considering the world-renowned verysmartness of panama jackson and the champ, it shouldn’t surprise you all to hear that celebrities occasionally seek us out for advice.
in fact, just last week we received an email from a “barry o” at blackisthenewpresidentbitch@whitehouse.gov, asking us if he should put red or purple kool-aid on the menu at the next state dinner
***our reply? purple. it has a softer taste. and, if you add lemons, it almost tastes like south african wine***
still, i have to admit i was quite shocked yesterday when a letter from a twoods@gmail.com popped up in our inbox. and, although it usually isn’t our custom to publicly share what people send us, i’m going to print this today because i need you all to help me figure out how to reply:
dear very smart brothas,
you know, guys, my favorite book of all-time is ‘the great gatsby’. if you’re not familiar with it, it’s about a guy named jay gatsby who spends his entire adult life trying to convince himself and everyone around him that he isn’t who he really is. he knew he was living a lie, but he believed that the lie would eventually become true if he believed it hard enough.
i read that book when i was 12, and gatsby made such an impression on me that i tried to emulate him. you see, i had a few pretty ambitious goals, but before i’d be able to achieve them, there was a certain part of me i needed to erase. and, i hoped that it would eventually disappear if i tried hard enough to pretend it never even existed.
as i grew older, i began to do more and more things to further this process.
i’d recall black dick jokes in front of crowds of white men, which was my way of saying “hey, no need to be scared of me. i tell jokes about black penises and play golf just like the rest of you. i’m just like one of you guys”.
i invented a word (cablinasian) to describe my not really that unique ethnic background
(although, guys, i have to admit, all of the video hoes and urban models of the world need to send me royalty checks for that one. where else do you think they all got the idea to list themselves as “1/8th cherokee, 1/3rd irish, and 3/16th martian” in their bios, despite the fact that all of those broads are blacker than the back of oprahs knees? me, bitches)
sh*t, i even scoured the earth to find and marry the whitest woman on the planet. seriously, i don’t think you all realize how white elin is. she’s a freakin viking, for chrissakes. f*cking her was like sticking my d*ck in a jar of white-out sitting in the snow.
before november 27th, 2009, this process seemed to be working like a charm. i became the richest athlete in the history of the world, a fortune largely amassed through endorsements that my (seemingly) successful attempts to rid any evidence of that undesirable quality helped me to procure.
but, as i’m sure you both know, things changed a bit after november 27th. still, even though i lost my wife, as well as my clean image and numerous fans and sponsors, i still held a bit of that same gatsby hope that if i wished hard enough, things could go back to the way they were.
this misguided hope crashed and burned monday morning, when i turned on good morning america and saw a picture of the cover for february’s vanity fair. the realization hit me like a ton of bricks: from now on they’ll always see me as a BLACK MAN, and there’s nothing i can do about it.
***btw, i’m still pissed at those vanity fair bastards. of all the pictures they took, they had to choose the one that made me look like a paper-bag test passing DMX???
seriously, look!!!
once you take away the blood, theres no real difference!!! no real difference!!! how the f*ck am i supposed to get the accenture account back now??***
anyway, i’m writing to you because i don’t know where to go from here, and i figured that the very smart brothas would be the best people to ask. i have no choice but to embrace this “being a brotha” thing now, but where and how do i start?
sincerely, tiger(wait….”tiger” is the old me. f*ck that. tiger is dead.)
sincerely, el-dubbs
anyway, people of vsb.com, i need your help. i have no idea how i should respond to tiger, errr, el-dubbs. what do you think i should say?
—the champ
Related posts:
{ 138 comments… read them below or add one }
hehe @ “blackisthenewpresidentbitch”
LOL @ the photoshopped image of “el-dubbs” head on champikins body with that played out shirt (seriously, 97.3% of the time i see champikins, he’s in a damn faded, stretched out vsb shirt).
LMAO @ this whole letter. wow, man, when you told me about this over those extra-dry cajum wings tonite, i wasnt sure what to expect. but this is good.
tigerel-dubbs def THOUGHT he could convince himself he won’t a negro no mo. and y-t def started to believe all the nonsense el-dubbs was kickin their way. they let the 2520 wife slide, afterall, he’s a good colored guy, doesn’t cause any trouble like those ghetto “nappy headed hoes” williams sisters. and then el-dubbs does the unthinkable — screws around on his 2520 wife!! with other 2520 broads!!! i think his indiscretion might have gone under the rug had he boned some colorful chicks. but nooooo, tig…el-dubbs had to go and taint more snow bunny tails. *smh* of all that assimilating el-dubbs didnt even think to not cross the man. has history taught this man nothing?! oh well. his fault for buying his own lies *kanye shrug*.my suggested reply to el-dubbs:
“better luck next time.”
@The One & True GEM… of the Ocean,
(seriously, 97.3% of the time i see champikins, he’s in a damn faded, stretched out vsb shirt).
that’s totally off-base. it cant be more than 92 percent
@The One & True GEM… of the Ocean, you know, had it been all colorful women, i’m really curious as to what kind of media response would have come forward. i literally spent 4 hours thinking about that the other day. it would have brought a whole new element into the convo of “tiger married the white chick for appearances, but he loves him some dark meat…” which might have made him even more of a fraud.
or something. cuba libre.
p.s. what happened to the podcast? dont make me throw tomatoes at you, champikins.
@The One & True GEM… of the Ocean,
good question
@The One & True GEM… of the Ocean, what’s a podcast?
The great American poet Oshea Jackson said,
“You out in the cold
No more white fans and no more soul
And you might have a heart attack
When you find out the black folks don’t want you back”
I’m no all-emcompassing negro spokesperson, but it’s a little too late for any sympathy if you ask me. I mean, I don’t think even the likes of Al Sharpton and Jesse would want to take time out to really embrace this dude.
My advice – holla at Superhead. Or just return to the golf course with a vengeance. Like Kobe and others, people won’t forget what all transpired (completely), but the American public WILL forgive you if you can still prove why you’re marketable.
@Monk,
love a government name reference. a formidable wordsmith indeed. yay- yayeeee!!!
@Monk, “Like Kobe and others, people won’t forget what all transpired (completely), but the American public WILL forgive you if you can still prove why you’re marketable”
I agree. So many other athletes have come back after much worse and he just has to come back strong on the golf course. People love winners and they’ll move on. He won’t recreate his perfect image, but he can still come back…
@Monk,
I’m no all-emcompassing negro spokesperson, but it’s a little too late for any sympathy if you ask me
thing is, if we’ve embraced child pornographers (the r-uh), and murderers (ray lewis), i dont see why tiger is unembraceable
@The Champ,
The thing is, neither the murderer nor the ped turned their backs on being black. They were with the black community before, then when they did their dirt, black folks were ok with taking them back b/c they denied being black.
I haven’t taken either of them back, but that’s just me.
@The Champ, at the risk of getting e-stoned, another
pedophilethat was embraced by us was Michael Jackson.@Monk,
“The great American poet Oshea Jackson said,
“You out in the cold
No more white fans and no more soul
And you might have a heart attack
When you find out the black folks don’t want you back””
*snapsnapandatwirl* for this. And what.
@Monk, you know, as much as we think he turned his back on his Blackness, MOST of us were right there watching him whip ass b/c we view him as Black. its a weird thing. we claim him but don’t accept him at the same time?
it would be kind of assholish of us not to embrace him. we want his glory but refuse to be there for him once his back’s up against the wall? i mean all he did was cheat on his wife with 100 white women. sounds like a standard athlete resume to me.
@Panama Jackson, are we not accepting him or is he not accepting us?… HUGE difference.
I still think it’s cool that there are people who know the VSBs in real life. The closest I’ve come to that kind of hob-knobbery is the time I was standing behind a girl in line for a concert when she sneezed, hitting me in the eye the second she jerked her head back, and when i recovered, i kind of think i saw Trey Songz–or one of the light technicians– going in the back entrance of the club for a concert…it’s an almost-awesome celebrity story.
My advice to Eldrick would be to telephone Shaquille O’Neal, simply asking him how he does it. I think mistress number 7,604 has come forward today with allegations against Shaq, and I doubt that will make it anywhere past the bossip homepage. So, it can be done, my friend. It can be done.
@Penelope,
My advice to Eldrick would be to telephone Shaquille O’Neal, simply asking him how he does it
shaq does it by messing around with professional black chicks. this is smart for two reasons: one, since they’re sistas (and he’s shaq) they probably won’t be making tmz anytime soon, and two, since they’re professional, they won’t be running to bossip and sh*t because they have just as much to lose if the news comes out as shaq does. its a win-win
@The Champ, that would be a win-win except, like was stated, one of them chicks is coming forward ON TMZ about her trysts and problems with shaq harassing her and stuff.
@Penelope,
“I think mistress number 7,604 has come forward today with allegations against Shaq, and I doubt that will make it anywhere past the bossip homepage. ”
If he can survive Kazaam, he can survive anything.
@Cheekie, I just sanitized my lap top and you gon make me spit out this delicious 1/2 hot chocolate, 1/2 espresso concoction I made.
@Intellectual Hedonist, um, what were u doing with your laptop that it needs to sanitized?…ewww
@Yeah…SO?!, you need not worry about that….
on the real though, I just got back to the states and it is cold and flu season and I work with students I needed to sanitize it along with everything in this office. I dont want not H1N1 or anything else communicable
@Intellectual Hedonist, LOL- I’m sorry my fifth grade sense of humor often gets the best of me… stay healthy
@Intellectual Hedonist,
Wait a minute, that sounds delicious*.
*I meant the hot chocolate expresso…not the spitten out hot mess, by the way. Anyhow, I gotta try that…
@Cheekie, it is yummy!
@Penelope, I still think it’s cool that there are people who know the VSBs in real life.
they will never know me. i still don’t know myself. hug me.
First off, give Tiger Woods about two months, some time on the couch with a Psych doctor, a box of used kleenex, and a jar of tears for his wifey to see, he’ll be half way back. Throw in a couple of wins in a few tournaments(Majors) and he’ll be three quarters of the way back. Once he starts getting the accolades from the 2520′s and the mass media it’ll be like this never happened. By this time the people he mostly denies will be following suite(us), and everything will be as right as rain, just like the Oracle told Neo in the Matrix.
By this time all of his followers will be back in check cheering for him to win,but not me, he lost me at cablinasian. If El Dubbs is reading this I bet you know you’re BLACK now. So wherever you’re hiding out at you might want download some Slum village, Mos Def,
Talib kweli and learn more about your 1/3 or 1/2 or whatever you are! Oh I almost forgot YO YO MA might be necessary for you too!
@Just X, now you know duke strictly bumps Now That’s What I Call Music! compilations.
@Stuff Ghetto People Like, Thanks alot! Very few people know good music these days. I almost forgot jasmine sullivan. He should have listened to her prior to Thanksgiving weekend.DAMN!
@Just X, i’d put money on the fact that Tiger listens to M.O.P. before every tournament. especially on Sundays.
Tiger should go on Oprah and then come back strong on the golf course and the public will move on.
@Leila,
true. going on oprah will turn somebody’s reputation around. because i’ll be d*mned if mike tyson isn’t my homeboy now.
@charli skipper,
AMEN to that! I saw him in a totally different light now. Iron Mike is my mans-n-dem!!
@charli skipper,
apparently, you must not like your ears very much
@The Champ,
lol.
And here I thought that joke would be old, but the way you just put it? Cracked me UP.
@Leila, oprah really is the great equalizer. if you f*ck up, but get to oprah and cry a little. you can win over the most important demo out there…old white women.
and old white women used to be young white women…who tiger was boning.
@Panama Jackson, lol!
If T-dizzle wants to gain respect in the black community, he needs to find himself a Tamika Fraser-esque girl and publicly denounce his ex-wife as the prize he got with his Swedish Bank account.
…or is that too mean?
Ok, so that wasn’t even funny. Darn.
@chaoticdiva,
Nice try
@Humble_One,
Thanks. Apparently my humor is hit or miss. We’ll call this one a miss.
@chaoticdiva, we dont even have to call it a miss. it was obvious.
@chaoticdiva,
yeah, it was a good effort and sh*t. you can’t hit every pitch
@chaoticdiva, while denouncing his wife is probalby the worst PR move he could possibly make…what would happen if he started running around dating chicks like Lola Luv or better yet, like Esther Baxter or one of Russell’s nieces?
can you imagine the press he’d get? in fact, if i was his PR guy, i’d set him up with Tahiry.
Since I heard that he is hiding out in South Africa from the reliable source that is TMZ *side eye*, my advice to him would be:
get the hell up outta there, cuz don’t nobody want you there!
Actually it would make sense for him to go to SA, they have a large white African population. I wanna see el-dubb in Congo or Somalia or Nigeria or something. haha he wouldn’t survive
@Naomi,
I wanna see el-dubb in Congo or Somalia or Nigeria or something. haha he wouldn’t survive
i’d definitely watch a reality show about tiger moving from country to country in africa and getting in different adventures and sh*t
@The Champ, that would make great reality TV.
@Naomi, He really ain’t gotta go that far. I’d wanna see Tiger in Detroit. I love all my people from there…but DAMN.
@HabitualLineCrossa, i think you all are on to something here. like Champ said, imagine Tiger woods going to black places across America trying to find his Blackness.
we’d see Tiger in Compton hanging with gangbangers and trying to get jumped into a gang. Tiger in Houston learning how to chop and screw music. Tiger in Detroit trying to undo Kwame’s mess.
there is mucho potential here. it’d be bigger than Flavor of Love.
@Panama Jackson
he can go to Compton or Detroit, cuz we don’t want him here in Houston either.
…i’d watch the show though.
hook ‘em horns!
@Naomi,
<3 how tmz is now an official primary source. I need CNN not to go around quoting tmz and to go out and do their own "investigative reporting" if they are going to have gossip as front page/prime time news.
@Naomi, he should go to Israel like Bobby and Whitney and get some spiritual healing.
My advice to T-Weezy is to divorce Elin asap, Try to marry and (or) hook up with a high profile black woman. Go on Oprah and do an interview. Go on Wendy Williams, hell, go on Tavis. Do the Steve Harvey radio show, and Tom Joyner. Get yourself in a Weezy video or some other high profile rapper. Stop with the Caublanasian bullcrap do a press conference where you announce that you are officially black. Start hanging out with Al Sharpton and make Jesse Jackson your spiritual advisor. Oh, and start going by T-Weezy and that should begin to ingratiate you back into everyones good graces. Good Luck.
@QueenT,
Try to marry and (or) hook up with a high profile black woman
who though? what high profile black chick do you think would be a good match for him?
@The Champ,
Condoleeza Rice
or that black chick of the Apprentice
@The Champ, Definitely not Condoweezie, black people already take issue with her behind. I am thinking, someone who can increase his street cred in the black community like Hally Berry or Tyra Banks….I know I may be reaching but he needs someone who is equal or surpasses him in celebrity status…it can all be for PR but he needs to be photo’d out and about with an extremely attractive and wealthy black woman.
@QueenT, short of michelle obama, nobody is surpassing him in celeb status. he’s the most famous athlete in the WORLD.
so he’d need to date a martian.
Dear Tigger, rhymes with… you know….
Please, for the love of Peter Griffin, do not do an OJ, and continue to
try tocavort with the people who would rather see you serving tea at Augusta than to outhit their pretty, re-designed with you in mind golf course.My advice? Take it the other way. Get a torso/chest tatt that says ‘Putt Life’. When you come back to the PGA, wear only
hoodies jerseys throwback jerseys button-ups skinny jeans ed hardy shirtsall black. Monk is right, get at Superhead. Get signed to Young Money or a BET reality show to build up your, um, street cred. When you and your caddy celebrate a good shot, or a win, give him a pound, or some dap, mainly because that awkward hi-five wasn’t working anyway. Wear locs on the course. Buy some platinum plated golf balls. Travel with a posse. When you do win the Masters again, order a 2 pc-meal from Popeye’s for the dinner thing. Fact is, you besmirchedScandinavianwhite womanhood; there is no greater sin in the eyes of 2520s. Besides that, you’ve made more money than your great-grandkids could run through.My advice, el-dubbs? Fire up the BL in cablinasian.
Your pal,
Max
@Maximillian,
iLAUGHED! he should also make cameos on frankie and neffe….and fantasia’s show, i don’t know what the hell it’s called
noooooo.. putt life?
*dead*
@Maximillian,
he definitely could use a posse. if i were him, i’d just hire the entire wu-tang to be my entourage.
@The Champ, you starting him off too hard Champ. You gotta break him in slowly…he could start off with Diddy, Kanye, and ESP Fonzworth Bentley.
@Maximillian,
On a slightly serious side note:
“Fact is, you besmirched Scandinavian white womanhood; there is no greater sin in the eyes of 2520s.”
This is the damn truth right here
@Maximillian,
I’m with you Max. There isn’t any turning back for him, the 2520s will never embrace him again. It was tenuous to begin with, they let him slide because he “could hit dat ball.” Now they feel like he spit on their “generosity” and they will never ever accept him again. He’ll be lucky if he is even allowed back on the green.
Come to the dark side, Tiger.
tnt_FTW
@Maximillian, i guess you dont want him to get any of those sponsors back, huh?
i do think he should pursue the All Black Everything mantra. play golf in black. and wear his had backwards, weather permitting.
@Panama Jackson,
He won’t. Kobe didn’t either (when’s the last time you seen him in a McDonald’s or Nutella commercial?) but he’s doing okay.
Any endorsements he keeps through this will stay with him. but Accenture? Gillette? Gatorade? Nah.
@Maximillian, y’all act like his Nike contract aint shiznit. so long as Nike dont drop him, Tiger’s offspring for at least 3 generations will be paid
This entire post… *catching breath*
Once I stop crying laughing over here, I’ll be back to leave a real comment…..
You know what, Tiger’s old Affion Crockett lookin’ *ss can do him. If it’s a jungle out there and he’s feevin’ for the white hoes, as long as he’s being himself, if he likes it, I love it. And he should use the Black part of his being to go upside Brit Hume’s head for tryna proselytize to him.
@Stuff Ghetto People Like,
do you use water or some other liquid to wet your blankets?
@Stuff Ghetto People Like,
I forgot about that Brit Hume nonsense. Tigger should become Muslim, choke Brit with a bean pie then change his name to تايجر وودز
@Maximillian,
I can see him now…bow tie and all…Tiger X.
that tiger is one ugly bastard. this creepy vanity fair cover shivers me timbers.
@charli skipper,
you know, i’ve actually heard a few sistas say that it was the first time tiger’s ever been attractive to them.
**channeling larry david** pretty interesting
@The Champ,
You lie!!!
@The Champ, yeah, he was looking kinda good on that cover. I can’t lie. Maybe, that’s the ticket. He needs to re-vamp his look entirely. Get some edge…..
@QueenT,
he looked good on the cover?
i must be the only one throwing up the breakfast i didn’t eat at that concave chest.
his saving grace was the hat. seriously.
take it away and he’s just….
@QueenT,
You really think some edge would help him?
To me it’s like he’s playing dress up in Young Jeezy’s closet or something.
IDK–can’t take him seriously being hard.
@QueenT,
I think him trying to get some edge would be worse. It would be trying too hard. It’s kinda like when Carlton dressed up all hood-like and ended up runnin’ all Will’s friends. I mean, it was cute while it lasted, but Aunt Viv shut that down real quick. My point? We’d be the Aunt Viv to Tiger’s Carlton. Most folks out there wouldn’t believe a minute of his “edge”.
@The Champ,
“you know, i’ve actually heard a few sistas say that it was the first time tiger’s ever been attractive to them. ”
That is the exact opposite of the truth!
@The Champ, interesting, i thought he looked extremely lame and…fake thugged out. like a cb4 ninja.
@Panama Jackson, I think the word your are looking for is PATHETIC
@charli skipper,
When I saw that picture it didn’t even surprise me. It actually reminded me of the Newsweek OJ cover where they intentionally darkened his complexion, or the Lebron James/Gisele Bündchen cover (ironically shot by the same photographer as the Tiger photo) that used the King Kong imagery reference. All to subliminally give the impression of the stereotype…the menacing black man.
Par-5
Well, Tiger…there’s always FUBU.
@AkShone,
*dying* @ “there’s always FUBU”.
@AkShone,
the Lebron James/Gisele Bündchen cover (ironically shot by the same photographer as the Tiger photo)
That’s the first thing I thought when I saw Tiger’s cover picture. But it’s Vanity Fair, it should be expected. *disinterested shrug*
@charli skipper,
They had El Dubb lookin like he was out on the yard. A skully, really?
I also find this highly suspect that this cover came out after all his problems.
I never read the Esquire interview…and it just makes me sad I didn’t know he was a ne’er -do -well.
Although I couldn’t care less about Tiger’s issues, the best advice seems to pull a Mike Vick and talk to Coach Dungy…or if he’s still trying to get in good with 2520s hit up Dr. Phil…
On second thought, he should see if a black mama will adopt him and beat some sense into him.
Great post, but I’m actually tired of hearing about this kid in 2010.
@Kayle,
On second thought, he should see if a black mama will adopt him and beat some sense into him.
actually, this could kill two birds with one stone. we keep hearing about how professional black women are single and childless, so, whats wrong with the older ones adopting tiger and the younger ones all marrying him?
@Kayle,
“…I couldn’t care less…”
Thank you, thank you, thank you!!! I hear so many people say “I could care less” which annoys the shit out of me because it means absolutely nothing. Saying I couldN’T care less indicates that you’ve reached the farthest possible extent away from caring whereby it is simply not possible to be more apathetic. If you COULD care less, so what…couldn’t we all?
@Caballeroso,
I second this.
What’s worse is people also write it. *shudder*
I’m so mad you stole my recipe for purple Kool-Aid and lemons( pinkys up)!
@Stustustudious,
well, at least be glad that i wont be stealing that pinky’s up sh*t
LMAO! I totally remember that Esquire article. Wasn’t there a similar SI article back in the day? Or maybe I imagined that.
3/16 Martian huh? *sniggling*
Niiice.I love the fact that Tiger uses g-mail. It shows that he’s a real man of the people.
Oh yeah, I don’t have any advice. As Flavor Flav so eloquently stated “I can’t do nothin’ for ya man.”
@miss t-lee,
LMAO! I totally remember that Esquire article. Wasn’t there a similar SI article back in the day? Or maybe I imagined that.
i dont think so. at least, there wasn’t one as descriptive. SI is definitely pg
As Michael Vick has shown us, if you keep your mouth shut, stay out of the lime-light, and do your job without embarrassing those who still believe in you, the criticism will fade. People will go back to their regularly scheduled lives and fah-gedda bout it. Afterall, how much about dog fighting have you heard since August?
@Caballeroso,
you know, he actually just won some courage award too.
but yeah, you’re right. when it comes to celebrities and scandals, we’re definitely on some jay-z and drake-ish “on to the next one” type sh*t
T-Wizzle, you are lucky Oprah is doing one more season. You better get on there and ‘pologize to these white people like you ain’t never ‘pologized before. You need to get back to the course and
dancegolf like you ain’t neverdancedgolfed before. Claim you are a sex addict and go into therapy like all these other celebrities. While in therapy you may or may not want to deal with your racial identity issues. Just a thought. Lastly, you are clearly TOO stupid to cheat so stay in your lane.@Rapture,
Claim you are a sex addict and go into therapy like all these other celebrities.
actually, i think he should go the other route and release a sex tape, but thats just me
@The Champ, allegedly, one is on the way, just waiting for proper verification.
btw, you know the world is in a strange place where sex tapes require verification before leaking. almost like its an “official” media release now.
@The Champ, yep, that is just you!
@ Panama, I ABSOLUTELY do NOT want this tape released but I probably will watch at least a snippet to see the hot mess that is Tiger Woods.
Awww… poor e-dubbs. lol. Well, if I was a very smart brotha, this is what I would say to Tiger.
Dear El Tigre,
Lay low, then get back on the golf course and show them why you were voted Athlete of the Decade. Seriously, who gon’ check you (on the golf course), boo? Black folks still won’t embrace you, but those of us who appreciate your golf game will still respect you as a golfer. All of this will eventually fade into the background, and if you hadn’t written this letter to the VSBs, I wouldn’t be thinking about you now. Seriously, you did what men do, and you got caught. Go sit down some where!! And don’t think going to Africa will somehow endear you to black Americans. You know these ninjas don’t know shyt about Africa…(j/k).
@N.I.A. naturally,
And don’t think going to Africa will somehow endear you to black Americans. You know these ninjas don’t know shyt about Africa…
lol, this is true
It’s kinda too late for Tiger to try to be down now. He’s out on a racial raft all by himself. But, I think I wouldn’t dismiss him as much if he admitted that he, as a child, did not come up with caublanasian. That was some shyt his daddy made up. Until he admits that shyt, I have nothing for Tiger.
@Ms. Smart,
i actually think the illuminati made up the caublanasian sh*t
@Ms. Smart, its never too late to get down. i mean, isnt that what the whole point of the Drop Squad is? to get folks to come back to the dark side who wouldnt otherwise do it? even past age 40?
its never too late. cuz you’ll always be Black.
@Panama Jackson, I’ont want Tiger back. His is self-imposed separation. He needs to stay on Cablanasia through good AND BAD times. As a matter of fact, I’m pretty sure he mailed his Negronian passport back to SistaToldja when he got back from his honeymoon. I’d rather have Elin than Tiger.
“***our reply? purple. it has a softer taste. and, if you add lemons, it almost tastes like south african wine***”
couldnt even get past that part without commenting — EFFING HILARIOUS
@Sadé,
have you ever had any south african wine?
If Tiger Tiger Woods (ya’ll!) has to apologize for anything, it’s them dayum hairy arse Yeti nipples. Why are his nipples each wearing a sweater?! Making Gap’s winter line jealous.
@Cheekie,
abominable snowman game proper.
@miss t-lee,
*giggle*
@Cheekie,
i…don’t…have…a…response
@The Champ,
lol
Is this a compliment or an insult towards my comment?
@Cheekie,
We’re going to take the very thought of a man’s hairy @ss nipples, put that sh*t in a titanium box, lock it, throw that b*tch in the ocean and mail the key to some far off country (I’m thinking Bangladesh) and never speak of this again…ok.
@Cheekie, OMFG
LMAO this post today is pure effing comedy I can’t even think of a response cause I can’t stop laughing
This sh*t right here was funny as HEEELLLLL! That is all.
Tell T-Weezy that he can’t come back. Dudes kill me wanting to be down at convenience. e.g. OJ. Also they have always looked at you as a Black man. Your herbivore @ss was just in denial.
@Humble_One, he can come back. he just needs to holler at the NOI.
hell, even MJ was hanging with the Fruits of Islam for a while.
@Panama Jackson,
You’re right. I forgot about that. I think FOI was MJ’s security until he died. Getting with the Nation may be his only saving grace to get back in. Either that or wife Angie Stone and move to either Compton, Detroit, Chicago, or Atlanta.
this is tight.
“f*cking her was like sticking my d*ck in a jar of white-out sitting in the snow.”
if i was drinking coffee i would have spit it all over my computer screen. *dead*
Tiger
Good to hear from you. After those pictures dropped I figured we might get an email from you. Dealing with snitching white broads on your own is one thing, but when the media starts making you look like the newest character on “Oz”, well it’s time to seek out a black wizard for the guide to Emerald City.
As the always blunt Paul Mooney has said recently, Tiger, you’ve received your “Nigga Wake-up Call.” You had that number blocked for a long time, but I guess nothing truly last forever. It’s impossible for you to run from what black folks have known since forever; one drop is still all it takes.
Look, being black isn’t all that bad. You get lots of room on the metro, you always get a shot to play in pick-up games, and women will automatically assume your penis looks like a python. It’s a good life in many ways.
Unfortunately, the trade-off is that you get harassed by the police, paid less at your jobs, and you’re much more likely to die before 65. Those are the breaks Eldrick.
I would suggest you learn from President Obama, and realize that embracing your blackness in a muted, yet obvious fashion is the best way to go. Black people are easy. We’ll always take you back no matter how bad you eff up, ask O.J. and Michael Jackson. All you have to do is drop a few code words for us every now and then, and you’ll be fine.
And don’t worry so much about your sponsors. Kobe was arrested for rape. Lebron was a teenage father. Shaq get so much cat his name should be the Big Catnip. The point it, anybody can have their image rebound in America, it just takes time, and strict fasting from sleeping with white women.
Yes, I know that last one will be terribly difficult for you, but that’s the sacrifice you have to make. Besides, you’ve had enough white cat in your 34 years on Earth to last you a lifetime. Now it’s time for a change, man. Sample some of the other vaginal flavors, particularly those of the chocolate variety. You’ll find that black women come in such a large color range that you can find one that makes you think you’re still with a white woman!
Oh yeah, don’t ever trust a white women with a camera or cell phone again. You only get so many second chances.
@Big Man, “The Big Catnip”… should be a T-shirt
@Big Man,
This right here…brilliant. I do appreciate the leg room on the DC metro. Sometimes I get the mean mug working extra hard so I can have my stuff sit next to me.
@Stank-0, your “stuff” needs its own seat? Dayum!
@Big Man, This is the best and most hilarious response I have read yet. KUDOS…
but this right here “As the always blunt Paul Mooney has said recently, Tiger, you’ve received your “Nigga Wake-up Call.” You had that number blocked for a long time, but I guess nothing truly last forever. It’s impossible for you to run from what black folks have known since forever; one drop is still all it takes.” That is the DAYUM truth, I once had a professor who was one of the VP’s of my undergrad institution: a former naval officer with 2 master’s degrees (one from the Naval Academy) and a PhD in Economics from Harvard and a black belt in Judo. In a class on race that he taught he told us that “in general it is irrelevant how many degrees he has, or what title he has, or even that he is the 3d in charge at the state’s largest institution, when you get pulled over by the police all they see is Black, even if you only have 1/16th of a drop. So it’s pointless to try and run from it, because eventually (in his case almost daily) someone will remind you of your blackness” (paraphrase)
This is Tiger’s reminder
@The Champ,
OMG……..LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL
Cant..even…speak..right….now….
To be honest, I don’t think Tiger really gives a damn. He is some where smoking a blunt (well maybe not a blunt rather using a bong) while showing his third eye how to tickle an esophagus. Please. Tiger doesn’t care about this because at the end of the day the public WILL forgive him. They can’t live with out shucking and jiving for too long! I personally think he needs to carry on with his life and continue to dominate his sport. The snow bunny is not going anywhere…they never do…
However, I am preparing myself for the many bad publicity tactic that will be employed in order to win the Black crowd back to his side. I can see it now… he will be a guest on Monique and have a reality show. ::throws up::
Can someone remind me why we even care about this man or his situation? Lord knows I am still struggling whether Tiger is black with orange strips or orange with black strips… whatever.
@Buxxy, “to win the Black crowd back to his side”… I didn’t realize we went anywhere. All the black people I know didn’t sway to-or-fro after Bunnygate… I’m pretty sure he ain’t(and won’t be) losing any sleep on whether the ninjas got his back or not.
@Yeah…SO?!,
Oh I agree. He wont lose any sleep but the people working for him will, and that’s when the antics will start. Like I said, Tiger doesn’t give a damn.
I can see how he got himself into this mess and as a woman I completely sympathize with him more than her. It sounds kind of messed up but I do. My parents raised us in a predominantly white affluent neighborhood because they wanted us to see what we could have and be. They will flat out say that they took us away from our heritage on purpose, to get away from the typical hispanic mentality. I would say damn because that`s some crazy shit right there and then tell him move on. Simple as that pick up the pieces and move on. Also stop denying who you are. If you like dark meat go get you some dark meat fuck everyone else.
love this blog by the way
*channeling Negrodamus* Tige will fade away into obscurity for 2 years, grow out his hair to look like a multicultural Jesus and marry a plain looking, light brown, deaf/mute asian chick.He will then be Oprah’s last interview and profess his new, improved and “organic” lifestyle selling grass seeds, hemp tshirts and incense on Venice Beach.
Tiger Woods is not Black…I hate when people do that…why cant someone who is mixed define themselves for themselves…neither one of his parents even “look” black…black people always want to claim everyone. He’s mixed. Leave him be.
@buboniccalypso,
And how exactly do black people look?
And have you actually seen a picture of Earl Woods? That ninja could be one of my uncles. May he rest in peace.
Tiger can deny his blackness all he wants, but he found out that when the chips are down, that’s how white folks are going to see him no matter what. He can keep living the dream though.
@buboniccalypso,
Yeah … um … this comment is totally ignorant. And not in the Paul Mooney, Lewis Black, George Carlson … Eddie Murphy (“Bush b*tch with an afro”) sort of way either. In the what the hell are you talking about, you sound like an idiot sort of way. “Neither of his parents even look black” you say. So if El Debarge had a baby with Jurnee Smollet, I guess neither of it’s parents would “look black” either. And therefore, that baby wouldn’t be “black.”
@T.A.N. Man,
George Carlin son.
Don’t make me have to regulate on you.
@buboniccalypso,
Yes I said LOOK….he “looks” like how he describes himself…and all you f*ckers want to redefine him into something very narrow…you want to discount all of his over ethnicities because you want him to be “black”….what does that say about you. As someone who IS mixed it really pisses me off when others what to put limitations on my identity. THATS IGNORANT. You dont have to like my comment. I care not. Chances are just as likely that I don’t fancy your way of thinking or your comment either.
Cheers!
@buboniccalypso,
You got real mad ’cause you got exposed as stupid.
I mean, I understand you have so many issues with folks trying to define you, and you projected that on to Tiger Woods and assumed that we all wanted Tiger to be black.
Sorry, you’re wrong. I could give a flying f*ck how Tiger defines himself. I believe that’s his right. What I had a problem with was your asinine comment which made the remark that you can only look a certain way and still be black.
As someone who grew up in New Orleans, I’m very aware of the fact that black folks come in all colors, with all facial features and all hair textures. There are no limits to how black people can look.
So, you comment was stupid, and yes I have a problem with stupidity because it’s typically the stupid people who reproduce the most.