two weeks ago, p expertly outlined five ways to charm a woman, a list which detailed exactly how to get a woman all brazilianrainforesty down there without even touching her. thing is, women arent the only ones who can be charmed. although it usually doesnt take much more than a nice atwr (ass-to-waist ratio) to get us all verklempt down there, there are a few simple things a woman can do to exponentially increase her long-term relationship stock.
so, without further adieu, here are five quick and simple ways to charm a man
*****note: ladies, the following five are only to be performed with guys who have expressed a real interest in you. do not, i repeat, DO NOT, try any of this with the dude you met at rock the bells last weekend or the married cat you’ve been f*cking. end of note.*****
1. let him “catch” you, ummm, you know.
scenario:
its nighttime, and you’re both chillin at his apartment. since it’s late and his crib is only a 10 minute drive from your job, you’re spending the night. you’ve showered already, and you’re just sitting there, messing around on the internet when he announces that he’s gonna hop in the shower real quick.
now, you already know that you’re gonna get some tonight. shit, you’re planning on it…thats the only reason why your ass is spending the night in his hot ass, no snack sans for granola bars having ass apartment, “closer drive to work” my ass. you also know that the festivities will probably start soon after he gets out the shower and hops into bed.
so what do you do?
start without him.
yup. you read it right. start “poppin the pepsi can” while his ass is still in the shower, so that when he exits the bathroom the first sight he sees is a woman so horny and so thirsty for it that she couldnt even wait for him to finish his 240 second rabbit shower. dont be demure about that sh*t either. pop that can like you’re getting paid for it.
***if my description is too vague, basically act in a way that she…
…would have***
if he’s already digging you, and you do sh*t like that on a semi-regular basis, i’m not saying he’ll propose to you, or even suggest the thought of that to you aloud, but best believe, he’ll damned sure be thinking “yo this chick is a freakin slut. damn. maybe i need to marry her ass”
2. give him compliments, and say “thanks” every once in a while
it may not seem like a big deal, but little stuff like this lets us know that we’re appreciated, and we appreciate knowing that we’re appreciated. you’d be surprised how far a small “thanks for picking me up from work the other day” or a “those new shoes you bought are hot. seriously, i’m impressed” can go.
seriously.
3. wear his clothes
maybe this is just my own personal thing, but it seriously does something to me when a woman uses one of my old t-shirts as her night shirt or spends a lazy saturday lounging around my crib wearing nothing but one of my college sweatshirts. theres nothing better than a night of monkey matrix sex followed by waking up to your chick making eggs and sh*t while she’s rocking one of your summer league basketball shirts from 2002.
4. be funny
ladies, seriously, if a guy is digging you, and you have the ability to send him a six word text at work that makes him laugh uncontrollably for the next 30 minutes, honestly, thats like 27% of what makes a great relationship right there. if you’ve been cursed with the unfunny gene, at least have the ability to get jokes and recognize humor. you know he likes bill simmons, so email him a link to his latest podcast. make your own version of the aristocrat joke, and recite it to him. even if it bombs terribly, he’ll appreciate the effort, and give you unprompted cunninglingus to thank you for it
5. create something
write a poem. draw a picture. make a mixtape. do something that is completely unique to you two and your relationship. you could have bought that cologne for anyone, but that mix you made for him with all the unreleased wu tracks from 93 to 98 is something based on his tastes that you knew he’d personally appreciate, and he’ll definitely let you sleep in the dry spot for the rest of the month because of it.
thats it. five simple things. now go and make the champ proud.
—the champ
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{ 349 comments… read them below or add one }
This is the best time of day for me to post cause I know I can be heard!
1) Flag on the play for the worst.use.ever. of the word verkempt!
2) Can I make a request, for those of us who have no current boos or boo prospects, that you engage a discussion about things that women can do A) when they meet a BRAND new man to entice him and B) tips for single ladies on the prowl.
My thoughts exactly on that B note.
Thank you! I was just thinking the same thing…
for b), the only real advice i can give a woman is to be the triple A
attractive
approachable
available
lol…theres really nothing else to it. seriously.
and, ummm, stop hating on my use of verkempt
did we all mean verklempt?
@ ladebelle~thank you cause I was thinking the same thing.
ummm, english nazi 1 and 2, if you look in my actual entry, i spelled it correctly.
assholes
if you spelled it correctly the first time then the second shouldn’t be a problem now should it? Be consistent!
a$$hole? really? has it some to that?
“a$$hole? really? has it some to that?”
yes, it definitely has SOME to that, lol
I hate you!
“ummm, english nazi 1 and 2, if you look in my actual entry, i spelled it correctly.”
No use of Yiddish words and references to Nazis in the same sentence Champ. You can sit in the corner for that one.
TOLDJA…I love you!! I was thinking it, but glad I wasn’t the first to say…on top of the fact that when I am “boo’d up” I do all 5 of those things…and yet…here I type…a boo-less womder…lol…so…I am coming to the conclusion that it’s not me…it’s them…I blame these boys’ mamas! (not really, but really??)
@ Goody Goody Gum drops, careful who you blame, “blame these boys’ mamas! (not really, but really??)” One day you will be that MAMA!
Just sayin’
HEDO…that’s why I said “not really, but really”.. I have a son…and even though he’s only 4.75yrs old…at some point..he is going to go through his “ain’t bout sh*t” phase and embarass me with his ni99ardly behavior…but I am doing what I can to raise him with good sense so that when that phase is over…and his MAN LAMP comes on to illuminate all that is beautiful and good about genuinely loving someone…he will be able to represent his mama’s name..and be that GOODENESS…ya dig?
I don’t know about the rest…but 2 sounds pretty reasonable to me…everyone loves compliments!
Guys hardly EVER get compliments so when you do…you’ll really stick in their minds…yeah!!!!
“everyone loves compliments!”
this is true. now, im not saying that every other sentence has to be “you look great today”, “you’re so funny”, or “your wang tastes like a coldstone shake” but a couple every once in a while definitely gets you points
“your wang tastes like a coldstone shake” is wrong on ALL sorts of levels!
your wang tastes like a coldstone shake”
Holy cow. I’m CTFU over here.
dayum!
Zahra…I think men deserve to be (and feel) appreciated…a woman wouldn’t be expected to exist in a place where she doesn’t feel valued…why should a man?
sistuh! let me teach you the VSB(angingest) secret handshake!!
I’ve said it before I will say it again, Stroke a man’s Dyck and you will have him for the night, stroke his ego and you will have him for EVER! (well maybe not forever but you know what I mean)
Oops..meant Zahara
From personal experience men LOVE LOVE LOVE a great home cooked meal. To them it’s better than going out because so many women don’t know how to cook delicious meals these days. I enjoy cooking and that’s one of my little weapons paired with my crazy humor to win them over. However I have to like a guy a lot to cook for him.
I co sign. Cooking his favorite meal+wearing one of his t-shirts +playing your own personal slow jam mix tape= mind blowing, toe curling sex, hopefully on the kitchen counter or floor or bent over the sink.. or so I heard….LMAO
(In a Katt Williams Tone) That’s my shiiiiiiiiiiittt, Goddddd damnnnitt!!
God bless you woman
SHAY-D! ***high five*** I love that kitchen “cooking”!! I even have a mirror on the wall behind the stove…(cuz I loke to watch) but I have yet to use it…
Mirror……behind my favorite spot in the house…….Give me the address! I am going to save it in my Tom Tom right now! LOL!
Tom Tom…
That made me spit out my raspberry gingerale
amen Muse..i found that out to be very true..if you can work it in the kitchen..thats just as good as workin it in the bedroom..
“From personal experience men LOVE LOVE LOVE a great home cooked meal.”
Or if you can’t cook, just look so sexy trying to and he won’t give a damn what you cook or how it tastes…
“Or if you can’t cook, just look so sexy trying to and he won’t give a damn what you cook or how it tastes…”
looking sexy while doing shit goes a very long way.
yeah, i didnt mention anything about cooking (or sex) because i thought these were “goes without sayings”, lol.
well champ this is a good list but I think its more of what YOU like. I think the compliments are always nice. The others are okay but I don’t believe the other four would really matter that much. I thought the first one was going to head in a different direction like let the man do the chasing don’t chase the man. just my opinion though.
“well champ this is a good list but I think its more of what YOU like. I think the compliments are always nice. The others are okay but I don’t believe the other four would really matter that much”
i know i put a bit of a personal touch in there, but you’d be surprised. i bet the majority of the men who respond to this today will say that my list was on point
Yeah i have to agree with the Champ. Even though he has his personal touch in there, men are men. it doesn’t really vary much.
KNK… I thought so too.. I thought he was going to say something like…turn the bathroom light off…get in the shower with him…and give him a tongue bath…or…ummmm…you know something like that…
Whoa! Shit mutha fucka GOD DAMMIT!!!
what you gotta understand about men is that for the most part dudes all respond to the same shit. Men are not as complicated as women like to overthink.
“what you gotta understand about men is that for the most part dudes all respond to the same shit.”
***santa ana mater dei***
***santa ana mater dei***
Santa Ana! Whoop whoop!
Sorry…carry on…
of course I forgot cooking. Men love to eat so cooking a nice meal like mama used to would be Great
I like to find out my guy’s favorite meal and master it. Cooking is very therapeutic for me and it’s a great opprotunity to bond. I know…I’m weird LOL.
MUSE..you aren’t wierd..you rock! I had my mother in law teach me how to make the ex-husband’s favorite foods…you know before he was the ex-husband and sh*t…lol…I think men appreciate the effort just as much (if not more) than women do…
Goodeness says: “I think men appreciate the effort just as much”
This is true.
3. wear his clothes…
Do scrubs count? : )
lol…you’re funny.
yeah, they do
“3. wear his clothes”
this is a violiation against polyester and cotton right here sorry..in the words of hall and oats “I can’t go for that…no can do”.
dead @ the hall and oates reference.
Now I’m humming the bassline…dayum.
my musical mind is partly stuck in the late 70s to mid 80s.
im confused…what?
yeah, me too.
i havent had my toast and tea yet though, so my brain isnt fully awake
What kinda tea? Earl Grey??
theres a tea company right down there street from my apartment, that produces something like 500 different flavors of tea, including, my favorite, green cherry. they have free giveaways like once a month where they let people sample the new tea flavors for free, and they also give you free donuts and crackers.
i’m also convinced that the store is a front for the mob, but i dont care.
(i’m making this all up, btw)
I know Earl Gray. He used to sell mixtapes and stuff on the block back in the day
“I know Earl Gray. He used to sell mixtapes and stuff on the block back in the day”
is this the same earl gray that starred in that one episode of “franks place”?
Naw the only tv he has done was was the local crime stoppers after he robbed dem people. He cusses too much to be on prime time.
now i have that damn song stuck in my head. “no… i cant go for that, oh oh oh”. shit.
I used to love wearing my ex’s scrubs and he loved it too. nothing underneath made breakfast real fun… or so I heard
“…nothing underneath made breakfast real fun… or so I heard”
or so u heard my as$ Hedo. i see u chica. weak in the knees huh?
^^^I’m dating a Nurse-vertisment
Everybody wearing their man’s scrubs???are people dating health care professionals big time now…or is hospital gear like late summer street fashion.
NOW I’m confused.
“Everybody wearing their man’s scrubs???are people dating health care professionals big time now…or is hospital gear like runway street-hospital fashion.”
this made me spit out my toast
Somebody please help me cram to understand…is it the drawstring waist…the inherent oversized-ness…something to make everyone feel ER-Grays-Anatomy-ish.
Do yall feel like yall back in highschool disecting fetal pigs with the stench of formaldehyde.
HELP…
my ex was a nurses assistant (CNA) he was 6’6″ and athletic. He used to say how comfortable scrubs were all the time, one day after our mating ritual I threw his pants on as I went to the kitchen to make us lunch, and he never got them back. I still own some. They are uber comfy and look great with an oversized sweatshirt.
ok…im not knocking the hustle. As long as there is some type of hospital connection.
I was thinking that scrubs was now the 2008 ready to wear fall fashion.
Are they worn outside too??? If I was wearing these outside of my home, I think I would get the sudden urge to save somebody like at the grocery store..
“Ma’am you look faint..SECURITY get me 1 pint of chocolate chip ice cream, and some sugar cones, some crackers and some cheddar cheese…fiji spring water…STAT on isle 6…
Domonique do nurses (or doctors etc.) wear scrubs.
dark choclate with the cherry inside. i c ya. mmh.
???
Yes, yes they do. Not during recreational hours tho. Unless…
yeah Domonique i was mad confusing in my placement and statement. …you found me though. that’s what’s good.
anyways i think you asked somewhere, was it ok to do scrubs and what i was trying to reply that:
[you] Do nurses (doctors etc.)
…but you Wear Scrubs.
more importantly thinking:
i c ur dark choclate with the cherry inside.
ssssssssweet…
I think it’s a good list. Anytime I got a woman getting started with out me.. I’m tuned in for the show!
#3 & #4 are just classics for me. If she does either one of those.. I’ll add her to my x-mas list.
“I think it’s a good list. Anytime I got a woman getting started with out me.. I’m tuned in for the show!”
yeah. i’d speak more about this but i still want the site to be somewhat worksafe
yeah. i’d speak more about this but i still want the site to be somewhat worksafe
We appreciate that.
At least, I do.
I have found the personlized gift to be very successful, especially since I am the queen o’ the mixtape!
“especially since I am the queen o’ the mixtape”
hmmm. i need proof. you cant call yourself queen without giving at least one sample playlist
So you basically sayin she needs mo’ people.
yup!
Alright, no prob… what is your genreral music taste, bc that isn’t the point to make a personalized mixtape, it is custom…
“Alright, no prob… what is your genreral music taste, bc that isn’t the point to make a personalized mixtape, it is custom…”
lol…i’m f*ckin with you. dont worry about it. i’ll let you keep your title
Precinate it… lol
I have never had my husband catch me “popping the Pepsi can” by the way where the hell did that phrase originate? I dont think I could ever do that. But I can definitely tell you the other stuff is dead on. My husband loves to come home and catch me in one of his oversized t-shirts, also I have gotten plenty of bonus points for buying those blank .99 cards and writing corny ass dirty limericks inside. Lastly, he takes pride in the fact that when his friends come over and we play cards, dominoes, watch the game etc that I can hold my own playing the dozens and telling jokes.
uhh so my husband just came in the room and I showed him the blog and my comment and he has demanded a revised note. Apparently he was not that impressed with my corny limericks, that was more of a ploy to get me than the reverse (apparently it worked LOL, oh well they worked the first two times maybe three times is the charm when recycling limericks!! (my husband is not happy with this new found knowledge). Also he said he only likes it when I wear his old t s hirts not his new ones. He highly recommended me trying out number one out though. He said the list should have been more along the lines of Chris Rocks… Feed me, f*ck me and if you can be funny while doing either then so be it….LMAO
wow, i’m impressed! VSB is adding a little freakiness to the marriage scene. that deserves an award right there! see, i love y’all married folks.
btw, this is probably where The Champ would make one of his plugs like “VSB: making married folks get freaky since 1913″…lol.
“VSB: making married folks get freaky since 1913″…lol”
comment stealer!!!!
“I dont think I could ever do that”
You can do it. I have faith in you girlfriend!!
my husband woke up this morning and asked me if I really recycled the poems in the cards that I had given him. I am going to say that proves that he really did love them…LMAO
“I have never had my husband catch me “popping the Pepsi can” by the way where the hell did that phrase originate”
at vsb.com, two weeks ago
http://www.verysmartbrothas.com/the-v-test/
thats gangsta
I’m transcribing these 5 points down in my trusty “VSB companion diary” as we speak. (I bought it on Amazon last week, y’all late) But, you know what my problem is? yeah you guessed it. i stayed the night too soon, i popped the pepsi can with too much enthusiasm, when i wore his shirt he thought i was pressed, the joke made him laugh but he thinks i studied his ass a little too much, and that poem i wrote was way too intense. So “Big Brotha Might-tee Champ”, now what? What a sista gotta do to show her appreciation without scaring him off or trumping his own method of courtship? Please note: I know better than to use these methods with the dude I met at Black Beach in Daytona who flashed me at Fat Tuesdays.
“So “Big Brotha Might-tee Champ”, now what? What a sista gotta do to show her appreciation without scaring him off or trumping his own method of courtship?”
1. be certain that he’s actually into you and not just “close-busing” you.
2.stop dating b*tch-ass n*ggas who get their panties in a bunch when they see a woman popping the can
“close-busing” ????
“close-busing” ????
im sorry. i thought i had defined that term already, but i just remembered that i wrote about it on my old site, not here.
i’ll explain it later, after ive had my toast
I’m still waiting on the definition of “close-busing”…that must have been some good ass toast!
“close-bus syndrome” describes what happens when you’re waiting for a bus for a while, and just end up catching a bus that might deliver you somewhere close to your destination. instead of waiting on the bus you really want, you decide to take the close bus because you’re tired of standing and want to ride something…anything. even though you know the bus isn’t going to take you where you want to go, you get on anyway knowing that you’ll probably be getting off prematurely.
in regards to the comment above, i was cautioning ms. p not to be the “close bus” (ie: “someone who’s being taken for a ride by men who don’t even sit down during the ride because they’re bracing themselves to jump off.”)
@ Champ, have you published your findings? this has been quite helpful.
very insightful….I am adding that to my vocab immediately
“@ Champ, have you published your findings? this has been quite helpful.”
i wrote about this a couple years ago, and if you google “close-bus syndrome” you’ll see a couple places were it was linked
i likes this…
“1. be certain that he’s actually into you and not just “close-busing” you.”
first, i need a VSB definition for ‘close-busing’ (lol) and secondly, i should note that I usually don’t figure out that a guy isn’t really that into me until after I’ve shown my appreciation and he begins to slowly pull back, i.e.) the phone calls & visits fade out. Surely, there’s a litmus test for predicting these types of results, because really if my time machine was working today I could prove to you that some these cats were really diggin’ me…until he read that poem/heard the mixtape/saw my watercolor painting. Thing is sometimes I don’t know who to reserve these pleasantries for, and the danger in holding myself back on the next dude (in response to past hurts/ offenses) is that I might half step with the right guy-the one who really truly likes me. But seriously what woman wants to be that consistently vulnerable if every time she shows her soft under belly she gets hoodwinked/bamboozled with a line like ‘i think we should take it slow’ or ‘i don’t want to ruin our friendship’. And I know what you’re gonna say those lines are b.s. because if a guy really likes you those 2 lines are not even in his vocabulary. Slow? sheeeeeet. And phuck a friendship, right?
I feel like I’m waiting for a response from the author of “He’s Just Not That Into You”, but really Champ I want you to think hard on this one. How does a woman know when to charm? and who’s deserving of that charm…Seriously…how? when?
Signed,
The Confused girl with a book of poems
“How does a woman know when to charm? and who’s deserving of that charm…Seriously…how? when?”
the answer lies in the difference between thinking, hoping, and knowing. i’m not saying that this is the case with you, but many women confuse thinking and hoping that a guys really into them with actually KNOWING, and this is when many women get into trouble. i know its a cliche, but if a guy really likes you, there wont be a dissenting thought in your head. if theres any indecision or unsureness, than hes not there. theres a chance he might get there eventually, but hes definitely not there now.
its really that simple.
You’re spittin hot fiyah Champ. Cause this is true. And it’s so hard for women, especially women who’ve never ‘known’ cause they don’t know what it’s supposed to fee like. I feel your pain Miss P, and I know Champ is right.
It’s true guys really do like compliments…it’s so expected for them to be the givers that they really do enjoy the element of surprise when they’re actually on the receiving end.
I think food is a MAJOR one…and this is always a tricky one to pull off cause you never want him to get so used to you doing the cooking to the point that he nixes all plans to take you out and tries to buy you a cookbook as a bday present (true story). It no longer becomes a special treat and your ass is on permanent wifey duties without the wifey rock to go with it.
The way to do it is cook for yourself and when he comes over have a bit left over for him to “taste.” LOL. That way he knows your food is good and then you can set it out for him for a special charm-worthy occasion only.
Besides he don’t know that that’s really the only one good dish I make until his ass has already crossed over to the darkside MUAHAHAHA. Just kidding…not really.
“I think food is a MAJOR one…and this is always a tricky one to pull off cause you never want him to get so used to you doing the cooking to the point that he nixes all plans to take you out and tries to buy you a cookbook as a bday present (true story). It no longer becomes a special treat and your ass is on permanent wifey duties without the wifey rock to go with it.”
Can I get an Amen on this one!!!
You know, I’m surprised that Champ didn’t have cooking on there… as much as he loves his food.
“You know, I’m surprised that Champ didn’t have cooking on there… as much as he loves his food.”
if i would have included cooking this entry would have been 5000 words long
Please excuse me while I step on some stilettos. I’ve heard too much resistance from single women about catering to men. It seems to be a big imposition for some(not all) ladies to cook for a man consistently without “the rock”. Its just collard greens! He’s not asking for your virginity. If you only cooked for me on my birthday, I’d expect that from you after marriage too. Food isn’t everything, but consider this: I only need moral support from my woman a few times a year, but I need to eat every day!
Before you get too stuck on the food example, its not so much about the actual food. Cooking represents the concept that you want to make sure that your man is taken care of. As far as marriage material, you’re a fool if you think whatever you’re doing in bed can make up for catering to your man. I’ve fallen for girls who’ve burnt Cheerios. But I’ll be damned if they weren’t trying their best. Besides which I believe that a real man should cook for his woman as well. On a side note, I feel pretty confident in my manhood when I say that my chicken parmesan is spectacular.
Just my 2cents, but to put it in context, in 28days I’m marrying the woman with the mean mac&cheese.
“Cooking represents the concept that you want to make sure that your man is taken care of. As far as marriage material, you’re a fool if you think whatever you’re doing in bed can make up for catering to your man. I’ve fallen for girls who’ve burnt Cheerios. But I’ll be damned if they weren’t trying their best.”
***nodding head***
@Capitalist Pig…I e-love you…I think some of my sisters get this concept…and some don’t…so, THANK YOU for this…that is it…that is all…
Well, for someone like me who cooks all the time for herself, it’s just a matter of him coming over for dinner… It’s not catering to the dude per se, as it is more of a lifestyle.
Now, for somebody who does not do it every day, I can see how it can quickly become a burden. If she was used to grabbing some food on her way home from work, but now has to grocery shop and cook every single day… Especially if it’s not her forte? I can see the problems.
But I cook daily, so it’s really not a problem for me.
On a side note, I feel pretty confident in my manhood when I say that my chicken parmesan is spectacular.
Why would you feel otherwise? Some of the best chefs are men.
Well I hope you like mac and cheese…A LOT. LOL. I’m sorry but after you feel like you’ve been USED as someone’s own personal soup kitchen…you start to take precautions. Sorry but Treezy aint the cafeteria lady with the sideways hair net and ice cream scooped mashed potatoes.
“The way to do it is cook for yourself and when he comes over have a bit left over for him to “taste.” LOL. That way he knows your food is good and then you can set it out for him for a special charm-worthy occasion only.”
Right…I’d casually mention, “oh yeah, I cooked today” and then when he asked, run down the menu. Then when he asked, “you have any left-over?” (which he knew I did), I’d be all, “Yeah, I got a taste left”. He gets a taste, knows I can cook and will do it on a regular basis, and bingo, ninja can’t/won’t leave you alone, even when you get sick of him lol.
I am going to make up a dance…and name it after you!
BWAAAHAAA!!!
“The way to do it is cook for yourself and when he comes over have a bit left over for him to “taste.” LOL. That way he knows your food is good and then you can set it out for him for a special charm-worthy occasion only. ”
even though, as a man, this food trickeration peeves me, i actually hafta give you props for cleverness with that one, lol
@ champ you calling chicanery on JBoogie? I think its ingenious!
two pats on the back
“@ champ you calling chicanery on JBoogie? I think its ingenious!”
i was responded to treezy actually, but yeah…although i hate being lured and tricked by food, i do appreciate the game, lol
My wife wears a womens M/L. I wear a mens 4x. When she puts on my t-shirts and the back touches her ankles and both of her shoulders poke out the neckhole, I pitch tents. I am not a camper. Peace.
What is it about a girl wearing ya’ll’s clothes that gets you going?
I’m curious, for real, not joking.
::Someone explain::
Y’all usually act so….innocent and cute when rockin our stuff. I mean, to be quite frank, we are GOING already, the clothes are just an excuse.
“Y’all usually act so….innocent and cute when rockin our stuff”
this is true. i dont think ive ever seen a woman upset while she was wearing one of my t-shirts. our clothes seem to have a calming effect on them, like lullabys and sangria
Okay…I got it.
Thanks.
“My wife wears a womens M/L. I wear a mens 4x. When she puts on my t-shirts and the back touches her ankles and both of her shoulders poke out the neckhole, I pitch tents. I am not a camper. Peace.”
This made my laugh so loud just now! I have tears in my eyes. OMG!
Ummm #1 was way too R rated for my virgin eyes, Champ.
I need 5 ways to uncharm a man. I gotta get some dudes off my roster. Help?
Liz- Watch How to Lose a Guy in 10 days.
Just keep scratching your crotch and act like you got “something” in your fingernails after you are done.
Ewwwwwww!
fart loudly alot
ROFL. You guys are COMEDY. Duly noted.
I gotta get some dudes off my roster. Help?
Tell ‘em you got a .45 and a shovel.
(shouts out to Clueless)
“I need 5 ways to uncharm a man. I gotta get some dudes off my roster. Help?”
lol…you know what you need to do. be blunt and dont assume that they’ll take “hints”.
hints never work. I purposely blind myself to them.
nobody gonna jump on that virgin comment?
what?! Liz is a virgin! As if!
“what?! Liz is a virgin! As if!”
shiiiiit. she wasnt no virgin on the 28th.
LOL!!! U NEED TO STOP!
*thinks she needs to hurry up and build the site’s Corner so The Champ can be put in it*
aint no corner been built that can hold me
LOLOL!
@ Thic Flair~she didn’t say SHE was a virgin, she said her eyes were, which leads me to believe she must have had some eye transplant surgery in the last two weeks, and her donor was a virgin. Girl I hope your recovery is going well.
LOL! Thank you!
had I known I would have sent you some pink tea roses.
Eyes Wide…………
you make the call SHUT or OPEN
*starts gameshow music*
“I need 5 ways to uncharm a man. I gotta get some dudes off my roster. Help?”
Act like you REALLY REALLY REALY like them. Talk about having kids lots and lots and lots of kids. Throw in a few recent calls to some fertility specialists because you just “want to make sure your reproductive system is holding up”.
talk about how it feels good when you ovulate. Maybe even buy and ovulation calender…and tell them to pick a day (inside your ovulation cycle of course). If they do “pop buys” without calling …answer the door with a thermometer in your mouth and explain the correlation to being fertile (I think its 99 degrees).
this should pretty much work like a CHARM. Promise.
This works like a Charm. Talk about kids and push exclusivity. This freaks them out all the time. LOL
…and fart alot..in public
Suga and Spice did u say kids and exclusivity? Egads! is that a threat?
Yes…And start taking their calls…and when they ask you about what you’ve been up too..you reply:
“lots and lots of bridal expos, you wanna come to the huge blow out convention next week, they are featuring every style of dress through the ages starting from the 16th century, with detailed lectures on hemlines and dress patterns’ evolution.
…done deal right there.
Comeback cums with this:
“…pop buys” without calling …answer the door with a thermometer in your mouth and explain the correlation to being fertile (I think its 99 degrees).”
u got a lot of details nicca. smells like you have done some of this or have studied the plan way to well. although i bet it will certainly cut the field down.
“u got a lot of details nicca. smells like you have done some of this or have studied the plan way to well”
hey keeping **some*** OFF my roster is my fortay. Now the downside is once or twice…i “fortayed” to the wrong ninja and it was too late, he already thought I was on some marry me tomorrow, “lets say a prayer to my ovaries”…crazy kick.
but it does have a 99% success rate.
Man! You came with the double handed behind the back plan! I think this is sneaky enough to work! LOL. I’ll report back with my results when I have them lol.
Liz this is sometimes a good problem to have:
“I need 5 ways to uncharm a man. I gotta get some dudes off my roster. ”
#1. I dont want to work for Diddy but;
when his intern said: “Im tired.”
Diddy said: “what rhymes wit tired”
(nope he aint talking about “wired”)
what word starts with an f ends with a d and rhymes with tired.
heh, heh, heh (inhales) whooo!
#2. say: “kick rocks wit no socks” (a detailed variation of #1, i’m not opposed to the direct approach)
#3. cut back on the time and frills and let them figure it out. if they can’t see the forest for the trees like Diddy said, sometimes you gotta cut down the fuc*ing forest. (for they ass)
#4. say: “i’ve signed a new quarterback for my starting position, the Liz is going in a different direction. (remember if you have to renegotiate with the released player its probably going to be on his terms and will never be quite the same again)
#5. i’m a Lizbian. just joking because if he’s smart he will claim to be one too. anywho do what you mean.
#6 Quote Diddy.
Alise on 5 ways to uncharm a man and get him off ur roster.
#6. “Quote Diddy”
LOL! i guess i know where we stand Alise. wit ur jive talking arse. i can’t blame u for hating Diddy he’s Xtra as hell but i like how he snaps on those wannabe assistants/slaves. who else should not be quoted btw???
Lil Wayne
Flavor Flav
gary busey
*DYING* I used to love Diddy, man!!
tell him you are ready to have kids
“tell him you are ready to have kids”
hotdam Lady that’s some Shady shit but it will dam sure cut the field in half. i gotta watch u.
…seriously…
You actually listed this as if…women don’t know half of this.
But then again, I guess if you posted it, you’ve obviously ran across quite a few that didn’t…
In which case all I have to say…
…that’s a low down dirty shame.
There are a few perks to being raised by a father and 4 uncles…whether I want to or not…it’s inate to cater to a man.
Damn my mother for leaving me with my daddy at 1 years old…lol
Good reads.
AMEN … taking care of a man has never been a problem for me. getting rid of them ..well thats another story…
Girl, tell it!
@ Jolie…right on to the real…death to the fakers! taking care of is not the issue on this episode of the GOOD and the restless…the issue comes in with picking the wrong ni99as…you gotta kiss a few frogs before you get a prince…but DAMN…it’s not easy being green!
“the issue comes in with picking the wrong ni99as…you gotta kiss a few frogs before you get a prince…but DAMN…it’s not easy being green!”
***5th Sunday SUNRISE Service***
I’m tired of kissing frogs damnit!
*it aint easy bein green*
get out of my head
Jolie fatale laments:
“…taking care of a man has never been a problem for me. getting rid of them ..well thats another story…”
u might whip simps, lames and mommas boys with ur pu**y and brains but secure men tame pu**y with their wangs and thangz. if u lettem go that’s just to bad for yourself. their off…
say word.
“You actually listed this as if…women don’t know half of this.
But then again, I guess if you posted it, you’ve obviously ran across quite a few that didn’t…
In which case all I have to say…
…that’s a low down dirty shame.”
we’d be out of business if people knew everything they should know, lol
Good list, Champ.
I like the idea of the mixed CD since my husband is a lover of old music. I have made CDs for myself but never one particularly for him.
As soon as I submit this post I am going to pull up Lime Wire and download some favs and make a CD.
And because I am that type of mate I am going to send it to him by courier with a select piece of my intimates that I am wearing right now in the envelope.
Hmm, I wonder what I’ll be doing for lunch?
Raqui stop stunting. ima send my worn, soiled crotch panties and a mixtape to my husband. fuc* u. i h8 u. you bit*h. no really, methinks thou art heartly. i hope the lumberjack splits u like a log.
…i am a wee bit naus wit ya “life is good” re-enactments, renditions, revelations and regurgitations. go fuc* urself. naw thats kinda sexy too now isn’t it. fuc* shit. eat a di*k. nawww, nawww that’s too good for ur asses too. i hope you get pregnant and fat. yeah that will shut ur ass up witya happy land stories and shit. wake up with morning sickness one to many times and then lets see how u chime.
have a nice trimestrial.
no really, the best to u and i hope he snatches a knot in ur ass and u cum so hard u get a headache. i’m off….
So I was right. You are who I thought you were. That comment about me not wanting to get pregnant again is The Truth and For Real all day long and is in response to what I posted on the other site.
LOL I knew it.
@ Raqi…dang ole Encyclopedia Brown looking arse…that’s funny to me! you had been on his trail for a while…and yu finally have your proof! and he would have gotten away with it too, if it hadn’t been for those meddling kids…wow…I need to get some caffeine…***please hold***
Raqui i’m so glad you feel you’ve finally figured it out but i promise i have no idea wht ur talking about. i do contribute at 1 or 2 other blogs sparingly. all use gotta do is name the site ur refering to (…oh and say my name) and maybe we can connect the dots babe.
holla thefu*k back.
Raqi, I know the blog you speak of and GK isn’t The Truth or For Real…GK doesn’t type like they do. I see the similarities, but GK’s dialect is totally different.
FYI – I lurk on that site from time to time, so I’m familiar with a lot of the posters on that blog.
yeah..theres quite a few ajc regulars making their way over here, including my homeskillet, the wise diva. its all love and shit
AkShone I stated what he said was The Truth and For Real.
Oh, I see…you right.
“no really, the best to u and i hope he snatches a knot in ur ass and u cum so hard u get a headache. i’m off….”
All I can say to this is GGAAAHHTTDAAAMMMNNN. Thats that “I can’t walk the day after b/c my walls have been F*cked RAW” Sex.
that had me blink real hard, too. *need to make a phone call*
gawtdammit GK….you were really on a role huh? a fool wit it…now about this org@sm related headache? where can I get one of those?
Goody u know what it is and where it is. orgasm no GPS needed. THE SCREAM MACHINE!
lol!
still waiting for my season pass, the season is almost over…
Hedo i’m frisky as shit today. don’t play. u may send ur application and a pair of worn e-panties to the addy below. …and if you don’t get a pass this season maybe ur first in line next summer.
…good luck and may the smell of my spunk have a grip on ur senses. big wet kisses and such.
genius my love… if I don’t get a pass this season than I will pass. I don’t do the waiting game, I know my value and your loss.
***champ doing his best yoda impression***
“a room, you two need to get”
GK…have I ever told you how much I e-love you?
…and i love u right back Boogie genuinely. squeeze urself. if i was there i’d do it for ya.
“And because I am that type of mate I am going to send it to him by courier with a select piece of my intimates that I am wearing right now in the envelope”
you do realize that if you ever get divorced, i’m gonna put your contact info on ebay, right?
just so you know
LOL Champ I hope being that type of mate helps to avoid the termination dance.
“yo this chick is a freakin slut. damn. maybe i need to marry her ass”
I cant even count how many times I have said that, aloud and to myself.
“yo this chick is a freakin slut. damn. maybe i need to marry her ass”
I cant even count how many times I have said that, aloud and to myself”
i actually got that line from a patrice o’neal hbo special. i’d go through the entire skit but, again, i trying to actually keep my job and not get arrested
patrice o’neal is funny as hell
Pitbull!
Cosign!!
The list is pretty much on point. Most of us men suffer from having a male ego and if a woman can cater to it the right way (i.e. an occasional compliment/thank you, wearing our clothes, getting moist in anticipation of us, etc.) then it is indeed appreciated and points are definitely earned.
These acts may seem like common knowledge, but you’ll be surprised how many women don’t do these things and then complain about how they can’t get a decent one.
Indeed! A lot of females swear they know how to cater to a dude but then wonder why when Saturday night rolls around it is just them and that red netflix envelope.
“Indeed! A lot of females swear they know how to cater to a dude but then wonder why when Saturday night rolls around it is just them and that red netflix envelope.”
***philadelphia simon gratz***
“…but then wonder why when Saturday night rolls around it is just them and that red netflix envelope.”
u blinding them with science Con.
Word ‘em up.
Monk I am convinced that the male brain is made up of 4 equal parts Food, Money, Sex, Sports. One day I will come up with perfect activity to appeal to all four senses equally for one whole day.
Having sex lying on a bed of money while he licks strawberry shortcake off of you facing a big-screen plasma playing Monday Night Football?
(i think i just blew my own mind with that visual)
Are the Steelers playing? If yes…this is the business.
Steelers vs Browns.
I can get with it.
“Are the Steelers playing? If yes…this is the business.
first game of the season for the black and gold: this friday at heinz field against the eagles!!!!
YEAH BABY!!!!
Can you tell I’m ready for the season to start?
you? shiiiiiiiiiiit, ive been wearing black and gold bandanas to work every day this week
It’s hard being a Steelers fan down here in land of the Cowboys…you just don’t know.
LOL!!
I was at a bar with my best male friend watching Sunday Football (all of the games) on like 30 different flat screens and we were drinking and enjoying ourselves. When I overheard one of his boys say, “What is better than this, sitting hear betting on the games drinking, watching Football?” I texted my best male friend and said tell him to meet me in the men’s room at half time. He and I both fell out when he read it. To this day it is one of our inside jokes. But I think the sentiment applies here.
“I texted my best male friend and said tell him to meet me in the men’s room at half time.”
Hedo just for this u get the Loaded Steakhouse Draws. now don’t try to eat it all at one time.
this was a very timely and appropriate act of selfless selfishness.
hey i’m gonna be watching the USA play Italy in the olympics. you should cum. we’ll take piks.
Raq has a greedy genius ass plan:
“Monk I am convinced that the male brain is made up of 4 equal parts Food, Money, Sex, Sports. One day I will come up with perfect activity to appeal to all four senses equally for one whole day.”
you just earned yourself that Loaded Steakhouse Burger from Burga Kang. hope it doesn’t kill ya cause
Raqui one more outbrst like this and ur gonna have to put me on ur Fantasy Adultery Team!
arena announcements: starting at Slaughter-Back #1 Genius Khan. (and the clits go wild!!!!!)
you’ve been advised….
I have the perfect activity and I have told a number of my girls to use when they were having that ‘this negro just wont stay at home’ trouble.
This activity is best done on sunday evening. Pick up all his favorites from the grocery/liqour store. When he gets home–turn on the game, hand him the remote, fix him a drink or beer, give him a kiss on the cheek and (here is the kicker) STFU and go finish fixing dinner.
When the food is ready, fix his plate, get him a fresh drink and right around half time, give him some head and then go lay down.
Spicy writes:
“…When the food is ready, fix his plate, get him a fresh drink and right around half time, give him some head and then go lay down.”
lay on ur stomach in a dress that’s pulled up to reveal ur panties and he will find you and wake yo ass up on the commercial breaks. if he won’t i will dammit!
you’re in the A right?
“if he won’t i will dammit!” LMAO!!!
hmmmm…. should I leave the front or back door unlocked?
“When the food is ready, fix his plate, get him a fresh drink and right around half time, give him some head and then go lay down.”
lol at “go lay down”
Suga&Spice it has to be one activity. I was thinking more on the lines of me promising to not go shopping for a month for every time he makes me climax while licking the caramel sauce off my body during the entire half time break of the superbowl. Yeah one perfect activity.
How about him betting money on which of the two of you would finish the strawberry topped whipped cream first in the lickathon?
**kamakula** Perfect, Perfect, Perfect.
Raqi’s Weekend To Do List:
1) Challenge hubby to Strawberry Lickathon
2) Go lay down
We are simple and catering to our needs go VERY far.
I disagree. We’re not THAT simple…lol.
@ Conscience:
EXACTLY!!
Good list.
Especially #1.
Who knew I already was doing something right? LOL
“Good list.
Especially #1.
Who knew I already was doing something right? LOL”
see, i always knew there was more to you than the throat punch
She is versatile like dat lol
Yep. I’m multifaceted.
a tip that applies to me and maybe some other geeks – Play Tekken (or any video game) with me. Learn it so I actually have to respect you when you jump on the controller.
what about Madden? I play a mean game of Madden.
Madden definitely…I dont give a shit about Madden but about 90% of men do. If a girl can play Madden tho I would pay attention
Yes, that is definitely a win. Women playing just about any game that requires some skill is sexy. Especially if its a competitive game where you can talk some shit to the opponent.
if you can’t call your opponent a weak bastard while playing the game it doesn’t count
I can call them that, plus many more.
And what?!
I love me some NCAA Live or March Madness.
@Deviant….I done already told you I will TEKKEN that @ss!! we gotta make sure we got gaming systems set up at the VSB Family Union…(technically it’s not a re-union until the second one)
I cannot lose. I can defeet you while rolling a blunt
I think this one is a trick.. I have played video games with guys before and its all fine until I learn the game and beat that a$$ then they dont want to play anymore….Checkers have been banned in my house for the last 3 years due to the day after thanksgiving fiasco….Again, counseling and a lot of hard works have helped us keep it together.
I have to agree with you on this one, beating a man at “his own game” is a double edge sword. You walk a fine line.
I don’t know. If you beat me at “my” game, I’m going to want to keep playing until I can consistently beat you.
exactly
I want a woman to beat me without me having to pull punches. I can handle it. I would think if you play a game you can’t handle losing you shouldn’t play in the first place. All men aren’t really men.
I have no discourse at the moment…I just wanna say I love this post Champ…f*cking brilliant son!
**Has used all of these on the list with great success**
“I have no discourse at the moment…I just wanna say I love this post Champ…f*cking brilliant son!”
thanks and shit
Good list champ! I would add talk about something that he’s interested in. Guys like it when I express an interest in their hobbies, favorite sports teams, etc. I do IT Consulting and my boss told me on Monday that I should learn XBox because when it gets stressful, we take videogame breaks and it’ll help me bond better with my co-workers. I was telling my boyfriend yesterday. Just the mention of videogames and he just got excited and was real talkative.
thats what ‘m sayin
“I do IT Consulting and my boss told me on Monday that I should learn XBox because when it gets stressful, we take videogame breaks and it’ll help me bond better with my co-workers.”
damn…thats a great boss, lol. sh*t
lol!
I am so happy my hub is not an avid video gamer. He plays sometimes with my son. But other than that I don’t have to worry about being asked to play.
…So, I send my resume to whom?
When I broke up with my ex I asked my best male friend to teach me about other sports ( my ex and I were basketball junkies), since then I have been schooled on football and baseball, not to the point that I can talk trash, but I also know when to be quiet.
(sigh) where to begin…
#1 is nothin but the truth that’s for sure (as i wave the flashy engagement and wedding ring) lol… but really the reference to black snack moan or whatever that shit is called??? boooo… some movies (i.e. snakes on a plane and other foolishness like it) should never be referenced…
#2 hell yes!!! say thank you and he’ll keep doin the shit correctly!!!
#3 there is nothin like wearin your (not just any) dude’s clothing… especially if he smells good!!!
#5 this can be tricky… don’t do this shit if you aren’t in a relationship and only dating… this could push him away…
btw, i did love the usage of verklempt!!!lol
I liked Black Snake Moan…I liked Pootie Tang too
sine my piddy
Sa da tay!
Sadatay, ma damie. SadaTAY.
Pootie Tang is cinematic brilliance…lol…not really, but that’s my show right there!
I read these comments…good God…I have never seen Pootie…but now I feel tetra-lingual…
your existence has been incomplete.
“boooo… some movies (i.e. snakes on a plane and other foolishness like it) should never be referenced…”
i actually didnt think black snake moan was terrible (even though the entire flick just made me want to hop in the shower), and im typically extremely critical of movies.
Before the nups I would take the t-shirt that he slept in that night I was there home with me. I love to inhale his man-ness aroma.
singing Destiny Child’s “T-Shirt”…
when you’re not here…I sleep in your t-shirt…
I wish you were here…to take off this t-shirt…
after we make love…I sleep in your t-shirt…
wake up in your t-shirt…
to smell the scent of your cologne…
(sigh) ahh the good old days..
*sigh indeed*
**shameless plug**
Body Works makes a scent called “of a man” I spray it in my vents in the car (in winter) and sometimes on my pillows (for special alone time). It reminds me of what I like my man to smell like.
you know their sandalwood vanilla has that masculine calming scent too…
“Body Works makes a scent called “of a man” I spray it in my vents in the car (in winter) and sometimes on my pillows (for special alone time). It reminds me of what I like my man to smell like.”
this particular fragrance also goes by the name “lonely”
shut up~kick yourself in the shins with your own pointy shoes, I know you own at least one pair.
I read that twice before I got it. LOL
that was mean champ.. just mean ..
but funny and shit!
I was thinking that. I can’t say I or any guy I know has ever bought anything from a Body Works store. I thought it was all girl stuff. I’m sure there is some guy that thinks its ok to smell like a meadow tho. there is always some guy that says its cool to use summer rain body wash.
“I’m sure there is some guy that thinks its ok to smell like a meadow tho”
what the hell does a meadow even smell like?
flowers and shit I dunno. It dont smell manly.
Black Snake Moan is actually a pretty good movie. Every body should see it. Twice.
I got another one – dont add to his stress.
I see alot of guys enduring alot of b.s. from their girls just because they feel like thats just the way it is. They feel like being in a relationship has to be some sort of soul sucking experience where you have to sacifice everything you enjoyed as a single man to please the woman. Then they grow old and die early from stress related illnesses. I feel it doesn’t have to be that way because there are women out there that will not slowly kill you by forcing you to constantly do and endure things you abhor for the sake for being with her.
for example…I HATE shopping of any kind. I view it like a chore, a necessary evil. Sometimes I have to go with my girl because she may want my opion on on some clothes she wants to get. Thats cool cause I know that she knows I don’t like this and she will not leave me sitting outside of NY & Co with the rest of the soulless men who have been forced to go to the mall with their women. I have been with women who as soon as they step inside the store they forget I exist and get lost in the wonderland that is the clearance rack. When this happens I take strong consideration in leaving that girl in the mall (I’ve done this before and have yet to regret it).
basically I’m just saying men like it when you don’t give them stress related ailments strokes from things like nagging, unexplained outburts and teh example I listed above.
*I work with alot of older men that bitch about these things all the time and are constantly telling me to never get married. These things happen to guys of all ages tho. They don’t believe me when I say there are women out there that do not seek to assassinate you with high blood pressure.
“I see alot of guys enduring alot of b.s. from their girls just because they feel like thats just the way it is. They feel like being in a relationship has to be some sort of soul sucking experience where you have to sacifice everything you enjoyed as a single man to please the woman. Then they grow old and die early from stress related illnesses.”
good point
LOL Deviant my husband hates to go shopping with me. However has never complained when I bring something back for him. Men!!!
And when I do convince him to go with me we have always stop by Radio Shack (gadget guy) and/or Victoria Secrets as some sort of consolation prize to appease him for agreeing to such an horrific task. Again Men!!!
I’m sure you know why guys hate it but this is why I hate shopping
when I go shopping Its a chore to be done like cutting the grass. If I am looking for a shirt I try to narrow it down ans quickly as possible. The only stores I spends time looking for no reason in are electronic and toy stores.
To me it seems when women go shopping they have to be sure they get teh best thing they can get out of the entire store. it seems like they sift thru every single bit of merchandise as if the store will be swallowed up by the earth the next day. Who wants to sit thru that? Its more fun chewing Drano dipped glass.
Even if we are buying something for you and saving you money at the same time?
I dont wanna watch sausage being made and I dont wanna sit thru you shopping. I just want the end product.
“I dont wanna watch sausage being made and I dont wanna sit thru you shopping. I just want the end product.”
this reminds me of one of al pacino’s lines in “ocean’s thirteen”
*paraphrasing*
“i dont want the labor pains, i want the baby”
“…chewing Drano dipped glass.”
heh, heh, heh (inhales) whoooo!
Deev’s ur so deviant.
DEVIANT!! I know you exist in the mystery of e-androgyny…but at this point…with the comment above…you deserve head for this…point blank period!
lol thank you very much. I aim to please.
it really isnt a mystery tho. I am sure most know the bisness.
Ya know, speaking of head…If I could add one thing that has always made me feel special and all tingly inside…it would be unsolicited BJ’s and ladies, hear me out now. I mean, that is a key example of unselfishness and the art of catering to your man. Especially waking up to unsolicited BJ’s…yeah, I’d like to add that to the list. I think this should be etched in stone.
*Please refer to Champ’s disclaimer above though…*
I go shopping with women for the hope that I can one day fufill my fantasy of getting it done in a fitting room. So far that has been a tough egg to crack.
hey NMH…ummmm…(biting bottom lip) I need a sun dress for this thing I have to go to in September…wanna go shopping?
u just trying to get sent to the C-O-R-N-E-R, aint you?
My grandpa used to say that all a man wants is peace in his house.
methinks for menfolk peace with a woman in the house is fleeting at best. only to be enjoyed in short bursts.
my grandfather says that now.
STFU – the ultimate gift for any man
The wearing of the clothes is a DEFINITE wang grower for dudes it seems. Besides, I actually enjoyed sleeping in my Ex’s 3x shirt and old basketball shorts (mostly optional). I’m an XS, so it was like a blanket that didn’t end up on the floor (unless thats what we both wanted, hehe).
Since I’m a f*cking sweetheart and shit, I will give my dude props when he has earned it. Telling him he smells extra nice on THIS day, and saying the sideburns are sexy on him.
And I used to create cheesy ass mixtapes all the time w/ sappy songs when we were long distance, and mail them to him.
I ROCK.
“I ROCK.”
i concur
I really have nothing to add. Some nice cook food, some nice clean draws.
Oh and please for the love of all that is good, just be pleasant. There is nothing worst than spending 75% of your time having to ask and wonder if she’s in a bad mood.
“Oh and please for the love of all that is good, just be pleasant. There is nothing worst than spending 75% of your time having to ask and wonder if she’s in a bad mood.”
great point
you know what else is good..not bringing up old sh!t. If it happened in the past and you ‘supposably” (lol) got over it, let that sh!t go and dont bring it up every chance you get.
in his gripping new book “Tales From a Broad” genius khan goes inside the aimless rantings and skullduggery of felonius felines and offers insightful advice on:
How to charm a man you recently met or are already shagging. (excerpts)
#1. shut the fu*k up sometimes.
#2. (with a genuine attitude) shrug your shoulders and say: “whatever you want baby” and then shut the fu*k up. (submit, preferably wearing sheers)
#3. in the words of Patrice O’neal: “…shut the fuck up, wit ur nonsense.”
#4. when you feel yourself moved by emotion (anger, fear, sadness etc.) shut the fuck up a minute before you start blathering. (shuting the fuck up is soooo charming)
#5. shut the fuck up.
#6. instead of saying: “i’m gonna shut the fuck up before….” (or any variation thereof) just shut the fuck up instead.
#7. SHUT THE FUCK UP! sometimes, with ur bollox.
you can acquire handwritten and signed copies of “Tales From a Broad” a brilliant iterary work of art at Sotheby’s of London on Septembre 1, in the year of our Lord 2008.
genius khan has penned profound literary works for the past two decades and is fastly becoming one of the planets Laurel Laureates. his observations and experiences with softtails make him one of the worlds foremost authorities on charm amongst other things.
the Hood Gazette says: “It’s a clenching seat grabbing ride.”
the Bexley Times says: “Dashing now isn’t it.”
Linda Rogers at the BBC says: “I’m Wet.”
please leave your email adyy for updates on public appearances and updates in reply. to reach the authors email please refer all queries to shootfilm@gmail.com
now be off with you and remember STFU!
LMAO!! So let me make sure I have this right. Umm… do you possibly want people to shut the fuck up?? Iunno, I just felt like ur post needed clarification.
Luvvie asks: “Umm… do you possibly want people to shut the fuck up??
A: …please. sometimes wit ur bullsh*t.
and dont act like you don’t know that nonsense when ur keeping it up.
if ur GENIUNELY not sure when it’s bullsh*t that ur about to perpetrate, just STFU and think about it first instead of following ur emotion.
say word.
LOL I will totally admit that I will choose to pick a fight w/ a guy sometimes. It is a combination of me bring bored and me just being purposefully obnoxious (which usually comes down to being bored, once again).
Fine, maybe next time, I will decide to STFU. Or not. We will see.
Picking fights on purpose is a horrible thing. That’ll get you left at the mall fasho
wow.
i’m speechless.
Champ says “im speechless.”
play on words.
heh, heh, heh (inhales) whoooo!
if you were a female i would refer you to #6. on my list.
wit ur smart ass.
thats deep brother
so profound and so so true
Can I get a signed copy?
you most certainly can get a signed copy Alicia.
lol!
register and we will keep u the know.
heh, heh, heh (inhales) whooooo!
So, um, the crux is pretty much…STFU?
J Boogz seeks confirmation: “So, um, the crux is pretty much…STFU?”
A: yes please, sometimes. (with your bullsh*t)
you know what it is.
lol!
GK…you trying to horn in on Deviant’s head? huh? she can’t talk with her mouth full, yes? ok…I am going to chill out before Champ builds me a corner outside in the back yard…
but seriously…LADIES…sometimes…for real…we just need to shut the f*ck up…
but seriously…LADIES…sometimes…for real…we just need to shut the f*ck up…
I concur.
Deev’s is right but GOODeness i do so love ur oral fixation. one day ima have you fix those lips for moi. if i am so honored. (sweaty, straight from the gym throbbing) until then my concubine/s, footservant/s, maidservant/s, loveslave/s and she’s always in my lap/s will keep it polished for ya. cherrio!
lol!
“sweaty, straight from the gym throbbing”
@GK
how sweet! you remembered my favorite flavor!!
looking at Champ…whatever…I’m going…I’m going…
Linda Rogers at the BBC says: “I’m Wet.”
Linda Rogers sounds like a freaking slut. Maybe I should marry her ass.
No Hero thinks: “Linda Rogers sounds like a freaking slut. Maybe I should marry her ass.”
perhaps but she’ll always be in my lap.
I’m dead at the whole thing GK.
From the title “Tales From A Broad”, to the fake literary reviews at the end.
Holy testicle Tuesdays (inside joke btw my brother and I).
I’m crying!!
Now that was hilarity at its finest. LMAO Sometimes we do need to STFU but sometimes you mean need to say what the f*ck you are feeling and stop being so damn passive aggressive.
I must admit the older I get the more I just think the smart a$$ shit I use to say, especially when it concerns his momma. Makes life a lot easier. LOL
check, check.
When I’m flying back home from a business trip, the best thing a woman has ever done for me, was be there @ the airport.
Not leaving the house when i call to say that the plane touched down, but circling that parking lot until I get there.
You can tell a lot about a chick by how she does things for you when they’re not easy and convenient.
WIA…I thought this was understood…
my man+plane lands=at airport, looking pretty, happy to see him…
but if you are adding it to the list, it must not be as universal as I thought. I am forever surprised at the things that we don’t know…but if you don’t know that you don’t know, how can you know you don’t know it?(shrugging)
sadly, its not understood
I remember I had a girl pick me up from the airport in her old catholic schoolgirl outfit. That was a good day
a short skirt no panties and black stiletto boots works too.. I mean so I have heard
“I remember I had a girl pick me up from the airport in her old catholic schoolgirl outfit. That was a good day”
did you propose on the spot?
she lives with me now
if she had the sweater on too with the crest…I am going to choke myself right here.
“I had a girl pick me up from the airport in her old catholic schoolgirl outfit. That was a good day”
I had to go back and see who posted this. Got scared for a sec!
I love the school girl uniform thing still have mine with the grey pleated skirt and the socks and all………………I love the happy look it gets;-)
Great list Champ. And I second the additions of ‘being pleasant’ and ‘shutting the f up sometimes’.
“Great list Champ. And I second the additions of ‘being pleasant’ and ’shutting the f up sometimes’.”
thanks and shit
#1 and #5 … I think I am going to personally make sure every woman hears about those two in particular.
The chick who makes me a chopped & screwed mixtape can take dry spot for the rest of the year …
“The chick who makes me a chopped & screwed mixtape can take dry spot for the rest of the year …”
damn right
SUC every tuesday and thrusday
The chick who makes me a chopped & screwed mixtape can take dry spot for the rest of the year …
Yes!!!! Ridin’ in the slab…lol Dirty 3rd!
I would add cook for him. Like really cook. Like his mama would… if you care for him.. make him a meal he’ll never forget. WORKS EVERYTIME! Plus it shows you have the skills that most men look for..
Small gestures work too but they should be genuine:
What I used to do for my ex is always keep is glass full. When it got empty I would refill it. I didnt think it was a big deal but one day he told his brother, “jolie’s the kinda girl that will never leave you hangin.. she keeps my glass full and makes sure I’m always taken care of”
“What I used to do for my ex is always keep is glass full. When it got empty I would refill it”
nice touch
What I used to do for my ex is always keep is glass full. When it got empty I would refill it.
I am famous for this one. This and not allowing a man fix his own plate. Even if he does the cooking. It has always been a given in my family so, I never thought it was a big deal. But like Goodeness said, we dont know what we dont know if we dont know we dont know it.
Suga&Spice I agree. That’s one I picked up from my mom from seeing her do it for my dad. And I am a willing sammich maker also.
thanks for the info… but, i’m more interested on tips to use when you’ve lighweight spent some time with dude from “rock the bells”, you’re feelin him (you think he’s feelin you), so how do you decrease the odds that he doesn’t lose interest??
“thanks for the info… but, i’m more interested on tips to use when you’ve lighweight spent some time with dude from “rock the bells”, you’re feelin him (you think he’s feelin you), so how do you decrease the odds that he doesn’t lose interest??”
be yourself (not your “representative”), be somewhat available, and dont press.
lmao i must be an effed up person cause being myself never works. i never even knew i had a representative.
“lmao i must be an effed up person cause being myself never works. i never even knew i had a representative.”
*gives Shay a hug*
ohhh… i have another good one…
ladies, get waxed… from head to toe and everywhere in between… leave a lil grass for ladytown (don’t wanna look like an 11 year old girl)… but that drives them NUTS!!!
ladebelle I have a full wax racy joke.
After having it all removed, approach your guy or a perfect stranger if you wish and ask him if he likes smoothies. Whether he says yes or no, ask “Do you want to taste mine?”
(My fellow ajc’ers have heard this one before)
LMAO!!! I am using this… I like it ALOT!
“ladies, get waxed… from head to toe and everywhere in between… leave a lil grass for ladytown (don’t wanna look like an 11 year old girl)… but that drives them NUTS!!!”
i think this one is pretty particular. some guys like some grass on the field, as long as its not freakin hedges
“i think this one is pretty particular. some guys like some grass on the field, as long as its not freakin hedges”
do you? just being nosey
“do you? just being nosey”
Some guys…hell I like grass on the field…my own of course. Lookin’ like a ten year old..I just can’t get with it.
Any woman who gets her wonderland waxed should get 10 RPTs(Relationship Points) to be used at a later time. Cause that shit hurts like hell. The things we have to do in relationships.
So if you not with a dude you sport a fro? shouldn’t you be maintaining for your own sake?
from what I have learned from oldheads is if she aint doin it for herself she won’t keep doing it for you. Once a woman has been with you for awhile and she is confident you wont bail she will stop sending out that representative with the smooth skin and sunny disposition that makes you sammiches. I would like to think that is not the case.
Yeah I am single and do it anyway. I should have left that last sentence out of there. That is one of the things included in regular upkeep. I will admit up until last year I was a razor chick, but an ex asked me to try it and I was hooked. Pain and all.
word just for my own sake it keeps things cleaner *not to mention it turns me on*
“leave a lil grass for ladytown ”
is this in the brazil region??? LOL
love it..
Good ish… and I love #3 so glad that it does something for you all as well!
that’s provided the man even thinks to buy shoes. we all can’t say we have a mr. big to our carrie bradshaw. shoot
but that list in on point.
my fave one is the compliments one. that’s so true. men rarely get complimented.
Here is an advice of an arab woman to her daugther upon her wedding — I just remembered it and I think it fits in here perfectly. It’s long but worth reading!!
The First Advice
My beloved daughter!
Lead a life of contentment.
Be content even with simple food.
The dry bread and water,
which is eaten with contentment,
is better than a rich meal,
which is eaten after your persistant
complaints, forcing him to
grudgingly provide it for you.
The Second Advice
My beloved daughter!
Always listen attentively to what your
husband says. Give importance to what
he says and do as he says. In this manner,
you will soon win a place in his heart, because
it is not really a person who is beloved,
but what the person does that is most loved.
The Third Advice
My beloved daughter!
Tend your beauty carefully
so that whenever he will look
at you, he will be pleased with his
choice. Within the limits of decency,
use as much fragrance as possible,
and remember that no part of
your body or dress should
repulse him.”
The Fourth Advice
My beloved daughter!
Be always attractive to him, put
Surma in your eyes, for beautiful
eyes make a person’s whole being
beautiful in the eyes of the beholder.
Bath and do ablution regularly,
as this is the best perfume
and the best way to
cleanliness.
The Fifth Advice
My beloved daughter!
Prepare his meals before it is
time as hunger becomes a flame if
not satisfied. During the hours of
rest, keep it quiet and peaceful
as disturbed sleep makes a
man miserable and angry.
The Sixth Advice
My beloved daughter!
Protect his home and treasure;
let no one enter the house without
his permission and do not waste his
treasure by indulging in exhibition,
for treasure can only be tended
through good management and
the family only through good
sense.
The Seventh Advice
My beloved daughter!
Never disobey him and always
keep his secrets, for disobeying such
a honourable man would put fuel to fire
and revealing his secrets would destroy
his trust in you. And you, yourself will
not be safe from his (retaliatory)
double standards. Someone has
rightly said ” To be trusted is
better than to be loved.”
The Eighth Advice
My beloved daughter!
If he is grieved over something,
then do not mention to him anything
that has pleased you. Share his grief.
When he is happy, do not disclose your
hidden grief and do not complain to
your husband about his behaviour.
Be happy with him. Otherwise
you will be regarded as one
who confuses him.
The Ninth Advice
My beloved daughter!
If you wish to be respectable in his
eyes, then honour and respect him
and act according to his wishes.
Then at every stage of your life
you will find him to be your
best companion.
The Tenth Advice
My beloved daughter!
Hold fast onto this advice from me.
Sweet flowers will not blossom in your
life as long as you do not suppress your
wish for his pleasure. My dear daughter,
my darling! I bid farewell with these
words and give you in Allah’s care.
May He make all steps in your life
good and preserve you from
all evil. (Ameen)
I actually agree with all of this
definitely let you sleep dry spot for the rest of the month because of it.
LOL!
The dry spot!!!! lol. I love it…