Aside: I’m watching the Youth Ball on MTV right now in my city. SOMEBODY please get Kanye some clippers and a haircut. Please. He seems to be growing a shag. He doesn’t seem to know it. Thank you.
President Barack Obama. It’s official.
We major? Come on homie, we major.
And that’s all I’ll say about that.
Back to work.
How many of you have moved from one city to another at some point, by yourself? How many of you have moved to a city where you pretty much didn’t know anybody and had to – gulp – make friends? And to complete the murder, how many of you AREN’T Greek and ARE guys?
Mmhmm.
The older you get, social networking becomes a part of your life, almost as important as not making eye contact with a crackhead or not getting your junk caught in a door while doing naked cartwheels.
Don’t ask.
No really, don’t ask.
But social networking can be completely awkward, especially if you’re not a gregarious person who’s okay with going out by yourself. Which brings up a most awkward of awkward of situations – men trying to make new male friends.
I see a few of you harumphing out there, but think about it. In this day and age of uber-pride and blatant homophobia and misguided paranoia (though all Black men are entitled to some paranoia), it’s extremely hard to make new male friends randomly. Which sucks if you move to a new city. Look, meeting women isn’t a problem for most guys, even the shyest of guys can meet a chick at work or at a work function pretty easily. But truthfully, all men need male bonding. We need to be around other guys so that we can lie to eachother about our exploits and talk sh*t about things we’ll never do. Or also to go on (wo)manhunts to sow our royal oats.
Have you ever seen a guy trying to make new male friends? There’s always a very funny conversation that occurs because, well, it is actually just damn funny because you get to witness grown ass men at their most vulnerable and awkward moment.
Scene: Random book club where for some reason, only two males were invited. End of book club where the two dudes have been the hit of the meeting b/c they’re both a**holes and comics at the same time – which both recognize
Guy A: Man, you’re funny as hell.
Guy B: You too…you slayed me. Pause.
A: Word. We should hang sometime.
B: Yeah. We should.
5 minutes of more random talk occurs.
A: Um, okay. I’ll holler.
B: Yeah, son. See you around. You coming to another one of these?
A: I hope so.
B: Okay, see you then.
Now, they both clearly want to hang but you know what’s REALLY difficult?
Abstract Algebra, that’s what.
But almost as hard is asking a grown ass man for his number. Seriously. It aint like meeting in college where friendships just happen. Basically these two cats recognized that they could be friends, but male pride got in the way. Fathers never teach their songs how to make male friends (read ask a grown man for his phone number after meeting once). We just make friends over time. They never teach us about moving to a new place and having to find new hombres.
Women seem to be able to do this easier because girls can exchange numbers and gush and all that stuff that makes men look vulnerable. Now, the women might chuck eachother after a few days for whatever reason, but they can make friends – assuming they’re at the right place to meet likeminded people. Granted, the same anxiety probably exists for women, but its amplified sevenfold for men.
Sad, I know. And it is for that reason that I wanted to bring this plight to the masses. Men need help. So in the spirit of Obama and making a difference in the world, let’s help the brothas out. How should grown ass men make new friends? Do women have these same problems? And if so, how does one overcome such obstacles?
Heal the world.
-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P
BTW, I’m currently “twittering” (whatever that means) with the rest of the world. Add me, I need validation. LOL. Joking. www.twitter.com/panamajackson
Related posts:
{ 205 comments… read them below or add one }
Just wanted to say…although I do it myself, “Twittering” sounds pretty darn gay. We need to come up with a better adjective, please.
@Ambra,
long time no type and sh*t.
and yeah, along with its latent homosexuality, “twittering” is too difficult to say. it makes my tongue sad.
@The Champ, What up!? I know I’ve been MIA. I’m makin a comeback though I swear. Love what you’re doin here with VSB.
@Ambra, i agree with you 100 percent. thing is, it’s been accepted as a means of communicating. we gots to do better people. lol.
“How many of you have moved from one city to another at some point, by yourself? How many of you have moved to a city where you pretty much didn’t know anybody and had to – gulp – make friends? And to complete the murder, how many of you AREN’T Greek and ARE guys?”
I moved across the country last summer (NY to Seattle) and didn’t know anyone when I got here and I’m female and not part of any sororities. It wasn’t that hard to make friends because Seattle is a really friendly city and I work in Consulting so if I’m not at work, then I’m socializing. It’s a lot easier to make friends if you’re outgoing and friendly….I always thought that it was easier for guys to bond, especially if there’s sports and alcohol involved..
Congrats to President Barack Obama!!!!
@Leila,
I just moved from Seattle to Austin. I’m jealous that you’re in Seattle…where are you living? How do you like it so far? How long have you been there? I must say though, people in Seattle are pretty nice in general…especially compared to the east coast.
@Coco, I love Seattle! It’s a really cool city. It’s really pretty too:) I’ve been here for about 7 months now. People are really friendly here. It took a minute to get used to it because I moved here from NY, but now I smile and say hi to everyone.
@Leila,
I always thought that it was easier for guys to bond, especially if there’s sports and alcohol involved..
its easy to bond…but its tough to take it to the next (“hey, maybe we should hang out and get some boston chicken or something”) level
…exactly.
@The Champ, right. i can meet people all the live long day. lucky for me i went to an HBCU and always know folks everywhere i go.
NOT all the live long day. wowsers– it’s been a minute since i heard that.
@The Champ, Good point. It’s probably a lot easier for girls to exchange numbers.
I’ve always taken for granted how easily it is for me to make friends, most of the time w/out even trying. I mean, I’m the darling of every establishment I frequent. People love me, because I love people (today). I think it has to do w/how comfortable I am w/myself (finally, after all these years) and how much faith I have in what God does through our relationships. I try to do my best in relationships because I believe to do so is honoring God’s blessing of a good friend.
Anyway, if guys aren’t comfortable exchanging numbers, how about email addys? That way you won’t have to be too intimate right away (or appear to be). Once the two guys are exchanging email messages, they can just agree to meet up @ events and all that jazz. It shouldn’t be over thought or overdone. Just let if flow naturally.
And yes, I am looking for more letters for my blog. Ya’ll need to write me. My sagacity is backing up. I just may have a sagacious dream tonight. Maybe I’ll write to myself, just to release the pressure.
@PBG aka The Notorious C.A.T.,
Anyway, if guys aren’t comfortable exchanging numbers, how about email addys?
eh. can’t imagine the following scenario
***two relatively like-minded guys sitting on bleachers, rapping, after intense ball-game***
guy 1: “…but yeah, after that, i never looked at a pencil or milk in the same light ever again”
guy 2: **laughing**
guy 2: “yo…we should chill some time, and watch kung-fu”
guy 1: “i was thinking the same thing”
guy 2: “here. take my email address. its b-a-r-r-y underscore, d, underscore, w-h-i-t-e, underscore 131.”
guy 1″ wait…lemme get some paper or something to write it down.”
guy 1, addressing the group ” yo, any of ya’ll n*ggas got some paper and sh*t?”
group reply: “naw, n*gga”
guy 1 to guy 2: “oh well. i guess we’ll never watch kung fu together”
@The Champ,
*shrug*
Maybe I was wrong then. Thank God I was blessed w/a vagina then, cuz I’d make a lot of folks uncomfortable.
@PBG aka The Notorious C.A.T.,
“Maybe I was wrong then.”
“Thank God I was blessed w/a vagina then, cuz I’d make a lot of folks uncomfortable.”
its not often you see two sentences you’ve never, ever said before in the same comment
@The Champ, lol!
@The Champ,
They can exchange Business Cards. That’s easy and professional… no?
Like PBG says, when it comes easy to you, it’s hard to imagine how difficult it can be for someone else.
just wanna shout out my ETWIN, overit. and a special thanks to Ivy and Champikins for puttin me up on this site since VSB is now the nexus that joins me with my long-[unknowingly]-lost e-soul’s other half. note: this is not to be confused with my other half in darkieness, Ivy, where together we 100% hold down negrodom in pitt’s neuro program, holla!
all in all, i am a complete 1.5 person with my other 2 halves. and becuz of that my life will be grand (even in the midst of the battle ppl call “comps”)
@GEMazing,
What are you talking ’bout? That was as confusing as Champ. lol….
*shrugs* no idea. just typing randomness to be typing. Peej’s ADHD is contagious apparently.
the idea was to pay homage to my etwin and our etwinniness.
@GEMazing,
Got ya silly rabbit….
@GEMazing, whoa wait…i have ADHD?? what color is red?
@GEMazing,
I think Comps are starting to get to you. Don’t look directly at the words or at least not too long. *sending vibes of motivation*
Thanks for the shout out Gem! No e-hug necessary. I’ll hug you when I see you.
@GEMazing,
Hang in there, darling…
Check this article out… you’ll get some chuckles out of it.
http://chronicle.com/jobs/news/2005/07/2005072801c.htm
I wanna move, because I know everyone and my town and wish I had that problem of meeting new folks and finding friends, instead of fooling with these bamas in my vicinity. Sorry just had to vent since you was talmbout friends and sh*t….
Ok, I understand the number exchange thing, but what about suggesting a meeting spot. Like “Hey, what are you doing on such and such a day? If you can, meet me at around 2pm at such and such a place, there’s an event taking place.”
That doesn’t seem gay and it’s pretty casual. Now after they meet and if they have a good time, it would feel more comfortable to exchange numbers and hang out again. No?
what dudes meet up for the 1st time at 2 in the afternoon?? that seems suspect to me.
@GEMazing, What is a totally un-gay time of day for two men to meet up? I mean, I’d like to know, just in case Ikey asks one day.
@PBG aka The Notorious C.A.T.,
After 4:30 pm and before 11 pm. All other hours should be dedicated to making some sweet moolah, scheming on some tang, or sleeping.
@Herb,
I am so glad to be a girl. Well, maybe not. Besides menstruation being a life-long bitch, “Girl Code” sucks.
@PBG aka The Notorious C.A.T.,
see now, i didn’t say mtg at 2p was GAY. i said it was SUSPECT. if it’s a week day, shouldn’t you be at work?? i mean, normal lunch hours are approx from 11:30-1:30p. even if you’re a student or some one with flexible work hours, what is it you’d do at 2p with another man? if it’s the weekend, 2p is still a random time in the middle of the day. even on football Sunday, that’s a time AFTER games have started. unless you’re meeting at the gym, it’s a strange hour.
that’s all i’m saying.
@GEMazing,
I never thought about this but, It does seem suspect,a bit. Like if my SO told me him and homeboy decided to hang out at 1 in the afternoon on a Wednesday, I’d be a little “for what?”…IDK middle afternoon meetings always remind me of hookup times.
whatev, glad I’m a women.never thought about how difficult it must be for one grown man to ask for another’s digits.
This pot just reminds me of that Madtv skit:
can I get yo numba??
can I get it?
@GEMazing,
what dudes meet up for the 1st time at 2 in the afternoon?? that seems suspect to me.
lol…this made me laugh aloud for real. who knew that san diegoans could make funnies?
@GEMazing: 1 or 2pm is perfectly acceptable so long as there is a game involved: “you wanna catch the laker-celtics game at dugan’s?”
So I guess that’s a “no”?
In that 5 minutes of random talk, youre gonna get a story. A story made to show off something good, some advantage, something worth mentioning. Something the other guy has to ask questions about, something he wants to get invited to, something you want to invite him to, something he can take advantage of. An open mf’n invitation.
“Yall play hoops? When and where!?”
“Oh snap, you have a washer and dryer? The laundromat is KILLIN my wallet!”
“Yall play Rock Band drunk? I’m down!!”
An offer that gives you a roundabout reason to make contact elsewhere.
Offer not made? Offer not taken? Bromance fail.
@Herb,
I will never be comfortable w/the term “Bromance”. Not ever.
@PBG aka The Notorious C.A.T.,
You shouldnt be. But then were posting about how two straight guys exchange numbers. Its 2009. The president isnt white. Holy sh!t.
@Herb,
That comment made me cackle out loud.
@Herb,
Yeah, um…Bromance = Down low brother.
@Coco,
You should google it.
@Herb,
In that 5 minutes of random talk, youre gonna get a story. A story made to show off something good, some advantage, something worth mentioning. Something the other guy has to ask questions about, something he wants to get invited to, something you want to invite him to, something he can take advantage of. An open mf’n invitation.
good points and sh*t
@Herb, good point. i do think there’s usually a means to find a way to kick it, however, you got to put pride down and somebody has to take the first step…unless it’s for the good lovin’, most dudes ain’t taking the next step with ease.
I mean verb. My bad.
“Bromance” is also disturbing.
@Ambra,
I feel like that show should be on here! or Logo, not MTV. It’s very borderline “How you doin?”.
I felt compelled to jump in here b/c I moved to DC and it’s supposed to be difficult to make friends and I succeeded.
The easiest way is an invitation to go watch sports, that requires a minimum of planning therefore numbers are exchanged.
Also its how you ask. “Can I get your #, digits, cell #, etc” sounds exceedingly suspect. “We should link and watch the Super Bowl, I heard about this one jawn that is a hoasis” works much much better.
@Stank-0,
Also its how you ask. “Can I get your #, digits, cell #, etc” sounds exceedingly suspect. “We should link and watch the Super Bowl, I heard about this one jawn that is a hoasis” works much much better.
good point. there are many ways to circumvent latent homophobia.
@Stank-0, A “hoasis”???
*dead*
@PBG aka The Notorious C.A.T., “hoasis” is a term that was made popular in the Best Man and has been a staple of me and my boys communication ever since.
it is, definitively, a great word.
@Panama Jackson,
I’ve watched that movie a bunch of times and never noticed it. I will have to watch it again now, and attempt to stomach Taye Diggs once more.
@Stank-0, “Also its how you ask. “Can I get your #, digits, cell #, etc” sounds exceedingly suspect.”
I see guys exchange business cards a lot. This could be another way of exchanging #’s without looking suspect.
@Leila, finally a good idea, but now all he gonna have is my work number (pause)
This is not really a problem with black people. Most folks aren’t really all that conversational unless they get touched in a certain comfort zone. Somehow we’ve gotten to an age where if we say someone has no friends that that person is an asshole. That’s not really true.
Personally the one with all the friends, the one who smooches everyone all the time, the one who always gets everything is the one who probably suffers the most. You hear all the time about these people, these “perfect” people, telling the very people they think are social lepurs that 90 percent of who they deal with ain’t worth toilet paper.
What does that say? Just because everyone comes to you for conversation doesn’t mean everyone is a friend. That’s a mistake people who become sociable make which is why people ultimately become paranoid and untrusting towards strangers.
Everybody lies. You just have to be able to know that that applies to even the greats.
@Matthew Milam,
although i’m not sure exactly how your last three paragraphs relate to the entry, welcome and sh*t.
@The Champ, lol. i was wondering too
@Matthew Milam,
welcome!!!
*shooting gold stars*
Instead of asking for a number why not offer your digits.
Example***
Dude A: Yeah, we usually play ball at Turkey Thicket on Sat. mornings. If you’re interested hit me up on my cell/iPhone/Blackberry. Lemme give you my number.
Dude B: oh cool. I’ll send you my info .
I think this is one of the un-gayest ways two adult males can start a friendship.
Excuse the use of archaic slang.
@Ms. Hall,
Ahhh, Turkey Thicket! That’s where I go to psuedo-workout!
Saturday mornings, you say? Hmmm…
@Ms. Hall,
inviting a relative stranger to play ball is tricky sometimes, because the person’s (lack of) ability can cause serious awkwardness.
@Ms. Hall, you must live near me b/c i’m 3 blocks from Turkey Thicket…unless you’re not in DC in which case we need to do a catalogging of all areas named Turkey Thicket.
@Panama Jackson, You’re 3 blks from Turkey Thicket?? Hahahaaa! Between you, me & my parents, no wonder this neighborhood is so sexxy.
@Panama Jackson,
I grew up in the formerly Shaw, now Mt. Vernon Sq. area. I live in Japan now. LOL. I used Turkey Thicket as a generic example. Feel free to insert Kenilworth, Anacostia Park, etc.
@The Champ
As someone suggested, would you be able to invite them to watch sports as opposed to joining in on a game? I didn’t consider the fact that they (relative stranger) may not be athletically inclined.
Grown arse men can make friends by sports, whether it’s bonding over actually playing the game or just watching it. They can also bond over video games. If you have a woman, you can bond over couples nights.
It’s pretty easy for me to make friends… I guess it’s easier for a lot of women. We bond over EVERYTHING and have no fear of being mistaken for “homo” for asking for a phone number. We even go to the movies or out to eat together (go figure!) LOL.
Men need to get over that fear!
@Nicki Sunshine,
I’ve always wondered that about dudes. Do yall go out to eat or to the movies together like us women?? Like just two of yall? I don’t know if I’ve ever seen two dudes at the movies together. Hmmm. Would I think it was suspect? Naw, proly not. Unless of course they had on skinny jeans, tight leather jackets and started slobbin each other down 5 minutes into the movie. Then maybe…juuust maybe….they might be fruity.
@nia,
Do yall go out to eat or to the movies together like us women?
you can eat, but it usually has to be something that can be considered junk (pizza, wings, fries, etc) and there has to be multiple tv’s present as well as scantily clad waitresses (or hookers)
movies…hmmm. a group of guys (three or more) can go see an action flick or a comedy like “stepbrothers”. basically, if theres any pianos, acoustic guitars, or gospel in the score/soundtrack, its a no-go
@The Champ, and do ya’ll skip a seat in between each other at said movie?
@SouthernGirl,
ctfu
@The Champ,
I just hit the floor
@nia, “Like just two of yall? I don’t know if I’ve ever seen two dudes at the movies together. Hmmm. Would I think it was suspect? Naw, proly not. Unless of course they had on skinny jeans, tight leather jackets and started slobbin each other down 5 minutes into the movie. Then maybe…juuust maybe….they might be fruity.”
LMAO. Seriously, my two brothers (younger than me) say he!! no to the movies and dinner with a guy.
@nia, you can go to dinner but it cant be anywhere that cost over $15 per person and you cant have quiet conversation unless its for business. lunch is a lil trickier
@Nicki Sunshine, i keep hearing mention of sports as a bonding exercise. but let me remind you all that if you move to a new place 1) how do you know where to ball? especially in some places like Atlanta where there are like 3 outdoor ballcourts (i’ve always wondered why down South we dont do outdoor ballcourts as much as upnorth); or 2) what if you don’t play sports.
in that case you cant go to the gym to watch. lol. just imagine THAT scenario, and 2, if you go to a sports bar you’re essentially PICKING UP a guy that way. lol. which ALSO probably won’t go over too well unless it’s Nelly’s at 9th and U NW…where you can pick up all the guys you want.
@Panama Jackson,
“1) how do you know where to ball? especially in some places like Atlanta where there are like 3 outdoor ballcourts (i’ve always wondered why down South we dont do outdoor ballcourts as much as upnorth); or 2) what if you don’t play sports.”
Dang Panama??!!! I don’t know. I provide the outline, you gotta write the story. LOL
@Panama Jackson,
“i’ve always wondered why down South we dont do outdoor ballcourts as much as upnorth”
Because we have mastered the use of the air conditioner during each month for a reason.
This is something that I have thought about. More than likely I will be leaving Detroit and have to make new friends. I don’t know how that will work b/c I am not very out going. To be honest a lot of people that I have met that are very outgoing tend to be fake. But anyway I wondered how I would meet people. All of my friends now are friends that I have had 8-9yrs plus. I just can’t see myself asking a dude for his number. I would look at him sideways if he asked me. Plus coming from Detroit i’m always looking to see what everyone’s angle is. I’m not use being around friendly people which may be a problem b/c everyone does not have bad intentions.
@Humble_One,
damn. your situation sucks. i dont know what to tell you. maybe you should convince one of your boys to move with you
asking one of his boys to move to a new city with him so he won’t be alone?? now THAT would be homoesque.
@GEMazing
::snickering::
@Humble_One, see, everybody, this is a real problem. the reason i wrote this is b/c my boy asked me to…3 years ago. lol. im just now getting to it but he had that same problem. now he went to an HBCU with me but he also moved to a place that nobody in their right mind would actually move to on purpose (read: no Black folks that read). so he was like, what am i gonna do and how am i gonna meet dudes to hang out with?
our solution, from there on out, only live in cities where your boys live or where HBCU’s have a sizable population (read, Atlanta, DC, NY)
@Panama Jackson,
Atlanta is on my list. NY is cool but the cost of living is crazy. I have considered the DMV but I am not sure if there are a lot of jobs there for a manufacturing engineer.
@Humble_One,
Atlanta is on everyone’s list (including mine). I was just complaining to my mother about how hard it is to make friends in the city I live in. I went to an HBCU and attended grad school in NY so it was incredibly easy to make friends before my move.
@Humble_One,
Move to Houston. Best kept secret in the US. Affordable living (very affordable), excellent job growth (Oil &Gas, HealthCare, IT) and extremely diverse.
People don’t know that about Houston, but it’s a really cool place to live… (if you can stand the heat.
)
@Sula-in-training,
4sho. This has my stamp of approval.
@Panama Jackson,
I think I’m like the only black person in america who isn’t interested in living in ATL…at all!
I went to an HBCU and a PWI. I moved to Raleigh, for work. I have no real friends here…just an associate or two and I don’t like kicking it with them too regular (we don’t mesh well).
If I had my way, my inner circle and I would all be back in CALI since that’s where we’re all from..except the native Chi-city chick…but she can adjust.
@Ro,
I think I’m like the only black person in america who isn’t interested in living in ATL…at all!
you’re not.
@The Champ,
She sure as hellz isn’t. ATL is a nice place to visit, but I would never want to live there.
@The Champ, I totally second that comment
@Ro,
Nope you’re not the only one. I just don’t get the whole ATL thing. It doesn’t attract me AT ALL.
Now Chicago or Seattle? Sign me up!
@Humble_One, well, where might you be moving? ask the vsb masses. maybe someone lives in the area or knows someone that does and ya’ll can bond and sh!t. idk.
I may need an answer to this myself, because I was born n raised in the midwest and lived on both coasts, but I seem to have trouble making friends IN the south. I do know some cool people FROM the south, but somehow this is not quite the same thing. I thought I’d run into someone cool at my job, but most of the dudes were aloof to the new kid and the one I could probably hang with got fired 3 weeks into when I was there.
@Maximillian,
why did he get fired?
@The Champ,
Told folks at the job he had to leave early to take his son to the doctor, this after telling everyone his son was with the baby-momma back in BK.
@Maximillian, the homie Max. i say just go to the strip club and call it a day.
@Panama Jackson,
I been to Pleasers and the infamous Blue Flame. I’ve even been back to Sabor for a birthday party.
@Maximillian, I was born n raised in the midwest and lived on both coasts, but I seem to have trouble making friends IN the south.
Which part of the south? I thought it would be easiest to make friends in the South because of Southern Hospitality and all that. I would go to networking events, sports bars, happy hours, etc..
@Leila, I live in and am from the south and all of my friends are from somewhere else… what’s that about?
“SOMEBODY please get Kanye some clippers and a haircut. Please. He seems to be growing a shag. He doesn’t seem to know it. Thank you.”
Lol. I’m glad you agree. I was startin to feel uncool again
But I (a woman) have a difficult time makin friends too. I have honestly not made (and kept) a friend in about 8 years. But I’m pretty shy and probably mildly anti-social most days.
@Imperfect,
its sooo cold in the b-lo too, so i understand
Usually when I make male friends it starts off on some business type shyt. We may be working together and find out we have common interests. If we exchange contacts (exchanging contacts sounds SO much better than exchanging numbers), it starts off work-related and branches off from there. I’ve never been the social butterfly type so this works best for me.
@Monk, I agree. Exchanging contacts sounds all professional and hetero.
I suggest saying something like “You on Facebook?” Wait, never mind, then you’ve gotta send a dude a friend request, which is pretty much the same as asking for his math.
I was just talkin about this with my boy yesterday. It can be wild awkward for a dude to say “we should hang out sometimes” to another dude. Our first thought would be “Is this ninja on some funny style ish?!” before actually being like “yeah man. no doubt. i know a few bars to hit up where chicks always come thru.”
I live in a city where it seems like all the (educated) black people know each other. If I meet someone out, chances are I’m one degree away from someone I already know personally. If I moved to another city, I’m guessing it would prolly be the same thing.
Then again. I’m Greek. Nevermind.
@Slim Jackson,
I was just talkin about this with my boy yesterday. It can be wild awkward for a dude to say “we should hang out sometimes” to another dude.
i met someone recently who said this to me, asking me to hit him up the next time i went out. mind you, he asked me this question within maybe 20 minutes of meeting me for the first time. i honestly believe that anyone who’s comfortable doing this is a sociopath
@The Champ,
lol @sociopath. Though, I may have to agree with you on this one. That’s not good news.
@Slim Jackson,
‘YES LAWD’ from the back of the decon seeting section.
It’s difficult for everyone to find friends in a new city, but it’s not difficult for women to find associates. If I see men develop friendships in a new city, it’s usually a result of a group of guys from work or the gym inviting the “new” guy to hang out.
The only thing I could suggest for guys who aren’t greek looking to meet other guys is to say something funny around men you have things in common with. Making people laugh is always a good icebreaker and it encourages them to feel comfortable with talking to you.
@Voiceofreason,
it’s always funny to me when guys who work out together in groups, mainly because much of the background noise at a typical weight room sounds how i’d expect g*y p*rn to sound.
@The Champ,
I just threw up a little in my mouth. Blech.
@nia,
what’s wrong? can’t stomach “the gays”?
@The Champ, Gay pron sounds nothing like that. And yes, I do know, for all the reasons you think I do.
@PBG aka The Notorious C.A.T., can i know those reasons?
@Pey-SO,
No.
@Voiceofreason, being as i’m naturally buff (read: slim as a mug) i wonder if meeting a dude in the gym wouldn’t be mad uncomfortable too. i mean, i’m assuming its possible for a random convo to come up by watching TV or something which spurs a good convo or something.
@Panama Jackson,
I figured it would be easy in the gym only because you could make a couple of comments about an attractive woman and get laughs that way. Maybe that’s a stretch?
…well, we do that anyway. So, a gym wouldn’t really be any different.
LOL…this entry is so true. I’ve dealt with this since I’ve moved to my current city and I’ve been here 5 years and have two guys that I would define as true friends and not acquaintances (i.e. dudes I work with or work out with at the gym). I know plenty women (not that that’s a bad thing)…this has been an on-going conundrum in my head because I always had a rack of friends back home and in college. I look forward to suggestions…
*Now, turning up the Whodini…”Friends…how many of us have theeeemmmm…”*
@AkShone,
do you want more friends and sh*t?
@The Champ,
Lol…see how that sounds! I guess I’m just used to having a wider variety of friends. I know a lot of people, but not a lot I would define as friends. Some people are just cool for certain situations.
Like most men, my die-hard friends are the ones that I’ve know since I was a kid…and they all stay in different cities, which is cool when I travel or when they come here. I don’t know, I just never thought about that until it became evident.
@AkShone,
It’s a lot easier to make friends in a school setting. I moved back to the city I grew up in so it was no problem for me to link up with old associates and cousins (which I feel can be the coolest family members of all…you get a friend and blood relative all in one)when I got here. Nearly all of my close friends are from college and grad school, and I haven’t had much luck making any close friends since my return home. I think the older we get the more difficult it is to make genuine friends.
@Voiceofreason,
“I think the older we get the more difficult it is to make genuine friends.”
^^^^…that is a key statement right there.
looking back to the last decade or so, all of the “new” guy friends i’ve made have been either through work or basketball. i guess i may have made “close acquaintances” (people who you’d give the dap/hug to, but probably would never call them for any reason) through osmosis as well, but thats about it.
thing is, unless i move to another state or something, i dont really see the need in making any new guy friends.
I don’t think I get twitter. My little cousin tried to get me on it. I have an account but I don’t know how to use it. *sigh*
The men I know who have made new friends came into a group that was formed by women and their male friends, boyfriends, husbands.
Another way is to have a roommate. Two dude I know got roommates when they moved to a new city. They became BFF’s with said roommates. Then they became found other cool groups of dudes and eventually formed crews. I’m not sure break-dancing was involved. But since I used ‘crew’ I was reminded that historically, ‘crews’ break-dance. When they went their own separate living ways, they still remained friends.
@Hostess,
Another way is to have a roommate.
thats gay
@The Champ, lmao.
@The Champ, No it’s not. Finding a same sex roomie in a one bedroom apt might be ghey. But if you are in a big spot and under a certain age, it’s not ghey. I’ve seen this work particularly when folks are in professional school.
@The Champ,
LOL
@Hostess, i’m still trying to understand Twitter myself.
but, um…so FINDING a roommate isn’t awkward in and of itself? i know grown ass people who peruse Craigslist in search of roommates and stuff and i think these individuals are adventure junkies. the last thing i want to do when i move to a new place is look for a random stranger to share my personal safe haven with.
then again, i’m sexxy.
I enjoyed this post, I truly never thought about what it’s like for guys who moves to a new place and has to make new male friends without feeling becoming the victim of a hate crime. So I would like the offer the following ways men can make new friends without the apperance of inciting a bromance, or any other misc homoeroticism.
1. sports leagues (men can find out about them at the gym from the other has beens talking about what they were like before some random injury occurred)
2. barber shops (ish talkin at its finest for the men. “his mama named him Clay, imma call him Clay!”
3. work (very easy. the male staffers will know you’ve moved from another city thus making it easy to exchance numbers)
Hope those help. Go make friends Men!
@Jeandra,
“I enjoyed this post…”
i’m glad our struggles to make new friends amuses you.
@The Champ,
LMAO! You’re too much.
@The Champ,
it truly does. but hey your team is in the superbowl, that should warrant a new friend or two without it seeming ghey.
i’m a grad student, so even moving to my current city (pgh) where i knew no one at all, it was easy to make friends with other black students (since we are few and far between). i got involved in various orgs and such. and many of my current friends i met through other ppl. and the cycle just continues…
but most of the guys i know dont seem to have trouble solidifying a new “friendship” by exchanging numbers. i’ve never seen an awkward exchange between 2 dudes. it usually starts off with a “story” like some one mentioned up thread, then follows a “you should check it out” and “oh that’s whats up” and finally “just hit me up at _____” game over.
if the timing is right (talking about watching the nba playoffs at the local cheap wing spot) and the vibe is cool, what’s the prob?? it’s all in the approach. maybe its becuz i menstruate and have the ability to produce milk but i don’t quite see why it has to be awkward. the way i see it, if a dude thinks you’re homo-y after suggesting you exchange info, perhaps there’s something ELSE about you that makes him think this.
@GEMazing, hm. i think even being in school makes a big difference.
for instance, say I had moved to DC out of random state school in Texas, non-HBCU, non-Greek. at my current job, i’m LITERALLY the only Black male under age 40. and really, only one of maybe 4 here. meeting cats at the job? not gonna happen. two…in a city like DC where young Black folks run rampant, i’m sure i could come into contact with folks, but without the initial “in”, meeting folks would be more difficult. i can go to all the parties but i’m SURELY not gonna be exchanging contact info with a cat i meet at the club.
lol.
i’m just saying, depending on circumstances, it can be much more difficult for men to meet other male friends than meets the eye. plus, every person ain’t outgoing either. hell you almost have to go back to school or get a second job at a place with an outgoing type of workforce (read bartending, whorehouse, etc) to meet new folks…
i’m not saying it’s not hard to MEET ppl who could be potential friends. i recognize that to be a problem for most grown, educated ppl. regardless of gender.
but the BIGGER problem i got from your post is once you do meet a dude you think would be cool to kick it with, how do you go about it?? what’s the best way to show interest for linking up again in the future?? how does one go about exchanging numbers with another dude without seeming “homo”??
and for women, this aspect of “meeting” ppl is much easier, since we tend not to be all caught up in whether or not exchanging numbers is “homo”.
WHERE a dude goes to meet other dudes on his level is beyond me. as a young woman in this desolate city, i’m STILL trying to figure it out so i can be there too.
@Panama Jackson,
“for instance, say I had moved to DC out of random state school in Texas, non-HBCU, non-Greek. at my current job, i’m LITERALLY the only Black male under age 40. and really, only one of maybe 4 here. meeting cats at the job? not gonna happen. two…in a city like DC where young Black folks run rampant, i’m sure i could come into contact with folks, but without the initial “in”, meeting folks would be more difficult. i can go to all the parties but i’m SURELY not gonna be exchanging contact info with a cat i meet at the club.”
This. Is. Me.
Lol, just replace Texas with Tennessee and DC with Atlanta.
@AkShone, Shoulda pledged. Just kidding.
@Hostess,
Actually, I planned on it, but I had graduated by the time they were allowed back on campus. They got kicked off the yard for four semesters.
@GEMazing,
maybe its becuz i menstruate and have the ability to produce milk but i don’t quite see why it has to be awkward
this cracked me up. U are Gemazing!
There is a difference in making a new male friend and just choppin it up with an acquaintance. Most of my male friends I’ve known since Elementary/Junior High. That keeps it consistent and we know each other’s history. New dudes…I dunno. It becomes harder as you get older. It isn’t that awkward when networking though (unless you’re just worried about coming off fruity). If I feel that another dude could be a good road dawg or possibly a good connect for something, I’ll ask for the business card or slide him mine. That simple. Same with women, although women automatically assume you’re panty prospecting but I digress…
@CPT Callamity,
i think we (guys) just have less of a need to make new friends as we get older. a bi-product of us being better friends than women are is the fact that we’re more selective in choosing them
@The Champ,
Cuz going back to my comment on the ‘men are better friends’ post. A man’s friends are respected by that man. And therefore are reflections of some of the things he enjoys. This goes for the whole person. Is what it is.
Reminds me of that Chris Rock sketch on married folks, where the wives throw their husbands in a room for a “playdate.”
“You like baseball?”
“Yeah”
“I like baseball, too”
@GiGi,
thats happened to me before, except instead of baseball we talked about wings
@The Champ,
Did you get his number afterward?
This is a serious question for me because even though I went to school here in Atlanta, all of my male friends have moved out of state. The only other guys I hung out with were the other half of married couples. My ex-wife got those friends in the divorce. So now all of my friends are female which makes it difficult when you are trying to date. Your SO is not going to be happy with you hanging out with a bunch of women. I’m not going out for the sole purpose of picking up male friends. Like already said, that is homoesque. What is a brother to do?
@Krush,
The only other guys I hung out with were the other half of married couples. My ex-wife got those friends in the divorce.
this is sad. like, i almost shed a tear and sh*t while reading it. i dont know what to say, bro
So you’re looking for up-high friends in a down-low city? I think someone mentioned this earlier, but if you have a girlfriend she will happily hook you up with a few man play-dates as she builds her “couple only” roster and sloughs off her single girlfriends (which I can understand, even though I don’t agree with it).
Just make sure that you make man-friends with a guy who is kinda popular and can introduce you to other man-friends. If you make friends with another shy loner you’ll have to go through the whole process again.
And can I say – knowing that men have to think this hard to make a friend makes me mighty glad to be a woman. And summa y’all claim that WE make things more difficult than they need to be!
@Lil’T,
So you’re looking for up-high friends in a down-low city?
this sounds like the first line in one of those vibechat ads that play when judge mathis is on
@Lil’T, please don’t say man-friend. lol.it makes me think of little old ladies and how they refer to their SO.
Thank god for estrogen. The only suggestion that i have to straight men who want to make friends with other straight men is… stop thinking everything is “homoesque”. Having chex with another man is homoesque. Beyond that… stop worrying about it so much. I think the term bromance is cute. We need more bromance in the world. Barack said it’s ok
@pgh muse,
Awww. Yeah…that’s a nice sentiment, but ain’t gon happn’ capn’. It’s pretty much in a dude’s DNA to make sure they don’t brush they hand against another man’s schlong or tell another dude that they look “nice”. They just can’t do it.
And ironically, I don’t think having chex with another dude is “homoesque.” I think 2 dudes can have cereal while watchin cartoons or basketball. Now if one of those dudes has his leg laid across the other’s lap while doing it?
Uuuum, yeah…
@nia,
I think 2 dudes can have cereal while watchin cartoons or basketball. Now if one of those dudes has his leg laid across the other’s lap while doing it?
Uuuum, yeah…
This made me laugh lololol! Chex is a safe way to spell (s)ex
@pgh muse,
Ohhhhh!! Lol! Sorry, I’m a newbie. lol. Well, then forget about the cereal.
Better yet, just forget everything I said. I’m all discombobulated now.
@nia, cute!!! this made me chuckle.
They can always start a blog. Isn’t that a way to meet new people/potential friends?
Meeting new people in general isn’t simple… where’s the easy button for that??!!
I’ve been living in the Raleigh/Durham area for like 8 months and I’m reminded of being at the PWI. It’s like, every black person in my age bracket knows all the same dang on people! Which is hard for me to understand b/c there are something like 6 different colleges in the vicinity so how in all of sam hades do all the black people know each other?
I have an associate who attends UNC for grad school…figured that’s an approrpiate “in”…wrong. Definitely not.
During undergrad, I wasn’t extremely popular but I had my core group and that suited me just fine. Now 80% of my core group is in Texas, one’s in Chicago and I’m stuck in tobacco country taking myself out on dates and hanging out at the bars by my lonesome if I ever want to get out.
I have yet to work up the courage to fly solo to a club…but restaurants, bars, movies, the mall, or anything like that… just me, my purse and my cell phone.
I can not wait to move!
@Ro,
Well I live in the Raleigh/Durham area, and you are so correct that everyone knows everyone (Part of that comes from the fact that all the UNC kids in college would talk mad -ish about my HBCU but were at all our parties and trying to date all the men, but I digress) , but one thing is this is an area of transplants, so I end up befriending folks that are not from here, but I must agree with you, the social scene really sucks here, I can’t wait to move either…
@Relax, Relate, Alise,
Dang…and I was wondering about moving down there…
@CPT Callamity,
I know me too. I still got my eye on South Cackilackie.
@Relax, Relate, Alise, chiming in from lurker status to agree. Been here for 7 years and the social scene (or, rather, lack thereof) is unbelievably wack.
@miss kate, welcome and sh!t…*shooting gold stars*
@Relax, Relate, Alise,
This does not help me! LOL… I will be here for at least a couple more years. I can’t spend everyday counting down the days til I’m out… been there done that, grew dreads!
@Ro,
Well though the options are few, there are options, and depends on what you are into socially… hit me offline and I can tell you the spots, folks, and all that jazz that are cool….
@Relax, Relate, Alise, remember you said that…you are now and will be the designated 411 of all things to do from on out!!
@Relax, Relate, Alise,
Really??? I am seriously comtemplating moving to Charlotte. (i know i reps my city … but opportunity knocks) Ne who… I know these areas are miles apart, but do they have similar demographics?
@pgh muse,
Charlotte is totally different, most of the folks I know that live in Charlotte love it… that;s where I go to party actually……….
@Relax, Relate, Alise,
That’s what i’m TALM ’bout!!! I’m going down next month to scout. :’-( this would be a very bittersweet move… but hey. I goes where the good lawd blows me (wait that didn’t sound right) lol..
@pgh muse,
“I goes where the good lawd blows me (wait that didn’t sound right) lol..”
Lol, e-twin. Unless by good lawd, you mean “good lawd!!!”, you’re right it doesn’t sound right at all…..
@Ro, I definitely understand what you’re saying. I’m going on my second year in Raleigh, and all the people I know are either relatives or former classmates from HS and law school. None of my besties live anywhere near the state of NC, let alone RDU. However, with that being said, I have attended a few good parties, and the people I have met are cool and we kick it sometimes. Interestingly enough, I live in Raleigh, bur hang more in Chapel Hill, partly b/c that’s where I know a few UNC grad students. I think I lost my point….anyway, I do understand how you feel.
…
hmmmm… A question to the VSB’s out there, if I may… Is it a normal occurance to get hit on by a gay male? Like why are men so homophobic? I thought that gay men only hit on other men when there was like a sign or something, u know a wink or a pat on the arm or something. Seriously! I’m curious. Do gay men hit on straight men or is this urban legend? Cause i’m thinking that gay men hit on men who are really bi-curious… and let it be known that they are bi-curious…
@pgh muse,
I’ve been hit on but respectfully told them I like cooch. That keeps the convo on the normal level. Most gay dudes aren’t out to convert straight ones but occasionally they will try to see if you are down. Most of the time if you tell them you’re straight…that’s it! No more pushing and slick talk out the mouth. The only ones I despise and avoid are the flamers. Other than that do you…
@pgh muse,
Like why are men so homophobic
this mindset is a part of the hyper-heterosexually we’re told that we need to have to be successful/attractive. for most black men, this state of mind has been ingrained in us from birth. its a bi-product of the “hardness” and swagger that black males are “supposed to” have.
also, nowadays, when theres a laundry list of perfectly normal things (ie: wearing a pink shirt) that can be misconstrued as “gay” by women, you can’t help but be conscious of it, and that consciousness does produce homophobia.
@The Champ,
Yep…and where in the black community is there really a forum or way to discuss masculinity and sexuality without an assault or inquisition as to one’s manhood?
I totally agree, Champ.
This reminds me of this documentary I think it’s called “Obama & 50″ on youtube. It’s a really good doc and talks more deeply about percieved black male masculinity and our image in america and around the world.
i call BS. while i do recognize that the black community (in particular) shuns homosexuality to the point that there is this need to hyper-heterosexual-ize many things, i don’t think that alone is what produces homophobia.
for instance, it is very typical in sports for men to pat each other on the a*s. most ppl–men and women alike– dont think twice about it. athletes aren’t questioned about their sexuality cuz they’ve touched another man’s a*s for whatever reason. just doesn’t happen. now, if he palms and kneads said a*s like some dough, then you have another situation. but that’s usually NOT the case.
i believe homophobia comes from a deeper psychological place but i wont go into the details. it’s men who question and overthink things, worrying about if their actions come off “homo” are the ones who have self doubt about their sexuality and probably need not make any friends until they get to know their own self better.
maybe it’s just me, the men of my family, and the men i associate with but i dont know many men whose mental process go into second guessing their every move for fear they might come off as “a gay”. their outward [heterosexual] appearance and mannerisms aren’t based on what other ppl (read: women) think about men wearing pink/salmon/lavender shirts or getting manicures or exchanging contact information from an unfamiliar male.
*shrugs* then again i have a uterus and a father who thinks lattes are for “sissies” yet willingly watches “Will & Grace” and “Project Runway” and belongs to a monthly dinner group for male professionals around the great city of SD.
@Cpt and Champ,
Aha! Interesting, interesting…
Hmm, it can be a bit tough. Depends on the situation. Take me for example. Nov 2006, I moved to Tallahassee. A city where I knew almost no one. I would later find out there were some ppl from HS still at FAMU or FSU, however, I’d only find out during their last week in the TLH.
Anyway, how did I make (male) friends? Well, there was an existing group of guys who hung out at work. They’d usually goto lunch together a couple times a week. Had inside jokes, worked a lot on cars, etc.
Since I was the new guy, they’d invite me to lunch from time to time. I’d come along. Make jokes with them, talk about car stuff. But never really pushed anything. After a month of hanging with them perhaps once a week and stopping by cubes to chat about random stuff, or emailing them random jokes or stuff, I found myself on the daily lunch email list.
From there, it grew to hanging out outside of work. You get phone numbers when we needed to call someone to find where they were as we were leaving to lunch, or if you needed a ride home one day and could potentially get trapped at work some other time.
There wasn’t any “so, you should give me your number”. It was more like, hey, where the f*ck is Guy? What’s his number, I’ll call him. Or, “Hey can you give me a ride tomorrow?” “Sure” “Ok, let me get your number in case something happens”.
Actually, now that I write it, it’s much the same way you get a woman’s phone number. You don’t directly ask for it, you instead structure a situation where it makes perfect sense for her to give you her number.
Ex:
Kamakula: “Wow, I’ve really enjoyed chatting with you tonight. I’ve gotta goto this other bar and catch up with my boys. I’d really like to continue this conversation later this week. How do you suggest you arrange this?”
Hot Chick: “Well, let me give you my email address. . .”
Kamakula: “Haha, do that and you’d be developing an intimate relationship with my spam folder. Besides, I wouldn’t get to hear that voice of yours.”
Hot Chick: *giggling* “Ok, here’s my phone number”.
*Note, usually we don’t play the email/i don’t do email game. It’s just here for illustrative purposes.
Anyway, so a few months later, we get this new guy at the company. We take him out to lunch once. He’s ok. We’re still not quite sure whether we want to continue to hang, but figure, ah, we’ll keep inviting him from time to time. Then, a couple days later, we’re all going to play volleyball (we started doing this about 2-3x a week at lunch – several of us from work). Me and the guys typically take one car over. New dude decides to tag along with us (we didn’t invite him, car seats 5 comfy, obviously someone’s going to have to ride b*tch). That rankled. . . then we subtly suggested he find another ride back to work because we were going to take some extra time and grab food after volleyball before going back to work. He doesn’t take the hint and tags along.
Dude was almost NEVER invited out to anything again. Even more hilarious was the day he’d someone gotten one of our cell numbers.
Anyway, that was Tallahassee. Pittsburgh has been a whole different can of worms.
@kamakula,
I was fintuh say if you still in Tallanastie can you fed ex me a gut box? know what nevuh mind I can just get a chicken finger platter from applebees. man stinkin guthries people die laughin when I tell em it was only 3 things on the menue.
I never thought about the plight of the men when it comes to making new playmates. I moved to LA six years ago with $1,000 and only knew 4 people (three of which were men). It was hard for me at first because as soon as I met people they got booed up and moved, got married, or generally preoccupied with their new guy. I was 27 at the time. Point it’s hard for men at any age for us it’s harder when we start nesting.
I don’t know if this has been mentioned yet, but what about college/university alumni. I know there are Morehouse alum chapters in most major cities, and some not so major. That could be a means of meeting and kicking it with outher guys. Also, how about community activities…boys/girls club, boy scouts, coaching rec ball, political activities, Urban League, NAACP, etc. And in these instances, exchange business cards with the other men you meet who have similar interests as you.
@N.I.A. stillcelebrating44….,
I thought about that, but there isn’t an alumni chapter in my city…. and when I asked the Alumni Association about it, they asked me if I wanted to start a chapter, but I couldn’t and still can’t find the minimum number of alumni in the area!
@Ro, Girl, I’ve been trying to get together with alum from alma mater for a year now. They have a website, but the calendar is still full of 2007 information. And after sending an interest email, I have yet to receive any info. So, I just let that one go, and hold on to my dues money….But, I have been trying to get involved in some activities…I did some political work, and I am looking into doing some tutoring or something. I used to be a girl scout, so I may look into leading a troop…
I don’t have any friends and it sucks because my girl makes a new friends every week. My best friend moved to another city. One is locked up. 2 are male whores and 1 has a girl that keeps him on lock down.
All of the ninjas at my job are diva Dudes or just plain old corny.
It’s hard for me to make new friends. I quite good at being cool with a few ninjas but thats about it. The closet I’ve come to making a new friend was years ago with my old weed man. I used to chill around his crib watching football, but I stopped coming over once I found another weed man with a better product. I guess I’m not a loyal friend.
I’m not really pressed to make any new friends because of family life.
@eff yo couch,
lol you sound like the dudes in Pinaple Express.
LOL
Aight I an’t read any of the comments as of yet. But Panama you ain’t never lied. This is some funny styled shyt. Makes me feel awkward thinking and typing on it. So in order for this to be solved this is what we have to do. 1. work w/ our strengths. Like men bond by doing things together. 2 there is always a club or something to join to do your favorite thing w/ others who like to do this. 3. Join the club and make plans to practice w/ your homie. 4 talk fast don’t look @ each other directly in the face no ghey movements or funny looks again don’t look directly @ one another. Check out the scene in Grand Torino when Clint Eastwood’s character interacts w/ other men.
I met my best friend in the parking lot @ church in college. He was like man I’m tryin to do some things w/ this land I got bla mc bla bla & I’m like hey I’ll help you w/ that shyt son. (I been known to get my cardio on to hard labor) There’s always Urban networking group functions n the like.
btw I’m in this sittuation right now. I moved to a foreign (by foreign I mean a city I only visited once back in 8th grade and have like lil to no connects ya dig) city w/o a crew. This is like a fish out o water. Just awkward
@WuDaMan,
You moved out of Philly?
@eff yo couch,
no I moved to Philly. I’m from Gary, IN.
@WuDaMan,
Well, I’ll be happy to be your guide to the hood. You can hit me up on myspace. If you trying to roll out this Saturday, some friends and I are going clubbing
@eff yo couch, will do. Actually you prolly should hit me up on there or Face Book.
@WuDaMan,
How do i find you on facebook?
@eff yo couch, how do I find you on myspace? See this is that bullshyt.
@eff yo couch, okay now I fountchu. It’s on.
You know the saying: “If just one person got something out of something I did, then my work is done.”
…Panama, may have just did it.
**Thumbs up**
@WuDaMan,
that whole dialog jiggled my belly…in other words…it made me laugh…a lot!
@eff yo couch,
It’s too cute! Wu & Eff just made friends.
I feel like I’m watching preschoolers who finally decided to choose cooperative play as opposed to parallel play. *beams*
@PBG aka The Notorious C.A.T., LMAO!!!!
Awww, the poor menses…
Well, I travelled 2000 miles away to a foreign country when I was 18 (school), and didn’t know a soul there. Then another 5000 or so miles at the age of 21 not knowing anybody in my city.
But the cool thing is, Africans (in general) will know the cousin of the brother of the sister of the grandchild of the -you get my drift- so there’s always somebody you’ve been recommended to.
I think it makes it easy for us. There is always the friend of the friend. But that’s pretty much true for any group of expats/immigrants.
I met a bunch of American expats in Paris just by virtue of me living in the US, they tend to hang out together in “adversity”.
Ok, all those ramblings to say I haven’t got a clue on how to help the men to make new friends.
They should come on VSB and try to find people from their cities. Yeah, that’s actually brilliant!
duddaduddadudda
hilarious! but i got a tip for my brothers. my boyfriend is splendid at making new male friends, but he’s very Alpha Maley about it. Its like:
Him: Yo, where you headed?
Them: Bout to go chill/smoke/eat/play videos
Hiim: Yo, I’m bout to come with you. I”m tryna chill/smoke/eat/play videos too. Matter fact, I got this….. I want you to look at.
Them: Thats wassup, my nig.
I moved to DC from London a few months ago. Meeting people and making friends was definitely something I was worried about before coming- I only knew 2 people in the entire country! Luckily I was able to settle in quickly but after reading this post I feel like I would have had a much harder time of it as a bloke…
Women are much more open to making plans with other women even if they have just met (within 2 minutes of meeting- W1- I just love your earrings. They are super boho! W2- Thanks I got them at Eastern Market. W1- Where is that? I havent had a chance to go shopping here yet. W2- I’ll take you this weekend. Whats your number?
And a friendship is born.
I have to say the comment thread here is on point. Ya’ll seem like some chill cats.
I think if men think too much about *how* they will make other guy friends then that’s where the problems occur. I guess I don’t think too hard on it because in the Midwest, you are more or less taught to be personable.
It seems like the East coast makes it significantly more difficult but it can be done. The first friend I made in Alexandria I made on the ball court, he’s my peoples to this day.
I learned in DC as well that if you do things you like you will meet other people who like to do them as well. Then just been sociable and the friends will pile up.
I miss DC, Denver is cold and there’s no shorties, ie lots of women with big booties.
first off, yall make me laugh over here.
second, relax. you’re making too big of a deal of this man-friend thing. acknowledge the awkardness–’one can’t be sure of another’s intentions these days, but don’t worry, i just wanna kick it, i don’t wanna lick it’–give him your number or email and walk away.
or you could tell the guy where you’re gonna be at another point in time–say, a game or show or local place where everyone goes–and invite him to come. you meet up again, hang out, and then you’re on the way to becoming friends. happy ending.
@Blackroot, lil word of advice don’t use the phrase ‘happy ending’ when talking about male friends. Just a lil word of advice
In a 12-step fellowship, folk are encouraged to exchange numbers. I have a network in the Philly-South NJ. That said, after I moved from the Philly-South NJ to the DMV, I attended a few meetings but had no real intention of networking, but a met a guy who insisted on calling me and that I call him. It felt a little awkward, ’cause this guy is somewhat off the chain and is well known in the fellowship around these parts. He has introduced me to a lot of folks.
That said, I really am not looking for any new male BFFs at 49. Just the way it is.
ain’t read none of the comments…cuz I don’t reed gud no moe! but anyway…I am seriously entertaining relocating to another state and one of my clients suggested, I go to http://www.themeetup.com to meet like minded folks in my perspective new area! it is a site that lets people create eGroups based on similar interests and then the group goes offline for outings and sh1t…the site serves as a bulletin board for the groups etc… kind of like VSB… yeah I typed it! haven’t checked it out yet, but my client uses it locally and hasn’t stopped raving about it yet!
Also, try using business cards… in the scenario in the post…dude A could have said… “yeah we should shoot some hoops or something, hit me up” (passes card) see? was that hard? or mariposa? maybe slightly less than masculine but it got the job done… and there could een be another thread of convo about what they do for a living and sh1t…you know?
(sidebar) do men still “shoot hoops”?
@GOODENess, you read my mind!! I was just about to suggest meetup.com. I think it takes away some of the awkwardness because the whole point of the website is to connect/re-connect w/ new people, so pretty much everyone on there is looking to make a few friends. I’ve only gone to a few meetup events, but so far it has been a positive experience (last event I met some lovely ladies from all over the world – spain, scotland, france…)
I moved from to nyc 2 years ago from the west coast, and even as a female, it was a little hard to trying to meet *genuine* people. It helped that I had a lot of ‘associates’ from my HBCU, but most of them were ppl that I wouldn’t hang out with beyond happy hour….so I’m still learning how & where to meet new folks.