but all my eggs in one basket because if he dies, what the hell am i supposed to do for the rest of my life? i erect an emotional wall and maintain distance because i never want to love a man as much as my mom loved my father and then be left to grieve for him. NO!
i do feel for the guys i date though. they’re blind-sided by my emotional distance because as far as they can tell, things are going very well and we’re having a wonderful time and then when i feel like i’m about to get emotionally attached, i cut and run. they don’t deserve that, so i’m trying to break the cycle because i don’t want to contribute to any more angry, bitter, woman-hating men- there are too many around these parts already. ugh. but it doesn’t come natural to me. i have to really think about what i’m doing and force myself to stay in one place long enough to commit and attach.
@SassyNoLA,
Wow, that’s real. Thanks for sharing. It’s an aspect of things I never thought about, but I can definitely see how that can be played out. My mom’s best friend also lost her husband to a disease and literally lived her life as a shrine to him. To this day, she is still wearing both wedding bands on her left arm… When she was diagnosed with breast cancer, her friends made sure to keep a close watch on her and remind her that she needed to be there for her grandkids because the temptation to do nothing would have been too great. She only has sons, but unlike you they tend to pour all their beings and lives and dreams into the women they are with (which can be dangerous when someone else doesn’t feel the same way) because that’s the kind of “love” they have witnessd.
And at the risk of sounding like a broken record, maybe you should seek therapy? But by all means, thanks for sharing.
I grew up with both parents and my parents are still together. That being said my father had issues with his father and that affected how my dad raised us. In my family most of the men in the family weren’t exactly the model husband. Yes they were breadwinners but the women they were with had to put up with alot. Just because your father is there doesn’t mean you have a healthy relationship with him. My ex and a few other chics I dated had their father there financially but not there in other areas. I’ve met too many women that have a totally different view of what a man should be in a relationship because of their father or lack of having a father. I’ve been with some women and their view of men in a relationship is totally spaced out to me. I think part of the problem comes from the traditional roles of men in America post WWII and the historical issues of Black families in America. When you mix slavery and the dysfunction of the White American family structure (e.g. Leave It To Beaver, Ozzie an Harriet) it causes a lot of problems.
@Humble_One,
X______________ @ this entire post. Truth.
Bond. BlkBond.
@Humble_One,
Just because your father is there doesn’t mean you have a healthy relationship with him.
this is quite true. as expressed by many comments today, the type of relationship, or lack there of, a woman has with her father is VERY telling of how she treats and is treated by men. and unfortunately, many brothas out there have their own daddy issues and dont realize the long-lasting effects they have on our entire community, esp when it comes to male-female relationships.
“something called a Florida Evans”
CTFU!!! I’m so done with you dawg…lol
I think Daddy issues are real on both sides. Men and women both have abandonment issues that come from not having a parent around.
Do I have Daddy issues? No. My Dad has been in my life since day one. He raised four of us by himself after my Mom passed when I was 9. He did what he had to do to take care of us all, as well teach us all that we needed to know about being responsible members of society. He was always there for us, and still is to this day. Needless to say, I’m his number one fan.
Not to say, I’m without issues. I have a whole ‘nother set of them…just any involving my Daddy.
Daddy issues… I never met my dad, never so much as seen that ninja in a picture. It didn’t affect me until I started to date and have “relations” with men. I would want affection (that I never experienced from a man before) and would settle for the sex they wanted in order to get the affection that I desired.
Thank God I realized what I was doing before too much time had passed, and got it together in that regard. The thing is I always was a bit suspicions about men (thanks to the glowing examples my lame ass uncles gave me) so when I finally wised up on my whole sex/affection issue I was SUPER suspicious about dealing with men in that way again because all they seemed to want me for was sex and to show there boys what they pulled (I was in the Navy when all of this was going on with me and the military is NOTORIOUS for a lot of sexuality and other debauchery civilians don’t really have a clue about.) I still have a hard time trusting men that want to sleep with me since I have been screwed over by the very few that I loved and really trusted.
Not every man is out to get me, I know that, so I make sure that I ask myself when something is going on “is this because of what is going on and how I feel about that or is this about my past and those issues?”
@Perdita,
and the military is NOTORIOUS for a lot of sexuality and other debauchery civilians don’t really have a clue about.)
You aren’t the first person to hint at the sex-realted things that go on in the military. Oh the things I have heard. (I’ll add military men to the list of the types I should be extra cautious around)
@Perdita, Trust me, any civilian that lives in a military town is more than aware of all the debauchary. Well, at least they are after every woman under the age of 30 has been impregnated.
::sigh::
My name is ::JumpOnIt:: and I am a victim of a single parent home. My real father is somewhere smooth sailing in FL with his other family.. and my stepfather was as useful as lawnmower in the dead of winter. Yea… both men.. prime role models.
My mother is can easily be the strongest woman I know, is also the craziest. I’m Haitian. Haitian men are legendary. With that said,,,\
I’m 25. Up until about 2-3 years ago, my daddy issues manifested itself in my sex life. I met a guy, wanted him to like me… so I slept with him, in hopes he’d be around. Now…I just matured. And instead of being that same person… I am the exact opposite. I want a man to be 180 degrees opposite. I want to be married before I have kids because I don’t want my kids to go through the same issues that I went through. Before I date a man, there’s certain characteristics he CAN NOT have. And I refuse to settle. It’s a horrible cycle that affected our parents, their peers, my generation, and the generations to come. It’s up to us to stop it… and I am ok with being the first and giving my children everything I didn’t have… (that includes a non-crazy mother due to man and culture issues, and an absentee father)\
(I have 3 siblings-2 sis and a bro– and I can see how this has affected them. Each of us in a different way. It’s very sad, and no matter how much we’re there for each other, we can’t be there for each other in that way,)
I am overly trusting especially with men and even more so with men who don’t deserve it. I blame this on my “daddy issues” because my father is a liar. He lies about everything from Christmas gifts being in the mail, to where he lives…everything. So now I think my desperation to have a man I can trust has led to poor decision making on my part. For example, believing that the female co-worker he was texting 24/7 for six months was just a friend, and then believing him when he said it was over and then believing when he said it was really over…..the cycle continues.
@smanakins,
When you’re finally sick of it, remember that you, too, have the authority to say it’s really over.
I have had daddy issues most of my life. He was absent during my formative years. I just recently over the last 4-5 years re-connected with my father. He has changed and he want’s to have a relationship with me. I gave him that opportunity and it has been very healing. I don’t resent him anymore and I have let the anger and bitterness go. However, the repercussions of his absence have been far reaching in my relationships with men. I do have some internal fear of abandonement…and it has been a challenge to try and rectify that. I know, it all stems from the absence of my father growing up. It’s sad. I wish he would’ve have been around but he wasn’t so I have been kinda flying blind when dealing with men..Luckily, I had strong male family influences to look up to….but, its not the same, really. I am glady you wrote this because Black men need to understand how this issue affects our relationships with them…..
I grew up with a daddy and step-daddy. I wasn’t as close with my daddy until I went to college. Anyhow, I think my relationships with those two men have hindered my abilities to look past a lot of BS. I have…wait for it…expectations of men. Unfortunately, most men who grew up without seeing their fathers treating their mothers with a modicum of respect don’t have any real idea what it means to treat someone like a mate. And let’s be honest, most of the men in this generation don’t have active fathers or decent father figures. I believe this is why men get hair bumps! They didn’t have a man to teach them how to shave. They don’t figure out how to get rid of hair bumps until they have already started getting scars.
@Ms. Smart,
“I have…wait for it…expectations of men. Unfortunately, most men who grew up without seeing their fathers treating their mothers with a modicum of respect don’t have any real idea what it means to treat someone like a mate.”
Co-sign. The kicker is when people (men and women) wil tell you that you’re expecting too much and the classic “why you gotta be so hard on a brotha/sista?” No, I’m not talking about frivolous expectations, I mean serious character/value differences that people will simply accept as being normal.
my name is Reecie and I have daddy issues. its so intersting I was just having a convo over the weekend with one of my best friends about life and my daddy issues. I thank God I have a mother that raised me well and I have developed coping skills that have truly benefited me. And I also have a father figure in my stepdad, but the anger towards my biological father never really allowed myself to embrace my stepdad as truly a “father”. I am doing that now, and I love him so much, but even better he LOVES ME BACK.
I think I went thru a looking for the devoid love phase in high school, but luckily I came out of it. I still have to affirm myself that my father not being in my life is his loss, because I am fabulous. And as my BFf said, he will have to one day atone for his lack of involvement in my life. I still struggle with forgiveness, but I’m working on it.
I have to admit that the idea of “daddy issues” is one that is becoming trivial. I am 21 and have never had a true relationship with my father. And as I get older, I am learning more about the type of man he is, or rather, isn’t. Knowing this, I am grateful that he opted to be out of my life than to be in my life and add nothing of substance or value.
However, if we are to fully examine relationships, or lack thereof, between black women and their fathers, we must also study black women whose fathers are not absent. I know some women who have had their fathers all of their lives, yet would have rather lived without them. Being a parent is more than just a physical presence. A child must be enhanced emotional, psychologically, mentally and spiritually. And while my father has not added to my emotional development, my mom has.
Teaching someone about love and forgiveness isn’t gender specific; it is universal. I am not jaded enough to blame all men for the failures of my own father. Nor am I lost or any of those other negative attributes awarded to those of us who grew up fatherless.
I have forgiven my father years ago. Hoarding any ill feelings toward anyone is a sure way to self destruction. I would rather forgive him for his absence than to lament over his inadequate involvement in my life. But that is just me.
@pe. riche., I don’t think most of the commenters are “taking it out” on the men they meet in life. Its more like, the psyche is damaged from the age where feelings of validation were so important, that there is in innate need to fill that emotional, subconcious void. It is not a concious decision to seek out emotionally unavailable men or have trust issues. It seems to be something that happens automatically. This is why many adults don’t really get all the way into the depth of it completely until they are older, and have had time to observe their messed up relationship patterns.
Most people that have these issues, probably don’t even realize where it is coming from, or that it is harmful to self. It’s almost like an instinct to seek out a significant other that allows you to “relive” your relationship with your father..this time with a voice as an adult, with that adult hoping to make it end differently with this guy then it did with their father.
I may have some Daddy issues. Just not ones that involve him being some sort of deadbeat. He and my mom divorced when I was a baby and I saw him often since I was raised by my paternal grandmother until I graduated eighth grade. I think my issues stem from losing him to lung cancer when I was twelve years old. And I think the walls I put up in relationships with men have a lot to do with that. I have fond memories of my dad (him teaching me how to swing on my own is probably my fondest), but I always feel it wasn’t enough. I always feel I didn’t get close enough. I think I needed him most during high school and college when my relationships with men started to truly develop past just the boys I played with when I was a tomboy. My mom taught me all that birds and bees ish, but of course, I wanted (and needed) a male perspective. And I didn’t quite have that.
Dayum, this is too heavy for a Monday.
…
Actually, when I think about it, it’s perfect. Mondays are heavy.
Anyhow, good post, Panda Jackson. Makin’ folks think and ish. Good look.
I’m 24 years old never been in a serious relationship because I don’t trust men. Why? Because my father took a paternity leave of absence for 24 years. Ditto. What pisses me off though, is that it’s not like he didn’t have a job to take care of me (heard he’s a successful Doctor), or that he was new to parenthood (already had 3 daughters) but he decided not to be in my life because I’m a product of an affair. He was making promises to leave his wife, knocked up my mother, didn’t want his family to find out and cowardly said “oops bye bye wi”. Haitian men are indeed legendary. It is a horrible cycle especially in the Haitian community. Haitian’s are too prideful to “work it out” thus turning this problem into the norm. My mother could have stamped him with the infamous child support but she didn’t want to look like a beggar and decided to raise me and my little sister alone.
The whole point is that I fear raising my future child in my footsteps. I pray to God everyday to find a guy who wouldn’t leave me hanging. I was ashamed to let past dudes in my life to know that I didn’t have a father and have no clue how to be in a relationship. Now I make sure to tell a guy that I don’t know what the hell I’m doing, not because I’m stuck in naivety, but because I don’t know the basics. Sometimes I wish that schools offered courses such as “Relationship 101″ and “Intro to Womanhood” to young women like me in order to break this detrimental cycle. I did pretty darn well in school, getting ready to go after my Masters, and have a bright future career-wise, but relationship-wise, unfortunately that is still underdeveloped. What I find myself doing is pretending to be someone I’m not and confusing the hell out of myself and the dudes. One minute I’m the obedient wifey type the next I’m femme fatale doing a drive by with other “daddy issues” girls. So yes, women who were raised without a father is a major problem in our community because we don’t know how to communicate with men…I least I don’t
I’m 24 years old never been in a serious relationship because I don’t trust men. Why? Because my father took a paternity leave of absence for 24 years. Ditto. What pisses me off though, is that it’s not like he didn’t have a job to take care of me (heard he’s a successful Doctor), or that he was new to parenthood (already had 3 daughters) but he decided not to be in my life because I’m a product of an affair. He was making promises to leave his wife, knocked up my mother, didn’t want his family to find out and cowardly said “oops bye bye wi”. Haitian men are indeed legendary. It is a horrible cycle especially in the Haitian community. Haitian’s are too prideful to “work it out” thus turning this problem into the norm. My mother could have stamped him with the infamous child support but she didn’t want to look like a beggar and decided to raise me and my little sister alone.
The whole point is that I fear raising my future child in my footsteps. I pray to God everyday to find a guy who wouldn’t leave me hanging. I was ashamed to let past dudes in my life to know that I didn’t have a father and have no clue how to be in a relationship. Now I make sure to tell a guy that I don’t know what the hell I’m doing, not because I’m stuck in naivety, but because I don’t know the basics. Sometimes I wish that schools offered courses such as “Relationship 101″ and “Intro to Womanhood” to young women like me in order to break this detrimental cycle. I did pretty darn well in school, getting ready to go after my Masters, and have a bright future career-wise, but relationship-wise, unfortunately that is still underdeveloped. What I find myself doing is pretending to be someone I’m not and confusing the hell out of myself and the dudes. One minute I’m the obedient wifey type the next I’m femme fatale doing a drive by with other “daddy issues” girls. So yes, women who were raised without a father is a major problem in our community because we don’t know how to communicate with men…I least I don’t
@T,” but relationship-wise, unfortunately that is still underdeveloped. What I find myself doing is pretending to be someone I’m not and confusing the hell out of myself and the dudes.”
hehehe that one made me chuckle T, but i can relate..
I end up over analyzing things because to me communicating = having a “talk” about every little thing all the time..smh
great post. i grew up with very loving and supportive parents and i had a very happy and safe childhood. however, i struggled with relationships b/c I assumed that most men would responsible, supportive and honest like my father. i assumed, in my own naive way, that my relationships would be loving and nuturing like my parents. it was not until my 20′s when i noticed that some men did not share the same qualities as my father. additionally, it took sometime for me to learn that my mother and father’s relationship was a process… overtime they learned to work together.
however, my father did provide examples of what to look for in a mate. he is also a deterrent for those b.s. muthaf*ckas who are up to no good.
@Ananiwaa,
I can so definitely relate to that. Every which way we turn, growing up is growing up. Despite our circumstances there is always something that we have to get past to mature. Growing up is not easy.
I just came back to say that I notice a lot of women who grew up without fathers seem to lessen the role of the father. I completely see why since as a defense mechanism, all people believe they turned out well. And if they did this without a father’s input, then it must be possible for everyone to turn out fine without a father. Therefore, fathers aren’t a mandatory component. They are optional.
Also, men without fathers also think they have turned out well. As a result, many of them see no reason why any offspring they have will turn out just as well without their fatherly input.
@Ms. Smart, Good point.
Reading all the comments just goes to show, though our experiences differ, we can all agree what qualities matter in a father and child relationship.
@Ms. Smart, I agree with you on this. My “baby daddy” is a man that has only met his father a few times. His dad is a womanizer and breeder to the extreme. Though he says he does not want to be like him, his is JUST LIKE HIM and never even knew him. Its like he grew up to be what he thought his father was, relying on rumors. I can see in him, through his actions and with my spidey senses, that he does not think he turned out so bad, and therefore does not put any weight on being a dad. He doesn’t have any clue how f*cked up he is, and how is random disappearing and reappearing will affect the babies as they get older. I’m still trying to figure out which is better.. a completely absent father, or a selfish, sporadic, disappointing one.
“…I’m pretty sure Oprah doesn’t know her daddy. Whoopi neither…but she doesn’t have any eyebrows.
I’m afraid of an eyebrowless community…
*dead*
Ha! Panama, I had this exact discussion with a group of ladies this weekend. In my earlier dating days, I would concern myself with a woman’s past dating history, and made the dummy move of making that a priority. As I got older and wiser, I learned that you have to really look at a woman’s relationship with her father. Closely. Its also one of those things that instead of asking about, I observe. Hell, you even have to look at the Mommy issues too. Some of these moms will try to block their daughter’s blessings out of straight up jealousy and their own mommy/daddy issues.
@DirtyJerz, Truth!
My issue is not with me per se, it is with my daughter. I’ve been with my husband for 17 years, and we have two beautiful children a son 15 and a daughter 10. As a product of a two parent household my father and me have a relationship out of this world, me and my father have inside jokes that no one would ever understand, and he is just so real with me and he never sugar coated anything about men to me. With that being said, I pushed for my husband and our daughter to have a relationship kind of like me and my fathers. They have father daughter dates (Me and our son as well) to WHATEVER restaurant that she want to go to with cost not being an issue, anything that little girl heart desires he will bend his back to provide for her; everything is little princess this or litlle princess that (He’s not guilty of it by himself, I’m also guilty). I guess what I am trying to say is I am grateful that they have that kind of relationship, but I fear that if this continues, once she starts dating she is going to hold her relationship standards up as highly as she does with her father. I guess I’m scared of setting my baby up for failure with a man in her future, (because we all know everyone is not going to treat you like DADDY).
@I’vegoteveryreasontobelieve….,
I personally don’t see anything wrong with their relationship at all. I don’t believe you’re setting her up for failure, but you are showing her she should be treated. Nothing wrong with that.
@miss t-lee,
indeed. c/s!
@I’vegoteveryreasontobelieve…., I’m a product of good relationships with step-dad and dad. It was harder when I was younger. But as I got older, I was able to quickly weed out the men who wouldn’t treat me with the same respect
my dad and step-dadall the men who helped raise me treated me with.@I’vegoteveryreasontobelieve….,
I think that is ideal not unrealistic. I do this with my sister. My father is not an ‘emotional’ and compassionate man, so I try to assist where I deem necessary, and one of those things (since she was 10) was take her out to eat, etc.
This sets a precedent for men thereafter; show her how she deserves to be treated and the attentiveness of genuine interest. Anything else is likely a waste of time and effort.
Bond. BlkBond.
@BlkBond,
my brother* is the same way with me. he’s def more affectionate and sensitive than my father. and my bro treats his wife like a QUEEN. my bro def showed me how to be treated in all the ways my dad just couldnt based on his lack of affection and openness with me (though my dad did teach me about the basics of what to look for in men — i.e. protector/provider.
*i should mention my bro had daddy issues too when his father was alive, and he has a close rel’ship with my dad who helped raise him in his “boy-to-man” phase.
@I’vegoteveryreasontobelieve….,
I agree with what you are saying… although it won’t be as deep-rooted and difficult an issue as say Trust, it could become a hinderance.
I am the first born of 4 daughters. To my dad, I could become the only woman to go to the Sun if I wanted to. His higher than high beliefs in me have often translated into very high expectations that I set for myself (I don’t want to disappoint daddy) often at the detriment of my actual relationships. It also created this expectation that the men I date should kiss the ground I walk on, which is not necessarily the best way to approach relationships in general… but to be truthful, it does more good than bad.
If the worst that can come out of it, is her having an inflated sense of self, I say it’s not that bad. It will just take your husband to make her realize that life is not all about her (which my dad did at some point, lol) and that all relationships are give and take.
But i say let her enjoy her princess days! They go by too fast.
@Sula, Exactly what I was trying to say..Thanks!
Great topic PJ. However, like a few other folks have already said, I think the term “daddy issues” is BS. Mostly because this term is usually associated with women. You never hear of anyone saying a black man who has issues with trusting women or knowing how to be in a relationship has “daddy issues”. That being said, I still think that not having a father (or a mother) can definitely be detrimental to having a successful romantic relationship as an adult.
And I honestly think coming from broken househoulds is the reason why black women and black men have such a hard time being together. The truth of the matter is that alot of young black folks these days grew up in single parent households, where one or both of the parents may have been abusive or on drugs, dad was in jail, they were raised by their grandmother, etc. Its so common these days and I believe its gotten even worse. My mother is a public school teacher and she tells me horrible stories all the time about how poor and neglected these kids are.
But as a black woman, if you’ve never had a positive black male role model in your life – a father, an uncle, a pastor, etc. Then you grow up not knowing what a positive relationship with a male is supposed to be like. Many of those women end up getting into abusive (mentally or physically) relationships and stay in them because they have no idea what its like to feel unconditional love from a man. They don’t know what its like to have a man that loves them and would do anything for them yet wants nothing from them other than love. And the cycle continues.
People can come up with a million reasons as to why black men and women have such a hard time being in a positive and healthy relationship but I believe it all starts with the family.
i meant to leave this comment last night but i was so cold i couldnt think anymore. anyhoo….
i, like a few others, have a diff type of “daddy issues”. i grew up with both parents, who are still together and who im still very close with. they each had previous marriages and children from those marriages. im the only child my parents have together. and while i had a pretty good relationship with my dad (i love him dearly and enjoy getting an occasional txt from him lol), my dad’s kids probably wouldnt say the same, ESP my sister. i was something like a “daddy’s girl” but not really. i mean, i didnt want for much. my dad was at EVERY band performance (shuddup, #dontjudgeme, lol), swim meet, dance recital, etc etc. my dad took me to the hospital with him when he did his weekend rounds. i worked in his office on my breaks from school to earn extra money. when i was real young, he used to make cartoons for me with his neat film tricks. he would always have some kind of home-made science experiment for us to do. he helped me with every school project. i spent a LOT of time with my dad. to most ppl, i was his mini-me.
but he’s not affectionate — hugs and kisses were few and far btwn. never really told me he loved me, never told me i was beautiful. he could be very mean and has a bad temper. and it took me a few years to realize why i get to feeling “some kinda way” when a guy im dating doesnt tell me i look nice, or doesnt act like a chivalrous gentlemen and treat me like a true lady. i also need to be shown lots of affection — im big on hugs and kisses and cuddling and all that. and lastly, i get real defensive if a guy uses a harsh tone with me or sounds like he’s belittling me. i dont want to be treated like ive seen my dad treat me and my mother.
while this hasnt really hindered my dating life, it certainly adds a different dynamic to how i react and respond to men. not necessarily for the worst, but definitely some things about ME that i had to change once i realized why i was acting the way i was acting. introspection and self-reflection is a mutha!! but im glad i took the time to learn about me. and i have a whole new appreciation for my dad now. love that crazy old man (and all of his many flaws) to death!
@The One & True GEM… of the Ocean,
you said: while this hasnt really hindered my dating life, it certainly adds a different dynamic to how i react and respond to men.
EXACTLY what I wanted to say in my post below but didn’t want to get into too much.
wow…..what a posting.
I have suffered from what we will call “daddy issues” for the sake of this post. For a while, I was in denial about the extent of my mother’s relationship with my father; often saying things about how my parents had “divorced” when I was a child, how they never worked….etc. When in fact, my mother never had a real relationsip with the man. When I realized this it really hurt me….she was just some concubine, sl*t, h&, tramp, etc. Is this how he felt about her?
I recall several times going by his house, which is only 4 blocks from my mother’s apartment. It would be the dead of the winter and he wouldn’t let us inside; because that’s where the REAL family was, his wife and children (about 6 of them) and his mother- my grandmother who I have met only twice before she passed away in 2007. He made a conscious and deliberate effort to keep me away from my siblings and his family as if I wasnt good enough…..and this is what carries over into my relationships with men.
I won’t even say he is a scumbag because I personally continue to blame my mother for what, to me, seemed like and irresponsible choice. To this day she still has issues keeping her finances together, maintains relationships with men who I would never deem appropriate for anyone, has had drug issues (this post has become somewhat therapeutic for me at this point. I am at work so I will not cry!). When I look at her, I almost entriely agree with my father. Maybe when he hooked up with her she was more of “dime” but by the time I had reached about four years old she fell off and even I didn’t want to be associated with her. Part of me feels like his disdain towards her has sabotaged my ability to get close to him. I’m ALWAYS asking myself if I am good enough….then when you grow up with your grandmother in your ear about how my father is horrible; I mean how can that be when he raised ALL of his other children and is STILL married to the wife (who was in Jamaica when my mother and he conceived me) and did right by those he considers to his family?
I’m rambling….
It’s this constant need I have to be the f@$&ing best that has sprouted from this lack of affection I recieved from him [and my mother, honestly]. I feel like my life is in a pressure cooker….I am the diamond in the coal mine. His birthday is on the 26th of this month….he just saw me a few weeks ago. I’m always trying to “touch base” with him just to show him how determined I am to be the greatest. I remember wanting him to teach me how to drive…..he never did. But last year my ex-boyfriend (a very emotional, verbally abusive and destructive relationship) helped me pass my exam and I bought an ’09 Camry…then I drove it by his house around this Christmas. He started talking about how beautiful I turned out to be and how I looked just like my mother when she was my age (23) and how he was so proud. Then he introduced me to all these people…..I mean GTFOOHWTBS!!!! I wanted to smack him….
What I relaized about a year ago is that I need not prove myself to anyone but myself. I do me…and WELL!
I invite all thoughts….I am not easily offended and tend to be a tough cookie.
@Jackie,
First, I want to commend you for you honesty and bravery to even post that.
Second, no one doubts your tenacity. Simply reading that tells us enough about your character and work ethic. Hold your head, you have nothing to ashamed of.
I can understand how you can be torn emotionally. There are 3 sides to every story: his side, her side, and the truth. Don’t fault yourself or look down upon others for the choices in their past. You were not there and the people who were all have different interpretations of what happened. Focus more of the here and the now.
You must decide if you wish to get to know that man (you biological father) on a personal level, or if you would rather continue as you always have been. Whatever choice you make, keep to it—don’t allow your contempt or curiosity to taint your progress.
My father’s situation is similar to yours; however, after 30+ years of his choice of not having a relationship with him, someone made a decision for both of them: me. I wanted to know more about my family…more about myself. The effects varied on every end of emotion from happiness to anger, but in short, I’m happy I reached out to my biological grandfather (we call him by his first name).
You may not have get that father-daughter dynamic that exists in the practical sense, but you may learn more about someone who was involved in your conception. Sometimes, that in itself is worth the fight.
Bond. BlkBond.
@BlkBond,
Great comment, Bond.
Jackie, I commend you for all your success and your grip on reality. I believe you have already traced the path to a happier life. Kudos.
@BlkBond, Co-sign… the past is the past- there’s no going back and changing it.
Jackie, you’ve obviously turned out to be a remarkable young woman despite your difficulties… nonetheless the desire for a deeper understanding of your father (and mother for that matter) will always be present… embrace it- there’s nothing wrong with wanting to know the man who was chosen to help create you and fullfilling that curiosity- just as long as you know, as you go about this, that nothing he can do or say going forward changes the great woman you are and will continue to be… so continue to be great with or without him- but not for him for you.
And try to forgive your mom… we all make mistakes.
@Jackie,
This took some courage to write and share. You, my dear, are a brave soul. Much respect.
DADDYWASNTTHERE PEACE!!!! (c) Austin powers
Can we start a Daddy Issues Club? Wait, That makes D.I.C. <— Hmm… even the acronym is accurate. Ok where was I?
As yes. Honestly, everyone has Daddy Issues. IF Daddy was there & was upstanding, then one can be hypercritical of the men that comes into your life, in an attempt to make sure they measure up. If Daddy was missing like Stevie Wonder's hairline, then one may not trust men OR trust men too much in an attempt to make up for not having that strong male figure.
We ALL have Daddy issues. I know I got some. One day, I'mo go to therapy.
P.S. Oddly enough, before I even read this post or knew what it was about, I made my FB status "Being on FB is a psychological observation lab. You can see every Daddy issue & every unmet need on Maslow's Hierarchy. #SelfActualizationFail" You can call me Ms. Cleo
Thanks Ladies…Blk Bond,
You’re right, I mean he goes so far as to opening up the car door for her and if he brings me roses home he would bring her one home also, Actually I think it’s kind of cute. I just don’t want her to grow up and be that chick that has so many high standards she is going to be lonely. (I mean she is only 10, and it may sound like I have my baby walking down the aisle already, but before I know she will be. Just saying!) LOL!
I read your post and sent my dad a text to say thanks for being a stand up guy!
My parents had me while still in high school. Got married young and are still together to this day. Luckily I grew up with parents that were excellent communicators and always demonstrated a loving and respectful relationship.
I never really gave thought to how watching their example of love would be beneficial to how my realtionships play out. I just thought having my daddy around kept me off the pole… and here I see there were other benefits…
I shared my “daddy story” further up in the comments, but just wanted to add that EVERYBODY HAS ISSUES!! Even if you have a picture perfect relationship with your father, you’re gonna have some other kind of emotional turmoil that you struggle (or have struggled) with. Granted, some people’s issues are bigger than others’, but this notion that married people are oh so perfect and emotionally well adjusted is ridiculous. Everytime I engage in the discussion of the Tragic Successful Black Woman Syndrom (TSBWS), people wanna say, “well those women got issues.” In the words of L. Boogie (responding to the media’s allegations that she has emotional issues) on the Unplugged Album, “and you don’t?” Everybody got issues! The key is finding someone who can handle them, is strong where you are weak, and loves you in spite of your issues. For example, if your issue is fear of abandonment, then the right person for you will be someone who does not mind providing you with the constant reassurance that you need. The old folks say that there is a top for every pot. And I belive that sh!t. I have to.
@Yonnie3k, “In the words of L. Boogie (responding to the media’s allegations that she has emotional issues) on the Unplugged Album, “and you don’t?” Everybody got issues! The key is finding someone who can handle them, is strong where you are weak, and loves you in spite of your issues. For example, if your issue is fear of abandonment, then the right person for you will be someone who does not mind providing you with the constant reassurance that you need”
Wow thank you for posting this. This opened my eyes…
YES! My mother and I watch “Tough Love” and within 2 seconds shouted out “Daddy Issues” in unison. But seriously, my parents have been married for almost 20 years. I am a Daddy’s girl and call or text or email or BBM my father on a consistent basis. As Tyra said a Daddy is “a girl’s first boyfriend.” Not in an incest way but in terms of setting the example on how a man should treat her. Daughters also learn from how their father treats their mother. I can say my father set the bar EXTREMELY high. There is no man I admire more than my father. NO ONE. He sacrifices, gives, and loves fiercely. He kissed and hugged me and my sister everyday, told us he loved us and called us beautiful even through my teen angst “GOD I’m so ugly and fat!” phase. He was super strict and over protective but I respected him for that. He talked straight up to me about men and boys and told us to treat dating like a poker game. “Keep all your cards to your chest, don’t lay all your cards out on the table because after that what cards do you have to play with?” He sat me down when I had my first boyfriend at 18 and said he was troubled, because he used to be the only man in my life and believed no guy would ever be good enough for his daughters. This constant love, nurturing and communication bred a very well adjusted and well attuned young woman. His love and devotion to my mother backed up his words and beliefs. I can honestly say, fathers play a HUMUNGOUS role in a girl’s development and relationships with men and her relationship with herself. I totally agree with this post because if I met someone who is half the man my father is, we might just have a winner.
I was blessed to grow up in a two parent household. My dad is an awesome man and because of him I refuse to settle for a husband who is anything less than awesome. This, however, makes it a little tough in the dating game because a lot of the guys I meet didn’t grow up with the benefit of a father’s influence and therefore don’t know how a man is supposed to treat a woman. i think I’ve found myself trying to teach the men i date how to love me through the way I treat them….which often backfires resulting in me getting taken advantage of….
Anyway I guess my daddy issue is my family has set a super high bar. My parents and one of my aunts and one of my uncles at least appear (from my perspective) to have model relationships. And bringing anyone home who doesn’t meet the bar for a potential model relationship would be tough because anybody I bring home will be judged against high standards. Guys get extra scrutiny my mom if they didn’t grow up in a two parent household. Finding guys who’d meet my mom’s standards would make the already limited dating pool almost non-existent.
I’m glad this post was made. I think that has been a big issue when sifting through this pool of swill called the world of dating. Most of the girls I knew who knew and had good relationships with their fathers were pretty easy going and didn’t project things on to me. I guess because they knew what a man was supposed to look like and act like. However, I have seen some who despite having this father figure present, act in a sense of rebellion by becoming a slore or just plain being defiant and I could never understand it.
Regardless, I am still hoping to find a woman who has that type of relationship so I’m not walking into a world of hurt. As I’ve gotten older, I sense more disrespect and anger coming from some of these women out here and usually don’t dare to try to figure out the origin. I really feel sorry for some of these women because watching my sister and father’s relationship playing out (it was a good one; they might not’ve agreed on things but he was always on her case) I think he was one of the main reasons why she was considered a “catch” and was recently married. Fathers, the one who are in their children’s lives, deserve a lot more credit.
Her mom said that they left to make a better future for us, which I can respect but at the same time it actually hindered us
I get into this with people all the time whenever the “stay together for the kids” convo comes up. Just b/c a man divorces his wife, DOES NOT give him the right to divorce his kids or abandon his responsiblities as a father. Your parents breaking up does not give your father an excuse for not being a powerful, consistent, even DAILY presence in your life. The notion that it does is bullspit. I’m not attacking you, but this really irks me to no end.
Staying in a loveless or detrimental marriage with a man is not beneficial to the kids either. The daughter does not learn how a man is supposed to treat her. The son does not learn how to treat a woman. Both parents are miserable, and if the mother is miserable (depressed, unfulfilled), the children will also be miserable and it will manifest itself in several ways (poor school performance, behavior, etc.). Not saying to always take the easy way out (divorce), but sometimes it is the best thing for all involved. And divorcing the mother DOES NOT mean divorcing the children.
I was trying to respond to Buxxy’s comment further up the thread.
Hello, my name is Lucky and I have my own set of momma/daddy issues. I’m still working on myself and my issues. I”ve decided that I am not ready for a relationship. I may never be ready for an intimate relationship with a man. I’m not completely okay with that but I would rather make that decision for myself than have a judge/jury make it for me. J/k
Not discussing these topics in the Black community have gotten us to this place. Look around. We need to talk til we can’t say another word!
I would like to recommend the book Whatever Happened to Daddy’s Little Girl by Jonetta Rose Barras to anyone that is concerned with their family in paticular and the Black family in general. I found it very helpful.
Thanks for the good post today.
I am going to paint a broad brush here but from the ones I have encountered Black women with daddy issues tend to either over achievers or just women lost. As a teenager I actually hated girls without daddy issues because you couldn’t tell them anything!!! You can’t toy with their emotions, verbally abuse them or take advantage of them because they have a great point of reference of how a man is supposed to treat them.
Now the ones with daddy issues tend to form walls or not have any walls (standards) at all, ultimately crippling them in several of aspects of life. I will say though, I do admire black women. It is popular belief that black men have not been carrying their weight for a number of years now and to an extent it is true; nonetheless, black women (more than men) have found a way to transcend this reality (more successful in academia and corporate world). Side note, this is not empirical facts and is purely axiomatic but perception sometimes is more powerful than truth.
@xave,
good word. axiomatic. lol
WHAT THE FCUK VSB!!!! I come here for kicks and giggles!
@Yonnie3k, Not today you didn’t! LOL. Try back tomorrow…..
@Yonnie3k,
If you want kicks and giggles, take a glance at Champ’s deez.
I’m back in DC, and today has been kinda busy so I haven’t had a chance to really read the comments, but I wanted to leave this here:
“You aren’t responsible for what has happened to you. However, from this moment forward, you are in charge of what goes on. It’s not usually a person’s fault that he caught the flu or a cold, but if he wants to get better he needs to take the medicine. Now is the time for you to take your ‘medicine’ and be responsible for your own thoughts and actions.”
-Dr. Rob Dobrenski on “When is it Time to Stop Blaming our Parents for why We’re so F*cked Up?”
http://shrinktalk.net/?p=420#comments
If you are aware you have an issue that needs to be worked through, be it daddy issues, alcohol addiction, whatever, it’s okay to seek help. Some people can handle these things on their own, or some are blessed with a support network which allows them to work these issues out on their own. On that note, if you’re not comfortable with the therapist/psychologist for whatever reason, ask them to refer you to another professional who you feel will better understand you. If that means asking the old white shrink to refer you to a black shrink- then so be it. As psychologists we understand that everyone has their own preferences and comfort zones, and if these things are going to keep us from reaching the heart of the issue, then it is our ethical duty to refer the person out to someone who can help the person in need.
@Shay, I agree with that quote, this has been discussed @ nauseaum..both sexes of children need a father for similar and diff reasons…but at some point in time as adults, folk have to come to terms with what the didn’t have, abuses they may have suffered etc OWNING it all and letting it being a source of strength and motivation for you to be a better person etc instead allowing it to own you, define you, limit you, cripple you etc
@Shay,
it’s okay to seek help.
Truth.com.
That’s the gospel I have been trying to preach today. We need to get rid of the stigma that seeking professional mental help is not a “black” thing to do. We are dying of heart attacks and chronic diseases because we are not mentally well. The church can do so much, and if that’s what is comfortable then let’s do that. Religious therapy is still therapy. By all means, sometimes something needs to be done.
I did not think that I had daddy issues until I realized that I was looking for a father figure in men that were not easily accessible to me (married or with someone.) I was looking to be loved. That’s all I ever wanted. Now I realize that I need to find love within myself before I can have a healthy relationship. My father has always been around in different points in my life but he has his own demons that he needs to deal with. As a young child I witnessed the tumultuous relationship that he and my mother had. He would hit her in front of us. She still has a scar on her face to prove it. One day she finally fought back and put him in the hospital. Now that is what I saw growing up. That was the “black love” that I witnessed.
Since that time she has married an awesome man and my stepfather is a Godsend. My sisters and I love him. He is a real man that loves my mother. Having him in our lives has been such a great experience and it made me realize that not all men are jealous and abusive. I feel sad for my father because none of us see him as anything more than a homie. He has no power in anything that we do but he put himself in that position. I’m not sure if that will ever change.
Thank you for this post Panama.
It’s funny how every once in a while, VSB drops in on something I’m internally battling/currently discussing with friends.
@Jackie,
this part…
“It’s this constant need I have to be the f@$&ing best that has sprouted from this lack of affection I recieved from him”
….hit me the hardest.
I’m Nigerian and my folks have been together and are still together. But having a father ‘present’ does not mean he is ‘accounted for’. My parents always saw their children as just that– children. None of that trying to develop a relationship/friendship with your little girl or thinking she is a human being. God forbid she’s allowed to have an opinion or you congratulate her on anything. Yah right!
I NEVER thought I had daddy issues though til end of last December/this January because I’ve always had amazing friends, ridiculous luck with life, a steady stream of interested men and rock solid morals/standards. But mid-conversation with a friend, it hit me like a ton of bricks: the non-existent relationship I have with my father has affected my relationship with men and most importantly, MYSELF. A little trip through memory lane revealed serious flaws in what I thought was a pretty decent rise to self-actualization. Thankfully, the self-awareness I developed in 1st grade (being an immigrant speeds this process, trust me) kicked in and I went into “gotta-fix-this-sh*t” mode.
But my goodness, everyday is a struggle. Props to you Jackie. It’s not easy undoing what parents do to their children but at least everyday is another chance to get it right and move forward.
A very necessary post, bruh.
Daddy issues don’t get their just due, especially with regards to women. A lot of men blame women for their “crazy baby mama drama” but never dig a bit deeper to analyze how that “crazy” originated. If less men ditched their responsibilities in raising their children, we’d have less crazy entering relationships.
Daddy issues are laid out here:
Dear Deadbeat Dads: I Believe You Can Change
@ Lulu…”But my goodness, everyday is a struggle. Props to you Jackie. It’s not easy undoing what parents do to their children but at least everyday is another chance to get it right and move forward.”
I totally agree, everyday is definitely a struggle. For some time, I shared the same emotions as some of the women above but thought I was alone. I had both experiences, having an absent biological dad and then later horrible stepdad [ I was sexually, physically and verbally abused...I reported him against my mother wishes]. After having a poor excuse for a step father, that made me search for my biological dad more. I am about to turn 24 now and last year, after many years of searching I met my biological dad. It was something that I never thought would actually happen bc it was like I was trying to find bigfoot at times. I thought once I finally met him, he could answer one question that I had. What was so wrong with that you didn’t want me? I actually asked him that and his response was that, “he never knew his father so he didnt know how to be there”. But our relationship has not improved and we have not gotten any closer. Though disappointed, I realized I needed some help…so to counseling and to church I go. I hopefully, I will be married and I dont want to take all of my issues into hopefully a healthy relationship. I def appreciate the post…keep them coming!
Ok so my friend put me on to this sight…Thumbs up, and so I have finally decided to comment…
This article does ring true, and I happen to be a person who was in a bad relationship with my ex-father (yes i said ex-father). However, I can say that I have hella father figures which have played a major role in my development. So, if there is no relationship with the birth father, the nex important thing is the relationship with the step-father, uncle, grandfather, etc. It is good to have some type of male dominating force in a girl/woman’s life who holds that “father” position in some way, shape, or form.
Also, as hard as this is for MANY I just forgave my father and moved the hell on!!! To hold on to the negativity is what some folk call baggage. That said baggage will carry on into any relationship with the opposite sex in the form of trust issues, drama, secrets, negativity, and break-ups. It is a vicious cycle. That cycle can either continue with us or end with us….and I so plan to end it.
AS a 25 year old who’s parents are still married, my dad is my best friend
It hurts my relationships because I judge everyman against my daddy. No one can ever be him…smdh
I don’t understand this RECENT trend. By recent, I mean that in the 60s, about 80% of AA kids were born in wedlock compared to the 80% born out of wedlock today. Yeah, some marriages failed. Others were rocky and sh!t. But I’m not talking about just marriage rates. I’m talking about daddies who are around to be called fathers to their kids. I strongly believe that a man can be a good father and a lousy husband so someone’s bad marriage tells me nothing about their parenting skills.
Black men today are absent from their kids’ lives in ways that they weren’t 50 years ago (one or two generations ago). Grand scheme of things, this timeframe is as short as yesterday. Something happened in *our* culture where men feel it is ok to walk away from *their* kids. WTH happened?
I have been reading vsb.com for a few months now and enjoying the conversations. Reading the article and skimming through some of the comments, the only thing that came to mind was my situation is no different from the next except that I am just racist towards certain type of men. My father is caribbean, met him at 13 years old, and seeing him run game on all the women including his for many years girlfriend/comforter as I like to call her. Cause she knew about me before the rest of his other women and mind u I am almost 30. He made me dislike not ALL men but men that was from his country. Sad but true. I had to literally write out a list of positive qualities I wanted in a man. Trust it helped, cause I got a good man. Also, with a year in therapy and JAH leading the way I got over him, his ways, started loving life (cause u do have to move on) and I do love him regardless. What more can you do? If you knowledge it, then do something about it. I did and Im super happy..i found my SNUGGLE BUTTON : )
P.S. ….and the traits you hate in your your childrens father, appear in your children…..
I’ll openly admit I have “daddy issues”. My dad has been in an out of my life since I was born. Right now he’s out of it and according to him he’s out for good. I’m naturally a very sensitive person, especially when it comes to my relationships with others so my rocky relationship with my dad did unfortunately negatively impact my relationships with others. But I’m working on it. The biggest problem is being able to trust men when the most important or should be most important man in your life treated you so badly and betrayed your trust so many times. It’s hard to believe a man can love me when my own father couldn’t. I’ve got to the point where I do believe it but it’s hard to allow myself to feel it, if that makes any sense.
The good thing is that we all have *issues* with our parents. It doesn’t matter if your parents are married or not. Parents oftentimes fail to connect with their children and that failure to connect leads to daddy (or mommy) issues.
So if you grew up (1) without a father in your home or (2) with a father that was physically in the home, but absent in all other respects (emotionally, mentally, spiritually, etc.) this fact, while very painful, doesn’t have to ruin your adult relationships.
No one situation (with or without a father) is better. Both have emotional baggage to deal with and overcome. It’s up to you to see your parents for the flawed human beings they are, learn from their mistakes and forgive them. In doing so you free yourself to love on your own terms.
Panama…
I have recently found this site and appreciate the reasoned dialogue about relationships. It’s very helpful and unlike some other blogs, it’s not all about jumpoffs, swallowing and running games on mad bitches. LOL But there is a flip to this one and it’s men and their mothers – dysfunctional relationships on one side where the mother is overprotective and overinvolved in her son’s life or the ones where the mother is absent, addicted, or neglectful in some way. There is a whole host of mess in that space, too, although it appears that men in that situation are loath to criticize their mothers, it definitely impacts their relationships.
Thanks for the time!
Sure am glad you brought up this topic. Thanks Panama Jackson luv VSB (im a lurcher..hehe) I am from a 2 parent home and I too have Daddy Issues. I read the comments trying to debate whether or not I should share my story because i recognize that it is dysfunctional on sooo many levels. For the longest I thought that maybe i was the only one or i was being too dramatic ( i can be at times). I wish i was in this case but I’m not. I have a large family and i have the pleasure of being the youngest (which just means they stopped at me) My father was the provider to the best of his ability he made sure we had a roof over our heads , food on the table , clothes on our backs and stayed in line. My mom made sure that he was satisfied and that we were ok (in that order) I never had a relationship with my father although we have lived under the same roof my entire childhood and briefly as an adult. He was strict, he had a temper, and i grew up thinking that he ultimately hated me. Old southern values ‘spare the rod spoil the child’. I lived in fear always trying to please him but always falling short. He never talked to me but talked AT me n never with anything supportive or encouraging just constant negative criticism.When he went on trips i used to wish he never came back. Let him be late coming home from work and I was crossing my fingers and my toes hoping that it was the day he didnt come back. No father daughter time, no movie nite, no hugs, no kisses. Can u imagine what that does to a little girl, i was convinced that i must not be worth it. I used to ask my mom y she stayed with him, she always said i should be lucky to have my father in my life unlike alot of my friends. But i never thought it would make a difference, my friends looked like they was doing fine without one. We started to hear stories of another family, kids, a house ( we was renting). I used to wonder why he didnt want to be with us, why he wasnt taking us out, why he would rather spend his days with them and come home to us at nite like he always did. By my teenage years my father had hurt my feelings so bad that I became numb. My concept of love was distorted, I had to keep my head in books trying to find normal. I put a wall up as a defense mechanism. I needed to protect myself from him because i was convinced that he did not care about me so i couldnt allow myself to care about him. I thought that if my own father didnt see value in me, how much could i be worth to anyone else? ..smh..We never talked about it n it took a while for me to realize my own worth..(work in progress) I distanced myself emotionally to protect my sanity, but once u do that you start to wonder how far to go before u cant find ya way back. I kept to myself alot because i knew i had to build up what was systematically being torn down. I was constantly searching to understand why..My interactions with guys that r attracted to me seem forced at times because im always trying to figure out what they’re thinking about me, if they’re being sincere, n how much of it is really just BS..With guys that i am attracted to it seems like the less attention they give me the more i take it as a personal challenge to win that attention back.. forgetting that they should be the ones trying to impress me. The one semi serious relationship i had left me devasted, n took a while for me to bounce back because i do not do rejection too well..But i crave male attention , I love hanging with the fellas, i have more guy friends than female friends. As friends we’re great, sexually even better but in a relationship ..not so much. I can never seem to make a strong enough connection it usually fades for me. Im single, but not because i have a hard time finding guys but because i have a hard time accepting love. It feels awkward and makes me uncomfortable because im not used to it so i end up pushing it away. You might even say that Im emotionally unavailable. My father showed me the importance of playing my position and not paying attention to what everyone else says or anything else he does as long as he comes home to me..bwahwahwah complete BS ..That is y I am very independant i handle my business and dont expect anyone else to do it for me. The guys i get r usually emotionally unavailable or too clingy. So sometimes I settle for the side, or buddy, or whateva doesnt require me to go too deep. . I make the rules but I still find myself giving alot of control to the men in my life, then resenting them for it and taking the control back but allowing them to stay in my life on my terms at a close distance..smh..im drama free as long as ur at a close distance..I have been known to avoid men because i was terrified & tired from the emotional rollercoaster. For me a relationship is hard work, and i require alot of patience & consistency. I can admit that i dont always know exactly what im doing ..lol..for me sometimes i try so hard to hold on when its best for me to let go and let go when its best for me to hold on..yep bass ackwards but im working on it. I dont think we should completely blame our fathers, or every man we’ve been with either but i do think we should acknowledge the fact that our fathers set the foundation, (standard for the men in our lives), but its ultimately up to us as an individual to find the resources that we need to reinforce that foundation (understanding ,forgiveness, learning to give love & accept love) so we can build something solid.
I agree completely…
” its ultimately up to us as an individual to find the resources that we need to reinforce that foundation (understanding ,forgiveness, learning to give love & accept love) so we can build something solid.”
You nailed it
I do have “daddy issues” but not in the similar vain that some of the others have posted. I too had a father growing up, I had the two-family, middle class household and am the youngest of 3. My issue is I felt like both me and my father distance ourselves emotionally by the time I was 19. I know he loves me and I love him but… idk, there is something strange about my dad and myself- I see a lot of his traits and characteristics in me, which is scary because growing up he was verbally and sometimes physically abusive to my mother- my mom isn’t perfect by any means but noone deserves to be treated like shit and hit. By seeing this with my own little two eyes, I saw that men like to dominate and control by any means necessary- I’ve dated and attracted two men who were almost identical to my father but I left them alone once I realized this but I’m afraid to marry someone like my dad- fear is holding me back from being in a committed, loving relationship because I feel like men, have ulterior motives and women get set up just to be dropped on our asses. I’m working on this in therapy because I NEED the right person to come into my life- it may not happen right away but what is life without intimacy and human connection?
Which brings me to my conundrum:
What happens when your mother says to you, a young black woman “you are just like your father” the man who abused her for years? When your main female role model ( mother) is totally wrapped up in victimization and refuses to see her part in the whole disintegration of a 30 year marriage
( she will not see that she chose to stay with the man through his drug abuse, other women, verbal/physical abuse) and I believe you teach people how to treat you. I love my mom but sometimes she is very self-centered, neurotic and acts like she is the only one in the world who hurts. She blames my father for EVERYTHING! It is not humanly possible to blame one person for your misery, trust me I have tried it (especially with the last dude I was seeing and it’s complete bullshit to make somebody else responsible for your own happiness).
To be honest, I have a love/hate relationship with my Dad. It is a very estranged, complex relationship indeed. I just don’t think he really knows how to love anybody let alone himself and this thinking has completely influenced all his actions/life-decisions. The irony of it all is, I totally can say the same thing about me. I’m scare I will end up like him, broke and broken and in a horrible relationship with a person who’s emotionally manipulative and completely dependent on them financially.
I believe I am a loner ( somewhat of a commitment phobe), committed self-sabotage, in some relationships, a little immature and don’t view marriage in the best light. Not all of it has to do with my father, but I wouldn’t be honest if I said the relationship ( or lack of close connection) didn’t affect me.
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